WORMWOOD

The Magical Record of Ryan Adam Murray

Volume I January 30, 2004 December 29, 2012

To Enter Atlas:

Fly

Preface
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law This is an account of the major incidents in the magical career of an aspirant to the A:.A:. Rather than simply reproducing my notes, this record tries to create an intelligible narrative of the events that took place. This is a description of how I put the things that I was learning into practice. On March 3, 2010 I attained to knowledge and conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. I prepared these notes during the period of July 5-19, 2012. All of the comments Ive made and notes Ive added during that time appear in italics. I took the oath of the A:.A:. and, after the standard period of probation, selfinitiated on January 29th of 2004, roughly five years after beginning to experiment with ceremonial magick. The journey from determining myself to take up the Great Work to fully realizing my connection with my HGA took about seven years of daily ritual, study, and yoga. This is not the word of a Magus, the Garden of a Master of the Temple, or a thesis to explain the universe. This is simply an account of how a single individual accomplished the work of the Outer College. If many of the workings described here seem imperfect, it is because one learns by doing, and learning takes time and practice. My goal was to reach my angel, and through these workings I attained that goal. The curriculum for the Outer College is perfectly straightforward. Aleister Crowley left us clear instructions. We have a level of access to information, occult or otherwise, that is without precedent in human history. With the ability to think critically, a little self-discipline, and the right motivation, there is no need to rely on anyone but ones self to carry out this work. These are not easy skills to acquire, there is nothing complicated about developing them. I have provided personal data where it is germane to the subject under discussion, but the names have been changed for obvious reasons. Love is the Law, Love Under Will -Ryan Adam Murray

Timeline:
Dec. 28, 2003 -Mar. 9, 2004 - Cherubic Working, first Samael confrontation, introduced to Mr. Church p. 24 Jan 29 2004 - Self-Initiation into 0=0 A:.A:. I re-design my wand to reflect this Mar. 17, 2004 Mr. Church accepts me as his student p. 20 Aug 25-Oct 11, 2004 - The Assiah Operation provides me with the six pointed riddle of the key and the lock and confirms Mr. Church as my instructor p. 53 June 13-Dec 14 2005 - I establish an astral temple on Qesheth and train for the confrontation with Samael p. 60 Dec. 10, 2005 - My physical temple is destroyed by fire Dec. 13, 2005 - Samael becomes an ally Jan. 12-May 26, 2006 The Seven Gates of Istar, my devotion to the Goddess is solidified. I perfect my feminine counterpart in the astral temple, have the first vision of the double-cube, am judged by the angel of death, and discover some new ways to integrate Enochian keys in my practice of ceremonial magick p. 74 June 1 August 1, 2006 - The Edicts of Amoun Ra are recorded, the God teaches me the basics of sex magick, I begin to write up my notes from previous workings into the material provided by this document p. 93 Oct. 1 Dec 21, 2006 - Baphomet working, first use of the substance, Raja Yoga, significant attainments in Dharana. Consecrate the cup p. 102 June 14 July 31, 2007 Sol Invictus working consecrates a powerful solar image as a royal symbol connected to my wand p. 113 April 17-28, 2008 First contact with my Holy Guardian Angel, Oaths of Devotion to Raphael and Oath of Attrition to Samael. Phimosis begins to develop p. 117 June 10, 2008 - Feb 10, 2009 Archangelic workings (not recorded in detail but referenced in the text) My wand is totally re-designed and repainted according to their instructions. Lilith appears many times during this period as an infernal balance to the angelic. Nov. 30 Dec. 23, 2008 Baphomet working. Tried to write the black book to lead me across the abyss. (not recorded in detail but referenced in the text) Failed, but succeeded in producing another effective batch of the substance (not in text but made reference to in Three Rings working) Jan 1 Feb. 14, 2009 Amoun Ra working lined up with the Paris Working, Lilith is overcome p.123 Mar. 21 April 12, 2009 The Three Rings of Istar, ritual combined with Bhakti Yoga, severe Niyama, significant attainments in Dhyana and Pratyahara. Establish contact with my liaison to the

abyss (the threatening entity foreshadowed in the Cherubic working of 2004) Control of orgasm is perfected p. 132 June 10, 2009 I am circumcised June 21, 2009 I move to Toronto and begin to construct a temple suitable for the HGA working July 13 Aug. 6 Amoun Ra working to consecrate temple space p. 149 Oct. 10, 2009 Mar. 3, 2010 Operation to attain Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel climax p. 156 April 17 Dec. 31, 2010 Construction and consecration of the Four Enochian Watchtowers. Protracted workings with each Cherub. The six points of the riddle of Assiah manifest in the six wings of the Project. P. 240 April July EXARP, p. 170 Confrontation with Lucifer p. 172 Sept. Nov. BITOM, p. 180 Confrontation with Satan p. 175 Nov Dec. HCOMA, p. 183 Confrontation with Leviathan p. 190 Dec. 21-31 NANTA, p. 186 Challenge issued to Belial p. 196 Jan. 7 Mar. 17, 2011 Period of darkness. No suitable ritual space. Feb. 15 26, 2011 Confrontation with the Many, I renounce the line of Adam and accept the mark of Cain May 1, 2011 New living space, not a good temple. Some Amoun Ra workings happen between May and October, but thats about it. I overcome my financial difficulties, however Aug. 1- 27, 2011 Workings with Samael and Lilith, the latter makes a strange request p. 193 Dec. 1, 2011 New temple space Jan. 7 Feb. 4, 2012 Amoun Ra shrine is consecrated. Regular work in the shrine and on the Project continues into the summer when I began to create this document. September 2012 Building up to the One Without a Master, actual confrontation Sept. 19th p. 196 December 17 2012- My relationship with Lotus begins p. 199 December 21 2012 The Four Great Devils p. 201

Dnouement p. 204

PART I: PREPARING THE SUBSTANCE An Introduction

The men who are willing by this means to become the saviors of their country shall be called the Synagogue of Satan, so as to keep themselves from the friendship of the fools who mistake names for things. There shall be masters of the Synagogue, but they shall never seek to dominate. They shall most carefully abstain from inducing any man to seek the Tao by any other way than that of equilibrium. They shall develop individual genius without considering whether in their opinion its fruition will tend to the good or evil of their country or of the world; for who are they to interfere with a soul whose balance has been crowned by the most holy Tao? -Aleister Crowley, Thien Tao

The Synagogue of Satan 2006-10-26 17:39:00

The Satanic Bible was, for me, an introduction to occult matters. Its a lame one, sure, but there are some authors that I could name (and will, below) who have generated a great deal more respect in the occult community and who have a great deal less to offer. Whether or not it was groundbreaking material, the book was new to me. It was something that I imagined one could never be ALLOWED to write. Whatever you think of Satanism, whatever you think of LeVay, it is a powerful thing BECAUSE it uses the name of Satan. My first thoughts when I read it were not, Oh finally, someone has spoken out against God. I was not raised in a religious environment. The Devil was dismissed as a superstitious scare-tactic, and my parents taught my brother and I to hold anyone who talked about the Devil in contempt. That stuff wasnt what impressed me. The balls behind it, however, were impressive. People involved with the occult tend to shun any association with Satanism. For the most part, what they are really after is a lifestyle that is kooky, but acceptable to society at large. Satan, by definition, is never going to have that kind of legitimacy. What attracted me to LeVay, and later to Crowley, was their willingness to defy convention and to push the boundaries of their culture. However shallow the ideas in the Satanic Bible are, they are better than the intro-fluff that also minimizes actual knowledge and study, and also says that all you need for your magick to be effective is to BELIEVE in it. Now, LeVay says that, and a lot of the less interesting frauds say that too, but Let us take a moment to observe that this is the polar opposite of learning. Were supposed to be using contact with higher intelligences, higher states of bring, and higher degrees of attainment to make PROGRESS of some kind, toward a definite goal. If you take out new ideas (something you believe in is necessarily in your head already) then all you have is confirmation of old ideas, which makes no progress whatsoever. Magick that only works if you believe in it can never show you anything you have not seen before. We all have gods and devils, and by analyzing our values we discover who they are. Also, the idea is ludicrous from any remotely scientific perspective. Water flows downhill whether you believe in it or not. If belief makes magick so powerful, why arent people believing themselves out of

prison? Or into millions of dollars? Or into positions of political power? The difference between these guys and Satanism is that Satanism has balls. Maybe the average Satanists ideas tend to be the same as your average secular humanist, but so are the ideas of a lot of modern occult writers. Satanism, however much it tries to keep its values in line with the cultural mainstream, will never be acceptable. They cant just brush off what they are doing as a little kooky and not so spooky like half-assed Thelemites try to do. Rejecting the term Satanic because you dont like the crowd it puts you in is acquiescence to the stupid. It lets morons set the terminology for the debate. While I understand this, I cant allow it. I refuse to reword things to prevent stupid people from misunderstanding them. Stupid people are never going to get Thelema anyway. There is no point in trying to make it easier for them to understand, because it doesnt MATTER if they understand or not. If someone is too dumb to follow along, why would I want them involved in a project that I actually care about? I would like to emphasize this point again: what appears to be evil depends completely on ones values. Any challenge to those is Satanic; any confirmation of those is not. This is what I find so pernicious about the idea that we are Born Thelemites, or as LeVay said, Born Satanists. If what you believed for your entire life is being confirmed by religion or philosophy, it is not promoting change or creating challenges, and therefore un-Satanic, regardless of what your tattoos say. It is also un-Thelemic, because Thelema inherently involves a kind of personal transformation, no matter what your starting point was. There could never be a Satanic conspiracy because the draw is too general. Satan means something different to different people. Satan is the enemy, or the adversary. Different people are trying to be the enemy of different things by associating themselves with Satanism. My point? Thelema might be Satanic (if you listen to Crowley and Aiwass) but Satanism is not Thelemic. There is no implied work to be done. No attainment to seek. No challenge to answer. That is the ultimate failure of Satanism as a serious movement, and the ultimate appeal of Satanism in a secular humanist society. You get to look like a big-time bad guy in a culture that has really stopped taking Satan all that seriously, and has the culturally established value of religious tolerance so long as the basic taboos are not violated. Ultimately, a more valuable question than Is Thelema Satanic? might be Why are Thelemites so hostile to the notion that Thelema is Satanic? What is at stake when we make that distinction? Do we stand to lose something by associating these ideas?

I suspect that "we" stand to lose people who are uncomfortable with the idea that they are part of a Satanic belief system. If someone is worried about being despised by society, uncomfortable with the notion that their beliefs put them in tension with cultural norms and the accepted view of right and wrong, and concerned whether or not other people think that they are good, they are not only not a Thelemite, but they are not an individual, and until they conquer those fears they will be incapable of becoming one. A coward connot be trusted with anything of value. The one who fears him is the worst of all cowards, and also the most common. If someone is unafraid of the hatred of the people, they will have no problem with the Satanic label. Its not a label that one seeks to self-apply unless one wishes to rather dramatically announce ones intention to be an absolute pain in the ass, but its not a label that one rejects unless one is worried about what other people think. This is why it is so interesting to observe that mainstream occultism tends to reject this label before anyone even bothers to apply it to them. They seem to actively want to be victims, but for the most part they are not stimulating enough for anyone to bother victimizing them. When I chose to self-apply the label of Satanist I was sixteen and clueless. As time wore on, and I began to practice ceremonial magick using the Keys of Solomon and the Pauline table as a system (approx. 1998-2003) I continued to apply that label. My LeVeyanism died quickly, although my respect and admiration for someone who took it upon himself to found a Church of Satan (padded, self-serving biography notwithstanding) remains to this day. There was not enough depth in his ideas to sustain a lasting interest by someone who actually reads books, but I had moved on to Crowley and Nietzsche by that time. It was a very natural progression. All the same, I was pretty hostile to Thelema. Its formalism struck me as stuffy and its followers as obnoxious. Although I hadnt seriously studied Liber AL, at the time I was pretty sure that Crowley just made it up for the purpose of self-aggrandizement. I was encouraged in this theory by numerous OTO members, which made me think that you had to be brain damaged to be one. Why would you join a group whose ideological foundation comes from someone you hold in contempt? At that time I had met few Thelemites that seemed to really take it seriously, or have any respect for Crowley. He was more like a clown than a prophet to them, and I found myself sticking up for him to the Thelemites more than once. I liked all the things about Crowley that they hated. His vitriolic personality, his crowing and boasting, his elaborate word games, his too sweet for this shit attitude, the way he compared himself to Shakespeare and Jesus, and most of all (the thing that this group seemed to mock more than anything) his poetry. I also liked the fact that he took sex and drugs seriously, and resented people who implied that taking these things seriously was an excuse to indulge. The more I worked with ceremonial magick, the more it became clear to

me that the Crowley material had more of value in it than all the other magical texts I had read added together. The straw that broke the camels back was a vision of the star of Babalon that appeared during an Enochian working (kind of Constintinian, eh?). The angel convinced me to perform vel Reguli, a ritual that at the time I presumed was invented by Crowley to drain magical energy from his followers. The fact that it involved directing energy at his house was what gave me this idea, so I had always looked at that particular ritual with contempt and hostility. Of course, I had completely misunderstood the implications about the significance of that spot, but I would not realize that for some time. When I next performed it I found, not only that I could see the spirit that I was trying to contact more clearly, but also it seemed to reach down and seek ME out. Normally it took a little bit of wandering around, chasing them down and, usually, I had to do the astral equivalent of jumping up and down and waving my arms in their faces to even get an Enochian angel to talk to me (I suspect that frustration with this approach on their part was what lead them to recommend Reguli), so I was impressed. In retrospect I am not sure this is accurate. My notes from that working seem to indicate that I had decided to include Reguli as part of the preliminary invocations. Given my hostility to it at the time that seems strange, but this happened during a period that I would randomly pull out stuff from the Bible, the Quran, the Siva sutras, and so on, just to see if it would change anything or somehow make a working more effective. Employing Reguli here may have just been a whim of mine at the time. Then again, maybe I wrote up the ritual afterward, and just included the requested ritual with the rest of the invocations. For the life of me I dont remember which. This was the first big working I did after self-initiating, and I hadnt quite got the knack of taking notes while skrying down at this point, so the record is a bit sketchy. Certainly, the fondness that I had developed for Aleister Crowley as a human being while defending his reputation from his own followers helped. I trusted his system. The funny thing was that I had, when I was younger and getting into Satanism, been a lot closer to a Thelemic mindset than I was at my conversion. Four years of taking Religious Studies and Philosophy at the very left-wing St Thomas University (recently criticized by the Catholic Church as a bastion of relativism- and rightly so) had successfully molded me. The very harsh, very Nietzschean ideas about eugenics and Will to Power that I had when I came to that school with were treated with absolute disdain as immature and insensitive, with comparisons to Nazi ideology flowing easily out of my profs from my very first Religious Studies 101 class. Aleister Crowley was the only subject we were explicitly forbidden from researching for our presentations in that class. We were told we could talk about whatever we wanted, just not Crowley. That was literally the only

guideline. If nothing else about the man peaked my interest, that certainly did.

Under a great deal of pressure from people who I had come to respect, I slowly began to come around to their way of thinking, and had stopped believing in the notion of truth or practical application of philosophy. At the same time, I had a background in the classics of philosophy and literature and the practices of several religions (most notably Islam- my main focus at school), which made a great deal of the previously unintelligible Crowley material, clear to me. I could follow what he was saying a lot better, and there was less of the "fumbling in the dark" that I felt when I picked up Magick in Theory and Practice straight out of high school. As I competed my education, these books started to make more and more sense to me. When I began to really STUDY Thelema, I found that everything old is new again. The ideas which first attracted me to Satanism were there (strength as good, weakness as bad, and a lot of chapter III stuff) with one key difference: they were developed in depth, to the point where I realized that I could read Crowley for the rest of my life. That well would NEVER run dry. The impact of that realization on a committed bibliophile cannot be underestimated. With every other occult author there comes a time when this "drying up" happens. After a certain point you've just heard everything that they have to say, and they are repeating themselves. LeVay was done after the Satanic Witch, his last interesting work. Regardie stays afloat for longer than most, and he interprets the G:.D:. system very well, but a lot of the stuff hes writing is really more the elucidation of magical techniques described in the Z2 documents than original work. Incidentally I was talking somewhat out of my ass here. I had only read two of Regardies books. When I began the third I realized I had heard everything interesting he had to say. Persistent attempts to engage his work have only diminished my opinion of Regardie. Robert Anton Wilson can survive for two or three books before you realize hes playing the same song over and over, and if youve read ONE Duquette book, youve read em all. Maybe there will be snippets of new information, but you will be less, not more, informed about the subject after youre done, because you will now have the readers digest version clouding your thoughts on the subject. Actually, Duquette has more in common with LaVey than any other two occult writers I can think of, in the sense that they promote unchallenging secular values behind a shocking, apparently religious, agenda, and in that they both espouse a theory of magick which basically says it works if you believe in it, which is stupid. The major

difference between the two is that LeVay went out of his way to make benign ideas seem hostile, edgy and dangerous, and Duquette goes out of his way to make hostile, edgy and dangerous ideas seem benign. To fear the label of Satan is to fear to reject normative values, whatever the normalizing factor of those values may be. True Satanism is far deeper than a rejection of Christianity- it is a rejection of what is accepted as Good. We all must pass through a period of Satanism before we are able to create our own values. Our attractions must become repulsions and our repulsions attractions until we have neutralized both, cease to attach to either, and may choose how we relate to each as a matter of conscious decision. Lets be clear about something: we live in a secular society. The practice of magick is Satanic in a way that it could never hope to be under the Christian church, which has its own rituals, because it is the ultimate personal rejection of secularism: an attempt to actualize the spirit through divine legitimacy and authority. All sincere religion is Satanic from the perspective of the secular value system. This is not a word to be afraid of. This is a word that the ignorant use to describe their enemies, so if you find that its been applied to you, well... you must be doing SOMEthing right.

The Sacrifice to the Shadow

Open with Tuat, invocation 93, Keys 1 & 2 face 418 this is the truth, this is the truth, this is the truth Nuit! Blue-lidded daughter of sunset, of whose beauty the space and the stars are but the first veil, part your lips and let me in! Let the phantoms of space and time haunt me no more. Deliver me unto the absolute in your embrace, so that, when my work is realized, I might COME to UNDERSTANDING: I do hereby relinquish all of my goods unto those that they may serve that desire them not. I do hereby relinquish the vigor of my physical body, for it is but the ship that will sail to BABALON I do hereby relinquish all earthly lust and forsake all earthly love, for I do sacrifice every love in my heart to the Holy Whore of Heaven whose name is MYSTERY I do hereby relinquish all of my creations! Let the vultures and jackals have at them, for they are no longer of me and I will not defend them. I do hereby declare of my own Free Will: that I shall be impoverished of earthly possessions, devoid of earthly health, void of earthly love and free of all the Gods I have created. I do hereby declare of my own Free Will: that my only wealth, my only health, my only passion, my only child, my only light shall be the LOVE OF LADY BABALON This I do swear, by the infinite expanse of Nu, by the atomic fire of Had, and by the Hawk-Headed Ra-Hoor, Lord of Silence and Strength, that I might rage upon the firmament to pour out the blood of my life into the Golden Cup of BABALON (abased- not prostrate) And yet... and yet... My Will is clouded, mine angel distant, and my work has lengths to go.

Therefore, bind me with the seven seals. SEAL ME by the face in the mirror of mine heart SEAL ME by the word that unites us in the void SEAL ME by that which moves me SEAL ME in golden chains of light and love SEAL ME by the strength of justice SEAL ME by yielding mercy SEAL ME by the infinite veil of space and time Let me be the child and prophet of Armageddon. All of these seals I shall avail to open, not by the vials of the servants of a Jealous God, not by scourging, by fasting, by drugs, by sacrifice, by prayer, by magick or by force shall I avail - and none of these shall I have! I shall come unto the End by all that is mine, by the Love of Lady BABALON. I shall become my father. And my child shall be the Son of God who is GOD by the grace of God, in the ineffable name Baphomet. For I am the Snake that giveth Knowledge & Delight and bright glory, and stir the hearts of men with drunkenness. To worship me take wine and strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They shall not harm ye at all. It is a lie, this folly against self. The exposure of innocence is a lie. Be strong, o man! lust, enjoy all things of sense and rapture: fear not that any God shall deny thee for this. I am alone. There is no God where I am. Thoughts are false Words are Lies None is Two (repeat 33 times) Existence is Pure Joy Therefore Fear not at all; fear neither men nor Fates, nor gods, nor anything. Money fear not, nor laughter of the folk folly, nor any other power in heaven or upon the earth or under the earth. Nu is your refuge as Hadit your light; and I am the strength, force, vigor, of your arms. Mercy let be off! Damn them who pity! Kill and torture! Spare not! Be upon them! For me there is no death. Only the kisses of Nuit. (aloft) Hear me! Thou art the winging of the swan! I am the rational fool. Thou art the coiling serpent! I glow. I breathe. Thou art the goat of the spirit, the Lord of creation!

I am the maiden who stirs your lust. I am truly the light! Thou art truly the shadow. (Animadversion towards the Aeon) Behold the Age of Horus! A law writ in fire and blood with swords and spears! The law of the woman girt with sword in might and majesty! A law that calls for blood to flow to the name of Ra-Hoor-Khuit! Many are the ordeals! I shall not fear them. Great are the rewards! I shall not seek them. Let my oath be the command of Aiwass: I shall FEAR NOT AT ALL that NOTHING shall divert me from my Will. (the sacrifice follows) My inspiration here was something I found in the Tibetan Book of the Dead. When you do self-initiation, its important to do it more than once, in more than one way. There is sort of the dramatic trigger, the first time you break that barrier, but you dont just leave it be. Barriers can reform themselves. What was learned can be lost. Finding new and creative ways to proclaim ones intentions for the order and the work is essential. This is the final version of a ritual I modified many times. The imagery comes from what was shown to me by NANTA on Jan. 28 2003, as described in the text. This vision literally initiated my initiation.

I was alive in the fire 2006-12-01

As of this day upon which I have decided to turn a collection of diary entries and scribbled notes into a coherent record, it has been one year since the fire, and that event continues to affect my life in subtle and not-sosubtle ways. After my Thelemic conversion I took the order that Crowley issues in Magick in Theory and Practice about balancing ones magick very seriously. Although I had done a great deal of work with the Goetia, and a number of evil pagan deities from the Nordic tradition (Loki and Fenrir being the most frequently visited intelligences) I had never so much as considered attempting an Angelic working. The notion of working with Angels like Raphael and Michael frankly made me nauseous, and I felt with inexplicable certainty that they must be terribly boring and obnoxious. Recognizing this as a problem, I took a vow to halt all demonic workings for one year, and to stick to the Hebrew and Enochian angels. This began with what I called the Assiah operation, which constituted sixty-five days of angelic invocations, ten for Sandalphon, nine for Gabriel, etc. These invocations started with fairly simple biblical references, attributions from 777 and mathematical aspects of the angel's name derived from Sephir Sephirot, but they became more poetic and elaborate as the workings continued. The major advantage to this kind of working, aside from the information I acquired from the angels themselves, is that it forced me to really memorize the tables in 777, which I had not really put the work into doing before. By the end of it, besides the fact that I was going around with my hair standing on end, I received a few crucial pieces of information. One was that a confrontation with an entity (Samael- 131, which Crowley computes as Pan in the Greek gematria. Later, when I began to work with, rather than against, this entity I became suspicious that he serves a very similar purpose for me that Pan did for Crowley, N.O.X. being thematically similar to blinding venom) I had contacted and worked with before my conversion was necessary. I had tried, a number of times, to break my link to this entity, but on every occasion my mind would blank, and crucial parts of the ritual would escape me. During the Assiah operation I learned that I could exploit this link to my advantage if I reformulated it according to my own Will. This would require a certain contest that I was told must take place during the second phase of the suns journey through Sagittarius, in other words, the period from December 3 to December 12. The operation itself would take three days. I was informed that, to be prepared for this work, I would have to unite

my consciousness, at least temporarily, with the angel Raphael. The method that I was given to achieve this would take thirty-six days of prayer. By the time I had completed the Assiah operation, the opening of the gateway would occur in precisely forty days. In other words, I had one-day of wiggle-room, and that was it. I realize now that this was a challenge, and that I failed to rise to it. I decided, instead of trying to fit into the time allotted, that I would try to put some kind of magical patch on the link to prevent it from being used against me as best I could. To accomplish this, I approached the God Mentu for help, and I was informed that, although he would not protect me, per se, he could see to it that the conditions in which I could conduct the ritual would not degrade at all. I was cautioned that the coming year would be dangerous, but that so long as I was conscious of the link, I would be able to guard against it. So I spent the year in preparation. I wanted to have the nicest temple furniture that I could, so I built and consecrated new equipment. I moved to a more spacious apartment where I decided to use my room strictly as a temple and eschew normal comforts there. I created an army of charged sigils, plastered from floor to ceiling, to help me with the confrontation when it would finally take place. Two days before the gateway would open, there was a fire. I was, needless to say, a little put out. Utterly bereft of even the simplest tools that I would have had if I did the ritual on time (remember- this is a lesson in punctuality) I managed to pull it off. I had been offered a challenge, declined it, and been forced into a much more difficult challenge. This, in retrospect, is when I became absolutely certain that my initiation had worked. It was looking for my weaknesses to strengthen them. If you fear to undergo the curses, they will be all the more terrible for it. If you try to hold back and protect yourself by going small, look out. I couldnt put the brakes on it if I tried. I would only add that I was not totally without tools. What I neglected to mention at the time was that the crappy old tools I had at the time the angels told me to perform this working were in storage, and safe from the flames. It was only my nice, new stuff that went up in smoke. I didnt lose as much as I could have. Many of my books miraculously survived, and the money from the insurance let me expand my library considerably. I got some great editions of Plato's dialogues and Aristotle's metaphysics, as well as doubling my collection of occult books. Interestingly, because I keep my magical library separate from my mundane books those were the least damaged, with one unfortunate exception. My 1910 edition of Papus' Tarot of the Bohemians was so badly smoke-damaged that the goldinlay on the cover and the nice binding were totally ruined. To this day, that

pisses me off beyond imagination. A good two years worth of recording and editing on that fucking thing were totally lost and destroyed. I was so demoralized by this that I did not pick up an instrument again until June of 2012. The death of my rats was the saddest part for me. Under the circumstances I felt responsible. The fire created many changes in my personal life, leading to the end of one relationship and the abominable mutation of a couple of others, but those are minor details compared with the loss of my pets. Elvis and the Kernal were both a little messed up, but that was why I loved them. Darla and Drusilla, my present rats, are a lot better behaved, friendly, and clean, but theyre just not the same. In retrospect, I learned a number of valuable lessons from this experience, not the least of which being a deep physical education in the impermanence of all things. Life can change its face very quickly. I only stepped out to have a coffee and to work on my thesis when I received a phone call informing me that there was no home to return to.

The Use of Gematria 2011-02-21 18:30:00

Gematria is a system of ascribing relations between words and concepts by reducing those words to pure number and exploring the relations between words and names that add to the same number. One can also look at relations between various numbers and come to new understandings about the concepts they are associated with. Gematria, for me, has three uses. On one hand, it is a system for producing insight. While we may not necessarily go along with the idea that there is some objective relationship between these numbers and these ideas, associating the ideas with numbers gives us another way to look at them. These shifts of perspective allow us to see old information in a new light, and come to realizations that we would not have otherwise been capable of. The same can be said for various Kabalistic methods of obtaining information by comparing the minute details of letter shape, initials of words in sentences and so on. Bringing these ideas back to number is crucial, as we can use basic mathematics to describe numerous ways in which one number might be said to relate to another, and try to find analogies between those abstract concepts and their particular manifestations in language. It could be said that this is arbitrary, but the system hinges on two main points. One is the idea that everything is connected. If this is not just some hippy trippy nonsense, then we can obtain information about anything by looking at anything else, as long as we find the right way to look at both of those things and draw analogies between them. This brings us to point number two. Success is your proof. The way we determine what the right way to obtain information is simple: did we obtain useful information or not? It is worth noting that this question is not possible to answer unless we are looking for information with the intent to use it. The second use is as a means of verifying communication with spiritual beings and interpreting their meaning. In both astral encounters and evocation it is sometimes very difficult to separate ones own interior dialogue or expectations from the information one receives. By removing the communication an extra step from our conscious influence we make it more difficult to unintentionally fudge the data with our own thoughts, expectations, and desires. By obtaining a word or series of letters from a spirit as a confirmation of its identity, the veracity of its information, or even

as a means of expressing some idea as an answer to a question itself, we have an invaluable means of interpreting spiritual communications. For example, if I am looking to verify the identity of a spirit, I begin by asking for its name. Usually I get a word that either adds to the correct number, or has some analogous meaning. Because of her role in my work, 156 or 136 are both good results for an invocation of Istar, but 666, although it is a good number, is not. In really good communications, I find that there are usually relations between all the numbers that appear. If you dont find this, try to identify the odd number out and take that piece of information, whatever it may be, with a generous helping of salt. In a recent invocation of the same Goddess, I received the numbers 156, 561, 615, and 181. Three of these are arrangements of the same digits, and another is totally different. 181 also adds up to words indicating vicious or faulty, making it doubly suspicious. Sometimes one finds an obvious progression. In another working with Istar after opening OXO I got 161, 191, 221, and 121. The first three are separated by 30 each, and the last is reduced by 100. I would consider this to be good in spite of the fact that 121 breaks the pattern, because it has the association with the Lotus, and the Nelumbo Lotus is always the way which the vision of the rose of 49 petals appears to me when I open that aethyr. Building personal connections to aspects and entities through repeated workings is the only way to establish that kind of awareness. Sometimes numbers appear during a working that have no apparent relation to the entity in question, but when they consistently appear with every working with that entity one comes to see that number as a mark, or call sign of the spirit. For example, there is one entity I work with frequently which has NEVER failed to produce 202 when the working was successful. I have never quite understood the relationship between that spirit and that number, but through experience I have come to regard it as a particularly good omen. It was only after a couple of months, while writing a summary of my records, when I realized it had appeared in each successful working. In the case of establishing the veracity of a communication or appearance of a spirit, understanding is less important than efficient recognition and consistency. But once again, if you do not work with the same entities over and over, you cannot possibly know what consistent behavior is, or recognize a sign of that nature.

Eye became a Pupil 2007-06-11 15:25:00

In the effort to make a worthy account of my work over the last few years, there is another reference point that must be established. Someone who appears in virtually every protracted working that I attempted since Mar. 17 2004 is a spirit that I will refer to as "Mr. Church" He was introduced to me as someone that could teach me about the astral plane, and he would become one of my trusted advisors. Time and time again he proved his insight, his foresight, and his ability to force me to look at things that I would have been more than happy to gloss over. Early in our relationship I was highly suspicious of him and what he claimed to be. It wasnt until after the Assiah operation, on Tzadkiels advice, that I really accepted him as a teacher. In retrospect, however, much of my magical success, and virtually all of my success in Liber E is attributable to my relationship with this entity. The first time I heard the name was during a working that involved the Enochian Cherub earth of air, shortly after my big operation of contacting all sixteen had been completed. This entity introduced us, and told me to use John Dees oration for wisdom in conjunction with invocations of the archangels (along with a few words that I had picked up during the Cherubic working) to build a body suitable for a spiritual entity to inhabit to instruct me in the astral plane, control of my body, and my pursuit of the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. In short, in those matters pertaining to the middle-pillar of the outer college. There was a personal event that coincided with my learning his name, and being instructed to seek him out specifically as a teacher. It was something that caused a profound crisis for me. One part of that crisis had to do with my magical work, and the other manifested itself in spite of my own feelings about the matter, and more because of how virtually everyone else in my life began to treat me because of it. Their expectations of my reactions lead me into a number of traps. When ones priorities are aligned in such a way that petty jealousy, financial security, and material possessions have little or nothing to do with ones rational analysis of a situation or ones emotional reactions to it, people become confused, or even angry, when one does not have the response which would normally be expected. I wasnt the guy they used to know. In short, I was changing at a very rapid pace, but I was surrounded by people

who had known me for years. This is not a good combination. People tend to get in their heads this is what Ryan is like, and if Ryan starts to change, his friends can do a great deal to reinforce previous normative behaviors. In a sense it isnt fair to ones friends, because initiation does create rapid change when its done right, and its only reasonable for people to expect someone theyve known for a long time to be the same person, not to turn a characterstructure 180 in a few months. This is a serious obstacle, and part of the reason I moved from Fredericton to Toronto to do my HGA working, when it came time for that. On March 17, 2004, during a conversation with the earth of air cherub, I as told that the name of the spirit I needed to get in contact with was Mr. Church. He was a gnomic, an inhabitant of the plane of Tzedek and angel of the Cashmalim. I was given instructions for the construction of a simple talisman, and shown an image of the spirit to help me recognize him. After Tzadkiel confirmed his legitimacy as a guide and ally, I began to contact him more frequently, and ask his advice in fulfilling the points shown to me by the archangels. He always appeared holding a sword, to cut through the confusion and assumptions that clouded my view of magick, and a whip, with which to spur me onward. Other than that, he appeared in diverse forms. The sword and the whip were the only constants, save his face, which was also the same every time: an oval eye with two vertical lines trisecting it, containing a lightning-bolt pupil. At one point he joked that he was one who can bring his pupil the flash of lightning, but I got the impression that this particular comment illustrated his sense of humor (he loves to send me down blind alleys in pursuit of an esoteric interpretation of an off-the-cuff witty remark, always to emphasize that I need to be more discerning about what I decide to read in to) more than any esoteric secret of his appearance. The first thing that he demanded of me was that I confront and overcome my fear of Liber AL and to pay attention to what aspects of the book really upset me. At the time it seemed like very strange, and very suspicious, advice. In retrospect, that initial piece of instruction was responsible for a great deal of my subsequent advancement, both in magick and in my personal life. He wasnt at all confrontational about Thelema. He tended to let me off on disagreements knowing that, in due time, experience would make his point. I often wondered if he caused certain events to happen, or if he had known that they would happen in advance and chose to make vague allusions to them, or if I had been influenced or infected by what he said, turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Its a purely academic distinction, but as a Gnostic, I really want to know the answer to that. Just because a being can see the future doesnt prevent it from meddling in the present, after all, so the ability to do one hardly precludes the other. At the same time, his manifestations never included any special effects of any

kind, and he never indicated that he was capable of directly influencing the material world, although he was capable of lending or denying his support for particular magical operations. He did provide me special instruction in remote viewing, something that I am still not able to do reliably without his assistance. I got the idea that this was one of his areas of expertise, which makes a bit of a case for can see but cant necessarily effect. I could have simply been the link that enabled him to do that, however. As I said: an academic distinction. We spoke about once a week, more or less. The time would be longer between visits if I was dragging my feet chasing down the most recent leads he had given me (I quickly learned not to come to him unless I had taken care of all the business that came up during our last meeting) and shorter if I was particularly productive. In my experience, protracted dealings with a particular spirit lead to the development of a very specific ceremony intended to contact that spirit in particular, and Mr. Church was no different. Spirits that have enough self-awareness to be properly understood as individuals with personalities CAN be invoked by a standardized method appropriate to their elemental nature, but as you get to know them better they do expect you to incorporate what you have learned. What was good enough the first time will not be good enough the second time. One of the first lessons that I learned from this spirit was that, if I managed to verify a connection with ANY intelligence that I might ever desire to speak with again, that my final question to them should always be what is the best way to invoke/ evoke/ conjure you by? This seems pretty obvious, but the obvious isnt obvious when it comes to magick. Mr. Church also showed me the way in which passages from the Thelemic Holy Books could be applied to invoke certain currents and elements to better prepare the temple for the operation I was trying to accomplish, whatever that might be. Again: this isnt rocket science. I suspect that Crowley may have considered this so obvious that it wasnt worth treating in great detail. It certainly makes his insistence that A:.A:. aspirants memorize the material make a lot of sense. This entity was a distinct individual who claimed to be the impression left upon the astral light by a particular life. He told me that he was the selfawareness of the symbol of this life, not the essence of the departed itself. That essence, according to Mr. Church, exists in numerous different incarnations in the world now, as it always has. He was the memory of an occurrence of that essence under a particular set of conditions. He claimed that he had been an artist while he lived, as a monk in Italy during the sixteenth century, born to a wealthy Italian father and an Arab woman. I never succeeded in identifying him anywhere in history or in art, so I didnt talk to him much about his background. Whenever the conversation turned to this topic it made me uncomfortable. I dont like things that I cant check.

PART II: The Workings

He must behold his soul in all its awful nakedness, he must not fear to look on that appalling actuality. He must discard the gaudy garments with which his shame has screened him; he must accept the fact that nothing can make him anything but what he is. He may lie to himself, drug himself, hide himself; but he is always there. Magick will teach him that his mind is playing him traitor. It is as if a man were told that tailors' fashion-plates were the canon of human beauty, so that he tried to make himself formless and featureless like them, and shuddered with horror at the idea of Holbein making a portrait of him. Magick will show him the beauty and majesty of the self, which he has tried to suppress and disguise. Having discovered his identity, he will soon perceive his purpose. Another process will show him how to make that purpose pure and powerful. He may then learn how to estimate his environment, learn how to make allies, how to make himself prevail against all powers whose error has caused them to wander across his path. -Aleister Crowley

The Figure of the Cherubs 2007-08-06 20:29:00

It was December of 2003. My experiments with the Goetia brought me no end of trouble, (it is worth noting that I had been terribly irresponsible in my use of this system. I do not consider the Goetia to be intrinsically harmful so long as you follow the instructions) and I had finally finished securing the seals and talismans I had used to deal with the spirits. I tend to think of that time as my brass vessel moment. A few of the spirits I was working with were more or less permitted to run around loose, and when I discovered that this was not as benign as practice as I had naively assumed it would be, they became fairly hostile at the idea of being restrained. Doing so caused a lot of upheaval. There was still one spirit that I trusted implicitly, who had not been involved in the attempts to terrify, isolate, and create a dependence on me, and that was Haures. At the time, I should note, I was using Babylonian names for my invocations and circle (Shamash, Tiamut, Marduk, Istar, Ereshkigal, Nergal). My attempts to be more orthodox in my magick had lead me to use some Hebrew and Enochian, but I didnt really understand either system at the time, and so spirits refused to swear by the names I employed until I reverted to the more familiar Babylonian Gods. Haures responded well to these, and offered me a strange, to me, piece of advice when I evoked him on December 28. He told me to seek harmony with Nuit, something that was really of no interest to me. I became somewhat indignant, because I was asking for protection for me AND my fianc, and I sensed that what he was asking me to do was something that I would have to do alone. I am not only thinking of myself. I told him. No, you are not, but I am. he replied. By serving my will, I said, You serve all those who are bound to it. Remember that they are part of this too. No, he told me, simply and clearly, they are not. I started to look more deeply into Nuit, and into Thelema, and into the A:.A:. system. I had been impressed with it for some time. It was something that I turned to when I didnt have any particular inspiration for an occult subject to study or pursue. I hadnt really devoted myself to fulfilling all of the requirements, but I tried the various practices, sometimes following instruction more carefully than others, and slowly but surely came to realize that, if I really wanted to get anywhere with magick, just like with the Goetia, I

had to fulfill all the requirements, and go through the system from the bottom up. Before, I had always said to myself, hey, I can evoke demons! what else do I need to know? Having answered that question (the answer being a great deal) I decided that if there was anything worth spending, and possibly wasting, a lifetime on: this was it. I still had no interest in Nuit or in Thelema, but I didnt think that would be important to fulfilling the requirements of the A:.A:. system. When I actually started doing the work it became unavoidable. I knew that magick was real, and I knew that it wasnt just something that you could pull out of your ass. This seems to be the first hurdle for most people, but at this point I had been aware of that fact for some time. I had also come to realize, after repeated workings, that magick is better if you get ALL of the little details right, if you have everything memorized, if every breath and motion is significant to the working, and if you perfectly understand the correspondences in question. I had always seen that as too much work. Now, when I looked at the question again, I said to myself if its going to take a long time, Id better get started now. There was no doubt in my mind that attainment by this system would be worthwhile. I had no one to initiate me, of course, but a passage in Crowleys Confessions had caught my attention. no sooner does a man make up his mind to enter the Path of the Wise than he rouses automatically the supreme hostility of every force, internal or external, in his sphere. It seemed to me that if I had the audacity to declare my allegiance to the order and my willingness to undergo whatever ordeals that it would require of me to make that happen (along with the requisite oath) in the austere presence of the most powerful forces I could invoke (using the Bornless invocation, the first and second Enochian keys, and what I understood from Liber Pyramidos). It was the third week of January. My first real magical record begins on February 15. I had volumes of scattered notes from observations, experiments, and readings of occult texts that preceded this, but none of it is organized or dated. This may sound like a facile approach. Perhaps it was. There may be protests. My objection is simple: it worked. I experienced a number of losses which I have described elsewhere, most notably the ending of my engagement to Freya, (which was the major factor in my life plan at that point) all of which devastated me at the time, but none of which would have been in any way harmonious with the path that I had realized my intent to follow. The old life must be destroyed before the new life can begin. And mine was, utterly. I didnt take it particularly well, but then, who does? I began to busy myself, among other things, with trying to figure out how I might represent the universe, or how I might contact someone who

could show me how to do that. I chose the Enochian watchtowers for my subject, because the tablets are divided along elemental lines, and it seemed like going to the four corners of the universe would be as good a start as any. For me it was vital to have an experience of elemental forces individually, to teach my senses how to recognize them. It is all very well and good to say that fire of water is the will or energy of emotion. It makes some sense intellectually, but how does one apply this information? What good is it? How do you identify and modify this energy? I already had some experience feeling the elemental forces through the pentagram, but I wanted something with a little more substance. If one is actually in the presence of a spirit that is composed of this energy, it seems logical to me that the senses of the physical and the subtle body both get an impression of that spirit. In other words, you learn what the energy feels like in the same way youd learn to recognize a note of music or the taste of a particular spice. My major concern was being able to identify types of energy on the astral plane, so that I would know what pentagrams to employ under what circumstances without having to stop and think about it. There were times during the following encounters that I feared for my life, my soul and all the rest of it. Whether or not these fears were justified, reasonable, or sane, is not a question that I can answer. The first spirit that I attempted to contact was the air of air angel. We didnt really talk for long, and my initial impression was that this entity was embarrassed for me, like a sporty man about town confronted by a dude in a garbage-bag with Kleenex boxes on his feet. It wasnt exactly the reception that I was looking for, but he did acknowledge me right away. He declared that I was beset by cacodemons and tried to show me how to clear them away. The word and image he gave me both indicated the number 370, which would become tremendously significant later. I relate some part of this as being a causal factor in the Istar operation. In fact, in all of my efforts toward realizing the key and the lock riddle that I received during the Assiah were connected with this number (see Liber CCCLXX). The most significant thing about this was the vision of the divided pyramid. The figure started very simply in the working, but as I began to evoke and commune with more of the Enochian watchtower angels, it started to become more detailed and packed with more information. In many ways, my work with the watchtowers was the process of slowly elaborating and understanding this image. The picture was simple enough. A pyramid, the right side light, the left side dark. The angel wasnt showing me something that was completely unintelligible to me. When I had decided to look at the corners of the earth, I figured that the best way to start would be an invocation of NANTA, which I had performed that morning. It was disrupted by the sound of an alarm clock

shattering against the wall in the next room, indicating that Freya was awake, ready to start her day, and likely to make an appearance, but I did receive two pieces of information. One was if you take the holy road, you will end your days in hell. Enter by the shadow side, wallow in the filth and slime, and thus ascend to the divine. The second was, it is your destiny to go into the shadow. It is not your destiny to return. (The Sacrifice to the Shadow ritual is obviously derived from this, and the table of practice designed for me by my HGA is a truncated pyramid version of this. This image will re-occur regularly over years of repeated workings.) None of this sounded particularly appealing to me, but the vision that the angel revealed seemed to indicate that there was something deeper than my emotional responses to the particular words at work here. It was a simple vision, but after the communication with NANTA earlier that day, it took on a profound significance. As a parting shot, the added this before he left: If there are no necks to be hewn by the sword the arm must be kept flexible lest it grow rigid lest you spend your nights drinking and your days dancing and find your sword a plowshare when you return to prepare for war The next working occurred on February third, 2004 3:00 am, skrying the cherub of fire of air. I saw him right away, but it took some time and effort to get him to notice me. Eventually he seemed willing to share some of his time to sit for a portrait, which I drew for him rather poorly (I have no artistic talent in the field of sketching and drawing whatsoever, and am usually capable of rendering astral entities in no more detail than shapes and shadows, although charcoal provides a good medium for this style). He presented me with a totally two-dimensional image of the pyramid, where the point was a perfect right angle. In this case, the tornado that I had seen gathering at the base and emanating from the tip was indicated by a sort of square spiral, a procession of ever widening right angles. He called it a convergence in the law. I know that it has something to do with my extended cube diagram from Samael, and the double cube vision from Istar, but exactly what that relationship is, (see following entries) I have yet to determine. Part of me wants to leave that out of this piece, but I think it should be clear that although Ive been working on the results of this work for a long time, I am by no means done with it. I came to understand that this was a representation of the same whirlwind of power perfectly expressed through the square formula of the watchtowers (as opposed to the curves of the aethyrs) but the practical application of that relationship remains unclear. He gave me his sign and we talked for a while. He clearly didnt think too much of me, but I got the impression that he was sort of bored, or had nothing better to do at the moment. Before he left, I felt a flash of terror such

as I had never before experienced, and the whole vision became that of a gigantic, unblinking eye with a flaming cross for the pupil. BEWARE THE WATCHFUL EYE. he said, with all of the menace that such an admonishment might imply, and disappeared. It is worth noting that I did not even so much as recognize R. or Xs images while I was seeing them. I merely drew what I saw. It wasnt until the next day that I realized I had been drawing pyramids. They were all slightly lopsided to line up to the ruled lines on the paper. This characterizes most of the images that I recorded during communication with the Enochian angels. I would arrange them on graph paper and they became intelligible, but at the time it was just a bunch of lines and squiggles to me. The next working was February fourth 2004 3:30am, the earth of air spirit, CNBA. C. did not appear at first. Instead of encountering a spirit when the vision began, I became aware of a detailed astral landscape, a plateau of cracked rock beneath my feet, and sky-threatening mountains in the distance. At length, I found my feet on the plane and begin to move. I saw a figure in the distance and began my approach. The figure had a triangular hat or top above what I believed to be the face- it was a luminous orb shape that was impossible to focus on. The body below took a triangular form as well, flowing out into a bell shape like a robe or a gown. Light spilled from the orb and the figure wore a garment of wind- a spiral of energy in the nowfamiliar tornado shape played about the edges of it. She started moving away from me and I followed her into one of the mountains, yelling after her for some kind of attention. It took a long time, almost an hour of astral wandering and screaming, before I got anything out of her. She only had this to say: If eye and sword are keen then shall I be happy then shall be cleared the way lest the arm become rigid I did not attempt to obtain C.s allegiance. It suddenly got the sense, part way through the invocation, that I should not attempt to secure the allegiance of an earth spirit until all other cherubs of that tablet where acquired, to prevent impure spiritual matter being mixed in with it- as earth is always a combination of other elements. This was also the second warning against a rigid arm. I cant help but think of the stiff-arm of the football player when I read this again. There is a tendency to charge after ones desires, pushing obstacles out of ones immediate path without really dealing with them. A keen eye and word clears the way, not by charging ahead, but by systematically confronting and destroying the enemies that threaten it, and making progress thereby. So I proceeded to water of air on February 6, 2004. We talked a little bit about my emotional state regarding the break-up with Freya, and the

imbalance that it had created. The spirit also emphasized that the enemy behind the watchful eye was one of the agents or manifestations of Samael. (This was the first time I had even heard the name as anything other than part of a list in the Satanic Bible, I had no idea who or what the spirit was at that point in time) It instructed me to use the powers of the sphinx to create a perfect reflection in order to transcend this opposition. The image that I received was one of a yin force, an absolutely calm, clear ocean, which by its stillness invokes the most devastating yang of creation. Although I had not attempted the practices of Liber H.H.H. at the time, this vision basically indicates the first exercise of MMM, although it would be about two years before I made that connection. The principle is simple enough. When yin energy extends itself to its fullest point it becomes yang energy, and vice versa. As we will see as the story unfolds, this becoming yin to invoke yang is another image that was elaborated upon by further communications with more spirits. Liber LXV and some chapters of Liber VII (particularly cap. III) deal with this subject, although I had not read those at the time. It wasnt until mid-March that I began to look seriously at Liber LXV and make the connections to the information that I had been given by the Watchtower angels. I suspect that this solidification of information was possible because of the elemental balance that was being struck by invoking each of the sixteen angels (again, I had no real system for doing this, other than bind the earth ones last) but that is merely a guess. To help me in the meantime, the spirit presented me with an object that he assured me would prevent shadows from being cast by your mind. This is significant to my understanding of the demiurge as the blinding venom, or otherwise the one who stands in the divine light, casting the long dark shadow that is creation. The name of the object gematrically came to 108, 2 x 2 x 3 x 3, and indicating a force that can obstruct or create a boundary. I often used it in early astral workings when I needed to take some time to figure out what was going on and what sort of symbols and gestures would be best to employ under the circumstances. Some entities (usually those who I had specifically interacted with before) still noticed me when I used it, but most were not aware of my presence while it was active. Although this spirit was helpful, I still got the feeling that by helping me it was, in a sense, taking pity on the retarded kid. There was a definitely condescending note to our interactions. My methods had become more refined, I had begun to practice the calls before reading them so as to pronounce them more clearly, I no longer needed notes to get through my preliminary invocations, but somehow it wasnt enough. There was part of this that I wasnt getting. I cant say for sure WHY I did what I did next. It was probably just because I was looking for a way to shake things up. I changed the procedure for the next working in a way that seemed pretty meaningless to me at the

time. Before I opened the temple to begin charging up with the Bornless ritual, I performed vel Reguli, a rite that I had never used before. Notice that, when I wrote this up, my memory of that event had changed from when I was previously describing my decision to use Reguli. I came across a few such discrepancies when I was putting these notes together, but each time I did, I could figure out what was correct or incorrect by going back to the original notebook it was recorded in and looking at the entries surrounding it. This is the only one I havent been able to figure out. Feb. 9, 2004. Fire of Water. I saw the astral image of an eagle descend toward me as I completed the conjuration, which slowly unfolded into a humanoid shape. This marked the first time that one of the Enochian spirits directly approached me. We spoke for a little bit, and it was initially flippant, arrogant, and almost sarcastic in its responses to me. I kept being interrupted by an astral image of a baboon scratching itself, which I took as a rather unflattering imitation of my own difficulties in performing the invocation. I still had a terrible rash all over my chest, back, genitals and anus from the work I had been doing on the Tyrant, and not scratching myself during workings was incredibly difficult, especially as I had not done any serious work in asana at that point. While trying to get the spirit to cut this shit out and talk to me normally, I employed some of the names I had only recently used in the Reguli ritual, reasoning that since I had just invoked those forces it would make sense to put them to work for me. This was my first serious departure from the Babylonian names I had used up until that point. I had experimented with numerous different systems, but always half-heartedly. I wouldnt say my heart was in this ritual any more than the others, but the result was unmistakable. The response that I sensed from NLRX was shock and curiosity. In quick succession, I saw the eye of Horus and a blazing star of Babalon, which seemed to be phrased as a question. I answered by saying Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law, (the first time I had ever uttered those words aloud) and the spirit was suddenly very eager to help me. It showed me an image of a rose set in a ruby pentagram, on a lamen of golden lace, mounted on a shining cross. This was the first truly detailed astral vision that I had ever seen, which I was wholly incapable of reproducing on paper. This, he told me, would be the sign to recognize The Brotherhood of the Lion who taught the secrets of the spear and arrow. The spirit also indicated psalm 139 of the Old Testament, and said that it would help me to understand and put to use what had been revealed. My next working was not for some time. The gap was a period during which I tried, and failed, to reorient my life into something a little more pleasant. I worked late into the night, and usually didnt get home until sunrise. The bitter cold kept everyone indoors. All the same, I persisted in

my magical exercises, determined to complete the project I had begun. The next invocation would be air of fire. I was mostly concerned with what the spirit could tell me about my Holy Guardian Angel, and how I might contact it. In response to this question, I saw an astral image of two circles, one within the other, that expanded into a cave dug into a mound in the distance. It looked like the entrance to a mine. I lost track of the angel and called his name. Then I saw a luminous green road awaken under my feet leading into the cave. I followed the road into the darkness. I found the angel there, waiting at a hole in the floor of the cave or mine. He said Here is the asshole of the universe: the gate to the underworld. Here you must go and stage a rescue. I received the impression that the angel was in some way captive (save us from desires that are not ours!). To assist in the general project, I inquired as to its name. The response was an astral image of a triangle reflected in and endless chain of similar triangles. Six divided by fifty, as Crowley points out, comes to 0.12, the Ain of Nuit, the point of Hadit, and the rulership of the fixed stars. Fifty divided by six, on the other hand, gives the result of 8.3R, which is immediately relevant to Baphomet according to Liber CCCLXX verses 18, 35 and 36. This was consistent with the indications of 370 and 77 that I had already received, as well as the general essence of the magical task of bringing ideas into manifestation. Although not a name, per se, it was a good indication of what to look for to authenticate such a discovery. I asked the obvious question: How did my angel come to be held captive in the underworld? The angel said, Because he was capTURED and I suppose thats all you can understand right now. I then beheld an image of a monolithic building with four faces, like a pyramid, but instead it was constructed of trapezoids, with stairs leading to an entrance at the top. D.- You must seek the keys to the world below. Me- Can you give them to me? D.- No. Pass the gate. The riddle of the sphinx. There are a few things worthy of note here, not the least of which what the angel said about my Guardian Angel. After some contemplation it made sense to me. My natal chart shows my sun conjunct Pluto. It stood to a certain kind of reason that that my logos and my underworld would be linked. Therefore any kind of attempt to deal with one is going to involve first making it distinct from the other. I recalled NANTAs words from the outset of my attempts at initiation: It is your destiny to go into the shadow. It is not your destiny to return. This underworld theme re-occurs in the Istar work. I see no reason not to believe that our natal charts somehow determine the flavor of our initiation. I noticed that this spirit made a few references to seeing for me, and

described itself as a scout. With no small amount of interest, I later came to realize that this seemed to hearken back to XGZDs words- I will be an eye unto you. One spirit was air of fire, the other fire of air. Both are obviously connected to the sense of sight. This would be crucial to my next confrontation with S. (the events of Dec. 3-14, 2005, which was preceded by the destruction of my temple by fire, the death of my pets, and the de facto end of my relationship with Sasha). The next step was clear, indicated in the Tarot reading commanded by DOPA. I was to contact PHRA, water of earth, for assistance with the path of Death. This working took place before February 22, although for some reason I failed to record the precise date. After the preliminaries, we got down to brass tacks. P- Now mark this well, it is where the wheel comes to an end. I see here an astral image of the sign Pieces Me- huh? P.- To guide you! Seek your battle in the palace of Icthyus. Me- Is this another key? P.- this is the only key you need (the image appears again) Me- Whats this about my Holy Guardian Angel being held captive? The astral image appears of two spiraling ribbons stretching endlessly in either direction, reminiscent of the staff of Hermes or a DNA spiral. I see again the pyramid, half light and half dark, with an eight-pointed star glowing at the top. I see the steps that lead to the star, whos brightness grows so that the top half of the pyramid is imperceptible. P.- You can only get there if you know the road. Climb to the top of the pyramid of power and make the sign and pull down the sky you will understand Me- What sign must I make? P.- Take the attitude of Athor and be the glowing, breathing sun- the sky will turn to you to restore the balance Me- What of Samael? P.- He is darkness in joy and joy in darkness. His eye is empty, you behold him. He is the serpent. Me- what is the watchful eye? After I asked this question the angel fled in outright terror. I was able to catch up to her and calm her. I promised I would speak no more of it and scratched the question from my notebook, although I remembered asking it later. This, more than anything else I had yet seen, contributed to my growing sense of unease. Me- What does NANTAs prophecy mean? P.- When you stand in that column, you touch all planes you have been in. Your soul is in the underworld. Some part of you will always stay there, just as you will always roam the city of pyramids forever should you set foot there.

