GRaBT Issue 1

1 March 2014

Golden Ring and Bloody Things

GRaBT: Mordors Monthly Magazine Everything you didnt want to know! Making sense of the senseless! Leaving you in a more illuminating darkness.
Editors in Chief: Moriel Globmd

GRaBT Is Back!
And badder than ever. The editors of this magazine would like to welcome you: minion, tark, or whoever, to the first edition of the newly revived GRaBT: Golden Ring and Bloody Things, Mordor's Monthly magazine. Blood, sweat, and the occasional brackish tear have been shed in the creation of this first issue, which is packed with glamor, intrigue, and whatever we could squeeze out of our intrepid slaves journalists. The editors would like declare themselves independent from any of the articles published herein. Any investigations by those Higher Up will be forwarded to those responsible for any complaints. The editors will however receive your copious praise with suitable humility. That is, none. And a party. Enjoy, maggots!

Contents
Page 2 Page 3 Page 4-11 Page 11 Page 12 Horrorscopes You Might Be A Minion Prison Pits of Tormenting Interviews Bloody Bites Weather Forecast

Page 13-14 Yris Yens Advice Page 14-16 Posting Highlights Page 17 Minion on the Street Page 18-24 Lugbrz Legends Page 24 Celebrations

Orc male (ish) seeks freep for short-lived, ill-fated relationship. Friends describe me as a definite health risk and fairly murderous. Must be adventurous, open-minded, and tasty.

Personal:

GRaBT Issue 1

Horrorscopes
Leo

1 March 2014

100% Accurate, 60% of the Time By Silendra

Stop being such a pushover this month - especially if you employ any Geminis. You need to stand up on your own two feet (or possibly four, if you're a Mumak, a horse, a Warg, or seriously deformed) and be recognised for your achievements. Unless you don't have any achievements, in which case that Gemini might as well go ahead with that plan which we totally did not suggest nor condone at the GRaBT editing team. Scorpio Your month starts with a light shower of ash, but then this should clear up around Wednesday evening. Cloud cover will remain constant, gathering doom and ominous presence as ... this isn't the weather report? Am I not finished yet?! Fine, your lucky pasta is horse. No, wait. What? Sagittarius Winning three tons of goldfish after an impulse bet on the lavaracing sounded brilliant at the time, but will end in tragedy for a close friend. Stock up on mourning clothes, and be ready to get in there when the will is read. Avoid horses altogether, as it will only make the tragedy more ironic. Believe me. Capricorn A good month to invest your time in networking, stocks and telecommunications. Some of these haven't been invented yet, but it will help stave off the boredom of your sad, awful life. Your lucky horse is the Orlov Trotter, whatever that is. I don't make this stuff up, I only read the stars, and do you know how hard that is when they're under constant cloud cover?! Aquarius You lose a ton of goldfish on the races. Aquarius people always have goldfish, right? But not to worry, because on the other hand, you smell really good. Much better than usual. Maybe because you lost all those goldfish. Your lucky horse is named Tony. Get out there and find him. Be the Brony of Tony the Pony. Pisces As a goldfish, or at least, so I presume, you will shortly experience a close encounter of the awkward kind with a Libra. Brush it off and say you're not interested. Even if your eyes meet across an Orcquilla Sunset next month, it's best to stay quiet. Avoid tomatoes at all costs.

The year of the Horse shall bring beneficence to you all, and possibly a horse. If you're lucky, a whole horse, for riding. If you're unlucky, a dead horse may fall on you. If your luck is neutral, and just can't be bothered, perhaps you'll eat a piece of horse, maybe intentionally, because you were hungry, or maybe because you were curious. WHO KNOWS? YOUR STARS DO. Aries Your lucky horse is the piebald. You are destined to have some pie, but also to become bald. A happy solution may be to wear your pie on your head, so as to stimulate healthy hair growth, although this may also lead to passing people trying to eat your head. Avoid turkeys, as they especially like pie. Taurus Fate is upon you! Start gambling on horse races. Even though eventually, your winnings will erode away and you will gradually turn to a life of excessive substance use and crime in order to forget your sorrows, that is not due to come until next month. This month, you're lucky. Gemini This is the month to push for a promotion at work. And by push, I mean push your boss off the parapet. No one will notice, I swear. This horrorscope may not be used as evidence in court. Your lucky horse is apparently the parakeet, which suggests that this may be inaccurate anyway. I'll get back to you next month. Cancer Romance is in the air this season!...by which I mean it's the Fell-Beasts mating-time, so stay away from their pits, seriously. As for you, if you want company, your lucky horse is the appaloosa, and there aren't many around in Mordor, so best wishes with that. Libra You will suffer a vicious yet hilarious accident this month. I'd tell you when and where but I wouldn't want to spoil the surprise. You'll know it's coming up when you spot me nearby with an artist to capture the full situation. I'll say just this- be wary of goldfish! Virgo Nothing much happens to you this month. You must be a very boring person. In Mordor, that admittedly passes for lucky. Go you. Your lucky horse is the hackney.

GRaBT Issue 1

1 March 2014

You Might Be A Minion.

By Alkavarwen
Are you worried about your temper? Accidentally killed a friend over the last chunk of hobbit? Experiencing a higher than usual desire to maim and destroy? Not to worry, you might be a minion! Take this simple quiz to find out. Today we're considering that most minion-y of haunts, the pub. 1. You enter the pub. Where do you sit? a. At the nearest free table. I don't like to make a fuss. b. At the bar. Shortens the wait between ordering and drinking. c. At a table with some interesting looking traveller. They're usually the tastiest.

2. What do you order? a. Silmaril wine. Exotic, sweet and tasty. b. Screaming Ringwraith. Just don't ask where the 'essence' comes from. c. Blood. Starting with the freep who ordered the Silmaril wine. 3. After your drink, you head to the 'bathroom'. When you get back you find a lesser orc sitting in your seat. What do you do? a. Politely explain using your fine understanding of the orc vernacular that there's been a misunderstanding. b. Shout something obscene at a larger orc. Blame the lesser orc. See what happens. c. Give him a good stabbing. 4. A mysterious traveller enters the pub. What do you do? a. Offer him a drink and ask about his travels. b. Find out if he has anything worth stealing. c. Give him a good stabbing. 5. Closing time. What do you do? a. Thank the staff for their hospitality and tip generously. b. Pay and leave, swiping a few poorly attended coin bags on your way out. c. Who knows? You've drunk enough to knock out a Fellbeast anyway. Mostly As You're not a minion in the slightest. Even the smallest orcs consider stealing your (probably pink and fluffy) coin pouch. In fact if you're actually in the Black Lands you're probably already dead. If not, check behind you frequently. Mostly Bs Getting there. You have some minion-y tendencies and a definite deceitful streak. Lesser minions cross the road to avoid you and freeps feel deeply nervous sat next to you. Your dark side needs to be encouraged if you wish to reach your full minion potential. Mostly Cs Congratulations, you're a minion! You're belligerent, murderous and downright unpleasant to be around. Freep peasants write ballads about your fearsomeness and lesser minions shake at the mention of your name. Good job. 3

