Motivation
Score 2/6
Comment [WU1]: Ok good. Yet not
specific. This paragraph claims that money
is a driving force for motivation yet you
failed ot support it using compelling facts
that are specific.
Comment [WU2]: But how can I not
disagree if you didn't give me an example
of fear as a motivator.
What motivates people to change? I believe there are two main factors. The first
is fear and the second is money. The reason people study for exams or work hard in
anything is because of the fear of failure. As for money you one just can’t live with out it.
The whole world revolves around money. It makes life easier and much more convenient.
Ok. A good introductory paragraph. You mean then that motivation is solely
extrinsic, coming from without and not from within, and never a combination of both?
The whole point of life is to go through school and be successful so that you one
can earn money. Money is a key factor for life nowadays, there are competition all
around the world over wealth and fame. Everyone wants to be wealthy so they persevere
through hardships in order to be able to support a family, or just buy a car that they’ve
always wanted. Some people even take drastic measures such as thievery and murder. If
money wasn’t a motivator then there would be no crime in the world.
When people are afraid they do things that they never thought they would be able
to do. Anyone who has something to lose is some one who is motivated by fear. This fear
is often used to take advantage of people. Many dictators along the years have used fear
as a motivator. Now it might not work in the long term affect but it will get things done
quickly. Many managers use fear to motivate their workers and push them to get their job
done. You cannot disagree with me until you have witnessed an example of this type of
motivation. (Again, no specificity here. Also, don't you think that this paragraph and the
above one overlap in some way? Earning money for a living is driven by fear as well as
money. Fear of not supporting one's family for example or fear of neediness…)
In the end it all comes down to money and fear. Whether it's fear of failure or just
fear of being mocked, fear is a motivator. So if you ever want some one to get something
done, you can choose one of two ways. Either bribe them or take shake them up a bit.
You can never go wrong with either of the two. ( Overgeneralization. You are assuming
too much on part of the reader.)

This is an attempt to write a successful essay. You need to ponder some issues here.

Abdulaziz Atwah

Comment [WU1]: If you are copying
the same phrase form the prompt you'll
have ot quote it.
Comment [WU2]:
This contrasts you claim in the introduction
on that change come from inside. As such,
your opinion is weakened.
Comment [WU3]: ???
Comment [WU4]: fragment
Thursday 28, 2009
Esaay h.w. October
Motivation
Score 2/6
Can humans be motivated to change things in them ?them?, the
real question is "what motivates people to change?" , change comes
usually from inside and its results will be discovered later from the
outside. To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure from the
results.
There are many things that motivates people to change, like wealth,
beeing athletic, inteligence, etc….. .The main thing that motivates people
in these days is beeing wealth; however, money is not everything. For
example, a person from the middle class meets his old friend, who
became a wealthy man now, this motivates him to work harder and he
might be promoted; this happens in these days and maybe everyday.
Here is the perfect place to narrow the evidence by supplying a specific
example.
Another example, that might be more important than having
money, is the inteligence point, and that happens in school, in atwork,
and even in everyday life. Two friends, one an average and the second is
an excellent person in the class, and this what makes the average people
be motivated to be an excellent ones. You paragraph is still too broad
lacking specificity.
As we can see motivation might be a positive and a negative thing in
humans' lifelives. Motivation might results in change in positive way, by
beeingbeing better than you where, and in a negative, by beeingbeing
selfish and loving your selfyourself only.

Comment [WU1]: Love this movie 
Comment [WU2]: ?
Comment [WU3]: revise
Score 5/6 Abdulrahman Abou Hamdan
What motivates people to change? Change can be prompted by different
reasons. It can be external factors, internal factors, or a little mixture of
both. Hardships, other people, and many other factors may motivate
people to change their lives and achieve their goals. Good introduction. I
would've liked your including a snapshot of the subsequent examples.
One great example of self-motivation is Anan Al Galali. As a
young man he fled to Europe, fearing the wrath of his family, after failing
high school in Egypt. He struggled to survive as a stranger in Europe.
Looking for jobs in Denmark, he saw how jobless people where living.
They lived under bridges and found no food to eat. Anan then decided to
make something out of himself.
He looked for jobs. He didn’t care what he had to do for a living,
.he just wanted to survive. He later found an opportunity as a dish washer
in a hotel. They rejected him several him several times until they agreed
to give him the job in exchange for food. Later he showed the hotel
manager that he is a competent employee and he started to get paid. As
time passed he started climbing up the ladder of success until one day he
became the manager of the hotel. More years passed and eventually he
became the owner of the hotel. Today he is the proud owner of the world
wide Anan Hotel Group. This is the perfect place to end your paragraph
by reflecting on this incident again in more depth.
An example of motivation caused by others is in the movie “A
Walk to Remember”. In the movie a high school popular kid fell falls in
trouble one too many times. As a repercussion he was is forced to tutor
younger kids and participate in the school play. In the school play he met
a young girl. She was religious and didn’t care what other kids in the
school thought of her. He fell in love with her, and later found out that
she had leukemia. He was impressed of how she lived her life to the
fullest and was motivated by her to become a better person. He became a
better student and human being and eventually entered medical school.
Mke sure you sue the present tense when summarizing the plot.
Motivation can be caused by different factors. Some work hard on
their own, some are helped by other people, and some get a little of both
to assist. In the end the most important thing is to possess the will to
change, hopefully for the better.
Very good essay.

