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The First Lady Felicia

Put it on 90.1, Stony Brook

 2 Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007

news
Upcoming Campus Events
Festival of Lights! Annual Kwanzaa Banquet Merging White Dwarf Stars
Dec. 5, 6:30 pm, SAC Auditorium Dec. 6, 8 pm, SAC Ballroom A Dec. 7, 7:30 pm, ESS 001

Stony Brook, a Quilt and the Fight Against AIDS

By Alex H. Nagler
Each one of those patches
represents a human being who
died needlessly from this cen-
tury’s plague. Each one of those
squares is a life lost. This quilt
in question was the Long Is-
land portion of the AIDS Me-
morial Quilt, which came to
SAC Ballroom A. The quilt was
on display for World AIDS
Day, which is December 1.
This display was the largest
showing of a single portion of
the quilt on Long Island.
A somber mood greeted
students as they walked into
the Ballroom. They were given
a handout detailing some of
the facts about the quilt. These
twenty five blocks represent
the lives of over 200 individu-
als, all from the Long Island
area, which was one of the first
suburban areas to feel the cold
blow of the disease. In the cen-
ter of the room was a blank
piece of cloth that students
could sign that would be
brought with the quilt as a
token of its day at Stony Brook.
A steady stream of names of
the departed were read out by
volunteers, which was the sole
noise (save for the footsteps of
those paying their respects)
that broke the heavy silence of
remembrance.
The Quilt monitors, clad
in white, brought a clean, sort
of medicinal atmosphere to the
event, providing comfort to
those who needed it and serv-
ing as guardians of the quilt
should anyone attempt to step
on it. They were accompanied
by representatives from
CHOICE, who were on hand
to inform students of the
proper techniques of safe sex,
give out free condoms, and re-
mind everyone that free AIDS
tests were being administered
the next day at the Student
Health Service building.
In closing, I leave you with
the words of Tony Kushner’s
Angels in America. In his final
speech to the audience, former
prophet and AIDS survivor
Prior Walter leaves with his
farewell and prayer for hope. I
feel that in light of the quilt, it
is as fitting now as it was when
initially published.
“…I want to be around to
see it. I plan to be. I hope to be.
This disease will be the end of
us, but not nearly all, and the
dead will be commemorated
and will struggle on with the
living, and we are not going
away. We won’t die secret
deaths anymore. The world
only spins forward. We will be
citizens. The time has come.
Bye now. You are fabulous
creatures, each and
every one. And I
bless you: More
Life. The Great
Work begins.”

Alex H. Nagler is
lumen, phosphor,
flour, candle.

The better alternative? Optical lousforthestatetopurchasemachines latkeisakindofpotatopancake,and

News In Brief
Compiled by James Laudano
Professors Call for Optical Scan Sys-
tems to Replace Lever Voting Ma-
chines
UniversityprofessorsacrossNew
Yorkareleadingamovementtopre-
ventthestatefromadoptingtheflawed
computerized voting machines used
onElectionDayinsomestates.New
York is now entertaining different
ideasconcerningwhattousewhenthe
state replaces its 20,000 mechanical
levervotingmachinesin2009.
scan systems. “Optical scan systems
are inherently more secure, reliable
and auditable than their ATM style
touchscreencounterparts,”saidStony
Brook NYPIRG Project Leader Jake
Conarck. Optical scan systems have
thevotersfillouttheirballotbyhand
orwiththeassistanceofanaccessibil-
ity device. “[Touch screen style ma-
chines]haveproventobepenetrable,
and are inherently subject to third
partyoperation,”addedConarck.
Eachcountyinthestateisslated
tomakethedecisionbetweenthetwo
typesofmachinesinthenearfuture.
“Computerizedtouchscreenvot-
ingmachinesareinferior.Itisridicu-
thatareproventohaveanundervote
rateasmuchas40%higherthanopti-
calscansystems,”saidJonGreen,an-
other NYPIRG Project Coordinator.
“Furthermore,publicpollingisanarea
of government that cannot display
suchahighrateofinefficiencyorpo-
tentialdisenfranchisement.”
StonyBrookGetsSomeL atkeLoveon
Monday,December3
At7:30PM,onMonday,Decem-
ber3,theStonyBrookHillelFounda-
tionforJewishLifeheldaLatkeeating
event!Forthosewhodonotknow,a
theyaredamntasty.Hillelput1,000of
these delectable treats in the Union
Ballroom, and asked the university
communitytohelpdevourthemall!In
fact,theywerealsogivingoutfreet-
shirtstogoalongwithyourcarbohy-
dratefix.Youcanbetmanyofushere
at The Press were there, and we still
havethestomachaches…
Yet Another Mugging Here At Stony
Brook!
Justkidding.Ha!Oh,butstillbe
careful.
The Stony Brook Press 3
AAE-Zine

K i n s m a n / S v a j a n a
Sax in the City Jazz at Wang

S
by Chetan Prabhudesai
Nov. 29, 2007
vajanam is a word in the ancient
Indian language Sanskrit. It
means “kinsmen,” and it is a fine
description of the bond between saxo-
phonists Dr. Kadri Gopalnath and
Rudresh Mahanthappa. Through the
very different styles and sounds that em-
anate from their respective instruments,
together they form a stunning combina-
tion that bridges American Jazz with In-
dian classical (Carnatic) music. They
performed at the Wang Center on No-
vember 15, along with the rest of a group
called the Dakshina Ensemble. Resem-
bling neither a typical Jazz concert nor
an Indian classical kutcheri, the show
known as Kinsmen/Svajanam opened
the minds of many in the audience. It
was produced by the Asia Society, which
brought another Indian classical musi-
cian to these shores over 40 years ago –
the famous Ravi Shankar.
When most Americans familiar with
Jazz music are asked to name a famous
saxophonist, many think of John
Coltrane or Charlie Parker. In India,
however, the saxophone is not a com-
monly seen or heard instrument. While
Mahanthappa considers himself an In-
dian American, using his ancestral cul-
ture to help him push his brand of
contemporary jazz forward, Gopalnath
learned the saxophone in India in 1975,
and performed his first concert two years
later. Carnatic music does not typically
feature saxophonists, which meant that
Gopalnath had to innovate adaptations
to conventional song structures to fit the
instrument to the music. He was even
awarded the Padmashree by the Presi-
dent of India – one of the highest honors
an Indian artist can receive. He is
known in India as “Saxophone
Chakravarthy” (The Emperor of Saxo-
phone). Through thirty years of per-
formances, festivals, awards, Bollywood
soundtracks, Doctoral degrees, and
teaching students to become the next
great Indian saxophonist, Gopalnath has
truly experienced the life of an Indian
music legend, not unlike Ravi Shankar.
By contrast, Mahanthappa has not
been playing as long – he’s only in his
30s. However, he is already piling up the
awards. A Guggenheim fellow, he
comes from the famed Berklee College
of Music. His most recent album, Code-
book, was named one of the Top Jazz
Albums of 2006 by The Village Voice,
Jazztimes, and more. Like Gopalnath,
Mahanthappa has also performed at
many jazz festivals worldwide.
The rest of the Dakshina Ensemble is
no less talented: Violinist A. Kanyaku-
mari is one of the most decorated female
musicians in India. Pakistani American
Guitarist Rez Abbasi is considered one
of the top jazz guitar players in New
York. Acoustic Bassist Carlo De Rosa
has performed with, among others, John
Coltrane’s son, Ravi Coltrane (can you
guess who he was named after?).
Poovalur Sriji plays the mridangam
(which resembles two tablas attached to
each other from the bottom). He per-
formed on the album Tabula Rasa,
which features Western musicians like
Bela Fleck and was even nominated for
a Grammy. “royal hartigan” (yes, he
spells his name like that) is the drummer.
He has published books about African
tribal rhythms.
With this much musical talent in one
room, how was the actual concert? Ex-
cellent, it turns out, due to the strong
chemistry between the Ensemble mem-
bers. Despite coming from very different
backgrounds and playing instruments
from very different cultures, the players
all combined the sounds from their in-
struments into one glorious whole.
There were standouts, sure: When each
member was given the opportunity to
solo their instrument before the audi-
ence, royal was able to elicit a tremen-
dous ovation from the crowd through his
brilliant drum solo, which contained a
number of patterns that rotated. When it
was Abbasi’s turn, he tuned his guitar to
sound like a sitar, bringing the fusion be-
tween East and West on display even
closer. An unexpected highlight came
when it was De Rosa’s turn – the
Acoustic Bass is typically not the instru-
ment that drives the audience crazy, but
De Rosa managed to impress with the
dexterity of his fingers to maneuver the
not-so-nimble instrument.
And it wasn’t just the solos that im-
pressed, either. Sriji and royal combined
their percussion skills (traditional and
contemporary, respectively). The two
saxophonists, Mahanthappa and Gopal-
nath, both played with a style that re-
flected both American and Indian
cultures. The string instrument players,
Kanyakumari, Abbasi, and De Rosa,
backed up the saxophonists. It all
melded superbly, and left the audience
with seven individual performances to
remember, which were part of the one
group performance that brought it all to-
gether.
The performers were not related, but
a name like “Kinsmen” suits the Dak-
shina Ensemble perfectly. By blending
together Jazz and Carnatic music, Ma-
hanthappa and Gopalnath made East
and West one.

Richard Park Islanders Hockey Star Keynotes SBU Citizenship Ceremony

R
by Yina Chun and ing the Minnesota Wild, Mighty Ducks of also includes two game-winning goals with his family. He explained that sports
Chetan Prabhudesai Anaheim, Philadelphia Flyers, and the against his former team, the Flyers. wasn't important to him until when he
Oct 20, 2007 team that drafted him in 1994, the Pitts- "Richard exemplifies the type of char- was a little bit older. He was inspired to
ichard Park might acter players we want to be New York Is- play hockey when his sisters took up ice
appear to be just an landers," says Islanders General skating. With his passion for hockey, he
average Korean Manager Garth Snow. "He's a team-first crosses lines of both Korean and Amer-
guy, with an above-average guy who plays with his heart on his ican culture, making the tie between his
build. However, it might be sleeve and battles every shift." In his family and his career inseparable. "For
surprising to find that he is tenth NHL season, he has already me to take up a sport [hockey] that my
actually a professional scored three goals and eight points as of family had no idea of what it was, it was
hockey player – certainly this writing (putting him on track for a ca- bringing our whole family into a different
not a typical career path for reer high), and signed a contract exten- culture."
most Asian-Americans. sion keeping him on the Islanders The tremendous energy Park has put
Park plays Right Wing for through 2010. into his career is inspirational and we
the New York Islanders, We spoke to Park when he came to can all take something away from it. One
and recently signed a con- Stony Brook University to give the bit of advice Park gives to anyone Yin-
tract extension with the team. He was burgh Penguins. He has also had the keynote address at the Citizenship Cer- who has a passion for what they do is to
born in Seoul, South Korea, and he is honor of playing for the U.S. team in the emony, where more than 100 new citi- “just get out there and have fun”. Com-
the second Korean-born person to play 2002, 2004, 2005, and 2006 World zens in the Stony Brook community ing from someone like Richard Park,
in the NHL. Championships, as well as the 1994 and were sworn in with the oath of U.S. Citi- these words take on a life of their own
Since scoring a goal in his very first 1995 World Junior Championships. Park zenship. The ceremony was held at the and hopefully will lead from one succes-
NHL game in 1995, the 31-year old Park is coming off his best season points-wise Charles B. Wang Center. sor to the next - and more Asian Ameri-
has been playing professional hockey in the NHL, in which he scored 26 points Park was born in South Korea; at the cans in sports like hockey.
for well over a decade, for teams includ- (including ten goals) in 82 games. This age of three, he came to the U.S. along
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 18 N 4 Dec. 2007 Weekly meetings Wednesdays 5:00PM at our office in Student Union 071.
 4 Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Editorial Board
The The Business Editor
Bryan Hasho
editorials
Managing Editor
Rebecca Kleinhaut
Associate Editor
Never Trust Your
Alex H. Nagler
Business Manager
Adina Silverbush
“Production” “Manager”
Board of Trustees
Jesse Schoepfer
When something goes wrong at theaveragecollegestudent,whoisgen- levelemployeesofLongIslandUniver-
No News Is Good News StonyBrook,studentsareusuallyout erally uninformed about the happen- sity.Attendantsatthemeetingweretold
James Laudano
Matt Willemain forthebloodofPresidentShirleyStrum ingsofthehigherpowersoncampus, theBoardofTrusteeswasunavailable
Kenny.However,here’swhattheyneg- everythingseemedfine.However,boil- thatday;theywereeventoldthatreal
Features Editor lecttorealize:ifitweren’tfortheBoard ingunderthesurfacewasanunshake- estate mogul Roger Tilles, who was
Jonathan Singer ofTrustees,Shirleywouldneverhave able problem. Southampton College’s servingontheBoardatthetime,was
Arts Editor takenoffice. budget deficit was growing, and the playinggolf.
Madeline Scheckter SUNY’s Board of Trustees is the amountofmoneythatitwasborrowing Needlesstosay,SouthamptonCol-
Photo Editors
governing body that okays your fromotherLIUcampuseswasbecom- legelearnedthehardwaythatitisim-
John ‘Caboose’ O’Dell diploma.Theyhavethepowertoelect ingunmanageable.Duringthesummer portant to keep tabs on the Board of
Roman Sheydvasser and demote the presidents at every of2004,studentsatSouthamptonCol- Trustees.Luckily,Southamptondidnot
campus.Feelingcramped?Theyregu- lege received letters from FedEx in- reachitsexpectedfateasthesitefornew
Copy Editors
Alex Berkman latetheflowofadmissions.Areyoulost formingthemoftheimpossible:their McMansions;however,hundredsofstu-
Nick Eaton inthelabyrinthofDECrequirements? collegewouldnotlivepastthefollow- dents lost their degrees, their money
Katie Knowlton They regulate your curriculum. The ingyear. andtheirhome.
Editor of Juicy Board of Trustees is involved in the Understandably,Southamptonstu- Now, with parking fine increases
GC mostessentialdecisionsofyourcollege dentswantedanswers.Mostofthemdid andanexpectedtuitionhikeoffiveper-
career. notevenknowthatthecollegewashav- cent, the importance of tracking the
Webmaster
Chris Williams Sowhyisitthatnobodyknowsthey ingmoneyissues.Finally,LIU’sBoard agendasandinternalchangesofthose
exist? of Trustees was called out, and they whoshapetheSUNYsystemispreva-
Audiomaster Onemightarguethatkeepingtabs scheduledameetingtocomespeakto lent as ever. We have a two-tiered
Vincent Michael Festa
ontheBoardofTrusteesliesatthebot- thestudents,facultyandparentsonthe trusteesystem.TheentiretyofSUNY
Ombudsman tomofthelistofimportantthingsin Southamptoncampus. (sixty-fourcampuses,countingallcom-
Sam Goldman life.However,ourownlittlesistercam- Aftermonthsofreschedulingtheir munity colleges and Cornell three
pusinitspre-StonyBrookSouthamp- meeting, fliers finally went up with a times)isoverseenbythesystemwide
Minister of Archives tondays,sufferedfromacaseofapathy dateinFebruary.TheAvramTheater BoardofTrusteesinAlbany.Sincetheir
Alex Walsh
regarding its own Trustees, and the wasunusuallyfullasunfamiliarfaces responsibilityissovast,theyarerepre-
Distribution Manager campusclosedin2005. tooktheirseatsatthefootofthestage. sentedbylocaltrustees.AtStonyBrook,
David K. Ginn Hereishowithappened. Allwasrelativelypeacefuluntilonestu- thelittleknownStonyBrookCouncil,
Layout Design by Stony Brook Southampton was dentaskedthemembersoftheBoardto chairedbyDickNasti,actonbehalfof

