The New POLAVOID ONE

picture is so clear
it'll stand up in court!
Yes, if you want to get that one-in-a-million
picture, you'll get it better with a one-step
camera. Mainly, when people see the picture
you took of them they won't have time to
destroy the negative! Just make sure you're
one-step ahead of them on your way out!
POLAVOID'
S ONE STEP
The world's sexiest camera uses SEX-70 film
<
n.,unllf)
CRAZZ ^Wm I W mam
$100
BONUS CUIDUT
num
QREETine
CflRQS
GIVE THEM TO
YOUR FRIENDS
[and they'll become your enemies!!
Writer: Paul Laikin
Artist: Steve Haefele
16 BIG
COLORED
PAGES
TO
HOW TO PLAY
Players choose to be HEP-CATS.
NEATO CHICKS or J.D.s. They then
start at POP EGG CREAM's MALT
SHOP and take turns as they go
around the board, stopping at various
places in the 50s era. As they move
around the board, players are
awarded "cool" points which they
add up. Players are also awarded
"square" points which they deduct
from their "cool" points total. After
live complete trips through the '50s
era. the player with the highest
number ol "cool" points is declared
the winner.
THE OBJECT OF THE GAME is to
become the coolest cat in the '50s
era by scoring the most "cool"
points.
HOW TO SCORE COOL POINTS:
Players score "cool" points by mak
ing dates, outfoxing the fuzz.
stealing hubcaps and by pulling
'50'$'type pranks. In short, they
score "cool" points by acting like
"hot" shots.
SQUARE POINTS:
Players must deduct "square" points
Irom their total ol "cool" points
wherever applicable.
COOL CARDS:
When a player lands on a space
marked SUPERCOOL he picks a
"cool" card and follows the In-
structions on it.
NERD CARDS:
When a player lands on a NERO
SPACE he must pick a NERD CARO
which will tell him to do something
stupid.
NOTE:
II you do not understand the rules,
we suggest you do this: "SIT ON IT,
BIMBO!"
Wi Itwr : Roger Francli
Art lit: Tony Tailor Ico
TORN
BECAUSE
YoUVEGOTIT
MAPE IN THE SHAPE AND
lOU'RE TOO LAZY TO ROIL
THB DICE.'
<%L
STAN LEE presents
-
1979 EDITION
-
SATIRE .
* '
,
r.
"
'
- . ". *.- - V
;'-'
; '~-
' BURLESQUE
:
PAULLAIKIN EDENNORAH JIM OWSLEY MIKE KUDZINOWSKI
Edltor-In-Charge Art Director-At-Large Aspiring Editor Perspiring Editor
ARTISTS AND WRITERS: The Usual Bunch Of Misfits And Malcontents
-
IN THIS ISSUE
-
PRESIDENTS POPULARITY 24 1 BE A COMEDIAN 26
PLUS 16 EXTRA PAGES OF BONUS CUTOUTS
MSI
NUTTY GREETING CARDS
T
CABD ]
(GIVE THEM TO FRIENDS THEVLL BECOME YOUR ENEMIES!)
[
caro
'
CRAZY MAGAZINE is published by Marvel Comic Group. Office of Public.lion; 575 M.di.ni. Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. James E. Gallon. President; Stan Lee,
Publisher. Second Class polling* paid at Ne York, New York and at additional niaillno offices. Published monthly. Copyright 1379 by Mintil Co.nlc* Gror.p, a
Division of Cadence Industries Corporation. All rights reserved 575 Madison Avenue. Neva York, N.Y. 10022. Vol. 1, No. 52, July 1979 Issue. Price SI,00 per copy In
the U.S. and Canada. Subscription rate-*9.00 and $10.00 respectively for 13 Issues Including postage. All business inquiries should be addressed to Ed Shukln.
Director of Circulation. 9tb floor. No similarity between any of the names, characters, persons and or institution. In this magazine with those of any living or dead
person or institution Is intended, and any such similarity allien may exlsl Is partly coincidental. Printed In (he United States of America. This periodical may not be
old eacept by authorized dealers and Is sold subject to the conditions that It shall not be sold or distributed with any part of its cover or markings removed, nor in a
MOVIE SATIRE:
Here's a film that's such a
watered-down version of the
famed '50s Broadway musical
that, at first, they didn't know
what to call It. CRAZY has
no problem with this however,
because to us It's fust plain...
J
Hollywood flicks-
Leave the Drive-in
| Dee they are not ,
Saying, "So what"?
m--
Writer:
Murad Gumen
Artist:
Kent Gamble
Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-ah-huh-uh-
Summer sun,
H
Cannot enjoy,
I
Killing time , ,
, ,
tl, I .. l i h
indoors viewing
This I can t bear! BJ
_ ... *
^^^^^ ^^_^_^jj|
Summer films I
Ho-hum, ho-hum, ho-hum, oh-
-

~*
Soy no more soy no more-
I
Vou con moke o new friend,
x
vF*[i
Take Capricorn One
U ?
-^||
Or Jaws 2,
Say no more- soy no more

- [_] Chew-
a
-pop-pop, chew-a-pop-pop,
There ore clothes you can mend I (T| chew-a-pop-pop, chew-a-pop-pop Summer nights,
Wasting away.
Watching bummer I
Summer films I
The boys are parked outside! Nuts to this party, I'm going
to get some real kicks! Now, where are my shoos? I
think I lost them!
|
You had a good tiro with Risko, eh, you ol' makeout

irtist you?
Yeah, but I was nowhere as coo! as you would've
been! How do you do it, Dainty?
Funny you should ask, Kanfreak. . .1 got a
hole big million-dollar musical number that
II answer your question! Hit It, boys
s sorry, Saintly! Okay then, you go off L
d date ol' muscle-bound there!
t put down Ton ! He can take you on any day
And he's imortor than you!
Are you kidding? I got brains I haven't even used
yet! Why, I got more brains in my whole head
thon he's got in his little finger!
So you want to take up sports, eh? I suggest youl
build up your endurance with long-distance
J
Oh, Dainty. . .you were trying to Impress me and you
tripped over the hurdles! I'm so sorry!
There's nothin' like the ol' corner soda fountain to bring
back memories of the '50s! Saintly, you can order
anythin' on the menu. . .ice cream, french fries, soda
. . . not to mention the lobster dinner!
Any word* of
wisdom for me,
oh great spirit
of the past?
Yes, Raggedy Ann. . . if you're ever
in the mood to watch an
authentic teenage movie from the
rock 'n' roll days, check out the
originals! Mainly, all the "Beach
Party" pictures I made
Guess what?
An'
He's knocked
I'll
out Dainty!
be a
You have

knockout
to race!
tool
I thought Dainty wouldn't stand a chance against that
g> souped-up hot-rod. . .but he's actually winning the race!
"^
don't get it. . .the junk heop he's driving doesn't have
enough horsepower]
Saintly! You've become a. . .a. . . floozyl
|
Don't judge a book by its picture. . . I'n
still as uptight as ever! Now, if the
"lip-synch" works, I'll let you in on my
story in song. .
.
*J'm no more square we're imaginin',
I just wish that were sol
Stuck with pureness and sweetenin'
It sure is frustratln'
I
I'd better grow up
Frown on who/esomeness,
It's not helping my ca-reer/
I'd better grow up
A goody fwo-shoes acr-ress
Is now thought of os que-ee-6
*Th/s film's not hetpin',
it's so cute it's no gem!
An old movie it's copyin'
From MGM
I
You better grow up
~|
I
The new young Debbie Reynolds /
Gotta shake this imagel
Oo-oo-oo!
Gotta shake this imagel
Oo-oo-oo I
Gotta shake this imagel
Oo-oo-ooJ
I gotta lose
My vlr-gin-gin-i-tyl
years
of high school
and where has
it gotten me?
C'mon, Saintly, you're
lucky that we wound up
together! I mean, girls
go out with me by
the dozens!
That's
because
it's safer
than going
out with
you alone!
I'm afraid this is the end for
us, Dainty. . .especially see-
ing we're at the next-to-last
panel of this satire!
Saintly, we've only just
begun] From here on, it
hat to get better!
Listen
*We'll grab out money
Like some-o chum-o chum-a
Sfngfng o-da sing-song
it'll almost be funny.
As hoo-boy a lotta wad-d-a so
Pretty bloom-de-bloom
Gang-sang twangitty-twang
Hoo-boy
That's the way it will be-e-e
Yah-hoo-oo
Yeah!
