The Bibles Viewpoint Dating With a View to Marriage Julie and Lee were dating and were determined

to remain morally clean. But one evening when they were alone, their sexual feelings began to build. Fortunately, they came to their senses before going too far and committing a serious wrong. TRUE worship involves more than simply attending a weekly religious service. It is a way of life that influences ones conduct and moral standards. Jesus Christ said that only those doing the will of God merit His favor. (Matthew 7:21) To please God, we need to keep our relationship with the opposite sex honorable and date with a view to marriage. How can you keep your relationship clean in Gods eyes, especially in view of the tremendous pressure on couples to throw moral restraint aside? First, recognize that Gods standards were set down with our very best interests in mind. Second, accept the truth about human nature. Third, lay definite ground rules for right behavior. And fourth, have God in your relationship. Consider these points one by one. Standards Tailor-Made for Our Benefit At Isaiah 48:17, 18, we read: I, Jehovah, am your God, the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk. O if only you would actually pay attention to my commandments! Then your peace would become just like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Yes, the commandments and principles set down in Gods inspired Word, the Holy Bible, are for our benefit. (2 Timothy 3:16, 17) They are evidence that our Creator really cares about us and wants us to be happy and successful in all aspects of life. (Psalm 19:7-10) Is that how you feel in your heart? If so, you are showing true wisdom. Accept the Truth About Yourself Like a true friend, Jehovah is honest with us; he tells us the truth about ourselves. For example, his Word warns us that the heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9) The Bible also states: He [or she] that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape. Proverbs 28:26. How might a couple who are dating show that they trust in their own hearts? One way is by allowing themselves to get into circumstances where they may be tempted to become overly intimate, similar to the couple mentioned above. Another way is by disregarding the wise advice of God-fearing parents. Such parents know that sexual feelings, especially during youth, can be like a powerful engine that has to be well controlled. Hence, young people who walk in godly wisdom take parental guidance seriously. Yes, they take to heart the advice of parents who love them enough to say things that a son or daughter may not want to hear. Of course, the one who loves you most is your heavenly Father, Jehovah God, who advises you to remove vexation from your heart, and ward off calamity from your flesh. (Ecclesiastes 11:9, 10) How can you do that? By not giving in to improper desires.

Lay Clear Ground Rules for Behavior With those consulting together there is wisdom. (Proverbs 13:10) Early in their relationship, prudent couples apply those words by agreeing on Scripturally appropriate expressions of affection and by being determined to stay within those limits. To take liberties with each other or to be overconfident is like driving dangerously. It is too late to make resolutions about road safety when you are being pulled out of a wreck! A shrewd man [or woman] sees trouble coming and lies low, the Bible says. The simple walk into it and pay the penalty.(Proverbs 22:3, The New English Bible) Couples can avoid much trouble by dating in the company of a wholesome group or a suitable chaperone. The penalty for foolishness while dating may include a damaged conscience, lack of respect for yourself and the other person, and shame for all concerned, including family members. So be shrewd; agree to apply Scriptural standards and stick to them! Make Jehovah the Third Cord Marriage is like a threefold cord, with God as the primary strand. A threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two, says Ecclesiastes 4:12. The same principle can apply to dating couples. Those who want Gods blessing on their relationship receive that blessing when they stay close to God individually. Says Psalm 1:1-3: Happy is the man [or woman] that has not walked in the counsel of the wicked ones . . . But his delight is in the law of Jehovah, and in his law he reads in an undertone day and night . . . , and everything he does will succeed. Yes, real success in life, including success in courtship and marriage, comes when we do things Jehovahs way. After all, he is our Creator, and romantic attraction and marriage are precious gifts from him. As such, they deserve our utmost respect.James 1:17. [Footnote] Some names have been changed. HAVE YOU WONDERED? How do we know that God wants the best for us?Isaiah 48:17, 18. What truth about ourselves should we accept?Jeremiah 17:9. What is the secret to success while dating and, later, in marriage?Psalm 1:1-3. [Picture on page 13]

