The Longest Joke in the World *** Lost in the Desert

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SU in a little !it o" cross#country tra$el, had great "un %ooming o$er the !adlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a !ig rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell &hone towers anywhere near, so his cell &hone was useless. He had no "amily, his &arents had died a "ew years !e"ore in an auto accident, and his "ew "riends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car "or a day or so, !ut his one !ottle o" water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought may!e he knew the direction !ack, now that he'd &aid attention to the sun and thought he'd "igured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He "igured he only had to go a!out '( miles or so and he'd !e !ack to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks a!out walking at night to a$oid the heat and sun, !ut !ased u&on how dark it actually was the night !e"ore, and gi$en that he has no "lashlight, he's a"raid that he'll !reak a leg or ste& on a rattlesnake. So, he &uts on some sun !lock, &uts the rest in his &ocket "or rea&&lication later, !rings an um!rella he'd had in the !ack o" the SU with him to gi$e him a little shade, &ours the windshield wi&er "luid into his water !ottle in case he gets that des&erate, !rings his &ocket kni"e in case he "inds a cactus that looks like it might ha$e water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks "or the entire day. )y the end o" the day he's really thirsty. He's !een sweating all day, and his li&s are starting to crack. He's rea&&lied the sun!lock twice, and tried to stay under the um!rella, !ut he still "eels sun!urned. The windshield wi&er "luid sloshing in the !ottle in his &ocket is really getting tem&ting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, !ut he also knows that they add some kind o" &oison to it to kee& &eo&le "rom drinking it. He wonders what the &oison is, and whether the &oison would !e worse than dying o" thirst.

He &ushes on, trying to get to that small town !e"ore dark.

)y the end o" the day he starts getting worried. He "igures he's !een walking at least ' miles an hour, according to his watch "or o$er *( hours. That means that i" his estimate was right that he should !e close to the town. )ut he doesn't recogni%e any o" this. He had to cross a dry creek !ed a mile or two !ack, and he doesn't remem!er coming through it in the SU . He "igures that may!e he got his direction o"" +ust a little and that the dry creek !ed was +ust o"" to one side o" his &ath. He tells himsel" that he's close, and that a"ter dark he'll start seeing the town lights o$er one o" these hills, and that'll !e all he needs.

,s it gets dim enough that he starts stum!ling o$er small rocks and things, he "inds a s&ot and sits down to wait "or "ull dark and the town lights.

-ull dark comes !e"ore he knows it. He must ha$e do%ed o"". He stands !ack u& and turns all the way around. He sees nothing !ut stars.

He wakes u& the ne.t morning "eeling a!solutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose "eel like they're "ull o" sand. He so thirsty that he can't e$en swallow. He !arely got any slee& !ecause it was so cold. He'd "orgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night !e"ore !ecause he'd !een in his car.

He knows the /ule o" Threes # three minutes without air, three days without water, three

weeks without "ood # then you die. Some &eo&le can make it a little longer, in the !est situations. )ut the desert heat and ha$ing to walk and sweat isn't the !est situation to !e without water. He "igures, unless he "inds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little o" the windshield wi&er "luid. He waits a while a"ter s&itting that little !it out, to see i" his mouth goes num!, or he "eels di%%y or something. Has his mouth gone num!0 1s it +ust in his mind0 He's not sure. He'll go a little "arther, and i" he still doesn't "ind water, he'll try drinking some o" the "luid.

Then he has to "ace his ne.t, harder 2uestion # which way does he go "rom here0 Does he kee& walking the same way he was yesterday 3assuming that he still knows which way that is4, or does he try a new direction0 He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading !e"ore. Just going !y a "eeling, he &oints himsel" somewhat to the le"t o" that, and starts walking.

,s he walks, the day starts heating u&. The desert, too cold +ust a cou&le o" hours !e"ore, soon !ecomes an o$en again. He sweats a little at "irst, and then sto&s. He starts getting worried at that # when you sto& sweating he knows that means you're in trou!le # usually right !e"ore heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wi&er "luid. He can't wait any longer # i" he &asses out, he's dead. He sto&s in the shade o" a large rock, takes the !ottle out, o&ens it, and takes a mouth"ul. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. 1t "eels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't e$en care a!out the nasty taste. He takes another mouth"ul, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks hal" the !ottle. He "igures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some di""erence and kee& himsel" "rom &assing out.

He's 2uit worrying a!out the denaturing o" the wi&er "luid. 1" it kills him, it kills him # i" he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. )esides, he's &retty sure that whate$er su!stance they denature the "luid with is +ust designed to make you sick # their way o" kee&ing winos "rom !uying chea& wi&er "luid "or the ethanol content. He can handle throwing u&, i" it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried !ush. 5o sign o" water. Sometimes he'll see a little mo$ement to one side or the other, !ut whate$er mo$ed is usually gone !e"ore he can "ocus his eyes on it. 6ro!a!ly !irds, li%ards, or mice. 7ay!e snakes, though they usually mo$e more at night. He's care"ul to stay away "rom the mo$ements.

,"ter a while, he !egins to stagger. He's not sure i" it's "atigue, heat stroke "inally catching him, or may!e he was wrong and the denaturing o" the wi&er "luid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himsel", and kee& going.

,"ter more walking, he comes to a large stretch o" sand. This is good8 He knows he &assed o$er a stretch o" sand in the SU # he remem!ers doing donuts in it. 9r at least he thinks he remem!ers it # he's getting woo%y enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remem!ers any more or i" he's hallucinating. )ut he thinks he remem!ers it. So he heads o"" into it, trying to get to the other side, ho&ing that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading "or a town, wasn't he0 He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not e$en sure how long he's !een walking any more. 1s it still morning0 9r has it mo$ed into a"ternoon and the sun is going down again0 1t must !e a"ternoon # it seems like it's !een too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

,"ter a while, he comes to a !ig dune in the sand. This is !ad. He doesn't remem!er any dunes when dri$ing o$er the sand in his SU . 9r at least he doesn't think he remem!ers any. This is !ad.

)ut, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn !ack now. He "igures that he'll get to the to& o" the dune and see i" he can see anything "rom there that hel&s him "ind the town. He kee&s going u& the dune.

Hal"way u&, he sli&s in the !ad "ooting o" the sand "or the second or third time, and "alls to his knees. He doesn't "eel like getting !ack u& # he'll +ust "all down again. So, he kee&s going u& the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, i" his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's "inally gotten to the hackneyed image o" a man lost in the desert # crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. 1" would !e the &er"ect image, he imagines, i" only his clothes were more ragged. The &eo&le crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. )ut his ha$e lasted without any ri&s so "ar. Some!ody will &ro!a!ly "ind his dessicated cor&se hal" !uried in the sand years "rom now, and his clothes will still !e in "ine sha&e # shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd !e weara!le again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He "inally makes it to the to& o" the sand dune. 5ow that he's at the to&, he struggles a little, !ut manages to stand u& and look around. ,ll he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. )ehind him, a!out a mile away, he thinks he

sees the rocky ground he le"t to head into this sand. ,head o" him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he dro$e his SU . This is Hell. 9r close enough.

,gain, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest o" the wi&er "luid while "iguring it out. He takes out the !ottle, and is remo$ing the ca&, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. ,t the !ottom o" the dune, o"" to the side, he sees something strange. 1t's a "lat area, in the sand. He sto&s taking the ca& o" the !ottle o"", and tries to look closer. The area seems to !e circular. ,nd it's dark # darker than the sand. ,nd, there seems to !e something in the middle o" it, !ut he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell "rom here. He's going to ha$e to go down there and look.

