Documente Academic
Documente Profesional
Documente Cultură
Total = $1,000.00
Conclusion
I am looking forward to your response and would appreciate
it greatly. Many benefits could arise from this program,
financially and socially. I am enthusiastic about research-
ing for this much- needed program. Again I want to reiterate
that I intend to reveal a valid need for this program and not
formulate the program. I have had experience with dealing
12
3
114 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
To: David Brennick
FROM: Debra Journet
RE: Proposal
A proposal has to convince the reader of two things: 1) that the
problem addressed in the proposal is significant and worth
tackling, and 2) that the proposed project will be effective in
solving or (helping to solve) that problem. Your proposal does a
good job in demonstrating the importance of your topic, and Im
pretty convinced about the need to start doing research in this
area. (I do think, though, that you might relate that need more
specifically to your reader. What significance does this all
have for Family Hospital?) What Im not so sure of from reading
this proposal, though, is what your research is actually going to
look like. That is, youve convinced me 1) that the problem
needs to be addressed, but not 2) that your proposed project is
the best way to meet that need. As a potential funder, Im
most concerned that your proposal provides only a sketchy
description of the promised report. Id really like more
information about what Im buying here--especially if you expect
me to spend $1000 on it. (A lot of money for an unsolicited
proposal from a student!)
Specifically, it would help me to have
a. A more explicit statement of your objectives (see 9. below)
b. A more detailed description of the product: what topics the
report will cover, what kind of detail it will go into, what
research it will involve, (see 10. below)
After I get this information, Ill be pleased to approve the
topic.
Approved pending above.
Some more specific comments on the proposal (keyed to numbers in
the margin) are listed below:
1. This is a pretty important sentence. Can it be phrased more
directly: e.g., something along the lines of With this data, I
hope to demonstrate you need a co-dependency therapy program.
But . . .
115 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
2. Youre requesting to do the research--which means you dont
yet have the data. This statement, though, sounds like youve
already made up your mind about what that (as yet unobtained)
data will reveal.
3. This sounds rather general. Is anyone whos obsessed with
controlling another a co-dependent? Since co-dependency is such
an important concept in this proposal, you might want to spend a
little more time defining it. Its here that you begin to
establish your ethos--to convince the reader you understand the
problem and have the necessary expertise to tackle it.
4. Some of the sentences in this paragraph are a little wordy
(w). (Remember our discussions of sentence structure?) Ive
edited two sentences for conciseness. Can you think of ways to
make other sentences more economical and direct?
5. In order to avoid the awkwardness of him/her but still avoid
sexist language, you might consider making these plural: e.g. . . .
often leave codependents (and those around them)unaware of their
illnesses.
6. Its not altogether clear whether your concern in providing
treatment for the codependent is to help the codependent or to
improve the treatment of the dependent patient (or both). Can
you make your focus more specific? (This kind of detail will
help convince the reader that this project is practical and
worthwhile.)
7. Is the program that your report will point to concerned only
with detecting codependency or will it also offers ways to treat
codependency?
8. Can you relate this more carefully to your specific readers?
This would be a good occasion to mention Family Hospitals need for
a codependency program and the benefits the hospital would gain.
9. The objectives need to be phrased more specifically in terms
of what the report itself will do. The first statement isnt
really an objective of the report, and the second two are not
very explicit in telling me the report will accomplish.
10. Similarly, this description of the proposed report provides
little specifics about the report Im supposed to be buying.
Aside from the last two sentences of this section, I have very
little specific idea about what topics the report will cover,
116 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
what kind of information it will include, how long it will be.
11. When do you plan to write the report?
12. You might try to find a more positive way to express this.
(Remember the rhetorical focus of the proposal is to persuade the
reader of the projects benefits.) Perhaps something along the
lines of: This report in demonstrating the need for a
codependency program will provide first step in implementing such
a program. Subsequent research will be needed to formulate that
programs details.
117 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
Analytical Report
Description of Assignment
I give students the following memo to explain the analytical report
assignment:
TO: English 303 Participants
FROM: Debra Journet
RE: Assignment of Formal Report
Your next assignment is to write the report which you have just proposed. You
should now have a clear sense of the intended audience and purpose of your
report, as well as what topics your report will include, how it will be orga-
nized, and what research you will need to conduct. In a sense, then, you have
created your own assignment: your report should address the issues and meet
the objectives as outlined in your proposal. This memo will give you some
additional guidelines for preparing the report.
Format of the Report
Unless you have good reasons to do otherwise (and if so, you need to check
with me first), you should plan to write a two-level formal report (not a memo
or letter). We will go over these format requirements in class, but note that a
two-level report contains the following:
An opening segment consisting of a Foreword and Summary. This section is
written for people interested primarily in your conclusions and recommenda-
tions (usually executives and decision-makers).
The Foreword should identify the problem youre addressing in its
organizational context. It should also specify the technical problem and the techni-
cal tasks you performed to solve this problem. Finally, it should state the
rhetorical purpose of the report.
The Summary (sometimes called the Executive Summary) should
provide a condensed version of the report, identifying its objectives, methodol-
ogy, results, conclusions, and recommendations. The summary provides an
overview of the whole reportas it is of interest to decision-makers.
A Discussion segment consisting of an Introduction, Sections discussing
your research (organized as appropriate to audience, purpose, and topic),
Conclusions and Recommendations.