Early in their relationship, prudent couples agree on Scripturally appropriate expressions of affection and are determined to stay within those limits It is particularly vital to flee from fornication during courtship. That period should be a joyful time, full of hope and anticipation, but some young couples mar it by toying with immorality. In the process, they deprive each other of the best foundation for a good marriagea relationship based on unselfish love, self-control, and obedience to Jehovah God. One Christian couple

engaged in immoral behavior during their courtship. After they married, the wife admitted that her conscience tormented her, even ruining the joy of her wedding day. She confessed: I have asked Jehovahs forgiveness many times, but even though seven years have passed since then, my conscience continues to accuse me. It is vital that those who commit such sins seek help from Christian elders. (James 5:14, 15) However, many Christian couples act wisely and avoid these dangers during courtship. (Proverbs 22:3) They limit their expressions of affection. They make use of chaperons and carefully avoid being alone together in isolated places. Keeping Courtship Honorable Another area in which your perceptive powers are needed is that of courtship. It is only natural to want to show affection to someone you care about. The chaste couple in the Song of Solomon evidently exchanged some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today, some courting couples may likewise feel that holding hands, kissing, and embracing are appropriate, especially when marriage seems imminent. But remember: He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid. (Proverbs 28:26) Tragically, a number of couples have shown bad judgment by putting themselves into compromising circumstances. Displays of affection have become intense and uncontrolled; unclean acts have resulted and have even escalated to sexual immorality. If you are dating, you are wise to avoid being alone with your prospective mate under inappropriate circumstances. So it may be best to enjoy each others association in a group setting or in public places. Some couples arrange to have a chaperon. Also, consider the words of Hosea 4:11: Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive. Alcohol can impair good judgment and lead a couple to act in a way that they will later regret. Proverbs 13:10 says: By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom. Yes, consult together and discuss how you will conduct yourselves. Place limits on displays of affection, each respecting the others feelings and conscience. (1 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7; 1 Peter 3:16) Talking about this sensitive subject may be difficult at first, but it can prevent serious problems from developing later on. *** w93 4/15 pp. 16-17 pars. 11-12 YouthsWhat Are You Pursuing? *** Sexual desire, for example, has led many Christian youths into spiritual ruin. With good reason, then, the Bible tells us to flee from fornication. (1 Corinthians 6:18) If a couple are courting, dating, they can apply this principle by avoiding tempting circumstancessuch as being alone in an apartment or a parked car. Having a chaperon accompany you may sound old-fashioned, but it can be a real protection. And while some expressions of affection may be appropriate, reasonable limits must be set so as to avoid unclean behavior. (1 Thessalonians 4:7) Fleeing from fornication would also include avoiding movies or TV shows that might arouse wrong desire. (James 1:14, 15) If immoral thoughts enter your mind uninvited, change the subject mentally. Go for a walk; do some reading; perform some household chore. Prayer is a particularly powerful aid in this regard.Psalm 62:8. Above all, you must learn to hate, abhor, and detest what is bad. (Psalm 97:10) How do you hate what may at first be fun or pleasurable? By thinking about the consequences! Do not
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be misled: God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap; because he who is sowing with a view to his flesh will reap corruption from his flesh. (Galatians 6:7, 8) When tempted to give in to passion, think of what is of greater consequencehow this would hurt Jehovah God. (Compare Psalm 78:41.) Think, too, about the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy or of contracting a disease, such as AIDS. Consider the emotional devastation and loss of self-respect you would suffer. There may also be long-term consequences. One Christian woman admits: My husband and I had sex relations before we met each other. Although we are both Christians today, our past sex life is a source of contention and jealousy in our marriage. Not to be overlooked, either, is the loss of your theocratic privileges or the possibility of being expelled from the Christian congregation! (1 Corinthians 5:9-13) Is any momentary pleasure worth so high a price?

One day my boyfriend came over when my mother wasnt home, supposedly just to watch TV, recalls Laura. At first he just held my hand. Then all of a sudden, his hands started to wander. I was afraid to tell him to stop; I thought he would get upset and want to leave. LAURA and her boyfriend thus started down a path that led deeper and deeper into misconduct. Passionate kissing gave way to yet graver improprieties. Few in todays world, though, would frown on such conduct. Why, surveys show that the vast majority of youths in the United States have had sex relations by the time they are 19! Heavy kissing and even the fondling of intimate areas of the body are viewed as little more than a harmless pastime. Some youths boast about how far they have gone in their sexual explorations. Sad to say, some Christian youths have got involved in such misbehavior. They evidently suppose that as long as they do not go all the way, no harm is being done. Relationship Damaged Some may feel that physical expressions of affection enhance a relationship. However, taking improper sexual liberties does not deepen a relationship. It cheapens it. At the very least, it tears down mutual respect and trust. I had bad feelings toward the guy afterward, admits one girl who engaged in unclean conduct. Lack of restraint in courtship can continue to have a negative effect even after a couple get married. Self-control, patience, and unselfishness are the foundation of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:3, 4) But during courtship, some couples establish a pattern of giving in to selfish desire, throwing restraint to the wind, and ignoring each others feelings. This can get marriage off to an ominously bad start. When passionate kissing and touching begin, meaningful communication usually halts. Needed confidential talkabout goals, aspirations, and feelingsis replaced by mindless, passion-arousing behavior. Warns Proverbs 15:22: There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk. Having failed to lay a solid foundation for marriage in courtship, many couples suffer great frustration and guilt when they finally do wed. Deaden Wrong Desire Another point to consider is the Bible principle at Colossians 3:5: Deaden, therefore, your body members that are upon the earth as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite,

