Sunteți pe pagina 1din 2

Vegam, Vegam, Vegam, Vegan, Vegan

Vegam, Vegam, Vegam, Vegan, Vegan

Following the recent expenses scandal, the Living Torah has chosen to heed advice from the Living Torah Financial Advisor and has decided to expand the Living Torah’s economic horizon by opening up an adverts section.

Bimah.

Perfect for Hoshanos and Hakafos. Thousands already in circulation in Eretz Yisrael.

For

Sale

Automatic

Revolving

For

Sale

-

Parachute,

opened, small stain.

used

once,

never

For

Sale

Collection of illiterate toddlers.

Englandfootballteam@wembley.co.uk

Email:

Expensive.

To Let – Recently refurbished, one-bedroom apartment. Modern, luxurious, all amenities, satellite TV. Panoramic views. Delightful area with friendly neighbours and residents. Cheap

.

rates available. Email: hmprisons@dartmoor.co.uk

Encyclopedia

Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.

For

Sale

-

Complete

set

of

£1,000 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything.

Lost–

Bechira.

Last

seen

before

wedding.

Lost–

Mind.

Last

seen

before

wedding.

Lost– Money. Last seen before wedding.

Newly Opened!! www.findaheter.com (Sponsored by K9 Filters)

EXCELLENT Heterim provided, by perfectly legitimate Hasmonean Beis Rabbis (Only peo- ple with a grade C or better in RS GCSE).

HETER FOR going on an aeroplane on Shabbos – if one does up his seat belt very tightly, it is ke’ilu he is wearing the aeroplane so it is Mutar.

HETER FOR drinking on Purim as Dina DeMalchusa Dina applies so one should behave like the locals. Therefore one would be permitted to drink, drive, burp, drink, throw up, drink, pass out and be admitted to hospi- tal.

Newly

trouble-free divorce service– EasyGet.

Opened

-

Quick,

confidential

and

Do you have a ‘Kindle’? Does it have a small scratch on the back? If yes then its mine you Ganav. Return it immediately. If not, we will hunt you down and find you, whatever it takes.

Editors:

The lack of editors above explains the standard of quality of this publication Director: Mr L. Zilka Deputy Director: Rabbi D. Meyer

If you think this publication is an excellent Torah

sheet with inspiring Divrei Torah and you would

like to donate to help with the upkeep of the Living Torah….you need help. Call psychiatrists anonymous now!!

now!! Email us at: www.livingtorah.co.uk/ paypal.php ד״סב עיעעעלעעעלענעלעעערעמעהע
now!! Email us at: www.livingtorah.co.uk/ paypal.php ד״סב עיעעעלעעעלענעלעעערעמעהע

ד״סב

Email us at: www.livingtorah.co.uk/ paypal.php ד״סב עיעעעלעעעלענעלעעערעמעהע

עיעעעלעעעלענעלעעערעמעהע עעעועהעעע ערע עעעיעלעלעהעלעהעלעעעערעעענעמעיעהענעעעיעעעלעעעלענעלעעערעמעהע עעעועהעעע עמע עיערעעענעיעמעלעהעעעערע עתע ע ע עעעמענעלעלעל

ןמה תשרפ ה“דגבא ג רדא 30th February 1066

This Sunday, Daily Nach will have lapped you for the third time. Email shomrim613@btinternet.com or dial 999 for more info.

Issue: Yes we do have issues Purim In: About now Purim Out: Gosh, that was quick Sof Zman Krias Shema: Long past

Sponsored by K9 Filters

Sponsored by K9 Filters

THE

Torah

complaining a lot this year so much so that Living Torah’s email inbox now has 279 complaints unread emails. Finance minister Yair Lapid complained that, “The Living Torah is too narrow-minded and only focuses on stupid things like ‘the Torah’ and ‘Halacha’.” Nigel Farage derided the amount of articles written by foreigners such as “Udi Ibgui”. Therefore, to satisfy these Apikorsim, we have decided to include a news section. Just like all local Jewish newspapers, it will be totally unbiased.

been

fierce

Living

critics

have

Our special BBC Middle-East correspondent, Jeremy Bowen-Haman, has reported that Zionist activists waged bitter war in Shushan killing thousands of innocent civilians. The war was said to be in response to unconfirmed rumours of threats of violence against the Jews. The Jews reportedly alleged with no proof that the new wooden drop-slides constructed by Haman in Shushan Park were in fact gallows. China has already withdrawn its ambassador to Israel (again) in protest (again) at something or other.