He &uts the !ottle !ack in his &ocket, and starts to stum!le down the dune. ,"ter a "ew ste&s, he reali%es that he's in trou!le # he's not going to !e a!le to kee& his !alance. ,"ter a cou&le o" more sliding, tottering ste&s, he "alls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his !ody hits it that "or a minute he thinks he's caught "ire on the way down # like a mo$ie car wreck "lashing into "lames as it goes o$er the cli"", !e"ore it e$er e$en hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, co$ers his "ace with his hands, and waits to sto& rolling.

He sto&s, at the !ottom o" the dune. ,"ter a minute or two, he "inds enough energy to try to sit u& and get the sand out o" his "ace and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark s&ot in the sand it still there and he hadn't +ust imagined it.

So, seeing the large, "lat, dark s&ot on the sand is still there, he !egins to crawl towards it. He'd get u& and walk towards it, !ut he doesn't seem to ha$e the energy to get u& and walk right now. He must !e in the "inal stages o" dehydration he "igures, as he crawls. 1" this &lace in the sand doesn't

ha$e water, he'll likely ne$er make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, !ut still can't see what's in the middle o" the dark area. His eyes won't 2uite "ocus any more "or some reason. ,nd li"ting his head u& to look takes so much e""ort that he gi$es u& trying. He +ust kee&s crawling.

-inally, he reaches the area he'd seen "rom the dune. 1t takes him a minute o" crawling on it !e"ore he reali%es that he's no longer on sand # he's now crawling on some kind o" dark stone. Stone with some kind o" marking on it # a &attern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand u& and try to see what the &attern is # so he +ust kee&s crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his !lurry eyes still see something in the middle o" the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so !urnt !y the sand that they no longer "eel &ain, or that this dark stone, in the middle o" a !urning desert with a &ounding, &unishing sun o$erhead, doesn't seem to !e hot. 1t almost "eels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool sur"ace.

:ool, dark stone. 5ot a good sign. He must !e hallucinating this. He's &ro!a!ly in the middle o" a &atch o" sand, already lying "ace down and dying, and +ust imagining this whole thing. , desert mirage. Soon the !eauti"ul women carrying &itchers o" water will come u& and start gi$ing him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. 1" he's going to die here in the middle o" this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center !e"ore he goes. He kee&s crawling.

1t's the third time that he hears the $oice !e"ore he reali%es what he's hearing. He would swear that someone +ust said, ;<reetings, tra$eler. =ou do not look well. Do you hear me0;

He sto&s crawling. He tries to look u& "rom where he is on his hands and knees, !ut it's too much e""ort to li"t his head. So he tries something di""erent # he leans !ack and tries to sit u& on the stone. ,"ter a "ew seconds, he catches his !alance, a$oids "alling on his "ace, sits u&, and tries to "ocus his eyes. )lurry. He ru!s his eyes with the !ack o" his hands and tries again. )etter this time.

=e&. He can see. He's sitting in the middle o" a large, "lat, dark e.&anse o" stone. Directly ne.t to him, a!out three "eet away, is a white &ost or &ole a!out two inches in diameter and sticking u& a!out "our or "i$e "eet out o" the stone, at an angle.

,nd wra&&ed around this white rod, tail with rattle on it ho$ering and seeming to !e ready to start rattling, is what must !e a "i"teen "oot long desert diamond!ack rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't ha$e the energy to get u& and run away. He doesn't e$en ha$e the energy to crawl away. This is it, his

"inal resting &lace. 5o matter what ha&&ens, he's not going to !e a!le to mo$e "rom this s&ot.

Well, at least dying o" a !ite "rom this monster should !e 2uicker than dying o" thirst. He'll "ace his end like a man. He struggles to sit u& a little straighter. The snake kee&s watching him. He li"ts one hand and wa$es it in the snake's direction, "ee!ly. The snake watches the hand "or a moment, then goes !ack to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. 7ay!e the snake had no interest in !iting him0 1t hadn't rattled yet # that was a good sign. 7ay!e he wasn't going to die o" snake !ite a"ter all.

He then remem!ers that he'd looked u& when he'd reached the center here !ecause he thought he'd heard a $oice. He was still $ery woo%y # he was likely to &ass out soon, the sun still !eat down on him e$en though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't ha$e anything to drink. )ut may!e he had actually heard a $oice. This stone didn't look natural. 5or did that white &ost sticking u& out o" the stone. Someone had to ha$e !uilt this. 7ay!e they were still near!y. 7ay!e that was who talked to him. 7ay!e this snake was e$en their &et, and that's why it wasn't !iting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, ;Hello,; !ut his throat is too dry. ,ll that comes out is a coughing or whee%ing sound. There is no way he's going to !e a!le to talk without something to drink. He "eels his &ocket, and the !ottle with the wi&er "luid is still there. He shakily &ulls the !ottle out, almost losing his !alance and "alling on his !ack in the &rocess. This isn't

good. He doesn't ha$e much time le"t, !y his reckoning, !e"ore he &asses out.

He gets the lid o"" o" the !ottle, manages to get the !ottle to his li&s, and &ours some o" the "luid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat "eels !etter. 7ay!e he can talk now.

He tries again. 1gnoring the snake, he turns to look around him, ho&ing to s&ot the owner o" this &lace, and croaks out, ;Hello0 1s there anyone here0;

He hears, "rom his side, ;<reetings. What is it that you want0;

He turns his head, !ack towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come "rom. The only thing he can think o" is that there must !e a s&eaker, hidden under the snake, or may!e !uilt into that &ost. He decides to try asking "or hel&.

;6lease,; he croaks again, suddenly "eeling di%%y, ;1'd lo$e to not !e thirsty any more. 1'$e !een a long time without water. :an you hel& me0;

Looking in the direction o" the snake, ho&ing to see where the $oice was coming "rom this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear !ack, o&en its mouth, and s&eak. He hears it say, as the di%%iness o$ertakes him and he "alls "orward, "ace "irst on the stone, ; ery well. :oming u&.;

, &iercing &ain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits u& and gra!s his shoulder, wincing at the thro!!ing &ain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remem!ers # the crawl across the sand, the dark area o" stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wra&&ed around the tilted white &ost, still looking at him.

He reaches u& and "eels his shoulder, where it hurts. 1t "eels slightly wet. He &ulls his "ingers away and looks at them # !lood. He "eels his shoulder again # his shirt has what "eels like two holes in it # two &uncture holes # they match u& with the two aching s&ots o" &ain on his shoulder. He had !een !itten. )y the snake.