A hot TV star
Like zip-a-gyp-a-gyp no-srop-o
j
You-me too,
A top Pop Queen star
Yew greedy, so greedy,
so greedy,
Yew greedy, hoo-hee-hoo
whoffa crop
Gong-sang twongitty twang
Hoo-boy
I We'll always make out dough
I Ha-hah-ha-haaal
k
When young fans so many
Spend their hard-earned money
We know we'll make our lootl
Sell-out poster crisis
High film ticket prices
And the L.P.s'to
Boo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot!
k
1
We'll be set for life
Like a top ga-ga no-dope
And top ham-bone
No more worry or strife
As Shah-ah talalala
Whoopety whop do shone
Gang-sang twongitty twang
Hoo-boy
We'll roll in all
this money
Vah-hoo-oo
Yeah I
We'll roll in-
(Gang-sang twangit
ty
twang hoo-boy)
All this money!
(Gang-sang twangitty
twang hoo-boy)
We'll roll in
(Gang-sang twangitty
twang hoo-boy)
Alt this money!
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TV TRIPE
Let's face it... every TV series has to come to an end! Some do it gracefully while
they're ahead. . .like THE FUGITIVE and THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Other's don't
know when to quit... like GILLIGAN'S ISLAND and DON RICKLES. We figure there
oughta be a natural time in a series progression to take them off the air. For
example, here are what we at CRAZY envision as. .
.
THE FINAL SEGMENTS OF
POPULAR
TV SERIES
Writer: Paul Laikin Artist: John Reiner
STUDSKY AND HUTSH
What do you mean we're finished
as a Team, captain Dopey? We've
been together EIGHT YEARS NOW!
UV3 UflOA 3Vi QN31 :H000 NtfA 1N30NIA NOI1M1J.V
FANTASTIC ISLAND
Welcome to FANTASTIC ISLAND, Mr.
Sturdley! Your fantasy is to relive
your exciting days as a DEMOLITION
EXPERT in WORLD WAR TWO! Where
shall we begin?
Chee, boss. .
.
he blew up da
WHOLE ISLAND!
Who wass dat man?
The
PRODUCER
of the show
that's on
OPPOSITE us!
N-Aa-Ald V SVM N
LOVER BOAT
CAPTAIN! Oh, CAPTAIN!
The BOAT is sinking!
I KNEW this would happen someday! I
TOLD the producers not to overload this
ship with so many different performers
every week! It's too much WEIGHT for
one craft to hold!
BOOBONIC WOMAN
I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but your CAREER is OVER! You're
suffering from a malfunctioning of
your pituitary generator!
It's a FOREIGN part . . . and you know
how hard it is to get FOREIGN parts
nowadays
!
RUST will set in. . .then a little
CLANGING in the joints. . .and finally
. a complete METAL BREAKDOWN
!
I knew I shouldn't have had
that hysterectomy at Radio
Shack!
RHODANT
I know that, but the only REAL LAUGHS
we've been getting comes when my
mother's on the show! Let's face it.
.
without her I'm NOTHING!
CARTER COUNTY
Don' you read thuh PAPERS none? We
got us a new PRESIDENT! Lemme see
that there. .
.
Ah, wonder
ifn we kin
lurn tuh
talk wit'
BOSTON ACCENTS?
muq ;q-ihom NOUNHiV
In a few years, man's best friend may be a
robot. What will It be like In this techno-
logical age? Will life for the everyday
American be improved by the presence of
mechanical men? Who knows? Off the top
of our heads we can think of a lot of ad-
vantages. Like, for example, these. .
.
Having a robot dog is ideal for the businessman who
has a frustrating day. He releases his pent-up anxiety
by coming home and kicking the dog without injuring it.
IN THE HOME
Writer: Michael Pellowski
Artist: Brian Moore
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A robot could be a big help to young working parents
with a new baby. They'd never have to get up in the
middle of the night to feed the darn kid.
~7f:
With a robot in the house, no matter how many times
you want to rearrange the furniture In a single day
you'd never have to hassle your husband.
If you were driving along and had a fender-bender
with a burly truck driver, you could simply send your
robot out to get punched in the nose for you.
If your car battery was worn down on a cold morning,
you wouldn't need another car to give you a jump.
You could just walk over and use your robot.
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In the evening, you could spend a nice quiet time at
home by using your robot to adjust and Improve the
reception on your television set.
If your pet had to be taken out in the early hours of
the morning, your robot could walk the dog for you
while you slept snugly in your bed.
With robot workers, there would be no on-the-job accidents. Even if robots were careless, they couldn't
permanently disable themselves.
uBnojui mBnoq aja/A auojeAeu k
17
anuOM NOiiN3.uv
ROBOT TEACHERS would always catch students who
cheat on tests because they'd have eyes in the backs
of their mechanical heads.
ROBOT BOXERS and fighters could make sports fans
happy by actually knocking each other's blocks off in
championship matches.
POLICE ROBOTS could be used to apprehend and dis-
arm criminals on the scene without anyone getting
injured.
ROBOT LIFEGUARDS and mechanical deep sea divers
would no longer have to worry about little things like
being attacked by sharks.
ROBOT CASHIERS would never short change or over-
pay any customer because they'd have their fantastic
computer brains at work.
18
ROBOT WORKERS would only need an occasional oil
change, instead of a lengthy vacation or a daily
coffee break.
Wanna know all that's happening in outer space? Then feast your eyes on this
extra-terrestrial
newspaper that recently came floating down to us from above. Mainly, from the upstairs writers
room where they came up with . . .
WRITER: Michael Pellowski
THE
MARTIAN
DAILY
CHRONICLE
ARTIST: Ron Zalm
WEATHER:
METEOR
SHOWERS
PRICE: 10 KRONA
OCTOBER. 3892 A.D.
-ALL THE FAR OUT NEWS WE PRINT-
SIX
DIE IN
SMASHUP
ON
IHTERSTAR
ROUTE 9
SPACESHIPS COLLISION ROCKS GALAXY
Three space-tankers, four flying saucers, five space rockets, two star-ships and an unidentified flying object were involved in a head-
on collision on Interstar Space Highway 9 over the Klunko Day Holiday Weekend. Six Martians were killed and the automatic robot-
pilot of one of the space-tankers was treated for a cracked piston at the scene and then released. Mayor Glrkd of the Galactic Police
Department promised a full investigation.
PLUTO'S CONGRESS
NIXES EARTH
CONTACT PACT
President Zeppo Topdog's bill to establish
contact with Earth was unanimously de-
feated by a vote of the Pluto inn Congress
late last night. The feeling of the Congress
was thai if Pluto opened the diplomatic
doors to Earth, in a year or two Earthlings
would be putting the bite on Plutoians for
foreign aid.
Some canines in Congress also felt that a
world power on Earth, the insignificant little
country called the United States, would try
to force Pluto to pass a civil rights law
which would let Plutolln cats vote in
elections and allow them to drink out of the
same water dishes as dogs and even to
attend the same obedience schools. This was
termed "Intolerable" by this group.
EARTH'S VOYAGER 11
MAKES MARTIANS SEE RED
The Martian Parliament, angered by the
unauthorized invasion of their privacy by
Earth's Voyager 11, plans to retaliate In a
similar manner. Martian scientists are now
working on a satellite named Supersnooper I,
which is scheduled to visit Earth in 1982. On
Earth, Supersnooper I will snap candid
photographs of Earth leaders in somewhat
embarrassing situations. So smile, Earth-
men, when you do something naughty or
stupid you may be on Martian Candid
Camera!
Lord Whacko, who was photographed by
Voyager I while in the shower, summed It up
best when he recently stated at a press con-
ference, "Gronk kutld Fwquoj Sbnvcxp!"
77 RALLY SAUCERS
RECALLED
In an unprecedented move, Martian
Motors is recalling all 1977 Space-Sport
Rally Saucers. This is because recent tests
have shown that the compact ships, which
agency proved thai when 1977 Rally Saucers
are bumped in Ihe rear at a speed of 3000
miles- per- hour, they sustain a denl in their
bumpers the size of a walnut. This,
TH IMQUIRING
PHOTOGRdPHCR
TODA Y'S QUESTION:
Do you believe
that Earthlings are
intelligent creatures?
"Jumping Jupiter, no! We're
convinced that Earthlings are
only half as smart as people
from Jupiter! After all, if;s a
logical deduction. We have two
heads each, and they have only
one. And, as everybody knows,
two heads are better than onel"
"I jusl love Earthlings. I can't
help myself. Everyone from
Venus loves everything. But
Earthlings, on the whole, are
very dumb. I ask you - how
can a society with men in ail
the top decision-making posi-
tions be run by Intelligent
beings?"
"Earthlings are definitely a
mongrel species! I'd hate to
have to housebreak one of those
dumb creatures. The only thing
they'd probably respond to Is a
good crack on the nose with a
rolled-tip newspaper. I'll bet
they even have fleas!"
"I don't know. A planet that
produced a Flipper TV series,
several shark movies and a
Charlie The Tuna commercial
can't be all bad! I'd say they're
just about smart enough to
balance a ball on their nose.
