Single Parenting Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine | October 17, 2011 5:00 am
Parenting is a tough job, but single parenting is an even tougher challenge, as one parent tries to fulfill the roles of both a mother and a father to their child. Single parenting is highly demanding physically, emotionally and financially. There can be numerous reasons and circumstances for single parenting, such as divorce, a spouse working abroad, a child born out of wedlock, or even the illness or death of a parent. Sadly, the Muslim community often alienates and ostracizes single parents and is often selective regarding which single parent deserves compassion, based on the reasons they are single. A judgmental attitude does not help encourage single parents to be the best parents possible to their child(ren). Compassion and support from the community is necessary to help single parents on their challenging journey. This article seeks to offer constructive support to single parents as they seek to raise their children, inshaAllah. Numerous examples exist in the Islamic tradition of single parents who successfully raised children to become strong individuals. These individuals then left a legacy for humanity which shines more brightly, specifically because of being raised by single parents. Hajar, the mother of Prophet Ismail (pbuh), Maryam, the mother of Prophet Isa (pbuh), and Amina, the mother of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), all raised their sons alone due to different circumstances. They all put their trust in Allah and worked hard to be the best parents they could be to their children. Also, the mothers of Imam al-Shafi, Imam Ahmed and Imam Bukhari raised their sons alone, all of whom later became renowned figures that left a major impact on the world. The reality is that 2
single Muslim parents do exist today. They need support as they strive to raise resilient Muslim children for the future. Children raised by single parents thrive in homes where there is stability, safety, love, and consistency. A single parent that is committed to providing loving discipline will create an environment for the child to truly flourish. Raising secure and successful children requires single parents to confidently implement the following parenting skills. Discipline Sometimes single parents may feel guilty or overwhelmed by their parenting duties, so they resort to weak enforcement or bending of rules in order to make their child happy and reduce potential conflict. Some parents may compensate for the absence of the other parent by being permissive in their parenting style. Single parents must be careful to not allow children to dismiss rules set by the parent or to become their friends. Setting boundaries for children creates much needed structure in all households (single and dual) because children want to know that their parent has rules and has set limits and expectations. Boundaries also create a sense of safety for a child because the roles of the parent and child have been clearly established. Parental limits teach the child to respect the parent and solidify their role in the family. Consistency Children dealing with a divorce or a death will crave stability as they adjust to their new life with one parent. Establishing routines, schedules and traditions are important for children when adjusting to a new family dynamic. A child wants to know what to expect and look forward to on a daily basis. Consistency in everyday routines gives the child(ren) a feeling of security and stability. Focusing on creating morning routines, weekly schedules and dinners together are small ways that single parents can create constancy for their child. Availability by the parent in terms of attention and physical presence will assure the child(ren) a sense of belonging. Also, creating new traditions and memories during holidays and special occasions reaffirms the new family identity. Emotional Support Single parents and their children may struggle with various feelings and emotions surrounding their new family structure. The parent and child may struggle with changes and upheavals in their life, and may share with one another the challenges of the new family structure. Parents need to listen and truly hear their child(ren) when they share their thoughts and feelings. Parents must not make disparaging comments about the other parent as a means to gain the sympathy of the child(ren). Despite common stress, parents must not turn to their child for emotional support nor burden them with the personal struggles they encounter. Parents must turn to their social circles and confide in other adults and friends only. Confiding worries or complaining to a child is inappropriate, regardless of the level of maturity of the child. It is extremely detrimental to children to absorb the thoughts and feelings of their parents. Children need to remain children and should not become a friend or therapist to the parent. Parents who feel stressed, 3
depressed, anxious or lonely, should seek professional guidance or support from other adults as they adjust to single parenthood. It takes a Village Single parents will need help and support with the endless tasks and responsibilities of raising the child(ren) . This requires being comfortable asking for help from family and friends. Seeking support with childcare, such as carpooling, help in case of emergencies, or schedule conflicts at work, will benefit single parents when they are stretched in multiple directions. Creating a teamwork environment at home where the child(ren) have chores and responsibilities is also important so that the child(ren) understand their role in the family and feel like capable contributors. Take Care of Yourself Single parents work hard to care and provide for their children; many times, they neglect themselves or may feel guilty taking time away from their children. However, it is necessary for parents to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Giving without replenishing will limit a parents ability to be their best. Scheduling time for hobbies and enjoyable activities like reading, watching a movie, having coffee with a friend, etc. are ways parents can find personal fulfillment. Creating time to exercise, eat properly and focusing on prayer and reconnection to Allah will help with managing stress and living a more balanced life. Developing a social network of close friends or other single parents will also empower parents so they do not feel alone in their journey. Strong support systems can enable single parents to share and feel accepted by other adults who understand their context. Ultimately the child(ren)s emotional well-being hinges on the parents healthy and balanced lifestyle. Single Muslim parents who have a positive attitude and express resiliency will model strong character to their children. Single parents must be kind to themselves and focus on doing their best. They will not be perfect nor will they be able to fill the shoes of the second parent. Being the best parent is being present and connected with your child(ren) in a manner that is loving and encouraging every day. These are the most important things you can do as a parent, single or otherwise. Tags: Children, Islam, Muslims, Parent, Single parenting Tweet This Share on Facebook Digg This Save to delicious Stumble it RSS Feed 61 Comments 4
1. hazim says: October 17, 2011 at 6:54 am assalamualaikum , just wanna ask , why we cant make our child as our friend ? do they later will unrespect us or by doing that have any explaination for that ? Reply o Kirana says: January 14, 2013 at 1:07 am I guess because the child needs a parent first. Reply 2. Jamila says: October 17, 2011 at 10:08 am Salaams, I am a single parent mother of two children and I am Muslim. The reason for being a single parent is due to my divorce. I have basically withdrawn myself from the Muslim community because there is no support for me there as a single parent. And it seems as though the women I try to befriend are all afraid their husbands are going to want to add me as a second wife. I just dont get it. I truly love and admire the religion of Islam but its followers are another thing. I have found that solitude is my only desirable place within any Islamic community at this point. Thank you for this article. I agree 100%. MA Reply o abdullah hakeem says: October 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm asa, the social circles are really bad in the muslim community. it seems that everyone is agoraphobic at the moment. its sad to hear of your plight sister but i do think that the ummah has become really unsociable and the boring mosques 5
dont cater to anyone except those who fund it and the oldies in the committies. may Allah make you his freind ameen Reply o Mike says: October 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm Try making friends in the Arab Muslim community; especially Egyptian community. They have no problems with it; they might even add you as a second wife. South Asians do have problem with single parents whether due to divorce, out of wedlock, or even widow who doesnt get married again within a year or two if she under 50. I cant tell you why but it is. Arabs are much free in that regard. I read about a two Arab best friends and when his friend Dad died; hes says dont worry Ill marry your Mom. Thats little too much for me But whatever is halal I make no judgements. Reply o Taimur Ijlal says: October 18, 2011 at 4:07 am Dear Sister, May Allah (SWT) reward you for your patience and grant you good companionship from the muslim community. Reply o umm alif says: March 15, 2013 at 10:31 pm I could only find the emotional support through qiyamul lail or nafl salah. The more the better. I prefer to contribute more in the Islamic community, but not seeking advice. I normally find a clue to opening the door of my misery by participating in their activities. May Allah swt always guide you sister. Reply 6
o MN says: July 23, 2013 at 12:01 pm You dont want to be a second wife. You need someone who is there for you as a full husband, not half a husband. First you want to focus on your child and you. Friends can be of all backgrounds, they dont have to be Muslim. And if you are seeing a gap in something, fill it somehow. Maybe you should be the one starting a new halaqa or a group and invite people to it. Ive been to the same mosque for two Ramadans now and only was able to have a 5 min conversation with a sister, otherwise everyone keeps to themselves. There must be at all Muslim communities, a welcoming committee that welcomes new people and introduces them to others. What a shame. Keep the faith. Were all fighting the lonely battle. Its no fun. Take it day by day. Workout, visit a new park, start a blog, pray, keep going to the mosque as often as you can. It will hopefully become familiar and comfortable to you. Inshallah. Love, MN. Reply o naqeebulla says: October 19, 2013 at 6:12 am hi i am naqeeb from bangalore single i am doing aadhar card buisness i am project manger i am searching for friends and if she intrested i will date with him if you intrested mail naqeebulla@gmail.com or add me in yahoo naqeeb_jaan@ymail.com or mesage me 9036871416 if u intrested another wise u can share if u any contacts in bangalore who want date with me thanks Reply o Salar says: May 4, 2014 at 6:53 am Assalaam Jamilaji,. Can I have your contact??.. Im looking for a single mother to marry.. Reply 3. Rashaan Muhammad says: 7
