The Reel Vagina Monologues

Opening scene

Introduction

The Screen opens up to the strains of 2001 a space odyssey.

A giant paper vagina is revealed on stage. While the music
keeps playing the vagina slowly opens up and a doll that
looks like a baby gets shot out of it. Then after a brief
pause another baby doll shoots out. Then another pause.
Then another baby shoots out. Then a third pause until
another baby fires out. Followed in rapid succession by
dozens of other babies. The stage floor is completely covered
with them. Then we hear the off stage voice of the host of
the show. He is in his fifties and has an English accent.

HOST (O.S.)
Are you done yet maam?

A pause. Then another baby doll flies out.

HOST (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Guess not. Let me know when your
done please.

VAGINA (V.O.)
No problem honey.

HOST (O.S.)
What the...

The babies start coming out again in rapid succession. Then

suddenly they stop.

HOST (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Done yet?

VAGINA (V.O.)
Nope.

Babies start slowly coming out again.

HOST (O.S.)
That is quite some streak you have
going.

VAGINA (V.O.)
Thank you.
The babies stop for a moment.

HOST (O.S.)
Ah is this it?

VAGINA (V.O.)
Not done yet.
 2.

We hear what sounds like a stomach rumbling. More babies

shoot out at different intervals.

HOST (O.S.)
So you think that the Cubs have a
chance this year? Or is it just
going to be more of the same old
futility?

VAGINA (V.O.)
How should I know? I'm a giant
talking vagina. Not a magic eight
ball.

HOST (O.S.)
Yes you are. Yes you are.

VAGINA (V.O.)
Watch it! I have friends in high
places.

HOST (O.S.)
Bill Clinton?

VAGINA (V.O.)
How did you know?

HOST (O.S.)
He's a friend to all vaginas.

VAGINA (V.O.)
So true. So true.

HOST (O.S.)
A good friend.

VAGINA (V.O.)
Well just be glad I'm not a giant
asshole. Imagine what the stage
would be covered with right now.
Plus what it would smell like.
HOST (O.S.)
Instead of summer rain.

A stage hand with a garden hose on top of a ladder appears

over looking the top of the giant vagina. The stage hands
begins to shower down a fine misty spray of water on the
babies.
VAGINA (V.O.)
Was that a crack at me?

STAGE HAND
You? A crack?

The stage hand begins to laugh uncontrollably until he falls

off of the ladder and disappears from view.
 3.

VAGINA (V.O.)
You? A hospital patient?

We hear a loud groan of pain from the fallen stage hand.

Then the vagina begins to loudly laugh. The hosts walks out
from behind the paper vagina toward the front of the stage.
A couple more baby dolls shoot out of the vagina. The host
let's out an exasperated sigh as he is hit in the head and
back by a couple of flying babies. The host lets out another
sigh as two medics carrying a stretcher come on stage and
bump in to him as they head behind the paper vagina.

HOST
So does any one else want to take a
shot at me?

He walks right up to the edge of the stage and points at an

old lady in the audience. Then another one.

HOST (CONT'D)
Come on lady. You want a piece of
me?

The stretcher bearers come out from behind the giant vagina
carrying the injured stagehand. They bump in to the host
again on the way off stage. He spins completely around and
then looks at the audience. Then he threatens another old
lady.

HOST (CONT'D)
How about you lady? Can you take a
punch? Give one out?

A couple more babies come out of the vagina and hit him in
the back of the head.

HOST (CONT'D)
I think I'm just going to take my
balls and go home.

VAGINA (O.S.)
Please don't leave.

HOST
Okay. Now it's time to really begin
our show. Fun. Excitement. Plus a
complete history of the vagina. If
you already know the story. Please
don't tell the person sitting next
to you.

The curtain comes down as the scene ends.

The curtain comes up and a group of dancing ladies come out

on stage. They are dressed in spangled top hats and tails.
The dancers are carrying white canes that they twirl around
as they tap dance around the stage. The hosts walks out on
stage and takes his place in front of the dancing girls.
 4.

They purposely annoy him with their canes and dancing until
he gets very angry.

HOST (CONT'D)
Alright all ready. Enough of this
tomfoolery! First a giant talking
vagina!

VAGINA (O.S.)
I'll be back.

HOST
Then flying babies. Falling stage
hands. Clumsy stretcher bearers and
now these junior grade rocketts.
Plus you crazy grannies in the
audience. Don't think I haven't
forgotten about you! I have had
enough. I am a professional host
and I have just had enough. I quit.

The host turns and starts to storm off stage. Until he is

met by a pack of seven lawyers dressed in serious looking
dark suits. They block his path off stage. The older lead
attorney loudly clears his throat and one of the six junior
attorneys hands the host some papers. He begins to read
them.

LEAD ATTORNEY
It states on your employment contract
that if you willfully...

The lead attorney looks up and stares seriously at the host

over his reading glasses. The junior attorneys back his
words up like a Greek chorus..

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Willfully. Yes willfully.

LEAD ATTORNEY
If you willfully forfeit your
employment.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Yes willfully forfeit your employment!
The juniors shake their fingers at him.

LEAD ATTORNEY
You will forfeit everything.

HOST
Everything?
JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Yes everything.
 5.

HOST
Oh will you shut up.

The host moves closer and whispers to the lead attorney.

Who then whispers back. They "whisper" loud enough for the
audience to hear.

HOST (CONT'D)
Everything?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Yes everything.

HOST
The evenings with Misty and Christy?

LEAD ATTORNEY
No evenings with Misty and Christy.

HOST
No long nights with Anna and Hannah?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Especially no nights with Anna and
Hannah!

HOST
Oh my dear sweet banana!

The host looks shocked and backs away from the lead attorney.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Plus your luxury apartment. Your
private limousine. Your gourmet
meals and your free silk underwear.
Boxers not briefs I believe.

HOST
All gone?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Everything.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Everything. Everything.
LEAD ATTORNEY
Everything!

HOST
Hmm. Well in that case I must
reconsider. How can I deprive this
wonderful audience out of so much
joy. Except for you two old trouble
makers. They must see the rest of
the show. Because I am a still a
highly paid professional correct?
 6.

The junior attorneys hand the lead attorney some paperwork.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Yes. Unfortunately it seems so.

HOST
Then as they say in show business.
The show must go on! Ladies and
gentlemen. The Reel Vagina Monologues
presents chapter one. Called playing
doctor.

Playing doctor.

A man dressed like a doctor in a white lab coat with a

stethoscope around his neck walks on stage. He is followed
by a sexy girl in a tight low cut nurses uniform. The hosts
shakes his head at them.

HOST (CONT'D)
Think younger. Innocent. Like when
you were a little boy and you first
got an inkling that girls were built
a little bit differently from you.
Then you got together with the girl
next store to compare notes. Or
parts.

Another man and women walk on stage dressed as little kids.

HOST (CONT'D)
That's more like it.

The host exits.

MAN-BOY
Hi Gina!

WOMEN-GIRL
Hi Tim.

MAN-BOY
How's your sister Tina Gina?

WOMEN-GIRL
She's fine. How's your brother Jim
Tim?

MAN-BOY
He's fine.

WOMEN-GIRL
Wanna see my kitty?
MAN-BOY
Will it bite?
 7.

WOMEN-GIRL
Only if you're mean to it.

MAN-BOY
Okay. Where is it?

WOMEN-GIRL
It's right here.

She indicates that it is under her skirt.

MAN-BOY
How did it get there? It must get
very hot in there.

WOMEN-GIRL
Sometimes.

MAN-BOY
Okay. I'll Look.

He gets down on his knees and sticks his head under her skirt.

MAN-BOY (CONT'D)
Wow. Look at that. There's a pussy
under your skirt.

WOMEN-GIRL
Yes there is.

The man-boy starts to get up. The women-girl puts her hands
behind his head holding him there as he struggles to get up.
She starts to let out a sound that is a combination of an
orgasm and an opera singers aria. Finally with much effort
he manages to break free of her grip and get to his feet.
He comes up gasping for air.

MAN-BOY
Wow. I never knew girls looked so
different from boys. Can I see your
pussy again.
WOMEN-GIRL
Sure. You can have it.

She reaches under her skirt and pulls a stuffed doll that
looks like a cat. She tosses it to him.

MAN-BOY
Want to see my wiener dog?

WOMEN-GIRL
Sure.
He turns his back to the audience as she gets to her knees
to look.
 8.

MAN-BOY
Now don't be afraid. If you love me
you'll do this.

WOMEN-GIRL
It's a lot smaller then I thought it
would be.

MAN-BOY
He's Jewish.

He pulls a stuffed doll out of his pants that looks like a

dachshund puppy.

WOMEN-GIRL
It's so cute.

She hugs the doll and they both begin to sing.

SONG

Song title-"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

(BOTH)
I'll show you mine if you show me
your's. Let's hope you're dog's
hot. Then my kitty purrs. When we
get older maybe we can use some spurs.

MAN-BOY
Don't think I really like girls yet.
I think they're icky. I'd rather
have a pet. A nice cat or dog to
run and play. Say if I like to do
my older sisters hair does that mean
I'll be gay. Even if I don't like
girls I still want to see what they've
got. It's different from mine. So
I really want to see their big cot.

Song stops.
MAN-BOY (To audience) (CONT'D)
I know what word you thought I was
going to say. You dirty dirty people.
Song continues.

WOMEN-GIRL
Boys are dirty. Boys smell bad. No
boy will ever be as cool as my dad.
But some how I'm drawn to him in
some strange way. I just know he'll
be tall dark and handsome in some
future day. I hope he'll buy me
flowers on Valentines day. Act all
romantic and give me some kisses.
(MORE)
 9.