;1t'll "eel !etter in a minute.; He looks u& # it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices # he's not di%%y any more. ,nd more im&ortantly, he's not thirsty any more # at all8

;Ha$e 1 died0 1s this the a"terli"e0 Why are you !iting me in the a"terli"e0;

;Sorry a!out that, !ut 1 had to !ite you,; says the snake. ;That's the way 1 work. 1t all comes through the !ite. Think o" it as natural medicine.;

;=ou !it me to hel& me0 Why aren't 1 thirsty any more0 Did you gi$e me a drink !e"ore you !it me0 How did 1 drink enough while unconscious to not !e thirsty any more0 1 ha$en't had a drink "or o$er two days. Well, e.ce&t "or the windshield wi&er "luid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk0

,re you real0 ,re you some sort o" Disney animation0;

;5o,; says the snake, ;1'm real. ,s real as you or anyone is, anyway. 1 didn't gi$e you a drink. 1 !it you. That's how it works # it's what 1 do. 1 !ite. 1 don't ha$e hands to gi$e you a drink, e$en i" 1 had water +ust sitting around here.;

The man sat stunned "or a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle o" the desert on some strange stone that should !e hot !ut wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk !ack and had +ust !itten him. ,nd he "elt !etter. 5ot great # he was still star$ing and e.hausted, !ut much !etter # he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, !ut only slightly. He "elt hot, in this sun, !ut it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone !eneath him was a relie" he could notice now that he was no longer dying o" thirst.

;1 might suggest that we take care o" that methanol you now ha$e in your system with the ne.t re2uest,; continued the snake. ;1 can guess why you drank it, !ut 1'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was le"t in the wi&er "luid. That stu"" is nasty. 1t'll make you go !lind in a day or two, i" you drank enough o" it.;

;Ummm, n#ne.t re2uest0; said the man. He &ut his hand !ack on his hurting shoulder and !acked away "rom the snake a little.

;That's the way it works. 1" you like, that is,; e.&lained the snake. ;=ou

get three re2uests. :all them wishes, i" you wish.; The snake grinned at his own +oke, and the man drew !ack a little "urther "rom the show o" "angs.

;)ut there are rules,; the snake continued. ;The "irst re2uest is "ree. The second re2uires an agreement o" secrecy. The third re2uires the !inding o" res&onsi!ility.; The snake looks at the man seriously.

;)y the way,; the snake says suddenly, ;my name is 5athan. 9ld 5athan, Samuel used to call me. He ga$e me the name. )e"ore that, most o" the )ound used to +ust call me 'Snake'. )ut that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand "or it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was !ig into names. =ou can call me 5ate, i" you wish.; ,gain, the snake grinned. ;Sorry i" 1 don't o""er to shake, !ut 1 think you can understand # my shake sounds somewhat threatening.; The snake gi$e his rattle a little shake.

;Umm, my name is Jack,; said the man, trying to a!sor! all o" this. ;Jack Samson.

;:an 1 ask you a 2uestion0; Jack says suddenly. ;What ha&&ened to the &oison...umm, in your !ite. Why aren't 1 dying now0 How did you do that0 What do you mean !y that's how you work0;

;That's more than one 2uestion,; grins 5ate. ;)ut 1'll still try to answer all o" them. -irst, yes, you can ask me a 2uestion.; The snake's grin gets wider. ;Second, the &oison is in you. 1t changed you. =ou now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked "or. 9r, well, technically, you asked to not

!e thirsty any more # !ut 'any more' is such a $ague term. 1 decided to make it &ermanent # now, as long as you li$e, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. =our !ody will conser$e water $ery e""iciently. =ou should !e a!le to get enough +ust "rom the "ood you eat # much like a creature o" the desert. =ou'$e !een changed.

;-or the third 2uestion,; 5ate continues, ;you are still dying. )esides the e""ects o" that methanol in your system, you're a man # and men are mortal. 1n your current state, 1 gi$e you no more than a!out another >( years. ,ssuming you get out o" this desert, ali$e, that is.; 5ate seemed $astly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

;,s "or the "ourth 2uestion,; 5ate said, looking more serious as "ar as Jack could tell, as Jack was +ust now working on his a!ility to read talking#snake emotions "rom snake "acial "eatures, ;"irst you ha$e to agree to make a second re2uest and !ecome !ound !y the secrecy, or 1 can't tell you.;

;Wait,; +oked Jack, ;isn't this where you say you could tell me, !ut you'd ha$e to kill me0;

;1 thought that was im&lied.; 5ate continued to look serious.

;Ummm...yeah.; Jack leaned !ack a little as he remem!ered again that he was talking to a "i"teen "oot &oisonous re&tile with a re&utation "or ha$ing a nasty tem&er. ;So, what is this ')ound !y Secrecy' stu"", and can you really

sto& the e""ects o" the methanol0; Jack thought "or a second. ;,nd, what do you mean methanol, anyway0 1 thought these days they use ethanol in wi&er "luid, and +ust denature it0;

;They may, 1 don't really know,; said 5ate. ;1 ha$en't gotten out in a while. 7ay!e they do. ,ll 1 know is that 1 smell methanol on your !reath and on that !ottle in your &ocket. ,nd the !lue color o" the li2uid when you &ulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wi&er "luid. 1 assume that they still color wi&er "luid !lue0;

;=eah, they do,; said Jack.

;1 "igured,; re&lied 5ate. ;,s "or !eing !ound !y secrecy # with the "ul"illment o" your ne.t re2uest, you will !e !ound to say nothing a!out me, this &lace, or any o" the in"ormation 1 will tell you a"ter that, when you decide to go !ack out to your kind. =ou won't !e allowed to talk a!out me, write a!out me, use sign language, charades, or e$en act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly a!out me. =ou'll !e !ound to secrecy. 9" course, 1'll also ask you to &romise not to gi$e me away, and as 1'm guessing that you're a man o" your word, you'll ne$er test the !inding anyway, so you won't notice.; 5ate said the last &art with utter con"idence.

Jack, who had always &rided himsel" on !eing a man o" his word, "elt a little ner$ous at this. ;Ummm, hey, 5ate, who are you0 How did you know that0 ,re you, umm, omniscient, or something0;

Well, Jack,; said 5ate sadly, ;1 can't tell you that, unless you make the second re2uest.; 5ate looked away "or a minute, then looked !ack.

;Umm, well, ok,; said Jack, ;what is this a!out a second re2uest0 What can 1 ask "or0 ,re you allowed to tell me that0;

;Sure8; said 5ate, !rightening. ;=ou're allowed to ask "or changes. :hanges to yoursel". They're like wishes, !ut they can only a""ect you. 9h, and !e"ore you ask, 1 can't gi$e you immortality. 9r omniscience. 9r omni&resence, "or that matter. Though 1 might !e a!le to make you gaseous and yet remain ali$e, and then you could s&read through the atmos&here and sort o" !e omni&resent. )ut what good would that !e # you still wouldn't !e omniscient and thus still could only "ocus on one thing at a time. 5ot $ery use"ul, at least in my o&inion.; 5ate sto&&ed when he reali%ed that Jack was staring at him.

;Well, anyway,; continued 5ate, ;1'd &ro!a!ly suggest gi$ing you &ermanent good health. 1t would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd !e immune to most &oisons and diseases, and you'd tend to li$e a $ery long time, !arring accident, o" course. ,nd you'll e$en ha$e a tendency to reco$er "rom accidents well. 1t always seemed like a good choice "or a re2uest to me.;

;:ure the methanol &oisoning, huh0; said Jack. ;,nd kee& me healthy "or a long time0 Hmmm. 1t doesn't sound !ad at that. ,nd it has to !e a re2uest a!out a change to me0 1 can't ask to !e rich, right0 )ecause that's not

really a change to me0;

;/ight,; nodded 5ate.

;:ould 1 ask to !e a genius and &ermanently healthy0; Jack asked, ho&e"ully.

