How to persuade anyone to do anything (well, almost)

Copyright: Lee Warren 2012

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Basically, youre free to send this book to anyone, but please dont change it, charge money for it or forget who the author
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Contents
Introduction 3
Ham Pie 6
Trust 8
Rapport 10
Body Language 12
Goals 15
The Psychology of Persuasion 17
Specic Tactics of Persuasion 18
Asking for a Decision 22
Gaining Co-operation 24
Final Thoughts 26
About Invisible Advantage 27
Bibliography 28
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I ntroducti on
Persuasion is a catalyst for getting work done, for achieving an outcome you can't realize on your own. MBA courses,
leadership books, and executive education classes recognize the importance of persuasion, but they rarely teach it as a
practical art and, if they do, the focus is usually on formal presentations and PowerPoint. William Ellett.
The ability to persuade has never been more important. In an increasingly fast and digital age, we
need to make an impression quickly and, sometimes, forcefully. In business, being persuasive is
crucial if you want to carve out a good career- its essential when dealing with colleagues,
stakeholders and clients.
Think for a moment of what the world would be like if nobody was doing any persuading. Its not an
exaggeration to say that almost nothing would happen. Very little would be bought or sold, children
wouldnt go to school and no-one would go on dates! Persuading is one of the most important things
we do as human beings. Were doing it all the time, sometimes well and sometimes poorly. This e-
book is designed to help you become more effective as a persuader.
Everyone can become more persuasive. If youre already good, you can become excellent. If your
skills are poor, you can learn to improve. There are four main things to learn on the path to becoming
an outstanding persuader:
The Art of Listening (including visual observation),
The Use of the Body (including physical voice use, such as tone and pace)
The Art of Language (the skillful use of clear, compelling words to get a result)
The Art of Speedy Psychology (The ability to look at situations from other peoples point of view, to
get inside their heads and inuence them consciously)
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This book covers all four of these areas, but focuses mainly on the skills of language. There is a vast
and growing amount of literature on persuasion from Aristotle 2,300 years ago, through to recent
exciting academic experiments. However, a huge amount of writing about persuasion is nonsense.
Many books on persuasion are not much more than a collection of rather childish tricks that are
unusable in daily life. Equally, some of the academic studies, fascinating though they may be, are
often useless in terms of learning real-world skills.
This book is a summary of my own work with persuasion. For twenty years, Ive made a living as a
magician and psychological mind-reader. In order to pay my mortgage (and eat!), Ive had to engage
and persuade audiences and clients on a daily basis. Ive long had a passionate interest in how
persuasion works, and how to be better at it. Ive read as widely as possible in the eld and studied
everyone who could help me learn, from sales people, politicians and con-men (not always completely
distinct!) through to advertising gurus, performers and the weird worlds of psychics and tarot card
readers.
Ive set myself two tasks in the study of persuasion. One is to try and boil down all of the different
tactics that Ive seen into a few general rules, applicable to a wide variety of situations. The second is
to only take what is genuinely useable in real-world situations. Its very easy in learning about any kind
of psychology to become distracted by all the bizarre things that the human mind can do, but my
guiding question, when looking at all the techniques and stratagems has been:
Can I, and will I, use it?.
If the answer is yes, its probably in this book.
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Some caveats!
My mother once said If we all liked the same thing, supermarkets would be much smaller.. This book
is full of ideas, techniques and suggestions. Some of them youll be using already. Some of them will
be new to you, and some of them will seem strange at rst. Try them all, several times, in different
circumstances. Youll only know what works after youve tried it. Learning any new skill is a process,
rather than a one-off event, so take your time but commit yourself to practising regularly.
Also, I live by the rule practise what you preach. The techniques Im asking you to learn are woven
throughout the text. The previous paragraph uses one of them - when youve nished this e-book, re-
read it and see if you can spot it.
Lastly, this is an e-book guide, not a full book so youll nd lots of techniques here, but not much
discussion of the theory behind them. If youre intrigued by the ideas and want to nd out more,
theres a small bibliography at the end of the book, and you can always email me to nd out more.
Good luck with these idea - and do let me know how you get on - lee@invisible-advantage.com
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HAM PIE
If you only have time to read one section of this e-book, then this is the one to read! The acronym
Ham Pie sums up almost everything that you need to know about persuasion.