The Introduction should place the problem addressed into context and
identify the technical questions arising from this problem, should identify the
118 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
rhetorical purpose of the report, and may preview the reports organization. (In
other words, youll want to follow the CPO guidelines weve been discussing
this semester.)
The body of the report should employ a hierarchical structure, using
substantive headings.
The Conclusion and Recommendations should summarize the main
points, state the conclusions drawn from the research, and offer specific recom-
mendations asappropriate.
Because the report is addressed to a complex audience, the two levels should
be self-contained (that is, dont assume readers of one level will have read the
other level). Thus, as you can see, there is some built-in redundancy in this
report (that is, information will be repeated in various sections). More informa-
tion and examples of the two-level report will be given in class.
The report should also contain a letter of transmittal, title page, table of con-
tents, lists of tables and/or figures (if necessary), references, and appendices (if
necessary). More details about the format will be given in class.
The length of the report will be governed by the audience and purpose; that is,
the report should be as long as it needs to be and no longer. Given the appara-
tus of the report, however, its unlikely that you can achieve your purpose in
less than ten pages.
Schedule for the Report
Please observe the following due dates:
April 8. One section of the Report due for Rough Draft Workshop.
April 17. Foreword and Summary due for Rough Draft Workshop.
April 24. Formal report due.
Conferences to look at drafts will be scheduled on April 22. But you should
feel free to make appointments to discuss drafts at other times during the
month.
Evaluation Criteria
1. Does the report contain all the appropriate components, and in the correct
format?
2. Does the Foreword help the intended audience identify the organizational
problem, technical problem and tasks, and rhetorical purpose of the report?
3. Does the Summary offer a clear condensation of the report, as it would be of
interest to decision-makers?
4. Is the introduction effective in establishing the context, purpose, and organi-
zation of the proposal?
119 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
5. Does the information presented in the report meet the proposals objectives?
Are the conclusions and recommendations clear? Is the source of the informa-
tion clearly indicated?
6. Are the main sections organized hierarchically? Is that organization re-
flected visually and verbally (i.e., headings, subheadings, preview and sum-
mary statements, etc.)?
7. Are the graphics rhetorically effective and easy to use?
8. Is the style concise, active, and coherent? Are there adequate transitions? Is
the word choice appropriate?
9. Is the reports documentation adequate and correct?
10. Is the report free from disconcerting mechanical errors, such as spelling
and grammatical mistakes?
Explanation of Commentary
The formal report is the last assignment in my technical writing class
and thus brings together all the skills and principles weve been discussing
throughout the semester. In my commentary on the report, I try to sum up the
students achievement throughout the semester, to identify particular
strengths, to point once more to areas to work on, and to offer one last
reminder of the rhetorical principles which guided the course.
The report written by Rena Thompson on Indoor Air Pollution
Problems Associated with Energy Efficient Buildings represents the
culmination of a lot of work by a good and conscientious student. The writer,
who is an older student, began the semester by expressing some concerns
about the course: it had been several years since she had written any kind of
long academic paper. As the semester proceeded, her confidence in her writing
grew, and I wanted to use this last opportunity of evaluation to foster that
confidence. I thus emphasized the real strengths of this report: the careful
research, the logical way it was organized and presented, the professional
appearance of the document. I also took note of how hard she had worked
throughout the course, and how much I saw that work paying off.
My specific comments on the report tended to center on the rhetorical
contextthe need to focus the material more carefully on the readers needs.
This document, which sometimes seems more like a term paper than a report
addressed to a particular reader about a particular problem, shows how
difficult it is for some students to move from academic to professional
writing. The writer of this paper still clearly sees herself as a student: the
topical rather than problem-solving organization and the tentative
recommendations suggest how problematic it can sometimes be to establish
authority as a writer. I wanted to alert Ms. Thompson to some of these
120 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
concerns, but not to overwhelm her with them (especially since her confidence
was part of the issue). Thus, the bulk of my suggestions have to do with tying
her needs as a writer (she clearly wanted the company to improve her working
conditions) with the readers concerns (the company clearly wants a more
productive workforce).
There were very few mechanical problems in this paper, and no
important patterns, so I just made a few editing marks in the text.
My evaluation of Ms. Thompsons report was produced on a computer
for the reasons I outlined in my explanation of my commentary on Margaret
ONeils rsum and application letter.
121 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
6301 Moorman Road
Louisville, KY 40272
April 24, 1991
Professor Debra Journet
Department of English, Room 319C
University of Louisville
Louisville, KY
Dear Dr. Journet:
I am enclosing my final written project for your
technical writing course, a report on the problem of air
pollution in todays energy efficient office buildings.
While researching this project, I discovered that there
are approximately 1000 indoor pollutants, of which 60 are
carcinogenic. I also found that todays energy efficient
buildings are more prone to indoor pollution since they
are airtight and this allows the concentration of pollut-
ants. research indicates that symptoms of illnesses
caused by indoor pollution range from ones that cause
discomfort to those that are deadly (i.e. Legionnaires
Disease). I hope that I have been clear and persuasive
enough to make my company realize that this is a problem
that affects the health of many, and that steps should be
taken to insure a healthy workplace.
As for my thoughts about this course, I feel that I
have learned a lot, and that this was a perfect way for me
to relearn the skills needed for doing research papers
and other class writing. The workshops were the hardest
part for me since I found it difficult to say critical
things about other peoples work for fear of hurting their
feelings. I know it is necessary to be able to give
constructive criticism as well as receive it and I think I
was getting better at it at the end.
