Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR

Speaking and Listening

Job Interview – Media Studies Teacher

Thomas Wheeler - Dr. Iver Harden

Aron Nelson - Mr. Peter Ian Staker
Richard Pittman - Ms. Ben Dover

Staker: (Sat down. Speaking on Intercom to Dover – holding button down)

Yes Ms. Dover, I’m ready - call in Mr. Uh, Harden?

Harden: (Walking in) Good day to you, Mr. Staker.

Staker: Hello, and welcome to St. Maximus Upper School, Mr. Iver Harden.
(Shaking hands) Is that your, uh, birth name?

Harden: Oh no, I was embarrassed of my real name, always being made fun of.
It was, ahem, Dickus, Biggus Dickus – a big fan of Pythons, my dad.
I’d definitely rather your name, though – less obvious.

Staker: Less obvious? What do you mean?

Harden: Well, you know, Peter Ian Staker. P.I.Staker –

Staker: - Anyway! Can I offer you a drink of some kind? (Moving to a drinks
cabinet) I like having things less formal, hence the half unbuttoned
shirt. I’m wearing shorts under here too, you know, for when it gets
“stuffy”.

Harden: Oh, uh, yes please. (Moving next to Staker) I feel like swallowing
down some coc- coke. Could you whip me out a glass?

Staker: A brave man. (Pours drink and hands to Harden – starts drinking)
Don’t ram it all down your throat in one go – unless, that is, you plan on
showing off - gargling a bit? (Harden choking) No? Oh well, maybe
next time...

(Both sit down) Back to the point of being here, however. You are
applying for the Media Studies teaching position, right? (Starts
flicking through folders, before stopping suddenly) Oh, who am I
kidding, of course you are! – It’s the only position left to conquer! Well,
we’re looking for someone with previous experience in the Media, can
you tell me about your last job, it mentions the movie industry?

Harden: Yes, of course. Well, for the past ten years, I’ve been an actor,
although it’s unlikely that you would’ve seen my work. You see, it’s
very, uh... Independent – you know, mostly late night/early hours
Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR
Speaking and Listening

showings, made for TV and straight-to-DVD movies – none of those

CGI-laden blockbusters.
Since I’m aging a fair bit in the past few years (being 47 and all), work
is tiring me. I can’t compete with or stand up to the younger
generation’s standards –

Staker: The train has gone off the rails. The horn just doesn’t blow as hard.

Harden: Exactly – it’s like a part of myself is AWOL and I just can’t go on.

Staker: Ah, we’ve all been there – the one legged race.

Harden: Hole in one! ... Which is also something I can’t do any more. Anyway, I
started turning to writing and directing these movies – on occasion,
I’ve, uh, how do I say this, I’ve, well I’ve made my own, unique, take,
on classics such as Sleepless in Seattle, What Women Want, When
Harry Met Sally and There’s Something About Mary, amongst many
others, (drinking) my most proud being Forrest (hiccup) Hump, Star
(hiccup) -hores, In- (hiccup) diana Jones, and Free Willy.

Staker: Pace yourself - there’s no prize at the end! Well... a s0mall one, you
could say – bragging rights! Here, take this carrier bag, I was taught
that blowing into it can help stop hiccups. (Blowing) See, gone now –
you’re very good, I must say. Have you done that before?

Harden: I’ve had some experience, you could say, yes. Although I’ve definitely
not been typecast, as I’ve had a range of roles over the years. For
instance, I’ve played a postman called Percy.

Staker: “Percy’s got a big parcel for you”.

Harden: A spy called Tom.

Staker: A Peeping Tom, you could say.

Harden: A plumber.

Staker: “These pipes need plumbing, Ms”.

Harden: A home decorator.

Staker: “These walls are dry, let’s splash on some paint”.

Harden: A priest and a psychologist.

Staker: “Tell me your darkest sin, child”.

Harden: A doctor.

Staker: “Is it sore when you rub it?”.

Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR
Speaking and Listening

Harden: A nurse, too.

Staker: Uh, “Is it sore when I rub it?”.

Harden: A librarian.

Staker: (Quiet voice) “Shhh! Be quiet! And don’t run either!”.

Harden: A milkman.

Staker: “Is Mr. Skywalker not home today?”.

Harden: A college student.

Staker: Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.

Harden: A window cleaner.

Staker: I bet you squeezed your sponge a lot! Rub-a-dub-dub.

Harden: A cowboy.

Staker: “There’s a snake in my boot!”.

Harden: An astronaut.

Staker: “One small step for mankind”. Or is it,“To infinity and beyond”. No, it’s,
“To boldly go where no man has gone before.”?

Harden: A lollipop, uh, lady.

Staker: “You shall not pass!”.

Harden: A zookeeper.

Staker: Did you keep the animals in cages?

Harden: Haha, hard to tell - they were very wild! I’ve also played a traffic
warden.

Staker: “That’s 3 points on your license and a £60 fine, unless...”.

Harden: I once played Father Christmas.

Staker: “All the good boys and girls, I’ll be coming down your chimneys tonight
with my big sack. Ho, ho, ho!”.

Harden: A policeman.

Staker: “You’re under arrest. ‘Cuff her”.

Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR
Speaking and Listening

Harden: A judge.