In other Middle-East news, peace in Syria is on the horizon as the government agree to give up all stockpiles of grade-3 enriched Chulent. The Chulent had already been used twice by the government causing over 800 deaths and 1250

blocked toilets. The Chulent will be sent to special disposal units across Stamford Hill known locally as Shtiebelech. Consequently, the London forecast for the upcoming week is heavy fog and people are advised to remain in their homes.

The Golders Green community was shocked this week after 18 Shadchanim were arrested in a match-fixing scandal. The Shadchanim have denied all allegations.

sports news, Qatar have been successful in their

bid to host the next Winter Olympics. When asked about Qatar’s lack of snow and 50 degree climate. A Qatari spokesman responded by branding the questioner a Western infidel and beheading him immediately. His family have been informed.

In

Cartoon Drawn completely by the Chief Editor. No of course we didn’t get it from
Cartoon
Drawn completely by the Chief Editor. No of course
we didn’t get it from the internet!! (K9 filtered)

Ad d’loh Yoda

Ad d’loh Yoda

Living Torah Statistics

0 Hasmonean Beis Rabbis asked.

18 Hasmonean photocopiers broken.

Osama Bin Laden (1957-2011)

Muammar Gaddafi (1942-2011)

Lehavdil’BCLC David Moyes (1963-)

Complain at your own peril.

28 – Percentage of Amazon rainforest destroyed by Living Torah. 93 - Kosherphones hacked 279
28 – Percentage of Amazon rainforest destroyed by
Living Torah.
93 - Kosherphones
hacked
279 - Unopened emails in the Living Torah email ac-
count inbox.
44,000
– Pounds claimed by Chief Editor in
ex-
penses
If all the heavens were parchment, all the trees of the
forest were pens and all the waters were ink, we could
print 1.7 editions of the Living Torah:
(Akdamus (sort of))
It has recently being brought to our attention that
certain members of the Kehilla are not reading the
Living Torah. This outrageous practice is Avada
Mesirah and is MAMESH OSSUR. “ רפֶ סֵ שׁוּמָי אלֹ
“.הלָ ְילַ ָו םמָ וֹי וֹבּ תָ יגִ הָ ְו ךָיפִ מִ הזֶ הַ הרָוֹתּהַ Says Rav
Edita, ‘this refers to the commandment of reading
the Living Torah all of Friday night and Shabbos
day’ (Baba Maisers 23c). The Rav would also like
to point out that using the Living Torah to make a
paper aeroplane on Shabbos causes one to be
Oiver on all 39 Melachos as it is k’eilu you are
building the Mishkan.
Complaints feature
Signed
The following recently complained about the Living
Torah:
Reb Shlumiel Puliticks
Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Ahavas Matzav

Q) Dear Rabbi, Can I please have a Chumrah? I have already perfected all of my Middos (especially humility) and would like to take on a gibongous Chumrah to demonstrate my total dedication to the Aibishter. What do you recommend?

Mitch Ugener

A) Washing and bathing on a daily basis is really something that should be avoided as it causes you to be well groomed and odourless. By taking upon yourself this Chumrah of only washing and bathing once yearly (before Pesach in bleach) you will have much more time in your day to fulfil

the Rotzon of Hashem.

PS: The Rebbe has kept this Heter since his marriage to the Rebbetzen ה‘ע.

Man with beard (might have been a tramp)

Q) Why do we lein some parts of the Megilla in the Eicha

tune?

Bill Koreh

A) Some people are only happy when they’re miserable

and on Purim we want to be Mishtateif everyone in the

Smiley man at the till of Grodzinski’s

Simcha

Nichnas Yayin Yatza Food

Nichnas Yayin Yatza Food

A couple of thousand years ago, there was a king who went by the name Achashveirosh and he was up for re- election. As part of his campaign, the good king threw a party in the Bahamas, inviting everyone from the United 127 States of Persia. Queen Vashti, on tour promoting her new book on skincare, could not attend her hus- band’s banquet and citing autocratic rights, the good king had her killed.

A new first lady needed to be found, so Achashveirosh held a beauty contest. After months of tireless despera- tion, the three judge panel headed by the king, being the shallow and superficial man he was, finally fell in love with a young lady named Esther. After their lawyers drew up a pre-nuptial agreement, Achasveirosh held a large banquet on his yacht in the Maldives to celebrate his new found queen.