Me- How did this happen? P.- I dont know. Me- Who would know? P.- *thinks a long time* I dont know. The one who took it I guess. Me- Is the one who took it the one who has it? P.- HE can never keep! Only take! Woe! Woe! Woe beholding all! I saw here a highly disturbing astral image of a dark planet or egg cracking, terrible light spilling from the crack. I felt a sense of dread and doom at that image which I cannot sufficiently explain. P. provided her sign after this image disappeared. The line glowing breathing sun was one that I recognized from Crowleys poetry involving the barbarous name AR, which was floating around my head as I was trying to commit the Bornless invocation to memory at the time. What struck me was how greatly the described methods of accomplishing this task differed. One spirit told me to ascend a pyramid and tear down the sky, the other suggested I crawl into the asshole of the universe. Later, I concluded that the reason for this was that one spirit was essential feminine, and one masculine. I want to emphasize, sooner rather than later, that this all ties very strongly into the vision of hell given at the climax of my HGA working. As for the Piscean sign and the reference to the house of Icthyus, I was slightly at a loss. The obvious move would have been to head to the plane RGIS, but I was no means capable of sustained astral travel at this stage. It was better that I had to rack my brain for a while, because I discovered a note in my divination log indicating that the time to confront Samael was between March first and tenth, when the sun was in Pieces (my HGA working climaxed on Mar. 3 2010). I feared that all sixteen cherubs could not be secured in that time, but I decided to push my luck and speed things up. I turned to the Goetia to be totally certain that no ambient energy would interfere with that confrontation, which meant cleaning my lens, so to speak. This would require the allegiance of the two spirits that fall under that deacon- Dantalion (venusian) and Marchosias (lunar). In retrospect I believe that I was trying to nail the spirits into a strict one to one style of communication that would make sense if I had memorized the 777 tables at the time, but because I hadnt, I was making incorrect interpretations. I was expecting the data to naturally correspond to 777 before having trained my mind to think that way. This is a description of my work with the Cherubs so theres no need to go into much further detail about that, but I should mention that my relations with Dantalion were particularly rewarding. I found that by concentrating on the

material basis for the spirits manifestation I developed the ability to, for about ten minutes after a long ritual, read minds as easily as one might tune in to a radio station. The ephemeral nature of that power limited its usefulness, (this is not a joke. It was pretty amazing. However, the ritual to get to this state took almost four hours, and the effect only lasted for five or ten minutes) but it is still worth taking note of. I would not have even known about the effect in question if I wasnt living downtown at the time, and happened to nip out for a cup of coffee immediately after completing the days ritual work. Although enjoyable, I didnt learn much from the ritual, except that love conquers fear. A useful enough lesson, but it didnt make much of an impact. (Actually, it did. I had totally forgotten about this when I chose my motto for the Adeptus Minor grade, Agape Nikon Phobos. I didnt make the connection until long after my HGA work was complete and I was going back through the tablets in a working that appears much later in this text) At first I was frustrated by this interaction, but now I believe that it could not have taken place any other way. The following night I invoked the air of earth angel. The working took place on February 26. Me- What can you tell me about Samael? A.- You must await the prescribed time- journey to the summit of the pyramid and make the sign. The sun is the asshole foretold to you. The bottom of one is the top of the other, do you see? I saw the now familiar pyramid with the sun descending on to it- the figure of the sun froze and floated out at me. I saw it was indeed the same luminous double circle shown by DOPA. I perceived that there were two pyramids, joined at the summit, in the position of the water hexagram. Me- What pyramid is this? A.- You will be there by going there. You could not miss it if you were blind. I will take you there myself anyhow. I take you everywhere- anywhere. mark this or be damned! And I perceived a haunting astral image of an eye- sharply defined and outlined in gold with night-blue infinite space within- almost like a mirror A. - When the empty eye beholds you it must be EMPTY! if you see yourself in it, you will never escape Me- What is at stake here, exactly? A.- There are paths where you venture into the underworld and never walk any world again- yea there are paths! The odds that you will survive are good. The risk is terrible. R. tried to tell you. I can tell you because you are ready to understand. R. could only arm you and hope for the best. We all can show you only what you let yourself see- you see more now- but you have yet senses at your disposal that are newly acquired and have yet to be used. Me- Can you teach me to use them ?

A.- seek the king of water- he is next. Then you will have your teachers. But time is of the essence. All depends on time. Bind the angel Hagiel before the first of March- YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW DAYS An image here appears of the empty eye opening, recalling the image shown by P. of the cracking earth or egg- force, pure destructive force spills from it in a solid beam of energy You must make talismans for the angels, also before March first. Me- How shall I design them? A.- The sign of the A.:A.: on the back, paper will do, god names and king name about the sigil itself. Write upon your arms and legs the four letter names- four for each limb, write the spirit names on thy breast and the banner names on thy back- anoint Ajna to see into their world. Me- What is the key to the gate? A. Assume the sign as I show you- one foot forward, feet a quarter of a foot apart, toes pointed forward- arms at seventy degree angles, right up left down, fingers of the left hand pointed forward, fingers of the right hand poised to clasp. When you are prepared to open the gate, clasp the fingers of your right hand and draw it back as though you were removing a veil- keep your eyes closed until this point, here open them and cry: ALZNATAH IASh OLT THOM RESH vel AHDM the door will open care frater, when that door opens it is not easily shut Needless to say there were a number of reasons I took this as cause for some alarm. The possibilities looked grim. Either: A. I WAS damned, and must trust to luck to save myself B. I was insane and attempting to give myself an illusory feeling of importance by manufacturing this bizarre, elaborate fantasy C. I was being tested, and must descend into the underworld certain of my own damnation in order to pass the test- a story of Isaac kind of thing. D. Extra-dimensional beings were having a laugh at my expense. When presented with a list of alternatives, I concluded that reality was some mixture of all four. Finally, my analysis of the provided words of invocation provided was most fruitful. I was able to construct an effective paen out of them, which was suited entirely to the practical application to my particular circumstances, and need not be detailed here. The Angels empty eye is a particularly vivid image, except it seems to be here manifest in otherness through S. I was not ready to identify with him yet. The ritual, based somewhat on the G:.D:. Transformation ritual, which I employed to do this was written and performed after the Assiah Operation. My natural inclination is, and has always been, to the underworld. I needed to prepare myself with devotion to the holy archangels of God, as well as the Cherubs of the Watchtowers, before it would be appropriate for me to follow that inclination to its logical conclusion. The theory is sound, according to

Liber XC and the instruction given in Magick in Theory and Practice. If I had seen myself in Samael while my lust for the pit was still the predominant force in my spiritual landscape, he would BEHOLD, and thus possess, me, overwhelming my self-image. I made the talismans as instructed, using the geometric images I had been given by each angel to help me reach them in future rituals. There was no specified colors or materials so I left them on paper in black and white hoping that this relatively neutral medium would keep interference to a minimum. But this business of the captive angel was difficult to put out of my mind. I had started to develop a sense of the power of the Enochian system, and realized that my casual treatment of it and its guardians in the past was coming back to haunt me, as I had been warned that it would. It was the question of death that drove my communications at this point. The next spirit wanted to make it clear what exactly was at stake. Feb. 27, 2004 7:00 am Invocation of air of water At first I saw an astral image of a unicursal hexagram with a double circle followed by the image of the spirit himself. He appeared as a large block-like creature long legs that seemed to be composed entirely of bubbles me- Can you give me any advice on the task I have before me? T.- You are concerned with your survival. That will not be a problem I think- it is unlikely that you will not survive. However it is also very unlikely that you will remain able to complete your work. Kind of makes you feel like someone is out to get you, huh? Meantime- mark this wellHere appears an astral image of not one, but two empty eyes T.- Empty eyeS (plural his emphasis) See them both and they will reflect each other and become eternity. Make your mind a mirror reflecting a mirror. it is the only way- you do not have time to learn to destroy your ego. It is too risky to try. The two mirrors beholding each other creates the equivalent of an echo in lineal space- you will pass safely. Me- What did you mean about someone out to get me? Here I saw an astral image of a crouching figure. I could only see a silhouette although there was no visible light- but I thought I saw horns on its head and T. confirmed this with the astrological sign of Capricorn. The figure had two huge, slanted, empty eyes springing from its shoulders- with jagged teeth-like edges. Below the eyes hung ragged wings, curved inward toward the body. The shadow of the wings almost seemed to hold the form of a face itself but I could not be sure. The figure stood on two circles (which I later suspected to have a testicular look about them) from which descended a long rushing column that intermittently appeared as a pillar or a tornado (no gentleman or lady of any kind of good taste will be able to make heads or

tails of this image Im sure) descending into infinite blackness. This is an image of the entity that would later become my liaison to the abyss, at the climax of the Three Rings of Istar working. Me- Thats interesting. What does that mean, precisely? T.- *gave me its name* me- I have started making the talismans as instructed. Are they acceptable? T.- lookin good. Dont forget to charge them into the circle though. You seem to enjoy making knots. You can use this method to charge the sigils by investing the lineal shapes in the rope via the invoking pentagram of the earth. Youll want to have the rope on your person too, not on the floor. Use the call and command angels to raise them and the God and King names to compel and bind them to the rope. This procedure needn't be greatly formal, but it is best done in a cleansed and open temple. Also- do not bathe for at least two days before you would open the door to the underworld.. Wash well in holy water immediately afterward though. As for your physical condition- it will continue to deteriorate as it has the last few months until the operation is complete. When you revitalized your practice of magick you reawakened to your angel. The magical link between you two was re-forged. Because your angel is now a prisoner, HE can hurt you through HIM. There is nothing for it: the stronger you get the more powerful the link grows- thus does HIS power of you grow until the angel is free. me- Are there any other precautions I should take before I make my descent? T- Work within the triangle so that you do not contaminate this world with energies from that place. me- Im not sure that I can master the remaining seven spirits in the prescribed time. If I meet the deadlines given to me by AOCN will I be able to act later? T.- ABSOLUTELY NOT! This operation MUST be performed by March tenth. You absolutely must bind Hagiel tonight or all will be lost. This will buy you some time in terms of freeing your energies by completing that operation, but you must work very hard in the next few days. Obtain every sigil and every oath within the prescribed time. And dont even think about opening that door unless you aim for the eye. The rites you have been given are not to be toyed with- nor are they experimental. But this is not as hard as it sounds. You have the four kings of the elements at your command now. I will make this easier for you. You will see. You must be weak when it is the time to be weak and strong when it is the time to be strong- there is nothing else but to be brave. me- Will you swear to that by *the great name*?

T- yes I will swear! Immediately after he said this, an astral image of a circle that contained a diamond (square) shape appeared. I soon saw that this shape was actually caused by two triangles whose points rested on each others bases. The circle enclosed the square and the silhouettes of crosses appeared at the four corners. me- What is this sign? T.- This is the gate of death! When the triangle of soul and the triangle of body break their link and begin to drift apart- soul ascends, body descends. Before they part, though, they form a square. That is the gate into Gods law through which you may escape death. Mark it well- for we all passed through it. me- Anything else to add before you depart? T.- Do not attempt to enter the pyramids on the astral unless you fully comprehend the mystery of Deaths Gate. me- Agreed. depart The first thing I checked was the name of the figure. This was, along with the gate of death, an image that would reoccur over and over in my magical work. It was actually half the figure of a hawks head, as I would see when I got the rest of the image later on. It was revealed to me in two separate visions, and only by laying them on top of one another was the hawk apparent. Basically, as I have come to understand it, the image was of a personification of my own fear of my True Will. It is the particular manifestation of the Tyrant. I dove into the Gate of Death. The hexagram is a composite picture of the interlocked triangles of soul and body. It is a six-pointed star. When the two triangles separate at death, the upward pointing one rises, the downward pointing one descends. The soul returns from a six-pointed shape that exists on Ruach, forming a microcosmic extension of the holy trinity, to a three-pointed shape. It ascends above the abyss, back to the body of Nuit, and thus all self-consciousness, any of the things that are of Ruach, dissipates in the crossing. However, as the triangles drift apart there is a moment before they separate (when the points touch the bases of the opposite triangle) where the interlocking shape forms a square. The square is a four-sided shape representative of Chesed or mercy. Four is the number of Gods law- and thus the number of the angels that carry out Gods law. It seemed to me, and Mr. Church has since agreed, that what the angel was trying to tell me was that there was a chance to preserve my own microcosmic consciousness after death by escaping into the Law of God, becoming a microcosm in the system of creation itself. How this is done, in as much as it can be expressed in lineal shapes, is totally clear to me. How it is done in practice, after death, is not. Mr. Church did not confirm exactly that. I was definitely getting ahead of myself here. As I understand it now, this formation of the four-sided figure as

one six-sided figure becomes two three-sided figures indicates the point of impression that a microcosm has on causality. Our lives dont really have meaning until we die, because thats the only point at which someone could reasonably say, this is what this persons life meant. Before that, its always a work in progress. Mr. Church had always maintained he wasnt himself, but the universes memory of him. I think this geometrical image is an attempt to articulate in some abstract form how that happens. The third thing was that, upon further consideration, I was unsatisfied by the angels description of what would happen if I reflected the empty eye back at it. He seemed to indicate that this state of affairs was preferable to what would happen if the eye beheld me, but I couldnt get much out of it beyond that. For the record, Hagiel referred to the Book of the Law as the book 31 and the book of Aiwass. The Bible he called the Holy of Birth, adding the small litany Jesus Christ our savior of peace in the earth as he once had in heaven which should be sufficient to arouse the ire of the Christians, for its indication is that Jesus remains on earth. I daresay it will rouse the ire of a few Thelemites too, for whom angels that talk about Jesus have become somewhat of an anachronism. February 29 2004 7:00 am Invocation of ZIZA fire of fire The astral image of a ragged three-headed vulture descended upon me. I repeated the name as this was not entirely what I was expecting from the fire of fire spirit. As the bird wheeled higher I lost track of its shape a few times. Finally when it did descend I asked it for its allegiance. Two heads answered yes and one answered no. I took this as a bad sign, and banished the spirit of cluttered energies with the earth pentagram. Slowly, the vulture was pulled into the form of a luminous orb. me- can I can see you? Z.- I am Z.! I am the onrushing concourse of force! Woe to he who seeks to jail me into an image. An astral image then formed of a tall pale man with a shock of spiked red hair which stood at a ludicrous height above his head (what is known as anime hair) wearing a shimmering cloak held tightly about his body, keeping his form in shadow. me- I thought you said that you had no images? Z.- *grins and laughs* I will serve you well! I will burn burn burn from within until the fire pours forth from your lips, yea, from your mouth, yea, like unto a mighty volcano! Yes! Thou shalt roar the roaring body belching fire in delicious form of wondrous caverdash ofme- If I might interrupt, (he seemed to be going on a bit- editorial note) what can you do for me exactly?

An astral image here appeared as a pyramid with a halo floating above it. Z.- I can take you to the top and make you the sun. Thats my power. me- How does this work? Z.- Mark this well: the signs that you have been given are aright but they are different versions of the same thing. The easiest way to make yourself the sun is to make yourself the perfect reflection of the sun and thus absorb it as you know. It is the Sphinx. When you are fully conscious of this delicate alchemy it will all be totally clear me- In the meantime, how do I proceed? Z.- Do not fear the empty eye. Visualize it. Seek it. Know it in your mind and destroy whatever fascination it holds for you by bringing it totally into focus me- so do you have any gifts or signs for me or what? Z.- That is not my nature. Your force is bound to your will now. Do you understand that? Didnt think so. There is no cure for your lamentable condition but time. Time and the daughters. I cant wait until you meet them. Mmm. The daughters. Fine, fine, fine women. Smooth as silk yet rough- for silk is the puke of the spirit. But oh! The lovely daughters ofme- *ahem* Z.- Oh yes, you. Anything else? me- What about the Goetic spirits? Should I still try to obtain their allegiance for this project? Z.- If it will make you feel better, go for it. If it will make your mind clear then it shall be your duty. Here I saw Z. as an eagle-head, leaning inquisitively toward me. me- What can you tell me about my holy guardian angel? Anything? Z.- To free him youll have to learn his name. Theres no way around that, I suppose. You will not learn his sign by circumstance, and for Gods sake do not seek it yet. Its really for the best if you manage to free him without meeting him. Keep your ears open though. If he wants to give you the chance to know him he will, but it is so soon. Were all afraid for you here. Do not take any more such risks until you can replenish your power. Do not chase after your holy guardian angel, whatever you do. Z. seemed to be perpetually overflowing with adjectives. Sometimes I wondered if he was talking to me, or just gushing words like a fountain. It was not, however, distracting, like when demons tell stories to make a magician comfortable and lazy. The spirit was invigorating and demanded ones focus. I think this is an indication of my particular relationship with it. If the empty eye truly had my Holy Guardian Angel captive, how else to draw him out but to create the perfect vacuity for him to fill? There is some of this in the method of invocation described in Liber VII cap. III, among numerous other places. Z.s advice on the eye, that is, to meditate upon it and destroy its fascination, was easy to follow. This quickly lead me to the discovery of the

God-form of the empty eye. If I could construct it visually in my mind, knew its characteristics and was intimately familiar with its place in the Qabalah, had a developed sense of its order and manifest nature of being then surely I could assume the empty eye like any other God-form. This solved the problem of what to do practically speaking, to reflect the empty eye back at itself, which was the main issue to me at the time. Meanwhile, I had begun to experience the shifting of Kundalini. In addition to a persistent cough I had been having sudden, violent, attacks of nausea and vertigo. I yo-yoed between overflowing bliss and crippling despair, and my appetite almost disappeared. Although I had read extensively about the Kundalini phenomenon, made careful notes about what to expect, and tried to prepare myself in every way that I could, I still exhausted every possible hypochondriac explanation, from brain tumors to acid flashbacks, before I clued into what was happening. During this time there were a few exercises that I had begun to practice regularly throughout the last week of February and continued for the next several months. These helped me enormously in the project of actually putting the information that I was getting into practice. Up until that point, I saw ritual as a tool for working myself into a psychological state in which I was capable of talking to specific elements of consciousness as though they had personalities of their own. Whatever brought me into this state of consciousness was suitable for my purposes. I saw the rituals and ceremonies as means to an end, having no inkling that they might, in themselves, contain a particular power and confer a kind of authority, which went beyond any human psychological state. The psychological state is important and some results can certainly be obtained on the strength of that alone but what I was discovering was that enthusiasm could be concentrated and directed. And just like the light of which it is a biological manifestation, when it is focused into a single point, the light does not just illuminate the target; it IGNITES it. The first of the two exercises that I did in earnest at this time was a rope-knotting practice accompanied by meditations on the Thoth tarot. It was inspired by a passage in the Tao Te Ching, in which Lao-Tzu states that writing is a practice inferior to memory. He explains that the same significance and meaning that can be packed into a symbol, word, or hieroglyph can also be packed into a knot on a rope. The trick is to seat ones consciousness in the act itself, while focusing the data that one wishes to transmit, by virtue of ones actions, into a physical representative (in this case, the knot). I took a long rope made from cotton, and drew all 72 cards from my tarot deck. For each knot that I made, I recited as much as I could from memory about the significance of each individual card. Rather than focusing on divinatory meanings, I mostly described the cards station on the tree of life and relevant attributes from Liber 777. When untying the knots, I tried to recall the order in which the cards appeared. In retrospect, this

probably did more for my knowledge of the tables in Liber 777 (and thus, the capacity of the spirits to communicate with me in that language of symbols) than any other practice. There is a significant difference between the esoteric symbols that can be found in later Cherubic communications from the first few conversations I had. I think that the information was there in those early communications, it simply never made its way into words because I lacked the apparatus to perceive it. The other major practice that I engaged in at that time involved the visualization of my feminine form during masturbation. I was unable to do this regularly without turning the scene into somewhat of an orgy (I have incredible difficulty fantasizing about just one person at a time... it seems pointless to employ the imagination without using it to its full capacity). I was, however, able to gain considerable muscular control of the orgasm as a sidebenefit. It also seems appropriate to note that I began to do Resh regularly around February fourteenth (a practice that I have continued up until the present). I address this because there seems to be a notion among some of the Thelemites I talk to online that Resh is only meant for magical retirements, HGA operations, or other such lofty and austere occasions. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise but late to watch and early to pray brings him across the Abyss, they say March 1 6:00am 2004 The angel ASMT, fire of earth This angel emphasized that his power was to bring objects into manifestation. Both he and the air of earth Cherub used the phrase think not that the Cherubim are of equal value to you! The implication was that for those of us who were interested in getting things done in our work among the living the earth aspect would be crucial. This angel, however, seemed to be holding out on me. me- Do you swear to teach me all of your secrets? A.- In time, yes. me- Do you swear to serve me faithfully? A.- I do and I have. me- Then reveal all. A.- I would make a poor servant if I delivered into my masters hands the tools that would surely lead to his destruction. me- Swear your service by the names. A.- I swear by *the great names* to ever serve you faithfully, so if you will still have these pearls you so demand, take them, take them- but know youll be damned. An astral image here appeared of an eye with many concentric circles

about the pupil and huge, almost square, wings protruding from either side. I cant say exactly what it meant, but I can say that it was pretty scary. me- Apologies. I will be patient. The spirit gave me a sign that he assured me could be used in the material world. It strikes with the force of an earthquake he explained, calling the imagery of the keys themselves to mind. Im still in the process of learning to use this device, which the angel assured me could Will Being. It does not play a large role in the Talisman of the Sphinx, but in the confrontation with Samael that took place directly after the fire, in the winter of 2005. A.- Bring to it my number and sign. Through time I will teach you the trick of making it a hollow tube through which to rain down fire. First come to know it on the astral. me- Show me an image of it so I can hold it in my mind. A.- Its a stick! It looks like a stick! Do you really need a diagram? me- What about Samael? A.- You know what to do at this point. You cant empty him, so empty yourself and draw him out. You have so little time though- not for the eye, that is just the beginning. There is much to be done. me- Such as? A.- To vanquish the old law forever, set aright the true law finally, those kinds of things. Maybe you could do it. I doubt it, but if you can do this youll at least have some kind of chance. Add to your servants. Not just the Cherubim who are subject to Gods law. You know of whom I speak. Act swift and damn to hell that would council you to slow. I can appreciate that there are certain basic principles of the virtues of the cherubs that must be integrated into my being before I have access to specific knowledge of those virtues, nevertheless, I wanted a little more assurance that this was all going somewhere. A. had told me to build my strength with the rituals I was doing, and not to worry about what I was building it towards. This goes against my nature. Empty eyes and glowing pyramids are all well and good, but they have little practical application on their own. The implication seemed to be that realizing this power would take years. I wanted more immediate, tangible results, so I was frustrated with this particular communication. It didnt seem to bring anything that I could use. I was convinced that anyone who suggests that great deeds are somewhere in the distance was trying to sell me something. At the time, my experience was with profoundly shallow systems that never delivered what they promised. I was convinced that this will take you years to accomplish was, as in the case with Chaos magick, Tim Learys psychedelic babble, Carlos Castenadas faux-native spirituality, Anton LeVays paper mache Satanism, and arbitrary paganism, just a way of saying we have no secrets to reveal, there is nothing deeper than what you can see, and we have no answers to your questions. My bad experiences had prejudiced me.

So why did I continue? At this point in the work, I must admit, my major motive was fear. I didnt know what would happen if I failed to accomplish the task I had been charged with, but I didnt want to find out. I was experiencing increasingly intense manifestations of the Kundalini effect. I suddenly launched into violent fits of shaking, nausea, and severe muscular pain resulting from the sudden contractions. I found that I could control these effects by performing the middle pillar exercise, but this brought only temporary relief. SOMETHING was going on and it was turning up the volume. Water of Fire, ANAA. Mar 2 2004 A.- Your heart is in evil hands and so is your being gone astray. It shows in the life and shows on the body. Thou shalt yet bear more joy, fear not! But some things will also change. Let them change naturally. Do not make the mistake of forcing it. An astral image here appears of a pyramid, with its reflection hovering above it, inverted. The reflection itself is slightly distorted, reminiscent of heat distortion over pavement. You must master yourself and recover your strength. You have seen how to deal with the empty eye and you have the tools of the law to wield in the underworld. Learn to wear and wield them properly. It will come easy now. You are so close. Go to the daughters and bed them (sic) four with haste. You have the means. You can do them all at once if it turns you on, the important thing is to do it. me- Anything else? A.- You know my powers. Look. An astral image here formed of a giant eye hovering over the earth, with eight rays coming from it as if it were the sun itself. A- There is another eye to seek. Your angel will guide you to it. Mark this! When you gaze upon the empty eye your angel will ask for a secret word and sign. The first will be revealed by me, the last in letters four by the daughters four. Speak the word when it is demanded of you. Make the letters about Ajna, after rubbing it with cinnamon oil. Without the sacred oil it is the best for astral sight. The word thou shalt give is ------. If he still knows thee not, make the image of Hathor thus shown aright. Here I saw an unfamiliar image of Hathor. She was depicted wearing a red and black kimono, seated in the lotus position. Her horns were joined at the top to form a triangle and between them she had a huge solar disk. me- Anything else? A.- Dont get distracted. And dont let your Goetia get dusty. As below so above! So master the below. They fall faster. This was the first time that I saw the double pyramid that would become an important image in the astral formulation of the temple in which I work.

The archangel Michael explained it during the Assiah operation, and it was realized during the Istar work when I was shown the temple to create. The same principle applies here as to the gate of death. Two pyramids, joined at the apex, represent the aspiration of the summit of one to the depth of the other. Psalm LXIX of Liber CCCXXXIII has a great deal to say about this, but the point was this: I was to call down the fire of heaven from the summit of my astral pyramid to merge the two. In the center, this creates an octahedron, which is where I usually work. It has been my custom since then to, after erecting the pyramid with the LVX signs and consecrating it with N.I.H.I.L. (see psalm LXXXVI), take my place on the floor of the uppermost pyramid, visualizing my anima-figure with her feet touching mine upside down below me. The image of the winged-goat that I was shown to represent the fear of my Will takes his place at the summit of the downward-pointing pyramid. Above me, I usually place the image of the archangel Raphael that I obtained during my thirty-six day ceremony to unite myself with him in preparation to the above mentioned confrontation with Samael (this took place during the summer of 2005). There have been a number of variations of this practice, but what I have just described is the standard. Since the pyramid usually follows some kind of pentagram ritual, I usually envision the angel rising from the eastern quarter to the summit of the pyramid in accord with his role as the Assiatic guardian of Tipareth. It also seems relevant to note that the password A. gave me to give to my angel was gematrically equivalent to three hundred and eleven. That word was the key discussed in the mystery of the key and the lock revealed by the Assiah operation. To repeat myself in its description, if you want to see the key and the lock, draw a cube and turn it so that one corner points up, and one corner points down. The circumference is the lock, and the intersecting lines in the middle are the key. This communication marked the first revelation of the lock, although I did not understand it as such at the time. The image of Hathor did not seem to be a god form for me to assume. A. told me to show this image if the keyword didnt work. This particular image of Hathor, I later discovered, was not the significant point: it was the shape of her horns that had the important information. Above the solar disc, they pointed upward in straight line before coming together at an angle. It wasnt until I drew the figure in points on graph paper, almost a full year later, that I recognized the image of the lock (i.e. the outline of a cube) in her horns. Basically what I was being told was that if the key alone wasnt enough, the key and lock should do the trick. It wasnt until the Assiah operation, when Gabriel showed me the hilt of his sword and I saw that it was exactly the same as Hathors horns in the A. communication that I began to suspect that something was up. In the meantime there were still the princesses to contend with. I was worried about my ability to physically handle such a protracted working. I

could sleep no more than three hours a night, and I was not eating properly. I had added the Bornless ritual to my daily practice, and tried to build up my strength with an increase in diet and rest. These efforts were in vain. Food made me sick and sleep was impossible. March 7, 2004 I created a rather large circle to fit all of my equipment. I had made the sigils out of paper, as directed, and drawn a star of Babalon on the back of each. I still have those sigils, although they have long lost their potency. They didnt really last more than a week. It was enough time for what I needed to do, but I was told later that I would have been better served by platinum or electrum. I wanted these in the circle with me while I invoked the daughters. I also wanted space. I only had knowledge of the most brutal onanistic means of sex magick at the time, and so the four successive sacrifices would, (i.e. four magically charged orgasms in a row) I suspected, require periods of reverie and restoration of the vital tissues. I was proven wrong in this regard. The presence of each successive spirit was, in my elated state of mind, more than sufficient to arouse the coiled splendor. I began, as one naturally does, with the fiery daughter. I see P., she is dancing and twirling, her long hair streaming down to her waist. It looks almost as if her hair is a living entity with which she dances. I hear laughter and feel joy in her presence. P.- Hurry! I do have some to speak to you, gnarled one, but most of your questions go to my sister. For now though, I do have some things for you. My sigil... the sigil appears, followed by a Greek letter and the letter you need. [I should note that it was in retrospect that I realized this was a Greek letter. My mother once wore a t-shirt bearing the inscription its all Greek to me with the Greek alphabet when I was about ten years old. This was my only previous experience with these letters. At the time I thought that I was just scribbling.] P- Now let me say unto you, the column begins with me. I am the craftswoman of will and teacher of the passionate arts. I will make a force in form you can manipulate. Keep our sigils on you if you can. Make them in the correct substance or upon your flesh itself. By way of these objects can we manifest by their natures. We can materialize, but only as much as you can conceive of. But when you learn to leave your body the same trick can manifest us. Now go! Spread your love, a cross! I do, and absorb P. M. appears as a long gown with rippling blue light pouring from the neck, armholes and bottom. There is some personal dialogue of a scandalous nature. M- through me your influence can be felt. You dont have time to chat.

me- Letter? Pyramid? M. provides both M.- Learn to be me like the way I can be through you. Thus can you learn to activate mine and all our powers. me- Thank you, M.! M. is absorbed. C. appears. M.- Eye and sword are one, gnarled one, I will swear. me- Can you help me? M.- For the ceremony you must be within the triangle. Make the triangle that you will sit in with the names I give here: to the right- ONANOUS, to the left- TEKAHAME at bottom- RAGAHLO- and about the middle ALONAGV. Here is my letter and sign she gives these I can be a messenger from the mind. I can translate imagination into reality. All these are my domain: the rushing winds, the whirling thought, the digital map- so well will we know each other, I am sure. me- Have you any advice for me? C.- listen closely. Heed nothing but the Eye when you go, and mark me well now! There is nothing that you can do about any of it. All obey the master though, so wear his form when you go there. That will bring him to you quickly enough! Come back later to see my library, but now hurry and go! C. is absorbed and A. appears me- Advice? here the astral vision of a glowing pyramid once more appeared A.- Samael and you are linked right now. Take advantage of that. He can guide you to the enemy that started this mess. You have seen it! And now I will confirm it! To seek to free your angel call upon the tenth aethyr and seek none but him. It will be open for you so long as this deacon rules, so act quickly or miss your chance. me- Thanks! Anything else? A.- Yes. Eat as much salt as you can after you close the temple. It will help to cleanse you of the forces of dispersion. A. is absorbed. The four letters that I am supposed to write about Ajna added to four hundred and ninety three. Sephir Sephirot indicates that this number is connected to Deuteronomy 28:58. The verse falls at the end of a long speech by Moses about the horrors that will befall people who do not obey the Ten Commandments. It culminates in the following from the King James): If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name THE LORD THY GOD The capitalized portion enumerates to four hundred and ninety three in Hebrew. I really didnt know Greek gematria well enough to check it out as much as I would have liked, but the idea of focusing my Ajna power through some configuration of divine retribution for injustice struck me as apt. If I

bought into the angels paradigm of my Holy Guardian Angel having been kidnapped or in some way distressed, then it was retribution for an essential violation that I was seeking, equivalent for the rebuke that Jehovah might visit upon his followers who contravened the Ten Commandments. As for C.s triangle, I checked that out as well. ONANOUS confused me. I knew, from my pre-Socratic philosophy studies, that Nous is the Greek word for mind. Onan is the sinful traitor in the Bible, who spills his seed on the ground rather than impregnate his brothers widow and threaten his own childs chance at succession. Perhaps some research on the subject would give me insight into the mind of Onan, but the relevance of the issue is undeniable, given my particular methods of invocation. In retrospect, this was a pretty shitty label to have, but at the time I simply didnt know how to properly prepare a body for manifestation or a suitable talisman for such a purpose, and I was in that sense failing in a very basic duty. The name adds to two hundred and thirty seven, which Sephir Sephirot attributes to the essence of glory. As I see it this complicates rather than clarifying the issue. The second name added to sixty-seven, which was both a title for Binah and Zain spelled in full. Because it was C. who first presented me with the Aain and Zain riddle, I took that as a good sign. I am still unsure about the spelling of the word itself, because it seems to resemble phonetic Enochian, but nevertheless, I made it on the triangle as it appeared in my notes. The name in the middle added to three hundred and ten. Very close to three hundred and eleven- but I figure that me sitting in the middle counts as one- and then we have the divine Tipereth (man) in the middle. This paradigm, I should mention, is consistent in my workings. When did the Istar working, 157, the number of Our Lady plus one, significantly appeared. This was a work of elevation of the self. When I work with Lilith or Samael, I see 155, 55, 310, and 92 pretty constantly. One below, because they lead to the infernal place. The work that I was about to do was profoundly infernal. So I made my preparations as I had been instructed to, by writing the names on my arms and legs and chest and back, anointing Ajna with cinnamon oil and inscribing the Greek letters around it. I formed a circle using Talismans I had made with the seals of the Cherubs on them. The four princesses were at the appropriate four quarters and the other twelve were in their relative native positions. That is, the positions their portions of the zodiac were in at the time of the ritual. March 9 2004, 3:33 am. That wasIn the south, ANAA, AOCN, in the east, XGZD, TDIM, DOPA, ASMT in the north, UTPA, TAAD in the west, ZIZA, PHRA, RZLA, NLRX. I must confess to no small amount of concern on my part going into this. It was not the first time I had attempted to open the tenth aethyr (which should provide some clues as to how I got into my beset by cacodemons condition in the first place). The first attempt was not precisely successful, although

there were some dramatic and terrifying physical phenomena that manifested after the failure. It was an educational experience that taught me the importance of self-control in a highly convincing manner. I didnt see the aethyr that time, but I did become profoundly impressed with it. Rather than spend the evening in anxious meditation, I went out to the Capital (my local at the time) to drink beer and play pool. It seemed the most effective method of banishing my concerns. My friend and I had the bar more or less to ourselves. There was a raging blizzard and it was Monday night, so we had the place to ourselves. I laid the facts of the case before him. It was the first time I had discussed what I was doing with anyone, and his perspective was most useful to me. Although he didnt really have much knowledge of Enochian or ceremonial magick, he presented the same conclusion that I had come to, which was that the only way to know for certain what would happen if I failed was to fail, which I had no intention of doing. Ever since this event, I have always prefaced the final working of long-term magical experiments by bringing one of the profane in some way into my circle, so that I might have an unbiased witness. Also, if Ive completely gone insane, someone can point it out to me. Returning home, I lit my bed with four candles in colors associated with the four elements according to the G:.D:. attributions. I carefully banished and cleansed the area before even starting my regular routine. I was pretty terrified. It seems a bit silly now, but I had never done anything like this before. I didnt know what was going to happen. Looking back, I realize that this was all necessary to the process. If I was not convinced of the life or death significance of what I was doing, there was no way that my consciousness could be elevated to the point at which it could access such a preposterous magical place. The best way to convince me of the significance, because I lacked the self-control to be consciously cognizant of my existential limitations, was to threaten my life. Call of the Aethyr: At the first reading I envisioned myself climbing the pyramid and being pulled into the sky. Immediately I fell into a sea of shadows. I couldnt clearly distinguish or focus on anything, but the highly charged atmosphere was undeniable. I was soon lost altogether in the shadows. I spent a long time, I dont know how long, fighting for control and to maintain the God form of the empty eye. I could do it, but little else. When I came to and realized that I had all but forgotten why Id come, I snapped out of my reverie and read the call again, carefully vibrating the names of the governors to try to keep myself coherent. By that time I had comfortably assumed the eye-form. I fell into a deep trance for a long time that passed without my awareness. Suddenly, I found myself shooting up to my knees, as it I had been grabbed by the throat and pulled up. Immediately I hissed the password I had been

given, A-----, and heard a whisper?- Out of here! Now! Hurry! banish and get out of here. Eat some salt and take a shower. I will find you- take pen to paper: I incorporated these words into my subsequent work with the Goddess Hathor, which was to lead me directly into the serious engagement of Liber LVI and Liber XI. The incantation would become essential to my understanding of the phases of the Goddess that are most perfectly expressed by Psalm XC of Liber CCCXXXIII. This was the final move of the Cherub operation. My incredible energy surge quickly faded in its intensity, but not in its effect. After this incredibly draining experience, I tried to concentrate on collecting myself and figuring out exactly what the fuck happened. My abilities to manipulate energy through the pentagrams have increased dramatically, allowing me to use the basic invocations for various purposes (air for study, water for music, fire for sex, etc) in a way that I had never before been able to. I also got what I wanted most: a sense of recognition of types of energy on the astral plane. Further results would emerge several days/ weeks later. The complicated geometry started after this. What follows is probably not very coherent. For the time being though, in a futile attempt at, Im going to try to explain what I saw after that. [This emphasizes, by the way, the importance of Ghana yoga. You can spiritually elevate yourself to states where you can perceive things that you cant intellectually comprehend, but without comprehension what purpose does your experience serve? Its like taking someone whos lived in the desert their whole life and introducing them to water by dropping them in the middle of the ocean. Fortunately I took notes.] June 17 2004 I was enjoying an evening of decidedly unmagical activities. I had gone through a long Apophis period during which the simplest task seemed out of reach. I read a great deal, and made a lot of notes on the works of Basil Valentine and some math puzzles, but when it came to magick or yoga, all I wanted to do was drink rum and watch cartoons. I worked from four pm until three am, at which time this whole city is pretty much dead, so I was turning into a zombie. This event marked one of the only two times that I have been visited by spirits. I was watching a movie at home when my silver ring began to throb painfully. I closed my eyes and saw a tornado of light coming down upon me, and recognized C. in its midst. I made the appropriate pentagrams, and she held up the hilt of the sword, which I would later see in Gabriels hands, upon which the lock was shown, and gazed into the pommel. I looked as well, and saw a grid, not deep, but wide. She indicated to me that these were the stacked Tablets, and that reading vertically instead of horizontally

could draw further names from them. They appeared to follow the E H N B order. Im still a bit lost on how to use this one. I know that my ability to perceive it had something to do with my study of the Yi-King. I was literally dreaming in shifting hexagrams at that point, and I had the same sense from this vision that I got from those dreams. Simply put, at this point, we start with a Hexagram, two interlocking triangles (Sh-L-M). When those triangles expand into three-dimensional space they are solidified by passing through the six-pointed figure into the four-pointed figure after realizing themselves as agents of existence. They become three-sided pyramids, (a solid, four pointed figure- six-pointed, to reach the ten that holds manifestation, needs four to complete the equation) or triangles drawn toward an outer point. When these shapes interlock, the result is not a square, but a cube. This cube is the basis for my dark and light pyramids (note, each is half light, half dark, not one light, one dark) that were previously discussed. These pyramids are four-sided. Their interlocking creates an octahedron, which is the temple of working, with one window to the heavens and one tunnel to the hells. It is my belief that the transition to Libras balance is affected from Taurus through Libra to Gemini, at which they are back to back. This was an attempt to solve the riddle of Assiah using old information. I dont think its complete nonsense, its a reasonable interpretation of what I was seeing, but it is hardly a complete description and barely an intelligible one. What is all this really about? It is about the realization of an idea. The process of manifestation. This is a notion that was explored in a very different sense (more of the rapture of Liber Asarte) in the Seven Gates of Istar working. The process is explained (I discover only now) in Crowleys commentary upon cap II verses 7-16. In one case, the harsh angles of the Enochian angels showed it to me in terms of hard math. In the other, the Goddess of War and Love revealed it to me through a series of adorations of the eternal feminine under various forms as well as its universal sense. Both of these, it must be clear, amount to the same thing. This is the essence of the key and the lock. It is about expanding something into solid space. The holiest acts of creation require divine perfection, which is why the cube is the ultimate symbol of this process. Every cube MUST, by definition, be a perfect cube. To realize the idea, we must adore it perfectly, without distraction, and without despair when we start to see the limits of the ideal, and the second chapter of Liber Ararita opens up a can of filth on our ass. Was this captive angel a metaphor for something that I had to change in myself? Was it genuinely a consequence of my precocious early experiments with magick? Or was it simply a way of testing my resolve, and my ability to perform the tasks that I was given under pressure? Ive never really come to a conclusion about this. The principle results of the working

were to establish relationships with the Cherubs that would make contacting them later an easier task, and to identify areas that I needed to study more, and work on magically. As an initial magical project it was invaluable. Performing this working forced me to practically apply several different techniques, and gave me a context in which analysis by gematria and geometry had a definite meaning and purpose. I had performed evocations and so forth before, but mostly just when I wanted something that seemed inaccessible at the time. There was little need to test spirits under those conditions, because the test was pretty clearly, "did I get what I wanted or not?" This operation was really the first time that I moved from reading books about sophisticated workings to actually performing one. Most importantly, what the Cherubic operation did was establish a paradigm of symbolism in my own perception, which became accessible to other angels that I spoke to later. Entities presenting subtle variations on the pyramid/ hexagram/ octahedron images, which I had studied deeply during this time and afterward could, with a quick sketch, communicate volumes to me about their order of Being, and the particular wisdom that their perspective had to offer. I cannot emphasize this point enough as it has proved an invaluable tool for comprehending angelic intelligences whose natural inclinations place them somewhere beyond coherent speech or dialogue.

The Assiah Operation

This working was performed between Aug. 25 and Oct. 11 2004. I had come to realize: A. That I could accomplish great things using this stuff if I really knew what I was doing. And I didn't really know what I was doing. B. That, whatever I happened to think of Thelema, Enochian and Goetic entities obeyed its authority. The point of Thelema, as I understood it, was to balance yourself out. Having worked exclusively with various diabolic grimores and orders of demonic entities as a Satanist, there was nothing more alien and distasteful to me than the idea of seriously invoking Hebrew Archangels whose names appeared on Christmas tree ornaments and greeting cards. C. The plane of Assiah is, of course, as close as you can get to the physical world and still have Archangels. In the interests of learning how to directly manifest magical power, it seemed reasonable to talk to these guys. Over the course of this operation, I received six points of a riddle, each point being divided into three stages that would have to be fulfilled to properly establish it. The object, from the beginning, was to learn how to magically translate ideas into reality. I was told that by fulfilling the six points of this riddle I could create a permanent, reusable, magical link between the world of ideas and the plane of existence. As of this date, I have fulfilled four of these six points. Each has taken anywhere between two months and a year to fulfill. These six points would develop into the six wings of the Project after my HGA working. The specifics of the riddle itself were intended for me personally. Explaining what they were and what they meant to me would require a book in itself, and be relatively useless to anyone else as anything but a voyeuristic peek into the world of Ryan Adam Murray. Weve got to do more than enough of that to make this a complete record already. Theres no need to unnecessarily exasturbate the situation. I have come to believe, because of the fact that the work these points have demanded of me has thus far more or less correspond to the A:.A:. curriculum, that the culmination of this riddle will be the vehicle for the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. I dont mean to say that these are PRECISELY the same thing, because the six points of the

Assiah Operation are about guiding energy into manifestation, and the K&C of the HGA are about finding an objective entity that can inform one of ones True Will, but there is a connection. The former is a necessary part of the latter. Will is, by necessity, willing SOMETHING, and so the motion from idea to existence is an intrinsic part of everyones True Will. By securing the astral epistemology of such an action, I will be able to understand more completely how to manifest my True Will, once my HGA nails it down for me. I was a little bit premature in this. The riddle is a continuous process. My understanding of the questions began to evolve as I came close and closer to the HGA working. At the time I wrote this I was still expecting the riddle to have a definite answer. It is important to establish that I had taken to reciting the John Dees Oration for Wisdom (in Latin) before sleep and upon awakening on a daily basis while this operation was taking place. The suggestion for this technique came from spirits from the air tablet, when I approached them about helping me to find a teacher. The Assiah Operation was performed over sixty-five days. The first archangel, Sandalphon, on Malkuth, was invoked over ten days, Gabriel over nine, etc. Obviously, by the time that I found myself above the abyss, my brain was blasted beyond all reason. I am still trying to understand and articulate the things that I saw during the last week of this work. The answer to the riddle, I am told, breaks down the barrier between idea and existence, which is essentially the same barrier to change in conformity with Will. It was shown to me in signs and visions, and its objective status is purely geometric. Im not done with it yet, but Im actually getting pretty close, (actually I hadnt even begun to tap the potential of the riddle, nor did I make the connection to Liber CCCLXX until much, much later) so I feel okay talking about how I got to where I am today. Each invocation of the archangel was based on the gematric and kabalistic significance of that angels name, repeated with the appropriate invoking pentagrams, Liber Reguli, and the invocation of the Bornless One. On the conjuration day (i.e. the last day of their sephirot-attribution) of each angel, I constructed a circle with candles and incense and wrote a song appropriate to the angel and its gematric attributions. I had some small ability with bass, guitar and certain percussion instruments, so I would always invoke the angel, write, sing, and play the song, and, after anointing the paper with lifeblood, burn the words and music immediately afterward, so I could be certain that the song would be erased from my memory. This turned out to be incredibly effective. The rest of the rituals were pretty straightforward. I used the pentagram and hexagram rituals along with the invocation of the Bornless one, and built up my vision of each angel using the G:.D:. Z2 method.

