Lavender Sky Sometimes I wish I could live on the moon.

Here on earth, we cant see the stars in the day. We have to wait for them. We are always waiting. Letting things pass us by. The sun overtakes the stars doesnt let them glow. I think the sun is a bit overrated, if it needs to overshadow all the brilliant little stars. Sometimes, I think the moon is the luckiest of us all. It sees the stars day and night. When I take the time to look at the constellations, I feel as distant as the stars between them. And I feel infinitely smaller than the tiniest part of them. Theyre always changing, but imperceptibly. I once looked at the stars sideways, when I went to the park with a friend. Everything looked the same but also completely different. I wonder if in life, a simple change might make a difference.

Bright sunshine warms my back as I walk down the steaming sidewalk. There are many small houses, all burnt orange-colored with little decorations in the front yard like birdbaths or flags. The neighborhood is very ordinary, very uniform, and I dont fit in at all. It is the summer of 2014. I look down the street, watching a boy in a red shirt teetering on the sidewalk, helping his sister get out of their toy car. Hes eight now, and one of his front teeth is missing. The little girl has curly dark hair like her mother and rosy cheeks. She screams with delight as the little golden retriever licks her face. I walk up to them and smile. I say Hello, but they do not know who I am. So, as I trot up the steps to the red-brown door, designed with a moon and a howling coyote, I begin to wonder why exactly it is that I am here. I ring the bell and wait as footsteps arrive in front of me, behind a thick wall of metal, about to open the door. And it hits me so quickly, I feel as if I cannot breathe. This is my life now. This is his life now.

It is late May in 2013, the beginning of a hot summer in Arizona, and I am wearing a cape. Well, its not exactly a cape, but a graduation gown. My eyes look a very dull grey against the bright blue fabric, but my skin does not look nearly as pale as I thought it would. Freckles peek out from a heavy layer of makeup. I have even straightened my hair for the occasion, though it looks just as it always does.

I feel a bubbling in my stomach, more than nervousness. I sit down on the stairs, my usual eavesdropping spot. I just cant right now. My Dad is talking to someone down the hall in a hushed voice. Naturally, I quietly walk over to investigate. This is not the time. It is May 18th Lily. I told you that I would be busy today! I think I know. I just dont really want to say it, because then it will become reality. My face feels heavy with makeup and I want to stay here and take it off and swim in the pool. But I have something to do, and this is the one high school event that I should not miss. Cant you call someone else? He booms, though his normal voice is almost as loud as his yell. My Mom and Dad will be signing the divorce papers any day now. Since April, Dad has been living in Phoenix, south of Scottsdale. Im sorry. Of course. Yes, I realize that this- this meeting is important. He puts his hand to his head, a sign of thought, though not deep thought. My Dad isnt the deep thinking type. Ill be there if I can. I can feel the anger bubbling inside me already, like lava ready to erupt from my vocal cords. My throat is already preparing to yell, almost conditioned to it. But I wont. Today will be fine. Because it is my graduation day. And for once, things wont go awry. I turn the corner and smack right into him. His face contorts into surprise and then a frown. Ill have to call you later. A woman is still talking, very upset, as he hangs up. He finally addresses me. Hi, honey. You look great. Is your mother ready? My dads eyes flash with anger and his mouth twitches when he speaks of my mother. The feeling is mutual between them. Ill go check. Who was that? Oh, just a friend. You remember Lily, dont you? I introduced you two on that hike a month ago. You said she seemed nice, didnt you? Well, yeah. But why were you talking to her? I frown a little. My legs feel as if they are about to buckle. Planning some hikes together. Were great friends. He smiles broadly, as if everything is perfectly okay. Yeah, thats really great. Listen, Dad, if I ask you to do something for me tonight, will you promise not to get mad?

