vampire

is just not that into

the

you

vlad mezrich

INTRODUCTION

so . . . you want to date a vampire.

his is not a question. Of course you want to date a vampire. Who doesnt want to date a vampire? You might think its as easy as showing a little neck, picking a few scabs, and looking helpless in all the right places (when a cars about to hit you, when a mountain lions about to eat you, when the teacher calls on you and you dont know the answer because youve been daydreaming about your hypothetical vampire lover, etc.). But its not as simple as that. Sure, sometimes you might be able to warm the space where his heart used to be. But a lot of the time, the vampire is just not that into you. Youd think that vampires would be easy to read, with their astonishingly translucent skin and all. Well, think again. Telling the difference can be a matter of life and death for your relationship (as well as a matter of life and death for your, well, life). This book is meant to help. I, Vlad Mezrich, will show you all the ins and outs, ups and downs, bleedings and healings of dating a vampire. I will let you know what hes thinking when hes with you, what hes thinking when hes without you, and what you can do to make him yoursmorning, noon, and twilight. After all, it takes one to know one. And I, Vlad Mezrich, most denitely am one.

so...you want to date a vampire % 7

is he a goth, emo, gamer, or vampire?

Hes been celebrating his 18th birthday for three years.

yes

start
%
His idea of a perfect date is a long walk on the beach in virtual reality.

no

:
o help you navigate these confusing subcultures, we have come up with a simple quiz. Choose the path that best applies to the boy, and well let you know to what set he belongs. Is he captivated by your molars? Is he impressed by the extensive range of black in your wardrobe? Guys are even harder to read than girls, so let us help you gure out if your crush is as out of this world as you think he is.
He hates Happy Meals (even with the toy).

yes

no

He refuses to answer to any name other than his screen name.

He has more piercings than you do.

yes
He has a trench coat for every day of the week.

no
His idea of dressing up is adding a studded belt to tight jeans.

yes

no

no

yes

His favorite snack is a blood orange.

no

yes

His usage of black eyeliner rivals yours.

yes

no

no

yes

yes

no

His idea of popularity is having too many friend requests on MySpace.

yes

no

He wears SPF 30 as a preventive measure against too much exposure to computer screens.

He knows the Top 10 hit songs from 2009 . . . and 1999, 89, 79, 69, 59 . . .

His hands are always cold, even in 90-degree weather.

yes

no

no

yes
His is the only family that leaves its Halloween decorations up until February.

no

yes

gamer
%
Looks like his pale skin is really a sign of solar deciency.

emo
%
He drinks only his own blood.

goth
%
Youll never have to shop at the Gap again!

no

yes

vampire
%
May you grow old together . . . sort of.

18 % the vampire is just not that into you

is he a vampire, or just a vampire wannabe? % 19

getting to know your vampires needs

Every relationship involves compromise. On your side, at least. If you want to be with a vampire, you have to embrace some of your differences . . . and compensate for your weaknesses by accommodating his strengths.

EspREssO sHOTs NEEdEd FOR VAmpIRE dATEs

Movie night Crypt cuddling Talking about how handsome he is Baseball Monster homecoming dance

% sleep
He doesnt need sleep, and you dont want to be thought of as a snooze. In the rst heady months, he might occasionally enjoy watching you sleep. But its always more fun if you fake-sleep instead, accidentally murmuring his name while arching your neck. (Do I really have to tell you how to play the game?) However, I know the weak little esh vessel that is your body needs downtime . . . so what to do? The answer, my mortal friend, is catnapping and caffeine.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Number of shots

% blood
Is there a local slaughterhouse nearby? Good. Put on a raincoat and plan to spend some time on the killing oor. Youre going to need to build up your gag reex if youre in love with a bloodsucker. Nothing will put your vampire off his tasty blood meals faster than a mortal girl puking in the background.

WHEN TO slEEp WITHOUT BORINg yOUR VAmpIRE

16% Gym class 3% At red lights (when driving) 14% In the car (when not driving) 19% Church (if you still go) 12% School assemblies

36% Health class

% cold
You are a ery 98.6 degrees, but he is one cool customer. You want to spend eternity snuggled in his arms, but its cold. Arctic, icy, frigidly cold. Your body will be tempted to shiver, but dont. Theres nothing sexy about a hypothermic girlfriend. So start your cold-tolerance training now. Begin by cranking the AC, then move on to cold showers. By the time you graduate to ice baths, he might just nd you tolerable.

74 % the vampire is just not that into you

vampires are from transylvania, girls are from pennsylvania % 75

decoding what he does when hes around you

HES INTO YOU
Attempting to drink your blood

TYpICAL RELATIONSHIp TRAJECTORY

60 50

Instances

Poems left in your locker Hours spent watching you sleep Attempts to kill you

40 30 20 10 0 0 1 2 3 4 5

Longing stares

Weeks

Attempting to save your life

Heart-melting smiles

AVERAGE RELATIONSHIp LENGTH BASED ON GIRLFRIEND TYpE Type of girl

Tanned cheerleaders

Mournful sighs

HES SO OVER YOU

Longing stares Heart-melting smiles

Pale cheerleaders Bubbly drama queens Mopey drama queens Coordinated goths Clumsy goths

Mournful sighs

Attempting to drink your blood

Attempting to save your life

10

15

20

25

30 35

Number of Days

132 % the vampire is just not that into you

its not him, its you % 133