10 Ways Men and Women

Communicate Differently
by Susan Sherwood, Ph.D.


For men and women, communication can be a very long drive, using different roads --
often to get to the same place.
It's the middle of the day during a long drive. He's sitting at the wheel, cruising along.
She's sitting in the passenger seat, reading, glancing up now and then at the passing
scenery. Suddenly, she turns to him and cries, "Talk to me!"
She's not stir crazy; he's not ignoring her. They're just living the classic divide in
communication between men and women. She's more discussion-oriented; he's all
action. One reason for these differences stems from the way relationships develop
during childhood.
Girls' friendships focus on making connections -- talk is essential to this process.
Sharing secrets, relating experiences, revealing problems and discussing options are
essential during girls' development. Boys generally take another approach to
friendship. Their camaraderie is not less profound; it's just different. Buddy groups
tend to be larger, focusing on activities rather than conversation.
This differentiation in youth leads to dissimilar communication styles in adulthood.
Women communicate through dialogue, discussing emotions, choices and problems.
Males remain action-oriented -- the goal of communication is to achieve something.
Research indicates that these are the general, even common, tendencies of men and
women, but these divides are not absolute. There are certainly men who want to chat
about their feelings and women who quickly tire of discourse. But one way to classify
male-female interactions is to examine them through the lens of childhood: talk versus
deeds. With that in mind, here is a list of 10 ways that (most) men and women
communicate differently and how these differences affect their interactions

10. Nonverbal Communication


Fingers tapping. Eyes squinting. Legs crossing. Hands fluttering. Heads nodding.
Nonverbal communication involves varying levels of body expression, with women
usually functioning at high intensity. Faces are animated and hands are in motion,
often touching others. Men are more conservative in facial movement and body
contact. However, they do tend to be unreserved in sitting styles: sprawling, stretching
and spreading out. The intensity level for women drops for the sitting position -- they
tend to draw in, keeping arms and legs close to their bodies.
How does nonverbal communication impact male and female communication?
Women's actions focus on maintaining the relationship: providing attention and
encouraging participation. The goal for men, however, depends upon the task. Want
to appear in charge? Use the body to control the discussion space. Want to preserve
calm and prevent emotional escalation? Keep the face quiet and impassive
9. Body Orientation
Picture this: It's happy hour after work. On one side of the room, there's a group of
women, deep in conversation. Their chairs are all turned toward each other, and they
continually make eye contact. On the other side of the room, there's a group of four
men. They sit at angles to each other. During much of their discussion, their eyes
roam around the room, glancing at each other infrequently. Each cluster is engaged in
its preferred style of talk. It's great for tonight, but when group members are engaged
with the other gender these preferences may cause problems.
One specific aspect of nonverbal communication is body orientation. If a man won't
make eye contact or face his female conversational partner, she (perceiving
conversation as integral to relationships) may interpret this as a lack of interest. He
may become annoyed that she is rejecting his efforts; to him, his relaxed body
position is actually helping him concentrate. The vast differences in physical
alignment can make it difficult for talkers to reconcile the two styles
10 Ways Men and Women
Communicate Differently
8. Arguments


Women often use questions in an argument. It's how they present their opposition.
Men are more likely to take the simple, direct approach.
"Why do we have to eat here?"
"It's convenient."
"Are there any quieter restaurants nearby?"
"Not close by."
"I wonder if this place has been inspected lately?"
"Let's go in."
In a nutshell, that conversation snippet summarizes each gender's argumentation style.
Women often try to get their point across by asking many types of questions: defiant,
informational and rhetorical. The questions are designed to present an opposition or
gather data. Men's contributions to arguments are often simple and direct. They're so
straightforward, in contrast to women's questions, that men might not even realize that
a conflict is occurring.
When, finally, both parties realize they are disagreeing, their communication styles
have great impact. Men are concerned with being right and less concerned about
anyone else's feelings. This perceived lack of compassion upsets women. Men dislike
questions, interpreting them as censure, and they react by closing down emotionally.
This pattern leads women to become increasingly suspicious and wary. Time to go to
separate corners [source: Booher, Whitworth].

7. Apologizing
"I'm sorry I made such a big deal about which restaurant to go to."
"Uh-huh."
"It doesn't really matter."
"Uh-uh."
"We've both had long days; we just need a good meal."
"Uh-huh."
"Do you want to eat by yourself tonight?!"
"Huh?"
After the argument comes the apology. Maybe. You might suspect that women and
men handle apologies differently, and you'd be right. Women use apologies to try to
create or maintain connections. Men, on the other hand, are concerned with what an
apology might do: It might lower them to a subordinate position, a place where
they've never wanted to be since boyhood.
After a male-female quarrel, gender differences can prolong negative feelings. If a
man fears losing power and avoids apologizing, a woman might consider this
insensitive behavior, becoming offended and annoyed. Thus the argument continues
[source: Tannen].
6. Giving Compliments


Well, if the apology doesn't go well, maybe a compliment is in order. But that path is
also tricky.
Scene: A dog park. Several owners are there with their pets. One woman is there with
her new golden retriever. A conversation ensues:
Airedale owner (woman): "Oh, your lab is so adorable. What a lovely coat!"
Golden owner (woman): "Thanks. Your boy is very sweet, too." (To a man standing
nearby, watching his beagle.) "What do you think of my little girl here?"
Man: "Hmm looks a little on the small side. How old is she?"
Once again, gender variations are making things difficult. From a young age, females
learn to give compliments; it's almost reflexive. Compliments are a way of reaching
out to one another, an offer of affirmation and inclusion. Men are more likely to
volunteer evaluations instead of hand out compliments. Similarly, they will not seek
out compliments because they want to avoid being critiqued themselves.
Naturally, these differing approaches complicate communication. If a woman asks a
question with the hope of being praised or flattered, a man may well see it as a way to
offer advice. This affects their relative power: The advice-giver is automatically
shifted to a higher position, with the woman having lower status [source: Tannen].
5. Problem Solving

