1

00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:09,676

After all these years,
I finally have it all.
2
00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:12,445
I'm gonna miss this place.
3
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,315
That's how you do it.
It's two lines.
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,316
[Car horn honks]
5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,967
Hey, 1% d-bag!
6
00:00:17,985 --> 00:00:20,103
You can't park here!
You don't own the sidewalk!
7
00:00:20,137 --> 00:00:22,439
Ahh!
8
00:00:22,473 --> 00:00:24,024
It's nice to see you
back at work
9
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,008
and taking advantage of being
in the greatest city on Earth,
10
00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,511
despite our tiny
and American sodas.
11
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,363
Well, I feel like
New York City
12
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,681
is one of the characters
on our show.
13
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,233
[Laughs]
That's idiotic.

14
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,935
So how was your hiatus?
Start with what puzzles you did.
15
00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,805
Venice, solar system,
unicorn...
16
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:41,174
The cast of <i>L. A. Law.</i>
That one took me a while.
17
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:44,677
So much white.
Anyway...
18
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,179
Good to be back,
but stressful.
19
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:49,015
The usual Liz Lemon
work-life balancing act.
20
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,583
- How are things with Chris?
- Good.
21
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:53,987
Great.
We are trying...
22
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,388
Really, Lemon?
You can't even say "trying"?
23
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,991
What positions
are you using?
24
00:00:58,025 --> 00:01:00,160
The one. There's only one.
Talk about something else.
25
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:02,829
Fine.
We'll talk about me.

26
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:05,398
I have never been better.
27
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,133
And my divorce went smoothly.
28
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,669
In fact, thanks to a round
of golf with Archbishop Dolan,
29
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:10,670
I was never married.
30
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:11,771
Libby won a bronze
31
00:01:11,806 --> 00:01:13,840
in horsey jumpy
at the baby Olympics,
32
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:16,543
and at work, I am taking
the bull by the horns.
33
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,978
Have you seen
the new fall shows?
34
00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:20,613
Yes, I have...
35
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,848
Seen them.
36
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,616
If you're tired
of sexy vampires,
37
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,118
then you'll love <i>Hunchbacks,</i>
38
00:01:25,152 --> 00:01:27,520
starring Jonathan Silverman
as Dr. Fantastico.
39

00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:28,555

And do you like
the information channel
40
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,023
you get when you stay
in a hotel?
41
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,858
Well, Thursdays
is just that now.
44
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,564
Yes, little big man
discovered
45
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,532
the grass isn't always greener
on the other side,
46
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,967
and came crawling back.
47
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,203
My grandmother
was seriously ill.
48
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:46,372
I went to salinas
to feed and bathe her.
49
00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:50,410
- I'm sorry.
- I still don't like you.
50
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,478
<i>God cop?</i>
51
00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:54,397
"Crime just got
a new worst friend."
52
00:01:54,431 --> 00:01:56,232
[Laughs]
The hell is that?
53
00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,568
A show I am

very excited about.

54
00:01:58,602 --> 00:02:00,603
A New York City detective
solves crimes
55
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,373
with the help
of his new partner, God.
56
00:02:03,407 --> 00:02:05,542
So God just
tells him who did it?
57
00:02:05,576 --> 00:02:07,577
God can't just
tell him who did it.
58
00:02:07,611 --> 00:02:09,129
- Why not?
- Watch the pilot, Lemon.
59
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,463
It's all explained
in the end
60
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,665
by the wise black man
played by Karl Malone.
61
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,751
You're really
taking some swings here.
62
00:02:14,785 --> 00:02:16,052
I have no choice.
63
00:02:16,086 --> 00:02:19,139
My boss Hank Hooper
is clearly planning to retire.
64
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,390
Word is he bought a boat.
65
00:02:20,424 --> 00:02:21,674
But it's not a yacht,
66

00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,394

for corporate parties
and Hooker disposal.
67
00:02:24,428 --> 00:02:25,795
It's a two-man
fishing boat.
68
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,730
I believe that
is called a skiff.
69
00:02:27,765 --> 00:02:31,184
I will not have you telling me
boat names in my own office.
70
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,970
Hank has vowed to keep
Kabletown in his family.
71
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:37,023
I have one chance to change
his mind before he retires.
72
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,858
That's where shows
like <i>God cop,</i>
73
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,778
<i>O.J. Simpson live,</i>
and <i>Rule of threes</i> come in.
74
00:02:41,812 --> 00:02:44,197
- Oh, brother.
- <i>Oh, brother...</i>
75
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:47,283
A comedy about
two jive-talking con men
76
00:02:47,317 --> 00:02:49,502
hiding out in a monastery.
77
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:53,790
Jonathan,
bring me my green light.
78
00:02:53,824 --> 00:02:56,793

[Exciting jazz music]

79
00:02:56,827 --> 00:02:58,427
* *
80
00:03:07,251 --> 00:03:10,051
30 Rock
S07 Ep01 - The beggining of the end
81
00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,720
Sync, corrections by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com
82
00:03:13,844 --> 00:03:16,512
[Screaming, crying]
83
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,399
My wedding is gonna be
a disaster!
84
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:22,035
The doves I ordered
for the wedding came,
85
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,821
and they're all dead!
86
00:03:24,855 --> 00:03:28,157
Ugh! Ugh!
One of 'em touched my tongue!
87
00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:29,709
[Sobbing]
88
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,411
Calm down.
89
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:33,129
I'll show you
that video of Taylor Swift
90
00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,581
getting hit in the face
with a foul ball.
91
00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:38,134
Oh, I'm fine, Liz.