Ham stands for: Hearts and Minds
Hearts - All decisions are made emotionally and then justied rationally. We often dont like to think of
ourselves operating in that way, but its true! If you want to persuade someone to do something, or
buy something, or agree with something, then you have to connect with them emotionally. Get into
their world and nd out what makes them tick.
And...
Minds: - However, once youve won them emotionally, its also a good idea to provide reasons why
doing what you want would be a good thing. Our brains love patterns, and once weve decided
emotionally that we want to do or buy something, well grab at almost any proffered reason to justify
it.
Remember, thats always the order - Hearts and Minds.
Pie stands for: Pictures, Interest, Emotion.
Pictures: We tell ourselves stories about our life using pictures, stories and metaphors, and youll be
more persuasive if you learn to use that fact. Heres an obvious example - That coffees at 97
degrees is not as persuasive as That coffees steaming, youll burn your tongue and the roof of your
mouth. If youre trying to shift someones thinking - describe things to them in pictures. Use images
and metaphors to tell a new story to the person youre trying to convince. For example, describe
the bad consequences of something you want them not to do, and make an image-lled story about
what will happen if they do what you want them to do.
Heres a simple example from the world of sales, imagine a salesperson talking to a potential client:
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So, you cant stay with the IT set-up you have, because your systems are slow, clunky and
expensive, employees are becoming disgruntled and your competition are soaring away from you with
ease? Ok, theres a simple way we could begin, which would be to introduce a new, straightforward
system that would need minimal training to implement, meaning that staff will be happier and more
productive. Once weve got that underway, we can look at where we need to extend the project in
order to catch up with your competitors over the next six months.
This isnt the most elegant example, but you get the point, I hope. By creating some easy images in
their prospects mind, our imaginary salesperson has emphasised the problem, and made his solution
sound great. The potential buyer starts to want this easy to implement solution. NOW they can start
talking about the facts and gures - Hearts and Minds!
Interest: This point should be obvious, but we overlook it far too often. If youre going to persuade a
person, or group of people, your proposition, idea, service or product has to interest them. The theme
that runs throughout this e-book is that you have to see things from other peoples points of view if
youre going to be persuasive.
Challenge yourself in presentations, sales pitches and meetings - how will what Im about to say
interest the other person or people? Is this message targeted at them and their world?
Emotion: This is just a reminder that youre not using stories, images and interest for their own sake -
youre using them to engage the emotions of the person youre talking to. If they feel that they will be
better off emotionally by doing what you want, they will make a great effort to follow you.
Ham Pie is the bottom line version of How to Persuade Anybody to Do Anything, but there are lots
of other techniques and ways of thinking that will help you...
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Trust
Think of the three people in your life who you trust most. Create a picture of them in your minds eye.
Then think of how persuasive they are to you. Chances are, theyll be extremely persuasive. Theyd be
able to phone you in the middle of the night and ask you to help them, and youd jump to it. If they
even said to you Im going to ask you to do something, but I cant tell you why, will you just do it
please?, theres a high probability that youd at least consider complying with their wish.
We tend to think of persuasion as something mysterious and, perhaps, slightly sinister. As if its about
forcing people to do things theyd rather not do - thats not persuasion, thats coercion. The best
denition of persuasion I know is To win someone over by various means. If you set out with the aim
of winning someone over then youre both likely to feel good when you persuade the person and, in
the long term, you both trust each other more.
Heres a golden rule for persuasion - If someone trusts you, you can persuade them easily, but
if they dont trust you, you can never be truly persuasive.
How do I gain trust?
Long-term trust is outside the scope of this book (but basically its just a matter of keeping your word,
being kind and not gossiping too much), but you can gain short-term trust using these ideas:
1. Be an expert and/or use your authority (see page 18)
2. Mention weaknesses in your argument or position. This sounds like the wrong thing to do, but it
pays off. We naturally trust and respect people who see both sides of an argument, and we really
trust people who dont fear the weaknesses of their own position. The best time to mention a
weakness is just before your strongest point. Think of selling a house, which is more persuasive? -
A. Its true that the price is at the top of the market, and the roof needs repairing, but look at
this amazing garden, and its only two minutes walk from the tube.
B. Its only two minutes walk from the tube, and its got an amazing garden, but the price is at
the top of the market and the roof needs repairing.