But I wouldn't want my
daughter to marry one!"
get 1500 mlles-per-gallon on rocket fuel, are course, does not pass the Intergalaciic mini-
unsafe. An independent consumer testing mum standards for vehicular safety.
INFLATION
SOARS
ON MERCURY
Temperatures are rising on Mercury these
days because the cost of living is feverishly
high. It seems that money is slipping through
the eight fingers of middle-class workers like
quicksilver which is what Mercurian
money Is made of. A 100-pound loaf of
bread costs 40 cllnkas on Mercury today,
compared to the 20 cllnkas It cost a light
year ago. You could say that on Mercury, a
n orker has to make a lot of dough to keep
his family In bread these days!
RHONA STARLET'S
GALACTIC GOSSIP
THE INNER DOINGS OF
OUTER SPACE
FLASH GORDON doesn't know it yet,
but DALE ARDEN is now dating BUCK
ROGERS. It looks like GORDON'S ro-
mance with DALE is just a FLASH in the
pan after all. Oh, well, that's the way it goes
in the 21st Century
C3PO, star of STAR WARS, has con-
fessed that he's a junk food freak. He'll eat
anything from an old retread tire to a rusty
tin can. As long as it's imported from Earth,
that is. Wow! That's enough to give anyone
atomic ache!
CHEWBACCA
THE WOOKIE had a howling good time at
a party on PLUTO last Saturday night. Not
the planet, the dog! PRINCE
PORPOISE THE Kingfish of NEPTUNE,
recently bought a palace on the dark side of
Earth's Moon. PRINCE PORPOISE plans
to immigrate there because he wants to be
the first LUNA TUNA
EPERT DEFEATS KONKERS
Crisp Epert won the Venus Singles Tennis
Championship by defeating Yimmie Konkers
40-love, 30-love and 40-love at the Farout
Hills Stadium. When asked about the de-
feat, Konkers replied: "I dunno, I guess I
just hate love!"
BUCKET O' BOLTS WINS SATURN
DERBY!
Bucket O' Bolts, ridden by jockey C-3
Arcaro and owned by Zocko Mark-I of
Mars, won the 2300lh running of the Saturn
Derby by a neck yesterday. The race ended
in a photo finish, as shown in this picture.
SPACE BALL RECORD SET ON JUPITER
The Jupiter Jumpers' superstar, Bounco
Boggs, of the planet Cosmos, became the
DARTH VADER, is forming a Uni-
versal Consumer Protection Group called
VADER'S RAIDERS. The first thing they
will recall is the UNIVERSE And
good-guy LUKE SKYWALKER got the cold
shoulder again from PRINCESS LEA.
Guess THE FORCE is powerless when it
comes to love! !
!
ADVERTISEMENT

PLUTEMKIN
THE LARGEST SPACESHIP
DEALER IN THE UNIVERSE
(in beautiful downtown Uranus)
Lease a brand-new U.F.O. or buy an
immaculate used flying saucer at LOW,
LOW PRICES!
HUNDREDS OF MAKES AND
MODELS TO CHOOSE FROM
This week's special: A Hover Craft,
formerly owned by a little old lady from
Jupiter who used to drive it once a
week to see her children on Mercury!
(48,000,000 miles. . . am-fm radio. . .
white side -wall nose cone)
only 4400 CLINKAS
(easy time payments arranged)
first space ball player in history to score
over 50,000 points in one season when he
scored 720 points in a game against the
Saturn Supersonics last night at the Big
Dipper. The Jumpers whipped the Sonics
1 ,000 to 850 in the long four-minute contest
which consisted of two additional overtime
periods.
M
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OCK: THE NEW ARM-WRESTLING
CHAMP1
Ock of Planet Mok won the Intergalactic
Arm-Wrestling Championship held on Nep-
tune yesterday by easily defeating eight
straight opponents all at the same time!
This is the tenth year in a row that the title
has been won by somebody from the planet
Mok. How do they do it? No one seems to
know the a
NICKLOX WINS ALIEN OPEN
Jax Nicklox of the planet Elephanto won
the 42nd annual Alien Open Golf Classic at
the Astroturf Green's Country Club on
Uranus yesterday. Nicklox sank a hole-in-
one on the 63rd green to clinch the title. He
finished with a 6-under-par-36 and a sore
nose.
LET US PLAN A VACATION FOR YOU
THAT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD
Visit the Sun for the best tan ot your life
Visit Neptune and swim like a fish
Invade Earth for only $19.95
(per person, double spaceship occupancy)
Give the SATURN TRAVEL AGENCY a ring
end we'll rocket you to the
vacation of your dreams
GALACTIC
MOVIE SECTION
LOEWS
DOWNTOWN DRIVE-IN ASTEROID
(Just Past The Milky Way)
STOCKY
The story of a sumu wrestler
from Saturn who battles the
galactic champion and gets
the blubber beat out of him!
"A whale of a tale!"
Martian Daily News
At CINEMA 4,000
THE
HEAVENS
CAN WAIT
The story of a reluctant astronaut
NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE
LAST FIVE LIGHT YEARS
At the
ROXIE THEATRE
in downtown Mars
THE BAD NEWS
BEARS GO TO
MARS
OTHER EVENTS
Visit the
SPACE BALL PARK
Saturday, August 10th
because it's
LIGHT SABER DAY
Yes, every child under 12 will receive a razor-sharp
light saber absolutely free (when accompanied by a
Martian adult)
(PLEASE NOTE: The following Saturday is
DISINTEGRATOR PISTOL DAY)
68 MY FAVORITE EARTHLING 0:800
Uncle Earthling almosf blows his cover when a nosey
Martian policeman notices that his ears aren't pointed.
71 LOST IN SPACE 0:850
The Robinsons crash-land in New York City, get on the
subway and end up lost in the Bronx.
48 PROJECT U.F.O. 0:900
A Major in the U.S.A.F. (United Saturn Air Force) re-
fuses to believe that a Plutonian policeman actually
saw an unidentified flying cigar from Cuba.
82 STAR TRIP 0:950
Captain Koch of the Star Ship New York and his
pediatrician, Dr. Spock, invade Hoboken, New Jersey
66 SPACE $19.99 0:955
Maya, the Metamorph, changes into a Martian tiger
and is bagged by Marlon Perkins of Wild Kingdom.
COSMOS
CLASSIFIED
HELP WANTED
Part-time robot butler wanted; 50 pinkas per week, all the oil you
can drink and a rent-free garage to park in. Reply: BOX 1 178
MARS.
Experienced soldiers of fortune wanted to invade backward
worlds. Medical coverage, tax-free salary and a percentage of
the booty. Call your local Martian mercenary recruiter today.
Join the Neptune Navy and see the universe. Visit strange and
exotic ports of call, like Hoboken, New Jersey, on the quaint
planet Earth. Write: P.O. Box 49, BIG DIPPER.
Asteroid for sale cheap; choice lot; city water and sewer; lots of
privacy; nearest neighbor two light years away; only $2,000
krinkies cash. JUPITER HOMES, INC.
JUNIOR: Come home; we forgive you for making a bomb with
your chemistry set and blowing up the neighborhood! MOM AND
POP ZACKO.
Martian man with 3 horns, wishes to meet Venus lady with 4
horns. Object: get into situations where we can really lock horns!
CRAZY INTERVIEW NO.
3
Writer: Paul Laikin Artist: Murad Gumen
Welcome once again to another
smashing CRAZY interview! I'm David
Frostbite and today I'm talking to one
of the giants of show biz. I refer to
the fabulous . . . fantastic ... far out . .
.
Frankenstein Monster!. ..
Okay, Frankie. . . it's a real joy
meeting you in the flesh! I mean,
you're the classic monster of all time.
When they made you, they threw
away the mold ! Tell me for the
record. . where were you born?
No, what I mean is. . .where were you
I first put together?
In Transylvania
. . .by Doctor
Frankenstein!
What was your
rst reaction?
President Carter's popularity has been slipping lately. Since he won't change his position on issues that influence
CMZY WdY9 TO IMPROVJG THC
e President has recovered frorr
frontal lobotomy and now, liki
most Presidents, will hove his
advisors do all his thinking for hin
ays that the President can use to
PR9IDI1T'9
POPULARITY
Writer: Michael Pello
Artist: Walter Brogar
Don't be afraid, ladies and gentlemen of the press! My pet, Ben
only attacks if you ask me a touchy question!