Staff
Jowy Romano onceSouthamptonCollege,asatellite introduce themselves. The audience theSUNYtrustees.VisittheSUNYand
campus of Long Island University, quicklydiscoveredthatthepeoplesit- SBUwebsites,takealookattheirfaces,
whichwasfoundedbyQuakers.Itoffi- ting in front of them were not the andmakesuretocalltheirbluffwhen
ciallyopeneditsdoorsinthe1960’s.To trustees;theywerevariousotherlower thetimearises.
Najib Aminy Antony Lin
Kotei Aoki Cindy Liu
Ross Barkan
Shaun Bennett
Andrew Bernstein
J............C
Douglas Cion
Whiskers T. Clown
Cat Lund
Tia Mansouri
Mariana Martins
Leeza Menon
James Messina
Jamie Mignone
Diabeetus Revisted
Jessica Cordero Steve McLinden
Caroline D’Agati Dana Murray WhothehellisWilfordBrimly,and goddamnit.Theworldhasgonetohell Head On Apply Directly to the Fore-
Alisha D’Andrea Ben Van Overmeire
Joe Donato Rob Pearsall whyshouldIcareifhehasdiabeetus?I andwe’rejustsittingherewatchingWil- head. Head On Apply Directly to the
Michael Felder Andrew Pernick
Joe Filippazzo Jon Plaisted
meanseriously,thereareworsethings ford Brimley talk about how Liberty Forehead. HeadOnApplyDirectlyto
Amelia Fischer Jon Pu intheworldthanWilfordBrimly’sdia- MedicalSupplycansaveyoumoneyon theForehead. HeadOnApplyDirectly
Andrew Fraley Matthew Rammelkamp
Jamie Freiermuth Nirmala Ramsaran beetus.Imean,like,theCookieMon- yourdiabeetustestingsupplies.What to the Forehead. Head On Apply Di-
Ilyssa Fuchs Kristine Renigen sterdoesn’teveneatcookiesanymore. thehellisdiabeetus?GoawayWilford rectlytotheForehead.
Rob Gilheany Berta Rezik
Joanna Goodman Dave Robin It’sridiculous.TheCount?Hecounts, Brimley.
Stephanie Hayes Joe Safdia
Marta Gyvel Natalie Schultz
buthedoesn’tsuckblood,he’savampire
Mo Ibrahim Scott Silsbe
MC 900 Foot Jesus Rose Slupski
Elizabeth Kaplan Amberly Timperio
Alexander Kahn
Olga Kaplun
Jack Katsman
Shirley Strum Kenny
Larry Lamb
Lena Tumasyan
Marcel Votlucka
Alex Walsh
Brian Wasser
Ed Zadorozny
Write for e P!
The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during
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The Stony Brook Press
E-mail your letters to sbpress@gmail.com
Radio Free Stony Brook
One of the real gems in terms of
universityexpressionandlifestylecan
befoundonthesecondflooroftheStu-
dentUnionbuildinginroom266.Itis
therethatoneofStonyBrook’smostvi-
brantsubculturescanbefound;Stony
BrookUniversity’sradiostation,WUSB
90.1.Withstudents,alumniandcom-
munitymemberstaskingtheairwaves,
WUSBisaparamountexampleofthe
artisticpotentialandprowessouruni-
versitypossesses.
Amicrocosmoftheradiostation’s
collective talent can be found every
Monday evening/Tuesday morning
frommidnightto3am.Thatparticular
slotisfilledbyDJPhantom,DJ151,Ike
InfamousandtheirshowStreetFM.For
thosethreehours,WUSBpipesoutthe
DearEditor:
InatownnearAlbequerqe
Livedamostconcernedyoungboy
HesaidlatelyIhavenoticed
Folksdon’tlivewithpeaceandjoy
Withfrownsandworryontheirfaces
They’relostanddon’tknowwheretogo
HesaidI’llgetthepeoplestraightened
Byputtingonapuppetshow
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
Hesawthepeoplealllivedinfear
Hethoughtthatmaybethey’dlistento
Apuppettellingthemwhattodo
Youknowhegotsomestringandhegotsomewood
Hedidsomecarvingandhewasgood
Andfolkscamerunningsotheycouldhear
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
FirsthecarvedoutyoungAbeLincoln
Abewillteach‘emcivilrights
ThenakingnamedMartinLuther
Sothey’drecallhispeacefullfight
OldMarkTwain,hiswitandwisdom
Willsurelyshowthemlifeisfun
Buthesmiledwithsatisfaction
Whentheprinceofpeacewasdone
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
Deareveryone,
TomJonesgivesyouthemotherfuckingbusiness.
Bryan
5
letters
besthip-hopthatcanbeheardhereon arenumerousmoresuchasScreamthe
LongIsland.AlongwithPhantom,151 SoundonalternateTuesdaymornings
and Ike, the show features The First andDJCutSupreme’smidnightFriday
LadyFeliciaandGrownManTil,who show.
helporganizeandmaketheflowofthe However,theradiostationalso,un-
showallthemorebetter. fortunately, ranks among the most
StreetFMhasbeenontheairfor under-appreciated aspects of Stony
eightyears,andhasinterviewedmany Brook’scommunity.Whileseverestu-
celebrityartists,includingEminem.In dent apathy penetrates every facet of
addition to their radio program, the StonyBrooksociety,theradiostationis
StreetFMcrewalsohostspartiesand especially affected by it. The listener
openmicevents,aswellastheirown baseofWUSBisnotnearlyashighas
publicaccessprogramonchannel20, thestation’squalitywarrants.Yetcer-
“StreetFMTV.”Theirmottois“Weare tainlyifmorestudentslookedtowards
thebestthingonaMondaynightTues- shows like Street FM, and the many
daymorning,”andyouwouldbehard othersuperbprogramsonWUSB,the
pressedtoprovethemwrong. stationwould,onceagain,regainitsfor-
StreetFMisjustoneexampleofthe merglory.
manystellarprogramsonWUSB.There
Hesawthepeoplealllivedinfear
Hethoughtthatmaybethey’dlistento
Apuppettellingthemwhattodo
Youknowhegotsomestringandhegotsomewood
Hedidsomecarvingandhewasgood
Andfolkscamerunningsotheycouldhear
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
Nowhispuppetshowswereclever
Andhemadethepeoplelaugh
Whenhegotacrossthemessage
Towalkalonglifesopenpath
Theybuilthimhisownpuppettheatre
Deckedoutwithspotlightsyellowandred
Andthentheywrotehimupinallthepapers
Andthisiswhatthestorysaid
Itsaid...
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
Hesawthepeoplealllivedinfear
Hethoughtthatmaybetheywouldlistento
Apuppettellingthemwhattodo
Youknowhegotsomestringandhegotsomewood
Hedidsomecarvingandhewasgood
Andfolkscamerunningsotheycouldhear
TheyoungNewMexicanpuppeteer
Sincerely,
Mr.TomJones
 6 Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
features
Off-Road Engineers
By Cat Lund
e Stony Brook Seawolves are
known throughout campus as one of
SUNY'sdivisiononesportsteams.But
wehaveheardofanotherStonyBrook
success:theMudwolves.
eMudwolveshavebeensteadily
climbingthroughtheranksinoff-road
vehiclecompetitionsoverthepasteight
years.Since1999,whentheteam'scar
placed 57th, they have risen to third
place this year in the South Dakota
competition.
Led by senior mechanical engi-
neering major Jean Christian Brutus,
president of the team, and professor
Lin-ShuWangofthemechanicalengi-
neering department, the Mudwolves
team designs, builds, tests and races
Bajastyleoff-roadvehiclesforcompe-
titionsacrossthecountry.
eteamhasaboutfiymembers.
Comprised of graduates and under-
graduates,mostlyguysandafewgirls,
theteamisanextracurricularactivity
forengineeringmajors.
Brutus said that he first started
buildinggo-kartswhenhewasakidin
Haiti.“WhenIheardabouttheMud-
wolvesteamasafreshman,Ithought,
‘OfcourseI'lljoin,’”hesaid.
FundingfortheMudwolvescomes
from a large number of different
sources.Outofthe$30to$40thousand
thattheteamneedstocoverparts,tools
andthetripsouttocompetitions,about
twothirdscomesfromtheUndergrad-
uateStudentGovernment,andtherest
comesfromsponsors.eCollegeof
EngineeringandAppliedSciences,the
undergraduateresearchoncampusat
StonyBrook(URECA),PoletechFlag-
poleManufacturer,Polarisoff-roadve-
hicles,andGailHabicht,VicePresident
ofResearchatStonyBrook,theStony
The Little Penguin and Me
By Alex H. Nagler
In celebration of the seventy-fifth
anniversary of the repeal of prohibition,
I decided to purchase a bottle of wine
for myself. Being cheap, I decided I
wasn’t going to spend more than ten
dollars on this bottle, as I simply don’t
have money to piss away on wine. This
was a beverage to be consumed slowly
with a meal, not something to pour in a
shot glass and consume quickly, like
my usual vodka. This was wine, and
damned if I was going to pay too much
for a bottle of merlot.
Upon entering the store, I was im-
mediately drawn to the display for “The
Little Penguin,” a 2004 Merlot from
Inside the Features section-
Tuition Increase?
Page 7
Brook Mechanical Engineering De-
partment, President Kenny,  Provost
RobertMcGrath,andBriggs&Stratton
are this year’s  “platinum” and “gold”
sponsors.eyalsohavetwenty-four
silversponsorsandelevenbronze.
Eachyear,theteamspendsonese-
mesterdesigningthecarandthenext
semesterbuildingit.eteamworks
onthedesignofthecarfortwentyto
thirtyhoursperweek,andoverseventy
toeightyhoursaweekfabricatingthe
Giving those logs the business.
carinthespringsemester.“It'salways
alotoffun,butalotofhardwork,be-
causeweallhavetobalancehomework
andschool,aswellasbuildingthecar,”
Brutussaid.
MikhailGordeev,aveteraninhis
fihyearontheMudwolves,andthe
team’sdesignmanager,saysthattheen-
tire process is a team effort. “I’m in
chargeofmakingsureeveryoneonthe
teamparticipatesinallaspectsofthe
production of the vehicle,” Gordeev
said.
WilliamDavis,atransferstudent
from the Air Force Academy, knew
about the Mudwolves long before he
Australia. The website (www.thelit-
tlepenguin.com) describes this vintage
as a “deep, brilliant red. Freshly ripe
strawberries and juicy blackberries en-
tice the palate into a meandering river
of black fruits and spice.” I knew noth-
ing of this description when I saw it. To
me, all that mattered was that it was six
bucks and it had a penguin on the label.
I was instantly sold.
Having returned to my dorm with
my bottle, I opened it, removed the
cork, and let it sit for approximately
twenty minutes while watching Scrubs
online. I then poured myself a glass
with which to watch 30 Rock, took a
sip, and could not be more delighted
with what I had purchased.
For a six-dollar wine, this is worth
Thursday is Movie Day!
Page 8
camehere.“IrememberwhenIvisited
Stony Brook in high school that the
Mudwolves team was here. While
doing mechanical engineering at the
Air Force Academy for three years, I
participated in similar projects, but
nevercompeted,”Davissaid.“Lastyear
when I transfered to Stony Brook, I
knewI’dendupwiththeMudwolves.”
AttheendofMay,theteamloaded
up car number fiy into the Stony
Brookmotorsportsboxtruck,todrive
SB Motorsports
outtoSouthDakotafortheBajaoff-
roadvehiclecompetition.eyloaded
upthetruckwithsparepartsandtools.
AdvisorsBobMartinandHenryHon-
ingman,bothprofessorsofmechanical
engineering,drovethetruckouttothe
competition.estudentteamhopped
aplanetoDenver,rentedfourvans,and
drovetothecompetitionsiteinRapid
City,wheretheystayedforthreedays.
Judgedinseveralcategories,theve-
hiclesarecritiquedontheirdesignre-
port, which includes the team's sales
presentationanddesigncost.eyare
alsoevaluatedbasedonthevehiclesac-
celeration,maneuverability,hillclimb,
every penny. I have had far superior
wine, but these wines cost much more
than six dollars, and for what I paid, it
was delightful. Deep red in color, its
bouquet smells of cherries, vanilla and
a slight hint of pepper. Rich in texture,
it tastes of the aforementioned vanilla,
as well as cherry with a light buttery
sensation. The aftertaste is a lovely
earthy feeling that lingers long after the
wine is gone, but it is worth it. As
everyone who I let sample it com-
mented, this does not taste like six dol-
lars worth of wine. It could most
definitely pass for a wine costing twice
to three times as much.
Here’s to you, Little Penguin. What
started as yet another penguin themed
object to decorate my room turned into
The Suck-olian
Page 10
rockcrawlandendurance.
“It’s always really intense during
competition,”Gordeevsaid.“You’real-
waysreadyforsomethingtogowrong,
buthopingitwon’t.”
All vehicles on all teams are
equippedwithaten-horsepowerIntek
modeltwentyengine,donatedbythe
Briggs&StrattonCorp.
Judges from Honda ranked the
SouthDakotacompetitions.Atanother
competition in June, where the team
went to Rochester, New York, the
judges were from Toyota. e team
placedtwentiethatthiscompetition.
“e Toyota judges liked smaller
cars,andourswasalittlebiggerthan
everyoneelse's,”Brutussaid.
is year's vehicle overcame a
numberofproblemsduringcompeti-
tion,butstillprevailed.
“We blew two tires during the
SouthDakotarace,whichreallyslowed
usdown,andinourRochestercompe-
tition, we flipped the car a few times
andbroketheaxle,”Brutussaid.
eimprovementoftheteamcan
becreditedtoexperience.Manyteam
membershavebeenontheteamfora
fewyears.
“People who've been here a few
yearslearnwhatgoeswrongandwhat
mistakesnottomake,”Brutussaid.“We
alsolookataboutahundredothercars
atthecompetitionandgetideasfrom
that,too.”
is year's vehicle is a work in
progress. Its design should be com-
pletedinDecember,anditshouldbe
fabricatedandbuiltbytheendofthe
spring semester. With expert design
skillsandalittleluck,theteamhopes
to place first next year in both their
western competition in Illinois and
mid-westerncompetitioninMontreal.
an enjoyable evening of good wine.
Oh, and as a disclaimer: Don’t
drink and drive. Or be an idiot with
your liquor. Some of us are trying to
enjoy it, not pound an obnoxious num-
ber of “brewskies.”
Alex H. Nagler is totally 21. Seriously.
The Stony Brook Press Features 7
E-mail The Press at
Want your club/organization to be featured in a future Club Spotlight? sbpress@gmail.com

theBoard.DonaldBoyce,theStudent setat3.4%,meaningthatfeeswillcon- creases in fees,” Boyce told his fellow