Comment [WU1]: Ok you quoted from
the prompt. That is fine as long as you
reflect on the prompt in the introduction.
Do you share the same thoughts as the
author, do you disagree, do you qualify?
Take clear stand on the issue. That is what
your essay corrector wants. It's time to take
a stand and support with details.
How to Change?
Score 2/6
'To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger
risk though we seldom feel that way. There is no choice but to change. People, however,
cannot be motivated to change from the outside. All of our motivation comes from
within.' Adapted from Ward Sybouts, Planning in school Administration: A Handbook.
In The short story “One Thousand Dollars” by O.henry. Bobby Gillian inherited one
thousand dollars from his very wealthy uncle. His uncle’s will states, however, that
Gillian has to explain in writing how the money is spent, but Gillian was an irresponsible
person for all the people around him., Bbecause of this his uncle made a quiz for him to
see if he changes. By giving him a thousand dollars and seeing how he will spends them.
So Gillian asks several people for their advice on how best to spend his fortune. The
surprise was that he gave all his money to the girl that lived with his uncle Mrs. Miriam
Hayden, and when he went to the lawyer to tell him about what he did, the lawyer told
him about the $50000 that he will inherit if he spends the money in a useable things, and
if Hayden. After Gillian knew this he said a surprising thing for all the people, “I lost the
thousand dollars on the races. Good day to you, gentlemen. “. He left all the money he
dreamt of to make his love Mrs. Miriam gets happy. This shows that love is one of the
things that make people change to be better. Ok . Too specific. You have summarized the
plot of a short story and should a glimpse of reflection only in the last sentence. You
should focus on the motivation part and show insight on it while narrating the plot.
To change to a better person is an important step in every person’s life. There are
many things that force people to change. One of these things is love, because the person
or thing u love will force u to change to make him happy or to satisfy everyone around
you. The change is to take a big risk in one’s life, and work in this change until its perfect
and shown to all people you love or around you.
This is an attempt to write a successful essay. Please read comments above to inform you
for later writings.

Comment [WU1]: Too broad.
Remember that your title should reflect
the content of your essay and that the title
always leads you and limits the breadth of
your essay if you are in danger of
digression.
Comment [WU2]: Comma splice
resulting in run-on sentence.
Comment [WU3]: Scholastic year? Your
age?
Comment [WU4]: Consider revising.
Error in sentence structure.
Comment [WU5]: Use euphemism
here. Remember that your SAT corrector is
a high school teacher and this might offend
him/her. Also, this is not a standard English
expression.
Comment [WU6]: Do not start a new
sentence with "but'. Also this sentence
does not contrast the earlier one, on the
contrary it supports it.
Comment [WU7]: Overused
expression. Revise.
Comment [WU8]: Revise.
Comment [WU9]: Too wordy. Revise
Amin Bekdash Score 3/6
Motivation
Motivation is an important aspect in our lives. It can change people to the better.I
have once been motivated by a person that who changed my life forever. Some people
can be motivated by speeches others by acts, I was motivated by an act. A speech that
really drifted me away. ( Great introduction. You stated your opinion purposefully and
clearly and you promise an evidence for support
In years 10 and 11, I had lower grades than I had earliarearlier in my days. I was not
studying, always going out, never come back before 1:00 A.M. the next day I would
sleep in class and the teachers would kick me out of class. But, for me it was a really
hard year for me because my grandfather just pastpassed away and I was really close to
him. From when I was young I would cry just to sit on in his lap, and I never wanted to
leave with my parents to the grocery store or the park. When he pastpassed away, I was
appalled, ;I was always thinking about him and I always would always go out to forget
about him but it would never work. I was so distracted that my life was like an
unsolvable unsolved puzzle.
Once my dad came to me and asked why my grades were bad and then he told me that
he knows knew that I’m I was shocked but that I had to let it go. He told me that
grandpa would not be happy if ur I was not happy, . Hhe told me that grandpa would
not be happy if you I got low grades,hegrades. He told me that grandpa would not be
happy if he knows knewthat your mom is wascrying everyday on you me because you I
have changed to the worse. When my dad told me this ,I could hear my blood circulate
in my body. I could see my blouse going up and down from the force of my hearts
pumping. Fankly, I was touched. The speech that my father gave changed my life
forever. ( Ok. So your evidence is a personal experience one. You have given a glimpse
of critical thinking here. The evidence was rather not sufficient so I would prefer that
you support your opinion with an additional one( not extended from your personal
experience. The majority of your paragraph above mentions how your granfather's
death affected your life and this gives a sense of personal narrative where the title
might be "lose of a dear one". Whereas your paid meager attention to the "motivation",
limited to the last two sentences or so.

Comment [WU10]: Indefinite
antecedent Revise the whole sentence.
I learned that people are very sensitive, that they are affected by deep emotions.
After that glouriousglorious day, I was motivated to get better grades, I was ambitious
to become what I already was. And now because of that speech I got a
scholershipscholarship to one of the most famous universities in the world which made
everyone happy.
You can do better if you concentrate on the issue at hand and do not digress. Please
read the comments and feedback carefully as these will inform you later writings.
 Inspiration leads to Motivation
Score 2/6

Have you ever been so dedicated and enthusiastic about achieving your goal?
Probably yes, because most people have dreams to accomplish. In my opinion I think
that people get motivated when they are inspired. Inspiration leads people to have the
motivation to achieve theirthere goals and what is in their minds. So what you are saying
implicitly is that motivation to change comes from within or without to change?

When you areone is inspired, youone believes that you are able to do anything.
Probably you will be motivated and aspired to do what is in your mind. If you see a
person who is a professional in basketball you will want to be a professional like him, or
if you see a smart student who get 2000 and more on his SAT, also you willyou will also
be inspired, thus you will have the motivation to get like or beat his score. This is an
overgeneralization. Also, this is not a specific example.

I used to always have the ambition to get be exempted and get a high average in
my school year. My dream only came true when I saw my friend studying and working
hard, eventually he got a high average and got exempted. Unlike me I was whistling in
the wind. In the second year I was inspired by my friend and motivated to achieve my
goal. Finally in the end of the year before the exams in a little time, I heard the
principleal calling my name, because I was exempted. It was a wonderful feeling. Ok a
specific example but you sentence stucture lacks variety. Also, your word choice with
regard to retaining memories are not adequate.