The doves were just a drill.

92
00:03:38,168 --> 00:03:41,203
Everyone needs to be on their
toes for my wedding year.
93
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,223
I'm gonna be a nightmare.
94
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:46,392
Wait, if that was a drill,
did you kill those doves?
95
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,678
No. I bought them
at the dead dove store.
96
00:03:48,712 --> 00:03:49,879
Grow up, Liz.
97
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,714
Jenna, you're always a...
98
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,349
High-strung perfectionist.
99
00:03:53,383 --> 00:03:54,851
I prefer
soul-sucking monster.
100
00:03:54,885 --> 00:03:56,385
How could your wedding
make you any worse?
101
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,937
I don't know,
102
00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,606
but it's a fun little journey
we're all gonna go on together.
103
00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,223
Uh huh.
So when is this wedding?
104
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:04,327
I can't tell you.

It's a secret surprise wedding.

105
00:04:04,361 --> 00:04:06,579
Because that's what
all the big celebrities do.
106
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:09,332
Beyonce, J.Lo,
Natalie Portman,
107
00:04:09,366 --> 00:04:11,901
whose real last name
is Hershlag, by the way.
108
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,202
Okay, that's not relevant.
109
00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:14,420
I just think
people should know.
110
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,705
You know,
111
00:04:15,739 --> 00:04:17,340
I have a lot
of really good friends
112
00:04:17,374 --> 00:04:19,175
I could ask to be
my maid of honor.
113
00:04:19,209 --> 00:04:22,845
Paz de la huerta,
the former Mrs. Jon Cryer,
114
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,246
honey boo boo's mom.
115
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,548
June.
116
00:04:25,582 --> 00:04:27,183
But you're
my oldest friend.
117
00:04:27,217 --> 00:04:29,052

And also, I've known you

for a long time.
118
00:04:29,086 --> 00:04:32,138
Liz, will you be
my maid of honor?
119
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,891
Oh, Jenna,
that is so nice.
120
00:04:34,925 --> 00:04:37,193
But I've just got
so much going on
121
00:04:37,227 --> 00:04:39,279
with the show
and baby stuff.
122
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,197
Oh, God!
My hands! Please!
123
00:04:41,231 --> 00:04:44,617
I'll do it! I'd love to do it!
You're my best friend!
124
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,370
Oh, yay!
125
00:04:47,404 --> 00:04:49,238
Oh, you're in charge
of the bachelorette party.
126
00:04:49,272 --> 00:04:52,075
Make sure you have a stripper
there from every race.
127
00:04:52,109 --> 00:04:54,744
Start looking for Indian now.
It's a tough booking.
128
00:04:54,778 --> 00:04:56,879
Mm, best friendies!
129
00:04:56,914 --> 00:04:59,281
[Smooching]

130
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,668
[Door closes]
131
00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:05,305
[Knocks] Mr. Jordan.
I need some advice.
132
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,873
I recommend you get it
from Liz Lemon
133
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,992
or an owl
who wears glasses.
134
00:05:09,026 --> 00:05:11,678
No, sir.
It's about women.
135
00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,846
I've been living with Hazel
for the past few months,
136
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:17,433
and while we have
gotten to second base...
137
00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,768
You mean a threesome
with Robinson Cano?
138
00:05:18,802 --> 00:05:19,769
No.
139
00:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,355
I mean sharing a yogurt.
140
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,940
I'm saving myself
for marriage,
141
00:05:23,974 --> 00:05:25,575
and Hazel says
she's saving herself
142
00:05:25,609 --> 00:05:28,244
for a grade-a pork machine.

143
00:05:28,278 --> 00:05:30,146
And those are expensive.
144
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:34,033
It's just Hazel's
my first real girlfriend,
145
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,585
and I want to
make sure I'm doing
146
00:05:35,619 --> 00:05:37,787
everything I can
to make her happy.
147
00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,372
I'll tell you
how to make a woman happy.
148
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:40,656
You take charge.
149
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,258
She comes home one night,
150
00:05:42,292 --> 00:05:44,961
you're in the kitchen naked
cooking chili.
151
00:05:44,995 --> 00:05:47,163
You feed it to her
out of your hands.
152
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,849
Make her act like a bird.
153
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,719
Damn it, I don't know.
I've been married for 22 years.
154
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,638
That's half as long as it
felt like <i>Arliss</i> was on TV.
155
00:05:55,672 --> 00:05:57,306
You want to make

a woman happy?
156
00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,674
You listen to her.
157
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,728
'Cause guess what.
She's always right.
158
00:06:01,779 --> 00:06:03,730
The women in our lives
are queens.
159
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,681
Honor your queen, Kenneth.
160
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,150
If she wants to look
at new window treatments,
161
00:06:07,184 --> 00:06:09,535
you go to crate barn.
162
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,371
If she wants to have
a dinner party,
163
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,573
you go fry up
some dolphins.
164
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,825
She does say
we never entertain.
165
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:18,244
You're losing her.
Go get her!
166
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:19,629
Go get your woman!
167
00:06:19,663 --> 00:06:21,197
And speaking of which,
168
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,416
Angie's been

in the hospital for a week.

