Esquire - November 2014 USA

AVAI L ABLE AT RALPH L AUREN STORES, RALPHL AUREN.
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AND THE FI NEST EYEWEAR AND SUNGL ASS BOUTI QUES
AVAILABLE AT MACYS AND MACYS.COM
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The Endless Summer 50th Anniversary Art Exhibition, presented by Art
Seen, Esquire and Bruce Brown Films, received overwhelming support
at the opening night celebration as over 500 guests attended the event
in Venice Beach, CA. The arts, lm and surf communities came together
to celebrate the lms half-century mark and iconic poster. Renowned
artists John Van Hamersveld, James Verbicky, Ellwood Risk, Laddie
John Dill, Dev N Gosha, Ryan Snow, Miguel Osuna, Brad Howe and
Claudio Santini exhibited paintings, photography and sculpture inspired
by the lm. Guests mingled with the noted artists and enjoyed specialty
cocktails by Cutty Sark Scotch Whisky, Cutty Sark Prohibition and Brugal
Extra Dry Rum.
For more information about The Endless Summer 50th Anniversary Art
Exhibition, please visit www.laartseen.com
Top to Bottom, Legendary artist and creator of The Endless Summer poster John
Van Hamersveld; Art patrons Alexandra and Scott Anthony; VIP Guests enjoying
The Endless Summer 50th Anniversary Art Exhibition; Guests enjoying Cutty Sark
Scotch specialty cocktails; The Endless Summer 50th Anniversary Art Exhibition,
Lamborghini styled by artist James Verbicky; Endless artwork by James Verbicky;
Artist John Van Hamersveld and Art Seen Founder and Curator Leonardo Ledesma.
SPIRITS PARTNERS:
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EVENTS + PROMOTI ONS
PROMOTI ON
17
CONTENTS
NOVEMBER 201 4 VOL. 1 62 NO. 4
{ continued on page 20 }
ADDITIONALLY...
AN INSANELY
BRISK WALKING TOUR
Many writers fall in love
with the subject while inter-
viewing the Sexiest Woman
Alive (page 124). Chris Jones
fell in love with the location.
Below is his guide to the city,
for those with a half hour
to spend.
Arrive at [1] Atocha train
station. Take a minutejust
oneto admire its soaring
steel-and-glass construc-
tion. Also, it has an indoor
jungle. Thats awesome!
Run across the Ronda de
Atocha to the [2] Reina So-
a, Madrids beautiful mod-
ern-art museum. Ignore the
stupid lightbulb installation
and dash upstairs to see Pi-
painting says so much about
Spain and its history. Very
moving! Then head back
outside and up the road to a
diner called [4] El Brillante.
Order a bocadillo de cala-
mares and an ice-cold draft
beer. Youll get it in 90 sec-
onds. Oh God, thats good!
But take it to go, because
the giant [5] Parque del
PAGE
143
HOW TO FIX IT
We convened four leg-
endary congressional
leadersthe Commis-
sion to Fix Congress
and charged them to
come up with a plan.
BY RICHARD
DORMENT
PAGE
136
OUR LIVES ARE HELL
What has gone wrong?
A candid conversation
with 90 members
of Congress.
BY MARK WARREN
PAGE
150
IF NOT HILLARY, WHO?
The problem for
Democrats.
BY CHARLES P.
PIERCE
PAGE
156
AIKEN FOR CONGRESS
The minute I
sing, Im a punchline.
Im Lance Bass running
for Congress.
BY ALLISON GLOCK
PAGE
118
WHAT IVE LEARNED:
TONY BENNETT
Im eighty-eight
I have an awful
lot to learn.
INTERVIEWED BY
CAL FUSSMAN
PAGE
162
ESQUIRE STYLE
Four up-and-coming
directors show
off the best new top-
coats for winter
and how to wear them.
PAGE
124
THE SEXIEST
WOMAN ALIVE
. . . is Penlope
Cruz. But first,
the bullfights.
BY CHRIS JONES
ON THE COVER: PENLOPE CRUZ PHOTOGRAPHED EXCLUSIVELY FOR ESQUIRE BY NICO. BATHING SUIT BY MOEVA SWIM. NECKLACE BY RUBY STELLA. STYLING BY
LYSA COOPER FOR BRYDGES MACKINNEY. HAIR AND MAKEUP BY PABLO IGLESIAS FOR TALENTS. MANICURE BY LUCERO HURTADO. PROP STYLING BY GABRIEL ESCMEZ.
1
2
4
5
C O N T I N U E D
3
C O N G R E S S :
T H E E S Q U I R E
P R O F I L E
20 E S QU I R E N OV E MB E R 2 0 1 4
CONTENTS
VOL. 1 62 NO. 4
NOVE MBE R 2 01 4
{ continued from page 17 }
THIS WAY IN
The 27-Minute Tour of
Madrid 17
How to Throw
a Salon 20
The Ombudswoman 22
PAGE
37
ESQ&A
Taylor Swift talks
about New York living,
the Nashville work
ethic, and the binder
full of men who have
threatened to kill,
kidnap, or marry her.
PAGE
42
MAHB: BOOKS
Intimate looks at
Aretha and the
Killer. And turns out
Neil Young is
really passionate
about cars.
PAGE
60
THE PORTFOLIO
Water is the new oil.
BY KEN KURSON
PAGE
64
MAHB: TECH
Stop listening to
shitty audio.
PAGE
69
STYLE: WHY WE WEAR
WATCHES
Fourteen reasons.
And timepieces
to go with each one.
PAGE
46
MAHB: FILM
Hollywood takes
us to space so NASA
doesnt have to.
PAGE
80
THE ESQUIRE
GROOMING AWARDS
For three different
species of man.
PAGE
88
STEPHEN MARCHE . . .
laments the death of
youthful rebellion.
PAGE
178
THIS WAY OUT
Openly gay athletes:
An investigative survey.
BY ROBERT
SCHEFFLER
Retiro is just across Paseo
del Prado. Its so serene!
Then haul back to [1] Atocha
for your next trainmaybe
the high-speed AVE bound
for Barcelona, because
youve just done Madrid.
In 27 minutes!
THE FASTIDIOUS MANS
GUIDE TO APPROPRIATELY
SWEET TEA
about his sweet iced tea. Be-
low, a North Carolina
congressional candidates
recipe for the drink.
> Ask the waitress for sweet
iced tea.
> Sip, wince, and announce,
I like my tea sweet, but
this one is curling my hair.
Kindly ask waitress for
tea that is half sweetened,
half unsweetened.
> Upon realizing the tea is
not sweet enough, mitigate
sweetness of rst glass of tea
by adding water.
> Upon realizing tea is
watered down, kindly make
more precise request: three
quarters sweetened, one
quarter unsweetened, lots
of ice.
> Ask if the waitress spit in
the drink.
FOR YOUR NEXT SALON
Alexander Smalls, the co-
owner of the Best New Res-
taurant in America, is fa-
mous for his Harlem salons.
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Want to see the Madrid walking tour on a map? Weve got you covered. Scan here with Esquire2.
93
THE 2014 AMERICAN FOOD & DRINK AWARDS
Americas Best New Restaurants.
Plus, the best new burger and jerky and
breakfast meat and whiskey.
PAGE
48
MAHB: DRINKING
Make cocktails like
a bartender.
PAGE
56
FUNNY JOKE FROM A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
BY DANAI GURIRA
PAGE
58
SEX
Will poppers make you
enjoy sex more?
C O N T I N U E D
C O N T I N U E D
vw.com
*2012 Passat shown. Your experience will vary and depends on many factors, including driving habits and vehicle maintenance/repairs. Global calculation of total vehicles
with over 100,000 miles per brand based on Wolfram Alpha (www.wolframalpha.com) average-mileage-per-year data and IHS Automotive: Polk global registrations of 2001
models and older in 49 countries, as of November 2013. 2014 Volkswagen of America, Inc.
When you have a family, cross-town becomes the new cross-country. But that doesnt mean the Volkswagen
Passat isnt equipped for adventure. Quite the contrary, itll help you navigate the greatest adventure of all,
parenthood. Host more pick-ups and drop-offs than most taxis, daily commutes, and countless late-night
pizza runs. And with Volkswagen having more vehicles on the road with over 100,000 miles than any other
brand*, its no wonder why so many families choose to grow up in a Passat. Its built to go the distance, even if
the distance never strays far from home. Thats the Power of German Engineering.
Its driven enough miles to cross the country dozens of times.
Without ever leaving its zip code.
NOVE MBE R 2 01 4
THE INDEX
POSSI BLE TOPI CS OF NOTE FOR THOSE I NTERESTED I N POLI TI CS
Abortion ............................................. 24, 26
Ambivalence ............................................ 88
Black-tie events ........................................87
Clubs, country...........................................87
Clubs, private ............................................87
Losing connection with human beings .. 40
Losing self-awareness .............................. 41
Death threats ........................................... 40
El Presidente............................................ 48
Gunshow ................................................ 104
Hunger Games ................................... 88, 90
Ivy Leagues .............................................. 90
Maddow, Rachel ...................................... 22
My God is better than yours. .............. 118
NASA ........................................................ 46
Rebellion ........................................... 88, 90
Sex ............................................................ 58
Wasp aristocracy ..................................... 90
RACHEL MADDOW:
THE ESQUIRE
OMBUDSWOMAN
He shared a few party tips:
1. TAKE YOUR INVITATIONS
SERIOUSLY. A dinner party is a
recipe, and youre the master
chef. Every person you in-
vite is a avor prole,
and you have to know how
they all go together.
2. I TELL EVERYONE IM HAVING A
SIT-DOWN DINNER PARTY. This
way no one brings extra
guests. I want my friends at
my party. You can introduce
your friends at your party.
3. WELCOME EVERY GUEST. You
set the tone for their expe-
rience when you open the
door. What you say gives
them the condence theyll
carry into the party. An-
nounce their arrival to the
crowdtheyre whole in
that moment.
4. ALWAYS LEAVE SOMETHING ON
THE TABLE. Its better to feel
like you didnt cover ev-
ery person and topic, so
you dont feel like you con-
sumed everythingand so
you can say, Its a shame.
We were just getting start-
ed. But really, its time you
get the hell out of here.
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We asked the MSNBC host and cocktail
enthusiast to weigh in on this issue.
ESQ&A: TAYLOR SWIFT (PAGE 37)
The writing in the Dossier sidebar is snappy
and great. Writing and editing like that really
works only in magazines; its perfect.
THE WAY TO MAKE DRINKS (PAGE 48)
If David Wondrich could drill this article
into all of our heads, America would drink
so much better. I am a shamefaced cobbler-
shaker user (the kind with the integrated
strainer and the pitiful little cap). His direc-
tions on how to break the vacuum seal on
two tins make me feel like I could make the
leap to adult shaking. Thank you, Esquire.
I know its meant to be technical, but the
description of stirring is dirtyin a good
way. I cut it out and folded it into my wallet.
THE SEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE (PAGE 124)
Someday in the distant future, an alien
sociologist will write about the early 21st
century as a time when men in the increas-
ingly overweight nation of America sold
each other elaborate fantasies about skinny
women eating fattening food. I was very
disappointed to get to the end of this porn
and find out Paris Hilton had not, in fact,
washed my car.
HOW TO FIX CONGRESS NOW (PAGE 143)
As political science, this is fun, but as soci-
ology its hilariousparticularly your sense
of wonder at finding points of agreement
among five old, rich, powerful white guys
who all love politics!
Number 19 is my favorite. In many places,
the primary is the real race and the general
election is irrelevant. A national primary day
would goose turnout and get more atten-
tion on those racesgreat for both parties.
My dapper MSNBC colleague Lawrence
ODonnell has never worn a billowing shirt
in his life. Correction or apology, please.
IF NOT HILLARY, WHO? (PAGE 150)
Charles P. Pierce is a golden god. Running
it through their own silent hubris! Kudos
for crediting Dean 04 as the forerunner of
Obama 08. Thats spot-on. Clinton does
not look like a baked-apple doll. Youre
mean for running that smashed-against-
the-glass picture that makes her look like
she does.
But good choice of an article topic. The
If not Hillary, who? question is the one
thing related to my job that my friends who
dont care about politics ask me about. The
best answer to your question isnt here,
thoughits the conservative Dem from
Missouri, Claire McCaskill. She would win
if she ran, and Im not sure thats true of
anyone else mentioned in the article, in-
cluding Clinton.
CLAY AIKEN DOESNT SING ANYMORE (PAGE 156)
I felt the same way as everyone about Aiken
running for Congress. (A struggle his cam-
paign team dubs WTF mountainthat is
so good.) But then I watched his Why Im
Running video and I was gobsmacked.
Great candidate. This gushing profile has
the same efect. The only thing I dont get
is why a guy so lovable would want to run
for Congress specifically. I want him to win
something; I just think that winning a seat
in Congress isnt much of a prize for some-
one whom you want to have a good life.
C O N T I N U E D
The Cecil, New York.
NOVE MBE R 2 01 4
THOUGHTS ON BRAVERY
In September, we called
Dr. Willie Parker the Brav-
est Man in Mississippi for
traveling into the state every
month to perform the abor-
tions that no other Missis-
sippi doctor will. We received
thousands of responses.
Check out the story on
Esquire.com and contribute
to the conversation.
In his letter, Granger calls
for civil discourse regard-
ing a difcult and sensitive
subject, and in the next sen-
tence tags all who are pro-
life as those who would
murder abortion doctors.
Further irony is found in the
publishing of such a strong
pro-abortion stance on the
heels of an entire edition
dedicated to fatherhood.
Responsibility for ones off-
spring begins with where
one puts his pecker. Infan-
ticide is not responsible fa-
therhood. But all this pales
compared with the over-
all irony of calling a man
who extinguishes the lives
of defenseless babies the
Bravest Man in Mississip-
pi. I doubt youre brave
enough to print this.
DAI N SPORE
PASTOR OF KAUAI
CHRI STI AN FELLOWSHI P
Koloa, Hawaii
Its rare to read about a
Christian who is not op-
posed to abortion, yet
Parkers care for patients
represents Christ-like com-
passion. As a male pastor,
I helped women deal with
pregnancies they knew
were not safe or wise for
them. I came to understand
that the decision to abort
was often fraught with great
turmoil. I saw it as a part of
my role to avoid adding to
their despair by condemn-
ing them. Helping people
experience Gods grace and
forgiveness are primary ele-
ments of the Christian faith.
We live in a society that
respects science as well as
faith. There are many gray
T H E U S E R S G U I D E T O
CHRONOGRAPHS
To accompany our Users Guide to Watches (page 69),
we ofer an excerpt from The Biggest Black Book Ever
(esquire.com/blackbook, $25), a collection of the best
life and style advice from 13 issues of Esquires biannual
luxury style manual, The Big Black Book.
Things a
Man Should
Time with a
Chronograph:
His morning
commute. How
long it takes to
run a mile. How
long it takes to
soft-boil an egg.
The guitar solo
in Free Bird.
Things a Man
Should Never
Time with a
Chronograph:
An interview for
a job. A talking-
to from his wifes
mother. His
performance in
the bedroom.
Religious cere-
monies. Brunch.