When you are inspired you will really be motivated. If I was not inspired by my
friend, I guess that I may have never been motivated, and never achievinged my goal. I
say that you must always inspire your friends so they can get motivated and achieve
their goals.

Please pay attention to pronoun fluctuation.

You supported your opinion, which was implicitly stated, with an example that I
consider is a rather weak one.

Comment [WU1]: Wrong word here.
Also, works as a noun is never plural;it is
always "work", unlike the verb.
Comment [WU2]: Rephrase. Error in
sent. Structure.
Comment [WU3]: Wordiness "internal'
means coming form inside
Fares Wali Score: 5/6
Are Motivations always Internal?
To subscribe to the notion that all motivations are internal is an
example of narrow thinking. People get enthusiastic about changing for
several reasons. Motivations can take different forms, ranging from
ideas to plans to advices and many others. Insight is a great source of
energy to alter a lifestyle or a routine and bring about considerable
changes. Advices are some kind of an external motivation that we face
every day. To this end this essay is divided into two parts, in which I will
give examples about both cases, the internal and the external
motivations.( Excellent. You clearly and forcefully opinionated your
essay with a promise of examples on the aforementioned claims
External motivations are found within our daily lives. For example,
I was really excited by the visit of the American University Of Beirut to
our school. The lecture about the institution and its admission's
requirements made me reorder my priorities. I came up with a new list
of works that should be done to achieve pretty good scores to allow me
enroll myself in it so easily. This effect was totally external and coming
from the advices and the recommendations that the lecturer enriched us
with. ( Good example. Though it is a combination of both. This can be
your willingness to claim an outstanding status for yourself that
motivated you to listen to that lecturer. Unlike those who are not
intrinsically motivated to do so and who are not aware of their academic
path
On the other hand, internal motivations are equal in importance
to external ones and are as important as the formers. Once my friend
Josh was wondering about not being competitive with others in soccer
games. So after long self reflectingself-reflection, he ended up
subscribing in a soccer training team to develop his performance and
skills. And after a long period of intensified training he was capable of
playing as well as an average player in the school team. The motivation
for this change is internal and purely coming from inside.
Our lives are not ''at rest''. The world keeps changing around us
and moving towards future with an increasingly high speed. To keep
updated with the world, we should change as it changes. And in order to
change, we need motivations regardless of being internal or external as
long as they are serving to keep us updated. ( Excellent conclusion)
This is a very good essay product. Some things to ponder though.

Comment [WU1]: This title implies
your essay will be about change.
Comment [WU2]: Use present tense
hen summarizing the plot.
Comment [WU3]: Wrong word here.
Fayez Abaza October 27, 2009
Changing to Better Life
Score 2/6
Since the creation of humanity, man attempted to change his life to the
better. There are many opinions regarding man's life motivation to
change. Passion and ambition can be considerable purpose to
changemotivators to change. ( Good introduction but you would want to
emphasize that your essay is about motivation to change and not change
as a concept
Macbeth, a great warrior and noble man from in Shakespeare's play
"Macbeth", was is man of honor, respect and integrity. Macbeth was loyal
to the king, and Macbeth always led the army during war. Macbeth and
his wife lived a peaceful life. Once after an enormous war the kingdom
was weakened and the throne was easily approach by Macbeth. Macbeth's
ambition and passion to become in a higher rank made him the villain
rather than the noble. He made anything to reach his goal. He planed well
then on a dark night Macbeth murdered the king and took over the throne.
As a conclusion passion and ambition achieves changes in mans life. I
think to live a rich you need to change and to do anything to achieve the
goal.
( you have fallen into a lethal error that is of digression. The whole essay
revolves around the concepts of ambition and passion as a whole and
motivation as peripheral. Abmition and passion can be motivators for
change but you failed to bring it out for your reader. Your focus was on
ambition rather than ambition as an intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
You also failed to address the consequences of overly ambitious people
and how this motivation might mar or improve their lives.)
Hazem Salem Thursday,October29,2009
11/Green

“Motivation”
Score 2/6

There are a lot of things that motivates people, one of them is

internal(personal) motivation. External motivation is also important. Your
Opinion here it snot clear enough for your reader. You have to make your
postion clear. Also, you need to provide a snapshot of your evidence that
you will discuss later in your essay.

I, myself, got motivated to lose some of my weight because of a lot

of external and internal pressures. I have fats all over my body, where
ever I put my hand I can find fats, which makes me hate myself. And
another thing that makes me hate my body too is that the people's look.
Everyone I look at I find him wondering at a part of my fat, and at last
they tell me don't you want to lose some of your weight, “have some
mercy on yourself.” Also when I want to go shopping I have to first ask
about the sizes found before choosing the design that I like. Wherever I
go I confront a lot of problems. I have to fetchfitch for a place to
comfort me and that I will not disturb anyone. From all of these reasons
I got motivated to makebe on a diet so I could lose some weight to get
thinner. The most thing that me motivated is the girls. All my friends can
get girls easily, while I have to try hard to get one, and I also cant do
that.
Your solo example is good but the way your presented the problem shows
little knowledge in writing skills. You also did not mention explicitly and
with insight how this extrinsic motivation changed you to the better.

Doing thing that someone doesn't like or doesn't want to do, can
never be made with force. If that person doesn't get motivated by his
own-selfhimself he would succeed and be happy while doing the thing.

