Curbing Arguing and Encouraging

Healthy Communication
Q: It seems like all my spouse, Tanner, and I ever do is argue
with the kids. The kids are getting in on the act by talking back
and debating with us. They question why they have to do
something and then start arguing about why they
shouldnt have to do what we just told them to do.
Our kids span all di!erent ages: we have Jonah, a "ve-year-old
boy, Tasha, a ten-year-old girl, and Josh, a fourteen-year-old
boy. As parents, weve really lost control of the whole family!
How can we stop this insane arguing pattern?
A: How family members communicate with each other is
based on a complex mix of elements, including "rst and
foremost, how parents relate to each other.
The voice tones, facial expressions, gestures, and words you
use when talking come together and present a live
demonstration for your children of how to communicate.
This fact means that its typically a good idea to consider how
you and Tanner communicate, especially in the childrens
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presence.
Pay particular attention to your styles of communication.
Does one of you interrupt the other? Does one use a sharp
tone of voice or appear uninterested in what the other is
saying? Perhaps one of you (or both) takes on an
argumentative tone.
All of these things impact not only your marital relationship,
but also how your children learn to communicate.
Think of you and your spouse as models of communication
for your children.
Q: So, if Tanner and I arent communicating as well as we
could be, our children could be picking up our negative
habits. Are you saying that all we have to do is change how
we talk to each other and our kids will change their ways, too?
A: Ensuring you display healthy ways of relating will help.
Also, many other factors in#uence your kids communication
styles. How you and Tanner respond to your kids arguing
is also relevant.
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Maybe youre resolved to never get involved in your kids
squabbles, so you leave them to their own devices to "gure
things out. Or maybe you cut right in to the middle of their
arguments, trying to stop them from debating.
How you speak to your kids is also in the mix, including your
voice tone, words, and body language.
For example, your voice tone usually telegraphs to others
how youre feeling. So, if youre irritated, annoyed, frustrated,
or angry, the tone youre using probably re#ects those
feelings. Your kids then pick up on those feelings and behave
accordingly.
The words you choose can pack a punch. Its wise to think
about how youll say something to your children. For
example, if youre in the middle of "xing the sofas broken leg
and your "ve-year-old comes up to you and wants you to
play, you have a myriad of choices to make about what youll
say and how youll react.
You might say, Get the heck out of here! Cant you see Im
busy? in a loud, angry tone. Your "ve-year-old will likely think
that Mommy is in a grouchy mood and that he needs to
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simply get out of your sight to avoid worse consequences. His
feelings will be hurt.
But a more bene"cial way to respond would be something
like, Jonah, I have to "x this sofa leg "rst. Then, Ill get you a
snack and we can play, in a calm, quiet voice. Hell learn to
wait for what he wants.
Your body language can be crucial in such situations. Think
about a parent using their hands and gesturing as if theyre
trying to shoo their child out of the room or leaning toward
their child with an angry look on their voice. So your body
movements, including your facial expressions, also impact
your communications with your kids.
Q: Okay, I think Im getting the picture. If I want my kids to
stop arguing, then Tanner and I should be more careful
about how were talking with each other and to the kids.
But where do I begin?
A: You and Tanner can start by taking care with your joint
communications, ensuring youre using voice tones, words,
and body language that show e!ective methods of speaking.
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Next, you can begin using helpful communication methods
with the kids.
Q: But theyre all di!erent ages! Should how I talk to Jonah,
whos "ve, be the same as how I speak to Tasha, whos ten, or
Josh, whos fourteen?
A: Its important to use language that each of your kids
can understand. Therefore, for Jonah, youll "nd it necessary
to scale down your language and use simple words so he can
grasp your meaning.
For example, with "ve-year-olds, you can use a helpful
communication style with a diversionary tactic to encourage
them to do as you ask. You can say and do things like hold
out your hand to their hand and say cheerfully, Come on,
lets go into the kitchen to get a drink, when Jonahs getting
upset with something his brother or sister is doing.
With Tasha, since shes ten, you might use direct and simple
language to communicate. Hey, Tasha. I can see that youre
upset with Josh. Lets work on your math homework now.
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Talking to Josh, since hes fourteen, can be much like speaking
to an adult. You could say something like, Josh, if theres
something you want your sister to do for you, please ask her
to do it nicely. But remember that she has the right to say no
to you.
Q: Those are some great ways to deal with my kids, but what
if they still argue with me when I use those techniques? Right
now, its hard to imagine that they would simply stop yelling
and calm down.
A: When you !rst begin working to change the
communication patterns in your family, youll likely get
some "ak from the kids. Theyll test you by questioning what
youre doing or ignoring you. They may even try to entice you
into an argument, but as the parent, never take the bait.
You can help them get ready for changes by having a family
meeting to discuss your and Tanners concerns about how
theyre talking to one another.