D
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THE SOUND &
THE FURY
C O N T I N U E D
THEESQUIRENETWORKdebuts
Weekend Fix (Wednesdays
at 10:00 P.M.) in October. In
each episode, actor Omar
Benson Miller and Five Four
Club designer Andres Izqui-
eta travel to a new city on the
fly, finding new experiences
by turning to social media
instead of guidebooks.
Here are a few tricks they
learned along the way:
1. Book tickets on Wednes-
day. Its the cheapest airfare
day of the week.
2. If you book last-min-
ute, you can get bet-
ter hotel prices. You can
usually find a four- or five-
star hotel in the $200
to $250 range; just use
the Hotel Tonight app.
3. Other necessary
apps: Uber, Yelp, Yahoo
Weather, Kayak, WhatsApp,
OpenTable, Airbnb,
TaskRabbit, and Sosh.
4. Hire a local taxi driver
to give you a quick tour of
the sights and sounds of
the city. They usually cut
through the BS and tell you
things about the city that
a tour guide may notgiv-
ing you both the good and
the bad.
5. Take a cooking class.
These are often in some-
ones home. There is
no better way to learn a
citys culture.
6. Check Chow.com, where
hardcore foodies talk about
the best food in their cities.
7. Search hashtags. If peo-
ple are willing to share
or post a specific place,
you can assume its worth
checking out. Of course,
Twitter and Instagram are
great for finding out if you
have any friends in the
area. If you dont, theres
always Tinder.
Stream the Esquire Network
on the iPhone 6 Plus.
Haspel, the brand known for inventing and popularizing the seersucker suit, made a
powerful Fashion Week debut at Esquires private venue in Tribeca, New York City, in
September. Each of the ten looks that were unveiled as part of their Spring/Summer
2015 collection introduced a fun, new take on the summer uniform with playful hints
of Southern charm and attitude.
TO DISCOVER MORE ABOUT HASPEL, VISIT HASPEL.COM
PROMOTION
BEHIND THE SCENES
Jockey provided the underpinnings
for each outfit as part of their
Supporting Greatness campaign
all models wore low rise underwear
as well as slim fit t-shirts. Two of
the t-shirts were a featured part
of the overall looks showcased
that evening.
MEET THE DESIGNERS
Haspel President & CEO, Laurie
Haspel Aronson (center), brought
on designers Jef Halmos (left)
and Sam Shipley (right) in 2013
to evolve the 105-year-old brand
into the next generation by
mixing modern details with cues
from the brands heritage.
THE NEW SUMMER UNIFORM
Part retrospective, part reinvention, Haspel continues to
stretch its iconic suit beyond its lawn party past to ofer a
clean, modern vision of the famed puckered cotton.
PRESENTED BY
FASHION WEEK
FOCUS ON
R E V I E W
NOVE MBE R 2 01 4
Frank A. Bennack, Jr.
EXECUTIVE VICE CHAIRMAN
HEARST MAGAZI NES DI VI SI ON
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PRESIDENT &
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PUBLISHING DIRECTOR
Gilbert C. Maurer Mark F. Miller
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ethical choices that are nev-
er clearly right. I hope Dr.
Parker and other abortion-
care providers will be able
to continue working so that
women who choose this
path will heal and grow and
even come to know peace.
REVEREND
JI M FRI EDRI CH
San Jose, Calif.
MESSING WITH THE
CLASSICS
In The United States of
Sandwiches (September),
we provided modern takes
on regional favorites. A few
readers deemed this sacri-
lege. Okay, just the ones
from Philly.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
may be e-mailed to editor@
esquire.com. Include your
full name and address.
Letters may be edited for
length and clarity.
A B R I E F H I S T O RY O F
THE DIRECTOR-FASHION
RELATIONSHIP
Time was when the greatest directors were also the most
stylish. Unfortunately, theres a disturbing frumpiness
trend in filmmaking. Thats why were celebrating well-
dressed up-and-coming directors in this months fashion
F
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I am horried by your rec-
ipe for my beloved Phila-
delphia cheesesteak. Open
face, Boursin cheese, ank
steak, and cilantro? People
make a pilgrimage to South
Philly to pay homage to the
cheesesteak: thinly sliced
rib-eye steak fried and lay-
ered on a fresh long roll
and slathered with cheese
and fried onions. The next
time you want to write an
article on a cherished icon,
you should stay close to
home and offer a recipe
for the famed New York
cheesecake that uses Lim-
burger cheese or one for the
Coney Island that uses tur-
key kielbasa.
ROBERT ALLS
Primos, Pa.
Keaton, B.
Jackson, P.
Scorsese, M.
Spielberg, S.
Coppola, F. F.
1 920 2020
ADVICE FROM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Surprisingly, Danai Gurira from The Walking Dead happens to be an expert on zombies, and she
wants you to know why theyre better than vampires. Hear her case by using the Esquire iPad app,
going to esquire.com/gurira, or scanning here with the Esquire2 app.
A SHOW WE
DISCOVERED WHILE
WORKING ON
THIS ISSUE
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NOVEMBER 201 4
Man at His Best
I NSI DE: Chris Jones on space movies, new books on Aretha, Neil, and Jerry Lee, and how to make drinks like a bartender. Also: A drink.
C O N T I N U E D
ESQ&A
Raab meets the singer-
songwriter for breakfast in
downtown Manhattan a few
days before her massive-
hit single Shake It Of is
released. Shes coming
from a promotional photo
shoot for it, and after break-
fast shell head to L.A. to
rehearse for the Video
Music Awards later this
afternoon. Her publicity
manager and two body-
guards are seated at a table
nearby. For Swift: scrambled
eggs, no cofee.
SCOTT RAAB: Its 8:30 A.M.
and youve already been
working for two hours?
TAYLOR SWIFT: We were at
the Empire State Building
because were shooting for
the livestream on Monday.
There will be a wide helicop-
ter camera shot on the
Empire State Building, and I
will be up on the top platform
waving. Its so exciting to
unveil who youve been for
the last two years. My life
has changed drastically in
the last year and a half.
SR: Musically?
Geographically?
TS: Everything. I never
thought Id live in New York,
because I thought Id be
too overwhelmed by how
busy and bright and
crazy the city is. Then all of
a sudden, this year, all I
wanted to do was live in New
York. I never thought I
would be so happy being
completely unattached to
anyone romantically.
SR: Why do you think theres
so much attention paid to
Taylor Swift
BY SCOT T RAAB
Watch, listen, share, and morescan any page with the free Esquire2 app.
ESQ&A
At the MTV Video Music Awards in August, performing her single Shake It Of.
C O N T I N U E D
your dating habits?
TS: I think with every celebri-
ty story there has to be a
Yeah, but... Take Beyonc:
Shes incredibly talented,
gorgeous, perfect role
model for girls, empowering
women all over the world.
Yeah, but...lets try to pick
at her marriage. I think
that every celebrity has that.
And predominantly
women, unfortunately.
SR: Youre judged constantly.
Your private life is clickbait.
TS: I would date someone,
figure out we werent com-
patible or figure out we didnt
work out, and then wed
break up. That seems like a
very normal thing for a young
20-something to do, and
that is my biggest scandal. I
think its healthy for everyone
to go a few years without
dating, just because you
need to get to know who
you are. And Ive done more
thinking and examining and
figuring out how to cope
with things on my own than
I would have if I had been
focusing on someone elses
emotions and someone
elses schedule. Its been
really good.
SR: I think I was watching an
Ellen clipit might have been
Chelsea Handlerand shes
teasing you, and at one point
you said, No one listens to
me! And it wasnt that you
were that aggravated, but it
we turn on when we are out
doing an interview or pro-
moting something or waking
up at six in the morning for
hair and makeup. I think if
that pressure came from oth-
er people, I would feel very
weighed down by it. But the
pressure comes from me,
so I cant really say anything
about it, because Im the one
saying to myself, You have
to make a better album than
you made last time. There is
no other option. Otherwise,
dont make an album.
SR: I know that you have an
infrastructure with family
and all that, but do you ever
feel like its a runaway train?
TS: No. The only thing I cant
control is the spin in the
press. And so if I know I cant
control that, I have to let it
go. In some ways, though,
you can control it. I really
didnt like the whole serial-
dater thing. I thought it was a
really sexist angle on my life.
And so I just stopped dat-
ing people, because it meant
a lot to me to set the record
straightthat I do not need
some guy around in order to
get inspiration, in order to
make a great record, in or-
der to live my life, in order to
feel okay about myself. And I
wanted to show my fans the
same thing.
SR: You have your own jet?
TS: Yeah, isnt that crazy?
SR: You still do the
stuck in my head because I
think thats true: No ones ac-
tually paying attention to the
human there.
TS: It doesnt seem like a
possibility at this point in
my life. What does seem
possible and easy and com-
fortable is having this entire
league of incredible girl-
friends that I have. And I can
trust them, and the reason
I know I can trust them is
because nothing true about
me is being written in the
press right now.
SR: You knew what your pas-
sion was early. It must take an
incredible amount of energy
to sustain that passion.
TS: Im very busy, and Im
tired a lot. I was talking to
[songwriter-producer]
Ryan Tedder about this the
other day, because were
both equal left- and right-
brain people. So theres part
of our brain that we shut of
when were in the studio.
Theres part of our brain that
Date of birth:
December 13, 1989
Which makes her: 24
Hometown:
Wyomissing, Penn-
sylvania, a sleepy
town an hour north-
west of Philly,
population 10,500
How the nice people
at Wyomissing Bor-
ough Hall answered
the question So,
whats there to do in
Wyomissing?
Hmmm...
Cats: TwoMeredith
(named after Ellen
Pompeos character
on Greys Anatomy)
and Olivia (after
Mariska Hargitays on
Law & Order: SVU)
Age when she
signed her first
songwriting con-
tract: 14
Albums sold since
then: More than
30 million
Grammys: Seven
Twitter followers:
About 44 million
Which is: About a
million more than
the population of
Argentina
Moment that
crowned her a bona
fide celebrity: Kanye
Wests infamous
interruption of her
2009 VMA accep-
tance speech
Which prompted:
President Obama to
call West a jackass
And also: Estab-
lished Ima let you
finish as a lasting
cultural meme
Famous ex-boy-
friends and the
songs they allegedly
inspired: John Mayer
(Dear John),
Harry Styles (I Knew
You Were Trouble),
Jake Gyllenhaal
(We Are Never
Ever Getting Back
Together)
Famous girlfriends
in her League of
Incredible Girl-
friends: Girls cre-
ator Lena Dunham,
singer Lorde,
actor Emma Stone,
actor-model Jaime
King, and models
Karlie Kloss and
Lily Aldridge
Her sense of humor,
according to vari-
ous sources: Quiet-
ly ironic (The New
Yorker), dry, ready
(New York maga-
zine), sick (Emma
Stone)
Recurring charac-
ters in her comedic
repertoire: Dorky,
braces-clad teenag-
ers (SNLs Driving
PSA skit; The To-
night Shows Ew!)
and white-girl rap-
pers (music videos
for Thug Story, fea-
turing T-Pain, and
Shake It Off)
Appearances in
Esquire, prior to this
one: TwoOctober
2013 in What Taylor
Swift Is Doing to
the Women and
November 2012 as a
Woman We Love
When she called
us: Cool and slick.
Sharp, even.
THE ESQUIRE DOSSIER
TAYLOR SWIFT
C O N T I N U E D
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41
ESQ&A
get asked for an autograph,
and I will get asked for a
picture, and there will be
someone with their cell
phone filming me at a restau-
rant. If Im not in the mood
for that, I just kind of stay in.
And thats fine. Those days
dont happen very often.
I try really hard to keep it
light. Joy, enthusiasm, excite-
mentthose are sort of my
chief attributes.
SR: I read that you finished
two years of high school in
12 months.
TS: That was just the most
practical way to do it.
SR: But not everyone could
do it.
TS: My parents were very
strict about education and
hard work, from the time
my brother and I were really
little kids.
SR: You and your family
lived on a Christmas-tree
farm? Thats a unique place
to grow up.
TS: It was such a weird place
to grow up. But it has ce-
mented in me this unnatural
level of excitement about
fall and then the holiday sea-
son. My friends are so sick
of me talking about autumn
coming. Theyre like, What
are you, an elf?
SR: Who took care of the
tree business?
TS: My dad.
SR: I thought he was a Merrill
Lynch guy.
TS: Hed tend to the farm as
his hobby. Hed get up four
hours early to go mow the
fields on his tractor. We all
had jobs. Mine was picking
the praying-mantis pods of
of the trees, collecting them
so that the bugs wouldnt
hatch inside peoples houses.
SR: How old were you?
TS: From five to ten. The
only reason that was my job
was because I was too little
to help lift trees.
SR: Youve mentioned your
grandmother in past inter-
C O N T I N U E D
THI NG NOT A THI NG
Thing or Not a Thing?
BY ANNA PEELE
Benedict Cumberbatch,
spook (As a wolf in
Penguins of Madagascar and
World War II cryptanalyst
Alan Turing in
The Imitation Game)
Daddy, War (Brad Pitts
character in the drama Fury is called
Wardaddy by his Army crew.)
The premiere of Fake Off, a
show in which contestants
re-create moments in pop
culture (Dumber)
John Carroll Lynch,
spook (The implied serial
killer in Zodiac and a
villain on American Horror
Story: Freak Show)
The continued existence
of Daylight Savings
Time (Dumb)
views. What kind of singing
did she do?
TS: She sang opera. She
would sing in whatever city-
opera production when my
grandfather was working.
He was an engineer and he
would travel a lot, building
bridges. She even was a
cohost on this show called
The Pan American Show, in
Puerto Rico, and she was
beautiful and graceful but
spoke the worst Spanish
youve ever heard. All the
Spanish-speaking fans in
Puerto Rico just loved her,
because she was so brave
about how terrible she was
at speaking Spanish. She
tried every night. And then
shed get up and sing, and,
of course, it was the perfect,
beautiful operatic voice.
Gorgeous soprano.
SR: Have you seen yourself in
The Giver?
TS: I saw the movie. Its hard
for me to separate myself
from myself. I just see me in
a brown wig and I think, Oh, I
look so weird there. Why does
my face look so weird? Oh, I
hate the sound of my voice.
Music is the only thing thats
ever fit me like that little black
dress you wear every single
time you go out. Other things
fit me for certain seasons, but
music is the only thing that I
would wear all year round. [To
her manager] Can I play him
something? So this is the first
singlethis is about the most
important lesson Ive learned
in the last couple of years.
[Shake It Of plays through
earbuds.] Well, thats that.
SR: Nice. I think youre gon-
na be big.
TS: Thank you!
SR: You have a great sense of
humor, but you keep it kind of
hidden. Its self-efacing and a
little sarcastic, but you use it
very judiciously.
TS: I think its nice to have
some tricks up your sleeve.
Everybody sees every part of
everything I do, and they all
draw their own conclusions
from it, so there has to be a
little bit of you that people
only get when theyre in per-
son with you.
SR: Do you ever feel trapped
in the persona of sweetness,
innocence, purity?
TS: No, because Im realistic
about the fact that millions of
people dont have time in their
day to maintain a complex
profile of who I am. Theyre
busy with their work and
their kids and their husband
or their boyfriend and their
friends. They only have time
to come up with about two or
three adjectives to describe
people in the public eye. And
thats okay. As long as those
three adjectives arent train
wreck, mess, terrible. I figure
eventually, if you hang around
long enough, people will see
all sides of you.