By Rebecca Kleinhaut
eSUNYCompactPlan:Compact
Dorms,EmptyWallets
Despite the expected surge in ac-
ceptedapplicationsforthe2008school
year,studentswillfaceanothertuition
increasetocomplementtheircrowded
dorms.
OnNovember29,theSenateofthe
Undergraduate Student Government
(USG)passedaresolutionagainstthe
proposedtuitionincreasethatpassed
throughtheBoardofTrusteesearlierin
the week.eBoardofTrusteespro-
posed that in-state tuition should in-
creaseto$4,570,withoutofstatetuition
risingto$11,140peryear.
USG President Joseph Antonelli
draed the resolution aer SUNY’s
BoardofTrusteesapprovedthetuition
increaseaspartofaproposedspending
planforthe2008-2009schoolyear.e
resolutionexpressedAntonelli’sdiscon-
tentwiththefinancialplan,forwhathe
believesareindeterminateideasforthe
additionalspending.
“Wecannotwholeheartedlysupport
anincreasewithoutadefiniteplan,”said
Antonelli.
eplan,nicknamed“SUNYCom-
pact,”passedoverwhelminglythrough
Assembly President and only student sistentlyriseatthisrate.Feescanalso trustees.“Icannotsupportthistuition
trustee,wasthelonedissenteropposed increaseonthebasisofneed,andevery hike.”
to the plan. Trustee H. Carl McCall, individual campus has
whoisarecentadditiontotheBoard, thepowertosetitsown
abstainedfromthevote. fees.
SUNYCompactisdescribedonthe Insteadofusingin-
SUNY website as “a partnership be- creasedtuitionasatool
tween SUNY, the state, students and to fund new projects,
major stakeholders that will provide President Antonelli is
comprehensiveandconsistentfinancial pushingforthestateto
supportforSUNY.”eplanhopesto increase their SUNY
implementsmalltuitionincreasesintu- funding.
itionoverthenextfewyearsinaneffort “estateshouldbe
toavoidexcessivelylargejumps,suchas pickingupthetab,”said
the28%tuitionhikein2003.ispast Antonelli.
inconsistentgrowthratehasbeende- With its passage
scribedas“tuitionroulette.” through the Board of
AccordingtoChiefFinancialOffi- Trustees, SUNY Com-
cerKimberlyCline’spresentationtothe pact will move to the
trustees,financialbudgetingwouldin- New York Legislature
cludeanincreaseinfull-timefacultyfor for further voting.
allSUNYcampuses.Itwouldalsoin- Whetherornotthein-
clude more than $500 million for creaseintuitioncanbe
“GreeningSUNY”andprovidingenvi- justified remains to be
ronmentalsustainability. seen.
Anincreaseintuitionwillalsobe “Ifullysupportthe
complementedwithanincreaseinfees, many initiatives of the
suchasaboardingfee,mealplanrates, o p e r a t i n g
andtheStudentActivityFee.esefees budget…[but]thebur-
increaseeveryyearduetotheHigher den of increased cost
EducationPriceIndex(HEPI),which hasalreadybeenplaced
gaugesthecostofcollegeeducationon on the SUNY student
anannualbasis.Currently,theHEPIis population with in-

Nathan Shapiro to Race in Kentucky Derby

By Skip Tracer
Inaunanimous15-0voteonurs-
day, the USG has decided to send
NathanShapirototheKentuckyDerby
toraceforthegold.Shitcannotbemore
ironicthanthis.
“NathanShapirohasrepresentedus
andmadeuslookgoodforUSG,sowe
proposed to send Nathan Shapiro to
bringhomethecup,”saidJoeAntonelli,
presidentofUSGandheadSoprano.
Inanotherunanimousdecision,the
USGhasalsovotedtotakeawayfund-
ingfromtheStonyBrookCatNetwork,
SBVAC, and the College Democrats,
plusaportionofthestudentactivities
fee, to send Nathan Shapiro to the
ChurchillDownsandhavehimracein
thederbythisspring.
“Great, so where are we to send
sick,le-leaningliberalfelineswithout
health insurance?”, complained Nick
‘Pussy’Eaton,staffwriterandjohnde-
faceroftheStonyBrookPress.
emovetosendNathanShapiro
totheKentuckyDerbywasanotherway
to promote Stony Brook University’s
50th Anniversary celebration besides
usingbanners,mascots,andre-painting
the Zebra Path as if it were a White
Stripescandy-coatedChristmasfantasy
land.
eoverallreactionofallapathetic
Stony Brook students campus-wide,
whenlearnedofthismeasure,wasmet
withaveryloud,astoundinginternal
silentanger,andwasfinishedoffwith
studentsnotgivingadamnandlocking
themselvesintotheirrooms.
However,onestudentwasactually
pissedoff.
“Itisappallingandextremelyun-
justifiablethattheuseofstudentmoney
wouldbefilteredthroughtheuniver-
sity and end up at a Republican con-
spiracytotryandkeeptheminpower
thatwouldoppresstheentirenation,”
quotedMattRammelkamp,amember
ofNYPIRGashewaseatinghisKFC
anddrinkinghisCoca-Colabeforehis
gunwastakenawaybygun-controllaws
passedbyDarthVader(R-DeathStar)
andwaskilledbyJedistormtroopers.
“OK,thatlastparagraphwassonot
funny,”addedJonathanSinger,feature
editorofthePressandteammemberof
NYPIRG.
MintJuleps,aKentuckyDerbytra-
dition,willbeservedbygenuineKen-
tucky colonels posing as Starbucks
art-fagsandbesoldatthederby,where
Stony Brook students will be able to
purchasethemontheiroverpricedmeal
plancardforthelowpriceof$2,450.00,
upfromacharitable$1,000servedin
2006,courtesyofChartwell’s.
OddsforNathanShapirolookvery
goldenasoddsare4-5thathewillwin
thederbyandmaygoontoaccomplish
theTripleCrown.NotsinceAlysheba,
SeattleSlew,orSecretariathasahorse
drawn so much attention, press, and
unicorn love. e trifecta, if hit, will
onlygarnerameasly$5.95,youcheap
bastard.
Asforwhothejockeywouldbe,In-
dependent Brian O’Raechly may be
verywillingandable.
“Hey,he’shunglikeahorse.What
canIsay?”O’Raechlyadded,whoplans
torideNathanShapirounopposed.
“If-if-if Nathan Shapiro doesn’t
win…theKentucky…Derby,thenI’llset
thewholebuildingonfire,”saidMilton
ofOfficeSpace.
NathanShapiro,VicePresidentof
USG,wasextremelyupsetuponlearn-
ingofthevotethathewentonamass
vetospreeandvowedtoupgradefrom
Shapiro’sGaveltoor’sHammerLevel
60,notbeforesettingaGuinnessWorld
Recordforhittingagavelmoretimesin
aminutetothepointofmasturbation.
“isisarealsickearlyAprilFools’
jokewhichwasprobablyorchestrated
bytheUSGonbehalfofRobertJ.Ro-
mano,”saidShapiro—straightfromthe
horse’smouth.
Otherwordsandphrasesnotused
inthisarticleduetoplacementbutrel-
evantanywayare‘nohorsingaround’,
‘get off your high horse’, Gary Dell’A-
bate,‘AManCalledHorse’,and‘reverse
cowboy’.Dingdong.
 8 Features Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Food For Thought
Yes, Alex. I did notice.
-- The Press

This Thursday: Films of Student Power

By Najib Aminy
Theindividualholdsthepower
to speak, but does said individual
have the power to be heard? The
group holds the power to be heard,
but what about the power to act?
Throughouthistory,itwasgreator-
ganizationskillsandmassparticipa-
tion that allowed both voices to be
heardandactionstobeacted.From
the Boston Tea Party, to the Civil
Rights March, to the countless
protests that go on today, numbers
andorganizationarethefoundation
toprogressinanycause.Asstudents,
theabilitytoessentiallygetup,stand
upandfightforourrightshasgrown
ever important, yet difficult at the
sametime.Ourrightsarecontinually
beingchallengedinnewwaysandon
differentdays.However,aone-man
armycanshoutandscreamfortheir
causeandexpecttoseelittleresults,
whereasanorganizedarmyofmany
expectsnothingbutresultsandmore.
Sowhathappensifyouareinterested
ingettingyourvoiceheard?Orwor-
riedaboutgettingyourrightstaken
away?Orifyousimplyjustwantto
getinvolved?
EnterStudentsforaDemocratic
Society(SDS).“We,asanorganiza-
tionandindividuallyasachapter,are
tryingtocreateasocietyinwhichall
people have equal access to the re-
sources, education, protection, and
libertieswhichareaffordedtousin
the Constitution,” says Jeremy
Crucetti,PresidentoftheSDSchap-
ter of Stony Brook. SDS provides a
forumforstudentstocollaborateon
beliefs,ideas,andcauses,andtojoin
together to create solutions to our
problems.Unalignedwithanypoliti-
cal party, SDS hopes to implement
societalandpoliticalchangesthrough
democratic programs of education
andactivismthatwouldbenefitthe
country.
TheSDSplanstoenactsuch
aprogramofeducationonThursday,
December6,bypresentingaseriesof
moviesthatwilleducateviewerson
theimportanceandeffectsofstudent
activism. Entitled “Reel Radicals -
StudentActivismandDocumentary
Film”theSDSwillshowthreemovies
thataimatsparkingstudentaction.
ThefirstofthethreeisThe Corpora-
tion,amovieabouttheriseofcorpo-
rateconglomeratesandtheireffects
on society and the world we live in
today.Thesecond,The Weather Un-
derground,isabouttheriseandfallof
“TheWeathermen,”amilitantfaction
ofSDSintheseventiesthathopedto
bringtroopsbackfromVietnam.Es-
sentially,thepurposeofthismovieis
toexpress the radical aspect of stu-
dent activism, explained Crucetti.
ThethirdmovietobeshownisThe
Port Huron Project,astoryofpromi-
nentstudentactivistsinthe1960’s.
The purpose of this event is to
bring awareness to the student
movementandpresentachance
forinterestedstudentstolearn
more about the evolution of
studentradicals.Inaddition,
theSDSaimstorevealand
explaintheimportanceofa
powerful,yetsilent,commu-
nity. This community has the
abilitytochangethewaythings
are done, politically, socially and
economically.Thisgroup?Students.
TheSDSalsoplansonremovingthe
stereotypeofstudentradicalsbeing
flagburning,potsmoking,treehug-
ging people. Rather, they hope to
showcase“studentswhostandupfor
whatisrightratherthanwhatiseasy.
Students who stand on the side of
those who cannot stand for them-
selves, rather than those who stood
onotherstoprosper”,saysCrucetti. thevoicesheardandtheactionsseen.
On Thursday, December 6 in Thetimeisnowforalltogetupand
SAC Room 303, from 12:00 to 4:00 stand up for their rights, because if
pm,studentscanattendandnotonly you have yet to hear it through the
become educated, but also be in- grapevine, the rise of student ac-
spired. Crucetti says, “We truly be- tivismmayshootthesheriffofinjus-
lieve that the student movement in tice,butalsokeepthedeputyofrights
theUnitedStateshasunlimitedpo- andequalityalive.Allittakesisone
tential, and the only thing that we steptobeginajourney.Inthiscase,
needisformoreandmorestudentsto thatjourneyisonetogetourvoices
get involved.”Ittakesonethoughtto heardforthegreatergood.
leadtovoice,onevoicetoleadtoac-
tion,oneorganizedgrouptogetboth