;That takes two re2uests, Jack.;

;=eah, 1 "igured so,; said Jack. ;)ut 1 could ask to !e a genius0 1 could !ecome the smartest scientist in the world0 9r the !est athlete0;

;Well, 1 could make you $ery smart,; admitted 5ate, ;!ut that wouldn't necessarily make you the !est scientist in the world. 9r, 1 could make you $ery athletic, !ut it wouldn't necessarily make you the !est athlete either. =ou'$e heard the saying that ??@ o" genius is hard work0 Well, there's some truth to that. 1 can gi$e you the talent, !ut 1 can't make you work hard. 1t all de&ends on what you decide to do with it.;

;Hmmm,; said Jack. ;9k, 1 think 1 understand. ,nd 1 get a third re2uest, a"ter this one0;

;7ay!e,; said 5ate, ;it de&ends on what you decide then. There are more rules "or the third re2uest that 1 can only tell you a!out a"ter the second re2uest. =ou know how it goes.; 5ate looked like he'd shrug, i" he had shoulders.

;9k, well, since 1'd rather not !e !lind in a day or two, and &ermanent health doesn't sound !ad, then consider that my second re2uest. 9""icially. Do 1 need to sign in !lood or something0;

;5o,; said 5ate. ;Just hold out your hand. 9r heel.; 5ate grinned. ;9r whate$er &art you want me to !ite. 1 ha$e to !ite you again. Like 1 said, that's how it works # the &oison, you know,; 5ate said a&ologetically.

Jack winced a little and "elt his shoulder, where the last !ite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like 5ate had said. That made Jack "eel !etter a!out the !iting !usiness. )ut still, standing still while a "i"teen "oot snake sunk it's "angs into you. Jack stood u&. 1gnoring how good it "elt to !e a!le to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get !itten. Des&ite knowing that it wouldn't hurt "or long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to !e easy.

;Hey, Jack,; 5ate suddenly said, looking &ast Jack towards the dunes !ehind him, ;is that someone else coming u& o$er there0;

Jack s&un around and looked. Who else could !e out here in the middle o" nowhere0 ,nd did they !ring "ood0

Wait a minute, there was no!ody o$er there. What was 5ate...

Jack let out a !ellow as he "elt two "angs sink into his rear end, through his +eans...

Jack sat down care"ully, "a$oring his more tender !uttock. ;1 would ha$e decided, e$entually, 5ate. 1 was +ust thinking a!out it. =ou didn't ha$e to hoodwink me like that.;

;1'$e !een doing this a long time, Jack,; said 5ate, con"idently. ;=ou humans ha$e a hard time sitting still and letting a snake !ite you # es&ecially one my si%e. ,nd !esides, admit it # it's only !een a cou&le o" minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it0 That's !ecause o" the health !ene"it with this one. 1 told you that you'd heal 2uickly now.;

;=eah, well, still,; said Jack, ;it's the &rinci&le o" the thing. ,nd no!ody likes !eing !itten in the !utt8 :ouldn't you ha$e gotten my cal" or something instead0;

;7ore meat in the ty&ical human !utt,; re&lied 5ate. ;,nd less chance you accidentally kick me or mo$e at the last second.;

;=eah, right. So, tell me all o" these wonder"ul secrets that 1 now 2uali"y to hear,; answered Jack.

;9k,; said 5ate. ;Do you want to ask 2uestions "irst, or do you want me to +ust start talking0;

;Just talk,; said Jack. ;1'll sit here and try to not think a!out "ood.;

;We could go try to rustle u& some "ood "or you "irst, i" you like,; answered 5ate.

;Hey8 =ou didn't tell me you had "ood around here, 5ate8; Jack +um&ed u&. ;What do we ha$e0 ,m 1 in walking distance to town0 9r can you magically whi& u& "ood along with your other &owers0; Jack was almost shouting with e.citement. His stomach had !een growling "or hours.

;1 was thinking more like 1 could "lush something out o" its hole and !ite it "or you, and you could skin it and eat it. ,ssuming you ha$e a kni"e, that is,; re&lied 5ate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

;Ugh,; said Jack, sitting !ack down. ;1 think 1'll &ass. 1 can last a little longer !e"ore 1 get des&erate enough to eat desert rat, or whate$er else it is you "ind out here. ,nd there's nothing to !urn # 1'd ha$e to eat it raw. 5o thanks. Just talk.;

;9k,; re&lied 5ate, still grinning. ;)ut 1'd !etter hurry, !e"ore you start looking at me as "ood.

5ate reared !ack a little, looked around "or a second, and then continued. ;=ou, Jack, are sitting in the middle o" the <arden o" Aden.;

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked !ack at 5ate sce&tically.

;Well, that's the !est 1 can "igure it, anyway, Jack,; said 5ate. ;Stand u& and look at the sym!ol on the rock here.; 5ate gestured around the dark stone they were !oth sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood u& and looked. :ar$ed into the stone in a !as#relie" was a re&resentation o" a large tree. The angled#&ole that 5ate was wra&&ed around was coming out o" the trunk o" the tree, right !elow where the main !ranches le"t the truck to reach out across the stone. 1t was $ery well done # it looked more like a tree had !een reduced to almost two dimensions and em!edded in the stone than it did like a car$ing.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the "ading light o" the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait8 The sun was setting8 That meant he was going to ha$e to s&end another night out here8 ,rrrgh8

Jack looked out across the desert "or a little !it, and then came !ack and stood ne.t to 5ate. ;1n all the e.citement, 1 almost "orgot, 5ate,; said Jack. ;Which way is it !ack to town0 ,nd how "ar0 1'm e$entually going to ha$e to head !ack # 1'm not sure 1'll !e a!le to sur$i$e !y eating raw desert critters "or long. ,nd e$en i" 1 can, 1'm not sure 1'll want to.;

;1t's a!out '( miles that way.; 5ate &ointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. ,s "ar as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to

the way he'd !een going when he was crawling here. ;)ut that's '( miles !y the way the crow "lies. 1t's a!out B( !y the way a man walks. =ou should !e a!le to do it in a!out hal" a day with your im&ro$ed endurance, i" you head out early tomorrow, Jack.;

Jack looked out the way the snake had &ointed "or a "ew seconds more, and then sat !ack down. 1t was getting dark. 5ot much he could do a!out heading out right now. ,nd !esides, 5ate was +ust a!out to get to the interesting stu"". ;<arden o" Aden0 ,s !est as you can "igure it0;

;Well, yeah, as !est as 1 and Samuel could "igure it anyway,; said 5ate. ;He "igured that the story +ust got a little mi.ed u&. =ou know, snake, in a 'tree', o""ering 'tem&tations', making !argains. That kind stu"". )ut he could ne$er 2uite "igure out how the He!rews "ound out a!out this s&ot "rom across the ocean. He worried a!out that "or a while.;

;<arden o" Aden, hunh0; said Jack. ;How long ha$e you !een here, 5ate0;

;5o idea, really,; re&lied 5ate. ;, long time. 1t ne$er occurred to me to count years, until recently, and !y then, o" course, it was too late. )ut 1 do remem!er when this whole &lace was green, so 1 "igure it's !een thousands o" years, at least.;

;So, are you the snake that tem&ted A$e0; said Jack.