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Rena L. Thompson
Be
consistent
cap
zip
space
122 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
April 24, 1991
Indoor Air Pollution Problems Associated
With Energy Efficient Buildings
by
Rena L. Thompson
123 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
Table of Contents
Page
Foreword 1
Summary 2
Introduction 3
Causes of Indoor Pollution 4
Pollution-Related Health Problems 6
Costs 7
How This Relates To Our Company 7
Conclusions and Recommendations 8
Reference List 9
Appendices 10
This heading is not in the report itself
iii
iv
1
124 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
ii
Foreword
In the past year, Insurance Analysis Services has seen a
large increase in absenteeism, and a corresponding increase
in claim errors resulting in voids. These problems are
caused, in part, by indoor pollution. Indoor pollution in
office buildings is caused by accumulated toxins from any
number of the 1000 indoor pollutants identified by the
Environmental Protection Agency. The collection of symptoms
and illnesses resulting from indoor pollution are many,
and one commonly used name for them is sick building syndrome
(SBS).
Absenteeism results in lower production. Errors result in
voids which must be reinput and this also causes lower
production. Since only a small percentage of processed
claims are quality-reviewed, some claims are going out with
errors such asi to the wrong customer, for the wrong
dependent, with mistakes in computation resulting in
overpayments, and payments for ineligible services. All
these items result in not only higher costs to the company,
but also customer dissatisfaction.
In this report I present information about indoor air quality
problems and their affects on employee health and job perfor-
mance. I will describe options available to determine the
extent of the problems and ways to reduce or alleviate them.
?
1
sp
this
list
needs
to be
parallel
iii
125 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
1
Summary
There are many sources of indoor pollutants. These include
cigarette smoke, incorrect humidity levels, emissions from
furniture and carpeting, office machines, and constructions
materials,paper, and organic compounds. Virtually every
part of our working environment contributes to indoor
pollution (Buildings 1989, Laliberte 1989, McKee 1990,
Emmerling 1989).
Prior to the energy crisis of the 1970s, we were unaware
of most of these pollutants, since the our workplaces
allowed a constant flow of fresh air through windows,
cracks, and crevices, thus preventing a buildup of them.
Today's energy efficient buildings, tightened to prevent
heating and cooling loss, often have very little fresh air
intake thus allowing pollutants to become more concentrated
in the recirculated air (Sievert 1989). Also, ventilation
systems are often shut down too early, or have too many
off-periods, in order to save energy dollars (Building
1989, Sievert 1989).
Proper humidity levels are also important to employee
health and production. If too high or too low they affect
the growth of fungi, mold, bacteria, and viruses. They
also affect the performance of computers and other office
machines (Buildings 1989, Ylvisaker 1989).
The illnesses and complaints associated with polluted
buildings include headaches, respiratory infections,
shortness of breath, eye, nose, and throat irritations,
itchy skin, nosebleeds, disorientation, rashes, and poor
concentration. Deadly examples include Legionnaires
Disease and cancer (Laliberte 1990, McKee 1990, Holtom
1990).
Pollution-related health problems cost employers a great
deal of money due to absenteeism and poor job performance.
Estimates vary, but costs are thought to be in the billions
of dollars. Add to this the cost of medical care.
Computers and other machines are sensitive to dust and
humidity, and breakdowns can be very costly to a company iv
126 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
y
like ours that depends on speed and accuracy.
2
Conclusions and recommendations
Ours is a relatively new and energy efficient building. As
our clientele has grown so have the sources of pollution.
We receive a tremendous amount of paper daily and this
creates a lot of dust. We have dozens of ozone-emitting
copiers and printers that are used constantly. And since
we now have a cafeteria in the building, we have pollutants
from the kitchen.
Our company depends on high production and quality in order
to stay viable. Our employees cannot perform up to their
potential if made ill by their environment. They will make
mistakes that cost the company not only monetarily but also
in customer goodwill. As a corporation, Insurance Analysis
prides itself on customer satisfaction and promises prompt
and accurate service. We will not be able to keep that
promise if our building is health hazard.
The solution to out air quality problems lies in knowing
precisely what we are dealing with and how effective our
present systems are functioning. I recommend that the
company send for one or more of the free publications
available that offer guidance in assessing indoor air
quality. (see Appendix A). Then we can determine if a
complete diagnostic examination of our building is in
order. Appendix B has a list of local firms that do diag-
nostic examinations.
v
2
good
audience
adaptation
a
127 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
3
3
In this report I will present data about indoor air qual-
ity problems associated with energy efficient buildings
such as ours. I will address the causes of indoor air
pollution, costs to employers, and ways to assess the
extent of, and steps available to reduce or alleviate, the
pollution.
Causes of Indoor Pollution
Many things contribute to poor indoor air quality includ-
ing cigarette smoke, furniture and carpeting, office ma-
chines, humidity levels and construction materials
(Laliberte 1990, McKee 1990). And while many of these
factors have always been present in buildings, it was not
until buildings were tightened in an effort to make
them more energy efficient that problems associated with
indoor aitr pollution began to become noticeable (Sievert
1990).