I received two important ideas from this operation, the full significance of which I did not understand until almost a year after it was complete. I had many visions during this time, and each of them was either categorized as the key or the lock. It wasnt until I had taken the time to draw all of the images shown to me side by side on graph paper that I realized that the key and the lock could each be reduced to a very simple lineal figure. I have the key, with the glyph of Mr. Church in the center, tattooed over my left breast. I do not mean to get into ALL of the ideas presented to me during this operation, I am only really describing it now to give context to the later magical work. The six points, I was told, when established, form the lock. The key was something that I would have to fit into the lock. The figure of the key appears in many Masonic glyphs and symbols. I know next to nothing about the Masonic system, but I recognized it when I saw it among their iconography. In its simplest form, it is two right angles, with lines extending from the vertices, and the arms of each angle bisecting one another. The figure is of a cube. The outline, the six lines that form the circumference of the cube, is the lock. The lines in the middle, which form a square with a sideways v on either side and lines extending up and down, is the key. I drew both of these figures, separately, for MONTHS, over and over, before I realized that, by putting the two two-dimensional figures together, I got the three dimensional figure of the cube. This was particularly inexcusable because I was studying the key and lock at the same time as I was spending ALL of my free time drawing cubes as part of an exercise that I was doing to improve my astral sight. Yes, I am a bit slow, but the extra time spent on this part of the riddle made it all the more profound. I was, after all, looking for the formula of manifestation. Two two-dimensional figures combining to form one threedimensional figure was a very promising sign that I was on the right track SANDALPHON How to use your key? Break it! Put it together! 4 x 6 x 5 and beyond! The vision shall come and right soon. Do NOT slow your ascent for anything but the red lines. You bring yourself into sympathies with your world and all the magics here, and there, and of the shells, shall swell in power. Look! Look! I find myself on an astral landscape of craggy red mountains and burning black deserts. I see the glow of the pyramid in the distance and start to walk toward it. Suddenly I find myself carried at an incredible speed toward it and into the air. At first I see that the top of the pyramid lifts up, and the point turns downward, slamming upon the figure beneath it forming a trapezoid. As I pass over the top of the pyramid, I look down and see that in the top center square there is an enormous pulsating eye gazing up at me and the vision disintegrates. THE ABYSS IS IN THE PYRAMID.

GABRIEL Hark! For my wisdom comes in time. The law must be known well in all its guises- thou knowest whereof I speak. Also the rites must be refined both in habit and in mind. This I will allay for thee, for thou dreamest draining dreams. Suck of them! Devour thine dreaming lest they devour you! Thou knowest NOT what thou seest- it is the eye invisible of the hidden phallus. Thou shalt know in time. In the meantime, of thy lust, keep a clear head- draw toward- do not push. Of the way thou knowest and when at last thou art love thou shalt stand aright alway. But now- thy body itself is upstart- be upstart in turn- and feel no shame. Be at peace. Amen MICHAEL I have come but it is not I that arrive. I am on the threshold of God. My word is fourfold and wreathed in flame. My sign is an apocalypse of the senses, all-becoming one and most great. My messengers are girt with copper swords and light the sky with The Word. My word in mans ears is a vision itself of uttermost splendor, yea, I am. AURIEL I will dwell within your heart afterlong and shalt thou know mine own heart. For now I say look to your God of Blasphemies and pray. He will stand you well, for he and I are one. I am sacred beyond the sacred, a gesture of Heaven. Canst thou make the same gesture? Hast thou seen the sign? Look! I see an image of a figure ascending a pyramid, half-light and half dark, assuming the attitude of Hathor and radiating light Light thine fire as thine art allows. [the symbol of Leo] Here you play my role and YOU KNOW IT. Stop pretending to be surprised for it behooves you not. Knowledge of the earth is yours, if you went to Our Lady tomorrow youd have your sign and your grade. But dont go yet! Stay out thy task as it stays, but hearken unto this- a song. Thou knowest it not, but soon thou shalt know. The impression has been left in your spirit. We will meet again on more splendorous terms when you manage the way, but none of us forget you. TAKE YOUR FILL OF LOVE. Soon, and right soon, you will be offered a choice. You can choose between dreams of lust and safe havens of romance and isolation in a world that will not allow you. RAPHAEL [my most personal communication, of which I will say very little here, save this] Woe to the taker! You must seek the serpent Samael to know the fate of that one. Take me with you, beneath your cloak Ill travel and when we meet him will I snatch it up! Then shalt he reveal all. But now, finish thy task. Go in ultimate peace. We are one.

KAMAEL MARK THIS: (as he said this there appeared a long path to a distant tower with columns lining either side, it was something that I had often seen when I was working with the Castaneda material while I was still in high school) for it is thy road- walk it! Seek it! It is thy gate to the astral plane, all doors are in your castle. Seek it well but look not now. Now I speak to thee at breadth, for force of Kamael is mighty to thine eyes! Ho! To the red lines and beyond! Thy power has grown but thou knowest it not. The WAY is clear but the EYE is blind. I ask if hes talking about Samael Of course! But puzzles are for later- crafty little bugger. Yes, tis he. Thou knowest the way. Talk not to me of this. Master him and master my realm. I can aid thee with my allegiance: he cannot strike thee aright. Fear still, tho, his ways to thy heart are diverse and subtle, there is not safety until he is thy slave. Mark the card (the Hermit- path of Yod) I ask about the taker which is discussed in the Book of Cherubs. That one is but thy reflection. Thine angel is his antidote. Thou must fight him- for years he will be yet thy woe, seek the teacher of the blade and slay the many-headed hydra! He is thine own FEAR OF THY WILL. [this road to the tower was a huge turnaround for me in magick. I had a great deal of trouble with astral travel before, and I had forgotten about my visions of the tower that always occurred in my early psychic experiments. Ever since this vision, when I wanted to visit some point on the astral plane, I went to the tower, climbed the stairs to the observatory (there are other things in the tower, some of which I have explored and some of which I have not). In that room there is a chair, a telescope, a book at a desk, and sometimes, a woman. When I want to visit part of the astral plane, I sit in the chair in front of the telescope, find the symbol that I want to explore, and simply open it as if it were a door. A lot happens in that tower, and it has been terribly important in my work since then.] TZADKIEL (as Tzadkiel arrives there is a rush of heat on the palms of my hands) I am your ally. I am your servant. I am you! Help me! Help me! There is disharmony on my plane owing to the Great Error of the past. Thou knowest whereof I speak. Thou hast but to write the space lines. I will shew thee. The girders of thy soul are unstrung in places. There are gaps. I am lord of the interlocking nature of three- the tongues meet in my realm. It causes you a lot of problems. Soon your metal will be tested, and perhaps well strike gold. (I ask how to set the unstrung aright- a vision of Mr. Church appears) This one! Hes here, he is part of my body by virtue of his wisdom. And angel of the Cashmalim as ever there was one. He can speak to you much

and much will you learn. He can shew what I cannot- how to defeat the snake.

TZAPHKIEL This operation is all but a show. A performance. Make the door (daleth- the gate of the abyss) as thou knowest to do. Enter the door. That is all. The rest is mechanics and drama. THIS and only THIS is the magick. The body of Hathor, her image aright, awaits thee there. Go to her and let her devour you. Be clean in her until you go to redeem the fallen by the trick she will teach you. Between her lips thou shalt become a hollow tube to bring down fire from heaven, amen! Is there more that you want or can I go now? I ask for the meaning of Tzaphkiels allegiance Not a damn thing. I am beyond your comprehension. What you see is but a grotesque parody of me- my truth does not exist below the abyss. You wish to know Tzaphkiel? So cross! Cross! I ask about Samael Rape him! Plunder his home and shed tears of love and joy upon the stinking ashes of his body. Shit shit shit with pride and dismiss what thou hast devoured into his arms where it belongs. Ah! Already thou hast caught the trick of it. You are what they say. What does that mean? I am only humoring your ego. RATZIEL The enemy you face is cunning. Be in turn cunning. The enemy that you face is lethal. Be in turn lethal. The enemy that you face is relentless. Be in turn relentless. Thus shall come your redemption and his. Seek the wisdom of ancient magics in the smiles of lovely ladies- I will shew thee to do this. Seek the venom of the serpent and cast it into thine own eyes. Shoot it forth and be redeemed. Yea! Be redeemed! Look! There appears the pyramid, half light and half dark, with portals in either side Two paths. A way of courage and a way of fear. Dost thou knowest which is which? Enter by the infernal passage and end thy days in heaven. Enter by the celestial road and thine redemption lies in hell. This is the final clue. Thy key is aright and now thou hast seen the doors. Know thou knowest the way. The attitude of Hathor is a gesture to bring the night of Pan. Reverse then the formula, as thou canst plain see. [when I first began my initiation, the trigger event was a conversation with the Enochian spirit NANTA, who told me It is your destiny to enter by the shadowed side. It is not your destiny to return. At the time, that seemed like a prophecy of doom. It was only after this communication that I started to

understand the full ramifications of that revelation. I think that it is important to note that I had not read Liber 418 at this point, and was not aware that the night of Pan was a significant Thelemic concept.] METATRON I muttered the name for a very long time with no result. After some time I become concerned that I had made some sort of mistake. It seemed impossible. I had been working for SO LONG. The last three angels had come in quick succession, and I was playing on eleven after so much powerful magick. I couldnt believe that, as I finally reached my destination, nothing was happening. Then, to my PHYSICAL ears, a voice came from on top of my head saying Hey! Up here! Incredulous, I glanced at one of the many mirrors on the wall, and saw a perfectly formed tiny figure perched atop my head, on the crown chakra. Behold! Look! NO- open your eyes and look! Look into the fire. (I saw in the fire of the single candle a clear image of a slender womans hand, followed by an image of the bark of Ra, followed by an image of a pyramid with a circular portal on the side that was facing me) Wonderful. You saw it. Oh, of course! Your key! I almost forgot. Ive been saving this for you. Look to the convergence in the law. Enter by the shadowed side. Your guide within awaits. DO THE MATH. I cannot stress this enough. The image of Hathor aright is in CNBAs library. You saw the door long ago but forgot to write it down.

The Kingdom and the Dragon

2008-01-03 17:53:00

It was the spring of 2005. I completed the Assiah Operation in October 2004, and my work since then had been a focused effort to reveal the meaning of the key and the lock. At the height of the ceremony, at the end of sixty-five days of continuous invocation, I had realized this perfectly. Shortly thereafter, however, mundane consciousness rushed up around me, and the notes and diagrams that had seemed so clear before became indecipherable. Mr. Church said that this did not indicate failure. My task, the Task of Assiah, was to gain understanding of the information I had gathered during that working, and use it to bring something into manifestation (the labor of Bezaleel). Over the winter I worked sporadically with the Enochian Watchtower angels creating and honing the tools that I would need to accomplish this task. Although I did not yet understand what I was to do, I had seen enough to trust the authority of the entities that were instructing me. In April, I began a series of workings with the archangel Tzadkiel. There were a number of immediate revelations concerning data that he had given me, and on the subject of the key and the lock in general. He also instructed me to take one of my tokens of the lock (an illustration) to the plane of Qesheth, and to seek a sign there. He wanted me to build an astral temple, and promised to help me accomplish this. I accepted the idea for a number of reasons. In my natal chart the moon is in Sagittarius, so that plane would be a logical place for a magical base. Also, the instructions I had received during the Assiah operation gave me six tasks to perform. These tasks were not explained, but indicated by three-card Tarot spreads. The second, Chesed in Assiah, Art, and Yesod in Briah, seemed to refer to the instruction that I had just received from Tzadkiel, himself Chesed in Assiah, and Yesod in Briah appeared harmonious with the idea of an astral fortress. Because it fit the formula I was working with, I decided to go along with the angels instructions. I went to the plane and began to discourse with the guardian, Gaxama. He directed me to a city he called TChull (Teth, Cheth, Vau, Lamed = 53 equal to the spelling I was given of Gaxamas own name) and told me that the only way to establish anything there was to unite three forces into a single dynamic unit. I had been studying this concept with the Enochian spirits (the

substance that works itself from within) for some time, so although this was vague, I had the idea that it indicated the need to provide a structure within which the three alchemical principles could co-exist and influence each other. Feeling somewhat bucked, I returned to consult with Tzadkiel and Mr. Church. I mention, as a point of interest that may or may not arise again, that Tzadkiel told me Gaxama was generated by the square on the last line of the linea patri of the southern Watchtower. I understood very little about the seniors, their role in the Enochian system, or even enough about Enochian scrying to use that information at the time, but the fact that it occurs here may be of some interest to someone. It was at this time that I discovered that the several illustrations I had been given as tokens of the lock were all trying to explain one very simple thing to me. It was a secret of the cube, which is described in the Assiah Operation. It was only after this working, of April 8 2005, that I realized all of the little drawings I had made traced the outline of a cube, and that by putting the lineal figure I had been repeatedly shown in that outline, it completed the drawing. The key, when placed in the lock, turns two two-dimensional figures into a single three-dimensional figure. As I returned to Qesheth to explore TChull and try to get more information from the entities there, I began to experience severe difficulties. There were a couple of times that I totally lost concentration and drifted through phantasm after phantasm, losing track of myself and draining my energy considerably. I tried to correct the problem by banishing Luna (the wandering mind) and invoking Raphael, (who I was working with on a daily basis) but I still got a lot of deluded, fanciful, or outright false data. Only a few of the entities remained clear after they were tested by the pentagram and hexagram, but those that did had some interesting things to say. One of them told me that a force he called Magel (Mem Aleph Gimel Aleph Lamed = 75, Lucifer, Wailing [goetic], 15 x 5 The power and terror of life and 25 x 3 the sorrow/ understanding of the Beast) existed to thwart my efforts. The entity explained that I would have to bind the guardian, the city, and the stone to my own Will in order to accomplish what I intended to accomplish, and that Magel was certain that I would fail and destroy the place. This entitys intent was to pose itself as an enemy, and either defeat me, or make me strong enough to do what I had set out to do. At the time, I thought nothing of this conversation. If something on the astral plane said something like that to me now, I would have taken more notice, but I had a lot on my mind, and I was starting to get very suspicious of astral work in general. I had been lied to by some of the spirits of that city a few times, so I put little stock in any single piece of information that they gave

me until I saw that it was consistent with other phenomena. The endless stories and images were interesting, but they never seemed to go anywhere. Magel certainly was not on my mind in any way, shape, or form. I went about my business, did my yoga, and worked on my riddles. Several weeks went by. At approximately four am on June 13 2005, I went to bed. As I lay waiting for sleep, I took note, as one does, of the explosions of color that appeared in the darkness of my closed eyes. Sometimes they start to look like things, and on this particular evening I noticed one that looked like a man with a shadowed face, a tall hat, and tornados for arms. He was calm, and appeared to be regarding me intently. I thought nothing of it at first. After a few minutes, I noted that while the other shapes wraithed and twisted in and out of form, this one seemed remarkably constant. When I noticed this, it seemed to get closer, and everything else faded away. I became uneasy. I opened my eyes for a few minutes, and closed them again. It was still there. I got up for a drink of water, and closed my eyes while I stood before the tap in the bathroom. It was still there. I started to get nervous. I formed the banishing pentagram of earth three times in green and black wreathes of lightning, and fired them into the image. After the first two times it briefly disintegrated, and then reformed. After the third time, it withdrew. I say, withdrew, because I distinctly felt the sensation of suction, as though I was underwater and a very large body was moving away from me, pulling the water with it. Shortly thereafter, I was treated to the appearance of a large reptilian figure that would be colloquially described as a dragon, and became locked in astral combat. Several of the Watchtower angels had attempted to demonstrate how to do this to me, so I was not at a loss. I eventually dispatched the creature and fell into a long, deep sleep. I was out for fourteen hours, and woke up soaked in sweat, my head pounding, still fatigued. It wasnt until almost midnight the next day that I remembered what had taken place, but when I did it all came back with staggering clarity. (Remember- this was a working I was supposed to do in the fall of 2004, but tried to postpone for a year) I also realized that the attack seriously harmed the OTHER work that I was doing with the angel Raphael to prepare for a confrontation with Samael. Mr. Church warned me that I would be unable to safely make the journey to Bar Shacath on my own steam. I wasnt too hot with astral work at the time. I could do it, but it was a laborious process. Now that there seemed to be an immediate threat coming from that realm in the form of Magel, I realized that I had to improve my skills in a hurry. This entity was actually capable of attacking me and exhausting me to the point at which I slept for half a day, which isnt quite the fire and lightening of a magical monster from

the movies, but all the same, the effects were real and unpleasant enough for me to take the matter seriously. I used a series of invocations based on the Book of Tobit. These were to be recited upon awakening, and before sleep, every day for thirty-six days. On days six, twelve, eighteen, twenty-four, thirty, and thirty-six, I was to perform a ceremonial invocation of Raphael, and seek unity with the angel in aspiration. If there was an interruption, I had to start over. Magels attack caused me to forget about my work the next morning, making the second interruption. I was angry that I had to start over, but I had a new enthusiasm for this work, seeing as how there seemed to be a direct threat. I completed the task around the end of the month of July, 2005. The next step, naturally, was to test my abilities. Raphael promised, not to guide me, but to aid me in my sight. This promise was fulfilled. Before this, and after the Samael confrontation, my astral vision was blurry and indistinct. Landscapes were just smudges, and figures vague shadows. Raphaels blessing allowed me to see the astral plane clearly, in detail. I lost that ability, (with the exception of those times I employed ether) but Ill never forget it, nor will I hesitate to call on him if I need to see like that again. At any rate, I had received the instruction to build my palace in Qesheth from Tzadkiel, so I decided to start off by traveling astrally to the plane of Chesed. After all, he had always come to visit me, and I never went to his place. It seemed only just. I will mention, briefly, because it is miraculous although insignificant, that I experienced abnormal phenomena involving my regular vision at the height of the Raphael work. There were a number of times that I lay in bed with my eyes closed, and yet the room around me was totally visible. I experimented with this, moving around my apartment, touching objects, able to see everything perfectly, in spite of the dark and you know the eyes closed. I had no control over when this happened, so it was not really practical. I had previously contacted Tzadkiel as part of the eighteen-step program the Assiatic Angels provided for the manifestation of the lock. He appeared, as he always does, as a dark man with a large lidless eye in the center of his body. At the time, I was using the magical name Cheth-MemDaleth. Tzadkiel held up a globe, upon which appeared the letters ReshAain-Cheth-Mem-Daleth. It says something about my attention to detail when I tell you that it was roughly two weeks before I realized that the last three letters were the name I had been going by. As was my custom at the time, I had added up the numbers and paid little attention to the letters themselves. Resh-Aain is a prefix denoting Evil. The Hebrew word for Evil is Vau-Resh-Aain, (note the similarity to another, very important word, and wonder at the significance of the tail on Vau and Zain) and the Resh-Aain combination often modifies another word, indicating that it is toward evil.

Essentially the word Tzadkiel held up was evil desire or perhaps desire for evil. Im not totally sure. This was the sign that I was to use to formulate my astral base on Qesheth. It was also a warning about what was about to happen in my romantic life, but I didnt realize that at the time. But how does one formulate an astral base? I really had no idea. I needed more information. I took eleven days. I banished at the commencement and the climax of the work, but at no time in between. Each day began with a performance of Reguli, followed by the invocation of the Bornless One, the greater Pentagram ritual using AL and Jupiter, (classic, unmodified G:.D:. style) the Greater Hexagram ritual of Jupiter (open with NOX close with LVX) and a repetition of the conjuration of Tzadkiel that I used during the Assiah Operation. On the fourth, eighth and eleventh days I actually left my body and traveled to Chesed. On the other days, I merely assumed the position of the Hanged Man and reached out for Tzadkiel. My attempts to receive instruction from the archangel were totally successful, although if youd asked me that at the time I would have thought that you were crazy. Spirits have an odd habit of talking to you as though you knew perfectly well what the future held. Even helpful intelligences seem to have a hard time clearly establishing the magicians position in time, never mind clearly articulating how long it will take for this or that point to establish itself. I taxed myself severely during this time, mostly because I didnt take the warnings about astral fatigue seriously. It seemed impossible to me that I could REALLY suffer any kind of serious affect by overstraining myself in this capacity. This will appear comical, perhaps, coming so quickly on the heels of a debilitating astral attack perpetrated upon my person by an entity whose objective existence I had serious grounds to question, but one does not simply learn a lesson once. By the ninth day of astral travel to the plane of Tzedek, I was nuts. Not just a little bit nuts. I was a raving lunatic. Freya was living in Waterloo, Ontario at the time, Puddlefairy had just moved to Vancouver, and most of my other friends had also recently left Fredericton, so nobody noticed my insanity right away. I got my first clue during a late night phone call, when Freya told me that she was afraid I was going to hurt myself. I didnt understand what was wrong, or why she had become so upset. She told me that I had just threatened to kill myself. I had no memory of saying any such thing, which was a little bit frightening. She told me that I had been talking about it for some time, but I had no idea. This was especially weird, because I thought I was having a great time. I was unemployed, collecting E.I. (Welfare or employment insurance) and spending each day in prayer and yoga, and each night drinking and partying. It was my last true summer vacation. Although my friends had all moved away, I had a very active social life, spending each night going out with the express intention of meeting new people, and making new friends. (Which I did, but these new people didnt know me well enough to spot the

cracks in my psychological edifice at the time.) My methods for the working were simple. I performed vel Reguli, the invocation of the Bornless One, the Greater Pentagram Ritual invoking water, tracing the sigil of Jupiter in the name AL, the Greater Hexagram Ritual (NOX then LVX) invoking Jupiter, and repeated my conjuration of Tzadkiel from the Assiah Operation. On the fourth, eighth, and eleventh day, I actually left my body and traveled astrally to Tzedek, usually with Tzadkiels help. On the other days, after my invocations I simply assumed the position of the dying Buddha and allowed the vision to wash over me. Rather than go on a Wizard of Oz style literary adventure of floating heads and eerie voices (which I have no patience to construct at the moment) I will attempt to summarize the salient points. - The Grade of Magus can be conferred before the mind is prepared, and the magician can accidentally assume this position, for brief periods of time, as a result of other work. Terrible things can happen because of this, as the mind that is not perfectly controlled will invariably, as it creates its universe, create it in the image of its fears and desires. - The muscles that focus and unfocus the eye are crucial to the relationship between the pyramid of LVX and the extension of that light. Ive experimented with this one for years, but I dont really understand it. Ive seen what theyre talking about, when working with mirrors or pyromancy, but I dont know what it means. - Tzadkiel only appeared in the visions when my focus was imperfect. He had to be there, as a mediator between myself and the plane. If I was able to concentrate I experienced the visions without him. - By day four, the strain of so much invocation without banishing was becoming intense. My head began to feel crowded. - The Abyss is in the Pyramid This came in a repetition of the vision of my conjuration of the archangel Sandalphon from the Assiah Operation. I saw a truncated pyramid, with a large blinking eye at the topmost square. The eye was the eye of knowledge, gazing up at the heavens. When this happens, it channels the power received through the point, which, when directed at the base of the pyramid, shatters it. When the eye of knowledge is directed downward, at the pyramid itself, it channels the power that it receives (by studying itself) upward, across the abyss. The lesson here is that one is to study oneself, and thereby ascend to Godhood, because to attempt to comprehend Godhood is to apply reason to a task to which it is fundamentally unsuitable. - The celestial path leads to Hell. Those who would seek paradise must begin with the infernal realm, and allow the universe to equilibrate this naturally. - Heaven and Hell are not places, but directions, for we are all Going. Compare this to the culmination of the HGA working. The lowest pit of Hell is shown as an empty space. The implication here is one is a direction toward

nothingness and the other is the impulse toward creation. - On day five the visions became so intense that I thought I had broken my spine in my shuddering and convulsing. This sensation continued for two very long, very scary, hours during which I was incapable of moving anything but my head. - The plane of Tzedek is too simple to comprehend in visual terms without training. I was unable to perceive it very well without help. As one ascends the tree of life, the increase of simplicity is the greatest cause of confusion. - Tzadkiel took me to the tower I had been using to leave my body in astral form, and showed me two doors that I had never seen before. One, he said, lead to my temple, but I couldnt open it. Later, as I learned to use the opening of the Tuat, I discovered that the astral space it opened had a door in it, which leads to my tower. In other words, opening the Tuat brought me into this tower by a means that I was new, and relatively wondrous, to me. This will become crucial, as the story of my confrontation with Samael continues to unfold. The other door leads to the basement. Ive never gone down there. I have had occasion to visit the basement only twice. I have no memory of what took place there on either occasion. - On day six, I started seeing other places, people, and things. This was, I am certain, a form of remote viewing, but I had no control over it or knowledge of what I was looking at. At the time I was certain it was a message from the Gods, but now I look at my incomprehensible notes, remember the lack of banishing, and think images, images, images, all without control. This phenomenon persisted to the end of the operation, at which time I became totally astrally blind for a short time. I think it may have been a form of burnout, like staring at the sun for too long, but that's just idle speculation. What I had been seeing I would later recognize when I moved to Toronto to perform the HGA working. They were images from the east end of Queen Street, where I would be living and working during that time. - I was instructed to never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to save anybody from themselves. This is the greatest sin. Another warning about Sasha. - On day eight, I left my astral body on the plane of Tzedek, in the care of two of the Cashmalim, Kolostael and Astrael. They would be my heralds and helpers for the rest of the time I spent working on that particular grade. - By day nine, I literally could not think. It was like having a radio tuned to static going full blast in my head. At this point I was officially batshit, but my memory was so sporadic that I didnt really know it. I started blacking out on a regular basis. - On day ten, I attempted the operation under the influence of LSD. Ive never been able to leave my physical body on this drug. I actually find that it

seals me in, forcing introspection rather than exploration, but there were some interesting visions, preceded by a very large, very clear appearance of the Arabic numerals 34. I didnt know Kabala well enough to immediately recognize it at the time, but when I checked Sephir Sephirot later and found Al Ab I was pleased. The visions themselves were of a personal nature pertaining to my performance of the HGA operation. I was told that it would have to be done in a very densely populated area, and saw the woman who was to be my helper during this time. This was actually another reference to Sasha, as she would be the one to finally motivate me to move. I didnt recognize her from this image when I met her. She looked completely different, during the time that we were together, than she did when I was doing that working. - I was asked to consent to be gazed upon by The Eye of Tzedek, which was the gateway to ascend from that plane to Sabbathi. This was notable to me, because I had never been asked to give my consent for something like that by a spirit before. When I showed that I could withstand the gaze, Tzadkiel gave me a token to bring to the King of TChull, the city in Qesheth, to prove that I could replace him and that I could defeat Magel. I spent about a week afterward in total chaos. I couldnt see anything on the astral plane, and none of my rituals had any result or effect. Gaxama told me (I could hear him on Qesheth, but not see him) to summon Raphael and beg him to heal me. When he did appear, he was furious that I had been so foolish as to risk my sanity in such an obvious and unprofitable manner. All the same, I thought he was worrying about nothing. Its funny, because I intellectually KNEW a lot of the things being described to me in these visions, but theres a really big difference between intellectually knowing something and having a direct spiritual encounter with the concept of it, and interpreting that through your astral senses. The tools shown to me by Tzadkiel may have simply been metaphors or useful images to assist concentration, but they were, as the title suggests, very USEFUL. Their objective reality notwithstanding, theyve made my magick significantly more successful. On August first, I was unblinded and back on my feet. Frenchie and Freya were moving back to town, and I had just met Sasha. That romance was in full bloom. We were not happy with the new apartment. It looked great when the guy showed me the place, with assurances of cleanup and repairs. It would have been a steal. The promised cleanup and repairs never took place. At the time I had experienced a number of difficulties due to this or that clause in this or that lease, so I was refreshed by the idea that this guy wanted to do things under the table. This may seem incredibly stupid, but I was having no luck finding a three-bedroom apartment that would accept three people who didnt have jobs, so I decided, what the hell...

This would turn out to be a bad choice. Faulty wiring caused the fire, and the landlord was a drug addict. His parents owned a number of buildings in the city, and because he was basically unemployable, had given him a few properties to run on his own and generate some income for himself. He was perfectly useless. Freya got a job quickly, but Frenchie was content to lounge around and sponge off of the two of us. I had quite a bit of money at the time, so this didnt initially bother me as much as it otherwise would. To Frenchies credit he did eventually repay me, and I didnt really miss that money at the time. I was dating Sasha at the time, and saw a way of edging Frenchie out and settling myself in with the two ladies, who shared a mutual attraction. I could have pulled it off too, if it hadnt been for the fire. In retrospect, had I handled the situation better it would have been fine, but I fell prey to self-pity and self-destruction, not terribly attractive qualities, instead. I say all of this mostly to elucidate my vague comments below. There was troubling turmoil among my nearest and dearest, which could have, as far as I could see, been totally resolved by the removal of one obnoxious individual. I took some subtle steps toward this at the time, but in retrospect I should have been a great deal more severe. If we ask for things before we are ready to receive them, but the magick is strong, it has a way of altering our lives to prepare us for our desires. This can, naturally, take several years. All I will add to this painfully obscure qualifier is that no obvious result of a successful magical working, however apparently catastrophic, should be treated as anything other than a blessing. In my experience, the true disaster always comes, not because of the event itself, but because of the subjects pigheaded refusal to see what took place as anything other than the obvious first step to the fulfillment of his or her request. On August second, I experienced another attack. Its form was very much the same as the first assault, although my overconfidence in dealing with the intruder lead to his rather getting the better of me. Although I eventually severed whatever connection the spirit was exploiting to gain access to me, the resultant fatigue was paralyzing. This encounter finally ended when I became sufficiently alert to invoke Raphael. Like most of the astral work that I was doing around that time, the whole thing was quite visually vivid, which my astral perception never was before. Most of the instruction here was in how to get my sea legs in this state of consciousness, which is perfectly useless to repeat in script. All the same, it was remarkable in that I had really only intended on going to bed, but ended up working for an hour or two instead. This was back when I was convinced that invoking before sleep was a great idea (and, from this story, whos to say its not?). At this point, I started going around asking for advice. It would be rather dull to recount the specifics as they warrant no more than two lines

each (a symbol for a talisman to be drawn on a particular square from an angel here, a funky astral vision there) but I was pulling out all the stops. My bedroom had no real function other than to be a temple, and I was upgrading my BA to honors standing and writing a thesis, so I spent a lot of time on campus. The room didnt FEEL lived in. This is, I think, essential. (I have since revised that view. My present temple is set up in a similar way, but it is clearly a space for dwelling) I hung chains across the ceiling so that I could dangle cords with different talismans and enchantments strung along them, plastered the walls with appropriately stimulating images, and generally did good with making the place into a proper temple. One thing nags my memory. Although the working was successful in the sense that I resolved the conflict that was taking place, several other conflicts, apparently unrelated which I was wholly unprepared to confront, flared up very suddenly around the same time. The fire, I repeat, SHOULD have solved all of my problems, romantic and financial. Instead, I lost several things that were genuinely important to me, none of which were actually consumed by the blaze. This is what happens when one attempts such work without establishing contact with the Holy Guardian Angel. Im not saying dont do it, Im just saying that mistakes will be made. At any rate, as we rolled into October, I began to work with the Cherub ASMT. I actually worked with, as I have inferred, numerous entities in preparation for the opening of the window for the Samael confrontation, but I mention this particular one because the lessons I learned have served me in many other workings relating to potentially terrifying spirits, and strongly influenced the ritual I would use for the final working. At the time, I was not impressed. From my notebook: One way or another, this was a dismal failure. Depending on which part of the operation actually caused the failure, I was either subconsciously projecting myself from a corrupt signal, or I was grossly negligent in my follow-through. Before any discussion of the operation itself, some context has to be established. For some reason I kept thinking that I was invoking a fire spirit. I caught myself about to use fire instead of earth in the Greater Pentagram ritual, and I kept saying the fire Godnames, having to start over several times. The angel began to show me methods of obtaining visions of my own death, and my past lives. His methods worked very well, and I continue to use modified versions of these today. These workings, tied to the phases of the moon, have never failed to produce noticeable result, and are generally as simple as finding the right head space and reciting the appropriate key. However, in response to the terror of the vision itself, ASMT clearly told me to draw a certain protective sign on my arm that night, to avoid outside interference. I totally forgot to do this. How I managed to forget such a thing boggles my mind, but the fact remains that as the evening wore on, I began to have progressively more intense blackouts, and to behave in a highly

aggressive and unbecoming manner during these periods. Like the previous episode with my travels to Tzedek, I clearly recalled what was happening before and after these blackouts. The fallout from that night was nowhere near as severe as it could have been, I suspect, because my shifts in character and comportment were so sudden and radical that it came as little surprise to those involved that I was being interfered with. I will mention, as a side note, that such lapses in caution that cause us to immediately disregard a very important magical device or symbol are not uncommon. My favorite such instance involves an attempt to contact and Enochian governor. I had been painstakingly crafting a square out of the spirits name on fine paper with a silver pen. I finished this labor, headed off to feed myself before the working, and returned to the temple to set up and begin. I couldnt find the square. After almost forty-five minutes of searching, I located it in the garbage. After working on the damn thing for almost three hours, I promptly, totally unconsciously, crumpled it up and tossed it out. These things happen. This is why a working partner is helpful. With Raphaels help, I beat the fatigue and, on the night of November 29th, began a big ritual. In order to formulate an astral base on Qesheth, (it is significant that this is the place that Mr. Church would later decide to take up residence) it was necessary for me to encounter and gain the allegiance of several entities that I believe to be personifications of the major functions of the plane. They appeared as a royal family, Prince, Princess, Vizier, Queen and King. This seems like a perfectly reasonably way to establish a base on a particular plane to me. When I had confirmed that they all fit into their roles as aspects of Qesheth, I listened very carefully as they told me what they were, what they did, and what they wanted. It seems extravagant to go into particulars, except to say that they all wanted some proof of my ability to manage the task at hand. The natures of these proofs were, in all cases, gematrically suited to the names of the spirits, so I was very satisfied. Because I had to encounter five spirits in one night, however, I was pretty drained. I took a day off to rest. The next day, the place burned. I got the phone call around sunset. I was working on my thesis at the coffee shop, and so as fate would have it, I had my two laptops, all my important notes and books, and everything else that was necessary to finish my thesis with me. The one thing I didnt have that I would later need was my grad-school application and various letters of recommendation. As it was, I never renewed it. This is not, I should mention, something I regret in the slightest, because if I HAD gone to grad school, I would never have received the libidinous education that comes with working in a busy kitchen, nor would the Istar or Amoun-Ra workings have taken place. At four am that night, I approached the Eye of Tzedek. I should have known from the result of this encounter that something was wrong. I was, for lack of a better phrase, blasted dry by the experience. I came to at sunrise,

muttering the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away repeatedly to myself. In spite of my failure to perfect the formula, I did pass the test and initiate the necessary conflict. I am uncertain whether it was even possible for me to use the formula the way it had been intended, as I lacked tools, equipment, and temple space which was consecrated and concentrated by frequent use, but that could be a case of sour grapes on my part. The experiences I had throughout the duration of the window of time during which I was to confront Samael were a bit hazy. I continue to remember, or to think that I remember, scenes and small interludes that took place over several lengthy astral visions. I was under the influence of a great deal of ether, which I tried to counter with strong coffee, but even so, putting the details in order was difficult at the time. I suspect that this sacrifice must sometimes be made to achieve the necessary intensity of mind, which will allow the experience to imprint itself truly upon consciousness, thus serving as an initiatory trigger. I suppose that this would be unnecessary if my yoga was better, but we make do with what we have while seeking to improve. I spent a very, very long time working on the image that Samael showed me when everything that needed to be accomplished had been accomplished. It is referred to by him, and later by Mr. Church, as the extended cube. It is, in a sense, an elaboration of the ideas contained in ASMTs Gate of Death vision, but a great deal more complex. Each face of the cube is extended in a pyramid, the distance to the apex of which being of a length equal to one side of the cube itself. Most of the data I gleaned about this shape came from situating it on a two-dimensional plane using graph paper. First things first. Appearing in this way, the shape (which probably does have some real mathematical name of which I am completely oblivious) has thirty-six sides and thirty-six faces, indicating its inherently solar character. On a two dimensional plane the figure can easily be broken up into a cube and two hexagrams. The Gate of Death vision showed how two triangles, in the process of interlocking, create a square, just as this vision shows how two hexagrams, in the process of interlocking, make a cube. I see this as three sixes, as the perfection of the cube inclines me to attribute it to Tipereth, but I could be reaching too far there. This will become significant in the Istar working. Ive tried hard to write a reasonable interpretation of the following, but I am uncertain that this would be of great value. From my notes: This cube indicates the extension of a star in space, rather than from heaven to earth, or vice versa. Power reaches out in all directions. From the summit of each pyramid burst fanlike protrusions of light, as the power gathered from the solid base was expelled and diffused. Samael displayed the evolution toward this shape in five phases. Phase one was a triangle, the first phase of division. If we have two things, we automatically have three things. Phase two is the extended or

three-dimensional triangle in which the flat shape becomes the base of a three-cornered pyramid. Phase three takes place when the point of one extended triangle crosses the point of an equal but inverse triangle, creating a cube in the middle. The fourth point is the cube as it unfolds into the cross (I was shown an image of rainfall, indicating that this was water becoming air, a reference to the hexagrams shown in the G:.D:. ritual) upon which I was shown the image of the crucified man. In phase five, the phase Samael first showed me, each face of the cube is extended. I am uncertain whether this is to indicate that the relevant change previous to the unfolding into space and time, or that there in an implied concentration following the unfolding. This image, I was told, was the Ark of the (or my, a crucial distinction) Covenant with the Lord. Phase six was shown as this image unfolded, face by face, into a large mosaic design whose nature I am not fully able to comprehend. All of this information became clear to me over the course of the next year or so. At the time it was just squiggles on scraps of paper to remind me of what I had seen. What I was seeing is the abstract representation of the MECHANISM by which essence expresses itself as existence. Getting access to Samael made things rough, but it ended the crazy behavior. Ive never had a blackout similar to the ones that I had been having since the initial encounter since the Samael working. (That remains true to this day, although there have been minor lapses in memory, nothing quite so dramatic or frightening happened during those times) Now, I had new problems. Feedback is the only way that I can think of too describe it. It was like a guitar turned up too loud and shrieking. I needed a filter so that I could clearly express this energy. Mr. Church told me that the problem was a lack of balance. I had introduced a powerful force into my life without making room for it and that force has to be equilibrated. This was the primary motivation for the Istar working. When I had been working extensively with Liber XI, the form the divine feminine seemed to take with me seemed most appropriate to this Goddess. I felt certain she would be appropriate to equilibrate Samael. I had done much the same thing with Mentu and Lilith a couple of years before (it didnt work nearly as well- I wasnt quite as good at ceremonial magick at the time) so I had some sort of idea what I was trying to accomplish and how to do it. Magical feedback like this can make you easily distracted and skittish, but thats a far cry from blackouts, suicide threats, and the other various transgressions I committed during that time. When something tells you that your task is to manifest the Ark of the Covenant, you do pay attention, and, if youre like me, you get skeptical. The relevant plane upon which this confrontation took place was, as you may recall, "Qesheth," which was the word to describe the rainbow God places in the sky as a sign of his Covenant with Noah in Genesis, so the connection seems obvious and immediate enough (I only found that out a couple of

months ago, btw). Let the record show that, to honor this covenant Noah makes with God that He will leave mankind be and not directly intervene again, the Hebrews get circumcised. I developed phimosis at the inexplicably late age of 28, and was circumcised in 2009 for medical reasons, just ten days before moving to Toronto to do my HGA working. Adult males sometimes develop phimosis, but after the age of twenty-two it is incredibly rare. This was an indication of what was to take place later, although as you will notice from my remarks, I had no idea where this was leading at the time. Be that as it may, as Ive said, Im suspicious that this is a strictly personal bargain, although the progression of images in the representation of Coming into Being which Samael provided were very similar to the types of images I saw in the Assiah operation. One thing that I find difficult about the Thelemic system is that it makes it hard to see how many people ones objectives are going to effect. People obviously affect each others lives, so it stands to some reason that this would be part of the equation, but I could be wrong about that. Maybe its just the thing Im looking at, the process of creation itself, and for a really divinely inspired baker it would turn out to be the perfect muffin recipe. Maybe this Ark will just be the dirty joke that changes my life, but part of me is unwilling to settle for that. The funny thing is that even ones HGA is limited with some respects in this sense. The angel is, after all, a personal guide. Even for a world-teacher, the relationship is limited to the individual. Maybe Im just asking them for more information than I need to do my job, but I refuse to apologize for that. My position on this has changed slightly, but not totally. Reading this makes me think of the way that people try to dodge the more difficult implications of something like the Enochian system. Is it THE apocalypse? Or a personal, transformative apocalypse? My take on this is that people can change themselves without magick. If its just the ark of my covenant, with no significance beyond my own particular path, it seems less significant to me. I dont see the point of using magick to do things I could easily do without it.

The Seven Gates of Istar 2007-06-14 15:38:00

During my confrontation with Samael that followed the fire I received a vision that I could mathematically explore, but did not understand. I was told by Mr. Church that, to understand this message, I would have to purify my image of the feminine. This would require the redemption of certain mythic archetypes and the undoing of uncritical emotional responses. To this end, I had to purify my image of the feminine, and derive from that image an instructor suited to my particular essence. I shown how to collect the garments of the Goddess Istar on the astral plane, use to them to create an astral body for the Goddess to inhabit. I was to impregnate that astral body, and learn what I could from the child that was born from our union. (This childs incubation lead to the Black Box working which is referred to, but not recorded in detail here. She comes up again in the Watchtower working that followed my HGA work) The child would, so long as the work was correctly performed, be a combination of the Perfect Woman and my own essence. The method is that detailed by Atu XII: to invoke and conceal the light, (at the time I didnt know that Amoun Ra means concealed light) plunge into darkness, and reveal it in the underworld. I did not choose the sacrifice. I realize, in retrospect, that this was very foolish on my part. It was like giving Pluto a blank cheque. Nevertheless, the object was attained. Journal entries pertaining to this operation begin about six weeks following the last days of the confrontation with Samael, (i.e. the second and third week of January, 2006) a period during which no work whatsoever was attempted. I didnt really have a chance to react to the fire right away, because of this rather pressing magical business that had to be done. After the confrontation, some sense of normality began to return, only to find that it had nothing to return to. Everything was in upheaval. I was at a bit of a loss for what to do or how to feel. I was in school, but it was Christmas break, so I had little to distract me from the disarray of my life. While I looked for a new apartment I was living in my moms basement, which, aside from aggravating my allergies to the point at which I basically couldnt breathe through my nose the whole time I was there, making Pranayama, my usual means of combating ennui, impossible. There was a lot of drama going on in my personal life as well, much of which was fallout from the fire. I was unhappy with my girlfriend at the time, but breaking up was complicated for various reasons.