SR: More evidence of
your sanity.
TS: When I was a little kid, my
friends were watching Disney
Channel, but I was watching
Behind the Music. And I was
drawing these conclusions,
like the reason these people
went of the rails is because
they lost their level of self-
awareness. They turned a
blind eye to things they didnt
want to see, and all of a sud-
den all they were seeing were
their delusions of grandeur.
And I never wanted to make
that mistake in my life, regard-
less of what my career
ended up being. I take away
these kind of life lessons from
that show.
SR: Youve thought about this.
TS: I have a lot of time. Thats
all I do.
People have only two or three
adjectives to describe people in
the public eye. And thats okay.
As long as those adjectives
arent train wreck, mess, terrible.
Daddy Warbucks
(The titular little
girl in the
remake of Annie
will now refer
to the bald, rich
stranger as Will
Stacks instead
of Daddy. )
Public interest in the
sex problems of bril-
liant men (Closeted
Alan Turing in The
Imitation Game; ALS
patient Stephen Hawk-
ing in The Theory
of Everything)
The notion of Dumb
and Dumber To
(Little, Brown, $30), is essentially an oral
history told by those closest to herfam-
ily, producers, musicians, her longtime
business managerall of whom share
more or less the same point of view: The
Queen of Soul is a tortured genius, a gos-
pel prodigy, the mother of two by age 15, a
tough, imperious woman who has fought
forever for control of her life and career.
One unfortunate result of Franklins
temperament is the glaring absence of her
own voice in Respect. Shes still aliveun-
like many of the sources Ritz quotes at
great length from years-old interviews
still working, still searching for hits at the
age of 72. Ritz coauthored Arethas 1999
autobiography, From These Roots, and
explains in an introductory chapter that
he felt compelled to write this one with-
out his subjects participation because
the rst was, at Franklins insistence, a
fairy tale. Respect is a worthy historical
documentbut one with a diva-sized hole
at its center. SCOTT RAAB

C O N T I N U E D
Jerry Lee Lewis:
His Own Story
By Rick Bragg
When he was young,
Jerry Lee Lewis en-
rolled in a Bible col-
lege in Waxahachie,
Texas, figuring hed
become a preacher.
There, one day, somebody asked him to
play a few gospel songs at the school tal-
ent show. He obliged. Afterward, when
the audience stopped howling with lust
or freedom or whatever it was that had
just been awakened in them, he was ex-
pelled. Youve ruined a great Christian
college, the dean said.
And maybe he had. Or maybe hed
saved it. As with all Jerry Lee stories,
its hard to separate the creation from
the destruction. And in Rick Braggs bi-
ography, Jerry Lee Lewis: His Own Story
(Har perCollins, $28), both come out in
abundance: the wiry, Ferriday, Louisiana,
daredevil, breech-born and comprised
mostly of whalebone and hell, who at
four depressed a key on his aunts piano
and was forever changed; who in seventh
grade tried to strangle a teacher, earning
the nickname Killer; who had a little hit
in 1956 and a two very big ones in 1957;
who stayed on top for just 500 days be-
fore he was ruined at 22 by the revelation
that hed married his 13-year-old second
cousin, Myra.
But thats just a quarter of the mans life.
Bragga captivating southern storytell-
er who spent months with the Killerex-
cels in unspooling what came next: Jerry
Lees decade on the road playing bad bars
for bad money in an endless bid to rebuild
his audience; and then his sudden rise to
a second superstardom, greater than the
rst, as a honky-tonk singer and world-
class wreaker of havoc and sufferer of
tragedy and misfortune, all the while
abiding by a simple philosophy: Jerry Lee
Lewis dont disappear.
Respect: The
Life of Aretha
Franklin
By David Ritz
The rst time I heard
Aretha Franklin, I
was 15 years old. Re-
spect was the song.
This was in 1967, in
Cleveland, where the hippest AM radio
came out of Windsor, Ontario, by way of
DetroitCKLW: 50,000 clear-channel
watts of light and love. Soul music.
I had been listening, but Id never heard
anything like her voice. Nobody had:
There was nothing like it. Respect was
Otis Reddings song until Aretha took it
and owned it. I didnt know jack shit about
its rootsdidnt know Berry Gordy from
Bear Bryantbut I had a soul, and I felt
the furious, purifying joy wrought by her
immortal voice.
That nectar did not come easy. David
Ritzs new biography of Franklin, Respect
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56 E S QU I R E N OV E MB E R 2 0 1 4 To see Danai Gurira tell another joke, on video, scan here with the Esquire2 app.
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SO I WENT TO A CHINESE restaurant,
and this duck came up to me with
a red rose and said, Your eyes sparkle
like diamonds.
I said, Waiter, I asked for
a-ROMATIC duck.
AS TOLD BY
DANAI GURIRA
Funny
*
Joke
from a
Beautiful
Woman
Esquire cannot
guarantee
that this joke
will be funny to
everyone.
*
ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Danai Gurira
grew up running track in Zimbabwe. Now
the 36-year-old actress and playwright runs
from (and occasionally at) zombies as
Michonne on AMCs The Walking Dead (now
in its fifth season). Playing the walker slay-
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at least four Walking Dead enthusiasts have
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edgy around her. She definitely fears me,
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THI S
MONTH I N
SEX
Got a sex question of your own?
E-mail it to us at sex@esquire.com.
Why do British
lawyers wear
wigs?
State-sanc-
tioned cosplay
is what I call it.
How long
should I keep
receipts?
Until they fade
completely
and you can
write in your
own stores and
amounts.
Why does
looking at the
sun make me
sneeze?
Youre a rep-
licant. Please
report to your
nearest police
station.
...And
Other
Topics
Im surprised that youre only
now hearing of poppers, because
they really are your fathers de-
signer drug. Oh, yes, your dad
was legendary on them.
Poppers belong to a class of
chemicals called alkyl nitrites,
which are renowned for angina
and meat preservation. They are
sold legally in the U. S. as video-
head cleaners, for those dirty
video heads youve been mean-
ing to clean, and shipped in dis-
creet packaging that doesnt have
Rush, Ram, Blue Boy, or any other
brand name written on it. Effects
of the drug include relaxation of
the blood vessels and anus, ele-
vated heart rate, and, according
to alkyl-nitrites expert Ronald W.
Wood, dilation of your periph-
eral vasculature. (And if youve
ever had your peripheral vascu-
lature dilated, you know what he
means.) Wood also speaks of in-
credible headaches and oxygen
deprivation that causes choco-
late-brown bloodwhich Im
told is another brand as well.
Poppers are explosive, amma-
ble, and worst of all, last only a
minute, so you have to do them
all night. (I just take them a cou-
ple times a year for hay fever.)
However, there is one scenar-
io in which poppers are essen-
tial. They are commonly used
and appreciated, often multiple
times, by people who are receiv-
ing anal sex, says G. Merrimen
Landeau, a club promoter famil-
iar with the popper lifestyle. In
other words, if one had, say, res-
ervations about receiving anal
sex, one might ingest some pop-
pers to help one let go and enjoy
it. So if you suspect that you will
need to relax your anus quickly,
maybe see if your fellow actors
have some. But dont dawdle. The
director would like to get started.
Why does my wife look
like shes in pain when she
has an orgasm?
Oh, its not just during orgasms.
She looks like that a lot now.
And its not just her. If you did
more peeping, youd probably
know that the pained look you
describe is fairly standard. Sex
and pain share the same neural
pathway, says Barry R. Komis-
aruk, neuroscientist and coau-
thor of The Science of Orgasm,
but at some point in the brain,
they diverge. Science isnt cer-
tain where or why, but it says
it has its best people on it. One
might guess that orgasm, plea-
sure in pains clothing, occu-
pies some prized real estate in
the nerve community, which
is already gated. We do know,
and dont ask us how, pain is re-
duced during orgasm, which can
be very helpful if timed correctly.
For now, though, we must defer
to the standing ruling on Pain v.
Pleasure: Orgasm is granted the
pleasure, and pain maintains
control of the facial muscles.
Look away if it really bothers
you, and do feel free to keep smil-
ing through yours if you have to.
In the woods
The convergence
of mating and
hunting seasons
makes November
the best and worst
month to be a
white-tailed deer.
At the caf
Blend honey,
cacao, maca, cin-
namon, and coco-
nut milk to make
the purported
aphrodisiac bever-
age sex cofee.
Body part of
the month
Jennifer Anistons
filthy mouth in
Horrible Bosses 2.
shapes. In Bayonne, New Jersey, its a nancially engineered
partnership between LBO rm KKR and United Water. In De-
cember 2012, they licensed this struggling citys atrophied wa-
ter and sewer operations for $300 million. United/KKR will pay
off all the utilitys debt and also spring for infrastructure im-
provements and things like new water meters. For that, United/
KKR gets all the revenue from however many times 63,000
people ush a toilet, take a shower, and wash their car over the
next 40 years.
The deal was notable as a leading edge in whats going to be-
come a wave. United has done nearly 100 such deals with mu-
nicipalities. Sometimes it takes over without a nancial part-
ner, as it did in Nassau County, New York, where this summer
it inked a 20-year deal to operate three wastewater plants and
sewage systems. In other places, such as Bethel, Connecticut,
United Water is buying the utility outright.
Since many of these utilities, not just in corrupt New Jer-
sey but throughout the country, have been historically used
to park the brother-in-law of the mayor or a critical campaign
aide, theres every reason to believe actual service delivery will
become more efcient. But you can bet rates will not go down.
Bayonnes 31-person workforce turned into a 19-person work-
force, and you better believe that the money saved from pay-
ing 12 fewer people will not be returned to water consumers in
the form of a rebate. No, that dough will much more likely end
up in Paris and ultimately in the hands of Suez stockholders.
But thats not necessarily a bad thing for consumers. Its been
nearly impossible to hold water companies accountable for not
only charging whatever the hell they wantcan anyone really
verify what his own water meter says?but also for more se-
rious violations. This summer, for example, the engineer of
New Jerseys East Orange Water Commission pleaded guilty
to concealing high levels of the dry-cleaning solvent tetrachlo-
roethene. Companies like Suez and Veolia, with global assets
and gigantic R&D budgets dedicated to using less water, have
the means and motivation to at least keep the local water in-
frastructure up to date.
Neither Veolia nor Suez is a pure playthey both have a
bunch of activities outside the water sphere. But both are fo-
cused on water as their main driver of growth. Veolia is the
giant here. Formerly Vivendi Environnement, its the largest
manager of municipal water systems in the world. Its got a stag-
gering 187,000 workers serving 94 million customers. Its also
the leader in high-tech water strategies, like reverse osmosis
and thermal desalination. But its Suez that interests me most,
given the strength and speed of its water acquisitions and its
narrower aperture. The company is deploying its cash wisely,
scooping up annuities streams from towns that arent in any
position to negotiate.
Youre a very nosy fellow, kitty cat. You know what happens
to nosy fellows? They buy water companies.
BY KEN KURSON
The

the very geography of the Middle East and, increasingly, how
we live and grow things and do business in the United States.
As always, lifestyle change equals investment opportunity.
Market penetration of water usage worldwide is 100 percent,
but the processing and delivery of water to the people who pay
for it is a gigantic, ubiquitous, incredibly old-fashioned indus-
try. It is stunning that in America, where other utilities have
already gone through the jarring change of being acquired by
near-monopolies because of the expense and complexity of
building infrastructure, you still have water delivery being han-
dled by municipal governments in most towns.
At least until recently. At long last, the cities enjoying the
cash ow from charging their residents for water have realized
that the science of delivering that water and the ability to pack-
age that cash owsometimes getting a one-time deal-signing
windfall that helps them plug budget gapsmake surrender-
ing ownership of that service worthwhile.
There are two giant players in this emerging industry: Suez
and Veolia, both French owned, oddly enough. They are part-
nering with or scooping up these mini utilities around the coun-
try and turning them into the water equivalents of Con Ed and
PG&E. In 2000, Suez bought United Water, which got its start
as the Hackensack Water Company, one of the provincial lit-
tle guys it is now gobbling up. This model is taking a variety of
Peak Water
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When Jamal Motlagh was studying for his MBA, he saw a business opportunity in an everyday problem: the fact that
men hate shopping for new jeans. The 30-year-old is now the CEO and founder of Acustom Apparel, a Manhattan-
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STARTING WITH A PROBLEM: In business school, I asked a bunch of guys what was the hardest thing to shop for,
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Chrysler is proud to celebrate
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You need to have
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and inspiration,
and allows you to
leap off the cliff,
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But first, about this here beaut: Most of us, we buy and wear
certain watches for a reason, and most of those reasons are
more complicated than I like it. It could be practicalI do this,
therefore I need this. It could be emotionalI want to look and
feel a certain way. And since this is the real world and were not
all living in a Kanye West song, money often matters, tooI really
want that, but Ill be happy, for now, with this. We all have our rea-
sons, so while you might not strictly need a watch thats water-
resistant to 3,900 meters/36 football fields, which is what youre
getting with Rolexs latest Deepsea chronometer, you still might
buy and wear it for other reasons. The option to dive that deep.
The appearance of looking like you could dive that deep. Or the
simple satisfaction of owning a watch that you really like. Thats
as good a reason as any. Steel Deepsea watch ($12,350) by Rolex.
69
A
USERS
GUIDE TO
DAMN GOOD
WATCHES
The blue-to-black
fade on the dial is
meant to mimic
a divers view as he
descends into the
watery depths.
2.Youdemand
alotfrom
yourwatch.
Like a timer. Or a tachymeter to
gauge speed. Or a moon phase to
track lunar cycles. Or all
three, as this hardworking Zenith
chronograph has. You have
needs, and you want a watch to
meet them. Steel El Primero
Helios watch ($12,400) by Zenith.
14 REASONS
TO WEAR A WATCH
BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS HIS REASONS FOR WHATS ON HIS WRIST
OUR FASHION DIRECTOR WILL
NOW TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS
Ask Nick
Sullivan
When I first saw it, it reminded me of Marc Newsons Ikepod range of mechanicals.
I then found out that Apple had announced four days before the watch launch that
it had hired Newson. Hmm. That actually makes it more interesting to me. As to the
matter of yea v. nay, I think people who love Apple will love it, while people who like
watches will buy it as a curiosity or as a third or fifth watch to add to their repertoire.
TheApplewatchyeaornay?
T. COOK, CUPERTINO, CALIF.*
3.Youre
constantlytiming
things.
Races. Dives. Eggs.
A chronograph is your best
friend. Steel Fifty Fathoms
Bathyscaphe Flyback
chronograph ($14,800)
by Blancpain.
1.Youliketodive.
(Not36-football-feldsdeep,butstill:deep)
The IWC Aquatimer is good to a depth of 300 metersor nearly 1,000 feetand
has a proprietary streamlined internal-external rotating bezel that helps you track how
long youve been under. Steel Aquatimer automatic watch ($5,750) by IWC.
Throw this bad
boy in a dark room
(or deep water)
to appreciate the
light-bright Super-
LumiNova coating
on the dial.
*Kidding! Some guy on the Internet asked this. Pretty sure he doesnt run Apple.