169
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,700
Could you go find out why?
170
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,420
- Ooh.
- Thank you.
171
00:06:30,540 --> 00:06:32,008
Frank, you do stand-up.
172
00:06:32,042 --> 00:06:34,093
How would you like
to have your own sitcom?
173
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,094
Can I have a hot wife?
174
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,679
- If you gain 50 pounds.
- Yeah.
175
00:06:36,713 --> 00:06:38,264
Hey, I have an idea
for a show.
176
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,400
It's about a boy
who befriends a talking panda,
177
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,851
and they're allowed
to sleep in the same bed.
178
00:06:41,885 --> 00:06:42,985
Have it
on my desk tomorrow.
179
00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:46,823
Okay.
[Coughs]
180
00:06:48,225 --> 00:06:51,160
Look, Jack,
I know you think fixing NBC
181

00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:55,164

is just another negative
synergy dynamics matrix.
182
00:06:55,199 --> 00:06:56,565
I wish.
183
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,334
Then I could just solve it
with a Schwarzfeld tesseract.
184
00:06:58,368 --> 00:07:01,587
No, this is the nadir
of my career, Lemon.
185
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,923
No room for advancement,
a boss who doesn't get it.
186
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,926
Every day, I wish some other
company had bought NBC.
187
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,095
Xerox, Alcoa, Paas.
188
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,680
The Easter Egg company?
189
00:07:10,714 --> 00:07:11,681
They own their market.
190
00:07:11,715 --> 00:07:12,682
When was the last time
you bought
191
00:07:12,716 --> 00:07:14,767
a non-Paas egg-dyeing kit?
192
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,552
Try never.
Paas is the best.
193
00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:18,554
Their wire egg dipper
is tops in the industry
194

00:07:18,588 --> 00:07:20,606

with the thinnest egg loop
to reduce dye lines.
195
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:21,974
Exactly.
196
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,426
Only I don't work for Paas.
I work for Kabletown.
197
00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,896
But I have a plan
that will fix everything.
198
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,448
Okay,
here's the thing, Jack.
199
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,818
Your plan isn't gonna work.
Your shows are terrible.
200
00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,787
I mean, have you seen
that new game show <i>Homonym?</i>
201
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,824
Your next word is "meat."
202
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,158
Oh, boy. Um...
203
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,043
Like when two people
run into each other.
204
00:07:41,078 --> 00:07:42,495
Uh, sorry,
it's the other one.
205
00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,831
- Your next word is "stare."
- Okay.
206
00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,499
Um, the things
you climb to get...

207
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,884
No, no,
it's the other one.
208
00:07:47,918 --> 00:07:49,469
It's always the other one.
Let me see the card.
209
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,287
No! Never!
210
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,005
- Your shows stink, Jack.
- Really?
211
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,223
So you don't peacock them?
212
00:07:54,258 --> 00:07:56,092
I don't... think so.
213
00:07:56,126 --> 00:07:57,643
But look, I get it.
214
00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,929
The clock's ticking, and you
feel like time's running out.
215
00:07:59,963 --> 00:08:01,564
It's like me
and everything.
216
00:08:01,598 --> 00:08:03,015
How long is this show
gonna last?
217
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,400
How many eggs
do I have left?
218
00:08:04,434 --> 00:08:06,635
Will I ever finish reading
<i>the corrections?</i>
219
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,938
But you can't let that panic

get into your head.

220
00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,406
Well, thank you
for your feedback, Lemon,
221
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,692
but I'm not panicking,
I know exactly what I'm doing,
222
00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,911
so good peacock to you.
223
00:08:14,945 --> 00:08:19,615
- But, Jack...
- I said good peacock.
224
00:08:19,649 --> 00:08:20,816
[Sighs]
225
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,503
Mr. Jordan.
226
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,505
I mentioned your
dinner party idea to Hazel.
227
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,956
Yes.
228
00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:31,127
And I thought we'd have a little
<i>fete Chez nous ce soir.</i>
229
00:08:31,161 --> 00:08:33,129
Oh, how nice to meet a woman
who speaks the language
230
00:08:33,163 --> 00:08:35,848
of the Nazis'
most enthusiastic collaborators.
231
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,466
What a kind invitation.
232
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,719
I do enjoy seeing

the homes of poor whites.

