Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari

Anger Management


2 Anger Management






Anger
Management



Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari










3 Anger Management

Be quick in the race for forgiveness from your

Lord, and for a Garden whose width is that (of
the whole) of the heavens and of the earth,
prepared for the righteous.
Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity,
or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon
(all) men;- for Allah loves those who do good;
(Quran: Chapter 3:133&134)










4 Anger Management
Preface

A long time ago, I was working with a well
known textile company of Pakistan. A coaching
program was started there and I was asked to
deliver a lecture on Anger Management in a
training session. I was surprised to get this
topic as it was not related to my field, but still I
accepted that. I am fond of reading books and
I have read some books on psychology, I
recalled them to my mind and drawn a layout,
then visited some websites, read books and
articles on said topic. Soon, I had enough
material to prepare a lecture on Anger
Management. I delivered the lecture. People
liked it very much and appreciated me a lot.
The feed-back of that lecture was more
surprising for me. Many people contacted me
and said that they had big positive change in
their mood after that lecture. I, myself, found
me more comfortable and easy to handle the
things which were difficult to deal before
preparation of this subject.
A few weeks later, I was asked by the
company to deliver that lecture again as it had
very good impacts on the overall behaviour of
the team. Thus, I spoke once again but with
more preparation this time. People liked the
lecture as usual, some of them contacted me


5 Anger Management
and asked for a copy of lecture. Soon I felt that
I will have to get a lot of prints of my work for
them. I, therefore, decided to compile my
work on Anger Management in book form.
The book, you have before your eyes at this
time, is that work.



Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari,
Faisalabad. Pakistan

May 11, 2005














6 Anger Management
ANGER
Anger
Anger is a completely normal and healthy,
human emotion which may be a momentary
annoyance or as full-fledged temper.
According to the American Psychological
Association, "Anger is a completely normal,
usually healthy, human emotion."
However, when it gets out of control it can
become destructive. Uncontrollable anger can
lead to serious problems at work and in
personal relationships, and may undermine the
individual's overall quality of life.

Anger is a natural emotion
Anger is not just a mental state of mind. It
causes an increase in heartbeat rate, blood
pressure and levels of Adrenaline and
Noradrenaline
1
. Anger has lifesaving benefits
as it forms part of our fight or flight brain
response to a perceived threat or harm.

1
A hormone that is produced naturally by the body


7 Anger Management
The Mental Health Foundation, a UK charity,
says that anger is one of the most basic human
emotions. Experts say anger is a primary,
natural emotion with functional survival value,
which we all experience from time to time. The
raised heart rate, blood pressure, and release
of hormones prepare us physically for remedial
action - which is either to fight or run away at
top speed (fight or flight).

When an animal or a human notice a threat
and decides to take an action to prevent it, it is
the anger that usually takes over his
behaviour, cognition
2
and physiology.

It is generally observed that humans as well as
animals express their anger by making loud
sounds, baring teeth, looking intently and
making unusual postures as a warning to
perceived aggressors to prevent their
threatening behaviours. It is rare if a physical
attack occurs without these symptoms of anger
appearing first. In case of animals, it is
observed that if a stranger approaches baby
pets, their mother will most likely growl, bare

2
A process by which the sensory input is transformed,
reduced, elaborated, stored, recovered, and used


8 Anger Management
her teeth and adopt a defensive or ready-to-
attack posture, rather than attack silently.

If you encroach into the farm of a farmer, his
attitude may be the same; he will have hostile
voice, aggressive gestures and unfriendly body
language.

Instinctively, anger may surge in humans as
well as animals to protect territory, offspring
and family members, secure mating privileges,
prevent loss of possessions, and many other
perceived threats.

Anger Management

Anger is probably the most poorly handled
emotion in our society. From time to time we
all experience this very powerful feeling. It is
helpful to realize that anger can be our friend
or enemy, depending on how we express it.
Knowing how to recognize and express it
appropriately is called the Anger Management.

Anger Management can help us to reach goals,
handle emergencies, solve problems and even
protect our health. However, failure to
recognize and understand our anger may lead
to a variety of problems e.g. problems at work,


9 Anger Management
in our personal relationships and in the overall
quality of life. It can make us feel as though
we are at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion.

