A MODERN-DAY YOGINI

Victoria Huckenpahler
In December 1978, a 28 year old American woman, Suzi Joy Albright (ordained a !arma
"angmo#, entered a twel$e%year olitary retreat in a mall hut, he had hel&ed build with her own
hand in the ground o' !arma (riyana Dharmacha)ra, *i *oline the 1+
th
,yalwa !arma&a-
monatery in "oodtoc), .ew /or)0 She had already accom&lihed three retreat o' .g1ndro or
&reliminary &ractice and two hundred day o' .yungney 'ating &ractice0 In an inter$iew
&ublihed in 2h1 /ang 3, the &reent (ai Situ 4in&oche re'erred to her a 5the bet &ractitioner-0
(hat a "eterner would ha$e the courage and ingle%mindedne to accom&lih uch a long
retreat, rare e$en among (ibetan &ractitioner, necearily ga$e rie to much curioity0 6ccaional
word would li& out through 7onatery ta''er indicati$e o' the intenity o' "angmo- &ractice0
!hen&o !arthar, the reident Abbot and "angmo- 4etreat 7ater had li)ened her to 7ilare&a8 no
matter how di''icult the &ractice gi$en her he ne$er com&lained, but re&onded only with 9oy0
.onethele, by late 199: a the time grew near 'or "angmo to end her retreat, many &eo&le
wonder what )ind o' &eron would emerge;
"angmo tall and turdily built, with hand and 'eet that are more wor)man%li)e than
'eminine, he nonethele gi$e an o$erall im&reion o' grace0 <ut &erha& her mot tri)ing
'eature i her emotional inde&endence0 *er detachment i o total that it i diconcerting0
"hen I remar)ed, 'or intance, that it might be di''icult 'or her to do her daily &ractice
be'ore tranger during the three%day bu 9ourney on which he embar)ed immediately 'ollowing
thi inter$iew, he dimied the ub9ect wi'tly with the remar)= >/e, but a commitment i a
commitment, that- all0? (he 'inality o' her tone wa a reminder o' how o'ten mot o' u let worldly
conideration ideline Dharma &ractice0
Your path has been highly unusual, especially for a Western practitioner Di! you recei"e any
religious training, #hristian or other, as a chil!$
7y 'amily wan-t a''iliated with any religiou organiation at all0 In Arizona where I grew u& the
only e@&oure I had to religion wa through the 7e@ican &o&ulation and the 7ormon0 <ut the
ight o' cruci'i@e and o' &eo&le going door%to%door &reaching didn-t a&&eal to me0 7y im&reion
o' religion wa that it wa a blue collar thing baed on u&ertition0 (here wa nothing in$iting
about it0
Di! you at least ha"e personal spiritual leanings at that ti%e$
I remember in grammar chool I got into thi religiou bent and 'elt the need 'or &rayer and a ene
o' higher &ower, but it only lated a hort time0 I don-t )now what brought it on0
As a chil!, !i! you thin& a lot about helping others$
I don-t thin) noticeably more than anyone ele0 "hat did interet me wa alway the mind, how it
'unctioned and what caued it to dy'unction0 "hen I e$entually went to the Ani$erity (Arizona
State# I ma9ored in &ychology but in my 9unior year I le't to tra$el with the intention o' being away
one emeter0 A it turned out, I )e&t tra$elling 'or three year0
Di! you go to the East because you 'ere alrea!y intereste! in (u!!his%$
.o, at that &oint it wa 9ut 'or the ad$enture0 I lo$e to tra$el, being a nomad at heart, o I went
around the world through Buro&e, .orth America, Aia, the South Caci'ic and o on0 "hile I
wor)ed in Autralia, a 'riend with whom I had gone o$erland through Aia went bac) to .e&al
where he became in$ol$ed with the <uddhit0 I had no interet in <uddhim, but a'ter 'inihing