hurtful desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Rather than alleviating hurtful desire, kissing and petting only serve to whip it up. A young man named Jack confesses what took place with his fiance: At first it was merely kissing. But next it became passionate kissing and heavy petting, once even to the point of our almost committing fornication. I knew that what we were doing wasnt right according to Jehovahs standards. A youth named Vera, who likewise got involved in such misbehavior, admits that kissing and petting made her want to have sex relations. Sometimes that is exactly what happens. The Bible shows that sin has a hardening effect on ones conscience. (Hebrews 3:13) As one becomes accustomed to taking improper liberties, badness can escalate. One sexual advance leads to yet another. Before you know it, confesses Laura (mentioned at the outset), youre involved in heavy petting. And its only moments later that youre involved in fornication. Thats what happened to me. Sad to say, the same has happened to countless other youths. An ancient proverb warns: Can a man rake together fire into his bosom and yet his very garments not be burned? (Proverbs 6:27) The answer is obvious. And for Christian youths, they should take seriously Gods warning: Do not be misled: God is not one to be mocked. For whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.Galatians 6:7. Furthermore, Gods Word declares: No fornicator or unclean person or greedy person which means being an idolaterhas any inheritance in the kingdom of the Christ and of God. (Ephesians 5:5) Thus, toying with immorality has serious consequences and can even cost a Christian his or her hope for eternal life in Gods new world.Revelation 22:15. [Footnotes] Some of the names have been changed. [Blurb on page 18] Taking improper sexual liberties cheapens a relationship [Picture on page 17] Wholesome group activities help you to avoid compromising situations Young People Ask . . .

The Bible tells the story of a Shulammite girl and a shepherd boy who were engaged. Their courtship was impeccably chaste and moral. Yet, they evidently did exchange some displays of affection before they married. (Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5) Today, some courting couples may likewise feel that holding hands and embracing are appropriate expressions of endearment when marriage seems imminent. It is all too easy even for a couple with honorable intentions to get carried away and begin toying with sexual immorality. How can they avoid doing so?

Keeping on Guard At Psalm 119:9, the psalmist asked: How will a young man cleanse his path? The answer? By keeping on guard according to your word. One way to keep on guard is to watch who your friends are. My friends are always putting pressure on me to go all the way, says one American boy named Nakia. The Bible warns: He that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly. (Proverbs 13:20) One youth magazine thus gave good advice when it said: Work on finding new friends who share your values. Another way to keep on guard is to avoid compromising circumstances. Consider what happened when the shulammite girls shepherd lover invited her on a romantic walk. His motives were innocent enough; he simply wanted to enjoy the beauties of spring with her. Even so, the shulammite girls older brothers grew angry with her. not that they didnt trust the couple. But they well knew the temptations that could arise if the couple were allowed to be alone in a romantic setting. The solution? The older brothers broke up the couples romantic plans and gave their sister a demanding job that would keep her busy.song of solomon 1:6; 2:8-15. Being alone in a romantic setting continues to breed danger today. Recalls one teenage girl well call Mary: When we dated, we usually had a chaperon. On one occasion, though, they found themselves alone in an apartment. We got carried away. It was just stupidity on our part to let that happen. We had the attitude It wont happen to us. Well, now I know you have to have a chaperon all the time, no matter what. Make other arrangements if you cant find anybody to go with you. We just let our guard down. Dont let your guard down! If you are courting someone, plan your dates carefully. If possible, date in groups, or insist on a chaperon. Avoid risky settings, such as being alone in a parked car or in an apartment. Enjoying each others company on visits to museums, restaurants, skating rinks, and so forth is usually safer. Along the same lines, you might also keep in mind the words of Hosea 4:11: Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive. Since alcohol tends to lower inhibitions, it makes good sense to be very careful regarding its use even if you are legally old enough to drink. Setting Boundaries Proverbs 13:10 gives another important piece of advice when it says: With those consulting together there is wisdom. Dont wait until you are in some emotion-charged romantic setting to establish ground rules. A courting couple is wise to set boundaries in advance, honestly discussing what expressions of affection are appropriate. Both, however, must follow the principle at Ephesians 4:25: Speak truth each one of you with his neighbor. Suppose, for example, that a young woman feels her relationship with a young man has reached the point where a good-night kiss is appropriate. The young man may feel, however, that given his own emotional makeup, a kiss would simply be too much of a temptation. Fearing rejection or perhaps feeling an obligation to please her, he may go against his better judgment. But embarrassing as it may be for him, he needs to speak truth and express his true feelings in this regard. Since Christian love does not look for its own interests, each should respect the others feelingsand consciencein this matter. (1 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Peter 3:16) Granted, talking about such a sensitive subject can be difficult and embarrassing, especially in the early stages of courtship. But it can do much to prevent serious problems from developing later on.