What was that honey? I have to find these goddamn keys. Im always losing them. He chuckles a bit. Can you not, well, do what you always do? He refuses to look at me. What is that supposed to mean? Well, its just that you always get in a fight with mom, or leave, or spoil the moment. I just need you to promise that you will try, for me. He looks angry, like he has a million things to say to this, but cant. Go get your mother. Dont ruin the day. Its stressful for all of us. Now, he turns, with a composed and calm face. Go on and get your mother, or we will be late. I am used to a reaction like this. Still, there is a chance that I got through to him, that maybe he will listen. I climb the stairs of the house that will no longer be ours in a month. It will be rented to another family, one that might be happy and loving and whole. I touch a lone photograph, making sure its really there, on the wall, of my mother and I laughing, both of us with glossy dark hair. We look so alike there, and so happy. I am holding a little stuffed horse, as black as velvet, and have on an ugly dress that only a mother could love. I walk into the next room where my mother is splayed out on the bed, ready but not really ready at all. Mom. Are you ready? She is lying on the bed, as she does a lot these days. Tomorrow she will have to go back to work, and she knows that the money is going to be even tighter by next month. Work only reminds her of the bad situation. Id say shes depressed, but I think that anyone would be if they were in her shoes right now. Oh, yeah. Did you have lunch? Are you hungry? I can make you a grilled cheese. Youre wearing the dress that I suggested, arent you? And that pink lipstick? I had a yogurt earlier. I dont want to throw up from too much food. I pause. I shouldnt have said that, maybe. Yeah, of course, Mom. Just like you wanted. Youre always right about these things. She smiles, delicate lines in her face fading into her tan complexion. She is wearing a suit, with a bright flowery shirt beneath. Beautiful, as always, but there is sadness in every movement she makes, every facial expression. I wonder if I look like that, like a window, from the outside looking in. I sure hope not, because I dont ever want to look as horrible as I feel.

We walk outside into the heat of a frying pan, and I quickly pull open the door to my mothers silver car. Im sitting in the front.

Throughout the time we leave to when we arrive at the church, the car is silent. Only the mellow tunes of my playlist lighten up the atmosphere, so electrified by resentment. I wonder how much of that resentment stems from me. We walk to the place where the line starts, my heels wobbling along the sidewalk, looking like a very uncoordinated giraffe. Melina Stelmy taps my shoulder, a smug look on her face. She is dressed in a tight navy dress with white strappy heels. Loads of makeup masks her face. I heard you got into the top five percent. Thats so great. She touches her medal, which says Salutatorian. Wow, Salutatorian, huh? I point to her badge of honor. Oh, yeah. I just got the call a few days ago. It was almost a tie between Remy and I. She clenches her teeth and spits out, Im so happy for her, being valedictorian and all. After all, salutatorian is still so, so prestigious. I still cant believe it. The look on her face says she does believe it, and more. With this said, she flips her silky brown hair and attempts to balance on the stilt-like heels. Its too bad, really, how close it was. Being remembered as second, when you could have been valedictorian. A shame, really. But you tried really hard! Props to you for wearing that badge so proudly. She scowls and says Thanks, flipping her hair yet again and stumbling over to her boyfriend, the quarterback. A flask is clearly sticking out from his jacket, and Im wondering if he realizes this. Not that Im going to tell him. I mean, hed probably ignore me anyway, like everyone else does. Wow, I hate high school.

I enter the backstage room, where all of my class is walking around sweating, looking like a school of deep blue minnows. Dani! How are things going? I heard your Dad just got promoted! A girl with five different cords hops down a step to reach me. Megan Flanders. Gosh, isnt everything just falling into place so, so nicely? Im really, really excited and nervous about the ceremony. Yeah, everything really, really is. If you add an extra really into your sentence, Megan will probably leave you alone more quickly. Fool her into thinking youre a ray of sunshine and youre golden. Do the opposite, and you might as well call her your new therapist. She goes on for five minutes about her cords, each one and its origin, before Briar steps in.

Briar has been my friend for some time, ever since Ms. Mulberry made us lab partners in Biology. At first, I didnt want to like him. He just wasnt the type of person that I thought I would befriend. With bouncy curls and a wide smile, along with his position on the soccer team, I figured he was just as dry and unexciting as most of his posse was. But he surprised me. On the fourth or fifth day, he asked me if I wouldnt mind experimenting with the amoeba. We had a blast adding all sorts of things to the slides, like Gatorade or ink. The amoeba was tougher than we thought. And so it was decided by the amoeba that Briar and I were friends. Meggy! Ryan Gaston is looking for you. Says he needs to tell you something. Did he really? Oh oh Ive- Ive got to go, Dani. Lots of duties. You know. She looks like a giggly little girl, primping her hair. I turn to face Briar as Megan goes to find her crush of the past four years. You shouldnt do that to the girl. Shes determined to win him over. Hell hate you for that. Megan might have him meeting her parents by tonight. I never cared much for that dude. Not a very good player. He smirks and grabs my cords to examine them. Whats this rainbow one for? National Art Honor Society, of course. I beam at my cords proudly, thinking of how they represent the end of high school in a pretty, neat package. I just get this lame button. Ive never even been a boy scout. He frowns as he shows off his soccer pin, a small shiny thing on his navy robes. But it shows how much youve accomplished during the best years of our lives! I shout sarcastically, earning me a look from about ten people around me. Cheers! I could use an ice cold beer right about now as in a whole keg. Briar takes my hand and leads me into a smaller room down the hallway, looking behind his back the whole way. The teams decided wed earned a good time plus, its basically our senior prank, isnt it? He states proudly, as I look upon an enormous keg tucked behind some expensive-looking instruments. Even the band didnt mind He gets me a plastic water bottle and fills it up. Wow, genius. Plastic water bottles. Theyll never guess. Not even when Austin Geyn starts going crazy. But we both know the staff never notices anything. I slip out my purse from under my chair and take out my bottle. He gets himself a drink and we make a toast. To fucking up the end of high school and the beginning of the rest of our lives.

