Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Get Ready for more gasps of delight with

Another Fantastic selection of Gasonga Jokes

August 2003 – Issue 16

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Version date: August 2003

Collated by: http://gasonga.com/

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Bestsellers for Baldazzini from Amazon.com

Casa Howhard
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Ines la Ragazza Pneumatica/Ines The Pneumatic Girl
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Stella Norris: Hurricane No 1
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Baldazzini & Saudelli's Bzarreries Book Two
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She.Dom: The Awakening of Chiara Rosenberg
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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Sunday school

Rick and Adam are having a sleep over. Rick says to Adam, "I'm going to stay up late so I
fall asleep in Sunday school tomorrow."

Sure enough the next day Rick falls asleep in Sunday school. The Sunday school teacher
asks,
"Who is our Lord and savoir?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick shouts,
"OH MY GOD!" The teacher says,
"Nice Job Rick!"
Next she asks,
"Who died on the cross for us?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick exclaims,
"JESUS CHRIST!"
"Good!" says the teacher.
Next the teacher asks,
"What did Eve say to Adam after they had all their children?" Again, Adam pokes Rick
with the pencil and Rick screams,
"Adam, if you poke me with that thing one more time I'm break it in half and shove it up
your ass!"

The country fair

A guy goes to a country fair with his wife and they start looking at the livestock. The
first display is all the bulls. The first bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says,
“50 times last year. You could learn from that.”
The next bull has a sign that says,
“This bull mated 65 times last year.” Again the wife says,
“65 times in a year. You could learn from this one as well.” The next bull has a sign that
says, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
“Wow!” says the wife, “365 times last year. That’s every day. You really could learn from
this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Why don’t you go and inquire if it was 365 times
with the same cow.”

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

News flash.

Yet more criticism for the American administration in Baghdad today. Apparently the
pigeons are extremely angry. They say since all the statues have been removed and
they’ve got nowhere to crap.

Alone in the forest

If a man is alone in the forest and makes a statement and there is no woman to hear
him, is he still wrong?

The Anthropologist

An Oxford Anthropologist is reading an old book about Africa when he finds an

astonishing statement. “The women of one central African tribe had vaginas 4 inches
wide and 10 inches deep.” Amazed and determined to check the claim he immediately
flies to Africa.

After months trekking through the jungle he finds the tribe and has a private meeting
with the chief.
“I’ve heard that the women in your tribe have vaginas 4 inches wide and 10 inches deep.
Is it true?”
“Dat's right!" replies the chief with a puzzled look.
“But… But how can you possibly have sex with a woman who has a vagina that size?” asks
professor.
“Dat’s no problem!” says the chief, “Dey stretch, dey stretch!”

In service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque
that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American
flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible, when he asked,
"Which service? The 8:30 or the 11:00?"

Q: Why did the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

A: He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

The Looney Bin

Late one night at an insane asylum an inmate shouts, “I’m Napoleon!”

His pal says, “How do you know?”
“God told me!” replies Napoleon.
A voice from across the room shout back, “No I Bloody didn’t!”

Q: What do you say to a girl with a fallen hemline?

A: Baloney

Bigger Boobs

A girl wants bigger boobs but doesn’t fancy surgery. So she goes to see an alternative
medicine practitioner, Dr. Beaver.
Dr. Beaver says, “You need to rub your breasts every day and say, ‘Scoobie, Doobie,
Doobie I want bigger boobies.’”
The girl thinks, “It I’ll give it a try.”

The next day she is running late for work and decides to do her exercises on the train.
After see her doing the ritual a guy come over to her and asks, “Are you a patient of Dr.
Beaver's?”
“Yes how do you know?” she answers.
With one hand in his pocket he replies, “Hickery dickery dock.”

Should I lie?

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could
possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie I'll win the case. But
then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."
His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but..."
"But, what?"
"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat
you in bed."
Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"
Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."

Q: Where does an astronaut leave his space ship when on a strange planet?
A: At a Parking Meteor.

