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Memorandum

To: Professor Karen Thompson
From: Ian Sullivan
Date: 22 June 2014
Subject: Assignment 1 Writing to Achieve a Readable Style

Present in the following is an analysis of prior writing to determine and improve the
readability and attempt at successful communicative strategies. I read a scientific report
on beavers and their impact on aquatic habitats, as well as the other organisms that
inhabit those systems. I found areas in which the writer could be more concise, be clearer,
improve precision, and eliminate unnecessary words and phrases. What that being said,
the writer was highly successful in establishing a consistent and professional tone
throughout and appropriately using jargon when necessary.

Being Concise
When reading through the report on beavers, there were several examples I found
showing room for improvement in the authors conciseness. The paragraph that follows is
an excerpt from the report containing in it a few of these examples. I have crossed out the
removed text and italicized that which replaced it.

In order for humans to be accustomed to or improve a certain environmental
setting For humans to a improve a particular setting, some sort of alteration or
building an alteration is typically constructed whether it is a house, a new store to
help improve business or the clearing of an area to make way for a parking lot.
The same concept goes for the beaver.

With these changes, the readability of the report increases as the reader doesnt have to
spend time on unnecessary words and the point comes across much more directly and
efficiently.

Being Clearer
The writer exhibited numerous cases in which what was being said was not being
conveyed as well as it could for the reader. Below are a few examples, followed by
revised versions of the excerpts in italics, why it is unclear or both.

Besides humans, the beaver has the second greatest impact with altering its
surroundings to fit their needs.

Second to humans, the beaver has the greatest impact altering its surroundings to
fit its needs.

In this first example, the original version of the excerpt makes it unclear just how great of
the impact is, as the poor wording makes it sound like humans have the second highest
with beavers ranking at third.

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A beaver typically builds a dam in relatively shallow and slow moving streams.

As it can be assumed that the report is for those with little to no knowledge of beavers
and their habitats, using the word relatively in the above sentence was a poor choice
because it offers nothing for the reader to compare the shallowness to.

Although beavers can have a negative impact on dry land and aquatic plant life,
by altering water and dry land habitat. Over a long period though, a beaver dam
can actually renew its surrounding ecosystem.

By altering water and dry land habitats, beavers can have a negative impact on
plant life. However, over a long period, a beaver dam can actually renew its
surrounding ecosystem.

This third example is very messy to begin with and needed a serious revision. It can be
noted that the revised version is much clearer and presents the idea in a much smoother
manner.

Improving Precision
Its important to be precise and to not leave the reader trying to decipher vague
terminology in order to understand presented concepts. Below are two prime example of
where the writer lazily uses clichd phrases, highlighted in red, that do little to offer the
reader a good sense of what is being said.

Not too long ago beaver numbers were low due to fur demand but in recent years
have rebounded dramatically.

Until recently, beaver numbers were low due to fur demand. In recent years,
however, these numbers has rebounded dramatically.

Up until recent years, the beaver was looked at as a menace to water bodies and
their surroundings.

Until ______, the beaver was looked at as a menace to water bodies and
surrounding areas.

Following each example is a potentially sufficient revised version, however exact dates
could still be provided by the writer to give better context and improve credibility.

Eliminating Unnecessary Words/Phrases
Throughout the paper, the writer sometimes spends too much time and too many words to
develop an idea that could be said in fewer. Below is an original excerpt as well as the
italicized revised version.

The objective of this paper will be to convey and describe the matter relating
beaver dams and their impact on the water quality nearby for both aquatic and
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plant life as well as the potential negative impacts that could affect humans due to
the dams. The discussion will mainly focus on sediment in the downstream end of
the dam as well as any problems with dissolved oxygen, which could influence
the organism in the stream. If the beaver actually does provide some sort of
beneficial use to the water quality, the surrounding ecosystem and aquatic
organisms, a negative and positive comparison of aspects from the beaver will be
compared to evaluate if the beaver is an actual helpful contributor to water quality
and the surrounding ecosystem.

Beaver damns have both a profound positive and negative impact on plant life
and its habitual effects. Among the most important aspects are the problems that
arise from sediment in the downstream end of dams, including the influence it has
on the organisms in the stream. If the beaver actually does provide some sort of
beneficial use to the water quality, the surrounding ecosystem and aquatic
organisms, a negative and positive comparison of aspects from the beaver will be
compared to evaluate if the beaver is an actual helpful contributor to water
quality and the surrounding ecosystem.

The new version of this paragraph both presents the ideas in quicker fashion, as well as in
a much more confident way. Phrases such as The objective of this paper and the
discussion will mainly focus on are both redundant and useless, and leave the writer
telling the reader rather than effectively showing.


Tone
Perhaps where the writer of this scientific report exceled the most is in the tone that he
used. He consistently uses both a professional and academic tone and never strays from
it, allowing the reader to be immersed in the topic with minimal distractions.

Jargon
Jargon can both immensely help and drastically hurt an essay. The writer does a good job
in minimizing the use and only using it when it is necessary. This allows for the reader to
never become too lost in trying to figure out what is being said, and the proper word
choice appropriately presents the topic to those who even with minimal knowledge can
conclude their reading with a much greater sense and knowledge of beavers and their
impact on their habitats.