Airtight Buildings
When the energy crisis of the 1970s hit, one of the ways
companies tried to save energy dollars was by constructing
new buildings, and modifying old ones, to be airtight to
reduce gheating and cooling loss. And while many things
contribute to indoor pollution, it was this tightening of
buildings that caused increased concentration of pollut-
ants, especially in buildings with inadequate fresh air
intake (Sievert 1989). Poor ventilation, according to
Gray Robertson of Healthy Buildings International, an
indoor-air inspection firm in Fairfax, VA, has been found
in 62 percent of the buildings the firm has inspected.
People have shut off the fresh-air supply to save
money, he says, and its only a matter of time before
they get sick (McKee 1990).
1
Introduction ?
Context?
Purpose
Organization
4
5
128 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Current standards for fresh air intake of five(5) cubic
feet per minute (CFM) per person is too low to flush out
pollutants, and an increase to twenty(20) CFM per person
has been found to reduce indoor pollution levels, in most
cases to tolerable levels. Too many off-periods for
ventilation systems or shutting the systems down too early
at the end of the day also can adversely affect indoror
air quality (Buildings 1989).
4
Another factor that can affect the operation of
ventilation systems is the placement of air intake valves.
If placed too near areas with heavy traffic, such as
loading docks, the valves will bring pollutants such as
carbon monoxide into the building instead of fresh air and
dangerous levels can be reached even in buildings with
apparently adequate ventilation systems (McKee 1990).
Relative Humidity
Improper humidity levels have been shown to affect
employee health and production and office machines. If
too high or too low, bacteria, viruses, and fungi become
more evident. If too high, people become susceptible to
respiratory infections. Studies have found that where
humidity levels are controlled absenteeism is reduced and
production is higher. Also, computers function with less
down time due to static electricity and copiers do not
jam.
Standard relative humidity levels are now 120 to 80
percent, but recent studies show that the optimum levels
should be 40 to 60 percent. A University of Saskatchewan
study shows that raising minimum levels from 20 percent to
only 30 percent would lower absenteeism by 10 to 15
percent, which could save industry billions of dollars
(Buildings 1989).
Volatile Organic Compounds
Volatile organic compounds (VOC) are chemicals that turn
to gas at room temperature,and are given off by many
common materials, such as furniture, and carpeting,
paints, cleaning supplies, office machines, paper, and
cigrarettes, to name only a few sources. For exampole,
; i
levels are
A better
transition?
129 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
many copiers and laser printers emit ozone which is a
severe lung irritant and which causes a breakdown of red
blood cells. Furniture and carpeting, as well as many
building materials give off formaldehyde which causes
headaches, nausea, dizziness and coughing. While
individual VOCs are usually present in small quantities,
an Environmental Protection Agency study of various
public buildings has found that a typical air sample
contained 100 to 200 different compounds at levels much
higher than outdoors (Laliberte 1991, Buildings 1989,
Emmerling 1989, Holtom 1990).
5
Biological Agents
Biological agents are viruses, bacteria, fungal spores,
algae, pollen, mold, and dust mites. They are found in
improperly cleaned and maintained ventilation systems and
humidifiers, and water-damaged furniture and carpeting
(Laliberte 1990, Buildings 1989, Holtom 1990).
Carbon Dioxide and Carbon Monoxide
Carbon dioxide (CO2) is a by-product of breathing and
levels are determined by the number of people in the
building and the amount of fresh air that enters the
building. Carbon monoxide (CO) is produced by cigarette
smoke and in vehicle exhaust which is drawn into a
building if air intake vents are located too near a
garage or traffic (Laliberte 1991).
These are only a few of the approximately 1000 indoor
pollutants identified by the Environmental Protection
Agency of which 60 are thought to be carcinogenic (Holtom
1990).
Pollution-Related Health Problems
The illnesses associated with indoor air pollution are
called variety of names: sick building syndrome, 20th-
century disease, and ecological illness to name a few.
The symptoms include headaches, respiratory problems,
comma
fault
130 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
shortness of breath, eye, nose, and throat irritation,
itchy skin, nose bleeds, disorientation, rashes and poor
concentration (Ylvesaker 1989, McKee 1990).
Ozone and formaldehyde are lung irritants. Carbon dioxide,
carbon monoxide, and formaldehyde cause headaches,
dizziness, nausea, drowsiness, and lung problems. At high
levels, carbon monoxide can cause death. Biological
pollutants cause problems such as respiratory infections,
some more serious examples are Legionnaires Disease,
hypersensitivity pneumonia and humidifier fever (McKee
1990, Holtom 1990).
6
Costs
All of the above mentioned pollution-related health
problems cost companies a great deal of money due to
absenteeism and decreased production. Estimates vary, but
the costs are thought to be in the billions of dollars.
According to one studys estimate, respiratory infections
alone account for about 150 million lost workdays, at least
$59 billion in indirect costs such as lost income due to
workers being out, and an additional $15 billion in medical
costs (Laliberte 1990). An EPA report to Congress
attributes $1 billion in medical costs to heart disease
and cancer caused by indoor pollution (Holtom 1990).
When looking at the costs associated with indoor pollution,
companies should also consider the possibility of future
liability for failure to correct health hazards. Lawsuits
related to debilitating illnesses caused by indoor
pollution could amount to millions of dollars in
judgements. A case in California has already resulted in a
settlement of $600,000.00 for a computer worker in his case
against practically everyone involved in the construction
of his workplace (Nelson-Norchler 1989).
