Upbringing is the moulding of personalities on desired lines.

Our society can be transformed with proper

upbringing of its population. The best period for the commencement for upbringing or training is the childhood.
The early years are the most impressionable period in the life of a person. At this delicate and responsible juncture
parents play a very crucial role. As parents we have so many expectations from our children and desire to see
many ideals in them. Parents are so attached to their children that they would rather sacrifice their own lives but
not see any harm to their children.

However much effort is required and the upbringing of small children is not an easy and simple task. It requires
deep thought of identification, knowledge, experience, determination and perseverance in parents. We cannot
expect our children to serve religion without inculcating values. Even in regards to materialistic things, if we want
to see our children at a lofty status, it requires efforts. One cannot become a millionaire in a day.

The feeling of possessing righteous children is great. But how is it possible? It is not going to happen accidentally
and we are required to work hard in order to model them in the mode which we want to see them.
There has been a lot of material written on this topic hence showing its importance. However it is unfortunate that
most parents are found ignorant in the art of upbringing children, resulting in a poor net output. After doing so
much work, why have we not succeeded in this field??

One of the most foundational and fundamental requirements in upbringing children is to work multidimensionally
and continuously (mustaqil). We cannot say that if we train our children from age one to ten years, we have
succeeded. A person can change for the worse even at the age of forty and become a corruption in society. If we
teach our children how to recite Namaaz and Quran, it does not mean that they are fully aware of Religion. We do
not know where they may slip up in the future.

Some valuable tips
1. Training from an early age is important. The later we start; obtaining a change and reformation will become
more difficult and possibly may not be as long lasting and sustainable. Training a child at an early age would
result in a longstanding change or a desired effect. Children do not require reformism but rather they require
guidance. There is no universal principle that if a person is corrupted in his early age, he will also be corrupted
in his youth; But if there is continual misguidance, then an evil personality can be developed which quite
apparently becomes very difficult to change(person becomes shaqi).
2. During the process of upbringing, the values instilled within the family unit have the capacity to change
society. On the other hand, the society also has the capacity to change family values and these may influence
the desired training. A trainer and teacher can bring about a change in both, the family and the society. The
best role model (uswatul hasana) one can find is the Holy Prophet (PBUH). Allah mentions in the Holy Quran:

{Surah Juma#2}
He (PBUH) has been regarded as a teacher. Even though He (PBUH) was a stranger within the locality, He (PBUH)
was able to influence the society. This shows that even if one is alien to a corrupt society, he can change and
reform the society by giving education to the people. In the same way, a child in his early years always considers
and requires role models for himself:
a) He makes his family his role models (his parents, brothers and sisters)
b) He may also make his present heroes (Eg Sportsman/woman, entertainment star or film star) his role
models. A child may in addition possibly make a religious authority his role model, such as a scholar
or a mystic based on the society in which the child resides.
c) A child has a close interaction with his teachers. Even though his teachers in most cases are not
chosen and verbally accepted, unknowingly their influence is very effective.

What is the Mechanism of Upbringing a child?
There is a material and spiritual aspect/dimension to this. It is natural that a child will be influenced more by a
teacher who is respected in the society rather than a teacher who is not. From a materialistic angle, a student will
be more influenced by a teacher who has a lofty position in society and who is well-dressed. Contrary to this, from
a spiritual angle, a student may also be inclined towards a teacher who is regarded as religious or spiritual.

Unfortunately the society that we live in today, does not allow a child to enjoy his childhood and brings forth the
bad qualities within them from a very early age. These have devastating effects on the society. Naturally (fitratan)
a child has a very clear and pure heart. He laughs when you smile; He fears you when you show him a frightening
face. However in these days the sincerity within children is diminishing at a very early age. Nowadays when
children tell the truth, they are taunted and scolded. If a child realizes that being corrupt in the society will bring
him respect, then he will try his level best to do this, thereby speaking lies in a professional manner. Parents should
invest all their efforts in order to preserve the trustworthiness and sincerity of children.

How does a teacher spiritually influence a student?
When he sees the quality of trustworthiness in his teacher, he is impressed. One of the first things we should work
towards is to teach our children Sadaqat (trustworthiness and sincerity within every action). This does not only
mean to speak the truth but also that they have sincerity within their hearts. One of the spiritual methods for the
upbringing of a child is that the teacher should prove to the child that he is sincere towards him. The reason for not
mentioning parents first is that it is well known, that parents are naturally sincere towards their children. Having
said this however, in some traditions it has been narrated amongst the signs of the last time/ aakhir ul zaman,
that a persons religion will be destructed more due to the influence of his household rather than because of
himself. He may not be greedy but his parents or wife may take him down that path.