Jupiterimages
A dead car can lead to lively discussions between men and women. Their approaches
to problem solving are likely to be different -- women want to examine the situation,
but men might already be out the door to the dealership.
The car died. Again. It's time to buy a new car. He suggests a slightly used car
because cars depreciate quickly. She says she'd like to ask her friends how they like
their cars. He wants to look at car reviews on-line. She's worried about the car
payment. He offers to go right then to a few dealerships. She relates a story about the
first time she bought a car and how exciting it had been. He declares he wants to look
at hybrids.
This is not problem solving at its finest but at its most common. Men and women
approach an analytical discussion differently. As just illustrated, men tend to focus on
facts and seek immediate resolutions; action is the conversational goal. Women desire
more extensive talk about problems, sharing feelings and finding common
experiences.
Even if there's a mutual dilemma to resolve, such diverse communication goals can
lead to frustration. Men don't understand why women don't want to solve problems,
why they seem ungrateful for direct help. Women are hurt by the perceived disregard
for emotions and frustrated when they believe they are being pushed to acquiesce too
quickly [source: Torppa].

4. Getting Your Way

"Where should we go for vacation?"
"I want to go to the ocean."
"Really? What do you think of the mountains? Don't you think they're beautiful this
time of year?"
"Yeah, but I'd like to do some fishing and sailing."
"You like hiking, don't you? Why don't we do some mountain biking, too?"
"Yeah, whatever."
Looks like there might be separate vacations this year. Men and women have very
different ways of trying to get what they want, which can make it difficult to come to
an agreement. Women are typically in conversation mode; they are more likely to ask
questions. Their goal is to get others to acquiesce through agreement. Men often
interpret this approach as manipulation. They will make statements rather than
suggestions. Their objective is to get their way directly and quickly. If that doesn't
work, they'll exit the discussion; they may either be angry or simply less passionate
about the subject.
These discussions, then, often do not go smoothly. Men are resentful, believing
women are trying to trick them. If men won't participate in back and forth
negotiations, women feel slighted. This could easily turn into an argument-something
that no one intended [source: Tannen].
3. Chatterbox
Who talks more, men or women? Take into consideration all interactions during the
day, with family, work, friends and businesses. Would you guess women are more
loquacious? A lot of people would. And a lot of people would be wrong.
Research indicates that there is no significant difference between women and men in
the amount of words spoken, although, when they do talk, men tend to use more
words at a time. The major difference appears to be when men and women do their
talking. Women spend more talking time with family and close friends, expressing
support and discussing experiences. Men tend to talk more at work and in formal and
social settings, and their goal is the exchange of information, even when conversing
with a buddy.
At home, women do talk more and become perturbed with less responsive partners.
Women try to work on their relationships, while men see little need to speak unless
there is a specific purpose -- a problem to solve, a decision to make [source: Tannen].

2. Interrupting
"Where are the bandages? I cut my-"
"Huh?"
"I was working on the-"
"Ooh, it's bleeding a lot."
"I know, that's why-"
"Here are the bandages. Do you want-"
"I'll do it."
"I could-"
"What are we doing for dinner?"
Most people dislike being interrupted, but most people do it at one time or another.
Women interrupt to show concern, but they think men disrupt the discussion by
shifting the subject. Men do try to control the conversation by disrupting it. They also
believe a woman's supportive interjections (for example, "go on") are interruptions.
Frequent interruptions, no matter the cause, no matter the target, can lead to
frustration. This can build to anger and, unless the guilty party gets things under
control, the discussion will come to a screeching halt. Or perhaps just screeching
[source: Cowie].

E-mail

iStockphoto
Men might wish to come off as experts in some of their emails, while women tend to
write more supportive, less aggressive communications.
E-mail. So helpful, convenient and quick. E-mail. So overused, annoying and
redundant. It's also pervasive. A 2009 study found 1.4 billion people worldwide use e-
mail, sending 247 billion messages daily [source: Radicati]. Due to the enormous
number of e-mails sent, it's perhaps not surprising that the tone of most messages is
conversational, with little attempt to revise that pattern. Mistakes occur in spoken
language, and they also turn up in e-mail.
Most of the e-mail women send revolves around relationships: being supportive,
making suggestions, apologizing, asking questions and offering thanks.
Men's e-mail messages are very different. Not only do men more often portray
themselves as subject experts, but they have a more contentious interaction style,
employing sarcasm, profanity and insults. Men may be looking for information from
others through e-mail, but they are also seeking influence and respect.
Communication, whether non-verbal, verbal or typed into a computer, is open to
interpretation. That is especially true when men and women are evaluating each other.
Awareness of variability in communication styles can be the difference between an
effective, fulfilling conversation and a distressing upsetting, prolonged argument
[source: Rosetti].


Nurture
How much nature versus nurture affects human intelligence is a long-studied and
long-debated topic. The term "nature" refers to how genetics and heritability influence
our intelligence, and "nurture" describes how certain environmental factors affect our
intelligence. These factors include everything from our family's parenting style and
home environment to how we're educated and the experiences we have throughout
our lives.