Comment [WU1]: Plagiarized contenct
check this link
Comment [WU2]: Double contradictory
conjunctions
Comment [WU3]: One error that you
commit repeatedly is that you state a
quote without commenting on it or
clarifying for the reader how this is linked
to you topic.
Comment [WU4]: It is ok to get ideas
from wherever you want but you have to
attribute it to that person. Otherwise, it is
aplagiarized. link
Karim Osman 11v
Score 3/6
“The secret of changing is the secret of self discovery you reach inside yourself to
discover your personal resources and what it takes to match them to the
challenge “aphorismed anaphorism by Arnold Palmer. What motivates people to
change havehas always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter
cannot understand when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary
prejudices, but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence and fulfills the
duty to express the results of his thought in a clear form; hence, the issue of what
motivates people to change? Has always been debatable, where some people
fence that they change because of an experience but on the other hand others
speculate that they are motivated by their role model. I do agree with author
William Boyd that change cannot be motivated from outside; it comes from
within .The best persuasive examples to support my point of view are
Muhammad Yunus, Vladimir Putin, and Rosa Parks. Ok. Clear opinion stated here,
promising specific evidence.
“Changing is the coin of your life, it is the only coin you have and only you can
determine how it will be spent, be careful lest you let other people spend it for
you” by Philip Roth. Muhammad Yunus was born in a poor village in Bangladesh,
and left an orphan at the age of three where his life struggles started in the face
of all cruelties and with the help of his capability of changing he educated himself
as a young boy earned the nickname” banker to the poor” by giving tiny cash
loans, to the poorest of poor in Bangladesh. That simple idea grew into an
international movement so vibrant that Yunus was awarded the 2006 Nobel Prize
for Peace because of how he motivated himself to change .Yunus was given the
Presidential Medal Of Freedom by President Barack Obama in 2009. This example
proved that positive changing is the unquestionable means to the nation thriving
and advancement.
One gets power, bravery, and self confidence by every change he/she makes
in which one actually stops to fear in the face of the world. Vladimir Putin was
nominated the chief of the Russian Confederation in 2000 because of his

Comment [WU5]: Plagiarzed content.
Follow this link
Karim Osman 11v
capability of motivating himself to change., After earning a law degree although
his born to a poor family and despite all the miserable circumstances he lived in
and the hardships he has been through. As a result of his success in changing
became Yeltsin’s fifth prime minister in 17 months then became acting president
when Yeltsin left office. This triumph forces me to state that merely the change
he made was the main reason behind Putin reputation and achievement.
“Recognizing ourselves doesn’t come from the outside, it comes from inner
peace. I think that we will never find ourselves until we know our capabilities of
changing and know what we can do “by Mark Twain. In 1955, Rosa Parks was an
African-American living in Montgomery, Alabama, a city with laws that strictly
segregated blacks and whites. On 1 December 1955 Parks boarded a city bus.
When she refused to give up her seat to a white man, the bus driver called police,
and Parks was arrested and fined. The resulting boycott by African-Americans, led
by Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., caused a national sensation because of their
perseverance of wanting to change the segregation. The boycott was a success
and led to desegregation in Montgomery and elsewhere in the United States. She
was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bill Clinton in 1996.
Finally “Accept the change, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; and then can
come the best of benedictions” said by Joan McIntosh I conclude that changing is
always a sign of progress. Whatever we do, might be insignificant, but it is
important to do it, to prove one’s own existence through his life and that we
learned from Jerry Brown, Tim LaHaye, and Patrick Henry that changing is the
sure way for success and fame”Advice is like snow the softer it falls the longer it
will dwells upon and deeper in itsinks into the mind” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge
so I advise you to change your life to the better as Muhammad Yunus, Vladimir
Putin, and Rosa Parks did.

Comment [WU1]: I love this handbook
 I read it way back at school.
Comment [WU2]: There weren't any
humans. There were 4 mice who represent
humans.
Khalid Hossam
Score 3/6
Some people need motivation to change. Others have experienced change before
and they can change again without having any difficulties or obstacles in their way.
I believe that most people don’t like to think about change because either they are
scared to change or they just have this notion that “change is bad”. (Good
introductory paragraph. You marked your opinion by "I believe" which makes it
clear for your readers. Yet, you should've made it clearer to your audience on what
motivates and not hinders change ( as mentioned in the prompt).
Changes differ from one person to another, . for example businessmen might hate
to change the way they run their business, but sometimes they are forced to change
so they can keep up with other competing companies. Others spend their whole life
in a constant no deviation what so ever from the way they live. Ok. You should've
supported it by a specific example on particular "businessmen"
A fine example about how to change and how to deal with change is the novel
“Who Moved My Cheese” written by Dr. Spencer Johnson. Dr. Spencer talks
about how change is good and essential for our way of life. The novels talks about
two mice and two tiny humans who were placed in a maze to find the cheese.
“Cheese” in this novel is depicted as the goals in life weather whether it was
ismoney, cars, marriage, or success. The two mice didn’t have any problem finding
the cheese neither did the two tiny humans. The mice and the humans were
satisfied that every day they woke up and found their cheeses were it has always
been. But the two mice realized that every day the cheese is getting lesser and
lesser. So they head out to find new cheese, but the two tiny humans were shocked
and astonished that they didn’t find their cheeses where it has always been. The
tiny humans didn’t change quickly like the mice did and head out to find new
cheese, because as in real life they were halted by emotions, and fears to change.
Another example from my life experience is when I had to transfer to a new
school. Everything was different to me especially the way of teaching and learning.
So I was too scared to change my way of studying, which I used all my life, but I
realized if I change quickly I would reach my “cheese” faster.
So change doesn’t necessarily mean a huge predicament. The only way that people
won’t be scared to change is to be motivated from within and to have will power.
And as Ellen Glasgow quoted “All change is not growth; as all movement is not
forward”.

You have slightly digressed form the topic by shifting your opinion on the concept
of change instead of " motivation to change".