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Can you hear that, for most people, sentence A would be more persuasive? Its partly because we
tend to believe the most recent things weve heard, and partly because we love to nd reasons for
things, so in the rst sentence, were given the bad news, but then a reason why that might be so,
and our brain thinks Aha! The price is high, but thats because it has a great garden.
By the way, thats why this book (and my talk) has the words Well, almost attached to the end. If the
book was called just How to persuade anyone to do anything. The claim would be too strong to be
believable. By adding well, almost. It lightens the tone, and sounds more realistic and credible.
3. Know who youre speaking to. This is so important. If you know who youre speaking to, then
your can tailor your message to them. If we feel that someone really gets us, then we tend to trust
them more. Equally, if youre in sales, you must do your homework and understand the business
challenges that your clients and potential clients face. If you do, and they see that you do, theyll trust
you more. When I work with salespeople, I always urge them to become trusted advisors by getting
to know their clients business.
4. Make your messages simple, clear and easy to remember. Its a fascinating fact that we tend
to trust simple, clear, memorable messages more than complicated, unmemorable ones, regardless
of the content. A stitch in time saves nine is a much simpler, more memorable and feels a more
trustworthy message than Plan for problems, and solve them as soon as possible, otherwise you
may nd that you create other, greater problems looking to the future, even though the information is
identical. If you attempt to persuade using lots of complex information, you are likely to fail, as the
other person will tune you out.
5. Build rapport. This is so important that the next section is devoted to it!
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Rapport
This section is particularly important when you have to be persuasive in one-to-one or small group
situations, and particularly when you dont know the other person, or people well.
Weve all had experiences where we just click with someone. We have a meeting, and within
minutes we feel relaxed and able to open up. Theres usually laughter, some shared vulnerabilities and
a sense that we have similar values. Have you noticed that, with people like this, you also feel quite a
lot of trust? If youre in a business context, you like the idea of working with them. In a personal
context, you feel like youd like to spend more time with this person and get to know them better.
This is the feeling when youre in rapport with someone. When it happens naturally, its great, but
when its absent it can be really tough getting someone to trust you.
The opposite of talking isnt listening, its waiting -Oscar Wilde
Rapport is often thought of as a mysterious, difcult thing, but actually almost all of us are good at it,
weve just become a little out of practice! Here are three simple ways to build rapport with someone
youve just met:
1. Smile. I know it sounds ridiculously simple, but you wouldnt believe how many people forget to do
it. You dont need lots of theory - we like people who smile. When was the last time you went to a
networking event hoping to meet someone who frowns a lot?
2. Listen to what people say. Its astonishing how many people mistake being interesting for talking
about myself. Often, when we rst meet people, we fail to pay attention to them, were too busy
thinking about, and talking about, ourselves. Think about these important points:
People who listen well, and carefully, are often more persuasive on both an emotional and
intellectual level
Listening is the key to understanding and learning what someone else is really thinking and feeling
By listening, you create a listener - if you talk, you just get talk back. Often when youre talking,
youre just giving someone a chance to stop listening to you, and think of reasons why you must be
wrong and/or boring.
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The more you listen, the more information you get. When we rst meet people, were really
assessing them, trying to nd something in common. Most of our So, what do you do? type of
questions are really attempts to ask What kind of person are you? Do I have anything in common
with you?
3. Ask questions - but not boring ones! If you want to build rapport with someone, ask interesting
questions. What makes an interesting question? I hear you think. Well, most people like to talk
about themselves, and everyone likes to talk about one of these four subjects - money, love,
health and leisure (sport, travel, hobbies, music) Everybody you ever meet will nd at least one of
those subjects interesting to talk about. So combine those themes with questions like:
What do you think about..? What would you do about...
Where do you think current trends are heading in..? How do you see...
What advice would you give..?
Youll notice that all of those questions are about the other person - its very tempting when selling,
networking, presenting, negotiating etc, to talk about yourself and your interests, but its probably only
you and your mother who really care about that - ask people questions about subjects that are
interesting to them and ask them to talk about things from their point of view.
Seek rst to understand, then to be understood - St Francis of Assisi
Remember that understanding someone is not the same as agreeing with them, but if you feel that
youve been listened to and, more importantly, understood by someone else, then you will trust that
person more.
