ROUGH

I strongly believe that there are multiple factors that distinguish me as a strong candidate
for admission into Carnegie Mellon University. Am I your typical applicant? No. Am I
unique? Yes. Will I justify that by simply expressing my true passion for Biological Sciences?
No. The fact is, over the years, I have developed so much as a person due to various
experiences that I believe my addition to the University would prove to be a beneficial one.
It goes without saying that I have a scientific temperament. I like to think critically and
logically. A science of any sort requires high levels of critical thinking. And that is a trait that
I hold on to firmly. As an IB student, I am required to write an Extended Essay on any
subject. Without a doubt, I chose to relate my research paper to science, and more
specifically, to the human body. I ended up investigating, experimenting and writing on the
mechanics of the cardiovascular system and the effects of diseases such as atherosclerosis
(which minimize the diameter of the various blood vessels) on the bloods flow rate,
pressure etc. The whole process of writing the Extended Essay was so amusing to me
because ever since I was young, I have aimed to get involved with research in order to
ultimately discover something that would prove to be very favorable to the scientific world.
It was almost like taking the first minor step towards my dream of being a successful
scientific researcher. The process itself was not a piece of cake. It took many skills to get
through. The major skill obviously is critical thinking. Analyzing the scientific information
and making sense out of it would not be possible if I did not have the ability to think
critically. And this is a major trait that I believe makes me stand out in comparison to other
candidates.
It was the 25
th
of April, 2011 when I made use of critical thinking without which I wouldnt
have been able to dodge the problem. The ringing of phones, chaotic orders to members of
staff from the stage manager and the continuous buzzing of the security guards walkie-
talkie all added to the cacophony of the chattering people who were waiting to be allowed
inside the building. One of the most important shows of the series of the Doha Debates was
to start in less than 20 minutes and here I was, the Head Usher, pacing around, trying to
establish contact with one of my ushers who unexpectedly was not showing up for the
night. I knew that it was my responsibility to make sure that all seven ushers were in place.
After the 8
th
call, I was finally convinced that the 7
th
usher was neither planning on picking
up the phone nor showing up that night. There were only 15 minutes left and I still was
missing one usher. Despite the frantic environment, I remained calm. The stage manager
came my way, taking long strides, and asked where my 7
th
usher was. Now I had 30 seconds
to decide what I was going to do. Going through all the different possibilities in my mind, I
ended up with the decision to upgrade one of the 6 ushers that were already there to one of
the more difficult jobs and then either call someone I knew who lived about 5 minutes away
and check if she could come over quickly or else I could ask one of the many students who
came as audience members to help out if interested. Luckily, the girl that lived 5 minutes
away came instantly and I assigned her to her job. But it is moments like these when critical
thinking is so vital to decision making and problem solving.
Another trait of mine that would prove to be very useful in the Biological Sciences program
is that I am innovative and inquisitive. In grade 10, which was my final year of IB, I took on a
very tough task as my Personal Project. Innovation and inquisitiveness, two characteristics
that come naturally to me, outshone themselves during this project as well. I ended up
getting a fully equipped science lab built in a technical school for the poor in a small village
in Pakistan. The whole project was decided, planned, managed and coordinated by myself
with minimal help from anyone else. I drew the layout of the lab, contacted a builder, got the
national Pakistani market checked for the most economical source for the equipment and
followed up with the construction by spending about an hour on the phone about 6 times a
week. It is possibly one of the largest projects I have ever managed to do. Yet my
innovative, perseverant and inquisitive traits kept me going as I successfully completed this
project on the 4
th
of February 2010. By the 5
th
of February, 2011, the science lab was in full
use by almost all students of the school.
Conducting an investigation on the mechanics of the cardiovascular system and then
writing a 4000 word research paper, critically thinking in the most intense situations and
coordinating the construction of a science lab doesnt tend to be on the Things I have
accomplished list of many candidates for admission to Carnegie Mellon. All my experience
along with my characteristics really distinguishes me from the rest of the crowd. Therefore,
I believe that I really have what it takes to not only benefit Carnegie Mellon when I hopefully
will discover a new theory in biology, but I also aim to help the whole scientific world.
FINAL
There are multiple factors that distinguish me as a strong candidate for admission into the
Biological Sciences program at Carnegie Mellon University. I have relevant experience to
this field on several levels: in the classroom, the lab and the community. I am an innovative
and critical thinker who welcomes leadership roles, no matter what the challenge.