Also you gave two occasional examples not dealt in depth where I would prefer
you supply one in-depth example.

Comment [WU1]: Consider revising
Comment [WU2]: Confusing thoughts
here.
Comment [WU3]: Error in structure.
Please revise
Comment [WU4]: error
For The Better
Score 3/6
People live their every life normally every day. They always live and act
in the way they are used to. Many ,however, change their way in life. They
change their way in eating, sleeping, talking or thinking. This change will
makes these people move from a condition they’re used to and feel secure
in into a condition where they might feel insecure. The question is why do
people change? What motivates the people to change?
In my opinion, people change to make good adjustments in their lives; they
want to increase their conditions to the better. My friend, for example,
changed his way of life. He used to live his life talking in an acidulous way
and having some mislead concepts. He used this ways at school with his
classmates. He gained some friends, but he realized that he did not have
much. Most of his class mates hated his acidulous remarks and his wrong
concepts. That was when he decided to change his ways into better ones.
He changed his way of talking and became friendly. He also figured out his
wrong concepts and corrected them. He felt very unsecure at first, since he
is now living under conditions completely unknown for him. But by time, he
got used to his new way and began to gain more friendships. He now has
many friends.
People always live their lives as they are used to. They, however, tend to
change in order to reach the better. To make a change might be a risk, but
when this change gives its good results, life will certainly become better.
I think you could've done better . Your sentences lack variety and your
ideas seem so plain lacking insight into the issue. In addition, you didn't
mention what really motivated him, your friend, intrinsic or extrinsic or a
combination of both?
 Mahdi AbouAbed
Score 1/6

How would people change and what motivates them to

change? People may change from the inside, how they feel
Comment [WU1]: Revise
and how they treat others. Though, when people change it
means that to risk something, but when people doesn’t
Comment [WU2]: You used two
conjunctions in a complex sentence
change it means that it is a bigger risk.
resulting in choppy idea.

People change depending on their routine life, . some need

to change and while others don’t need. Suppose a criminal
Comment [WU3]: Fix this part of the
sentence
who kidnaps children and women, it will be hard for him
to change because he will never forget what he had done
with innocent children and women, and maybe he will
commit suicide. You should've supplied a specific incident
on the example you started, a criminal who couldn't
change.
To change and you don’t want to take the risk; you need to
have self confidentconfidence., you need to know
Comment [WU4]: Wrong word here.
symptoms you will face is going to be detrimental?
Before people change they should ask themselves can they
face the risk and if they will do not change the risk they
Comment [WU5]: Error in sentence
stuructur and verb tense
will face will be bigger.
Please listen to my guides in class on how to write a
successful essay. You did not give any specific detail to
support you opinion. Your discussion is still general and
an abstraction.
Your syntactic errors and word choice errors are abundant
affecting the content.
Comment [WU1]: Still a broad title
Comment [WU2]: Error in parallelism
MOTIVATION!
Score: 2/6
What motivates people to change? Is it an external influence or an
internal influence which that motivate people to change? Or is it both
external and internal influence? In my opinionopinion, people are
motivated from bothon the inside and the outside. Good. Simple and
straight forward.
One example is from my own experience. In grade 9 I was a new
student in DJIS. I used to get Bs in the report cards and I was unsatisfied
dissatisfied neitherboth with my grades nor and with my efforts. When I
became a grade tenth student, I worked really hard and studied more than
I studied in grade 9. The result was better grades and I was pleased but
not complacent because I wanted to improve even more. ( You missed the
direct question upon which the whole is based upon. What motivated you
to change? Intrinsic or extrinsic motivations?
Another example is from the experience of my friend Rauf. Rauf
was a bad basketball player. He didn’t like to train to get better at
basketball until he watched Kobe Bryant's commercial which showed that
every basketball player starts from zero, but if he or she is willing to work
to reach the pinnacle, eventually he or she will achieve their goal. Now
Rauf is one of the best basketball players I ever know.
You gave two good examples but failed to elaborate on both. You did not
support you opinion that motivation to change is both external and
internal as you claimed. You only stated the exampled without showing
insight in each and extending universally.
People are motivated from what they see, hear, and experience. It’s
the outside which influences the inside. The conclusion slightly contrasts
your claim in the introduction that it is a mixture of both. In the
conclusion you imply that it is the external that influences one's
motivation to change.
Done by: Maher Harmoush
Grade : 11 red

Comment [WU1]: Too broad
Comment [WU2]: First, do not use
the second person. Second, this is a
run-on sentence and the message
conveyed is ambiguous.
Comment [WU3]: Revise this part
Comment [WU4]: revise
Comment [WU5]: shouldn't this be a
contrasting conjunction
Comment [WU6]: revise
Comment [WU7]: how can time be
infront of you?
Comment [WU8]: ?
Comment [WU9]: Wordiness. Error in
sentence structure.
Changing BY: Mahmoud Erbash
Score 2/6
What motivates you one to change? You always ask this question to
yourself and also for others,it is a complicated question but you always want
to now the answer. There are no human beings who did not change
throughout their lives. Changing Change is an important event in one's life,
without changing, he onewill only know little about the world and the life he
is living. Changing Change makes you one know better about the world.
In school, changing for the better is the main idea of learning and
beginning your future brightly. When I was in grade 7 and also before that,
my only concern in class was to make my friends laugh, and getting high
grades was not that much in on my mind. That idea began to go out of my
mind since starting grade 8., I started studying and giving attention to the
teacher explaining. Because of that change, my grades started increasing
and my attitude in class and with my friends also changed for the better and
my future was cleaner than any other time
in front of me.
You now that B.C. people's concern was only about fighting other
countries and destroying other cities, and they
never thought how their lives and their ancestors' lives would be, until they
new that their lives would end somehow,
Their way of thinking started changing and also the way they see saw the
future change, they started opeining schools
which is the most advanced thing humans B.C made that affected the entire
world. When they opened these schools,
they started teaching younger boys and girls how should they should react
in the future and from that time on inventions and
books started going out so that scientist would give the chance fot other
people to continue the thing they started
so that the world would change for the better.
Changing makes you know about your world wisely and efficiently so
that your way of living would also change,.
this is a primary reason that motivates you to change. When you are not
changingdo not change, your way of thinking would be the same
when you are a 50 years old man or you are a 5 years young child.
Your essay is marked by errors in sentence structure and grammatical errors
that interfere with the content of you essay. You need to show the corrector
that you master the writing skills, yet what I notice here is not the case. You
need to focus your attention on your linguistic and writing skills as your
ideas in the essay, though are great, are hindered by the lack in your writing
skills.