Lincoln’s Repeal
By Jon Pu
reescoreandfieenyearsago,
our fathers brought forth on this
continentanewamendment,con-
ceivedininebriationanddedicated
tothepropositionthatallmenare
createdwithaburningthirstforal-
cohol.Nowweareengagedinagreat
celebration, testing whether this
amendment, or any amendment, so
Art?I long conceived and so dedicated, can
longenduresobriety.
Wearemetinagreatpartyofthis
eatart! celebration.Wehavecometodedicate
aportionofthisfihofwhiskeyasa
Submityourart, finaldrinktothosewhoheregave
photography,short their infinite wisdom so that our
storiesandpoemsto drunkenanticsmightlive.Itisalto-
sbress@gmail.comby gether fitting and proper that we
rightfuckin’now,for shoulddothis.
inclusioninour But,inalargersense,wecannot
literar ysupplement dedicate—wecannotconsecrate—
we can not hallow—this drink. e
brave men, sober and drunk, who
drank here, have consecrated it, far
aboveourpoorpowertoaddordetract.
eworldwilllittlenote,norlongre-
memberwhatwesay(norshouldwe),
but it can never forget what they did
here.
Itisforusthethirsty,rather,tobe
dedicatedheretotheunfinishedbeers
whichtheywhodrankherehavethus
farnoblystarted.Itisratherforustobe
herededicatedtothegreattaskremain-
ingbeforeus—thatfromthesehonored
drunkswetakeincreaseddevotionto
thatcauseforwhichtheydrankthelast
full measure of vodka—that we here
highly resolve that these drunkards
shallnothaveboozedinvain—thatthis
nation, drunk under the table, shall
havearebirthofinebriation—andthat
alcoholofthepeople,bythepeople,for
the people, shall not perish from the
earth.
The Stony Brook Press
Want your club/organization to be featured in a future Club Spotlight?
Conspiracy: Inside the Teddy Bear Picnic
By Nick Eaton
Fewpeoplehaveinfiltratedthetop
secret Teddy Bear Picnic.  Fewer still
havelivedtotellaboutit.eannual
conference,heldbysomeofthemost
influentialpeopleintheworld,hasbe-
comethesubjectofnumerousconspir-
acytheoriesandurbanlegends,andit
has even spawned its own nursery
rhyme.  Much like “Baa Baa Black
Sheep”and“RingAroundeRosey,”
“eTeddyBearPicnic”holdssignifi-
cancebeyondthewhimsicalentertain-
mentitprovidesyoungchildren.Some
ofthedarkerelementsofthegathering
are highlighted in the lyrics to the
rhymewhichwarnchildrenwhowish
toviewtheTeddyBearPicnicto“goin
disguise”orto“notgoalone,”andthat,
infact,it’s“safertostayathome.”While
theselinesmayappeartobemeaning-
less rhymes, the dark and forbidding
tonesignifiesadeepermeaning.
It’s mid-November in Monte Rio,
California.Anunusualamountoftraf-
fic has built up around the Bohemia
Grovecampground,butby11:00pm,
DearIlyssa,
ismightsoundtoosimple,butIwas
wondering,wheredidthewordlesbian
came from? Because I heard it had
something to do with an island. And
howdiditbecomepopular?
anks,
Brett
DearBrett,
Asyoualreadyknow,theterm
lesbianreferstoafemalewho
ishomosexualorawoman
who is attracted to other
women.Youwereonthe
righttrackwhenyoumen-
tionedithadsomethingto
dowithanislandsoletme
explain.
ewordlesbiancomesfrom
theGreekIslandofLesvoswhichwas
formerlyknownasLesbos,wherethe
poetSappholivedin600B.C.Sappho
wasmarriedtoawealthyman,which
gaveherlotsoftimetoengagein“artis-
tic”pursuits.Eventuallyshebecamethe
leaderofagroupofwomenwhogath-
eredtoreadandwritepoetry.Sappho
was an intellectual and poet who not
mostofthepatronshaveunpackedand
settledin.ougharmedguardstake
posts about the perimeter of the vast
woodedarea,itisnotdifficulttospota
largebonfireinthedistanceanditsac-
tivityisilluminatedbytheglow.
isistheTeddyBearPicnic.
oughnopapertrailexists
(invitationsaremadein
personandnominutes
are recorded), it is
widely be-
lieved to
have been
founded by
none other
than president
eodore Roo-
sevelt, and it is
thought to host the
most powerful and
wealthy individu-
als in the world.
rough high-pow-
eredprismbinocularsonecanviewa
fewdozenindividualssurroundingthe
bonfire,donningwhatappeartobebear
skins.  Dangling from the trees high
abovethebonfireiswhatcanonlybe
describedasaholloweffigy,notunlike
onlyfantasizedaboutwomenbutwrote
many love poems to them as well.
MuchofSappho’spoetrydealswithre-
lationships between women from
friendshiptolovetosexualattraction.
Althoughitisunknownwhetherornot
Sappho actually had any
realsexualrelations
with women
orwhether
she just thought
aboutdoingso,itcametobeassumed
aerherdeaththatshehadbeenho-
mosexual.Onherfreetimeshelikedto
take long walks topless on the beach,
whilecheckingoutotherwomenand
solywhispering,“Suckmebeautiful”
apiñata.eeffigywouldbepractically
nondescriptifnotforthewords“Alex
Jones”scrawleddowneachofitslimbs.
Iftherealmofconspiracytheorieswere
baseball,AlexJoneswouldbeA-Rod.If
it were professional wrestling he’d be
ChrisJericho.Ifitwere…yougetthe
point.
eeventsarehardto
decipherwithoutaudio,butmuch
dancing and speak-
ingisinvolved.All
of the stages of the
meeting lead up to
the burning of the
Alex Jones piñata.
Upon cutting the
rope, the effigy
plummetsintothe
fire, immediately
bursting into
flames.  Bowling
ball-sizedflamesseem
tobeleapingandrunningfrom
the fire, and faint gunshots can be
heard.Aercarefulexamination,itap-
pearsthatthepiñatawasindeedstuffed
with small puppies attempting to flee
theareawhileburningalive.Members
ofthePicnicwieldingriflesandhand-
whilepointingatherperfectnipples(ok
maybethat’sgoingalittleoverboardon
mypart).Althoughmuchofherpoetry
wasdestroyedbyreligiousfundamen-
talists(wewillcallthemtheChristian
Coalition),thefewpoemsofhersthat
remainedclearlyshowedherloveand
infatuationforwomen.us,theterm
Lesbian,whichfirstmeant"aninhabi-
tantofLesbos",latercametoreferto
homosexual women.  e equivalent
term,sapphism,whichalsoreferstofe-
Features 9
E-mail The Press at
sbpress@gmail.com
gunsopenfireonthehelplesscreatures,
andthoughitishardtotell,itappearsas
iftheyarelaughingintheprocess.
Whocouldtakepartinsuchahor-
rendousact?Althoughitisbasedsolely
on what could be seen from afar and
cannotbeconfirmed,theattendeesin-
cluded:GeorgeW.Bush,DickCheney,
DonaldRumsfeld,JohnAshcro,Bill
Gates, Hugo Chavez, Shirley Strum
Kenny, Hillary and Bill Clinton, Joe
Lieberman, Noam Chomsky, Tucker
Carlson, Carson Daly, Kurt Loder,
Barack Obama, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt
Romney, Mike Huckabee, John Ed-
wards,DennisKucinich,ChrisDodd,
Joe Biden, Wayne Gretzky, A-Rod,
ChrisJericho,BruceLee,JeanClaude
VanDamme,BillyJoel,JoeyLawrence,
theentirecastofHighSchoolMusical,
yourmom,yourdad,anyonewhodis-
agreeswithAlexJones,thatkidthatsat
behind you in English and David K.
Ginn.
LittleelseisknownabouttheTeddy
Bear Picnic.  Even this peek into the
worldoftheconspiringelitehasputour
livesatstake.Perhapsinthefuturethe
truthwillbeuncovered…beforeit’stoo
late.
male homosexuality, arose approxi-
matelyatthesametimeas‘lesbian’.
Finally,itisunclearwhentheword
lesbian was first used to describe
womenwholoveotherwomen,butit
canbetracedbacktothe1800s.How-
ever,thetermdidnotcomeintopopu-
laruseuntilthelesbianfeministeraof
the1960sand1970s.Ifyouwouldlike
toknowthehistoryoflesbianism,that
isanentirelydifferenttopicwhich
Iwilltrytocovernextissue.
Yourstruly,
Ilyssa
Please Note: e
viewsandopinions
expressed in this
column are solely
theviewsandopinions
of one member of the LGBT
communityandarenotnecessarily
the views and opinions of the Stony
BrookLGBTAgroupand/ortheLGBT
community.
Ifanyonehasanyquestionsfeelfreeto
e-mail me at
AskaLesbian.SBPress@gmail.com
10 Features
Food For Thought
You know, if anyone ever looked at the placeholder Lorem Ipsum text, took the translation, and really thought about it, they’d realized Cic-
ero didn’t account for the rise of S&M in modern cultures. True story. —Alex H. Nagler
The Statesman : You Get Less For Your Money
By Alex H. Nagler
Your student activity fee is what
subsidizes clubs so they can spend
money on events that the student body
as a whole can enjoy. This $93 fee,
which you pay annually alongside your
tuition, is the lifeblood of clubs. Some
clubs find other sources of income to
subsidize their needs, using sponsorship
where applicable. For newspapers, this
sponsorship comes out of ad revenue.
A professional newspaper with profes-
sionally written content and a subscrip-
Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
tion base normally is approximately 50
percent ads. Major corporation spon-
sors pay for these ads, and they help the
paper sustain their standard of credibil-
ity and accountability. Normally, these
papers are not funded by a student
body. This, however, is exactly what
happens with the Stony Brook States-
man, the self-styled paper of record at
Stony Brook.
The Statesman receives $26,835
from the Undergraduate Student Gov-
ernment (USG) in direct pay, up dra-
matically from the previous term’s
$4,962. However, the Statesman Asso-
ciation Incorporated reported an in-
come of $165,493 to the IRS. This
gives the Statesman a total of $160,531
in non-USG related funding. Much of
this goes to pay their printing bill, but a
good portion is for payment to their ed-
itorial board. The Press, on the other
hand, receives $32,450 in funding from
the Undergraduate Student Govern-
ment. On average, approximately
$2,000 in ad money is received to help
subsidize extra costs, such as t-shirt
printing and computer upgrades. Also,
no one associated with The Press gets
paid with the exception of the Distribu-
tion Manager, as his job entails physi-
cally delivering the paper to the stands
throughout campus. Total income is not
reported as a separate corporation be-
cause The Press has its taxes done
through the USG and is part of a much
larger budget.
In Volume XXVI, Issue 1 of The
Press, former Executive and Managing
Editors Joe Filippazzo and Mike
Billings took it upon themselves to in-
vestigate the content of The Statesman,
dealing with their advertising content,
reprinted content (anything from previ-
ous issues), original content (staff pro-
duced content), submitted content
(non-staff material, content from major
newspapers and University press re-
leases) and other miscellaneous con-
tents, defined as “Anything else, i.e.
staff box, dead space, and, um, other
stuff.” Their findings highlighted that
the average issue of The Statesman in
2004 was 37 percent ads. This same
year, The Statesman reported $150,070
in income.
After deciding to see what changes
had been made in the past three years
under a new administration, I took it
upon myself to see what the current
state of ad content was in Volume LI of
The Statesman. Defining an ad as any
type of advertisement, such as house
ads, university sponsored ads, USG ads,
or outside sources, I combed issues 1
through 22 for any ad content. I then
took the number of pages of advertise-
ments in the issue and compared it to
the number of pages in total. For ads
smaller than a quarter of a page, I meas-
ured them and calculated using the mar-
gins used by The Statesman, how many
would count as a full page. Inserted ad-
vertisements, such as those for under-
wear, local eateries and movies were
counted as both one page of ads and
one page of the total issue. The results
of this study, in both chart and graphical
form, can be seen alongside this article.
The findings speak volumes. The
Statesman has an average issue of six-
teen pages of length, and is 42 percent
(roughly seven pages) of ads. Were
these seven pages of combined ads
seven total pages, the average issue
would have a page of advertising as
every other page. The Press, on the
other hand, averages three pages of
total ads (predominantly humorous in-
house ads) that span the course of a
twenty-eight page issue.
Students pay nearly $27,000 a year
for seven pages of paid advertising
from private companies, the USG and
the administration combined with lack-
luster journalism.
This is part one of a two-part story.
Hopefully, next term The Statesman
STATESMAN Continued on next page
The Stony Brook Press
Want your club/organization to get a fair piece of that sweet pie?
The Statesman...Continued
will have reduced its ad content or will
STATESMAN from previous page
at least request less money from the
budget when drafting its proposal to the
USG. The Senate was right two years
ago in reducing its budget to under
$5,000—enough to keep it a funded
club, but less than the amount needed
to help pay its editorial board.
Features 11
E-mail The Press at
sbpress@gmail.com
Oh shit!
Nagler gave
them the
In conclusion, I quote Joe Filip- few pages of garbage on a biweekly
pazzo, and restate the charge he made basis.”
in his article—“From this point for- Stay tuned for the second install-
business!
ward, The Stony Brook Press is the of- ment of this feature, coming this Spring
ficial newspaper of Stony Brook to a newsstand near you.
University. We have clearly proven our-
selves to be the best publication on Alex H. Nagler does too have original
campus while The Statesman has thoughts.
squandered student funds to produce a
12
arts&entertainment