These days having
thicker wrists is actual-
ly less of an issue than
it would have been 20
years ago. Watches are
generally 8 to 10mm
bigger in diameter than
they were, which
might sound minimal
but in watchmaking
is actually huge. To
mitigate your thick
wrists some, Id look
for round cases over
square, in the 42-to-
44mm diameter range.
What watch
shape
complements
a thick wrist?
@EQUIPARTNERS
Colorful, understated,
minimalist. White-gold
Bulgari RomaLimited
130th Anniversary Edition
watch ($22,200) by Bulgari.
Modern, understated,
minimalist (with black
PVD-finished stainless
steel to boot). Steel-
and-PVD SE Pilot watch
($1,495) by Movado.
Classic, understated,
minimalist. Steel
Meisterstuck Heritage Date
automatic watch ($2,670)
by Montblanc.
And if youre a lefty, you understand the usefulness of having the crown on this Panerai watch
on the left-hand side. (If youre not a lefty, though: cool-looking, right?) Titanium Luminor
1950 Chrono Monopulsante Left-Handed 8 Days Titanio watch ($22,500) by Panerai.
4. Youre a lefty.
5. You hear the
phrase powered
by light and
you think: nice.
Seikos Solar chronograph is
indeed powered by light and
has a six-month power reserve,
should you encounter a spell of
rainy days. Ion-plated-steel
Prospex watch ($550) by Seiko.
6. You hear the
phrase plasma
high-tech ceramic
and you think: cool.
Because thats the extremely
durable, incredibly shiny mate-
rial that this Rado happens to be
made of. Ceramic-and-plasma
Diamaster XXL automatic chrono-
graph ($4,700) by Rado.
7. You wear
suits to work
every day.
Ask Nick
For lefties who
like to wear their
watch on their
right wrist, this
design provides
easy access to
the crown.
Three subdials, an orange
chronograph hand,
and a whole lot else going
on. Titanium Freelancer
automatic chronograph
($3,250) by Raymond Weil.
A rubberized screw-down
crown and a busy dial add
up to a sportier-seeming
Royal Oak. Steel Royal Oak
Ofshore Diver ($19,000)
by Audemars Piguet.
The latest in a series of
Breitling watches first
designed for pilots back in
the mid-1980s, this is ac-
tion incarnate. Steel Chro-
nomat 41 Airborne watch
($8,030) by Breitling.
8. You need
a watch for
when youre
not wearing
a suit.
9. Youve researched and researched
and researched and are ready to splurge
on a timeless, heirloom-worthy
piece of timekeeping perfection.
From the polished rose-gold casing to the iconic design of the crown, this is the
watch you want to be buried in (if your heirs dont get it first). Rose-gold Ballon Bleu de
Cartier watch ($19,200) by Cartier.
10. You
appreciate
a fine
automobile.
Dashboard-inspired
dials. Rubber-tread
bands. Tachymeters
along the bezel. When
youve got motor oil in
your blood, these are
the watches for you.
The crown of
the Ballon Bleu is
nestled within a
bump in the bezel,
making it unlike
any other watch
on the market.
Steel Tambour
Voyagez II
chronograph
($9,000) by Louis
Vuitton.
PVD-finished-steel
Extreme
automatic
watch ($1,450)
by Tissot.
F
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79 Watch, listen, share, and morescan any page with the free Esquire2 app.
The one about:
Those enterprising
folks in a once-great
American city (De-
troit) who tapped
and trained the lo-
cal underemployed
workforce to create
beautiful, aford-
able watches using
Swiss-made parts?
Steel Runwell watch
($550) by Shinola.
Or the one about:
How the Czech air
force had watch-
es specially de-
signed and built for
it in the years be-
fore the Second
World War, and how
the very same com-
pany behind those
earlier watches
is now resurrect-
ing another version
of them this year?
Steel Longines
Heritage 1935
watch ($2,300) by
Longines.
14. You
travel a lot.
Most men dont wear
jewelry, so a watch is all
weve got to play with.
Yes, its a (slightly) func-
tional accessory, but its
also a badge of status
and an investment, the
male equivalent of the
handbag, perhaps.
People still
wear watches?
Whatever for?
@LUCISKYDYME
Ask Nick
Oh, and dont forget
the one about:
How when Armstrong
and co. first landed on
the moon, they were
wearing Omega watch-
es, and now, 45 years
later, Omega has rere-
leased the Speedmas-
ter Mark II, which runs
on a self-winding move-
ment, updated from the
original movement that
powered the astronauts
watches way back
when? Steel Speed-
master Mark II watch
($6,250) by Omega.
13. You like a
good story
behind
your
watch.
Mostly
all over the
place.
Mostly
between
two cities.
Armstrong, on
Omega time.
GOT A QUESTION FOR
NICK SULLIVAN? E-MAIL
HIM AT ESQSTYLE@
HEARST.COM, OR TWEET
HIM AT @ESQSTYLE.
The Carreras Twin-Time
function lets you keep
track in two time zones
simultaneously. Steel
Carrera Twin-Time auto-
matic watch ($3,300) by
TAG Heuer.
The large orange hand
and the 24-hour mark-
ings around this Bell &
Ross bezel keep Green-
wich Mean Time, so no
matter how many zones
youre crisscrossing,
youll always have one
foot in GMT. Steel BR123
GMT 24H watch ($3,600)
by Bell & Ross.
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I t seems l ike ever yone does f ragrance st rips in t hese magazines.
Whi ch we l ike. I t gives us new ways t o show of f our Sel ect boxer
brief s. Not onl y can you see how great our under wear l ooks, but
you can al so smel l our premium, super- sof t ringspun cot t on. Gi ve
t he t ab a pul l and smel l f or yoursel f. Go ahead.
OUR NEW UNDERWEAR
LOOKS GREAT, FEELS GREAT
AND EVEN SMELLS GREAT.
STEPHEN MARCHE
WONDERS, IF NOT THE
MILLENNIALS, THEN WHO?
NEVER HAS A TIME BEEN MORE RIPE
FOR PROTEST. NEVER HAS A GENERATION
SEEMED SO AMBIVALENT ABOUT IT.
A
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THE DREAM OF WILD REBELLION RISES and falls like clockwork. In every genera-
tion, the youthful cries for personal freedom coalesce, at one moment or another, at one
place or another, into a collective howl of hope and deance, and a desperate dream of
overturning the old order is born. Today that revolutionary impulse survives mostly on
screens or in the pages of books. The escape from or destruction of an overly regulated,
overly controlled society is, in a sense, the adolescent story proper, and recently it has
been everywhere in the massively popular genre known as YA: Its in the destruction of
the Ministry of Magic by a ragtag bunch of kids in Harry Potter; in the ight from the
Sameness in The Giver; and most clearly in girl-on-re Katniss Everdeens leading of
the peoples of the Districts against the overlords in the Capitol in Mockingjay (out this
month), the last in the Hunger Games trilogy. A dispassionate outsider anthropologist
confronting this glut of popular material
promoting the violent youthful overthrow
of corrupt adult hierarchies might assume
that a grand upswell from below was im-
minentthat the streets would soon be
teeming with wild youth. Of course, noth-
ing could be further from the truth. The
dream of youthful rebellion is so intense
and so ubiquitous exactly because actual
youthful rebellion has never been so dead.
Those currently under thirty constitute
TheRebellion
KINDA RESPONSIBLE SHORTHAND FOR CHARACTERIZING ALL MILLENNIALS
Millennials are...confident,
self-expressive, liberal, upbeat,
open to change, and more ed-
ucated than other generations,
though theyre less likely to be
working and slower to settle
down. Less religious, too. They
text while driving and sleep
near their smartphone. They
place parenthood and mar-
riage far above career and fi-
nancial success, and say be-
ing a good parent is one of
their most important life goals.
But they arent married yet,
and they arent parents. They
arent satisfied with how things
are going in this country, but
theyre optimisticespecially
about their own career.
From the Pew Research study Millennials, a Portrait of Generation Next
STEPHEN MARCHE
WONDERS, IF NOT THE MILLENNIALS, THEN WHO?
S
t
e
p
h
e
n

M
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w
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r
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(
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.
the most obedient, the most docile, and the best-behaved genera-
tion in recent American history. Today, less than half of American
teenagers have had sexual intercourse, compared with 54 per-
cent in 1991, when the Centers for Disease Control rst started
measuring the statistic. The teen birthrate has been plummet-
ing for fty years, declining from 89.1 women per 1,000 in 1960
to 26.6 in 2013. Contraceptive use is up. Drug and alcohol use
are down. Since 1980, there has been a dramatic decline in high
school seniors consumption of alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and
cigarettes. Sex and drugs are so over. As for rock n roll, its inher-
ent rebellion was co-opted long ago by corporate fantasies. The
angry shout of hip-hop has devolved
into a celebration of pure consumer-
ism: Make money. On the awards
shows and in social media, there re-
main certain brands of faux-bellion at
work, but all are transparent. The re-
bellion of Nicki Minaj is turning her-
self into a more effective sexual com-
modity; the rebellion of Lady Gaga
is a facsimile of Bowies and Madon-
nas; the rebellion of Taylor Swift is
being really, really nice to everybody.
The elites are those who follow
best, and not just in popular cul-
ture. In all forms of work and all
forms of power, the ones who t in and who learn to obey the
codes subsequently triumph. William Deresiewiczs Excellent
Sheep, a sharp critique of the credentials
race at Ivy League institutions, has impli-
cations far beyond the narrow connes of
top-ight universities. Deresiewiczs book
is full of examples of young people who ba-
sically have destroyed all aspects of their
individualitytheir health, their critical
intelligence, their sense of any moral pur-
pose whatsoeverto be attached to an Ivy
League school name. And these are the peo-
ple who will eventually run all the institu-
tions, both major and minor, in America,
if not the world. The loop feeds on itself,
exacerbating inequality, retarding social
mobility, perpetuating privilege, and cre-
ating an elite that is as isolated from the so-
ciety that its supposed to leadand even
more smug about its right to its positionas
the WASP aristocracy itself, Deresiewicz
writes. The portrait that emerges from Ex-
cellent Sheep is of a generation so desperate
to t in that its very humanity is in danger.
Its easy to judge, though, when youre
past the point at which rebellion has con-
sequences. The truth is that the obedience
of todays young adultsthey even exercise
more than they used tois simply a response
to stimuli. Its not just that the followers suc-
ceed more than ever but also that the de-
viators are punished more savagely.
To catch your nger in the machin-
ery of American youth justice is to
have your whole body and soul con-
sumed. The thin blue line has be-
come a thick blue chasm; American
police increasingly resemble occu-
pying forces. Even among those who
are comfortably middle class, the eco-
nomic reality is that nobody can af-
ford rebellion. To go to college to get
a decent job puts you in a nancial
hole you must spend the entirety of
your early adulthood scrambling out
of. To miss even a single hurdle is to
take yourself out of the race entirely,
and that race goes on to the death.
There is no outside the race. The real
rebels of our moment are the ones
who simply step away from the sys-
tem altogether, but you never hear
about them. They are willfully marginal, off the grid, self-
silenced. Their rebellions may as well never happen.
The death of youthful rebellion is a mixed loss, it has to be
said. When the spirit of revolution does enter the world, it is
one of the most unpredictable of political forces. Across the
Middle East, youth movements have overturned evil and sown
chaos in its place. In warm, comfortable, safe, anxious, sys-
tematic America, the last real-life move-
ment to indulge the aesthetic of revolution,
Occupy Wall Street, was an utter failure, hav-
ing little more impact on the actual forces
at work in the world than a half-forgotten
dreamlike a book you once read or a movie
you once saw. And yet the dream of rebel-
lion survivesit survives because the world
we live in, the one the elders rule, is corrupt
and restrictive and careening toward self-
immolation, and the youth, the rule-abid-
ing, educated, sober, well-behaved youth
of our time, know it.
There is no more appropriate time for
revolution than now. The democratic in-
stitutions, bought and sold like any other
corporate interest, are totally ill-equipped
to deal with the problems of our time: the
burgeoning inequalities of race and class,
the accelerating environmental crisis. The
ember of hope for a better world, lurking
beside bedside tables and in the movie
theaters lled with superstressed, over-
prepared kids, keeps burning despite the
constriction, the marketing, the exclu-
sion. It will are up again, inevitably, and
the youth on re wont just be in the mov-
iesthat is, if they arent utterly exhausted
just trying to keep up.
During the 1992 election,
Bill Clinton promoted
the idea that if you work
hard and play by the
rules, you deserve to
succeed, but Obama
really took it up in ear-
nest in 2008. This is a
nostalgic phrase. Both
presidents, I assume,
understood that fact,
because we all under-
stand that the system is
rigged. The rigging is
the system.
During the military coup
in Thailand, protesters
actually used the Hunger
Games signthree
fingers extendedas
a gesture of solidarity.
Generational war is at an
all-time lowits virtually
nonexistent. Children
live with their parents
longer than ever before.
We believe not only that
older people have better
morals, according to a
Pew Research study,
but also that children
disagree with their
parents less than previ-
ous generations.
Burning Man is now the figure of
suppressed rebellion: It takes place in
the middle of the Nevada desert, far
from where it may trouble anyone, and
involves mostly superrich techies...
and Grover Norquist.
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Engine Oil was the idea of my buddy James Fox who pens
the blog, 10engines. It may seem hokey to those below the 49
th
parallel, but good maple syrup is a serious cash crop [in Vermont].
It is worth 20 times the price of a gallon of gasoline, Fox said.
Having grown up ten miles from Bobos Mountain, Fox and
Bobos Mountain Sugars Tina Hartell are old friends.
I have been to more sap boiling parties than christenings,
said Fox, as a means of explaining the importance of maple
syrup to the people of Vermont.
As Hartell tells it, Foxs idea for a syrup collaboration could
not have come at a better time.
This season, our syrup came back really dark, she said,
darker than motor oil, Fox chimed in with a wink.
Without getting too technical, Hartell explained why
this happened. The longer sap boils, the darker the syrup
becomes, and through the process of reverse osmosis, the
syrup becomes lighter. That process removes three-quarters
of the water, which then raises the sugar content of the sap.
Also, there are naturally occurring microorganisms in the
syrup. The later in the sugaring season the production runs,
the warmer the sap is, and the more apt the microorganisms
are to reproduce. This makes the syrup darker.
Hartell says, none of this explains why Bobos and so many
other syrup makers in Vermont made so much dark syrup
this year. In spite of the fact that we have reverse osmosis, we
made nothing but dark syrup from the get-go (late March).
When she asked another heavy-hitter in the Vermont
maple syrup worldsomeone whos been producing syrup
for over 40 yearswhy everyones syrup went dark, he said,
Because thats what the trees gave us.
Well said.
Max Wastler
Perfect
Pairings
Bobos Mountain Sugar & 10Engines
ENGINE OIL WITH
BASIL HAYDENS
BOURBON
t 4UBSU XJUI B %BSL 3PCVTU 4ZSVQ
t 5PQ PGG XJUI #BTJM )BZEFOT
t 4IBLF JU XJUI B DMFNFOUJOF XFEHF
ENGINE OIL
WESTON, VT
MAX WASTLER is a Chicago-based storyteller and shop
owner known for his appreciation of America, its people,
its places, and in particular, its handmade things,
including Basil Haydens Kentucky Straight Bourbon.
