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W O L F E L L A S

written by
Doug Maguire
based on
Goodfellas
&
The Wolf of Wall Street
MagCo Entertainment
10061 Riverside Drive
#516
Toluca Lake, CA 91602
www.magcoentertainment.com
W O L F E L L A S
written by
Doug Maguire
FADE IN:
BEGIN OPEN TITLES:
The main cast of character names fly in one by one similar to
the opening of Goodfellas -- Avery...Wile E. Coyote...
Wolverine...Little Red Riding Hood...and The Big Bad Wolf
BLACK.
TITLE: THIS STORY IS BASED ON MOSTLY ANIMATED CHARACTERS
EXT. 1973 CADILLAC - DRIVING - NIGHT
Tail lights of an old car appear to float in darkness. The
gas guzzler cruises down a long stretch of road.
TITLE: Once upon a time...
INT. 1973 CADILLAC - CONTINUOUS
Three famous animated characters from the wolf family cruise
a lonely street in silence.
WILE E. COYOTE, a scrawny, ragged beast, nervously stares
straight ahead as if on an important mission. AVERY, the
slick one of the bunch in a tuxedo, rides shotgun and sleeps.
The runt of the litter, WOLVERINE, sits in the middle of the
back seat.
A WHIMPER (off screen) gets the attention of Wile E. Coyote.
He looks around for answers.
WILE E. COYOTE
What the fuck is that?
More WHIMPERS.
WILE E. COYOTE (CONTD)
Avery.
Avery lifts his head and slowly wakes.
AVERY
Whats up?
WILE E. COYOTE
Did I hear somethin?
WOLVERINE
The fuck is that?
Another WHIMPER.
AVERY
Is your alternator belt loose?
It hits Wile E. Coyote like an Acme ton of bricks of what the
noise could be.
WILE E. COYOTE
No...
AVERY
The fuck? Youd better pull over
and see.
WILE E. COYOTE
Yeah.
EXT. 1973 CADILLAC - PARKED - MOMENTS LATER
The three animals jump out of the vehicle and surround the
trunk.
From inside the trunk, WHIMPERS continue to cry out.
The moment is extremely tense for the trio. Avery smokes his
cigarette and nods to Wile E. Coyote. Wolverine holds out his
fist and extends claws. Wile E. Coyote JINGLES the set of car
keys and finds the one he needs...the key to the trunk.
The key goes into the lock, the trunk pops open and inside is
a very bloody BALTO.
BALTO
No...no...no...
Wolverine pounces and jabs Balto in the chest a few times.
WOLVERINE
You piece of shit! Die! Die! Die!
Avery pulls out a very cartoony gun -- about the size of a
bazooka. He FIRES the cannon at Balto.
2.
The body of Balto turns from dog to a black smear in cartoon
violence fashion. Only the eyes remain. Balto BLINKS twice
and the BLINKS are accented by a hysterical PERCUSSION
instrument.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Ever since I was a pup, Ive always
wanted to run with the big dogs.
Wile E. Coyote closes the trunk and on the SLAM the camera
freezes frame.
TITLE: WILE E. COYOTE
Another title beneath that follows shortly after...
TITLE: (Carnivorous Gangsterish Vulgaris)
CARTOONY MUSIC plays...
CUT TO:
BEGIN OPEN CREDIT SEQUENCE:
More Goodfellas inspired credits!
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT - DAY
An arid-looking place filled with nothing but a lonely cactus
and a long road that runs through the emptiness.
TITLE: MANY MOONS AGO...
A YOUNGER Wile E. Coyote stares at a large piece of paper.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
To me...being in a pack of wolves
was better than being king of any
jungle.
The paper has detailed drawings on how Wile E. Coyote can
catch a Road Runner. The map is complete with dashes and
arrows that will lead him to victory.
BABY ROAD RUNNER slides in close next to Wile E. Coyote and
studies the sheet of paper with him. It takes Wile E. Coyote
a few seconds to notice the bird. When he does, Wile E.
Coyote crinkles the paper and turns to face Road Runner. Road
Runner sticks out a tongue.
3.
ROADRUNNER
MEEP-MEEP!
Road Runner dashes off.
Wile E. Coyote wears roller skates. He straps an Acme rocket
to his back and lights the fuse with a wooden match. The
rocket ignites. Wile E. Coyote disappears from the screen in
a nano-second.