No Country for Old Bitches, Bitches!
By Justin Meltzer
When running from a psycho-
pathickillerwithnoregardforhuman
life,afterhavingstolentwomilliondol-
larsfromadrugdealgonewrongand
carryingsaidmoneyinanunmarked
satchel,you’dbestbeonyourtoesatall
times.Thenewmoviebythewriter/di-
rector/producerCoenbrothersisatour
de force in terms of both force and
tours.No Country for Old Men opens
andstartstochoke,butitcomesback
withabang.Andnotjustone,either;
thismoviehasmorebangsthanIhad
withyourmomlastnight.Oh,snap!
The protagonist, Llewelyn Moss
(pronounced“Lou-Ellen”),playedclev-
erlybyJoshBrolin,isoutantelopehunt-
ingonedaywhenhestumblesupona
US-Mexicocrossborderdrugdealgone
awry.Hetracksdownthemoney,takes
itandruns.(Hey,freemoney,right?)
The AVN Awards: About and Analysis
By Madi Scheckter
ThefirstAVNAwardsweregiven
out in February 1983 (coincidentally,
exactlywhenIwasconceived).These
awards, of which fewer than twenty
weredistributed,werefarmorehumble
than the elaborate ceremony they are
today.Intheinterceding25years,the
awardsgrewintoaninternationalevent
worthyofbeingcalled“theOscarsof
Adult.”Therearethosewho,perhaps
takingtheAcademyAwardsquiteseri-
ously,willbalkatthatdesignation,but
havenoillusions:theAVNisthemost
prestigiousawardinpornographyand
toreceiveoneisanenormoushonor.
Thisyear,therewillbeover100awards
givenoutincategoriesasdiverseasBest
CinematographyandBestSquirtingSe-
ries (formerly Best Specialty Series,
Squirting).  The award statue itself is
quitetasteful,anartisticallyappealing
glasssculptureetchedwithanabstrac-
tionofacouple(aheterosexualcouple
onviewablesamples,thoughperhapsit
isdifferentforawardsinnon-hetero-
sexualcategories).
OnJanuary12th,the25thannual
AVNAwardswillbeheldattheMan-
dalayBayEventsCenterinLasVegas,
onceagainagrandfinishtotheAVN
AdultEntertainmentExpo,heldatthe
SandsExpoCenter.Theexpobeginson
January 9th for trade-only attendees,
and opens to fans the following day.
Whiletheclimaxoftheweekendisun-
doubtedly the awards ceremony, the
Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
This starts the ethical questions—
whetherornotheshoulddowhathe
does. He plays the role very calmly,
going home and, there, not paying
muchattentiontothefactthathejust
found two million dollars out on the
range.Whenhiswifeaskswhat’sinthe
bag, he simply says, “It’s a bag full of
money.”“That’llbetheday,”replieshis
wife;tothathecomesbackandhasto
restrain himself from smacking that
bitchclearacrosstheface.“Mindyour-
selfbitch,”hescreams…inhismind.In
Texasduringtheearly80’sitwascus-
tomaryforhusbandswholivedintrail-
erstohittheirwives.Itwasjustaway
oflife,likepotatoesaretoIrishmenor
opiumistotheChinese.
Asthestoryprogresses,weseethe
real star of the movie. Javier Bardem
playstheout-of-his-mindkillerwitha
tasteforbloodandnoconscience.Heis
AntonChigurh(pronounced“Sugar”)
and he is the equivalent of Charles
Manson,Al-QaedaandSweet-and-Low
expoboastsmanyattractions.Vendors
sellvideos,toysandnovelties,distribu-
tioncompanieshandoutpostersand
samples, andeventhebiggestindustry
starssignautographsandposeforpic-
tureswithfans.Ontopofthat,industry
memberscannetwork,negotiate, and
learn more about the industry.  The
eExpoholdsseminarsonlaw,technol-
ogy,marketingandthegrowingfemale
consumerbase.Althoughthetwoare
unaffiliated,itishardlycoincidencethat
theInternationalConsumerElectronics
Show overlaps with the expoAEE for
twodays.Pornographycanbeamajor
catalystintechnologicaldevelopment
anditthrivesinnewmedia—themost
obviousexampleofwhichliesinthein-
famous Rule #34—if it exists there is
pornofit.
TheAVNAwardshonorAadulten-
tertainersforachievementandartistic
developmentofthemedia.Notsur-
prisingly,anAVNcancatapultacrafts-
man or woman to superstardom.  To
understand the difference between
cheappornographyandthatwhichis
worthyofan“AdultOscar,”Iwatched
Stuntgirl, a2005winnerwhichturned
directorJacktheZipperintoa(porno-
graphic)householdname.
Thefilmopensinblackandwhite
withaheavilyeyelineredwomanlook-
ingthroughalargecut-outcircle,which
one can only assume is one of those
much-fabledgloryholes.Beforeany-
thing “adult” happens, it cuts to the
credits,shotinblackandredandremi-
niscentofoldfilmstock.Thisisfol-
lowed by a backlit woman dancing
Arts Calendar
“Swallow This” Performance
Dec 5, 12:50 pm, Union Auditorium
allinone.Yeah,he’sthatevil.Henot
onlydoesn’tthinktwicebeforekilling
them, he doesn’t even think once. To
somefolks,though,hegivestheoption
todecidetheirlifeonacointoss.Ifthey
callitright,theydon’tdie.You’dbetter
callitright,otherwiseyouknowwhat
willhappen.Didyouguessit?Yep,you
die!Inhisquesttoseizethestolenfor-
tune, he has to track down Llewelyn.
Fromthereitgetsnasty,especiallygiven
Chigurh’sweaponsofchoice;asilenced
shotgunandacattlegun.Believeme,
youdon’twanttoknow.
Themoviedeliversonsomanylev-
els.Itisultrarealistic,inthatpeopledie
whentheygetshotintheheadandhave
to heal their wounds when they get
grazed.Thestoryissolid;itisbasedon
the novel of the same name. Now, I
haven’treadthebook,butIbelievethat
theCoenbrothersdosuchagreatjob
onthisfilmthatI’msureitfarsurpasses
thenovel,andyoucanquotemeonthat
one.YouhearmeCormacMcCarthy,
beforeawindowlitinblue.Becauseit
islooselyframed,onegetsthesenseof
enteringaroominwhichthisishap-
pening.  These shots, which belong
moretotherealmoferoticathantothe
realmofporn,areimmediatelyfollowed
byatightly-framedshotofahalf-naked
womanspreadeagleand,finally,doing
somethingpornographic(i.e.,playing
withherself).Thissceneisshotwitha
bluefilter,givingitarathercoldlook—
the“NewYork”stylefromwhichJack
the Zipper will soon depart.  The
womanislookingatthecamerawithan
expression both lascivious and chal-
lenging,daringthehornyconnoisseur
tocontinuewatching.Thisexpression
canbeseenonallthewomenwhoap-
Film Screening: Talk To Me
Dec. 7, 9:15 pm, Staller Center
yousuck!Well,youhalfsuck,forifit
weren’tforyouthemoviewouldn’thave
happened.Butyoustillsuck.
Thisfilmhasitall;violence,money,
drugsandmorebloodydeaththanyour
mom on her period. I highly recom-
mend to everyone that they see this
film.Forthosewhoarefansofbrilliant
movies, this one truly delivers. And,
mightIaddthatIfeelJavierBardemis
thebaddestbad-asstohaveevergraced
thesilverscreensinceAnthonyHop-
kin’sHannibalLecterorJohnTravolta’s
character in Battlefield Earth…wait,
scratch that last one. Javier Bardem
wouldhavekilledhiminthefirstthree
minutes of that movie. In fact, that
wouldmakeaperfectremake.Icansee
itnow,RogerChristianandtheCoen
BrotherspresentBattlefield Earth The
Directors’ Cut – The Three Minute Ver-
sion.
pear in solo scenes in Stuntgirl, a re-
freshingchangefromthecoy,childish
looksoneseesinmorecheaply, orless
tastefullyproducedwork.
Mr.ZipperJtZmakesuseofexperi-
mentalfilmtechnique,andrunsback-
wardsfootageofherwalkingdownthe
hallway.Oneisthendisorientedbya
fast pan down a non-descript brick
buildingtosurveyatoplesswomanlift-
ingupherskirtinanalleyway.Wethen
returntothewomanfromthehallway
asMr.ZipperJtZfilmsfromabove.The
cameraworkimpliesdomination,but
thewomangrinsupatthecameraand
PORNO Continued on next page
The Stony Brook Press
Now in Theatres
No Country for Old Men Ginn v. R-Kamp: The Spoofening Stuntgirl
The AVN Awards Continued
PORNO from previous page raraarefilmedinwarmtones.Mr.Zip- filterusedonthefilm.Althoughit,of
exposesherbreasts.Thissortofmixed perdoesnotfilminthe“disembodied course,oftenfocusesonhervagina,and
signalbetweenactressandfilmictech- pussy” style often seen in hardcore theemphasisisonhernakedness,she
niqueissomethingMr.Zipperdoesin- pornography; he often filmsing from hasaraw,powerfulenergy.Thedance
credibly well, and it is often just as thehips(orlower)up.Heoftenshows isreallyratherempoweringtowatch.
disorientingashisoftensurrealstyleof Venus’facialexpressions,emphasizing Theteaseofthedanceisfollowed
shooting. theimportanceofherenjoyingtheex- by what is perhaps the most surreal
Thesequickscenesarefollowedby perience.  Fades from shot to shot, sceneinthefilm,anintensedream-like
twoevenfastershots,bothofwhichare ratherthanquickcuts,giveitasoft,wel- sequencewhichhasbecomeMr.Zip-
beautifully shot and go by quickly comingfeeling.Thefilmmakesuseof per’sspecialty.Thisscenewasfilmedin
enoughthattheyarenearlysubliminal. non-pornographicreactionshots,such the Green dDoor, a sex club in Las
Thesearefollowed as close-ups of Vegas, on Valentine’s Day during a
bymyleastfavorite Venus’ face or a swinger’sorgy.Whatthecameraisfo-
sequence in the simple twitch of cusedonisallthatislit,andthelighting
film,anincredibly herfoot.Overfive isstark,likeaspotlightwithoutafilter.
disturbingscenein minutes into this By using time lapses and montage,
whichaboundJes- hardcore sex quickdisorientingmovement,andby
sica Jaymes hops scene,forexample, speedingupthefilm,thefilmtechnique
downahallwayin there is a shot of addstotheclubatmospherethatisfur-
a hotel in New Venus’ cleavage – therbolsteredbytheclubmusic.After
York.  Her make- she is still in her thefrenzyinthemainportionofthe
up is smudged all bra and a fishnet club,thereiscalminamoreprivatearea
over her face and shirt.  Stuntgirl oftheclub.JtZMr.Zipperusesslow
shelooksterrified. epeniswasherebeforewe makes use of not pans, fade transitions, and ethereal
It is difficult to croppeditoutofthepicture. only sex, but also musictoimplyrelease.
imaginethisscene thatwhichissexy. Fromhere,JtZMr.Zippertakesthe
beingappealingtoanymanorwoman Hardcore shots are more focused on viewer to Hollywood for a punky
whoenjoysconsensual sex,butonecan- movementdownthecurvesofherbody girl/girlgirl-on-girlscenewithKimberly
notdenythatitaddstotheoverallsur- thantheclassic“behindtheballs”shot, KaneandJessicaJaymes.Aftertheirsex
real atmosphere of the film. whichnooneloves. scene,inwhichJaymesdominatesKane
Furthermore,itispartiallydiffusedat After the Venus and Manuel (whichpersonally,Ifoundboring),the
theendofthescenewhenshelaughs “moneyshot,”thereisaquickshotofa film changes to black and white and
and jokes to the unseen cameraman. beautiful, sinister woman in a blood- KurtLockwoodpurposefullyentersthe
This scene perhaps tells the viewer spatteredshower,oneoftheshotsthat room.KurtLockwoodisatalentworth
moreabouttheauteur’spersonalemo- madeJtZ’sMr.Zipper’sstylesoappro- lookinginto;Ipersonallyamafanof
tions towards the great state of New priate for the Razordolls’ film debut his,partiallybecausehelookslikeJon
Yorkthanittitillates:heisanativeNew (2006’sRazordolls). Bon Jovi and  Richie Sambora had a
Yorkerwhocurrentlyresideselsewhere. InaJames-Bond-inspiredscene,a baby together and I’ve always been a
He, quiteclearly, wasentirelyfinished womanwearingonlyjewelrydancesfor hugeBonJovifan(makeyourownplat-
withthisgreatstate. thecamera.Onegetsthesensethatshe inum-selling 1986 Bon Jovi album
WedepartfromNewYork,andar- is enjoying and in charge of her own joke).Thissceneisshotmainlywith
riveinbeautifulLasVegasattherather sexuality.  The scene appears to take warm tones, but several frames are
seedy Del Mar Hotel.  In this award- placeinsomeone’sbedroom,givingthe shown in black and white.  Kimberly
winningscene,VenusandManuelFer- sceneanintimatefeelinspiteoftheblue Kane,thoughbehavingsubmissivelyto-
Top Television Shows For the Week
From the TV Guru
FridayDec.7 left this season.  If you need a great
By Andrew Bernstein Friday Night Lights -NBC-9:00pm- showtowatchonFridaynight,thisisit.
This amazing drama is in its second Youcanalsowatchfullepisodesofsea-
season, and it is one of my favorite sontwoonlineatnbc.com.
ThursdayDec.6 showsontelevision.Basically,it’sabout SaturdayDec.8
Survivor: China -CBS- 8:00 pm- asmalltowninDillon,Texaswhoall Saturday Night Live -repeat-NBC-
Thisisthefifteenthinstallmentofthe lovetheirhighschoolfootballteam,the 11:30 pm- I know this isn’t a new
SurvivorFranchise,andI’vebeenhear- DillonPanthers.It’snotjustafootball episode,butit’sworthwatchingagain.
ingthatthisseasonisoneofthebest show.  This show is more about the ThisepisodeisthebestofWillFerrell,
onesinawhile.Ithinkthefirstseason playersandtheirfamiliesinthetown. whowasoneofthefunniestcastmem-
wasveryentertainingandthesecond Thewritingissuperb,theactingispow- bersonSaturday Night Live inthelate
wasalsoverygood,butIdidn’treally erfulandreal,andthecastisextremely 90’s.Heportrayedsomegreatcharac-
watchthenexttwelveseasonsbecauseI talented.Thisshowdidn’tgethighrat- ters;youprobablywillseehimplayAlex
hadbetterthingstodoandtheshowgot ingslastyear,butitwassocriticallyac- TrebekonCelebrityJeopardy,President
repetitiveandboring.Idoknowthat claimed,theyearnedanotherseasonon Bush,JamesLipton,andmore.AllIcan
theratingshavedroppedconsistently anewnight.Sofarthisseasontherat- sayis,Ithinkweneedmorecowbell.
witheachpassingseason.Youcanalso ingsarenotthatgood,buttheydohave SundayDec.9
watchfullepisodesonlineofthisseason aloyalfivetosixmillionfanbase.This Sunday Night Football -NBC-8:15
atcbs.com. showwasverypreparedforthewriter’s pm-Areyoureadyforsomefootball?!