Staker: (Slams hand down like a mallet) “Guilty!

Harden: “... Of being so damn gorgeous”. A butcher.

Staker: “You can’t get no more meat on those scales!”.

Harden: A builder, an estate agent and a secretary.

Staker: A secretary...? You seem familiar.... Maybe I’ve seen that one...?

Harden: (Agitated) Umm... Perhaps. (Moving on) Either way, I’ve also played
an optician.

Staker: “It’s too small for you to make out...?”.

Harden: An archaeologist.

Staker: “I hate snakes!”.

Harden: A spiritualist.

Staker: “The queen is now so old, it’s haunted.”

Harden: An orthodontist.

Staker: “So, these are the braces and the retainers.... Or as I like to call them,
“Restrain(h)ers and Retain(h)ers.

Harden: A powerful but peaceful warrior from a distant alien planet full of people
with tails.

Staker: “It’s over 9000!”.

Harden: I wish... A baseball player.

Staker: Did you ever bat for the other side?

Harden: Only once. Twice, possibly. Ok, ok, a few times. I’ve played a prison
inmate.

Staker: I bet you smelled horrible. Slippery soap?

Harden: Actually, no. I showered twice a day, favourite part of the day – very
refreshing. Although you’re right about the soap.... Bad back, too.
I’ve also played a teacher in a wizard school, so you could say I’ve had
some experience in education already.

Staker: “Don’t make me get my wand out”.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll want to know about the job position. Being a
Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR
Speaking and Listening

part of the council, you get the usual holidays, special discounts, offers
and dental plan. A typical Media Studies teacher starts on a salary of
£22,000, with a special bonus –

Harden: Sorry, did you say bone- No, no. Sorry, please continue.

Staker: (Confused/Dazed - Clarifying)... A bonus, at Christmas, of up to

£500, for those teachers that work a lot of overtime.

Harden: Ah, “overtime”.... Back in my old business, we were well aware and
involved with that concept. I hope it’ll be more enjoyable for both of us
here.

Staker: Getting along with everyone and working as a team is important here,
will this be a problem?

Harden: Definitely not. As an actor, there were many times I was relied upon to
perform in groups, sometimes up to around six. Men, women, fat, thin,
black, white, tall, short – I’m definitely not prejudice.

Staker: Ah, very good, very good. You’ll be well liked here, I’m sure. (“Mr.
Burns’ hands/fingers” and “that” voice) Very popular indeed.
(Long pause – about 5 seconds)

Dover: (Walks in with files – both men keep staring at short skirt and long
leggy stockings) Here are the files you asked for, Mr. Staker.

Staker: Thank you very much, Ms. Dover. That’ll be all. For now, of course.

Harden: (As Dover is leaving) Dover? Are you related to Old Ben Kenobi?

Dover: (Staring, with a piercing gaze, at Harden) Now, that's a name I've
not heard in a long time. A long time. Why, well, um, yes, as a matter of
fact. Although I’m surprised you know her by her stage name - that’s
my mother. I’m Ben Dover Jr. You know Ben Kenobi?

Harden: Well, of course I know her - It’s me! Only joking, mostly through
reputation, but I once worked on a film with her, one of the best I’ve
ever made – definitely much better received than the prequel-sequels.
It’s an honour to meet her, well, her “prodigy”. Would you like to catch
up on “old times” (Drinking), maybe, Ben Dover Jr.?

Dover: (Angry) If you make another remark like that, I’ll slam ‘ew, butt.

Harden: Really? Shall we make it, say, 12pm straight up, at Star (hiccup) ucks?

Dover: Hmph, if you can think you can handle it, old man.
Thomas Wheeler English: Paired 11A1/AR
Speaking and Listening

Staker: (Dover walks out, Harden starring at her again. Oblivious)

Uh, rise and shine, soldier. (No answer) Why aren’t you at your post?
Stand to attention! (Still nothing, nothing except a small sigh,
missing Dover already) DON’T MAKE ME BEAT YOU! Come to your
senses, boy!

Harden: Come? Beat me? To submission? Uh, after Ben Dover, perhaps.

Staker: (Completely bedazzled) Whiskey tango foxtrot!? Well, anyway ,I

think that’s about it. There’s not many more people to interview, so you
should get an answer by next Friday. It’s been a pleasure to meet you,
Iver Harden, or should I call you Biggus? –

Harden: Hey! You P.I. Staker, you. Anyway, the pleasure was all mine, Mr.
Staker. Thank you very much for taking the time to consider me for the
position. And even if I don’t get it, I wish you good luck with the school
and with finding someone to successfully fill the position.

Staker: The same goes, of course. Let me show you out.

(Both move to door, Staker accidently knocks over some folders)
Oh, silly me. I’ll just pick these up.

Harden: (Kneeling down) Oh no, please, let me. It’s the least I can do.
(Head very close to Staker’s legs, Harden hands folders to Staker)
Here you go, Staker.

Staker: (Seeing Harden’s “position”) My gosh! I recognise you now! You’ve

got the position! I mean, you've got the job!

Harden: (Harden and Staker both quickly fully unbuttoning shirt and
removing trousers – DON’T act out. Mime! – Dover bursts in and
does the same.) Let’s go and, ahem, “celebrate”!

The End