WOMEN-GIRL (CONT'D)
I'll show him mine if I think he'll
grant me all my wishes. Boys are
icky. Boys smell bad. But when I
get older I'll date a few evil ones
to piss off my dad.

(BOTH)
I'll show you mine if you show me
your's. Let's hope you're dog's
hot. Then my kitty can purr. When
we get older we can both use some
spurs. I love-hate boys and girls!

Song ends. The host reenters and takes center stage.

HOST
Very good. Very good little boy.
Very good little girl. Go back stage
and compare your notes or parts for
the next act.

The man-boy and women-girl exit.

HOST (CONT'D)
Weren't they wonderful. Well we all
know what comes next in a young girls
life. Puberty.

A little girl about twelve years old comes out on stage along
with a man dressed as a magician. The host steps aside as
they take center stage and a curtain comes down. The girl
steps behind the curtain. The magician makes a big show of
waving his wand around so much that the host starts to get
impatient.

HOST (CONT'D)
Getting paid by the hour are we?

The curtain comes up and it is an elderly lady.

HOST (CONT'D)
Lets try that again shall we? This
time try not to ham it up.

The curtain lowers. Then the magician waves his wand once
and the curtain comes up again. We see a beautiful women in
her twenties this time. She steps out from behind the curtain
which lowers again. The she starts to make out with the
magician. The magician keeps waving his wand around. The
curtain comes back up again revealing another beautiful women.
The magician and the first beautiful woman stop making out
as they notice the second woman. The magician starts making
out with the second woman as the curtain comes back down
again.

HOST (CONT'D)
Give me that thing.
 10.

The host grabs the wand out of the magicians hand. The
magician and the two women exit arm in arm. Then the host
makes a big show of waving the wand at the curtain. The
curtain goes up and the elderly lady is back. She immediately
jumps on the host and begins trying to kiss him as the curtain
comes back down again. The host waves the wand again and
the curtain comes up. Another older lady is there. She
jumps on him and tries to kiss him too as the curtain goes
down.

HOST (CONT'D)
Security! Security!

A man dressed as a security guard comes out and drags the

two older ladies off stage. The host tries the wand again.
The curtain comes up and their is a poodle standing there.

HOST (CONT'D)
Well that's more like it. You can
stay. Meet me in my dressing room
after the show.

The dog walks off stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
Bitch. Call me. Please. Well on
with the show. What comes with
puberty for a young lady? Yes.
Menstruation. Being on the rag.
The red river styx. Go with the
flow.

The dancing girls come back out without their canes. They
all dance to the front of the stage. Each one of them holds
up a big sign with a letter on it that spells out
menstruation. They do this like cheerleaders yelling out a
cheer at a big game.

DANCING GIRLS
M.e.n.s.t.r.u.a.t.i.o.n. YAY
MENSTRUATION! GO TEAM!
They start to dance across the stage. Then all of them go
in to their song.

SONG

Song title-"Being a girl."

DANCING GIRLS

(verse)
When you become a young lady. Some
things are gross and shady. You
might weep and you might cramp. Get
migraine headaches and depression.
Bloat all up from water retention.
(MORE)
 11.

(verse) (CONT'D)
Your tits will hurt like you're an
alien from another dimension.
(Chorus)
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.

(verse)
You may want to kill your pain in
the ass boyfriend. Or your husband
too. He's the one who leaves his
dirty skid marked underwear all over
the place for you to do. You might
kill him by placing a pillow over
his face. Or locking his game room
door while you fill it up with mace.

(Chorus)
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.

(verse)
But pms is definitely the best! It
makes you a big witch. Or a super
duper crazy man hating bitch. You
can take on the world like super
girl. Or have an excuse for a great
big honkin hurl.

(Chorus)
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.
Isn't it wonderful being a girl.

Song ends.

They continue to dance around the stage.

HOST
Thank you ladies. Very colorful.
Now get off my stage please.

The dancing girls defiantly keep up their dance routine while

the host patiently waits. Then they all stick out their
tongues and give him a dirty look before leaving the stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
Give them a big hand. They're all
retarded and I'm British. But we
all have our crosses to bear. Now
what happens next in a young vaginas
life? That's right. First we had
menstruation. Now we have the other
M word. Masturbation!
The dancing girls run back on stage. They do their
cheerleader routine again. Spelling out masturbation while
the host impatiently taps his feet.
 12.

DANCING GIRLS
M.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.i.o.n. YAY
MASTURBATION! GO TEAM!

HOST
Some people will do anything to get
on stage again. Now where were we?

The dancing girls stick out their tongues again and give him
the raspberry. Then one of the dancing girls yells at him.

DANCING GIRL
Jerk off!

HOST
Oh yes. That's right. Masturbation.
The old five finger discount. Dialing
for dollars. Diddling the old back
forty acres. Splitting two halves
of a warm loaf. Now try and remember
as we take you back to the beginnings
of a warm and lasting friendship.

The host turns around and gestures with both hands toward a
back curtain that is now lit up. The curtain rises and we
see a woman on her back in an old fashioned four poster bed.
A man is on top of her and they are having sex. A sheet
covers them from the waist down. The women moans loudly as
the man repeats "oh yay baby oh baby" over and over again.
The host looks aghast at this sight.

HOST (CONT'D)
Opps wrong act. In fact wrong play.

The curtain closes on the couple. Then it reopens on the

same bed. The same woman is still in the bed. Except now
she is dressed as a teenage girl and talking on her cell
phone.

HOST (CONT'D)
Now that's more like it. Something
I can really get in to. Watching a
horny young teenage girl fantasizing
for the first time about a boy.

Men dressed in black wind breakers with FBI stenciled on

back walk on stage. They also have dark baseball caps and
sunglasses on. They are speaking in to their walkie talkies
as they enter.
HOST (CONT'D)
I mean ah... never mind.

The FBI agents exit.

HOST (CONT'D)
She's on the phone now with her
girlfriend.
 13.

The host exits. Then a spotlight comes on showing a second

teenage girl in bed. She is also talking on her cell phone.

TEENAGE GIRL
You know Bobby Simpson is the hottest
boy in our school.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
He is not. Jimmy Thompson is. He's
got a great butt!

TEENAGE GIRL
That's true. He does have a nice
ass. But Bobby is way cuter.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Nah unh.

TEENAGE GIRL
Uh huh.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Nah unh.

TEENAGE GIRL
Uh huh.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Nah unh nah unh.

TEENAGE GIRL
Uh huh un huh

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Nah unh nah unh nah unh.

TEENAGE GIRL
Ow I'm tired. My brain hurts.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Mine too. Lets talk about something
else.

TEENAGE GIRL
Another boy!
TEENAGE GIRL #2
Yessss.

TEENAGE GIRL
A guy with an even better ass.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Is there a better ass in school then
Jimmy?

TEENAGE GIRL
No one in school.
 14.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
In the world?

TEENAGE GIRL
Yesss.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Wild Billy Cherry.

A spotlight comes on. It reveals a sexy young man posing

like a teen idol. He is also shirtless. He has a long blonde
wig that is styled in a perm. As the girls talk about his
different body parts he poses showing them off.

TEENAGE GIRL
The greatest ass in the world!

TEENAGE GIRL #2
The greatest ass ever in the world.

TEENAGE GIRL
The greatest ass ever in the universe!

TEENAGE GIRL #2
And the greatest chest.

TEENAGE GIRL
And stomach.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
And arms.

TEENAGE GIRL
And smile.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
And voice.

TEENAGE GIRL
I'm so excited!

TEENAGE GIRL #2
Me too. Gotta go. You know?

TEENAGE GIRL
Yes I know. Gotta go too!

The two girls roll around in their beds and squeal. Then
both begin to sing.
SONG

Song title-"Blast off."

TEENAGE GIRL
He's the perfect man for me. For
some reason I get all tingly.
(MORE)
 15.

TEENAGE GIRL (CONT'D)

When ever I see his face. I just
want to blast in to outer space.

TEENAGE GIRL #2
He's so sexy. I love his voice.
This boy is my perfect choice.
Billy's so special to me. I see his
body and I go whoopie! He's hotter
then any of the local boys. I just
want to play with him like he's my
little toy.

TEENAGE GIRL
I want to rub him all over my body.
Even though I'm young. I feel oh so
naughty. My hands begin to wander.
All the way down yonder. Until they
find my magic button and I blast
off.

MALE (V.O.)
Houston we are getting ready for
blast off. We have located the
launching mechanism. I believe we
will have a successful lift off in
the next few minutes. Stand by!

Both teenage girls have their hands under the covers. Both
of them are writhing and moaning in bed like they are
masturbating. The moans get louder and louder as an announcer
does a nasa like count down.

MALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

It definitely looks like a big yes
on this missile launch. Looks like
we are going to have a huge explosion
of power at any time now. A real
force of nature lifting this thing
off of the ground. Just hit the
magic button when you're ready.
Both girls thrash wildly around their beds as if in orgasm.

MALE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And there it goes. The buttons have
been pushed and we have an
unimaginable release of energy.

Suddenly we hear a loud knocking on two imaginary doors and

two mothers voices calling out. Both girls stop what they
are doing and dive under the covers as the lights go out.

MOTHERS (O.S.)
What's going on in there? Do your
damn home work. And no masturbating
on a school night!
 16.

Host reenters.

HOST
Well that was lovely. Absolutely
lovely. Their mothers should be
very proud. Now on to the next cycle
in the life of a vagina. Yes. It's
getting felt up. Then on to the
race for third base.

Host exits. Curtain rises.

The race for third base.

A woman is dressed like a teenage girl from the fifties

complete with poodle skirt. She has enormous fake breasts
that are made out of newspaper cut up like strips of confetti.
A man is sitting next to her. He is dressed as a fifties
teenage boy complete with greased back hair. They are both
seated in the front seat of a car. The boy and girl are
passionately kissing as he attempts to get his hand under
her shirt. He manages to do so and tons of confetti fly up
out of her low cut top. The boy looks at his hands full of
paper. Then he drops the paper and goes back to kissing.
He attempts to get his hands under her knee length skirt.
Efforts that she continually manages to repel.