Meanwhile two high ranking civil servants were planning an assassination attempt in Whitehall. A good Samaritan by the name of Mordy Chai overheard their plans and leaked their plot to the papers. Their plot, known in the Persian Press as Palacegate, gained Mordy Chai favour in the eyes of the king. After years of legal deliberation, the two assassins were found to be guilty, and since the jury was not hung, the assassins were instead.

Back at the palace, one of the king’s top aides, known simply as Haman, had a few ideas of his own. His solu- tion to the re-election was simple; annihilate part of the population, an easy way to get rid of the citizens who were not going to vote for Achasveirosh, and this posi- tive discrimination would boost Achashveirosh’s pre- election figures in the polls. In order to pick a day for the mass killings, Haman set up a government funded insti- tution, Lotto Shushan.

Mordy Chai went to the first lady and implored her to take action. Distressed by the situation and unable to fit into her new gown, Queen Esther had no choice but to fast for three days, much to delight of Jewish Weight Watchers groups all over Shushan. Esther was terrified to go before the king, who was engrossed in very im- portant matters of state. Esther invited him and a few select buddies to a gala banquet to be held the next evening.

Meanwhile, Queen Esther was mingling with the many socialites, ambassadors and other faceless royalty. Achaschveyirosh, puzzled over how to spell his name, went over to Esther and asked her the reason for the party. Achashveirosh was clueless as to who could have conceived such a clever plan. He immediately e-mailed Esther “Who would do such a thing?” Esther had the answer to the question sealed in a larger than necessary brown envelope as the party was being televised. After a lengthy commercial break and a brief drumroll, the envelope was ripped open… The audience gasped in disbelief as Haman was escorted to centre stage. “I don’t deserve this”, exclaimed a shocked Haman. “Seriously, I don’t. We need a public vote”. Haman’s 15 minutes of fame were short lived as he was immediately escorted backstage. Using taxpayers money, he was then brought to a prison in Shrewsbury where he would be forced to listen to all the Lipa songs on his Ipod, until his eventual demise.

Achasveirosh then declared that everything Haman owned would become Mordy Chai’s, including his sea- side resort in the Bahamas, his entire Borselino collec- tion, his Dell Laptop and a lifetime supply of Hamentash- en. And so it was with these riches that the Jewish peo- ple prospered.

ImpossiblyImpossiblyImpossibly HardHardHard RiddleRiddleRiddle tototo AnswerAnswerAnswer

HowHowHow manymanymany reformreformreform JewsJewsJews doesdoesdoes ititit taketaketake tototo changechangechange aaa lightbulb?lightbulb?lightbulb?

WeWeWe choosechoosechoose notnotnot tototo makemakemake aaa statementstatementstatement eithereithereither ininin favourfavourfavour ofofof ororor againstagainstagainst thethethe needneedneed forforfor aaa lightlightlight bulb.bulb.bulb. However,However,However, ififif ininin youryouryour ownownown journeyjourneyjourney youyouyou havehavehave foundfoundfound thatthatthat aaa lightlightlight bulbbulbbulb worksworksworks forforfor you,you,you, thatthatthat isisis fine.fine.fine. YouYouYou areareare invitedinvitedinvited tototo writewritewrite aaa poempoempoem ororor composecomposecompose aaa modernmodernmodern dancedancedance aboutaboutabout youryouryour personalpersonalpersonal relationshiprelationshiprelationship tototo youryouryour lightlightlight bulbbulbbulb andandand presentpresentpresent ititit nextnextnext monthmonthmonth atatat ourourour annualannualannual lightlightlight bulbbulbbulb ShabbatShabbatShabbat service,service,service, ininin whichwhichwhich wewewe willwillwill exploreexploreexplore aaa numbernumbernumber ofofof lightlightlight bulbbulbbulb traditions,traditions,traditions, includingincludingincluding incandescent,incandescent,incandescent, fluorescent,fluorescent,fluorescent, threethreethree---way,way,way, longlonglong---lived,lived,lived, andandand tinted;tinted;tinted; allallall ofofof whichwhichwhich areareare equallyequallyequally validvalidvalid pathspathspaths tototo luminescence.luminescence.luminescence.