His blog will leave you educated, inspired, and
definitely thirsty for more.
Find Whiskey Among Other Things at BasilHaydens.com.
Presented by
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WELL DONE.
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TUESDAYS 9|8c
To find Esquire Network, go to EsquireTV.com/channelfinder
2014 Esquire Network
NEW SERIES
FULL SEASON PREMIERES ON DEMAND NOV 24
To find Esquire Network, go to EsquireTV.com/channelfinder
2014 Esquire Network
In parenting,
there are no mulligans.
NEW SERIES
THE SHORT GAME
It may have been inspired by oysters,
but Rappahannock, the crown jew-
el of the Croxton empire (see above), has
bigger concerns. At the helm is the inordi-
nately skilled and ambitious Dylan Fulti-
neer, who for eight years ran Blackbird in
Chicago and who now has three things at
his disposal that all chefs long for: amaz-
ing seafood, a big space, and an audience
ready to be wowed. And wowed they are,
or at least they should be. On one visit, it
was crispy braised oxtail sitting on top of
four plump Virginia scallops, which in turn
rested on a radiantly white, viscous pool of
curry-scented cauliower. Another night,
he served a braised lamb neck as big as
a big mans st, meltingly moist but with
all the meaty power of a rib steak. Give
Fultineer even the gnarliest of proteins,
like river eel, and hell wood-grill it and
serve it with smoked barcat oysters and
piquillo-pepper sauce. Its not just about
the food, though; the cocktails are also
strong, original, and varied, and the ser-
vice never creaks. And of course the oys-
ters are out of this world. 320 East Grace
Street; 804-545-0565
BORDER SPRINGS FARM
(PATRICK SPRINGS) AND
MUSICKLAND FARMS
(FORT CHISWELL)
These family farms
produce, within a
couple hours of each
other, some of the
countrys very best
lamb and pork. bor-
derspringsfarm.com
FOGGY RIDGE CIDER (DUGSPUR)
Maker of ciders as complex as
any youll find in Normandy,
made from some of the states
obscure heritage apples. fog-
gyridgecider.com
ON THE COAST, two cousins,
Travis and Ryan Crox-
ton, have started a mini
empire on the strength
of their oyster compa-
ny, Rappahannock River
Oysters. It includes Rich-
monds Rappahannock
(below); Merroir, a sea-
food shack at the mouth
of the river that serves
creamy, deep-cupped
oysters from diferent
parts of the bay system,
each with its own dis-
tinct flavor; and Eat the
Rich, a craft-cocktail bar
in D. C. that serves oys-
ters alongside virtuosic
classic cocktailssours
and flips and sazer-
acsand sets the whole
thing against a careful-
ly curated vintage punk
soundtrack.
CHAMPION BREWING COMPA-
NY (CHARLOTTESVILLE)
Its small, bare, and with-
out frills, but this Char-
lottesville gem brews
some of the most singu-
lar beers we can remem-
ber pounding, including
brews with ingredients
like fennel, yams, and
lamb. championbrew-
ingcompany.com
BARBOURSVILLE VINEYARDS
(BARBOURSVILLE)
Thomas Jeferson wanted to plant
French vines in Virginia soil. It didnt
work outthen. Now it has. Barbours-
villes flagship wine, Octagon, is a love
afair between Bordeaux and the terroir
of Virginias Piedmont. bbvwine.com
A restaurant so tiny it
might register as a prank,
but chef Ian Boden packs
a square mile of culinary
genius inside his little red
building. facebook.com/
theshacksva
SUB ROSA BAKERY
(RICHMOND)
The future of bread
resides in the past:
in-house milling of
regional heritage
grains. And few do it
better, or with more
conviction, than this
Richmond bakery.
subrosabakery.com
Look at Virginia on a map. How
is it not an established food para-
dise? The oldest region in the coun-
try. One of the biggest. Loaded with
wealth and power, enclosing the na-
tions capital. Vast mountain silenc-
es and endless meadows pierced
by broad and powerful rivers, all
emptying into the biggest, most
complex bay system in the coun-
try. And yet, the occasional ham ex-
cepted, it has never gotten its prop-
er due. Its time. The Old Dominion
has seemingly overnight exploded
into one of the countrys greatest
gastro regions.
RICHMOND
B E S T N E W R E S T A U R A N T S
ROSS MCCAMMON
OPPORTUNITY TO DIE
FROM HAPPINESS
Rose. Rabbit. Lie.
You dont know what you
are getting yourself into
when you walk into Ve-
gass Rose. Rabbit. Lie.
Even sober, its almost
impossible to keep track
of its labyrinth of cocktail
bars, dining rooms, the-
aters, sliding walls, and a
menu consisting entire-
ly of retro luxury dishes
shellfish towers, platters
of oysters Rockefeller,
caviar, beef Wellington,
foie gras, and 40 other
items. The food is enjoy-
able enough, but hardly
even the point of this sat-
urnalia, which in recent
months has featured a
flaming absinthe cart,
a showgirl inside a fish-
bowl, another who shot
arrows with her feet, and
tap-dancing twins. The
place is, in scope and
intent, completely de-
ranged, and we mean
that in the best way pos-
sible. roserabbitlie.com
PAUL KAHAN S STRI PED JACK CRUDO
Lay thinly sliced jack fish on an ice-cold plate and
season with sea salt. Combine 1 Tbsp lemon juice
with tsp honey. Drizzle over the fish. Thinly
slice radishes and Thai bird chile crosswise. Place
one piece of both on each slice of fish.
Top with torn mint. Drizzle liberally with high-
quality olive oil.
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The glazed sweetbreads. The seafood in brodo with
Scottish langoustines, the lobster spaghetti (top
left), and, really, more than you could easily keep
track of. And we remember, vaguely, wild-salmon
belly with fermented chile and black-lava salt and
plums. And on and on it goes.
Kahan wouldnt do a restaurant of this ambition
without a serious meat commitment, so of course
there is dry-aged rib eye with Calabrian chile but-
ter to go along with all those great seafood dish-
es. Amanda Rockmans desserts are gorgeous, too,
as masterful and mature as everything else on the
menu. And if youre too overwhelmed to indulge
at that point, you can always content yourself with
one of the 70 or so exotic digestifs on the menu. Or
just hold off: Nico serves all throughout the day, so
you can just have Rockmans pastries for breakfast.
1015 North Rush Street; 312-994-7100
The sheer luxuriousness of Nico comes as a
surprise, since executive chef and partner Paul
Kahans other restaurants, though great, have never
even hinted at opulence. Blackbird is sleek and un-
derstated; Avec is a small-plates restaurant; Publi-
can a tavern; and Big Star a rowdy taco joint where
you go to chow down and tie one on.
And yet here is Nico, elegant and posh, with its
staggering array of crudi, enough for an omakase
tasting of its own. An antipasti equal in nesse to
half the things people go to Avec for. Then the ab-
bondanza: the pappardelle with milk-braised pork
and carrot and black trufe. The whole market sh,
astronomically expensive and astronomically good.
CHICAGO
NEW YORK SAN FRANCI SCO LOS ANGELES
When you hear the name April Bloomeld,
you think gut-bombs like the Spotted Pigs
immense short-rib cheeseburgers or the Breslins
fried lamb belly. What you dont think of, at least
until now, is ethereal, transparent, life-afrming
minestrone soup; gemelli with black pepper and
pecorino, bound in a anlike viscosity so perfect-
ly in balance that it was impossible to separate the
three elements; a peerless bucatini composed of
equal parts pasta, Bay Area tomatoes, and guan-
ciale, all in a state of chile-scented harmony; or a
lean and barely seasoned heritage whole chicken,
feet still on, served with another three inseparable
ingredients: ricotta, pine nuts, and a
marsala sauce that just wont quit.
Tosca is the best restaurant Bloom-
eld and her partner, Ken Friedman,
have ever done. Part of it is Bloom-
elds evolution as a chef; she has
moved beyond the meaty excess of
her early years and the overcompli-
cated dishes she did later on and has
quickly mastered San Franciscos
minimalist cuisine. The rest is Fried-
years before Friedman and Bloom-
eld bought it, restored it, and add-
ed an open kitchen. It feels like a midcentury red-
sauce joint, with red semicircle banquettes and old,
obscure oil paintings, including a classic pizzeria-
style mural of Venices Grand Canal, but it remains
undeniably San Franciscan. The wine list, divided
into new school and old school, says it all. 242
Columbus Avenue; 415-986-9651
Everything Old Is New Again. And
More Expensive. And Wonderful.
My grandparents came from Hungary, Poland, and
Russia, before World War I, but they never spoke of
those places. We were Jews. Jews is what we were.
Jews is who we knew. Jews far as mine eye can see.
Im still puzzled to discover that Jews make up only
one fifth of 1 percent of humankindthough maybe
that helps explain the gap between the tiny portions
and the titanic prices at the new Russ & Daughters
Cafe, which serves soul food of the Ashkenazi per-
suasion on New York Citys Lower East Side.
Im explaining, not complaining. But already its
too crowded, and the booths and the chairs are too
small, and the lunch service is completely over-
whelmedJews far as mine eye can seeand if I
were you, I wouldnt even bother. Keep moving, folks. Nothing here to eat.
Except for the chopped liver on shissel rye. And the babka French toast. And
the Super Heebster: a spread of salmon and whitefish salads on a bagel half.
And any of the egg dishes, but especially the soft scrambled eggs with cavi-
ar. And the halvah ice cream, which is better than fellatiogiving or receiving.
As for the sliced fish, which is Platonic in its perfection, better you should walk
a few blocks and get yours at the original Russ & Daughters on Houston Street,
now in its 100th year of existence. Eat curbside with your fingers. Because
wherever your grandparents came from, the world is still a shtetl. SCOTT RAAB
REDEMPTION OF
THE UNREDEEMABLE,
PART 1
Few things inspire less
enthusiasm than pea-
nut brittle. But then
Craftsman + Wolves
swapped in smoked al-
monds for peanuts and
achieved a model mix
of smokiness, nuttiness,
salt, sweet, crunch,
REDEMPTION OF
THE UNREDEEMABLE,
PART 2
Save for peanut brittle,
few things inspire less
enthusiasm than airline
meals. But the menu
chef Linton Hopkins
created for Delta in-
cludes things like pick-
led shrimp, artisanal
southern charcuterie,
and White Oak Pastures
chicken potpie.
REDEMPTION OF
THE UNREDEEMABLE,
PART 3
Chefs love lamb ribs,
a cheap cut that car-
ries an ovine wallop, but
few have found a way to
make them welltheyre
typically mushy, or fat-
ty, or both. Enter Border
Springs Lamb, a counter
at Phillys Reading Ter-
minal Market. Its ribs are
tight, firm, and without
the giant seams of fat that
always mar lamb ribs.
borderspringsfarm.com
OTHER CONTRIBUTORS:
JESSIE KISSINGER, JOE
KEOHANE, KEVIN ALEX-
ANDER, CAL FUSSMAN,
BEN COLLINS, EVAN S.
BENN, JULIA BLACK,
JAMES THORNE, AND
ARI NOTIS.
A NOTE ON THE GEMELLI
Go to esquire.com/food2014 to get April
Bloomfields recipe for it. You may not be
able to make it as well as she does, but even
half as good will be far better than most.
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Scan any page to watch videos, listen to audio, share, shop, and more. Get the free Esquire2 app.
SAN FRANCISCO
slip into something bold.
Makers 46
begins as fully matured Makers Mark.
Then its
nished inside barrels containing seared French oak staves
and only during the cold winter months when bourbon
matures more slowly. As a result, Makers 46
offers
bourbon lovers bold vanilla, oak, spice and caramel avors.
But with a smooth drinkability that slides down easy.
the bold side of maker
s.
TM
WE MAKE OUR BOURBON CAREFULLY. PLEASE ENJOY IT THAT WAY.
Makers Mark Bourbon Whisky and Makers 46 Bourbon Whisky, 45% and 47% Alc./Vol. 2014 Makers Mark Distillery, Inc. Loretto, KY makers46.com
SINGER, PAINTER, LEGEND, 88, NEW YORK CITY INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN, AUGUST 21, 2014
TONY
BENNETT
> Ive been very fortunate. Im doing what I love and Im getting away with it, you know?
> Fame comes and goes. Longevity is the thing to aim for.
> If music sounds dated, it means it wasnt very good in the rst place.
> Music teaches my painting and painting teaches my music.
> I was sketching in a slit trench, hiding out, waiting for the Germans. All of a sudden, I heard a whistle. I knew immediately
that it was coming right at us. The noise that it made was unbelievable. It overcame me. So I ran as fast as I could from that trench.
I was twenty-ve feet away when the shell hit exactly where Id been sketching. What did it teach me? To be against war.
> Sing like its opening night.
> Never open with a closerthat comes from Count Basie.
> Emerson wrote how ignorant it is for people to be religious and say My God is better than yours. That was 1841. We still
havent learned.
> Respect eliminates hate.
> I did a show once with Louis Armstronga television show. It was a hell of a show. All of a sudden, as Louis was playing, a
y landed on his nose. So he blew it off. He kept singing, and the y came back on his nose. So he blew it off again. It was being
taped, and everyone in the audience was holding their stomach, laughing. They didnt want to let their laughter out and ruin
his performance. When Louis nished, everybody broke up. And then the director came out and said: Lets do one more take
without the y. But that was the take they shouldve put on TV.
> When the uncreative tell the creative what to do, it stops being art.
> When I was starting out, I used to stay onstage too long. Instead of criticizing me, Fred Astaire told me, What Ive learned
is when you get a set together thats absolutely perfect, go in and pull out fteen minutes of it. That was his way of telling me
that less is more.
> I cant live in San FranciscoId never have an ounce of privacy. When I go to San Francisco, I know how the president feels.
> Jazz is so fabulous, because you do the same song you did the night before differently than you did it the night before.
> My mother was a dressmaker. We were very poor. But she said: Always have a clean suit, a white shirt, and a black pair of
pants and youll be dressed.
> You can go anywhere in black and white.
> Ella Fitzgerald used to say Were all here. Three words. That really says it all. Thats the way to treat people. Were all here.
> Luck is something that happens at the right time.
> Any great performer Ive ever met has been frightened to go on.
> If the artist doesnt give a shit, why should the audience?
> I got that from a cabdriver years ago. He said: You singers, youre all losers compared to the singers I
grew up with. I said: How come? He said: Years ago, Al Jolson and Ethel Merman and people like them
came out onstage and they hit the back of the house! They didnt have a microphone. He said: You guys
are faking it. So I said to myself: Let me try it. When Im in an acoustical hall, let me sing a song at the end
a cappella. At rst, I didnt know what was gonna happen, but then I saw the reaction. This is good! So I left it in.
> My father used to sing on a mountain in Italy, and the whole valley would hear him. I have a photo of
me singing O Sole Mio in the same exact spot. My son Danny was talking to some people and he came up
with this idea: What do you think of Tony and Lady Gaga singing O Sole Mio in Italian? They went crazy.
Having your kids involved in your career like that is very satisfying.
> Everything old becomes new again.
> Im not trying to be bigger than anybody. My game is just to be one of the best.