BOY
C'mon baby. I just want to touch it
for a little while.

GIRL
No. I'm a good girl and good girls
don't do things like that.

BOY
Yes they do. Jennifer Quickly did.
She let me go to third base.

GIRL
Well then Jennifer Quickly is a slut.
BOY
I know. Isn't it great. If she
lets me go all the way then she's a
whore.

GIRL
Well I'll never be a slut. Or a
whore.

BOY
Well I may be a doctor one day and I
think you need an examination.
 17.

GIRL
Well you can touch it when you've
graduated from medical school. What
kind of doctor do you want to be?

BOY
A podiatrist.

GIRL
Well then you can touch my feet.

BOY
Can I put them in my lap? After I
take my pants off?

GIRL
No! I told you I'm not that kind of
girl.

BOY
Every girl is that type of girl.

GIRL
Not me.

BOY
Please. Then you can touch mine as
much as you want.

GIRL
Oh that's a great deal. I heard
yours goes off right after a girl
touches it.

BOY
That happened one time. Her hands
were cold. I was startled. It never
happens when I do it myself.

GIRL
Then you'll just have to do it
yourself.

He begins to undo his pants.

GIRL (CONT'D)
Not now!

BOY
Then let me touch yours.

GIRL
No.
BOY
Then let me see you touch it.
 18.

GIRL
No!

BOY
Don't tell me you never do that.

GIRL
Never. But I take lots of cold
showers.

BOY
What are you a nun?

GIRL
Sure and you're a doctor.

BOY
A psychiatrist.

GIRL
A podiatrist!

BOY
No. I like psychiatrist. You can
lie down on my couch and take off
your clothes. Then tell me when you
first became afraid to let boys touch
your private parts. I promise to
cure you in three easy sessions or
your money back.

GIRL
Take me home.

BOY
Aww c'mon baby. Just one hand up
to the stairway to heaven.

SONG

Song title-"I promise to be nice."

BOY
I promise to be nice. I promise not
to tell. I promise if you do what I
want. You won't go to hell. I'll
make you feel good. I'll make you
feel bad. If you let me get to third
base I promise you'll feel glad.
You can tell mom and dad you didn't
do a thing. But I'll give you a
thrill that will make you want to
sing.
GIRL
Okay. Okay. You can't go all the
way.
(MORE)
 19.

GIRL (CONT'D)
At least not today. Just please stop
singing in my face. And don't tell
anyone about it.

Song ends.

BOY
Only my best friends. I promise.

He produces a megaphone from the back seat and addresses the

audience.

BOY (CONT'D)
She going to let me get to third
base! Please don't tell anyone.
Keep this to yourselves please you
big mouthed people. Don't tell anyone
or my date will be severely
embarrassed. Thank you. That is
all.

Host reenters.

HOST
Yes. That is all. Now please go
away.

The curtain closes on the two teenagers and their car as the
host takes center stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
Now we all know what comes next.
That's right. Does every vagina out
there remember their first time having
intercourse? Of course you do! How
could you ever forget it! Gentle
slow love making by that special boy
that was so skilled and intricate.
It was magnificent. Right? You all
had three four or five huge orgasms
your first time out. Right? Mmmmm
I remember mine like it was yesterday.
Because it did happen yesterday and
my vagina is still purring like a
kitten. As a matter of fact I think
it's playing the star spangled banner
right now. No. It's God save the
queen and unfortunately they're not
talking about me. Okay lets tell the
truth. Your first time out was awful?
Right? Most boys couldn't give you
one orgasm if they had eight hands
and six penises! Hell they probably
couldn't find your crack with a seeing
eye dog and a map. Let alone make
it sing Yankee Doodle Dandy.
(MORE)
 20.

HOST (CONT'D)
They were probably humping your leg
or the side of the couch. When they
thought they were inside of you giving
you the sweet ride of your life.
Not that I needed any help finding
the goal. Or lasting more then three
seconds. I'm a real man damn it and
I've got the birth certificate to
prove it in a court of law. Well
enough about my sexual prowess. But
before we go on to the first time
lets discuss something else.
Something rarely seen in the annals
of the vagina. It is almost legendary
in its elusiveness. Some women claim
to have never seen it. Or felt it.
This unusual sexual practice is called
foreplay. I know some of you men
out there have never heard of it
either. But believe me. Your wife's
and girlfriends have. And one, two,
three. Did you see it. That's most
men's idea of foreplay. Count to
three and in it goes. While they
watch football over your shoulder
with the sound off and are secretly
wishing for a ham sandwich. Where
as most women prefer the pre foreplay
foreplay of romance. Before they
ever get to the physical foreplay.
Things like some soft touching.
Sweet words whispered in your ear.
Oh dear sweet Rupert. I love. I
love you! I really do. Sorry. Got
a little carried away.

A man and a women come out on stage where the man hands her
a bouquet of roses. She sniffs them and sneezes. They sit
down at a small round table that is brought on stage. Candles
and a bottle of wine are placed on it. The man produces two
glasses from under the table. A tiny one for him and a giant
one for her that he proceeds to fill up. She chugs the wine
down and falls out of her chair. She lies there unconscious
on the floor. He gets up and looks around like he is trying
to decide if he wants to make a sexual move on her.

HOST (CONT'D)
I said romance. Not politics.
The dancing girls come out again to sing a song as the host
exits. The table is removed and the man and women leave the
stage with it.
SONG

Song title-"Romance."
 21.

VERSE)
Love. Romance. Please take a chance.
Without some romance. You'll never
get in to my pants. If you want to
touch my rear. Please be oh so loving
my dear. Because otherwise you'll
be firing off your own love spear.

(Chorus)
Without a little romance. What's
life worth without a little romance?
Is life worth living without a little
romance? Without a little romance.

(verse)
Hug me and squeeze me. Do anything
to please me. Buy me some flowers.
Or you'll be taking a cold shower.
Take me to a movie. One that's sweet
and groovy. Please take me to a
show. Treat me with little respect
because I'm not a ho.

Song ends.

A man dressed as Santa Claus enters carrying his red toy

bag. He is laughing and pointing at the girls.

SANTA
Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho.

They throw their shoes at him and he quickly runs off stage.

Song continues.

VERSE)
Cause what's life without some
romance. A little cuddling before
your sexual advance.

(Chorus)
Without a little romance. What's
life worth without a little romance?
Is life worth living without a little
romance? Without a little romance.
The dancing girls exit off stage as the hosts reenters.

HOST
Now romance is nice. A real start
of foreplay. But it does have to
get physical at some time in the
equations. Now at this young age.
Maybe any age? Some men don't know
the difference between groping and
soft, sensual, sexual touching.

The host closes his eyes and begins to touch himself.

 22.

HOST (CONT'D)
Oh sorry. They fake the romance and
its straight to the vagina. Damn
the torpedos. Full speed ahead.
Instead of nibbling softly on your
next. Achingly touching your upper
torso. They rotate your nipples
like their twisting off a bottle
cap. They rub your love taco like
they're trying to start a forest
fire. Then it's inside of you like
they're fishing around for their
lost car keys. They need to develop
a little touch.

The dancing girls come back on stage for a song.

SONG

Song title-"A little touch."

(Verse)
I need a little touch. Oh so soft.
Not too much. I need a little caress.
Your hands are just the best. I
need a little feel. Prove to me
you're the real deal. I need some
warmin up.

(Chorus)
I need a little touch. I'll tell
you when I want it rough. I need a
little feel. You need to make me
squeal.

(Verse)
You can start with my neck. Oh what
the heck. Work your way down to my
legs. Don't make me beg. Spank my
little butt. Act like a crazy nut.
Make my little friend purr like a
kitten and you know what you'll be
gettin.

(Chorus)
I need a little touch. I'll tell
you when I want it rough. I need a
little feel. You need to make me
squeal. I need a little touch.
Just a little touch. Touch. Touch.

The host comes back to center stage. He is applauding.

HOST
Could someone please touch me?
Someone in the audience? Anyone?
Please? No? Oh well.
(MORE)
 23.

HOST (CONT'D)
Then on with the show. On to our
next chapter. The first time is always
the best time.

The first time.

A woman dressed as a teenage girl is in her bedroom getting

ready for a date. She is sitting in front of a mirror fixing
herself up. There is a knock on the bedroom door and her
mother walks in.

MOTHER
You look so beautiful.

DAUGHTER
Thanks Mom.

MOTHER
Now I hope you're going to be careful
on your date.

DAUGHTER
Got my mace and my gun right here.
All ready to go Mom.

MOTHER
No. No. No. I mean what boys want.

The daughter puts her hands over her ears.

DAUGHTER
Mother!

MOTHER
That's all boys think about is...

DAUGHTER
No. No. No.

The mother pries her daughters hands off of her ears.

MOTHER
That's all boys think about is S.E.X.
Except for your father. Boys just
want to get between your legs and
crack the seal. Be the first man on
your moon.

Another knock on the bedroom door and her father walks in.

FATHER
Hello.
MOTHER
Barry we were having a private
conversation.
 24.

FATHER
A little mother daughter thing about
S.E.X. I hope.

DAUGHTER
Dad!

MOTHER
Barry!

FATHER
What? I spelled it wrong?

MOTHER
No. You usually do it wrong.

FATHER
Very funny. But this is serious
business. It's a fathers job to
protect his daughters thing a ma
jig.

MOTHER
It's called a vagina. Our daughters
vagina. You're supposed to protect
your daughters vagina. Not her thing
a ma jig. It's not a power tool.