We had been drifting apart for a while. I was ready to end it until she attempted suicide. Her gesture had nothing to do with me, or our relationship, but I felt guilty all the same. I was supposed to be with her that night, but my brother was in town. I wanted to spend time with him instead of her, and she freaked out. I was fairly callous in response. I had become tired of emotionally supporting her, I wanted I had known she was unstable, but didnt realize quite how bad it was. She had been completely fixated on me, and I had been somewhat distant. When my brother went to bed I decided to go to her apartment and surprise her. When I got there they were carrying her out of the building on a stretcher. After this happened I devoted myself completely to her. We moved in together and I gave her every spare moment of my time. As a result, she very quickly lost all sexual interest in me. The fire was an accident, but it made things stressful for everyone involved, not the least of which because of the financial issue. I had paid the full damage deposit when we moved in, which we were entitled to have returned, because the fire was ruled an accident and insurance covered the whole thing. We discovered, however, that our meth-head landlord had never registered the building, had failed to pay his lease on several of his other holdings, owed money to a number of people, and had recently skipped town. Without getting into the messy details, I pretty much spent the month laying around, drunk, listening to hundreds of hours of interviews with Israeli officials which I had downloaded from the internet, and trying to dredge up enough anger to drown out my general misery. I did a lot of important research for my thesis, and probably put a couple of scars on the ol liver. This changed when I made a discovery. I may have been miserable, bored, and besotted, but I couldnt fail to notice the large gap in my notes. At the end of the month, I moved in with my girlfriend, (What the fuck, Ryan? What the fuck?) an act which was to doom our relationship, but which allowed me to think a little more clearly. I need to be able to breathe to think, and I need space to do magick. Moms place is not going to cut it. Whenever I lose my magical direction I return to the riddle of the Assiah operation. By showing myself victorious in my confrontation with Samael and establishing my astral fortress on the plane of Qesheth I had effectively fulfilled the second point of the six-point program that they had given me to reveal the secrets of the key and the lock. It was time to go back to those, and see if they would yield any new data. I keep a notebook with graph paper for geometric figures, in which I had copied the squares of Agrippa and the Enochian tablets, for obvious reasons. By coincidence, I had been using one of the many pieces of scrap paper on which I had doodled the key and lock as a bookmark for the solar kaema, which I had intended to use to design some sigils for the circle I

had been planning to use before my temple burned down. Out of curiosity, I drew both figures on the kaema, and discovered that both covered twenty squares, and the values of the squares covered, in BOTH cases, added to 370. This discovery had the instant effect of snapping me out of my melancholy. The key and lock combined to 444, the number of sanctuary, the solidification of the whirling aleph, and pretty good for a cube. Four is also the number of Jupiter, who is associated with Kaph, gematrically equivalent to twenty, the total number of squares covered by each figure. Because I knew that the riddles answer had to do with bringing thoughts and ideas into physical manifestation, this was highly significant. When I contacted the relevant authorities with my new discovery, I was told that it was possible to make the connection by the means I had discovered (i.e. through the solar kaema- and Baphomet) but that I not only lacked sufficient personal equilibration, but I would also require a filter. I didnt really understand this, and Mr. Church became fed up with trying to explain it to me in my persistent ignorance. Finally, he gave me a vision, and took off. I saw a brilliant woman with flaming hair, luminous skin, leonine features and dazzling eyes. Jan. 12 06 She gave her name as Ka-Rinda. She told me that I would receive a positive sign verifying her authority in three hours time, and that she had come to help me to build an astral body through which the Goddess Istar could manifest. I was not satisfied with this, and she showed me a figure that I dutifully copied into my notebook. Later, on February 2, I would see the same figure in a class on religious iconography that I was taking. It appeared on a slide that we were shown of an early Christian tomb, dating to circa 100 C.E. My professor informed me that it was called a Chi-Ro, referring to the two Greek letters of which it was an amalgam. I had not even considered looking at the Greek alphabet at the time, and certainly not in connection with that symbol. It is worth mentioning that this entity continued to sign at me in Greek, forcing me to learn a great deal that I had been putting off. My research revealed that the figure predated Christianity, and was associated with Greek mythologys own wounded healer, Chiron. I had been told by Mr. Church to entrust the vision I received from Samael to Raphael, and as such it struck me when I added up Chi and Ro, obtaining the value 700, that it was equivalent to the Malakim, the choir of angels over which Raphael presides in the Assiatic world. This number is also gematrically equivalent to the Mercy Seat, which is how several entities that I had contacted regarding the vision had referred to it. At the time, I had only the most vague idea of what this Mercy Seat actually was. Several years had passed since I deeply immersed myself in Hebrew and the Torah,

but I did recall that KPRTh, the name of the object in question, is from the three-letter root word KPR meaning atonement, extended into manifestation by the Tau. References to healing were made frequently by Ka-Rinda. Although that wasnt precisely how I understood the function of Istar as a Goddess, it was certainly the effect that involvement with her had on me. Mr. Church had told me that I had to purify my image of the feminine, which implies that it had been corrupted. In some sense, then, this was a work of healing. Ka-Rinda advised me: -to perform the exercises of Liber Nu and contemplate the Greek Cross. -to devise an invocation of the Goddess based on the legend of Istars descent into Hell. The construction of an appropriate body for manifestation would involve retrieving the seven articles of clothing that were stripped from her in the legend, bringing them to my astral temple, and invoking her there. -to ensure that this work had structural similarities to a similar operation, which I attempted with the Egyptian God Mentu, so the two deities (Martian and Venusian) would equilibrate each other, and moderate my contraction and expansion respectively. -that the practices of Liber Asarte would have to be used -she will transform the serpents venom into a healing balm. She also provided me with the following invocation, and a sigil, to use to contact her again. Hear me! Priestess of Istars southern temple! Agent of the fourth watchtower! Resident of the topmost, blackest column! Hear me! Move and appear! Thou who art the mist that rises! Thou who art the heart that burns! Iao! I took these notes from a conversation with Mr. Church on January 16: About Ka-Rinda, he said: A great priestess from an ancient time. She will be your intermediary. Take great care to invoke her by the means that she hath revealed. The crown of Istar can be found on the plane of Levanah. Invoke Gabriel to guide you and seek the first piece. Give it to the woman in the tower! She is you! She is everyone! She is the one who you must show to those you desire, and she is that which you desire in them. Make her! Create her! Arm her and wed her! And so be whole. HASTE. The woman in the tower was someone who periodically shows up in my astral temple. I had only seen her face twice, and both times I was sent flying out of the window. The first time that it happened (the first time I arrived there) I lost consciousness completely, and the second time she was gone by the time I returned. Since then, my policy (as strange as it sounds) had just been to ignore her and try to stay out of her way. On January 27 I began. I hadnt really talked to Gabriel much since the Assiah operation, but it was good to have him around. Unfortunately, I decided to walk and talk, and as soon as we reached Levanah, the vision

got too distracting to spend much time playing catch up. Images of death and destruction lurked behind the vision at all times. I had extensively practiced the mediations on the corpse described in Liber 777, so I was not disgusted or appalled by the images themselves, but the question of why the fuck are they there at all was hard to escape. This was most pronounced when I approached the woman in the tower. I felt waves of hostility coming from her, as if she might lash out at me at any time. I also felt like I was being watched. Mr. Church would later tell me that this was a good sign, because I was trying to integrate a repressed/ subconscious part of my psyche into my consciousness. It was natural to feel hostility, he said, because I was preparing to integrate this figure into myself, and effectively destroy its independence. The operation would lead to its death in the same way that the operation of my physical death will be the condition of my reintegration into the body of Nuit, something that, he pointed out, I had fought against any time that it was close to happening. The second thing I noticed was that my astral body seemed crippled in some way. It moved with intolerable slowness. In preparation for my confrontation with Samael, one of the things that I was working on was speed and precision in the body of light. All of that seemed to have disappeared. I was slow and clumsy, more so than I had ever been before. Gabriel told me that my revelations had attracted a lot of energy, which I wasnt used to, and that I didnt really have the capacity to properly understand or control it yet. He cautioned me to avoid any further contact with Samael until I recovered my faculties on the astral plane. Without going into the specific details of the astral experience itself (interesting, perhaps, but not particularly helpful) I got my hands on the crown and returned to the tower. When I placed it on the ladys head, she began to glow slightly and speak in a soft voice. I determined from her utterances, after some translation and gematria that the next piece was on the plane of Tzedek. On February 6, I discussed the situation with Mr. Church. He mentioned Istar in connection with some questions that I was asking him about my study of the Israel-Palestine conflict, and my plans (at the time) to travel to the West Bank to study Arabic. I should mention that these plans were only shelved because of Sasha, who made me promise to wait for a year before going. Within a month of my graduation we had broken up, and Israeli forces had effectively re-occupied Gaza and moved into Lebanon. When Harper was elected, the Canadian government divested all involvement in the occupied territories, meaning that there would be no embassy, so I would essentially be there without protection from Canada. Maybe it was a good thing that I didnt end up going. At any rate, Mr. Church had this to say: Make your work with Istar complete, and devise the correct rites of Raphael. Therefore shalt thou fashion a vessel [i.e. a Mercy Seat arranged

according to S.s instruction] pleasing to the Lord upon which to make a sacrifice for the enslaved and, with a blow, win their freedom. Be not afraid. Ask not why. Simply carry out these instructions. This was around the time that I was doing a lot of past life work, and had been told that many of my previous incarnations carried the karma of a magical gesture of self-sacrifice from long ago. It was because of this, the Enochian air of earth angel told me, that all of my past-life visions ended in murder. He informed me that I always met with a violent death, as the curse from my magical gesture of sacrifice. In light of this, the above commandment seemed like the opportunity I had been waiting for. It was a chance to undo the karmic connection to self-sacrifice with an act of murder, if you will. I was pretty stoked. I made the journey to Tzedek on February 9. My astral body was still moving in slow motion, and I found it incredibly difficult to focus my attention on what I was doing. Tzadkiel was very critical of my condition. Unlike Gabriel, he blamed my own incompetence. He has had a lot more experience with my incompetence than Gabriel, so his reaction is, perhaps, understandable. The images of death did not reappear, but the sense of distortion remained. When I took the rings (earrings- the next article of clothing) to the woman in the tower, I very briefly saw her face, something that I had not seen since the first time we met. It was totally blank and featureless. Once again, she started muttering and I started taking notes. I determined that the beads for Istars neck would be found on the plane of Olam Yesodoth, which meant I had to deal with Sandalphon again. I was less than thrilled by this prospect, as Ive always considered him to be the creepiest of the archangels. It was not the last time that I was sent to him over the matter of Istar. February 14 This day, naturally, was the end of my romantic relationship. At the time I didnt really understand what was going on, and was actually fairly optimistic about things between us. It was in this spirit of optimism that I contacted Sandalphon to find out where those damn beads could be found. Sandalphon seemed to want to tell me something, but kept hinting around that we were being watched, and that it wasnt safe to talk openly. I never know what angels mean when they say something is not safe, but I didnt press the issue. He took me to a place that he said was very close to the material plane, near Alexandria in Egypt. In my experience, there are two kinds of astral vision. One is the ephemeral plane of symbols in which shape and point of view are constantly in motion, and the other is very video-like and direct. The first pertains to the astral plane proper, and the second more to a kind of remote viewing, usually involving objects and ideas that are physically manifest in some way. This vision was the second kind. We went underground, and there were a group of figures that claimed to be guarding

the beads. They told me that they wanted a sacrifice in exchange for them. I agreed, and followed their instructions. Id like to say more about them, but I didnt hang around to ask questions. Ive never been comfortable around Sandalphon and felt out of my element. I had what I came for, so it seemed foolish to push my luck. As we were leaving, Sandalphon added something very strange. He told me that the beads DID exist in the physical world, buried beneath the foundations of a house in Alexandria. He showed me what it looked like, and said that the foundation was part of another, much older, building to which the beads had been taken by Mongol thieves after the sack of Baghdad. He seemed to be encouraging me to go to Egypt and look for them. Mr. Church confirmed that, in his opinion anyway, Sandalphon was telling the truth. It is your destiny to seek them! he assured me. It is perhaps your destiny to find them as well. That didnt encourage me too much. The impression that I got from his tone was that I wasnt going to find them, although the perhaps leaves a slim chance. Although I have done some research, I havent made the trip. I did get a few hints and clues from Goetic spirits later. Its still on my agenda. He also instructed me to conjure Ka-Rinda when the sun entered Pisces. I had not been able to determine where the next object, the pins for her breasts, might be found. The words of the woman did not, like the first three times, offer a clear direction. Ka-Rinda, Mr. Church assured me, would be able to tell me what to do next. I wasnt quite content with that. I consulted the I-Ching a number of times and began to calculate the results. February 20 My divination, along with Ka-Rindas advice, revealed that a Goetic entity, the demon Sitri, was to help me obtain this next piece of the puzzle. I was always impressed with the forcefulness, for lack of a better word, of his manifestation, but we didnt really know each other that well at the time. I wanted to ask Ka-Rinda if I was right about this, as well as my next move. Ka-Rinda showed me the arrangement of the temple for this particular work, and told me which Enochian keys to use to solidify the astral walls of the temple that she described. It was built along the lines of the Saturn kaema, with letters marking the squares in Hebrew as follows:
M D Ch M A Ch T D M

The first three letters I recognized as the initials of a Latin oath, Mea

Deo Tyrannus. The second line referred to a magical name of mine, and the third to an entity that Raphael had put me in contact with, who had been instrumental in training me in astral movement and combat as preparation for my confrontation with S. last December. The lines added to 53, 52, and 49 respectively. She added a Gimel, at the bottom of the design, bringing the total to 157, which is significant as a theatre of operations for sex magick, for reasons that, if they are not obvious, are better left unsaid. Let us simply say that it wasnt the first time that this particular individual had been brought to my attention, and her work has meant a great deal to me in my own efforts toward enlightenment. This, I would later discover, was the number that I would attain to in order to overcome the obstacle that I had been presented with, although that operation is not the subject of the Istar work per se, and will not be treated in this post. I mention this only to emphasize the significance of the arrangement with which I had been presented. She also said: Raphael will instruct you on the Ark and the Mercy Seat. Let it ever be made in the likeness of the Lady. She also gave me a token that she instructed me to take to Sitri to bring him totally under my control. She confirmed that he would help me to attain this next part of the operation. She also advised me to attempt a Goetic operation with a friend of mine, which was a complete failure. I suspect that there was a lesson in that. This refers to Freya. We had done workings together with Pagan systems before with some success, and I needed a working partner for the Goetia. Our relationship was over but we still had the right chemistry to make a good ceremonial team. Unfortunately the Biblical imagery in the Goetic conjurations bothered her and she insisted that we modify certain parts of it to make it less monotheistic. Unsurprisingly, this rendered the workings ineffective. February 23 With Sitri under my control, I attempted to obtain the pins for Istars breasts. I set up the temple according to Ka-Rindas instruction and used the call of the 27th aethyr, on Mr. Churchs advice. When I poked my head through the top of temple as part of my exploration, a figure quickly approached me and warned me that the angel of death would be able to enter my pyramid. He refused to tell me his name, but started to try and tell me how to keep out the angel of death. Having read Liber 418, I knew what this meant, and banished the figure with all the force I could muster. When I traveled downward, all I found was silence and darkness. An invocation of the angel of death, as I would later discover, was necessary to complete this work of redemption. As I returned to the temple, having traveled both up and down as far as

I could go, *I* was there. It was another astral form of me, only noticeably older. He told me that I was at a crucial time, and that I was about to suffer a number of significant losses. He encouraged me to remain joyful, as much as I could, throughout this. Finally, after a lot of other advice that I wont go into, he gave me the pins, and I took them back to the woman. This time she did not inspire terror, and her face seemed serene and peaceful. Before she left, however, she said in a clear voice (different from her usual muttering) I can feel you. That kind of freaked me out. Im not entirely sure that I like where this is going. The idea of wedding an astral entity is not appealing to me. I keep flashing back to Crowleys various warnings about these kinds of activities. I have to be absolutely sure to verify EVERYTHING that I talk to, even if I think that I recognize them. February 24 Mr. Church confirms that, once again, I will have to seek Sandalphons aid to find the next piece. The angel tells me right away, that the pins are upon the inscrutable height and that I will have to follow the path of the arrow to obtain them. He was terribly ominous. I dont mean to be a dick, but I kind of hate this guy. I keep getting sent to him, and he keeps communicating vague allusions to catastrophe with no substantial evidence. Again, he emphasizes that I am being watched. He did give me one piece of good advice though. Sandalphon instructed me to seek the Goddess Artemis, taking a line through Liber Asarte, although not in a protracted working. In retrospect, it makes sense that the redemption of my image of the feminine would require more than one Goddess, although it seems preposterously Freudian that the two Goddesses involved were a virgin and a whore, something which didnt occur to me in such frank terms until a year had passed. Sandalphon was frustrated by my confusion at the time, and said the path you walk is straight, if only you could see the forest for the trees. He explained that the only way to make an arrow of myself, at my gross level of attainment, was to go to Artemis, and become a tool of hers. Since her tools were naturally arrows, my astral form as such would correspond into something that could achieve my objective. Mar. 2 Ka-Rinda helped me figure out a formula by which to invoke Artemis. She also talked a bit about Istars power. According to Ka-Rinda, this energy activates the subjects superego and is, essentially, a revealer of secrets. She also introduced me to a nymph in her service to guide me in Artemis' realm. I carried these rituals out on March 04, and Artemis provided me with a prayer to attain to the pins, as well as a token of her authority. The word was expressed in my vision, and can be consolidated to Samekh-Teth-Zain-Kaph-

Aain, which is gematrically equivalent to 166, the number of the Most High that Babalon calls us to profane, which is Her number plus 10, the number of Yod, the seed. This was particularly significant because the hands of our audience played an important role in the vision, which was something that I made note of before I deciphered the word. The experience was one of profound significance in redeeming my image of the feminine, but further exposition would hardly be sensible to the reader who does not perfectly understand my biography, and as such, I omit it from this account. This was the redemption of the virgin by the power of aggression. I was actually told so in as many words by the nymph to that I had been directed by Ka-Rinda. Although aggression is normally associated with yang energy, the whirlpool action of yin can be just as violent. The gravitational pull of the earth, as it was put to me, draws the rays of the sun toward it, but if that pull is strong enough (as in the case of a black hole) it can consume the source of light as well as the light itself. There is a parallel here, on a more cosmic scale, to Hathoor swallowing up Horus. This, in itself, was not enough to receive the pins. They were located on the inscrutable height, but Artemis had given me a token to take to the plane of Qesheth. I had always experienced that place as a high, potentially volcanic, mountain. Several of the natives were familiar, in particular the local guardian-spirit whose name was included on the floor of my temple in the arrangement Ka-Rinda had shown me. Mar. 8 The Guardian, Gaxama, seemed a little surprised at my token. When I told him how I had received it, I got the distinct impression that it wasnt what he expected to hear. He told me that I would have to use the ultraviolet ray to reach the inscrutable height by this means. Strangely, I got the impression he didnt think that I would remember this particular detail. I am not certain what that means. I should note that although he doesnt make a lot of appearances in this document, I interact with Gaxama more than almost any other spirit, simply because I spent so much time on Qesheth after it became the home of the Project. Raphael had originally introduced Gaxama to me after I had damaged my body of light while trying to bite off more than I could chew. He helped me get around on the astral for a while. He is my main mode of transport on that plane, and has never given me bad advice. I had the experience of moving from visible light to invisible light, which I am unable to describe and have not had the opportunity to repeat since, so anything that I have since tried to read into it lacks depth, and feels like

reaching. All I remember with any useful detail was that my body went into an incredible fit of spasms and shaking (Kundalini rising) that did not subside for a few hours. The words I received from the woman in the tower added gematrically to 656, the rose. Mar. 11 Mr. Church had this to say of 656 The Rose of Venus, ruler of the nail! Go like a bee to your queen to the 49 petals. He also advised me to study my deteriorating relationship with what I had learned from the exercises I had been doing in yoga over the past six months. I had been keeping a green notebook of my emotional reactions, a practice that was discontinued as things became more intense and less acceptable to my ego in my romantic life. Mr. Church reminded me that this was the most important time to keep working at it, and instructed me to redecorate my apartment to facilitate my concentration. Mar. 13 I skryed the Enochian aethyr OXO in search of the belt of birthstones. As I went toward the sky, it burst into bloom. I suddenly found myself in a garden of flowers. I watched the bees go from rose to rose, and cries of ecstasy filled the air. My analytical faculties began to function at a very high level, and I started to see the garden as a portrayal of destiny. The pollen was the action of Will, the motion of the Holy Ghost from temple to temple, creating new shrines after its own kind. Each shrine was slightly different, but each constructed in honor of its essence, the pollen of the flower. Although neither bee nor flower was aware, the pollen was the reason that all this was taking place. The nectar was the object of desire, and the bee the desiring agent (ChMD = 52, as on the floor of the temple). I came to see the flowers themselves as events, and each time a bee landed on a flower, partook of its nectar and carried off some of its pollen, that event was fulfilled. I began to understand the individuals were events as well, and that some of these bee/ flower events represented an instant in time, while some of them represented generations of human lives. Naturally, I soon began to remember my objective, and according to the rules of the vision, I became a bee. I approached one of the roses and made the invoking hexagram of Venus. It sprang open, and I saw forty-nine petals upon it. I started to sip nectar from the rose, which moaned and ooed as I did so. I was abruptly thrust back into my body, and a voice spoke. You have seen enough, it said. Suddenly, not only did I have the belt, I was back in my temple. I came to understand later that this was a lesson in temptation. The nectar brings the bee to the flower, as the act of physical love is a carrot on the stick that draws me forward on the path. It was a warning that I would remember later, but thats another story.

The bee is not aware of the pollen, or the role that it plays in the flowers life. But the pollen, not the nectar, is the essence of its action, for the flower and for the hive. When a new hive arrives in an area, it explodes the flower population by seeking out its desires. The slaves, I later understood, are not violating any kind of grand plan by their myopic servitude, because their myopic servitude is PART of that plan. This is something that I still have a hard time with. However many times I am presented with the evidence that it is unwise to do so, there is still a part of me that wants to teach sheep geometry. When I went to the woman, I felt her excitement. It was terrifying, although I couldnt say why. Her enthusiasm was growing, and the golden light that shone from her turned red. On Mar. 15 I spoke to Mr. Church, and he told me that I would have to face a trial. The angel of death was to be set up as my judge. I would have to formulate the ceremonies to accomplish this judgment myself, and afterward, to invoke Ka-Rinda and deliver to her the result. On March 18, I attempted to astrally contact Azrael to determine how best he might be invoked for the purpose of a trial such as the one described by Mr. Church. This working met with limited success. My notes are fragmented. There were numerous reasons for this, but one must bear a particular emphasis. I had begun to inhale ether more frequently during astral workings, which adversely affected this particular record. I was never very good at seeing detail on the astral plane. To me, it was a place of shadowy shapes, and vague colors and outlines. There were exceptions to this in the case of spirits to which I was particularly attuned, but for the most part, my attempts to see astral phenomena relied upon coded messages and geometric figures that I could draw on my graph paper and analyze later on. I found that ether brought the astral plane to life for me. It was a bad deception, because although my visions gained a great deal in artistic appeal, they lost a great deal in coherence. And personally, although I gained a great deal in the awareness of the finer points of astral sensation, I lost a great deal in terms of nasal tissue. I have not used this method since the Amoun-Ra working that took place in July and August of the same year. For the purposes of this discussion, however, this was what I received from Azrael: - Refine your rites according to this: Saturnblack Saturnbold Saturnbright Saturncold -Look to the path of Tzaddi, for the Angel is the Emperor -The power to administer life and death rests with the judge of the Aeon. Go to him and be judged. -preface the ceremony with a funeral for life itself, with Hadit presiding as minister. As for these, the first point was a formula and a mantra. The second a fairly obvious statement of the relevant attributions to be employed from

Liber 777 during the working, the third a confirmation of Mr. Churchs trial model, and the fourth an instruction for mental preparation. Since then, when attempting to contact Azrael, I occasionally employ a different method with much the same effect. If one is not intending a full dramatic ceremony, it is still useful to preface the work by sitting down and writing the phrase I am going to die ninety-three times. This creates a change in mental state similar in nature, although not as powerful, as the funeral for life. I also received this paen: Azrael! Angel of death who standeth alone, indivisible, who are the red metal as the dying blood is red. Even as the corrosive wind of swords falls upon the king, so doth he fill his lungs. So doth he plow his fields. So doth he plant his teeth in the earth, that the Reaper might see the fruits of his labour on the day that the King becomes Subject to Judgment. It seems pertinent to note that an Enochian mantra I employed during the work that followed the Assiah operation was a compound of purified or truthful and wind in the practice of pranayama. The corrosive wind referred to above seems to relate to that, although to know exactly how I would have to understand the geometry that the Enochian angels were trying to teach me. On March 20 I devised an Enochian paen to Azrael to compliment the one given above, as well as a similar invocation in English which was little more than a listing of the gematrical attributes of the angels name. On March 21 I employed these during a large ceremonial working that began with the usual banishing and the preliminary invocation necessary. I was house sitting for a friend, so I had a great deal of space and could make as much noise as I wanted. This was crucial at the time. My living situation had become tenuous. My landlord lived beneath me and drove a school bus. His somewhat plebeian tastes ran to beer and internet poker, and he had noticed that the pretty girl who lived there before me (who he preferred to deal with) was not around much any more. On the 21st I had a fully ornamented temple with the appropriate figures drawn on the floor in chalk. I wont go into the messy details of the trial. This is the information I got: 1. The times, and the enchantment, to look into my past lives. I would only be allowed to see the last few moments, but these operations were to take place on the second day after the full moon and the new moon. I was informed that the kind of visions that I would receive at these different times would not be the same, and that only practice and experience could teach me in what way they differed. 2. I received a symbol of Istar to use in her invocation. This was the symbol that I was to take to her to receive the garment for her body. I brought her this token on March 23. First, I spoke to Ka-Rinda. She told me first that her Will was to vitalize the worship of Istar, and give her priesthood glory by establishing their temporal sexual authority. She also

showed me how to don the horns of Istars power in such as way as to inflame the passion to boil away everything that was not Pure Will. I also received two simple paens, and the instruction to give thanks to Istar, and to visualize her image, whenever I had an erection. I wrote the paens phonetically. There are some aspects of the spelling that I am uncertain about, but the following is what appears in my notes. Paen I. Istar Tolzorge Istar Tolomax Christeos behsiza odo tilb tilb ol toanta Paen II. Christeos vls noan amis christeos buzd ol toanta noan nana bagle iaidon ioiad iadhom Istar At that point, I saw the Goddess for the first time and felt her enter the circle. What follows is a record of what she said to me, which may or may not have any relevence beyond my own experience. Lo, I am upon you. My joy is your joy, and your joy is my law. I am Istar, Queen of heaven, Goddess of the wrathfire, Goddess of the lovefire, yea, I am the triple flame Goddess, IAO! I am the creator, the preserver, the destroyer, the tyrant and the emancipator, the glib and the opaque, the clean and the dirty, the dark and the smooth, the rough and the lightning. I am the spirit I am the Goddess I am the light I am the life and the law. All shall become as they become me, and becoming is to become me, for I am all, and every union is my love, every union is my light, every union is my law. But hark! The law is cast aside and cast into shadows. The shadows of doubt thou wilt disperse. The confusion wilt thou destroy. The distortion wilt thou unwraith and intwist, collect and refine, boil and toil until my light, my life and my law are writ in stone upon the face of the earth. There is no power where am I am not, there is no love where I am not, there is no fire where I am not and there is no breath where I am not. There is no heart where I have not pressed my finger and there is no soul where I have not parted my lips. I am the beginning, the end, and the joy that comes with both. What is between is not of me, lest it be made in my shape, by my law, in my honor. Only then canst I bless the work and the worker. Desirable one thou hast sought to become me, but thou becomest ill, for all becoming is of me. A flame has been kindled and thou wert a ruin, but the lights all gone out left nothing about. In shadow of doubt all the shadows found out that twirling and whirling was what youre about. Thou hast worked bravely but in vain? No! Not this, not yet, but anon, I shall preserve thy work, for thou hast had a death, a birth and a death since trial, and thou hast made me aright within thine heart. Now calm the mind, still the breath, and I shalt fill thee....

(vision of the double cube) And lest thou fail to see, it is my sign. The sign given by Karinda was for you to see, this sign is for you to know. The hellen cross was open and closed, but in it, what hast thou found? Nothing that kingship hath not taught. The Ark! The Ark! There shalt thou see! The ark of thine covenant to the Gods, to thy Will! Know forever that we are one with the current of Thelema, one with the teachings of the prophet AS THOU HAST SEEN. Do not doubt this vision. I give unto thee a sign to teach, and that sign is GABAPT 763 FARGT oln ma teris. The sign cometh in five letters of my name. The way shall be seen clear. The key of Karinda is a great mystery, and to unravel it thou would unravel my secret priesthood, and hope to be one with us anon. Go next to the screechowl, when thou wouldst return to this work. Refine my rights, and my rites. Teach my Will, and live my love! Under the arm of Kirindi oyo, they shook beneath the tongue of Istar. Kirindi, similar to Ka-Rinda, is a word that refers to a person of Persian origin. Kirindi oyo is a river in Sri Lanka, formally Ceylon, where Crowley learned a lot about yoga. What followed was a work of equilibration that lasted approximately two months. This deserves its own note, because this is where my big magical stories intersect. This story is just about Istar, and it will stay about Istar, but it must be understood that my magical work is all about striking a balance between the divine pair, Istar and Mentu, (Mentus significance would diminish, and his office was later filled by Amoun Ra) and the infernal pair, Samael and Lilith. Such an extreme working with Istar required that I spend a few weeks each on the other three, to incorporate all of the new information that I learned into my conceptions of these Gods. I received a revelation from Lilith about the sign she had given me in our previous union, a ritual from Mentu particular for the invocation of the War-God in Hawk form, and a square for Samael, as well as a cipher for decoding the alphabet particular to use in his demiurgic project. This lead to breakthroughs on all major magical fronts. On May 9, I realized that I had come close to the completion of my work. That was the last time that I saw Mr. Church as my teacher. (He maintains a residence on the plane of Qesheth. When I wish to speak with him I visit him there. It is a place I travel to in the body of light frequently, for reasons that will become clear as this record continues.) He took me around the City of Thelema, and showed me the potential for corruption, as well as the weapons to fight it. It was a very strange conversation, but the mystical truths revealed were for me overshadowed by the knowledge that I could no longer come to him for advice until I reached the D.L. portion of the work of the outer college. For that reason, it was a long time before I would return to

the city, or seriously consider the implications of what he had told me. (Not until after the HGA working was complete- he simply called it The City of Thelema and said it would be my job to clean up this town) But the woman in the tower now had a name. Ornamented, she now had a form. We began to talk, and I began to see the mystical veils of confusion and revelation melt away into a definite personality. I was, and have always been, tempted to simply return to the tower to enjoy her company. I have been so puritanical in denying myself this particular pleasure that my astral work significantly dropped off after this took place. Every time I determined that the situation required astral work, I feared that I was only convincing myself of this necessity for an excuse to spend time with her. These conflicted feelings about that figure remain problematic. Considering the working as a whole, I count it as one of the most successful operations I have performed. It allowed me to improve my magical technique, my mundane life, and helped me to understand a lot of things about myself that are important to know if I am to make the psychological/ emotional investments that best illustrate my essential nature. Like my other big operations, Istar generated a lot more work to do. Like my other big operations, it is all tied into the WORSHIP AND KNOWLEDGE OF CREATION, in every sense of the words. And like my other operations, it fits into a bigger picture of a magical career that has been a concentrated effort to love and master the powers of nature. When I started the Istar working I was dead broke and had no idea what I was going to do to change that. As I mentioned, my original plan to leave the country was chucked at the last minute when Sasha made her tearful plea for me to stay with her for another year, and so not only had I incurred the wrath of my academic supervisors (who take a dim view of sudden changes of plan). I took a job washing dishes at the Lunar Rogue. This would lead to my working my way through the ranks there into a position of management, and I would have my introduction to temporal authority. Ever since this working, Ive been consistently in a supervisory role of some kind. Ive never been the big boss but I tend to be the one responsible for running things on the front lines. That may sound like a small thing. It lacks that dramatic magical power feel to it, but the reality is that learning how to be the boss is tremendously helpful, especially if you spend your free time trying to command and direct demons. When I started this mission to purify my image of the feminine, I imagined that it would dispel some kind of latent prejudice that was subconsciously influencing my behavior. And it did... but the prejudice turned out to be my idealized version of Woman qua Woman. By directing that sort of unconditional devotion to an actual Goddess, I freed myself to treat the particular manifestations of Woman with more common sense, and manage to stop putting my romantic interests on impossible pedestals.

After Sasha and I broke up, I attempted to cultivate some meaningless physical relationships that met with absolute disaster. I found that I had more or less lost interest in casual sex. I found myself bored and annoyed by women that I hadnt even fucked yet, which is a ludicrous and farcical way for a man to live life. (I would not recover an interest in casual sex until my relationship with Ivy, who introduced me to a number of group-sex situations that would leave an impression on me, and awaken that kind of hunger again.) I dated a little but, but no one really captured my interest. I was getting deeper and deeper into the occult. The women I met who shared this interest were either only willing to have the most casual engagement with it, batshit insane, or ugly beyond all reason. To women who didnt really know anything about this stuff, it was threatening. (This is less the case in Toronto than it was in Fredericton, for the record.) As time wore on, I began to use the technique that Ka-Rinda helped me to experience more visions of past lives, if thats what they are. I am never sure of the literal truth of these kinds of experiences, but they are somewhat revealing. It seemed that jealousy resulting in murder was a pretty consistent theme. This is not out of tune with my own experience in life. On May 22, I contacted Ka-Rinda, who gave me instructions to bring the woman in the tower to the seventh shell at an appointed time, where she was to be tested by Ereshkigal. I was told no more, only that my conduct as her guide there would be my own test. This would signify my attempt to establish the third part of the lock described to me during the Assiah operation, which is an aspect of this whole operation I have avoided discussing until now, mainly because the work is not complete, so it would be hard to say anything about it. The woman, who had told me that her name was Kraeshandi, accompanied me on May 26. I was really expecting a long, slowly unfolding, vision. It didnt happen. The gates, which appeared as great stone columns, created a confined feeling, although I couldnt see walls or a ceiling. The whole place just seemed to be hanging in space. This was quite different from my previous experience of that astral landscape. I looked for guardians, but didnt find any. As we passed through the first gate, a wind whipped up and Kraeshandis robe was torn away, just as it should have been. At that point I started to get suspicious. This was entirely too easy. Whether the monster was invoked purely by my doubt or not, I cannot say. A terrible noise came from behind us, and I heard loud, fast, heavy footsteps from something large and assumedly vicious coming up behind us. I whispered to Kraeshandi, Let joy be your swiftness. Run for the exhilaration of speed, never for fear. And then I willed myself to the end of the hallway to see what would happen. I became part of the furniture of the vision at that point, and watched what happened to Kraeshandi. When she burst through the last gate, Ereshkigal was there, a tall, pale woman with a beautiful body and a rotten skull for a head. This is where things get a bit

wiggy. In the legend, Istar goes to the underworld to rescue her mortal lover. In this case, however, she was the victim, and I the redeemer. To give what happened next some context, allow me to quote the following:

Then Papsukkal, vizier of the great gods, hung his head, his face became gloomy; He wore mourning clothes, his hair was unkempt. Dejected, he went and wept before Sin his father, His tears flowed freely before king Ea. "Ishtar has gone down to the Earth and has not come up again. As soon as Ishtar went down to Kurnugi No bull mounted a cow, no donkey impregnated a jenny, No young man impregnated a girl in the street, The young man slept in his private room, The girl slept in the company of her friends." Ea, in the wisdom of his heart, created a person. He created Good-looks the playboy. "Come, Good-looks, set your face towards the gate of Kurnugi. The seven gates of Kurnugi shall be opened before you. Ereshkigal shall look at you and be glad to see you. when she is relaxed, her mood will lighten. Get her to swear the oath by the great gods. Raise your head, pay attention to the waterskin, Saying, 'O, my lady, let them give me the waterskin, that I may drink water from it.'" (and so it happened, but) When Ereshkigal heard this, She struck her thigh and bit her finger. "You have made a request of me that should not have been made! Come, Good-looks, I shall curse you with a great curse. I shall decree for you a fate that shall never be forgotten. Bread gleaned from the city's ploughs shall be your food, The city drains shall be your only drinking place, The shade of a city wall your only standing place, Threshold steps your only sitting place, The drunkard and the thirsty shall slap your cheek." Ereshkigal made her voice heard and spake; She addressed her words to Namtar her vizier, "Go, Namtar, knock at Egalgina, Decorate the threshold steps with coral, Bring the Anunnaki out and seat them on golden thrones, Sprinkle Ishtar with the waters of life and conduct her into my presence."

Namtar went, knocked at Egalgina, Decorated the threshold steps with coral, Brought out the Anunnaki, seated them on golden thrones, Sprinkled Ishtar with the waters of life and brought her to her sister. I will leave it to my readers to connect this to what happened next. Ereshkigal slit Kraeshandis throat and mounted her on a multicolored cross that hung above the throne in this, otherwise bare and cell-like, room. I entered, and offered myself in her place. Somehow I sensed that this was the only way that she would be coming back with me. I did NEED her to come back, though. While the Goddess gloated over me on the cross, I decapitated her with the force of the goat. What followed was a wedding ceremony that would have made the Marquis De Sade come in his pants. Ill spare my readers the necrophilic details, but the forces of the plane came together to offer me the crown of Nergal, which I accepted. The waters of life fell about the place like rain, and I was redeemed. Or, if you prefer, I was revenged. Some time was spent in rapture as I felt the force of identification with a God that I didnt really know that much about. It was an interesting experience revealing diverse things about the shells of the dead that in no way relate to this particular story. And Kraeshandi? When we returned to the tower she wore the horns of Istars power, and I with her. In defiance of all sanity and reason I participated in congress with this spirit, and in time, a child was born of that union. We can debate the safety and/or sanity of this method, but the astral childs first word was GVLGNA, which numerates to 93 in Hebrew, and 157 (the number of the temple that he was conceived in described in part II) in Greek. That cleared up my doubts. Mr. Church had told me the child will be born in jade, (this came about in the black box working which is not described in detail in this record) and I knew that Lilith would be crucial to making this manifestation complete. Before I could do that, however, I needed to do a lot of yoga and exercise my creative principle to the point at which it would be controlled enough to avoid a deformity or abortion. This was the primary motivation behind the Baphomet work that I started late that October. And so let me proclaim glory to the Goddess! And glory, and glory, and glory! Let her lay with her lover, lest the fire of creation die out in the heart of every man, lest the bull mount not the cow and the ass mount not the jenny, lest the dead rise up and outnumber the living! But let her be naked and slain! Let her rise and rejoice! For such are the rites of the mistress of the earth. Yea, such is the right of the mistress of the earth.

The Edicts of Amoun Ra 2007-10-03 18:56:00

I had taken to reading from Liber Aleph before rising from bed in the morning, which was the trigger. I was pretty high from Istar, and feeling my exalted state. It started on the morning of June 1. I read cap. LXXII of Liber Aleph, regarding the word of Tahuti. It struck me as odd that I couldnt remember having read it before. I had owned the book for several years, but I never really sat down and read all the way through it. I occasionally grabbed it and opened it to a random section, or if I was meditating on a psalm from Liber CCCXXXIII I would cross-reference it with the chapter in Aleph, or if a number came to my attention for some reason and I needed further insight I would consult the appropriate page. Somehow this had escaped me: Tahuti, or Thot, confirmed the Word of Dionysus by continuing it; for he showed how by the Mind it was possible to direct the Operations of the Will. By Criticism and by recorded Memory Man avoideth Error. But the true Word of Tahuti was AMOUN, whereby He made Men to understand their secret Nature, that is, their Unity with their true Selves, or, as they then phrased it, with God. And He discovered unto them the Way of this Attainment, and its Relation with the Formula of INRI. Also by His Mystery of Number He made plain the Path for His Successor to declare the Nature of the whole Universe in its Form and in its Structure, as it were an Analysis thereof, doing for Matter what the Buddha was decreed to do for Mind. Odd. I thought. Who the hell is Amoun, anyway? I knew the name, but how was this deity distinct from Ra? I noticed that the addition of a U to the regular spelling made it a five letter word, proceeding from the breathe of life in Aleph to the decay of death in Nun. The whole sacrifice (mem) inversion (Aain) Papacy (Vau) triad in the middle intrigued me, particularly when considering the attribution of the God to Jupiter. I had recently reread the Paris Working after a discussion that had taken place the previous evening with some friends interested in homosexual magick, so the central Aain attracted my attention. The decision was quickly made to investigate. I was literally laying half asleep in bed at the time, so I banished, had a quick shower, and began. The ceremony, whose formula would be modified and perfected over time, started with a reading of the hymns from the Paris Working and the greater invoking ritual of the pentagram. At each quarter I cried ATOH AMOUN-RA, who art... and followed with an improvised paen based on what

little I knew, partly paraphrased (in English) from the. Then, I performed the ritual of the hexagram, (using Jupiter) declaring Amoun Ra to be seated and enthroned at each quarter, and making obeisance to my crude visualization of the God. For a few more days, this continued to be my practice. My improvised paens became more lyrical. I had learned the power of this kind of spontaneous poetry IF IT IS DONE WELL. The whole ceremony cant be like this, but the Istar working had taught me it could be useful to include a spontaneous element in every serious working. By the fourth day, my visualization of the God became significantly clearer. Instead of the Jupiter glyph, I began drawing a spiral horn in the center of the hexagram. I should note that, in addition to the usual pranayama and asana (after the first day I used pranayama as a preliminary to invocation) I had begun to work with the image of Levis Sabbatic goat in an attempt to improve my practice of Dharana (which would later culminate in the Baphomet workings). I believe that this was why Amoun-Ra began to appear in greater detail. Throughout this period I occasionally employed a stimulating Jupitarian drug when reciting paens, and ether when looking for a vision of the God. The former substance was not one that I used very often, for numerous reasons. I am conscious of the health risks involved, so I tend to tread lightly when employing this device. As such, it has never presented the problem for me that it does for most people. Ether, however, was something that I did not have the same respect for. The comparison was incredible. I could see a fantastic vision of the God under normal circumstances, but with a long sniff of ether, it exploded into the equivalent of a Renaissance painting, all gold and violet, stretching into infinity. I started to use this drug for my astral work more and more. I would come to regret that decision. On June 6, I elaborated the rites. The Aleph segment involved the pentagram ritual and pranayama, the Mem segment came with readings from Liber Aleph and a meditation in the position of the Hanged Man. The Aain segment included an invocation to Kundalini from Liber LXV with the eye of Horus fixed upon my devotional lingam. For the Vau segment I rose as Amoun Ra, making the invoking jupitarian hexagram and visualizing myself on his throne, which I had astrally perceived during the Aleph segment. The Nun segment involved sacrifice and a Mass in honor of the God. This marked the first occasion that, at the command of the God, I actually consumed the lifeblood. The idea had seemed absolutely disgusting to me before. I could never bring myself to do it. In a flash, without any intent on my part, that barrier was broken, and has never troubled me since. During that invocation, I got a distinct sense of what do you want from me? I made an oath unto the God, and he was pleased. The substance of the oath is a private matter, but I had no interest of my own in this regard. I sensed what he wanted, made a guess, and guessed correctly. The daily

work with the God continued. I also restricted myself in my other work to Jupitarian demons, and traveling to astral realms associated with or ruled by Jupiter. On June 12, I woke up shaking my head back and forth, startled. I felt weight, not uncomfortable but alarming, on either side of my head. I felt around and looked in the mirror, but nothing was there. Slowly it dawned on me that I was feeling the weight of the Gods horns. This sensation lasted until the end of July. I got used to it, as much as one can get used to this kind of thing, but it excited me a great deal. I had the feeling that I was on to something. On June 13, I was jolted out of bed by a voice declaring Here follows the edict of Amoun-Ra! And so shall there be four, and one to bind them in love. The First Edict of Amoun-Ra on The Conduct of Amon-Ra Go ever stronger and faster! go ever higher and harder! let not the heights dissuade thee, let not the depths compel thee to turn back! plunge after what draws thee and evoke its equilibrating force- but hark! Such an invocation leaves room for a second equilibration if thou hast wit to make it. Let the backlash overwhelm thee completely, and then in the calm confusion shalt thou draw all up with thine own egg of light, and so shalt thou command the tides of destiny, even as the sun of the moon. Amoun-Ra made further clarificationLet the key to this, the first edict of Amoun, be known. It comes in two words. SASh KORDASh Reckon it in Greek and in Hebrew. The Greek shall shew the formula to apply, the Hebrew shall unlock the words I have given thee in guidance. The first few lines are a fairly obvious description of the necessary attitude toward aspiration. Plunge after what draws thee and evoke its equilibrating force is interesting. Plunge is derived from a French word meaning to thrust downward. I suspect that this is partly an indication of my inclinations to the diabolical, and partly a piece of advice for obtaining desire. It is easier to go from Chesed to Netzach, for example, than from Yesod to Netzach. A King approaches his desires from above, not from below, in supplication. To invoke the equilibrating force seems necessary if one wishes to avoid being unbalanced by desire. It is a cautionary measure. If you dont equilibrate your desires, the universe will do that for you, and you will find what youve worked for has been shattered. It is best, when seeking a depraved goal, to set a space in your life aside for austerity, lest austerity be thrust upon you. Of course, it works both ways. When one has taken an oath to achieve the equilibration of ones Being, all work and no play not only makes Jack a dull boy, but it tends to destroy what he has worked for,

because it is upsetting this balance. I could see the parallel to my own position right away. I was involved in lofty invocations for hours a day, and I also washed dishes for hours a day. I had been very distant from the Rogue, and from that part of my life, rejecting the reality of it. After hearing this edict, I was distant no longer. I threw myself into my work with gusto. In addition, I adopted a few incredibly un-Kingly habits. I began to eat from the garbage, smoke cigarette butts off the ground, and generally behave like a hobo. This was what created room for the second equilibration described by the God. This is what allows us to command the tides of destiny because, by redressing the imbalance created by strong invocation of our own accord, WE decide how the equilibration takes place. If you simply throw yourself in one direction, causality WILL provide the equilibration. And you might not like the way that it manifests itself. As for the keywords, I wish I knew Greek Kabala better. The Hebrew is quite clear, and quite profound as a comment on the nature of the God. Both are signs of divine power in manifestation. It seems unnecessary to comment on them further, if only because I tend to believe that they are intended for me in particular As the invocations continued, I became more involved with the place that I worked. I started to appreciate the people, the food, and the free beer. My job was easy and enjoyable, and I could take long breaks to do as I pleased. I wasnt making much money then, but I also ate there most of the time, so I was better fed than when I had been doing my own shopping. I had no idea Id be sticking around, but there was a lot to like about the place. When I started I saw the Rogue as a purgatory. As if it was punishment for putting my trust in Sasha. Slowly, I started to see it as a Kingdom. From a sober, rational perspective, my life had become absurd. While performing the Istar working I adopted numerous codes of conduct and habits of thinking which were suited to the invocation of that Goddess. Chaos notwithstanding, my devotions to Istar were loving, but austere. Rapturous but dignified. These basic elements of Bhakti, the sense of reverence and dedication to the beauty of the God, were totally reversed during the Amoun-Ra work. Rather than adopting a code of conduct suitable to the invocation of the God, I adopted one that actively profaned his office. I believe that this would not have been an effective method if it had not been the second equilibration mentioned in the first edict of Amoun-Ra. In other words, it was necessary to perform the first working with Istar more or less according to the rules, and achieve a measure of success in it, before such blasphemy could have real impact on the astral light and create the changes that I wanted to create. It is important to emphasize that my material conditions had begun to improve at an exponential rate since the fire. I had some money, a spacious apartment, few expenses, and free time and privacy to do my work. My general conduct in terms of my attitude toward mundane life, which reflected

an abject lack of concern for material conditions, had not, however, changed. This shift in my approach to life occurred after the fire. It is difficult to ascertain how much of this shift came about as a result of losing my home in half an hour, or how much of it came about as a result of an astral journey to Bar Shacath and a confrontation with my enemy on that plane, the zodiacal window for which opened immediately after the fire. Obviously they were both causal factors. They were one substance manifesting under different conditions in life and consciousness. Looking back on it, I was incredibly productive. For the next ten days after receiving the first edict, I continued to invoke the God with fervor, and increasingly elaborate inspired poetry. I also began to see how this energy in my life affected the people around me. Although I was technically the lowest ranking member of the kitchen, my general attitude had caught on. It was impossible for me to contain the good spirit and optimism that came with these invocations. For people who had no knowledge of my background, and knew me only as hobo dishwasher, my comportment was difficult to fathom. I found myself bringing peoples attention to the little things worth appreciating, and into the poetic tragedy of a bad situation when one arose. This type of leadership is worthy of a post in itself, but for the time being I can say that it is described clearly in the Tao Te Ching. By placing myself at the center of things in the kitchen, I saw to it that slight pressure and slight motion on my part could cause change all throughout the system. Before long I began to be able to see the effect of a single remark, by me or by somebody else putting themselves at the center, and watch it travel throughout the staff, subtly changing the agreed-upon reality. I consider this awareness to be the beginnings of the fulfillment of the statement in the first edict that I would learn to command the tides of destiny. I had started to develop an actual sense for the perpetual libidinous hierarchy that exists between people. At the most heightened period of rapture with the God, I could see it as clearly as I could see the color of their hair. Although that level of perception didnt last long, the awareness, and the knowledge of how to look for these things, remained. This was the beginning of the truly kingly aspect of the Amoun-Ra work, which is what sticks with me the most now. In retrospect, I should have been keeping a clear record of my progress in influence, but at the time I still considered my job mostly irrelevant to my quest for Lordship. Now, I see that it is the perfect training ground for the use of authority. The hierarchy where I worked did not operate like a normal kitchen. Peoples authority was selfactualized. It existed because it was claimed. It doesnt matter how long youve been there or what experience you have, so long as you dont fuck up too much, (and dont deny responsibility for your mistakes) act like you know whats going on, and start telling people what to do, you will find yourself in charge.

On June 23, I woke up to the booming voice again, and received the second edict of Amoun-Ra.

The Second Edict of Amoun-Ra The Worship of Amoun-Ra Harken unto this, but for its opacity - to which let your ears be closed, for there is worship and whoreship. Let not one be confused with the other, lest it be in the name of that holy Goddess of the Eastern House. The worship of Amoun-Ra is truly in the ruling. Let it not be forgotten that I am a God of Kings and Priests, High Priests and Hierophants, Popes, Princes and Potentates all owe whatever might they have to me, for I am the vehicle of the unspeakable one, the occlusion of whom and the revelation of which are, measure for measure, the girders upon which power is built. Build ye a tower in my name and it shall be my house of worship. Let the rites ever be in the commands of transmission. Let the body ever be prepared to be delivered unto me, for thereafter shalt thou GO without fear of restriction of any kind. Yea - but first thou must learn to bind aright, and so shall that teach thee to be a true liberator and a King among Kings. Amoun-Ra explains that the way to worship him is to manifest authority and create solid structures in the world. It is interesting that he emphasizes his connection with Baphomet here. He also gives an interesting clue as to how to build this kind of authority. It is in the occlusion and revelation of Baphomet, the creative principle that makes power what it is. Freud noted that the sexual connotations of power are very much occluded from the average persons awareness of hierarchy, and we have seen egalitarianism rise alongside a certain kind of casual sexuality which removes it from the realm of the sacred (and therefore scary and intense) and attempts to reduce it to another mundane pastime in a culture that does little but produce mundane ways to pass the time. Violence must be couched in terms of self-defense or humanitarian intervention much in the same way that sex had to be couched in the moralism of the Old Aeon. For people living in the richest and most powerful nation in the world, buying into a humanitarian point of view toward violence requires a level of myopia which takes a great deal of effort to sustain. In both cases, we see that power, like love, requires an obstruction of some kind, or blindness. Both power and love are contingent on separation, or difference. The worship of Amoun-Ra could be summed up, from my findings, as learning to bind aright. The next communication would explain why. At this point, the invocations were no longer quite so varied. I had settled into a pretty regular routine. In John St John, Crowley talks about how, over a long operation, it takes some time to discover precisely how it is to be performed. This, you will readily perceive, is all wrong. Theoretically, everything

should be ready by the beginning of the Operation; and one should simply do it and be done with it. But this is a very shallow view. One never knows what may be required; "i.e.", a beginner like myself doesn't. Further, one cannot write an effective Ritual until one is already in a fairly exalted state ... and so on. On June 24 I wrote an analysis of the name Amoun, which was used throughout my daily work that I tried to employ four times during each formal ceremony. The result was a heightened sense of austerity, even as I continued to live the degenerate lifestyle previously described. In retrospect, maybe I should have been a lot more worried than I was. I was fully aware of reality, and I was aware of what I looked like, but I *felt* like a king. As far as I was concerned, I had almost everything that I needed. The next edict came on July first, Canada Day. It did not arrive like the other two, by waking me up with a booming voice. This time, at the end of my regular invocations, a gentle whisper began to speak, and I started to write. The Third Edict of Amoun-Ra The Love of Amoun-Ra I am Amoun-Ra, and my love is a perfect prayer. The love of Amoun-Ra is the love of the king. A dangerous tool, a weapon - that can be wielded aright only by one whose Kingdom is in equilibrium. I tell thee this: that the words given thus far are the whole of the key of this power. The beloved defines the love of Amoun-Ra. The ways of love become the ways of the lover. The king is all powerful, but ever a slave to the kingdom. Take heed! Mine is a dire warning! Do not presume that the King and the Throne do decide! They do ENACT, as thou shalt. This transmission is obviously less technical than the previous two. By asserting that the words given are the whole of the key to this power, Amoun is basically establishing what the opposite-invocation described in the edict of conduct was used to do. The edict of worship explains the relation between the God and the priest, and this edict, the edict of love, explains the unity of the desiring one and the desired. These instructions, then, when examined in combination explain the means by which one ascends from Netzach to Chesed through lordship. The idea expressed at the end, the king is a slave to the kingdom, is the key to this, I think. The royal and lofty one doesnt decide what his Will is, they simply implement it with all of the power they have using whatever tools are at their disposal. Ones existential circumstances (i.e. Malkuth) are what limit the ability of one who knows ones Will to manifest it and create in its image. The king is bound to manifest his Will according to the conditions of the kingdom. The edict of love may seem lite compared to the first two, but in reality it resolves them into a comprehensible system for creating, as well as undoing creation (i.e. transcending division). I was still in rapture to the God, and the visions of him had gone beyond clear and glorious to a state of pure physiological bliss. I still felt his

horns on my head, and I still managed to completely lose myself in his image. At the same time, my existential circumstances were changing. I found a suitable roommate and began making preparations to move. As luck would have it, by the end of July I had somehow been given a free month at my new apartment, which would allow me a month of temple-space before I needed someone to move in to help with rent. I had already begun planning a grand evocation of the God. We therefore train our adepts to make the Gold Philosophical from the dung of witches, and the Elixir of Life from Hippomanes; but we do not advocate ostentatious addiction to these operations. It is good to know that one is man enough to spend a month or so at a height of twenty thousand feet or more above the sea-level; but it would be unpardonably foolish to live there permanently. -Aleister Crowley, Comment on AL II:70 The next week was spent in fervent prayer. I flung myself headlong into the Goetia, with quite spectacular results. Detailing these would be counterproductive for a whole host of reasons, but coming into close proximity with a regal, lordly entity such as Amoun-Ra seemed to give me a great deal more authority over the infernal spirits. In the standard operation, the Goetic practitioner relies on the authority of God in his various Hebrew and Christian conceptions to command the spirits. Crowley provides us with the invocation of the Bornless One, which should really be a standard device that works for everybody, given the object and essence of the ritual, but Ive found that simply employing this across the board is a tad impersonal. Certain spirits have sympathies and interests that the invocation of particular Gods (or merely the assumption of their Godform while performing the Bornless invocation and the conjuration) can stimulate. Sure, you can get them to show up and follow instructions, but to ensure an enthusiastic response, its always good to get a little more intimate. AmounRa naturally commanded the attention of solar and jupitarian entities, so that in a very short time I accomplished a great deal. In a weeks time, I was treated to some of the crappiest poetry I had ever seen, in the guise of The Glory of Amoun-Ra. Im still fairly leery of this transmission. This was around when things started to deteriorate in the working. I set about trying to manifest the God, but had no idea then (nor do I now) how to figure out the right order of these edicts, or how such a thing would be practically implemented. As a result, I worked steadily through August and September refining a grand invocation of Amoun-Ra, which seemed to have little or no effect. I was unable to find a suitable material basis for the manifestation of the God, and tried to channel it through myself,

for lack of a better idea. Although I consider this working incomplete, it was not the last time I would attempt to do this. The Fourth Edict of Amoun-Ra The Glory of Amoun-Ra twice the life but half the hell to the aeons there to dwell in the perfect passage saw the gaze of light the serpents jaws in silent splendor all adoring to sacred given gone a-whoreing so to seek the secret way of Amoun-Ra So, am I trying to say that the working was a failure? Far from it. Learning the secret of withholding, and overcoming my basic distaste for the idea of consuming my own substance were major breakthroughs in my own magical practice and my understanding of sexmagick. Both of these came about as a direct result of this working. Because of these revelations alone, my efforts can be thought of as well rewarded. These discoveries allowed me to begin to practically implement sex magick in a way heretofore inconceivable to me. The techniques I discovered here were not unheard of to me, but it is one thing to be told how a thing is done, and quite another to know how to do it. The magical cues in the first three Edicts would also do a great deal to improve future workings. I should note that the skills, both magical and mundane, that I learned during this period continue to be invaluable to this day. This working had tremendous long-term impact. Being plunged into an environment with excons and actual, medically verifiable psychopaths such as drifted in and out of that place taught me how to be assertive and confrontational on a whole different level. This was not a skill that I possessed before I became successful at this job. Im more subtle with those skills in my life now, the circumstances being far less extreme, but the general principles of libidinous interaction still apply.