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Body Language
I speak two languages - body and English -Mae West
Have you ever had that feeling that you just really liked someone as soon as you met them? Or the
feeling that, somehow, you just know that someone is lying to you?
All animals communicate, and long before language existed, human beings communicated. Almost all
of our important messages can be transmitted, to some extent, by the body. This is more important
than a traditional, simplistic understanding of body language. Our senses are continuously primed to
assess the movements, vocal tone and facial gestures of people near us. We make extremely quick,
and hard to shift, judgements about people and their messages based on these physical clues.
There are three main reasons why understanding the use of the body in persuasion is so important:
The messages transmitted by your own body are never neutral. They will always either reinforce
what youre communicating, or will detract from it. At best, your body language will mean that your
communication is consistent, persuasive and natural. At worst, it can mean that your messages
seem unclear, untrustworthy, or that you dont believe them yourself.
Tuning in to what is happening in your own body when youre in a dialogue with someone helps you
to understand the source of your own reactions. By understanding what your own body is telling
you, you can nd out if you are starting to react emotionally, if youve stopped listening, if you are
literally moving away from a source of conict, rather than dealing with it. Operating with this level of
awareness helps you to take a mental step back from a situation, which is to everyones benet!
Understanding your own body language enables you to read other people and their reactions more
easily. There are many subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) clues to what people are actually
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thinking and feeling transmitted through their body. Being able to observe puts you in a better
position to communicate well, It helps you to know when to change course in a conversation, to try
a different way of communicating with someone. You cant deal with a problem until you can
recognise it!
The body says what words cannot - Martha Graham
Practice
The best way to begin to practice is to people-watch and remember that watching yourself is also
people-watching!
Try to watch in these three situations:
When you cant hear what people are saying, but you can see them clearly. Try to guess what the
conversation is about - what are they communicating? Is it relaxed or urgent? Are the people
comfortable with each other or not? Are they on the same wavelength in terms of their physical
communication?
When you can hear what people are saying, but youre not at the heart of the conversation. Ask the
same questions as in the example above, but this time include vocal tone, pace and breathing in
your observations.
Lastly, a situation where youre heavily involved in the conversation - this means that you can start
observing yourself.
Im not a fan of books that tell you things like: When someone folds their arms, it means they
disagree. Were far too sophisticated at communicating for that, and no-one will be able to teach you
more than you can intelligently observe for yourself. Body language is best learnt in a specic training
situation, with several people, so that you can practise, but the next page has some basic things to
look out for, obviously not everyone is either/or, these are just ideas to stimulate your thinking:
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Posture, Poise and Balance Is someones poise easy and relaxed, or are
they tense? Are they leaning towards the person theyre
talking to or away?
Eye Contact Direct and comfortable, or evasive? Looking straight
ahead or down or up?
Gestures Deliberate, expansive and purposeful, or jerky and held
close to the body?
Speech Slow and clear, with full vocal tone or frequent changes
of pitch and speed?
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Setting Goals
If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. ~Lawrence J. Peter
Goals are extremely important in persuasion. The more important the communication is, the clearer
and better-prepared your goals need to be.
Goals will help you communicate more clearly and effectively, providing a step-by-step process for
moving a conversation, presentation or pitch from the beginning point to its end. A clear goal will
make it much easier for you to assess the success of a communication, both in the short, and long-
term.
Remember this sentence:
The meaning of a communication is the result that it gets
This sentence will help you to create workable goals for communicating well.
Clear goals are SMART:
Specic (Could you please prepare the report with at least four recommendations by Friday, so that I
may read it over the weekend?)
Measurable (Always ask yourself What would a successful result look like? Share the measurable
outcome with the person youre asking.)
Agreed-upon (Will they do it? Have you asked them to commit to it? Do they know that youre relying
on them? Can you let them know that other people know theyve agreed to it.)
Realistic (Is it within the person or teams power to do the thing youre asking, with the time youre
suggesting? If youre unsure, ask them)
Time-based (Will you be able to do this by 2pm on Wednesday? Ideally, you want to suggest
enough time to carry out the activity, but not so much that it gets lost. If you are being asked to do
something, then ask about time When do you expect me to do this)
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Proximate and ultimate goals
Distinguish between proximate goals and ultimate goals.