In todays society do we not see parents who are not loyal and sincere to their children?
Unless and until a child sees sincerity, he will never be ready to accept what his parents and teachers say. A child
will give his parents the due respect when he sees the deep concern in them for his success and prosperity. Even
family relations can improve because of sincerity. We should never chose the wrong path if we have been
betrayed. This phenomenon is against the intellect of man. If we have been frauded or betrayed it does not mean
we also become fraudulent. In this way the bad norm will spread and the good people will also start becoming bad
and will step towards the wrong path.

During the time of the Holy Sixth Imam (AS), his servant used to hold his horse. At one time a trader offered his
position to him (trader from Nishapoor asked him to exchange jobs with him). He asked the Imam (AS) what to do?
Imam (AS) told him we will advise you something which is good for you. Although slaves didnt have a position in
the society, Imam (AS) advised him in the best manner. Likewise who ever approaches us we should also guide and
advise them whole heartedly with sincerity even if it is not in our favour. Eg : In business, if someone comes to buy
something from our shop and we do not have the item, do we have the common courtesy to say that this other
shop has what you are looking for - this sincerity has a lot of blessings and will bring an increase in sustenance.
When one has been allotted the responsibility of upbringing, he should be sincere towards it.

The effect of preaching by actions will always be more effective than preaching by the tongue. You may be blessed
to give a beautiful, eloquent sermon but without acting what you say, there is no desired effect. On occasions,
being silent and speaking less, has an effect on people behaviours. One has the capacity to change lives if they
themselves are an exhibitor of goodness.

Taking people near to God is the real task and is often difficult. This was the task of the Prophets and their
proximity to Allah was based on love and not on fear. Religion should form our personality and in this way we can
pass on the teachings of Religion. If religion is merely on our tongue, it is heedless in respect to others.
We may only be successful in teaching children certain good practices and obtaining good habits. People may start
praying or may start wearing hijab as a result of our recommendations. But religion is much deeper than this. It is
feeling the essence of Gods proximity and this is the key. People must gain proximity towards God along with
actions. The more we practice the more our words will be effective. Even in actions, the intention is essential.
Having pure intentions with sincerity (Ikhlaas) will be more effective because actions should be accomplished
merely to please Allah and attain his pleasure. At times we see, the action is small but the effect is large and vice
versa. Along with sincerity, respect goes hand in hand. Respecting Allah, his Prophets (PBUT), the Imams (AS) and
their orders is essential.

In traditions it is narrated that Knowledge is not something that is learnt by teaching and acquiring. It is a light
(noor), which is instilled by Allah (SWT) in whosoevers heart he wishes to! The Prophet was so merciful that he
wanted to guide every single person in the history of mankind. However it is important to analyze the tone in
which Allah tells the Prophet that you cannot guide anyone except who Allah wishes to guide. Allah says in the
Quran:

[Shakir 28:56] Surely you cannot guide whom you love, but Allah guides whom He pleases, and He
knows best the followers of the right way.

The Prophet (PBUH) wanted to guide even Abu sufyan and invested all his efforts, but because Allah did not will he
remained a disbeliever (kaafir). The Quran describes the Prophet as:

[Shakir 9:128] Certainly a Messenger has come to you from among yourselves; grievous to him is your falling into
distress, excessively solicitous respecting you; to the believers (he is) compassionate,

He desired to guide people but still there is a fixed standard and criteria that Allah SWT guides only who he
wishes. We need to learn from this principle that no matter how many efforts we dedicate in order to guide our
children, family, relatives and the society, we dont have the potential to change people unless Allah wishes. This
is a blessing from Allah, we can only try our level best after all the deficiencies we have. We dont have the power
to change hearts. When we deliver lectures, we dont influence hearts.

How do we tackle the aggressive nature of our children?
It is important to realize the real core reason for their aggression. It may be due to the childs nature; other times
due to the environment; And possibly the aggression may be as a result of some other problem. Not giving proper
attention to children may also build aggression within them. Doctors advise parents to avoid giving children extra
chocolates and drinks because they can make them hyperactive. We need to try and divert our childrens activities
towards prosperous activities which free their minds.

How strict can we be in upbringing children?
Being strict and rigid may result in more damage being caused and counteract our desire. More than likely we will
never achieve the goal for which we were strict about and rather other dangerous effects take place. The child
becomes rigid and stubborn. Even if being strict brings an apparent result, it will most certainly be temporary.