The other day
a young couple
came up to me
and said,
"Inflation is so
bad, the only
way we can
make ends
meet is by
dancing the
A CRAZY CAREER GUIDE
HOW TO BE A
COMEDIAN
ALL YOU HAVE TO KNOW TO MAKE
A COMPLETE FOOL OF YOURSELF
Writer: Virgil Diamond Artist: Kevin Sacco
HOW TO DRESS IS VERY IMPORTANT
If you wanna be a comedian who's mafcln' Big Bucks, you
should dress funny. You may try wearing different color
shoes, or something baggy. . .like a circus tent. Actually,
you don't have to wear anything If you have your jokes
tatooed all over your bodymake sure your tatooed
letters are large enough so people sitting In the back
can see theml
HOW TO BE OBNOXIOUS IS ALSO A MUST
To be a great comedian, you will have to develop an
offensive, obnoxious habit such as chain-smoking.
The
more offensive your personal habits, the greater your
chances for success. Try growing a moustache, smoking
a cigar and slouching. These 3 things will do wonders for
getting the audience to laugh. . .especially If you're a girl!
THE SUBWAY TEST: ARE YOU READY FOR SUPER-STARDOM?
Now you are almost ready for the
blg-tlme. To be sure your jokes are
funny, you must try them out In front
26 of an audience. You will get an
honest reaction to your jokes on a
subway platform during the rush hour.
The subway platform is an excellent
place to try out your act because you
get Immediate feedback. If your
comedy routines lack quality, a
policeman will arrest you on a 409. .
.
telling bad jokes during a rush hour.
If you survived "The Subway Test,"
you are now ready for your first
nightclub performance. Say the
first funny thing that pops Into your
headunless this happens to be last
week's meat bill, that Is]
yOU SHOULD COME FROM A BROKEN HOME
To be a successful comedian, you should come from a
broken home. If your home Is not broken, you can rem-
edy this situation by chopping down that big Redwood
tree In your backyard and, when it falls, point it in the
direction of your parents' bedroom!
YOU SHOULD HA VE A BROKEN EGO
If you aspire to be a professional comedian, you should
be ridiculed everyday by your friends and relatives,
even strangers. This dally ridicule breaks down your
self-confidence, and this Is good. Do something weird to
get attentiontry wearing your belt around your neckl
VOL/ SHOULD HA VE A BROKEN FACE
If you wanna be a comedian, you better be uglyreal
ugly. Look in your bathroom mirror. If it shatters, you
are ugly enough. If the mirror just lets out a little
chuckle, you are not ugly enough so do something about
it. Like submerging your face In leftover meatloafl
yOU SHOULD WALK WITH A BROKEN GAIT
If you think you're gonna be a professional joke-teller,
it Is Important that you walk funny. If you wanna
develop a funny walk, put both of your feet Into one
shoe, and |og 32 laps around a large area (ike maybe
The Mormon
Tabernacle Choir!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BROKEN EYESIGHT
Your chances of being a successful comic will be In-
creased if you wear glasses. If you are poor and you
can't afford glasses, paper cups will do. If you can't
afford paper cups, don't worry about It. You have a
more important requisite for a comic. Mainly, poverty)
YOU SHOULD TALK BROKEN ENGLISH
If mirth-making Is your chosen profession, you should
speak broken English, or better yet, BrOoklynese . If
people understand you when you speak, you're In
troublel Go to your local hospital and have a tongue-
sectomy, which is the permanent removal of your tongue!
S\
n 5o
Q- o
a
ac
S
zr-~
, ...''.V-:
HOW TO HANDLE HECKLERS
Hecklers are rude people who are
always trying to Interrupt your act.
They are easy to spot, as they usually
have short hair and terminal acne.
You can quiet him by Insulting him, or
might try dropping a live scorpion
in his underwear)
HOW TO DEMAND ATTENTION
Be firm with the audience. When you
introduce yourself, make it known
that you are here to make everyone
laugh. You expect them to listen, and
If they don't, when they go to pick
up their cars, they may discover a
couple of flat tires.
HOW TO OVERCOME SHYNESS
If you are shy and fearful of
audiences, you don't have to per-
form. .You can distribute xeroxed
copies of your jokes to the audience,
and hide behind the stage while they
read them. You can tell the audience
to go home and mail In their laughs!
How To
Tell If
You're
Bombing
If the owner of the nightclub Inter-
rupts your act and tells you to start
washing dishes, you're bombing!
If the audience begins to dance dur-
ing your first joke and there's no
music in your act, you're bombing!
If the people begin to chant, "We
want Peter Lemongello!" and he is
not scheduled to appear, you're
bombing!
If instead of making the audience If an Arab Terrorist approaches you
laugh, your jokes are making the to buy your jokes to use to blow up
audience cough, you're bombing! a building, you're bombing!
ilAldojoiMS ssmiurew 111K19 uaaio ffaf sin a~lbJOM N0llN3i.lt
Do you think you have a sense of humor? Should you choose the world of stand-up comedy as your
career? To find out If you have the "funny stuff," we at CRAZY suggest you take the following. .
.
COMIC APTITUDE TEST
Check One Choice At The Right For Each Question Below: yes no
on
religious
holidays
once in a
crowded
elevator
(1) Did you ever try to jam your grandfather's pacemaker with a magnet?
(2) Would you ever consider marrying a girl named Nunzio?
(3) Do you respect girls who offer you guacamole-dip on the first date?
(4) Did you ever think that Crazy magazine is written by aliens from a distant
planet who possess an inferior intelligence?
(5) Do you ever worry that while you are being interviewed for an important job,
globs of cheese will start falling from your nose?
(6) Do you know what guacamole-dip is?
(7) Do you think that at this very moment, people in Calcutta, India, are making
fun of your zip code?
(8) If you were a college professor teaching a course in cinema, would you
require your students to see a "peep show?"
(9) Who is Harry Kellerman and why is he saying those terrible things about
everybody?
(10) Do you think a person is funny just because he wears his toupee,
sticky-side up?
(11) Are you a person who thinks intellectuals eat cold-cuts for breakfast?
(12) If your girlfriend tells you that she has "shingles", does this mean that she
is in the roofing business?
(13) Do you think a nightclub audience has a right to heckle you if, in the
middle of your comedy act, you sing a disco version of "Malaguena"?
SCORING FOR THE
COMIC APTITUDE TEST
-'"v;.-
;: -
y
%*
V- 4f
If you answered all "yes": It means that you have
a terrific sense of humor, and you should immediately
apply for a job as a Door-To-Door Pork Salesman in
a Moslem country!
If you answered all "no": It means you are a good-
looking, intelligent, normal person . . .one who.would
refuse to play "strip poker" at Christmas parties!
If you answered "once in a crowded elevator"
to half of the questions: It means you are obvious-
ly a funny person, but you will never make it big on
TV because no network would ever hire anyone with
a history of mental insanity as bad as yours!
If you ate the test: It means you have a fantastic
sense of humor, although your knowledge of nutri-
tions is miserable!
If you smoked the test: What this means we don't
know, but we suggest that you call the Surgeon ,
General and find out what he has to say about it
29
^Sfli
WHAT YOU
SHOULD
SAYWHEN
THEY
WHEN THEY SAY.
Writer:
Warren Emery
SAY.
. .
Artist:
Vic Martin
WHEN THEY SAY. YOU SHOULD SAY...
WHEN THEY SAY ... YOU SHOULD SAY . . .
Hey, bud, how
far is it to
the rock concert?
Go back to Route \4
and head north
for 96 miles!
c-iss
And when did you
first notice these
feelings of depression?
WHEN THEY SAY...
WHEN THEY SAY.
YOU SHOULD SAY. WHEN THEY SAY ... YOU SHOULD SAY.
YOU SHOULD SAY.
LAV OH- V^
w
W/
That's strange. . .
it's usually green
and purple!
s~
yf
YOU SHOULD SAY...
WHEN THEY SAY... YOU SHOULD SAY.
WHEN THEY SAY. YOU SHOULD SAY.
When you watch a new show on television you probably think it is newl What you don't know Is that
It's only one of many similar shows that, for one reason or another, wasn't released. So, If you think
the winners are lousy, consider what you almost got by reviewing some of these...
1
11
THAT DIDN'T QUITE MAKE IT!
Artist: Kent Gamble
(VRMAN
Was to be about a frustrated female artist who draws por-
traits. Everytime she sketches people they get into trouble, so
obviously she feels responsible. The premise was changed
when the test audience showed this wasn't boring enough!
Was to be about a government agent with extensive dental
work, until producers discovered that $600 barely filled a few
cavities. So what they did was simply add a few more tran-
sistors and set up a more appropriate price!
Was to be about a British nobleman forced by devaluation of
the pound to live with a family of peasants. The series had to
32 be revised and brought to America because England didn't
have enough racial groups to insult!
Was to be about a federal penetentiary in the old West days
from which inmates were constantly escaping to help passers-
by in distress. Then the townspeople got together to build a
gallows. The idea was scrapped as being too realistic for TV!