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Prison Pits of Tormenting Interviews

By Slew SilVesta

1 March 2014

Slew SilVesta here. Im deep in the bowels of Barad-dr to speak with our Interviewee for this month. Her name is Drifa and shes currently our guest in the Pits. Drifa is a Dwarf of the Lonely Mountain... or so she says. Drifa was playing things over in her head. How had she gotten here? And where was here??? It was dark and dank just like the mines she loved so well, but, what was that smell??? Thinking hard, she tried to remember... A strange eerie light with trick shadows in it. She looked up from the way she came, then shrugging her shoulders moved toward the light. But before both feet could cross the threshold into the light, it suddenly went out. There were cries and croaks in stoney voices all around her. She felt something like a vice grip grab her arm and then, a blow to her head. She knew no more... It has come to the Dark Lords attention that Mizz Drifa is the only Middle-earthian left who has medaled in all 3 Plaza Olympics. With the advent of the Shadowed Lands Olympics, Sauron wishes to ensure a winning team for Mordor, so he had her kidnapped in order for us to pick her brain for medal-winning ideas. In fact, the Dark Lord has provided me with Drifas full scouting report and resume, so lets go over it shall we? Drifa "driven snow " Origin: Geographical: Erebor/Lonely Mountain. Fathers Ancestors: Longbeards, direct from Durins line - Departed 2590 with Grr to the Iron Hills - Departed 2941 with Dain to Erebor/Lonely Mountain. Mothers Ancestors: Descendent of the Dwarves of Belegost Broadbeams - Departed 2590 with Grr to the Iron Hills - Departed 2941 with Dain to Erebor/Lonely Mountain. Both parents, sister and herself, were born in Erebor. Her Father and Mother died FA 245. Her sister, Kimli, left for Khazad-dum FA 246. She died FA 248. Drifa arrived in Khazad-dum FA March 248. Age: 140 - born on July 03, FA 108 or SR 1530 Clothing: Drifa is most comfortable in well fitted clothing. Long sleeved jerkins, preferably white, blue, green, beige, and leather pants. She is also known to don a kilt. Knee-high black boots and a cloak and hood of cobalt blue finish up her attire. She rarely wears a hat, except for the winter months, when she dons a soft fur lined leather cap. She usually has pearls or small silver hoop earrings and a thin silver chain with a small ruby attached. Weapons: A small half-moon hatchet. It was given to her by her sister Kimli when she left for Khazad-dum. She has it for many years. She carrys it with her more for sentimental reasons, but would not hesitate to use it should the cause arise. The blade is kept quite sharp. Special items: Small hatchet given to her as a parting gift from her sister Kimli, as well as Kimlis Telchar Medal, received from King Annolori and Queen Marin. Cont. page 5
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1 March 2014

Familiar / Animal(s)(but see comments below): Takal: A smallish raven with ice blue eyes. She became acquainted with Takal on a journey to Moria which she took with her sister Kimli, who was departing to live there. She discovered Takal in amongst some brushwood. The bird was injured (leg was broken) and starving. Under normal circumstances, she wouldve let nature take its course and left the bird but, when upon closer inspection the bird turned its head trying to scurry away, she noticed the color of its eyes. She was amazed. They were blue! She knew the bird was special. She tended to the bird and they developed a great friendship.. Takal was her companion on the way back to Erebor. Takal is her own master but, has rendered her many a service. One hundred and forty years ago, on a blustery winters night in Erebor, a dwarf was born. Her mother and father delighted thought, under the circumstances, that it would suit their new daughter to be named Drifa; driven snow. Drifa was an adorable babe. She had one sibling. Her sister Kimli. Her life in Erebor was good. She grew to be a honorable and hard working dwarf. To the denizens of Khazad-dum, Drifa appears a petite dwarf. She has green eyes, flecked with gold, dark brown hair, shoulder length. She has a wide mouth and deep dimples. Her beard is always neatly trimmed and she can at times be seen donning a kilt. Drifa is a very private person. She is, as is the dwarven nature, very laborious. She does not make friends easily, but once she does, she does not forget them. Drifa at times can be a nail-biter, worrying too much. And on the other hand, if need be, she can take charge at the drop of a coin. She has a soft spot for moonlit nights, poetry, and ballet. Drifa's arrival in Khazad-dum was under sorrowful conditions, the death of her sister Kimli. Yet, wonderful memories of her sister and the bustle of Khazad-dum soon healed all. Drifa has met some extraordinary people, and has made friends. She has followed in her sister's footsteps and has joined the IKWS and Drill leagues. She has found, amidst the melting pot that is Khazad-dum, a home. Drifa moved back to the Lonely Mountain eventually and has followed again in her sisters footsteps and has been a member of the IRWS for five years. She is a member of the Wilderland Region where she enjoys living. She has currently opened a new newbie thread for the Region, Wilderland , Beyond the Edge of the Wild and a new announcement thread, Siniath Alda - Announcements. She also has a few games and RP threads that she likes to frequent. Check out Wilderland for the scoop. It would seem as though you arent just annoying in Wilderland, the Dark Lords scouts have reported great activity at the Cottage of Lost Play. That really is a death wish here in case you didnt know. But maybe if you explain why you hang around elves and how it can help us win medals he wont kill you. I guess it all began with the poetry and the Ankixogs Clan. I always remember the first time I walked into the tent in the cave... Kimli walks into the Ankixogs tent. On entering she see Jonathan and nods her head. Looking about her she sees Wrestlingdr and Fili and Kili (she hopes one day to be able to call him Fiki). She raises her hand in Cont. page 6

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salutation. Walking towards Blue Silk Sword, she bows low and says "Greetings! Kimli at your service! It is good to see you again Silk. I have been travelling around the kindom, enjoying the many sites and people. But now, I feel the need of a place to lay my axe and make-up pack. Does your offer still stand? " Kimli smiles and hopes the answer is yes. Too increase her chances of joining, Kimli offers up a drinking song as a contribution towards membership. Raise Ye Cup! First ye have to get the grain tis best they say in the rain. Soak it well until it sprouts Then take it home and dry it outs. Oh, ale, ale ale, ale... Now ye have to add the yeast Boil it up an agitate, check the barm, and dont be late. This is how you fermentate. Oh, ale,ale,ale,ale... We are almost there Oh, ale, ale, ale,ale... Here is the part without haste this is were you make the taste Add the hops to your brew many flavours you can do dark , light , pilsner and lager porter, schenk, bitter and weiss Oh, ale, ale, ale, ale... And raise ye cup and drink ye brew. That is what youre suppose to do. You worked hard to make it right, so take your time and drink all night. Oh, ale, ale, ale, ale... After the poetry, art became my alter ego's passion. There is something I see when I look at a tree or flower; a rock or root, wood in the water, an apple sitting in a sun-ray, silver in a mine shaft, that stares out at me, with a face that intrigues me, and I just have to capture it in some way, whether it be in a life image or a drawing or cooking. I may not always portray it the way my minds-eye sees it, but I always have fun creating it. Middleearth/The Lord of The Rings Fanatics Plaza, a place and chance for this old dwarf to create. Lets take a peek at what the scouting report says about your Olympic endeavors... Cont. page 7