October 17, 2011 at 10:18 am An excellent article, Sister Munira. I happen to be from a poor, single parent household and the very things you mentioned were employed by my mother, and, sadly, her mother before her as well. Im afraid I dont understand the stigma and the prejudice of many Muslims concerning single parent households or people from single parent households, especially since some of the pillars within our tradition, including some of the Prophets themselves (peace be upon them), come from less than ideal family situations. What is the source of this prejudice? Im a convert from an area where unfortunately most people hail from single parent households (or even worse) and growing up I thought these family scenarios were rather normal. (Given the divorce rate, I wasnt too far off, among other things). At the very least, I didnt judge anyone for not being from a good family, whatever that means. As someone who comes from this background, I find it difficult to interact with Muslims who hold these negative perceptions of this unfortunate reality. Any tips on how to shed some light about this situation? JazakAllah Kheir! Reply 4. Safura says: October 17, 2011 at 10:52 am We need more articles like this especially since increasingly mothers are finding themselves as single parents for some period of time. It seems our communities expect us to either remain in bad marriages, marry lesser desirable men because we already have children or become nuns!!! May Allah strengthen all of he single moms out there, and grant u ur knight in shining armor one day too! Ameen. Reply o alisha says: October 18, 2011 at 5:50 am well said.allah gave us a choice and choosing to leave a bad marriage is something that benefits both parent and child(ren).. Reply 8
5. Yasmin says: October 17, 2011 at 11:14 am Jazakallah khair for this very important and insightful post! I also feel that the Muslim community is not doing enough to address the issue of single parenting. Reply 6. Yunus says: October 17, 2011 at 8:34 pm JazakAllah. This was a helpful article. As a Muslim single father, I feel exceptionally isolated. Allah chose to have me convert after having a child and the best response is alhamdulillah. I assume when most people conceptualize single parents, they often think of single mothers. I dont know how many others like me (single dads) exist, but its at least good to know that us single parents are being thought about. May Allah reward you for your time and thoughtfulness. Reply o Yusuf says: October 20, 2011 at 10:51 am Im certainly glad this topic has actually addressed. I am a single Muslim father and Im struggling so much right now. Ive turned almost entirely to my Muslim community and theyve helped me deal with a lot of my stress, but Im waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Finding other single Muslim fathers is tough since its so rare. Reply Muhiba says: August 27, 2013 at 12:43 am Salam to all 9
I too have experienced the great hardship of being a single muslim mother due to divorce, and have found very little support within my muslim community. As an educated and working mother, I have little time to take on thinking of how to find a kind and suitable practicing muslim man. Since Allah swt created men and women to be together, to me it feels more as a obligation to find the right, pious muslim to satisfy Allahs requirement. Sadly these days, people have hard time recomending people to others. So, what is there left to do? I would love to see a group of pious single muslim parents (men and women) get together in a local mosque (perhaps a conference room or like) and engage into islamic activities like reading Kuran and other islamic topics, as well as discuss the joy or challenges of single parenting. That way we may all find a right partner and I do not think that that would be anything wrong as long as there are multiple men and women at all meetings. We could bring our children with us, share a simple potluck and everyone may have something good to share to help each other on this not-so-easy journey. May Allah swt grant us all patience, good judgment and trust in Him. Amin Reply 7. Uzzma says: October 18, 2011 at 4:35 am thankx alot for letting us know with these important issues in religion. i like da part Islam is not a state of being but it is a process of becoming.. i appreciate the way u answer, very motivating nd convincing.excellent article. good work. Reply 8. M.B says: October 18, 2011 at 5:07 am I love how you addressed the issue of how people are selective with which single parent deserves compassion. Whatever the reason is for their single parenthood, they deserve compassion as human beings striving to do the right thing and raise their family. jazakallah khair for writing this article! Reply 10
9. alisha says: October 18, 2011 at 5:46 am ameen well said. may ALLAH give us single parents the guidance we need and the sabr to grow our children in the most Islamic way possible.. Reply 10. N. says: October 18, 2011 at 12:34 pm very good read and topic. Jazakum Allahu khairan. Im divorced and mostly raising my children on my own. Big however I have some issues with the term single parent, especially as it applies to me. Because 1) I was not single when I became a mom, and certainly did not become a mom on my own, and 2) even if their parents divorced, my kids still have a dad. The term single parent seems to negate that. Alhamdulillah, despite a very ugly divorce process at the time I give him credit where due: he pays child support, he spends time with them on the weekends, and is still a caring presence in their lives. No matter what, he is their father. Even in the case of those dead-beat dads or a deceased father in terms of our kids sense of dignity and belonging, ties of kinship, etc. they need to feel from us that yes, they have a lineage through their father as much as kinship through their mom. Finally, I feel the term kind of puts me in an identity ghetto of being alone. So while the term is apt because how it describes the situation of parenting on its own it has some negative connotations for me. By the way this is not a criticism of the article and obviously single parent is the popular term used to describe this situation and the author is justified in using it. I hope there is no need to defend the author, because again I am not criticizing the use of the term. Merely sharing some of the negative meanings that term has for me. Hopefully this adds another dimension to the discussion. 11
Reply 11. Kareema says: October 18, 2011 at 6:50 pm Great article. I definitely relate to this situation, as I am a single mother to my 4 yr old daughter. I have a few challenges. One is being a fairly recent convert to Islam, and working to transition my daughter from celebrating the pagan holidays the rest of my family still observes, into our Muslim holidays. Its been really important to me to try to create a support system for ourselves, with other Muslims who can be there for us and offer advice. But I had my daughter outside of marriage, years before I converted to Islam, and I feel like I am judged for it. I find myself having to explain my daughter, which I resent having to do. The way I put it is that she is the best part of my old life =). But I do not feel as welcomed by my new community as I would have hoped. InshaAllah, we will get all the strength and guidance we need. Reply o seema says: October 20, 2011 at 7:35 pm Sr. Kareema You are only answerable to Allah; I know it is hard, when one has to survive in the community, to answer their unreasonable and intrusive questions, but part of being a muslim is NOT to ask personal questions. I have now started staying away from them and only dealing with people who do not judge me (I am divorced, no kids, but am still kept away by other south Asian wives who see me as a threat to their marriages when I would not want their husbands even if they were offerred to me!). So trust me, kids or no kids, women treat women poorly because of their cultural baggages, and not bec of Islam. try to find your own comfort zone with/out them Reply Kareema says: October 23, 2011 at 7:09 pm Sr. Seema, thank you for your encouraging words and support. =) 12
Reply 12. Muslim says: October 18, 2011 at 10:33 pm As-salaam Alaikum, Thanks for raising an important issue in our society. Single Parenting could be really challenging sometimes. May Allah guide the single parents to raise their child in Islamic way. Also in Islam, it is encouraged to get married if possible as in save a person from indulging in sin. As an Ummah we should show compassion towards single parents. However the only point which as a Ummah that we should discourage is supporting a culture where a child born out of wedlock becomes normal. The only way to prevent and discourage this sin, is to have fear of Allah. May Allah SWT make us follow His path, and keep us from compromising our religion. Reply o Mike says: October 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm Ur lucky ur not a woman Its stupid really, that Muslim women dont help other Muslim women; worried about spouse stealing etc. As a Muslim man I cant really help a Muslim women because she or society will think I have some ulterior motive and generally its advisable to maintain distance from unmarried women. Reply 13. abdullah hakeem carter says: October 20, 2011 at 4:12 pm salaam, this all shows the great need for communities to rediscover themselves and re- learn what the term ummah means. the stories about the early migrants to medina would and should be enough for people to open their doors and forget the crude manner by which this cynical world looks at situations. Im irish, and the only way is open that 13
bloody door and leave it open (this is the time to act out our islam and without doing so our time in this world has truly been wasted) peace Reply 14. Fatimah says: October 28, 2011 at 11:20 am Being a converted muslim single mom and raising my daughter in Islam alone, I would appreciate the single moms group at MCA meeting at the mosque. Currently the group meets at a private home, but this makes me feel that Im hidden. I am single due to divorce and this life transition has been so difficult that Im surprised the mosque has so few accessible resources to address this all-too-common pain. I have found ummah tends to be rather harsh and judgmental so its best to be persistent (have a thick skin) and find those true sisters who will support and encourage you in the truth & straight path, inshallah. As several brothers & sisters have said, we always have Allah and the teachings of the Prophet, peace & blessing be upon him. Recently a Turkish friend told me, Why go to the mosque? Your home is a mosque! Our family & muslim friends in our home are our congregation! Thanks be to Allah for Sister Muniras work. I hope I get to meet the very single parents who have responded so warmly to this Sisters article. Why not get creative and arrange a singles event just for single parents (or would the 100 women outnumber the 2 menha ha)? Marriage is a fulfillment of our deen, and why should we not have a second chance? Allah SWT forgives us daily for our sins. Arrahmanir Rahim. ameen Reply o Muhiba says: August 27, 2013 at 12:57 am I too posted similar article before I saw yours. I do agree; since Allah swt advises man and a woman be united, why cant we have a group meeting in a local mosque(s) where single muslim mothers and fathers can get together through prayers, Kuran study, tips and recomendations on education, parenting, education, job search etc. while our kids too can be in the same room with us and everyone can bring a dish to share. Its not like a one man and one woman are left in a room on their own (whether be muslim or any other religion). Any single muslim women and men in Seattle area We can find a way to meet, 14
