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CINDERELLA
I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
Just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first it right,
The it where, in the dead of night,
The !gly "isters, #ewels and all,
$eparted for the %alace &all,
While darling little 'inderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
&egan to nile at her feet.
"he ellowed '(elp)' and '*et me out)'
The Magic +airy heard her shout.
Appearing in a la,e of light,
"he said, 'My dear, are you all right-'
'All right-' cried 'indy. ''an't you see
'I feel as rotten as can e)'
"he eat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, '.et me to the &all)
'There is a $isco at the %alace)
'The rest ha/e gone and I am #alous)
'I want a dress) I want a coach)
'And earrings and a diamond rooch)
'And sil/er slippers, two of those)
'And lo/ely nylon panty0hose)
'$one up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome %rince will fall for me)'
The +airy said, '(ang on a tick.'
"he ga/e her wand a mighty flick
And 1uickly, in no time at all,
'indy was at the %alace &all)
It made the !gly "isters wince
To see her dancing with the %rince.
"he held him /ery tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The %rince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. "he shouted, '(eck)
'I'/e got to run to sa/e my neck)'
The %rince cried, '2o) Alas) Alack)'
(e graed her dress to hold her ack.
As 'indy shouted, '*et me go)'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
"he ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The %rince was on it like a dart,
(e pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall e my ride)
'I'll /isit e/ery house in town
'!ntil I'/e tracked the maiden down)'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
(e placed it on a crate of eer.
At once, one of the !gly "isters,
3The one whose face was lotched with listers4
"neaked up and graed the dainty shoe,
And 1uickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah0ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And 'indy's luck starts looking sicker.
2e5t day, the %rince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In e/ery house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe-
The shoe was long and /ery wide.
3A normal foot got lost inside.4
Also it smelled a wee it icky.
3The owner's feet were hot and sticky.4
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, ut all in /ain.
2ow came the !gly "isters' go.
6ne tried it on. The %rince screamed, '2o)'
&ut she screamed, 'Yes) It fits) Whoopee)
'"o now you'/e got to marry me)'
The %rince went white from ear to ear.
(e muttered, '*et me out of here.'
'6h no you don't) You made a /ow)
'There's no way you can ack out now)'
'6ff with her head)' The %rince roared ack.
They chopped it off with one ig whack.
This pleased the %rince. (e smiled and said,
'"he's prettier without her head.'
Then up came "ister 2umer Two,
Who yelled, '2ow I will try the shoe)'
'Try this instead)' the %rince yelled ack.
(e swung his trusty sword and smack 0
(er head went crashing to the ground.
It ounced a it and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
'inderella heard the thuds
6f ouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket-' 'indy cried.
'Mind your own i,,,' the %rince replied.
%oor 'indy's heart was torn to shreds.
My %rince) she thought. (e chops off heads!
(ow could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun-
The %rince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut-
'6ff with her nut) 6ff with her nut)'
Just then, all in a la,e of light,
The Magic +airy ho/e in sight,
(er Magic Wand went swoosh and swish
''indy)' she cried, 'come make a wish)
'Wish anything and ha/e no dout
'That I will make it come aout)'
'indy answered, '6h kind +airy,
'This time I shall e more wary.
'2o more %rinces, no more money.
'I ha/e had my taste of honey.
'I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find7 $'you think you can-'
Within a minute, 'inderella
Was married to a lo/ely feller,
A simple #am0maker y trade,
Who sold good home0made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy e/er after.
JACK AND THE
BEANSTALK
Jack's mother said, 'We're stony broke
'.o out and find some wealthy loke
'Who'll uy our cow. Just say she's sound
'And worth at least a hundred pound.
'&ut don't you dare to let him know
'That she's as old as illy0o.'
Jack led the old rown cow away,
And came ack later in the day,
And said, '6h mumsie dear, guess what
'Your cle/er little oy has got.
'I got, I really don't know how,
'A super trade0in for our cow.'
The mother said, 'You little creep,
'I'll et you sold her much too cheap.'
When Jack produced one lousy ean,
(is startled mother, turning green,
*eaped high up in the air and cried,
'I'm absolutely stupefied!
'You cra,y oy) $'you really mean
'You sold our $aisy for a ean-'
"he snatched the ean. "he yelled, 'You chump)'
And flung it on the ruish0dump.
Then summoning up all her power,
"he eat the oy for half an hour,
!sing 3and nothing could e meaner4
The handle of a /acuum0cleaner.
At ten p.m. or thereaout,
The little ean egan to sprout.
&y morning it had grown so tall
You couldn't see the top at all.