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Prison Pits of Tormenting Interviews

1 March 2014

Minas Tirith Olympics, June 2003 Riddles KD team bronze What are you implying here? Inquiring minds want to know... Erendur one last soul, swimming in a fish bowl so you were drinking at the Olympics??? We have won the bronze in the Riddling game...Yippeee! Here, please share my wine with me. I have been waiting for our brothers to arrive. I dare say Sauron will want to know about this. If drinking and spouting off weirdness can get someone a bronze medal, then the minions should be well set. The Dark Games Mordor, October 2004 The Horrible Heptathlon - Silver Medal (KD Team) Blackened Beach Boggleball - Silver Medal (KD Team) "I see you're not a fan of the elvsies, does that mean you are a fan of the Dark Lord??? Bah! Elves! Long in the legs and long in the mouth! "Elves! They have the attention span of a lightning bolt." and it doesn't look like you have any love lost for the minions either... She looks over at the minions. Bah! Their not even worth a taunt. Hey Raven! Any actual relation to the bird? Mahal, with a nose like that, laugh and the world will laugh with you. Sneeze and its goodbye Rohan. Ha! lots of attitude... Seriously, if Ive said anything to offend you, I mean it and just what exactly are you implying here missy? She stands in the ready position, her feet in the ash, wishing they couldve played against a real team. Not one pumped up on BN-eroids. Was Kimli a spy? Are you a spy??? do you think you're invisible? got hold of any rings lately have we?? Kimli subbing for nobody. The beatings of the night before had left Drifa more than a little woozy. The strange big lady/thing was asking questions far faster than her mind could comprehend. All she could do was blurt out Kimli was my sister before slumping back down in the chair. Cont. page 8
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1 March 2014

Oh yes, its all right here on the scouting report. Lets see... Kimli, born in Erebor, came to Khazad-dum and became a member of the Ankixog clan. She enjoyed reading, poetry, singing and cooking. She also enjoyed competitions and was a member of the IKWSL and participated in two Middle-earth Olympics. She spent most of her time in the tent in the cave, home of the Ankixogs. Then one night in early spring disaster fell... I unbeknownst to most of the clan , Kimli has been in her room for sometime. Unfortunately, they will discover this whereupon, it will be to late... Kimli lies in her bed dreaming.. She is running over the green grass, laughing. Everyone she cares for and loves is there, smiling. The clouds in the sky form shapes that remind her of all the wonderful things she has known and accomplished in her life. And then, she is rising as if on a cloud herself. She smells smoke, and she can hear voices shouting. And although she feels the sensation of floating, her chest feels heavy and her eyes remain closed. And for an instant, she sees a flash of faces pass before her eyes. There is Doc and Silk. She bows low to them. And then Sharvak, Goldbeard and Ceil, riding by upon Annabelle Lee, the Old Raven sitting on Ceils shoulder. Her eyes fill with tears as she sees Zani, Xcelsior and Cherry and last but not least, dear Smeagupse. And then she feels a sharp pain akin to sadness in her chest, and as quick as it comes, it goes, taking every fear and hurt she has ever known and passing on. She has never felt happier in her life. And with a smile on her face she whispers. "To all my Ankixog friends..twistleuk, Arrineior, Boryslaw, Jonathan, Malcolmborg, Nacermincer/Slaine mac Roth, ValinStonehelm/Svein,Valinn, Silan Siryker, Svein Ironforge, FiKi, Lausus, Fundin II.. I will never forget you! Farewell!" And with a content sigh, she is no more.... Proud and Faithful Sooo, Kimli just went away? To where? What did she do with her Olympic medals? Wake up you miscreant!!! Slew had no choice but to throw a bucket of rancid water on her half-counscious interviewee... You want to pick a fight with a Dwarf-women, eh? Ha! Beware, fire can leap from her eyes. A lashing from her tongue would make the Balrogs whip tickle. Pick a fight with a Dwarf-women, eh? Ho! Don't even think of it, bud! With swift agile movements her hammer-head comes down. You will see her eyes gleaming as sparks fly and stars go-round. You really want to pick a fight with her, eh? Uh-oh! More the sucker for it are you! She will get you in a headlock with arms like a vice. She will watch as your eyes bulge and smile real nice. And now you are frightened, eh? Ah-ha! But its to late! She will knock your head off with a powerful stroke, then check her nails to make sure they are not broke. And you wanted to pick a fight with a Dwarf-women, eh?..Bah! Cont. page 9
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1 March 2014

Yes, its nice to see you awake and rhyming, but lets please stay on task okay? Back to your resume... Fangorn Olympics 2005 Traveling Riverside Blues: Gold Medal (Individual) Drifa, Bronze Medal (KD Team) What Is And What Should Never Be: Bronze Medal (KD Team) It has come to our understanding that the Ents of Fangorn have burned all archeological evidence of their Olympics, probably because the minions were so good. But seeing that you won an individual gold medal in Traveling Riverside Blues and Bronze with the KD team, we have one very important question. Cheat much? And What Is And What Should Never Be? How do you win a team bronze for a question? 'Cheat?? What do you take me for? A petty dwarf? I will have you know that those medals, the Gold especially, were won fair and square by Drifa the Dwarf and her incredible, 'ballet shoes.' Aye, that was the year I took up ballet and danced my way to a gold medal in Traveling Riverside Blues. Tis a terrible shame that those Ents burnt the records (let alone played with fire after the Orthanc incident), for one could have seen the magnificent, pas de deux's and Grand pli's, that no other Freep of Middle-earth had ever performed before! And What is And What Should Never Be, the challenges contained riddles, lore questions, transcriptions, translations, puzzles, something which I, if I may say so myself, am pretty good at being a member of the Drill and IKWS. Aye, those Olympic games were memorable.' I see that you have been Smaug three times, three creepy Christmasy times - December 2006, December 2008, and December 2010. The Dark Lord thinks Smaug would be of great benefit during an Olympics and would very much like to know how you accomplished such a feat. 'Hard work is how I accomplished the honors if you must know. But the actual transformation, well, I swear that accursed Smaug just found his way back again and again, any way he could. The first invasion occurred in 2006 just before a Drill match. The old fool was on top of his game I must say. He even, I recall, had the audacity to sing. ' Im to sexy for my scales too sexy for my scales So sexy it hurts Im a dragon extraordinaire you know what I mean And I do my little turn on the mountain-top Yeah on the mountain-top on the mountain-top yeah I do my little turn on the mountain-top. 'After that embarrassing appearance, I got better control over him. The next two times he took over, I controlled him to the point that no one even knew he was about. I haven't seen him in a few years. And tho' he was a boastful worm full of arrogance, I would rather have him on my back than you bunch curs. Bah! ' Cont. page 10

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1 March 2014

You calling the minions curs? Actually, we take that as a compliment, but look at the lovely portrait of a pot calling a kettle black.