;)eats me,; said 5ate. ;7ay!e. 1 can't remem!er i" the "irst one o" your

kind that 1 talked to was "emale or not, and 1 ne$er got a name, !ut it could ha$e !een. ,nd 1 su&&ose she could ha$e considered my o""er to grant re2uests a 'tem&tation', though 1'$e rarely had re"usals.;

;Well, umm, how did you get here then0 ,nd why is that white &ole stuck out o" the stone there0; asked Jack.

;Dad le"t me here. 9r, 1 assume it was my dad. 1t was another snake # much !igger than 1 was !ack then. 1 remem!er talking to him, !ut 1 don't remem!er i" it was in a language, or +ust kind o" understanding what he wanted. )ut one day, he !rought me to this stone, told me a!out it, and asked me to do something "or him. 1 talked it o$er with him "or a while, then agreed. 1'$e !een here e$er since.

;What is this &lace0; said Jack. ;,nd what did he ask you to do0;

;Well, you see this &ole here, sticking out o" the stone0; 5ate loosened his coils around the tilted white &ole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The &ole was tilted at a!out a B> degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned o$er and looked. The slot was dark and the &ole went down into it as "ar as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the &ole, !ut 5ate was suddenly there in the way.

;=ou can't touch that yet, Jack,; said 5ate.

;Why not0; asked Jack.

;1 ha$en't e.&lained it to you yet,; re&lied 5ate.

;Well, it kinda looks like a le$er or something,; said Jack. ;=ou'd &ush it that way, and it would mo$e in the slot.;

;=e&, that's what it is,; re&lied 5ate.

;What does it do0; asked Jack. ;And the world0;

;9h, no,; said 5ate. ;5othing that drastic. 1t +ust ends humanity. 1 call it 'The Le$er o" Doom'.; -or the last "ew words 5ate had used a dee&er, ringing $oice. He tried to look serious "or a "ew seconds, and then ga$e u& and grinned.

Jack was initially startled !y 5ate's &ronouncement, !ut when 5ate grinned Jack laughed. ;Ha8 =ou almost had me "ooled "or a second there. What does it really do0;

;9h, it really ends humanity, like 1 said,; smirked 5ate. ;1 +ust thought the $oice 1 used was "unny, didn't you0;

5ate continued to grin.

;, le$er to end humanity0; asked Jack. ;What in the world is that "or0 Why

would anyone need to end humanity0;

;Well,; re&lied 5ate, ;1 get the idea that may!e humanity was an e.&eriment. 9r may!e the )ig <uy +ust thought, that i" humanity started going really !ad, there should !e a way to end it. 1'm not really sure. ,ll 1 know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and 1 had a!out why it's here. 1 didn't think to ask !ack when 1 started here.;

;/ules0 What rules0; asked Jack.

;The rules are that 1 can't tell any!ody a!out it or let them touch it unless they agree to !e !ound to secrecy !y a !ite. ,nd that only one human can !e !ound in that way at a time. That's it.; e.&lained 5ate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. ;=ou mean that 1 could &ull the le$er now0 =ou'd let me end humanity0;

;=e&,; re&lied 5ate, ;i" you want to.; 5ate looked at Jack care"ully. ;Do you want to, Jack0;

;Umm, no.; said Jack, ste&&ing a little "urther !ack "rom the le$er. ;Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity0 1t'd take a &sychotic to want that8 9r worse, a suicidal &sychotic, !ecause it would kill him too, wouldn't it0;

;=e&,; re&lied 5ate, ;!eing as he'd !e human too.;

;Has anyone e$er seriously considered it0; asked 5ate. ;,ny o" those !ound to secrecy, that is0;

;Well, o" course, 1 think they'$e all seriously considered it at one time or another. )eing gi$en that kind o" res&onsi!ility makes you sit down and think, or so 1'm told. Samuel considered it se$eral times. He'd o"ten get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and +ust hold the le$er "or a while. )ut he ne$er &ulled it. 9r you wouldn't !e here.; 5ate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well !ack "rom the le$er. He looked thought"ul and &u%%led at the same time. ,"ter a !it, he said, ;So this makes me the Judge o" humanity0 1 get to decide whether they kee& going or +ust end0 7e0;

;That seems to !e it,; agreed 5ate.

;What kind o" criteria do 1 use to decide0; said Jack. ;How do 1 make this decision0 ,m 1 su&&osed to decide i" they're good0 9r too many o" them are !ad0 9r that they're going the wrong way0 1s there a set o" rules "or that0;

;5o&e,; re&lied 5ate. ;=ou &retty much +ust ha$e to decide on your own. 1t's u& to you, howe$er you want to decide it. 1 guess that you're +ust su&&osed to know.;

;)ut what i" 1 get mad at someone0 9r some girl dum&s me and 1 "eel horri!le0 :ouldn't 1 make a mistake0 How do 1 know that 1 won't screw u&0;

&rotested Jack.

5ate ga$e his kind o" snake#like shrug again. ;=ou don't. =ou +ust ha$e to try your !est, Jack.;

Jack sat there "or a while, staring o"" into the desert that was ra&idly getting dark, chewing on a "ingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. ;5ate, was Samuel the one !ound to this !e"ore me0;

;=e&,; re&lied 5ate. ;He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and !rought me !ooks. 1 think 1 still ha$e a good &ile o" them !uried in the sand around here somewhere. 1 still miss him. He died a "ew months ago.;

;Sounds like a good guy,; agreed Jack. ;How did he handle this, when you "irst told him. What did he do0;

;Well,; said 5ate, ;he sat down "or a while, thought a!out it "or a !it, and then asked me some 2uestions, much like you're doing.;

;What did he ask you, i" you're allowed to tell me0; asked Jack.

;He asked me a!out the third re2uest,; re&lied 5ate.

;,ha8; 1t was Jack's turn to grin. ;,nd what did you tell him0;

;1 told him the rules "or the third re2uest. That to get the third re2uest you ha$e to agree to this whole thing. That i" it e$er comes to the &oint that you really think that humanity should !e ended, that you'll come here and end it. =ou won't a$oid it, and you won't wim& out.; 5ate looked serious again. ;,nd you'll !e !ound to do it too, Jack.;

;Hmmm.; Jack looked !ack out into the darkness "or a while.

5ate watched him, waiting.

;5ate,; continued Jack, 2uietly, e$entually. ;What did Samuel ask "or with his third re2uest0;

5ate sounded like he was grinning again as he re&lied, also 2uietly, ;Wisdom, Jack. He asked "or wisdom. ,s much as 1 could gi$e him.;

;9k,; said Jack, suddenly, standing u& and "acing away "rom 5ate, ;gi$e it to me.

5ate looked at Jack's !ackside. ;<i$e you what, Jack0;

;<i$e me that wisdom. The same stu"" that Samuel asked "or. 1" it hel&ed him, may!e it'll hel& me too.; Jack turned his head to look !ack o$er his shoulder at 5ate. ;1t did hel& him, right0;

;He said it did,; re&lied 5ate. ;)ut he seemed a little 2uieter a"terward. Like he had a lot to think a!out.;

;Well, yeah, 1 can see that,; said Jack. ;So, gi$e it to me.; Jack turned to "ace away "rom 5ate again, !ent o$er slightly and tensed u&.

5ate watched Jack tense u& with a little e.as&eration. 1" he !it Jack now, Jack would likely +um& out o" his skin and may!e hurt them !oth.

;=ou remem!er that you'll !e !ound to destroy humanity i" it e$er looks like it needs it, right Jack0; asked 5ate, shi"ting &osition.