Was to be about two corny old gents who start their own sew-
ing circle. One also has a beautiful but dim-witted wife and a
pig named Arnold who watches TV. The show was radically
altered when found to be the only one that even the pig wouldn't
watch!
HIPPIE DAYS
Was to be based on an ex-cop's assorted tales of informers
who earn their livelihood finking on associates and otherwise
playing both ends against the middle. On TV such characters
naturally came across as loveable, which, for this show con-
flicted with the need for more violence!
Was to be about those wild, wonderful flower children running
rampant during the early 70s. The problem was getting an ag-
gravatingly-typical father into the script, when all the kids had
supposedly run away from home!
FLU GRANT
Was to be about a romantic triangle filmed on location in Alas-
ka. Seems two females share an igloo with one male, who
never score because the Alaska Pipeline keeps breaking. The
show never got filmed for that reason: the pipeline kept breaking!
18 IS ENOUGH
When Mary Tyler Moore folded, network bigwigs figured her
series boss had enough appeal for a show of his own, cast as
a scientist after the government for funds to discover a cure
for the common cold. Unfortunately, the only discovery was
that this was really something to sneeze at!
Was to be about a good Catholic family caught between the
Church and overpopulation. On the preliminary show, still an'
other member is expected and the question is, what would be
best: abortion, going for twenty, or starting off with a lower
number? The rest is history!
33
WHAT'S LAWBREAKING
fl/LL CN/EK.'
Was to be a more accurate portrayal ot lite in a typical urban
ghetto until blacks protested the undesirable association.
Seemed the blacks objected to any association with criminals,
preferring to remain, as they have since Amos and Andy, as-
sociated with idiots!
JAMES AT W HE Jl/ST AIN'T NORMAL
The actual series almost made it twice. First, as a look at ex-
periences encountered by L.A.'s newest police force-apes on
motorcycles! Then as a look at rookies, working under a spin-
off from Barney Miller, named Fish. Needless to say, this one
would have been entitled "Fish And Chips"!
FORD COUNTRY^
Producers wanted this series to prove at least some kids are
still honest and decent. Yet when they couldn't find one single
candidate at that age they had to add a year and fortunately,
found one. Trouble is, the problem keeps coming up every year!
BEVERLY JONES
WStk
To prove just how far back programs are planned, this was t
be the name of a current show which obviously required a
change.' It also goes to prove that TV producers aren't as
bright as the public that made the change. Or are they?
LOVEBOUT
HOW/
J
This was to be about an eccentric hillbilly millionaire who de-
cides to play private eye. Assisted by a bodyguard named
Granny who handles his heavy work, he helps locate stray cat-
tle and investigate tractor accidents. Scrapped because it was
slated to appear before the Gong Showwhich gonged it!
Was to be a weekly tale about various couples seeking a di-
vorce. On the first show, two Indians want to split up and
marry settlers. This was to explain how some couples go about
getting good settlements. It also explained why this version
didn't stand a chance!
CRAZy
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CRAZY INTERVIEW NO. 4
AN INCREDIBLE TALK WITH
jm
Writer: Paul Laikin Artist: Kent Gamble
Hello out there! This is Walter Krank-
case with another interview for CRAZY
Magazine! Today I'm talking to TV's
biggest new star.. .the INCREDIBLE HULK!
IV-
,m
lS\
I understand that on television you don't talk at all, but
here. ..for the first time, ..you've consented to talk to me!
I can't TELL you what an honor this is, Mr. Hulk...
7"~
ON THE'-!
AIR
:yp
Talking about talk, Incredible...
you DO speak in your Marvel
Comic book stories, but not on TV
Why is that?
< '/
Small budget! Can't
afford Hulk! If Hulk
talk they must pay
more. ..and Hulk no
work for chicken feed,|
buster!
=
Another thing our readers would like to
know is. ..how come every time you change
from Doctor Banner into the Hulk YOU
TURN GREEN?
The
transition
makes me
NAUSEOUS!
Incredible. ..being the Hulk, you have everything a man
I could want. ..strength, power, girls. ..why should you wan-
to change back into Doctor Banner all the time?
fsnm
5
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I
Can't find suit of clothes to fit me! It gets pretty cold running
around all the time in only JOCKEY SHORTS!
^sr
Another question I'd like to ask you.. .what makes the HULK
angry? I mean, you're the personification of anger. ..what
bugs you the mof
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when he angry, I turn into monster even
more vicious and contemptible!
GOOD GOSH! He's
changing into some
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other creature. ..or bei.
I can't BEAR to watch
Why, it
looks
like...
Let me make one thing perr-fectly clear...
|
I AM NOT A CLONE
1 L
This is Walter Krankcase
saying goodbye for
CRAZY Magazine!
.CP
One of the joys of childhood Is having a scrapbook. How sweet it Is to collect little mementos of
pleasant trips, wonderful occasions and unforgettable romances; But what of the clods of the
world Who go through life making mistake offer mistake and foui-up after foul-up? What dp
their scrapbook* show? Take a look right now in this kook book that the kook calls. -.
*MMOiRS OF
A MMGY
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.
Politicians have been saying the same
baring things for the last twenty years.
They're all against crime, inflation, high
taxes, and pollution. What's happening is
that they're polluting our ears with the same
old stuff, year after year. We wish a politi-
cian would come along who was FOR any of
those things! Then we might wake up and
really listen! Like these examples of . .
.
POLITICIANS'
'OJ3X -CnaOA'l NOIJ.N3JJ.V
And if I am elected, I will do my best to make certain
that our waters become more polluted than ever! Think
of it! If we fill our oceans, our rivers and lakes with
enough waste, no one will ever again drown ! The float-
ing garbage will save them! Millions of tax-payer
dollars will no longer be wasted in building unnecessary,
expensive bridges! We'll all be able to walk across the
Hudson on beer cans. And some day, we'll even be able
to walk across the Atlantic to visit our allies in England,
France, and Italy! So pollute your waters today!
TAL
JUST A
LITTLE
BIT
DIFFERENT
Writer: Bob Helt Artist: John Langton
56
My friends, we must put an end to all this talk about
ridding our cities of crime! Think of the unemployment
that would result if crime no longer kept our economy
booming! Our police would be thrown out of jobs, and
have to go on welfare. Judges, prison guards, lawyers,
and insurance salesmen would be thrown out of work.
We would suffer the worst depression since 1929! And
so, in the interest of preserving our economy and our
way of life, let us all pledge to do our part. . .and
commit at least one crime each day!
I promise that if I am your next President, inflation will
increase at a faster pace than ever before! Bootblacks
. . .wouldn't you like to get $10 per shine? Candy-store
owners . . . wouldn't you like to sell a pack of gum for
$15? Scale manufacturers. . .wouldn't it make you
happy to have people stuff $20 bills into those little old
54 slots? So get behind inflation now! Let's everybody
clean up a bloody fortune!
Fellow citizens, we should all do our part to pollute the
air! Don't you want to see what you're breathing? How
can you trust air that you can't see? Would you eat food
you couldn't see? Would you wear clothes you couldn't
see? Then why take the chance of breathing invisible
air? With air pollution, the atmosphere will be so thick
you can't help noticing it! Unless you yourself are thick,
that is!
And I promise that if I am elected, I will raise taxes to a
higher level than any President in the history of our
great nation! Think of the benefits! You'll all have so
little money left that you won't have to go out and
spend ridiculously high prices for non-essentials like
food and clothing! By doing away with money, you'll do
away with problems! So elect me and I promise to do
away with all your troubles! And mainly, with all your
BLIND 0A1 9TMTGY
pxig^a-
I whole clove garlic
1 nose plug
2 cases breath mints
When your blind date arrives (and is uglier than you ever
imagined) pop the garlic clove into your mouth and chew
rapidly (to get the full aroma going). Then, with your mouth
as close as possible to the ugly blind date's nose, say: "Hi,
there!" Blind date will leave immediately. Then, gently in-
sert the nose plug into the appropriate area (for your own
benefit) and slowly consume the last ingredient while
spending a quiet evening alone.
GGTTIMG A MK
Writer: Marylyn Ippolito
Artist: Bill Burke
58
J very old, {rayed shirt framed pictures of
I oJd suit, (pants with very shiny seat) all your relatives
small brown paper bags I set Rosary beads
doctor and dentist bills I Bible
Display very prominently on your desk, the first three items.
This will let your boss know that you are a deeply religious
family man. Casually scatter the next item across you desk.
This will let your boss know that you have pressing obliga-
tions. Always wear the same next two items. This will let
your boss know that you do not waste your money on a
fancy wardrobe. Carry your lunch to work in a small paper
bag. The smaller the better. Always eat at your desk, while
giving the illusion that you are hard at work on your lunch
hour. This will let your boss know what a diligent worker
you are. Keep this up until you finally get a raise. If you are
convincing enough, you may even get a promotion.
