13/5/2014 The Fiery Wooing of Mordred

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THE FIERY WOOING OF MORDRED
A Mr. Mulliner story featuring his nephew Mordred.
You will know of Wodehouse's tongue-in-cheek titling of this story at the end. The fiery wooing of Mr.
Mulliner's nephew was certainly ablaze.
It begins in a dentist's office when Mordred awaited the calling of his name the way a Death Row
inmate awaits his calling. A young woman in the waiting room acts worried and when Mordred inquires
why, she replies that she is only in London from the country for a short spell and hoped to do some
shopping. The wait for the dentist was taking so much time that it was apparent she would miss
shopping and have to return home on the train.
Mordred introduces himself and does his gentlemanly duty, giving her his place on the waiting list. He
accented this by absent-mindedly throwing his smoldering cigarette butt into the waste basket filled
with loose papers. When the young lady, Annabelle Sprocket-Sprocket, screams as fire and smoke
emits from the basket, Mordred puts out the fire, apologizing that he is extremely easily diverted and
has done this before, almost burning down various apartment houses.
They part on casual terms and it is to his amazement when Mordred gets home the next day to find a
wire from Annabelle's mother thanking him for his kindness to her daughter and inviting him up to their
estate, Smattering Hall, Worcestershire, for a weekend stay.
Taken by the young woman's beauty, Mordred of course hurries up to Smattering Hall, where he is
taken to his room and shown he has everything at his disposal, including two boxes of cigarettes,
Turkish and Domestic, on the writing table where there is plenty of paper in case he feels he needs to
write something.
It is some time later that Mordred discovers that there are other men staying for the weekend as well.
They are, he finds, men of courageous natures, such as big game hunters, explorers, race car drivers,
and a tennis champion. Mordred gulped hard at this bevy of competitors for Annabelle's affections.
Mordred rather withheld telling of his courageous nature, viz. that of the being able to write a mean set
of poetic stanzas. In fact, he went to his room to use the writing table to compose a poem to
Annabelle. He lit one of the cigarettes they supplied him with and began composing. He started and
started the poem, but could not get it right. He wadded up each failing start and threw it in the waste
basket, which now filled up with paper. He stood up and walked to the window, throwing his cigarette
butt into the waste basket.
As he gazed out the window and tried to come up with words that rhyme with "love," a familiar smell
caught his nose. This was the smell of the waste basket now on fire with a blaze that caused Mordred
to raise the window, stick his head out and yell "Fire!"
Outside the house another window shot up and Captain Biffing yelled "What?" Some confusion ensued
until Mordred could get Biffing to understand that there was a fire in his, Mordred's, room. The heroic
Biffing took charge, gathering the other adventurous men in a water brigade that put out the fire.
Mordred was relieved, but he noted not such a emotion on the faces of Sir Murgatroyd and Lady
Sprockett-Sprockett, as well as Annabelle. Their faces reflected rather an air of disappointment.
Everyone went back to their bedrooms. All except Mordred. His room was a ruined holocaust of ashes,
scattered pieces of burnt poetry, and water-logged furniture. He went down to the library and lay down
on the sofa facing the French doors.
It was not long that the door to the library opened and Sir Murgatroyd and Lady Sprockett-Sprockett,
and Annabelle, entered. The back of the sofa faced them, so Mordred was hidden from view as they
spoke. They were extremely disappointed that the fire Mordred had caused did not level Smattering
Hall to the ground. They were even more disgusted with the heroic chaps who saw fit to butt in and put
out the fire.
Mordred now knew that the one thing they wanted was to get rid of this money-taking monstrosity and
use the insurance money to move to London and live among the delights of the city.
Sir Murgatroyd informed Annabelle that if she thought she was going to have any more to do with the
13/5/2014 The Fiery Wooing of Mordred
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heroic chaps, those officious meddlers, that she had another think coming. Annabelle replied that this
was impossible as she, deep down, found she loved Mordred.
At this cue, Mordred popped up from his sofa and yelled "Hi!" He asked Annabelle if it were true she
loved him, and she replied Yes. Mordred then informed Sir Murgatroyd that he (Sir M.) would indeed be
living in the city soon, because he (Mordred) would take another stab at creating a fire and this time
make a good job of it. He asked if they had any paraffin (kerosene). Annabelle replied that the cellar
was full of it. She also remarked that he might like to see the wealth of wood shavings and scrap paper
that was located there.
Hand-in-hand, Mordred and Annabelle left the room so that she could direct him to the cellar and leave
him to his duties.