my degree at Arizona State I went to Dama (hubten /ehe- centre in !o&an 9ut to ee her0 (hi
wa in 197E0
"hen I arri$ed, I wa com&letely turned o'' by the whole cene0 7any &eo&le there eemed
unhealthy mentally and &hyically0 I remember a)ing my 'riend, >I thi <uddhim;?, and
thin)ing, >I' thi i what meditation i about, who need it;? .onethele, I attended the month%
long coure in !o&an taught by Dama Fo&a0 At the time my attitude wa that I wa trictly an
attendee, I wa no way in$ol$ed a a &artici&ant0 Gor thi reaon, I wa low to tart &rotrating0 It
9ut eemed to be one more tri& thee &eo&le were into0 <ut when Dama /ehe wal)ed in, I wear
he wa 9ut glowing0 /ou immediately ened that thi &eron )new omething that mot &eo&le
don-t0 7y 'ather wa a uni$erity &ro'eor, o I had met a lot o' &eo&le who were educated, but
none who were wie0 <ut Dama /ehe wa a wie a one could e$er get0 *i com&aion and
widom were o o$ert that you were really truc) by hi &reence0 A lot o' &eo&le can tal) Dharma,
but they don-t ha$e that e''ect on you0 I alway regarded him a a <uddha0 I' he weren-t a <uddha,
I don-t )now what could be0 It wa a'ter he came that I began ma)ing &rotration0
When !i! you !eci!e to ta&e refuge$
Dama /ehe wa gi$ing re'uge and lay &rece&t at the end o' that !o&an coure, but I had no
intention o' ma)ing commitment0 *owe$er, one day I wa ta)ing thi (ibetan mati'' 'or a wal),
and along came another huge dog who leaned u& againt me, a i' ee)ing &rotection0 (he three o'
u were tanding there o$erloo)ing the beauti'ul $alley with a herd o' water bu''alo0 It wa li)e a
Diney cene0 All thoe animal eemed to be loo)ing at me, reminding me o' 'ortunate human
rebirth, o that I 'elt the obligation to ta)e re'uge and one $ow= not to )ill0
"hen I ran bac) and a)ed to ta)e re'uge, I wa told I had to ta)e two $ow0 (hat
immediately bro)e my trideH I had no intention o' diru&ting my li'etyle to that e@tent0 A& until
then I had led the li'e o' a ha&&y hedonit0 ,rowing u& in the i@tie you had all the o&tion in
term o' ene &leaure0 I immediately ruled out $owing not to ta)e into@icant and not to engage
in e@ual miconduct, and intead ettled on $owing not to teal, a I had ne$er &articularly en9oyed
itH <ut it wa the animal who in&ired all thi0 (hey ha$e alway had a big im&act a 'ar a
moti$ating me to do the &ractice I more o than mot &eo&le0
I hate to thin) why I ha$e uch cloe contact with animal8 maybe we were e$en cloer in
our lat li$eH "hen I later did .yungne 'or e$en month in a tree houe not 'ar 'rom "oodtoc), I
had a huge Cerian cat with me0 *e wa dea', o when I did 2henrezig &ractice he would it on my
la& and I would &lay my bell o$er hi head without bothering him0
)o' !i! you co%e to ta&e nun*s "o's$
It all ha&&ened rather ra&idly0 A'ter I attended that 'irt !o&an coure in .o$ember 197E, I did a
Dam 4im grou& retreat 'or e$eral month, then a olitary Ja9raatt$a retreat in Dharamala 'or
three month0 In 'act, ince that time I ha$e been in retreat almot contantly with only brie' &ell
in between0 In .o$ember 197K I returned to !o&an and recei$ed ten $ow and robe 'rom Dama
/ehe with the thought that I would go to Dharamala and ta)e ordination in the ,elug&a tradition
with the Dalai Dama0 <ut around 7arch 197+ the !arma&a came to o''er a month%long cycle o'
!agyu wangs0 I attended that with Dama /ehe- bleing, and decided to be ordained by the
!arma&a in the !agyu tradition0
+o in one year*s ti%e you 'ent fro% not 'anting e"en to ta&e t'o "o's to being or!aine!