ThefinalewillbeonDecember16. strike,sothereremainsevenepisodes TheIndianapolisColtsfaceoffagainst
Arts & Entertainment 13
Dinty Moore: Stew to Remember
wards both Lockwood and Jaymes, is
oftenfilmedwithherfaceatthetopof
the frame, once again an example of
JtZ’sMr.Zipper’semphasisonfemale
pleasureduringtheactsdepicted,and
emphasisthatsubmissiveandconsen-
sual are not mutually exclusive.  Al-
thoughLockwoodisthemalepresence
inthescene,andmostpornshowsex-
cessivemaledomination,itisclearthat
Ms.Jaymesiscallingtheshots—yeah,
includingthemoneyone.
The closing credits are perhaps
what depart most from bargain-bin
porn.TheyrollwhileactressTinaFa-
talecavortsinashower,fullyclothed
andheavilyarmed.Sheposes,laughs,
looks coyly at the camera—generally
behavinglikeabeautifulbadass.Sheis
filmedinblackandred,givingthecred-
itsasexy,dangerousatmosphere.Al-
mostentirelyunexpectedinadultfilm,
thoughbecomingmorecommon,the
musicisactuallygood,particularlythe
songduringthecredits.
Usingthisfilmasanexample,itis
clearthatgoodpornographyemploys
elementsoferoticaaswellasthethings
whichthat make compose hardcore
porninordertoshowcasethatwhich
makessexsomethingpeoplewanttodo.
Mr.Zipperusesexperimentalfilmtech-
niquetodisorienttheconsciousanden-
ticethesubconscious.Thewarmtones
inwhichmostthefilmisshothavea
comfortable, welcoming feel—just
watchsomeHGTVifyoudon’tgetthat.
Stuntgirl is porn, there is no denying
that;itisalsoart,andthatiswhatmakes
itworthyofanAVN.
the Baltimore Ravens.  The Colts are
doingalotbetterthantheRavensthis
season,butitstillshouldbeanexciting
game.TheColtshaveaverypowerful
offenseledbyPeytonManning,andthe
Ravenshaveoneofthebestdefensive
teamsdespitealacklusteroffense.
MondayDec.10
How I Met Your Mother -CBS-8:00
pm-Thisshowisthefunniestsitcomon
television.  The comedy has a truly
funny cast that includes Neil Patrick
HarrisasBarney,AlysonHanniganas
Lily,andBobSagetasthenarratorand
olderTedfromthefuture.Thisshow
hasitsownstyleofhumorwhichmakes
itnewandoriginal.Suitupandwatch
thiscomedy.Youwon’tbesorry.
14 Arts & Entertainment
Billboard’s Top 4 Albums
1 Syriously Syrian
Warria
An Epic Battle:
Beowulf versus 300’s Leonidas
By Douglas Cion
(This is my opinion. Hear what I
havetosayaboutitthenfeelfreetode-
cideforyourself.)
Itisalwaysfuntoseethenarrative
of a famous or historical warrior, but
doesanyoneelsebesidesmeeverpon-
derquestionslike,“Whoisthebigger
badass”or“whowouldwininafight?”
Yeah, Alien vs. Predator attempted to
answer that for us with possibly the
worstspin-offoftwomoviefranchises
ever,butsometimesitisbetterleftupto
theimaginationandtheopinionofthe
audience.
Theyear2007usheredinnew,rev-
olutionaryideasintheartoffilmmak-
ing. New adaptations of
cinematography, with Zach Snyder’s
300, and following in its footsteps,
Robert Zemeckis’ Beowulf in 3D at-
temptingtogiveus“somethingdiffer-
ent.”Letusnotgetcaughtupwiththe
actualfilms…Letustalkaboutthechar-
acters.Theyareverysimilarfilmsbe-
cause they portray iconic figures, but
seriously,who kicks the most ass?Witha
competition consisting of ten cate-
gories,letusseewhorankshigherin
theeliteB.A.M.Fs.(Sorryforthetaste-
less Dane Cook reference…but most
likelyyouareafanofhisifyouareread-
ingthisarticle.)
1. BestHair
Withthebushyblack-as-the-night
braided hair of Leonidas against the
golden,straightflowofBeowulf ’ssurfer
haircut,thisawardhastogotoBeowulf.
Doesanyoneelserealizethatwithall
thefightingandbattlingBeowulfdoes
inthefilm,hisperfecthairpartisnever
messedup?Iwonderwhatconditioner
hehasinGeatlandthatkeepshishairso
straightandperfectlikethat.Iassume
Leonidasdidnotconcernhimselfwith
dailyhygiene.
2.BestPhysique
Handsdown…Leonidas.Evenwith
the3D,Beowulfwasstilltoopuny.He
looked like he could fit in a size two
dressforhisSweetSixteen.(Heisavery
pretty man).Hedidhaveadecentsix-
pack,butjustlookatthecoverofthe
DVD box for 300. Leonidas’ six-pack
hasasix-pack.Morethanbeach-mus-
clebicepcurlsforthisSpartan.
3.BestScream
Could you imagine eating at a
Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
2 My Hand Is Like A Shark Fin
The Coolest of J’s, L’d by L’s
restaurantwiththesetwoatyourtable?
Idonotthinkeitheroneofthemknows
themeaningof“indoorvoice.”Thedia-
logues of both films are very strong
sounding and they consisted of one
knockout,powerfulstatementafteran-
other.However,thebestscreamhasto
go to Beowulf. Technically, when
LeonidasscreamedbeforeXerxesatthe
end of the film, it was muted by the
voiceoverofthenarrator.Therefore,we
never hear his scream, and we heard
enoughyellsandgruntsfromBeowulf
thatwecouldfillthediegetictrackofa
porno.
4.BattleCry
ItwouldbeadrawifLeonidasdid
nothavesomany.Beowulftrulymakes
himself known with, “I am Ripper…
Tearer…Slasher…Gouger. I am the
TeethintheDarkness,theTalonsinthe
Night. Mine is Strength…and
Lust…andPower!I am Beowulf!”This
maybethetoughestofallcategoriesto
decide,butLeonidas’“Thisiswherewe
hold them… This is where we
fight…Thisiswherethey die!”plusthe
iconic “This…Is…Sparta” is just way
toobooyahhhhforBeowulf ’svocalre-
sume. “This…Is…Sparta” in my eyes
willremaininiconicvalueforeverwith
oneslike,“I’llbeback,”“YippieKyeYay,”
“Lifeislikeaboxofchocolates,”“Iam
yourfather,”ohyes,Icouldgoonfor-
ever.
5.Tagline/Catchphrase
Eachfilmwasadvertisedandpro-
motedreallywell.Previewswerebeing
shownforbothmoviesintheaterstwo
seasonsbeforetheirboxofficedebut,
andinternetmarketingplayedasignif-
icantrolewith300. Thequestionhere:
whichtaglinewasabetterportrayalof
3 Popcorn-Ass Play
Baltimore Ravens
theplotofthecharacters?Was“Prepare
for Glory” a better representation of
LeonidasandhisactionsthanBeowulf ’s
“PrideistheCurse”?Iwouldreallyhave
tobeonsomethingillegalifIdidnot
saythatthisonegoestoLeonidas.Hisat
leastgivesapositiveperspectiveonthe
narrativeofthefilm.BigBadBeowulf
comes off more like Negative Nancy
withawhinytaglinelikethat.
6.Queen
Sparta’s Queen Gorgo takes the
cake on this one. Beowulf ’s queen
(Wealthow)didnothingthatimpressed
me. Sure, she can play the harp and
sing,butdoyoureallythinkthatiswhat
Beowulfwasinterestedin?Hell,helit-
erallygotnakedrightinfrontofherbe-
forehisbattlewithGrendelandsheran
off.Now,QueenGorgowasoneofthe
sexiestcharactersIhaveseeninafilm
inalongtime.Notonlywasshecom-
mittedtoherhusbandandhisideals,
butshewasalsowillingandopentotry-
ing certain things.  Think about that
oneforamoment.
7.GoldenVillian
Ohyeah,eachfilmhadagold guy.
They also were bad guys too…these
filmsmayhavemoreincommonthenI
originally thought. Grendel’s Mother,
theSeaWitch,andXerxesbothwerere-
lentless,brutalanddeliveredmoresex-
ualinnuendothanallthreeAmerican
Pie moviescombined.Okay,calmdown
kids…youseeAngelinaJolienaked(in
amatterofspeaking).Iswear,Iknew
therewassomethingspecialabouther
body;Ijustdidn’trealizehowshinyit
was.KudostoBeowulffordoingitwith
the hottest sea creature since the The
Little Mermaid, andthatiswhythiscat-
egorygoestohim.
4 Streetz Art
Young Warria
8.SlowMotionAction
Ohhellyeah!Whatisbetterthana
gory,bloodybattlesceneinwhichafew
incredibly jacked men slaughtering
hundredsofno-namedextras?Slowing
itdownsoyoucanreallyseehowawe-
somethesceneis.300…absolutely300!
Leonidas,inparticular:Iwillneverget
enoughofbadguysrunningintoyour
shieldoryouthrowingyourspearatthe
speedofan80-year-oldwomandriving
ontheSouthernStateParkwayatnight
whenitisraining.
9.Army
Leonidas’armyofSpartansversus
Beowulf ’sGeats…Ionlyneedtwoex-
planationsforthisone.First,Spartans
areSpartans.Second,Geatsjustsound
silly.
Withoutanydoubt,aSpartanPha-
lanxwouldcrush,destroyandslaugh-
teranarmyofGeatland’sfinest.
10.WhoWinsinaFight?
Theoneyouallhavebeenwaiting
for…
In the red corner, weighing in at
250lbswithoutarmor,fightingoutof
Sparta,Greece,TheKingoftheSpar-
tans:Leonidas!
Inthebluecorner,weighinginat
140lbswitharmor,fightingoutofGeat-
land,(somewhereinSweden),theman
withsomanynicknamesthatIrefuseto
saythemall:Beowulf!
Iwillhatemyselfforeverbecauseof
thisone,butIamsadtosaythatBe-
owulfwouldwininafight.Therewould
benouseofweaponsamongstthetwo;
it would just be a no-holds-barred
brawl.Yes,Ihavemockedthesizeand
portrayalofBeowulf,buthedoeshave
anadvantageoverLeonidas.Thereisno
evidencethatthecharacterknownas
Beowulf is a representation of a real
person. Therefore, he is an epic, fic-
tionalcharacter,whichallowshimtobe
granted supernatural things like
strength,speedandendurance.Hecan
swimfromonecountrytoanother,hold
hisbreathforhoursatatimeandhehas
thestrengthtoripamonster’sarmoff.
There is a documented Leonidas in
Greekhistoryand,therefore,hispor-
trayalhadtobehumanized.Thatiswhy
hecouldnotmatchuptoBeowulf.
Inconclusion,300 isstillinmytop
fivefavoritemoviesofalltime,andBe-
owulf comesnowherenearthattome.
Enjoyallthecomplimentsandvictories
IgaveyouoverLeonidas,Beowulf;your
moviestillsucked!
The Stony Brook Press
Inside the Opinion section-
Serious Art Critique, or Shameless Self Indulgence?
Page This One
Yellow-Colored Consternation: An Examina-
tion of Societal Struggle and Macromedia
By James Laudano
Press Art Critic
Contemporaryartpridesitself,par-
adoxically, on both its topicality and
alsoitscompletelydesultorynature.Of-
tentimes,apostmodernyoungartisthas
towrestlebetweenmakinghisorher
workmeaningfulwhilealsokeepingit
completely non-conforming and
“fresh.”Weoenseesuchabalancing
actgoawrytodaywiththemanypopu-
larpiecesofworkthattheartcommu-
nity—and society in general—just
simplydoesnotunderstand,regardless
ofhowhardtheytry.Itisthisconflict
that Matt Willemain, an up-and-
comingartistwithseeminglylimitless
potential,tacklesheadoninhislatest
opus,simplytitled“First.”
emediumusedbyWillemainto
createthispieceisnoneotherthanthe
popularinternetformat,Macromedia
Flash.In“First,”Willemainshowsusa
brightyellow,pseudo-sphericalentity
slidingacrossthescreenatanapproxi-
mately35-degreeupwardangle.When
thisentity(let’scallhimJoeDowntrod-
den,orjustJoe,fromnowon)reaches
his destination – a point nearly one-
thirdacrossthewidthofthewebpage–
we hear an exasperated, somewhat
pained utterance: half exhale, half
grunt.enitends.ewholeprocess
clocksinatjustoverthreesecondslong.
Asfortheactualmeaningbehindthis
piece…well,thatwarrantsalittlemore
explanation.
By making this piece of work,
Astro-Nuclear Physics But No AirNet?
By Ilyssa Fuchs
Ifyou’relikemeandyourlaptopis
attachedtoyourbodyatthehip,you
absolutely love the fact that almost
everywhereoncampusyouhaveaccess
to AirNet, Stony Brook University’s
wirelessnetwork.Onalmostalllaptop
computersthathavewirelessnetwork-
ingcards,(assoonasthereisanetwork
withinreach),yourcomputerautomat-
icallyconnectsyoutoitandthenallyou
havetodoissignintoAirNetinorder
toaccessprettymucheverythingonthe
internet(except,ofcourse,peer-to-peer
filesharingprogramssuchasLimewire,
becauseGodknowsthepowersthatbe
wouldn’twantyoutoillegallydownload
orsharefiles).
Overthecourseofthissemester,my
Willemainhasprovideduswithartthat
isripewithallegory.Forexample,the
slightlyangledupwardascentthatJoe
undergoes, while only three seconds
long, is indicative of the struggle of
everydowntroddenoroppressedindi-
vidual.Onecantakeitanotherstepand
saythatJoe’sclimbisanallegoryforthe
difficult quest of entire ethic and so-
cioeconomicgroupstoreachfullequal-
ity.WhenJoereacheshisdestination,he
letsoutthatunique,painedgrunt.Once
again, Willemain provides us with a
viewintosocietalstrugglebydemon-
stratingtous,throughthatgrunt,that
whenthedowntroddenandforgotten
finallydoreachequality,theyhaveno
choicebuttoletoutacatharticexhale
of their conquered frustrations and
tribulations.However,allisnotwellfor
Joe, for aer he reaches this plane of
equality, he is simply “refreshed” by
theviewerandsentonhisdifficult
journey again. at is one of the
manybeautiesofWillemain’spiece.
You,theviewer,refreshthewebpagein
ordertowatchthiswonderfulworkof
artoncemore,onlytoagainknockJoe
downintopovertyandpain.Willemain
istellingusthatitiseveryone,notjusta
few,thatholddowntheoppressedand
under-privileged individuals in the
world–andyouarejustasguiltyasthe
next person to discover this piece of
work. Willemain is aware that by re-
freshing this webpage you really just
wanttoseeJoe’sworkoncemore—you
want to be educated again. However
wellintentionedyouare,youserveto
harm Joe. By making this decision,
laptopandIreallyhavebecomebud-
dies.Ibringhereverywhere,andshe’s
alwaysthereforme.ToobadIcan’thave
sexwithher;well,thatisifyoudon’t
countinternetporn.Ihavenoticedthat
althoughAirNetisaccessibleinade-
centamountofplaces,itisn’tavailable
everywhere.Oneofthoseplacesthat
AirNetisneveravailableisthePhysics
building.  I have two classes in the
Physicsbuilding,andIalwayshaveto
anticipatesavingPDFsandLexisfiles
beforemyclassstartsbecauseIknowI
won’thaveanywirelessthere.Iknow
everyoneisprobablytiredofmecom-
plainingaboutthings,buttome,this
wholesituationisjustironic.
Before I transferred to Stony
Brook,Iwasanengineeringmajorat
BinghamtonUniversity.Fortherecord,
Ihatedeveryminuteofitandhardly
everwenttoclass.However,onthefew