This is outrageous!!! I look like Charles Manson. Glad to see you like it. And speaking of deranged, can you explain this? Im actually looking forward to this one Ms. Yellow Boo-TEE (AKA Bombadil in Drag) The house lights dim. A hush falls on the crowd. Light bathes the caged ring and a purple spotlight illuminates a voluptuous, somewhat familiar looking personality. A deep, sultry voice begins to sing. "O Ms.Yellow Boo-Tee is a merry fellow Tight tight his gown is, and his boo-tees are stilettos Green is his garter belts and his nylons all of leather" Waving to the crowd, the MC gaily throws a purple feather boa into the air and then begins to speak in a singsong voice. Hey dol! Merry dol! Come join us around the ring, a dong dillo! Welcome, welcome one and all to the Middle-earth Cage Match Extravaganza! I am the one and only Ms.Yellow Boo-Tee, Master of the Withywillow Drag Fellows Unfortunately, Drifa has lost consciousness once again, whether its because of the embarrassment of being reminded of Tom B in D or because of the beatings we shall never know; but I will just have an orc pull her beard a little to wake her back up... One final question: What can you tell us about the dwarf Ai? Is it true her and the Prince of Dol Amroth have a thing going? Drifa thought groggily for a moment, too mad about someone pulling her beard to think properly. Drifa looked warily at the interrogator, hoping against hope that providing an answer would allow her to leave this awful Cont. page 11
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place. 'Ai is a cousin of mine!! What are you saying? She would never stoop so low as to have a 'thing going' with a man who thinks hes an ELF!!!! Mind you, I could see her loyalty being confused for such a 'thing'. It has been awhile since I visited with Ai. She has been living in Dol Amroth for a number of years now. And now that you mention it, she does look a little more s'elfish'. Oh, I hope word doesn't get out about this. Drifa eyed the interrogator and knew this wish would never come true. But what is one to do? Times are changing. Dragon's are slain, man, elf and dwarf live in harmony. Bah! Thank Mahal the Olympics only occur every four years or we would all be making kissy-faces... At that, Drifa passed out for the last time, which is good because Slew wasnt about to thank her for the interview...

Bloody Bites
Questionable cuisine for all *Filet Morgnon with Hobbit Toe-Wine Sauce 1/2 cup low-sodium manbroth 1/4 cup polluted water 2 tsp all-purpose bone marrow 3/4 tsp Orquilla mustard 1/2 tsp minced intestine 1/4 tsp salt 1/8 tsp black pepper Dwarf fat 2 Elf tenderloin steaks 1 handful pre-sliced Hobbit toes 1/2 flask Silmaril Wine Heat a large cast-iron skillet over high flame. Combine first 7 ingredients in a bucket. Coat pan with dwarf fat. Add Elf steaks to pan; cook 5 minutes on each side or until desired degree of doneness. Remove Elf steaks from pan. Add sliced Hobbit toes to pan, and cook 3 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove Hobbit toes from pan. Remove pan from heat; add Silmaril wine, scraping pan to loosen browned bits of Elf flesh. Reduce embers to medium. Return pan to heat. Add manbroth mixture to pan; bring to a boil. Cook 1 minute, stirring frequently. Stir in Hobbit toes. *Mordance-in-a-Bucket Salad Dump the following into a large bucket: 3 Ent branches, chopped 2 Huorn limbs, debarked and sliced 1 Eagle beak, chopped 6 hemlock, hulled and sliced 12 still fluttering dead moths 1 handful minced intestine 1/4 glob chopped lichen seasoned Enting slices to taste dried eyeballs to taste 1/4 glob chewed goat seasoned rocks to taste 1/2 bladder Tark salad dressing Use large spear or sword to stir, then enjoy! *Thick and Bloody Potatoes Au Gorthaur 5 moldy potatoes torn into chunks 3 horse kidneys, minced 3/4 tsp salt 1 cup human blood, clotted freshly ground black pepper to taste freshly ground Hobbit bones to taste 2 mouthfuls freshly chewed Gondorian cheese Dwarf fat Place potatoes, horse kidneys, and salt into a large pot, fill with enough dirty water to cover, and bring to a boil. Reduce embers to medium, and simmer the potatoes until tender but not mushy. Grease roasting pan with dwarf fat. With a slotted spoon, transfer about half the potatoes to the large roasting pan. Pour half of the blood over the potatoes, season with black pepper and ground Hobbit bones, and spit half of the chewed Gondorian cheese onto the mixture. Top with the remaining potatoes; sprinkle again with black pepper and ground Hobbit bones. Pour on the remaining blood and spit the remaining chewed Gondorian cheese. Roast in the fire until the Gondorian cheese topping is slimy and green on top, about 1 hour.

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GRaBT Issue 1

Weather

1 March 2014

Good evening! This is your GRaBT meteorologist Grumdum with your forecast for the week but mostly your nights. It looks like it will be a dry, hot week with some planet annihilation activity towards the latter half. On Monday, daytime high of 130. Weve got a pretty nice night for us. Well have a little bit of light from the moon with a low of -5 degree Fahrenheit and a wind chill factor of about 25. For Tuesday, daytime high of 150 at noon. That night well have a nice big waxing gibbous that looks like a pat of butter you can put on your crusty bread rations. Eye activity is expected to be about normal. Lows in the single digits. Wednesday, daytime high of 150 at noon. Wednesday night, well have a full moon. Eye activity is expected to be high and a volcanic eruption is in your forecast so plan accordingly. Make sure that if youre anywhere near Orodruin to take full precautions. Lows are expected in the upper 90s and there is an unlimited high pending the eruption. Thursday, daytime high of 135 at noon. Thursday night well return to a waning gibbous with some cloud cover, but be on high alert. Nazgul dont need moonlight so dont been tricked by the passing storm systems. Lows in the single digits. Highs forthcoming pending Orodruin activity. Friday high winds and duststorms expected. Daytime high of 170 at noon. Friday night, well see the moon turning a foo-Elfish silvery color. Dont be fooled by it its going to be another cold night. Eye activity low. Nighttime lows of -20 with a wind chill of -30. Saturday high winds and scattered twisters during the day with a high of 160 at noon. Multiple massive hurricanes expected on Sea of Nurnen. Saturday night, lows in the 90s, an eruption, and a Death Star in the forecast. Sunday, winds will die down but will still be a threat. Daytime high of 120. Sunday night, expect a high volume eruption from Orodruin which will push our high into the 200s. If you havent caught pneumonia from the weather fluctuations, look up to see some more foo-Elfy stars. High Nazgul patrols expected.