For example, a proximate goal might be I want this person to understand that Im too busy to do
their work too at the moment, but an ultimate goal would be I want to maintain a working
relationship with this person, while being rm about not taking on their work.
A hallmark of good ultimate goals is that they usually benet everyone involved in a situation, and are
long-term, whereas proximate goals tend to benet only you, and are short-term in nature.
Becoming a person who uses clear, effective, ultimate goals, based on listening and understanding
fully means that you become known as someone who is good at solving problems. You trust yourself
more in communicating, and you become more trustworthy in turn. Think about it - if you worked with
someone who always listened to you carefully, who understood the nature of your problems and then
gave you clear, precise ideas to move a project forward - wouldnt you think they were great?
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The Psychology of Persuasion
Basics
As George W Bush might have said Dont misunderestimate listening. It is much easier to inuence
someone if they feel that they have been genuinely heard and understood. If your idea is a good one,
then its to everyones benet that you are able to inuence them to see the idea from your point of
view. However, listening to someone fully may show you that theres merit in their ideas which you
hadnt previously recognised!
Almost paradoxically, the more you learn about inuence, the more ethical your behaviour becomes.
Because youre genuinely listening to people and tuning into their responses and your own, youre
raising your behaviour to a conscious level, and this helps you to make more informed choices. It also
means that you become more aware of how people are inuencing you.
Dont forget that listening involves observing body language - that of the person youre
communicating with, and your own!
Self-Image. All of us have a self-image, and we act in accordance with this. Most of us are woefully
inaccurate. In survey after survey asking people about positive character traits, such as sense of
humour, or honesty, 80% of people consider themselves better than average!
Basic Self-Image. Almost everyone considers themselves honest, trustworthy and reliable. Most
people view themselves as competent and loyal. If you want to encourage someone to do something,
then ask people to commit to that thing in a way that enhances their self-image. Create a situation
where, to not do that thing would create cognitive dissonance for them - the unsatisfying feeling that
the way they are behaving is different to the way they are. (See also Engage Commitment below).
the more public the commitment, the more likely they are to do it - can you get their commitment
afrmed in front of others, or make it a team project?
Re-afrm their commitment in line with their self-image: Thanks for helping me do this, its amazing
how many people make promises to help and then forget, not realising how much extra work it
creates for me...
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Specic Tactics of Inuence.
Become the other person. Imagine your suggestion/position/argument from the other persons
point of view. Ask yourself Whats in this for me?. This will show you the strengths and weaknesses
of your point of view quickly. For very important discussions and meetings, you can even ask a
colleague to role-play the situation with you and give you feedback.
Be an expert. If you have a reputation, or develop a reputation as an expert, your opinion will be
given more weight, not just in your own sphere of inuence, but others. That is why celebrities are
always drafted in to promote products. If youre likeable and attractive, then so much the better!
Safety in numbers. We are social, herd animals by instinct and will always prefer to follow the
crowd, unless theres a good reason not to. Find ways to use the herd instinct in your
communications. Everyone seems to think this is a good idea, but I thought Id ask you as well...
All of our competitors are using Google, I think we should look at it... Its a powerful means of
inuencing someones thinking. People are also strongly inuenced if they think that other people
just like them are doing something - Well, the last ve procurement directors Ive worked with
said...
Unique and Rare. Most of us want what we cannot have, and the rarer it is, the more we want it.
This principle is seen everywhere in marketing -from limited editions to Sale must end Tuesday.
Find a way to use this principle - Things become more attractive as they become less
available. Think particularly of time. The clearer you are about not taking on commitments and not
always being available, the more people crave your time and energy. Think also of rationing. Ive
fought hard to get this project, and we only have one chance to get it right otherwise it goes back to
Team B. Now, I need your thoughts...
Note:
Safety in numbers and Unique and rare may appear to contradict each other, but in fact it
seems there are two ways we determine value - if everyone wants something, it must be valuable,
and if something is rare is must be valuable. So, the two principles work together - if everyone
wants something, its likely to be rare and valuable.