even if that be a library (they do offer free conference/rooms for community needs). Whats wrong with that? Reply 15. Soraiya says: November 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm AA I came across this article by chance and it makes me happy to know that I am not alone. I am in a difficult situation and would greatly appreciate some advice. My marriage broke down while I was pregnant. My ex husband is pakistani and we lived alone for the majority of the marriage. He was very nice during the engagement but he changed when we married. His family were very good to me while we were married. My ex husband was very forceful and I left while I was pregnant. When I left I was three months pregnant. I rang his family a couple of times but they didnt really want to speak to me. My exhusband contacted me once when i was 6 months pregnant but I was very distressed and would not speak with him. Neither him or his family ever contacted me again. My son is now nearly three years old. I have sent many emails to my exhusband with photos of his son and asking that he meet him but he never ever replied. I made a csa claim but he never paid at all and there are huge arrears. I spoke with his father a while ago and he just said that I was like his daughter but he didnt mention his grandson or ask to see us. I feel so lost and for some reason I just cant let go of the fact that he wont ever meet his son. He and his family are practising muslims. I still email him asking him to see his son but he never replied. Should I ring his parents again? Its so hurtful that they and he act as though we dont exist and even if they would just tell me to get lost I would at least know. Should I ring him? My dad says I need to let go and forget it but for some reason I cant. My son is so beautiful and I am so happy to be a mother but I dont know what to do about this situation. Reply 16. Soraiya says: November 19, 2011 at 2:56 pm 15
In relation to the article- I live alone with my son and am working and studying to support us. I live in an area where there are many muslims. I see my muslim neighbours everyday and they tend to keep their distance, my immediate neighbours dont speak to me at all. Although I feel very alone I also think that the keep their distance because a single parent is something that is feared. I represent what the women who live around me would never want to be and to some extent I can understand that they do not want to speak to me much because my situation is so controversial to them. Although it would be very nice to have some friends around here I think we are all guilty of shying away from things that we dont understand and I dont begrudge them for not talking to me. Although saying that a Good Morning wouldnt hurt!! Additionally, I do not know any other muslim single mothers and wish I could have a friend or two in a similar situation to me. I have searched around on the internet for forums but havent found anything. Reply o haleema says: December 20, 2011 at 10:16 pm Asalaamu Alaikum Soraiya, Where do you live? Please email me. I am a single muslim mother looking for other sisters in a similar situation. Reply Soraiya says: December 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm ws Halima Thank you for your reply!! How would I get your email adress? I am in London. Regards Reply 16
Jumana says: March 9, 2012 at 2:04 am ASA, I am also a single mother searching for some contact or ladies who are in a similar situation. Wa salam Farah says: June 19, 2013 at 4:13 pm I know its been sometime since this post but I would also love to have some Muslim single parent friends as Im in the same boat! My email add is farahcat45@hotmail.com o summaya says: February 3, 2013 at 4:38 am asalaamualykum sister, its been one and a half years since my divorce now and i still havent found any other single muslims (mum)friends.i can relate to how difficult it is ,and its a mystry as to why. im studying and working too and it can be hard to find time to socialise.I think a reason maybe due to not telling people im a single parent ,im not ashamed or anything of that sort but i dont like the numerous questions that follow. A lot of sisters on here have spoken about creating a group at mosque for lone parents to talk etc,i think that would be great if there were any but here in birmingham there arent any.I might consider starting one.see what happens. Reply o aiesha says: October 11, 2013 at 12:28 pm 17
salaam, I am a new convert thinking about my future in Islam and the future of my children. I came from a very abusive household and bullied at school also so it was a constant stream of violence and bullying till I was 18 so by the time I started dating anyone saying I love you well you can guess, I have now got three children by three fathers who obviously dont want to know except one who is non Muslim and a drinker who I dont see he lives quite far away but keeps in touch by phone. I love my kids and instead of crumbling I remain strong. and now I have Allah I feel invincible even though I still get days of loneliness and I know what you mean about people and society cutting you of. even though I am a single parent I am a woman and one day I would actually like to be asked to marry one day not just for me but to have a real male pious role model. now I know that this may well most likely wont happen but I sometimes feel like on the day of judgement I will be standing there not as a Muslim but a failure even though my kids are amazing wonderful a tad spoiled human beings who while I was writing this were washing up for me because they could see I was tired after a very long week. even though I am a single mom I dont fall into what you would call the stereotypes I love Allah with all my heart and so now try to live according to what he wants even though thats easier said than done and even before I converted I didnt drink I did smoke cigarettes (outside of the house) because of the stress but now I have Allah I stopped and I turn to him instead. will any Muslim brother ever think of me as there future wife lol im laughing because its so unlikely its actually funny. Reply 17. sabina says: December 18, 2011 at 8:23 am Assalamualaikum to all my brothers & sisters.I am humbled to see all of you so strong & resilient.Myself being a single parent with 2 daughters and a son,its maddening at times.When i am able to balance the financial part I lag behind in some other area.And then those huge shining tears in my childrens eyes when they hungrily look at other fathers hugging their kidsthere are good days too when my kids sense my sadness & say that they dont miss their dad what with such a wonderful mother!They r aware that he has married and moved on.Still they miss him.May ALMIGHTY ALLAH give us all the strenght and patience to be strong in our deen & to be good parents.Ameen. Reply o Muhiba says: August 27, 2013 at 12:59 am 18
Love to you Sabina from a muslim sister in Seattle I hear you Reply 18. F says: January 13, 2012 at 10:03 pm Assalam o Alaikum, reading all these comments just make me want to express how I feel. I am living alone with my two kids for almost 2 yrs. My husband due to his job and his family decided to move back home. I was left here with two kids to take care of. I live in a community full of very practising Muslims but everyone seems to be so busy that they have no idea what goes on next door. I work full time and have to struggle between my job, kids, chores, grocery etc. There are times when I dont have the time to cook at all and my kids are waiting at home alone for me to come back to feed them. I always wonder none of these nice muslim friends ever extend any help. Instead I had a Hindu neighbor who sent me food on few different occasions. I have always tried to help in the community in any way I can and Alhamdolilah it was only to please Allah. I have learned to live all alone without anyones help or support. I get everything I need from Almihty Allah. I just ask Allah for all the help and his mercy and I have been very lucky with that. I have no social life at all but I feel I dont need such friends that are only friends when there is a party at my place and the rest of the year I never hear from them. Some of them pass by my house but never stopped to ask my kids if they needed anything at all. Alhamdililah, Alhamdoliah Allah has put me in a position where I dont beg anyone for anything at all. I have been trying to manage everything myself by the blessings of Allah. To all my sisters who are single parent please find your strength in Allah and Allah only. He is the only one who can provide. No one else can. Wassaalam sister F in North America Reply 19. muslimah says: January 22, 2012 at 8:08 am I am a single mother, I have two boys, and they are my miracle from God, a gift from Allah. I want to say to all the single mothers in our muslim community not to worry or stress out being a single mother, just all you have to do is to be a good parent and seek Allahs help to guide u and your children for sure Allah is the best provider. say Alxamdulilah for having children because only Allah can give children and dont forget only Allah can help u raise your children no one else, I am proud to be a mother to my sons and belief that Allah made me single mother to be safe and live harmonny with my 19
boys. so be thankfull to Allah and seek his help to be a good parents insha Allah everything will workout Reply 20. Sister M in Indonesia says: February 4, 2012 at 10:37 am I only want to say thank you for this article. I read all the comments and some of them really make me sad. I also a single parent for more than 10 years. I have 3 children. I also experienced all the things that a single mother has to face (especially in muslim communities)so I can understand completely the issues mentioned in the article and comments. Im still young now, but my oldest son is already in college and he is my best friend in the world. My doughter, and my youngest son, they are also my best friends (the youngest son is already 13). They are bright, kind-hearted and always been helpful to me. With all the troubles I have to face, I enjoy my life with them. For all single parents here, I believe Allah will give you your rewards, in this dunyaa and in the akhirah, InsyaAllah. Reply 21. Jumana says: March 8, 2012 at 5:00 am ASA, it made me almost crying to read all the stories here. And they are all so similar to mine. I am a single mother of a two years old kid. We should support each other although living in different countries, we could at least do it by email or so. I would love to be in contact with somebody of you guys. The feeling of being guilty and the loneliness sometimes make me mad. Reply o hammour says: August 27, 2012 at 10:40 am asalamu alaykum sister amsigle father ihave one boy 10 yers old dessable amloken after hem because he lost his mums 3yers gow und am loockeng for 20