To fucking up! He says. I look at him with dazed eyes. Congratulations, youve upgraded from secrecy to flatout lies, being a high school graduate and all. Time to grow up! I stand up. You know, I have this pain in my ass and I couldnt figure out what it was until today. Its called life. Its called growing up and becoming a part of the system. Its called giving up any semblance of a soul you might have ever had. He looks at me with worry in his eyes and doesnt say anything for a while. Do you remember the night we met up to play basketball? Of course. My mom thought Id died. I cant believe we fell asleep on that cold basketball court. It was the stars that did us in. I miss that. I know. Me too. Do you think that well ever make sense of it all? I mean, we look at the stars from all different directions and they look the same. But here, everything is so close that we look different from any angle. He laughs and looks at me with a goofy smile. No. Thats the fun of it. You dont figure it out. You search and search for meaning that isnt there. We looked at the stars sideways all night, and they were the same. Thats just it though, isnt it? Of course, we think theyre the same. Were too far away to see it differently. Like we see life as open and wide right now, but as we grow up, we see it in all these new ways. What if we get stuck? What happens then? I dont know. I wonder if hes right. If we can get stuck. If we can stop growing up. As I walk around the halls, I begin to feel a bit dizzy as it sets in. Most of the students are getting more and more drunk by the minute. Mr. Philips is having a hard time containing Austin and his friends. They keep shouting, I did it! And Philips keeps shouting in confusion, Who did it? What did they do? Dont tell your parents! I turn to Briar. What about Anna? He looks a bit upset. Broke up. Told her it wouldnt work since were going to different schools. I mean, I dont care much, to be honest. But she was pretty mad. I mean, she hit me. She hit you? I say between fits of laughter.

Yeah. With a ruler. I have to admit, it kind of hurt, a lot. But whos she kidding? She wants a husband, not a long-distance boyfriend. Sick, if you ask me. Shes been planning her wedding since elementary school! Our school is full of bright futures. Cheers to that. He says with another swig as we walk out to the backstage area. The ceremony has already started and we are missing the salutatorian speech not that there is much to miss.

Isnt that your dad? Briar points to him, a few rows back on the second floor, cheering for me as they call my name. He turns to me now, with a bright smile, Its your time to shine, Dani. I walk out to the stand, bright lights nearly blinding me. I smile and say Thank you to the principal and other important peoples through clenched teeth and walk on. Briar is close behind me. No, I dont know him. I reply. Really? I could have sworn that was your Dad. He has a blue shirt on, doesnt he? He scans the crowd again. Hey where did he go? I could have sworn I just saw him. No, Im telling you, my dad isnt here. I look up to the place where my family sits. And Briar is right; my Dad isnt there. Hes not here? Why isnt he at your graduation? My whole family is here. No really, as in my great aunt flew in yesterday. A bit ridiculous, if you ask me. But all the same, were getting a cake after! You should come, it would be easier to handle if you were there. Hes got a whole other life. Work, I mean. I take a deep breath. I would go with you, but I have some affairs of my own to deal with. I say with a tight smile, and then Briar gives up, turning to talk to Scott Myler, the goalie of the soccer team.

The ceremony takes forever as nearly a thousand kids are called upon to walk up and claim their fake diploma. The real ones are going to be sent to us in the upcoming weeks. I hate that. Why bother with everything then? Finally, it concludes. A swarm of blue rushes to the very few doors in the back. I manage to slip out the side and find a shock of dark hair amongst the crowd. Mom! I yell, but she doesnt see me. Mom! Shes on the phone.

I just dont understand. You ran up all of this debt, for what? Its not my problem! You made the account privately, so you can deal with it privately. Its not my problem that you dont want to be around me. Believe me, the feeling is mutual. Well, you cant just abandon your daughter during her graduation Mom! She finally hangs up, looking a bit ruffled. I can feel the heat rushing to my face. Mom, please. Not here. Right, Im sorry. He left. She looks very tired now. Its all right. I dont expect anything from him. I put a hand on her shoulder, but immediately let it fall. We dont do that in my family. We dont really comfort each other. We joke about it and yell about it and fight it until it goes away. We never accept things. Look, I know. Okay. I know. We could go and get ice cream, like we did for my eighth grade graduation. She smiles reluctantly, tightly as she leads me to the car. Everything is rushed, and I think she knows that I am a bit drunk. If she does, nothing is said about it. She ignores it. I ignore the elephant. And so, everything is as usual. Stagnant. Unchanging. But always evolving.