Engage commitment. If the other person has agreed that they should do what you want them to,
then dont stop there - engage their commitment fully. Ask them to describe the process out
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loud. Let them know youre relying on them. If possible, let other people know that theyve agreed
to commit, and let the rst person know that other people know! Its for this reason that many diet
gurus insist on people telling their friends Im on a diet. Repeating a commitment out loud, and
repeating the commitment to people we know is a powerful means of changing behaviour. Where
appropriate, you can ask What would prevent you doing this? Describing their problems means
that they will already be visualising doing the task in their minds eye - a good rst step!
Limit Choice. With all types of people, it is best to limit the number of choices and the amount of
information you present, as far as is practically possible. There is a large amount of research in
psychology demonstrating that people like choice, but only up to a point. Presenting people with
more than ve to seven options seems to create confusion and indecisiveness. The more choices
you give someone, the more chances there are that theyll make a wrong decision and their brain
will protect them by saying I cant cope, let me think about it!. The ideal number of options seems
to be three, and the classic format is:

Very expensive/difcult/risky, but high reward

Reasonably expensive/difcult/risky, but reasonable reward

Cheap/fairly easy/low-risk, but low reward.

Scanning any restaurant wine list will provide you with some real-world evidence for this!
Shock and Awe. When you have an important message, sometimes presenting it in an unusual
way can help open peoples minds to what youre saying. For example, sales pitches with a
confusing or peculiar phrase can work. A famous piece of American research demonstrated that
when customers were told that a cake was $3, about 40% bought one. When they were told that a
cake was 300 pennies, which is a bargain, 80% bought one. Humour is a good way of interrupting
habitual thought patterns.
Anchor the discussion. Create an opening anchor around which the discussion can revolve. For
example, if you were asking someone to work for three hours more to help you on a project: Alone,
its going to take me somewhere between 7 and 10 hours to get this done. Can we talk about how
much time you can spare? Youve anchored the discussion in such a way that offering you just 25
minutes would seem ridiculous. Estate agents use this technique a lot.
Create Images. Our brains seem wired to respond well to images. By using visually-based
language and metaphors, youll encourage people to engage with you, emotionally as well as
intellectually. Use language that makes things real and tangible, for example, in the goal-setting
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section, we asked What would a successful result look like? This forces you to imagine the
situation and engenders a creative, active approach. Classic examples of this are I have a dream...
and We will ght them on the beaches...
Use stories, metaphors similes and analogies and be specic. Following on from the last
point, use these techniques to really bring your suggestions and ideas to life. The more specic you
can be, the more easily people can imagine the result. Charity campaigns are obvious examples of
this. Learning about the terrible life of one, named child in a country in crisis touches people much
more than hearing that thousands of children need help.
Emotion is your friend and your enemy. Remember that we rarely act entirely rationally, and are
all powerfully under the sway of our emotions. If you can engage someones emotions positively by
making them feel valued, listened to and appreciated, you will be more than half-way there. If their
emotional reaction to you or your idea is adverse, it will be very hard to win them over - even if you
are absolutely right!
Stick to the facts, and separate personality from the problem. For example, youre explaining
something difcult to someone and you may feel that your suggestion is not being considered
appropriately: I get the gist, now I just need to get on with my job, Im really busy. Sticking to the
facts means that you address the issue, not the personality: I understand that youre really busy,
but the fact is that its crucial that you understand this document and the implications. The
consequences of getting this wrong are serious. When will you have time to consider this fully?
Identify standards. Create, or appeal to, independent standards of fairness that you can both
agree to. Think of starting a sentence with Do you think its fair...? In the example above, someone
who is bullish by nature may reply: Ive told you, Ive got the gist, Im not stupid, now let me get on
with my work. Creating standards means that you keep the discussion as emotion-neutral as
possible. It is an essential part of my job to ensure that you understand this document and its
implications. If I do not do my job correctly, there are serious consequences for both of us, and the
company. Do you think its fair to ask me and the company to perform badly because you are
unable to create the time?
Call their bluff. This is not a tactic to be used lightly! However, there are times when the issue is
important enough to warrant it. Calling their bluff means identifying objective questions that can test
their claim. Ok, I understand that youve got the gist. Its extremely important that you understand
the consequences of this document, for yourself and for the company. I need to ask you some
questions to ensure that you understand this. It will take about ten minutes. Can you do that now, or
should we do it later? Obviously, you will need to nd the appropriate wording based on your
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relationship to the person, and the importance of the issue. However, well-deployed, you will only
need to use this tactic once with a difcult person!
