A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door....

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving license."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer
opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of
my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you he's lying by telling you I was speeding, too!"

If the Titanic was made in India:

1. There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
2. There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the rain.
3. By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
4. It's seven and half-hours long.
5. The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
6. Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman
Khan.
7. The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.

8. They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.

9. Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think about it.

10. The movie can also be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"

11.The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the

hero a lesson.

12.None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees.

13. Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC.

AND

Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!

PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold water for
days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of water.
There was this boy who went outside to play everyday.
One day, he met a man who was selling some things on a
cart around the neighborhood. The little boy came up to
him and asked, "Can I have some grapes?" The man responded,
"No sorry, son. I do not have grapes." So, the little boy left.
The next day, the little boy saw the man again and came up
to him to ask, "May I have some grapes?" The man responded,
"No sorry. I do not sell grapes, remember yesterday?" So the little boy left.
The next day, the little boy saw the man again and he came to the
man and asked, "Do you have any grapes?" Then the man screamed,
"NO I DO NOT! NOW ONE MORE TIME YOU ASK ME THAT, I WILL STAPLE
YOUR MOUTH!"
The boy just stood there. Then the boy asked the man, "Do you have
a stapler?" And the man, angry with this boy asking him questions,
said "No, I DON'T!" The boy said, "Oh......can I have some grapes?"

Once a smart Sales Executive and His Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train.

Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.

With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our S/W engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping.

Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is?

He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine;

she immediately slapped that guy."

Manager thought that,

"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl!

But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me,

but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever Sales Executive thought?

" This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because,

at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my Boss ."

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from
her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know
what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box
of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package
overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and
touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was
to be a Shakespearean Play.

The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your
soul with hope".

The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous,
knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them
to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain
goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled
out those unforgettable words............

"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!.. and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse sh*t,
cow sh*t, bull sh*t....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs.

The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes.

He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

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Son : "Get your a** out of bed and fix that kid some ice cream."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go
out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing
it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-
pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be
very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers
to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his
head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I
had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist."

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our communication - Wireless

Our dress - Topless

Our telephone - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our youth - Jobless

Our food - Fatless

Our labour - Effortless

Our conduct - Worthless

Our relation - Loveless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Valueless

Our follies - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our Job - Thankless

Our Salary - Very Very less Our emails – useless

• George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk
he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks
him what his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And
third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right ---
question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him
what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell
go
20 minutes early?
And fifth, where is Bob?"

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and
the following conversation ensues:

Lady: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Lady: "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful
mink coat, It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

Man: "What's the price?"

Lady: "Only $1,500.00"

Man: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much, "

Lady: "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a
really good price , and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last
year, "
Man: "What price did he quote you?"

Lady: "Only $60,000, "

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Lady: "Great! Before we hang up, something else, "

Man: "What?"

Lady: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and, I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beachfront property, "

Man: "How much are they asking?"

Lady: "Only $450,000, a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in
the bank to cover, "

Man: "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

Lady: "OK, sweetie, Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

Man: "Bye, I do too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the
phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"