Comment [WU1]: Inadequate word.
Comment [WU2]: You should've
inserted a transition sentence
Self- Motivation
Score 3/6
“What made you change?” a question that is quite often being
asked. It is also a question that could never be truly answered. Some
people might answer that their relatives motivated them, while others
answer by saying that they were touched by a certain speech. Simply, ALL
OF THESE ARE THROWING A BUNCH OF LIES. Motivation comes only
through oneself. So you hold the opinion that motivation is intrinsic.
However, you have to be aware that the prompt is on "motivation to
change" and absolute"motivation"
In World War 2, several countries fought against each other for
simple word “greed”. Therefore, millions were either killed, countries were
fallen apart, and billions of dollars were spent. The war stopped when
kings, queens, and presidents felt the cruel inhumanity in their own bodies.
They felt regretful for the millions killed and kingdoms fallen apart. They
motivated their own selvesthemselves to stop the bloody war and work on
peace. Still you can narrow your example to a specific incident in WWII.
As a rich kid, my friend was raised up to be one of the world’s
most descent decent men. , Yet he was introduced to the bad side of the
world. At the age of 14, he started to smoke weed, drink alcohol, and curse
in every sentence he says. His parents tried all the methods to help him.
they lectured him, hit him, called for therapy, and gave him medicine to
drop off the bad habits. Yet nothing motivated him until he was able to
think about what he was going through. After a while, he just let go of all
the ugly habits. Nothing truly motivated him, except himself. Good
concrete evidence marked with specificity.

Comment [WU3]: Error int ense
Again and again, motivation comes within oneself. If it wasn’t to
self motivation, World War two would have still been going on to the
present day. MOTIVATION SHOULD BE REMOVED ENTIRELY FROM THE
DICTIONARY AND REPLACED WITH SELF- MOTIVATION.
You interpretation of WWII and its end is relatively naïve as it is not self-motivation that ended
WWII. Nothing in this compass of destruction is ignited or ended only by self-motivation. All
factors interweave in a scheme of intricate possibilities and exploitations. Perhaps it is due to
one's need to feel important that caused it or it can be power that ignited it. In short, you did
not show depth of thought or showed that you have already pondered on the issue deeply,
especially in social studies where you should've covered this content in depth.

Comment [WU1]: Do you think the title
conveys the content of the essay?
Comment [WU2]: Risk taking
Comment [WU3]: Ok. Good. But be
aware of errors in sentence structure.
Comment [WU4]: fragment
Comment [WU5]: Notice how this
sentence links the example to the topic
adequately. Good work.
Mohamed Salama
11V
Score4/6
A Better Place Needs Risking
What motivate people to change? Ward Sybouts once said “To change is to risk, making
us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger risk, though we seldom feel that way. There is no
choice but to change. People, however, cannot be motivated to change from outside. All of our
motivation comes from within.” We should change so we can make our world a better place, but
we would be risking.(risking what? Your elaboration of the topic is not clear)
“All of our motivation comes from within.” We get motivated from the inside., for
example, in believing that the world could be a better place, in believing that we could help the
poor, sick & orphaned children, and in believing that we could achieve peace and freedom.
Mother Teresa, born in the capital of Macedonia in the early 1900’s, who became a nun and then
traveled to India. In India Teresa felt sympathy toward poor, sick & orphaned children. So in
India she advocated all what she got to help those children. She started at first at India, but she
didn’t stop there ;she went to other countries all over the world to help children. ,And she got the
noble prize due to her help to children. Mother Teresa was motivated from within herself by
seeing the children in India first and then the rest of the world.
Other people get motivated by believing that they could make peace and freedom. Like
Mother Teresa, Mohandas ghandi is one. Ghandi was born in India, who later became a lawyer
and was livinglived in South Africa. At that time there was a war going on between Great Britain
and India. GhandiGandhi lead India to independence and inspired movements for civil rights and
freedom across the world. Later Ghandi tried to bring peace between Muslims and Hindus.
Ghandi was motivated by seeing that there was something wrong, so he fixed it.
“All our motivation comes from within.” By seeing that something is wrong and that this
is not the way the world should be. Sometimes we need to risk changing like what Ghandi and
Mother Teresa did to change the world to a better place.
Good essay. Keep it up. You have shown insight and critical thinking throughout your essay
though some points need to be considered.