singles mother whit one kids und ichalaah am happy togo haad inchallah wa salaamu alaykum Reply 22. Yasmeen A says: May 7, 2012 at 4:12 pm Thank you for this article, the stigma has to stop! I have been a single parent for under a year and already the stress is beginning to wear on me and the friends who were quick to support in the beginning are pulling away with their own busy lives and it gets quite lonely at times. I wish there were support groups through the masjid, or at least online. It was refreshing to even just read the comments and realize there are others out there! Reply 23. Scara Dommallo says: May 8, 2012 at 11:59 am Thank you for this lovely article it was very splendid Reply 24. MN says: July 5, 2012 at 9:15 pm To parent and raise a child alone well it sucks. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Their dad is involved but i do most of the work. Grocery, errands, entertainment, stopping fights a 24 hr job. My patience runs thin and i feel i am so behind in teaching them things esp abt the faith. I dont like ppl seeing me as a bird with a broken wing. They see me as incomplete and more of a burden to get to know when infact, in the U.S its not a big deal. I dont like that i am a statistic. I dont mind being on my own even though it was not my choice. I was in it for life! What really really sucks? The income downgrade. I was a professional then a stay home parent. I was destroyed financially. I couldnt even get a credit card. Im poor, i work part- time and cant have any savings. A vacation is a fantasy. What else? Its very very lonely. Thats the hardest part. Not having another grown up around to support you. I would love 21
to have a regular gathering, but even that has been hard. I dont get invited to places bc well, i dont have a husband that their husbands can get to know. I dont think anyone thinks i would steal their spouse bc trust me Ive seen the guys, not interested. I would love to meet a normal moderate muslim who knows islam but can also go see a movie. That is the challenge. I know other women have it worse. Or they r dealing with the death of a spouse. My kids still see their dad and love him to death. I made sure of that. No matter where you are as a Muslim parent, from U.S. to Indonesia to England, i hope you know you are strong and certainly not alone. Ive given ip on the community for most part and do things alone. I had to realize that . Its ok. Its hard but it is what it is. Maybe a diff community would be bettet. I dont have all the resources but IM STILL STANDING! God bless you all Reply 25. maida says: July 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm Assalaamu Alaikum Its really hard being a single mom. I have been throught a divorce and I have two girls. I presently live with my mom in one room with my kids. there is no breathing space. I do have a job but cannot afford a rent with my salary. I got an offer after my divorce , thinking that this person would assist me financially, but this was not so. He want me only to satisfy his carnal desires and often got angry when I spend time with my kids. So he ask for divorce. Most men in my country are like this to us single moms, they just want to use us, even the muslim brothers. I dont know where and how else to turn. I desperately need a home for me and my kids, I cannot get a loan because my salary is too low for the amount that would be required for a home Im so depressed.why do we muslim women have to give our bodies in exchange for basic necessities. this may also mean neglecting your kids to fulfil the mans desires. I make dua everyday, so too does my kids.but we are losing hope need some guidance . khuda hafiz. Reply o deja says: July 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm Salaam maida, 22
Your story brought me to tears. Being a single mother myself for five year, with also 2 girls, i really understand your situation. Dont lose hope. Never stop making dua to Allah every single day. Have faith in Allah always.Always be positive. The time will come when you & your kids will live in your own home. May Allah grant us patience and strength. Reply o mn says: March 17, 2013 at 9:07 am One has to take it day by day sometimes Maida. Sometimes, it is hard for me to breathe also. Its claustrophobic. But realize you are still a full individual and find what you have to do to get yourself through the moments of depression. Locally, find a gym and go workout, exercise is great for the mental health. Your mental health is imp. Sign up for something, they also do membership based on income so ask around. Watch movies, pray, whatever it takes to get over that hump. Go to your local library and spend time there. Just dont give up hope. And personally, dont wait for a man. You are strong and you can do it. I hope this helps you and not offends you. Reply 26. jasmine says: September 13, 2012 at 4:49 am welcome to the secret world of todays modern muslim muslimahs. why am i single? i am single because i was promised marriage and a last name but once the baby happened he ran away with his tail between his legs. i was not born into islam, i am a convert. his family knows about him and yet has never met him. we will not marry due to his violent behavior. i know i was wrong but at least im facing the concequences rather than running away. my only thought is that i wish the babys father wasnt so violent, then we could be together. the islamic community wants nothing to do with me, and hope to find a good musim brother is dwindling. inshaAllah all will work out fine.. i just feel so alone. right now i am working at mcdonalds sleeping on my moms couch trying to find an apartment and get a car. life sucks. Reply 27. annusha says: 23
December 10, 2012 at 10:16 pm Hey Everyone, I am a 31 year old widow with a 4-year old daughter. My husband, an angel, expired just two months ago. I am gathering all courage to raise my child as single parent. People are discouraging me and undermining my will by showing me scenarios of single parent. But, remarrying anyone means doing injustice for my child. It is not my will to find a person and impose a father on my little girl. I want to be her sole friend and share her happiness and sorrows with me. Do you think it is more advisable to live single or is it difficult. Reply o Binaahmad says: January 15, 2013 at 11:55 am Hold firm my love people are horrible but be strong and contact me if you would like a friend or just someone to listen. If you feel like you can alone and protect your self from sin and provide for her then why not ? But know there is no sin in marrying again Reply 28. UmmuMuhammad says: January 12, 2013 at 11:22 pm well said through & through (in regards to the article & comments),Parents can be parents and friends at the same time with their children, i am living proof as my mother is my bestest friend! Reply 29. Misbah says: March 15, 2013 at 7:24 am Asalaamualaikum, wonderful article mashallah. To any single mums out there, we have an amazing support group on Facebook called single Muslim mums, there is both a page 24
and group. Inshaallah we aim to create a charity too for single Muslim mums. Please check us out and spread the word. Reply 30. Noha says: July 22, 2013 at 2:20 pm Asa, Im a single mum. I work full time and I do not receive any child support. My dad and my sister have moved 9n with me 2 yrs ago. Im the only one working in the home. I have a special needs child, and Im considering moving out by myself simply because I can no longer afford supporting my father and sister. Im not sure if by doing this Ill be committing a sin. My sister has not been able to find a job and my father has put me in a situation where I cant tell him to go back home (he has a pension there and an apartment). Im really not sure what to do. The burden is huge and I can no longer afford it anymore. Any advise would be appreciated Reply 31. aiesha says: October 11, 2013 at 12:54 pm salaam ask them for help there is always a solution Allah made it so, cherish your family who love you and show it by being there with you and your child, keep them close as close as you can because if they were not there you would soon know believe me. your situation now is well it needs tweaking a bit but your situation is somebodys dream I mean having family around them dont worry sister Allah will show you the way.:) Reply 32. Mn says: November 15, 2013 at 4:16 pm Its Friday night. Im not going anywhere just hanging out with my kids and just want you all to know you are not alone. Im thinking of you guys! Reply 25
33. francoise says: April 21, 2014 at 4:22 pm I really enjoyed this article. Im a convert that is a single mom of an autistic child ( and Im single due to divorce). I feel the same way pretty much alone, because in the muslim community there is not much support and it gets worst when you have a special needs child. May Allah grant us all peace. Reply 34. Sharifa says: May 14, 2014 at 6:36 am I love this article and all the comments made me weep Im a new mother and have just separated from my husband I dont see him coming to take me back we are both very stubborn but still wants to see my child which is really hard for me as I really dont want my child to come from a broken family it will be hard for them going from parent to parent im scared it will mess my child up mentally im currently living with my parents who are great support to me but i pray allah guides me and my husband to make our marriage work for my childs sake Reply 35. Suhaib says: May 14, 2014 at 7:29 am I am a brother who is from a broken family myself my dad left my mum and married again i have 7brothers and sisters whi my mum raised on her own some went on wrong path including myself commiting zina taking drugs etc I changed when i met my wife and i knew she would be perfect to come into my family and take care of my mum for my mothers sake i married my wife after less than 2years of marriage and with a newborn baby me and my wife have separated as she didnt get along with my mother a big argument caused me to lash out on her my wife has moved in with her sister now with our baby i still love her but plan to divorce her so i can marry again to someone who my mum has chosen i feel guilty leaving my child without a father but the girl i plan to marry wants me to cut all ties with my wife i dont want to hurt my mother who has already been through a lot in her life but i dont want my child to be fatherless
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Thoughts on Parenting Guest Authors | October 4, 2011 6:00 am
by AbdelRahman Mussa This article is a culmination of some of my thoughts about parenting, prompted by recent conversations. It is intended for both parents and grown adults. If youre not a parent, you might find that some of what you will read gives you insightinsight that will allow you to change your perceptions of your parents for the better, insha Allah (God willing).
