Ambiguous Language

Taken from http://www.gray-area.org/

Church Bulletins
Actual announcements

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the Birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in
my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start
quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward
and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen
in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes
meals".
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on the people who
are not afflicted with any church.
The ladies Bible Study will be held on Wednesday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the church hall after the B.S. is done.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The congregation is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low self-esteem support group will meet on Wednesday from 7.00 to 8.30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.
The Rev. Steacey spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.
The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing
"Break forth into Joy"
Next Sunday Mrs. Solosky will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will
then speak on "It's a terrible experience"
Due to the Pastor's illness, Sunday evening healing services will be discontinued
until further notice.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Weight watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side
entrance.
Six new choir gowns are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.













Insurance Forms

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers
attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit
him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no
stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had
a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when
I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the road.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by
some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way
when I struck the front end.