Comment [WU1]: Error in parallelism
(perepssition and adjective). How can you
ix this?
Comment [WU2]: Possible plagiarism
here Moustafa. Check out this link. If you
are quoting someone's expression please
use quotations and attribute it to the
speaker.
Comment [WU3]: Plaigarism here.
Check this link out
Comment [WU4]: Plagiarism from this
website. Click to link
Comment [WU5]: Same plagiarism
here.
The Power of Motivation
Score Zero/6
Motivation refers to the forces either within or external to a person that arise enthusiasm
and persistence to pursue a certain course of action. Motivation affects people from the inside
and outside .it also could change a person’s behavior. For example in the play of William
Shakespeare's play “Macbeth” Macbeth was is a trustworthy thane but because of his wife’s and
the witches motivation he changed changes and he committed commits a crime in killing the
king and taking the throne.
Macbeth’s long journey towards possessing the throne travels through many high
hurdles. The first hurdle, which is a sign for further hurdles, is the murder of Duncan the king
the build-up to the killing of Duncan begins with the witches prophesying that Macbeth will be
king. Macbeth wants to fulfill this prophecy due to his high ambitions. In committing the
murder of Duncan, Macbeth is somewhat influenced by the witches. The motivation to become
king originates from the prophecies of the witches. The concept of having a good chance to
covet the throne is brought to Macbeth when the witches address Macbeth as “Thane of
Glamis”, “Thane of Cawdor” and “King hereafter”. The final address is the prophecy that
Macbeth will be king. The witches’ prophecies are also the beginning of Macbeth’s long journey
towards possessing the throne. Macbeth believes in the prophecies of the witches. This is so
because the witches are supernatural characters that have special powers. These special
powers allow them to perform deeds that humans cannot perform. Because the witches
possess unnatural powers, it is rational to believe that they can see the future. Hence, it is
logical for Macbeth to have absolute trust in the witches’ prophecies. Due to the fact that
Macbeth believes in the witches’ prophecies, his motive to become king is brought up by the
witches. He may have thought of taking over Duncan’s throne, but it is the witches that give
him the concept that he has the chance obtain the throne. Therefore, the witches influence
Macbeth’s murder of Duncan.
Lady Macbeth acts as Macbeth’s superior while the murder of Duncan occurs. Lady
Macbeth has high ambitions for her husband. However, she fears that her husband would have
trouble when attempting to murder Duncan. Since Lady Macbeth knows that her husband
would never be able to perform such a task, she decides to control the procedures of the
murdering of Duncan and this motivated Macbeth to murder Duncan and made him self-
confident to do so.
 Motivation could affect people’s behavior in a positive and a negative way. People get
motivated by speech and acts. Motivation affects people from the inside and outside.

I am sorry MOustafa. You have a leeway plagiarism of max 10% if lucky. Yet it seems that you
plagiarized most if not all of you essay. Remember that plagiarism is a serious offence.

Comment [WU1]: Use third person
here "one"
Comment [WU2]: Abrupt shift to third
person.
Comment [WU3]: Another shift to first
person.
Comment [WU4]: Then back again to
third person
Omar Abdou
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Score 1/6
When you think of changing, many things come up to your mind.
You may change in many ways, by your appearenceappearance or by
your personality or by your way of thinking. The problem here is how to
change toward the better without going into a risk.Ok, you stated a
point of view here but not forcefully took a stand. You have slightly
digressed from the prompt but nothing to be alarmed off. You, however,
failed to convey the message you intend the reader to understand. This
is partly because your sentence structure and word choice are not at
their best
Many of us may change toward the better because their there is an
amount of money as a reward. After, recieving receiving the reward he
return backas he was. A change must be from inside; by our own. All of
our motivations must come from ourselves, because you are responsible
for your behaviors and actions toward others. You must be a good
leader with your friends and classmates. When they see you changed
and took all the risks they will be motivated. After that risks you will
rest. This paragraph is a weak one that attempts to give an example on
your opinion, which you failed to pose appropriately. You paragraph
lacks specificity, variety in sentence structures, and word choice.
Finally, a change starts for youselfyourself, not from others. Try to
be a leader to yourself, so people can be motivated. Appearence vs.
Reality.
You need to really improve your writing skills.

Comment [WU1]: Notice how you used
the pronouns you here and then shifted to
the pronouns "one in the next paragraph.
Comment [WU2]: Overgeneralization.
You are assuming too much on part of your
reader.
Rani Snih Done on October 27, 2009
11-Violet
The Motivation to Change
Score 4/6
The motivation to change comes from the willingness of a person to improve.
People alter their way of life because of their enthusiasm to become something
better. Inspiration is contagious, and anyone of us is an agent of this non-
hazardous infection. ( Great introduction. You stated your opinion clearly and
effectively. Let's read if you supported your opinion well
Learning from what others did or what they do has been an obsession for
people over the centuries. It is easier to do something that has already been
completed by someone else, for it saves the trouble of confronting new
difficulties. For instance, when you see that when your friend sleeps early at night
he wakes up the day after and goes to work or school robustly, you might want to
do the same to bring to an end the days in which you woke up in a lethargic
manner.( Ok. There is insight marked in this paragraph, but lacks specificity. You
gave me a scenario of a real example marked by ( when you see…) and what I
really need is a specific example.
Also, when one sees that he or she is different from someone else, he or sheone
might try to improve to become better. Even more, encouragement from a
supporter also stimulates a person to change; encouragement such as counseling
or warning guides the listener to develop into what might be favorable to him.
Most of us can recall the autobiography “Celebration of Grandfathers”, where
Anaya is advised by his grandfather to be patient and understanding as well as
other lessons in life.( What if the corrector does not know about the
aforementioned autobiography? You should delve in details for this
autobiography and mark the insight that you have for motivation)
 People are the reason people change. From others, we can learn new ideas
which we can apply in our lives and at work. Inspiration has done remarkable
work to keep societies and even cities and empires trading ideas and learning
from each other to accomplish what one unit cannot accomplish alone.

( Good conclusion, but somewhat universal whereas your evidence provided were
bound by place.)

This is a good essay. However, you should be aware that the evidence you give
should be specific and completely support your opinion.