The form we see of our children is a result and a product of ourselves. They learn how to lie by observing us.
Therefore is it justice to scold them for the same mistakes that we are making?
We complain that our children our attached to the television and most of their day is spent watching cartoons. In
order to overcome this problem, we need to give them positive activities which bring them close to nature. It is us
who had neglected them and put them in front of the Television instead of paying attention to them. Now that
they are attached we need to blame ourselves. From the very early age, we should teach them how to reflect and
ponder over the creation of God so that they keep aside the artificial world and its temporary glamour. In our busy
lives we dont have time for our children and therefore cannot blame when they possess an attraction towards
media.

We need to save our children from going towards the wrong path. Every humans innate nature guides him
towards the right path because Allah has created a person in such a way. We force our soul towards the wrong
path otherwise by nature/instinct (fitratan) our setting has been made by God to walk on the right path.

The supplication we make for our children may divert their clear minds onto a different path. EG When we ask
Allah in front of our children to make them a wealthy or give them a high position, this thinking develops in their
minds and in the future they struggle for this very same cause. Likewise if we ask Allah in front of them to make
them amongst the soldiers of Imam e Zamana (AS) and to grant them martyrdom, they will try and spend their
lives in a way that they achieve this ambition. A child sets ideals based on what he sees in his parents. Knowing the
fact that sincerity plays a crucial role in the field of upbringing children, a question arises as to:

How do we build sincerity and how do we preserve it?
We should continuously keep examining the intentions behind our every action, i.e whether it is to please Allah or
not? At times when we do not like doing something, we should force ourselves towards it, if it results in Allahs
pleasure. We need to keep assessing ourselves. EG: If we like talking a lot, we should try and go against our
pleasure by talking less and eventually pleasing Allah. For the sake of God, we should leave many things. We need
to continuously keep sacrificing for His sake. It is not a one day process. We unremittingly need to seek the
Almightys help. Even in the old age there is no guarantee that a person might give away his pure sincerity which
he had for all his life. Hence there always needs a revival of pure intentions.

How do we counter the effects of the environment over our child?
We should try and select a good school for our children. We normally look at the building of the school and then
select it. If the building appears nice from the outside, we are easily impressed and without thinking, we send our
children there. If our criteria are superficial, the result will be superficial too and vice versa, if our criteria are based
on grounds of Islamic Teachings, we will succeed likewise. We normally respect those children who have a high
materialistic status in society and earn more. This is the wrong criteria which can lead to destruction. Whenever
we compromise on Godly values and build man-made criteria, we will certainly face disgrace as a result. For
instance if a youth selects a spouse only based on looks and disregards piety which is the real criteria, that beauty
may bite him later!

We should always remember that our children are not born to serve us - a wrong perception which most parents
have. They have been created by Allah to serve Islam and to reach perfection like us. Hence our perspective of
looking at our children must change and we should train them according to their mission and not according to our
personal desires and ambitions. Our children are not our personal property - they belong to Allah and
consequently they should be raised for His sake and also die on his Holy path! They should respect their parents
but they are not born to run their fathers business.

Martyr Mustafa Chamran (first defence minister of post-revolutionary Iran) because of his mission; in a span of 22
years, he only met his parents a few times. This did not mean that he did not take care of their rights. He had set
his priorities in accordance to his mission and knew his responsibilities. His parents also understood him very well
and supported him. He did a PHD in plasma physics at Barclays University in America. Thereafter he was offered a
job from NASA but left his field and went to Egypt in order to get training alongside other Palestinians in order to
fight Israel.
From there he went to Lebanon and accompanied the force of Musa Sadr. Musa sadr asked him to open a school
for orphans where he would be the principal. He remained as principal for 8 years and persisted in giving the
children technical training. Agha Musa Sadr told the person who brought Martyr Mustafa Chamran that he had
given him the best of gifts. Mustafa Chamrans wife narrates that when he got martyred, he did not leave any
possessions or inheritance except a few clothes. This personality shows the epitome of an ideal role model. He
never left his mission and was determined.

[Shakir 53:39] And that man shall have nothing but what he strives for-

These sorts of personalities did not appear from nowhere. They are products of this world just like us. The mothers
of such personalities are unique and they were trained in such a way that they sacrificed themselves in order to
save Islam. When their martyred bodies were given to their mothers, they would go into prostration thanking Allah
and asking him to accept their sacrifice. This is the real training and upbringing.

To summarise, Upbringing/ training requires 2 main aspects:
A) The building of ourselves so we are ideal role-models
B) Inculcating the Islamic values in to our children practically.

In this light, we pray that Almighty Allah (SWT) gives us the opportunity to build ourselves first in such a way that
we present ourselves in front of our children as practical role models and nourish the little pearls that they become
a capital for the religion of Islam!