Baphomet 2007-05-31 23:07:00

Yes, in our profound conviction, the Grand Masters of the Order of Templars worshipped the Baphomet, and caused it to be worshipped by their initiates; yes, there existed in the past, and there may be still in the present, assemblies which are presided over by this figure, seated on a throne and having a flaming torch between the horns. But the adorers of this sign do not consider, as do we, that it is a representation of the devil; on the contrary, for them it is that of the god Pan, the god of our modern schools of philosophy, the god of the Alexandrian theurgic school and of our own mystical Neoplatonists, the god of Lamartine and Victor Cousin, the god of Spinoza and Plato, the god of the primitive Gnostic schools; the Christ also of the dissident priesthood. -Eliphas Levi This ritual was one of the most simple that I had done at that point. I believe that, as I had started practicing yoga more and more frequently, I had begun to acquire the knack of spontaneous concentration. Previous to this, lengthy ceremonies had been absolutely necessary, simply to shake my mundane consciousness and put me in a more receptive frame of mind. I got the idea to time it with my own cycle of rest and awakening from John Dees Oration for wisdom, which is organized along similar lines, and which I had used effectively many times to get answers to questions. In preparation for this operation, I created a devotional image of Baphomet in his numerous aspects and put together a small shrine. A copy of the Enochian air of air tablet was set on the wall above the image. I chose that quarter because my work with the native cherub had lead to my first experiments with Raja yoga, and because of a gift and a word which were given to me by that entity, whose numbers were respectively 370 and 77. I took this as an indication the two were connected. I had three basic objectives, two of which I will describe here. The first was to fully establish myself on the plane of Hod, to look up to Tipereth from there and experience the nature of the path of Aain. The second was to harness and develop my own creative principle, identifying any possible obstacles to its realization or weaknesses to be strengthened. The operation lasted 77 days, and coincided with my preparations to properly consecrate a magical cup, which is made brief reference to here as some instruction came from Baphomet.

Ive been using invocations of Babalon as a preliminary to this practice. These have been pretty simple, just enthused visualizations using the Lust card from the Thoth deck as a focus, including recitations from Liber 156, (usually began with verses 7-11 and ended with verses 17-22, sometimes the whole thing, sometimes just some spontaneous stuff) or fragments of the Parsons "Birth of Babalon" invocation. The idea to do this came from my interpretation of the first edict of Amoun Ra. I've been using a more formal method building up to the actual invocations. I created a devotionary image using Eliphas Levi's Sabbatic Goat from Transcendental Magic, which I pasted to black cardboard and surrounded with photographs of the Beast, the Stele of Revealing and some passages from Revelations, so that if my eye did chance to wander it would stick to appropriate material. This image has been placed among electric tealights on a little shelf close to the floor in the back of my closet. This puts it out of the way, but still allows space for a little altar set up, which feels closed off from the rest of the room. Method: (after Babalon inv.) (begin by ringing bell) -Recite Rev 17:1-6 -focus on the image of Baphomet. The "trick" that I use to do this with total immersion basically mimics the "trick" which got me past steps 1-5 of MMM from Liber HHH. There is a drug, which is applicable to both mercury and Venus that I usually use here, which has the added bonus of filling the closet with smoke. -hold focus until there are three breaks in concentration -recite Liber CCCLXX, and "uplift thine head" -invoke Baphomet, In Manu Regis, using the devotional image as a focus. Live long. Desire death much, but do not die. "Let the Backlash overwhelm" yourself completely, and collapse -to show the enthusiasm to be genuine, make a dedication of the self and a spoken invocation. -ring the bell to conclude the ceremony. -Babalon is again invoked and the child conceived in Baphomet is slain, it's blood to the vessel of Babalon. At the beginning I observed the planetary hours, but found that invoking by the greater pentagram and hexagram limits the energy involved somewhat. Baphomet and Babalon transcend simple planetary categories, although Baphomet is mercurial in nature, and I believe that translating that energy through the pentagram and hexagram limits it to the spheres of Hod and Netzach (or Binah, if that's how you roll). I have found that the best results are obtained by using Reguli and the Bornless ritual as preliminary invocations. By "best results" I mean that mercurial phenomenon, both with respect to my intended object and everywhere else occurs frequently, and unmistakably. These manifestations were sporadic, unimpressive and frankly

mostly imagined after using planetary invocations for the preliminary work. A far cry from the results using the Bornless invocation. Eschewing the planetary hours, I employed the ritual immediately upon rising and immediately before bed. This is basically the journal of notable events from that period of time extrapolated from my magical diaries, and should be treated as such. Sept. 29Initial Method: 1. a full recitation of Liber CCCLXX 2. the invocation of the Bornless One 3. cap. XVII of Revelations 4. portions (as in spare) of Liber CLVI. After these were done, I simply sat still, used the fourfold breath, tried to eliminate everything from my mind but the image itself, and to eliminate any sense of difference or distinction between the image and I. I worked up my physiological enthusiasm during 370, and toward the end of the meditation itself. Death was longed for, but ever denied until at least a few hours after the ceremony. I tried not to banish right before the ritual, but instead to banish and take some time to establish a feeling of holiness, and to celebrate in the creative force by writing, physical excessive, and/or sexual fantasy or operation, before I began. The ritual was done before sleep, and upon awakening, according to John Dees. I tried to smoke something while I was focusing on the image, finding this familiar action helpful. The ashes would mark the action. I blew old ashes to the back of the compartment before I began, and allowed them to collect over the seventy-seven days. Each meditation had a very clear ending. I had a little silver bell that I rang when I began, and I would know that it was over when I heard the bell again. I would usually ring it more or less without thinking. It became a completely automatic action that happened when I was done. There were times I had difficulty establishing contact, and found myself turned away, instructed to try again later. In most cases, this was because of background noise. There were a number of occasions, while I was attempting this practice, that my wireless speakers sprang to life and began spitting static, which lead me to begin to wonder if I would develop mysterious powers over wireless electronics, and generally distracting me from what I was trying to do. It seems more likely that my neighbors were getting a phone call. Oct. 2, 2006 I begin having regular blackouts. My tolerance for alcohol basically disappeared, but these particular blackouts dont have the same quality as the too-much-to-drink blackout. They have distinct endings and beginnings. Last night I was unaware that a blackout occurred, because I remembered the beginning and the end of my night. It wasnt until people approached me

the next day that I discovered that I had lost about an hour between 2 am and 3 am, during which I made, according to my cell phone records, a number of calls. I do not recognize several of the numbers. Very strange. One way or another, no cocaine until this is over with. The mercury/Jupiter thing doesnt work for me. Still, cocaine doesnt usually cause blackout, particularly in the relatively small amounts I was doing it. Mercurial phenomena have also been commonplace. Ive crashed my bike a few times, my cell phone will not behave in any reasonable way (including not ringing when people are calling me, and not informing me that people left me voicemail for hours or days), and little things keep going missing. Oct. 5 My bike was stolen. I had been using it as a focus for mercury-energy, for the speed aspect. Mercury, however, is also the God of thieves... Oct. 7 My bike was recovered, by sheer chance, as I saw someone riding it and took it back. I was especially lucky, because I was about to head downtown when Drusilla [one of my pet rats] ran under the stove, and it took half an hour to retrieve her. This delayed me just long enough to find my bike. I stepped out of the door, started walking down the street, and some kid just pulled up in front of me on the bike, then stopped, five feet away, and started staring off into space. He put up no resistance. I probably seemed threatening. Oct. 14 I start to forgo the full ritual, except for Baph meditations and the readings. The Bornless invocation, when done over and over, if great when the point is to reach ones HGA, but when used as a preliminary to anything else it loses its effect after a while. My sensitivity to everything, emotionally and physiologically, has significantly increased. This happened after the Enochian Cherubic operations I did in 2003-2004, the last time that I attempted serious Baphomet work. I ended up having to abandon the project because of this sensitivity to alcohol and depression, so I must adapt to these circumstances. Having gone through it before does, however, make the symptoms easier to recognize. I want to be spiritually intoxicated, but theres such thing as too much. I had another weird blackout, and made some more phone calls to friends, and some to numbers that, again, I dont recognize. One of them was also dialed the last time this happened. Around this time of year in 03, my general reaction to the state brought on by intense Baphomet work was to drown my sorrows in rum and watching cartoons all day, Ive managed to cut down and keep my problems to myself so far, but I have to be VERY CAREFUL with social drinking. Two beers are enough to make me incoherent. Just a month ago, I could easily put back ten without noticeable effect on my mental and physical faculties. Habit is the hardest thing to adjust to this shift in sensitivity.

This being my birthday, people wanted to buy me drinks so I had to be exceptionally careful. Oct. 15 I start to incorporate techniques from Liber Spiritus during the mediation, according to Baphomets instructions. I began mentally affirming on inhale Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law and affirming Love is the law, Lover under Will on the exhale sometime in late October. But when? The exact date does not appear in my notes. It wasnt an idea I had, I began doing it without much conscious thought. Baphomet seems to want me to measure my breath carefully and really push to totally empty my lungs on the exhale and totally fill them on the inhale. Ive had to quit smoking cigarettes. [which lasted, as usual, throughout the winter.] Oct. 18 I had a nervous breakdown tonight. Ive been vacillating between irrational confidence and crushing depression for a while now. Have to get those emotions under control. I know from experience that this crazy Jekyll/ Hyde shit will end when the work is done, and that knowledge makes it easier to avoid getting caught up in my emotions. All the same, Ive been lashing out at some people for no reason at all. I realized that my anger is unjustified while its happening, but I cant stop myself. They all just assume that Im incredibly drunk or messed up on drugs that Ive been doing in secret. Neither of those has been the case, however. I can never remember how these arguments start, I just find myself in them and wonder what the hell Im so pissed off about. I can never remember. The mental block is just long enough for the aggression to begin, and my defense mechanisms to be triggered. After that, the fight takes care of itself. The hardest thing about all of this is that it doesnt feel like Im doing it. I feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me. I suddenly flip out at them, then suddenly become conciliatory and ask them what I was angry about, usually also the question that was on their minds... Ive been generating a lot of negative energy in general. Some guy in town who Ive never met before has started sending me badly spelt death threats via myspace, which is the most intense manifestation of this random hostility from total strangers. Its been happening a lot though. Everywhere I go, guys want to start fights with me all of a sudden. Not the people who have to deal with me, that would be reasonable, but total strangers who have not witnessed any of my obnoxious behavior. Oct. 22 I was instructed to banish by pentagram before sleep and invoke by pentagram upon awakening. These, I was told, were the only rituals that I should try to do for the rest of the operation. I also learn today that the girl Ive been dating for the last few weeks,

who I havent called in a while, has been telling people that I hexed her. Im pretty sure that shes not connected to death-threat-guy though. I think that hes dating a girl I used to work with, who had a pretty big crush on me, which may explain that situation. None of this would bother me if it werent for the fact that this chick and I have a lot of mutual friends, some of whom just took it for granted that she somehow pissed me off and I actually did this thing. Oct. 23 Still having blackouts. I seem to remember things from one blackout period to the next that I do not remember when I return to normal consciousness. Ive talked to a few people during those times, and they say that I referred to things that I had said during the other blackouts. What the hell is that? I cant remember these periods of time, but during these periods of time I remember the other periods of time that I cant remember. What the fuck? Oct. 25 Baphomet instructed me to reformulate the sacrifice to the shadow according to Liber CLVI. I entered the devotional image astrally and saw a flaming swastika. Im not sure what prompted me to do this, as it didnt happened before or since. After the meditation, an image, recorded at the end of this notebook, was superimposed over my own face in the mirror. It lingered just long enough for me to draw it, and then it disappeared. It looks a bit like a staircase, with the lines around my eyes being similar to my devotional image of Mentu, although flattened onto a two-dimensional plane. The image of the swastika as flame that destroys, making room to create, is appropriate, but hardly enlightening. The image in the mirror, though? What am I even supposed to DO with that? Immediately after this, I devised a cipher for the Hebrew alphabet. Simple enough, but simply reordering the order of the letters by the value of the spelling of each letters name, placing that order side by side with the original order, and using letters from the name order column in place of the original order column. Ive placed that cipher, for the sake of interest, at the end of this document. Oct. 27 I have another, severe, blackout. The police are involved. I will still go to my friends Halloween party, but I have to accept that it no longer seems to have anything to do with the amount of alcohol I consume. I am ridiculously sensitive to all stimuli. Oct. 29 Baph. tells me that fear of success is more powerful than fear of failure. He indicates that this is true for the same reason that the Mentis Videlicet ritual was hard to perform. I asked some random stranger on a date the other day, because I keep seeing her downtown, writing in little leather notebooks, and being all hot librarian. Although he referred to the magical

ceremony, I got the impression that this event was actually what he was talking about. Nov. 12 I find myself on the receiving end of an astral attack as I am going to sleep. I am reminded that I will face him on every plane. Although it was obviously a fight, its happened so many times now that it feels more like meeting an old friend. I am also reminded to banish before I sleep, something that I had forgotten on this particular night until the sudden encounter reminded me. I recognize the entity as Samael. Nov. 13 Templi Omni Homo Paci Abbas! Levi calls Baphomet the God of Spinoza and Plato. I begin to read Spinozas ethics and write a piece on Baphomet (NGBMV) and the creative aspect. I begin to forgo the recitations of the Holy Books as well. I have been reciting them too much and, by saying the words over and over, they have started to lose meaning. Instead I try to focus on the messages of Liber CCCLXX & CLVI during my preparation time. I still recite the passage from Revelations, but the formal element of the ritual seems to be getting in the way of making a deeper connection to Baphomet. I have some reservations about this, because Im worried that this is the Apophis stage of the ceremony, but Baphomet seems to indicate that it is the correct way to proceed. I am learning it in my heart, apparently. It is no longer necessary anyway, to prepare myself to drop into union with the image. Its easy and instantaneous, with a feeling similar to that which one gets sliding into an old, trusty pair of sneakers. Nov. 15 Baph gives instructions for the consecration of the cup, which is to be carried out on Nov 20, 22 and 24. I have obtained a cup prepared for a wedding. Literally, actually, thats the only thing its been used for so far. I managed to get my hands on it through subterfuge. Nov. 19 Baph gives these long-term instructions: the works No God but Man, and The Invisible War must be properly constructed as deliberate treatises. This, along with my three novels, is my work, and after they are complete I am free to die, if I wish. This will extend until I receive my mandate from the HGA, unless I die before that happens. I get the impression that it would be difficult to die before this work is done, but that might be a deceptive egothing. He tells me not to worry about publication, who will see them, or what will become of them, but simply to complete them. Nov. 25 Baph reminds me that every time I have someone beneficial and important to me comes into my life, their arrival, and my love for them is

preceded by strange and violent drama. This is consistent with every important sexual relationship that I have had. This negative draining is, he informs me, my subconscious way of magically attracting a mate. Embrace the collapse and the result will be more rewarding. Note that this working directly preceded my relationship with Ivy, which, although brief, opened me up to a lot of new things. In most of my relationships, I am the wild one, but I simply could not compete with her. She gave me a whole new perspective and challenged me in some important ways. It couldnt last (dear God, I dont need to be encouraged) but it definitely changed me for the better. Although she was disinterested in ceremonial magick, I found that workings I did which were preceded by congress with her were incredibly effective. Although I do not make an account of it here as portions of that record have been accidentally destroyed, I did a protracted working with the four Enochian kings that would have been impossible without her enthusiasm. Nov. 27 Baph instructs me to perform a necromantic operation to contact Aleister Crowley when I am free to do ritual again. As soon as I got this instruction, I asked myself why the FUCK it had not occurred to me to attempt such an operation before. It seems terribly obvious. I destroyed the record of this intentionally. This night was the first time that I felt someone looking out of the picture at me. It was absolutely terrifying. It reminded me of being a child, when I was left at home alone, suddenly becoming afraid of the dark. It was the feeling I got when I saw the wolf face superimposed over mine during the mirror-meditations in my early diabolism. A lupine visage would superimpose itself over my own while skrying with the black mirror. The face in the pictures seemed to be at once very young (like a baby) and very old. There was no discernible character to it, other than the uncomfortable sensation of being watched from a very objective, cold, perspective. Nov. 28 Baph tells me THOU SHALT HAVE WORRY AND TROUBLE. Worry from the old English, wyrgan, to strangle. Daath will be overcome. Trouble, a crowd or disturbance, implying the chaos of interacting human relationships. Something thats been going on a lot lately. Shortly before I began work on this editorial comment, and shortly after I bought a keyboard and began to play music again, I wrote a song called Worry and Trouble that I am immensely pleased with. I thought it was from Cap. III of Liber AL, but when I looked I saw that was Danger and trouble. I

was confused about why I had it like that in my head until I came across this and remembered that particular detail of this working. It was quite striking to me at the time, which is why I mention it. 561 is accepted as the number of the cup. Baph instructs me to devise a ritual of consecration. He tells me that he gave me this instruction on Nov 26, but I forgot to write it down, and I am chastised. I am told to seal the substance I have collected in the cup in wax, to bury that wax dirt, and to put a plant of any kind over it, to become a vessel for BABALON. I decided on a spider plant, because they are fucking hard to kill. And I had a spider plant in my old temple, back home, and developed a very strange attachment to it. It produced an obscene amount of offspring, who were notoriously strong. I will try to obtain one of those offspring for this project. I also realize that I am in love. This woman (not the hot librarian, somebody else) is about as normative as could be, indeed, more traditionally so than most people her age who cloak their normality in the trappings of rebellion. As such, the project is more or less doomed, and it would be unwise to advance my affections. I have dealt with this kind of situation so many times. I liken it to a homosexual engaging another person in their first homosexual relationship. There are certain clichd reactions to basic facts about the universe that inevitably affect peoples lives, and they usually react in more or less the same way. Im pretty sick of that. I want someone who already knows a bit about thats going on. To this day I have no idea why she started to hang around me, or where the hell she went when it was all said and done. I was caught up in her briefly, and then nothing. The last day of the working was the last time I saw her. Nov. 30 Baph- I am that which awakens the lust of the Beast in Babalon and in the Beast I am what stirs his heart at the beauty of Babalon. At every creative impulse, on both sides, he is there. He began to sing, Ive been everywhere with names of magicians in the place of names of cities. The tension that I usually feel accompanying such a revelation dissolved, and I started to laugh my ass off. Then I saw the face peering out at me again, and it became very, very frightening. The song kept going, but its playfulness took on a sinister quality. Kind of a pedophile clown vibe. I was paralyzed for a long time. Dec. 4 A figure approached me in a dream and interrogated me about my magical experiences, noting that the most severe and impressive ones were obvious misfires. I was too confused to argue with him. It was very cartoonish, but left me feeling profoundly ashamed until I performed the invoking ritual of the pentagram upon awakening. The figure mocked me for getting drunk, which I had not done. I havent had any blackouts since the

old shoe feeling began to take place during my Raja, and my tolerance to alcohol has returned to acceptable levels. Its not what it was before I began the ceremony, but thats probably just because of my six weeks of abstinence. This lead to a day of second-guessing myself. The fact is, however, that although Ive fucked up trying to figure out the riddle of the Assiah operation, DOING that work and GETTING the riddle was a success. Building my astral body and temples on the astral plane were successful, and most of my Goetic work has been successful. Im still kicking myself for foul-ups with the Pauline tables (I still think that there is a lot to this system, but the amount of equipment it requires makes it difficult to do. I am convinced that it could be tremendously effective if someone had the resources to devote to building a temple space around that system) and my various skirmishes with Samael, however. Its hard not to focus on those things. At some point [it was sometime this week but my notes are unclear] I developed a terrible itching rash that actually crawled around my body. I could watch it move. It was gone in a few hours, after finally settling in my feet, but it kept me awake all night. I could feel the itch coiling around my ankles. It stayed in that location, but it didnt stop MOVING. I assumed an astral form and screamed a sonic boom of fuck you unto the void. Dec. 6 Baphomet tells me that wondering how people react to my work is the same as coddling my children or my Gods. It is disrespectful to Baphomets power, the creative power. It interferes with my ability to create. (Liber CLVI:X) I must expose my children to the dogs and vultures, or the libidinous connection between my dynamic role as artist and the work of art itself creates a kind of umbilical cord that prevents it from growing up. Making work public helps to sever that umbilical cord. It puts a finished mark on something, even if I intend to re-edit it later, and helps me move on to the next step. Dec. 10 Baph commands that this report be written and the cipher recorded. The Nail is where the House should stand even as the Palm has become the Sword itself. All this, and a Universe that has become the Palm of your hand. But the Sword is not the Universe! For the line is broken in places The Water in the pond is the Fish Hook baited with lapping waves And the Fish Hook is that which keeps the dog in the yard. The Eye is the Fire and the Fire is the Universe But the Universe is not the Fire And the magician wrote the secret paths, whose keys were arrayed by the letters of their names expanded and bound

by the light whose weight was lesser by the holy way of my spelling by which the Window IS the Hand the Hand IS the Palm the Palm IS the skull Dec. 11 I perform the cup ritual. But what will the result be? Is there more I need to do? Baphomet tells me to keep the connection between the substance and myself alive by adoring it as the blood of the cup of Babalon. I visualize her dancing in the plant during my sexual enthusiasm (whether its happening in my room or not) and I swore to die only in her presence, and to always offer her the blood. [note- as of this date, no little death has occurred unless it be in her presence, with blood anointing the leaves]. Dec. 14 When the operation reached its seventy-seventh day, the image was veiled and placed in a bag with the bell. Both were cast into the St. John river five minutes after the sun entered Capricorn Dec. 21. I made sure to reveal the image to one person, so as to profane it and thus close the circle, on December 19. I wanted that person to be my brother, but he wasnt in town yet, so I chose someone with no real knowledge of magick, but a sort of morbid curiosity that seemed sparked by the situation. (This refers to the aforementioned female upon whom I was fixated) The object of the operation was initiated, although it cannot be discerned whether it will be obtained until the conditions are fulfilled. I saw what I needed to see for the time being, but until Ive performed the necromantic work and mastered the sacrifice to the shadow, its hard to say what further result will occur. I would re-visit this working several times. I have never fully pulled it off to the extent, I think, that is intended. Both of the other times I performed this, Baphomet tried to get me to write a Black Book that would be my guide across the abyss. Both of the other times the result was nonsense. I expect I am not quite advanced enough to fully manifest this yet, but I will keep trying.

Sol Invictus 2007-09-13 13:09:00

The major purpose of this temple was to consecrate and empower an object of solar devotion. I have had, for many years, an image of the sun made from black metal, hollow on the inside, which has sat as the centerpiece of my altar or hung from the ceiling in the east, flanked by a large phallus and a statue of Shiva. I had obtained a rather large chunk of quartz, which is the stone that I find holds energy in potency for the longest amount of time, which I intended to take through a series of adorations and enthrone inside the image of the sun itself, along with written declarations of my Will which described how I would apply my kingship, anointed by genius. Part I The longest phase of this ritual is the personal preparation. I wanted to ensure that, when I consecrated the temple and anointed everything in it, that I was in the highest possible spiritual state for manifesting the solar energy of my HGA. To this end, I devoted thirty-six days to preparation before the temple was constructed. For the first thirty days, I performed the invocation of the Bornless One in my astral form upon awakening every morning. This part of the operation is preliminary, and simple enough, but vital to the workings success. One must clearly understand and experience what royalty will mean to ones own nature and circumstances. This is why the invocation is performed in the morning, so that one fixes the idea of identification with the Bornless One in ones mind and holds it there (with no small effort) throughout ones everyday life. The practices described in Crowleys John St. John, such as the consecration of food and drink to ones purpose, and the understanding of each act as a sacrament in ones holy aspiration arose rather spontaneously in my case, although it was some time before I made the connection to what I was doing and the description of Crowleys mundane-magical retirement described in that document. No banishing, other manner of invocations, or devotion to any object other than the Bornless One is allowed during this time. Pranayama was practiced regularly throughout this time as well, for at least half an hour a day, preferably following the morning invocation. Study of Liber LXV was consistent throughout this time. On day 30, I performed the invocation as usual, and recited cap. I of Liber LXV. Over the next twelve hours, all of the chapters of this book were read or recited at appropriate intervals between feasting, physical activity, and other merrymaking. For my case, I made vindaloo, lifted weights, and drank a moderate amount of Guinness, the beverage of choice for the guilty catholic and enraptured libertine alike. The intervals should be fairly regular,

but the important point is that cap. V must be recited exactly twelve hours after the recitation of cap. I. Part II On day thirty-one, I banished by the pentagram and hexagram using the method given in Liber CCCXXXIII. On the same day, in the hour of Sol, I banished, using the Enochian watchtower names, the element fire, the element water, the element air, and the element earth, in that order. Next, I recited the earth key and Liber LXV cap. I, invoked earth by the pentagram with the Enochian names, and recited the first and second keys. The next day, again in the hour of Sol, I banished air, water, and fire, but NOT earth. Then, the same formula: recite the air key, recite the next chapter in Liber LXV, invoke air by the pentagram, and finish with keys one and two. Doing this for all of the elements took five days. For this time, except as a preliminary to this stage of the practice of part II, I did not use any other banishing or invoking. On the fifth day, instead of banishing, I performed the greater invocation of the pentagram, read or recite keys one and two, recited Liber LXV cap. V, and finished with the invocation of the Bornless One. Part III There are, in part three, three ceremonies. One for the King in his role of Lord of the Wheel of Fortune, or Jupiter, one for the King in his role as blood of the land, or Sol, and one for the messenger of the King who enacts his Will in the kingdom, or Mercury. The appropriate planetary hours and days were observed. I drew on my altar with chalk. The sun was placed in center against the wall, set upon a brass plate on which images of the zodiac had been inscribed, to symbolize the sun ruling over the twelve fixed stars as Lord of the Universe. To the right, I drew the Mark of the Beast with the appropriate 666 design, and placed the phallus at the point at which the circles intersect. To the left, I drew a hexagram containing a pentagram, with the points of the hexagram connected by solid lines to suggest a cube, above which is written ABRAHADABRA. In the middle of the altar, before the image of the sun, is placed or drawn the appropriate planetary square from Agrippa, surrounded by the appropriate divine names in Hebrew. I began with the banishing ritual of the pentagram and hexagram, followed by the invocation of the Bornless One. I anointed the stone, the altar, the parchment, the pen, and the wand. I wrote a declaration of Will on the parchment, and placed it over the image of the pentagram within the hexagram. -Recited the first two Enochian Keys in Enochian, cap. V of Liber LXV, and the first two keys in English. -Recitation the appropriate chapter of Liber VII to the planet with which you are working. Followed this with a confession to the God. For Jupiter I selected

Amoun-Ra, Horus for Sol, and Thoth for Mercury. Spontaneous -Reading of Liber Ararita. Throughout, the stone was placed at square one of the kaema being employed for this ritual. I described the relation of this number to power, authority, and kingship. Using the wand, I moved the stone to square two, and did the same, continuing to the last square. Following this, I placed the stone upon the parchment over the pentagram within the hexagram. To seal this up in blood, as it where, the hand of the master brought that forth, and the stone and parchment are both anointed, while a portion of the substance is consumed. I placed the stone and parchment within the image of the Sun.

Part III: The Aspirant and the Angel

The Masters of the A!A! have therefore made no attempt to institute any regular ritual for this central Work of their Order, save the generalized instructions in Liber 418 (the 8th Aethyr) and the detailed Canon and Rubric of the Mass actually used with success by FRATER PERDURABO in His attainment. This has been written down by Himself in Liber Samekh. But they have published such accounts as those in The Temple of Solomon the King and in John St. John. They have taken the only proper course; to train aspirants to this attainment in the theory and practice of the whole of Magick and Mysticism, so that each man may be expert in the handling of all known weapons, and free to choose and to use those which his own experience and instinct dictate as proper when he essays the Great Experiment. - Aleister Crowley

The Angel 2008-07-30 15:45:00

I had begun to communicate with my HGA. I was hesitant, for some time, to relate the full story surrounding this event. I had been hit on the head after all, and my angel had been making some pretty bizarre-sounding claims and promises. But there was no permanent damage from the injury, and although the affects eventually went away, the angel did not. The promises, bizarre though they may be, have been manifesting themselves at a fantastic rate. I am wholly satisfied, at this point, that the experience is valid. I do not equate it with Knowledge and Conversation (you need to do the whole ritual/working for that) but as Crowley tells us, when we take a step toward the angel, the angel takes two toward his client. So how did I do this? The simple answer is with the invocation of the Bornless One. Ive performed this ritual on a regular basis since the spring of 2003. This is the complex part, because detailed analysis and comprehension of this ritual has involved practicing it numerous different ways for extended periods of time. But what about the day in question? My first thought as I disrobed, donned my street clothes, and headed out the door, was I nailed it. It was the Invocation of the Bornless One, a ritual Ive done literally thousands of times, though with imperfect concentration. Using some of the new tricks Ive been learning, this has been increasingly less of a problem. I performed the ritual flawlessly and without distraction. Ive had some pretty good recitations of that invocation over the last five years that Ive had it memorized, but this one was the smoothest in memory. There are always a couple of breaks in concentration, wandering thoughts, or missteps that cause the resurgence of consciousness. This time, there was none of that. It was seamless. But I forgot all about that for a while, because shit was about to go down. That was a Thursday night, April 17, 2008 five years after I had started working on this ritual, roughly four years after my self-initiation. When I arrived there was no evidence of tension. I sat with some friends, drank boilermakers, and chatted. I ran into an old buddy that I hadnt seen in years, and we easily fell into our old routine of conversation. One of the cooks was hitting on a waitress, and after a couple of trips to the bathroom to smoke crack, he became. Finally, she yelled shut up and stop following me around! at full volume in front of the small crowd that had gathered in front of the bar. The cook, who called himself Illest, because he claimed to be the illest motherfucker you know, was unhappy. He expressed this displeasure by going out to the smoking area and picking up another

cook, pretty much at random, throwing him on the ground, and stomping him, breaking his arm and jaw. I didnt see this take place. I was blissfully ignorant of what was going on around me. I didnt find that out until much later in the evening. My buddy and I had already headed over to a neighboring pub to continue our conversation in private. I got a phone call warning me that illest was coming, but I saw this as no cause for alarm. Ah! I thought. Ill have a chance to talk to him and find out what all that fuss was about. This will perhaps seem naive. Normally I show a great deal more caution when dealing with the violent crack head variety of subhuman, but I was high on love for my fellow man that I temporarily had allowed to overwhelm my normal common sense. As luck would have it, you see, I was in the mood for just this sort of encounter. I had been working with the angel Raphael, and for one reason or another, I was required to swear an oath of devotion. This was to do everything in my power to help those who came to me sincerely in search of guidance or healing. I was relieved by the came to me sincerely part, so I wasnt being asked to go out looking for a headache, but even so, a lot of psychos started sincerely coming to me looking for guidance after I did that. At first I was mostly just frustrated and annoyed, but as time wore on, I started to feel a little more positive about the oath. After a couple of days I was downright gracious and benevolent. Hence, I chose to ignore my usual instincts about people who are fucked up on drugs, and most damningly, to adopt a terribly casual attitude about how I would define sincere requests for help. I sat down with Illest, to talk things over. He was still pretty pissed off. My other friends were hiding from him in the back, having come into the neighboring pub through their kitchen to avoid detection. I was trying to reason with him. He insisted that he was a professionally trained fighter. I insisted that this meant he had to walk away from a fight, whether he started it or not (at the time I actually believed that the other guy started it) especially with someone so much smaller. He ignored this suggestion, and began to list off mutual acquaintances whose asses, he assured me, he could easily kick. I chuckled benignly and told him to settle down. This advice was unwelcome. He decided that he needed a closer look at this creature challenging his ability to pummel all and sundry, and we become quite intimate for a moment. This exhausted my new found benevolence. I made a well-intentioned suggestion that he should assume a passive role in homosexual intercourse, more or less to break the tension. Otherwise politely, I asked him to leave. His response was to hit me with a roundhouse punch to the temple, and I went down with him on top of me, hitting me in the face. My memory of all this is quite hazy. I was, of course, expecting him to try to hit me. Maybe there was something to his claim of being professionally trained, (I had ascribed this to his level of intoxication) because it wasnt until after three punches that I even realized I was BEING hit, in the temple no

less, and I thought, Holy shit, this motherfucker is trying to kill me. After seven, I thought, with a chuckle, I guess hes trying to live up to that nickname. Then, when I realized that I was now hitting him, there was a brief oh, never mind, Im winning! When I realized I had somehow made my way back to my feet, much to my opponent's disadvantage and subsequent injury. While this was very satisfying to me at the time, there were repercussions. For the next two days I had to work through a great deal of pain. My hand was swollen and useless as it had been fractured on his skull, and I had a concussion that made normal functioning, although necessary, almost impossible. In addition to this I was unable to masturbate for several days, and that was bothering me quite a bit. Im told that this is normal for a concussion. I had no idea. I was physiologically accustomed to about three to five orgasms a day, and several times without climax as well, but the pain in my head was too severe. After three I had a spontaneous emission, but I still couldnt... you know... TCB. By Monday I had tried three times, and each time had to stop halfway through, feeling as through I was being stabbed in the head, followed by intense nausea and vomiting. I was in rough shape. I was starting to fear that I might never have sex, or come, again. Thats a pretty intense fear in my world. I have friends who had been experienced concussions like this before, and they assured me that this was totally normal. After five days without jerking off, however, my mind was in no condition to grasp what they were trying to tell me. I focused on the worstcase scenario. It was while I was doing that, at about quarter to four in the afternoon on Monday, April 21, that I began to hear a voice. It was in my head, but definitely not me. It assured me that I would recover, and told me that it was my holy guardian angel. I was not impressed. I demanded signs, and I was given signs. They actually worked out pretty well. Naturally, I became MORE anxious. There is nothing that terrifies me more than spirits telling me things that I want to hear. That was how I was lead around by the nose for several years by Goetic intelligences before I learned to properly control them. I prefer bad news, because bad news turns out to be true a lot more often than good news. At least, if it turns out to be a lie one is relieved rather than disappointed. The fact that I now had a voice in my head (who really hates being referred to in this manner) that was trying to be reassuring, telling me that I would recover made me feel certain that I was done for. The mind reels. The angel got to the point of telling me when the phone was about to ring, calling out the license plates of cars slightly before they drove by, and so on. Sometimes it would take out its frustrations with me by singing long and ridiculous songs about fish, the angels favorite food. Eventually he became exasperated and asked me, What will it take for you to believe me. I

thought about it and said, Give me a thousand dollars. He said, Give me two weeks. Ten days later, I got a cheque in the mail. It seemed that back in 2005, when I worked for the university, they had accidentally underpaid me. With interest, they had determined that they owed me about nine hundred and fifty dollars. I figured that was close enough. The flawless performance of the Bornless invocation was a big deal, but it was the idiot-bliss I was experiencing from my feel-good encounter with Raphael that triggered all of this. The HGA told me that when I was attacked, my consciousness ascended to Geburah in a combination of fear and rage, intensified by the benevolence I had been feeling over the last week or so. I wasnt just mad; I was outraged that after years of identifying personally with things that were generally seen as evil, nasty, and cruel, haven taken this pure and unselfish oath, I was being attacked. This is, as far as I can tell, a pretty typical form of stupidity. I was feeling like one of the good guys, so I expected the world to treat me like one of the good guys. The HGA told me that to equilibrate the Oath of Devotion to Raphael, I would have to make an Oath of Attrition to Samael. I did this work on the day of the moon, in the solomnic hour of the moon with pieces rising, April 28. Typically, the archangel demiurge threw down the gauntlet. My life has been very different since this took place. The Oath of Attrition: I __ do solemnly swear that I will tolerate nothing base, no disease or deformity of character or spirit. Further- I will root out the perpetrators of this parasitic contagion, lest the vengeance of the Most High fall upon me- who stood idle. Samael has this to add: Evil is everywhere. It never rests. To take an oath to truly do good things means that you must be willing to die. Evil survives, not because it is stronger, but because it is error. What is good can become evil with just one mistake. So the moral... make no mistakes? Impossible? Yes! That is why this oath will be, in the end, the death of you.

A Rogue's Life 2008-11-05 23:14:00

I left most of these personal notes out of this document, but this one sheds a great deal of light on the circumstances that lead to me moving to Toronto and setting up a temple to perform the HGA working. Im totally in knots right now and may have a recently ex-ed boyfriend out looking for me. It was really funny, and really terrible, and really sad, and is actually probably going to manifest the (happy?) ending of all the insanity Ive recently alluded to, based on the symmetry with the conditions of the Amoun-Ra working, but thats way too complicated, and so not over, to get into details. This was a reference to the terrible relationship Sasha engaged in after we broke up. This individual, who we shall refer to as toadboy, was not physically threatening himself, but he traveled in large groups. When their relationship ended and she and I began to spend a lot of time together, he had started to spread completely ridiculous rumors that I was physically abusing her. Its not like anyone considered him to be the most reliable source in the world, but Fredericton is a small place. There were a few nights, when we happened to be at the same place at the same time, when he would start telling his tale of woe to drunk guys to incite them. Luckily, because of the milieu I traveled in at the time, my friends were a far more dangerous lot. The irony is that although he never physically abused her, to my knowledge, he was always a petty, condescending, control freak, patterns of behavior I considered abusive, and had been telling her so for some time. The situation resolved itself quite neatly with the right words at the right time. I still run into him occasionally when I go home for a visit, over Christmas or whatever. He will literally dodge traffic to run to the other side of the street if he sees me coming. This is very satisfying. It was funny, because, knowing I had Monday off, I noticed a good time for a Jupiter ritual when the moon was in conjunction with Jupiter, so I got some stuff together and planned a fairly intricate Amoun-Ra invocation. While I was waiting for my silver buddy to get within ten minutes (not time minutes) of the King, my phone rang. On the other end was a former priestess, who basically inspired the Istar working. I figured that was another not so subtle hint, so I went to meet her. The dominos started to fall and have not stopped falling. This was Sasha. We wound up moving to Toronto within a few months of

each other. In every conceivable way, this was the initiating incident for that move on my part. Although Purson and Tzadkiel both told me that I would have to go to Toronto to perform my HGA working I was still stagnating in Fredericton. She got me in the city, and kept me motivated to stay there long enough to complete that task. She wound up running out of money and having to move back not too long after that working was complete, while I found myself building a life here with no real desire to return to New Brunswick, which had been my original plan. I didnt like the way that the city changed her, and we had a very final schism.

To Subdue the Screechowl 2009-03-13 12:54:00

First, the method: The following was the product of a series of workings between January and March of 2009 that involved the use of the substance prepared during the Baphomet Working in a series of rituals, first keyed to the Paris Working, which then took on a life of their own. On the dates and times that A.C. and V.N. worked, I did my own rituals. Before the four week Jupiter thing, I just invoked Thoth by the obvious method to aid in understanding, read the portions of the record from Liber 415 aloud, and tried to figure shit out. I had numerous revelations, which are unimportant to this article. The substance was my attempt to use the Edicts of Amoun Ra to produce a sacrament suitable for ritual work. I count it as a success. For the four-week Amoun-Ra invocation, and the following series of pathworkings, I used this method: 1. Recite the first ten verses of Surah 91 of the Quran 2.1 Middle Pillar Exercise (for Amoun-Ra, although the colors visualized followed the Enochian, not the G:.D:., attributions) OR 2.2 Invocation of the Assiatic Archangels with accompanying visualizations (the method is simple, a short prayer to the angel based on its name while visualizing the appropriate Sephira flaming in the appropriate color on the appropriate part of the body while circumambulating the temple clockwise) 3. Recitation of the Gnostic Cree 4. Recite the oaths I have taken, while donning my knotted rope (each knot being charged to a tarot card) as a circle, my phylactery (containing Liber AL in the original writing, my own ceremonially scribed Shemhamphorash, and several magically charged objects that I cannot describe) and a plain black robe that is left open, so my star of Babalon tattoo is clearly visible. 4.5 Next, for the Amoun-Ra work, I invoked him by the Hexagram and a prayer that was arranged between us during the original working several years ago. For the other work, I skipped this step. 6. Next, I stepped into my body of light. I usually do this by imagining that I am looking over my own shoulder, establishing that I can see things in the room I am in, and rising to my tower on the astral plane. Crowley claims that the experienced practitioner can dispel space on the astral plane, and I have been able to do this on many occasions, but first I need to get to that damn tower. Its like my point of reference on the astral plane. Once I establish myself there, I can zip around however I like, because I know where I am. But

I have to get there before I can do that. When I get to the tower, theres a staircase leading up. My temple is about halfway to the top, to the left. I head there and invoke by the pentagram. As one could imagine, there are numerous accompanying phenomena (a flame for Hadit, the sounding of a Conch-horn for Babalon, etc) which all serve to get me to the right place. When I leave the temple, I visualize the black egg surrounding my body to enclose all four walls and corners, and seal it in my heart with a small prayer. With each invocation I try to focus on how that energy is integrated into my body of light. For Therion, its a beasts face and claws, Hadit, a uraeus crown, Babalon, a glowing light about the phallus, Nuit, a robe of shimmering stars. I maintain this image throughout the astral journey. 6.5 For the Amoun-Ra work I recited the appropriate vesicles based on AbraMelin squares and made a sacrifice. Physical phenomena that occurred during the first ritual indicated that I should use Aloe wood incense. This makes no sense to me, but the indication was TOTALLY UNMISTAKABLE. I have only had positive physical phenomena take place very rarely, so I tend to pay attention when it happens. 7. Then, I go to Kraeshandi in the tower. If astral travel is needed, I have a telescope up there that I look through, find the symbol appropriate to the plane Im trying to reach, visualize it as a door, and step through. What was the result? There were numerous results that werent all necessarily connected. Heres what we need to know to understand how gematria drove this work, and what came of it: I had a very strange encounter with an astral entity that I first met in 2005, (the Prince from Qesheth during the Samael thing) and worked with a number of times since then. Having him show up unannounced was, well, not what I was expecting. He gave me a proof of his demand (that I perform my Amoun-Ra invocation for that day, the first day of the third week, on the plane of Qesheth, and visit my people there) that added to 171. This number meant nothing to me, (although it would be used consistently to verify that entitys presence in later workings) but he claimed that Kraeshandi would confirm what he was saying. So I went to her. Her sign came to 136, which was obviously was appropriate for an Amoun-Ra working. I was asked to do four things during this working, and each time the proof was a different word that came to 136. The result was that a seed was planted. Kraeshandi gave me three random-seeming images, which I would recognize as the letters L V X about a month later. They were distorted in shape. When I performed the first working that was the result of the following gematria, I got the method to unscramble them, and felt like a fool for pondering something so obvious that had been in my notebook for so long. This was all connected to the conclusion of the workings, which I had actually set up on orders from Azrael without any idea why I was doing what I was doing about two years ago. Mark this, because its

a theme. My work seems to be three steps ahead of me at all times. A week later, 171 came up again, and Kraeshandi gave me another sign. She told me that it wasnt important, and that I shouldnt think about it too hard. The word was GRINISIDI, but the S kept changing back and forth from Samekh to Shin. I tallied up both numbers. With the spelling as Samekh, it came to 417! Like. ALMOST the Great Work. With a little effort it could get there. As shin it was 657, which meant nothing to me. I did my usual routine when meeting a strange number, dividing 657 by the numbers one through ten, and seeing what I got. 657 divided by 7 equals 93.857142 repeating. At first, this was not particularly interesting, other than the obvious 93. But after more careful consideration, I noticed something. The variation in the sequence is totally symmetrical, and equilibrates itself: 8-3 = 5, 5 + 2 = 7, 7 6 = 1, 1 + 3 = 4, 4 2 = 2, 2 + 6 = 8 So, -3,+2,-6 on one side, and +3, -2, +6 on the other side, totaling 7/+7. The thing that repeats after 93 comes out to zero, in other words, cancels itself out. Its a journey of Perfecting Will. Or it would be for me, anyway. This was the little effort indicated by 417. Kraeshandi told me, after I returned with my discovery, that the key was 162. I was to chart the paths on the tree of life that would travel from Hod, to Geburah, to Netzach, to Kether, to Chesed, and to Chokma, that would add up to this total. The really hilarious part is that I fucked up and wrote down 262 on a slip of paper I was taking to work with me. It was a slow night and I had lots of time to play with it. After TEN SOLID HOURS of immersion in the Naples arrangement, I FINALLY realized I had written down an incorrect number originally, and went to bed angry. When I woke up and looked at the thing with fresh eyes, I saw that there was only one possible arrangement that even came close, and it did not add to 162, but 161. However I had been seeing signs like this constantly. 155, 417, and now I had 161, one less than the indicated sign, and ten less then the sign they kept giving me, 171. So I thought fuck it Ill do the pathworkings once this Amoun-Ra stuff is done. I did a pathworking every day from February ninth to the twentieth, the Amoun-Ra work having ended on the fifth. A lot of different things connected to the idea of the abyss and what I would eventually have to do to cross it came up. But the most interesting stuff came up on the path that is associated with Vau. I met a restless entity there that gave me his name, which came to 657. Since this was driving the whole project, he caught my attention. He claimed that he could heal me of all previous ills, and set me on the right track, because his nature was right restriction or right sin. The sign he gave me to prove this was 157, which was also the number of the magical oath I associate with my work on the sphere of Hod, which I took at the conclusion

of the FIRST Istar working prompted to do so as it was also the number of the temple set up she gave me. Since Hod was also the starting point for this series of pathworkings, and the number of this spirits name was driving the whole series of workings, I had a trifecta. He claimed to be the minister of an angel ruling over the second decant of pieces. The next two encounters I had with him (the path of Vau was necessary to cross three times to follow the pattern that would stay below 162) gave me explicit instructions, and three proofs that came to 93, 156, and 131. Ive never had anything that obvious happen to me before. He wanted me to do a working every three days of his ruling angels ministry, all of which turned out to be intrinsically connected to Kraeshandi. My readers who remember the Istar working and its purpose will grasp the significance of this. These three workings were aimed at completing the Istar working. I had already planned to repeat a celebration of the Goddess, from the first day of spring, continuing until the first day of summer. A small daily ritual with incense, meditation, and invocations. That work is now possible in a way that I didnt understand before, for reasons that I will shortly articulate. The first two workings helped to prepare me, and involved personal stuff that you dont have the patience to listen to. The THIRD one, however Where to begin? A few years ago, after I finished the second Baphomet working, the Hideous God sent me to Azrael, who commanded me to do something fairly simple that I didnt understand at all. He wanted me to go to a plane connected with the number 561, for which he provided adequate direction, and perform the LVX signs (which Kraeshandi was hinting about with her initial scribbles) in my body of light sixty nine times. This seemed ridiculously repetitive and ridiculous, but I did it anyway. The plane was almost vacant, except for a single pyramid identical to the one shown to me by NANTA in my first Enochian working. One side was light, one dark. The light side had a dark, inverted triangle, the dark side had a light, upright triangle. When I first saw it, NANTA told me it is your destiny to enter the shadow side, but not your destiny to return. I was told by the angel Gabriel, if you enter by the shadow side, you will endure terror and sorrow but end your days in paradise. Move toward the light, and although joys will show themselves, you will end your days in abject misery. I often think of this passage when I think of the pyramid: And a voice cometh: Thou didst seek the remedy of sorrow; therefore all sorrow is thy portion. This is that which is written: God hath laid upon him the iniquity of us all. I attracted a lot of attention. I have ways of hiding myself from other entities on the astral plane, but after forty trips, there was such a crowd gathered that I had to literally fight my way through. I have no idea what that means. Normally I skip details like this because theyre never relevant, and all astral phenomena are suspect, but because of what happened during the third working of the second decant of Pieces, I do mention it.

The entity I met on the path of Vau indicated that I should return to this plane for the third working. When I arrived, there was Kraeshandi, nailed to a cross on the apex of the pyramid. I struck her with my spear (although it was I who died- this was a direct reference to the Cry of LIT) and carried her body into the upright triangle on the dark side of the pyramid. In three days I returned. What happened then was more or less an inversion of the Jesus resurrection. Instead of fleeing in fear, I came to her in love. She gave me a word that came to 172 ten more than the key I had been given to determine the pathworkings in the first place, and one more than the proof I had frequently been given during the Amoun-Ra working. For my money, given that off by one was a frequent theme in all of this, thats a good sign. WOAH! Savior? From what? On the last day of the ruling angels ministry, for lack of an idea of what else to do, I decided to visit Kraeshandi, and if she could provide me with no cues, to go to the path of Vau and tell my new friend that I had done what he asked. The second that I stepped out of my body, I realized that I was not alone in the room. Lilith was with me. I know her very, very well, so I recognized her right away. I had been doing workings with her for some time. She came to me seductively, and I would have given in if my HGA hadnt suddenly spoken up, called me a fool, and ordered my to call upon my savior, delivered by Istar, to subdue her. This is hard with Lilith, as anyone who has dealt with her knows, her nature is such that the usual names do not have the power they do over other demons. I responded that I had no magical link that could command such force And realized I was lying. See I was wearing this silver ring. It was originally given to me by CNBA during my first series of Cherubic workings, and had led me to Mr. Church. After that, however, I had consecrated the thing to Lilith. I charged it with sacrifices to her name on an almost daily basis. I wore it on my weddingring finger. I had done this for approximately four years. I had a magick link. Like, on my finger. Right. There. With. Me. Consecrated by time, energy, sacrifice, devotion, and all the rest. I had exactly. What. I. Needed. I prayed to my savior, I used the magick link in the ring to subdue the demon, and finally placed the object about the devotional phallus that sits on my altar, to symbolize the overcoming-by-Will. Before I made reference to the fact that I had developed phimosis. It happened slowly. I would still get errections, but these were painful as they caused my foreskin to split and bleed. I had started cross-dressing when at home, a practice that seemed to develop along with the phimosis. After I was circumcised this urge vanished. After this ritual, and the confrontation with Lilith, it was as if I woke up to what was happening. I had just met Tara, so I

gave sex another shot, and when I found that it was totally without pleasure, I immediately made the appointment to get chopped.