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GRaBT Issue 1

Yris Yens

1 March 2014

Urgent questions of romance, etiquette, general life problems? Write your favorite pubmistress for advice- favorable answers not guaranteed. Gifts also accepted. Dear Yri, I have a terrible problem. If you dont help me Im afraid my next letter will be coming to you from the gallows, or worse. You see, Im in love with Boromir. Yes, the dead guy. Hes so handsome, well he was anyway, and so virile, and so masculine, and just so, so... *swoons* Ive made a doll out of him. I snuck into his quarters and stole some of his clothes, then I stuffed them with straw and now I can snuggle with him whenever I want. Unfortunately, that isnt enough I WANT THE REAL THING!!! Now, I know you probably receive hundreds of letters from lovesick Gondorian women dealing with scoundrelian heartbreak, but this one is different. You see, my love is turning into hate. I WANT TO KILL FARAMIR!!! I realize such thoughts are probably encouraged in some of the places you've traveled, but in the White City they tend to protect the Steward, quite vigorously if necessary. *sighs* He just reminds me so much of poor dead Boromir -why did Faramir get to live? Its so not fair... Can you help me Dear Yri? I dont want to kill the Steward, then stuff his body with hay so I can pretend hes his dead brother. I think the Rangers would seriously frown upon that. HELP ME!!! Signed, Guyless in Gondor Dear Guyless, You have a problem. You seem to be laboring under the delusion that Boromir is dead, when hes actually out there alive and just waiting to be abducted by a suitable admirer! How did you not notice the fresh scent of tark when you were sneaking around his quarters? Well done on that by the way- I imagine you had to bypass quite a bit of security to get in there. The doll snuggling thing is pretty creepy, but well pass over that for now. This love-to-hate thing might actually play to your advantage. If you can get into Boromors quarters, you can definitely get into Faramirs. Nobody loves him, so he wont be very well guarded. Once you get in there, slide a knife between his ribs or some other effective form of murder, and wait for the older brother to come running! Then, when hes incapacitate with grief, you can drop a sack of his head, give him a bash on the noggin, and drag him off to your lair. Er, home. Good luck sweetums! -Yri

Dear Yri, I live at home, and my father constantly complains about the screams of tortured creatures late at night. I've tried gagging the subjects and giving my father earplugs as a birthday present, both with limited success. He still threatens to kick me out if I continue to use my room as a torture chamber. Is he being unreasonable? Do you have a suggestion for a cash-strapped minion to continue practicing his hobbies in peace? Cont. page 13

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Yris Yens Posting Highlights

1 March 2014

Posting Highlights
A few further notes: Due to difficulties of a financial nature, I've been unable to move out or get a chamber elsewhere to use for the purpose, and my dead-end job will not allow me to find another time to work. Killing my father is out of the question; not only would my mother immediately murder me, but I would be burdened with the full sum of the monthly rent. As it is my dream to one day work in the Black Pits, you can imagine how important it is to me to practice now - my future might depend on this. - An Impoverished Amateur Torture Enthusiast Seen a post that made you laugh? Cry? Think why am I not that cool? Send your nominations to the editors! This months selections: By Trin in The Movies: Just got back from Desolation of Smaug Does anyone know the name of the movie that's supposed to be the second installment of The Hobbit? I thought it was this one, but apparently I was mistaken. By Narv in Hoppit Darts (Mordor): Non-GMPC Organic Narv Moris, Cave Troll Narv arrived late. Most do, said the vast postmortem blackness of the Void, that great chasm of nonexistence that made the infinite seem infinitesimal, the astronomical seem comical, and the really really big seem actually kind of small now that you look at it tbh. Clever, emanated Narv, once Troll #14 of the Morannon's Most Vicious West Gate, once assistant Postmistress of all Mordor, now ethereal soul-litter wafting odiously toward oblivion. You're very large by the way. We've already covered that, but yes thanks. So do I just... come in anywhere? Narv asked, surveying the darkness that stretched out in front of him in all directions, an enormous empty horizon that swallowed its own zenith and gave no hint of left or right or up - just down in all directions. Did someone say 'down'? asked the Void. That was me, I said. I was just using italics for emphasis. Well that's a stupid thing to do, said Narv, you're the one who picked italics for dialogue. Cont. page 15
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Dear Impoverished, Your dedicated to torture is admirable, but your initiative is lacking. Khaulzm might be extremely shallow, but he does expect a certain amount of brainpower out of his torturers- so if you want to get in the pits soon, youd better get on that! Fortunately, you have me to help you out. My first suggestion of course would be to simply remove your father from the equation. Mother too if she fusses. But apparently youre broke, and need to leech off the for the rent. Again, admirable, but puts you in a tight spot. Therefore I advise you to do this: invite your father to observe one of your torturing sessions so you can show off all the effort youve been putting in to keeping your victims quiet. Then if hes still not satisfied, tie him to your rack (you do have a rack, dont you? Every self respecting torturer needs a rack) and stick needles into his ears until he cant hear the screaming anymore. He doesnt need his hearing to bring home the rent money, does he? Win-win! Bless,

GRaBT Issue 1

Posting Highlights

1 March 2014

Well it seemed like the best way to convey wordless transmutation of spiritual communicative energies of the extraspatiotemporal, metanarrative sort, I said, peevishly. Well fine, sputtered the Void, but just get out of this post, you're screwing up the whole pacing. Go to OOME or something. And I'm not sputtering, I'm retorting, it added. stupidly. I heard that. Anyway, said the soul of Narv, after a bemused beat, can we get back to... what are we doing? Oh, you asked about coming in, said the Void. That's precisely the issue. You can't, just now, I'm told. Told by whom? asked Narv, secretly relishing the capacity for grammatical omnipotence that was apparently possessed by those few lingerers in the space between reality and nihility. sweet word btw roh By whom? Oh, it was... - the Void paused for a timeless aeon or two, deep in thought - Mentos. Mentos? Mentos. I don't think it was Mentos. Oh come on it was Mentos. Or like.. Mendos... Mundos... the one with the Halls, you know, the death one. It probably says in the Sil or something. What? the languishing soul of Silendra perked up from deep within the dark. The Silmarillion, Narv clarified. Oh, that, said the blackness whose vastness eclipsed all possible Suns, within whose deep folds Time itself became less fulfilled by work than it used to be, graciously retired, had a couple grandkids, wished they would call a bit more often, stopped going for morning runs, started watching Leno, stopped watching Leno, stopped watching anything, whimpered, and died, I keep meaning to read that.. and I will, I will, it's just.. it's kind of long, don't you think? Yeah. Anyway, Mendes said you can't leave Ea until you sort out who's who and stop being more than one being and being dead people and all that freewheeling surrealist stuff. It's messed up the whole fabric of things and so on. What, me? I'm just a dead assistant postmistress. And a damn fine one I've heard. But you were not always so, and you did not so remain - did you? Well... Go on, prodded the Void, enjoying this brief turn as cross-examiner that had popped up unexpectedly in the midst of this long eternity of empty night. I guess I do get myself confused with... with an orc, sometimes, Narv admitted. I mean he's got my name, and he talks pretty much the same, and he acts the same and has the same number of points and whatnot. And..? And... a dwarf, too, sometimes. Cont. page 16
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Posting Highlights