;=eah, yeah, 1 got that,; re&lied Jack, eyes s2uee%ed tightly shut and !ody tense, not noticing the change in direction o" 5ate's $oice.

;,nd,; continued 5ate, "rom his new &osition, ;do you remem!er that you'll turn !right &ur&le, and grow !ig horns and e.tra eyes0;

;=eah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute8; said Jack, o&ening his eyes, straightening u& and turning around. ;6ur&le08; He didn't see 5ate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the le$er e.tended u& "rom its slot in the rock without the snake wra&&ed around it.

Jack heard, "rom !ehind him, 5ate's ;Just Cidding8; right !e"ore he "elt the now "amiliar &iercing &ain, this time in the other !uttock.

Jack sat on the edge o" the dark stone in the ra&idly cooling air, his "eet e.tending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally ru!!ing his !utt where he'd !een recently !itten.

5ate had le"t "or a little while, had come !ack with a desert#rodent#sha&ed !ulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wra&&ed !ack around the le$er, his tongue "licking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.

9ccasionally Jack, with his toes a!sentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask 5ate a 2uestion without turning around.

;5ate, do accidents count0;

5ate li"ted his head a little !it. ;What do you mean, Jack0;

Jack tilted his head !ack like he was looking at the stars. ;=ou know, accidents. 1" 1 accidentally "all on the le$er, without meaning to, does that still wi&e out humanity0;

;=eah, 1'm &retty sure it does, Jack. 1'd suggest you !e care"ul a!out that i" you start "eeling wo!!ly,; said 5ate with some amusement.

, little later # ;Does it ha$e to !e me that &ulls the le$er0; asked Jack.

;That's the rule, Jack. 5o!ody else can &ull it,; answered 5ate.

;5o,; Jack shook his head, ;1 meant does it ha$e to !e my hand0 :ould 1 &ull the le$er with a ro&e tied around it0 9r &ush it with a stick0 9r throw a rock0;

;=es, those should work,; re&lied 5ate. ;Though 1'm not sure how com&licated you could get. Samuel thought a!out trying to !uild some kind o" remote control "or it once, !ut ga$e it u&. A$erything he'd !uild would !e gone !y the ne.t sunrise, i" it was touching the stone, or o$er it. 1 told him that in the &ast others that had !een !ound had tried to !ury the le$er so they wouldn't !e tem&ted to &ull it, !ut e$ery time the stones or sand or whate$er had disa&&eared.;

;Wow,; said Jack, ;:ool.; Jack leaned !ack until only his el!ows ke&t him o"" o" the stone and looked u& into the sky.

;5ate, how long did Samuel li$e0 9ne o" his wishes was "or health too, right0; asked Jack.

;=es,; re&lied 5ate, ;it was. He li$ed *DE years, Jack.;

;Wow, *DE years. That's almost *B( more years 1'll li$e i" 1 li$e as long. Do you know what he died o", 5ate0;

;He died o" getting tired o" li$ing, Jack,; 5ate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at 5ate in the starlight.

5ate looked !ack. ;Samuel knew he wasn't going to !e a!le to stay in society. He "igured that they'd e$entually see him still ali$e and start 2uestioning it, so he decided that he'd ha$e to disa&&ear a"ter a while. He "aked his death once, !ut changed his mind # he decided it was too early and he could stay "or a little longer. He wasn't $ery "ond o" mankind, !ut he liked the attention. 7ost o" the time, anyway.

;His daughter and then his wi"e dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer a"ter that. He e$entually came out here to s&end time talking to me and thinking a!out &ulling the le$er. , "ew months ago he told me he'd had enough. 1t was his time.;

;,nd then he +ust died0; asked Jack.

5ate shook his head a little. ;He made his "orth re2uest, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask "or the "ourth re2uest. The last !ite.

,"ter a !it 5ate continued, ;He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show u& soon, like they always had.

,"ter another &ause, 5ate "inished, ;Samuel's !ody disa&&eared o"" the stone with the sunrise.;

Jack lay !ack down and looked at the sky, lea$ing 5ate alone with his memories. 1t was a long time until Jack's !reathing e$ened out into slee&.

Jack woke with the sunrise the ne.t morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, !ut o$erall was "eeling &retty good. Well, e.ce&t that his stomach was grum!ling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, a"ter getting directions to town "rom 5ate, making sure he knew how to get !ack, and reassuring 5ate that he'd !e !ack soon, Jack started the long walk !ack to town. With his new health and 5ate's good directions, he made it !ack easily.

Jack caught a !us !ack to the city, and showed u& "or work the ne.t day, little worse "or the wear and with a story a!out getting lost in the desert and walking !ack out. Within a cou&le o" days Jack had talked a "riend with a tow truck into going !ack out into the desert with him to "etch the SU . They "ound it a"ter a cou&le o" hours o" searching and towed it !ack without incident. Jack was care"ul not to e$en look in the direction o" 5ate's le$er, though their &ath !ack didn't come within sight o" it.

)e"ore the ne.t weekend, Jack had gone to a cou&le o" stores, including a !ook store, and had gotten his SU !ack "rom the mechanic, with a warning to a$oid any more +oyriding in the desert. 9n Saturday, Jack headed !ack to see

5ate.

Jack &arked a little way out o" the small town near 5ate, loaded u& his new !ack&ack with cam&ing gear and the things he was !ringing "or 5ate, and then started walking. He "igured that walking would lea$e the least trail, and he knew that while not many &eo&le cam&ed in the desert, it wasn't unheard o", and shouldn't really raise sus&icions.

Jack had !rought more !ooks "or 5ate # recent !ooks, maga%ines, news&a&ers. Some things that would catch 5ate u& with what was ha&&ening in the world, others that were +ust good !ooks to read. He s&ent the weekend with 5ate, and then headed out again, telling 5ate that he'd !e !ack again soon, !ut that he had things to do "irst.

9$er "our months later Jack was !ack to see 5ate again. This time he !rought a la&to& with him # a s&ecially modi"ied la&to&. 1t had a solar recharger, s&ecial "ilters and seals to kee& out the sand, a satellite link#u&, and a s&ecial key!oard and +oystick that Jack ho&ed that a "i"teen#"oot rattlesnake would !e a!le to use. ,nd, it had !een hacked to not gi$e out its location to the satellite.

,"ter that Jack could e#mail 5ate to kee& in touch, !ut still $isited him "airly regularly # at least once or twice a year.

,"ter the "irst year, Jack 2uit his +o!. -or some reason, with the wisdom he 'd !een gi$en, and the knowledge that he could li$e "or o$er *>( years,

working in a nine to "i$e +o! "or someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went !ack to school.

A$entually, Jack started writing. 6erha&s !ecause o" the wisdom, or &erha&s !ecause o" his new &ers&ecti$e, he wrote well. 6eo&le liked what he wrote, and he !ecame well known "or it. ,"ter a time, Jack !ought an / and started tra$eling around the country "or !ook signings and readings.

)ut, he still remem!ered to dro& !y and $isit 5ate occasionally.

9n one o" the $isits 5ate seemed 2uieter than usual. 5ot that 5ate had !een a "ountain o" +oy lately. Jack's !est guess was that 5ate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't !een a!le to re&lace Samuel in 5ate's eyes. 5ate had !een getting 2uieter each $isit. )ut on this $isit 5ate didn't e$en s&eak when Jack walked u& to the le$er. He nodded at Jack, and then went !ack to staring into the desert. Jack, res&ecting 5ate's silence, sat down and waited.