Eyeballin’ The Future
Page 16
Willemain provides us with a para-
mountexampleofthefamousphrase
“eroadtohellispavedbygoodin-
tentions.”
Wealsofind,uponcloserexamina-
tion,thatJoeisadisconnectedindivid-
ual. Literally. e line that forms the
sphere,servingasbothJoe’sheadand
torso,isnotconnectedattheend.Itis
leopen,signifying,perhaps,thatthe
oppressedpeopleoftheworldarenever
trulycomplete.eunderlyingsocietal
difficulties they face force them into
being disjointed, broken individuals.
OneshouldalsonoticethatbothofJoe’s
feet—conveyedbytwoshoe-likebrown
shapes—arebothtwo-dimensionaland
rightwardfacing.is,clearly,signifies
that Joe is always moving in
only one direction—upward
and,inthiscase,totheright.He
cannotchangehiscourse,andis
forcedtohaveaone-trackmind
tosimplysurvive.Finally,wenotice
thatJoehasasmileonhisfacethrough-
out his journey. is tells us that Joe
Downtroddenisagoodmemberofso-
ciety. He consciously chooses to be a
coginthemachine.Heputsonahappy
face,howeverpainedhetrulyis,sothat
hedoesnotupsetsocietyasawhole.He
isa“trooper,”sotospeak.
Butdoesitallwork?DoesWille-
mainsucceedindeliveringhismessage?
Short answer: yes. Long answer: per-
haps not. With all of the above tech-
niques,Willemainconveyshismessage
withsomesuccess.Buttheworkofart
haslittlestayingpower.Ifearthatthe
art community will forget this piece
rare occasions I did attend class, I
learnedonemajorthing;physicsisone
ofthedrivingforcesbehindcomputers.
Withoutphysics,computertechnology
wouldn’texist,andIwouldn’tevenhave
alaptoptodragallovercampus.With
thatsaid,Ifinditextremelyfunnythat
in a building where experiments are
donewithnuclearparticles,andastro-
nuclear physics is taught, there is no
wirelessinternetaccess.ecommon
personwouldthinkthatoutofallthe
buildings that wouldn’t have internet
access,Physicswouldbethelastone,
and they would be wrong.  As a side
note,Iamnowapoliticalsciencemajor,
soitiseasyformejusttosavethefilesI
needforclassbeforeshowingup.Ionly
havetwoclassesinPhysicsanyway,but
Ihadtotakeastepbackandwonder:
whatdophysicsmajorsdowhenthey
wanttoaccesstheinternettolookup
15
opinion
within a year or so; there is little
“oomph”init.Exacerbatingthisfaultis
Willemain’s ill-advised choice to use
MacromediaFlash.WhileFlashisin-
deedpopularthroughouttheInternet,
it is rarely, if ever, used as an art
mediumtoday.And,unfortunately,the
lackofpunchinthespecificworkofart
preventsthisdatedmediumfromserv-
ingasa“fresh”ormemorableartistic
choice.
ereisalsotheissueofthework’s
title,“First.”Personally,Ifeelthatthe
title “First, Middle, and Last” would
havebeenmorefitting.Aerall,Joe’s
strugglecomesnotonlyfirst,interms
ofpriority,duringhisdailyroutine,but
alsopermeateseveryothermomentof
his life. Naming this work “First” de-
tractsfromtheoverallmessageofJoe’s
unendingstruggletorisethroughthe
ranksofsociety.
Whiletherestillremainafewminor
questionsthatonlyMr.Willemaincan
answer,wedoknowthatthispieceis,
for now, successful in plucking our
heartstringsandmakingusfeelforJoe
Downtrodden.epiecehasitsdefi-
ciencies,butitisstilloverallsound.Like
Pierre Schaeffer, Clement Greenberg
andRenatoPoggiolibeforehim,Matt
Willemain succeeds in using avant-
gardemeanstoconveyhismessage.He
deservesapplause—albeittentativeap-
plause—forhisefforts.
IfyouwishtoviewMr.Willemain’s
“First” you can find it at the website
http://www.mendax.org/users/mvwx/
oldflash/first.html.
somethingforsomecrazyparticleac-
celerating experiment that I would
never understand? eir laptops are
useless when it comes to the internet
andthePhysicsbuilding.isseemsto
be a problem that really needs to be
fixed.eschoolshouldconsiderput-
ting some of our money towards ex-
tending AirNet to everywhere on
campus, so that we can access
Wikipedia and Blackboard no matter
whereweare(nottomentionourFace-
bookaccount,ourMyspace,oure-mail
andourbuddylists).Wearepartofthe
wirelessgeneration.Wirelessforall!
OthernotableplaceswithoutAirNet
orwithlowconnectivity:PsychA,the
fih floor of the Library, the second
flooroftheSAC,andinsidetheclass-
roomsinJavits(wirelessworksinthe
lobbybutcan’tpassthroughthebrick
walls…orsoI’vebeeninformed).
16 Opinion Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press.
Ignorance is No Longer Bliss
I am an indi-
vidual who holds
littlefear.Ilaughat
clowns, sleep in
the dark, and
think spiders are
okay. Not great,
Najib butokay.However,
Aminy Ihaverealizedthat
what I fear is my
ownarrogance.Yes,ignoranceisbliss,
but persistent ignorance is arrogance
andasignofstupidityandimmaturity,
simplythestubbornnesstobewillingto
learn.IrealizedthiswhenIheardafew
studentsconversingoverHillaryClin-
ton’slatestdropinthepolls.Ingeneral,
Ithinkverylittleofthepoliticalrealm,
asitisnothingmorebutanopenforum
forthewealthyandpowerhungrytolie,
manipulate, and corrupt the sacred
worldinwhichwelive.SoIintrudedin
theirconversation,voicingmyviewthat
politics is the devil’s game and such.
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, who is to
know?
What is known is that the 2008
electionraceisheatingupascandidates
arebecomingmorevocalandaggres-
sive.WiththenotoriousIowaCaucus
comingupJanuary3;andFebruary5
markingSuperTuesday,thedaywhere
nineteenstateswillbedeterminingboth
theRepublicanandDemocraticcandi-
date,itseemsasifthecoalisnowbeing
shoved into the engine of political
Berkman to World: Don’t Hit the Ladies
ByAlexBerkman
OnThursdaynight,Nov.29,Iwas
sittinginmyhousewatchingtelevision
when I came across something very
disturbing.
While channel surfing, I found
TNAprofessionalwrestling.Isawa
man,whowentbythenameChristian
Cage, forcefully holding a woman
(wholookedveryfrightened)byher
upperarmswhilethreateningherwith
physicalviolence.Withhisfaceclose
enough to her’s to tell what she had
eatenlast,hespewedsomenonsensi-
calstorylineaboutbeingscrewedover.
After finishing his apparent line, he
pushedheraway,leadinghertoyell,
“Getyourhandsoffme!”andexited
theroom.
Not only is TNA and Spike TV
puttingsweatymeninspandexontel-
evision, but they are now showing
viewersthatviolencetowardswomen
isacceptable.
WhetherornotthisCagecharac-
terwonorlostaboutthatnight,hisac-
smearing,advertisementsandappear-
ances.Allonecandoissimplywatch
theblacktrainoflies,corruptionand
two-facedcandidatesrollonbyuntila
candidateischosen.
Yet,asthebillowofdeceptionisleft
risingintothenation’sairwaves,weas
students—as Americans and as peo-
ple—havetheabilitytovoteandchange
the course of history. History. Look
backintothesepasteightyears,andsee
how much has changed. Despite
whether our beloved President Bush,
Fuhrerofthefreedomland,Premierof
theAmericandream,Czarofdemoc-
racyandthefreeworld,wasrighteous
in his actions; the world has forever
beenchangedbyhisdecisions.Whether
weaspeople,societyorhumanityac-
ceptorrejectit,hisfootstepsarestill
there.
Iamnotpromotingacampaignof
“VoteorDie”(bitches)asPuffDaddy,
SeanCombs,P.Diddy,orMr.“IThink
IamHotShitbutCan’tComeupWith
anOriginalSongifmyLifeDepended
On it” did. Rather, I am emphasizing
that,collectively,thestudentpopulation
haspotentialtobethearbiterastowho
winsthisupcomingelection.
This,however,iswhereignorance
comesintoplay.Isattherelisteningto
twostudentsconverseandagreeover
thefactthatHilarywasgoingtoloseto
Obamasimplybecauseofapoll.Apoll.
Apollthatchangespossiblyeveryother
tionstowardsthatwomanarewrong.
It is especially disturbing when the
viewers of professional wrestling are
week, that means very little, but the
media loves to amplify. A poll that a
majority of the student population
knows little about. This is where the
problemlies.Theproblemoverknowl-
edge.
HereIam,watchingtheRepublican
debate, attempting to sort out right
fromwrong,liefromthetiniestbitof
truth,politicianfromcandidate.Then
ithitsme:Iknownothing.Idon’tknow
muchaboutanyofthecandidate’sposi-
tions.Hell,therearesomepeoplethatI
didnotevenknowwererunning.AsI
amlisteningtothe debate,Ibeginto
formulate the frontrunners from the
restofthepack,alongwithafewdark
horses.Butinthebackofmymind,I
amawarethatthisistheveryfirsttime
I am learning the stances of many of
thesecandidates.
Now the writer’s strike does not
help, for I have lost my hour of bliss
withbothJonStewartandStephenCol-
bert, in which I attain a significant
amountofknowledgeabouteachofthe
candidates.Butwhatthisalsomeansis
thatImustdevotemoretimetoactually
reading and researching more about
thesecandidates.Iamreluctanttocon-
form and jump on the Obama ban
wagonformanyreasons.Idon’tbelieve
thehype,IquestionOprah,andsimply
put,Idon’tknowwhathestandsfor.All
IhearaboutisthatHillaryisdoingthis,
andObamaisdoingthat.FromtheRe-
considered.
ThepeopleIhavemetinlifelead
metoapproximateafewthingsabout
Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060
publicanside,Isimplyhearthemgoing
at each and bashing the Democratic
Party,specificallyHillary.
Iloseinterestandmoveonwithmy
day.Lifegoeson.Butthen,ahorrific
enlightenment: I realize I am not the
onlyone.Infact,Iamsuretherearea
goodmajorityofstudentshereatStony
Brookandnationwidethatknowvery
littleifanythingatallabouttheelection.
Whatscaresmeisthatweasstudents
havethecapabilitytomakeasignificant
differenceinhowthiscountrywillbe
run,butthatmanyofuswillfailtoact
oracthastily.Myself,Ilacktheknowl-
edge to make such a decision about
whomtovotefor.Forothers,itcouldbe
thelackofwilltovote,orsimplytheig-
norancetomakeadecision.
Thefutureliesintheeyeofthebe-
holder.Theracetothe2008electionis
far underway, and though it is not a
sprint,itisanenduranceraceinwhich
moneyisshed,notsweat.Thegoalisno
medal,rathertheOvalOffice.Thekey
towinning:sellyoursoultothedevil.
The ambition: greed and desire for
power.Thechoiceastowhowinsthis
battle royal lies in our hands. If one
choosesnottovote,okay.Ifonedoes,
one must be knowledgeable. Not to
sound cliché, but with great power
comesgreatresponsibility,andsuchthe
righttovotecomestheresponsibilityto
beeducatedandwiseinsuchadecision.
Tomorrowstartswithtoday.
professionalwrestlingviewers.They
areyoung,ignorantorboth-andall
areobviouslyimpressionable.Apor-
trayalofviolenceagainstwomenwith-
outrepercussiontoanimpressionably
stupidaudienceiswrong.
I understand the argument that
professionalwrestlingisfakeandit’s
onlyentertainment,butthatdoesn’tfly
here.Cagegrabbed,shookandthreat-
enedthiswomanbackstage,notinthe
wrestlingringduringamatch.
Idon’twantforittoseemasifI’m
onthecensorshipbandwagonwithJoe
LiebermanandTipperGore,butvio-
lence against women is wrong.  The
leastthatTNAcandoforputtingsuch
garbageontelevisionistoshowCage
receivingagloriousbeat-downforhis
actions.
MaybeI’mtheonlyonewhofeels
thisway.Iwasraisedtorespectevery-
onewhodeservesit,neverdiscrimi-
nateandneverharmwomen.Shame
onTNAandSpikeTVforputtingsuch
anactonaregularlywatchedtelevision
program.
The Stony Brook Press
Bert Scott is a fucking flag eater! Number 57 ain’t havin’ it.
What Matthew Rammelkamp Didn’t
Tell You About Illegal Immigration
With the ex- veilingthis(not-so)secretNewWorld
ceptionoftheno- Order.ere.I’vesuspendedmydis-
tion that the belief.  So, now, what’s the solution?
powers that be Haveyouawarehouseofweaponsand
havepurposefully, vehicleshiddenaway?Amade-from-
andsofarsuccess- scratchsupercomputerandahightech
fully,madesignifi- team of subversive geniuses clicking
Nick cant and away, monitoring the Globalists and
Eaton calculated strides tracingcallsattheBilderberg?Where
towards world isthisundergroundandhowcanIjoin?
domination, Matthew Rammelkamp I’ll post on your message boards and
(whose commentary appears in issue joinyourmailinglist,putupflyerson
fiveofe Press)andIagreeonalotof campusandwritearticlesfore Press.
key issues regarding illegal immigra- Dowehaveacoolacronymforaname?
tion.Whatheseesashyper-intelligent Yousee,Ijustcan’thelpbutbeapathetic
tactics,Iseeasunexpectedconsequence aboutanallpowerfulshadowgovern-
andhumanopportunism.Regardlessof mentifyoudon’tprovidemewiththe
whichsideyoutake,there’sonething toolstotakeitdown.
thattheRammelmeisterneverseemsto WheredoIbegin?Yes,itisoen
provideyouwith:solutions. overlookedthatglobalizationhasacted
I’llbite.Ashadowgovernmentof asasteroidfortheeconomiceliteacross
financialandpoliticaleliteshassecretly theworld.Undercuttingtheeffortsof
developedaplotinwhichminorshis thelowerclassbypromotinga“world
intheworldhaveconsequencesthatare economy,” organizations like NAFTA
carefullycontrolledtoallowaseriesof and the WTO have made it near im-
eventstounfoldlikedominoesandlead possiblefortheproletariatofanysec-
eventuallytoaninternationalgovern- ondorthirdworldcountrytosurvive
mentwhichwilleradicatealargepor- whenfacedwithglobalcompetition.As
tionofthepopulation,restrictfreedoms aresult,manySouthAmericanshave
andharnessslavelabortoincreasetheir sought salvation on American soil.
profits.Notonlythat,butasmallpor- HereiswhereIplaytheoppositehand
tionofthepopulationhasnotonlybeen in this “chicken or egg” argument.
brilliantenoughtouncoverthetopse- Globalization did not occur because