Community Leader Syndrome Many parents today want to bring their kids up to be leaders. This is a noble endeavor, but Id like to suggest the following: I think that it would be wiser to bring your children up to have the capacity to be leaders, but not necessarily for them to be leaders. So dont tell them, I want you to be a community leader, 27
nor Youll make a good community leader. This can lead to power-loving individuals. It can lead to control freaks. It leads to arrogance. And do not walk upon the earth exultantly. Indeed, you will never tear the earth [apart], and you will never reach the mountains in height, (Quran 17:37). This was the advice of Luqman (radi allahu `anhu, may God be pleased with him) to his son. We need to remember that as Muslims, we are not to seek leadership. We are to seek betterment: I only intend reform as much as I am able, (Quran 11:88). And so, you bring your child up to be strong and therefore courageous. To know what is right and what is wrong and therefore trustworthy. To be charismaticthere is nothing wrong with that. To be inspirational even! Then as they grow, opportunities will present themselves. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) will protect them. Allah (swt) will place them were they are best suited. In a hadeeth of the Prophet , (narrated in the sahih of Al-Hakim) he states that it is a betrayal to Allah (swt), His Messenger and the Ummah at large to place someone in a seat of power that they are not best suited for. It is narrated that Umar ibn Alkhatab (ra) rejected any suggestions that his son, Abdullah, be the next khalifah (caliph), saying that it was enough for one of them to stand in front of Allah (ra), and be tried for that position on the day of Judgment! You must also be aware that the child seeks your approval. Therefore, do not make him/her stretch for something that he/she might not be best suited for. Let him strive for taqwa (God consciousness) instead. Otherwise, your child might grow up feeling that they have let you down by not becoming the community leader you had wished for whilst they also avoid arrogance its not a nice place to be, stuck between a rock and a hard place. We know the story of both prophets Musa (`alayhi assalaam, peace be upon him) and Yusuf (as). Musa (as) was given a prophets daughter because he was strong and trustworthy. Yusuf (as) asked for the position of power (chancellor) because he was best qualified for ithe was trustworthy and knowledgeable (a form of strength). So, neither of these prophets acquired these characters with the intention to attain; rather, these characters brought for them opportunities that they couldnt have conceived of before. What to Concentrate on There is also the question of how to bring up kids: do you bring them up in a bubble (usually associated with Islamic schooling) or do you risk letting them experience life as it is, in the hope that they do not grow to be naive? I believe that if you bring your children up with the following two characteristics, things will work themselves out regardless of what you choose, insha Allah: 28
Courage Knowing what is right and what is wrong. It takes courage to implement what is right and to avoid what is wrong. But without knowledge, courage is only a shell, and it can be quite detrimental. Both are critical. The Prophet once described to a companion that if the whole world was to unite to harm him, they would not be able tounless Allah (swt) had willed it so. And that if the whole world were to unite to help him, they would not be able tounless Allah (swt) had willed it so. You would think this advice was given to Khalid ibn Alwaleed (ra) or to Umar ibn AlKhatab (ra)no! It was given to ibn Abas. He was between the ages of 9 and 13! Details and More Details I also think that parents love to over simplify things for their kidsthey dont want to mention too much because of all the but why questions, forgetting that the reply could always be: I dont know, or Why dont you find out when you grow up? or Why dont we ask someone? These are opportunities to give your child self-reliance and curiosity. Instill within them the love of learningits a form of worship. And its an amazing opportunity for you to see things with a new light, to re-acquire that beautiful wonder that children bring to the world. Engineer Failure I believe that parents need to engineer the childs failure. They need to have their children experience falling, betrayal by friends and failure in general. This will happen anyway, but hardly any parent teaches the child how to deal with the situation, how to stand again. Give your child the first taste of business at the age of 11. Give him/her some money and tell him/her to invest it. Let him/her fail. Its ok. Its more than ok its good. Tell them to try again until they succeed. Let him/her learn the true meaning of trustbefore you ever speak about it. Let him/her know what a bad friend can do and how harmful they can bewell before you teach them the hadeeth about the friend of a perfume seller as compared to the friend of a blacksmith. Engineer it so that they fail, but in a safe manner. (Thats why its called engineering and not neglect!) Failure and betrayal are viewed as a bug in the software and not as an integral part of the system (life). Failure is integral to successto life itself. Teach your children how to deal with it. It will make them more courageous and less susceptible to bribes and emotional blackmail. Reward them when they realize that theyve made a mistake. Dont ever tell them, I told you so. 29
By the way, the story of Yusufif you teach your children that, how can they be naive? The same holds for all the prophets and the seerah of the Beloved . So if youre honest about things as you instill courageousness and you teach them right from wrongthis is good. Donts I was recently shocked during taraweeh prayer (late night prayer performed in Ramadan) when a parent rewarded his son by saying: Because youre praying in the mosque, Im going to take you shopping. This shocked me because the parent was associating akhira (the next life) with dunya (this life) and not the other way around. We work in dunya in order to attain the hereafter. We dont pray such that we attain this life, although Allah (swt) rewards us with that as a positive byproduct. Its much better to tell your child: If you dont eat your vegetables, youre going to pray by yourself, not in jamaah (congregational prayer, which is more beneficial) or Eat your vegetables so you can pray jamaah with the adults. You thereby associate dunya with the akhirah. The sequence is vital. Never Ever Dont ever tell your child off by remarking, Youre just like you mother/father, and heres why: No one likes those that mock their parents. They will hate you (though you are a parent) for mocking their (other) parent. They will also hate the other parent because you (a parent) told them to. They will hate themselves because they now hate you. Why? Because no one likes someone that hates their parentseven if its themselves. They will feel worthless because they have come from a worthless source (culmination of the above). The Prophet says that Allah (swt) will have Mercy on those that teach their children to be good to them. This is the opposite, so expect the opposite of Mercy from Allah (swt) if you partake in this. Tips on Being a Good Parent NOTHING ever beats action and being a good role model. So be courageous, teach yourself courage, and learn your deen, your religion. Knowledge brings with it flexibility and youll need lots of that! Those of you that are aware of my work will know that I break all desires into three wants: wanting control, wanting approval, and wanting security. Youll also know what a want is by 30
defining your lack. (You dont want what you have, you only want what you lack. Wanting is not acquiring.) To engineer failure, to teach your kids courage, you must let go of lacking security for your children. You must at your very fabric and core know that Allah (swt) is The Sustainer. I know of some parents that get up in the middle of the night to make sure their baby is still breathing. If youre getting up anyway, thats fine. But if youre getting up every half an hour to check, thats not so fine (except if advised by a medical practitioner). You need to trust Allah (swt). The Three Stages The fourth Khalifah, Ali (ra) advised us to play with our children till the age of 7, to discipline and teach them from the age of 7 to 14 and to BEFRIEND them at the age of 14+. I want to really focus on this. You see, before the age of 14, you are ultimately their decision maker. You tell them: All strangers are bad, and they believe that, and thats a good belief to instill in someone younger than 14. But after the age of 14, you need to teach them to dismantle some of what youve taught them. All strangers are bad from the age of 14 onwards leads to a timid coward. Someone that fails interviews. Someone that cant do da`wah (outreach). And this is just an example. You need to teach them that you are not perfect. Dont let them figure it out for themselves! Teach them that you have a point of view, an opinion and that others have a different opinion. Teach them that your advice is important and that they should follow it, but that following your advice is THEIR decision. Its a subtle but critical difference. This creates the CAPACITY to lead. But you will still have the following desire: the want/lack of approval. At a deep level, after 14 years of your child mostly obeying you, it seems that they are disrespecting you when they make their own decisionsEVEN if that decision is the same decision as your advice. And this could potentially be problematic; it leads to your child distancing themselves from you. Teach them to value your opinion through experience, not just because you said so. THEYLL COME TO YOU as a result. Its hard enough with the way society is engineered. Children are encouraged to disrespect authority (as opposed to respect it out of freedom), and then there are the teenage years. What are those years about? 31
It is a time when your child defines him/herself. So give them the space to do so. Let them define themselves. If youve brought them up to know whats right and whats wrong, and if youve taught them courage, then you neednt be afraid of social pressures. (Remember that you will have begun engineering little experiences by now to accelerate their realizations.) But if you cave in on them, theyll want freedom from you, not with you. So befriend your children at the age of 14. Really befriend them. How do you talk to your friends? Not with a parental tone, thats for sure! Change Around the age of 14, they start a period of lacking approval for themselves. They are trying to figure out if they are a good person or not. If people like them, they figure that they must be good. If you befriend them, they dont need the attention from others as much. Remember also that you must bring them up for their time, not yours. Ali (ra) is narrated to have also advised this. May Allah (swt) bless and guide both the children and the adults of this ummah (community). Ameen! AbdelRahman Mussa is the founder of iPersonalEnrichment.com Tags: Allah, Children, God, Islam, koran, Love, Moslems, Muslims, Parenting, parents, Qur'an, Tips, Wisdom Tweet This Share on Facebook Digg This Save to delicious Stumble it RSS Feed 24 Comments 1. Yousuf Tafhim says: October 4, 2011 at 8:14 am This is one of the insightful post that I have seen regarding parenting. Thank you for such an article Reply 32
o AbdelRahman Mussa says: October 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm Yousuf, may Allah reward you for your kind words. Reply 2. Yasmin says: October 4, 2011 at 1:48 pm Jazakallah khair for this very insightful post. I love how the respected author made some very imoportant points and pointed out some areas where some people will go wrong! Inshallah, all the readers will find this post to be very beneficial to them! Reply 3. Umm 'Azzam says: October 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm Salaam Bro Abdel Rahman, masya Allah a very good piece on parenting. I hope you would share the source of these beautiful sayings from Sayyidina Ali r.a. i.e. from which books or authors (if available). Sayyidina Ali was known for his wisdoms and I am sure many would like to learn more from him. Shukran jazilan. Reply o AR says: October 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm Salamu Alaykom wa Rahmatullah Umm Azzam, I read/heard this many times previously I shall insha Allah endeavour to re-find the sources again for you Reply 33