How This Relates To Our Company
Well related to the reader's needs. Can you do
more of this throughout?
131 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
Ours is a relatively new and energy efficient building,
and there are many sources of pollution, such as copiers
and other machines, tons of paper, cleaning supplies, and
etc. With as many pollutants as our building contains we
need to know how serious our problem is.
One of my duties in my department is to maintain the
employee sign-in sheets and to record the reasons given
for unscheduled absences. Most often the reason or
reasons given are indicative of sick building syndrome.
My conversations with those in other departments who
perform the same duties indicate the same pattern of
complaints.
A company like ours is dependent on high production and
quality. We promise our customers that their medical
claims will be processed promptly and accurately. If our
employees
7
are absent, or not meeting production, or are making too
many mistakes due to a sick building, we will not be able
to keep our promise. This will cost the company in
revenue, the goodwill of our customers, for medical
insurance, and possibly, the loyalty of our work force.
Conclusions and Recommendations
There are ways to remedy a sick building: making sure
ventilation systems and air ducts are functioning
properly, having exhaust fans over copiers, and making
sure humidity levels conform to accepted standards, to
name only a few. In order to learn what our company needs
to do to insure a healthy work environment, I recommend
that we obtain one or more of the free publications listed
in Appendix A which will serve as a guide to remedying our
problems., Appendix B has a list of local firms that
specialize in doing diagnostic examinations of building
and suggesting ways to combat indoor pollution.
6
132 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
8
Reference List
Emmerling, Susan G. 1989. Hazards Management. American
School and University 61:18-23
Holtom, Robert B. 1990. Seeking the SBS Cure. Bests
Review 90:64-6,83
Laliberte, Richard. 1990. The Truth About Breathing Un-
easy: Sick building Syndrome. Health 22:62-5,82
McKee, Bradford A. 1990. Yearning to Breathe Free.
Nations Business 78:46-7
Nelson-?Norchler, Joani. 1989. Sick Buildings: The
Inside Story On Air Pollution. Industry Week 238:69
Sievert, George. 1989. Understanding Indoor Air Quality
Can Help Diagnose The Cure. American School and Univer-
sity 61: 19-24
Ylvesaker, Peter N. 1989. Air Quality: Is It (Wheeze;
Cough!) Time to Test. Buildings 83:62-4
1989.
133 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
1989. Indoor Air Quality: You Are What You Breathe.
Buildings 83:90-1
9
Appendix A
Publications Available About Indoor Air Quality Problems
The Inside Story: A Guide To Indoor Air Quality; a free
32 pg. book from: Public
Information Center
U.S. E.P.A.
Mail Code PM-211B
401 M Street, SW
Wash., D.C. 20460
Guidance for Indoor Air Quality Investigations; a free
handbook from: Division of Respiratory Diseases
Studies at NIOSH
944 Chestnut Ridge Road
Morgantown, W. VA. 26505
Indoor Air Quality; a N.J. Information Bulletin from
PEOSH from:N.J. Department of Health
PEOSH Project 7th Floor CN-360
Trenton, N.J. 08625
134 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
(609) 984-1863
A free, nontechnical information packet is available from:
Building Owners and Managers
Association International
1201 N.Y. Ave., N.W. Suite 300
Wash., D.C. 20005
(202) 289-7000
10
Appendix B
Louisville Companies That Do Diagnostic Examinations of
Buildings
Diversified Industries Inc.
3600 Chamberlain lane
Louisville, KY 429-5818
Erce Consulting Engineers
310 W. Liberty
Louisville, KY 585-2039
Fisher-Klosterman Inc
2901 Magazine
Louisville, KY 776-1505
Flowers, R.L. & Associates, Inc
13005 Middletown Industrial Blvd
Louisville, KY 245-6626
Harping Inc. Industrial Sheet Metal
330 Boxley Ave.
Louisville, KY 636-3700
135 Debra Journet, University of Louisville
TO: Rena Thompson
FROM: Debra Journet
RE: Major Report
This is a very impressive document. Youve done really good work
throughout the semester, and this report is the culmination of
all your effort. Theres a lot of careful research here, and
its put to effective use in making your case. I was
particularly impressed with the way you demonstrated the
seriousness of the problem and am convinced of the importance of
your companys looking into it further.
The report is well organized overall. Theres a nice
hierarchical structure thats reflected both visually and
verbally. I would suggest in the section on Causes of Indoor
Pollution that you make some kind of visual distinction between
headings and subheadings. (One in capitals, the other not, for
instance).
I would also recommend you think about punching up your
recommendations. As it stands, the report does a good job of
detailing the problem, but doesnt make it very clear what you
want the company to do next. The recommendation is kind of
buried in the end; your specific suggestions really need to be
emphasized. You want to keep underlining that you want your
company to take some action. Moreover, you should be clearer--
and more emphatic (though politely so)--about what you want them
to do. All that careful research has earned you this right.
What follows are some specific questions or concerns (keyed to
numbers in the margin of your text) that came up as I was
reading.
1. This foreword is effective in making the organizational
problem clear. But you dont really state the technical problem
and task--i.e., what you had to do to prepare this report. Making
this explicit will help readers see the reports value.