Ajna Observes 2009-03-29 14:52:00

(1) The beginner must first practice breathing regularly through the nose, at the same time trying hard to believe that the breath goes to the Ajna and not to the lungs Try to realize that power, not air, is being drawn into the Ajna, is being concentrated there during Kumbhakam, and is vivifying the Ajna during expiration. Try rather to increase the force of concentration in Ajna than to increase so excessively the length of Kumbhakam as this is dangerous if rashly undertaken. (2) Walk slowly in a quiet place; realize that the legs are moving, and study their movements. Understand thoroughly that these movements are due to nerve messages sent down from the brain, and that the controlling power lies in the Ajna. The legs are automatic, like those of a wooden monkey: the power in Ajna is that which does the work, is that which walks. This is not hard to realize, and should be grasped firmly, ignoring all other walking sensations. Apply this method to every other muscular movement. (4) Try to transfer all bodily sensations to the Ajna, e.g., "I am cold" should mean "I feel cold", or better still, "I am aware of a sensation of cold" --transfer this to the Ajna, "the Ajna is aware", etc. (5) Pain if very slight may easily be transferred to the Ajna after a little practice. The best method for beginner is to imagine he has a pain in the body and then imagine that it passes directly into the Ajna. It does not pass through the intervening structures, but goes direct. After continual practice even severe pain may be transferred to the Ajna. Finally, strive hard to drive anger and other obsessing thoughts into the Ajna. Try to develop a tendency to think hard of Ajna when these thoughts attack the mind, and let Ajna conquer them. Beware of thinking of "My Ajna". In these meditations and practices, Ajna does not belong to you; Ajna is the master and worker, you are the wooden monkey. -Liber DCCCXXXI Between the Vernal Equinox and the Friday following the Feast of Asarte, I have adopted a very severe Niyama, related to devotional yogic practices based on Liber CLXXV. The restrictions and obligations that were included in this caused massive physical pain. Half way through the first

week, I almost snapped. In desperation, I performed an act of Bibliomancy with the Equinox, and came to the Prophets commentary on H.P.B,s The Voice in the Silence. The first thing I noticed was that Liber DCCCXXXI was mentioned with astonishing frequency. I worked with the supplemental method indicated quite thoroughly back in 2004, but I had not made any significant attainments in Pranayama or Asana then, and as such, didnt get much out of the practice. When I began again, using the practice as a way to concentrate my mind on my devotion to the Goddess without being distracted by the physical pain that caused, I made some serious breakthroughs in dharana and pratyahara. Good Lord! When Ajna observes, Ajna observes. This is my account of Ajnas observations. To include all relevant parts of the soul, I included Mind, as well as The Wooden Monkey, as the subject of Ajnas observations. Enjoy! -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency, during periods of repetitive muscular activity and little mental stimulation, to project itself forward and backward through the illusion of time, ignoring sensation and presence. -Ajna observes that Mind has the tendency to re-enforce T.W.M.s primary identity by asserting T.W.M.s character by imagining how he might behave in theoretical scenarios. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has the tendency to perceive breath as the motion of air into and out of the lungs in response to their muscular action. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to break meditation by imagining T.W.M. proclaiming the virtues of his attainment. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to become stimulated by women forbidden by his Niyama, who held no sexual interest for him whatsoever until they were forbidden. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to imagine that his forehead will begin to glow with visible light as an outward sign of his miraculous power. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to become insulted by the task of recording Ajnas observations, feeling looked down upon. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to question Ajnas observations. Ajna observes, but does Ajna truly understand? asks Mind. -Ajna observes that Mind can only be answered by Mind, and that Mind turns infinitely into itself. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to, in moments of supreme dharana that transcend the illusion of time, suddenly begin to project itself forward and backward in time, questioning am I forgetting something? and is there something I need to do right now? Ajna observes that this is the reason for the hermitage. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to associate new information with previously accepted information in order to categorize this information, and Mind often fails to understand the newness of new information because of this tendency.

-Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to feel superior to others because of his acts of Will, and thus to mistake Ego for Will. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. is made angry by those who do not share his virtues. T.W.M. becomes angry on principle, and believes that his principles indicate that he should take responsibility for his actions. Mind justifies T.W.M.s rage by asserting that the other person is BAD and WRONG. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to become outraged at the sexual choices of others. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to pretend to be Ajna, perceiving Ajnas authority, desiring that its utterances be treated with the same reverence. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to rationalize and justify T.W.M.s feelings, however much disturbance they cause. -Ajna observes that Mind has the tendency to warn T.W.M. that lust for result will prevent him from obtaining his desired result. Mind, upon seeing T.W.M.s record of Ajnas observations, observes that this is tautological. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to become distracted by the supplementary practice of Liber Yod, forgetting that it is but a device to cure T.W.M.s pain so he can focus on his devotion. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to feign ignorance when faced with an uncomfortable truth. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to become angry when he realizes that others are categorizing him. -Ajna observes that, as the strain of his devotion increases, T.W.M. has a tendency to unconsciously vocalize his anger and frustration. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to imagine conversations with people known to T.W.M. in order to contextualize the thought process, creating the illusion of duality, when in reality, mind speaks and mind answers. -Ajna observes that T.W.M. has a tendency to move rapidly, to pace, skip, and jump, when Mind becomes excited. -Ajna observes that by fatiguing Mind and T.W.M. through the unbearable focus of devotion and meditation so that they are no longer excited, a new, silent thing of power is created. -Ajna observes that Mind and T.W.M. have a tendency to conspire to obscure Ajnas observations. -Ajna observes that the act of writing has a tendency to harmonize Mind and T.W.M. For a short they become as one. -Ajna observes that Minds tendency to project itself forward and backward in time, when it is focused, seems to depend on T.W.M.s emotional state. When T.W.M. is happy, Mind has a tendency to imagine pleasant future scenarios and recall happy memories. When T.W.M. is sad, Mind has a tendency to imagine unpleasant future scenarios, and recall unpleasant memories.

-Ajna observes that T.W.M.s emotional state, unless related to an immediately present situation, person, or phenomenon, is largely dependent on his physiological state, i.e. hunger and discomfort affect him negatively, causing Mind project itself forward and backward in time gathering data to justify/rationalize T.W.M.s emotional state with a memory or imagined future scenario. -Ajna observes that Minds tendencies to project itself forward and backward in time without focus occur when in the presence of some regular, repetitive, non-distracting stimulus to marginally hold the attention of the eyes, allowing Mind to wander, i.e. traffic, the motion of T.W.M. walking or performing some basic manual task, television, etc. -Ajna observes that Mind and T.W.M. cry out for attention when they are being ignored, and seek to hide themselves when they find themselves the focus of attention -Ajna observes that the thoughts of Mind have a tendency to become nonsequential when it is marginally attentive to the motion of the body, ordered when it is marginally focused on the motion of the breath. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to seek to impose limits and definitions upon Ajna, resorting to the cry, Ajna is Ajna! when all else fails. -Ajna observes that Mind has a tendency to imagine complexity when it is confronted with simple unpleasantness. -Ajna observes that T.W.M.s fascination with miraculous power is a great source of distraction, and that his shame at this distraction constitutes FURTHER excitement and disturbance.

The Three Rings of Istar 2009-04-06 15:35:00

I should explain first that I write this record for other eyes than mine, since I am now sufficiently sure of myself to attain something or other; but I cannot foretell exactly what form the attainment may take. Just so, if one goes to call upon a friend, he may be walking or riding or sleeping. Thus, then, is Adonai hidden from me. I know where He lives; I know I shall be welcome if I call; but I do not know whether He will invite me to a banquet or ask me to go out with him for a long journey. -AC. J.St.J. When I began the Istar working again, I wasnt sure what was going to happen, or what would be demanded of me. For the first week I prayed for guidance while I worked. Although each ceremony had different elements, I began the same way each time. I was to meditate, contemplate, and adore the Goddess as often as I could for as long as I could, but the ritual portion was more basic. I was to work at noon on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday for four weeks, beginning on the Vernal Equinox, and ending the Friday after Easter Sunday. The idea was to work up a current of energy related to the Goddess and manifest that energy using the age-old celebratory force of the Asarte festival for kick. The whole thing would take four weeks. I sat Asana for at least twenty minutes before each ceremony; to give my mind a chance to invent whatever distractions it could and get them out of the way. The mind is pretty repetitive, and Ive found lately that a little Asana clears it out and allows it to focus far better than most banishing rituals. 1. Recite verses 1-10 from Surah 91 of the Quran. 2. Invoke the Assiatic Archangels. Here I figured Istar as ALHIM, as she was now the central divine force in the universe for me. 3. Recite the four devotional oaths, the oaths of my grade, and affirm my Will to: a. celebrate the might of Istar, (Friday) b. raise an army in service of Istar, (Tuesday) and c. obtain guidance from the Goddess in my effort to Create Change (Sunday). These include a recitation of the Gnostic Creed. 4. Don robes, put on the knotted-circle and phylactery. Light the incense (rose and sandal) and light the flame, a single white candle burning before the devotional image of the Goddess. 5. Perform the Invocation of the Bornless One. 6. A paen to the Goddess, suited to the day, whatever attainments or experiences have taken place. Following that, the days specific work would be performed.

This working imposed an unexpectedly severe niyama. One does not wish to be vulgar in matters of the Holy, and it is no question as to what activity is most sacred to Istar, as it is the activity which ceased on all corners of the earth during her absence in the underworld. I was instructed to make the three forms of beauty that the Goddess revealed to me through Kraeshandi the subject of constant focus and concentration. I was also required to languish in ardor (in Mentilus et Manus) for two to four hours a day, generally divided between the time immediately after awakening, and the time immediately before sleep. Death could only come, however, in the ceremonial embrace of the Goddess, and this was only permissible at noon on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. On Tuesday I was to perform workings to the end of a pseudo-military goal of mine, which has been the focus of the past eighteen months of work, and would take too long to explain here. Friday was to be a celebration of the Goddess for the sake of celebration, and on Sunday I would go to the oracle of the Yi King after invoking the Goddess, to obtain a sign to guide my conduct over the course of the week. These celebrations were performed as a preliminary for the work I would do for the festival of Asarte that final Friday being the last celebration, a ceremony of Thanksgiving to the Goddess. Four weeks. Twelve times. While constantly, constantly, constantly turning my thoughts to the source of pain. Sexual thoughts had been my number one distraction. In Asana or attempts at Dharana, when my mind would wander, that was inevitably what it would wander to. Now, this object that so attracted my wandering mind was made the source of my focus, and I found perfect concentration easy to maintain. It seemed that I didnt know HOW to be distracted at first. Whatever my intellectual apprehension of the situation, it wouldnt have mattered. I utterly failed the test of fasting at the end of the Baphomet working, so naturally this next test would be more severe. I knew this going into the working, so I received this commandment with the grim satisfaction of the condemned. On the first week, the stretch from Sunday to Tuesday was bearable. From Friday to Sunday it was becoming difficult (I almost said getting hard, but thats a foregone conclusion) but still bearable. Tuesday to Friday well that was a bit of a trial. On Wednesday night, the pain was unendurable. Miserable and wretched, I turned to an act of bibliomancy and pulled up Crowleys commentary on The Voice of the Silence. Although interesting, the text itself didnt seem to shed particular light on my situation. I did notice, however, that Crowley frequently referenced Liber Yod. That caught my attention. The ceremonial aspect of this text has always fascinated me. I tried to work with the supplemental practice of this Liber about four or five years ago. This was before I had any significant success in Pranayama or Asana, so I didnt get very far, being totally unable to fix a thought in my mind for enough time to let it do good. Based on my own experience, I submit

that some kind of progress toward Pratyahara is absolutely necessary for this to work. Although I had only had a few really noteworthy with this at the time, I had developed the faculty of self-analysis fairly well. When I began to use the supplemental practice of Liber Yod in conjunction with Liber Asarte, these began to happen with increasing frequency. By the second week, my body began to adjust to the new physiological conditions. The focus provided by that pain in the first week did wonders for my concentration. In a sense, this was completely counter-intuitive. Liber Yod is almost anti-religious, not in the moral sense, but in the sense of the method of its practice. Bhakti yoga is about the annihilation of the self in the beloved object. The Raja yoga of Liber Yod is intended to subjugate the tendencies of the mind and our perception of the conditions of existence to ones essential spiritual force. I was able to realize that these practices had almost the same objective, although they reached it by opposite paths. I was astounded, not only at how easy it was to maintain the practice, but at how quickly results manifested, and how deeply this focused my Dharana on the Goddess. Although I didnt experience the sheer terror of the constantly-finding-a-spider-on-me feeling that characterized the end of the Baphomet Working, it was similar. Very soon, instead of visualizing the breath coming up through my nostrils and entering Ajna, Ajna was all that figured in my visualizations. When I breathed in, I visualized the egg of blackness, absorbing the ambient energy around it from all sides (Ajna observes that The Wooden Monkey has the tendency to perceive breath as the motion of air caused by the muscular action of the lungs, but the aura of Ajna is perfectly spherical in its infinite contraction and expansion) and exploding a la supernova when I breathed out. By maintaining this image to the point at which it became perfectly attached to the act of breathing, and driving the physical pain of desire up into Ajna, I was able to focus on the three forms of beauty shown by the Goddess without being unnecessarily distracted by physical pain. This is a sort of a visual mantra. I found that the sort of detachment which comes with the practices indicated by Liber Yod were so alien to the Bhakti approach that they utterly failed to interfere, and I had no difficulty performing the two practices at once. For the first week and a half, the severity of my discomfort kept me rigidly focused on this practice as a way to clear my mind. When Moses smote the rock, he did not create the spring of water; he revealed it to the people, because occult science had made it known to himself by means of the divining rod. It is in like manner with all miracles of Magic; a law exists, which is ignored by the vulgar and made use of by the initiate. Occult laws are often opposed diametrically to common ideas. For example, the crowd believes in the sympathy of things which are alike and in the hostility of things contrary, but it is the opposite which is the true law. It

used to be affirmed that Nature abhors the void, but it should be said that Nature desires it, were the void not, in physics, the most irrational of fictions. In all things the vulgar mind habitually takes shadow for reality, turns its back upon light and is reflected in the obscurity which it projects itself. The forces of Nature are at the disposal of one who knows how to resist them. -Eliphas Levi, The Doctrine and Ritual of Transcendental Magic, p.29 On March 20th, I performed the initiatory ritual for the working, adhering to the previously described formula. There were two signs given, and a key for the supreme ritual, to be performed on Easter. When I reached Kraeshandi, we prayed to the Goddess together, and she gave me a word that came to 175, a number perfectly resonant with Istar herself, as well as the index number of Liber Asarte. I took that a particularly good sign. The second sign was different. In the midst of our prayers, I sensed that a figure appeared. It was a while before I acknowledged its presence. I frequently went to this place in my body of light, and it has always been insulated. Randoms dont just pop by when Im there. Seeming amused by my reluctance to accept his presence, Raphael soon announced himself. I had invoked the Assiatic archangels to guide me in my work before the ritual, but I wasnt expecting to hear from them directly. This event was what gave me the idea to continue to employ the invocations described in the part one. He gave me a word as a sign, with the letter Teth vanishing and re-appearing. Without the Teth, the number was 193, which was the gematria of Mr. Churchs name, and as such a central sign to my original A:.A:. studies. With the Teth it was 202, which was the sign given to me by Kraeshandi during the three ceremonies ordered by the restless spirit. One number is good, but seeing both of these signs, both linked to the same work, is a sign that is, statistically, far more improbable, and therefore more certain. If we take the total skeptics view and assert that these words and signs are simply spontaneous products of the unconscious mind, it is logical, to an extent, to see certain numbers appear and re-appear. 175 is such an obvious connection that it requires no such help, but 193 on its own could be obscure if it wasnt connected to the work I had JUST done on March 7 by 202. Raphael said that this sign was to indicate that the work was blessed by The Most High. The key of the final ritual was given by the appearance of three Hebrew letters. Mem-Teth-Resh. The analogy to the crucifixion and resurrection is obvious, and made Thelemic by Teth in the midst. The connection of Teth to the spermatozoon by the astrological glyph of Leo (and the attribution to the Lust card) seems to indicate the sexual re-configuration of death, and its connection to the male orgasm, in the New Aeon. The gematric total came to 249 = terror. So for the Easter ritual, I would have to scare myself.

I didnt know it at the time, but there was a way I could do that. I had only ever performed this ritual once before, the very first time I performed ceremonial magick, half as a joke. The results were dramatic, but for some reason I never thought to try the same thing again. I wouldnt even get the idea for some time until April 11 after some intense conversation. On Sunday, March 22 I performed the next ritual, and made the next sacrifice. By Wednesday, I was a total mess. I was depressed, and totally scattered mentally. That was when I began to manifest two physical signs that continued until the M-T-R ritual performed on April 12, which were shaking and sighing. In a weeks time I was shaking like a leaf, having severe muscular spasms, and having fits of hyperventilation that would incapacitate me for sometimes hours at a time. It was like not fun. I was feeling a great deal of tension, but it was largely undirected. It was Mar. 25 that I read The Voice of the Silence, as previously described, and got the idea to use the supplemental practice of Liber Yod to make the pain somehow manageable. I wrote about the sort of thing that began to happen in this state of intense concentration in the last post. I note here that these attainments in Dharana and Pratyahara only continued as long as the pain did. When my body began to adjust to the Niyama the pain stopped concentrating my thought in the way that it initially had. Although I kept up the Ajna visualizations my self-analysis became more repetitive and less profound. The pain helped me focus. That is undeniable. Between Mar. 27 and April 4, although I was getting some relief from Ajna, I couldnt sleep for more than three hours at a time. This was the most physically difficult week, although April 4-11 was the most emotionally difficult week. I wept for an hour every morning when I woke up, and after fulfilling my requirements for the ritual, I drank myself into oblivion every night so that I could achieve some kind of unconsciousness. The state of arousal continued throughout this, and for obvious reasons (I sleep face down, for example) that interfered significantly with my ability to get any kind of rest. On Sunday, March 29 I awoke to a very disturbing phone call that directly impacted a part of the work upon which I am sworn to keep silence. I was already in a highly volatile emotional state, and this served to put me over the edge. Although I was, for all practical purposes, a wreck, I performed the necessary invocations. On Monday morning I was incredibly exhausted. I woke up at eight am, ready for my daily work, and found myself overcome with weariness. I tried to go back to bed, and a loud chime sounded beside my head. It reminded me of the Tibetan singing bowl that I used to have. Even then, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but the knowledge that I would have to record this obvious manifestation of physical phenomena in my notebook prevented me from doing so.

I had thought that the injunction to disturb the sleep that occurs in Liber Asarte was optional. Like I could decide if I wanted to do that part or not. Wrong! That was the last time that I tried to fuck with the program. As usual, the physical phenomena were a result of my almost fucking up by going back to bed rather than beginning my devotions. When I performed the work for the day, I was a mess. When it was finished, I had had it. I decided that I wasnt going to do it any more. I was frustrated and enraged beyond reason. I tried to reject the whole work. My focus on Ajna was helping me to concentrate and dull the pain, so I tried to blot it out. I tried to turn my mind AWAY from the Goddess. I might as well have tried to swim up a waterfall. The harder I tried to stop it, the more intense it became. At some point I became clinically insane and was convinced that Ajna was singing the gospel classic This Little Light of Mine. It declared its intention to shine, regardless of my interference. This is, in retrospect, kind of funny, but at the time it was terrifying. The singing went on for hours. I dont suggest that this indicates attainment as much as total mental breakdown, but it gave me a weird resonance with that song. I downloaded a great version of it that I played over and over during the week of April 4-11. It was the only thing that kept me halfway sane in the midst of crushing depression, All in all, Monday Mar. 31 was terrible. Aside from the intense pain of desire, multiple people with problems approached me. Since taking the oath to do everything in my power to help anyone who sincerely comes to me in search of guidance or healing, Ive been approached by a lot of people with sad stories, but that day took the cake. The first person that came to me was clearly insane. The second was in a terrible situation, and from what I could tell, lacked the power to change it. I told her what she would have to do, and she became upset. I couldnt help her much. The third person that came to me had a story that ranks among the most horrible things I have ever heard happening to anyone, and she seemed fine. Although she was emotionally confused and physically ravaged by antiretroviral medication, she really just wanted to tell her story to somebody who was capable of engaging her intellectually instead of emotionally, which was what everyone else was doing. Because of all the hand wringing, the fact that she was fine was causing her more distress than the thing that actually happened. I was in an extremely sensitive state, and all three of these stories hit me like a ton of bricks. I kept it together just fine while we were talking, but afterward I suffered a physical, mental, and emotional collapse. I tried to relax, but it wasnt happening. For three days I had been having fits of muscular tension, but on Monday I trembled all night. When I tried to sit Asana, this trembling became more pronounced. On Tuesday, April 1 I went to Kraeshandi after the ritual and begged her for some indication that things were going as planned. She gave me a sign that came to 171 once again.

When I made the sacrifice that Tuesday, the organ didnt PUMP, like it usually does. It FLUTTERED, like a hummingbird. Toward the end, there was no muscular action whatsoever. It issued its word in perfect stillness On April 1 the mounting tension was growing. There was certainly a period of time that despair made it impossible to languish in ardor quite as arduously as I would under other circumstances, but the mechanics of my mind were facing a new dilemma. Sexual thoughts, and contemplating the women in my life, are my number one source of distraction under normal circumstances. I can easily catch myself being distracted by money, projecting my consciousness forward or backward in time, or the spiritual pride that so quickly ensues when a very small amount of success has been obtained in a yogic practice, but women? Sex? Forget about it. Ill invent ALL KINDS of reasons to let my mind wander to that subject, and half the time Ill have myself convinced that its part of the work Im doing. But this time it WAS the work that I was doing. Mind was at a loss, because it didnt really know HOW to be distracted by anything else. I had effectively checkmated my tendency to derail my own concentration. I did a lot of low-level Pranayama during this period, but Asana was impossible. I still sat in the chair for half an hour a day, but I bounced and shook constantly. When I made the sacrifice on Friday, the Goddess told me I turned your red light green (at that point she made a gesture to my penis, phimosis had developed to the point at which there was no recourse but circumcision, which was essentially the price for the covenant discussed in the very first Istar ritual I had conducted to awaken Kraeshandi in 2006) I had stopped asking for too many signs at this point, because I certainly recognized the presence of the Goddess by this time, and because something about it seemed to cheapen my work. I was desperately insecure, and to keep asking how am I doin? Is this right? over and over was too much like asking for reassurance. This time when I made the sacrifice there was no muscular action at all. None. The rest of my body, however, shook all day. I sighed chronically, over and over, filled with tension. In some of the material Ive been looking at on exorcism, they mention coughing as an outward sign that the body is rejecting the demon. I think thats what was happening to me here. The breath is the spirit. And my body was pushing this malefic spiritual matter out of me, stroke after stroke. I was stuck. To abide in devotion without lust for result isnt easy. Through despair, however, I managed to do this. When I prayed to the Goddess I emphasized my agony, and I believe that this added a great deal of weight to the work. On Friday I asked for a sign to guide my conduct in the work on Easter Sunday. I already had my key, which was terror. This seemed to be in keeping with the shift in forces indicated by the Yi King. The Goddess gave

me a word that came to 165. Aside from the striking inversion of 156 (which more accurately reflects the path of one up the tree than the path of one down) it also indicated NEMO, the strength of Ezekial against Israel, and a line in the book of Psalms, the secret of IHVH is with them that fear him, and I will make them know his covenant. At first I didnt know what to do. But a conversation I had with someone dredged up some old shit. And I remembered the time in my life I had been the most afraid. I figured if it worked once What follows is dramatic foreshadowing. Ryan: when I called it back up, you know what it wanted? Sarah: What? Ryan: a voice. a say. a time and place to speak its piece that was all just a station in the hierarchy which it surely deserved. self-destruction... the will-to-die... has to have a place in the order of the mind Sarah: Whoa... Ryan: or it will make itself a place by disordering the mind Sarah: That's kind of scary big. Ryan: yeah tell me about it Sarah: ha. Ryan: he just wanted to say his piece. And I needed to hear some of the things he had to say. You have to listen in silence because of the nature of ZAX... Its a dangerous thing, and whatever its place is, that can't be forgotten. You dont talk back. but still... I was totally denying it its place. You dont beat it, you abide in silence. Sarah: But it's worth it. Ryan: oh yeah... well... its the big lesson, really. Is that what happens happens... but as long as you can find place for everything in your mind, you can do what you need to do, what you should do, and even (when time permits), what you want to do its those things that don't have places... trying to speak up and make themselves heard when you got no meeting scheduled and no appointments booked for them, they can't get through your secretary... that's when they flag you down in the parking lot... Sarah: ha.. With a baton. Ryan: damn right

Terror
This terrifying operation involved the call of ZAX. Although its use of the triangle had more in common with a ceremonial evocation, that element was key. On Easter Sunday the Cancer-Capricorn axis was on the horizon, appropriately enough, at around noon, and around midnight. At noon I did the usual Istar ritual and prayed for her guidance and protection in the work I was about to do. At midnight I began with the ninety-first Surah of the Quran, the Assiatic Archangel invocations, and reciting my oaths and taking up my weapons. I followed with the invocation of the Bornless One, taking a sacrament at the height of the ritual. I then walked in a clockwise circle and read Liber Ararita aloud three times before I did the call in English and G:.D:. Enochian (I have stopped using the latter in my regular practice, but I did the call that way when I originally did this ritual in 1999, so it seemed appropriate), producing the triangle, and doing the call again in English and Enochian. I knew what I was intending to evoke into the triangle. In the numerous follow-ups to the Enochian watchtower workings described elsewhere, which were mostly focused on the air of air and earth of air angels, the spirits elucidated the concept very clearly. After this initial ritual, I was haunted for a long time. I didnt know by what exactly, but I had the constant sense of presence, or being watched. Because I didnt know enough to begin the banishing/purification process at the time, I mostly just tried to blot out consciousness altogether for several years. I came to the watchtowers after I finally crashed hard enough to take the initiative to protect myself, began performing regular rituals, and generally keeping That Thing at bay. Their explanation, which is only an allegory but a fitting one, was that when I first peered into the abyss, I cast a shadow that developed a selfconsciousness of its own. If we Thelemites generally believe ourselves to be self-Willed beings, it is only reasonable to conclude that the totality of this self-creating Will-to-Live naturally concludes with the Will-to-Die. At the time, that terrified me. Although I wasnt conscious of it during the ritual, (I had no mystic experience whatsoever, just a very visceral physical one) according to the angels, that fear had come to life and taken on a sort of personality of its own. I had a name for it, and a face to put to it. They showed me its numerous characteristics, and seemed to think that my relationship to it was very important. What I was expecting was a mighty confrontation. A magical battle, on par with my astral confrontation with Magel, or the trials I had endured at Samaels hands. What did I get? What I saw was disgusting. Hideous. Deformed beyond deformity. It called to mind the picture of the black monkey Lilith dropping her feces in the Vision of ZON. But it wasnt hostile or confrontational. Quite the opposite. It seemed to yearn for acceptance and status. It was like a bowl of shit looking

up at me with puppy-dog eyes, asking Please, isnt there a place for a little bowl of shit in your big ol conception of the universe? I had just been reciting Liber Ararita, and the second chapter struck me with considerable force at that time. I came expecting a terrible contest of wills, and ended up feeling like kind of a bossy jerk. What happened next was sort of weird. What can you do? I wanted to know. I can be your liaison to the abyss! it responded with some enthusiasm. I dont need a liaison to the abyss! I insisted. What use would that be to me? What can be said in the abyss that I need to know? It fairly squirmed with enthusiasm. I can tell you about the Black Brothers! it said. I can tell you their names. I can tell you their secrets. I can make you strong against them. We know all about them here. My first thought was, thats not something that ever really comes up for me. My second thought was, yeah, not yet anyway But isnt it best to be prepared? We made a deal. I do the call and give this thing its say every Saturday. In return, it helps me with that particular problem. Ive done a couple of these rituals by now, and I have to say that theyve been pretty amazing. Normally, when I start having petty, egoistic, nasty, or otherwise diseased thoughts, I try to repress them. I think, These thoughts are unworthy of me. But its like a bug that gets bigger each time you step on it. Repression was feeding a potent inner hostility. This entity was continually helpful for a time. It was able to remove competitors, annoying co-workers, romantic rivals, and all the rest, usually the day after I asked it to. I left my old temple on Queen East in Toronto in January of 2011, and that is more or less when we broke contact. I was not comfortable trying to conjure this spirit in an improvised temple space. I am still in the process of consecrating my present temple, but when that work is complete I mean to re-establish contact. During these Saturday rituals I opened the aethyr and just sort of let it go off on whatever it was angry about that day. All about how I dont get everything I deserve because nobody understands how important I am and what I need and so on. It has been enlightening to watch this repressive instinct shift 180 degrees in my head. I found myself inwardly defending the people who I usually despise in my thoughts because I was, in this ritual, giving the focal point of consciousness free reign to attack them. I found myself excusing long-held grudges because instead of trying to stop myself from thinking about them, I intentionally dwelled on them until the pettiness of holding them became fantastically clear. In this respect, the entity has been incredibly helpful. It has become, in essence, the voice of negativity in my mind. And by giving it a place, and a say, in a ritual setting once a week, it becomes easy to dismiss when it arises at any other time. The voice that

once grew louder the more I tried to silence it now easily departs when I say, wait until your turn to speak. And when it does get its turn, I dont argue or talk back. I just let it go, and when its done, I ask it questions about the one subject I am interested in hearing it speak of. Note this also: virtually every prediction this entity made eventually came true. It would gloat, it would deride me, it would insult me, but it generally told the truth. It was simply thrilled to know before I did that something was going to go wrong, and things going wrong was generally its focus. By the time I learned to take its insults as oracles, although a great deal had gone wrong, I was grateful to know that I had a way of being forewarned about my own stupidity. It will always place the truth in an unpalatable light, but it never tells outright lies. At the culmination of each ritual, I strike an entire pack of matches and take a good whiff of sulphur. The moral of that story? ZAXs nature is to chatter. To endlessly fill the airwaves with vile and undecipherable nonsense. It can drive you out of your mind but to try to make it SHUT UP? Thats the wrong kind of abomination. It goes against the nature of the spiritual object in question. Throughout all of these Istar workings, the silver ring that had been my magical link to Lilith was mounted on the Will-symbol. (The term Will-Symbol refers to my favorite butt-plug) That Monday, I received a visit from a friend who was a metalworker. We made an agreement. On the following Tuesday and Friday, I devoted my energies with Istar to consecrating a portion of copper and gold in the cup on the altar. My friend blended them both with the ring, into a medallion that I would wear over the Ajna chakra in place of my old phylactery And then all the despair and physical discomfort suddenly stopped. The signing stopped. The shaking stopped. The pain stopped. I continued with my niyama for the next week, as required, but it was a simple joy to perform, with no effort or agony. My body had totally adjusted, my mind had totally adjusted, and I felt refreshed and cleansed. In the final ritual, Istar reminded me of my next task. I had only thought of going backwards from Baphomet, through Amoun, to Istar. I had forgotten what the next step would have to be. On April 19th, I prayed fervently to Raphael for his guidance and protection during my confrontation with Samael

Demonology 2009-04-24 10:44:00

This was written as an essay for general consumption that seems relevant here. As I began to communicate more frequently with my angel and familiar spirits the astral plane was beginning to feel closer to me. It was shocking. What I wrote here was a sort of reaction to that. It is extreme. Whenever we first notice something weve never noticed before it suddenly takes on paramount importance. Although I had been doing astral work for years at this point, I hadnt had this kind of clear apprehension of the direct relationship between what happens in the world of living symbols and how those symbols manifest themselves in events. Now, metapsychosis, which has been misinterpreted frequently, has a perfectly true side; for animal forms communicate their sympathetic impressions to the astral body of man, which reacts speedily on his lineaments according to the force of his habits. A man of intelligent and passive mildness assumes the inert physiognomy and ways of a sheep, but in somnambulism it is a sheep that is seen, and not a man with a sheepish countenance, as the ecstatic and learned Swedenborg experienced a thousand times. In the kabalistic book of Daniel the seer, this mystery is represented by the legend of Nebuchadnezzar changed into a beast, which, after the common fate of magical allegories, has been mistaken for an actual history. In this way, we can really transform men into animals and animals into men; we can metamorphose plants and alter their virtue; we can endow minerals with ideal properties: it is all a question of willing. -Eliphas Levi I thought about this passage a lot when I read Malachi Martins introduction to Hostage to the Devil. Martin is in the difficult position of confronting a real problem with occult forces. If you talk about the way these things actually manifest, it is hard to get people excited about it. Possessing entities often manifest their intentions through spontaneous human action. There is no massive satanic conspiracy in the literal sense of the word. But the same eyes that might see a sheepish man as a sheep, when turned to our culture, might see just that. Thelema, at its core, is about manifesting spontaneous human action in complete accordance with Will. The action is unconscious, not because consciousness of it has been repressed, but because its ways have been so thoroughly learned that one no longer needs to think about it. One is left to Reap and Rejoice! This is the reason, I think, that many Thelemites get caught up in Jungian psychology. Academically it has the same goals, it just tries to realize them through the therapeutic model, which makes it

dependent on victimhood. This means that the same alchemical process is reversed. Just as a toothache makes someone unusually conscious of their tooth, psychological dis-ease makes one unusually conscious of their emotions. Jungian psychology goes hunting down the roots of this dis-ease, much like a mad dentist who tries to make certain his patient will never suffer this condition again by pulling out all of his teeth. The ultimate goal of Jungian psychotherapy is to make the symbolic process conscious. To become conscious of symbols we first need to know how a symbol behaves when it is unconscious all the inhuman practices of savage rites and rituals as well as neurotic symptoms and perversions can be understood if we understand how the symbol functions unconsciously. The basic proposition is this: the unconscious symbol is lived but not perceived. -Edward Edinger, Symbols: The Meaning of Life, Spring 1962 Are we living in a culture filled with clandestine satanic cells, preparing unrecorded newborns for ritual sacrifice? No, not literally. But if you look at things in the astral light, that image might very well be the appearance of our civilization. The symbol of a culturally pervasive clandestine Satanism is truly lived but not perceived in the western media. We are constantly shown images that degrade not only our cultural perception of religion qua religion, (as entertainment) but also images that degrade our notion of humanity itself (advertising). Martin, like all Christians, doesnt really know how to deal with the spirit world. If you fight, if you attack, if you mock them there will be a clash. And of course it will get ugly. The cases he deals with are cases of deep possession, which is almost always reliant on some deep trauma. Thats the in a spirit has, to get settled enough to set up shop and take over a body. Some vital aspect of the life and the self is too horrible to be consciously acknowledged. The Will of the possessed consents to possession in exchange for the spirits complicity in keeping the secret buried. When the possessed comes into conflict with the possessor, that Scary Thing is brought to light, and invariably, they back down. The possessed then serves the spirit through any form of spontaneous unconscious action, sometimes self-destructive, sometimes seemingly benign. I say seemingly, because when you exist outside of time like these things do, you have a totally different relationship to the phenomena we call cause and effect. Actions that may have no apparent significance to us may, in fact, have dramatic effects we cant see. Which brings me to the more salient point. Human beings act spontaneously and unconsciously from motives of love all the time! Those are truly angelic acts, and if they occur under Will, truly Thelemic acts as

well. These are acts that serve to resolve the complexes that muddle existence. But human beings also act spontaneously and unconsciously from fear all the time too. Spontaneous acts of love usually come about because our love is so close to who we are that we cant see it. We are unconscious of it in the same way that the reaper in Liber LXV is unconscious of his muscles. When those acts come about because of fear, we are unconscious of those emotions because we have deliberately succeeded in avoiding them. That consciousness is threatening or disturbing to us. Sometimes those acts are as simple as glare, as casual word, a caustic rebuff, or something of that nature. But what is the butterfly effect? When we hide things from ourselves, we open ourselves up to occult forces. We create a disconnect between the perceived self and the authentic self, which is the in for a spirit that wants to accomplish something through us Levi and Crowley both insist that the devil isnt a real being, (i.e. one with a positive sense of existing, rather, it is the degradation or parody of another idea and therefore dependent on that idea to define it) and that evil is simply another way of saying error. That doesnt mean that demons dont exist to perpetuate that error, or that governing intelligence that is the personification of lies, qua lies, doesnt exist or isnt self-aware. The form of possession that can conceivably do the most damage is temporary. One spirit might do its meddling through numerous different people, leaping from body to body as long as the new host has the same repressed fear or desire. Cases of a spirit or spirits trying to hold down a single host are rare, simply because people capable of sustaining that kind of deep possession are rare. But in a culture in which spirituality is more or less a joke, a style, or a fad, and the demonic, certainly, is treated less seriously than a cartoon, things get a lot easier for these spirits. Even obvious manifestations of temporary or long-term possession are totally ignored, simply because the concept is considered insane. Qui bono? On the other side of the coin Lucifers side the belief that he does not exist at all is an enormous advantage that he has never enjoyed to such a great degree. It is the ultimate camouflage. Not to believe in evil is not to be armed against it. -Malachi Martin, Hostage to the Devil Crowley tells us, in his note on Liber V, the idea of evil existing independent of conditions is fatal to philosophy, and I think hes right about that. But thats not the same as saying that evil doesnt exist because conditions exist, dont they? This condition of error in the self, which is the gateway to demonic position, is essentially self at war with self.

A disconnect between the actual self and the idea of the self produces a gap into which an outside force can enter, and that force generates spontaneous unconscious action that perpetuates separateness, for thereby cometh hurt. There exists an ideology, which has for all practical purposes conquered the world, first through Christianity and later through liberal-democratic humanitarianism, which posits the human being as necessarily flawed. This is the doctrine of original sin in Christianity, and it is also the moral basis of democracy. If people werent inherently flawed, we could trust a king. No need to go over that again. So what am I saying here? Why is Martins view of the satanic western culture figuratively, if not literally, accurate? This idea, that we are inherently bad and wrong and can only remedy this by giving ourselves up to an external force is the PRECONDITION for demonic possession. It is also the fundamental premise of the dominant global ideology. It is taught by nihilistically violent movies, video games, and television, it is taught by Priests and Pastors, it is taught by teachers and professors, it is the BASIS of advertising, and it is also, let me say it again, the fundamental premise of the dominant global ideology. Thats what makes Martins picture accurate. Im sort of pontificating here, so let me bring this back down to earth. The last thing Id want to do is allow anyone to confuse, humans are not born bad and wrong, with humans are born perfect and never have to improve because theyre wonderful, special, and great just the way they are. That is bullshit as well. So wheres the line? is a good question to keep in mind. These things arent going away. You can cast them back into their dwelling places, but as long as human insecurity and self-loathing exists, theyll return. Cure the human insecurity and self-loathing, and you stop the problem at the source. Martins church, and others, is more closely aimed at perpetuating this insecurity. All a demon needs to do is throw on a Jesusmask and they can tell witless Christians, who would never think to try and verify a spiritual communication, to do whatever it wants them to. As secularism becomes more deeply entrenched, ironically, people become more susceptible to occult forces. Occult forces gain more power and influence. Thelema is aimed at teaching us to master those forces so is this good fairy or a bad fairy?

Liaison to the Abyss 2009-06-07 02:32:00

The first thing that caught my attention about this thing was the 180degree turn of the tendency of thought. When 230 (his number) attacks someone close to me using my own fears about that person, even though I may dwell on those fears in normal states of anxiety, I find myself finding explanations and excuses for behaviors and events that I had been previously unwilling to explain or excuse. Having someone ELSE attack these people in the way that I myself had been suspicious of them made my own fears seem petty and dull. Its not that he doesnt get to me from time to time, but as long as I follow the rules and abide in silence, hes got nowhere to go. More troubling than having 230 dwell on my fears has been having 230 dwell on my ambitions. After the first try didnt work, it went the other way and started telling me about how I deserved MORE. That I wasnt getting the respect, recognition, power, and wealth that I DESERVE. This has helped me to figure out where I make the distinction between ambition and entitlement. As time goes on, 230 has gotten a lot deeper. Beginning with very obvious sources of anxiety (which got repetitive for a while) the entity has begun to learn subtlety. This increases its value to me FANTASTICALLY. It always uses a little of the truth to lie, and some of those are truths that I really needed to hear that wouldnt have figured out on my own. Im looking forward to seeing where this process eventually takes me. I get the sense that it will end when I attain to Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel, (this turned out to be false, another symptom of the pernicious attitude that, once I solve this riddle everything just gets awesome and the hard shit ends. I should have known better at the time, after all I had been through, but this idea is a difficult one to shake) in the meantime, the thing is enlightening, to say the least.

Interlude
I performed a Goetic evocation of Seere. It was a dramatic success. Shortly after the working, my brother and his girlfriend (who lived in Toronto) got an offer to take their puppet show on tour of the U.S. and China. They needed someone to take over their Queen St. apartment. I jumped at the chance. On June 21 2009 I wound up in Toronto with one months rent, no job, and no contacts. Sasha lived outside of the city where the rent was cheap, but I was living in an expensive area. Luckily for me I found a decent job at a new pub that was only a three-minute walk from my new apartment almost right away. I didnt realize how lucky this was. Since then Ive learned how hard it is to find a job OR an apartment in this city, and the miraculous character of these events becomes more impressive to me each time I have had to confront those things.

The Majesty of Dread Amoun Ra

As the third Amoun Ra working progresses into the fourth week, Im already starting to see striking results. This is a description of the modified method Ive been using. The second Amoun Ra working was intended as a celebration of thanks to the God for placing me in a position of power and authority at my previous job, and this has been an attempt to re-focus that energy into my new job, and my life in Toronto. Schedule: for Jul 13 Aug 6 Sunday - Invocation of Istar, casting of Yi King for an indication of how to proceed re: our arrangement from Sunday to Friday (Saturday, the day of rest, is exempt from these considerations) Monday Wednesday - Standard Amoun Ra invocation. This was different for each of the four weeks, see below. Thursday Progressed Amoun Ra invocation. For week one, the Thursday invocations were the pattern to be standard on week two, for week two, the Thursday invocation reflected what would be standard on week three, and so on. Friday Invocation of an Archangel (Auriel) whose nature is to equilibrate the Jupiterian force of Amoun Ra by the path of the ROTA on the plane of Assiah, using a new spelling revealed to me by Samael. I suspect that this will come to be a tremendously significant part of the results of the work. Saturday A meeting with my liaison to the abyss, throughout which I would abide in silence, and conclude by ordering 230 to attack whoever was presenting an obstacle to me at the time. Week One Standard: Surah 91 of the Quran, stanzas 1-10 Invocation of the ten Assiatic archangels, visualizing the color of their sephirot flaring in the sky with a beam descending to touch the part of my body associated with that sephirot in the Naples arrangement of the tree of life, asking that they bless me as I come forth to invoke the Awful Power of Dread Majestic Amoun Ra. Next came the grand Invocation of Jupiter by the Unicursal Hexagram, following by chanting the name of the God and tracing a spiral horn inward with the right hand for air and fire, and moving outward with the left hand for earth and water. At each quarter it was proclaimed Let the powers of Amoun Ra come forth from the * direction * and be made one with my heart and my blood by the sign of the holy six-fold star, and in the word ARARITA. This was followed by a regular pentagram invocation following the Star Ruby formula (but with Hebrew angels instead of Greek spirits I have personal connections with the former but have never met the latter so it

seems silly to call on them). At the end it was proclaimed the powers of Amoun Ra have been made one with my five-pointed human form by the power of the pentagram, and the Lords of the New Aeon. I then recited the oaths of my grades, the oaths to the God and the Goddess, the unspeakable oath, and a declaration of my Will to attain to the mystery of Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. Afterward, I partook of the substance created in the third Baphomet working, and made a sacrifice that was consumed that the power of the God might die, and be born again within my body by the mystery of IAO. Week Two Standard Also the Progressed Thursday invocation of week one. As above, with a recitation of Cap III of Liber VII preceding the sacrifice. Week Three Standard Also the progressed Thursday invocation of week two. As above, but with a full recitation of Liber Ararita (with appropriate gestures for each chapter) between the Hexagram and Pentagram invocations. On Thursday of week three, I switched things up. Around noon, I would do a simple recitation of Surah 91, the Archangel invocation as described, the oaths, partaking of the substance, and making the sacrifice. Around midnight, I did a second, more complex operation, reflecting the standard from week two. After the Pentagram invocation, I recited the Edicts of Amoun Ra given to me in the very first Amoun Ra invocation, the rest as before. For Week Four: Noon 91, Archangels, Liber VII cap III, Edicts 1-4, Oaths/ Sub./ Sac. Midnight 91, Archangels, Liber VII cap III, Edict of the day (i.e. first on Monday, second Tuesday, etc.) and a recitation in song of verse four of Liber Ararita, caps I-VII. In other words, making the fourth verse of all those chapters into a single invocation, blending them according to whatever spiritual insight I received upon reciting the edict of the day. Followed by a Paen delivered from the heart, reflecting whatever had been understood. Oath/ Sub./ Sac. When I first received those edicts I was not certain what they meant. Now, after a few days of reciting them, they have become clear. Their power to connect me to the God, being as they were a personal revelation intended by him for me, is quite profound. Note that, when I first received them, I did not rank the Edicts much higher than gibberish for all intents and purposes. These events took place five

years later, and I was only then beginning to grasp the full import of what the God was trying to tell me, which would not have been possible if I decided that I already knew what the Edicts meant.

D.L. 2009-08-21 15:08:00

I find myself unable to do much other than work in the temple and work on my stories. Ive been spending most of my time in the temple. For the last forty or fifty days (Im not doing the math right now) Ive made sure to perform two or three full ceremonies a day, always including the invocation of the Bornless One with the invocation of Kundalini from Cap I of Liber LXV. It seemed that the tenth day of the month was significant for me. March 10 was the day I was to have my first Samael confrontation in 2005, Dec. 10 my second, Feb. 10 was the day of the ninth full moon of the archangelic working on which I destroyed my black box, (I never fully described this very long ritual. Long story short, I worked up a great current of energy over a long period of time, totally lost control of it, and wound up having to destroy all of the materials I used in the rituals) Mar. 10 of this year was the day Istar dissolved Liliths hold over me, April 10 was the day I admitted my physical problem, May 10 the day of my last initiation, June 10 the day of my circumcision, July 10 the first day of my new job etc. I began preliminary invocations to prepare for this work on August 10 of this year. Ill briefly note, because it seems relevant, my opening ritual to every ceremony that I perform in the temple is the same. I keep the door closed, and stand outside. I recite my oaths to the figure of Christ and take down the cross, placing it around my neck. I knock 418 on the door before entering the temple and begin with Surah 91 and the invocation of the Assiatic Archangels. The cross will be destroyed and replaced with an image of a gold and silver serpent entwined that will be consecrated by the angel. (This object was a replica of Auryn, the medallion that appears in the terrible film based on the wonderful book, The Neverending Story. Throughout the period of the HGA working I studied this text assiduously, reading long passages of it out loud to myself as a way of preparing for rituals) As a preliminary, I spent the period of time until Sept. 18 performing the invocation of the Bornless One once a day in addition to my regular work, and making a point of looking into the Egyptian/Hebrew/Hindu predicates for the imagery of Liber LXV. There were a total of 36 invocations, keeping Saturday as a day of rest, and I performed the ritual three times on the last day. This used up the last of the substance that I created during Dec. 1-21 of last year (2008) during the Baphomet working. During this time, I figured out my method. For the six months of the D.L. period I organized each month into four-week chunks connected to a different grade, and focused on different aspects of my various oaths over each. So one week I would take note of my dreams, one week I would take note of sexual activities and desires, one week I would note any injury or restriction, and one week I would simply record everything that gave me nourishment. The idea was to harmonize the grades and come to understand of how these four things were one.

For the weeks after Aug 10, until Oct. 10, when I would begin the HGA work, I proceeded thusly: Sunday would be a recital of Cap V of Liber LXV, and a thorough read-through of the commentary. Monday was Cap. I, Tuesday Cap. II, etc. Saturday was a day of rest, as always, and on Friday I particularly focused on the three major parables of Liber LXV, namely, that of the woman and the river, that of the Dolphin and the Piper, and that of the Cerestes and the Hummingbird. Around the end of September, I mixed it up a little bit. I devised a system to randomly select thirteen verses of Liber LXV at a time for the subject of each days study using the die that I keep to represent the authority of Pure Chance in my temple. The first roll determines the chapter, with six being used to select the chapter relevant to the day of the week as per the previous system. The second roll would select one of the five thirteen verse segments of each sixty-five verse long chapter, with six indicating that a new chapter should be selected by the previous method. In doing this I noticed that, with only a few discrepancies, Liber LXV divides its narrative into thirteen verse chunks.