EXT. ROAD - CONTINUOUS
Road Runner moves along the road at a fast past. The bird
looks back to see...
Wile E. Coyote. The animal finally steadies himself on the
roller skates. He ties a napkin around his neck, grips a fork
and knife and smiles as he gains ground.
Road Runner comes to an immediate stop and watches the coyote
sail past.
Wile. E. Coyote continues along until he reaches the edge of
a cliff...and keeps going as if gravity does not exist. The
Acme rocket SPUTTERS and eventually craps out. Wile E. Coyote
looks directly at the camera. He holds a wooden sign up that
reads: YIKES! First Wile E. Coyotes legs stretch and drop,
followed by his torso, followed by his neck and head.
From an AERIEL VIEW: the body of Wile E. Coyote falls a
thousand feet below. A tiny cloud of dust puffs out where the
body hits the ground.
INT. BARBER SHOP - LATER
Wile E. Coyote stands with a purple bloodshot eye, his arm in
a sling and a cast on his leg. He has a funky wooden crutch
under his good arm.
WILE E. COYOTE
I cant catch that fuckin bird.
WINSTON WOLF from Pulp Fiction puts down the paper he reads.
WINSTON WOLF
Whadda ya mean you cant catch that
fuckin bird? Youre gonna drive
everyone fuckin nuts!
WILE E. COYOTE
I cant catch him. Hes too fast.
Its gonna kill me.
4.
Winston Wolf motions with his head to one side of the room.
WINSTON WOLF
Come on you guys.
LENNY LONE WOLF KOSNOWSKI from Laverne and Shirley and
SCOTT HOWARD from Teen Wolf (both in super cool jackets made
famous by their characters) jump up from their chairs.
EXT. BIRD SANCTUARY - LATER
BIG BIRD leaves the sanctuary.
WINSTON WOLF
That him?
WILE E. COYOTE
Nope.
WINSTON WOLF
What about him?
TWEETY BIRD walks out and SYLVESTER THE CAT pounces.
WILE E. COYOTE
No...there he is! Thats him!
Road Runner exits the sanctuary. The wolf pack surround
Road Runner and circle him like thugs.
WINSTON WOLF
You see this pup?
Road Runner looks terrified.
ROAD RUNNER
Meep?
WINSTON WOLF
You been stickin your tongue out
at im and teasin im?
ROAD RUNNER
Meep?
WINSTON WOLF
Your fuckin goose is cooked, you
fowl-mouthed song of a beak!
Now Road Runner looks directly at camera and holds up a sign
that reads: Song of a beak...?
CUT TO:
5.
EXT. BACK YARD - LATER
A cooked bird with all the trimmings goes down on a table
full of food. Pigs, sheep, chicken, eggs and fish cover every
inch of space.
TITLE: PRESENT DAY
Avery grabs a leg from the freshly cooked bird. He heads over
to a table where Wolverine, Wile E. Coyote and a few other
wolf-like animals howl.
WILE E. COYOTE
Thats a howl! Youre really goofy.
Youre really goofy.
WOLVERINE
What do you mean I'm goofy?
WILE E. COYOTE
It's goofy, you know. It's a goofy
story, it's goofy, you're a goofy
wolf.
Wile E. Coyote LAUGHS.
WOLVERINE
What do you mean, you mean the way
I talk? What?
WILE E. COYOTE
It's just, you know. You're just
goofy, it's...goofy, the way you
bark and everything.
Suddenly all the wolves stop wagging their tails.
WOLVERINE
Goofy how? What's goofy about it?
SCOOBY-DOO comes to the rescue.
SCOOBY-DOO
Wolverine, no. You got it all
wrong.
WOLVERINE
Oh, oh, Scooby...dont. He's a
scrawny pup, he knows what he said.
(to Wile E. Coyote)
Whaddid ya say? Goofy how?
WILE E. COYOTE
Just...
6.
WOLVERINE
What?
WILE E. COYOTE
Just...ya know...you're goofy.
WOLVERINE
You mean, let me understand this
cause...ya know, maybe it's me. I'm
a little fucked up maybe, but I'm
goofy how, I mean goofy like I'm a
Disney character? Im some kind of
freak? I'm here to fuckin' amuse
Mickey? What do you mean goofy?