2. Is this part of the summary? It looks like a separate
section, which is confusing since theres already a later section
called Conclusions and Recommendations. The paragraphs on this
page are really central to your purpose. I think you could be
clearer what you want your company to do. Remember whos likely
136 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
to read this section. Its here that you not only have to
establish the need (which you do), but also make very clear what
kind of action you recommend.
3. This is a pretty cursory introduction. Remember that not
everyone will read the whole report, from first to last page.
This introduction is important in orienting readers to the body
of the report. Can you use the introduction to make the context
of the report clearer?
4. Can you make the organization of this section clearer? A
preview statement and better headings would help establish the
hierarchy of ideas here.
5. You might think about connecting this more specifically to
your audience. Though you do have a section at the end on how
this problem relates to us, readers might not get that far.
The more you can tie into the readers needs--the more relevance
you can establish throughout--the better.
6. After the seriousness of the problem you outline (illness,
absenteeism, loss of profits, declining loyalties, etc.), these
recommendations seem rather tame. Do you not want to go further
than suggest writing off for pamphlets? Would it be better to
recommend authorizing someone to take charge of this problem?
I really enjoyed your participation in class this semester. I
especially appreciated your tact and conscientiousness in the
workshops, as well as the good questions you asked each of the
speakers in their formal presentations. I think youre a very
strong writer and will make a very good teacher. Good luck in
the future.
137 Mary Lay, University of Minnesota
Chapter 3
The Commentary of
Mary Lay
University of Minnesota
Mary M. Lay is an Associate Professor in the Department of Rhetoric at
the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities. She wrote this chapter while Chair of
the Department of Technical Communications at Clarkson University, where
she taught technical communications for 14 years. She has three years experi-
ence as a supervising technical editor for IEEE Publications and John Wiley &
Sons, Publishers. She is co-editor with William Karis of Collaborative Writing in
Industry (Baywood 1991) and has published most recently on feminist theory
and professional communication in the Journal of Business and Technical Commu-
nication and other collections. She is in charge of training and mentoring
prospective teachers of scientific and technical communication at the Univer-
sity of Minnesota and is a past president of ATTW. With Billie Wahlstrom, she
co-edits the Technical Communication Quarterly.
138 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Letter of Application and Rsum
Description of Assignment
An unsolicited letter of application and the accompanying rsum
require solid persuasive strategies. I ask students to consider the rsum
evidence for claims made in letters. The opening of the letter generally must
provoke the readers interest, the middle of the letter stress connections be-
tween the students educational and work experience and the position sought,
and the closing of the letter request action of the reader. The rsum must be
easy to read or skim and as concrete as possible. Both letter and rsum must
be error-free, and the spacing and format of the rsum, in particular, clear and
consistent.
Explanation of Commentary
Since students often send the letters of job application they write for a
professional writing class, my comments vary with the students talent and
effort. If they submit a letter full of spelling or grammatical errors, I help them
eliminate these and hope that we can then work on content. If they produce a
polished letter without substance, my comments suggest what more they can
tell the reader about themselves. Students are usually eager to revise their
letters, whether or not the assignment requires this revision.
Robins letter is intelligent and thoughtful. Such sentences as Often
this has required one-on-one consultations where an authors cooperation
depended on how tactfully the necessary revisions were presented, while
expressed in the passive voice, convey that intelligence. Therefore, most of my
comments stress points where Robin needs more detail, and rather than editing
her sentences, I ask the questions the reader might raise and assume Robin will
answer them in a revision.
The success of the letter of job application can be measured directly by
the readers offering the writer an interview. Since Robin must convince her
reader to offer such an interview, even though the company is not presently
interviewing Technical Communications majors, it is particularly important
that she answer every possible question or objection. I ask her to do such
things as identify her major within the first paragraph and clarify whether she
wants the company to interview her on campus or invite her for a job trip. I
caution her not to make exclusive statements, such as the proper use of lan-
guage is the primary concern of a writer or editorthis company might
think that technical accuracy is the most important writing concern. Since
Robin has had an impressive internship experience, editing technical proposals,
139 Mary Lay, University of Minnesota
I suggest she describe a specific internship task that might duplicate possible
writing assignments at this company. Also, while Robin gives a clear picture of
her knowledge of the two distinct writing processes, she should research the
company so that she can link her experience and their needs. In addition,
Robin needs to close with a request for specific action.
Again, as with the letter, I mark every spacing, format, grammatical,
and stylistic problem on the rsum. In other assignments, I might indicate
only the most important areas for improvement so as not to overwhelm the
student. Since Robin will send out this rsum, I want to catch as much as
possible. Robins rsum is well planned and the information easy to find, so I
can concentrate on minor refinements. For example, I point out type inconsis-
tencies, such as her use of caps and boldface for CLARKSON RESEARCH
DIVISION but not for Niagara County Golf Course.
I also make sure the information on the rsum is useful and concrete.
If a rsum contains a job objective, that statement should give the reader
confidence that the applicant wants the position available. Robins job objec-
tive is so vague that it is of little use. Some of her descriptions of job duties,
such as worked in group situations and establishing CUSA recognition
also need clarification. Finally, I make sure that the letter and rsum are
coordinated. While Robin describes both her majors in her letter, she lists
coursework only from her Technical Communications major and Economics
concentration (minor) on her rsum.