The door opens and a woman smiles at me. You must be Dani! Come in. Have you met your brother and sister? She says, averting her eyes from me. Justin! Anna! I want you to play inside now! We have a guest. Actually, this will be a quick visit. I Im not ready for that. Theyre only kids they wont understand it anyway, I say. I want to get out of here as quickly as possible. I feel like Im seeing ghosts of a past I never had. As I walk in the door, I have a sudden thought that I dont want a terracotta pot next to my front door, or pictures hanging in a neat line along the wall, or a glass dining room table. That I dont want an image of perfection but rather a reality of imperfection. I want to shout out Why do you have to put up a wall in your own home? But the neighbors dont know me and this family doesnt know me, and nobody really cares. Your father is in his office working on his newest chapter. Im so proud of him. Are you? Thats nice. Ill just go and see my father, then. I turn away from her, letting the tense smile drop from my face. The hall is quite long, covered with pictures that the children drew. There are pictures of my father, his wife, his children but none of me. I dont exist here. Hes sitting at his desk, writing. He doesnt notice Im here. Dad, can we talk? Dani! Yeah, whats going on? Do you need something? Yeah, I need to tell you something important. Ive been wanting to say this for a long time. I have a lot going on right now, can it be quick? A million words come to my mind that might never begin to explain what I want to say, but I dont speak.

He looks at me, exasperated. Dani, you obviously have some growing up to do, he says. If you dont have anything to say, then maybe you should go. I look at him, confused as to how he couldnt see the way he pushed me away like I dont belong. As if I dont feel uncomfortable enough in a house with my two half-siblings that I didnt know existed for years. I say the only thing that comes to mind. Like you always do? He looks at me with a blank expression. Like he might ask what that means, but he thinks better of it. I feel the tears, fighting their way through my tough exterior, like a fractured dam. ****** I break out into a run, flying down the streets, wanting to find home. But I dont know where home is anymore. Is it back by the sea, across the land, where the blue melts into light and childhood is like falling onto a cloud? Is it beyond this orangey-pink sunset, north of the home of saguaro? Or is it simply inside of me, right here? If it is inside of me, then I think that maybe the world is a much crueler place than I ever thought it was. I run until my legs break down, and I am panting and night is falling quickly. I lie on the cold, smooth basketball court in the park. I think maybe if I rest here for a little bit, then I will calm down and then I can go home. I dont want my mom to see me so upset. I lie for a long time, tracing constellations in the night sky, sideways. Everything looks so different, more challenging, when I look at it sideways. Hey! Dani! Briar yells, tackling me. I never thought Id see you here again. Dont you live like six miles from here now? Yeah. Down the road, a bit. I say, rubbing my knees. Swings? You know me too well. I jump up and head toward the swings.

Hey are you working at Myles Diner this summer in Old Town? I say, taking a running jump at the swing, hurtling upward toward a lavender sky. Of course! How about you?

Yeah, I am. Im glad were working together. Some things dont change, I say, taking a leap up towards the sky. Promise me that we wont change. We wont become our parents or make the same mistakes over and over again. He stands and puts his hand to his chest. I swear upon the grave of this basketball court that I will not change. I shall not age, for I will find the elixir of life. I laugh loudly, like its a new feeling. A smile breaks across his face and he gives me a hand up. Come back to my house. We have cake! Its your favorite too. I laugh again, this time with more feeling. You always have cake! I wont deny that statement. I guess youre right. Some things dont change. Look at all of the stars. I smile up at the bright lights. You know, I figured it out. We dont stop growing up. We just dont realize how much we change second to second. He smiles at me, like he knew the answer the whole time. We walk into dark, laughs fading, with the insects chirping and coyotes howling and a bright yellow moon hanging overhead. The stars look like holes in the sky, bright light from behind the navy curtain. I want to believe that there is something out there worth fighting for, that things may not be perfect, but we can be happy with a swing and stars. I want to know that things will be okay, and I think that okay can most certainly start with a walk at night with a person that knows me in a way I will never know myself. I look up and see the way that the stars are moving, always moving, but I dont really see them at all. I see the whole picture, the way that the distance doesnt matter from here. The stars look brighter tonight, closer even. And I look up at a million choices, feeling like years have passed since the night we first came here, swinging toward the sky, while staring at stars sideways.