6/13/2014 About Last Night: Let the Ol Ol Ol Ol Begin

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ABOUT LAST NIGHT
About Last Night: Let the Ol Ol Ol Ol Begin
In case you were busy thinking way harder than anyone should about Mariners catcher
Jesus Monteros return to the major leagues, here are the top four stories you missed in
sports on Thursday.
BY SPIKE FRIEDMAN ON JUNE 13, 2014
In case you were busy thinking way harder than anyone should about Mariners catcher Jesus Monteros return
to the major leagues, here are the top four stories you missed in sports on Thursday:
In WORLD CUP! THE WORLD CUP IS HERE! YES!
Brazilian superstar Neymar scored two goals as Brazil leveraged a questionable penalty to fight off Croatia, 3-
1, in the opening game of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. And when I say questionable penalty, Im referring to
this:
6/13/2014 About Last Night: Let the Ol Ol Ol Ol Begin
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Questions that arise from this penalty include: Does the official know what the rules related to penalties are?
Is this a joke? Does the official in question know how hard it is to convince my friends that diving in soccer
doesnt ruin the game? Is this a joke? How does one hide the amount of money that the official had to receive
in order to call that penalty? Seriously, is this a joke?
Before moving on, lets take a second to quickly highlight the best and worst of the first day of the World Cup.
The best: Neymar living up to sky-high expectations; Oscars passing; Luka Modrics dribbling; Croatias
jerseys; deciding that Croatia manager Niko Kovac should have played old Joseph Gordon-Levitt in Looper
instead of Bruce Willis; the prematch atmosphere in So Paulo; the fact that some dude on Croatia is named
Brozovic; realizing there is a whole month of the World Cup to come.
The worst: That penalty; Croatian goalkeeper Stipe Pletikosa letting in three soft goals while superior option
Danijel Subasic languished on the bench for sentimental reasons; Hulk playing like Bruce Banner; Brazils
full-backs Marcelo and Dani Alves forgetting that full-backs have to play some defense; the absence of Croatia
striker Mario Mandzukic, who would have been capable of pressing Croatias advantage after it grabbed a
shocking early lead; the faulty electrical system at the only somewhat completed stadium; seriously, that
penalty; the play of that dude named Brozovic; realizing there is only one more month of the World Cup for
the next four years.
In not-at-all-boring basketball:
The San Antonio Spurs continued to play team basketball better than anyone has done anything since
Rembrandt circa 1640, moving a game away from winning the NBA Finals with a 107-86 win over LeBron
James and the Miami Heat. The Spurs are so in sync, Im envious. Its like theyre finishing each others
James said in his postgame press conference. As James waited silently, Dwyane Wade stared at him, confused
as to why his teammate had stopped. After an awkward moment passed, Spurs forward Tim Duncan poked his
head in and said, sentences, as James stared down Wade.
6/13/2014 About Last Night: Let the Ol Ol Ol Ol Begin
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In not-at-all-boring golf:
Martin Kaymer shot a five-under 65 at Pinehurst to open up an early three-stroke lead at the U.S. Open.
However, the big news of the day became the USGAs grouping of overweight golfers Kevin Stadler, Brendon
de Jonge, and Shane Lowry. When asked if the grouping was meant to highlight peoples criticisms of golf as
less than a sport, or if it was just an attempt to demean a trio of the games best players, USGA managing
director of rules and competitions Jeff Hall said, No, its just a joke. We were just finding a new way to keep
the old golf tradition of categorizing people by physical appearances and oh. Oh. Yeah. I see the mistake
we made. Oh boy. Hall then let out the deep sigh of a man who just had the trajectory of his life changed by
something he had not thought all the way through, and said, Oh boy. This is a thing now, isnt it? Yeah, it is.
Oh boy.
In first times for everything:
Reigning Cy Young winner Max Scherzer recorded the first complete game of his career, as he and Detroit
outdueled Chris Sale and the White Sox in a 4-0 win. Oh god, said Scherzer after the game as a light
embedded in his arm began to flash. I knew there was a reason not to throw a complete game. Tell no one
which way Ive gone. Scherzer then bolted from his teams locker room, just as Dr. James Andrews walked
silently in, carrying an array of surgical instruments. A runner? Good, Dr. Andrews said as he surveyed the
room. The hunt was on. The result, though, was inevitable.