140 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
October 1, 1990
Clarkson University
Box 8836
Potsdam, NY 13699-8836
Jill Shea
Communication Systems Division
GTE Government Systems Corporation
77 A Street
Needham Heights, MA 02194-2892
Dear Ms. Shea:
At the Clarkson Industrial Fair on September 19, Mike Langlois talked with me regarding
employment possibilities as a technical editor or writer. Although GTE will be interviewing at
Clarkson on October 11, my major was not scheduled. Therefore, I am requesting an interview.
A senior double major in Technical Communications and the Humanities, I have experience in
two distinct writing processes. My academic work and activities have involved projects from the
planning stage to publication.
The proper use of language is the primary concern of a writer or editor. My experience as a
Technical Editor for the Clarkson Research Division reinforced that concern. As indicated on
my resume, I edited professors research proposals and professional papers. Each manuscript
had to communicate effectively and appropriately, concerning a specific audience and form. My
supervisors evaluations indicated that I achieved this without compromising the authors style or
content.
As Editor of the Looking Glass literary magazine, I have learned to work within the constraints of a
manuscripts genre and an authors expectations. Often this has required one-on-one consultations
where an authors cooperation depended on how tactfully the necessary revisions were presented.
Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
Robin Maie Clark
Enclosure
what is it?
do you need to make
this
connection clear? Is
he
in the same division?
on campus?
or a job trip?
what advice
do you want?
ask for something
specific
effective
insight.
Link this with
the position there.
effective style,
Robin. You
need to be less
suggestive and
more concrete.
And you do have
room to expand
the letter.
Do more research
on this company
and job.
Really an
error-free
letter!
Such as?
Give an example
appropriate to
her
division?
only or one?
141 Mary Lay, University of Minnesota
ROBIN MAIE CLARK
Current Address: PermanentAddress:
Clarkson University 4576 Day Road
Box 8836 Lockport, NY 14094
Potsdam, NY 13699-8836 (716) 433-6264
(315) 268-4343
OBJECTIVE Employment as a (technical) editor or writer.
EDUCATION CLARKSON UNIVERSITY Potsdam, NY
Bachelor of Science
Technical Communications, Professional Concentration in Economics
Humanities
May 1991
GPA first major - 3.458/4.0; second major - 4.0/4.0; overall - 3.250/4.0.
RELEVANT Microeconomics Technical Editing
COURSES Macroeconomics Technical Journalism and Public Relations
Managerial Economics Business and Professional Speaking
History of Economic Publication Design and Desktop Publishing
Thought Mass Media
Economic Principles
RELEVANT CLARKSON RESEARCH DIVISION Potsdam, NY
EXPERIENCE Technical Writer
Fall 89 Edited and organized professors engineering proposals for industrial and government
research grants. Also edited papers submitted to professional journals.
EMPLOYMENT Advertising, East Amherst, NY
Programmed and edited electronic boards, using an IBM-PC and modem; worked
independently, opening and closing business; Summer 1989.
Niagara County Golf Course, Lockport, NY
Handled clerical work and cashiered; worked independently and in group situations;
opened and closed business; Summer 1990.
HONORS Research paper placed within top five accepted by Lambda Pi Eta for presentation at
the 1990 Speech Communication Association national convention.
Deans List: Fall & Spring 1989, Spring 1990
Whos Who
Clarkson Trustee Scholarship
ACTIVITIES The Looking Glass literary magazine
Poetry Editor: Fall 1988 & Spring 1989
Editor: Fall 1989, Fall & Spring 1990
Establishing CUSA recognition
Yearbook writer
Psychology Club
Theatre Club
International Students Organization, Conversation Partners
Speech Communication Association student member
REFERENCES Available upon request.
somewhat vague.
within industry?
any particular type?
make clear this is a double major
I see no courses from
your second major
here
see style
below
a company
name?
see style
above
bold,
caps?
will the reader know
what this means?
surely other
duties as
well
Robin a few
suggestions And make
sure your format is
consistent. Very
easy to read or skim.
specifically?
or
vague
142 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Instructions
Description of Assignment
Effective instructions must be clear, safe, and complete. Students can
create effective instructions if they actually assemble a device (for example,
using tinker toys as in this assignment) and then write instructions on how to
assemble and operate the device. Instructors who have the device parts before
them can then reassemble the device, role playing the reader or user. This is
the best way to offer students feedback. If students collaborate on the assign-
ment, as three did here, they can more easily check and double-check for
completeness.
Explanation of Commentary
Since most readers resist assembly instructions, writers must motivate
readers to read and follow the instructions step by step, ensuring the readers
cooperation in the beginning and encouraging them as they go along. The
writers, Lyle Johnson, Derick Deleo, and Mary Jo Skodzinsky, open with a
friendly caution to their readersbest results are obtained by reading
through the instructions entirely before beginning the assembly of the fan.
They are less successful in encouraging their readers at significant points in the
instructions. I suggest that a series of small diagrams and statements (such as
If you have followed steps 1 through 6 successfully, you should now see ...)
would give the reader that necessary feedback and, as a second benefit, break
up what might appear to be an overwhelming list of steps. I indicate the points
where Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo might include these statements or diagrams.
A parts list and a complete illustration of the device should appear in
the beginning of assembly instructions. I check these, again role playing the
reader, to make sure Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo use figures and expressions in
the most common way, and that their expressions are precise. For example, I
remind them that dimensions are more meaningful to the reader than subjec-
tive words such as small. Since parentheses around numbers usually indi-
cate placement on a list, rather than number of parts, they might confuse the
reader. Also, 4 five-hole wheels would be clearer than (4) five hole wheels.
