4 Things You Don’t Know About Irritable Male

Syndrome That Could Save Your Relationship

Chapter 3 from the book, Mr. Mean: Saving Yourself and Rescuing
Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome

By Jed Diamond, Ph.D.

Contact: Jed@MenAlive.com www.MenAlive.com

Other chapters on Scribd:

Chapter 1: My Man Has Changed from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean: What
is Going on?

http://www.scribd.com/doc/19471429/Mr-Mean-Save-Yourself-
Rescue-Your-Relationship

Chapter 2: 5 Little Known Secrets for Saving Yourself From an

Abusive Relationship

http://www.scribd.com/doc/20167146/5-Little-Known-Secrets-for-
Saving-Yourself-From-an-Abusive-Relationship

Dear Dr. Diamond,

My fiancé recently broke off our engagement, of just short of a

year, because she said I had changed. She stated that no matter

what she said I would "bite her head off", that I was no longer
showing her affection, that she felt she had to "walk on eggshells"

around me, and that I became very distant and unemotional.

A random stranger overheard me talking to one of my friends

about my situation and mentioned Irritable Male Syndrome, so I went

to the bookstore and decided to purchase the book. I had never

heard of IMS, but now a lot of what’s been going on with me makes

sense. I feel real hope now that I can repair the damage to our

relationship. Thank you. Josh.

The Irritable Male Syndrome Story

In order to get a clear understanding of IMS it helps to know the

story. When writing my book, Male Menopause, I discovered how

significant hormonal changes were in the lives of these men. Though

mid-life men are still reluctant to recognize how much of their lives

are influenced by hormonal shifts, women immediately “got it.” “I

knew there was something ‘hormonal’ about his behavior,” many

women told me in talking about their mates. Now, a lot of his

behavior makes sense.”

Another thing that became evident was how similar mid-life male

changes were to the changes that young men go through between 15

and 25 as they make the transition from childhood to adulthood. Both

groups of males are experiencing significant hormonal changes.

Both groups went through marked emotional ups and downs. Both

were sorting out and dealing with developing a new identity. And

both were dealing with significant sexual changes.

I saw much stress these men were under, much of it beyond and

outside their awareness. They expressed their stress in different

ways. Some drank, others became depressed. Some became

aggressive, others withdrew and hid. Some had heart attacks, others

had nervous breakdowns.

I found that men going through andropause were expressing a

constellation of feelings and behaviors that seemed to express

different aspects and intensities of “irritability.” These included such

things as: hypersensitivity, impatience, anger, blame, defensiveness,

arguing, sullenness, silence, and withdrawal. Further these men

went from being nice and considerate to being mean and destructive

seemingly overnight. They could also go back and forth between

acting loving and hateful time and time again.

In early 2002, a colleague sent me a copy of an article by Dr.

Gerald A. Lincoln, a researcher in Edinburgh, Scotland. He titled the

paper, the irritable male syndrome, and described what he observed

in the animals following the withdrawal of testosterone. He found that

when the animals had low testosterone, they became irritable and

tried to bite researchers and other animals. After working with male

rams and reindeer, he speculated that “irritable male syndrome” may

be a problem for all male mammals and wondered whether it might

hold true for human beings as well as other animals.

Based on my research on male menopause, I thought humans

were more complex than other mammals, but we might suffer from

the same syndrome. I decided I needed to talk to Dr. Lincoln directly

and review his research. My wife, Carlin, and I arranged the trip to

Edinburgh and met Dr. Lincoln and his family. We visited his

research facility, and watched the animals become edgy, ill-

tempered, and irritable when their testosterone was lowered. I came

away convinced that irritable male syndrome was real and needed to

be studied in humans.

What Exactly Is Irritable Male Syndrome?

After studying IMS for nearly 10 year now, I have a pretty clear

picture of what we are dealing with. Here’s how I define Irritable Male

Syndrome:
 A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that

occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes,

hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.

The medical community is notoriously slow in recognizing new

problems. A few pioneering practitioners, however, are beginning to

understand IMS. “IMS is incredibly common—up to 30 percent of

men experience it,” says Chrisopher Steidle, M.D., clinical associate

professor of urology at the Indiana University School of Medicine.

“This is a male version of PMS, or premenstrual syndrome.”

In this chapter we’ll examine the core symptoms of IMS. In the

next chapter we’ll look at the four key causes of IMS, including

biochemical changes in brain chemistry, hormonal fluctuations, and

loss of male identity. Working with males (and those who live with

them) that are experiencing IMS, I have found there are four core

symptoms that underlie many others.