233
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:40,770
What should I bring?
234
00:08:40,804 --> 00:08:43,389
Just bring
your fascinating self.
235
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,673
Kenneth tells me
that you started
236
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,442
your own movie studio
this summer.
237
00:08:46,476 --> 00:08:49,228
Yes. I'm sort of
the black Tyler Perry.
238
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,396
Oh, and I'm
an aspiring actress
239
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,814
whose most recent
credits include
240
00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,150
running onstage
during <i>Sister act.</i>
241
00:08:54,184 --> 00:08:55,735
This is wonderful.
242
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,204
Tracy Jordan
is coming to dinner.
243
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,239
Just like in that episode
of <i>Family matters</i>
244
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,375
when Tracy Jordan
came to dinner.

245
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:05,127
You know I wasn't scripted
to be in that episode.
246
00:09:05,162 --> 00:09:09,365
I just wandered onto set because
Reginald Veljohnson owed me $40.
247
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,133
Oh.
[Chuckles]
248
00:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,336
I'm thinking about Vegas
for the bachelorette party.
249
00:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,703
We can't stay at the Palms.
250
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,055
One of the Maloofs
wants me dead,
251
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,139
and the other one loves me.
252
00:09:17,174 --> 00:09:18,391
I don't remember
which is which.
253
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,842
Okay, great.
254
00:09:19,876 --> 00:09:21,143
Tracy, I need your advice.
255
00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:22,261
You like to throw parties.
256
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,146
Why is everyone
asking me for advice?
257
00:09:24,181 --> 00:09:25,848
I'm Tracy Jordan.
258

00:09:25,882 --> 00:09:28,050

Father of 3,
married 22 years.
259
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,152
I run my own business.
260
00:09:30,187 --> 00:09:33,656
Oh, my God.
I'm the most stable adult here.
261
00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,908
Oh, God, I don't want to be
Jenna's maid of honor.
262
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,559
She wants her
"something borrowed"
263
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,445
to be Jessica Biel's youth.
264
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,447
I don't know
how to get that.
265
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,366
If you don't want to do this,
you should tank it.
266
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,951
That's what I do when
I want to get out of something
267
00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:47,336
like a schedule,
a parent-teacher conference,
268
00:09:47,371 --> 00:09:49,121
or this boring conversation.
269
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,289
Tank it?
Wow, no.
270
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,674
That's not "how I roll."

271
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,542
Thank you for saying that
in dated urban slang
272
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,177
so that I'll understand you.
273
00:09:55,212 --> 00:09:56,429
Word.
274
00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:59,015
And I would certainly never tank
on my friend Jenna.
275
00:09:59,049 --> 00:10:00,383
Because you're
terrified of her,
276
00:10:00,417 --> 00:10:02,602
the way most white ladies are
with their best friends?
277
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,437
That is racist,
and only part true.
278
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,857
A good person doesn't
intentionally do a bad job.
279
00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:09,525
I mean, look at Jack.
280
00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:10,643
He's in this
terrible position at work,
281
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:11,894
he wishes he were
somewhere else.
282
00:10:11,928 --> 00:10:13,195
Is he tanking it?
283
00:10:13,230 --> 00:10:16,265
No. In fact,
he's trying even harder.

284
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,619
Tonight on NBC,
Joe Rogan is <i>Mandela.</i>
285
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,405
And if it's Wednesday, it must
be cricket night in America.
286
00:10:22,439 --> 00:10:25,658
Then on Jay, a full hour
of Gary Sinise's band.
287
00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:30,162
Oh, my God.
Jack's tanking NBC!
288
00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,120
Turn your round.
God cop scene 24.
289
00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:37,568
I know what
you're doing, Jack.
290
00:10:37,602 --> 00:10:39,737
You are purposely
tanking the network.
291
00:10:39,771 --> 00:10:41,005
Good God, Lemon,
what is it
292
00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:42,740
with you liberals
and your conspiracy theories?
293
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:43,941
I've got bad news for you.
294
00:10:43,975 --> 00:10:46,293
The CIA did not
invent crack cocaine,
295
00:10:46,328 --> 00:10:48,245
the Levees blew themselves up
in New Orleans,

296
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,265
and no one is trying
to destroy NBC.
297
00:10:51,299 --> 00:10:53,250
Hang on, did you cast yourself
in this show?
298
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,251
What can I say?
299
00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:56,037
We saw hundreds of actors
for God.
300
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:58,255
Finally, the network executive
said I should just play it.
301
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,757
You're the network executive.
302
00:10:59,791 --> 00:11:04,512
Uh, could we have a moment,
please?
303
00:11:04,546 --> 00:11:06,514
Fine.
You got me.
304
00:11:06,548 --> 00:11:09,467
I'm steering the <i>Titanic</i>
into the iceberg.
305
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:10,851
Why?
Are you trying to get fired?
306
00:11:10,886 --> 00:11:12,503
I'm trying to get Hank
to sell the network,
307
00:11:12,521 --> 00:11:13,888
and the only way
to make him do that
308
00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,107