In fact, having regularly-scheduled family meetings is a great
way to teach kids e!ective communication. It makes great
sense to have meetings where all of you can say how you feel
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and then get input and feedback from the leadership of
your family, you and Tanner.
To set up a family meeting, you could say to the kids when
they arrive home from school something like, After dinner
and meal clean-up, were going to all sit down together and
have a meeting as a family to talk about how things are going
around the house.
Once you begin having family meetings, your kids will get
used to them.
Q: I wouldnt know the "rst thing to do in a family meeting.
What should I say?
A: Remember that youre talking to your own family in the
meeting and your purpose is to teach all of your kids to
communicate more e!ectively, showing less negative
emotions and more problem-solving skills, right?
So, as a parent and leader in the meeting, "rst and foremost,
its necessary to speak without negativity and show a spirit of
we can solve any challenge together.
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Start the meeting by saying something like, Dad and I noticed
that the three of you have been arguing a lot lately. All the
arguing makes us feel upset and unhappy. So, we decided to
have this meeting to give you each a chance to say whats
bothering you so we can "gure out together how to have a
happier home. No interrupting or arguing is allowed. Each of
you gets a turn to talk.
Q: I like the way that sounds. Then what?
A: Address each child by name, asking them if theres
anything at all that has been bugging or bothering them.
Whats on your mind, Tasha? Is anything upsetting you thats
going on around the house?
The most di#cult part of these meetings tends to be
sitting back and really listening to your kids. But this is
your chance to model good listening skills. Your children
might say that a brother or sister gets to do more or have
more friends over than they do. Or they might mention that a
younger sibling keeps taking or breaking all their stu!.

During the meeting, keep your mind open and your mouth
closed, at least during the time your kids are sharing. Ensure
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that only one person talks at a time. Allowing a child to
interrupt another child while theyre speaking is a big no-no.
The key is to acknowledge each childs feelings as
important while teaching better ways to communicate.
After someone shares what theyre upset about, thank them
for sharing. You could even say something about how talking
and listening to each other like this is a lot nicer than arguing
with each other. Show non-emotional diplomacy and tact in
your responses.
You or Tanner can ask your kids something like, What are
some ways that we could solve this issue so neither of you is
upset? Look at each kid whos involved in the currently
discussed situation and say, Tasha, whats your idea about
how to solve this?
Q: Wow, I get it! In the meetings, were actually teaching them
how to problem-solve and communicate calmly with each
other to reach a helpful conclusion. Still, I cant imagine my
kids not getting into a knock-down, drag-out argument. What
will we do if that happens?
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A: Remember that you and Tanner are responsible for
setting the tone and boundaries for how family members will
conduct themselves during the meeting.
When your kids observe you talking in calm tones using an
appropriate voice volume and non-in"ammatory words
with them, over time, theyll learn to follow suit.
If one child uses an argumentative tone of voice or says
something to a sibling to possibly entice them into an
argument, remind that child calmly that their tone sounds
angry or frustrated and remind them to speak calmly and
respectfully to each other in the meeting.
Ask them to re-word what they said to begin the problem-
solving process. (That suggestion will likely be less e!ective
with the "ve-year-old who has yet to learn about solving
issues.)
Using feeling terms will help them to internally begin to
label their own feelings so they can then more e$ectively
communicate them to others.
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When your kids use appropriate words, voice, and body
language, avoid saying zingers to your kids like, There, now,
was that really so di$cult? as such comments remind them
of their negative way of communication rather than reinforce
the current, positive way theyre speaking.
Ensure you use your own body language and responses to
reinforce positive words and actions in your kids (not only
during family meetings, but at all times). Make eye contact
with them. Smile at them. Lean toward them. Pat them on the
back or give them a high "ve.
Show your kids that communicating appropriately will get
them much further than arguing.
Q: It all makes sense. How will I keep the kids on track during
the week to help them avoid reverting back to those ugly,
arguing behaviors?
A: Good question. Your best bet is to step in to one of their
arguments just long enough to say, Tasha, could you use a
calm tone of voice and think about what you want from Josh,
instead of yelling at him with an angry face? Then, Okay, that
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was better. What do you think, Josh? Can you help out your
sister?
Always reinforce your kids when they communicate well
and tone down negative feelings and words. Doing so is
monumentally more e!ective to encourage positive
communication than getting after them or scolding them for
negative talk.
Avoid giving attention for any arguing or negative behaviors, if
possible.
Q: Then its best to stay on the positive side of things and
avoid or ignore negative words and actions, unless Im
stepping in to help them problem-solve. Is that correct?
A: Yes, exactly. When you apply these suggestions
consistently over time, youll see that discouraging your kids
argumentative behaviors is possible and helpful to everyone
in your family. Stay focused on e!ective communication and
everyone in the house will relate better.
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