MORNING-dfTCR HdNGOMGR CURG
10 bottles of Alka-Seltzer
1 ice-pack
2 ear plugs
I lawyer
Mix the Alka-Seltzer in o gallon jug, and sip constantly
through a straw. Add ice cubes to the ice pack, and apply
it to your head (if you can stand the pressure). Insert the
ear plugs in your ears (if you con manage to locate them)
to insure the quiet that is needed to rest undisturbed. Open
your eyes every hour or so (if you con stand the light) just
to make sure you're still alive. Add the final item, when
the need is urgent enough to make out your will.
VOIDING MMILY RCUI1IOW
1 bunch of embarrassing candid snap shots of family
1 memory full of skeleton-in-the-closet tales
I collection of secretly recorded tapes of family fights
When confronted by your parents who remind you about
the family reunion, confront them right back. Tell them you
have o terrific idea on how to liven up the party. Show them
the first item, which you plan to pass oround to all the
relatives. If they are still skeptical, recite the second item,
which you plan to recite again to all the relatives. If they
are still not convinced, play the last item for them. Make
sure they hear the tape on which they themselves knocked
all the relatives. They will then threaten to punish you if you
show up at the reunion.
SCHOOL CXdM COP-OUT
MOTHCR-IIUdw'S VII9IT
J large bowl of pork & beans
I dish of boiled cabbage
I dish of broccoli
I dish of brussel sprouts
1 dish of cauliflower
I dish of chili bean soup
1 clothespin
1 quart of Kaopectate
On the night before the test you know you will flunk, eat
very generous helpings of the first six ingredients. When
you get to school in the morning, complain to the teacher
that something is wrong with your stomach. Make sure you
stand very close to her, and let 'er rip! If she does not
succumb to the aroma, and forces you to take your seat,
sit there holding your stomach as if in pain. By this time,
oil the students around you will be holding their noses.
After being sent home, drink the lost ingredient and place
the clothespin on your nose until the odor dies down.
1 puppy (not house-broken) 40 cases of beer (any brand)
6 old Army buddies 12 cans of house paint
Bring the puppy home o couple of days before your mother-
in-law arrives. Confine the messy creature to the guest
room, where the old battle-axe will be staying. This should
be the only room where the puppy is allowed to "do his
thing". If this does not discourage the old bat during her
visit, introduce the next two ingredients to the household.
Mix well, the beer and the buddies. Keep the party going,
full tilt. If old horse-face still doesn't take the hint, bring
out the last ingredient, supply your buddies with it, and
start pointing away, preferably the guest room first. Keep
all windows tightly closed. The stench of the puppy, the
Army buddies, and the paint should do the trick. One more
thingexpect your wife, as well as your mother-in-law, to
leave you. 59
dLLOWdMCC HIKG
6 friends dressed
After pleading with your father to raise your allowance,
(and listening to him explain that money isn't everything,)
shock him by agreeing with him. Then tell him that because
of his speech, you have made up your mind to go to a place
where you will have no need of money. While he is recov-
ering from this announcement, invite your friends into the
living room, introduce them as representatives of the Loony
religion, and sit on the floor chanting' along with them. In-
form your father that he will no longer have to support you,
as you are going to take your final vows to become a
Loony. Tell him you hope that you will meet him again
someday. As you and your friends get up to leave, say
goodbye to him and force a tear to fall for a dramatic
effect. He should triple your allowance by the time you
reach the door.
GTTinG INTO An X-MTCD MOMIC
f a
pair of platform shoes I dark brown magic marker (fine point,)
butt I purple magic marker (fine point)
With the dark brown magic marker, very carefully draw
short tiny lines over your upper lip, to imitate mustache
stubble. (This is more convincing than pasting on a phony
mustache. It itches less, too.) Then, with the purple magic
marker, have a friend draw a couple of tattoos on your
arms. (An anchor on one, and "Mother" on the other, should
do quite nicely,) Wear your sister's tallest platform shoes,
to give you added height. And finally, when asking the girl
in the booth for a ticket, lower your voice an octave, and
hove the cigar butt dangling from your lips. Winking lecher-
ously at her might help too, especially if she is an old maid.
PUBLIC TMIWORWION 9dT-GCTTCR
(For Females)
I fluffy pillow 1 wrist watch (with second-hand)
I long piece of cord I bullet
Before boarding the bus or train, make a visit to the ladies'
room and stuff the pillow under your blouse or dress. Tie it
securely with the cord, leaving no chance for it lo fall out.
Fluff it up over your stomach. Then, when forced to stand in
the crowded bus or train, position yourself in front of the
most sympathetic-looking stranger who is sitting down.
Moan loudly, while glancing nervously a! your watch. Add
a few remarks like, "Omigod, the contractions are only
three minutes apart!". . .or, "Oh, no! I can feel the baby
moving downwards!" If all this fails to get you any atten-
tion, fake out the bullet, bite down on it, and let out a
piercing scream. Thai should get you a seat, but quick.
60
(For Males) I brown paper bag
1 bunch raisins (dark kind)
Before getting on the bus or train, place the raisins in the
brown paper bag. Hold the bag close to your body, as
though you were guarding it with your life. It will also help
if you muss up your hair and attain a wild-eye look. Then,
while standing in the crowded bus or train, carefully take
out two or three raisins and chew on them as though they
were the most delicious things you ever tasted. Eat noisily.
When you have gained the attention of the person sitting
in front of you, take out , and offer some to the stranger.
Tell him that these are the biggest cockroaches you caught
in a long time. Chances are, you will not only have the,*
seat all to yourself, but the entire bus or train too! /.-.
fc
UPDATED
VERSIONS
SONGS
Artist: Walter Broganjeii
Writer: Fred Woffe
(To tune of:
"0, Susannah!")
0. 1 come from California
With a band-aid on my knee
'Cause I rumbled with
"Hell's Angels" V
And they nearly crippled me
I tried to make their *
Leader's chick; . .^-vr'W-.,..
He didn't take it kind.
The acid-bath he gave me,
Like, it left me nearly blind.
Holy Hannah!
He pushed me 'neath a train.
Now my skull is in some canyon
And they're mailing me my brain!
(To tune of:
"Home On The Range"
I live in a home
Where the junkies all roam;
Where the addicts and
Pill-poppers stay.
Where my lady and me
Are zonked on L.S.D.
And there's grass
Served for breakfast each day.
j
Home, home, sure is strange;
'"
Where our guests get
Turned on every way.
Either light up their sticks;
Get a heroin fix;
With their chicks turning tricks
For no pay!
IP Hl-y
'
B
'&
(To tune of:
"A Bicycle Built For Two"
Crazy, Crazy,
Ail of the things we do.
While in Paris,
Knocked off a cop or two.
Like, man, we showed no repentance;
They'll carry out our sentence.
We'll both be dead;
We'll lose our head
On a guillotine built for two!
(To tune of:
"The Old Mill Stream")
Down by the old Kill Stream
^k
Where I first bashed you.
J
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~\/
Thought that you were through; )M
Tried to bury you.
'
But you turned the trick
Hit me with a brick.
Out on the heath;
Picked up my teeth;
Down by the old Kill Stream!
62
(To tune of:
"My Old Kentucky Home")
From a grave down South
I dig old Kentucky bones;
The rings from their
Fingers, I steal.
Though it sounds real sick;
From a freshly buried chick,
I pry up the cover
Kiss her for real.
Chicks in good condition,
I take on a date.
Man, it's really neat;
How much pizza can she eat?
Say, those Kentucky bones
Are real great!
>
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(To tune of:
"Let Me Call You Sweetheart'
Let me call you weirdo;
I'm in love with you.
From your whips and leather $^\J J \
I am black and blue.
'^JC
/Sxj
Lashed me to a bedpost;
"
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^
Then you ate my shoe.
You can call me weirdo
'Cause I dig it too!
(To tune of:
"Sweet Sixteen")
I mugged you like I
Never mugged before.
I slashed you and your
Brand-new dress, I tore.
And then, I dug the naked
Flesh I saw.
I mugged you
And I loved you.
You lowed me back!!
You were my sweet sick-teen!
St,
&
(To tune Of:
"Loch Lomond"]
And I'll drink a rye load
UnT^
And I'll be polluted afore ye;
With your pills, you can goof
While I drink 600-proof
From my bonnie, bonnie tanks
I make foam in.
You dig snorting "horse";
It throws you for a loss;
L.S.D. leaves you moanin'
And groanin'
That junk, I don't try;
Get fuel to make me fly
From my bonnie, bonnie tanks
I make foam in!
&
.-...:
''-:
..
(To tune Of:
"Lullaby and Goodnight")
Victims cry in the night; ,.