is to turn it into
a money-losing embarrassment.
309
00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:18,609
[Gasps]
This explains everything.
310
00:11:18,643 --> 00:11:20,010
How long has this
been going on?
311
00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:21,612
Seven years, eight?
312
00:11:21,646 --> 00:11:22,730
Six weeks.
313
00:11:22,781 --> 00:11:24,348
I have an investor lined up
314
00:11:24,366 --> 00:11:26,784
who'll buy the network
and keep me in charge.
315
00:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,152
I can't tell you
who it is,
316
00:11:28,186 --> 00:11:29,370
but his word is as good
317
00:11:29,404 --> 00:11:31,455
as the color consistency
on one of his Easter Eggs.
318
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:32,523
Adolph Paas?
319
00:11:32,541 --> 00:11:34,959
This is wrong, Jack.
320
00:11:34,993 --> 00:11:37,745
Lemon, I cannot go to another
business school reunion
321
00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:40,998
and sit at the non-CEO table

with the...
322
00:11:41,032 --> 00:11:42,716
Women and nice men.
323
00:11:42,751 --> 00:11:44,885
You're right, Lemon, the clock
is ticking for both of us,
324
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,588
but if I pull this off,
it's good for you too.
325
00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:50,874
You've never worked at a
properly-managed company before.
326
00:11:50,892 --> 00:11:52,176
That's true.
327
00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,727
Before this, I ran
an all-women's theater company.
328
00:11:53,762 --> 00:11:56,547
- Everyone was vice-president.
- Think of the job stability.
329
00:11:56,565 --> 00:12:00,217
Less stress, a commissary
that has taco Tuesdays again.
330
00:12:00,235 --> 00:12:03,270
After seven years,
you'll finally have a life.
331
00:12:03,321 --> 00:12:04,321
And what if your plan
doesn't work?
332
00:12:04,356 --> 00:12:05,940
Of course, it's a risk,
333
00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:08,409
but sometimes your only choice
is to blow everything up
334

00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:11,195

and build something better
out of the rubble.
335
00:12:11,229 --> 00:12:13,948
Look at Sherman's
march to the sea.
336
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,617
Or what my good friend bane
tried to do to Gotham.
337
00:12:16,668 --> 00:12:17,701
Join me, Lemon.
338
00:12:17,735 --> 00:12:19,170
Help me tank NBC.
339
00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:22,957
Never. You're playing
with peoples' lives here.
340
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:24,074
Who do you think you are?
341
00:12:24,092 --> 00:12:26,410
God, we're ready for you.
342
00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:34,351
If there is one thing
I have realized from being God,
343
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,936
it's that the more you know,
344
00:12:35,971 --> 00:12:38,556
the more you realize
you do not...
345
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:39,557
Know.
346
00:12:39,591 --> 00:12:40,858
Why is he
learning anything?
347
00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:42,726

He's supposed to be God.

[Knock on door]
348
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,479
[Gasps, turns off TV]
349
00:12:45,530 --> 00:12:47,698
Now, don't embarrass me.
350
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,438
Tracy!
Welcome to our home.
351
00:12:54,456 --> 00:12:55,823
Well, it's not
technically a home,
352
00:12:55,874 --> 00:12:57,941
because no one's
supposed to be living here,
353
00:12:57,959 --> 00:13:01,412
but welcome to our condemned
site of the Candyman murders.
354
00:13:01,446 --> 00:13:04,465
Will you put this in the oven
at about 200 degrees?
355
00:13:04,499 --> 00:13:06,133
My snake should be
very comfortable
356
00:13:06,168 --> 00:13:07,451
while she gives birth.
357
00:13:07,469 --> 00:13:09,720
Oh.
358
00:13:09,754 --> 00:13:14,141
Mr. Jordan, please help
yourself to some appetizers.
359
00:13:15,793 --> 00:13:19,096
Thank you.
Your home is terrible.
360

00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:21,131

Shall we conversation?
361
00:13:21,149 --> 00:13:23,234
- Yes. We're having weather.
- Much weather.
362
00:13:23,268 --> 00:13:25,802
So speaking
of your movie studio...
363
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:28,138
This conversation
has a real flow to it.
364
00:13:28,156 --> 00:13:30,608
Do you ever have
any roles for white women
365
00:13:30,642 --> 00:13:33,010
who've been described
by the <i>Hollywood reporter</i>
366
00:13:33,028 --> 00:13:36,847
as "some lady" who ruined
the premiere of <i>Paranorman?</i>
367
00:13:36,865 --> 00:13:39,516
Oh, I always have one white
person in all of my movies.
368
00:13:39,534 --> 00:13:40,784
We have to have a villain.
369
00:13:40,819 --> 00:13:42,620
Oh, and who's worse
than us whites, right?
370
00:13:42,654 --> 00:13:46,123
I mean, look at slavery.
That was bananas.
371
00:13:46,157 --> 00:13:47,958
[Laughter]
[Clattering]
372
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:51,361
Oh, that sturgeon

just will not die.