4. S says: October 4, 2011 at 5:53 pm Assalaamu alaikum Can you give references to the statements of Ali on the 3 stages & bring them up for their time, not yours. Ali (ra) is narrated to have also advised this Reply o AR says: October 5, 2011 at 1:10 pm Wa Alaykom Assalam, Yes insha Allah, I will dig them up and get back to you. Reply AR says: November 15, 2011 at 7:26 am Salamu Alaykom wa Rahmatullah please see reply to sister Wafa below. Reply 5. Dalia abd. says: October 4, 2011 at 9:57 pm Asalam alakium, Mashallah as usual Abdul Rahman Musa does a a clear thorough simple and comprehensive insight on how we attack or address issues. As a student of knowledge learning how my words affects my family especially my sibling. Jazallahkhairan- May Allah SWT bless ur work to continue further Salams 34
Reply 6. Sabeen says: October 5, 2011 at 4:38 am Jazakallah Khair! Reply 7. Jennifer says: October 5, 2011 at 5:17 am Thank you for this post with new insights I havent read before. But I have trouble with the 3 stages. It seems some parents take this too literally and dont correct their childrens behavior at all when they are young. Ive seen this kind of parenting allow children to firmly establish some very bad habits, that are quite difficult to break once the discipline and teach stage arrives. Can you offer some guidance regarding this? jazakAllah khair Reply o AR says: October 5, 2011 at 1:18 pm Salamu Alaykom wa Rahmatullah, Firstly, think back to the cases that youve seen where those children under 7 ? Secondly, you are right in that children should be corrected. The three stages are more a measure of the overall attitude that a parent should have towards their children. Im thinking of the strict parent who maims their child by focusing on discipline at the age of 3 that would be a flagrant error in my opinion. Having said that, if a child swears or if they are violent then the parent should take measures to discipline them. By discipline, I mean that they take a course of action to correct the behaviour. The course of action will differ from circumstance to circumstance. 35
If the parent has set up values for the child by associating dunya to akhira and if they have instilled within them the adoration and longing for the Prophet (pbuh) and the companions then a simple statement such as: the prophet (pbuh) would never have done that youre name is Ubaida, he was so xyz, wouldnt you like to be like that too ? would be more than sufficient insha Allah. I hope this helps Reply 8. The Shardul of Allah says: October 5, 2011 at 10:07 am At a deep level, after 14 years of your child mostly obeying you, it seems that they are disrespecting you when they make their own decisionsEVEN if that decision is the same decision as your advice. And this could potentially be problematic; it leads to your child distancing themselves from you. Superb article-full of wisdom! Jazakhallah! Reply o AR says: October 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm Alhamdu lilah and may Allah reward you for your kind words Reply 9. Naz says: October 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm JazakAllah khair for the article! Definitely a lot of gems in it, it got me thinking and Im not even close to being a parent yet. I did have one question though: How do you suppose one should reward their child for deen-oriented accomplishments (such as the example you gave of the child praying taraweeh)? Do you think a reward is necessary at all? How does one approach such a situation? 36
Reply o AR says: October 7, 2011 at 2:03 pm BarakAllah feeki, Let me share a story with you: I know a man who brought his child up in a peculiar way he would say to him before they ate anything: If you dont finish your ice-cream, youre not going to have any salad ! This same kid now well into his thirties if you ask him whether or not he wants ice-cream, his reply is: no Id rather a salad, thanks (this is just an example its the point that Im making that is the point of focus not the ice cream !) So the point Im trying to make is: youre the parent, you have huge moulding power. Or to put it another way: how would the father in the example above have rewarded his son for going shopping ? You would answer: shopping was his reward ! but how did the kid realise that it was a reward ? Because the parent framed it as such Hope this helps ! AbdelRahman Reply 10. Sarah says: October 6, 2011 at 2:51 pm Beautiful article, MashaAllah! You touch on many of the most fundamentally important parenting techniques that most parents brutally neglect. Ive noticed many view their roles is to just say no to their children to keep them out of trouble (often the easiest way out); however, as the core of your argument underscores, parenting is not about policing, rather its about preparing your children to take on this world independently, in 37
a way that it can maximize their success in the akhirah. JazakAllah Khayr, this was wonderful, mA!! Reply o AR says: October 7, 2011 at 2:04 pm BarakAllahu feeki you highlighted the most important points Jazakillah Reply 11. Icthyo says: October 7, 2011 at 9:47 pm Yes, I do agree with your statements. From my own experiences with my children I can tell you that parenting entails doing all of the above. One thing I have to say is how important it is to talk with them rather than only talking to them. This is important even before the age of 14. Children are often a lot smarter than some adults make them out to be just remember the things we would have thought of as we experienced life when we were their age. Although they are growing up in a different era I believe the principles of parenting remain the same, only the way in which we impart the values to our children may change. Reply 12. Wafa says: November 14, 2011 at 8:06 pm Assalamu Alaikum, Can you please share your sources for the three stages. You reference the following: The fourth Khalifah, Ali (ra) advised us to play with our children till the age of 7, to discipline and teach them from the age of 7 to 14 and to BEFRIEND them at the age of 14+. but my husband says he has read that Omar (ra) said it. Jazak Allahu Khairan 38
Reply o AR says: November 15, 2011 at 7:25 am wa Alaykom Assalam sister Wafa, After some research, It seems that there are three opinions about this: 1- Ali (RAA) said it 2- Omar (RAA) said it 3- One of the salaf said it but we dont quite know who The statement is found in different books, but without reference and more than one of my Shuyukh had mentioned it while I was studying so I didnt think to reference it for myself. My apologies for not verifying exactly where it was from. Insha Allah it is still useful. From experience, children do need to be treated differently in those three stages, wallahu alam. Reply 13. Hijabish says: December 14, 2011 at 1:37 am Mashallah. Brother, your tips are so simple and easy. May Allah give barakat in ur dawat work for deen . Ameen Reply 14. Toufik says: January 1, 2012 at 2:59 pm SubhanAllah Abdel Rahman, did not know you wrote articles too. May Allah reward you for your efforts inshAllah. See you on friday hopefully Reply 39
15. Umm Sulaiman says: April 21, 2012 at 11:03 am As salamualykum JazakAllahukhairn for a beneficial reminder. I think people kind of go off track because they seem to misunderstand certain things like discipline, being firm, being gentle, letting children do whatever whenever and however. Or perhaps i have misunderstood those terms. For example some people never seem to correct or advise their children. i have noticed even litte kids will pay attention or listen to something, but if the adults around them never correct themselves then the child wont either, the first lesson is correcting oneself. when you have kids you suddenly reaslise, gosh i must do that/ or say that because my kids have been around me all the time and have picked it up from me! you cant tell kids not to do something and then do it yourself, or vice versa. children imitate what they see and hear not what people tell them to do this or do that discipline does not mean hitting or shouting. theres a nice blog called disciplinewithoutdisrespecting by grandma jeddah for anyone interested you can google it. wasalam
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5 Ways to Navigate Your Parents Rocky Marriage Guest Authors | January 16, 2014 5:00 am
By Aisha Shahnaz Rocky marriages can be strewn with boulders and trenches for the husband and wife involved, but they can be especially trying for their children. My parents, may Allah bless and have mercy upon them both, had a marriage that involved a series of disputes that I was too young to understand. Despite a number of counseling sessions with our local imam and interventions with family and friends, the weight of many years of emotional wounds took their toll and their marriage gradually dissolved, ending in divorce. There is no denying that divorce is a disagreeable ordeal and there is a sensible reason why in Islam it is accepted as only a final choice, after all other avenues of reconciliation and counseling between a couple have been 41
exhausted. This serves to protect the family unit as a whole, and initiate the rippling effects of a permanent separation only if it is absolutely necessary. Navigating your parents long rough marriage, temporary separation, or divorce can be troublesome and confusing, but you can train yourself to rise above all the turmoil and find tranquility. Looking back as an adult, I can say with assurance that the five points below really helped me and can do the same for you, whether you are a young individual who is currently experiencing your parents rocky marriage, living with divorced parents, or even parents who have remarried. 1. Trust in Allahs Will Surrender everything to Allahs will, increase your tawakkul (reliance on Him) and you will never be discontent. We must put our trust in what has been written for us. Make du`a (supplication) to Allah to grant you and your parents only what is best in this life and the next and help you to overcome your difficulties. 2. Always Treat Both Your Parents with Immense Love and Respect There are times that you may find yourself swayed towards siding with one of them, especially if you feel one of them has been wronged. Remember though that your relationship with your parents was ordained by Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Exalted is He) and that you have to try your best to treat them both with respect and love. In the long run, instilling this will benefit your relationship with each parent and give you a sense of great inner peace. Allah (swt) says in the Quran in surah Al Isra, And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small (Quran 17:24) 3. Seek Support & Be Yourself Speaking about your situation to a third party can be beneficial, and a meaningful talk with a trusted friend can go a long way. If you feel your situation is especially difficult, seek professional help. Along with this, try to keep your own personal goals in sight so that you are not bogged down by your parents situation exclusively. Strive to pursue goals in life that will bring both you and your parents great happiness. 4. Be Grateful Take time to thank Allah (swt) for all the good things in your life frequently. Thank Him (swt) for placing your parents in your life if you have both (so many people do not have this blessing and would do anything for a little more time with their parents), for a home, for food and water, and a comfortable way of life. 5. Change Your Perspective 42
Strive to change your perspective when it comes to your parents marriage. If they are separated or divorced and you have two different homes then tell yourself that Two homes only means twice the love, etc. A positive outlook can paint everything with a fresh coat of brilliance. One things for sure: there are a number of diverse family types and so many different challenges that one may face. Do not feel burdened, overwhelmed, or helpless regardless of the situation and know that Allah (swt) can guide you out of rocky terrain to smooth rolling pastures. Tags: 5 ways to navigate your parents' rocky marriage, aisha shahnaz, Allah, God, Islam, koran, marriage, mohammad, Moslem, Muhammad, Muslim, parents, Qur'an, rocky marriage, Tawakkul Tweet This Share on Facebook Digg This Save to delicious Stumble it RSS Feed 2 Comments 1. 3d models says: January 16, 2014 at 8:09 am Howdy! I could have sworn Ive been to this blog before but after browsing through some of the post I realized its new to me. Anyways, Im definitely happy I found it and Ill be bookmarking and checking back often! Reply 2. Tanveer says: January 17, 2014 at 8:34 am As Salaam Aly Kum JazzakAllah Sister for sharing this very positive and encouraging postonly those who go thru this situation can understand the wisdom and beauty of your words.
