My story which is now used in rape crisis training scheme.

It will soon be
available on NAPAC website raising awareness of the fact women can rape.

When rape isnt rape

We all are very clear as to what constitutes rape. We all think of a female victim
that has been forced to have penetrative sex by a male. We all think of a man who
has forced a woman in to sex and by forced sex we mainly think of it has forced
penetration to the vagina, but can also include the anus and the mouth. This is an
absolute horrendous crime to suffer and I am talking from experience.

From as young as I can remember I was raped by my own father, other male
relatives and was brought up in a pedophile ring and so was raped and abused
by multiple abusers. I grew up thinking rape was normal. It has been part of my
life ever since I can remember. I know when my brother was born, so when I was
3years and 10months I was being raped. When my mother went into labor with
my brother I remember hiding behind the cot because I didnt want to be found
by my dad. Sadly I was found and yes I was raped. That is probably my first
memorable rape. I was raped for 29 years by my father and other men. I have
moved 13 times to get away from my abusers and changed my name 3 times so I
can not be traced. I have developed PTSD and DID as a way of coping with
countless rapes spanning over 29 years. Now to everyone reading this they
would have no problem identifying I was raped. I certainly acknowledge myself I
was raped BUT when is rape not rape? When is sex without consent not rape?
This question should never ever be asked as if someone is forced and
pressurized in to sex and can not and does not give consent they are raped.

Now there has been times I have been raped but not raped if that makes sense.
The reason why I say this is because my own mother who I prefer to refer to as
my incubator raped me. I was her child. I was under 16 so legally I could not
consent to sex. This should mean that anyone who had sex with me while I was
under 16 was seen as raping me. My mother performed every sexual act on me
that a woman can perform on another woman. This means she touched me in
sexual ways. She performed oral sex on me and made me do the same to her. She
penetrated me with her fingers and with sex toys. Likewise I was made to do the
same to her. My mother also helped me by the way. Oh yes by pinning me down
so that other men could rape me was her way of helping me. It meant I was
unable to struggle or push anyone away and so by keeping me still it was
suppose to cause me less pain. Now this is the very woman who should of loved
me. The very woman who should of protected me from such horrendous abuse.
The women who I trusted the most in the world. Instead I wanted to make her
love me so did as I was told. I knew when she looked in to my eyes that she hated
me for simply existing. I never had a mother. In my opinion I was brought up by
a gang of male and female rapists.


Now as a 35 year old woman I should have the right to call my abuse what I like. I
do have that right but legally eventhough my mother had sex with me without
my consent she cant be charged with rape. Because she didnt have a real penis
she will never ever be charged with rape. Now I have to live with the legacy of
my abuse that impacts my life every day. I have huge problems with intimacy. I
find it difficult to trust men because of the rapes I endured but I also find it hard
to trust women because I know from first hand experience they can and do rape.
In a way I can live with the fact men raped me. We are taught at school that men
rape. That anyone including your father can sexually abuse you. Yes your told its
wrong but if you lived this life since you was at least 3 years old to you it is
normal. I have every right to call my father a rapist. I am absolutely sickened that
I dont have the right to call my mother a rapist. The law tells me my mother
didnt rape me. Rape crisis campaigns tell me my mother didnt rape me. Society
and its attitudes and beliefs tell me my mother didnt rape me. The police tell me
my mother didnt rape me. I was the one who had to endure my experiences
inflicted on me by dear mother and yet I do not even have the right to name my
experience. Legally I guess it would be called sexual assault. Society I guess
would call it sexual abuse. Any other person that wants to label my experience
has no right minimizes what I have been through. They have not lived through
what I have lived through at the hands of the very person who should have seen
me as the most perfect and precious person in the world. They do not have to
live with my memories of feeling like I was only good for sex by everyone in my
life. They do not have to live wondering what made my mother hate me so much.
They do not have to live with a body that has been damaged beyond repair
because of the abuse she has endured. They dont have to live with the fact they
will never have children of their own. Most of all they dont have to live with the
biggest betrayal of trust as the last person anyone thinks would sexually abuse
their child is a mother.

There is not a day that goes past that I dont think of my abuse. There is not a day
where I am not reminded that I am different from other people. I know other
people who have been abused but most have a healthy relationship with other
family members or have children of their own. I have no family whatsoever. I feel
alienated in so many ways and that is because I was raped by my own mother. It
is because to my mother I was simply a doll and a sex toy to be used at her
leisure. If I was just raped by my father I think I would find that easier to live
with. I may still have a relationship with my mother. I would be deemed a normal
stereotypical survivor. I would not have my experiences discredited by people
who quite frankly have no fucking right telling me what I have and havent
experienced. I am pleased that society can see a father can rape his own
daughter. I am happy that this angers people as these sub humans really are the
scum of the earth. I am very hurt and angry that people can not see that mothers
rape their own sons and daughters. My brother was also raped by my mum and
dad but I do not want to write his life story as I dont have his permission. Boys
are also raped though by men and women. Forced sex is rape. A woman can have
sex with other men and with other women, and sadly children even though she
does not have a penis. Would we say that every lesbian out there does not have
real sex because neither woman has a penis. Sex is not just the act of a penis
entering a vagina. There a several acts that can be classed as sex and when any of
these acts are forced by a woman it is not consensual sex and therefore it should
be seen as rape. If these sex acts take place with a child under 16 who can not
give consent it should be classed as rape. I should never feel like my rape wasnt
real. I should never have to feel that what I went through with my mother isnt as
bad as what I went through with my father. Emotionally its the worst thing I
have lived through. As a woman I can not understand why anyone would do such
sickening things to their daughter. I can not understand why my mother didnt
love me. I have to live with the fact that my mothers rapes were not as painful as
the rapes from my father and other men and so my body responded. To a young
child I thought this was a sign my mother finally loved me as she had made me
feel pleasure. This has just caused further damage harm and confusion.