> Im eighty-eightI have an awful lot to learn. My dream is to get better and better as I get older.
> Lately, I cant believe it. Im getting four or ve standing ovations a night.
Bennetts latest
album, Cheek
to Cheek, is a
collection of
jazz standards
performed with
Lady Gaga. A
live special,
shot at Lincoln
Centers Rose
Hall, airs at 9:00
P.M. on October
24 on PBS and
will air again in
December.
Some of them had forgotten, or maybe had never known, that a sword
would be behind the red cape, and they began streaming out of Madrids
Plaza de Toros midway through the rst ght. It pitted a young matador,
one of the novillerosnovicesagainst a white bull that warm Sunday night,
and the blood ran dark out of its back and shoulders. Black bulls can mask
the gore ooding out of them until it drips off their bellies and onto the
adors, wearing wide-brimmed round hats and carrying long lances.
They take places on opposite sides of the ring. This time, the white
bull sized up its twin opposition and elected to aim for the horse in the
shade, and even the Spaniards blanched a little when it put down its
head and charged. The white bull dug its horns into the horses belly
and lifted its head, drawn by something primal to the tender parts.
The picador drove his lance into the bulls shoulders and twisted the
silver blade at its end, setting loose the rst rivers of blood. Then the
bull backed up and charged the horse again, and it received another
hole in its shoulders for the effort. Now it could no longer raise its head.
The picadors exited the ring and three banderilleros took over.
They looked something like matadors. Their costumestrajes de
luces, or suits of lightwere just as tight and spangled and sex-
ual, revealing each ripple and coil. But their lights were silver, and
matadors wear only gold.
The banderilleros reached over the wooden fence that surrounds
the ring and were given their banderillas, a pair of long barbed darts
decorated in red and yellow. They each took turns with the white bull.
Now it was the men who did the charging. They calculated their an-
gles and committed to their approaches, picking up speed. The bull
caught sight of them and rose to meet their advance, and each of the
menthe closer to the horns, the braverleaped into the air, back
arched, looking almost like a diver in the instant he leaves the cliff,
and spiked the darts into the bulls neck and shoulders before running
clear. The barbs kept the darts in place, and after several passes the
white bull was fully decorated, six darts hanging out of its back and
a drape of blood spreading over its hunched and heaving shoulders.
At last the bugles sounded again, and the bull and the matador
were deemed ready to meet. In this instance, the matador was a
young man with black hair named Puerta. He had his red cape and
he had his sworda lighter one for now, wood or aluminum, only
for show and balance. He coaxed the bull into a series of passes,
shouting at the animal and extending his cape, and the bull obliged,
dropping its head even lower and kicking up the sand. Then came
short charge after short charge, the horns ashing within inches
bullrings sand oor, but that white bull was more frank in its stains
and its suffering. That white bull made it impossible for the specta-
tors, especially the many tourists, to pretend that they were watch-
ing anything but a long, slow death, and that was too much truth
for some to bear. First, they covered their eyes with their programs,
and then they bolted from their stone seats, gasping for the fresh-
er air outside, these burned romantics, so beautiful and optimistic
and naive, now feeling betrayed by a place they thought they knew.
Madrid is a spectacular city. It can feel, in the height of August,
when so many Madrileos make for the cooler coast, like the most
serene of the great capitals. It is golden in the heat. The buildings are
low and sun-bleached and ornate, grand palaces and tidy commer-
cial blocks, tied together by plazas that ll and empty with people
like lungs. Life in Madrid in August feels like the most enlightened
way to existjust one small, subtle beat of pleasure after another.
Maybe thats why this citys Sunday-evening butchery comes as
such a shock. The bullring is another of Madrids old and majestic
buildings, a circle with high turrets and curved redbrick walls and
colorful splashes of ceramic tiles. It is made exclusively of baked-
and-red earth. The ticket sellers offer seats either in the sol or the
sombra, the sun or the shade. On nights when the matadors or the
bulls are the special ones, both sides of the bullring will overow,
the beer vendors and cushion renters stepping carefully between
the sections. It will feel warm and festive until the instant that rst
bull runs out and skids to a stop in the sand. That rst bull some-
how changes the entire complexion of Madrid. For all its grace and
divinity, this city will start screaming for blood.
And on that particular Sunday night in August, amateur night,
when three apprentice matadors were assigned two animals each,
Madrid screamed rst for the blood of a pure-white bull.
Each bullght follows the same pattern, as repetitive and relent-
less as a clock. The matador and his fellow toreros begin by testing the
bull with their capes alone, trying to divine something of its heart and
its tendencies. Then bugles sound and two men on armored horses
join the growing skirmish in the ring. These are Picassos famous pic-
For extra photos from this shoot, scan here with Esquire2.
129
of the man, the bull sometimes slipping and falling to its knees, the
crowd roaring and cheering with each desperate lunge and turn.
There was a growing intimacy between the matador and the bull
in those moments. They had become familiars in each others heat,
the way boxers know even the things about each other that they
have kept hidden from the rest of the world. After several minutes
of dancing and passes, it was nally time for the moment of truth.
Puerta exchanged his sword for a heavier one, this one made of
steel. He turned toward the white bull, now drooling and spent.
Penlope Cruz lifts her perfect eyebrows from her bottomless
brown eyes at the mention of Sundays entertainment. The bull-
ghts? she says. The bullghts? she says again, as though she
has never heard the word. Her mouth turns down at its corners.
She is impossibly beautiful. When she walks into a room, men
start walking into furniture. Up close, however, she becomes al-
most hard to look at, like staring into the most unattering mirror.
When we meet strangers, we begin scanning their faces for their
strengths and vulnerabilities, for the lights and scars that will tell
us something about who they are and the life they have lived. Cruz
has no physical aws, the bent noses and crooked teeth we would
normally use as signiers. Her face contains no secrets, at least not
about her. But her face tells you and the room plenty about you. If
you want to feel like the worlds most judged man, sit down at a ta-
ble in a restaurant with the Sexiest Woman Alive.
She is eating lunch at her favorite restaurant in Madrids northern
suburbs. She is from here, and she comes to this restaurant all the time.
She will even eat dinner here tonight, too, with Pedro Almodvar, her
great friend and mentor, the director of ve of her movies, and the
biggest source of inspiration, she says. She will not talk about the
new lm she is planning with Almodvar, however, or even if they are
planning one, or what else they might discuss this evening. Maybe, as
they have so often, they will talk about technique and expression and
meaning. Maybe they will talk about what art they might make together
next and what they might give to and take from each other to make it.
When she was very young, she would lie about her age and go see
Almodvars movies alone, the better to dissect them. She can remem-
ber staggering out of Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! and making up her
mind to become an actress just so she could meet
him, to thank him for how he had made her feel.
She has continued to apprentice for him
since. She is insatiable in her learning. She
speaks four languages and dreams in many
more. (Sometimes her husband, Javier Bar-
dem, speaks to her in the language he spoke in
No Country for Old Men, and she has to run out
of the house.) She is always hungry, she says.
She orders the chuletn de buey, a huge slab
of bone-in rib-eye steak, seared on the outside
and covered with coarse salt. When it arrives,
the beef is so rare that it is crimson and gleam-
ing in the middle. If it ever had a relationship
with re, their time together was insignicant
and short. She stabs her fork into her rst thick
slice and cuts into it with her knife.
done, its carcass dragged out of the ring by a team of festooned
horses, a red carpet of blood in its wake.
Then Sundays second young matador, Milln, entered the ring
with his narrow, raised face. His rst bull, the nights second
black, mercifullyowned a heart that proved elusive. Milln looked
capable, as certain as Puerta had been. His killing stance was elab-
orate and clearly honed. He thrust out his jaw along with his sword
and opened and closed his mouth like a sturgeon. He looked more
like a beast than the bull did just then.
Suddenly, Milln exploded, racing forward to make his nal thrust,
his estocada, only to feel his sword ring off some bone or knot of sinew
in the back of the bull and fall to the sand. Another try and the
sword bounced off again. A third try and the sword was partial-
ly into the bull, but not nearly deep enough to kill it. Eventually
the black bull shook out the sword, and Milln went to the fence
for another one, as though the sharpness of his instrument were
at fault and not his eye.
Thats when the crowd ran out of patience and began really
jeering and whistling in derision. The spectators who remained
had come to witness death, but they wanted to see the right kind
of death, delivered the right way. Milln faced down the black
bull, now cornered against the fence, and one more time he some-
how missed the mark. The ght had now become clumsy and aw-
ful, even for the most generous or ruthless of the watchers. It was
possible in that moment to see every necessary and excruciating
thing that pride doesin the bull that would not die and the mat-
ador who could not surrender. That black bull had taken some-
thing from Milln that he could never get back, even after he had
nally pushed his sword deep enough into its heart to quiet it. In
its death, the black bull had won its revenge. It had learned how
to survive longer than the man who had killed it.
like a castle. She will not discuss the evolution of her relation-
ship with Bardem, for instance, whom she rst met lming Jamn
Jamn, at age seventeen, but didnt marry until four years ago. That
is for us, she says. She declines to talk about her recent mother-
hood (a three-year-old son and a daughter who just turned one)
except to say that family is everything to her and the reason we
have not seen much of her lately. More surprisingly, she does not
want to say too much about the movie shes just lmedthe Span-
ish-language Ma Masaying only that her character suffers from
an illness she will not reveal. Nor does she want to say too much
about the movie shes about to makeGrimsby, with Sacha Baron
Cohenfor reasons that are just as foggy. (She says shes been
watching famous speeches to prepare for her part; she will not
say which speeches.) She has asked not to be asked about one of
her rare public demonstrations of anticalculus, her controversial
signing of an open group letter in the Spanish media condemning
the Israeli bombing of Gaza. Instead, she refersat the table, in
personto a statement released by her publicist as her nal word
on the subject. (My only wish and intention in signing that group
letter is the hope that there will be peace it reads in part.)
Maybe thats why Almodvar likes her so muchbecause her se-
crets go far deeper than her perfect face. After more than two decades
of public life, Cruz has managed to remain a mystery. Its as though
she wants us to decide who she really is, and she can be whatever
we want her to be. She might not be sure herself. She says she of-
ten confuses the memories and experiences of her characters with
her real life, a perpetual blurring, as though shes become one more
of her conjurings. She doesnt feel like the sexiest woman alive, she
saysshe feels like a mother who doesnt get enough sleep; Bardem
is lming in South Africa, and she is anxious to return to her chil-
drenbut given the role, she will play it. Assume a virtue, if you
have it not, Cruz says, quoting Hamlet. It is one of her favorite lines.
She has little more to say. She picks her splattered white napkin
off her lap and rises from her chair. All that remains on her plate is
a bone and a puddle of blood.
edged too close to this bull, too, and was caught again, launched from
his feet and into the screaming air as though hed stepped on a land
mine. Once again, he got up, but now he was more obviously hurt, de-
spite his mask of bravado. He was struggling. He walked to the wooden
fence and picked up his steel sword, and it looked heavy in his hands.
Valencia limped to his place in front of the last bull. He adjusted
his grip on his sword and took a breath. He assumed his nishing
stance, the slightest tremor in his shoulders. He nodded, to himself
or to the bull or both. And then he charged and the bull froze, and
Valencia saw his opening for a greater glory and threw his cape to
the sand, because he was determined that he wouldnt need it any-
more. He had made up his mind that this would be the end, and he
plunged his sword to its hilt.
The blade missed the bulls spine but found its heart. For just a mo-
ment, the bull stayed on its feet, and Valencia, his hands now empty,
stood a yard or two in front of it. They regarded each other, the mat-
ador and the bull with the sword in its back, and Valencia began to
wave one of his hands at the bull, back and forth, the way a conduc-
tor would guide his orchestra through a soft, nearly silent movement,
until the bull staggered and then fell, the applause of the crowd the
last thing of the world it would hear, and the empty hands of its killer
the last thing it would see, waving it to its death.
F
O
R

M
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E

P
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L
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E
,

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E
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E
.
130 E S QU I R E NOV E MB E R 2 0 1 4
THE
VODKA
OTHER
VODKAS
DREAM
ABOUT.
SAVOR STOLI
RESPONSIBLY. Stolichnaya
Prem
THE
SECOND
SEXIEST
CENTERFOLD
IN THIS
MAGAZINE.
be earth and hell have nally been satised,
and there is hope for common cause once
again. From many members in both houses
of Congress, I have heard bipartisan loath-
ing for Senator Cruz of Texas. Hardly an era
of good feeling, but its a start.
No one here respects that guy, Congress-
man Kurt Schrader of Oregon, a Democrat, tells
me. And yet he has this great following out-
side the building. And no one respects him in
his own party in the Senate. Its really a trav-
esty, Mark. Its really a travesty.
Not long ago, animated by the public mood
about Congress and its current historic in-
eptitude and extremism, we decided to talk
to members of Congress, from both hous-
es and both parties, to nd out what their
problem was. And they started talking, of-
ten at length and in surprisingly thought-
ful ways, about their jobs. I ended up talk-
ing to ninety membersa third of the Senate, more than a tenth
of the House. They have all been eager to talk, as if they wanted to
get something off their chest. They represent the full ideological
spectrum, and the full orid bouquet of American accents, and an
almost astonishing variety of biography. There are women com-
bat veterans and Hindus and members who take their oath of of-
ce with left hand on the Bhagavad Gitaand all of that is just one
congresswoman, Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii. There are preachers
and physicists and car salesmen and former All-Pro tackles and
civil-rights heroes. There are hard ideologues and conciliators,
partisan warriors and declared independents. Some are voluble,
some are terse, some are jovial and deant, some have just about
had it and seem depressed. Thats what happens when you dont
have meaningful work, says a Democratic congresswoman from
New Mexico, Michelle Lujan Grisham.
But who really cares about the sad plight of members of Congress?
I had $42 million dropped into my 2012 race by outside groups$42
milliona record that will likely be exceeded this year in North Car-
olina, now that the Supreme Court has become almost an arm of cor-
porate America. Im not whining about this, says Sherrod Brown,
Democratic senator from Ohio, because nobody cares about the
problems of people in our position. No whining on the yacht!
Except, of course, that their dilemma is our disaster.
I had initially planned to ask for no more than ten minutes of
their time, basically just to ask them why they were so bad at their
job, but fairly quickly it became obvious that these were going to
be richer and deeper conversations than I had bargained for. And
along the way, something unexpected happened: I became less
angry and more sympathetic to the thresher that all of these peo-
ple nd themselves caught in. They are not whining. They are cry-
ing for help. After only a few interviews, I stopped asking, Why
are you so bad at your job? because it occurred to me that it was
a cheap question, the kind of question thats not interested in an
answer, which is just the sort of cultural deformity that got us into
this mess. Its a terrible job, being in Congress in 2014.
Its become shirts versus skins far too often, says Republican
senator Jeff Flake of Arizona. A couple of years ago, I got invited
to play basketball with the president, myself and nine other House
members. And I was in the White House in the basement lacing up
my shoes, and I got a call on my cell phone. Somehow somebody
patched it through, and it was a woman from Arizona, a constitu-
ent, crying hysterically. Dont play basketball with that man! she
said. Its become terrible. It really has.