Goofy how? How am I goofy?
WILE E. COYOTE
Just...you know. How you howl at
the moon. What?
WOLVERINE
No, no, I don't know, you said it.
How do I know? You said I'm goofy.
How the fuck am I goofy? What the
fuck is so goofy about me? Tell me.
Tell me what's goofy!
Wolverine and Wile E. Coyote stare at each other for a spell.
WILE E. COYOTE
(long beat)
Get the fuck out of here, Logan!
All the wolves HOWL with LAUGHTER. Even Scooby-Doo gives a
NERVOUS CHUCKLE.
SCOOBY-DOO
Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee...
WOLVERINE
Ya skunkfucker! I almost had him, I
almost had him. Ya stuttering prick
ya.
(to Avery)
Avery, was he shaking?
(to Wile E. Coyote)
I wonder about you sometimes, Wile
E. You may roll over and play dead
to a master for a treat.
The wolves HOWL with LAUGHTER.
CUT TO:
7.
INT. WILE E. COYOTES DEN - MORNING
Wile E. Coyote sniffs a gigantic line of cocaine off a mirror
and comes up for air with bloodshot eyeballs. He holds up a
sign that reads: boogie...
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
I started getting into all types of
shit that would make any coyote
ugly.
Wile E. Coyote leaves the house.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER
Wile E. Coyote and The Big Bad Wolf high-five each other and
hug. The Big Bad Wolf points a thumb in the direction behind
him.
LITTLE PIG #1 jumps in the air and takes off in a sprint...as
fast as his little legs can go.
Wile E. Coyote and The Big Bad Wolf close in on the little
piggy. Little Pig #1 jumps into a house made of hay.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
I had to help the Big Bad Wolf
knock down a few houses. The Porker
Brothers owed him money and I
wanted to see him bring home the
bacon.
The Big Bad Wolf huffs and puffs and blows on the house made
of hay. The house vanishes and Little Pig #1 runs into a
house made of sticks. The door SLAMS behind the pig.
WILE E. COYOTE
It wasnt much of a problem with
the first couple of pigs we went
and visited. They were easy.
The Big Bad Wolf blows down the house made of sticks. Little
Pig #1 and LITTLE PIG #2 run into a house made of bricks.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
It was that brick shit house that
took more than just lung power.
The Big Bad Wolf blows and blows. Little Pig #1 and Little
Pig #2 are joined by LITTLE PIG #3 at the window. They seem
happy to be safe from the Big Bad Wolf.
8.
LITTLE PIG #3
We dont have the money! We can get
it to you next week!
BIG BAD WOLF
Little Pigs! Little Pigs! FUCK YOU!
PAY ME!
LITTLE PIGS #1, #2 & #3
(together)
Not by the hairs of our...OH HOLY
SHIT!
Wile E. Coyote opens up a box of Acme explosives.
WILE E. COYOTE
A few illegal explosive devices I
had a connection with at Acme let
us demolish the place easy enough.
Wile E. Coyote pushes the bar on his detonation box. The
brick house EXPLODES and comes back down to form a perfcet
barbeque. Some slabs of ham, bacon and sausage links plop on
plates while others cook on the grill.
EXT. AVERYS HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - MID-MORNING
Avery opens the door in a bathrobe.
Wile E. Coyote holds up an Acme box full of gun silencers.
Averys eyes bug out and his jaw hits the floor. OLD HORN
SOUND EFFECTS add to the eye-popping and jaw-dropping visual.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
My connection at Acme also got me a
few things for Avery, except every
single time we tried, nothin ever
fit anything he had.
Avery attempts to fit Acme parts together with gigantic guns.
AVERY
I cant use these. Whatre you
bringin me here? These are no
good.
Wile E. Coyote looks completely tired and stoned.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
I shoulda known better. It was
worse than putting metric tools on
American car nuts and bolts.
9.
Avery hands back the Acme box.
AVERY
Quit screwin around with them
drugs. Theyre messin up that keen
sense of smell and makin you
moosh!
Avery SLAMS the door shut.
INT. LITTLE RED RIDING HOODS GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE - AFTERNOON
Wile E. Coyote and LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD mix drugs on a
table full of cocaine and money.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Me and Red started our own scam.