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly a massive plate of smoked salmon
sandwiches hits him on the head. The sandwiches are followed by crisps, sausage rolls
and chicken drum sticks.
"Oh Man!" he gasps as he takes his last breath, “It’s Buffet the Vampire Slayer!”

Golf lessons

Four guys are waiting at the men’s tee for four ladies who are hitting from the ladies
tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the last one tees off she hacks it dribbles
about 10 feet. She walks over to it and hacks it about 80 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, “I guess all those
fucking lessons I took this winter haven’t helped.”
One of the guys immediately replies, “Now there’s your problem. You should have taken
golf lessons instead.”

Q. What do you call a girl who has a horn collection with two saxophones?
A. A horny bisaxual.

The News

News Flash: A chain of sex shops have recently introduced a line of inflatable dolls
modelled on Palestinian women. They’re not cheap, but when you get them home they
blow themselves up.

News Flash: The blonde space program had a set back today.
One of the astronauts fell out of the kite.

News Flash: A group of blonde prostitutes have been picking a well-known ‘Do It
Yourself’ chain.
They says it their job to give people a hand.

New Flash: A blonde ventriloquist’s dummy has left her. The dummy says she’s too thick
to work with.

News Flash: Today Police found a Scotsman at kings Cross station who was deeply
distressed. Apparently his luggage had disappeared. On further investigation police
found that the cork had fallen out.

News Flash: After visiting a duck petting zoo, some of the kids have been very upset.
A spokesman for the zoo said, “While touching the ducks some of the kids started
feeling down.”

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

News Flash: A new study out today revealed how women feel about the size of their
arse.
85% of women think their arse is too big.
10% of women think their arse is too small.
And 5% said they don't care, they married him and will love him whatever the size.

Q and A Jokes

Q: How can you recognise a blonde in a car wash?

A: She’s the one in the open top sports car, with the roof down!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that bought a washing machine on hire purchase?
A: It was 100% down with zero to pay every week for 10 weeks.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was spotted by police carrying two bags of
phones?
A: When questioned she said she’s got a new job at a jazz club and that they’d asked her
to bring a couple of sacks of phones.

Q: Did you hear about the naught chicks?

A: Its mother said if your father could see you now he’s be turning in his gravy.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that picked up a hick-hiking witch?
A: When she started stroking his leg he turned into a lay by.

Q: How can you spot a blondes pencil?

A: It’s got an eraser at both ends.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to see a mind reader?
A: She got her money back.

Q: Why did the blonde cut a hole in her umbrella?

A: She wanted to know when it stopped raining.

Q: Did you hear about the new divorced Barbie doll?

A: It come complete with all Ken’s stuff.

Q: How do you know if you are talking to a modern woman?

A: If you ask about cooking and fucking, she says, “Are they towns in China?”

Q: When a woman makes a fool of a man what’s happened?

A: She’s improved him!

Q: When a Japanese man has an Erection what does he do?

A: Goes to the polling booth to vote.

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Q: What do you give to the blonde who has everything?

A: Some Penicillin.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde’s definition of copulate?

A: It’s an Italian policeman that’s late for work.

Q: What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A: A computer that never goes down.

Q: How does a woman know if her skirt is a micro-mini?

A: If it were any shorter I’d be called a belt.

A journalist is interviewing a 100-year-old man.

“Sir, What’s contributed to your longevity?” asks the journalist.
“Well,” says the old timer, “I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t eat meat and I don’t fool
around with women.”
“OK” says the hack, “And with such a boring life, why do you want to live so long?”

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist and says,

“Doc, do you think it’s normal for a bloke to want to marry a elephant?”
“Absolutely not,” says the psychiatrist.
“Right then just one more question. Would you be interested in buying a very large
engagement ring?”

A blonde guy is sat in a pub wearing one red sock and one blue one sock.
“That an unusual combination of socks,” says his mate.
“Not really,” replies the blonde guy, “I’ve got another pair just like it at home.”