Interestingly, your ability to communicate and negotiate in these matters may also serve as an indicator of how much potential the relationship has for a solid marriage. You Would If You Loved Me Sometimes, though, in spite of the best of intentions, a situation begins to get too heated. Nows the time for you to speak up! Kindly but firmly put on the brakes, so to speak. Leave if necessary. (Compare Proverbs 23:2.) What if the person you are dating refuses to respect reasonable boundaries and continues to pressure you to go too far? Sad to say, some youths have fallen for such transparent lines as, You would if you loved me or, Everybodys doing it or even, Were going to get married soon, so whats the problem? As in Bible times, there are those who try to seduce by the smoothness of their lips. (Proverbs 7:21; compare Psalm 5:9.) Dont give in to verbal intimidation! For one thing, someone who really loves you will never pressure you into doing something that violates your Christian conscience or that makes you feel uncomfortable. (1 Corinthians 13:5) Second, it is simply not true that everyone is doing it. And even if everyone were, that would hardly mean that you should do it. Remember the principle at Exodus 23:2: You must not follow after the crowd for evil ends. As for promises of marriage, nowhere do the Scriptures give engaged couples the permission to behave as married people. Besides, note the sad statistics reported in the book The Compleat Courtship, by Nancy Van Pelt: More than 33 percent of the sexually experienced girls believed when they first had sex that they would marry the fellowbut few of them did. However, only 7 percent of the sexually active fellows polled thought they would marry the young woman. One of two things was taking placeeither she was fooling herself or he wasnt telling the truth. Take your pick. A wise proverb says: Anyone inexperienced puts faith in every word, but the shrewd one considers his steps.Proverbs 14:15. When Youve Got Carried Away Confesses a German youth named Thomas: I had a steady girlfriend, and we went pretty far. But we always seemed to stop in time. This gave me the feeling that I could control myself. That illusion led to his engaging in sexual immorality. Recall the Bibles warning: Consequently let him that thinks he is standing beware that he does not fall.1 Corinthians 10:12. What if a couple does fall into improper conduct? A young man named John says: When my fiance and I first started courting, our conduct was clean and kept on a high level. But one time we started kissing and pettingalmost to the point of committing fornication. It was then that I decided to speak with one of the elders in my congregation. Yes, when a couple allows things to go that far, both need help! Do not deceive yourself into thinking you can solve the problem alone. Id pray, Help us not to do it again, confesses one youth. Sometimes it would work, but a few times it didnt. The Bible thus gives good advice when it says: Call the older men of the congregation. (James 5:14) These Christian overseers can give whatever counsel, advice, or reproof is necessary to get your relationship with each otherand, more important, with God back on track. It is far better, though, to take proper safeguards, to set boundaries in advance, and to be determined to stay clean in Gods eyes. In this way you can avoid calamity.

[Footnotes] Some of the names have been changed. See the article Young People Ask . . . How Far is Too Far? in our October 22, 1993, issue. In some parts of the world, public displays of affection between unmarried individuals are considered to be in poor taste and offensive. Christians take care not to behave in any way that could stumble others.2 Corinthians 6:3. [Picture on page 17] A wise couple will say no to inappropriate expressions of affection