Was it !ifficult to %a&e so ra!ical a transition in so short a ti%e$
"e don-t )now where we ha$e come 'rom be'ore thi li'e, but I am ure many o' u ha$e $ery
trong <uddhit connection 'rom the &at0 6b$iouly, in other li$e I wa $ery connected with the
Dharma, o there wa really no conciou deciion on my &art0 Situation and circumtance 9ut
aroe o that the retreat were there and I
wa there, and e$erything 'ell into &lace
a 'ar a my doing them0 So I wa
&ro&elled to 'ollow in thi direction, and
there were no &articular obtacle0 I didn-t
'eel myel' e&ecially worthy o' all thi,
but I wa aware that I wa meant to be
doing it0 "hen I wa in retreat it wa the
only time that I 'elt I wa doing what I
hould be doing with my li'e0 It e$en
trancended contentment becaue it- o
natural0 "ith contentment there i a
certain amount o' el'%concioune
in$ol$ed, but with the retreat ituation it
wa a natural thing to be doing0 7aybe thi eem odd coming 'rom the &lace I wa in, but in
another ene, being obei$e%com&uli$e about ene &leaure can be hel&'ul i' you-re doing
&ractice0 "hat ha dri$en you in one direction can be redirected0
<eyond thi, I am the cold tur)ey ty&e0 I cannot mo$e in moderation0 I remember Dama
/ehe uing the &hrae, >Integrate Dharma into your li'e0? In my li'e that would be li)e mi@ing tar
and water0 So I would either ha$e to gi$e u& the one to do the other, or I would ha$e to 'orget the
Dharma0 And there wa a ide o' myel' which would ha$e &re'erred thatH <ut the Dharma ta)e all
the 'un out o' amara0 /ou-re le't with ignorance, but )nowing enough to ma)e you mierable0 I
ne$er wanted to be a nun, but ordination eemed &art o' the &roce0 7ilare&a aid, >I' you want to
do omething ue'ul with your li'e, 'ollow in my 'ootte&0? I really belie$e that0 So that i what
determined my &ath0 <ut I till don-t relate to being a nun0 I ee other ordained &eo&le, and I thin)
o' them a nun, but I don-t &articularly relate to that0 I could ne$er li$e in a monatic etting0 I-m
baically a loner, an e@tro$erted intro$ert0
,here 'ere se"eral tragic e"ents in your fa%ily- your father*s suici!e an! your brother*s
!eath in .ietna% Di! these ha"e any bearing on the life you ha"e chosen$
I don-t thin) that wa a determining 'actor0 6rdination wa omething that trancended thi
&articular li'etime0 <ut it ga$e the teaching more im&act0 It- true o' e$eryone that when tragedy
hit cloe to home, the idea o' attachment and death become clear0 /ou ee the 'utility o'
relationhi& whether they were $ery attached or un&leaant0 (hey all end0 "e wate uch
tremendou energy on thing o hort%li$ed0
Do you care to share your i%pressions of Gyal'a /ar%apa, 'ho beca%e your root 0a%a$
.ice ituation ha&&ened, but it i &robably better not to dicu them becaue i' you do, they loe
their igni'icance0 <ut it wa alway eay to be near him, literally and otherwie0 Actually, I didn-t
ee him that o'ten, but he alway a&&eared at the e@act moment when you needed direction0 Gor
intance, he came to my retreat hut !(D when I wa conidering how long I hould tay in retreat0
I thought, 'i$e minute with *i *oline, and I can get thi ettled0 And that wa about how long it
too) 'or him to gi$e me &ermiion to tay in retreat 'or twel$e year0
What 'as your %oti"ation for entering a t'el"e-year retreat$