Well done
Riyad Ayad Score Zero/6

You have plagiarized and you have a score of ZERO due to this. You have
copied your whole essay from http://www.english-
test.net/forum/ftopic34142.html

Please remember that plagiarism is serious offense and later in college you will
be sanctioned for doing it ( read the definition of plagiarism here
In life, people often face obstacles at one point or another, and most will find it
a requirement to change in order to have better chances of overcoming the
obstacle. Change also gives us a chance to obtain better results in such a
scenario. In many aspects of our lives, the desire for success and survival is
what motivates people to change in order to overcome these obstacles.

Change is necessary if people want to seek a higher standard of living. By

accepting change, people seek new methods to test or implement and new
innovations can be made. Inventing new technology gives us more comfort in
our lives. For instance, the Industrial Revolution allowed for development in
transport via the steam-engine, increased production of goods and services
with motorized factory operations. However, detractors argue that change does
not necessarily benefit us. For instance the development of nuclear technology
poses a security and possible environmental threat to many countries today.
While this is true, we should look at the big picture. Although it is always a
gamble of success or failure when we adopt change, if the effects of change are
well thought-through beforehand, then the probability of change harming us
instead of benefiting us will be smaller.

In addition, people change also because by embracing change, they can

experience different aspects of life in wider variety. For instance, instead of
driving the same car for a decade, if one were to change his car every few
yeaers, he gets various experiences from driving different cars. However,
detractors argue that this form of change will lead to the unnecessary wastage
of the Earth's limited resources, as well as using them up faster. While this is
true, we cannot ignore the fact that the notion of variety adds flavor to our life.
For instance, the thought of wearing the same clothes everyday for your whole
life feels dull and boring. Also, although change does result in wastage, it does
not necessarily lead to large amounts of wastage. People can engage in change
but not lead to large amounts of wastage. By keeping in mind to conserve our
limited resources, change need not be detrimental to the environment around
us.

In conclusion, change allows people to experience different results in the

activities that concern it. Change, if thought through carefully, is able to benefit
us in our experiences in life.
 Saad Huneidi Wednesday, October 25, 2009

Score: 4/6
What Motivates People to Change?
Comment [WU1]: Preferred to use third
person than second person
Why do youdoes one want to change? Your motivation to
change something about yourself may come from a variety of
sources. People are motivated to change because of pain or being
Comment [WU2]: Error in parallelism
'because of pain or inspiration"
inspired to be a better person. It is not easy to leave the familiar.

I would like to talk about my Uncle Salah and his motivation

to change to have a healthy lifestyle. My uncle used to smoke two
Comment [WU3]: 'As a result' is more
adequate here.
packets of cigarettes daily so, he suffered from lung cancer and
heart diseases. In addition to that, he suffered from cholesterol
diseases because of being obese.

Comment [WU4]: Error in tense

sequence ( stick to the past tense)
Since he is going to fast for thirty days about fourteen hours daily
during Ramadan, he thought about quitting smoking and walking
everyday. As the days passed, his motivation increased day by day.
He arranged his time for walking and followed a certain diet to
lose weight. My uncle was a bit concerned about going back to
smoking after Ramadan but he didn’t because he got used to a
certain routine. Finally, my uncle had recovered from his cancer
and his cholesterol medical reports were positive.

No matter what are the circumstances are, every person who

is considering changing something about himself or herself has a
reason that can reinforce and strengthen the resolve to change
when change becomes difficult.
I believe that you have improved your writing in comparison with
your earlier writing task. I would , however, to point out some
points that would inform your later writings.
Formatted: Bulleted + Level: 1 +
Aligned at: 0.63 cm + Indent at: 1.27
- Always vary your sentence structure depending on the ideas
cm presented.
- Use vocabulary i.e. vary your choice of words for more
powerful word choice.
- This is a good essay that presents a quite good real life
specific evidence .
 Talal Habbab
Score 3/6

To change is to risk something, making us feel insecure. Not to change is a bigger

risk, though we seldom feel that way. What motivates people to change? I feel that
anything that these people care about deeply and truly motivates them to change, be it a
positive or negative change. Another thing that can motivate people to change is a large
Comment [WU1]: revise outside factor that devastated the way a large group of people thought. Made your
opinion clear here, but you should look out for word choice and some errors in sentence
structure that would make your message conveyed ambiguous.

Comment [WU2]: revise the whole sent
Comment [WU3]: This creates much
ambiguity in your sentence, when used
excessively.
When I think about a reason why people get motivated to change, an image of a
loved one pops into my head. Way back, maybe 10 years ago, when my cousin got
accepted into McGill University it was something to be proud of in the family. But this
acceptance turned out to be a double edged sword. It meant my aunt and uncle would
have to move away, which also included my little cousin approximately my age. They
had to change the life they had so gotten used to, which includedincluding their mindset,
which was a bit strict at the time, but they did it because they were motivated to. The love
they had for their son, and the pride they had in their hearts fed them the fuel to change
the ways by which they lived by. A more insightful reflection might be your
interpretation of this adjustment in their lives in terms of motivations to change, extrinsic
and intrinsic.

Comment [WU4]: revise Another reason people change is due to a huge shock that occurred to them. A
Comment [WU5]: ww prime example of this is the 9/11 incident. Before, the whole world was ok and normal
with the Arab world. After that incident, a type of racism and fear seemed to stem up
Comment [WU6]: ? from under their hearts n surround the world. The bombing not only motivated the people
to change, it forced them to change into a racist paranoid race. It was as if a pandemic
Comment [WU7]: Capitalized refers to had struck the Eearth and changed everyone one by one.
the planet while the small letter refers to
ground
Comment [WU8]: wordy
Motivation can sum up from anywhere and anything. Motivation to change can
effect affect us dearly in our lives, n force us to change without us evenour realizing it.
Comment [WU9]: ?
The truth is that we must allow it to change if it’s a positive change, or deny it if it’s a
negative one.
You could've done much better. Your examples are great but how you narrated them and
how you should depth of critical thinking is not yet crystallized .