,"ter a "ew minutes, 5ate s&oke. ;Jack, 1 ha$e someone to introduce you to.;

Jack looked sur&rised. ;Someone to introduce me to0; Jack looked around, and then looked care"ully !ack at 5ate. ;This something to do with the )ig <uy0

;5o, no,; re&lied 5ate. ;This is more &ersonal. 1 want you to meet my son.; 5ate looked o$er at the nearest sand dune. ;Sammy8;

Jack watched as a "our "oot long desert rattlesnake crawled "rom !ehind the dune and u& to the stone !ase o" the le$er.

;=o, Jack,; said the new, much smaller snake.

;=o, Sammy; re&lied Jack. Jack looked at 5ate. ;5amed a"ter Samuel, 1 assume0;

5ate nodded. ;Jack, 1'$e got a "a$or to ask you. :ould you show Sammy around "or me0; 5ate unwra&&ed himsel" "rom the le$er and slithered o$er to the edge o" the stone and looked across the sands. ;When Samuel "irst told me a!out the world, and !rought me !ooks and &ictures, 1 wished that 1 could go see it. 1 wanted to see the great "orests, the canyons, the cities, e$en the other deserts, to see i" they "elt and smelled the same. 1 want my son to ha$e that chance # to see the world. )e"ore he !ecomes !ound here like 1 ha$e !een.

;He's seen it in &ictures, o$er the com&uter that you !rought me. )ut 1 hear that it's not the same. That !eing there is di""erent. 1 want him to ha$e that. Think you can do that "or me, Jack0;

Jack nodded. This was o!$iously $ery im&ortant to 5ate, so Jack didn't e$en +oke a!out taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. ;=eah, 1 can do that "or you, 5ate. 1s that all you need0; Jack could sense that was something more.

5ate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked !ack at 5ate "or a second and then said, ;9h, yeah. Ummm, 1'$e gotta go &ack. )ack in a little !it Jack. 5ice to meet

ya8; Sammy slithered !ack o$er the dune and out o" sight.

5ate watched Sammy disa&&ear and then looked !ack at Jack. ;Jack, this is my "irst son. 7y "irst o""s&ring through all the years. =ou don't e$en want to know what it took "or me to "ind a mate.; 5ate grinned to himsel". ;)ut anyway, 1 had a son "or a reason. 1'm tired. 1'm ready "or it to !e o$er. 1 needed a re&lacement.;

Jack considered this "or a minute. ;So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the le$er while you were gone0;

5ate shook his head. ;5o, Jack # you're a !etter guesser than that. =ou'$e already "igured out # 1'm !ound here # there's only one way "or me to lea$e here. ,nd 1'm ready. 1t's my time to die.;

Jack looked more closely at 5ate. He could tell 5ate had thought a!out this # &ro!a!ly "or 2uite a while. Jack had trou!le imagining what it would !e like to !e as old as 5ate, !ut Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might !e getting tired o" li"e himsel". Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now 5ate's. So, all Jack said was, ;What do you want me to do0;

5ate nodded. ;Thanks, Jack. 1 only want two things. 9ne # show Sammy around the world # let him get his "ill o" it, until he's ready to come !ack here and take o$er. Two # gi$e me the "ourth re2uest.

;1 can't +ust decide to die, not any more than you can. 1 won't e$en die o" old age like you e$entually will, e$en though it'll !e a long time "rom now. 1 need to !e killed. 9nce Sammy is !ack here, ready to take o$er, 1'll !e a!le to die. ,nd 1 need you to kill me.

;1'$e e$en thought a!out how. 6oisons and other drugs won't work on me. ,nd 1'$e seen &ictures o" snakes that were shot # some o" them li$e "or days, so that's out too. So, 1 want you to !ring !ack a sword.

5ate turned away to look !ack to the dune that Sammy had gone !ehind. ;1'd say an a.e, !ut that's somewhat undigni"ied # &utting my head on the ground or a cho&&ing !lock like that. 5o, 1 like a sword. , time#honored way o" going out. , digni"ied way to die. ,nd, most im&ortantly, it should work, e$en on me.

;=ou willing to do that "or me, Jack0; 5ate turned !ack to look at Jack.

;=eah, 5ate,; re&lied Jack solemnly, ;1 think 1 can handle that.;

5ate nodded. ;<ood8; He turned !ack toward the dune and shouted, ;Sammy8 Jack's a!out ready to lea$e8; Then 2uietly, ;Thanks, Jack.;

Jack didn't ha$e anything to say to that, so he waited "or Sammy to make it !ack to the le$er, nodded to him, nodded a "inal time to 5ate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy "ollowing. 9$er the ne.t se$eral years Sammy and Jack ke&t in touch with 5ate through

e#mail as they went a!out their ad$entures. They made a goal o" $isiting e$ery country in the world, and did a res&ecta!le +o! o" it. Sammy had a natural gi"t "or languages, as Jack e.&ected he would, and e$en ended u& acting as a translator "or Jack in a "ew o" the countries. Jack managed to kee& the talking rattlesnake hidden, e$en so, and !y the time they were nearing the end o" their tour o" countries, Sammy had only !een s&otted a "ew times. While there were se$eral &eo&le that had seen enough to startle them greatly, no!ody had enough e$idence to &ro$e anything, and while a "ew wild rumors and storied "ollowed Jack and Sammy around, nothing e$er hit the news&a&ers or the &u!lic in general.

When they "inished the tour o" countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea di$ing. They did. ,nd s&elunking. They did that too. Sammy "inally drew the line at $isiting ,ntarctica. He'd come to reali%e that Jack was stalling. ,"ter talking to his Dad a!out it o$er e#mail, he "igured out that Jack &ro!a!ly didn't want to ha$e to kill 5ate. 5ate told Sammy that humans could !e s2ueamish a!out killing "riends and ac2uaintances.

So, Sammy e$entually &ut his tail down 3as he didn't ha$e a "oot4 and told Jack that it was time # he was ready to go !ack and take u& his duties "rom his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more !y insisting that they go !ack to Ja&an and !uy an a&&ro&riate sword. He e$en stretched it a little more !y getting lessons in how to use the sword. )ut, e$entually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his li"e to it, and was de"initely com&etent enough to take the head o"" o" a snake. 1t was time to head !ack and see 5ate.

When they got !ack to the US, Jack got the old / out o" storage where he and Sammy had le"t it a"ter their tour o" the "i"ty states, he loaded u& Sammy and the sword, and they headed "or the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had !een trying to "ind those years ago when he'd met 5ate, Jack was in a "unk. He didn't really "eel like walking all o" the way out there. 5ot only that, !ut he'd "orgotten to "igure the tra$el time correctly, and it was late a"ternoon. They'd either ha$e to s&end the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

,s Jack was a"raid that i" he waited one more night he might lose his resol$e, he decided that he'd go ahead and dri$e the / out there. 1t was only going to !e this once, and Jack would go !ack and co$er the tracks a"terward. They ought to !e a!le to make it out there !y night"all i" they dro$e, and then they could get it o$er tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e#mail 5ate that they were coming as he dro$e out o" sight o" the town on the road. They then &ulled o"" the road and headed out into the desert.