Young Jack cried, 'Mum, admit it now)
'It's etter than a rotten cow)'
The mother said, 'You lunatic)
, 'Where are the eans that I can pick-
'There's not one bean! It's are as are)'
'2o no)' cried Jack. 'You look up there)
'*ook /ery high and you'll ehold
'8ach single leaf is solid gold)'
&y gollikins, the oy was right)
2ow, glistening in the morning light,
The mother actually percei/es
A mass of lo/ely golden lea/es)
"he yells out loud, 'My sainted souls)
'I'll sell the Mini, uy a 9olls)
'$on't stand and gape, you little clot)
'.et up there 1uick and gra the lot)'
Jack was nimle, Jack was keen.
(e scramled up the mighty ean.
!p up he went without a stop,
&ut #ust as he was near the top,
A ghastly frightening thing occurred 0
2ot far ao/e his head he heard
A ig deep /oice, a rumling thing
That made the /ery hea/ens ring.
It shouted loud, '+88 +I +6 +!M
'I "M8** T(8 &*66$ 6+ A2
82.*I"(MA2)'
Jack was frightened, Jack was 1uick,
And down he climed in half a tick.
'6h mum)' he gasped. '&elie/e you me
'There's something nasty up our tree)
'I saw him, mum) My gi,,ard fro,e)
'A .iant with a cle/er nose)'
'A cle/er nose)' his mother hissed.
'You must e going round the twist)'
'(e smelled me out, I swear it, mum)
'(e said he smelled an 8nglishman)'
The mother said, 'And well he might)
'I'/e told you e/ery single night
'To take a ath ecause you smell,
'&ut would you do it- Would you hell)
'You e/en make your mother shrink
'&ecause of your unholy stink)'
Jack answered, 'Well, if you're so clean
'Why don't you clim the cra,y ean.'
The mother cried, '&y gad, I will)
'There's life within the old dog still)'
"he hitched her skirts ao/e her knee
And disappeared right up the tree.
2ow would the .iant smell his mum-
Jack listened for the fee-fo-fum.
(e ga,ed aloft. (e wondered when
The dreaded words would come. . . And then. . .
+rom somewhere high ao/e the ground
There came a frightful crunching sound.
(e heard the .iant mutter twice,
'&y gosh, that tasted /ery nice.
'Although' 3and this in grumpy tones4
'I wish there weren't so many ones.'
'&y 'hristopher)' Jack cried. '&y gum)
'The .iant's eaten up my mum)
'(e smelled her out) "he's in his elly)
'I had a hunch that she was smelly.'
Jack stood there ga,ing longingly
!pon the huge and golden tree.
(e murmured softly, '.olly0gosh,
. 'I guess I'll have to take a wash
'If I am going to clim this tree
'Without the .iant smelling me.
'In fact, a ath's my only hope. . .'
(e rushed indoors and graed the soap
(e scrued his ody e/erywhere.
(e e/en washed, and rinsed his hair.
(e did his teeth, he lew his nose
And went out smelling like a rose.
6nce more he climed the mighty ean.
The .iant sat there, gross, oscene,
Muttering through his /icious teeth
3While Jack sat tensely #ust eneath4,
Muttering loud, '+88 +I +6 +!M,
'9I.(T 26W I 'A2'T "M8** A2Y628.'
Jack waited till the .iant slept,
Then out along the oughs he crept
And gathered so much gold, I swear
(e was an instant millionaire.
'A ath,' he said, 'does seem to pay.
'I'm going to ha/e one e/ery day.'
SNOW-WHITE AND THE
SEEN DWAR!S
When little "now0White's mother died,
The king, her father, up and cried,
'6h, what a nuisance) What a life)
'2ow I must find another wife)'
3It's ne/er easy for a king
To find himself that sort of thing.4
(e wrote to e/ery maga,ine
And said, 'I'm looking for a :ueen.'
At least ten thousand girls replied
And egged to e the royal ride.
The king said with a shifty smile,
'I'd like to gi/e each one a trial.'
(owe/er, in the end he chose
A lady called Miss Maclahose,
Who rought along a curious toy
That seemed to gi/e her endless #oy 0
This was a mirror framed in rass,
A MA.I' TA*;I2. *66;I2.0.*A"".
Ask it something day or night,
It always got the answer right.
+or instance, if you were to say,
'6h Mirror, what's for lunch today-'
The thing would answer in a trice,
'Today it's scramled eggs and rice.'
2ow e/ery day, week in week out,
The spoiled and stupid :ueen would shout,
'6h Mirror Mirror on the wall,
'Who is the fairest of them all-'
The Mirror answered e/ery time,
'6h Madam, you're the :ueen sulime.
