What do you think is the most important skill in life? I recently asked my co-workers this question, and I heard: The ability to focus. Communication skills. Inspiring others to greatness. These are wonderful skills, but I dont think they are paramount. For me, the most important skill in life is mastering how to get happy and stay happy. Another way of saying it is, mastering our emotions. Whats so important about mastering our emotions? When you have mastered your emotions, you can pick and choose how you feel at any given point in time, no matter what else is happening around you. You can choose to be happy, even when Rome is burning behind you. And when you are happy, you can do all those other things that people mentioned, i.e., focus, communicate, lead others to greatness. You are free to do your best and most inspired work. Getting happy and staying happy is about taking responsibility for your feelings. Its about mastering your emotions, and ultimately, yourself. The saying, Own your own actions and set yourself free, has had a profound impact on my life. Except that its not enough to own your own actions: you also have to own your own feelings in order to have true personal freedom. One of the reasons its so hard to get happy and stay happy is that we allow others to own our emotions. How many times have you heard: He made me so mad when he [insert offensive action], or She really pissed me off in that meeting! When you say, So-and-so made me mad, youre saying that power lies with the other person. They made you mad. They have the power to control your feelings. But actually, they didnt and they dont. You chose to get mad. You chose to stay mad. You chose to hold yourself apart from happiness. We have to take responsibility not only for our actions, but also for our emotions. Many people go through life like Pavlovs dogs, triggered to emotional responses by events that are outside of their control. If we operate unconsciously based upon our triggers, well go through life feeling like a victim, a pinball bouncing back and forth between external forces. I got promoted, yay, Im happy. That jerk Mark threw me under the bus at work, Im mad. I did that for many years, until a mentor asked me, When are you going to finally make the connection between you and all your problems? They all start with YOU. The path to self-mastery and happiness starts with accepting responsibility for your feelings and taking back the power you have inappropriately given to other people or life events. How do we get happy and stay happy? How do we master our emotions? Like all skills, mastering emotions takes practice. I started by paying attention to my every thought and feeling. You cant know if youre losing control of your feelings if you dont know how youre feeling at any given moment. Staying present is the key. When youre present to your feelings, you can always ask yourself, Do I want to continue feeling the way Im feeling right now? If the answer is no, then the next step is to choose how you want to feel. Your feelings are controlled almost 100% by your thoughts (in case its not obvious, Im excluding people with clinical depression), so if youre unhappy, it is most likely because youve been thinking negative thoughts. If youre going around thinking, Im a failure, my boss sucks, Im underpaid, no one loves me, people are toxic, my life is hell, then you are most likely feeling crappy. To break the cycle of negativity, choose to change your thoughts. There is literally a smorgasbord of thoughts from which we can pick and choose to fill our mental plate at any given moment. What works for me is to practice an attitude of gratitude, because gratitude and happiness are powerfully linked. This isnt just my opinion a tremendous amount of research supports the conclusion that your happiness and well-being are deeply intertwined with how thankful you are. Sometimes youre not feeling particularly grateful. Ive been there. But there has to be SOMETHING youre grateful for, even if its small, even if its ridiculous. There was a time in my life when I was losing my business, taking on all of its debts, and feeling tremendously guilty and ashamed for putting my employees out of jobs. I was sitting in my car bawling when suddenly I noticed I was wallowing in self-pity. I didnt want to continue feeling that debilitatingly bad, so I grudgingly started up my mental gratitude listexcept in that moment, I didnt feel grateful for much. The only thing that came to mind was, I have clean socks on. Ridiculous, I know. But that thought led to gratitude for my husband (who had washed my socks), gratitude for my impending motherhood (I was eight months pregnant), and eventually, gratitude for all the lessons I had learned as the proprietor of a failed business. I was able to pull myself together to a place of peace if not outright happiness and move forward with closing down shop. No, as of today, I have not yet completely mastered my every emotion. I cannot claim to always be in a state of happiness. Ive still got much work to do. Mastering the emotions requires constant integration and constant practice, and for those who choose to pursue this most important skill in life, our work is not done until our last breath.
Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They
Avoid Editors Note: Following the huge popularity of this post, article source Amy Morin has authored a Dec. 3 guest post on exercises to increase mental strength here. Cheryl Conner has also interviewed Amy Morin in a Forbes video chat that expands on this article here. For all the time executives spend concerned about physical strength and health, when it comes down to it, mental strength can mean even more. Particularly for entrepreneurs, numerous articles talk about critical characteristics of mental strengthtenacity, grit, optimism, and an unfailing ability as Forbes contributor David Williams says, to fail up. However, we can also define mental strength by identifying the things mentally strong individuals dont do. Over the weekend, I was impressed by this list compiled by Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, that she shared in LifeHack. It impressed me enough Id also like to share her list here along with my thoughts on how each of these items is particularly applicable to entrepreneurs. 1. Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves. You dont see mentally strong people feeling sorry for their circumstances or dwelling on the way theyve been mistreated. They have learned to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, and they have an inherent understanding of the fact that frequently life is not fair. They are able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned. When a situation turns out badly, they respond with phrases such as Oh, well. Or perhaps simply, Next! 2. Give Away Their Power. Mentally strong people avoid giving others the power to make them feel inferior or bad. They understand they are in control of their actions and emotions. They know their strength is in their ability to manage the way they respond. 3. Shy Away from Change. Mentally strong people embrace change and they welcome challenge. Their biggest fear, if they have one, is not of the unknown, but of becoming complacent and stagnant. An environment of change and even uncertainty can energize a mentally strong person and bring out their best. 4. Waste (much) a of these f thing the well. 5. Worry out of the position i where ap someone It takes m 6. Fear T This is a strength, potential 7. Dwell acknowle avoid mi by. They 8. Make when we than wev and is wi accurate executive 9. Resen exciteme become j e Energy on about bad tra factors are g y can alway y About Ple eir way to di is a good on ppropriate, bu will get ups much practic Taking Calc different thi an individua downsides a on the Past edging the th ring their me y invest the m the Same M e take the sam ve gotten be illing to learn and product es and entrep t Other Peo ent for other jealous or re n Things The affic, lost lug generally bey s control is t easing Other is-please oth ne. A mentall ut is unafraid set and will n ce to hone m culated Risk ing entirely t al can weigh and even the t. There is st hings learned ental energy majority of th Mistakes Ov me actions a efore. A men n from mista tive way is o preneurs. oples Succe peoples suc sentful when ey Cant Co ggage, or esp yond their co their own res rs. Know an hers as a way ly strong per d to speak up navigate the
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13. Expect Immediate Results. Whether its a workout plan, a nutritional regimen, or starting a business, mentally strong people are in it for the long haul. They know better than to expect immediate results. They apply their energy and time in measured doses and they celebrate each milestone and increment of success on the way. They have staying power. And they understand that genuine changes take time. Do you have mental strength? Are there elements on this list you need more of? With thanks to Amy Morin, I would like to reinforce my own abilities further in each of these areas today. How about you?
5 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your
Mental Strength The following guest post is by Amy Morin, a licensed clinical social worker in Lincoln, Maine. In addition to working as a psychotherapist, she is also an adjunct college psychology instructor and she serves as About.coms Parenting Teens expert. Amy Mo Psycholo of menta thoughts, strength i create yo Mental st about est improvem Although becomes mental st Many ex you starte 1. Evalu Weve al develop o core belie Sometim never suc not prese fulfilling orin ogy often dis l strength. T , and behave is about find our own defin trength invo tablishing he ment. h its easier t most appare trength is the ercises exist ed: ate Your Co ll developed over time an efs or not, th mes, core beli cceed in life ent yourself w g prophecy. scusses ment To me, menta e in a positiv ding the cour nition of suc lves more th ealthy habits to feel menta ent in the mi e best way to t that can hel ore Beliefs core beliefs nd largely de hey influence iefs are inacc , you may be well on job i tal health al strength m ve manner, d rage to live a ccess. han just willp and choosin ally strong w idst of traged o prepare for lp you devel s about ourse epend upon o e your thoug curate and u e less apt to interviews. T
but whats n means that yo despite your c according to power; it req ng to devote when life see dy. Choosing r lifes inevi lop mental st elves, our liv our past expe ghts, your be unproductive apply for ne Therefore, yo not often dis ou regulate y circumstanc o your values quires hard w your time a ems simple g to develop itable obstac trength. But ves and the w eriences. Wh ehavior and e e. For examp ew jobs an our core bel scussed is a your emotion es. Develop s and being b work and com and energy to often, true p skills that i cles. here are fiv world in gen hether your emotions. ple, if you be nd inadverte iefs may bec clear definit ns, manage y ing mental bold enough mmitment. I o self- e mental stre ncrease you ve that can ge neral. Core be re aware of y elieve that yo ently, you m come a self- tion your h to Its ength ur et eliefs your oull may Identify and evaluate your core beliefs. Look for beliefs that are black and white, and then find exceptions to the rule. Very few things in life are always or never true. Modifying core beliefs requires purposeful intention and hard work, but it can change the entire course of your life. 2. Expend Your Mental Energy Wisely Wasting brain power ruminating about things you cant control drains mental energy quickly. The more you think about negative problems that you cant solve, the less energy youll have leftover for creative endeavors. For example, sitting and worrying about the weather forecast isnt helpful. If a major storm is headed your way, worrying about it wont prevent it. You can, however, choose to prepare for it. Focus on what is only within your control. Save your mental energy for productive tasks, such as solving problems or setting goals.When your thoughts arent productive, make a conscious effort to shift your mental energy to more helpful topics. The more you practice expending your mental energy wisely, the more it will become a habit. 3. Replace Negative Thoughts with Productive Thoughts Although most of us dont spend time thinking about our thoughts, increasing your awareness of your thinking habits proves useful in building resilience. Exaggerated, negative thoughts, such as, I cant ever do anything right, hold you back from reaching your full potential. Catch your negative thoughts before they spiral out of control and influence your behavior. Identify and replace overly negative thoughts with thoughts that are more productive. Productive thoughts dont need to be extremely positive, but should be realistic. A more balanced thought may be, I have some weaknesses, but I also have plenty of strengths. Changing your thoughts requires constant monitoring, but the process can be instrumental in helping you become your best self. 4. Practice Tolerating Discomfort Being mentally strong doesnt mean you dont experience emotions. In fact, mental strength requires you to become acutely aware of your emotions so you can make the best choice about how to respond. Mental strength is about accepting your feelings without being controlled by them. Mental strength also involves an understanding of when it makes sense to behave contrary to your emotions. For example, if you experience anxiety that prevents you from trying new things or accepting new opportunities, try stepping out of your comfort zone if you want to continue to challenge yourself. Tolerating uncomfortable emotions takes practice, but it becomes easier as your confidence grows. Practice behaving like the person youd like to become. Instead of saying, I wish I could be more outgoing, choose to behave in a more outgoing manner, whether you feel like it or not. Some discomfort is often necessary for greater gain, and tolerating that discomfort will help make your vision a reality, one small step at a time.
