Vegam, Vegam, Vegam, Vegan, Vegan

Following the recent expenses scandal, the Living Torah has chosen to heed advice from the Living Torah Financial Advisor and has decided to expand the Living Torahs economic horizon by opening up an adverts section.

1,000 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything. Lost Bechira. Last seen before wedding. Lost Mind. Last seen before wedding. Lost Money. Last seen before wedding.

For Sale Automatic Revolving Bimah. Newly Opened!! www.findaheter.com Perfect for Hoshanos and Hakafos. Thousands (Sponsored by K9 Filters) already in circulation in Eretz Yisrael. EXCELLENT Heterim provided, by perfectly For Sale - Parachute, used once, never legitimate Hasmonean Beis Rabbis (Only people with a grade C or better in RS GCSE). opened, small stain. For Sale Collection of illiterate toddlers. HETER FOR going on an aeroplane on Email: Englandfootballteam@wembley.co.uk Shabbos if one does up his seat belt very tightly, it is keilu he is wearing the aeroplane Expensive. so it is Mutar. To Let Recently refurbished, one-bedroom apartment. Modern, luxurious, all amenities, HETER FOR drinking on Purim as Dina satellite TV. Panoramic views. Delightful area DeMalchusa Dina applies so one should with friendly neighbours and residents. Cheap behave like the locals. Therefore one would be rates available. . permitted to drink, drive, burp, drink, throw up, drink, pass out and be admitted to hospiEmail: hmprisons@dartmoor.co.uk tal. For Sale - Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. Newly Opened - Quick, confidential and trouble-free divorce service EasyGet.
Do you have a Kindle? Does it have a small scratch on the back? If yes then its mine you Ganav. Return it immediately. If not, we will hunt you down and find you, whatever it takes.

30th February 1066

This Sunday, Daily Nach will have lapped you for the third time. Email shomrim613@btinternet.com or dial 999 for more info.

Issue: Yes we do have issues Purim In: About now Purim Out: Gosh, that was quick Sof Zman Krias Shema: Long past

Sponsored by K9 Filters

THE fierce Living Torah critics have been blocked toilets. The Chulent will be sent to special
complaining a lot this year so much so that Living Torahs email inbox now has 279 complaints unread emails. Finance minister Yair Lapid complained that, The Living Torah is too narrow-minded and only focuses on stupid things like the Torah and Halacha. Nigel Farage derided the amount of articles written by foreigners such as Udi Ibgui. Therefore, to satisfy these Apikorsim, we have decided to include a news section. Just like all local Jewish newspapers, it will be totally unbiased. disposal units across Stamford Hill known locally as Shtiebelech. Consequently, the London forecast for the upcoming week is heavy fog and people are advised to remain in their homes.

The Golders Green community was shocked this

week after 18 Shadchanim were arrested in a match-fixing scandal. The Shadchanim have denied all allegations.

In sports news, Qatar have been successful in their

bid to host the next Winter Olympics. When asked about Qatars lack of snow and 50 degree climate. A Qatari spokesman responded by branding the questioner a Western infidel and beheading him immediately. His family have been informed.

Our special BBC Middle-East correspondent,

Jeremy Bowen-Haman, has reported that Zionist activists waged bitter war in Shushan killing thousands of innocent civilians. The war was said to be in response to unconfirmed rumours of threats of violence against the Jews. The Jews reportedly alleged with no proof that the new wooden drop-slides constructed by Haman in Shushan Park were in fact gallows. China has already withdrawn its ambassador to Israel (again) in protest (again) at something or other.

Cartoon
Drawn completely by the Chief Editor. No of course we didnt get it from the internet!! (K9 filtered)

Editors:

The lack of editors above explains the standard of quality of this publication Director: Mr L. Zilka Deputy Director: Rabbi D. Meyer

If you think this publication is an excellent Torah sheet with inspiring Divrei Torah and you would like to donate to help with the upkeep of the Living Torah.you need help. Call psychiatrists anonymous now!! Email us at: www.livingtorah.co.uk/

In other Middle-East news, peace in Syria is on the

horizon as the government agree to give up all stockpiles of grade -3 enriched Chulent. The Chulent had already been used twice by the government causing over 800 deaths and 1250

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Living Torah Statistics

0 Hasmonean Beis Rabbis asked. 18 Hasmonean photocopiers broken. 28
Percentage of Amazon rainforest destroyed by

Osama Bin Laden (1957-2011) Muammar Gaddafi (1942-2011) LehavdilBCLC David Moyes (1963-) Complain at your own peril.