A blonde girl is sat in the top of an oak tree. A policeman sees her and asks,
“How did you get up there?”
“I’m not sure,” says the blonde, “I think I might have fallen asleep on a acorn.”

A guy walks into his house to check how the blonde painter is getting on. When he finds
her she is dripping with sweat.
“Why don’t you take off you jacket?” asks the owner.
“O I can’t do that,” says the blonde, “I says on the tin apply two coats.”

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

It's a Period

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting
and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she
asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then
Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

The Brothel

A guy goes to a brothel with 20 bucks to spend.

“What can I get for 20 bucks?” he asks.
“No much,” says the madam. But they eventually find a girl that agrees to do it for 20.
They go to the bedroom and he shags her. But, it’s one of the most painful shags he’s
ever had. His dick is sore for a week afterward.
A month later, the same guy goes to the same brothel but this time with 80 bucks.
“What can I get for 80 bucks?” he asks the madam.
The same girl takes him to a bedroom, but this time he has the best shag of his life.
While getting dressed he says,
“The last time I shagged you it was unpleasant and painful but this time it was really
great. What’s the difference between a 20 buck shag and an 80 buck shag?”
“O,” she says, “For the extra 60 bucks I pick all the scabs off before hand.”

A pretty but distraught model took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, you’ve hot to help me," she pleaded. "Every time a man takes me out, I wind up in
bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty about it."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to help strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, NO!" she exclaimed. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty."

A blonde is at school and the teacher asks her,

“If I have 18 potatoes and I dived them equally between 6 people, how would you do it?”
“Difficult,” says the blonde “I guess I’d boil them, them mash them.”

A blonde was at work and hears a hilarious joke. But, she refused to take the joke home
with her as she thought that will be carrying the joke a bit too far.

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

A blonde was given some water skis for her birthday. When her pal next sees her she
asks, “Have you used the water skis yet?”
“No,” replies the blonde there aren’t any lakes with hills on them around here.”

A blonde rushes into a police station and says,

”I’ve just seen a guy has just stealing my car.”
“Did you get a good look at him?” asks the cop.
“No,” she says, “but I got his registration plate number.”

A blonde is walking down the street when she sees a sign ‘Manual Labour Wanted.’
She thinks, “I didn’t know Spanish trade unions are illegal.”

Did you hear about the blonde explorer that bought 20 sheets of sand paper?
She thought it was a map of the Sahara.

Did you hear about the blonde that was offered an aperitif by French man?
She said, “No that’s I don’t need dentures.”

Did you hear about the blonde that when to the zoo? She followed the sign for Ladies
and was really annoyed when she got there. All the cages had door blotted shut so you
couldn’t see the exhibits.

Did you here about the blonde that was invited to a barbecue?
She said, “No thanks I don’t want to wait in line for a hair cut.”

Did you hear about the blonde that spent 2 hours in a car wash?
She thought, “It raining too hard to drive.”

Did you hear about the blonde that bought a unique Rembrandt?
It’s the only one he did with a ballpoint pen.

What are there only 20 hours in a blonde’s day?

Did you ever see a blonde with more than ten fingers and toes?

Did you hear about the blonde pilot that was asked for her height and position?
She replied, “5 Foot 6 at the front of the plane.”

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Gasonga Jokes August 2003

Why wasn’t Jesus born in France?

They couldn’t find three wise men or a Virgin.

Did you hear about the blonde who was asked to a meeting at ‘Royal Enfield?’
She replies, “Why are we having a meeting in the field where the queen keeps her
chickens!”

Did you hear about the blonde that wanted to take her car in for a service?
She couldn’t get it through the church door.

Why don’t lawyers like lying on the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.

An Irishman has just finished having sex with a Scottish girl.

She says, “I thought Irish men were supposed to be big and thick.”
He replies, “And I thought Scots where supposed to be tight.”

Did you hear about the Dutch boy that stuck his finger in a dyke?
She punched his face in.

End

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