5. Reflect on Your Progress Daily Todays busy world doesnt lend itself to making much time available for quiet reflection. Create time to reflect upon your progress toward developing mental strength. At the end of each day, ask yourself what youve learned about your thoughts, emotions and behavior. Consider what you hope to improve upon or accomplish tomorrow. Developing mental strength is a work in progress. There is always room for improvement, and at times this will seem more difficult than at other times. Reflecting upon your progress can reinforce your ability to reach your definition of success while living according to your values.
14 Things Every Successful Person Has In
Common Im constantly interviewing successful people here at Forbes. Since 2007, Ive spoken to over 1,200 CEOs, celebrities, authors, politicians and even an astronaut. When speaking to these individuals, I always notice common traits that they all have, which lend to their success. Ive boiled all of these into the top 14 things that all of them have in common. If you can think of any additional ones, leave them in the comments. 1. They know when to stay and when to leave. Successful people know exactly when they should change employers, start a company or fold their company. They have good intuition and arent afraid to make hard choices, despite opposing forces. 2. They do more than whats asked of them. They view their job descriptions as just the beginning of what they can do with their job. After theyve completed their mandatory tasks, they will always ask to take on more projects that challenge them. They are even willing to take on the tedious work that no one else wants to do in order to be a team player. 3. They are willing to fail in order to eventually succeed. All successful people know that it doesnt come easy and they are bound to fail more than they will succeed at anything. They are willing to learn from each failure, as it will help them make better decisions that lead to success later. While many people give up after failing at something, a successful person will persevere. 4. They know that they make their own luck. Luck is derived from hard work over time and positioning yourself for success. You wont randomly get lucky and successful people know that. They will do at least one thing every single day to put themselves in a better position to get lucky and then use that luck to grow. 5. They set real goals that they can accomplish. Successful people wake up and theyve already planned their day, while unsuccessful people are scrambling to figure out what they need to do next. Their goals are very focused, big yet obtainable and are aligned to their strengths. They know what they are capable of and will invest all of their efforts in it, avoiding their weaknesses. 6. They take accountability for themselves and their actions. They arent relying on other people in order to get the job done. Instead, they are looking inwards and are trying to find the solutions, while leveraging their current assets. If they make a mistake, they own up to it and immediately think of ways that they can improve next time, not making the same mistake twice. 7. They make change instead of being affected by it. Successful people arent waiting around to be affected by economic trends. They are the ones who are creating the trends and making things happen. 8. They are able to adjust to changes in the marketplace. Successful people are willing to reinvent themselves to stay relevant in the business world. They understand that if you stay stagnant and ignore trends, that you will be left behind. They are constantly coming up with new ideas, searching for the next big thing and getting new skills. 9. They can communicate their story effectively. If you walk up to a successful person and ask them what they do, they will able to tell you everything in a concise manner. They know who they are, what they do and can make you believe in them. They have strong posture and are very persuasive and confident. 10. They ask the right questions to the people who can deliver the right answers. Successful people know they need to solve problems by tapping their networks. They arent afraid of emailing or calling the best person who can answer their questions. They are always prepared with the right questions and are always willing to help the other person out in return. 11. They are life-long learners who push themselves out of their comfort zones. While most people think that when they graduate college, they are finished being a student, successful people remain students. They are constantly learning new things and have new experiences. They arent afraid to try new activities and to fail at them. 12. They know who they are and their place in the world. Successful people are confident and can lead themselves, as well as others. They have their own vision and mission and seek to bring it to life on a daily basis. They also know who they arent and dont waste time on things that they arent good at or they arent satisfied with. 13. They are more excited about the journey than the pay out. Successful people ignore get rich quick schemes. They are more focused on building sustainable careers through hard work, risk taking and creativity. They enjoy the journey, despite the obstacles, because they are doing something that has meaning in their lives. 14. They create instead of just consume. While most people are busy reading emails, watching TV or listening to a podcast, successful people are creating new tools, presentations and coming up with ideas. They are the ones who are making things that other people need instead of being on the other end of the spectrum, consuming them.