'You are the only one to charm us,
':ueen, you are the cat's py#amas.'
+or ten whole years the silly :ueen
9epeated this asurd routine.
Then suddenly, one awful day,
"he heard the Magic Mirror say,
'+rom now on, :ueen, you're Number Two.
'Snow-White is prettier than you)'
The :ueen went asolutely wild.
"he yelled, 'I'm going to scrag that child)
'I'll cook her flaming goose) I'll skin 'er)
'I'll ha/e her rotten guts for dinner)'
"he called the (untsman to her study.
"he shouted at him, '*isten uddy)
'You drag that filthy girl outside,
'And see you take her for a ride)
'Thereafter slit her ris apart
'And ring me ack her leeding heart)'
The (untsman dragged the lo/ely child
$eep deep into the forest wild.
+earing the worst, poor "now0White spake.
"he cried, '6h please gi/e me a reak)'
The knife was poised, the arm was strong,
"he cried again, 'I'/e done no wron!'
The (untsman's heart egan to flutter.
It melted like a pound of utter.
(e murmured, '6kay, eat it, kid,'
And you can et your life she did.
*ater, the (untsman made a stop
Within the local utcher's shop,
And there he ought, for safety's sake,
A ullock's heart and one nice steak.
'6h Ma#esty) 6h :ueen)' he cried,
'That rotten little girl has died)
'And #ust to pro/e < didn't cheat,
'I'/e rought along these its of meat.'
'The :ueen cried out, '&ra/issimo)
'I trust you killed her nice and slow.'
Then 3this is the disgusting part4
The :ueen sat down and ate the heart)
3I only hope she cooked it well.
&oiled heart can e as tough as hell.4
While all of this was going on,
6h where, oh where had "now0White gone-
"he'd found it easy, eing pretty,
To hitch a ride in to the city,
And there she'd got a #o, unpaid,
As general cook and parlour0maid
With se/en funny little men,
8ach one not more than three foot ten,
85 horse0race #ockeys, all of them.
These "e/en $warfs, though awfully nice,
Were guilty of one shocking /ice
They s1uandered all of their resources
At the race0track acking horses.
3When they hadn't acked a winner,
2one of them got any dinner.4
6ne e/ening, "now0White said,
'*ook here, 'I think I'/e got a great idea.
'Just lea/e it all to me, okay-
'And no more gamling till I say.'
That /ery night, at e/entide,
Young "now0White hitched another ride,
And then, when it was /ery late,
"he slipped in through the %alace gate.
The ;ing was in his counting house
'ounting out his money,
The :ueen was in the parlour
8ating read and honey,
The footmen and the ser/ants slept
"o no one saw her as she crept
6n tip0toe through the mighty hall
And graed T(8 MI9969 off the wall.
As soon as she had got it home,
"he told the "enior $warf 3or .nome4
To ask it what he wished to know.
'.o on)' she shouted. '(a/e a go)'
(e said, '6h Mirror, please don't #oke)
'8ach one of us is stony roke)
'Which horse will win tomorrow's race,
'The Ascot .old 'up "teeplechase-'
The Mirror whispered sweet and low,
'The horse's name is Mistletoe.'
The $warfs went asolutely daft,
They kissed young "now0White fore and aft,
Then rushed away to raise some dough
With which to ack old Mistletoe.
They pawned their watches, sold the car,
They orrowed money near and far,
3+or much of it they had to thank
The manager of &arclays &ank.4
They went to Ascot and of course
+or once they acked the winning horse.
Thereafter, e/ery single day,
The Mirror made the ookies pay.
8ach $warf and "now0White got a share,
And each was soon a millionaire,
Which shows that gamling's not a sin
%ro/ided that you always win.
"OLDILOCKS AND THE
THREE BEARS
This famous wicked little tale
"hould ne/er ha/e een put on sale.
It is a mystery to me
Why lo/ing parents cannot see
That this is actually a ook
Aout a ra,en little crook.
(ad I the chance I wouldn't fail
To clap young .oldilocks in #ail.
2ow #ust imagine how you'd feel
If you had cooked a lo/ely meal,
$elicious porridge, steaming hot,
+resh coffee in the coffee0pot,
With maye toast and marmalade,
The tale eautifully laid,
6ne place for you and one for dad,
Another for your little lad.
Then dad cries, '.olly0gosh) .ee0whi,,)
'6h cripes) (ow hot this porridge is)
'*et's take a walk along the street
'!ntil it's cool enough to eat.'