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Unplug and Re-connect: How to Keep Families Connected During Technology Time-Outs Lobna Mulla | September 4, 2012 5:00 am
(c) Rehan Shaikh At the risk of aging myself, in the 90s, the term unplugged referred to a show where artists musically entertained a small audience without the aid of electric instruments. These days however, when families are encouraged to go unplugged they are persuaded to spend time together free of electronic distractions or as my older brother, an electrical engineer, says, e- distractions, for short. Such distractions include the myriad of miniature instant gratification devices otherwise known as Nintendo DSs, iPods, tablets, phones, not to mention larger distractions, like television, gaming consoles such as Wii, Xbox, etc., and the classic home computer. We all know the merits of quality family time on a real-time basis, but the question is: how? First, it is important to understand the ramifications of the entire familys increased relationship with electronics. Studies show that family bonds are weakening since members are spending more screen time and less face time. Children and adults alike are losing the ability to engage in small talk and are gaining an increased apathy towards others. An increased desire for visual 44
stimulation and a decreased attention span are also compelling reasons to push for familial electronic time-outs. Feelings of detachment of family members from one another leads to an increased reliance on comfort in superficial e-relationships and fleeting moments of gratification from Facebook posts, game console victories, and endless text conversations. To console those who enjoy the above-mentioned activities, this article is not intended to condemn them. Instead, it is meant to point out the importance of giving our technological toys a time-out and to tune-in to the family on a consistent basis. The beauty of this concept is that every family, regardless of its size, can custom make a reconnect plan of their own. For example, consider setting guidelines for the family, which include times where technology use is not allowed. Such times can include family meals, a specific hour in the evening, or better yet, an entire day of the week. For some of you, the mere thought of spending more than a few minutes away from your tablet or phone causes increased anxiety. Sadly enough, this is now documented as a new disorder called cell phone separation anxiety disorder, where sufferers experience increased anxiety if they are away from their phones. Yes, separation from instant gratification devices can be painful, but like lower primates, we can be trained to return to our natural e-distraction free state. We have to re-learn basic skills like getting over boredom, engaging with others in a meaningful conversation, touching dirt and looking for bugs, and even having to talk to our parents out-of-town guests or long lost relatives. Now, you may ask, how can we accomplish such a feat when toddlers, teens, and adults have become inseparable from their various screens? First, give before you take away. A classic concept in discipline is to replace an undesirable habit with a desirable one. Simply said, provide fun alternatives for your family. I have heard parents complain that their children only want to play on their electronic devices all day long. Yet these same parents do not spend the time to take their children to the park, play a board game with them, let alone purchase such games, or even make the effort to engage their family members in an interesting discussion. Below are some easy, family re-connect ideas. But be forewarned, you will receive resistance from at least some of your family members. Even the adults! One key to the success of Operation Unplug and Re-Connect is to first discuss with your family guidelines to be followed. Come up with a Re-connect plan that outlines how often you wish to have family time, e- distraction free. For example, smaller or younger families may wish to have such times once a day. Busier families, on the other hand may be content with a once-a-week schedule. Next, have your family discuss activities that at least most members can agree upon. Re-Connect Ideas Plan a family camping trip (a Mulla absolute favorite!). Go for a picnic at the beach or park and pack everyones favorite treat. Go outdoors and discover your surroundings. See who can find the most living things in 5 minutes. Engage your family in a discussion (if you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?). 45
Go for a walk (some family members need more of a temptation like walking to an ice- cream or coffee shop). Play a board game. Look at family photos and reminisce. Divide and conquer if necessary: Play ball with some and play building blocks with others. The bottom line is adding meaningful family quality time to our life, minus the electronic devices. We would see healthier home lives and more well-rounded members of the community. Changing familial habits is not easy, but well-worth it. Unplug, re-connect, be patient, and enjoy. Tags: Allah, e-distractions, electronic distractions, family time, God, Islam, koran, lobna, lobna mulla, mohammad, Moslem, Muhammad, mulla, Muslim, Qur'an, technology, unplug and re- connect Tweet This Share on Facebook Digg This Save to delicious Stumble it RSS Feed 5 Comments 1. Yasmin says: September 4, 2012 at 9:08 am Jazakallah khair for this very important and much needed post! Reply 2. abdullah says: September 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm Aooooousum reminder I need it more then any body else because I feel i have nothing to do if i dont sit on laptop or do my Uni Assignments. May ALLAH shower me with the art of Balance.Amin Reply 46
3. zahid hameed says: September 5, 2012 at 12:38 am jazakkallah khair ,lovely topic to reunite the our family mebers ,near and dears etc Reply 4. Dreamlife says: September 5, 2012 at 1:15 am JazakAllah for the excellent article. Its kind of a disease thats infected so many of us nowadays, and what I love about your piece is that you give practical alternatives. May this article be spread far and wide, and help us all to find more balance in our lives and families. Reply 5. felicity says: September 7, 2012 at 9:38 pm Awesome! MashaaAllaah! 47
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Why? Guest Authors | May 27, 2011 5:00 am
By Sabeen Mansoori We have often heard from our parents stories from their childhood that seem completely fantastic to us. The endless number of miles that they had to walk to get to school or the fact that they were given one pencil to use for the entire year and the unbelievable trouble that they would get into if they lost that one pencil! More fantastic than those stories of struggle and frugality were the times that we were informed about the degree of respect that they had for their parents. How they were not allowed to speak in the presence of most elders and the thought of talking back to a mother, or father, or grandparent never crossed their minds. Disobeying an adult, even a neighbor, was a punishable offence at home and completely unacceptable socially. The stories seem so fantastic because the majority of parents now days seem to spend their time negotiating with their children and are plagued by the why? questions. On every little thing the kids seem to roll their eyes and ask: Why do I have to do my school work? Why do I have to do the dishes? Why do I have to make my bed? Why cant I play on the Xbox for 20 hours straight? Why do I have to listen to you? But why? A question that got someone into eternal trouble when he asked, Bow down! But why? I am better than him. Parents seem to be sweating under the blaze of these interrogating questions even as their homes and their hearts shake to the sound of slamming doors. This attitude of disrespect becomes truly 49
dangerous when it is brought to compliance on religious matters. Then the question becomes why do I have to pray? Why do I have to fast? Why cant I wear the super tight skinny jeans? The questions are sometimes driven by a sincere desire to understand and sometimes they are used as tools to chip away at the patience of the worn out parents. Some parents repeatedly buckle under the pressure of society that their child seems to have on his/her side. Apart from teaching the ritual aspects of the religion, it is our responsibility to inculcate in our youth the love of Allah and His Messenger. The ability to obey Allah and carry out His commands comes only if this love is foremost in the heart. It cannot be created by bombarding them with lists of haram (forbidden) and halal (permissible) that they disregard because in the greater society almost everything is permissible. . . . But those who believe, love Allah more (than anything else) . . . (Quran 2:165) Say, [O Muhammad], If you should love Allah, then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (Quran 3:31) It is difficult to convey this emotion of love and reverence to a generation that is essentially being taught that respect to any authority figure is un-cool. In order to reach across this generation gap we need to couch these terms in language and place them in contexts that they can relate to. For example in most well known commentaries of Surah Al-Asr a quote from Imam Razi is mentioned. Imam Razi has cited a scholar as saying, I understood the meaning of Surah AI-`Asr from an ice-seller, who was calling aloud for the attention of the people repeatedly in the bazar: Have mercy on the one whose wealth is melting away! Hearing what he was crying I said to myself: this then is the meaning of Wal- asr-i innal-insana la-fi khusr-in. In order to contextualize this in modern terms you could take the name of the person who sells snow cones at the masjid (mosque) every time there is an event and ask your child how would Uncle so and so get his money if no one bought the snow cones and all his ice melted away. Our time is running out just like his ice is melting so we should also do good and tell others to do good or we will also be in loss. Br. Noumans Tafseer of Surah Al-Asr is outstanding, especially the analogy of the drowning man which he presents at the end of Part 1. Abdullaah ibn Hishaam said: We were with the Prophet (May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and he was holding the hand of Umar ibn al-Khattaab. Umar said to him: O Messenger of Allah, you are dearer to me than everything except my own self. The Prophet said: No (that is not right), by the One in Whose hand is my soul, until I am dearer to you than your own self. Umar said to him, Now, by Allah, you are dearer to me than my own self. The Prophet said: Now (you are right), O Umar. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, no. 6632) This ideal of a profound love where Rasulallah is more beloved than even ones own self was something that Hazrat Umar radi Allahu anhu (May Allah be pleased with him) initially found difficult to grasp. But at the Prophets gentle reminder he agreed that indeed he loved Rasulallah more than he loved himself. Contrast this with the attitude of the Muslims today. There are those who take their reverence too far so as to almost deify him and then there are others who are completely apathetic towards his personality. There are those of our youth mashaAllah (God has willed it) whose hearts are imbued with the love of Allah subhanahu wa 50