1 March 2014

I also heard in the Spawning Pool you were a hobbit. Pretty cornball one too. Oh come on, OOC posts are off limits! Friggin Roh. Yes, Rohanna -- she is the other one. Bending identity can be coped with it - I mean we tried the ascending point cost thing but everyone was like "come on" so we were just like god, fine whatever then - the Void took a deep breath - but then you two went beyond the limits of flexibility. Messing around with Time - that's just stupid. What? said Dain. Time. Oh. Nevermind. Anyway, the Void continued, the point is there are an estimated nine individual consciousnesses, spread out over a decade and across thousands of miles, all concurrently playing hoppit darts and residing within the physical forms of just two beings. It's just... Stupid? ventured Narv. Stupid, agreed the Void. So the rub is this. I can't let any of you out of the fabric of the world until the distribution of consciousness across space and time renormalizes. It's thermodynamics, maybe. Fine. You read that in the Sil too? Shut up. pause. So... what do I do? Narv asked, noting with mild interest that the lack of a physical form was having significant positive effects on his cowardice, slowwittedness, and body odor issues. Just... uh.. go back, I guess. I think it's the last round anyway, so once it's over it should all just dissolve into Past and can be smoothed out from there. Well, how do I go back? Oh that, same way we did the wizard. We just chuck you in the J.R. and shoot you back, said the Void, gesturing impossibly toward a large, but under the circumstances, not so large as all that really, incorporeal cylinder of blacker-than-blackest-black-etc metal mounted on two old wooden wheels with a little string coming out the back. The J.R.? Narv asked, hesitantly. The John Ronald. ...What is it? It's the Canon. You mean Cannon? I autocorrected, helpfully. Shut up and go check your email, said the Void. Hop in, Mr. Moris. boom Narv arrived late. He grabbed some darts in a hurry and tossed them distractedly at someone or other and lumbered trollishly to the bar. He asked for some ice, a request which he articulated by grabbing the bartender and stuffing him lazily in the icebox with a cup, and upon receipt daintily (a relative term) applied it to his ankles, knees, elbows, back, neck, and every other body part that one might expect to be sore after being sent via canon from an infinite transphysical planisphere down to the front patio (a relative term) of On the Rocks. "Shot?" the bartender offered after brushing himself off, being familiar with certain regulars' predilections. "Yeah," said Narv, "sure was."
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GRaBT Issue 1

Minion on the Street

1 March 2014

In which the intrepid Globmd takes to the streets of Mordor to interview one of our residents in a provocative manner. No, not that kind of provocative! Behave yourself. This months topic: Mordor Politics Interviewee: Silendra

What do you think the proper punishment for Foo should be? - This depends, obviously, on the nature of the transgression. Maybe a little flaying for a first offence - if you want to see pink, why not the inside of your skin? Or if you really love pink, why not reflect on the healthy pink colour of your own intestines? Is the current policy of Mordor for Foo effective? Obviously not. The reasons are simple: we have no Nazgul, no Witch-king and no Sauron. We have a Faramir who rules Shadowed-Lands, but I believe he's more amused by Foo than repelled. We have successfully encouraged him to build a foo-eating machine, however Do you agree with Sauron's foreign policy? What Sauron? What foreign policy? What percentage of Mordorians do you think feel their lives are unnecessarily intruded on by the government? No such thing as an unnecessary intrusion. Your life belongs to Mordor and so does your death. But probably 100%, as we minions are cranky and complainy. Should elections be allowed in Mordor? Well, my vote's no Do you agree with the Dark Lord's recent move to stabilize negotiations with Harad? Yes, of course, I would never contradict Sauron in any way shape or form *cough cough* But actually, anything that brings the possibility of new soldiers (people getting killed instead of me) or trade (some variation in the diet...orc cannot live on manflesh alone) is a positive Do you agree that Isengard can viewed as a valuable ally? No, Isengard is a useful pawn in our mechanations, but never tell them that. If Saruman were not so concerned with his hair and nails, I would say they would be a valuable castle, continuing this chess metaphor Would you vote for a possible 10% proposed tax on all alcoholic beverages for the national security budget, if you could vote? ARE YOU CRAZY NO, not that I really get paid, or even pay for my drinks, per se Should we rely on Shelob as a viable national defense measure, or should she be viewed as a possible internal threat? We don't rely on Shelob. That's why Cirith Ungol is manned. Or orced, if you will. She's not a threat as long as she's kept well fed, anyway - Ladyship doesn't like coming out of her hole. Should the use of Nazgul strikes be condoned, or should the UN step in and declare them violations of creature's rights? Rights? Who needs rights? What's the UN? Who needs condoning by it? Do you agree with the recent move by the Imladris Convention to label Black Breath as an unethical chemical weapon? Yes, that means nobody except us will use it. Suckers. Although Elrond can talk, have you been near him after he's had the pickled walnuts?

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Lugbrz Legends
by Gimbatl Rivende, The Ithilien Inkslinger