The Goal of Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce
both our emotional feelings and the
physiological stimulation that anger causes.
We can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the
people that enrage us, nor can we change
them, but we can learn to control our
reactions.

What Did A Psychologist See?
Mitchell H. Messer is founder and director of
the Anger Institute USA. He conducts Anger
Management workshops across the country. He
has served with the Suicide Prevention Service
of the Mental Health and been a management
consultant. He received his Master's Degree in
Psychology from Roosevelt University and did
advanced work at the Alfred Adler Institute of
Chicago.
He tells, At the Anger Institute, we have seen
the damage that anger can do to relationships
and individuals. We have also seen how this
damage can be completely reversed when


10 Anger Management
people are given the right tools to manage
their anger appropriately.
Mitchell means to say that if people learn to
manage their anger, they can do it
appropriately and can save them from big
losses and damages to their relationship and
lives which are done by anger.

Before learning to manage the anger, we have
to find out the causes of anger.


Causes of Anger
There are many causes of anger. Some
common reasons are as under:

Failure
Failure is the state or condition of not meeting
a desirable or intended objective or failure in
any walk of life such as failure in examination,
in achieving any target, in love etc.

Disappointment
Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction
that follows the failure of expectations or hopes
to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a
person feeling regret focuses primarily on the
personal choices that contributed to a poor
outcome, while a person feeling disappoint-


11 Anger Management
ment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a
source of psychological stress. The study of
disappointmentits causes, impact, and the
degree to which individual decisions are
motivated by a desire to avoid itis a focus in
the field of decision analysis, as disappointment
is one of two primary emotions involved in
decision-making.

Frustration
In psychology, frustration is a common
emotional response to opposition. Related to
anger and disappointment, it arises from the
perceived resistance to the fulfilment of
individual will. The greater the obstruction, and
the greater the will, the more the frustration is
likely to be. Causes of frustration may be


12 Anger Management
internal or external. In people, internal
frustration may arise from challenges in
fulfilling personal goals and desires, instinctual
drives and needs, or dealing with perceived
deficiencies, such as a lack of confidence or
fear of social situations. Conflict can also be an
internal source of frustration; when one has
competing goals that interfere with one
another, it can create cognitive dissonance.
External causes of frustration involve conditions
outside an individual, such as a blocked road or
a difficult task. While coping with frustration,
some individuals may engage in passive
aggressive behaviour, making it difficult to
identify the original cause(s) of their
frustration, as the responses are indirect. A
more direct, and common response, is a
propensity towards aggression.



13 Anger Management



Annoyance and Irritability
Annoyance is an unpleasant mental state that
is characterized by such effects as irritation and
distraction from one's conscious thinking. It
can lead to emotions such as frustration and
anger. The property of being easily annoyed is
called irritability.

Hurting
Distress and mental or emotional suffering is
called hurting.

Harassment
Harassment covers a wide range of behaviours
of an offensive nature. It is commonly
understood as behaviour intended to disturb or
upset, and it is characteristically repetitive. In
the legal sense, it is intentional behaviour
which is found threatening or disturbing.
Sexual harassment refers to persistent and
unwanted sexual advances, typically in the
workplace, where the consequences of refusing
are potentially very disadvantageous to the
victim.




14 Anger Management
Threats
A threat is an act of coercion wherein an act is
proposed to elicit a negative response. It is a
communicated intent to inflict harm or loss on
another person. It can be a crime in many
jurisdictions.

Revenge
The action of hurting or harming someone in
return for an injury or wrong suffered at their
hands.

Expressing Anger
The natural way to express anger is to respond
aggressively. Anger is a natural response to
threats; it motivates powerful, often aggressive
feelings and behaviours which allow us to fight
and to defend ourselves when we are attacked.
A certain amount of anger, therefore, is
necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out
at every person or object that irritates or
annoys us; laws, social norms, and common
sense place limits on how far our anger can
take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and
unconscious processes to deal with their angry
feelings. The three main approaches are:



15 Anger Management
1. Expressing (Communicating)
2. Repressing (Holding back)
3. Calming (Being peaceful)

Expressing
Expressing our angry feelings in an assertive
(not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way
to express anger. To do this, we have to learn
how to make clear what our needs are, and
how to get them met without hurting others.
Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or
demanding; it means being respectful of
ourselves and others.