373
00:13:51,379 --> 00:13:54,298
Excuse me a moment.
374
00:13:54,332 --> 00:13:56,166
Oh, I also do accents.
375
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,503
[Asian accent]
Oh, me a cockney person.
376
00:13:59,537 --> 00:14:02,006
This is your Uncle Bob?
377
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,208
[Laughs]
378
00:14:07,345 --> 00:14:09,730
Oh, Liz.
F.Y.I.
379
00:14:09,764 --> 00:14:11,815
Paul's family dog
is gonna be the ring bearer.
380
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:15,185
Zoltan is an 18-year-old
German Shepherd who cannot walk.
381
00:14:15,219 --> 00:14:16,520
So you're gonna be
in charge of him.
382
00:14:16,554 --> 00:14:17,521
No, Jenna,
I'm allergic to dogs.
383
00:14:17,555 --> 00:14:18,889
Oh, don't worry.
384
00:14:18,907 --> 00:14:21,358
He's hairless because
of his insanity medication.
385
00:14:21,392 --> 00:14:25,162
Also, since this is

a surprise wedding,
386
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:26,396
you're gonna want
to carry around
387
00:14:26,414 --> 00:14:28,065
your bridesmaid's dress
with you at all times.
388
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:31,068
Look how great this is
gonna look next to me.
389
00:14:31,086 --> 00:14:32,419
You know I can't
wear green, Jenna.
390
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,623
The clinique lady says
I have witch undertones.
391
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:36,924
Liz,
this isn't about you.
392
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,009
Now, tonight, we have
a tasting with the caterer.
393
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,127
It's gonna be
molecular gastronomy.
394
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:43,013
The cake
is a tasteless foam.
395
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,515
[Deep voice]
There's no cake?
396
00:14:44,549 --> 00:14:45,849
Tonight on NBC...
397
00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,051
<i>Tank it,</i>

398
00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,585
the reality event
of the year
399
00:14:48,603 --> 00:14:50,087
where we make grandpas
put on tank tops
400
00:14:50,105 --> 00:14:52,189
and then laugh at them.
401
00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:53,641
<i>Tank it.</i>
402
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:56,527
You know what?
I can't do anything tonight.
403
00:14:56,561 --> 00:15:01,264
Because tonight is your surprise
bachelorette party! Aah!
404
00:15:01,283 --> 00:15:03,600
Aah! No way!
You planned it already?
405
00:15:03,618 --> 00:15:06,570
Sure. And you should
get your hopes way up.
406
00:15:06,604 --> 00:15:08,238
See you at my apartment
at 8:00.
407
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,157
Your apartment?
Why?
408
00:15:10,208 --> 00:15:12,275
It's a surprise.
409
00:15:12,294 --> 00:15:14,828
And there's nothing worse
than a surprise Lemon party.
410
00:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,543
Kenneth,

darling,
411
00:15:26,583 --> 00:15:28,691
why don't you run out
and get dessert?
412
00:15:28,697 --> 00:15:31,666
Oh, but we have
government ice cream.
413
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,202
And that's what you're
gonna serve to Tracy Jordan?
414
00:15:34,220 --> 00:15:36,137
I'm as shocked
as anybody.
415
00:15:36,172 --> 00:15:38,757
Oh, uh, okay.
416
00:15:38,808 --> 00:15:40,008
Oh, maybe the nice
vending machine
417
00:15:40,042 --> 00:15:42,594
at the prison
is working again.
418
00:15:45,881 --> 00:15:47,098
You're a real man,
Tracy Jordan,
419
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:48,316
playing it cool all night
420
00:15:48,351 --> 00:15:50,485
while I rubbed your foot
under the table.
421
00:15:50,519 --> 00:15:51,987
My foot?
422
00:15:52,021 --> 00:15:54,072
No.
That's shoe stuffing.
423

00:15:54,106 --> 00:15:56,441

It helps keep
the shape of my shoes.
424
00:15:56,492 --> 00:15:59,194
Why was you
rubbing my foot anyway?
425
00:16:01,747 --> 00:16:03,031
Please.
426
00:16:03,065 --> 00:16:05,000
You know
what's happening here.
427
00:16:05,034 --> 00:16:08,119
I never know
what's happening anywhere.
428
00:16:08,170 --> 00:16:09,838
[Giggling]
429
00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:13,041
Okay, let's get
this party started!
430
00:16:13,075 --> 00:16:16,928
Ooh, I smell Italian guys.
431
00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:19,714
What is this?
432
00:16:19,748 --> 00:16:21,082
It's your
bachelorette party.
433
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,251
Bethany from work is here,
and a bunch of my neighbors,
434
00:16:23,269 --> 00:16:24,636
a clown.
435
00:16:24,687 --> 00:16:27,255
And there's
a <i>God cop</i> marathon on NBC.
436

00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:28,440

I think Esposito
lied to us.
437
00:16:28,474 --> 00:16:30,976
What do you mean "you think"?
You're God!
438
00:16:31,027 --> 00:16:32,811
I don't understand
the rules of this.
439
00:16:32,862 --> 00:16:34,529
Let us pray.
440
00:16:34,563 --> 00:16:36,398
To whom?
441
00:16:36,432 --> 00:16:37,482
Before you say anything,
442
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,484
I have one more
surprise for you.
443
00:16:39,535 --> 00:16:42,404
Officer, we're ready!
444
00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:45,440
Oh, thank God.
445
00:16:45,458 --> 00:16:47,909
Listen up, ladies.
You're all in a lot of trouble
446
00:16:47,943 --> 00:16:51,112
if you don't protect yourselves
against identity theft.
447
00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:53,281
Please take a pamphlet,
pass them along.
448
00:16:53,299 --> 00:16:55,583
Okay, you're upset.
449
00:16:55,617 --> 00:16:56,835