cret and meticulously world leaders foresaw the abundant
power-grabbingopportunities.Abun-
dant power-grabbing opportunities
were abused by opportunist govern-
mentsupontheiroccurrenceasconse-
quencesofglobalization.ereisno
doubt in my mind that globalization
wasintendedonlyasasystemofworld-
wide networking of the bourgeoisie.
Rarely have men with money and
power come together to address the
plannedop- plightofthe“lesser” classes.Toinsinu-
eration, but ate, though, that free trade initiatives
has also andillegalimmigrationaremerecheck-
been al- pointsinagreaterschemetodestabilize
lowed to thecontinentandjustifymartiallawin-
live,publish evitablyleadingtotheconsolidationof
books on power in the hands of the few is just
the topic, preposterous.Iwillnotdenythatthis
build careers route is probable.  But I vehemently
based upon their decry the idea that those intelligent
“theories” and even enoughtodreamupsuchatreacherous
broadcast their views and genius plot would be foolish
overtheradio.More- enoughtoletslipenoughdetailsthat
over,Rammelkampisa their evil plans are now available
part of this minority throughAmazonandtheKampenator’s
and as a student at facebookwritings.
Stony Brook Univer- Okay.  Enough with the bashing.
sity, is obviously far Mycommentsaside,Rammelkampis
more intellectually definitelyontosomething.LouDobbs
superiorthananyone wouldhaveAmericansbelievethatille-
else (accredited or galimmigrantsareblameworthy.Aer
otherwise)andis all,theyarethecriminals,aretheynot?
dedicatedtoun- eyhoppedthefence,theywalkedfor
milesandtheybrokethelaw.Ignorant
citizens,whoIcall“small-picturepeo-
ple,” seethisbasicrelationshipbetween
illegalimmigrantsandthelawandlook
nofurther.eirfrustrationandanger
developsintoracismandhate, which
notonlyfuelsSouthAmericannation-
alism, butalsonullifiestheircredibility.
e corrupt Mexican government,
rollinginmoneyandabsentthecaresof
theirdissatisfiedworkingclass,ismore
thanhappytooverlooktheborder.e
corporatistAmericangovernment, too,
hasbenefitedfromthedirtcheaplabor.
It’s become an unintended triangle
tradefortheTwenty-FirstCentury,now
beingexploitedandperpetuatednotby
asupersecretorganizationbutby busi-
nessmenwithbusinessmindsets.
e answer is not to drive out to
Farmingvilleandspitonmigrantwork-
ers.It’snottodeportthemandbuilda
hugefence.esolutionisn’ttopro-
vide amnesty and ignore the greater
problem.Ouranswerliesinsupport-
inganinterventionistgovernmentthat
takesanactiveroleinprogressiveinter-
nationalaffairsratherthanprofit-turn-
inginoilrichcountries.eMexican
peoplearecryingforhelp,crushedbe-
neath the boot of their upper class.
Americancitizensmayobjecttotaking
political action against the Mexican
government,citingthattheplightofthe
American working class should be a
greaterprioritytothegovernmentthan
thatofthosearoundtheworld.“Ifyou
putachainaroundtheneckofaslave,
theotherendfastensitselfaroundyour
own.” Ourfateshavebecomeentan-
gled.Tosolveourimmigration“prob-
lem” wemustaidillegalimmigrantsin
solvingtheirown.Tobuildafenceor
grantamnestyismerelyshortterm:a
temporarydamtocurbtheflow.We
mustbecome“big-picture” citizens,ex-
aminingnotonlythecausesandtheef-
fectsbutalsothecausesofthecauses
andthecausesofthosecausesaswell.
Weneednotfallvictimtoinfinitere-
gression either.  In a campaign year
wherethereformationorobliterationof
NAFTAandtheWTOhavebeendis-
cussednumeroustimes,thealteration
ordestructionofglobalizationmustbe-
comeakeyissuetoAmericancitizens.
Rather than discussing Oprah’s en-
dorsementorHillary’shair,letus,for
once,becomeactivelyengagedcitizens.
Motivatingthemassesisnotquiteso
difficultasyoumaybelieve.Evenapo-
liticalAmericansseemtohavestrongly
polarizedviewsofillegalimmigration.
eyhavethemotivationbutlackdi-
rectionandpurpose,educationandre-
sources.  If all else fails, Molotov
everything.
Opinion 17
Al Qaeda: Insur-
gents, Rebels Or
Enemy Combatants?
ByNickEaton
Fueled by fierce emotions,
manyAmericansbecomeindignant
upontheuseoftheword“rebel”in
conjunction with the terrorist
groupAlQaeda.Themilitantor-
ganization,knownfortheirhandin
theattacksonSeptember11,2001,
has factions scattered across the
world working towards Islamic
dominance and the upending of
non-Islamist states. Harnessing
guerillatacticsandperformingacts
ofterror,thegreaterAlQaedanet-
workcanhardlybeconsideredlit-
tle more than a militant terrorist
organization. The presence of Al
QaedainIraq,however,presentsa
newchallengeforclassification.
The existence of Al Qaeda in
Iraqisadirectresultofthepresence
ofAmericanforces.Muchofthe
insurgency has turned to the or-
ganization in order to aid in the
fightagainstAmericanoccupancy.
SeeingtheU.S.asaforeignaggres-
sorandanimperialisticforcewith
all but altruistic ambitions in the
country, the enemy combatants
haveappealedtotheenemyoftheir
enemynotonthebasisofcommon
goals,butsimplytosynergizeand
redoubleeffortstoresistwhatthey
seeastheeventualestablishmentof
an American puppet regime.  In
thisway,regardlessofthetruein-
tentionsofmilitaryactioninIraq,
thecountry’sdivisionofAlQaeda
forces is, in essence, rebelling
against a constituted authority.
They have assumed a hostile and
insubordinateattitudetowardsan
establishedadversary.Theyfitthe
verydefinitionofwhatitistobea
“rebel.”
The word itself seems to res-
onate with positive connotations.
WiththeAmericanDreamhaving
beenbuiltontheconceptofanun-
derdog rising to the top, citizens
have an affinity for rebellion in a
historicalsense.TheUnitedStates
mayhavecometobeasadirectre-
sultofrebellion,butwecontinually
failtoacknowledgetherebelswho
aredemonizedfromtheAmerican
worldviewonadailybasis.Con-
sider the Russian Revolution and
ourhalf-centuryColdWarwiththe
SovietUnion.WereRussianrebels
heraldedasheroeshereinAmer-
ica?  We must distance ourselves
fromthepositiveandnegativetaint
oflanguageasaresultofhabitand
historyandinsteadviewtheworld
objectively.
18 Sports
Food For Thought
I’m using this space for my prediction that the Pittsburgh Pirates will make the playoffs as soon as 2009. -Bryan
Red Sox Acquire Santana for Goulet
By Sporty McRealpersonton
MLB Reporter Extraordinaire
e Boston Red Sox today added
halloffamerockandroll/latinfusion
guitarist Carlos Santana to their 40-
manroster.Santana’scontractwaspur-
chased from AAA Pawtucket
immediatelyfollowingthetradeoffor-
mer Red Sox minor league crooner
RobertGoulettotheMinnesotaTwins,
along with a session bassist to be
namedlater.
e announcement was made by
ExecutiveVicePresident/GeneralMan-
agereoEpstein.
Santana,60,bringsaveteransensi-
bility to a Red Sox starting rotation
that,whilegenerallypraised,hasbeen
specificallycriticizedforitspoorgrasp
ofmelodyandrhythm.Santanaisex-
pectedtoslotintothesecondstarter’s
spotbetweenstaffaceJoshBeckettand
JapaneseimportDaisukeMatsuzaka.
Division rival Matt Stairs—the so
called Blue Jay’s Blue Jay—when
reached for comment, in his winter
homeinWarmSprings,expressedtrep-
Chuck Knoblauch: Best Second Baseman,
Or Simply The Best Player, Ever?
By James Laudano
ose of you who follow baseball
knowthatthe2008HallofFameballot
wasrecentlyreleased,withatotaloften
candidates eligible for the very first
time.AmongthemisEdwardCharles
Knoblauch, better known around the
nation simply as Chuck Knoblauch.
isarticleintendstonotonlyconvince
you that Chuck deserves to be en-
shrinedintheannalsofCooperstown,
but also to demonstrate that he is
amongthegreatestbaseballplayersever
inthehistoryofthisprolificsport.
ChuckKnoblauchburstuponthe
Major League scene in 1991 with the
MinnesotaTwins.Chuckhadbeentheir
first round dra pick two years prior
andtheTwinswereeagertopromote
theiryoung,phenomsecondbasemen
tothe“BigLeagues.”eTwins,ateam
thathadbeengraduallyimprovingtheir
organizationovertheyearsimmediately
preceding1991,werepoisedforstar-
dom.ItwasChuckandhisnew,youth-
fulenergy,whowouldshoveMinnesota
into that stardom they so very much
sought.eTwinswouldwintheWorld
Series that year, with Chuck batting
over.300duringtheplayoffs.Naturally,
Vol. XXIX, Issue 6 | Wednesday, December 5, 2007
idationattheprospectoffacingSan-
tanaintheclashofAmericanLeague
Eastpowers.“Helookslikeanoldman
whenhe’ssittingdown,butgethimon
amoundandbehindasixstring,and
thatoldmanisenoughtoputthefear
ofGodintoeventhiscountryboy.”
Goulet, 74, a journeyman best
knownforthreestintsintheRedSox
organization, was once considered a
stud, but his numbers have dropped
ChuckwonRookieoftheYearhonors
thatyear,andhisfuturelookedasbright
astheWorldSeriestrophythenencased
intheMinnesotaclubhouse.
Chuck went on to bat .312, .333,
and.341duringthefollowingyears,and
later won a Gold Glove Award—in
1997.However,thiswasnotenoughfor
Chuck.Hedesiredtobeapartofthe
big-time, and vocally asserted the
stancethatheshouldbetradedtothe
NewYorkYankees.Aerall,wheredo
baseballplayersgowhentheywantto
taketheirgametothenextlevel?Why,
abigmarketteaminabigmarketcity,
ofcourse.Andwhofitsthatdescription
betterthantheYankees?
eYankees,muchliketheTwins
whenChuckfirstcametothem,were
ontheprecipiceofincrediblesuccessin
1997—the year Chuck was indeed
traded to the organization. To jump
aheadjustatadinourstory,theYan-
keeswouldwintheAmericanLeague
pennant every year Chuck was with
them, winning three World Champi-
onshipstoboot.
Coincidence,orKnoblauxcellence?
However,allwasnotwellinNew
YorkforChuck.In1999,Chuckdevel-
opedarareanddebilitatingcondition
known throughout baseball as “Steve
precipitouslysinceanOctoberinjury.
Earlyinnegotiations,MinnesotaGen-
eralManagerBillSmithmadeclearthat
any trade centered around Goulet
would require
additionalpieces
as insurance.
Smith, appar-
entlyplacatedby
Esptein’s assur-
ancesthatGoulet
has good poten-
tial for recovery,
revisedhisinitial
demands—for
center field
prospect and
World Series
heroJacobyElls-
bury, Academy
Award winner
andDVDnarra-
torMattDamonandsubstantialcash
considerations—downtotheunspeci-
fied,littleheraldedbutprolificbassgui-
tarsessionplayer.
Santana, who has won nine
Grammyawards(onein1988andeight
in2000),andtwicefiguredthirdinvot-
BlassDisease,”orsimply“theyips.”is
tragicconditioncausedChucktolose
allabilitytoaccuratelythrowabaseball
tofirstbase.Onaverage,athrowfrom
thesecondbasementofirstbasespans
aroundfiyfeet.Howcouldaformer
goldglovewinnerhavetroublemaking
sucharoutineandsimpletoss?Noone
hadanyanswers.eproblembecame
so troubling that in 2000 an errant
throwactuallyflewintothestandsbe-
hind the first base dugout and struck
thewifeoffamedsports/politicalcom-
mentatorSteveOlbermannintheface.
Yankee manager Joe Torre had no
choicebuttomoveChucktolefield.
Chuck needed out of New York, and
fast.
Fortunately,ChuckdidescapeNew
York in 2002, when the Kansas City
Royalssignedhimasafreeagent.Un-
fortunately,Chuck’soffensivenumbers
atthispointsimplyslumpedsomuch
thattheRoyalsdeclinedtoextendhis
contractintothenextseason.Sensing
theend,Chuckannouncedhisretire-
ment in 2003, breaking the hearts of
millionsacrossthenation.
Now, you might say to yourself,
“Sure,Chuckhadsomegoodyearsearly
on.Andyes,hedidwinfourWorldSe-
rieschampionships,buttheembarrass-
ingfortheNationalLeagueCy-Young
award(in1968and1973),wasunavail-
ableforcomment.AccordingtoRed
Sox Chairman omas Werner, San-
tanawillbeintroduced,asauniformed
member of the squad, to the Boston
media in a gala press conference in
earlyJanuary.Wernersaid,“eRed
Soxareproudtoacquiretheonlyplayer
toworkwithbothBoDiddleyandBo
Jackson.Santana’sswaggerisevident
onthe1981hit“Winning.”at’sthe
kindofRedSoxourorganizationneeds
as we look to repeat as World Series
Champions for the first time since
1916.”
Twins third baseman Nick Punto
expressedexcitementtobeplayingwith
Goulet.  “As a child, I found a secret
thrillinplayingmyparents’oldRobert
Goulet records.  More recently, he
wowedmewithhisperformanceasa
stealthypestharassingfatiguedoffice
workers,beforeretreating,Spiderman-
like,acrosstheceilingintheEmerald
Nutscommercial.Tobeplayingwitha
legendlikeRobertGoulet—wow.”
Goulet was unavailable for com-
ment.
ingendtohiscareercertainlyshould
barhimfromnotonlytheHallofFame,
butalsoanytalkofbeingthegreatest
baseballplayerever.”Well,toyou,good
sirormadam,Isay“poppycock.”Chuck
Knoblauchruled:endofstory.Hisstun-
ninglyerrantthrowsintothestandsof
YankeeStadiumandhismeteoricplum-
metintoobscurityandretirementwere
valuable by demonstrating to profes-
sional baseball how vulnerable we all
are—nottomentionthefactthatwatch-
ingahighlypaidprofessionallobarou-
tine throw thirty feet off the mark
provided great entertainment every
nightonSportsCenter,andKnoblauch
single-handedlyfilledblooperreelsfor
decadestocome.Andfinally,theword
Knoblauch actually means “garlic” in
German,anddon’tyouthinkthatsays
something about…something? I’ll let
youthinkthatover,andinthemean-
time, I’ll hope that during
my next trip to Cooper-
stownIwillbepresented
theopportunityto
gazefondlyat
aplaqueded-
icatedtoour
hero,Edward
Charles
Knoblauch.
The Stony Brook Press Features 19
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