Repressing
Anger can be repressed or suppressed, and
then converted or redirected. This happens
when we hold in our anger, stop thinking about
it, and focus on something positive. The aim is
to inhibit or suppress our anger and convert it
into more constructive behaviour. The danger
in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed
outward expression, our anger can turn
inwardon ourselves and it may cause
hypertension, high blood pressure, or
depression.





16 Anger Management
Calming
Finally, we can calm down inside. This means
not just controlling our outward behaviour, but
also controlling our internal responses, taking
steps to lower our heart rate, calm ourselves
down, and let the feelings subside.

As Dr. Spiel Berger notes, "When none of these
three techniques work, that's when someone or
something is going to get hurt."
Understanding and Measuring Our Anger
Understanding and measuring the anger is a
big tool to manage it. We can do it by
determining:

1. How am I feeling right now?
The first step in resolving our anger problem is
to identify it as anger. The purpose of this step
is to make our anger more specific.
No one of us can manage the anger which is
indistinguishable.

Discriminations or classifications of our anger
may be as below:



17 Anger Management
Anxious: Anxious, nervous, worried,
restless, and uneasy feeling or showing
worry, nervousness, or unease about
some- thing with an uncertain outcome;
Worthless feeling to have no real value
or use;
Hostile: Hostility and aggressiveness is
seen as form of emotionally-charged
angry behaviour. In everyday speech it
is more commonly used as a synonym
for anger and aggression.
Depressive: Depressed (mood) is a state
of low mood and aversion to activity
that can affect a person's thoughts,
behaviour, feelings and sense of well-
being. Depressed people can feel sad,
anxious, empty, hopeless, worried,
helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt,
or restless. They may lose interest in
activities that once were pleasurable,
experience loss of appetite or
overeating, have problems
concentrating, remembering details, or
making decisions, and may contemplate,
attempt, or commit suicide. Insomnia,
excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of
energy, or aches, pains, or digestive
problems may also be present.
Depressed mood is not always a


18 Anger Management
psychiatric disorder. It may also be a
normal reaction to certain life events, a
symptom of some medical conditions, or
a side effect of some drugs or medical
treatments. Depressed mood is also a
primary or associated feature of certain
psychiatric syndromes such as clinical
depression
Shameful: disgraceful, deplorable, base,
despicable, contemptible, low, mean,
bad, vile, dishonourable, discreditable,
reprehensible, blameworthy, unworthy,
ignoble, shabby, inglorious, infamous,
unprincipled, shocking, scandalous,
outrageous, abominable, atrocious,
appalling, disgusting, odious, sordid,
monstrous, heinous, unspeakable,
loathsome, wicked, immoral, nefarious,
indefensible, inexcusable, unforgivable.
Revengeful
Bitter (harsh)
Rebellious (disobedient)
Paranoid (suspicious)
Victimized (offended / mistreated )
Numb (insensitive)


19 Anger Management
Frustrated (irritated)
Destructive (unhelpful / negative)

2. What happened to make me angry?
If we can focus on the specific incident which
activates our anger, our anger becomes more
understandable and easier to manage.

3. Who am I angry at?
Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity
from mild irritation to intense temper. It can be
caused by both external and internal events. You
could be angry at a specific person such as a co-
worker or supervisor or friend; or at an event like
traffic jam or a cancelled flight, or your anger could
be caused by worrying or brooding about your
personal problems. Memories of hurtful or
unfortunate events can also trigger angry feelings.
Anger usually will involve five general areas.
(1) Our anger at others
(2) Others anger at us
(3) Our anger at self
(4) Residual anger from the past
(5) Abstract (non-figurative / conceptual) anger
We, therefore, have to make it very clear to
who are we angry at?


