Christian Kolouch Fieldwork Journal 5.

2 March 2, 2014 Staying on theme from the last few weeks, I want to talk about authenticity in a general sense. Im wondering what it means to teach ideas that I dont necessarily incorporate into my life? In particular, Im thinking of one of my all time favorite essays. I still remember the first time I read Henry David Thoreaus Civil Disobedience. American Lit: 250 taught by Dr. Rachel Barnett. Before reading that essay I had always felt a certain frustration with the world: it didnt seem fair, the wealth of injustices were all too obvious, the absurd hypocrisies of the world were far too frequent, and it seemed impossibly difficult to just enjoy ones life. Reading this essay, I realized that this was nothing new, and that Thoreaus intelligent response to such absurdity was something very in line with my nature: I loved the idea of rebellion. My favorite writers were genre rebels, my favorite musicians tore at the boundaries, my favorite thinkers refused to accept the readily available status quo and instead wandered into the uncertain, in search of discovering the truth. With this as a primary influence, almost a distant cosigner, I lived rebelliously, not in a political sense, but in a social sense. When someone told me to do something, I did the opposite. When I was advised to try something, I stuck with what I knew. When I was advised to eschew opportunity for comfort, I zealously attacked the unknown hoping to live in union with my beliefs. My rebellion had no aim, but instead was waged for its own sake. I liked living like this, I didnt mind the excitement or trouble that it brought me, I appreciated the novelty of new experience, and the continuous challenges made me a better man. However, eventually I realized that I had read Thoreau through a very vain lens and interpreted it the way I wanted to; I completely neglected the notions of social justice and instead allowed it to further my latent desire for adventure. Though I was rebellious in a certain sense, I was completely obedient in others: I always paid my taxes, Ive been to one protest in my life - begrudgingly, and I purchase clothing that I am completely certain is manufactured through child labor. I am entirely obedient, and any disobedience has been an avenue for my vanity. With this, what does it mean for me to teach Civil Disobedience, or many social justice issues for that matter, when I am essentially obedient and do very little to promote justice? In my eyes, it means that I am perpetuating the same hypocrisy I once loathed, sometimes still loathe. Though, this no longer disrupts my sense of self, it frustrates me. I dont want to be this person, leaving me with a few options. I can either start protesting. I can stop teaching Civil Disobedience. Or I can play a soulless guitar for my students and indulge hypocrisy. To be honest, knowing who I am, and my various ambitions, Im pretty sure I know what I am going to do.