The Method
The Grade of Adeptus Minor is the main theme of the instructions of the A.'. A.'. It is characterised by the Attainment of the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. This is the essential work of every man; none other ranks with it either for personal progress or for power to help one's fellows. This unachieved, man is no more than the unhappiest and blindest of animals. He is conscious of his own incomprehensible calamity, and clumsily incapable of repairing it. Achieved, he is no less than the co-heir of gods, a Lord of Light. He is conscious of his own consecrated course, and confidently ready to run it. The Adeptus Minor needs little help or guidance even from his superiors in our Order. -Aleister Crowley, One Star in Sight When one first takes the oath of the Neophyte and begins the A:.A:. work in earnest, one is taught the value of the magical oath, and that all of ones work in the outer college is undertaken with the specific intent of eventually attaining to the mystery of knowledge and conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. That means that when formulating the oath for every serious magical working. This is a process in which the magician identifies himself, remarks upon notable events in his spiritual career, and basically explains why the powers hes calling on should grant him the authority hes asking for over the spirit thats useful to him. Its the same principle as invoking a spirit by describing its qualities, its role in the grand scheme of things, and using its correct name/image/sigil. As a member of the Outer College of the A:.A:., one is always careful to affirm that the ultimate purpose of the ritual (whatever else may be gained) is to help the magician attain to the mystery of knowledge and conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel. Ive begun to realize the practical utility of this approach in the last few weeks. My paen to the angel has been to reiterate the major events of my magical career (at the corners appropriate to the elemental attributions of the grades of the outer college) of which I always affirmed had the ultimate purpose of bringing me to precisely the time and place Im at now, to do this particular work. This has the effect of invoking the full karmic force of ones initiation and bringing it to bear on the subject at hand, making failure unthinkable. Lately, Ive managed to harmonize the events of each grade into a single litany that combines them all toward one purpose. The oath that I have repeated over and over, both in the temple and without, is basically a summary of the last six years of my life after I self-initiated into the A:.A:. in February, 2004. It goes like this:

I, Frater Alpha Nu Phi, Adeptus Minor of the Outer College, do swear to Dream (1=10), to Desire (2=9), to Bind (3=8), to Hunger (4=7) to Conquer Fear with Love (Agape Nikon Phobos), and to be a Well (Hexagram 48) of Power unto the Warriors of Istar, and in so doing to complete the work of Amoun-Ra in this incarnation, and in so doing to Samael oath, and in so doing to attain to the mystery of knowledge and conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. For pure Will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from lust for result, is in every way perfect. After going into the temple (knocking 418 on the door before entering) I would recite Surah 91 of the Quran, invoke the ten Assiatic Archangels by color and Sephirot, and give the elaborated version of this oath. Here is an example of one quarter. I, Frater Legere, Practicus of the Outer College am sworn to Bind, and to obtain control of the vacillations of my being. I who learned the secret of withholding from Dread Majestic Amoun-Ra, and declared the four edicts of that God to the four corners of the earth, I who invoked Baphomet for seventy-seven days to obtain his obscene wisdom and consecrate my cup unto our Lady of Abominations, I who began to build the cross of suffering upon the pyramid of Ath-QIN under the guidance of the angel Azrael, I who sought a temple from the kings of the watchtowers, I who entrusted the Ark of my Covenant with the Goddess Istar to the Archangel Raphael, I Frater Legere, Practicus of the outer college am sworn to Bind, and to attain to the mystery of knowledge and conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. It is not necessary to go into detail about each quarter, as you can see, this paen summarizes the significant events in the career of that particular magical identity. By identifying all four characters, and harmonizing them by the ritual of the pentagram, the significance of the Dominus Limnus and Adeptus Minor grades, and making the transition into the invocation of the Bornless One, I am bringing the GRAVITY of all the work Ive done over the past six years to bear on this particular task. There is no standardized method for invoking the HGA, but as far as general principle that can apply to everyones work, I think this is one you would be hard-pressed to beat.

The Face of an Angel and a Tour of Hell 2010-03-01 17:24:00

Here we come to the climax. What came before was building toward this night, and what came after was a response to it. The occult community is filled with halfwit wannabe magicians who drool out impotent revelations of uninspiring banalities. At this point in the text I would hope that it is clear to my readers exactly how much work, sacrifice, dedication, and in some cases, pure luck, it took to get me to the place where I was able to receive this vision. Were talking about three solid months of daily invocation following seven years of study, practice, and initiation. Day 90 This was the day I had been dreading. This was the day that I was supposed to have a vision of my angel. To see his face for the first time and enjoy his knowledge and conversation. If it didnt work, what then? How much time had I wasted? I had everything pretty much organized around doing the Work with as little distraction as possible. What if I just wound up sitting there looking into an empty mirror? My dick was truly in the wind. Im not ashamed to admit that it made me nervous. I did the ritual and set up my table of practice. What I first saw in the mirror was very clearly the back of my own head. The image I was being presented with was myself in a black robe, speaking over my shoulder back at me, so I could not possibly confuse it with my reflection. This is how I will appear to you, he said. I am to be your guide, and so obviously, I resemble you. Thats not really obvious to me, I replied. I was confused. I could see the image visually, so clearly that it was stunning. But I didnt buy it. It didnt make sense. Why would my angel have the same face as me? Slow down, he said. Look, it makes sense that I should look like you, because I need to see with your eyes. So when you see me, you see your own face. Make sense? No, I said. Not really. There had been a few times throughout the working that I had been communicating with my angel and become intensely stubborn and difficult. There were some things he could tell me directly, but more complicated ideas were indicated through a series of numbers. He had been using a few numbers consistently as markers for different concepts or revelations. Four or five times in the ninety days I had spent building up to this event, I had flatly denied the validity of everything he was showing me, only to wake up the next morning, check my notebook, and discover that the numbers were totally right. For whatever reason, imperfect concentration being the most likely culprit, I seemed to completely forget certain associations and

completely overlook very obvious patterns until I had left the temple and settled my mind. These experiences cast a shadow of doubt over my denials. I was not sure of myself any more. What made it a hundred times worse was the fact that I could literally SEE this face in the mirror. It wasnt an astral vision. It had the harsh glare of reality, appealing to the physical senses. But this wasnt a misinterpretation of abstract numbers. This was direct contact. Look, the angel said, I just look like you. Get over it. This is how it works for you. But in spite of my doubts, I could not accept this. It didnt feel right. So I said, no way, man. And then, after I denied him three times, I saw his real face. Not with my physical senses, but to my astral eyes he appeared. He was clearly of central Asian descent. A large man, with wide, flat hands and feet, and broad shoulders like a wrestler. He had a big belly, bulging muscles, and many indecipherable tattoos. His face was divided. His mouth was a tiny, hardened slit that looked angry, but his eyes were crinkled with laugh lines of joy. I found that, when I looked at his face, I couldnt focus on both at once. If I looked at his mouth, he seemed full of rage. If I looked at his eyes, he seemed very happy. He never moved his lips when he spoke. His head was shaved, except for a very long braid gathered into a knot at the back. I dont know what I was expecting exactly, but that really wasnt it. For some reason his gut bothered me, maybe because of my own slender vanity. Were not the same person, he told me offhandedly, I just know things that you need to know. And I like to eat! You dont. He explained the method for the next days operation. I was to take the Hebrew names of the Seven Hells in Liber 777 and trace them on the Rosy Cross. After anointing these seven sigils, he would guide me through the Seven Hells to perform the signs that he would show me on each one. In response, the plane would cough up a glyph, an image of itself, which I was to draw on the back of the paper sigils that I had traced on the Rosy Cross. After completing this task and returning to my body, I was to burn all seven, beginning with Sheol, in my little candle explaining WHAT it was that I was destroying by fire based on my experiences there. I went to every possible effort to forget every preconceived notion about Hell I had from my studies. With the exception of Bar Shacath, which I had visited before, I wanted to be as fresh as possible for this experience. Because my knowledge of Bar Shacath came from actually having traveled there with the help of the archangel Raphael, I wasnt worried about that too much.

Day 91 Layer Seven This place was just disgusting. It was all flesh without skin, raw nerves and open wounds. My angel told me that the word for this place was INFECTION. These are the maggots feeding and breeding in the putrefying wound of creation, he explained. This is the surface of Hell. Practically in contact with your world, but just out of reach of your natural senses. I would find it difficult to describe the entities I saw there, but it was pretty crowded. It was a circus of ugliness. This was the garbage of the astral, the outcast and unfit, but everyone seemed to be having fun. It was like watching a semilobotomized person playing with their own shit. It sort of turns your stomach, but hes clearly having a good time. The strange sense of glee there was, my angel told me, the madness of a fever dream. I made myself invisible (I was still using the astral robe I had received during the Cherubic working) to avoid having to deal with the grinning organcreatures that wanted to distract me with various feats of gross, but there wasnt really much to see there. But they all wanted my attention. They seemed excited to have a visitor. This is an open sore, my angel said. Once you understand that, there isnt much else to get out of this place. I made the signs, obtained the symbol, and prepared for the next layer. Layer Six What I didnt notice about this place right away was the noise. I saw dark, strangely beautiful caves of ice. I somehow knew that there was no surface above us, just infinite frozen rock. My angel told me later that, because I saw beauty and darkness, I imagined silence as well. In reality, the caves shrieked with raging winds. My own mind had shouted down my astral senses, he said, by associating those ideas with silence. After I had spent some time exploring and got used to the place, I became very sharply aware of the cacophony. As I looked more closely, I could see images of human suffering. Pain, despair, horror, and so on, all trapped in the ice. They were really quite disturbing at times. As we traveled deeper, we saw little demons mining with picks and shovels. They brought up the images and carried them away. I turned to my angel and said, with great unintentional comedy, this place is creepy as hell. He gave me a look. Dont say it, I tried not to laugh. The corny joke did, however, lighten my mood a bit. The atmosphere of this place was totally different from the seventh layer. It was terribly solemn. My angel explained, All human suffering, from the beginning of time to the end, is in this mine. The miners are demons that rule certain hours of the day and days of the week. They are in charge of manifesting that suffering, so when theyre not on duty, they labor here to bring up the images that they have to make real. Theyre not bad exactly, because all of this suffering is beautiful and necessary. This is the place where its stored for use in time

and space. As the demons became aware of us, my angel began to get nervous. We cant stay long, he said, it isnt safe for you here. Youre too emotional and theyre bound to find something to distract you. Even as he said those words, I saw one demon approaching me triumphantly with an image of myself. I recognized it immediately. It had already happened, but the demon was taunting me, saying that he was now going to MAKE it happen. Its the past for you, my angel warned me. You cant change it now. This was good sense. But even so, I was torn. I had been, as my angel feared, emotionally affected. I remembered how miserable I had been on that day, and some part of me felt like it would be worth anything to stop it from happening. I knew it was ridiculous, and that I should get out of there, but I hesitated. In the end I made the right choice. I made the signs, obtained the glyph, and we left. The place has potential, though. If I ever want to know something about someone who was suffering, or who had suffered, or who was going to suffer, I now know where to look for that information. Layer Five This place was like a kick in the nuts that lasted forever. It was at once a shrieking, sour note of angry music, a blasting flame, a physical blow, and pure relentless panic. There isnt as much to say about it, simply because it was so simple. You know how you feel in the moment that you realize something truly awful has happened? The two or three seconds of pure helplessness before your mind starts working again and you begin to figure things out and think rationally? This place stretched those two or three seconds out into eternity. This is the absolute opposite of union with God, my angel explained. Its a total rejection. It blasphemes Nietzsche. It is a great NO to all things. In spite of the fact that there was really nothing to see, we stayed there for a long time. It was so hard to concentrate that I had great difficulty making the signs to obtain the glyph. Even once I had, finding the way back was almost impossible. It was very difficult, even with all of the work Ive done to this end, to focus under those conditions. I was frustrated. I had already spent longer in my astral body than I am accustomed to. I tend to approach astral travel like Christmas shopping at the mall. That is, I know what I want when I go in, I get it, and I get out as fast as humanly possible. I dont like to spend too much time in such places, especially when they are enjoyable and the temptation to linger is strong. This place certainly wasnt that, but I had a long way to go yet. I needed my energy. At one point I was so frustrated that I, again with great unintentional comedy, blurted out, JESUS CHRIST, and the whole place went quiet for a moment.

My angel was not happy. Dont throw that name around here, he warned me. Were just tourists. Lets not upset the locals too much. He had a point. I remembered my mantra (why I wasnt using it before escapes me, I was pretty disoriented) and we got out. Layer Four In many ways, as we will see when looking at the ritual work I did after obtaining knowledge and conversation of my angel, this would be the most important part of the vision. In a sense, this answers the question implicit in the final working I did before closing my temple in Fredericton and moving to Toronto. The layer started to reveal itself slowly. Little blue lights zigzagged in absolute darkness. I saw faces in anguish, but they were pure white like photographs in negative. It was some time of wandering around blind in the dark before the full force of the layer revealed itself. Ive dealt with demons a lot, so I know that they tell stories. Demons LOVE to tell stories. You can ask three different demons the same question and get three totally different, extraordinarily long-winded, answers. Theyll talk nonsense for hours if you let them. In all my years of dealing with these entities, there was only ONE consistent thing that they all seemed to agree on. This was what made the vision of the fourth layer so absolutely chilling. They all claimed that they liked to lead the souls of the recently dead astray. Reincarnation was the ideal next step, but they tried to mess with that when they could. They would brag to me that atheists and fundamentalists were the easiest to bully into coming with them. Atheists because they were absolutely confused by the experience of awareness after death, and fundamentalists because all they had to do was to show them whatever they expected, and they would follow without question. Those lost souls, as my angel called them, wound up here. Not as some punishment for the life that they lead, but because of one or two bad choices that they made in the very short time between death and reincarnation. Nice, eh? Lifes not fair. We all know that. It turns out that, according to what I saw next, death isn't fair either. As the vision began to become clearer, I could see people. They were all totally covered with pitch and had their eyes torn out. My angel said, They can feel nothing through the blackness, and see nothing without eyes. They have only ears, that they might hear lies, and tongues, that they might tell them. Then, with the terrible off-key note of a rusty trumpet, the Four Great Devils were revealed. At first they seemed to be part of one mound that had with four faces pointing in different directions. After that I encountered them individually, one by one, but the implication was that they were all part of the same thing (it would be accurate to say that they are the vines and Choronzon is the root).

They were a parody, the letter that betrays the spirit, law without justice, truth used to spread terrible lies. First came Leviathan in the guise of Allah. His followers consorted in the most reprehensible orgy of sex and violence. They moved with frantic energy, rapid and forceful, but when they spoke they droned like wasps exhausted by autumn. Each was lost in a mock paradise, unaware of their surroundings. They all think that theyre concealed, my angel said, they dont know theyre in the same mass of humanity, and they cant feel their bodies, so they dont know what the others are doing to them. A thousand serpent heads writhed around a cloud of insects that formed a central mass that you might call a body. The swarm seemed to pulsate with a constant, roiling motion. GOD IS ONE AND WE ARE GOD, the thousand heads shrieked in unison. GOD IS ONE AND THEY ARE GOD, the lost souls cried in response. Next I saw Satan. He was surrounded by masses of worshippers all vying for his attention. They sought to prove themselves worthy of love through various acts of self-abuse. We are shamed! We are sinners, they cried in their efforts to gain his favor, as they cut, burned, and beat themselves before him. He was smiling with delight. He knew that these were little images of God under his power. By inspiring them to torture and deny themselves, he mocks God. Our eyes met. He said nothing, but we were thinking the same thing. There was a time that I would have laughed at this. There was a time that I would have found this image to be absolutely hilarious. When I actually saw the awful poetry of his pure repulsiveness, I felt sick to my stomach. My body shook for a long time. I wanted to leave but my angel would not let me. Then Lucifer appeared. He was a shadow wreathed in light, always turning, but never really facing me. He was too bright to look at directly for more than a few seconds, but there was a core of darkness to that light, like the center of a candle. This light was electric blue and cold. His worshippers all seemed lost in their own little worlds. He was perfectly smug as he explained this to me. They think that they have reincarnated as Gods, he explained. They chose the wrong guides. Now I keep them here. I dont care about the shadows. Only the stars are good enough for me. I keep them here so they cannot take their places for The End. I have no interest in going to some lake of fire. How many do you have? I asked. In a very strange way he seemed more evil than the other two. He had a goal, which was to prevent creation from realizing its purpose, which is very much in tune with the idea of evil as error. Leviathan and Satan just seemed to want to be adored and to mock the religions they had chosen as the basis for their cults. Ten thousand of the hundred and forty four, he answered, casually. Its enough. Its not like anybodys coming to rescue them. I was about to ask him a question, but my angel gave me a well talk later, look.

Next came Belial. He was slow, and impossibly fat. He the most chatty of the four. We made small talk for some time. I noticed that all of his worshippers were lying; stretched out, face down, on the ground. I asked him about this and his face burst into a greasy leer. They wanted nothingness. Nirvana, he said. They asked me for it. They practically begged to be destroyed. But I dont like to be told what to do. So I make them wait. He laughed and laughed, so many of them spent so much time sitting around doing nothing for their whole lives, and calling THAT holy, he slapped his belly with glee. It seems only fitting that I should make them sit around and do nothing for all time. They all think that in just ONE MORE SECOND, theyll be out. Theyll be done. Theyll be nothing. Any of them could just stand up and walk away, he chortles, but because of their training and discipline, they never do. They just missed the point. Completely missed the point. This is a pure jest, is it not? I took that as a rhetorical question. After the next part of the vision, we made the signs and left. My angel told me, this is the end of excrement. The rest is the source. Layer Three I knew this place well. I had come here for my confrontation with the archangel Samael in December of 2005. The main area of the plane was a gigantic palace, surrounded by a fantastic material that was at the same time water, fire, and stone. My angel flew me over it to the castle. The guards recognized me, and I went inside. I was kind of nervous. I thought you were friends, my angel said. Whats the problem? Lets go say hi. This guy is trouble, I replied. Friend or not. You worry too much, he said. Samael had been showing me a way to reinterpret the Garden of Eden myth so we were in pretty regular contact before I started the HGA working. When I entered the throne room, I noticed that Purson was there as well, opening a bottle of wine. They seemed to be expecting me. So youve seen the filth, Samael said. You have to understand, the Four Great Devils are not personalities or people. Theyre phenomena. Thats all. They seem to have personalities, but theyre the personalities of ideas, not microcosms. We, the initiated Kings of Hell who inhabit this plane, cause them to exist by our work. I know, I said. Because youre the blinding venom, right? Because you cause people to see the truth in little parts, so they dont grasp its completeness, and then they go all crazy with little irrelevant details. The brightest light, he said, echoing the first words he ever spoke to me with a cruel smile, casts the deepest shadow (I had not read Goethe, and was totally unaware of the fact that this was a quote. I remained unaware of it until a friend pointed it out to me much later. Frankly I was disappointed

because it sounded really cool and I thought I could claim it as my own). He accepted a glass of wine from Purson. Below us is the realm of lies, he explained, here it is the truth that drives you mad. There is no lying here. We do Gods work. Doubt it not. Without the challenges that we create the power of truth would be meaningless. Without concealment and misdirection, no Revelation is possible. Hells aristocracy dwells here. You should visit us more often, Purson said, with a glint in his eye. We havent talked for so long. Sit down. Stay a while. I dont think we can, I said, but my angel broke in. We have time, he said, and poured himself a glass of wine. I see youve moved to Toronto, as I told you would have to, Purson observed. Why didnt you go when I told you to go? I would have missed too many opportunities, I said. I learned a lot in the last year and a half I spent at the Rogue. Even so, Purson said, but does not finish his sentence. Hes right, said Samael. You should visit us more often. From here you can hold the reins of the lie itself! Who knows? You might like it so much that youll never want to leave. The cruel smile remained. My angel looked at me, and I looked at him. You know, he said, I think I was wrong. We should probably be going. You guys are creepy! I added, trying to keep a cheery note in my voice. Mr. Church always told me to try to find entities like this cute if they become intimidating. This is sometimes difficult, and I would never want to confuse find them cute, with be condescending, but I find that, in any situation, a little joke can lighten the tension. You guys are creepy, isnt much of a joke (you would have to hear it, because I said it as though it was only just now occurring to me, when in reality it had been the only thing I was thinking of as we approached the palace) but under the circumstances it sufficed to allow me to keep my calm. Creepy as hell, I echoed my formally unintentional joke with purpose. My angel smirked. We do come through for you though, Purson reminded me. Never forget that. Youre right, I admitted. In fact, I know a lot of nice, likeable, fun people in my life who never do what they say they will. Exactly, Purson said. Creepy or not, we keep our word. When I did the signs to get the glyph for that plane, they both did them with me. On the way back across the ocean/flames/rocky plain, I said to my angel, what was that back there? You keep expecting me to be omniscient, he complained. Ive never met those guys before. They seemed all right until we sat down and they started getting all, children of the corn on you. (Ive never seen the movie so I dont exactly know what that means, but I think I have the general idea.) I knew that would happen, I said. Is it just that Samael is an angel too,

and he makes more sense to you than me? Maybe, my angel said. But I doubt it. Ive just never met them before so I didnt know what to expect. I knew that would happen, I repeated. You worry too much, he said once again. Layer Two Abbadon. Literally, destruction. I never could have guessed how it would show itself to me. First it was dark. Just dark. Infinite blackness. In the distance I saw a light, and began moving towards it. It was a single, slender, white candle. In its light there sat a girl, about two years old, totally naked. She appeared to me in a dress, but my angel assured me that she was naked. Youre afraid of sexualizing a child, he told me, so you imagine the dress. Trust me, shes naked. The girl reached into thin air and pulled out little paper images. Some were of people, some of mountains, some of animals, some of cities, some of buildings, some of objects, and so on. She lit them, one by one, in the fire, and squealed with delight as they smoked away into nothingness. A child forever playing with fire who never burns herself, my angel whispered in my ear. This is pure destruction. It is pure, because she is innocent. The joy she experiences is absolutely perfect joy, unmarred by any malice, hatred, or spite. I felt strangely moved by watching her. She seemed very happy. When I did the signs to obtain the glyph, she looked up at me, smiled brightly, and said, Io, Pan! We have to go back to the tower and talk, my angel said. We have to get out of here. Why? I asked. She seems fine. She smiled at us. She has little paper images of us in there as well, My angel insisted. Shes noticed us. Its not fine. We have to leave. Like now. So we left. I was exhausted. I had been doing this for almost four hours. Thats like a REALLY long time for me. I try to keep sessions below an hour, twenty to forty minutes being ideal. But I pressed on. We came to the deepest pit of Hell. Layer One This was the most impersonal personal Hell I could imagine. Visually, it could have been out of a Warner Brothers cartoon, with the deep hole carved in rock, the fire everywhere, and endless stairways, except for one thing. I was the only one there. Hell is usually depicted as a pretty crowded place. But I was totally alone. Come on, my angel said. We have to get to the bottom.

And so we did. And what was there? Satan trapped in ice? A great puppet master devil? A lake of fire? Nothing. Just a pit. Almost, but not quite, bottomless. At the bottom there was nothing but bare ground and a circular rock wall. Everyone who comes here is here alone, my angel explained. This Hell cannot be shared. It is death. The grave. It is a pit in which to await the lake of fire. This is where Ariel brought the angels who taught men magick and gave rise to the Nephlim. There is no ruler of Hell beyond the aristocracy of Bar Shacath. It is pure silent loneliness, without even the sensation of pain or the companionship of a torturer to break the monotony. This was, indeed, the deepest pit. I wanted to write my initials on the wall. I dont know why. I guess Im really, deeply stupid, but my inner tourist was like, dude, this is the bottom of the world! Make your mark! You really, seriously, dont want to do that, my angel said. You dont want to leave any trace of yourself here. Especially not your name. I half-heartedly argued with him for a bit, but I sort of knew how idiotic I was being. Still, part of me just couldnt let it go, so we had it out for a while. This was THE BOTTOM, man! This was like IT. The lowest of the low. And I was there! Yeah, I know, Im shaking my head too. OH WHATEVER. After the miserable assault on my self-esteem, the kick in the nuts, the four great jerks, the children of the corn, and the creepiest little girl ever (whose vagina was concealed my from my natural senses by my deepest unconscious) I was feeling pretty giddy. And now I had made it to the end. But it was what? A hole? Just an empty hole? I got the glyph and left. And I came back to my body. I finished the ritual, but it wasnt over.

Part IV: The Life Cycle of a Butterfly

Finally, pleasure and pain themselves must be mingled in a Chymical Marriage of their own. For possible elements of sensation must take part in the supreme Sacrament. To omit aught thereof would be to leave it imperfect and therefore evil; to exclude a guest from the Wedding Feast; to restrict the Universe in that particular dimension. -Aleister Crowley

The Four Watchtowers: Method

2010-06-22 08:55:00

In the course of this working I discovered how to incorporate the table of practice I constructed during my HGA work into the use of the Enochian keys. After weeks of trial and error, turning the table according to the planetary energies at play when I was doing the workings, I noticed that certain quarters consistently worked for certain sub-angles, and that only when I had the table turned to that quarter did I get any useful information from the spirit. It took me a while to figure out this connection. When I finally did realize what was going on, one of the Cherubs took me back through my notes and, miraculously, pointed out transcription errors I had made in previous skrying sessions. That is to say, he gave me four numbers I did not recognize, and four dates. When I went back and looked at workings on those dates, I discovered that each had a word that I had computed incorrectly (which Does. Not. Happen. Im very careful about this) and each of the four numbers matched the correct sum of the four erroneously calculated words. This, if nothing else, was fantastically impressive. The method of attributing sub-angles to the Grade mottos on the table required me to take 1=10 as east, and turn clockwise from there. This is not consistent with the elemental attributions of the grades found in Liber 777, but I found that the oaths I had taken for the tasks of the grades seemed to match up with these new elemental correspondences quite well. To Dream (1=10) for air makes sense, and To Desire (2=9) for fire also seems reasonable. To Hunger, (4=7) for water and To Bind (3=8) for earth suit the poetic expression of those elements. The order that they were to be arranged in didnt make sense to me at the time, but my angel was very specific about it, so I did what I was told. At any rate, the table was placed in the direction of the watchtower itself, and rotated to indicate the appropriate sub-angle. Once I got the hang of that part, things began to flow rather smoothly, although not by any means more quickly. I aimed for more frequent, shorter workings rather than less frequent longer ones. When I began working with ceremonial magick, I tried as much as possible to give the energies I had invoked time to fully realize themselves before I closed the circle and left the temple. What was really driven home by the results of my HGA working was that often my magick was far more effective at actually creating change in conformity with will when I left the temple almost immediately after invocation, and those forces had to find the time and space to manifest themselves in my life as I was living it. I have experimented with this method before, but I hadnt made it my primary approach to invocation. I should stipulate that evocation, astral work, and the charging of talismans are quite a different matter.

I began by reciting the oath of my grade and my oaths to the Gods, taking the serpent emblem from the door to the temple and knocking 3-5-3, 3-1-1 for the keyword to the temple, and another knock for the name of my angel. Then I entered the temple and recited the first ten stanzas of Surah 91 of the Quran. By the sun was said while donning the phylactery. By the day while constructing the circle. By the night as it conceals it when putting on my robe. By the soul and the proportion and order given to it was recited when lighting the single candle set between the black mirror and the quarter of the tablet I was working on. Next, I would invoke the ten Assiatic Archangels while visualizing the appropriate color filling the heavens and coming down in a bolt of lightning to strike the appropriate place on my body when vibrating the angels name. Unlike my use of this method previously, I gave the energy time to flow back up to Kether, visualizing the colors of each sephirot flaring out as it climbed toward the crown. Then I performed my Enochian Pentagram ritual, along with an oath to the forces of the Watchtowers, next I would read or recite the appropriate Enochian keys and say whatever prayers were necessary to bring the Cherub. The other aspect of the ritual was the sub-angle itself. I did not construct a full Watchtower, but rather consecrated the sub-angles piece by piece. After I got all the information I could out of each of the four Cherubs, and had prayed over and consecrated the sub-angle for anywhere between two and six weeks, I took a large piece of Styrofoam and glued the four consecrated sub-angles to it. I made the Seniors and Banner names out of the same material as the subangles and placed them in the middle. The table itself is a birds-eye view of a truncated pyramid. This is the image of the temple shown to me by NANTA way back in my first successful Enochian working. The spirit told me at the time, endure the shadow side and end your days in paradise, go by the light and glittering road and be cast down to Hell. That was Feb. 2, 2004. The complete image of this became a familiar symbol, something I saw MANY times in various workings afterward, but it was usually depicted as a normal pyramid with triangular passages. They were trapezoids when I saw it as a temple on the astral plane, I suspect just because an averse triangle wouldnt have a floor to walk on, and it was supposed to be an entryway. The pyramid itself was truncated, not only so there would be a square containing a circle in the middle that I could place my skrying mirror within, but in a reference to a vision shown to me by the Archangel Sandalphon on the tenth day of the Assiah operation. I saw a vision of this half-light, half dark pyramid with its corresponding passages, and suddenly the top lifted off and turned, so the apex was facing the base. There was a circle in the square at the bottom, (which was now the top) which opened into a huge, blinking eye. When the eye gazed up to the heavens, it was filled with

colossal power that it channeled through the downward-aiming apex and shattered the base of the pyramid. This, I believe, is meant to symbolize the destruction of the self that comes with crossing the abyss. The eye turned down, apex facing up, is an image that recalls the black brothers, hunched under their cloaks, blood sprinkled about to bar the angel of death from entering their temple. When they throw back their hoods and lift up their heads, turning their gaze toward heaven, the adepts are reduced to the white ash that can be carried across. Thats what I get out of it, anyway. (this image is connected to the things I would see while doing the EXARP ritual. It seems silly to offer further interpretation but I find the imagery interesting to think about) Thanks to the trapezoid image, each of the light/dark passageways connects neatly to the central square. I placed my carefully constructed subangles over those passages, to indicate the connection between that quarter of the pyramid and the middle section of the table. On each trapezoid, I placed one of the four arms of the cross I wore around my neck during the HGA operation. I had intended to wear it for all ninety-three days and destroy it when I was done, but strangely, around day fifty, it simply disintegrated. All four arms spontaneously dropped off in the middle of my prayers, so that plan was shot. There is no physical explanation for this, I was just wearing it around my neck and praying, I wasnt bending it or twisting it or anything. At any rate, the four arms of the cross became part of the table as well.

The Four Watchtowers: EXARP

2010-07-14 04:00:00

In April, using the method previously indicated, I started to contact the four Cherubs of the EXARP tablet. They presented me with four objects and four riddles. The idea is essentially to gain some kind of instruction in four forms of physical alchemy. The four forms of operation do not correspond to the four quarters. They all involve making the four objects work together to produce four totally different operations. The four Cherubs explained the four objects, each with its name and number. I had discovered that, if I made each square one inch by one inch, the four tablets would fit perfectly together around the central square on the table of practice that my angel designed. The plan was this: to take the serpent medallion I had been anointing during the HGA working, and now had taken to wearing around my neck at all times, and placing it over a replica of the black cross/tablet of union in the middle of the table, a spot denoted by a black circle with the symbol of the Key from the Assiah operation, my 5=6 oath, and the keyword my angel gave me during the initial Cherubic operation in 2004. Once I had all four keys, I would place them with the Enochian letters facing inward, and use the keys to call the Cherubs and focus their energy (in what sense was to be determined by the individual interviews with them that would precede this ritual) on the medallion. Then I would turn the tablets so the letters were facing outward and do the same, so that the impact of my own HGA working would resonate to the four corners of the earth and fulfill the idea that, as below, so above. I did not have a definite object per se, but it seemed to me that if it was true that I had just spent 93 days consecrating the medallion to my individual Will, it seemed logical to try and put it out there somehow. The results were incredible. What I received, in the end, was a new scheme for all of my work, and a way of organizing information that was to produce dramatic results. The first was a bow and arrows. These were meant to replace the object that I gave up to solidify my position on Day 90 of my HGA work (what it was is unimportant, that I had to give it up is what matters). I was initially uncertain of how to use them in any practical sense of the word, but I was told that they worked in conjunction with the four other quarters. I had to have all four, and receive some further instruction, to make sense of them. What they were exactly was made absolutely clear to me in a series of visions. I believe I now know how to use them practically, but I have not have the opportunity to yet so it is difficult to determine what they DO. The bow and arrows, the Cherub said, are to strike at the body of a lie. It left me with the riddle, what is the body of a lie?

The second object was a glowing heart. By its light, the Cherub said, the mind casts no shadow. This is the way to find the target, both without and within. The third object was the strength to pull the string. This is simple enough, but in the book referenced above a description of the difficulty is presented. Something about the operation indicated is suggested when I reveal that the riddle was, what is the strength of the truth? Mark that: were shooting an arrow to hit the body of a lie. We pull the string with the strength of the truth. I could say a lot of things here. Strength is a faculty of the individual while a body is an external object. Theres something there. To need to eliminate the shadows of mind to apprehend the target makes this significant as well. If the arrow is fired by the strength of the truth and the shadows of mind obscure the target what does that tell us? What does it imply about truth to describe it as a thing to attack lies? The fourth object had two aspects. Two eyes. One to look within, which was depicted with a vertical pupil like a cats, and one to look without, that was depicted with twelve shining rays emanating from the center. The idea was that one eye would look within me and find the target, while the other would focus on the target without. Using these objects together required synching these two images up. (I still work with these, and by no means have I fully exhausted their potential, both in terms of meditations on the imagery and in terms of practical use in astral work.) The last riddle was this: He was not pure, not wise, not brave, not strong, not fast, not quick thinking, not dexterous, not any of these. So what made him a fearsome warrior? What made him a hero?

The Lightbringer 2010-08-15 04:41:00

The vision of the fourth layer was still troubling me. It has always been easy to detach, to a certain degree, from what I saw on the astral plane. Its a world of living symbols, according to Crowley, so what I was seeing was necessarily a metaphor. When I approached my angel with questions about the four great devils, he assured me emphatically that what I had seen was not just a story. Mr. Church confirmed this, as did basically every other entity I approached who seemed to have any remote idea what I was talking about. I wasnt sure what to make of this, or what to DO with that information. My angel tried to put it in comprehensible terms. The people you saw, theyre all alive. Nothing can prevent them from incarnating. Its the lot of every star to return to existence and play out all of the possibilities possible! But in their deepest essential nature they are corrupted by the individual delusions of the four great devils. They are perversions of the great religions, but they are something else as well. Lucifer is narcissism, Satan is shame, Leviathan is secrecy, and Belial is hesitation. One is a lie to aggrandize the self, the next a lie to restrict the self, the next a lie to conceal an action, the next a lie to prevent an action. These are the lies that seduce men from their True Wills. I only want to say this: at what point do you just decide to just fucking go with it? After all of the ceremonial magick that Id done, everything Id seen, heard and experienced, is this idea REALLY that far-fetched? At what point do we take the safety off and stop trying to figure out what this is a symbol of and just accept it for what it is? The Oath to the Light I will illuminate the darkened ones. I will not reach out. I will not reach out. But I will illuminate the darkened ones, yea illuminate the darkened ones, but I will not reach out. I will not reach out. My light will shine and I will illuminate the darkened ones, the darkened ones, I will not reach out but my light will shine and I will illuminate the darkened ones. My light will shine. My light will shine but I will not reach out and I will illuminate the darkened ones. My light will shine, my light will shine, I will not reach out, my light will shine and I will illuminate the darkened ones. And I will cast a shadow. His response -I cannot fathom what you seek to gain. You will not avert my gaze from my own. One eye on you, a thousand on them, they will never find shelter from my light. My power is beyond your imagination. You have been very nearly crushed since your impudent gesture in our domain. You dare the devils?

Would you like me to finish the job your arrogant compassion started? -Only if you come and do it in person. -Ha! Cheek! -I have come to tell you what Im going to do. I dont know how Im going to do it, but I swear that I will do it. I know that you are different from the others -The others dont understand or care about self-preservation. They are functions. I am more, because I KNOW. I know what came before. I have seen what lays ahead. The lie of time is my child. Note that the angel referred to Lucifers native lie as narcissism. [the heat from twenty-five little fires, combined with the steamy August night, is overwhelming. I wipe my brow. Without realizing it, I push my phylactery up above my forehead, off of the Ajna chakra. The lightbringer glows brighter. He becomes larger. Louder.] -You! Take your story of the voyage to Hell and deliver it unto the people! Speak long and loud! Warn others of the danger! They must know what they have to fear! You must tell them! Tell Sasha, Freya, and ommittedespecially! Make sure that all five of Istars chosen know- [His words tempt me. I imagine the renown I could acquire this way. I imagine the cult of personality I could form by using this fear. I see what hes trying to do and realize my mistake. I replace the phylactery. But he has revealed something. As far as I could tell from the tour of Hell, those who were taken to the four Great Devils were simply unlucky, at the wrong place in the wrong time. What the lightbringer is trying to convince me of is that they DO choose some of the ones they take, and part of this involves taking control of the circumstances of their deaths. He was trying to make them appear more powerful than they were by suggesting they had some ability to kill human beings at the right time to gain access to them. This is, of course, nonsense.] -I choose! I choose the stars. Shadows are not fit for my realm. I have no time for them. Ten thousand is my number! How can you hope to defeat a master with ten thousand slaves? They come and they go, but ten thousand, always ten thousand. That is my power. My power that is greater than your imagining. Greater than the ken of any human worm. I- -Wait they come and go? How do they come and go. - [the lightbringer grows dark and quiet. He has withdrawn into himself. He will not answer, but he has given me a clue. There IS a way. ] -Lets make a deal -There are no deals! What could you possibly offer me in exchange for three of my chosen? You are nothing. You are beneath nothing. -How about I let you go home? -No power of yours can hold me!

-Not mine. [I step back to reveal the clay jar. He recognizes its contents. (this was the devil to which I made my confessions) He grows very dark and quiet again.] -We can make a deal. In this I was, at least according to the spirit, trading six people for three. The implication was that I was condemning six souls of people I knew to Hell in order to free three others who I was told were enmeshed there. I do not know what this trade meant in any concrete way. I dont really know what became of the people I gave away, I merely obtained a personal object from each of them and used it in the ceremony. From any perspective, it was a very interesting intellectual experiment. Who would YOU be willing to condemn to Hell, and for what reward?

The Enemy

2010-11-26 06:55:00

You cannot listen to these ivory tower fools that try to explain the devil away by this letter or that letter, this number or that number. Evil is not absolute, but part of the conditions of existence, sayeth the prophet by the fifth book. The librarians take that to mean that they have no devil to fear. The fools dont realize that they exist. Wheresoever is fear in this illusion, there doth the devil abide. He weareth a thousand faces, none of them his own, for he is the Prince of Lies. There is a second kind of fool who thinks righteousness cometh by his hatred of evil. How quickly doth he become a slave to images, images, images, all without control! Inspiring him to acts of pain and destruction! You who would be a pupil of the Eye, hear me now: find a place for the devil in your heart, and keep that place in holy reverence. You must fight the devil! But fight him like a brother. The devil will always be here, Frater. You will not." - Mr. Church When I confronted the Lightbringer he was very insistent that he was more selective than the other three, he had a plan and a sense of self, and claimed that the others did not. After comparing my experiences, I believe I understand this a little better. The Lightbringer is a Mind, meaning that like any other mind, it schemes, it anticipates, and it therefore can be tricked. Ultimately, guile on the part of my instructors (who kept me in ignorance of the meaning of my actions until it was over) was what brought me through that experience. The Enemy was quite a different story. The entity in question here is not a mind, but rather a force. It does have a certain sense of self, but that self is so profoundly antagonistic that it possesses no positive qualities to provide definition unless it is in some form of conflict. My mistake was simple. As Mr. Church pointed out, one cannot treat such an entity with hostility. Dealing with the Enemy as anything other than a source of information is foolish. He will reveal the obstacles to ones path. In fact, he highlights them. Angels, for their part, can sometimes be foggy on these points. The conditions of existence are so alien to their psychology that they do not always notice the circumstances that the human beings they communicate with have to navigate. The object of their intentions tends to be their point of focus, and angels can easily lose sight of (or are simply disinterested in) the fact that what they ask may be well beyond the means of the poor adepts they are commanding. Because the very nature of the Enemy is to object, his presence brings these very sharply into focus, and can even provide a frame of reference for addressing these issues with angelic entities.

What the Enemy represents is the eternal struggle of life itself. It is for this reason, I believe, that it is so often associated with the forces of nature. For most people this is somewhat of an antiquated attribution, as what is traditionally understood as nature presents no serious danger to people in cities, but it is still worth thinking about. To have a relationship with the Enemy, in essence, is to have a mole in the hostile camp of every conflict in which one participates. There is a price for this, but it could only be called high by the thin skinned. Controlling this relationship requires that it be clearly defined, with specific conditions spelled out in detail on both sides. The Enemy is basically contractual in nature. It will lie if given the opportunity, but it will adhere to the letter of the law with respect to any arrangements that are made. It is a common misconception, thanks to the prevalent phenomenon of the blind leading the blind with respect to demonology, that this is the nature of ALL demons. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are many infernal entities that are essentially helpful, and will provide assistance simply by way of returning the favor of being given form for a limited time. Demons whose nature it is to provide instruction and information are being allowed (encouraged!) to engage in the act of storytelling, which they enjoy a great deal. If youve ever done business with a friend you know that, friendship or not, it is absolutely essential to have everything in writing. For the sake of the friendship. With this in mind, I approached the great devil. Guile worked once. I thought it could work again. This was a mistake. My trick was simple. There was something I wanted. The Enemy was determined to keep from me. This thing, I had correctly surmised, could present a serious threat to his interests. I made my play on September 1 2010. In typical infernal fashion, he openly mocked my belief that I could interfere in any meaningful way. Thinking myself very clever, I suggested that if I were so harmless, there would be no reason to prevent me from taking possession of the object in question. He conceded the point, not without a certain amount of anger. The next day, my life more or less crashed. I was fired from both my jobs within about two hours of each other (over email no less) and this began a long period of being plagued by a total inability to find the means to sustain myself. With help from friends, and a few odd jobs writing and landscaping, Ive managed to stay afloat, but only just barely. This was essential to create the frame of mind necessary for me to regress in the way described below. If I had been able to keep my cool during this period, it would have been one thing, but I managed to take a bad situation and make it a great deal worse by torturing myself about it. This is, as we have seen with the events that followed the fire, sort of a theme for me. When things are going well I do a great deal to make them better. When things are going badly I do a great deal to make them worse. It is

worth mentioning that although the timing was impeccable, I was not surprised to lose either job. I was stagnating. Both of them were incredibly unsatisfying, but I wasnt thinking about what else to do with myself. After losing these jobs I spent the next three weeks finishing my novel before looking for more work. I had money saved up, and I wanted to finish my novel. That may have been a bad decision. When I started looking for a new job, I had run through most of my savings and found myself in dire financial straights. Then again, I did finish a damn fine novel. Such actions can only be judged by their results. Well see what comes of it. At the climax of my Enochian watchtower working, I was visited by the spirits of the black cross, who cut me a kind of deal. It wasnt quid pro quo precisely, but they explained that the only way to achieve my objective would be through suffering. I agreed. I figured I could take a little suffering. I suppose I wasnt quite expecting it to last as long as it did, but then again, you cant tough out suffering qua suffering. By definition, if youre toughing it out, youre not really suffering and it doesnt fill the same role. I think that the lesson regarding the enemy is this: one must be impeccable when approaching such an entity. If there is a space in ones life that the enemy can use against you, it will. Every time I tried the ritual a million tiny little things would go wrong to interfere with, delay, or sidetrack the working. The key here is to leave nothing to chance before attempting such a confrontation. Without becoming sidetracked by irrelevant details, the real harm (never mind this financial bullshit) was done in a very simple way. When I was presented with the bow and arrows by a cherub of EXARP, I was given the name, and in that the number, of both of these. Somehow or other, when I began the BITOM working, I managed to make an error in the transcription of the arrows that perpetuated itself throughout the working. This was really only significant during one portion of the series of visions that I had, but it was a vital portion. There were three aspects of myself that I had to essentially hunt down and kill. On the final day of the working, the night before I was to confront the enemy, all three of these came out QUITE SPECTACULARLY, and in the order described in the original vision. The personal repercussions for me were STAGGERING. Without entering into irrelevant details I will simply say that, once I realized what I had done I was miserable, and leave it at that. The baffling thing was how deliberate my actions were. It was as if I were destroying the things that I cherished with systematic intent. In a sense, this was true, but when I look back on what happened its hard to get mad. These things that I thought I cherished at the time were actually, in retrospect, a diversion from my purpose. The reaction I was having at the time was nothing but sentimentality. The life I had been pursuing before

knowledge and conversation was not relevant to me any more. Years of occult practice had eroded the edifice, but this work with the great devils was what finally shook apart the foundations to leave an empty space in which to build something new. On some level I believe that I knew this at the time, but when I wrote this particular entry I had not really accepted it. I was outraged about losing a life that, if we looked at it seriously, I hadnt actually wanted. I have found that, whether I want something or not, the sense that it is being taken from me invariably makes me angry enough to fight for it. At the time I felt very strongly that everything I was saying and doing was not only justified, but that I would be remiss in my duties to act in any other way. In other words, it was a shocking regression. It only lasted for about three hours, but that was all it took to destroy a great deal of hard work. Rome wasnt built in a day, but it certainly burned in one. (Okay well five and a half, and only ten of the fourteen districts were destroyed, but let us allow poetry to overcome history for a moment) Anyway, mysterious aura aside, I remedied the situation and came to an arrangement with the enemy. My sources were clear: I had fixed the error in the spiritual sense. As for the impact on my life, that would not bounce back so quickly. Really, I should have known something was dreadfully wrong sooner. Aside from the fact that I was experiencing flare-ups of the personalities that I was supposed to have destroyed (which should have been proof enough), virtually every entity I dealt with after this event tried to tell me what was wrong. I wasnt getting it. I always ask if theres anything in the communication I am missing, and I got the number 158 over and over and over. Among other things, this leads to the Hebrew word for arrows. I misunderstood, and took the instruction to mean that I should be practicing the use of this particular tool. It wasnt for some time, when I was writing summaries of my notes for the working, that I realized that the spirits didn't want me to do astral archery drills, but were trying to draw my attention to a simple error in transcription. I straightened this out, wrote off my attempt to best this Great Devil as a failure for the time being, and began work on the BITOM tablet. What follows is a reflection on the idea of hell as it had been depicted to me. As far as I can tell, the state of existing in hell has nothing to do with whether or not the body that essence is intended to inhabit is dead or alive. It is a spiritual state of being which is accessible as a place on the astral plane. This is an attempt to detail what I can logically conclude based on the information I have, making the assumption that this information has some objective validity.

Although the event of physical death and the resulting confusion is usually the event that gives demonic forces access to ones star allowing them to force/seduce it into hell, death doesnt seem to be necessary. Any traumatic experience that centers on that fear grants the same kind of access to ones essence. The connection to fear necessarily connects this gate to time. Fear is necessarily fear of the future, it is a form of anticipation. According to this, the opposite of hell is not heaven. According to the story I got, it would appear that there are no human souls in heaven but those that were specifically and intentionally removed to that place (Moses, Enoch, etc.). The opposite of hell is the place Mr. Church showed me, the City of Thelema, a place where every star has a home, a place, and a duty to the greater good of the state. Each vision of the BITOM working involved some task for me there. I am hesitant to give this metaphor a strict one to one type of interpretation, (i.e. the city represents this, hell represents that) but it is an interesting story, and I believe worthy of contemplation. According to that story, merely having ones essence inhabit this City is not sufficient to say that one is doing ones Will. A great deal of restriction is still possible. The basic difference between being restricted on that plane and being trapped in hell is that the former subject is to some degree aware of their condition, while the latter is convinced they are on the right track. The purpose of hell is not to punish human beings, but to blaspheme the great spiritual systems. It is an end in itself, serving no plan beyond parody.

The Four Watchtowers- BITOM

Z- What Im saying is that you are of two minds, and you will need them both. Not that you are undecided how do I say it? You are in two places at once, one inside of space/time, one outside. What IS all of this? Is it- okay, how in my head is the City of Thelema? (The city first shown to me by Mr. Church after my initial departure from the middle pillar had come up again when I began working on the BITOM tablet. The angels all seemed to want to take me there to accomplish different things. I could interact with the spirits of the three people I freed during the Lucifer confrontation, among other familiar faces.) Z- TAKE AIM. Fire the arrow. Unite the target without and the target within. That doesnt answer my question. Z- One mind aims for the other. Your life is the arrow. The outside world is HARD, like the wood of the bow, but pull upon the inside world, the string, and you will bend it to your Will. The world outside of time is hard? Z- NO. The INSIDE world is outside of time. The place you pull is not where the bow bends. In fact, its the only spot that doesnt. Bow and string are at once a pulling apart and a coming together of the inner and outer worlds- but at the moment of release- when arrow and target become one, there is a sudden cataclysmic unity in which all of these operations and tendencies are resolved into a single event. If it has been done correctly it will provide sublime satisfaction. Doubt it not. Youre always afraid that we mean to cheat you, but you can only cheat yourself. How? Z- There must be an ordering force. A rule and measure. The light to see and the eye to look. The eye to look within is self-understanding, and the eye to look without is that which ascribes value. They are the eye of an artist and a merchant respectively. Only when these two are reconciled by the light to see can the arrow might become one with the target. The City of Thelema was the place that Mr. Church took me after the first Istar working touched off the events that would lead me to where I was. As I worked with the BITOM tablets cherubs, it came up again rather dramatically. I was told, before performing the HGA operation, that I was to visit heaven, and be anointed therein. As I mentioned, this City was, I was being told, the true heaven. It was corrupted and falling apart, according to Mr. Church, because too many Wills had abandoned it, lured away by false desires or frightened away by fear of failure. The Cherubs of the EXARP tablet armed me. My work with the BITOM tablet has me putting those weapons to very good use.

What does this mean, in an objective sense? Long story short, I dont know. Short story long, I dont fuckin know, okay? I still have no satisfactory answer to that question, but I will say this: I did run into several people, real existing people, who I knew there. There were physical differences in some cases, but in almost every case my interaction with that persons Will-image in the City of Thelema preceded some kind of communication from them. In many cases something the Will-image had said would be eerily reflected in something the real person said. Taken individually these were all fairly minor co-incidences, but the frequency at which they occurred made them significant. I first got the order to visit the City again on September 6, 2010 after using the key for OXO, which is always included in my rituals to contact Kraeshandi. She instructed me to use it as a preliminary to the keys pertaining to the subangles I would be using for the BITOM tablet. It is difficult to know how much of what followed to include here. Lengthy astral visions can make good stories, but I dont see the practical value of relating these in detail. The salient point is that I engaged several of the other Will-images there and set about cleaning the place up a bit. I had done things like that before. Its a kind of charging an astral spot with information. The usual symbols are employed along with gestures on the plane itself, use of the pentagrams and hexagrams, etc. Whenever I come to one of these astral libraries, as my mind usually chooses to express them, I never cease to be amazed at how easy it is to find out what I need to know. For example, if I astrally travel to the bookshelf in my tower because I want to know something about a working I did from there its nothing for me to pull a book from the shelf and find out what I need to know. Its not always printed out simply, sometimes its a symbol, an equation, or a gematric expression of some kind, but with a little work and meditation I get my answer. The place I go to do that on Qesheth is slightly different, containing different information (at this time of writing my work on that plane is almost entirely expressed as interactions with individuals, which we will go into some detail about when the subject of the Project arises) just as the places we fixed up in the City of Thelema do. In almost every case the structure was there, it had simply fallen into disrepair, or become occupied by some hostile entity that had to be chased away. Following the instructions I got, on November 12, 2010 I went back to Satan, armed with what I had learned in the City of Thelema. I finally understood what Mr. Church had been trying to tell me. I performed the evocation and swore the following oath: So long as I desire shalt thee be with me. I will never turn from thee or shun thee. I will face thee and fight thee like a brother, even unto the day of judgment and the lake of fire, that our battle might be glorious. Thus shall

you and I wage a war that will shake heaven, earth, and hell combined, such as they have not been shaken since the fall. I spurn thee not my brother, my enemy, let us go on together and damn the weak and fearful. Hostis Meo Frater. Now all I have to do is live up to it.