To read extended interviews with members of Congress, scan here with Esquire2.
didnt get elected to Congress to
not get things donemost peo-
ple here want to get things done.
I didnt get elected to Congress to
make meaningless speeches on
C-SPAN and tell lies about people. I didnt
get elected to Congress to scare the hell
out of the country and drive the sides fur-
ther apart. I didnt get elected to Congress
because I love politicsI hate politics, to
be perfectly honest, and if I didnt before I
got here, I do now....
The man is very angry, about the way his life is going, about Wash-
ington, about some things he has found himself saying that he wishes
he could take backhe got carried away, total herd mentality, just so
juvenile. People in public life should take stuff back more often, apol-
ogize more, and correct course morenow that would be making a
real statement, maybe even be a breath of fresh air for the public. But
he would just be screwing himself, he goes on, because those guys at
Heritage Action or Club for Growth or Americans for Prosperity or
some other goddamn group with an Orwellian name that thrives off
of division and exists to create conict might primary him, drop $3
million on his head, and he would be dead. And the way his district is
drawn, you cant ever be conservative enough. He could get up at one
of his town halls and say that the president is a transvestite Muslim
from Mars and get a standing ovation. He wants to do the right thing
and make a public stand for greater decency and civility in public life.
But he cant. Oh, in his own quiet way he does. He has many friends
who happen to be Democrats. No matter what it seems, we dont
hate each other, he says. We are civil, we try to get to know each
other, and most of us work hard to nd areas of agreement, things
that we can make progress on. People are stunned when I tell them
that, because from the outside it just looks so bad.
At the same time, its worse than he thought it would be before
he was elected, the congressman says. Hes a Reagan Republican.
Nobody drew more lines in the sand than Reagan, nobody was more
of a partisan warrior, but Reagan didnt believe insane things about
the opposition, and there wasnt this unconscionable amount of
money in the system back then. Bribery wasnt legal yet, he says.
His voice is gruff but surprisingly gentle. I always believe things
are going to get better, he says. Hey, look. Its been worse. I mean,
we are not caning each other on the House oor. That has been done.
There is plenty of blame to go around, he saysthe Democrats in
the Senate, for instance, what a disasterbut there is only one guy
this conservative Republican congressman does acknowledge en-
mity for by name, and its not Harry Reid or Barack Obama. If you
talk to Ted Cruz, he says, tell him to stay on his side of the Capi-
tol. We have enough problems without that idiot coming over here
and screwing things up.
FOOLS ARE NOTHING NEW. There have always been
fools, and rancorous factionalism, too. What is new in
this part of history that we are living through is that we
have been taken hostage by them and by the heroes of
the Constitution and various other charlatans. But may-
139
WERE GONNA DO EXACTLY
TO YOU WHAT YOURE DOING TO US,
CHRIS COONS TOLD MARCO RUBIO.
and he faced a primary this year, and I said, Good Lord, man, what
are they gonna charge you with? And he said: Being reasonable.
Our Venn diagram, says Derek Kilmer, Democrat of Washing-
ton State, is two circles, miles apart. Just after we got here, a group
of us, Democrats and Republicans, were at a burger joint talking,
and after about forty-ve minutes, I said, We have to be able to get
our act together and gure some of these things out. And across the
table, one of my colleagues said, Derek, I like you, but you have to
understand that I won my seat by defeating a Republican incumbent
in my primary, and I campaigned against him for not being conser-
vative enough. The rst vote I cast when I got here was against John
Boehner for Speaker, and I put out a press release that I had voted
against him because he was too compromising. I like you, but I have
zero interest in compromising with you or anybody else. My con-
stituents didnt send me here to work with you; they sent me here
to stop you. I left there and called my wife and said, Oh, my God!
Were seeing the political equivalent of segregation going on in
the country, says Republican Tom Cole of Oklahoma.
AND AS EVER, THAT SEGREGATION makes it ex-
traordinarily difcult to form trusting relationships that
make working together possible. It incentivizes hyper-
partisanship and punishes compromise. But all the same,
the great majority of members interviewed said that the most reward-
ing work they ever did in Congress was in nding points of agree-
ment with a congressman or senator from the other party, working
to forge legislation that bridged the usual divides. But nobody cares
about that stuff, says Republican congressman Morgan Grifth
from Virginia. News ash: People are getting along, compromis-
ing, doing their jobs like adults doesnt have the sizzle of conict
that the media demands in order to hold your interest. I have good
relationships with several Democrats, and last year Diana DeGette
[Democrat of Colorado], Gene Green [Democrat of Texas], and I in-
troduced an important compounding-pharmacy bill to help prevent
disease outbreaks. It really matters. And gets very little attention.
Conict media. Many of them argued that because conict is re-
warded with attention, more actual conict is fostered, which is then
amplied by social media, which blasts powerful narratives at mem-
bers around the clockwho cares if theyre true?largely obscuring
their meek attempts to actually get something done. All of that drives
what most members think of as a perception gap between the way
things are and the way they seem to be. The twenty-four-hour news
cycle was mentioned by nearly every one of the members I inter-
viewed as something that makes their lives hell and, more important,
makes governing very hard. Its the coliseum, says Joaquin Castro,
Democrat of Texas. And in the coliseum, people get hurt for sport.
By some measures I am the most liberal member of the House,
says Representative Donna Edwards, Democrat of Maryland. Im
the ranking member on the Space Subcommittee of the Science Com-
mittee, and Steve Palazzo, a very conservative member from Missis-
sippi, is the subcommittee chairman. We were reauthorizing NASA
and the committee chairman just did his bill, and then there was a
party-line vote and only the amendments that he wanted were ac-
cepted, and that was going to be it. But I called Steve and said, Can
we meet for coffee? We sat down and I said, This is ridiculous that
a bill reauthorizing NASA has to be like a party-line bill. And so the
two of us just completely, you know, separate from our chairman,
WHY HAS IT BECOME SO TERRIBLE? Why, if so many members
believe that things have gone so wrong, cant they just x it? There
are reasons, they say, forces brought to bear that are beyond their
control, and these symptoms of their current malaise are all related
in a complex syndrome. In conversation after conversation, con-
gressmen and congresswomen opened up and talked about each
of these realities, regardless of party or ideology.
You know, if I had a magic wand, one thing I would love to
changewhich you cant do unless youre kingis the redistrict-
ing process by which our boundaries are drawn, says Republican
Aaron Schock of Illinois. Because what has happened over the de-
cades is he who controls the mapmaking process, you know, cre-
ates hyperpartisan districts. And you get more and more members
who come out here and say, Gee, I know that I want to accomplish
something on this issue. I want to take action on this issue, but the
base of my district is so far to the right or to the left it makes it dif-
cult for us to negotiate to the center. But whether youre the most
conservative member or youre the most liberal member, if you
have half a brain, you recognize youre not going to get everything,
and that any successful legislation requires the art of negotiation.
With the way we draw districts, with so few competitive dis-
tricts, weve bifurcated ourselves as a civilization, says Republi-
can Scott Rigell of Virginia. We get one ticket to the State of the
Union, for the gallery, and my wife attends. And this year I came
home from the speech, and she said, Scott, Im just struck by this,
that the Republican side is just all white. And then you look over on
the Democratic side, andand it really doesnt look like America, ei-
ther, you know? Its disproportionately represented the other way.
The Democratic conference in the House looks like America,
says Democrat John Lewis of Georgia, who left his blood on the
Edmund Pettus Bridge on the march from Selma to Montgomery
in 1965, and now regularly takes bipartisan groups to civil-rights
landmarks to educate his colleagues in nonviolent conict-reso-
lution techniques he learned during that period of national up-
heaval. The country is changing, Lewis says, and change makes
some people uncomfortable. But our congressional districts dont
reect that change, and there are so few competitive districts re-
maining that people only ght for or speak up or speak out for the
narrow base of people who reelect them.
James Clyburn of South Carolina points out, There are seven
people who make up the House delegation from South Carolina.
Seven. Of that seven, ones a Democrat, and thats me. Of that seven,
one is black, and thats me. Forty-four percent of the electorate is
Democratic, yet we get one Democrat in Congress. Twenty-nine
percent of the state is black, and yet we get one black in the House.
When you have these one-party districts, the only election is in
the primary, and the winner of the primary will be the one who is
closer to the views of the narrowest base, says Angus King, Inde-
pendent senator from Maine. You cant be moderate. Who votes
in primaries? You have a 10 percent turnout in a primary election
in Georgia, and Republicans are 30 percent of the population. So
10 percent of 30 percentthats 3 percent of the population voting
to choose the nominee, and then if its a multiperson race, and the
winner gets 35 percent, thats one third of 3 percent1 percent of
the population chooses the nominee, who in a gerry-
mandered district will be the eventual member of
Congress. That is bizarre, and it has completely po-
larized Congress. In the primary system that we have
now, there is no upside for a Republican to be reason-
able. I have a friend who is a very conservative senator,
went back to the drawing board and started working on trying to re-
solve some of the issues that we had. We had no idea how it would
work, but we were able to work through those, and then later in the
process we involved the chairman and the ranking member. The
four of us came up with a bill that we were able to move out of sub-
committee, then out of committee, then it went to the oor, where
I think we only had two Republicans who voted against it. Thats
what should happen with every single piece of legislation that we
do. When you remove the opportunities for members of Congress
to work with their colleagues, then theres no question that things
are going to break down along purely partisan lines. So I just picked
up the phone.
Working with members of the other party, on legislation that
matters, is the way I keep my sanity, says Erik Paulsen, Republi-
can of Minnesota. With Karen Bass [Democrat of California] and
Louise Slaughter [Democrat of New York], we worked on sex-traf-
cking legislation that just went to the presidents desk.
The thing that allowed me to connect with Marco Rubio was a
night in 2011 that the two of us are sitting there, in the back of the
chamber, says Delaware Democratic senator Chris Coons. This
was a night where it was justit was just an awful argument.
And he kinda looked at me and I looked at him, and I said, I guess
were here all night. And he says, You know, thisll all get better.
And I said, What do you mean? And he says, Well, after the elec-
tion. I said, Really. Really? You think its gonna change after the
election? He goes, Yeah! I said, Cause somehow President Rom-
ney and you guys being in the majority is magically gonna change all
this? I said, Were gonna do exactly to you what youre doing to us.
And were gonna hold you here as many nights as youre holding us.
And he looks at me and hes like, Thats depressing. I said, No, its
reality. We gotta learn to work together. And he looks at me and he
says, Have you ever even read Governor Romneys economic plan?
I said, No. Have you read President Obamas? He looks at me and
says, Does he even have one? Im like, Marco! You know, look, can
we go downstairs? So we go down to the inner-sanctum thing where,
you know, its only senators and you can have a drinknot that he
had a drinkand I said, Marco. Why dont we try this? Ill have my
economic guy sit down with your economic guy, and lets see what
we can do. Cause we ought to be able to agree on something. And
both of us, our respective political
handlers thought it was a terrible
idea, you know, What? That guy?
But we ended up nding ve ideas
that each of us were perfectly hap-
py putting our names to and would
be very good for the country. We
came up with some silly acronym
something that spells AGREEand
introduced it.
MAKING THOSE POLICY rela-
tionships harder still is the fact that most members of Congress just
dont know one another anymore. When Newt Gingrich rose to the
speakership after the 1994 election, he urged his mem-
bers to leave their families at home in their districts as
a statement against Washington, thus shortening the
congressional workweek, keeping people constantly
running either to or from the airport, and preventing
anybody from developing the relationships that make
governing possible.
Im always running back and forth to the district,
says Gene Green, Democrat from Texas. But since
Helen moved up hereshe retired from teaching in
03shes gotten to know a number of wives. In fact, she helps lead
a Bible study for congressional spouses every Wednesday. Theres
only a couple of Democrats who attend. Helen jokes she goes to
make sure theyre not praying against us. But there is a very con-
servative Republican from northern Mississippi named Alan Nun-
nelee. Helen came home from the prayer meeting one day not long
ago and said that Alans wife says he has a tumor on the brain and
had been told he needs to come to MD Anderson in Houston. And
well, I didnt know the guy, but I do a lot of work with MD Ander-
son, and here was this other human being, and he needed help
quickly. And when he was in the hospital, Helen and I went out
there two or three times to see him. Now, I have never voted like
Alan, but in Washington we do not often enough look on each oth-
er as fellow human beings.
When I rst came to the Senate, people in both parties went out
of their way to have personal relationships, says Senator Patrick
Leahy, Democrat of Vermont. I remember being there for about
a few months and Hubert Humphrey said, Have you been to Mos-
cow? Well, no, I said. And he said, I want you and Marcelle to
come. And I didnt have any money, I was at broke, and I blurted
out, What do you suppose the airfare is to Moscow? And he said,
No, were gonna take Jerrys plane. And I said, Jerry who? And
he said, Jerry Ford. Hes the president. Dont you read the papers?
Humphrey led the delegation. His Republican counterpart, Hugh
Scott, the Republican leader, came also. There were other senior
and junior senators from both parties. I had just turned thirty-ve,
and I was with this group representing my country. And we would
build relationships, talk about where our kids went to school, the
vital business of daily life, which then enabled us to work togeth-
er on the vital business of the United States. Those relationships
dont happen so much anymore.
And any spare moment that in the past may have been used to
build trust between the members of Congress is now spent begging
for money, particularly since the Citizens United Supreme Court
ruling, which permitted unlimited spending by corporations or as-
sociations in support of political candidates. And its not just front
line membersthose in tightly contested districtswho have to
spend their allotment of hours per week at the call center, work-
ing donors. Its everybody. Some members report having to spend
thirty hours a week on fundraising alone.
When you look at the cost of a House seat nowwhich is about
$1.6 million or somethingyouve got to raise that money, says
Donna Edwards. And particularly for our candidates and for in-
cumbent members who are in these really tough districts. I mean
theyve got to raise double or triple that to win their seat. And they
have to do it every two years. Its a never-ending hustle. You get
elected to this august body to x problems, and for the privilege,
you nd yourself on the phone in a cubicle, dialing for dollars.
And as if that werent bad enough . . .
Theres an entire industry in Washington that makes money on
conict, says Republican Adam Kinzinger of Illinois. Some of these
outside groupsyou know, your Club for Growth types, and your
Heritage Action, and your FreedomWorksthey go out and they
ITS A NEVER-ENDING HUSTLE,
SAYS DONNA EDWARDS. YOU GET
ELECTED TO THIS AUGUST BODY
TO FIX PROBLEMS, AND FOR THE
PRIVILEGE, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN
A CUBICLE, DIALING FOR DOLLARS.
141
THE PARTIES HAVE SET UP A
SYSTEM OF SLANDER AND
MISTRUST, SAYS REID RIBBLE.
AND THEN YOU GET HERE AND
YOURE SUPPOSED TO MAKE
NICE RIGHT AWAY.
fund raise by saying that Republicans arent sufciently conservative.
Or they pick an issue to go to war on because they can stir the base
and raise money on it and pay their big salaries. And what that does
in the long run is it takes what would be a solid Republican agenda
and causes chaos. And they do the same thing on the Democrat side,
you know? If Democrats want to reach out and work with Republi-
cans, you have these groups that will stir the base and say, If theyre
working with Republicans, theyre capitulating. So theres a very
destructive cottage industry that exists on Hey, we can raise nice
salaries for ourselves by just raising peoples ire with Washington.
