20/6/2014 Husband Frustrated over Wifes Lack of Interest in Sex

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Updated 06/18/2014 02:27 PM

Husband Frustrated over Wifes Lack of Interest in Sex
QUESTION

Why do I have to beg and plead with my wife any time I want to enjoy sex with her? I have a very high sex drive, and she has a
very low sex drive. Time and time again she tells me, "I'm not in the mood tonight." I respond that there are all kinds of things I
do for her when I'm "not in the mood" - go to work, wash the dishes, help with the housework. How is her "not in the mood"
different from my "not in the mood?"
ANSWER

Whether you want to hear it or not, discomfort with sex is very different from discomfort with a job or some other unpleasant but
necessary aspect of life. This is especially true for women.
Marital sex is not a mere chore or a mechanical act carried out to satisfy one or both partners bodily needs. At least it
shouldnt be. From a Christian perspective, sex is the ultimate expression of physical, emotional, and spiritual unity between a
husband and wife. Its a wondrous, beautiful, holy, self-transcendent, and sacramental experience. Its a picture of the mystery
of Christs relationship with the church (Ephesians 5:31).
Hold that biblical image in your mind for a moment. Then ask yourself the following question: do I seriously want to compare my
wifes feelings about sex with my own attitude toward taking out the garbage? The answer should be obvious.
If you really want to understand your wife, remember this: for a woman, sex requires a willingness to be vulnerable,
transparent, and open to her husbands advances. It involves an ability to trust. This is an ability which will need special
nurturing if shes had a history of childhood abuse, date rape, or mistreatment by men. If she feels used, or if shes
uncomfortable for any reason with any aspect of the sexual act, she wont be able to relax and enjoy the moment.
If youre pushing your wife into doing things shed rather not do, youre squelching her openness and vulnerability. Youre
destroying her ability to trust. Youre forcing her into a corner where she has no choice except to adopt a defensive attitude. That
spells death to genuinely meaningful intimacy. And that means that the sexual relationship is less than fulfilling for both of
you.
Professional therapy can also be a big help to couples in your situation. You can get the process started by speaking with one
of our counselors over the phone. They are available to speak with you Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m.
Mountain time at 855-771-HELP (4357). The Family Help Center staff member who answers the phone will arrange for a
licensed counselor to call you back. One of them will be in touch just as soon as they're able.. If youre interested, our
Counseling staff can provide you with referrals to trained therapists in your area. Our goal is to help you find the best Christian
care available.
Copyright 2010, Focus on the Family. Used by permission.
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Related Video
In this iQuestions video from Focus on the Family, Gary Smalley offers ideas for husbands who want to rekindle their wives'
sexual feelings.
20/6/2014 Husband Frustrated over Wifes Lack of Interest in Sex
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Resources
No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex and Intimacy in Marriage (http://family.christianbook.com/more-headaches-enjoying-and-
intimacy-marriage/julianna-slattery/9781589975385/pd/5011433?&p=1143704&event=ORC) (book)
The Way to Love Your Wife: Creating Greater Love and Passion in the Bedroom
(http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=7445X&p=1143704&event=ORC) (book)
Removing Excuses In the Bedroom (http://family.christianbook.com/removing-excuses-bedroom-julianna-slattery/pd/534943?
p=1143704&event=ORC) (CD)
Red-Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle (http://family.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?
item_no=916080&p=1143704&event=ORC) (book)
Intimate Issues: Conversations Woman-to-Woman (http://family.christianbook.com/intimate-issues-conversations-woman-
to/linda-dillow/9780307444943/pd/444944?p=1143704&event=ORC) (book)
Embracing God's Design for Marital Intimacy (http://family.christianbook.com/embracing-gods-design-for-marital-
intimacy/linda-dillow/pd/1000685?p=1143704&event=ORC) (broadcast)
Referrals
Passionate Commitment (http://www.passionatecommitment.com/) An organization directed by Dr. Clifford and Joyce
Penner that offers resources and seminars to educate couples and guide them toward the goal of achieving healthy sexuality.
Articles
Sex and Intimacy (http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy.aspx)
Coping With Sexual Anorexia and Aversion (http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000430.cfm)
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