20 Anger Management
Partner
Friend
Co-workers
Subordinates
Boss
Spouse
Kids
Men
Women
Society
System
Destiny
Own self
Life

We have established now the fact that we are
angry and that our anger has an "object" in the
real world and we are ready for the fourth step
in working through the anger process. We are
ready to factor our anger into its main
components. If we can identify the specific
facets of our anger, we will be in a better
position to put our anger into a more moderate
and more manageable perspective. We can do
this by asking ourselves a series of focusing
questions.



21 Anger Management
4. What about this angers me the most?
For example, we have established the fact that
in the above situation it made us feel
powerless, unappreciated or good for nothing.
We are now ready to take a closer look at
these feelings underlying our anger. What is it
about being made to feel powerless that
angers us the most? Some examples of what
we might find upon deeper analysis are:
"There is nothing that I can do about it."
"I feel so stupid!"
"I feel guilty for allowing it to happen."
"I feel inadequate to cope with this
situation."
This level of self-analysis usually brings us
down to root. Down to the fundamental issue
which be the cause of our weakness to
mismanaging our anger and making our lives
more miserable. The answer found at this level
of self-analysis often turns out to be, "I feel so
worthless and stupid".

It is hard for us to respect someone who is
stupid, helpless, inadequate and powerless!
And when we have those feelings towards our
self, they destroy our respect for our own


22 Anger Management
selves. The final step in managing our anger
consists of replacing this feeling with its
specific solution which is, SELF RESPECT only.

Why Are Some People Angrier Than
Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a
psychologist who specializes in anger
management, some people really are more
hot-headed than others are; they get angry
more easily and more intensely than the
average person does. There are also those who
don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways
but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily
angered people don't always curse and throw
things; sometimes they withdraw socially and
get physically ill.

A number of things make these people this
way. One cause may be genetic or
physiological, as some children are born
irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that
these signs are present from a very early age.
Another may be socio cultural. Anger is often
regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all
right to express anxiety, depression, or other
emotions but not to express anger. As a result,
we don't learn how to handle it or channel it
constructively. Research has also found that


23 Anger Management
family background plays a role. Typically,
people who are easily angered come from
families that are troublesome, disorganized,
and not skilled at emotional communications.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Keeping temper in check can be challenging
but using some simple anger management tips
is helpful to keep the anger at bay.
If you are ready to get your anger under
control, start by considering these anger
management tips.
Take a timeout
Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before
reacting to a tense situation, take a few
moments to breathe deeply and count to 10.
Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If
necessary, take a break from the person or
situation until your frustration subsides a bit.

Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills
to work. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep
breathing and relaxing, can help calm down
angry feelings.


24 Anger Management
Some steps you can try:
Breathe deeply.
Sit if you are standing, lie if sitting.
Take water
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase
such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it
to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagination; visualize a relaxing
experience, from either your memory or
your imagination.
Physical activity can provide an outlet
for your emotions, especially if you're
about to erupt. If you feel your anger
escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or
spend some time doing other favourite
physical activities. Physical activity
stimulates various brain chemicals that
can leave you feeling happier and more
relaxed than you were before you
worked out. Slow yoga-like exercises
can relax your muscles and make you
feel much calmer. Practice these
techniques daily. Learn to use them
automatically when you're in a tense
situation.

Similarly, If you and your spouse tend to
fight when you discuss things at night


25 Anger Management
perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or
maybe it's just habittry changing the
times when you talk about important
matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.
Once you're calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your
frustration in an assertive but non-
confrontational way. State your concerns and
needs clearly and directly, without hurting
others or trying to control them.

Stick with 'I' statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame which
might only increase tension use "I"
statements to describe the problem. Be
respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm
upset that you left the table without offering to
help with the dishes," instead of, "You never
do any housework."
Restructuring
It means changing the way you think.
1) When you're angry, your thinking can get
much embroidered and overly dramatic. Try
replacing these thoughts with more realistic
and logical ones. For instance, instead of telling
yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything


26 Anger Management
is ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's
understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's
not the end of the world and getting angry is
not going to fix it anyhow."
2) Be careful of using words, like "never" or
"always" when talking about yourself or
someone else.
It pushes away and disgraces the people who
might otherwise be willing to work with you on
a solution.
3) Remind yourself that getting angry is not
going to make you feel better. It may actually
make you feel worse.
4) Think that you are just experiencing some of
the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time
you feel anger, it'll help you get a more
balanced viewpoint.