Finally, their exploded diagram should help the reader check parts and envi-
sion assembly (in fact, most readers could not complete the assembly without
the diagram). A diagram of the assembled device would ensure that the reader
completes what I think is the most confusing section of the instructions,
Gravitational Motor.
143 Mary Lay, University of Minnesota
Generally in instructions, each action step should appear separately, as
one item in the list; I point out where Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo violate this
rule. They do begin each step with an action, using caps for emphasis. I have
edited some steps, such as (These become BLADE PIECES), to encourage
them to look again at style. In general, I am adding information that they may
have assumed the readers could gather on their own, so I am often role playing
the least informed reader.
Finally, writers may assume that once the device is assembled, its up
and running. Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo need to treat their operating instruc-
tions with as much care as their assembling instructions.
Because these instructions were generally well-displayed and thorough,
I could focus on my role as actual user. Whenever I felt in the least confused, I
noted this to Lyle, Derick, and Mary Jo. Had there been any danger that my
confusion would cause damage to the device or injury to myself, I would have
asked them for WARNINGS or CAUTIONS.
144 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of the WOODTECH DESKTOP
GRAVITATIONAL FAN!
The DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is designed to quietly relieve tension
and stress as well as provide a cool, relaxing breeze with desktop convenience.
Your new DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is powered naturally, by the
force of gravity, so that there are no batteries to ever be replaced, and no
annoying electrical cord to get in your way.
The DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN is as much fun to assemble as it is to
use. By carefully following these instructions, your DESKTOP
GRAVITATIONAL FAN will provide endless hours of maintainance-free
service and enjoyment.
FOR THE BEST RESULTS, WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO TAKE A FEW
MINUTES TO READ THROUGH THESE INSTRUCTIONS BEFORE
BEGINNING THE ASSEMBLY OF YOUR
DESKTOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN
friendly
opening
should motivate
reader.
145 Mary Lay, University of Minnesota
Place above the
list.
DESK TOP GRAVITATIONAL FAN
ASSEMBLY AND OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
PARTS LIST
(1) large plastic base
(2) medium plastic bases
(2) small plastic bases
(4) five hole wheels
(4) one hole wheels
(2) long sticks
(12) medium sticks
(6) short sticks
(4) triangular blades
(1) plastic cylinder
(1) plastic cap
(1) plastic washer
(1) string
BEFORE PROCEEDING WITH ASSEMBLY
MAKE SURE THAT NONE OF THE ABOVE
PARTS ARE MISSING AND REVIEW THE
SCHEMATIC TO THE RIGHT.
one word
five-hole wheels,
etc. Use hyphen
modifier
eliminate parentheses
confusing. Looks
like list numbers
give dimensions
"small"/"long"
are subjective
words
generally a
clear diagram
how about
after assembly?
do you need a
second
diagram?
146 Technical Writing: Student Samples and Teacher Responses
TOWER ASSEMBLY
1. PLACE one MEDIUM BASE face up on a level surface and INSERT the two LONG
STICKS into the holes on the two holed edge of the MEDIUM BASE.
2. INSERT two MEDIUM STICKS into the two holes in the opposite edge of the MEDIUM
BASE.
3. INSERT the other end of these MEDIUM STICKS into the two holed edge of the second
MEDIUM BASE keeping the base face up.
4. INSERT two additional MEDIUM STICKS into the empty two holed side of the second
MEDIUM BASE.
5. INSERT the other end of these MEDIUM STICKS into the edge of one of the SMALL
BASES keeping the base face up.
6. INSERT two additional MEDIUM STICKS into the opposite edge of the SMALL BASE
and then ATTACH the last SMALL BASE as in STEP 5.
7. INSERT one SHORT STICK into the center hole on the face of the last SMALL BASE.
8. SLIP a FIVE HOLE WHEEL through the center hole onto the SMALL STICK and PLACE
the PLASTIC CAP on the end of the SHORT STICK.
9. PLACE the LARGE BASE face up on a level surface. This base has been fitted with two
rows of eight holes each and a center row of seven holes. From either narrow end, locate
the second and third holes of an eight-hole row. CAREFULLY INSERT the LONG
STICKS of the TOWER ASSEMBLY into these holes.
10. INSERT one MEDIUM STICK into each of the first and last holes of both of the eight
holesides of the LARGE BASE.
FAN ASSEMBLY
1. INSERT (1) TRIANGULAR BLADEs short side into the slot at one end of each of four
SHORT STICKS. (BLADE PIECES)
2. INSERT the BLADE PIECES into the curved-sided holes of a ONE HOLE WHEEL so that
opposing blade pieces are vertically opposite and the slanted edges all slant in the same
manner. (FAN)
3. SLIP the PLASTIC WASHER onto the end of the remaining SHORT STICK leaving about
1/4 inch of the sticks end exposed. (AXLE)
4. INSERT the washer end of the AXLE into the center hole of the FAN.
5. SLIP the AXLE through the center hole of the PLASTIC CYLINDER.
6. SLIP one end of the STRING into the slot of the exposed end of the AXLE.
7. INSERT the string end of the AXLE into the center hole of a ONE HOLE WHEEL.
stop here and explain what it
should look
like
give
small
diagram.
divide
sentence here
one action
per sentence.