FATHER
Yours sure isn't

MOTHER
What?

FATHER
I'm just saying. A father needs to
protect his only daughters path to
enlightenment.

MOTHER
We have two more girls.
FATHER
Oh my Lord. Do I have to talk about
their mouse traps too when their old
enough to have S.E.X?

MOTHER
It's a vagina. A vagina. Vagina.
Vagina. Vagina. Want me to shout
it out the window so the whole
neighborhood can hear it. So you'll
know what to call it the next time?
She goes over to the window. Then opens it up and shouts
out.
 25.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
My husband wants to talk about our
daughters vagina.

We hear the door bell ring.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
Your dates here.

She shouts out the window again.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
C'mon up.

A man dressed as a teenage boy enters the daughters bedroom.

BOY
Good evening Mr and Mrs White. I am
so glad to meet you.

MOTHER
See. All boys think about is S.E.X.

FATHER
Not when you're around.

MOTHER
What?

FATHER
Nothing dear.

MOTHER
Say do you like older women?

DAUGHTER
Mother!

MOTHER
What honey? I'm just wondering how
boys think now a days. I'm not
getting my thing a ma jig all excited
by staring at his young firm sexy
hard body.

FATHER
It's called a vagina honey. Not a
thing a ma jig.

MOTHER
How would you know. You wouldn't
know a vagina from an air bag.

FATHER
That's cause yours looks like one.
It got me all confused.
 26.

MOTHER
Asshole!

FATHER
See. That's another place your mother
won't let me go! Just like Las Vegas!

DAUGHTER
Mother! Father! Please be respectful
of my vagina. I mean my date.

FATHER
So you're her date for tonight.

BOY
Yes sir. I'm the one.

FATHER
All right. That's nice. Now get
the hell out of my house.

GIRL
Daddy! Mom what's wrong with him?

MOTHER
Not much from what I can see. He's
pretty hot.

DAUGHTER
Not my date. What's wrong with Daddy?

MOTHER
If I knew that I'd of been able to
get him committed years ago. There
is no way to describe what is wrong
with your father. The list is just
endless.

FATHER
And pointless. Like most of the
things you complain about.
MOTHER
Hardy har har. You are just so funny.
I just laughed my ass off.
FATHER
Well you need to keep laughing because
you missed thirty or forty pounds of
it.

DAUGHTER
Could you both get back to talking
about my vagina. It's less
embarrassing then having my date
listen to this.
 27.

MOTHER
I'm sorry if you're embarrassed by
us.

FATHER
Yes. Our job as parents is to protect
you. And my specific job as a father
is to keep your mamas newest fantasy
from ramming down your draw bridge
for the first time! You need to
stay untouched.

MOTHER
Yes. Remain a virgin until you're
married. Like I did with your father.

Song title-"Stay a virgin?"

SONG-FATHER
My daughter staying a virgin is so
important to me. Being untouched
till marriage runs in the family.
Don't let a boy put his thing inside
of you. Because I'll have to kill
him if you do.

SONG-MOTHER
The first time isn't great. But
it's not bad either. Just be sure
he's not a heavy breather. Because
guys like that don't last long in
your beaver. They're usually done
after five seconds of action. Then
you need to do yourself to get any
satisfaction.

SONG-DAUGHTER
I'm a good girl. But I feel things
that I want to do without a ring.
My body aches in that special spot
and then I want to give him what
I've got. Let him get inside of me.
Hope that I don't get the clap or
VD. But I want him so bad because
he's so yummy. I feel this ache
right below my tummy.

SONG-MOTHER
So why don't you share him with your
mummy.

SONG-FATHER
Don't forget your married to me.
SONG-DAUGHTER
Will you both just leave so I can
lose my virginity.
 28.

Her parents shrug their shoulders and leave the room.

DAUGHTER
Wanna have S.E.X?

BOY
Hell yes. I thought you'd never
ask.

They both jump in to the bed and begin to have sex. They
keep having loud sex as the host comes on stage.

HOST
So did you like that last little
interlude? It was quite funny wasn't
it?

The couples sex gets louder causing the host to look back at
them.

HOST (CONT'D)
I guess they enjoyed it too.

Both of them make even louder groans.

HOST (CONT'D)
Maybe a little too much. Anyhow
it's time to move on to our next
sequence about..

The couple groans even louder this time over and over again
drowning out the host.

HOST (CONT'D)
Would you people please shut the
hell up. I'm trying to run a show
here you know. Just because your
who who is being pounded for the
first time like a chicken fried steak
is no reason to be rude!

The couple stops having sex and the host turns back toward
the audience. Then the lights come up showing her parents
in a huge bed with several other couples having sex.

HOST (CONT'D)
Very funny guys. I should sue you
all for interrupting me.

The lead attorney and the junior attorneys instantly appear

on stage.

LEAD ATTORNEY
I don't think that's advisable.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Not advisable at all. No. No. Not
advisable at all.
 29.

LEAD ATTORNEY
See. It's a fait complete.

HOST
A what?

LEAD ATTORNEY
All ready over with.

HOST
Well why didn't you just say so.
Instead of using that hobbldy gobbldy
legalese lawyer talk?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Because I'm good at it.

HOST
Well I suppose now you'd like to
have noisy sex to distract me too.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Why yes. Yes I would. If my contract
permits it.

The junior attorneys open their briefcases and read over

some documents.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
It does. Excluding wild animals on
the endanger species list. Plus
apple pie. Also cherry and banana
cream pie. However blueberry,
chocolate and rhubarb pie are
permitted.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Good. I love rhubarbs.

HOST
Oh for crying out loud.
The host turns to the audience.

HOST (CONT'D)
I suppose you'll all want to have
noisy sex now too. Well I'm sorry
but you just can't do it.

The lead attorney loudly clears his throat.

HOST (CONT'D)
What now?
LEAD ATTORNEY
I'm afraid they can.
 30.

He looks at the junior attorneys who are hurriedly pouring

over some more papers.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
They can.

HOST
They can?

LEAD ATTORNEY
They can.

The host addresses the audience as the lead and junior

attorneys exit.

HOST
Oy vey. Okay. Well you'll just
have to wait until after the show.
We just got through with sex. So
now how about sex toys? You know
tuna helper. The buzz that does.
Things that go bump in the night in
to my vagina. If you've used them
before please raise your hand. Very
good. If you're planning on using
them in the future please raise your
hands. Ah nice. If your using them
right now as we speak please raise
your hands. Well at least one hand.
Ah yes. They must pass them out at
the door. Now on with the next
chapter of our show. Sex toys.
Lets do the hokey pokey. Or how I
learned to love the
boooommmmmmmmmmmmb!

A large group of women come out on stage waving sex toys and
singing.

Song title-"Toys."

SONG
I got toys. I got toys. Why the
hell do I need boys? I got a buzz.
Love what it does. Use it just
because. I got toys. I got toys.
Why the hell do I need boys? The
joys. Oh the joys of using dozens
of sex toys. The Ben wah balls I
take to work and wear under my short
frilly skirt. Dildos. Love poles.
Wild stimulation. It wows the female
nation. It's an incredible sensation.
An irresistible elation.

Song ends.
 31.

The girls pair off and start fighting with the sex toys like
their are light sabers from the star wars movies. Their
movements are accompanied by the buzzing of both the star
wars fights and the normal buzzing of a vibrator. A curtain
comes down in front of them. Then the lights are turned off
and the girls are back lit during the fights. We see their
silhouettes through the curtain as the sabers look like they
are being thrust toward the girls mouths and crotches. They
finish their fighting and the curtain rises. The girls do a
little tap dance on stage behind the host. They hand him a
rubber dildo that sags down like a flaccid penis as they
start jabbing the vibrators at the host. He realizes what
they have thrust in to his hands and he tosses it away.

HOST
Hey keep those things away from me.

They jab more furiously at him.

HOST (CONT'D)
Security! Security!

A man dressed in a security guards uniform comes out and

ushers the dancers off stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
That's more like it. My job is to
talk about things. Not do them.

The lead attorney and the junior attorneys appear on stage

again. They walk toward the host with briefcases in hand.

HOST (CONT'D)
Oh what is it now?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Well it seems you are required to do
certain things to keep your job.

HOST
I am?
JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
You are.

HOST
Such as?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Things of a sexual nature.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Sexual nature.
HOST
What things?
 32.

The lead and junior attorneys confer with each other. They
open their briefcases and go over several papers.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Paragraph 17 says this.

He shows the host the paper.

LEAD ATTORNEY (CONT'D)

And this.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
And this.

LEAD ATTORNEY
And this.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
That too.

HOST
My Lord. I can't even get in to
most of those positions. Plus I'm
allergic to gerbils.

LEAD ATTORNEY
No problem. We'll give you two weeks
to hire a personal trainer and get
in to shape. But the gerbil part is
nonnegotiable.

HOST
Okay. If I must.

LEAD ATTORNEY
If you want to keep your job?

HOST
I do.

The lead and junior attorneys leave the stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
Well then. Wasn't that special.
Since we have a little lull in the
show. I think its time we went over
the parts of the vagina.

Women come out on the stage in costumes denoting parts of

the vagina when the hosts calls out their names. They stand
next to the host and then take their place in line behind
him.

HOST (CONT'D)
Labia Majora.

Labia major is dressed like a labia with an Army Majors

uniform and cap over it.
 33.

She salutes the host and he salutes back.

HOST (CONT'D)
Labia minora.

A women comes out dressed in a Jewish Menorah costume.

HOST (CONT'D)
Wrong Menorah. Though I'm sure you
could last for eight days and eight
nights.

The women dressed as a Menorah walks off stage.

HOST (CONT'D)
Labia minora.

A very short women comes out dressed as labia minora.

HOST (CONT'D)
Urethra.