But this is what you get

450
00:16:56,886 --> 00:16:59,054
when you choose Liz Lemon
as your maid of honor.
451
00:16:59,088 --> 00:17:00,839
Oh, so let's
get this over with.
452
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:03,791
I mean, what's the worst
you could possibly...
453
00:17:03,809 --> 00:17:06,511
- Aah!
- [Screams]
454
00:17:06,562 --> 00:17:08,930
Tracy,
I will do anything
455
00:17:08,964 --> 00:17:11,850
to play a villain
in one of your movies.
456
00:17:11,901 --> 00:17:13,601
The camera loves me.
457
00:17:13,635 --> 00:17:16,855
Especially
when I flash my baby blues.
458
00:17:16,906 --> 00:17:18,639
Why are they blue?
459
00:17:18,658 --> 00:17:20,075
- Yeah.
- No.
460
00:17:20,109 --> 00:17:21,609
I'm married, Hazel.
461
00:17:21,643 --> 00:17:22,977
So am I.
462
00:17:22,995 --> 00:17:25,447

And if he ever wakes up

from that coma, I'm dead!
463
00:17:25,481 --> 00:17:27,815
That's why
I live for today.
464
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:30,785
You're just using Kenneth,
and I'm telling him everything!
465
00:17:30,819 --> 00:17:33,588
Whatever.
Go ahead and try.
466
00:17:33,622 --> 00:17:35,340
I'm gonna have to try?
467
00:17:35,374 --> 00:17:38,593
Worst night ever!
468
00:17:38,627 --> 00:17:40,011
[Crash]
469
00:17:40,046 --> 00:17:41,329
Just ask one of your famous
friends to be maid of honor!
470
00:17:41,347 --> 00:17:43,598
Why do you think I asked you
in the first place?
471
00:17:43,632 --> 00:17:45,666
Because you're not famous!
472
00:17:45,685 --> 00:17:47,719
You think I want
someone up there with me
473
00:17:47,770 --> 00:17:49,054
that other people
are looking at?
474
00:17:49,105 --> 00:17:50,338
I wanted you
because you're nothing!
475

00:17:50,356 --> 00:17:51,606

[Glass breaks]
[Screams]
476
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:52,840
Yeah, I get it.
477
00:17:52,858 --> 00:17:54,309
You didn't want
to get Pippa Middleton.
478
00:17:54,343 --> 00:17:56,811
Why would you
even mention her?
479
00:17:56,845 --> 00:17:58,980
[Crash]
480
00:17:59,014 --> 00:18:02,517
Who's gonna be
my maid of honor now, Liz?
481
00:18:02,535 --> 00:18:03,568
Nobody.
482
00:18:03,619 --> 00:18:06,287
From the rubble,
I will build.
483
00:18:06,322 --> 00:18:08,656
Are you talking about me
underneath your breath?
484
00:18:08,690 --> 00:18:10,024
Jenna, that's it.
485
00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:11,826
Nobody will be
your maid of honor
486
00:18:11,860 --> 00:18:13,495
because there's only
one person who can be.
487
00:18:13,529 --> 00:18:14,695
You.
488

00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:17,165

- What? That's crazy.
- Think about it.
489
00:18:17,199 --> 00:18:19,167
There would be nobody
to steal your spotlight.
490
00:18:19,201 --> 00:18:22,754
In fact, you would
have two spotlights.
491
00:18:22,805 --> 00:18:26,307
I think the maid of honor
should sing at my wedding.
492
00:18:26,342 --> 00:18:27,708
Sure.
493
00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:29,427
And she could do a fashion
show that takes the audience
494
00:18:29,478 --> 00:18:31,045
all the way through
the wedding night.
495
00:18:31,063 --> 00:18:32,514
And what if she came in
in a wheelchair,
496
00:18:32,548 --> 00:18:37,102
and then stood up, and everyone
applauded and cried?
497
00:18:37,153 --> 00:18:40,021
I know you doubted me, but now
you see my plan could work.
498
00:18:40,055 --> 00:18:42,824
So what do you say?
499
00:18:42,858 --> 00:18:44,225
Are you on board, Liz?
500
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,660
You just called me Liz!