Frame the discussion. Framing means changing the context in which someone perceives your
message and it is an excellent way to achieve your goals in persuasion. Everything that you present
to somebody will have a frame - learn to use it more consciously. For example: Lets agree that
we need to nd a solution and work out what the next steps might be... Is a good frame to use if
youre arguing about the outcome in a project. Neither of us want to lose money, or have to start
from scratch... is a great way to continue a negotiation.
Move to action. Wherever you are in a discussion, no matter how emotional, or stuck it may
seem, its always possible to ask the question what next?. For example: Whats the matter - dont
you trust me? Ill try and get the project started by Wednesday. Moving to action (combined with
identifying standards) means that your reply will be something like: Trust is not the issue. You know
that the project has to be nished by Friday, so lets discuss the best way to get it started and
establish a realistic series of steps to make sure it gets done.
Agreement. Find something, anything to agree with to move the conversation forward. This is an
excellent tactic to combine with move to action. So, if youre negotiating, and the person has just
(irrationally!) said: Thats twice our budget for this project. Youd start: Ok, we can agree that the
project is important enough to go ahead with. Lets look at which elements wed need to remove to
t in with your budget...
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Asking for a decision
If youre going to the trouble of inuencing people to agree with you, or act on your suggestions -
dont just leave it at inuence - ask for their commitment. Learn to spot when someone is ready to
decide something or commit to something and then ask them for it.
Verbal Clues that someone is ready to decide or commit:
Asking for more details and clarication and challenging you on this
Talking in terms of agreement - Yes, and we could...
Asking what next or what do customers normally do..?
Asking What if..?
Asking about cost or time Would this mean Id do it on Friday..?
Using I We
Body Language Clues:
Matching your postural pattern and vocal tone/speed
Relaxing, using more expansive gestures, leaning towards you
Making themselves comfortable when considering possibilities
Becoming less distracted/more focussed
Taking notes, or taking more notes than before
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Know when to stop talking!
Once someone agrees with you, anything further you say can only lessen the impact of what youve
done so far. So, learn to spot the signs of readiness to commit and then ask for the commitment:
Directly: Do you agree thats the best way to proceed..? Can you agree to..?
In Summary: So, weve agreed X and Y, can we now draw up the contract...?
Conditionally: So if I were to draft the project by Friday, could you take over the details by next
Tuesday?
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Gaining co-operation
Theres an excellent 4-step process to encourage people to co-operate with you. This is particularly
useful in situations where something has gone wrong for a customer or colleague, and you need their
goodwill in order to sort it out.
1. Establish Credibility (both in yourself and your system/company)
2. Tell them that youre not infallible
3. Ask them to work with you
4. Show them how it will be good for everyone to co-operate
An example will make the process clearer. Lets imagine that youre in a position where you have to
build and maintain good relationships with your companys client. An important client calls you and
says that theres been a serious problem with delivery of a good or service. It was late, and she didnt
like the result, and wants you to sort it out. Heres how you might use the four-part structure above to
respond:
Im sorry this has happened, obviously we do have systems in place to sort this out (establish
credibility) and Ill start by nding out why this went wrong straight after this call. We try our best, but
we do sometimes make a mistake (not infallible). So, what Id like to suggest is that I take from you
the important details of what you need right now (work with me) and Ill do my best to get everything
sorted out as quickly as possible. I really want you to be happy as my client, and I want to continue
doing business with you (good for both).
Reading scripts like this will always sound a bit clunky on the page, but memorise the four-step
structure and try it out every time you need to get co-operation and build credibility. It shouldnt take
more than 20-30 seconds to go through all four parts, and once youve practised it a bit, youll nd it
comes to you very easily.
Heres one more example:
A client feels that one of your companys salespeople have misled them about a deal and theyve
complained (this happened to an insurance company recently, over changes to policy documents
regarding possible drink-driving). So, you call: Hello, Im the Sales director, and Im calling as Ive just
received your complaint, (establish credibility) Im really sorry that youve had to complain, we have a
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lot of systems in place to make sure that our offerings are clear and fair, but, obviously, were not
infallible (yes, thats right - not infallible!) can you tell me, from your point of view, what exactly youve
think youve been misled about, and then Ill see what we can do to help you. (Work with me) youre
an important client for us, and we really want to continue working with you, so Ill do everything I can
to make sure that youre happy with us. (Good for both)
Dont underestimate this technique - a lot of our clients at Invisible Advantage say that they use it in
business almost every day!