Laws need to be changed so that all victims get justice. I will never ever get
justice for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons is because my rapist was a
woman. The law means a woman can not rape. This means I am silenced. It
means I do not even have the right to label what happened to me it is already
determined by others who can not imagine what I have suffered. I am invisible
when it comes to victims. I am a survivor but when it comes to the abuse I
suffered from my mother I do not exist. I am not a survivor because what I deem
as the truth I am told its not. I may as well be called a liar. I not only have to live
with my abuse and the shame pain and blame that causes but I also have to live
with society compounding my distorted views. How can I be a survivor when
what my mother did is not even seen as rape? How can I feel normal when I am
bombarded by rape crisis campaigns showing every possible scenario of rape
but not one where a woman man or child is raped by a woman? These campaigns
exclude me and yet the campaigners are ignorant to the damage they cause me
as to them people like me dont even exist. They tell me to keep quiet. They tell
me my experience was abuse not rape. They tell me women dont do that sort of
thing. They tell me rape by women is not as bad as rape by men because women
can not and are not charged with rape. Yes men get away with rape but at least
when they are arrested etc they are arrested for rape. My mother would be
arrested for sexual assault. Sexual assault is a lesser offence than rape and so this
tells me what happened was not that bad.

Well to be frank I couldnt give a toss what the law wants to stipulate. I dont care
for these campaigns. They are simply run by people who think they are acting in
the best interest of women but are actually scared to tackle the unspeakable and
the unbelievable. I am not scared to talk about the unthinkable, the
unimaginable, the unbearable, the unspeakable and the unbelievable. I cant not
afford to be scared because if I allowed the fear that controlled me for so long to
carry on controlling I wouldnt survive. I can not afford to be silent because I am
fully aware that silence allows abusers and rapists the biggest tool they need to
carry on. I will not allow others the power to keep me quiet and allow their
campaigns to focus on stereotypical victims. I exist. My experience was real. I
lived it and I get to name it. Yes I was raped. Yes I lived through it. Yes I still
suffer the aftermath but my mother no longer has the right to control me. She no
longer has the right to rape me. To me staying silent is allowing her to rape me
all over again because my silence allows people to think it didnt happen and
doesnt happen. I know it did. My mother knows it did and we both have to live
with our conscience. Mine is a lot clearer than hers. To me no woman deserves to
be raped. Given the fact I am called a liar every day simply because society is
ignorant a taste of her own medicine may just help her realize what agony she
inflicted on me. Seeing as the legal system will forever let me down maybe the
only punishment for her would be if she happens to fall victim to rape. She would
become one of the 1/3 women who are raped and to be honest I would smile to
myself. Justice finally done because she has suffered like I have. She cant be
charged with her crime so maybe in this one case what goes around comes
around. I should love my mother but I hate her. She is the only person I would
wish rape upon. No two wrongs dont make a right but there should never be a
case where rape is not rape and no victim should feel powerless and unable to
name her experience for what it was.

So is there a case when rape isnt rape. To one brave survivor no. She suffered it,
she endured it, she has survived it but most importantly she has herself named
her experience. Everyone who tries to tell her she wasnt raped is condoning
rape and silencing others. I will never be silenced. I hope others are just as brave
and strong and tell their stories. These campaigns silence people who have been
raped by women. It means they dont come forward. That means because
survivors dont come forward society and the people behind these campaigns
can go on living with the comfortable idea that women dont rape. We continue
to fight for womens right and for women to be safe but at what price? By telling
survivors they dont matter and by telling women yes you deserve equal rights
but not equal responsibilities when they do wrong. I want a equal system for
everyone where every survivor of rape gets justice and every rapist regardless of
gender gets punishment. That is one reason I set up
http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/55331. I have also written the
following documents highlighting men two can be victims.

http://twitdoc.com/view.asp?id=111990&sid=2EEU&ext=DOCX&lcl=Men.docx&
usr=MaleAbuseHelp&doc=177251489&key=key-1ho7cc308thzeq0socp9 and

http://twitdoc.com/view.asp?id=110012&sid=2CVW&ext=DOCX&lcl=Male-
Abuse.docx&usr=MaleAbuseHelp&doc=172258313&key=key-
89p0feuo4xyp23bwd9i