Problem Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are
caused by very real and inescapable problems
in our lives. It is a healthy and natural
response to these difficulties. There is also a
cultural belief that every problem has a
solution, and it adds to our frustration to find
out that solution. This isn't always the case.
The best attitude to bring to such a situation,
then, is not to focus on finding the solution,


27 Anger Management
but rather on how you handle and face the
problem.

Better Communication
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say
something you'll later regret. Think before you
speak, take a few moments to collect your
thoughts before saying anything and allow
others involved in the situation to do the same.
Angry people tend to jump to the conclusions
(ends), and some of those conclusions can be
very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're
in a heated discussion, is to slow down and
think through your responses. Don't say the
first thing that comes into your head, but slow
down and think carefully about what you want
to say. At the same time, listen carefully to
what the other person is saying and take your
time before answering.
It's natural to get defensive when you're
criticized, but don't fight back. Try to
understand the meanings of the words being
delivered to you, instead the words. And be
careful about your words, instead of their
meaning to you. Keeping your cool can keep
the situation from becoming a terrible one.
Coping With Others
Ignore their anger


28 Anger Management
Give them a choice
Agree with them
Develop understanding
Share their problems
Using Humour
"Humour" can help resolve anger. It can help
you get a more balanced perspective
(viewpoint).
There are two cautions in using humour.
First, don't try to just "laugh off" your
problems; rather, use humour to help yourself
face them more constructively.
Second, don't give in to harsh, disrespectful
humour; that's just another form of unhealthy
anger expression.
Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often
accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can
make you laugh.
Remember, lightening up can help diffuse
tension. Don't use sarcasm, though it can
hurt feelings and make things worse.

Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings
that give us cause for irritation and anger.
Problems and responsibilities can make you
feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen


29 Anger Management
into and all the people and things that form
that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have
created some "personal time" for you, from
times of the day that you know are particularly
stressful. One example is the working man who
has a standing rule that when he comes home
from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody
talks to him unless the house is on fire." After
this brief quiet time, he feels better prepared
to handle demands from his wife and kids
without blowing up at them.

Avoidance
If your child's messy room makes you angry
every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't
make yourself look at what make your blood
boil. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up
the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's
not the point. The point is to keep you calm.
Don't hold a grudge
Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow
anger and other negative feelings to crowd out
positive feelings, you might find yourself
swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense
of injustice. But if you can forgive someone
who angered you, you might both learn from


30 Anger Management
the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone
to behave exactly as you want at all times.
Finding alternatives and Identify possible
solutions
If your daily commute through traffic leaves
you in a state of rage and frustration, give
yourself a project, learn or map out a different
route, one that's less congested or more
scenic.
Instead of focusing on what made you mad,
work on resolving the issue at hand. Is your
partner late for dinner every night? Schedule
meals later in the evening or agree to eat on
your own a few times a week. Remind yourself
that anger won't fix anything, and might only
make it worse.
Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for
everyone at times. Consider seeking help for
anger issues if your anger seems out of
control, causes you to do things you regret or
hurts those around you. You might explore
local anger management classes or anger
management counseling. With professional
help, you can:
Learn what anger is


31 Anger Management
Identify what triggers your anger
Recognize signs that you're becoming
angry
Learn to respond to frustration and
anger in a controlled, healthy way
Explore underlying feelings, such as
sadness or depression
Anger management classes and counseling can
be done individually, with your partner or other
family members, or in a group. Request a
referral from your doctor to a counsellor
specializing in anger management, or ask
family members, friends or other contacts for
recommendations. Your health insurer,
employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or
state or local agencies also might offer
recommendations.
Counselling
With counselling, psychologists say, a highly
angry person can move closer to a middle
range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks,
depending on the circumstances and the
techniques used.