In December 1978 I went in with the intention o' doing a three%year retreat0 !hen&o !arthar,
!(D- Abbot, had told me, >/ou build a hut, and I will teach you0? So I wor)ed a a health aide at
"oodtoc) while doing my third .g1ndro, and the money I earned 'rom that, &lu contribution,
made it &oible 'or me to build a hut with the hel& o' $olunteer 'or 9ut a 'ew hundred dollar0 A
'ar a e@tending the time 'or twel$e year, there i a twel$e%year cycle in the (ibetan calendar, and
7ilare&a meditated in retreat 'or twel$e year0 I 'elt that, gi$en the o&&ortunity and !(D-
)indne in u&&orting me, it would be a wonder'ul thing to do0 6n ome other le$el I-m ure it wa
in the game &lace long be'ore it ur'aced in my mind, becaue *i *oline eemed to ha$e the
ame thing in $iew0
During that ti%e !i! you e1perience any of the inner or outer obstacles %any yogis nor%ally
encounter in retreat$
In all honety, no0 I wa $ery 'ortunate becaue I wa ne$er really ill, which i unuual o$er a
twel$e%year &eriod0 Chyically I wa 'ine, and mentally e$erything went a well a I could ho&e
Lthi with a laughM0 6' coure, I could hear the 7onatery being built 'rom day one, but the noie
weren-t a &roblem becaue they become o 'amiliar0 I alo want to ay that anyone who, li)e
myel', ha !hen&o !arthar a a 4etreat 7ater i $ery 'ortunate, and need loo) no 'arther0 (he
man i about a &ure a anyone could &oibly be, and about a wie a anyone could ho&e to 'ind
in a teacher0
Along %ore general lines, you ha"e tol! %e things in!icating that you ha! an unusual turn of
%in! e"en before you 'ere in"ol"e! in (u!!his% 2 for instance, that you al'ays loo&e! on
the i!ea of a li%itless lifespan 'ith !istaste Was this "ie' brought on by e1periencing a great
!eal of personal suffering$
Death alway eemed li)e a great relie' to me0 6ld age wa ob$iouly not an a&&ealing ituation to
be in becaue the body 'ail0 And I-$e alway had the relationhi& with my body that when it 'ail
on me it- incredibly 'rutrating0 I admire &eo&le who ha$e lot leg or are Nuadri&legic, yet who
co&e0 I would 'ind that e@cruciating0 6n the other hand, taying young 'ore$er would alo be
boring, li)e 2ali'ornia weather0 .o eaon, all unhine0 <ut it wan-t u''ering that made me 'eel
thi way0 I-m not one o' thoe who ay that li'e i mierable, becaue it certainly in-t0 Di'e can be
wonder'ul, &eo&le can be ha&&y, there i lo$e, and that ty&e o' thing0 /ou don-t ha$e to u''er i' you
don-t want to0 I' you mo$e 'at enough, you can ha$e ene &leaure out o' your earH <ut that 9ut
become contant in&ut8 &eo&le who li$e li)e that become zombied out0 And anyway, the high are
o hort%li$ed0 So the main thing that ga$e me &aue wa, what i the &ur&oe o' li'e; Bach o' it
&hae i o tem&oral, and anyhow you wouldn-t want any o' them lating 'ore$er0
Out of your long years of retreat e1perience, !o you ha"e any realisations you can share in the
areas of e%ptiness an! One ,aste$
(he realiation ha to be omething e@&erienced0 All the tal) in the world won-t hel& omeone
undertand what em&tine i about8 only meditation will0 It can be more o' a hindrance than a hel&
to undertand em&tine intellectually0 (here ha been a lot aid about em&tine, but ob$iouly
$ery little e@&erienced becaue there are 'ew enlightened
being0
After being in retreat for so long, 'hich in"ol"e! a
co%%it%ent not to see anyone or be seen, you e%erge!