taala (Glorified is He) and his Messenger and, inshaAllah (God willing), we pray that Allah (swt) keeps them on guidance and they can lead us in the future. But there are others who flippantly pass judgment on his character or relegate him to a time 1400 years ago even though Allah (swt) called him a Mercy to all of Mankind. They make snide, disrespectful remarks about his family life as if they have the right to do so even though Allah (swt) warned the believers that were with him that the slightest hint of disrespect to the Messenger could destroy their deeds: O you who have believed, do not raise your voices above the voice of the Prophet or be loud to him in speech like the loudness of some of you to others, lest your deeds become worthless while you perceive not. (Quran 49:2) Imagine that you are walking with a friend and someone holds the door open for you. You might smile at the person and say a polite thank you and move on. If it is your habit to pass comments on other peoples clothing you might say, Did you see what he was wearing? Now imagine that you are hiking in a mountainous region with a group of people. The air becomes crisp as the altitude increases. You are enjoying the magnificent scenery when suddenly you lose your footing and begin to slide down the steep precipice. The person behind you lunges and grabs your hand and without a care for his own safety he hangs on to you, literally for dear life. (Yes, I know it sounds like a cheap movie but bear with me.) When they finally haul you up to safety you thank your savior profusely and say that you are indebted to them forever. No one would be so low as to pass comments about the appearance of the person who had just rescued them from near certain death. You would probably do something special to express you gratitude, possibly try to repay the favor by sacrificing something for their sake and developing a close relationship in the process. We are also on the treacherous path of life and we are constantly losing our footing. The danger is not that we will fall to a certain death in some valley but the fear is that we will fall in the eternally blazing pit of hellfire. The Prophet is the person who reaches out to save us. He has no selfish motives, no greed for recompense and no desire for gratitude. His only concern was to convey the message that Allah (swt) had entrusted him with so that he could save us from the hellfire. This was his one consuming concern even as he suffered persecution at the hands of his own people and was driven out of his beloved city. Allah (swt) comforts him with the words: Perhaps, [O Muhammad], you would kill yourself with grief that they will not be believers. (Quran 26:3) I used the word us because he spoke of you and me to his companions: Anas bin Malik (ra) narrates that the Messenger of Allah said: I wish that I could meet my brothers. The Sahabah (companions of the Prophet ) asked: Arent we your brothers? He replied: You are my Companions, but my brothers are those who will believe in me without having seen me. (This version is found in Musnad Ahmad and Al-Albani graded it saheeh in al-Silsilah al- Saheehah#2888) 51
He worried about us when he was on this earth and he will worry about us on the Day of Judgment when the people will plead with the Prophets to intercede so that the accounting can begin. Every other Prophet will cry nafsi, nafsi (myself, myself), only Muhammad al-Mustafa will say ummati, ummati (my people, my people). Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said, All of my Ummah will enter Paradise except those that refuse. Those who were with him (the Sahabah) said, And who will refuse? He said, Whoever obeys me will enter Paradise, and whoever disobeys me will have refused. (Bukhari) The Messenger of Allah is still reaching for us as we travel through the slippery slopes of our existence. His words, deeds and his character, which were the embodiment of the teachings of the Quran, beckon to us through the ages. Maybe the why question that we should be asking ourselves is, Why do I not love the Messenger of Allah more than I love myself? He cared so deeply for my well-being why am I not willing to sacrifice anything in his obedience? Why do I brush aside his example and clutch at the straws of culture and fashion as if they are going to save me from the fire? The truly fantastic thing is that salvation is within our reach and we are saying, Its ok, I dont wish to be saved. May Allah (swt) fill our hearts with the love of Allah and his Messenger and make us worthy of his company in Paradise. Tags: loving the prophet, Prophet Muhammad, relationship with Allah, releationshpi with prophet, Sabeen Mansoori, surah Asr, why? Tweet This Share on Facebook Digg This Save to delicious Stumble it RSS Feed 14 Comments 1. UmmSarah says: May 27, 2011 at 7:35 am 52
Deeply inspiring. Love of Rasulallah SWS, in its true sense, is so very profound that it is bound to change you from deep within. In this day and age, very few can truly understand it. This article has done a good job on it. Reply o Sabeen Mansoori says: May 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm Jazakallah Khairun. Inshallah, we are of those that are able to experience this love and pass it on to our children. Reply 2. SHussain says: May 27, 2011 at 9:45 am Wow That was so amazing MashaAllah. Thank you for that. May Allah (swt) bless you immensly and fill your heart with the love of His Beloved (saw). Reply o Sabeen Mansoori says: May 29, 2011 at 9:51 pm Ameen! Reply 3. Muslima. says: May 27, 2011 at 11:53 am May Allah raise us all and our families with the beloved prophet(pbuh) in the day of judgement.And may Allah make the path of deen easier upon us in this life. Ameen JazakAllah Khair. Reply 53
4. papanok says: May 28, 2011 at 1:19 am MashaAllaah that was a tear jerker. Very powerful as it hits the heart. JazakaAllaah kul khair! Reply 5. The Shardul of Allah says: May 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm A very poignant article. Our debt to the Messenger of Allah ()is simply unpayable. Reply o Sabeen Mansoori says: May 29, 2011 at 10:03 pm In this time when so much is taken for granted, the mere realization that we are indebted to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is truly a gift from Allah(). Jazakallah khayrun Reply 6. Kagome23 says: May 31, 2011 at 2:45 pm Much of this disrepsectful attitude on the childrens part is due to intial initial neglect coming from the parents during the early stages. Many parents display offensive behavior in front of children, and then act surprised when those same children begin to question the parents integrity. If the parents are consistent in their deen, then the so called questioning and disrespect should not be tolerated. If however, the parents were relaxed and promoted middle eastern or desi values above all else and then pull the card about following Islam when it comes to westernized behavior, then the children have every right to question this hypocritical behavior. In this instance the parents get exactly what 54
they deserve. Human beings are fallable and just because previous generations did not question authority does not mean they were perfect. Reply o Sabeen Mansoori says: June 1, 2011 at 5:04 am The parents should be role models for their kids but in certain families it is the other way around with the younger generation being more religiously observant than their parents. Parents (imperfect ones also)deserve respect and not rudeness. There is an unprecedented trend to question and flaunt authority; not just of parents, but adults in general including teachers and other superiors. This creates a general attitude of arrogance which is contrary to the spirit of submission to Allah and obedience and love for His Messenger. Reply 7. Akbar Ahmed says: June 3, 2011 at 8:40 am Jazakallah very inspiring article But I would like to get some more guidance about how to improve or tackle this behavior of kids discussed in the article set of steps or strategy to improve parents and the children and to fill our hearts with love of Allah (swt) and prophet(pbuh). Reply o Sabeen Mansoori says: June 3, 2011 at 11:26 pm Jazakallah khayrun. All guidance is from Allah and through the example of His Messenger (peace be upon him). 1.Parenting begins with the parent. First, we have to continuously work on our love of Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him.) It is important to be on the path of learning together. Our daily life experiences can be contextualized in the light of the Quran and the Sunnah so the relationship with the Book of Allah has to be nurtured. Children should be familiar with the lives of all of the Prophets and the Sahabah and sahabiyaat from a young age. 55
O you who have believed, why do you say what you do not do? Most hateful it is with Allah that you say that which you do not do. (61:2-3) 2. Patience, patience, patience Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning. (39:10) 3. They are our children, not our clones. Give them the parameters of the deen and then let them develop and grow as they please. 4. Treat them as you would like them to treat you in your old age when you are going to be dependent on them. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small. (17:24) 5. Keep good company and make sure your children have good friends And keep yourself patient [by being] with those who call upon their Lord in the morning and the evening, seeking His countenance. And let not your eyes pass beyond them, desiring adornments of the worldly life, and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever [in] neglect. (18:28) 6. Learn to forgive and forget because you will be severely tested: O you who have believed, indeed, among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon and overlook and forgive then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. (64:14-15) May Allah (swt) make our children a sadaqah jariyah (continuous charity) for us. Reply 8. Kendriana says: March 21, 2012 at 10:23 pm Its been difficult for me to grasp the appreciation required of Muslims for the Prophet (saws), but while reading this post I developed a greater understanding and ambition to study the life of RasulAllah (saws). Reply 9. Kirana says: December 31, 2012 at 2:26 am For many years, I never understood this emphasis on love for the Prophet. I mean, in this day and age, someone telling you If you want to be in this religion, you must love this man more than yourself my first instinct is scepticism. For those in Islamicised 56
cultures, the Prophet is often idealised, out of reach, and unrelatable, or even tribalised. Even many of the seerah books do not delve into his human feelings and tribulations even as he learned and was guided to carry the heavy Message, as though it might detract from the pedestal we should put him on. It was only when I could see that he wouldve understood many of the trials and griefs I go through, only when I learned of his character in the sense of, this is applicable to me and an example expected of me, instead of the sense of, wow our religious leader is so amazing that hes beyond me and everyone, and the depth of his concern for me without having met or known me, simply because I am human, then I understood that this man could not possibly have told us to love him or give him salawat etc. because of his self- concern, or simply just because it must be because doing so will save *me*, so that I am saved from the love of myself, and on the Day that matters, perhaps that love will compel me to find him successfully in the tumult and be counted among his flock. So it is now and only now, can I begin to love my Prophet. Yes, all of the above required many years, because I am a child of this age, this age full of false prophets and impostors, and so needed to ask why. Reply