The women comes out dressed as Aretha Franklin.

HOST (CONT'D)
I said urethra. Not Arethra.

URETHRA
Hey I'm just looking for a little
respect. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

HOST
Oh never mind. Go stand over there.
Next everybody's fan favorite. The
Clitoris.

A very tall women comes out dressed as a clitoris. She stands

next to the host like the other girls did. But this time he
rubs on the top of her head. Her body quivers.

CLITORIS
Thanks you.

HOST
No. Thank you. I'll be seeing you
after the show.

HOST (CONT'D)
And last but not least the Vestibule.
I have no idea what that is.

A women dressed as the vestibule comes on stage and takes

her place in line.
HOST (CONT'D)
The parts of the vagina. Give them
all a big hand. Especially the
clitoris.
 34.

The host goes over and rubs her head and body. She quivers
and shakes. Then the host moves out of the way as the costumed
girls all come up one at a time to speak.

LABIA MAJORA
I'm the outer defense. The big picket
fence. The one in charge and living
large.

She salutes the audience and the rest of the parts. Then
she marches off military style to the head of the line. The
labia minora steps up. She speaks in a squeaky voice.

LABIA MINORA
I am the little defense who stands
behind majora. Not the Jewish
Menorah. But I do know how to recite
the Torah.

CLITORIS
I am the clitoris. I jut out of the
forest. Like a sweet pea. I can
never get enough of me. Like a horny
little flea. Or a sex crazed bee.
I am the clit. The next best thing
to play with on a women after the
nipples on her tit. I am the clit.

She rubs herself and giggles.

VESTIIBULE
I'm no fool. I'm the vestibule.
The queen of cool. The vaginas best
tool. I'm the vestibule. Don't be
cruel. I'm the vestibule. Vestibule.
Vestibule.

She does a little Elvis imitation before, during and after

the "Don't be cruel part."

URETHRA
I know you don't know what urethra
is. Or urethra does. Well don't
piss me off cause that's what I do.
If you make me mad I'll pee on you.
That's what I'll do. Pee on you.
Pee on you.

She does an Aretha Franklin impersonation and sings in a low

bass voice. After she's done all of the dancing girls line
up and link arms like the Rocketts. They begin to kick their
legs and sing.

Song title-"Parts of the vagina."

SONG-ALL
Parts. We're not the heart.
(MORE)
 35.

SONG-ALL (CONT'D)
But we're the parts. Not the parts
of the heart. We are the parts.
The parts of the vagina. And nothing
could be finer then being in the
vagina in the morning.

Urethra steps out of line. Then drops to her knees and sings
alone.

SONG

Song title-"Parts of the vagina."

URETHRA
In the morning!

Urethra steps back in line. The girls link arms again and
do their kicking routine. They finish the song by unlinking
arms and dropping to their knees.

SONG-ALL

Song title-"Parts of the vagina part three."

Parts. Not the parts of the heart.

Or the parts of the brain. That's
good. Cause vaginas might go insane.
If they were like parts of the brain.
Good that we're not like the heart.
Cause we might go out of wack. Have
a massive vagina heart attack.
Instead we're good in the sack. So
if you treat the parts of the vagina
right. We'll hang out with you all
night. Oh what a glorious sight.
Being with us all night.

The host takes center stage again as the dancing girls exit.

HOST
Everybody got those parts memorized
because there will be a test at the
end of the play. Okay. Now that
we've had our little fun. On to the
scary part. The gynecologist.
We hear glass breaking off stage along with horror movie
like screams. A curtain goes up. We see a spotlight showing
a young women in a hospital gown lying on an examining table
with her legs in the stirrups. The doctor is in a hospital
gown with rubber gloves on. He also has a surgical cap and
mask on. A women dressed as a nurse is standing next to the
doctor.
 36.

GYNECOLOGIST
Now lets get that baby out of you
immediately.

PATIENT
But I'm not pregnant.

GYNECOLOGIST
By God. It's a miracle. An
unpregnant women is having a baby.
Nurse alert the media.

NURSE
Right away doctor.

The nurse picks up one of those old style nineteen forties

telephones. As she starts talking in to the receiver several
men dressed as reporters from the forties come in with cameras
and begin taking pictures. Bright flashbulbs go off.

PATIENT
I'm only here for an exam.

GYNECOLOGIST
Alright. Everybody out.

One of the reporters turns on his way out and takes a picture
between the patients legs.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
Give me two five by tens and a dozen
wallet size ones.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Right boss.

GYNECOLOGIST
Now where we re we? Oh yes. The
miracle baby.

PATIENT
No doctor. I'm not having a baby.
I'm here for an exam. Are you sure
you're a doctor?

GYNECOLOGIST
Are you sure you're a patient?

PATIENT
I think I should see another doctor.

GYNECOLOGIST
I think you should see another doctor
too. I'll call the proctologist
because you're turning in to a pain
in the ass.
 37.

PATIENT
Doctor please. It's my first time.

GYNECOLOGIST
If you've never had sex before then
how did you become pregnant?

PATIENT
My first gynecological exam. And
for the last time. I'M NOT PREGNANT!

GYNECOLOGIST
If you're not pregnant. Then what
are you here for?

PATIENT
I have a yeast infection.

GYNECOLOGIST
Oh nasty business. Nurse get me
some flour, cheese and pepperoni.
We'll make a crust out of her yeast
infection and then make a pizza.

NURSE
Right away doctor.

PATIENT
Doctor please. Just do the exam so
I can get out of here.

GYNECOLOGIST
If you insist.

The doctor snaps his rubber gloves at the wrist and positions
himself at the end of the table and begins his exam.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
Oh my Lord. I've never seen anything
like this before in my life.

PATIENT
What is it doctor?

GYNECOLOGIST
You have a vagina between your legs.

PATIENT
What medical school did you graduate
from?

GYNECOLOGIST
ICU.
PATIENT
Which school is ICU?
 38.

GYNECOLOGIST
No. Peek a boo. I see you.

PATIENT
And I shaved for this?

GYNECOLOGIST
And a mighty fine job you did. A
crew cut I believe because the entire
crew can fit inside.

PATIENT
Doctor!

GYNECOLOGIST
Somebody needs a doctor? Nurse call
a doctor

NURSE
Right away doctor.

She grabs the old style phone.

NURSE (CONT'D)
Who should I call?

GYNECOLOGIST
Call me a doctor.

NURSE
You're a doctor.

GYNECOLOGIST
Oh that's right. I am. Nurse cancel
that call.

NURSE
Right away Senator.

GYNECOLOGIST
And how are you miss?
PATIENT
Concerned. Frazzled.

GYNECOLOGIST
Sounds like my old malpractice
attorneys. I. M. Concerned and
Frazzled Goldstein. Two Jewish
lawyers with a law degree and the
will to use it.

PATIENT
I can see why you would need them.
Can we finish this up before my uterus
falls off.
 39.

GYNECOLOGIST
What's a uterus? Just kidding. I
bought one last week. They get great
gas mileage. Just kidding again.
Your exam will be concluded after
this brief musical interlude.

The lights go up and we see the dancing girls. They are all
dressed in surgical gowns and lying on examining tables with
their legs in the stirrups. The back of their heads face
the audience. Down by their feet five men dressed up as
doctors stand ready. Then they wheel the tables around and
the women have small colored spot lights between their legs.
The spotlights go on and shine up toward the ceiling. The
girls wiggle their legs making the spotlights dance on the
ceiling. They start to kick their legs up and sing. They
sing in a cheerleader like chant including the hand claps.

SONG

Song title-"Doctor who who.

SONG (All) (CONT'D)

Doctor who who. We love what you
do. It's just like you are practicing
voodoo. We really love the thing
that you do. Doctor who who. All
of us women really need you. So we
can safely have babies and screw
woo. You cure infections with your
inspections.

The doctors at each girls table begin to spin their examining

tables around. Each time the table spins completely around
the girls loudly yell woo!

SONG (All) (CONT'D)

WOO! WOO! WOO!

They stop spinning and finish up the song.

SONG (CONT'D)
Doctor who who.

NG
We love what you do do do. It's
just like you are practicing voodoo.
Voodoo. You do voodoo. Please check
my ailing who who. So we can safely
have babies and screw woo. Screw
woo.

The dancers and doctors exit the stage and we go back to the
spotlight setup on the gynecologist, patient and nurse.

GYNECOLOGIST
So who are you again?
 40.

PATIENT
Doctor!

The curtain goes down and the host returns.

HOST
Any one need a doctor? We have a
good one here. No. No takers.
Good. This audience scores high on
the intelligence index. So next up
on the vagina index is the second
time. Not the second time to the
gynecologist. Better to go to Pep
Boys. Manny, Mo and Jack will do a
better job of examining your chassis
then that doctor. No. The second
time at sweet lust. Love in the
glove. When you are young. Off to
the University. The College life.
Out on your own and horny as hell!
All you need is lust and someone to
rock your world. You know when you're
randy. Or you want to do Randy all
night long. Well ladies and
gentlemen. Lust the second time
around is the sweetest lust of all.

A college dorm room with a bed, dresser and computer table.

A young man and women are studying at the computer table.
The women is sitting in a chair typing on the computer. The
man is sitting on a chair behind her leaning in very close.
He is touching her and nuzzling her neck.

YOUNG MAN
Aww c'mon baby. How long has it
been since high school sex?

YOUNG WOMAN
Two years, three months, twenty seven
days, nine hours, forty seven minutes
and seventeen seconds. Give or take.
YOUNG MAN
Wow. That's a long time to go without
sex.
YOUNG WOMAN
Well I loved my first boyfriend and
I wanted to be in love again.
YOUNG MAN
Believe me. After two years, three
months, twenty seven days, nine hours
and forty seven minutes...