in Dece%ber 3445 to fin! %any people present, so%e of
'ho% ha! co%e fro% afar to atten! the cere%ony that
'as gi"en for you #oul! you !escribe your feelings
about such a ra!ical change of situation$
During retreat, !hen&o !arthar had aid, >Cretend you are a
thie' hiding0? So 'or twel$e year I wa attuned to that0 I
remember eeing my re'lection once in the burner o' my to$e dodging, thin)ing I had een
omeone0 6ccaionally I would by accident catch ight o' a 'oot or arm o' omeone coming to
lea$e 'ood at the hut door, but that wa all0 (here i a neceary intenity in maintaining that ort o'
olitude 'or retreat &ractice0 (hen, uddenly, you come out and ee all thoe &eo&le and they ee
youH It wa a blatant antithei to the way I had been li$ing, yet not wholly un'amiliar0 /ou 9ut
ado&t to ituation a they arie0 <eing in olitude o long, howe$er, reult in your identity
becoming $ery rare'ied0 7any &eo&le li$ing at !(D when I came out had not been there when I
went in0 (heir only contact with me wa my dirty dihe and laundry le't on my doorte&0 I )new
that I could dro& dead and the only way they would )now i that the dihe wouldn-t ha$e been le't
outideH Crobably a lot o' &eo&le who had been 'eeding thi thing were curiou a to what it wa
that would emerge0
You stri&e %e as the %ost !etache! person I e"er %et Was this the cause of your %o"ing
co%fortably into retreat situations, or is it the result of long years of solitary practice$
,rowing u&, I wa a ocially occu&ied a anyone, but I wa alway com'ortable alone0 (he only
thing uncom'ortable about it wa that you 'elt you houldn-t be com'ortableH I wa ne$er
&articularly needy in relationhi&0 Ceo&le were uually more attached to me that I wa to them0 I
wa ne$er attached to anyone that I couldn-t lea$e I $ery eaily0 I conider attachment to &eo&le
wore than attachment to $ice becaue with the 'ormer you are hindering other, dragging them
down0 It become di''icult 'or them to do Dharma &ractice i' they are tied by relationhi&0
While in retreat, !i! you feel at so%e le"el connecte! to the 'orl!, or 'ere you sufficiently in
another space that re-e%erging 'as a shoc&$
I alway 'elt that being in retreat wa a grou& &ro9ect0 I occaionally recei$ed mo$ing letter 'rom
&eo&le aying how in&ired they were to )now I wa doing the &ractice, and that it wa hel&'ul0 I-$e
ne$er ta)en any &eronal interet in my &ractice0 (he twel$e%year retreat ho&e'ully in&ired other
to do it0 It didn-t matter that it wa I, or how &oorly I wa doing it0 (he &oint wa that it wa being
done0 I )new that 'or twel$e year nothing mut inter'ere I 'elt I had to do thi0 It wa 9ut a minor
contribution to the como, 'or what it- worth0 <ut it wa not 9ut omething I wa doing8 we were
all rooting 'or one another0 (hoe &eo&le who u&&orted me while I wa in retreat were alo
creating good )arma0
(ut socially spea&ing, 'as it a shoc& to see ho' cri%e, for instance, ha! increase! since you
'ent in$
Actually, I-m im&reed with the Nualitie I ee in &eo&le who aren-t e$en <uddhit0 (hey ha$e a
tremendou amount o' com&aion, more in many cae than a lot o' &eo&le who ha$e been
<uddhit longer than they hould admit0 I thin) that in many cae there aren-t more &roblem than
there ued to be, but that &eo&le are more aware o' them0 *0 *0 the Dalai Dama made a good &oint
Lat the recent !alacha)ra initiation gi$en in .ew /or)M that the 'act that &eo&le are o hoc)ed by
the new i an indication o' how com&aionate we all are0 "e blare headline about thee atrociou
nightmare becaue &eo&le are diturbed by it0 Gor that reaon it ell &a&er0 <ut there- hardly a
&roblem, no matter how 'ar in le't 'ield it might be, that doen-t ha$e it own u&&ort grou&0 B$ery
iue that could &oibly come u& i being addreed0
You ha"e chosen not to be calle! Ani-la What is your reason for this$
Ani im&ly mean nun0 Among (ibetan it i not di&araging, but 9ut a &eo&le don-t li)e being
called 5boy- or 5girl-, I don-t li)e being called Ani0 I regard it a ort o' demeaning, but that- 9ut