Shed travel through the forest
every week and deliver the shit we
cut from our boys into the city to
sell for huge profits.
Just off to the side, GRANDMA SNORES in her bed.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
While granny slept in bed all day
doped up on Ambien. The only
problem was...
Little Red Riding Hood stops what she is doing and looks at
Wile E. Coyote.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Wanna fuck me like an animal on the
floor, big boy?
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Red liked doing the nasty with
other people in the room. She
coulda been in pornos.
Wile E. Coyote looks over at the bed.
WILE E. COYOTE
With Granny over there? What if she
wakes up?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
She wont. I gave her an extra dose
of Lunesta. Besides, I dont care.
10.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
But I cared. I couldnt perform in
front of a crowd like that. Red was
gonna be pissed if she didnt get
some of my lipstick to go with her
powdered nose.
Little Red Riding Hood moves in like a vixen.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Come on. Ride my hood. I want a
little doggy-style, man. Oh, Wile
E. Coyote, what a big package you
have!
Wile E. Coyote fights her off a little.
WILE E. COYOTE
Yeah! The better to...
Wile E. Coyote holds up a sign that reads: nope...
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Better to get the fuck outta here
before she tells the others Im as
limp as an over-cooked spaghetti
noodle.
Wile E. Coyote points.
WILE E. COYOTE
Grannys waking up!
EXT. LITTLE RED RIDING HOODS GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE -
CONTINUOUS
Wile E. Coyote bolts out the door. Little Red Riding Hood
takes a step outside and throws her basket.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Prick!
Freeze frame on Little Red Riding Hood.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
That was the last I ever heard from
Red.
(beat)
Poor thing had no idea what she was
seeing anymore. There were so many
drugs in her system, she wasnt
just seeing double, she was seeing
quadruple.
11.
INT. LITTLE RED RIDING HOODS GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE -
CONTINUOUS
Little Red Riding Hood walks over to her grandmothers bed.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
And not seeing straight made Red an
easy target.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Jesus Christ, Grandma! We need to
brush your teeth or something.
(beat)
What the...why are they so big...
no, thats not right. Your teeth
are enorm -- Grandma? Hey...why are
your teeth so fucking big, lady?
The Big Bad Wolf looks at the camera.
BIG BAD WOLF
Can I...can I just eat her?
Freeze frame on The Big Bad Wolf as he grins.
WILE E. COYOTE
That ugly bastard Big Bad Wolf was
a major player on Wall Street. He
was keeping a lot of the pack fed
and fat. I didnt know this...
Freeze frame on Little Red Riding Hood with a stupid face.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
...but he was bangin Red behind my
back. Sometimes he would hide under
the bed just to watch so he could
perform later.
Freeze frame of The Big Bad Wolf with Little Red Riding Hood
halfway down his throat.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
I wasnt the only animal with an
over boiled noodle dick.
(beat)
Unfortunately for him, Red was just
about to overdose when he gulped
her down in two bites. And this
was going to be Reds last
performance. Her final curtain
call. No flowers, no standing
ovations...just a big, bad trip.
12.
EXT. LITTLE RED RIDING HOODS GRANDMOTHERS HOUSE - LATER
The Big Bad Wolf stumbles out of the house and heads toward a
field of sheep.
EXT. FIELD OF SHEEP - CONTINUOUS
The Big Bad Wolf smiles like a creature in love and dances
past all the sheep.
BIG BAD WOLF
White...fluffy...nice and soft. Oh,
so pretty...
He strokes a few sheep as he dances in the field.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
The stuff in Reds system, mixed
with Grannys sleep medication,
proved to be a very interesting
cocktail for the Big Bad Wolf...
The Big Bad Wolf lies down in the grass. Sheep jump over his
head.
The Big Bad Wolfs pupils are as big as two gigantic bowling
balls. Reflections of sheep jump in the air, one by one.
BIG BAD WOLF
One...two...three...four...
His eyes slowly blink. A black screen closes in with a circle
that stops at the Big Bad Wolfs shut eyelid.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Ee-be-de-be-de-be-dee...thats not
all, folks.
The eyelid pops open and the Big Bad Wolfs eyeball looks
mean and evil...yellow with a black slit!
FADE OUT:
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Avery stands before a pack of hungry wolves inside a very
large office. This is similar to the Chest Beat scene from
The Wolf of Wall Street!