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Final Thoughts
You now have everything you need in order to be more persuasive, and to get more of what you want
in ways that are consciously chosen and ethical.
As I mentioned at the beginning of the book, becoming more persuasive is a process, not a one-off
event. Take one or two of the techniques and try them out each week. Learning to persuade is like
any skill - playing the piano, or riding a bike. Youll be a bit stumbly at rst, but youll soon get the
hang of it. Once youve become more condent, youll be eager to try out many more of the
techniques in all sorts of situations - presentations, negotiations, social occasions, networking and
team work. Becoming more persuasive can help with so many things - you can become a better
leader, colleague and parent. You take more time to do the things you really want, or earn more
money. Whatever your goals are, being persuasive will help you to reach them.
As Ive asked you to engage hearts rst, then minds I should probably nish with a story. Except that
stories dont always have to be Once upon a time. Facts and gures can tell their own stories, and
everyone reading this will soon have their own stories to tell of how you became more persuasive.
Every time I work with someone on how to become more inspiring and persuasive, they tell me stories
about whats worked, and what hasnt. I make a not of these stories and, one day, I might make a
book out of them. So - tell me your stories! lee@invisible-advantage.com
I wish you great luck in your persuasive future!
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About Invisible Advantage
Based on a background of psychology, magic, theatre, business and cutting-edge educational
techniques, Invisible Advantages mission is to help business leaders and their teams achieve
their business goals by becoming better communicators.
Our seminars, talks and practical training sessions are all designed to help you re-think the way
that you communicate and work and learn solid skills to become more engaging and persuasive
in the business world.
We help with:
Business-to-business sales team effectiveness & new business development
Presentations, pitches and business-critical announcements
Networking and connecting
Integrating and improving communication across teams and departments
Our clients include Deloitte, HSBC, Ace European, AXA PPP, Logitech, ACE European, Visa
Europe, The International Chamber of Commerce, Morgan Stanley, Betfair, The Home Ofce
and The Foreign Ofce.
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Bibliography
Robert Cialdini: Inuence. The psychology of persua-
sion. 1984 Harper Collins
This is considered the classic work on persuasion. Its more
about how not to be persuaded, but there are still many
excellent ideas, and its a thought-provoking text.
Cialdini, Martin and Goldstein: Yes! 50 secrets from the
science of persuasion. 2007, Prole Books.
Another book from Cialdini, this one is a little lighter so,
while less convincing, is an easier read. Some good stories
make the points memorable.
Roy Lilley: Dealing with difcult people. 2002, Kogan
Page
A good book for those who have to work with difcult
colleagues or customers. Some useful ways of looking at
types of people.
Kevin Dutton: Flipnosis. 2010 Random House
Many repeats of Cialdinis research, but Dutton writes
well, and there are some great stories that help the ideas
stick.
Fisher and Ury: Getting to Yes. Negotiating an agree-
ment without giving in. 1981 Random House
The classic text on persuasion as applied to negotiating
agreements, and the origin of BATNA. Some of the tech-
niques are a little dated, but the thinking is way ahead of
its time.
Fisher and Shapiro: Building Agreement. Using emo-
tions as you negotiate. 2005 Random House
In the vein of Getting to Yes, Fisher and Shapiro deliver
techniques for persuading on an emotional level.
Malholtra and Bazerman: Negotiation Genius. 2007
Bantam Books.
Aiming to lift the process of negotiation to a more rational
level, they cover emotional reason why things go wrong
and what to do about it. A fascinating book that will inu-
ence the way you deal with colleagues and clients.
David Straker: Changing Minds 2008 www.syque.com
Probably the most comprehensive book on persuasion
techniques, but very, very dry. If you want to have a com-
plete reference at hand, this is the book for you, but if
youre looking for real-world techniques and memorable
stories, then pass on this one.
Ian Rowland: The Full Facts Book of Cold-Reading.
www.ianrowland.com
Cold-Reading is the psychological technique used by
psychics and tarot readers to seemingly tell you things
they couldnt possibly have known about you. Ians book
is the best primer on this subject, full of interesting stories
and techniques.
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