my ta)e on it0 Anyway, I ne$er really related to being a nun0 "angmo i the hortened $erion o'
the name I wa gi$en at ordination0 I-m not into title0 I thin) it- &er'ectly all right to call omeone
by their name rather than a title0 (hat- com'ortable with me0
)o' !o you "ie' the status of 'o%en practitioners$
I thin) there are more women &racticing in the "et than in the Bat, and that their ituation i $ery
good0 .o one i going to to& anyone 'rom obtaining enlightenment0 All that- neceary i that one
be able to recei$e the teaching, and that one- own )armic ituation be 'a$ourable a 'ar a ha$ing
one- own body and mind together enough to be able to &ractice0 It- u& to the indi$idual8 no one i
going to be enlightened by &ro@y0 I' omeone want to &ut 'orth the e''ort in the ho&e o' bene'iting
all entient being and attaining enlightenment, no one i going to to& them0 Some o' the tronget
&ractitioner I-$e met are women becaue e$erything i telling them that they don-t really ha$e to
do it0 So the women who ay they are going to do it are uually $ery determined and diligent0
Do you ha"e any sense of your role in the Dhar%a in the future$
Dama /ehe told me in a &ecial moment, >/ou are going to teach0 B@&ect that0? So I antici&ated
that, though getting u& in 'ront o' a grou& o' &eo&le and lecturing i not my thing0 I ne$er recei$ed
the 'ormal training one get in a monatic etting where you go to chool 'or many year, o I
&robably )now a lot le about <uddhit &hiloo&hy than mot &eo&le who wal) into the room0
(here'ore, who am I to be lecturing; <ut I do 'eel obliged to do omething0 "hen you-$e been at
thi 'or twel$e year, &eo&le need you to be a$ailable in whate$er ca&acity0 <e'ore coming out o'
retreat, I did a) !hen&o !arthar i' I could tay in retreat 'or the ret o' my li'e0 *e aid, >/ou can
i' you want to0? I )new I hould come out, though, becaue my elderly mother wanted to ee me,
and maybe ome other &eo&le would want to ha$e me around 'or whate$er reaon0 Alo, I am one
who baically li)e to e@&oe entient being to Dharma0 I' a 'ly land on my leg, I thin) it-
au&iciou 'or both o' u, and I ay, let- ma)e the mot o' thi ituation0
(here will oon be a three%year retreat tarting at !(D- new retreat centre, and it eem I-ll
be hel&ing in ome ca&acity0
During your retreat years you ha! a sign on the !oor of your hut rea!ing- (u!!ha or (ust
Do you care to co%%ent on ho' far you*"e gone to'ar!s that goal$
(hat- till the loganH I don-t by any mean &retend to be enlightened, but e$en intellectually you
)now what the goal i, you can ee that de$elo&ing0 I may be a 'ool, but at leat I ha$e enough
ene to )ee& &racticing0 /ou ne$er get to a tate where you ay, >I-m too im&ure to &ractice0?
/ou-re not too ic) to ta)e medicineH "hen I met !yab9e Sa)ya (rizin, he aid, >/ou mut be
realied ince you did a twel$e%year retreat0? I re&lied, >I 9ut )ee& &racticing0?
Is there anything you 'oul! particularly li&e to say to people 'ho %ight rea! this an! other
practitioners$
6nly a a ort o' &e& tal) to all &eo&le &racticing all o$er the como who ometime 'eel remo$ed,
e&ecially women, who can 'eel a little etranged 'rom the <uddhit male hierarchy, there i room
'or e$eryone, and it i im&ortant that e$erybody &ractice and that no one be etranged 'rom anyone0
(here are &eo&le who can relate to whate$er &roblem you are e@&eriencing0 It i hel&'ul to tay in
touch with one another, networ) i' neceary0 I' you remember that your moti$ation i to bene'it all
entient being, you cannot go wrong0 I' you-re doing it 'or yourel' you can get bored with it, or
decide it- a hobby you don-t want to &urue anymore0 A long a you-re clear in your heart, it
doen-t matter how &oorly you-re doing it, 9ut )ee& doing it and e$erything ele will e$entually 'all
into &lace0
Do people fin! you greatly change! since you ha"e co%e out of retreat$
"hen I returned 'rom India a a 5meditator- in 197+, my iter aid he e@&ected thee &ro'ound
change, but it wa 9ut the ame old 'ool that had come bac)H (hat- the ecret, o' coure0