The Four Watchtowers: HCOMA

2010-11-27 03:32:00

Unlike my work with the previous two tablets, HCOMA has been very standardized in terms of ritual. My work with EXARP lead me through a series of meditations which could take anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of weeks to figure out. I found that the results of my work with these entities did not manifest so much during the rituals themselves, but in the hours and days that followed. The information was almost always vaguely alluded to by the cherub before, and would be followed by some event, conversation, or experience that suddenly and dramatically elucidated the spirits words. BITOM was largely comprised of astral work, meaning that although the rituals themselves were easy enough to do, and I could more or less pick the time to do them, once I was in I could be there for anywhere from ten minutes to three hours depending on what happened and how fast I figured out what I was being asked to do. I got all the information that I needed during these visions, but careful revision of my notes was necessary to keep the details fresh in my mind so that I could keep the experiences I was having in perspective and maintain some kind of continuity. This was very difficult for many reasons, not the least among them being the fact that I find astral work incredibly draining in general. When it was over I pretty much slept for a week. HCOMA, on the other hand, seems to be a great deal more structured in the ritual setting, with the experience of the angel being very similar to a formal evocation. I have not been getting the sense of a buzzing series of impressions in the back of my mind like EXARP, or an astral journey like BITOM, but rather what I have experienced has been the very lucid sense of being in conversation with an entity that was physically occupying the space of the tablet on the table of practice. The demands being placed on me are more in the nature of a to do list than visions or riddles. Each quadrant had its own specifications with regard to timing, but to give an example, the first quadrant was to be worked at midnight on Monday, dawn on Tuesday, and noon on Wednesday, dusk on Thursday and midnight on Friday. This is oddly more comfortable for my very bizarre internal clock than a regularly scheduled ritual, so it has rather increased my productivity. I suspect that this was not the angels' intention. Rather, it would seem to indicate a natural sympathy between the forces of this particular tablet and myself. I had acquired a lot of information in a short time. It was nice to have spirits on hand that I could engage in a more direct, Q&A sort of way. Most of this time was spent clarifying and expanding on what I had learned so far. This was very different from BITOM, which was necessary for me to go through, but wore me down to a nub. Another person might find it a great deal easier to be able to plan the ritual at their convenience, but I live and die

by a regular schedule. Because it required astral work, which is not predictable in terms of how long it will take to complete, I found it very difficult to work my engagement with this tablet into any kind of plan for the day. EXARP, on the other hand, had a way of imposing itself on my other work that was sometimes distracting, but neither drained nor invigorated me by doing so. The timing for that tablet was related to the planetary day and hour, as well as what was in the sky at what time, so although it was not regular in the way that I like, I could plan out my rituals in advance, which was a great help. It strikes me that I may not have mentioned this before, but in the case of all of these workings, I keep the temple lit by lights tinted in the appropriate colors, red for EXARP, bright white for BITOM and pale green for HCOMA. The use of colored lights to tint ALL objects in the temple space (rather than employing painted objects or colored cloth) is standard procedure in every such ritual that I do, and as such I frequently forget to mention it. The magical tools employed in this were the rope-circle, the phylactery, the Assiah blindfold (over Ajna, to see the spirit) and the wand. I would invoke the ten Assiatic Archangels while visualizing the appropriate color filling the heavens and coming down in a bolt of lightning to strike the appropriate place on my body when vibrating the angels name. I gave the energy time to flow back up to Kether, visualizing the colors of each sephirot flaring out as it climbed toward the crown. Next, I performed Reguli, followed by the invocation of Kundalini from the first Chapter of Liber LXV (I am the heart, the snake is entwined) and a recitation of a section of Chapter II of Liber AL. This section begins with I am the snake who giveth knowledge and delight, and concludes with but ye, o my people, rise up and awake! At those words, I would immediately launch into the invocation of the Bornless One. This is tremendously significant, as this ritual comes to a climax with the words, I am he who bringeth grace to this world, heart girt with serpent is my name. Obviously, the first two sections are a natural preliminary to the Bornless Invocation, as they complete the identification with a Star in Space, unique and self-existent, an individual essence incorruptible implied by the Reguli ritual (see Crowleys notes on Liber V). The section from Liber LXV was spoken in a low, rumbling voice, vibrating in the chest cavity. The section from AL:II was spoken in a flat, nasal voice, with particular accent placed on the sibilant s, and the words of the Bornless invocation came directly from the back of the throat, striking an equilibration between Anahata and Ajna. After the Bornless Invocation was complete, I struck the same battery of knocks with the wand against the solar symbol at the center of my altar that I employed when originally entering the temple. (3-5-3, 3-1-1, x-x-x)

Any physical remains were left encased in the wax of the four candles that light the four sides of the trapezoidal pyramid represented on my table of practice. I was warned at the outset to begin preparing for my confrontation with the Many right away. The difficulty with this particular entity comes from the fact that it has absolutely no cohesion. The closest approximation I have been given so far is a thousand voices saying a thousand words in a thousand nonsense tongues to a thousand different times and a thousand discordant notes. Its not a force that can be redirected, an intelligence that can be tricked, or a presence that can be confined. The cherubs were very helpful when it came to interpreting the objects presented to me during the EXARP working. The presented me one thing to unify them all. Counting the eyes as two, that gave me seven objects in total. I was told to arrange the planetary attributions of each object differently depending on the work I was doing. I didnt understand a lot of what they were asking me to do until much later I set out a challenge to the Great Devil, with the help of several of the cherubs. When the tablet was done, I didnt have much time left in my temple. I would have to do NANTA in one week. This actually made sense. EXARP was about three months, BITOM six weeks, and HCOMA four weeks, so it didnt seem at all unreasonable to accelerate the process for the last tablet. What this did mean, however, that confrontations with Leviathan and Belial would have to wait until I was re-situated.

The Four Watchtowers: NANTA

The project has six wings. The kingdom flies by those six wings. Peace is the unity of many behind a common goal. True peace is an active, creative state, not merely the deadening of conflict. Silence is the enemy of peace. Peace is built on love. Love is the unity of a small group or pair behind a common goal. True love is an active, creative state, not merely a social obligation. Love has no enemy, but the beloved is the adversary. Peace and love are built on wealth. Without wealth, the obstacles to peace and love cannot be overcome. True wealth produces activity and creation, it does not provide for sloth and imitation. War is the enemy of wealth. War is the discord of power. True war is an active, creative mind in which power accomplishes its ends by means of overcoming an obstacle at the expense of another, not the mere robbery of nations. Wealth is the enemy of war. War is built on wisdom, for developing every kind of weapon demands purposeful artifice. True wisdom is an active, creative mind in which power develops itself in its own image. Wisdom has no enemy, for an enemy would only be another weapon to the mind of wisdom. Wisdom is built on . There are the eye, the hand, and the tongue. The eye is watchful, but has no authority. Nothing is hidden from it, but it can only take what it sees to the king. No more, no less. The hand has the power to move. It moves as it sees fit, unless otherwise directed by the king. It may adjust any wing of the project. The tongue speaks. It can make any suggestion, condemnation, or protest. Only the hand can remove the tongue, but the tongue at any time might undo the king. And as the wind moves through the feathers and the sun shines on the kings face, so fly the six wings. The Project was initially conceived as a sort of repository of information for the A:.A:. The advantage here is that it allows people to share the results of their studies without encouraging group activity. One simply learns from the results of other researchers. This was the product of my work with the NANTA tablet. My life was in upheaval so it took a long time to process this information. It was a while before I realized that the six wings of the project perfectly corresponded to the six objects I had been given when working with the EXARP tablet, and the six-pointed riddle of Assiah. In a sense, the project leaders were personifications of the forces and ideas contained in each of the cherubs gifts. When I was working on NANTA, PHRA introduced me to the leader of each wing of the project. I was given a name, and ways to help get in touch with them.

So, just to clarify, I had these six objects that could be used in ritual and in astral work, which were expressions of the direction of my Will which were all aspects of a single act, i.e. to fire an arrow from a bow. I now was in communication with six intelligences that are all aspects of a single Project, which is an expression of the manifestation of my Will. Whats more, the six objects and the six intelligences corresponded to the six-pointed riddle of Assiah, which I had now been studying for six years. Loosely defined, I had Project Dove for sexual energy and Bhakti yoga. The Dove us chosen for LXV II:7-15. Project Swan for poetry and those matters pertaining to crossing the abyss, chosen for LXV II:17-25. Project Vulture for matters pertaining to material matters, finances, talismans, temple equipment, etc see the comment on AL I:7. Project Hawk for all martial affairs, and to be a source of energy and personal power, chosen for Liber CCCLXX v. 0. Project Owl for analysis of history and basic record keeping chosen for the good company that Choronzon tells us it keeps. The avian entity representing the sixth wing of the Project is chosen for its capacity for unkindness. It is significant, I think, that I did not write about the Project until almost a year after it had been revealed. This was the result of the watchtower working, and I could see numerous applications beyond the astral plane. I could imagine making this actually work as a way of organizing data and perhaps actually making some magical progress rather than just repeating the same mistakes and reinventing the wheel. The Assiah operation was itself a study in bringing things into manifestation. It also integrated the royal family from Qesheth which appears in the Kingdom and the Dragon working. It seems pointless to go into great detail about the numerous astral workings I did regarding both TChull and the City of Thelema, the important thing is that the project provided a way to organize and direct all of the major characters from my astral journeys. What began as a series of scattered images and disconnected analogies was coming together with a unified purpose, guided by my angel. The final ritual was lengthy, but simple. As previously described, I was charging the talisman consecrated by my angel with the four tablets, and then directing that energy outward, to the four corners of the earth. On January 5, 2011 I performed this working, and closed that temple for good. It would be almost a year before I was able to establish another.

Alone in the Dark

2011-03-29 18:05:00

This is a description of what could only be described as my lowest point. In many ways I should consider myself lucky for that. As bad as it was, it could have been worse. Suffering is nothing if not instructive. Winter is not a good time to look for work in my industry. I had been surviving by selling the odd piece of writing or doing odd jobs for quick cash. I was malnourished, and I barely saw the sun. On the occasion I did land an interview I looked, well, I WAS, terribly unhealthy. This did not make finding a job any easier. The windowless room I came to occupy on January 7, 2011 was actually the laundry/ storage room of a building that my friends mother owned. It was unheated, and there were three litter boxes for the buildings cats down there, so it was purely miserable. Dark, cold, smelling of shit, and in a hostile atmosphere, I was crumbling. It was impossible to do almost any magick under such conditions. I did, however, have my confrontation with the Many, as I will recount once weve established my circumstances. The landlady, my friends mother, initially liked me, but eventually she just started blaming me for anything she saw out of place or dirty in the house, which was ludicrous if you consider that I never really left my pit except to flee the house. This shift in her attitude happened suddenly, and to this day I dont know exactly what set her off, because when I tried to talk to her about it, she immediately shut down and denied the existence of a problem. I suspect the fact I was keeping my distance was what bothered her. There were a few people renting rooms there, and she ran it like a surrogate family. She wanted people to sit down to dinner with her, watch TV with her, and basically be her nest mates. I was only interested in a place to sleep until I got back on my feet. I avoided everybody as much as possible. The darkness, even more than the cold and the smell, really did a number on me. In February I fell on the ice and twisted my ankle. I was unable to walk for almost three weeks. My walks were the only thing keeping me sane at that time. Robbed of even this meager pleasure I reached a new low. For days at a time I didnt even bother turning on the single, dim fluorescent bulb that I had for illumination. For days at a time I just sat in the dark. Not too long after this I got a new job (offers started pouring in as soon as the weather started to get a little warmer and people voluntarily left their homes again) and found a place to live, but I was renting a room in a house again, which would meet with disaster again, but it was fine for about six months. It was enough time to stabilize my finances and get back to the point where I had my own place. This room allowed me to start rebuilding my magical practice to a small degree, but it was not a suitable temple. My work with the one Without a

Master couldnt really begin until I re-established a dedicated temple space. This period finalized things with Sasha. We had been spending time together right up until I lost my job. She barely talked to me then, and when I lost my apartment the distance grew even further. I was outraged. I had been there for her during numerous periods of upheaval in her life. It was a weird reflection of the circumstances that followed the fire. As soon as I hit a rough patch, she vanished. As far as her role in my life, the circle had been closed, the cycle had been renewed, and her part was finished. The deep, fundamental connection that I had been feeling for a long time was gone, and the last serious attachment to my old life went with it.

The Many
The one thing I was able to accomplish during my time in the dark was the confrontation with Leviathan. While working on the HCOMA tablet I had done a ritual to reach out to that entity, but finding a suitable material basis for manifestation seemed impossible. Nothing I thought of was deemed acceptable, and neither my angel nor the Enochian spirits I was working with at the time seemed to be able to answer the question. I did, however, perform a series of rituals that were arranged to be a sort of challenge. Weeks had gone by in the dark at this point. I had a couple of job interviews, did a couple of stand-up shows, (comedy came more easily to me under those circumstances for some reason) and did a few odd jobs to keep myself more or less fed. I spent most of my time working on project Dove, establishing a temple there. I was totally focused on creating this astral thing of beauty in honor of Istar. You could say that I was running away from my day-to-day reality, and I make no apologies for that under the circumstances. I was doing what I could to change things, but at a certain point all you can do is wait. I had been drinking heavily, (let the record show that heavily is somewhat of an understatement) fighting to achieve unconsciousness in the presence of the cold and the smell. On about February 19, I snapped. It was as though I had suddenly come out of a heavy fog. Winter was in full swing, but I forced myself to go out into the sun and, freezing cold or not, stay there for a while. It was a difficult, unpleasant experience at first. That much darkness just does weird things to your head. After a while, I began to enjoy it. The next day I did the same thing, and combined it with pranayama, trying to visualize breathing the light in and out. On February 21, when the sun started to go down (about 5 pm) I crawled back into my hole to confront the Great Devil. It had occurred to me that I got into this mess shortly after issuing my challenge. Although the two months since then had not been pleasant, I felt like I had been channeling the experience positively. I was concentrating all of my creative force on beauty and comedy. That time in the dark had taught me something about turning lead into gold. It was time for some kind of climax. The basement was incredibly cold, so I gathered all of the blankets I could and made a kind of tent for myself. I had just washed everything, bathed and robed, and so for the first time in weeks I felt like I inhabited a clean space. I performed all of the rituals astrally from there. From my notes:

L.- [chanting] God is one and we are God, God is one and They are God I heard this for a long time before I reached the layer. When I had come here with my angel on Day 91 there was a short period during which little blue lights seemed to flash around my astral body in the dark. The same thing happened on this visit, but it lasted for a much longer period of time while the chanting increased. The Devil approaches, threatening to devour me. It acts like its trying to strike me. My angel warns me that it is trying to place something in my astral body. L.- What have you come for? Why should I release ? We do not deal. We do not bargain. God is one and we are God. What could you possibly offer me? I began to recite the first ten stanzas of Surah 91 of the Koran over and over. This provoked an extreme reaction. I seized the opportunity to make my demand. Me- Exaltation. Purify me- & you have your exaltation by the text you hide behind. I returned to reciting the Surah, but found I had forgotten the last two lines. L.- He is betrayed that purifies! [it repeated this for some time] I was wracking my brain, trying to remember the words I had been saying over and over for some time. My angel broke in and told me to invoke Auriel, and to do it quickly. The angel appeared with giant, luminous wings, like the wings of a butterfly. It used these to stir the air rapidly and send a sort of hurricane toward the devil. The pitch-covered worshippers that I previously described were caught in it, and the black sludge was beginning to fly off of their bodies. Truly he succeeds that purifies it and fails that corrupts it, the angel reminded me. L.- STOP THIS. Take what you want and DONT COME BACK. Me.- Swear! L.- *174 [I rejected this] *137 By the Great crucifixion Me.- Wrong devil. [I began to recite the Surah again] L.- [reaches out and plucks a black egg from my heart. My angel confirms that this is what it placed there earlier] *146 Me.- Youre still lying. Ill be back every night with the winds until you make me empty. L.- The last piece! [one of the heads snapped my neck, as though breaking it. I didnt move, but a little worm came away in its teeth] The final malediction is undone. We swear by *154. Now GO. [this was a number familiar to me, and particularly to my purpose in coming here. My angel gave me the sign 197, confirming this] Auriel returned to the tower with us. I performed another ritual there to express my gratitude. Before he left he handed me a pearl, and told me that my suffering would produce something beautiful. I continued my astral work for the next couple of weeks, and found I was repeatedly getting the same

numbers over and over, pointing me to the sphere of Chesed, making reference to a symbol that had come up many times while I was doing the HGA operation. The analogy was to disrobe, and my angel had told me many times that it would have to happen before I could make progress in my work. My communications seemed to suggest that this was to take place. On March 9 I did the ritual, once again in my astral tent. On that sphere I was asked to renounce the line of Adam and accept the Mark of Cain. This involved making a fairly significant sacrifice. There were certain things that, I was told in no uncertain terms, I would never be able to have. Essentially, to accept this meant that it was the abyss or bust, (I remain hesitant to describe the exact terms this was put to me in, I feel that because of the language it would be easy for readers to misinterpret something which was perfectly clear to me) and to swerve from that past would result in disaster. I was told that I would be given a gift, as a sign of acceptance. This came in the form of having my narrow ass booted out of the place I was living. At the time it seemed like a disaster, but it turned out that getting out of the basement was the best thing for me. I divided my time between a friends place and my brothers place until I found a job and rented a room. (I should mention that this was incredibly difficult. I had been living alone for a long time at that point. I was very used to having my own place, and being without roommates. However welcoming people were, I always felt like I was imposing) Spring was coming at last. Ive never enjoyed sitting in the sun so much. After several months of being inexplicably unable to find a decent job, I suddenly had offers pouring in. I decided to take the gig The Pilot because I liked the vibe and the other places all seemed either corporate or sketchy. Things were getting back on track.

The Screechowl

2011-08-29 21:38:00

Over the summer of 2011 I started to get signs that I was to do two specific rituals; an evocation of Samael, and an evocation of Lilith. The first I had no problem with. Ive been talking to Samael frequently, although usually I go to him rather than him coming to me (my new living situation makes angelic evocation a pain in the ass because the room takes so long to prepare) this was a welcome suggestion. Lilith was different. After our last encounter, when I finally seemed to break her hold on me, I was not eager to deal with her again. I didnt trust the spirit. I procrastinated and procrastinated. I was working a lot, so it wasnt hard to find reasons not to do the rituals. I stopped doing a lot of my regular check-ins too, mostly because the spirits kept unanimously insisting that I do this, and I didnt want to. I am suspicious that my late-onset phimosis, leading to the excruciatingly painful physical condition and eventual circumcision, was caused directly by her. I cannot maintain this view now. I started to get indications that this would be necessary in the first Istar working. When I review my notes, the whole thing has that, if thou dost not do this with thy will, we will do it despite thy will vibe to it. My procrastination came to an end when a close friend, who works with a lot of the same entities I do, came to me with a problem. She was being threatened and cyber-stalked by a creepy dude, and couldnt seem to get in touch with Samael, the entity she works with primarily. She asked me to try and contact him and plead her case. Well... hard to say no to that, right? Samael was emphatic about my contacting Lilith. He wouldnt promise any kind of protection, but he wasnt taking no for an answer. So I waited for the right time (August 21 2011) and did the ritual. She didnt say much, although the usual physical sensations took place. What she wanted was simple. She wanted me to forgive Sasha. A demon asking for forgiveness threw me off, but when you take into account the fact that this was the LAST thing I wanted to hear, it makes sense. It is worth mentioning that the Enemy predicted the rift between us. More than once he taunted me by telling me how much I would hate her when everything was over. Resisting this is likely what kept me attached for as long as I was. At this point the whole thing was just taking up unnecessary space in my mind. I felt duped by her. In retrospect, getting duped by her worked out pretty well for me, in that it got me off my ass and into the big city where there were a lot of opportunities that simply didnt exist in New Brunswick. I didnt really feel like seeing it that way at the time.

I resented Lilith and one other entity that I believed had been lying to me about Sasha. My hostility to them (which was, in retrospect, baseless- I had simply misinterpreted what they were trying to tell me and heard what I wanted to hear) had to be overcome to make progress. The confrontation with Belial was dramatically delayed because of this. It wasnt until October 18, 2011, after Lilith and I had fully mended fences and I began to search for another proper temple, that I finally recognized the One Without a Master. For two weeks I couldnt sleep. Ive always had insomnia, but that was about not being able to get to sleep. Im used to it and I have ways of dealing with it. This was different. I would fall asleep almost instantly and wake up ninety minutes later. Normally one sleeping pill knocks me out for nine hours and Im groggy as hell the next day, so I dont usually take them. I took three and couldn't stay asleep for two hours. This was, in a word, fucked up. Not getting REM sleep has all kinds of delightful side effects. I was a mess. I could barely function, I was periodically hallucinating, and I was an emotional wreck With a little help and insight from my (new) friends, a whole lot of meditation, and some significant achievements in pratyahara, I figured out what I needed to do. And thats between me and myself. One thing I should mention is that most of the friends in Toronto I had made up until this point were on the fringes in some way or another. They were either musicians or artists I met through Sasha, who were for the most part (with some exceptions) completely shallow and vapid, incapable of actual friendship that meant anything beyond a list of contacts, or borderline cases I met through work. The former were obnoxious, and certainly couldnt be relied on for anything serious, and the latter were good guys to go for a beer with, but best kept at a distance. Through my new job I met and connected with several people who would turn out to be, in many ways, far better friends than many of the ones I had left behind in New Brunswick. To ritually mark the occasion, I figured Id have a little ceremony and give thanks to Lilith. I started to set up the temple, and suddenly I felt like my heart stopped. When I evoked the spirit I had made a small, consecrated paper sigil to use for the ritual. I would talk to the spirit, banish the temple and burn the sigil to cleanse the place of its energy. Now, as I stared at the table, I had a feeling that I had forgotten something. I looked under the mirror I use for evocation, and there it was. Unburned. I checked my notes and I had written a banishing ritual down, but as my mind raced I couldn't remember if I had actually done it or not. I quickly performed a banishing, a burning, and a few invocations to replace the energy with something, lest it come flooding back. And I could sleep.

My body is still fucked up. I must have lost 15 lbs in those two weeks and this place is a mess, but Im recovering. What is most significant is that, just like the last time I worked with Lilith, she was able to hide things that should have been immediately obvious to me. I never forget stuff like that, but I was also seemingly unaware of the fact that my foreskin had grown over my penis last time, so whats a sigil or two? The scary part is theres no certainty now. If I cant trust my perception, I cant be certain I found everything and took care of everything. When the moon starts waxing again, it will be time to call on some friends in low places who owe me a favor.

Without a Master
My plan at that time was to evoke the One Without a Master and try to provoke an encounter on the physical plane by poking him with sticks on the astral. Thats a good idea, right? I call it the rocks at hornets nests approach to confrontation. It has always served me well. The beginning of this work was simple. I was repeatedly performing the invocation of the Bornless One to strengthen my body of light for the confrontation. I had set up a mirror, about five feet high and three feet wide, in front of the table of practice and drawn a black Goetic triangle over the place where my own face was reflected. The method may be considered slightly dangerous, but this was the last great devil I was to confront. I wanted the ritual to reflect my very first magical ritual, and since that was the method of evocation then, I felt this would be appropriate. My life had become a fairly well established routine. I would go to work, hit my local pub, and write before wandering home to do my daily rituals. As I stepped up those rituals in preparation, my relatively sedate life of study and basic practice began to quake at its foundations in several ways through several events, the most significant of which I will relate here. Coming up to the day itself, I had a very strange night On September 19 th, which was my scheduled day to evoke this particular devil, I had to go to work. It was a long day, and I stopped at my local for the usual couple of pints before heading home to do what I had to do. In an interesting coincidence I ran into one of the food runners I had worked with all day at the pub. In spite of the fact we had spent the previous ten hours together, we managed to find things to talk about and hung out for some time. I am very thankful that he was there, as he was able to calm me down after what happened next. As I paid my bill and waited for my friend to pay his, a girl in her early twenties approached me. She was petite, blonde, and quite attractive. She asked me if she knew me, and I replied in the negative. She then reacted with astonishment, saying Oh! Ive seen your videos on youtube! I was sort of surprised, but confirmed that I was, yes, the guy from youtube. She said that she was really interested in the occult, and asked for my email address. I started to write it down for her, because I had my notebook in my hand. She reached out, ripped the paper out of my notebook, crumpled it up and threw it on the ground. Then, she grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. I reached up to pull her hands away from my neck, but her fingers were as strong as iron bars. Lets recap here: I work out every day. I lift heavy weights and work a punching bag, at the expense of being redundant, daily. I couldnt move this tiny blonde girls fingers if my life depended on it. And it was starting to look like it did, because she was pretty determined to destroy me. Fucking Antichrist! Satan spawn! Evil one!

Deceiver! were among the things that she screamed in my face while she was choking me. I was a little put out. I didnt know how to react. Suddenly she let go of me and ran outside. I have a Baphomet pentagram tattooed on my stomach, below my bellybutton [right in the blowjob zone] and I ran out behind her, pulling up my shirt to display it for her. In retrospect that may have been a bad decision. I saw that she was nuts or high or whatever, but my natural reaction was to antagonize her as viciously as possible. I proceeded to do precisely that. I felt guilty later, not because of damage done to her, but because of the number of people who had to be called upon to clean up the human disaster that happened next. It might have happened even if I had backed off, but Im pretty sure I was just making a bad situation worse because I had no idea how to react to that. Maximum hostility to the perceived source was just a gut reaction. She curled up into a ball and started crying on the street. The bartenders tried to put her in two different cabs, but she fought her way out both times, still screaming and crying. I felt awful for my behavior. Even though I was the victim of an attack, you dont shit where you drink. She wound up being escorted away by the police after ambulance drivers could not contain her. Later that night, I performed the ritual and faced the demon. He almost got the better of me. I was already shaken and confused. The girl had done her work well, because I was not on my game. My friend came home with me to make sure I was ok. I wasnt physically hurt, but the speed from which she went from flirty to homicidal did a number on me. It took two days for me to leave the house again. Just the fact that someone would attack me because of my youtube videos made me afraid to be in public places for a while afterward, and I am not a fearful person. If I had thrown her off of me like I should have it would have been one thing, but in spite of being so little, she was incredibly strong. It was, to put it bluntly, unnatural. I didnt know whether or not to expect another attack. That night, though, I went through with my plans. Just as when confronting the Many, I had to invoke the archangel Auriel several times. If it was not for his intervention, I dont know what would have happened. This angel, consistently, has been the one that protected me from these entities when I lost control of the situation. The one without a master got me to the point of tears more than once, mocking me about my flowering relationship with Cherry, a young redhead who I had been dating at the time, [it died on the vine] and generally did his best to upset me to the core of my being. I remembered that parody and mockery where his bread and butter, which is when I started invoking the archangel. He wanted me to invoke him again on the following Saturday, without the help of my HGA. I agreed, but broke the deal and did him on Friday, which makes a lot more sense. What happened was unprecedented in my own magical work. I spoke

as if I was talking to myself, but two different voices came out of my mouth. I have no explanation for this. I do have a videotape of it, and it creeps me the fuck out. Ive never been interested in proving my magick to people, but thats a good one. Of course, theyll always argue that I could be faking, which I could be, but how do you escape that idea? Of course, anybody could be faking any time. Leaving aside bolts of lightning and balls of fire, how do you prove something to someone determined not to believe it? But I digress. On the second confrontation I was much more in control. The idea of hesitation, which I had been told was essential to the one without a master, had been more or less vanquished. The devil had tried everything to hurt me, at the most fundamental level. When it finally failed to do that, I experienced this great feeling of freedom. I set terms for our future interactions. Although I had gained some amount of power in the situation, the problem of hesitation has always been my greatest weakness. I knew that, like all of the others, there was something unfinished between us. It is my suspicion that there always will be. Trying to come to some kind of final victory over any of these forces, hesitation, shame, secrecy and narcissism are not problems that go away, but continual adversaries against which one must be perpetually locked in a state of struggle. I had confronted the four great devils. I would have to face them all at once on December 21, 2012.

Lotus
December 17 2012 At this point, I was ready. My body of light was stronger than it had ever been, and I was gearing up to confront all four great devils at once. What happened in between was something I could never have expected. The previous summer, a local Luciferian had put on what he called the Left Hand Path Convention. Although I dont put much stock in that term (Crowley is pretty clear about what it means in a Thelemic context, and its not a good thing), I showed up to speak and interact with other freaky people. I met this one girl, who I will call Lotus, who I was very attracted to. She was lukewarm; I didnt realize that she was just getting out of a relationship. She was also a member of the OTO and a ceremonial magician in her own right, as well as a very talented painter. When we saw each other again, it was after a lecture of mine. We agreed to meet for coffee on December 17 th. Lotus left my house on December 21, so that I could perform the final ritual. I have never, in my life, bonded so intensely with someone so quickly. I was initially suspicious, especially after my previous attack, so I started out a little paranoid. I have had women from different groups approach me before to initiate a sexual relationship, only to find a competing agenda from somewhere else was the primary motivation. This is very strange behavior, but trust me, it does actually happen. However, over time, Lotus proved herself to be completely th sincere. Our union with fully sealed on her birthday, December 29 . With this, came a moment of strange irony. The first novel I wrote, The Tyrant, was a fast-paced occult thriller, the final, climactic battle of which takes place on th December 29 2012. I finished writing it in 2002, a decade before these events. Its a minor synchronicity, inconsequential really, but striking enough that it seems worth mentioning. Lotus and I would go on to engage in a very intense series of Enochian workings aimed at gaining sufficient materials, a suitable temple, and correct guidance as to how to manifest the apocalypse. This material will be treated in detail in Volume II of Wormwood, but it is worth adding that the novel itself was about an apocalyptic event. The ending described a destructive, discarnate force balancing its power and rising to Godhood by re-discovering its sexual potency (theres also an angel that fights a giant robot and lots of explosions, but thats less relevant to the subject presently under discussion). In a way, this mirrored my relationship with Lotus. My promiscuity during the period before my circumcision was something I was unable to re-capture. I had lost my mojo. With Lotus, it all came flooding back. The added benefit was that we could actually do magick together, and so I decided very early on I wanted our relationship to be a lasting one.

This seems like the most appropriate point to visit this topic, so it is worth mentioning that she proved to be a particularly gifted conjuror. This was a unique treat for me. Instead of trying to do both the conjuring and skrying, I could just relax and focus on communicating with the spirits that we were evoking. It is two completely different states of mind one must occupy to do both of these things. Conjuring is very much a technical process, but at the same time, one must do it smoothly, without hesitation. Skrying is more of a flow of ideas and images, with as little interference as possible. They share the same quality of doing without thinking, but one is passive, and one active. I found it interesting that she seemed to excel at the traditionally masculine role, and I the feminine. When we first started working together I just assumed that I would conjure and she would skry. That didnt work at all. That just goes to show that what they say about assumptions is entirely accurate. We went on to develop a series of invocations based on our assuming the traditional roles while doing the Bornless invocation together, tying this in to the gender roles as prescribed in Liber AL. Once again, this subject will be treated in full in Volume II. We remain together to this day. From the first date, we didnt spend a night in Toronto apart. Funny how those things work out. The last piece of the puzzle had fallen in to place. I could study the formula of the Rosy Cross. It became something I learned in intuition more than anything else, but slowly it has started to become articulate. Not articulate enough to write here and now. Ill save that one for the sequel. What was most important was that in the time between the seventeenth and the twenty-first, we had sixteen sexual encounters. I managed to refrain from ejaculation through each of them. I was preparing myself for what was to come. Amoun Ra had taught me the secret of withholding, and I knew I could fortify my body of light with this energy. I would need it. My greatest challenge was yet to come.

The Four Great Devils

December 21 2012 Almost a year later, I find it very difficult to describe what took place. The visual images were clear, and the sense of dread overwhelming. In each case, I felt a sort of fear-orgasm resulting in the climax of the characteristic embodied by each of the devils. Although my victory was in no way final, I did experience a level of intuitive insight as to how to respond to these characteristics that has been invaluable since then. I compare the event of each confrontation to an orgasm for a very specific reason. Every time there was a heightening of the sensation to the point at which it somehow exhausted itself and I was totally drained of it. This was not a permanent solution to any of the problems represented by the original devils, of course, but it did help me in dealing with those problems in the future. To fully detach from all four of the representative characteristics, and by fully I mean completely and absolutely, would be a necessary preliminary to any attempt to cross the abyss. This is, of course, in the future. I have no idea how long it will take to get me to the point where the oath of the abyss is a valid option, but the culmination of my work with my angel accomplished to things: one was to provide me with a model for understanding the problem of evil, which was crucial to my spiritual progress. This is the question that has gripped me in one way or another since I was awakened to any kind of philosophy. The second thing was to clearly outline for me, to the best of my understanding at the time, what I would have to overcome to be ready for the oath of the abyss. The work of the outer college is clearly laid out. The inner college is not so simple. Things become more abstract. The guidance of the texts like Book Four, that I had relied on to chart my trajectory for almost nine years, had been replaced by the words of my angel, which had to be meticulously verified, and which were not always clear. I was officially playing without a net. The last thing to do was to fully comprehend the formula of the Rosy Cross, and wait for the Masters to grant me passage to the Inner College.

Holy Guardian Angel: A Retrospective

It's been a little over two years since I finished my HGA working, and those two years have been pretty much the most dramatic upheaval of my life since the fire, which played a significant role in setting all of this in motion. If the strain that it placed on my relationship with Sasha hadnt ended things between us, and in so doing pissed me off enough to follow her to Toronto in an attempt to win back something I hadnt wanted in the first place, I might still be stagnating in New Brunswick. That could have been nothing more than a failed relationship, but thanks to the fire, it spurred me forward to take the steps I had been already told I needed to take to perform my HGA operation instead. Now that Im back in action, it seems like a good time to write this. This isnt quite "everything old is new again," but at least I've regained some stability. Ive got a new temple, a job that I actually like, and for the first time since the fire destroyed two years of recording, Im working on music again. So the question is: what did the HGA DO for me? Personally, magically, in terms of my life, what was the result? Magically, the initial significance was that my HGA working prompted me to do the Watchtower working that would lead to The Project, being the fulfillment or manifestation of the six points of the key and the lock described in the riddle of the Assiah operation, a working itself designed to illuminate the means by which an idea becomes realized on the material plane. It would also give me a model to formulate my initiatory progress toward crossing the abyss, the next major crisis of the order. The Project is in the process of being implemented at this time of writing, November 2013. I cannot emphasize this enough: The Project is the most important result of this. This is a tool for organizing my Will and my work, the perfection of that initial riddle of how to bring things into manifestation. In other words; how to create. The act of firing the arrow is one interpretation, the personalities of the six wings is another, the riddle of Assiah is a third, and I suspect very strongly that subsequent workings will reveal more ways of interpreting this underlying idea. When we look at the thing in more than one way, we give it a variety of mediums through which to express itself. This brings us closer to understanding. In the day-to-day sense, having the angel around is interesting. There are long stretches for which I dont hear much from him, but every now and then when things are moving quickly he gets very close, and becomes constant companion. As another spirit once told me, some periods of time are clever, in the sense that every action one performs has an impact on the over-arching wave of cause/effect that one is riding. I suspect, as I

approach the abyss, these clever times will come more frequently. In a sense I believe that I am starting to see glimpses of the sort of total engagement with all aspects of all phenomena demanded by the oath of the abyss. But what about the four Great Devils? From the Lightbringer I learned the art of the deal in a very profound way. Because we were trading horses, so to speak, he forced me to ask the question "is there anyone I really WANT to send to Hell?" And to consider who that might be. If it was just a mental practice it would be an interesting one, but the spiritual force behind this working was undeniable. In addition, I learned caution. Working with the Goetia for years gave me a false sense of security when dealing with these entities. I was given cause to remember why he was a GREAT devil. From the Enemy, I got a detailed lesson in the way that demons can lie with the truth. He was telling me things I really didn't want to hear. I should have realized they were true right away, in a way they were obvious, but because of the source I was suspicious. I wound up in a bad situation because the source of information left me in denial of the truth of it. When confronting an entity of this nature one must leave NOTHING to chance. From the Many I learned to focus. Without proper temple space I couldn't confront it on this plane, so it forced me on to the astral, which was a mistake. I should have done more to find an appropriate place, by whatever means necessary. If it weren't for Auriel I would have failed utterly. The most significant thing that happened there was that I renounced the line of Adam and received the Mark of Cain, swearing an oath to devote myself utterly to crossing the abyss, with all that Liber CLVI implies. I also found that this confrontation helped me a great deal in terms of the ability to think on my feet on the astral plane. From the One Without a Master, I learned to trust my instincts. So long as I was focused on the requisite practices of yoga, that would be a safe path. This was the simplest lesson, but also the most profound. When all is said and done, its been a wild ride so far. And if Crowley is to be believed, the real fun hasnt even started yet

To Enter Atlas: Fly

I read the books of ancient knowledge and sought to understand their cipher. As I labored, it was slowly revealed to me that which had long been beyond my understanding. The riddles and codes, laid side by side, revealed that in times long past men of power had gone to the mountain while it was raining. What they saw there when they arrived (and I could scarcely credit this) was that water flows downhill. I was shocked. I was skeptical. It seemed too incredible to believe, and reason told me it was assuredly a lie. But even so, I decided to put this to the test. I went to the mountain while it was raining and, lo and behold, I saw water flowing downhill! That was the start of my troubles Exhausted by my journey, shivering from the cold and wet, I made my way to the nearest inn. As I warmed myself by the fire, a tall man approached me. He asked what seemed to be the matter. Although uncertain of myself, after careful deliberation a decision was made. I went to the mountain while it was raining, I revealed, in a hushed whisper, and I saw water flowing downhill! He seemed taken aback. I mean no offense, said the tall man. But I cant believe such nonsense as this. Ive lived forty-one years. Ive run a shop and brought up two fine children. Ive even helped to raise money for the deserving poor. But Ill tell you this; in all my forty-one years, never once have I seen water flow downhill. Ah, I objected, but have you been to the mountain while it was raining? He thought about this. No, he said. Thats crazy. Try it! I urged him. Youll see it too! I think not, said the tall man, with offended dignity. Good day. I was troubled. Still, he was only one man. Another man, a cheerier sort, came to take his place. Whats the matter with him? he asked. Speaking with less enthusiasm, I related the story of my journey and the tall mans reaction. As I spoke, a narrow-faced woman joined us. I like that, the cheery man exclaimed. Water flowing downhill! What an idea. Sounds good to me. Then youll go to the mountain, I asked hopefully, While its raining? Oh, I dont think thats necessary, said the cheery man, beaming at me. But the idea of it! I really do think its quite fascinating. Will you tell the story again? I found myself disinclined to acquiesce to his request. What Im hearing, the narrow-faced woman said, her mouth turning down at the corners as wormlike shadows arched their backs on her brow, is that, in your opinion, water flows downhill, and in the tall mans opinion, it does not.

That is the gist of the story, I admitted, but you see, I went to the mountain while it was raining. When I did that, I saw water flowing downhill. Differences of opinion are understandable, the narrow-faced woman concluded. But thats okay! Its okay that you believe water flows downhill, and its okay that he does not! she beamed, benevolently. I will not censure you for your opinion, nor he for his. But will you go to the mountain when its raining? I asked. If you did that, you might see what Im talking about. Please dont try to indoctrinate me, she said, drawing herself up to her full height. It will not work. I dont have time for your dogma. I was somewhat despondent as I left the inn. I decided to seek out for a more scholarly opinion. I paid a visit to the respected alienist, Doctor Holophrase. As I spoke, he listened with growing excitement. He was a short man composed of interlocked circles with round glasses and a large, drooping mustache. Youve hit upon something that has been subject of a great deal of study lately, Doctor Holophrase told me, absently chewing his moustache. A great deal indeed. Why, I myself have written several papers on this very topic. I was relieved. So youve been to the mountain while it was raining, I exclaimed, thats wonderful! Doctor Holophrase chuckled and shook his head. My, my, you are quite a character, his smile was warm and indulgent. I know the books say that these men went to the mountain while it was raining and saw water flowing downhill, but we mustnt take it literally. That would be madness! The mountain isnt a mountain, the rain isnt rain, and what is meant by the assertion that water flows downhill is really anybodys guess. No, he said, pausing for a moment to remove a small hair from between his teeth, I believe that the mountain symbolizes the stillness of the womb. The rain symbolizes the hardship of life. And the idea that water flows downhill is an allegory for the journey from unhappiness to happiness. One does not go to the mountain while it is raining, one learns to see ones own life as an epic journey. Look at the great myths! Gilgamesh fought against many foes only to be killed by a poisonous serpent. This can be a great comfort to the man who is afraid of his supervisor, or the woman who cannot confront the roommate that is stealing from her. Those are the monsters they face in their lives. The heroes of the great stories did not win all of their battles, how can my poor patients be expected to win theirs? This makes my patients very happy, to realize that they are no worse than the mightiest kings of legend. The Epic of Gilgamesh, the heroic tales of Norse mythology, the loves and battles of the Greek Gods, the sublime symbolism of the many Hindu idols, these are all different ways of saying that one sees water flowing downhill if one goes to the mountain while its raining. What rot! I heard a voice from outside the office exclaim. Who are you brainwashing now, Holophrase? the speaker stepped into the office.

This ejaculation proceeded from a slender man who was all right angles and pinstripes. I am Doctor Interarticular, he said, and I have quite a different view. Lets hear it, I was all ears. It is not enough to read about these symbols, Doctor Interarticular explained, One must act! Of course! I agreed, as Doctor Holophrase clucked his tongue and shook his head. So youve been to the mountain while it was raining and seen water flow downhill? My dear boy, it was Doctor Interarticulars turn to don the indulgent smile, Havent we all? In one way or another? Well, no actually, what Ive been finding- I began, but the excited alienist cut me off abruptly. We all must, in some way or other, act out the drama of going to the mountain while its raining and seeing water flow downhill. We do not do this by looking to backward-minded myths and legends, Yes we do, Doctor Holophrase said. No we dont. Dont interrupt, Doctor Interarticular chastised him. We must become the hero of our OWN drama. We must learn to see every obstacle we face as going to the mountain while its raining and seeing water flow downhill. We dont need all the old symbols, just this one new symbol. That way, we can free it from all the sexism, racism, elitism, violence, sectarianism, and dogma of the symbols that old farts like this Holophrase, upon this unkind characterization several of the interlocking circles that made up the mustachioed alienists body spun frantically about, love to cling to. This is a story that we can clean up! We can make it right! We can set it straight! Doctor Interarticulars pinstripes would have swelled with pride if not for the fact that this would have disrupted his right-angled theme. Its perfect. You dont need to go to the mountain when its raining at all. You become the rain. And the mountain. And you flow downhill over yourself, free of all prejudice, but spiritually alive. Do you see? I left the office. When I stepped outside, I found myself accosted by two slight young women. They approached me with excitement. Theyve been saying that you went to the mountain while it was raining! The first, who was called Lugubria exclaimed. And you saw water flow downhill! The second, who was called Larvae added, with equal enthusiasm. Thats amazing! Can you take us there? they asked in unison. I suppose, I said hesitantly. But the mountain is well, its right over there. Why dont you go yourselves? Maybe if you could just lead the way? they asked. I began to take a few steps toward the mountain, and I pointed at it, its right there, I repeated. Just do as I do and walk this way, I walked for about

twenty minutes in peace, but when I turned to look behind me I saw that the two slight young women had not moved from the spot. I returned to them, puzzled. We were just waiting for the right time to start, they said. Is that the mountain, over there? It is, I said for the third time, with growing impatience. Just go to that mountain while its raining and youll see water flow downhill. I guarantee! They seemed unconvinced. Id like to, Lugubria said, but Im not sure I have time to go to the mountain while its raining and see water flowing downhill. And I, said Larvae, think that it looks too hard. Well, I tried to be gentlemanly about the thing, it is a long journey, yes. The rain is cold and wet. It isnt easy, per se, but it is fairly simple. You need only keep the mountain before you and place one foot in front of the other, and sooner or later youll get there. All that needs doing then is to wait for rain, which is bound to come eventually. Effort is required, the willingness to tolerate a little hardship, and patience. But with those three things youre certain to see water flowing downhill. Could you help me? asked Larvae. How do you mean? I was perplexed. She batted her eyelashes at me, Well, she said, pressing a finger to her lips suggestively, if you would only turn me toward the mountain, pick up my left foot, and place it before my right, it would help me get started. This struck me as rather silly, as she seemed perfectly capable of doing this for herself, but one does try to be a gentleman. I took form hold of her shoulders and turned her toward the mountain. I then picked up her left foot and placed it before her right. There! I said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. Got the idea? Now, Larvae said, smiling sweetly, if you could just pick up my right foot, and place it before my left I turned my back on them both and walked away. As the two young women faded into the distance (for all I know they remain on that spot to this day) I approached the town square. As I got closer, I could hear voices shouting, and they grew steadily clearer. When I found that I could make out what they were saying, I was astonished by what I heard. Water flows downhill! one voice said. It has come to pass, as has been written of old, that when rain falleth on the mountain, whoso seeth it shall see the water flow downhill! Water truly does flow downhill! said the second voice. Read all about it right here! I was astonished. I rushed to the square to find two portly young men with broad, vacant smiles distributing pamphlets. Brother! they greeted me in unison. Water flows downhill! I know! I said, slightly out of breath from running, so youve been to the

mountain when it was raining? What are your names? The first portly young man, bearded and beaming, spoke up. I am Noncompment, he said. And you better believe Ive been to the mountain when it was raining. And I am Inflagrantdelict, announced a bespectacled specimen. I too have been to the mountain when it was raining. Have some of our literature, he pushed a pamphlet at me. I read it with considerable interest. Whats this, I asked, about the Venusian law? The Venusian law states, Inflagrantdelict explained gravely, that people residing in the eastern half of the village are forbidden from breaking bread with people residing in the western half of the village. Well I know, I began. It is an unjust law, Noncompment stated emphatically. Anyone who has been to the mountain while it was raining would agree. Well I agree that it is an unjust law, I said, and I have been to the mountain while it was raining and seen water flowing downhill, but Im not sure what one thing has to do with the other. It is obvious, said Noncompment. Anyone can see that. Perfectly obvious, agreed Inflagrantdelict. I dont see what your problem is. Do you WANT people from the eastern half of the village to be forbidden from breaking bread with people from the western half of the village? No, its not that, I insisted. I just dont see a connection. Well there is one, Noncompment snarled. I read further. What is this business about petitioning the village elders to appoint the mountain as burgomaster when harvest season arrives? They both laughed uproariously. Great, isnt it, Noncompment guffawed. Thatll show the village elders! Show them what? I asked, confused. Oh, he said with a dreamy look in his eye, it will show them all right. He answered your question, Inflagrantdelict added in an instructive tone of voice. Is there anything else we can help you understand about our program? I eyed them both with growing suspicion. I turned to Inflagrantdelict and asked, When you went to the mountain, what road did you take? It was off the beaten path, he said, after a moments hesitation. You wouldnt know about the way I got to the mountain. It is far too mysterious for one of your lowly attainments. I considered this. I turned to Noncompment and asked the same question. I traveled by the silver road, he said with confidence. This was fine by me, as that was the very same road I had taken. But it came to me that there was something I remembered. When I saw water flowing down the side of the mountain, I had noticed that when it was moving fast over the rocks, little white bubbles formed on the surface. I hadnt mentioned this to anybody, nor did there seem to be anything about it in the pamphlet.

When you saw water flowing downhill, I asked them both, did you notice anything interesting happen when it was moving fast over the rocks? Ive had it with these personal attacks! Noncompment objected. We answer your questions, but you dont answer ours. I am, quite frankly, shocked and appalled by this, Inflagrantdelict agreed. I left them too. Time wore on. I returned to the mountain while it was raining, for my own sake, as often as I could. When I was there, I forgot the deniers, the narrowfaced apologizers, the cheerful idiots, the insubstantial alienists, the silly young women, and the deluded young men. I just went, and I watched. I lost myself in the motion of the water over the rocks. I observed the little pebbles, sticks and mud that it carried in its current, and the dreamy motion that slowly swept away everything in its path. I knew, for I had seen the face of the mountain change with the rain, hour by hour, day by day, year by year, that this peaceful, delicate action would, over thousands of years, completely transform the rocky edifice into something new that I could not possibly imagine. I would not live to see it, of course, but what I had seen showed me with certainty that it would happen. Knowledge of this, of an order and power beyond myself moving to create a whole new thing out of that gigantic mountain, filled me with a certain quiet vigor. I wont say that it made me happy and I wont say that I was at peace, but thinking of it gave me a thrill. And so, hard though the journey was, I kept going back. I didnt see it, as some might, as the destruction of the mountain. I saw it as a creation of the rain, and I took great pleasure in watching the water flow and thinking of the possibilities. One day, many years later, I was sitting on my porch enjoying the sunshine, when a young man and a young woman passed by. They moved with purposeful intent. They were speaking together in hushed whispers. They strode past me, almost without a second glance. Just as they were walking by, the young man stopped. Hey, he called out to me, almost over his shoulder. Is that the way to the mountain? he asked, pointing. Yes, I said. It is. Thanks! they replied in unison, and resumed their course. That made me smile. I thought it must be a sign of something. Perhaps, I mused aloud to myself, I should start smoking a pipe. Then again perhaps not.