1 March 2014

Im here today in a newly-discovered vault far beneath even the prison pits of Barad-dr. And unlike my last top-secret highly publicized vault opening, this time I actually had a Snaga open the vault first to make sure there was something in there, or more appropriately anything in there that would mess up my face. But you, my dear readers, will go with me as I actually enter the first of many of Saurons secret antediluvian vaults. Upon opening the door, the first thing I see is the unfortunate remains of what appears to be a human lass, its a bit hard to tell with just bones, though I do have to give the Dark Lord credit for pinning someone to a wall so that when all their skin and bodily fluids rot away their bones remain pinned. He always was so creative...Lets see, theres a note pinned to the bones that says Aure. Im guessing thats a name. Oh, and there are smaller bones pinned next to her, I really cant make out what that used to be. The note says and your little kraken too ... well that clears things up, right? There are shelves underneath the bones with piles of old scrolls. Lets unroll one and see what it says, maybe they explain the bones... the first naming of the mold de la mold of Mordor ... SCRs in the common speech... but it says here that ranks werent awarded they were given to the best beggers??? Yes, upon a bit more searching that appears exactly how the Land of Shadows handled its first SCRs, by making the minions beg for them. Rohanna 03/Apr/2004 at 11:07 PM Lord Sauron and Lady Gothmog: I hereby crave your indulgence while I expound on my reasons to be the Witchking of Angmar. 1) I love this murky kingdom of Mordor and can see that it would benefit greatly by my terrifying presence roaming around on a fell-beast. 2) Should this mode of transportation be sadly lacking due to Rohirric maidens felling them, I would remind you that I am of their stock and can easily dissuade them from the error of their ways. Because of my upbringing, I can ride a horse with unsurpassing excellence, thus fitting the icon admirably. 3) As a woman occupying this fearsome role, I shall not fear the so-called prophecies of Glorfindel. 4) I have tried to contribute to this kingdom since my defection from the free peoples, including WSL, lava snake racing, and Route 666, and I will endeavor to bring more glory for the honor of Mordor and my mighty rulers in this role. 04/Apr/2004 at 10:41 AM I, Loke Clogwearer, known as Nell to some and by various other names at various other times, would love to be Withchking, purely for the sake of scaring the living daylights out of the other debating teams on the Plaza, when they find themselves up against Sauron, Gothmog and the Witchking all at once. However, given that this position is obviously highly coveted (and rightly so) among the minions of Mordor, I have decided that, as Black Captain of the garrison of Cirith Ungol, it is appropriate for my character to apply for the position of Shagrat, just to introduce him to the Plaza in familiar surrounds, and in a manner befitting him. I may have to dumb myself down a little in order to play the character, so gawan, gissit, wont yer? Me Lord? Yer know yer want to.. Cont. page 19
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Minyadagniriel 05/Apr/2004 at 12:40 AM I wouldnt mind being the dumb orc because I am a dumb orc. Inzilbth 05/Apr/2004 at 07:29 AM My dreadful Lord and Lady, I would most definitely be the best choice for being Dumb Orc. Not only am I already an orc, but I definitely aint da smartest orc either. It would not be a major task for me to act as the dumb orc, for I act in that role most of the time anyway. Being witless has always been a joy and I have graced and served Mordor with my doltist presence for a long enough while to deserve such a title as Dumb Orc. Mandallah 11/Apr/2004 at 05:24 PM You have waited long enough. Let the characters come to life. The Nazgul, Khamul is reserved for the Minion of the Month. Loke has now passed into the wraith world and bears a ghoulish touch. Shagrat - an orc of Cirith Ungol. Thereby, the most active member of Cirith Ungol shall be rewarded with this character. Congratulations Roguey. You are now Shagrat, scheming and duplicitous Orc of the Tower. The Wildman - a heathen from the east, fearless and savage. This honour shall go to a recent arrival to Mordor, to reward those who have little experience but show great promise. Congratulations Faire Ulundo. Your efforts in the Kingdom have not gone unnoticed. Dumb Orc - some comic relief? This will go to the funniest comment or deed performed by a minion. Since I get to choose the first one, this goes to Aure, for saying I couldnt sink the Arc and for being the most alluring Riddlemistress Mordor has ever seen and for keeping a pet squid in a bucket. Aure 11/April/2004 at 07:04 PM Milord...while I am indeed honoured that you found me amusing and alluring, I did not request any of the special ranks because I did not particularly wish for any of them, this one included. I have a great deal of trouble already with my normal rank and would prefer not to have another special one confusing people as to the nature of my character. Thusly, I must request on bended knee that you bestow this honour upon another deserving, or perhaps not so deserving soul, but at least upon a more desiring- soul. Mandallah 11/April/2004 at 8:58 PM Dumb Orc, shunned by Aure, will stumble to Minyadagniriel, for showing interest to the poor, unwanted character first and foremost. Well that explains the bones pinned to the wall - one doesnt exactly look a Sauron gift in the mouth it would seem. Heres another note... The other kingdoms just randomly gave their first SCRs away, no begging, no pinning to the walls, how boring, how utterly uninteresting.... Cont. page 20
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Khazad-Dum, Dwarves - pfft, no style at all. Official announcement by Queen? Dis on 09/May/2004 at 09:23 PM Narsi: Gimli Geir: Thorin Nain Mithrilear: Smaug Oin: Durins Bane Rusty Axe: Bombur A brief note my dear readers: Several of these so-called dwarves eventually made their way to the Dark Land, and one even managed to topple all others and become the Dark Lord himself. Strange how that happens isnt it? I guess thats why Sauron kept the information on the first KD SCRs. *Achooo* Excuse me. There are many other scrolls in this pile, Im assuming Saurons spying on all the other kingdoms and their first awardings, but the dust is really bothering me and accolades of anyone besides myself are pretty boring finds. Lets move into the vault a little farther and see what else we find... Many baubles and trinkets lying around. Whats this? Im lifting a very torn and tattered white glove that looks like...eeewww... has the remains of a hand still in it... Laielinwen 03/May/2003 at 03:26 AM Middle-Earth Olympics~Opening Ceremonies The Queen had stood quietly at first as the imposing host from Mordor made their way into the stadium. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out the One White Glove. Placing it on her right hand, the One White Gloved Hand of Arwen waved to the Dark Lords Olympians. "Moohaha Mordor!" she shouted to them doing her best evil cow laugh. "Moohaha! Moohaha!" Some of the minions looked at her in a puzzled way, but knowing she was good friends with Sauron and the WitchKing they just grinned their evil grins and continued to march on. The White Gloved Hand of Arwen had struck fear into the Mordorian host.... but then the evil cow laugh had somewhat countered that and they were again neutral. Mo 28/Jun/2003 at 08:28 AM Ack.. Late again but nevermind. * Morgorth comes into the closing ceremony full of nostalgic nostalia, and bad spelling. He began the olympics as an orc and through the events, his rank grew apace. He remembered the opening lists when his name had been included as a sub, in one event. His tally had ended after competing in 5 and during the culmination, advancing to Witchking.* This vault just goes and goes and goes my friends. It would seem there are hundreds of scrolls of Sauron here. Who knew the Black Hand was used to keep a diary? Cont. page 21
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Lugbrz Legends