YOUNG WOMAN
And seventeen seconds.
 41.

YOUNG MAN
Okay. After all of that time you
need to love again. If you know
what I mean.

YOUNG WOMAN
I don't know.

YOUNG MAN
Well I know. Welcome to the big
show.

He begins kissing her on the neck and feeling her up.

YOUNG WOMAN
Must be strong. Must be in love.

YOUNG MAN
Eighteen seconds. Nineteen seconds.

SONG

Song title-"Must not have sex."

YOUNG WOMAN
Must not have sex! I don't care if
he's erect. Must not give in. I
don't want something to begin. Must
not want lust. I just have to keep
him from touching my bust. Must not
be bad. What will I say to my dear
old college paying dad? Must not
have sex. I don't care if he is
erect.

Song ends.

YOUNG WOMAN (CONT'D)

Oh who am I kidding. I'm in college!

The two of them climb on to the bed and begin going at it.
Rolling around and around the bed.

YOUNG WOMAN (CONT'D)

More. More. More.
YOUNG MAN
It's all I've got.

YOUNG WOMAN
Need more sex!

The door opens and another young man is standing there.

YOUNG MAN NUMBER TWO
Hey Can I borrow some.. woops sorry.
 42.

She reaches up and grabs him by the shirt. She pulls him in
to bed while simultaneously pushing the first young man out
of bed. He lands on the floor with a thud The second young
man and the young women roll around in bed.

YOUNG WOMAN
More. More. More.

YOUNG MAN NUMBER TWO

I'm giving her all I've got.

YOUNG WOMAN
Not good enough. She needs more
sex.

There is a knock at the door. The door opens and another

young man is standing there.

YOUNG MAN NUMBER THREE

Hey we're collecting for...

She pushes young man number two out of bed. Then she pulls
young man number three in to bed.

YOUNG MAN NUMBER TWO

Hey!

YOUNG WOMAN
Give it to me. Give it to me. Give
it to me now.

YOUNG MAN NUMBER THREE

Well I'll try my best but..

She jumps on top of him and they roll around in bed. Then
another young man comes through the door. She pushes number
three out of bed and pulls number four in. They roll around
in bed. Then the lights go out. They come back up a short
time later. We see fifteen young men lying on the floor.
They are all holding their groins and moaning in pain.

YOUNG MAN
So sore. Oh so sore.

The young women is in bed. The covers are pulled up over

her. She is smoking a giant cigarette the size of a baseball
bat. She has another two on the bed along with a giant carton
of them. She puffs on them for a little bit then gets out
of bed. She is wearing a tuxedo like outfit complete with
high heels. Someone off stage throws her a top hat and cane.
She begins to sing and dance.

SONG
YOUNG WOMAN

Song title-"I need sex."

 43.

YOUNG WOMAN (CONT'D)

I need sex. I need love. I need
all of the things listed above. I
want it hot. I want a lot. I want
what ever you boys got. In your
pants. Please use your hands. I was
voted in high school most likely to
sleep with the whole band. I want a
man. I want him now. He's gotta
really be packing that kapow. To
make me laugh. To make me cry. To
make sure that I am never too dry.

The zonked out men on the floor get up and form a chorus
line behind her. They begin to sing and kick their legs
like the rocketts..

(Song)

Song title-"College boyfriends."

COLLEGE BOYFRIENDS
College boyfriends are disposable.
I don't think she is very noble.
She used us. Abused us. Like a big
bomb she defused us. Greeted us.
Mistreated us. Then she defeated
us. Led us on with her beautiful
bust. Misused our innocent joyous
boyfull lust.

YOUNG WOMAN
Hey what's the fuss? I let you touch
my big beautiful bust.

COLLEGE BOYFRIENDS
Then you wore us out. Then you threw
us out. Testing the waters. Having
sex with the deans daughter. Lucky
we caught her and daddy didn't spot
her doing the college grind. Or he
might have to spank her cute little
behind.

YOUNG WOMAN
You boys followed me like lambs to
the slaughter. I couldn't find a
way to feel any hotter. But I'm not
really the deans sweet little
daughter.

Song ends.

The curtain closes on all of them and the host reenters.

 44.

HOST
Well I hope that wasn't what they
mean by putting on the freshman
fifteen. Thank you. Thank you. I
just made that up on the spot.

The lead and junior attorneys come out on stage. The lead
attorney is on a cell phone.

HOST (CONT'D)
What is it now?

LEAD ATTORNEY
I have the writers guild on the phone.
They say that you did not come up
with it on the spot. They also say
they are going to sue you unless
they have an immediate retraction.

HOST
They did?

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
They did.

HOST
They will?

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
They will.

LEAD ATTORNEY
So what's it going to be?

HOST
Lets see. Neville Chamberlain or
Winston Churchill?

LEAD ATTORNEY
We won't represent you. So you'll
have to pay for the lawsuit out of
your own pocket.

HOST
Chamberlain.
LEAD ATTORNEY
Very well.

The lead and junior attorneys exit.

HOST
I wish to offer my deepest apologies
to the Writers Guild and Bernie's
delicatessen for complaining about
the leanness of their corn beef.
Please don't spit in my food again.
(MORE)
 45.

HOST (CONT'D)
Okay. Where were we? First there
was menstruation. Then masturbation.
Then a college sex education. We
covered gynecologist. Proctologist
and urologist? No. Third base.
The first time and the parts of the
vagina. What is next? Ah yes. You
are in college so it must be old
dick. Yes every college girl dreams
of old dick. Or sleeping with your
professor.

Host exits. Curtain opens on a college classroom. Eleven

student desks filled with six girls and five boys. There is
also a teachers desk with a blackboard behind it. A male
teacher in his forties is standing behind the desk writing
on the blackboard.

TEACHER
So class in conclusion that is why
the female butterfly is attracted to
the male one. Any questions?

Everybody raises their hand. A very busty female student

wearing a tight low cut top and a tight short skirt stands
up. She raises her hand and jumps up and down.

FEMALE STUDENT
Me. Me. Me. I have a question.

TEACHER
Okay. The young lady with the large
knockers.

All six of the girls start talking at once.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
The young lady with the big knockers
who is standing.

YOUNG LADY
Yes professor. Are you married?

TEACHER
Not anymore.

YOUNG LADY
So what do I have to do to get a
good grade in your class?

TEACHER
Do all of your work.
YOUNG LADY
Okay.
 46.

TEACHER
Study hard.

YOUNG LADY
Okay.

TEACHER
And pass the test.

YOUNG LADY
Okay. But couldn't I just sleep
with the teacher?

TEACHER
Sure. That would work too.

All of the students stand up and move away from their desks.
They go in to a song and dance routine. Except for the young
lady who stood up. The other five girls take the five guys
hands as they step out from behind their desks. The form a
background dancing and singing chorus for the young lady and
the teacher.

SONG
B

Song title-"Mr Teacher"

YOUNG LADY
Mr teacher. You are so fine. Mr
teacher. I wish you were all mine.
The boys my age are so immature.
You seem like you have it together
and are so self assured. Professor
Lover I want to know? Will you take
it real soft and slow?

TEACHER
My little student with the fine little
ass. I know my class is the one you
are going to pass. My little student.
You temp me so. You are not the
first that has wanted to know. How
good your professor is going to be
in bed.
YOUNG LADY
Mister teacher. I want you so.
Like I said before I just want you
to go slow. We could use your desk
after class. You could grade your
papers while you spank my ass.

TEACHER
That sounds like a great idea to me.
I grade on a curve and you are rather
curvy I see.
(MORE)
 47.

TEACHER (CONT'D)
You're built like a house made of
bricks stacked real high. You're
full of breast and firm of thigh.
You must attract the attention of a
million guys.

The boys let go of their "dates" hands and rush over to

caress the young ladies body. The five girls show their
disapproval and shout in unison.

Song stops.

GIRLS

GIRLS (CONT'D)
HEY!

Song continues.

YOUNG LADY
You can have them. I want an older
man. One who knows how to bake my
clam. I want an older dude. Not
one who's young and smelly and crude.
Who just appreciates me nude.

Song stops.

BOYS
HELL YES!

Song continues.

YOUNG LADY
I want a man who also loves me for
my mind. Not just my fine behind.

Song ends.

BOYS
You could bounce a quarter off of
that thing and get change back!

TEACHER
Class dismissed. Everybody can leave.

The bell rings and all of the students start to leave. The
teacher stops the busty young lady.
TEACHER (CONT'D)
Except you miss. I though I saw you
copying off of another students test.
YOUNG LADY
That's not true.
 48.

TEACHER
I'm afraid it is. The camera in the
girls shower showed you doing it.

YOUNG LADY
Oh?

TEACHER
You'll have to stay after class. Do
some extra credit work.

YOUNG LADY
Oh.

TEACHER
It's either that or?

YOUNG LADY
Or what?

TEACHER
It's either that or I have to punish
you for being a very bad girl?

YOUNG LADY
How about I get extra credit for you
punishing me?

TEACHER
Okay.

YOUNG LADY
Then I could punish you.

TEACHER
Works for me.

The teacher and the young lady exit and the hosts returns.

HOST
Ah. To sir with love on the top of
my desk. That girls going to go far
someday. Maybe all the way to the
White House. Now on to the next
chapter in our vaginal saga. The
next step is marriage. Then having
babies.

First comes marriage.

The mother, father, daughter and Boy from the segment "The
first time" reenter the stage. The daughter and boy are
dressed as a bride and groom. The mother and father are
dressed up for a wedding too. They line up in the center
ready for a wedding ceremony.
 49.

HOST (CONT'D)
Well it looks like things have
progressed nicely from the first
time they met.

FATHER
Right. Right. Can we get this over
with?

MOTHER
This is a blessed occasion. So shut
the hell up.