Man, the city's uptight. ..-^l**
Teen-age gangs are on the loose;
/OC~a3
if you're caught, they'll
F}X~^
(To tune ol:
'" "
UTtL .-;.;>,
After The Ball Was Over")
^N V
ffs'A
After the brawl was over;
After we made them pay;
Knocked them both off
V
Cook your goose.
They will steal all your bread;
Play a tune on your head.
No use calling for help;
Cops are calling, themselves!
Our doorstep;
Took all their cakes away;
Many a bone was broken;
Their uniforms torn and all;
Those Girl Scouts won't give
Us no trouble
After the brawl!
rr$m
(To tune of:
"Beautiful Dreamer'
Beautiful screamer,
Your voice, I'll
To sell an L.P. of
A forcible rape.
Beautiful screamer,
There on the ground;
Just wailing away;
That's a crazy new sound.
Beautiful screamer,
Stop pleading with me.
Stop sobbing and crying;
You might go off-key.
Beautiful screamer.
When I depart;
Just keep the good thought:
You're on top of the chart!
(To tune of:
"Glory, Glory, Hallelujah")
My guys have seen the glory of
The stripping of a Ford.
First, we jimmy off the hub-caps;
In our vans they're neatly stored.
Then, we open up the windows
And our gang all climbs aboard;
Each parked car is fair game.
Glory, glory, we'll undo ya;
Glory, glory, we'll undo ya;
Glory, glory, we'll undo ya;
You're left with just the frame.
We remove the carburator;
All the doors, both fore and aft.
Then, the spark-plugs
And the motor-block
While we all gaily laughed.
Then we slip out all the pistons
And the owner gets the shaft;
Ain't that a dirty shame.
Glory, glory, sock it to ya;
Glory, glory, sock it to ya;
Glory, glory, sock it to ya;
Delinquency's our game!
(To tune of:
"ComirT Through The Rye")
When a body steals a body
From the City Morgue;
Everybody gets excited:
Calls me: "Dirty
I yell back, in my defiance
\^
Or I spit in their eye;
I sell the corpses
All to Science
Just to buy cheap rye
(To tune of:
"I Want A Girl Just
Like The Girl That Married Dear
Old Dad")
I want a girl
Just like the girl
That Charlie Manson had.
Your hair, she'd curl;
With a knife, she'd hurl,
If you should make her mad.
A kind of chick who'd
Really set you free;
To bring along
To each atrocity.
I want a girl
Just like the girl
That Charlie Manson had!
Try;
*KN
(To tune of:
"Yankee Doodle") ^fife***^
Bang your noodle
""
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Slr^vS
On the ground;
Me and my old crony
Take your wallet
And your watch;
Your portable
New Sony.
Bang your noodle
On the ground;
Once or twice
We muff it.
If we're caught,
They let us off;
We tell the judge
To stuff it!
m
*3W **
(To tune of:
"My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean
1
My body lies under the ocean;
My body lies under the foam;
I borrowed dough from Cosa Nostras ~*^&
Now, I have an undersea home.
Give back, give back,
0, give back the money
I lent and spent.
Maybe then they'll
Release me from all this cement!
"^
(To tune of:
"Frere Jacques'
,
Off you ocker; oft your rocker;
Aren't you? Aren't you?
Eating unplucked chickens;
Claws and all; it sickens;
What's with you? What's with you?
Off your rocker; off your rocker;
One loose screw? One loose screw?
Ealing ducks and ganders;
Nibbling Colonel Sanders;
I'll join you; I'll join you!
(To tune of:
"Sidewalks of New York")
We dive, sky-dive,
Miles above the ground.
My street gang mugs
Hawks and eagles;
It's the wildest
Kick we found.
They may say we're crazy,
But we don't give a hoot.
As soon as we can afford it,
We'll all buy a parachute!
:Bjbi| si liiiuis a!?X Q1HOM NOIJ.N311V
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(To tune of:
"On Tap Of Old Smoky")
0, what's that you're smoking?
You're starting to gag;
You're wheezing and choking;
Hey, give me a drag!
Say, this is terrific;
It's blowing my mind.
It's an old Lipton tea bag.
Man, fate is unkind!
DF
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ATTENTION WINDBAGS:
YOU'VE GOT MOTHIMaTO
BRAG ABOUT WHEN...
Writer: Roger Francis Artist: Charles Nicholas
..you can do a hundred one-arm chinupsbut ...you can drink a gallon of whiskey without get-
you can only do It on your kid brother's cross- ting drunkbut only because you keep throwing
barl It upt
...you live In a mansion and drive a $20,000 ...you're on a first-name basis with an influen-
sports carbut only because your parents were tial politicianbut only because you were In
super-richt prison together!
,-.- ...you score with at least three different women ...you paid out $25,000 last year in income tax
every nightbut only because it happens to be alonebut unfortunately your gross income was
your pad! only $5,0001
...you're closely related to several famous peo-
plebut can't prove it because they've spent a
fortune covering it up!
...you can draw three times better than any of
your friendsbut only because you went to art
school for eight years!
...you get all A's on your report card just like the
class geniusbut only because you copied all his
answers!
...women actually line up at your doorstepbut
only because you live right over the local beauty
parlor!
...you're always using lengthy, hard-to-pronounce
words which nobody understandsbut only be-
cause you made them up!
people often mistake you for a very famous
movie starbut only because you really do re-
semble Lassie!
...you have a PhD in nuclear physicsbut only be
cause you took a correspondence course consist-
ing of one lesson!
...you can lick any man in the housebut only if ^ag
he doesn't want his boots cleaned by convention- MM?
a I means! \EMi
YARD SALE ITEMS
|V/f[Mj^|Hii||).|[ii/iMUUUUIll^lUHUUjli'NlH< iim\MivMUHu n\\unuuminuv\in
RACK OF DIRTY OLD CLOTHES
high fashion from the 1920s
that even a moth couldn't stomach!
But at these prices, how can you
go wrong? So what if they're 4
sizes too big for you?
\
A FEW ODD GAMES
]
AND PUZZLES

ce-
iling sold separately but
jj
you better buy 'em all
|
'cause all the pieces
are mixed up
if
they're there in the
first place
QUARTER BOX
-
everything in this boxlj
costs a quarter, ex-
cept the box
which
costs three dollars!
&itasp 1 1 pre
OU'RE SURE TO FIND
GOOD WILL "LOSS
LEADER"

an item
you can have for free,
like a completely bald
tire! Watch the dealer
turn blue when someone
asks him if he'll let it go
for less!
GENUINE CHINA
-
these
dishes are called China be-
cause they were made in
Hong Kong!
CAMERA
-
so
what if it's a little
old, it still works
great! If you can
^
find any film to
\f/-
t
put in it, that is!
DEALER'S FAMILY
PORTRAIT PHOTO
-
which nobody could possib-
ly want except a psycholo-
researching the depths
to which some people will
sink to make a buck!
TRAY OF 50 BRAND-
NEW JACK-KNIVES
-
or similar items never
needed in a sing
household and there-
fore must have been
'i stolen!
COMMON,
ORDINARY PENNIES-^
all minted within the
last few years but
being sold for 50$
each because
who
knows? They might go
up in value!
LIFE-SIZE RAGGEDY
ANN DOLL

whoops!
Sorry, it's the dealer's
wife! But make him an
offer he won't refuse!
MODERN
,
CHILDREN'S FURNI-
TURE which can
) pass for antique con-
sidering the beating
they've taken!
A CRAZY QUEERY:
WHY
DON'T
rfffrfflTff
A microwave slow-cooking oven for house- TV sets mounted on johns so you won't
wives with time on their hands. miss the commercials when you go to the
bathroom.
Square bicycle wheels for masochists who
like to take a beating when they ride.
Barf bags in movie theaters that show gory
films to little kids or senior citizens.
Built-in motorized mattress springs so peo-
ple who toss in their sleep won't have to
expend any effort.
Singles bars with moving walks so people Special airplanes that take you from the air- Portable lie-detector sets that buyers can
can inspect each other without squeezing port where you land to the parking lot two use on used-car salesmen before making a
through the crowds. miles away. purchase.
Warning buzzers that go off when the ash- Striped house paint for people who want to Rock music albums with detachable woolen
trays in your car are all full. paint two or three colors all at once. ear muffs for parents and music lovers.
Transparent sun-glasses for celebrities who Wallets with locks on them for misers who Revolving floors for lazy disco dancers who
actually want to be recognized. hate to part with their money. don't want to move around much.
Golf courses with bathtub-size holes every Pocket tapes with recorded boos and Steering wheels in the rear of the car for
ten feet, just for lousy players. cheers so you won't have to strain your the convenience of back-seat drivers.
voice at a ball game.