501
00:18:45,694 --> 00:18:47,162
Oh, we can fix that
in the cutting room.
502
00:18:47,196 --> 00:18:48,696
Uh, Jonathan...
503
00:18:48,730 --> 00:18:50,865
Where's my car?
504
00:18:55,204 --> 00:18:59,841
Kenneth, I have something
I need to tell you.
505
00:18:59,875 --> 00:19:03,011
Last night when you left,
Hazel came on to me
506
00:19:03,045 --> 00:19:04,629
'cause she wants me
to put her in a movie.
507
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,747
Hazel, is this true?
508
00:19:06,766 --> 00:19:09,467
Yeah, it is true.
509
00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:10,585
Not!
510
00:19:10,603 --> 00:19:11,919
What I said was
511
00:19:11,937 --> 00:19:14,522
I would never sleep with Tracy
for a part in a movie.
512
00:19:14,557 --> 00:19:17,308
Oh, please, you would love for
me to fall asleep on top of you.
513
00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:18,893
Come on,
Kenmore washers and dryers,
514

00:19:18,928 --> 00:19:20,695

who you gonna believe here?
515
00:19:20,729 --> 00:19:23,264
- My best friend.
- Not really.
516
00:19:23,282 --> 00:19:25,766
- And my girlfriend.
- You wish.
517
00:19:25,785 --> 00:19:27,768
Well, I always
believe you, sir,
518
00:19:27,787 --> 00:19:29,320
because you're on television.
519
00:19:29,371 --> 00:19:31,706
And webisodes.
520
00:19:31,740 --> 00:19:33,708
But yesterday you told me
our women are queens,
521
00:19:33,742 --> 00:19:34,942
and they're always right,
522
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,213
which means I should
believe Hazel.
523
00:19:38,247 --> 00:19:40,782
But that would make you wrong,
Mr. Jordan.
524
00:19:40,816 --> 00:19:43,418
And you've never been wrong
about anything before.
525
00:19:43,452 --> 00:19:45,253
It's a blessing
and a purse.
526
00:19:45,287 --> 00:19:48,640
You can't both be right.
527

00:19:52,895 --> 00:19:55,230

Unless Hazel
is always right.
528
00:19:55,264 --> 00:19:58,299
But only because you said so,
Mr. Jordan,
529
00:19:58,317 --> 00:20:01,603
which means
you're right too.
530
00:20:01,637 --> 00:20:05,273
And both sides being right
is like kissing your sister.
531
00:20:05,307 --> 00:20:08,276
A wonderful treat!
532
00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:09,744
[Laughs]
533
00:20:09,778 --> 00:20:11,246
Bad move, Jordan.
534
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,481
We'll see who's still
working here in six months.
535
00:20:13,499 --> 00:20:16,034
My hearing is bad
because of firecrackers,
536
00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:19,037
but we'll see who's still
working here in six months.
537
00:20:19,088 --> 00:20:21,489
- That's what I just said.
- What?
538
00:20:21,507 --> 00:20:22,874
Okay, I get it.
539
00:20:22,925 --> 00:20:24,659
Sometimes tanking it
is the only option.

540
00:20:24,677 --> 00:20:26,094
What did you do?
541
00:20:26,128 --> 00:20:29,597
Fake a sprained ankle to get
out of that breast health 5k?
542
00:20:29,632 --> 00:20:30,831
No, I did that.
543
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,500
I forgot my sports bra,
so ironically...
544
00:20:32,518 --> 00:20:33,801
Uh, it doesn't matter,
Lemon.
545
00:20:33,835 --> 00:20:36,521
I'm just glad
that you've seen the light.
546
00:20:36,555 --> 00:20:40,975
Now, help me tank NBC,
and you'll be helping yourself.
547
00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:42,227
You'll have it all.
548
00:20:42,278 --> 00:20:44,395
Jack, it's 9:30
in the morning.
549
00:20:44,446 --> 00:20:46,981
We're not trying to do
a good job here, Lemon.
550
00:20:47,015 --> 00:20:48,116
Now, what do you say?
551
00:20:48,150 --> 00:20:51,686
Are you in?
552
00:20:51,704 --> 00:20:53,621
Let's take
this mother down.

553
00:21:00,658 --> 00:21:02,742
- Next word, "sent."
- I don't care.
554
00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,282
Okay, "cent" like a penny.
Whatever.
555
00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:06,733
No! Sorry, no.
556
00:21:06,751 --> 00:21:09,502
Oh, it's a homonym
double down.
557
00:21:09,537 --> 00:21:10,754
Means you
get to guess again.
558
00:21:10,788 --> 00:21:11,788
- "Sent."
- Okay, um...
559
00:21:11,839 --> 00:21:15,125
Then "scent"
like a smell or an odor.
560
00:21:15,176 --> 00:21:17,010
No. It's the third one.
561
00:21:17,044 --> 00:21:18,578
[Bleep] Yourself!
562
00:21:18,596 --> 00:21:20,413
Next word is "au pere."
563
00:21:20,431 --> 00:21:21,965
What? There is only
one definition.
564
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:23,583
It's like a nanny,
a foreign nanny.
565
00:21:23,601 --> 00:21:24,751
No! You forgot.

566
00:21:24,769 --> 00:21:26,436
It could also be an exclamation
about a fruit,
567
00:21:26,470 --> 00:21:28,305
as in, "oh, pear!"
568
00:21:28,356 --> 00:21:30,190
What you are doing here
is not right!
569
00:21:30,224 --> 00:21:32,525
I'm... I'm leaving.
[Laughs]
570
00:21:34,269 --> 00:21:39,269
Sync, corrections by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com