HOST
The more things change. The more
they stay the same.

DAUGHTER
Could we not fight please?

BOY
Glad to be part of the family sir.

FATHER
Shut up. Just because you were the
first guy to run his choo choo train
through my daughters tunnel doesn't
mean I'm supposed to approve of this.

DAUGHTER
Daddy!

FATHER
I'm just saying that you shouldn't
run off and marry the first super
villain who manages to find the secret
entrance to your bat cave.

MOTHER
It's a vagina. Vagina. How many
times do I have to tell you that.
It's not a tunnel. Or a bat cave.
Or a holding company for the sperm
back. It's a vagina.

FATHER
Okay. If you say so. But that bat
cave one I got from your mother.
Because something scary flew out of
hers last Halloween.

DAUGHTER
Daddy!
MOTHER
It was probably my vagina angel going
out to look for a man who's penis is
bigger then his single digit IQ.
 50.

DAUGHTER
Mother!

MOTHER
Sorry.

DAUGHTER
Could we please get on with the
ceremony?

FATHER
Would you do the honors sir?

The father hands the host a bible.

HOST
Well I don't know. I've never done
this sort of thing before. I'm not
sure if I'm legally able to do this
for you.

The lead and junior attorneys enter.

LEAD ATTORNEY
So you want to join these two in
holy matrimony?

HOST
Yes.

MOTHER
Please get it right. Since we were
joined in an unholy matrimony.

FATHER
We may need an exorcism after this.
Is that extra?

HOST
Not if you paid with a credit card.

FATHER
Will you take cash?

HOST
Always. So am I able to do this?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Let's see here. Section forty two
of the international hosts code says
you may marry a cat and a dog.

HOST
A dog and a cat?

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
Yes. He said a dog and a cat.
 51.

HOST
I heard him the first time. Well
obviously they are not a dog and a
cat.

LEAD ATTORNEY
A cat and a dog.

HOST
What?

LEAD ATTORNEY
The regulation says a cat and a dog.
Not a dog and a cat. These
regulations are very specific and
must be followed to the letter.
Otherwise a cat might end up married
to a donkey. Or some such thing.

FATHER
I'd like to see that honeymoon.

HOST
So what does it say about human
beings?

LEAD ATTORNEY
Lets see here.

HOST
Yes lets.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Human beings. Human beings. Are
you sure they're human?

HOST
Well of course. Look at them.

FATHER
Don't look at the wife. It might
throw you off a bit.

MOTHER
Look who's talking Buffalo butt.
FATHER
I would be talking about anyone else's
ass if I was you.
BOY
I think your wife has a nice ass.

The daughter hits him.

BOY (CONT'D)
Well she does. I'm sure it looks
just like your's snuggle bunny.
 52.

FATHER
Except my daughters ass isn't on the
floor.

Everyone begins to argue.

HOST
Please. Please everybody. Can we
just get on with it? Now for the
last time. What does it say about
me marrying them?

LEAD ATTORNEY
You can.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
You can.

HOST
You sure?

LEAD ATTORNEY
I am.

JUNIOR ATTORNEYS
He is.

HOST
Well then with the power invested to
me by the international hosting
league. I now pronounce you man and
wife. Or dog and cat.

LEAD ATTORNEY
Cat and dog.

HOST
Whatever. You may now kiss the bride.

The daughter and boy kiss as the mother grabs the boys ass.

FATHER
Stop that.

HOST
Now on to the honeymoon.

The curtain falls covering up everybody but the host. We

hear a man and a women moaning and groaning.
DAUGHTER (O.S.)
Mother get off of him.

MOTHER (O.S.)
Sorry. Couldn't resists.

DAUGHTER (O.S.)
Father get off him too.
 53.

FATHER (O.S.)
Sorry. Couldn't resists either.

DAUGHTER (O.S.)
Mom and Dad go out. Husband goes
in.

HOST
That sounds like more fun then my
honeymoon.

Host exits. The curtain goes up and we are in a hospital

delivery room. The mother, father, daughter and boy are
there. Also present is the doctor and nurse from "The
gynecologist" segment. The now pregnant daughter is on the
table in a hospital gown. The boy, father and mother plus
the gynecologist are in green scrubs.

FATHER
Can we order a pizza. I'm getting
hungry.

GYNECOLOGIST
I though that's what we were waiting
here for? Nurse check on our pizza.

NURSE
Right away doctor.

MOTHER
You're supposed to be delivering a
baby.

GYNECOLOGIST
Hurry. Get up on the table.

MOTHER
Not me you idiot. My daughter.

GYNECOLOGIST
You're having a daughter.
Congratulations.

FATHER
Look doctor. Let me put this in as
scientific a way as I possibly can.
The bun is in that oven. Not this
one. This va ja ja has been
compromised. It's taken a licking
and the clock is ticking. Her flower
has been fully pollinated.

GYNECOLOGIST
I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?

MOTHER
Doctor please.
(MORE)
 54.

MOTHER (CONT'D)
I know you two idiots could keep
babbling to each other for hours.
But I'm in a hurry.

GYNECOLOGIST
Well let me see what I can do here.
Oh my it's a pregnant woman and we're
in a hospital. Nurse what happened?

NURSE
Well. I figure that his thingie
went in to her thingie. Now something
wants to come out of her thingie.
That's how babies are made.

GYNECOLOGIST
Very interesting. Is there some
book some where that I can read about
this? Maybe there is a school
somewhere I can go to to be trained
in this?

NURSE
I may have heard of something called
a medical school. I'm not sure about
the details. But I'll check.

The daughter groans out in pain.

FATHER
If I'm not going to get a pizza
anytime soon could we please deliver
this baby.

GYNECOLOGIST
Right. Abra kadabra. I know command
the spirits to release this child
from it's mothers womb.

MOTHER
Oh brother.

We see a baby doll shoot out from between the daughters legs.

GYNECOLOGIST
It's a boy.

Another baby shoots out.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
No. It's a girl.

NURSE
It's one of each doctor.
 55.

GYNECOLOGIST
I didn't know that could happen. Is
there a term for this?

MOTHER
Twins?

GYNECOLOGIST
I was thinking more like two babies
from the same vagina.

FATHER
Twins?

GYNECOLOGIST
Gesundheit!

DAUGHTER
I'm so happy. I want to have a
million more. Mom? Where are you
going with my husband? Mom.

Curtain closes. Host reenters.

HOST
One big happy family. Let's give
them all a big hand. The new
grandfather with his daughter and
child. Say where did her mother and
husband go?

We hear an offstage sexual groan.

HOST (CONT'D)
Oh. Yes. Well on to the next
sequence. Menopause. It is not the
pause that refreshes. There are
many symptoms of menopause. Why do
they call it menopause when it affects
women? Oh well. There are many
symptoms of menopause. Such as hot
flashes.

Woman number one. Forty something comes out on stage and

jumps on the host kissing him.
HOST (CONT'D)
Why thank you. Now go stand over
there. Night sweats
Woman number two. Another forty something woman comes on
stage and stands next to woman number one. She is then
drenched with a bucket of water.
HOST (CONT'D)
Vagina dryness.
 56.

Women number three. Also forty something walks on stage.

Sand is trailing from between her legs as she walks on and
takes her place in line.

HOST (CONT'D)
Irritability.

One of the women throws as wad of paper at the back of the

hosts head.

HOST (CONT'D)
Changes in odor.

The three women move away from each other and begin fanning
their noses as if someone passed gas. Then we hear the sound
of someone passing gas.

HOST (CONT'D)
Electric shocks.

A woman comes out on stage and shoves a cattle prod in to

the hosts behind causing him to jump.

HOST (CONT'D)
What the devil. Not me you silly
ninny. Do you think I'm going through
menopause? Are you mad?

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD

Mood swings.

HOST
Fatigue.

The women in line all fall down.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD

Breast pain.

The host starts to feel his chest as if in pain.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)

Headaches.

The host grabs his head.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)
Anxiety.

The host looks anxious.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)

Irregular periods.
The host puts his hands between his legs and cross them.

HOST
Stop it.
 57.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD

Panic disorder.

The host looks around in panic. Then a good looking blonde

girl in a bikini and heels walks across the stage in front
of the host. He ignores her. The a good looking man in a
bathing suit walks across the stage and the host begins to
walk after him.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)

Loss of libido.

The host stops.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)

Hair loss, sleep disorders, difficulty
concentrating, gum problems, muscle
tension, itchy skin, tingly
extremities, digestive problems,
dizziness, weight gain, incontinence,
brittle nails, bloating, allergies,
irregular heartbeat, burning tongue,
joint pain and headaches. These are
all signs and symptoms of menopause.
Thank you and good night.

She shocks the host in the behind again and leaves the stage.
She is almost off stage and comes back.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD (CONT'D)

Of yes. Osteoporosis.

She shocks the host again then exits.

HOST
Holy crap. Thank God I'm not a woman.
At least not till the operation is
complete. The things your poor little
vaginas have to endure on a daily
basis.

The host exits and the remaining women go in to a song and

dance number.

SONG
Song title-"I got the menopause blues."

SONG-ALL (verse)
I got vaginal dryness in my crotch.
I feel like I'm about to rot. I've
got vaginal dryness in my slot. Its
making me itch in a special spot.
I've got night sweats that leave me
drained. I have panic attacks that
screw up my brain. I've got no libido
in my crack.
(MORE)
 58.

SONG-ALL (verse) (CONT'D)

My bobs hurt so you better not touch
my rack! My mood swings from good
to bad.

SONG-ALL (CONT'D)
Sometimes I feel like killing my
children's dad. I feel tired and my
hairs keeps falling out. I can't
sleep or think. I just want to shout.
I cannot remember the things I ate.
I also seemed to have gained a ton
of weight. When I sneeze or laugh
my pee goes all over the place.