The first is hypersensitivity. The women who live these men

say things like

the following:

• I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells when I’m around him.

• I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him

off.

• He’s like time bomb ready to explode but I never know when.

• Nothing I do pleases him.

• Whenever I try and do nice things, he pushes me away.

• He’ll change in an eye-blink. One minute he’s warm and

friendly. The next he’s cold and mean.

The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity.

Rather their perception is that they are fine but everyone else is

going out of their way to irritate them. The guys say things like:

• Quit bothering me.

• Leave me alone.

• No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.

• The kids always….Fill in the blank. It’s usually something

negative.

• You never…. Fill in the blank, i.e. want sex, do what I want to

do, do something with your life, think before you open your

mouth, do things the right way.

• You damn….Fill in the blank….fool, bitch, etc. As IMS

progresses the words get more hurtful.

 • They don’t say anything. They increasingly withdraw into a

numbing silence.

One concept I have found helpful is the notion that many of us are

“emotionally sunburned,” but others don’t know it. We might think of

a man who is extremely sunburned and gets a loving hug from his

wife. He cries out in anger and pain. He assumes she knows he’s

sunburned so if she “grabs” him she must be trying to hurt him. She

has no idea he is sunburned and can’t understand why he reacts

angrily to her loving touch. You can see how this can lead a couple

down a road of escalating confusion.

The second core emotion is anxiety.

Anxiety is a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear

resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized

threatening event or situation. IMS men live in constant worry and

fear. There are many real threats that they are dealing with in their

lives—sexual changes, job insecurities, relationship problems.

There are also many uncertainties that lead men to ruminate and

fantasize about future problems.

 The third core emotion is frustration.

IMS men feel blocked in attaining what they want and need in life.

They often don’t even know what they need. When they do know,

they often feel there’s no way they can get it. They often feel

defeated in the things they try and do to improve their lives. The men

feel frustrated in their relationships with family, friends, and on the

job. The world is changing and they don’t know where, how, or if they

fit in.

Author Susan Faludi captures this frustration in her book Stiffed:

The Betrayal of the American Man. The frustration is expressed in

the question that is at the center of her study of American males. “If,

as men are so often told, they are the dominant sex, why do so many

of them feel dominated, done in by the world?” The frustration, that is

often hidden and unrecognized, is a key element of IMS.

The forth core emotion is anger.

Anger can be simply defined as a strong feeling of displeasure or

hostility. Yet anger is a complex emotion. Outwardly expressed it

can lead to aggression and violence. When it is turned inward it can

lead to depression and suicide. Anger can be direct and obvious or it

can be subtle and covert. Anger can be loud or quiet. It can be

expressed as hateful words, hurtful actions, or in stony silence.

For many men, anger is the only emotion they have learned to

express. Growing up male we are taught to avoid anything that is

seen as the least bit feminine. We are taught that men “do” while

women “feel.” As a result men are taught to keep all emotions under

wrap. We cannot show we are hurt, afraid, worried, or panicked. The

only feeling that is sometimes allowed many men is anger. When

men begin going through IMS, it is often anger that is the primary

emotion.

If these symptoms are not addressed adequately they tend to get

worse. Over a period of weeks, months, and years, the pressure

builds up. Often it explodes, seemingly, out of the blue. One day he

seems fine. The next, he’s saying he’s had enough and he wants to

leave. Most women I’ve talked with say they had a feeling that

something wasn’t right, but didn’t have the understanding and the

courage to deal with it directly. Don’t let this happen to you.

Many women suffer indirectly from IMS as they see the man they

love becoming increasingly unhappy, angry, and withdrawn. They

also suffer directly as they increasingly become the target of his

angry and erratic moods. The relationship that they have lovingly

built through the years begins to crumble. This is more than painful.

It is a tragedy.

Other chapters on Scribd can be found as follows:

Chapter 1: My Man Has Changed from Mr. Nice to Mr. Mean: What
is Going on?

http://www.scribd.com/doc/19471429/Mr-Mean-Save-Yourself-
Rescue-Your-Relationship

Chapter 2: 5 Little Known Secrets for Saving Yourself and Rescuing

Yourself from an Abusive Relationship

http://www.scribd.com/doc/20167146/5-Little-Known-Secrets-for-
Saving-Yourself-From-an-Abusive-Relationship

Contact: Jed@MenAlive.com www.MenAlive.com