Birmingham-Southern College acquired by Bear Stearns Company

BIRMINGHAM, Ala.Birmingham-Southern College announced today that the entire College was being acquired by global investment bank Bear Stearns. Until its collapse in 2008, Bear Stearns was one of the most respected financial institutions on Wall Street, dealing in unfathomably complex securities and exotic investment instruments. This move is seen by analysts as a bid to improve its tarnished image by contrasting itself with an even more financially challenged institution. We recognize a remarkable similarity in the histories of these two proud institutions, said Alan Schwartz, former executive chairman of Bear Stearns. Mr. Schwartz will assume the mantle of President of the re-branded institution, Bear-Stearns College. Both stumbled in the late economic difficulties due to brave decisions made by visionary leaders, and we look forward to leveraging the mutually creative synergies that make both stand out among their peers. Like Birmingham-Southern College, Bear Stearns had a penchant for taking risks while others were re-entrenching and for embarking on creative accounting techniques to overcome conventional obstacles. However, while Bear Stearns was criticized for maintaining too many illiquid assets in hedge funds, Birmingham-Southern took a complementary approach by investing its endowment in a water park adorned with hedges. Professor of Political Science Natalie Davis expressed her relief. Weve all been hoping for a white knight to provide the solution to our recent difficulties. The name Bear Stearns may not conjure up the upmost confidence regarding wise financial management, but it certainly has a better reputation in that regard than we have recently! Former Secretary of the Treasury Hank Henry Paulson has been tapped as Dean of the newly instituted degree program Master of Creative Arts in Accounting. Officials also unveiled a new undergraduate program offering a Bachelors of Science degree in Bovine Scatology, dedicated to the cultivation and promulgation of techniques honed by both organizations during their recent struggles. Bear-Stearns College will continue to use the same BSC logo for marketing materials and college branded memorabilia. This will save the college literally hundreds of dollars on stationary, said Charles Bailey, former bookstore manager and newly appointed Executive Director of Corporate Outreach Activities. Im really excited about all the new opportunities this brings to the college, said senior history major Alan Bateman. Think of all the Service Learning projects we can develop to help recently displaced workers in the financial services industry cope with their hardships! Some of those people lack even the basic skills needed to order a Venti decaf at Starbucks. Students will not immediately notice any dramatic changes on campus. However, the practice of redeeming sub-par grades will now be referred to as credit default swaps. Student loan packages will be repackaged as collateralized debt obligations with the full backing of the Federally Underwritten Collegiate-based Knowledge Marketing Association (Funkie Mae). ------ Oolon Colluphid, staff writer