A couple of thousand years ago, there was a king who went by the name Achashveirosh and he was up for reelection. As part of his campaign, the good king threw a party in the Bahamas, inviting everyone from the United 127 States of Persia. Queen Vashti, on tour promoting her new book on skincare, could not attend her husbands banquet and citing autocratic rights, the good king had her killed. A new first lady needed to be found, so Achashveirosh held a beauty contest. After months of tireless desperation, the three judge panel headed by the king, being the shallow and superficial man he was, finally fell in love with a young lady named Esther. After their lawyers drew up a pre-nuptial agreement, Achasveirosh held a large banquet on his yacht in the Maldives to celebrate his new found queen. Meanwhile two high ranking civil servants were planning an assassination attempt in Whitehall. A good Samaritan by the name of Mordy Chai overheard their plans and leaked their plot to the papers. Their plot, known in the Persian Press as Palacegate, gained Mordy Chai favour in the eyes of the king. After years of legal deliberation, the two assassins were found to be guilty, and since the jury was not hung, the assassins were instead. Back at the palace, one of the kings top aides, known simply as Haman, had a few ideas of his own. His solution to the re-election was simple; annihilate part of the population, an easy way to get rid of the citizens who were not going to vote for Achasveirosh, and this positive discrimination would boost Achashveiroshs preelection figures in the polls. In order to pick a day for the mass killings, Haman set up a government funded institution, Lotto Shushan.

Living Torah.

Mordy Chai went to the first lady and implored her to take action. Distressed by the situation and unable to fit into her new gown, Queen Esther had no choice but to fast for three days, much to delight of Jewish Weight Watchers groups all over Shushan. Esther was terrified to go before the king, who was engrossed in very important matters of state. Esther invited him and a few select buddies to a gala banquet to be held the next evening. Meanwhile, Queen Esther was mingling with the many socialites, ambassadors and other faceless royalty. Achaschveyirosh, puzzled over how to spell his name, went over to Esther and asked her the reason for the party. Achashveirosh was clueless as to who could have conceived such a clever plan. He immediately e-mailed Esther Who would do such a thing? Esther had the answer to the question sealed in a larger than necessary brown envelope as the party was being televised. After a lengthy commercial break and a brief drumroll, the envelope was ripped open The audience gasped in disbelief as Haman was escorted to centre stage. I dont deserve this, exclaimed a shocked Haman. Seriously, I dont. We need a public vote. Hamans 15 minutes of fame were short lived as he was immediately escorted backstage. Using taxpayers money, he was then brought to a prison in Shrewsbury where he would be forced to listen to all the Lipa songs on his Ipod, until his eventual demise. Achasveirosh then declared that everything Haman owned would become Mordy Chais, including his seaside resort in the Bahamas, his entire Borselino collection, his Dell Laptop and a lifetime supply of Hamentashen. And so it was with these riches that the Jewish people prospered.

93 - Kosherphones 279

hacked

- Unopened emails in the Living Torah email ac-

count inbox.

44,000
penses

Pounds claimed by Chief Editor in

ex-

If all the heavens were parchment, all the trees of the forest were pens and all the waters were ink, we could print 1.7 editions of the Living Torah: (Akdamus (sort of))

Complaints feature

It has recently being brought to our attention that certain members of the Kehilla are not reading the Living Torah. This outrageous practice is Avada Mesirah and is MAMESH OSSUR. . Says Rav Edita, this refers to the commandment of reading the Living Torah all of Friday night and Shabbos day (Baba Maisers 23c). The Rav would also like to point out that using the Living Torah to make a paper aeroplane on Shabbos causes one to be Oiver on all 39 Melachos as it is keilu you are building the Mishkan. Signed

The following recently complained about the Living Reb Shlumiel Puliticks Torah:

Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Ahavas Matzav

Q) Dear Rabbi, Can I please have a Chumrah? I have the Rotzon of Hashem. already perfected all of my Middos (especially PS: The Rebbe has kept this Heter since his marriage to the humility) and would like to take on a gibongous Chumrah Rebbetzen . to demonstrate my total dedication to the Aibishter. What do you recommend? Man with beard (might Mitch Ugener A) Washing and bathing on a daily basis is really something that should be avoided as it causes you to be well groomed and odourless. By taking upon yourself this Chumrah of only washing and bathing once yearly (before Pesach in bleach) you will have much more time in your day to fulfil have been a tramp) Q) Why do we lein some parts of the Megilla in the Eicha tune? Bill Koreh A) Some people are only happy when theyre miserable and on Purim we want to be Mishtateif everyone in the Simcha.. Smiley man at the till of Grodzinskis

Impossibly Hard Riddle to Answer

How many reform Jews does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Shabbat service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.