A$erything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had !een nursing the / along the whole time, o$er the rocks, through the creek !eds, re$$ing the engine the "ew times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think a!out it, he +ust downshi"ted and headed u& the "irst one. )y the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd

decided to try dri$ing on the sand. The / was "ishtailling and losing traction. Jack was ha$ing to work it u& each dune slowly and was trying to kee& "rom losing control each time they came o$er the to& and slid down the other side. Sammy had come u& to sit in the &assenger seat, coiled u& and laughing at Jack's dri$ing.

,s they came o$er the to& o" the "ourth dune, the !iggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the "inal dune # the stone, the le$er, and somewhere 5ate, waited !elow. Jack &ut on the !rakes, !ut he'd gone a little too "ar. The / started sli&&ing down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, !ut he didn't ha$e enough traction. He &um&ed the !rakes # no res&onse. They started sliding down the hill, "aster and "aster.

Jack "elt a shock go through him as he suddenly reali%ed that they were heading "or the le$er. He looked down # the / was directly on course "or it. 1" Jack didn't do something, the / would hit it. He was a!out to end humanity.

Jack steered more "rantically, trying to get traction. 1t still wasn't working. The dune was too stee&, and the sand too loose. 1n a s&lit second, Jack reali%ed that his only chance would !e once he hit the stone around the le$er # he should ha$e traction on the stone "or +ust a second !e"ore he hit the le$er # he wouldn't ha$e time to sto&, !ut he should !e a!le to steer away.

Jack took a !etter gri& on the steering wheel and tried to turn the / a little !it # e$ery little !it would hel&. He'd ha$e to time his turn +ust right.

The / got to the !ottom o" the dune, sliding at an ama%ing s&eed in the sand. Just !e"ore they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading "or the le$er. They were. )ut Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen "rom the to& o" the dune. 5ate wasn't wra&&ed around the le$er. He was o"" to the side o" the le$er, !ut still on the stone, waiting "or them. The &ro!lem was, he was waiting on the same side o" the le$er that Jack had &icked to steer towards to a$oid the le$er. The / was already starting to dri"t that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to !e a!le to go around the le$er to the other side.

Jack had an instant o" reali%ation. He was either going to ha$e to hit the le$er, or run o$er 5ate. He glanced o$er at Sammy and saw that Sammy reali%ed the same thing.

Jack took a "irmer gri& on the steering wheel as the / ran u& on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he &ulled the steering wheel, ;)ATTA/ 5,TA TH,5 LA A/,; he ran o$er the snake.

THA A5D

****

****

****

****

6LA,SA /A,DF

This +oke was also a &ersonality &ro"ile test...

1t was the su!+ect o" a recent Aducational 6sychology 7aster's Thesis, soon to !e &u!lished, which in$estigated the way that someone res&onds to a we!&age such as this correlates to certain &ersonality tendencies.

The research con"irmed a statistically signi"icant correlation which strongly suggests a de&enda!ly &redicti$e &ositi$e relationshi& !etween how a &erson res&onds to this &age and certain as&ects o" his or her &sychological &ro"ile. Thus, it is called the 6ersonality 6ro"ile ,ssessment Test Hy&othesis.

While the actual results looked at se$eral com&le. "actors, and de&ended hea$ily on 2uestionnaires "illed out !y $olunteers u&on com&letion o" their e.&erience, 1 will sim&li"y the results !y discussing three main grou&s and their &ro"iles. While these &ro"iles may not !e e.actly "itting o" each &erson within each grou&, they do strongly suggest a statistically signi"icant likelihood o" &ro"ile similarity.

**@ o" those who see this &age take their time, en+oying the +oke as they read it, en+oying the !uild u& to the &unch line, and e$en i" the &unch line itsel" wasnGt &articularly humorous, they tended to en+oy the &rocess.

>D@ !egin scroll down to the &unch line either !e"ore starting to read the +oke or within a short &eriod o" time# usually H( seconds or less. The $ast ma+ority o" this grou& choose not to read the +oke.

''@ read at least *I' o" the +oke, with the intention o" reading it all, !ut then !egin to 2uestion their decision and the in$estment o" time they are making. They go !ack and "orth !etween deciding to continuing or to ski& to the end 3this $acillating may !e unconscious at the time, and ha&&en in a matter o" moments4. The $ast ma+ority in this grou& gi$e u& !e"ore "inishing J o" the +oke, and scroll to the end.

6eo&le in the "irst grou&, who read the entire +oke, tend to en+oy the +ourney o" li"e, and take their time as they mo$e towards a goal. When tra$eling, they tend to thoroughly en+oy the &rocess, and are not u&tight or stressed a!out single#mindedly getting to their destination. They also tend to !e $ery attenti$e, &atient and long lasting lo$ers, and en+oy intimacy and &hysical connecti$ity whether or not it is carried to com&letion.

Those in the second grou&, who scroll to the end !e"ore reading more than a "ew sentences o" the +oke, tend to a$oid sur&rises and the unknown. They &re"er to ha$e a regular schedule and not to ste& out o" their routine. They tend to !e e""icient, !ut are o"ten lacking in en+oyment, s&ontaneity and &assion. They tend to !e less &atient and more interested in the destination than the +ourney. When on a tri&, they tend to "ocus on getting where they are going, rather than en+oying the &rocess. During intimacy, they tend to not !e a!le to en+oy it unless they are certain it will !e taken to com&letion. The idea o" +ust K&laying aroundL a while, engaging in &hysical intimacy without the &romise

o" "ull com&letion is, rather than sim&ly en+oya!le and connecti$e, considered to !e KcruelL and a KteasingL and is met with resentment. This grou&Gs a!ility to en+oy de&ends largely on their need to know what is going to ha&&en. They tend to !e more sel"# "ocused lo$ers, and tend not to last $ery long in satis"ying the other &artner i" their own satis"action has ha&&ened or is within easy reach.

The third grou&, who decided not to read the entire +oke a"ter reading a third or more o" it, tend to !e commitment#&ho!ic and lack the a!ility to mo$e "orward to com&letion when things !ecome challenging. They are o"ten &rocrastinators and "re2uently gi$e u& on tasks when they !ecome more di""icult. They tend to &re"er to ha$e !ig dreams than act on them in the real, challenging world. , signi"icantly higher &ercentage o" this grou& had :esarean !irth, and may not ha$e had the !ene"it o" that early e.&erience o" struggle and e""ort !eing rewarded with accom&lishment. This grou& tends to not take !ig $acations which would take more e""ort to &lan and im&lement, and tends to stay close to home or e$en stay home during time o"". 6romotions and career mo$es which are within reach !ut still re2uire some e""ort and "ocus are "re2uently not "ully tried "or, although the &erce&tion will !e they were &assed u&. 1n intimate relationshi&s, this grou& tends to start out romantic and &assionate, !ut it 2uickly "ades and is re&laced !y lackadaisicalness and indi""erence, characteri%ed in &art !y a sense o" "eeling it is not worth the e""ort to continue ha$ing a &assionate, energi%ed and com&lete e.&erience during intimacy. There is a tendency to K&eter outL !oth in intimacy and in other as&ects o" li"e, and to take the easier road, e$en i" it leads to a less "ul"illing li"e.

****

DisclaimerF This summary o" the thesis results is not intended in any way to o""er ad$ice or thera&y, nor is it intended to in"er anything a!out whether anyone reading this &age does or does not "it the &ersonality &ro"iles descri!ed.

****

This ends the longest +oke in the world. 37ore than BH meters long, to& to !ottom4.