Reflecting Content

Goal
To draw out more of the persons story by showing that you are listening.
Tips
Repeat back to the person the facts that they have just shared.
Summarize long stories.
Dont assume you understand the storymissing the main point can lead to
confusion for both of you.
Dont add !uestions" commentary" or suggestions.
#ractice reflecting content in your daily conversations at home and work.
Takeaway
$ou know youve done a good job reflecting when the person provides you with
additional information.
Example
Person %& have so much on my plate. & have a huge project due tomorrow" and my in'laws are
coming over this weekend.(
Listener %$ou have a big project to work on" and your in'laws are coming.(
Person %$eah" the project wouldnt be such a big deal" if my in'laws werent coming too.
)ow & have to clean the house and entertain them" while worrying about my project.(
Reflecting Emotion
Goal
To help persons e*amine and articulate their emotions" while showing them that you care
about their feelings.
Tips
+isten for key words.
Repeat back e*pressed emotions.
+isten for underlying emotion and tentatively suggest a word to label it.
&ts okay if you label emotions incorrectly.
Takeaway
+abeling emotions helps the person e*amine his or her emotions.
Example 1
Person %,y husband never takes out the garbage when & ask him to" and he grumbles when
he finally does take it out- &m so frustrated with him-(
Listener %$oure frustrated with your husband.(
Person %$es" &m so frustrated with him- &t wouldnt kill him to help out a little.(
Example 2
Person %,y mom keeps calling me to help her. +ike" every day. & have my own life to live-(
Listener %&t sounds like you are feeling
frustrated with your mom.(
Person %& dont know if &d say &m frustrated. &m more angry with her for being so demanding.(
Asking Questions
Goal
To guide the conversation to the pertinent issues and to clarify the persons meaning.
Benefts
.elps you to understand the persons e*perience on another level.
.elps the person e*plore his or her motives.
/uides the person to greater understanding.
0ocuses the conversation.
Tips
/ood !uestions go beyond asking for more details of a story.
1sk open'ended !uestions.
Dont ask too many !uestions.
2hen someone is vague or nonspecific" ask for clarification rather than make
assumptions.
1sk !uestions such as the following3
o .ow would you like her to respond4
o 2hat is the most important thing you want him to understand4
o 2hat needs to change4
o 2hat do you like about this situation4
o 2hat is the worst'case scenario4
Takeaway
1llow the deeper issues guide your !uestions rather than the content.
Example 1
Person %& think &ll talk to my son about his girlfriend. 2hen he was younger" he really
looked to me to guide him" and & guess &ve been too scared to confront him in recent years.
5ut & feel really strongly about this situation" and &m his dad" after all.(
Listener %2hat is the best'case scenario when you think about how your son will react4(
Person %& guess he could listen to me and hear me out. ,aybe he will see my perspective and
reconsider this relationship.(
Listener %2hat would be his worst reaction4(
Person %2ell" he could get really angry and do the opposite of what & want him to do. .e is
pretty stubborn" so thats a real possibility. 5ut & think & can handle that. 6ven if he gets
angry" & will have done my best to get through to him.(
Example 2
Person %& cant believe & overate again- & was doing so well this whole week" and & ruined it
completely. &m a failure" & just need to face it. Talking to my e* didnt help.(
Listener %$ou feel frustrated at this failure. 5ut youve also lost a lot of weight over the past
few months. 2hat do you think about these two facts4(
Person %2ell" & guess & have done pretty good to have lost as much weight as & have. ,aybe
failure isnt the right word.(
Self Evaluation
Goal
To determine your strengths and weaknesses in listening to others.
Tips
1void giving advice 7 easy to move from helpful challenges to hurtful criticisms.
1void making assumptions 7 can lead to difficulties connecting with the person.
+isten for comments that are confusing8 unclear and ask !uestions to clarify.
1void judgmental thoughts by understanding that the person is likely making the
best decision that they can in their particular situation.
Do not try to convert the person to your religion or belief system 7 9 :ups of Tea
emphasizes active listening.
Takeaway
:ontinually try to improve your listening skills.
Example
Person %/race is ready to get her drivers license. &m worried about my daughter on the
road" driving around. There are so many crazy drivers out there-(
Listener %$oure worried about /race being on the road.( ;good< vs %2hy wont you let
your daughter get her license4( ;assumption<
Person %& am- & dont know what &m going to do when she gets her license.(
Listener %2hen will she get her license4(
Person %Shell be able to get it within the month. 6ven though &m letting her go ahead and
get her license" & know &m going to be worried constantly.(
Exercise
6valuate your listening abilities by using the following chart.
.ave a close friend or family member look over the chart and give you their
evaluation.
High-Level Skills
Remembers important events and asks about them in following
conversations
+istens to understand what the other person is saying
1sks !uestions instead of making assumptions
Reflects persons emotions ;i.e." responds with sympathy when
the person is e*pressing sorrow" responds with joy to happy
situations<
Basic-Level Skills
0re!uently uses %backchannels( ;%mmhmm"( %yes"( %=>"( etc.<
1sks follow'up !uestions throughout the conversation
Net!al "onve!sational Skills
Does not interrupt
+istens to the person
Does not use hurtful or insulting language
#oo! "onve!sational Skills
&njects personal opinions ;without being invited to do so<
&nterrupts fre!uently
Redirects conversation to talk about self
+oses focus