(e adds, 'An early morning stroll
'Is good for people on the whole.
'It makes your appetite impro/e
'It also helps your owels to mo/e.'
2o proper wife would dare to 1uestion
"uch a sensile suggestion,
Ao/e all not at reakfast0time
When men are seldom at their prime.
2o sooner are you down the road
Than .oldilocks, that little toad
That nosey thie/ing little louse,
'omes sneaking in your empty house.
"he looks around. "he 1uickly notes
Three owls rimful of porridge oats.
And while still standing on her feet,
"he gras a spoon and starts to eat.
I say again, how would you feel
If you had made this lo/ely meal
And some delin1uent little tot
&roke in and goled up the lot-
&ut wait) That's not the worst of it)
2ow comes the most distressing it.
You are of course a houseproud wife,
And all your happy married life
You ha/e collected lo/ely things
*ike gilded cherus wearing wings,
And furniture y 'hippendale
&ought at some famous auction sale.
&ut your most special /alued treasure,
The piece that gi/es you endless pleasure,
Is one small children's dining0chair,
8li,aethan, /ery rare.
It is in fact your #oy and pride,
%assed down to you on grandma's side.
&ut .oldilocks, like many freaks,
$oes not appreciate anti1ues.
"he doesn't care, she doesn't mind,
And now she plonks her fat ehind
!pon this dainty precious chair,
And crunch) It usts eyond repair.
A nice girl would at once e5claim,
'6h dear) 6h hea/ens) What a shame)'
2ot .oldie. "he egins to swear.
"he ellows, 'What a lousy chair)'
And uses one disgusting word
That luckily you'/e ne/er heard.
3I dare not write it, e/en hint it.
2oody would e/er print it.4
You'd think y now this little skunk
Would ha/e the sense to do a unk.
&ut no, I /ery much regret
"he hasn't nearly finished yet.
$eciding she would like a rest,
"he says, '*et's see which ed is est.'
!pstairs she goes and tries all three.
3(ere comes the ne5t catastrophe.4
Most educated people choose
To rid themsel/es of socks and shoes
&efore they clamer into ed.
&ut .oldie didn't gi/e a shred.
(er filthy shoes were thick with grime,
And mud and mush and slush and slime.
Worse still, upon the heel of one
Was something that a dog had done.
I say once more, what would you think
If all this horrid dirt and stink
Was smeared upon your eiderdown
&y this re/olting little clown-
3The famous story has no clues
To show the girl remo/ed her shoes.4
6h, what a tale of crime on crime)
*et's check it for a second time.
Crime One, the prosecution's case7
"he reaks and enters someone's place.
Crime Two, the prosecutor notes7
"he steals a owl of porridge oats.
Crime Three, "he reaks a precious chair7
&elonging to the &ay &ear.
Crime Four, "he smears each spotless sheet
With filthy messes from her feet.
A #udge would say without a link,
'Ten years hard laour in the clink)'
&ut in the ook, as you will see,
The little east gets off scot0free,
While tiny children near and far
"hout, '.oody0good) (ooray) (urrah)'
'%oor darling .oldilocks)' they say,
'Thank goodness that she got away)'
Myself, I think I'd rather send
Young .oldie to a sticky end.
'6h daddy)' cried the &ay &ear,
'My porridge gone) It isn't fair)'
'Then go upstairs,' the &ig &ear said,
'Your porridge is upon the ed.
'&ut as it's inside mademoiselle,
'You'll ha/e to eat her up as well.'
LITTLE RED RIDIN"
HOOD AND THE WOL!
As soon as Wolf egan to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
(e went and knocked on .randma's door.
When .randma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, 'May < come in-'
%oor .randmamma was terrified,
'(e's going to eat me up)' she cried.
And she was asolutely right.
(e ate her up in one ig ite.
&ut .randmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough)
'I ha/en't yet egun to feel
'That I ha/e had a decent meal)'
(e ran around the kitchen yelping,
'I'/e ot to ha/e another helping)'
Then added with a frightful leer,
'I'm therefore going to wait right here
'Till *ittle Miss 9ed 9iding (ood
''omes home from walking in the wood.'
(e 1uickly put on .randma's clothes,
36f course he hadn't eaten those.4
(e dressed himself in coat and hat.
(e put on shoes and after that
(e e/en rushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in .randma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
"he stopped. "he stared. And then she said,
'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'
'All the better to hear you with,' the Wolf replied.
'What great big eyes you have, Grandma,'
said *ittle 9ed 9iding (ood.
'All the better to see you with,' the Wolf replied.