CHORUS
I got the menopause blues. It does
some bad things to you. I got the
menopause blues. It makes you not
want to screw. I hate the menopause
blues. All the bad things they said
are true. I got the menopause blues.
I hope they don't get to you.

VERSE)
My heart speeds up and beats so fast.
I get allergic to grass and start to
smell like my ass. I'm mad that no
one wants to look up my dress. My
whole life feels like a stinking
mess. My joints ache. My head hurts
and I'm depressed. I don't know how
much more I can take I do confess.
My tongue burns and I feel like I
got hit with an electric shock. My
sex life stinks because I don't want
no stinkin

Song stops. Women number one speaks these words.

WOMEN NUMBER ONE.

Cock a doddle doo.

We hear a rooster crow. Song continues.

SONG-ALL
My stomachs bloated like it just
wants to explode. I got tons of gas
coming out of my ass when I hit the
commode.

CHORUS
I got the menopause blues. I got
the menopause blues. It does some
bad things to you. I got the
menopause blues. It makes you not
want to screw.
(MORE)
 59.

CHORUS (CONT'D)
I hate the menopause blues. All the
bad things they said are true. I
got the menopause blues. I hope
they don't get to you. Just got
those menopause blues. My vaginas
feeling so blue. Can't stand these
menopause blues. Don't want these
menopause blues. When is this crap
going to be through? Just got the
menopause blues.

Song ends. Host enters.

HOST
Yes. I have the menopause blues
too. Just hate those menopause blues.

Women with cattle prod reenters without host noticing. She

shocks him in the behind.

HOST (CONT'D)
What was that for?

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD

Men who fake menopause.

She exits as the host rubs his behind.

HOST
The problem is I'm not faking. Lets
give all of these menopausal ladies
a big round of applause.

The women exit.

HOST (CONT'D)
Now on with the show. Unless someone
else wants to electrify my lovely
little ass? No? No takers? Okay.
Our next category in the tale in the
life of a vagina is about vaginal
rejuvenation. We call it vaginal
rebirth. It's about how to put the
love back in to your glove. The
grip back in to your Gladys Knight
and his Pip!

Host exits. A curtain comes up. We see a doctors waiting

room. A receptionist is sitting behind a desk. A middle
aged woman walks in and heads to the desk.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

I'm here to see the doctor.

RECEPTIONIST
I let him know you're here.
 60.

The woman takes a seat. The receptionist picks up the phone.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
Doctor your appointment is here.

The doctor from the gynecologist sequence and his nurse walk
out.

GYNECOLOGIST
Hello. You came here to have you
penis enlarged. Right?

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

I don't have a penis.

GYNECOLOGIST
This is amazing. You were born
without a penis.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

Yes butt..

GYNECOLOGIST
You were also born without a but?
Double amazing. But not a amazing
as your double nurse.

NURSE
Thank you doctor. And the girls
thank you too.

GYNECOLOGIST
Hopefully they'll thank me later.

NURSE
They will.

GYNECOLOGIST
So you were born without a penis and
a but?

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

No but..

GYNECOLOGIST
That's right. No but.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

I have a but. I don't have a penis
cause I'm not a man.

GYNECOLOGIST
Wow those operations are getting
better and better all of the time.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

I didn't have an operation.
(MORE)
 61.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN (CONT'D)

I have a but. I have no penis because
I was never a man.

GYNECOLOGIST
So let me see. Ass yes. Penis no.
Man never. So what are you here for
again?

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

To get back the Hoochie back in my
Choochie.

GYNECOLOGIST
Oh right. Right. Nurse what is a
Choochie?

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN

My vagina. My vagina.

NURSE
Her vagina. Her vagina.

GYNECOLOGIST
Thank you nurse. And I'll thank
your vagina later. Nurse. Prepare
the laboratory.

He pronounces it "la-bor-a-Tory"

The set lights get low and we hear thunder and see lighting
go off as if in a horror movie. We hear the doctor laugh an
ominous evil laugh. We hear the nurse scream a horror movie
scream as more thunder and lighting go off. Then the lights
come up and we see what looks like the set of a Frankenstein
movie. A high ceiling room with scary looking medical devices
all around. The walls made out of brick. A gurney with the
middle aged woman on it covered by a sheet. The doctor and
nurse are in hospital scrubs along with the receptionist.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
Nurse scalpel.

NURSE
Right here doctor.
She hands him a large knife.

GYNECOLOGIST
Wow. Be careful. Okay. I'm going
in. Nurse. If I don't come back
alive tell my family that I loved
them.
NURSE
Yes doctor.

He lifts the sheet and begins to work.

 62.

GYNECOLOGIST
Lets see. The odometer reads ninety
seven thousand miles. Don't know if
that's rolled over once or twice
yet. The carburetor is still in
pretty good shape. Lets see. There's
a minor oil leak. Got that fixed.
We'll have to replace the points and
plugs.

RECEPTIONIST
Doctor? Do you know anything about
vaginas?

GYNECOLOGIST
What's a vagina?

NURSE
It's right there doctor.

GYNECOLOGIST
Oh. It is. Just a few more parts
to replace. There. I think that's
got it all fixed up. Nurse.

NURSE
Yes doctor?

GYNECOLOGIST
Jumper cables.

She hands him a set of jumper cables that he puts under the
sheet. We hear the sound of an engine cranking, trying to
start. We hear it cranking again and again until finally
the sound of an engine roaring to life.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
It's alive. It's alive.

The lights go out and we hear the sound of thunder and see
lighting again. When the lights come back up gurney is gone.
We see a standing figure covered in the same sheet that was
on the gurney. The gynecologist pulls the sheet off. The
women is not the same middle aged women we saw in his office.
She is now a tall dark haired busty women dressed in a short
tight outfit and heels.

GYNECOLOGIST (CONT'D)
Damn I'm pretty good.
The women with the cattle prod walks on stage.

WOMEN WITH CATTLE PROD

I want that operation.

SONG

Song title-"Rejuvenation."
 63.

SONG-ALL
Rejuvenation. It's alive. Her
vaginas not a sports car. But it
can drive. Rejuvenation it's alive.
Instead of feeling old. Her vagina
feels like it's twenty five.
Rejuvenation. It's alive. I think
her sex life will survive.

SONG-WOMAN WITH CATTLE PROD

Rejuvenation it's a shock. Now you
can be a cougar and get some younger..

Song stops.

RECEPTIONIST
Cock a doodle doo.

We hear a rooster crow. Then the song continues.

SONG-NURSE
Rejuvenation. It's just so fun.
Have an operation and date someone.
Someone who's as young as your son.

SONG-GYNECOLOGIST
Rejuvenation. This doctors done.
He'll perform this operation on
everyone. If your a man I can give
you a whole new gun.

SONG-ALL
Rejuvenation. It's alive. Her
vaginas not a new sports car. But
it will work till she's a hundred
and five. Just pop the clutch and
start to drive. Rejuvenation. It's
alive. Instead of feeling old. Her
vagina feels like it's only twenty
five. Rejuvenation. It's alive. I
think her sex life will probably
revive. Rejuva. Rejuva.
Rejuvenation.

Song ends. Curtain closes. Host reenters.

HOST
Well that was just lovely. So what
is next in the life of a vagina?
An old women in a wheel chair slowly rolls herself out on
stage.

OLD WOMAN
I'm coming. I'm coming.

HOST
Well good for you. I wished I was.
 64.

OLD WOMAN
No. I haven't had that pleasure in
quite along time. But I've had my
eye on you for quite a long time.

HOST
Oh you have. Have you.

OLD WOMAN
Yes and I'm about to turn one hundred.

HOST
Wonderful.

OLD WOMAN
Would you please do me the pleasure
of banging this old lady just one
last time before I go?

HOST
Why I'd be honored. Well that
concludes our show on the live cycle
of the vagina. From start to finish..

OLD WOMAN
Can you please hurry it up honor. I
beginning to dry up a little bit
here.

HOST
From start to finish. From birth
to..

He looks over at the old lady in the wheel chair who seems
to have expired.

HOST (CONT'D)
Death.

A man enters and begins to wheel here out of the way.

HOST (CONT'D)
We celebrate the vagina.

A curtain goes up and we see most of the characters from the

play. An American flag is unfurled in the back of the stage.
Confetti and red, white and blue streamers come down. We
hear the sound of fireworks going off. A man dressed as
Uncle Sam comes on stage on stilts.
SONG

Song title-"Everybody love your vagina."

SONG-ALL
Everybody love your vagina. Everybody
needs to care.
(MORE)
 65.

SONG-ALL (CONT'D)
Everybody love your vagina. Everybody
needs to share. America loves their
vaginas. So please don't wear any
underwear. Everybody love your
vagina. Take it with you everywhere.
Everybody wants a vagina. Treat
yours with care. Everybody love
your vagina.

Singers lover their singing voices as the host speaks. They

keep singing "Every love your vagina" over and over again.

HOST
Well I hope you all had a good time.

A young man rushes up to him with some papers in his hand.

YOUNG MAN
The reviews are in.

HOST
How can the reviews be in? We've
just ended the show.

YOUNG MAN
Here they are.

He hands the host the a paper.

HOST
Joe Turner. Herald Examiner. "I
love vaginas and I love America.
But today I love them even more.

The young man hands him another paper.

HOST (CONT'D)
William Watson. Saturday Gazette.
Vaginas are our friends. Without
vaginas the world would be a very
sad place.

He hands the host another paper.

HOST (CONT'D)
This one is from the former President.
"The rich and varied history of the
vagina is revealed in this great
historical play. As an American I
salute the freedom of vaginas. I
salute the freedom of vaginas
everywhere. We can only hope that
all vaginas of the world will one
day also be free.

The end.
66.