/"3i\
Writer: Hope Hlrsch
Artist: Mike Pardo
,
> Mt|C<2 Pa.t>o
T
78
"V^
LONGEST BATH
Wendell Whiteside, of London, England, entered the bath
of his cold-water flat on December 3, 1913 to avoid
military service in World War One, deciding to remain
hidden in the tub until the war was over. When the MPs
came to arrest Whiteside, he ducked down into the bath
water and breathed through a straw. Unfortunately, he
contracted a fatal disease because of it and died in the
tub. A diary he had kept made a clean confession of his
bathing caper. Whiteside's disease? Ring around the
cholora!
MOST ARDENT
HORSEMAN
Arnold Mainspring, of Atlanta, Georgia, was such a lover
of horses that he changed his name to "Phillip" Main-
spring when he learned that Philip, in Greek, means
"lover of horses." Mainspring was such a fanatic that
he preferred to eat and sleep in the stable rather than
his stately mansion. Unfortunately, shortly before one of
his horses was due to enter the famed Kentucky
Derby, Mainspring, on May 14, 1959, succumbed to
what his doctor (actually a veterinarian) diagnosed as
hoof and mouth disease!
F
^
MOST
LUDICROUS HANGING
In Milan, Italy, On February 21, 1945, Carlo Massini
was captured by Italian partisans and sentenced to be
hanged. Because there was a wartime shortage of rope
however, the partisans decided to hang Massini with
a huge strand of spaghetti. Before he fell through the
gallows' trap-door, Massini frantically tried to save him-
self by eating that strand of spaghetti. Unfortunately for
him, the partisans had cleverly removed Massini's false
teeth beforehand. Thus, he died because he bit off more
than he could chew!
;
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CIGARETTES SMOKED
Leopold Carson, of Des Moines, Iowa, was warned by
doctors to give up cigarettes. An obstinate man, he
decided to disprove the idea that smoking is injurious to
your health by remaining locked in his room with 300
cartons of cigarettes. He would smoke one after the
other until either he died or the cigarettes were con-
sumed. After smoking 209 cartons, Carson failed to
close the matchbox cover before striking and set fire to
his shirt. The fire ultimately consumed Carson and the
remaining 91 cartons of cigarettes. What he did was
really make an ash of himself.
LENGTHIEST SILENCE
Clem Appleby, of Hotchkiss Falls, North Caro-
lina, lived 97 years, 4 months and 3 days, and
in all that time, nobody in Hotchkiss Falls
could recall hearing Clem Appleby say one
word. It wasn't that he was born mute, he had
just taken a vow of silence. On his deathbed,
relatives gathered around and one said, "Clem,
you can speak. Why haven't you said one
word all these years?" Clem Appleby looked at
his questioner for a long time, thenjust be-
fore he breathed his last-said, "Er. . .I just
didn't have anything to say!"
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MORE SCENES FROM
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dlrttto rtemerga nella concrete
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THE ISRAELI FILM
WITH ENGLISH
TRANSLATIONS
UNDERNEATH
THE JAPANESE FILM
Ijuwiwa
i lit
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iw
j
Keresiink eyakorlott,
f
s\ rendetkezfi -f^rfit vagy h|
not plasztik rasanoz
butorhuzatok var
ktizel k6z6tti h&lfTy
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HaHH MM. HaHH.
One of the summer's biggest
hits was proclaiming itself as a
great new comedy-mystery.
We at CRAZY feel that's an
appropriate description. .
.
mainly because anyone looking
for the comedy will find it a
total mystery! No wonder it's
such a . .
.
!/*^
guests feel at hornel
the party, Gloriosky?r-7y7- Heh-heri. . .1 do my
J-tt
fr-Vr-K hm'J'^
best to make my
Yes . . . very impress-
n *
ive! Where else can
you find water
flowing like
champagne?
1 I wanted to feel ot
home, I would've
stayed there
!
~
you, Gloriosky. . you're
such a homebody! You
never go out to meet
people! You're so square
and dull. . .you should
been a librarian!
1
But. . .1 am a librarian!
^m .
[3N
)&
m
i\
Hi! I'm Horny Coolsorn and you're notlj
3
Just what
do you
think
you're
doing?
Merely the shtick that I became famous for. . . acting
like a klutzl I hope you paid attention, because I'll
be doing it only one more time in this movie! The
rest of the time I act "straight"!
Especially to the audience! They've seen
my only two "klutz" bits in all the film
advertisements for this movie, and no
doubt they expected me to fall around a lot
more
I wish I was given some more
I funny things to do in my movie
T debut! Hey. . .you want to see
me pick my nose? That also
helped make me famous!
Look. . .1 think I'll be
leaving now! Can I dropl
you off anywhere. ,
a nearby bridge?
c
if
^
a
Writer: Mured Gumen Artist: Kent Gamble
I really don't make it a habit tu pick up hitchhikers. . .but youl
look so much like that cute cop from the TV show, "Mary
Hartman, Mary Hartman" that I thought I would take a
chancel
I Cop? I'm not an undercover. . .er, I mean, I'm not a
1 copl Really! But next time, pass up the hitchhikers
.section 23C of the penal code flatly states
it's against the lawl Now let me just get my
!) badge and .38 snubnose revolver and I'll join you \
kM
. my date was just murdered in the
3 feeling someone's trying to kill me!
;|
Now, now my dear. . remember, I'll protect you !
|Tha t't right! You have a black belt, don't you?|
Yes. . .and you can borrow it any time you I ike I If
that fails to keep your pants up, I might even lend
you my favorite purple suspenders! Now, nobody
will hurt you while I'm around! There's only one
thing harder than my muscles. .
.
nil', i
ESSM
-)Yes, I know. . .your qrterlesi I
fts^l
Do me a favor, Gloriosky! Let's set a date tonight for the
movie theatre! , 1^
wm\
...
^ fa^f
Great! Let me ask another favor of you! Take my
L
cigarette pack for the meantime ... I'm trying to Y
give up smoking, and I may buckle down to
temptatlonl
Sure!
|
Uf.
c^
Gee, you're nice! Can you do me one more favor?
Would you please not let the hidden microphone
stashed in the pack fall into the hands of those
guys following us. . .even if they threaten to kill
you with the most hideous and intolerably pain-
ful tortures only their twisted minds could
devise? Thanks!
Gloriosky, you're a walking time clock waiting to be
Ipunched outl You've got to learn to protect yourself in this
jungle!
,.
)W
-_.
^ ^-. II II I flft \. V
^JJlJ
Take a tip from me. . . I never go outdoors without my
machete, my Colt .45 pistol, my semi-automatic
machine gun, and my trusty bazooka! Only one way
to be sure of living in the future, I find, is to live in the
present- tensel
*v.
47
W
I'm sorry, but it's after hours
and you'll have to leave the
ibrary! . . . Hey! Where are you
eyeballs? You look like a
refugee from "Little Orphan
Annie")
First you try to kill me, then I try to kill you, and finally
j"Tne Man from Glad" appears from nowhere and hands you a
knife by the wrong end) I wonder what will happen next?
I
Next we I
Luckily, this isn't an old movie where o girl could
start P
only do one thing in a situation like this! Surely the
getting H script writers will devise something entirely new and
J
violent! I original, and not resort to a old cliche like. . . like. . .
vvhat are you doing here? And. . ohh! That smell! It
must be the dead bodyl
No, there's no dead body here! You're smelling the [
garbage that you haven't taken out far a few days!
And as for your first question ... I happen to be a copl
"sock-lt-to-me" girl?
I Lying down on the job when you're supposed to be on duty,
eh? Don't think I won't report this, you goof-off!
Give up or I send her to kingdom cornel
|
JWe have to get to the opera in record time if we hope to
prevent the Pope's murder!
t the opera is an hour's drive from here, and the
performance ends in twenty minutesl
If we're lucky, maybe we con get
to see the ambulance pull
flashing its little red l ights!
fllf we think positive, we'll make it! And that'll be some
record time if we do!
What do you know, we're on time! Okay, you two follow
me, and you go this way!
~~~--^
"--v |
liiuiiiii iii[t,,l
j
Why, what a surprise! The albino assassin got Gloriosky!
What's
this
The vending machinal Bring me a ham on rye,
and a cup of coffee?
trying to get a clear shot, sir. . .but he's so|
sparkling white, he's blinding me!
a clear shot? What are you, crazy? Don't you
now there are two of them up there? We can't
risk hitting the albino!
It's the gang HS And "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"!
Wxj$S/^'a
from the first mm What are you all
I "LAUGH-IN"! mi so angry about?
mm
When two of the most promising graduates of both our
:
PJ
comedy shows lend their talents to such an unfunny
"funny" film. .what can you expect?
1l^
r
mfci
CRAZY PHILOSOPHY
-
WORDS OF WISDOM FOR WHACKED-OUT WEIRDOS
-
Writer: Michael Pellow.kl
Arrlit: Aran Lalkin