13.
AVERY
Hes gone, but Im not fuckin
leavin!
All the wolves HOWL.
AVERY (CONTD)
The show goes on! This is my den!
Theyre gonna need a fuckin bear
trap...to take me outta here!
The pack of wolves howl more.
AVERY (CONTD)
Theyre gonna need to send in the
national zoo keepers with ten
thousand tranquilizer darts, cuz I
aint goin nowhere!
The wolves HOWL LOUDER!
AVERY (CONTD)
FUCK THEM!
Avery leads the CHEST BEAT.
AVERY (CONTD)
Oh-oh...oh-oh...oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh...
Before the other wolves can join in on the chant, The Big Bad
Wolf BUSTS through the door with sheep skin over his body.
AVERY (CONTD)
Where did you run off to!? We all
thought you were dead!
The Big Bad Wolf BREATHES heavy. His chest inflates as big as
a yoga ball as he takes in air. Saliva drips from his mouth.
AVERY (CONTD)
This is my den now! Im takin over
this place! You cant lead! Youre
fuckin through! Who the fuck do
you think you are comin in here
all fucked up like this!?
BIG BAD WOLF
Im the Big...Bad...
Freeze frame on the Big Bad Wolf before he can finish his
sentence.
14.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
(long beat)
Okay, can we quit freezing the
frames and makin me talk all the
time? My throats gettin dry as
all hell.
INT. FBI OFFICE - LATER
Wile E. Coyote sits in a chair.
WILE E. COYOTE
Can I get a glass of water, please?
Two FBI agents, ELMER FUDD and YOSEMITE SAM sit across from
Wile E. Coyote on a couch.
ELMER FUDD
Shhhh...were talkin stwat-agees.
YOSEMITE SAM
Let me tell ya somethin else,
partner. That wolf killed everyone
in sight. All your pals are fur
fuckin coats! And now? We cant
seem to find that rootin, tootin,
Wall Street lootin, Big Bad Wolf!
He has eluded us and our team.
WILE E. COYOTE
Hes still out there!?
Wile E. Coyote holds up a wooden sign that reads: crap...
ELMER FUDD
Were weally saw-wee we wost dat
waskilly wolf, Why-wee.
YOSEMITE SAM
Heres what were gonna do fer ya:
Witness...protection program!
Yosemite Sam pulls out two six shooters from his belt and
FIRES the guns into the air.
YOSEMITE SAM (CONTD)
YEE-HAW! Yip-yip-yip...YAHOO!
Wile E. Coyote looks at the camera with doubt written all
over his face. The background DISSOLVES to an EXTERIOR of a
safe suburban neighborhood as Wile E. Coyote holds his
position.
15.
EXT. SAFE SUBURBAN NEIGHBORBOOD - CONTINUOUS
Wile E. Coyote continues to look at us with doubt and turns
to walk toward his new home.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
Yee-haw? Yahoo? Theres nothing to
get excited about now. Everything
is different...theres no action.
Cant even get decent food. The
night after I got here I ordered a
lamb chop with some mint jelly and
all I got were Kibbles and Bits
with gravy from adding water. Im
not Wile E. anymore. I get to live
the rest of my life like a dog.
Wile E. Coyote picks up his newspaper and waves.
WHIP PAN TO:
MICHAEL JACKSON waves to Wile E. Coyote. He wears the awesome
red leather jacket with zippers. Michael Jackson also walks a
giraffe on a leash and holds a monkeys hand.
WILE E. COYOTE (V.O.)
At least Michael Jacksons here
too. He lives down the street and
he fuckin loves animals. So I got
that goin for me...which is nice.
Michael Jackson walks with his back to us. He turns his head
and smiles. The movie freeze frames one last time. The frame
zooms in on Michael Jacksons eye -- yellow with a black slit
just like the Thriller music video. Just like The Big Bad
Wolf. Michael Jackson is The Big Bad Wolf. A MENACING LAUGH
ECHOES for a bit unil we...
CUT TO:
Black.
MUSIC plays for the END CREDITS: Hungry Like the Wolf by
Duran Duran.
TITLE: On the next full moon, Wile E. Coyote was never heard
from again.
TITLE: Michael Jackson is planning a big/bad wolf tour from
an undisclosed location...
FADE OUT:
THE END
16.