(e sat there watching her and smiled.
(e thought, I'm going to eat this child.
'ompared with her old .randmamma
"he's going to taste like ca/iare.
Then *ittle 9ed 9iding (ood said, 'But Grandma,
what a lovely great big furry oat you have on.'
'That's wrong)' cried Wolf. '(a/e you forgot
'To tell me what &I. T88T( I'/e got-
'Ah well, no matter what you say,
'I'm going to eat you anyway.'
The small girl smiles. 6ne eyelid flickers.
"he whips a pistol from her knickers.
"he aims it at the creature's head
And ban ban ban, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss 9iding (ood.
&ut what a change) 2o cloak of red,
2o silly hood upon her head.
"he said, '(ello, and do please note
'My lo/ely furry W6*+";I2 '6AT.'
THE THREE LITTLE
#I"S
The animal I really dig
Ao/e all others is the pig.
%igs are nole. %igs are cle/er,
%igs are courteous. (owe/er,
2ow and then, to reak this rule,
6ne meets a pig who is a fool.
What, for e5ample, would you say
If strolling through the woods one day,
9ight there in front of you you saw
A pig who'd uilt his house of "T9AW-
The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,
And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'
'!ittle "ig, little "ig, let me ome in#'
'$o, no, by the hairs on my hinny%hin%hin#'
'Then &'ll huff and &'ll 'uff and &'ll blow your house in#'
The little pig egan to pray,
&ut Wolfie lew his house away.
(e shouted, '&acon, pork and ham)
'6h, what a lucky Wolf I am)'
And though he ate the pig 1uite fast,
(e carefully kept the tail till last.
Wolf wandered on, a trifle loated.
"urprise, surprise, for soon he noted
Another little house for pigs,
And this one had een uilt of TWI.")
'!ittle "ig, little 'ig, let me ome in#'
'$o, no, by the hairs of my hinny%hin%hin#'
'Then &'ll huff and &'ll 'uff and &'ll blow your house in#'
The Wolf said, '6kay, here we go)'
(e then egan to low and low.
The little pig egan to s1ueal.
(e cried, '6h Wolf, you'/e had one meal)
'Why can't we talk and make a deal-'
The Wolf replied, '2ot on your nelly)'
And soon the pig was in his elly.
'Two #uicy little pigs)' Wolf cried,
'&ut still I am not satisfied)
'I know full well my Tummy's ulging,
'&ut oh, how I adore indulging.'
"o creeping 1uietly as a mouse,
The Wolf approached another house,
A house which also had inside
A little piggy trying to hide.
&ut this one, %iggy 2umer Three,
Was right and rainy as could e.
2o straw for him, no twigs or sticks.
This pig had uilt his house of &9I';".
'You'll not get me!' the %iggy cried. .
'I'll low you down)' the Wolf replied.
'You'll need,' %ig said, 'a lot of puff,
'And I don't think you'/e got enough.'
Wolf huffed and puffed and lew and lew.
The house stayed up as good as new.
'If I can't low it down,' Wolf said,
'I'll ha/e to low it up instead.
'I'll come ack in the dead of night
'And low it up with dynamite)'
%ig cried, 'You rute) I might ha/e known)'
Then, picking up the telephone,
(e dialled as 1uickly as he could
The numer of 9ed 9iding (ood.
'(ello,' she said. 'Who's speaking- Who!
'6h, hello %iggy, how d'you do-'
%ig cried, 'I need your help, Miss (ood)
'6h help me, please) $'you think you could-'
'I'll try, of course,' Miss (ood replied.
'What's on your mind-' . . . '" Wolf' %ig cried.
'I know you'/e dealt with wol/es efore,
'And now I'/e got one at my door)'
'My darling %ig,' she said, 'my sweet,
'That's something really up my street.
'I'/e #ust egun to wash my hair. '
'&ut when it's dry, I'll e right there.'
A short while later, through the wood,
'ame striding ra/e Miss 9iding (ood.
The Wolf stood there, his eyes ala,e
And yellowish, like mayonnaise.
(is teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,
And spit was dripping from his #aw.
6nce more the maiden's eyelid flickers.
"he draws the pistol from her knickers.
6nce more, she hits the /ital spot,
And kills him with a single shot.
%ig, peeping through the window, stood
And yelled, 'Well done, Miss 9iding (ood)'
Ah, %iglet, you must ne/er trust
Young ladies from the upper crust.
+or now, Miss 9iding (ood, one notes,
2ot only has two wolfskin coats,
&ut when she goes from place to place,
"he has a %I.";I2 T9A=8**I2. 'A"8.