As an IB student, I am required to write a 4000 word Extended Essay on a self-chosen
topic, and I chose the mechanics behind the cardiovascular system. When I tell people this,
they are shocked. Few students actually choose science for their extended essay, but it is
what gets me excited to work. My topic required me to experiment with different sized
tubes that act as different blood vessels, and I measured the quantities of things such as the
flow rate of water in these tubes and how they differ from one another. My experiments
took about a month to complete. Since I am still working on this essay, I now have to
process the raw data that I collected and then analyze my findings to come up with a
sensible and logical conclusion. However, the whole process of the research work is so
intriguing to me. I faced several challenges when gathering my data. Some factors in the
environment intervened in the accuracy of the experiment, creating random and systematic
errors. Nevertheless, all these difficulties that I faced actually helped me learn a lot. My
practical skills are now better than before and I believe I have enhanced my critical
thinking skills.
Another reason I am strong candidate is that I have had some practical experiences in the
biological field that taught me a lot and helped me realize how much I would enjoy pursuing
it as a career. I was lucky to spend some time last year in Hamad Medical Corporation as an
intern in the Department of Laboratory Medicine and Pathology. I did three-hour rotations
in specific sub-departments, such as Cytology, Microbiology, Immunology, and
Histopathology. I was exposed to biology where it really happens, not in a textbook, for the
first time. In addition to this internship, I have volunteered in the pediatric ward of Hamad
Hospital twice a week for the past six months. Spending an hour each day with young
children helped me learn about the hospital environment and helped me develop as a
person. One example of a patient who influenced me is a six-year-old boy named Fahd. He
has been under supervision since he was born. He is paralyzed almost completely and the
little pink hospital ward marks the boundaries of his world. Over the years, however, he has
learned to communicate by raising his eyebrows or twitching his bottom lip. Standing next
to his bed, with the constant beeping of machines, I felt deeply sympathetic. Fahd and others
like him inspire me with their courage and motivate me to excel so that one day my
research might make a positive impact on problems like theirs.
Serving the community is another important part of my life and defines me as a person. In
Grade 10, I was required to complete a Personal Project. I wanted to make my project
something that would make a significant difference in the lives of those less fortunate than
me. Through my aunt, who has always inspired me by her dedication to community
volunteer work, I found out that there was a technical school for the poor located in a small
village in Pakistan that was in need of a science lab. I decided that getting that science lab
built would be my project. An empty room already existed in the school building, so my job
was to get the science lab built inside. Since I was living in Doha, I had to coordinate
everything via my aunt who lived near the village. I spent a week making a layout design of
the lab. I had to consider the dimensions of the room, the requirements of an average school
science lab and what design would satisfy both practicality and efficiency. My plan was then
checked by a professional architect. Simultaneously, I had already started working on the
obstacle of funding. For three months, on almost every community get-together, I spent
time with the adults and talked to them about donating to my project. Although I did not get
nearly enough the first few days, gradually my persistence began to add up. After five
months, I had raised QR 12,484, which goes a long way in Pakistan. Once the funding was in
place the main issue was making sure that the laborers completed their tasks on time to say
on deadline . Following up with the construction required that I spend about an hour on the
phone, six times a week for eleven weeks. When the lab was finally available for use, I was
satisfied because I had helped give other students like me the possibility of studying the
subject that I love.
Apart from hands-on experience with biology, and being devoted to helping the community,
I also have experience with leadership which has developed my critical thinking ability. I
believe that being a leader is very important, so I strive to take on as many leadership roles
as I can. In January 2011, I became Head Usher for the Doha Debates. The countless
situations I encountered in which I had to make quick decisions really helped me develop as
a leader. On the 25
th
of April, 2011, one of the most important shows of the series of the
Doha Debates was about to start in less than 20 minutes. As Head Usher, I had to make sure
that all the ushers were in place and doing their jobs. And here I was trying to establish
contact with one of my ushers who unexpectedly was not showing up for the night. After the
8
th
call, I was finally convinced that the 7
th
usher was neither planning on picking up the
phone nor showing up that night. There were only 15 minutes left and I still was missing
one usher. Despite the frantic environment, I remained calm. The stage manager came my
way, taking long strides, and asked where my 7
th
usher was. Now I had 30 seconds to decide
what I was going to do. Going through all the different possibilities in my mind, I ended up
with the decision to upgrade one of the 6 ushers that were already there to one of the more
difficult jobs and then call someone I knew who lived about 5 minutes away and check if she
could come over quickly. Just in case that didnt work, I made a back-up plan; I would ask
one of the many students who came as audience members to help out if interested. Luckily,
the girl that lived 5 minutes away came instantly and I assigned her to the job. But it is
moments like these when critical thinking is so vital to decision making and problem
solving and at times like this is when your leadership is put to test.
I believe having been so involved in the classroom, the lab, and the community really makes
me a strong candidate for admission to Carnegie Mellon University. I am confident that I
have what it takes to make a positive impact on a university campus and I hope that it is at
CMU where I will prepare myself to achieve my goal of discovering a new theory in biology
that helps the whole scientific world. Thank you for your consideration.