1 March 2014

Silendra 06/Aug/2008 at 02:14 AM It had amused Sauron in recent years to keep a diary. It was not one of those foolish Evil Dark Lord Diaries where all One's plans and plots and reasonings were carefully set out for the world to see should His publicists feel the need or His employees become greedy; it was more of an ongoing public warning. This was because Sauron, claiming fraudulently to find it hard to hold a pen with nine fingers - not that anyone actually ever asked Him for explanations - had asked His office to send up those creatures who were in need of a little intimidation every so often, but were too useful to actually incapacitate by simply giving them a good beating. He would then instruct them to sit down and dictate His diary (and if they didn't know how to write, they sure learned super quick.) And whats this? The Opening night poster from the Inaugural On the Rocks? Sweet! Im keeping this! Oh wait, sshhhh... 01/Sep/2004 Welcome to On The Rocks, Mordors new permanent pub sitting on the slopes of the magnificent Mount Doom. I am Rohanna, aka Pub Wench, the owner of said establishment. I continue in a long line of very grouchy minion pubmasters, so dont rile me. Pub employees: Rohs Assistant/Pub Mistress: Aure Chief Bartender: Tyranus Assistant bartender/busboy: Narv Cocktail waitress: Nemia Cocktail waitress: Arha (LOA) Cratchety old cook: Grath Chief Torturer: Umarth Torturer: Nazgl Avenger Bouncer and all-around handyman: Rusty Axe Banba Alkavarwen 01Sep/2004 Alkavarwen entered the bar, noticing immediately how quiet it was, too quiet. Save for the pub staff, she was the only one there. She sighed to herself and walked over to the bar, her black boots sounding in the empty room. She took a seat at the bar and took down her hood, untucking her dark hair from inside her cloak. She considered for about a second and then said to the bartender "Orquilla sunset if you dont mind", resting her elbow on the bar and her chin on her hand, she waited, her eyes occasionally wandering around the pub....Alkavarwen watched Tyranus mix her drink...usually, its a good place to meet loadsa people. Not to mention getcha hands on some serious drinks." She had hoped to run into an old friend here, but she had not seen him in a while, and was beginning to wonder whether he had been eaten by something, or someone. She sighed again and downed her orquilla sunset, looks like shed just be drinking lots tonight, not that that was a complaint. She had spent many a night drinking, it was quite sad really. Cont. page 22
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Moriel 01/Sep/2004 Polgara walks into the pub, very thirsty after the climb up the slopes of Mount Doom. She sits down at the bar next to Alkavarwen and scans the drink list. Then she turns to Tyranus. "I think a Screaming Wringwraith will suit me today, if you please, my dear minion." she said, and waited for her drink. Rohanna 01/Sep/2004 Upon opening the door, she saw Umarth lazing about, as was the wont of all minions it seemed. Throwing knives Umarth dear? Such lazy torture methods will not help you keep your body buff now will they? Now, if you can find the time, would you please go out to the pub and fetch a little Gondorian wench by the name of LadyPolgara? She seems to like to break the rules, and you know me, I live for rules. marth 01/Sep/2004 Chuckling softly Umarth casts a final glance at the man shackled to the wall writhing in pain. Lazy, Roh? I was simply working on my accuracy. ...Moving into main room of the pub he immediately picks out the lone Gondorian maiden. Swiftly moving to her side he lays a single hand on her shoulder, considering for a moment simply crushing the bone and cartilage. Breathing deep the atmosphere he waits for a moment in silence before speaking. Polgara. The thin rapier catching his eye he ignores the weapon as he thrusts the young woman towards the torture chambers. Dragging her to her feet as she stumbles into the room he deftly shackles her to the wall next to the bloodied carcass of a man of the white city, leaving only her right arm free...Feeling the heat of the blood fills his chest. He draws back looking over the two pronounced punctures connected by a thin laceration. Chuckling softly, he moves back to the table, and retrieving a small vial he casts the contents onto the wound. A chemical mixture of salt and alcohol, made to clean wounds but cause a pain equaled only by the branding of flesh. Moving to take a seat he lets his eyes shut. NA will have his turn, than you will go. Feel thankful I have a love of beauty and would preserve your face, for I cannot say the same for my assistant... Agarthoron 02/Sep/2004 From the shadows a figure emerged, his eyes ablaze and a stern look upon his face.... Giving a slight nod to Umarth, NA takes the rapier from his hand...Walking over to the Gondorian with the weapon in hand he speaks, "Thou hast nothing to say? Why surely, you could think of some pathetic excuse or plead for your vary life; however, I am in a foul mood and my friend Umarth has made me thirsty. and given me an idea." Here a smile comes across the pale visage and his lips curl back, revealing his white fangs. The red glow in his eyes turns white as he gazes upon her throat for the right spot to sink his teeth in. After a few seconds, he draws his fangs out and then roughly grabs her right arm and carves the words Pain Is Ecstacy using her rapier to perform this action. Then he grabs her and places her in front of the mirror. "Let this be a lesson to you. Now get thee gone from my sight once your strength returns or I shall string you up for public display in the main room of the pub!" Cont. page 23
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Moriel 02/Sep/2004 Not pleased. Of course. Thats my job, to aggravate you as much as I possibly can. Polgara thought as NA approached her. No, I really dont have anything to say. Why would I say anything to you? Thirsty, are you? I must get another of the Wringwraiths when I get out of here...Oh boy, more fangs. How fun. Pol shut her eyes lightly as NA tilted her head to the side...Pol went tense as his teeth first touched her skin. She exhaled slowly as they sank in further. Then he withdrew and she felt the blood draining out of her. She had felt pain before, but this was so extreme...Pol barely even felt it as NA slashed the words into her arm. She sat in front of the mirror for awhile, trying to stay conscious. She reached down and tore a strip from the bottom of her pants and pressed it to the wound on her neck. NA had told her to get herself gone, and so she would. She staggered out into the main pub room and sat back down at the bar. "Tyranus" she said with an effort. "Do you suppose you could draw me up another drink? I need one at the moment. Then maybe we can continue our lovely conversation." Ah well, it seems as though the Dark Lord kept track of everything... this could take quite some time to go through. This might just have to become a series and I will have to charge even greater fees. For now though, Ive run out of parchment to keep notes on, so I will have to end this endeavor by reading to you one last crumpled sheet, something entitled Minion bios. The parchment is dry with age and the ink is now almost illegible, but wait there appears to be one still barely legible ... Narv? Narvi? I think maybe...

22/Jul/2004 The Unauthorized Autobiography of Life. Of Narv. Reality I count myself very fortunate. In fact, I believe I may just be the luckiest person youll ever meet. For I, and an elite group of 6,377,641,742 other human beings, am currently alive. At least, I suspect I am, based on the evidence that I can do all the things regular living beings do: I can breathe, speak, and walk through brick walls. However, I wasnt always this alive. It all began on a cold January day (in the only palendromic year in the 20th century.. figure that one out and Ill give you a dollar), just days after the New Year. Little conical hats were still being worn, and celebrators were still nursing their poor heads, but I was aware of none of it. I still dont have a clue. But nevertheless, Ive clawed my way through life, and surprisingly, there is nothing at all of interest to tell you. I still live in the country of my birth, Canada, where the deer eat the grass off my lawn and the bears eat the juicy juicy apples off the tree in my back yard. I fell face-first into this website one day, and things have, well, stayed almost exactly the same. Wasnt this a nice waste of your time to read? Cont. page 24

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Lugbrz Legends

1 March 2014

Plaza It was a wind-blown October day, no, that cant be right. February? Some day that wasnt quite summer and wasnt quite winter. Well compromise. It was a wind-blown day in Octrebuary, when a Troll by the name of Narvi showed up in Mordor, full of rage and idiocy. After making a fool of himself several times over, the beast fell in with a gang of fellow Trolls, and his life immediately took a turn. He journeyed far into the depths of Rhun with such companions as Mandallah, Raven, Mauwurz, and even a non-troll by the name of Winddancer. Over time, these fellow travelers grew to great heights, half of them becoming ruthless Rulers of the kingdom of Mordor, and all gaining great respect. All save for Narvi, who faded into the abyss, him forgotten by all, and all were forgotten by him. Until one day, he came back. Except, we was no longer an oaf of a troll, but now, an oaf of a Warg Rider instead, with a heart of iron and a brain of soft mush. But over time, this Warg Rider learned his way around Mordor, discovering even that he had long-lost family! The son of Yavanna and Morgoth, he was, and this knowledge gave him a new confidence, as he soon enough became the terrifying figure of Khamul, the Shadow of the East. And that is where he sits, now, in Dol Goldur (in a Lawn Chair, in fact), imagining all the new heights he will reach, in the future....

Celebrations in the Dark of Night - February

Plazaversaries Arteris Feb 19, 2002 Nienna Feb 28, 2002

Birthdays Nessila Feb 12 Moriel Feb 24

Rulerversary Pele Alarion Feb 26 - 3 Years as Faramir!

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Credits
GRaBT Staff
Editors in Chief Moriel Globmd
Silendra Horrorscopes Rohanna Tormenting Interviews, Lugbrz Legends Moriel Yris Yens, Template/Formatting Globmd Weather, Minion on the Street

Contributors
Alkavarwen You Might Be A Minion Baingl Randr, Rohanna, Alkavarwen