As for the outside money: Theres a phalanx of extremists on
the Republican side who, in a better world, would be a rump group
who sensible people ignored as we went about the business of gov-
erning, says Senator Sheldon Whitehouse, Democrat of Rhode
Island. And youd be able to forge bipartisan coalitions on major
issues, and the extremists would be relegated to hopping up and
down in the back benches. Thats been a political phenomenon
in parliaments and legislatures, you know, through history. But
here, those extremists control or represent a great deal of mon-
ey, an enormous amount of political threat that can be brought to
bear against their own colleagues. Thats where the outside mon-
ey comes in. If youre just a plain conservative Republican and not
an extreme Tea Partyite, you are very anxious about the combina-
tion of the Koch brothers producing a candidate who has untold
millions of dollars in outside money coming in for him, in your pri-
mary, while the right-wing TV and radio echo chamber suddenly
tees off on you, out of the clear blue sky. And then youve got Rush
Limbaugh and Ann Coulter vilifying you. And the next thing you
know, youre all done. And its not the merits of their ideas, it is not
the appeal of their personalitiesit is the raw political weight of
Citizens United money.
On all of thatthe crippling effects of the money, the empowered
extremes, the outside pressuresthere is general agreement among
the scores of legislators I spoke to. But that is where agreement ends.
IN TALKING TO SO many mem-
bers of Congress, you discover
many things. You discover, for
instance, that Congressman
Cedric Richmond, Democrat of
Louisiana, has an eighty-mile-
an-hour fastball, and that last
year he shut out the Republi-
cans in the Congressional Baseball Game
220. This year at Nationals Park, Rich-
mond showed mercy and beat them by on-
ly 156. I was out of practice, he says.
You also discover anguish and anger, a sur-
prising candor, a deep degree of thoughtful-
ness, a great deal of humor. This comes as
something of a surprise, given the dimmer
lights who so often represent their institu-
tion on TV. You wonder if you might be peel-
ing each member off the herd one at a time,
the act of isolation itself shocking them into
reasonableness, only to then have them re-
turn to the mania of their respective mobs.
You discover new terms at the heart of
the conict, like messaging bills, which
the House has passed in the hundreds but
are purely political documents, meant to
satiate the base but worthless as policy and
to the public; and lling the tree, which
sounds poetic and bountiful but is instead
toxic, as it refers to the prerogative of the
majority leader in the Senate to ll up the
amendment tree, thus preventing any-
body else from offering amendments of
any kind; and regular order, which ev-
eryone claims to want restored, but which
no one can dene.
You also discover the broad embarrass-
ment and anger among members of both par-
ties that the public might associate them with
the antics of people like Senator Ted Cruz
and Republican congressmen Louie Gohmert and Steve Kingav-
atars of a conict that is deep and real, but also agitators in favor of
dysfunction. Member after member fumed to me about those who
measure success in terms of how many things they can stop, how
much disruption they can sow, how much ill will they can foster,
and how that ill will, lapped up by an eager press, is self-perpetuat-
ing. If you dont want to legislate, maybe you shouldnt run for the
legislature, says Congressman Tom Cole of Oklahoma.
You discover that the toxicity in the partisanship is owing to the
president (Leonard Lance, R-New Jersey), the president (Mick
Mulvaney, R-South Carolina), the president (Marsha Blackburn,
R-Tennessee), and You have to include the presidents race in the
equation, (Senator Debbie Stabenow, D-Michigan), Some of it is
race (Gene Green, D-Texas), We have an African-American presi-
dent (Joyce Beatty, D-Ohio). I have come to this conclusion, says
Beatty, because no one else can offer me another answer.
And you discover that the underlying institutional conicts rage
on unceasingly.
Ninety percent of the good days I have are good days because
I have a good attitude, and 90 percent of the bad days I have are
when I have a bad attitude. And right now, 100 percent of the Senate
days, people have a bad attitude, says Republican senator Johnny
Isakson of Georgia. And that is caused in large measure because
of the nuclear option that Harry Reid exercised [changing Senate
rules to allow simple-majority votes on judicial nominees and ex-
ecutive-branch appointments, and removing the opportunity for
libusters in those cases]. And also mischaracterization of things
like the libuster. To merely refuse to vote for cloture and protract
debate does not mean youre libustering a nominee or an amend-
ment or a legislation. That got repeated in the reporting to where
everybody thought we were down there holding everybody up. We
werent holding everybody up.
I feel like the rule change was the best thing for the country, and
the best thing for the Senate, and it should have been done a long
time ago, says Tim Kaine, Democratic senator of Virginia. The
framers didnt intend for approval of presidential nominees to be
by a supermajority vote, or they would have put it in the Constitu-
tion, which they did for certain kinds of votes, like treaty ratica-
tions. But the Senate rules were being abused to turn every nom-
ination into a supermajority vote. A president was elected. That
president should have the popular mandate to assemble a lead-
ership team, but there was, really, the nullication of laws going
on. . . . We dont like the National Labor Relations Board, but we cant
muster the votes to destroy it, so lets just not put people on it. We are
worried about what lling judicial vacancies might meanwe got
to ll up a lot of people, we dont want the Democrats to be able to
but we cant change the law about the number of judges on the D. C.
Circuit, so well just block every nominee. We have donors who hate
the idea that the federal government is involved in the housing in-
dustry, but if we put in a bill to destroy the FHFA, or Fannie or Fred-
die, the real estate industry will say, Youre crazy! so we just wont
approve a new head of the FHFA. We were never wild about Med-
icaid and Medicare, so we wont approve a CMS administrator for
six and a half years! There was an effort by Republicans to destroy
programs of governmentthat they could not defund or legally
eliminateby not approving appointees, in a way that was com-
pletely contrary to the law.
Republicans are not going to put up with it! Were sick of it!
says Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah. The Senate has emasculat-
ed itself and put us at the whim of what is, in my view, a political-
ly destructive president. Let me tell you, when the Republicans
take back the Senate, the Democrats will need to be taught a les-
son. They will regret changing the rules. Some more senior mem-
bers already do. And then Harry lls the tree and doesnt allow
amendments? Because he doesnt want his members to take dif-
cult votes? Thats why were here, to take tough votes! And why
doesnt he bring up any of the more than 350 bills that have passed
the House, most of which passed with bipartisan support? Theyre
all sitting on Harry Reids desk.
They can do 364 bills, they can do 3,640 bills, and its all just
partisan sausage cranking, says Senator Sheldon Whitehouse,
Democrat of Rhode Island. Theres good reason that we dont
waste our time picking all that stuff up. It hasnt gone through the
basic work of bipartisanship that is a requirement in the Senate.
Thats hogwash, says Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz. I had
two bills pass unanimously. Its hard to get more bipartisan than
that! Thats just a smokescreen to keep the Sen-
ate from having to make votes. How do we x this?
Vote!
All those bills the House passed? says Pete Gal-
lego, Democrat of Texas. Well, weve gotten pretty
good at naming post ofces.
I think Harry Reid is probably the worst thing
that has ever happened to the institution of Con-
gress, says Idaho Republican Ral Labrador.
Every morning, John Boehner wakes up and he asks himself
a question: Am I going to be Speaker of the Tea Party today, or
am I going to be Speaker of the House of Representatives? says
Senator Sherrod Brown of Ohio. If hes going to be Speaker of
the Tea Party, theres going to be no chance for any kind of main-
stream, bipartisan movement forward on almost any issue. If hes
going to be Speaker of the House, he can almost always put a ma-
jority together with a number of people from both parties, and
get something done.
There isnt a Democratic senator of long standing who was en-
thusiastic about the rule change. You can check your notes, and it is
those senators who just got here who demanded it, says Republi-
can senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma. The Senate is injured se-
verely, because once you decide to break the rules, then no rules
have impact anymore. Those senators who have more experience
understand that.
Harry Reid had no choice, says Senator Stabenow, who has been
in the Senate since 2001. I voted to give President Bush his leader-
ship team. The same respect has never been offered this president.
Its simple. The president deserves to have his nominees voted
on, says Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, in the Senate since 1996.
I had opposed the rules change in years past, but supported it this
time because in all my time I had never seen anything like this ob-
struction, says Patrick Leahy of Vermont, in the Senate since 1975.
Its pretty easy for us to put the blame on Harry Reid and say, Ya
know, Harry lls the tree and doesnt give us any amendments and
by God, were gonna put all the blame on him! says Republican sen-
ator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia. But the fact of the matter is, too,
that we have some folks who are bound and determined to come
up with some wild and crazy amendments that are intended to be
purely political amendments rather than doing the business we
were sent here to do in a very serious way.
[continued on page 174]
THE CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP
ON BOTH SIDES, I MEAN, THOSE
GUYS DONT LEGISLATE ANYMORE,
SAYS TOM COLE. THEY PLOT.
143
CANT STAND CONGRESS? DISAPPOINTED, FRUSTRATED, FED UP WITH THE INEFFECTIVENESS
AND THE FECKLESSNESS AND THE FINGER POINTING? US, TOO. AND SO ARE FOUR OF THE
INSTITUTIONS MOST PROMINENT RECENT MEMBERS, WHO CAME TOGETHER TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE ESQUIRE COMMISSION TO FIX CONGRESS WILL NOW REPORT ITS
FINDINGS, IN THE FORM OF A TWENTY-TWO-POINT PLAN.
I L L U S T R AT I O N B Y B A R R Y F A L L S
BY RI CHARD DORME NT
What makes these men different from other Americans, though,
is that theyve all worked in Congress, and most of them even helped
lead it. They know what the 535 men and women in the House and
Senate are up againstthe complexities of a bicameral legislature,
the power of rules both written and received, the armies of lobby-
ists and good-government meter maids and constituents with ex-
pensive tastes and short memories. They understand the frustra-
tions of legislative inertia and crummy approval ratings. And they
recognize that its one thing for Americans to treat Congress like a
punching bagwhich is only right and fairand another for them
to treat it like a punchline, a joke, which is what it has become and
which, when you think about it, isnt really funny at all.
So over two days, these former leaders will take a break from
their political afterlives and talk in detail about how they would
x Congress if they still held their gavels. These men, the very
pictures of sobriety, if a little sweaty, will debate and discuss and
cut deals to nd consensus on a series of enforceable, actionable
measures that would strengthen Congress and protect it from
even the worst political gridlock.
Consensus? Hard enough to nd at the average American
dinner table and even harder to hope for when youve got this
much vintage brass in one room: Tom Daschle and Trent Lott,
two Senate majority leaders from opposing sides of the Clin-
ton-era culture wars; Bob Livingston and Barney Frank, two
might-have-been Speakers of the House (the former once hav-
ing voted to expel the latter from the chamber for behavior
unbecoming); and two former high-level staffers to help run
the show: Alan Frumin, a longtime Senate parliamentarian, to
advise on matters of precedent and procedure; and Lawrence
ODonnell, the host of his own show on MSNBC and a chief of
staff to the Senate Finance Committee at a time when big bi-
partisan deals actually crossed the presidents desk, to moder-
ate and lead the Commission.
Together they make up the Esquire Commission to Fix Congress,
with the only ground rule being that their recommendations must
be unanimous. Unanimity would be hard, but it would be the only
way to ensure that this Commissiontheir Commissioncould
rise above partisanship, above the rotten state of our politics.
ts a scorcher in the nations capital, and the AC is on the fritz.
Somewhere in this sprawling redbrick ofce complex not far
from the White House, someone is working on getting the cool
air up and running, but in the meantime suit jackets come off,
revealing freshly pressed dress shirts that billow liberally.
Deeply lined brows are wiped with linen handkerchiefs. Some-
one whos read too much Robert Caro might interpret this scene
as the power move of a
latter-day LBJcut the
air, make em sweat till they give inbut
that is not what is going on here. Six men
have gathered in this room because, like
nine out of ten of their fellow Ameri-
cans, they dont like whats happening
in the United States Congress right now.
YOU CANT RUN THE
COUNTRY ON WEDNESDAYS.
he last to arrive and the rst to talk business is
Tom Daschle, the soft-spoken son of South Da-
kota, who chooses a seat across the table from his
friend Trent Lott, he of the magnicent hair. Both
served in the House of Representatives in the seventies and eighties
before switching to the Senate and leading their respective parties
as minority and/or majority leaders during the Clinton impeach-
ment, 9/11, the anthrax attacks, and other turn-of-the-century night-
mares. Following their collective sixty years in Congress, both chose
to stay and work in D. C. (Lott as a full-time lobbyist with Squire Pat-
ton Boggs, and Daschle as a strategic advisor for the clients of DLA
Piper, the richest law rm in the world); both are deeply involved in
the Bipartisan Policy Center, a think tank whose recent report, Gov-
erning in a Polarized America: A Bipartisan Blueprint to Strength-
en our Democracy, helped shape our meetings agenda; and both
seem to relish the unlikeliness of their Bosom Buddy friendship.
Daschle begins by pointing to a signal change in the lives of
members of Congress. The airplane, he says, accommodates
peoples schedules in a way that didnt occur thirty years ago. Peo-
ple leave on Thursdays, they come back on Tuesdays, and they
try to govern on Wednesdays, so number one, they dont get to
know each other; and number two, they dont really get to deal
with the legislative process as most of us knew it.
Bob Livingston, a redwood of a man who represented parts of
New Orleans in the House for twenty-two years and chaired the
powerful Appropriations Committee for four of them, nods along
in agreement. When I started in the House [in 1977], we came in
on Monday morning and there was discussion on Monday after-
noon. We had committee and subcommittee meetings on Tuesdays,
Wednesdays, and Thursdays in the morning and then debate on the
oors in the afternoons, and then we all got together, often in a bi-
partisan fashion, in the evenings. And it was a regular functioning
organization. Today it is totally broken. Republicans dont know
Republicans, Democrats dont know Democrats, and its because
theyre not here. I think Newt [Gingrich] started it: Leave your fam-
ilies at home. Youll be closer to the people and its great politics.
Now were seeing people, adds Frank, running for Congress
on the notion that Congress is a terrible place. (He means Repub-
licans, whom he holds primarily responsible for the polarization
that this Commission and its recommendations have to overcome.)
Governments a terrible idea, and therefore you should minimize
government and minimize your stay there.
Livingston shakes his head knowingly. Thats what has them
leaving on Thursdays and coming back on Tuesdays and doing all
that work in less than forty-eight hours, he says. You cant run
145
the minority; I would not vote to eliminate it. However, every-
one agrees that things have gotten out of hand.
[Lyndon] Johnson had one cloture vote in six years, Daschle
says of the tactic by which the majority leader can cut off debate
(and end a libuster). There have been 341 votes in the last six
years. There are just so many opportunities to libuster: the mo-
tion to proceed, the bill itself, amendments to the bill, going to con-
ference. Wheres the pain to libusters? Theres no pain involved,
meaning that the mere threat to libuster works just as well as a l-
ibuster and doesnt require anybody to stand up all night and talk.
Everyone agrees in principle to some degree of reform, though
Lott, more than the others, is wary of any sweeping changes: I
dont want to get people thinking that libusterings bad, he
says. It is a unique, important part of the history of the Senate
which gives every single senator a role to play. But the number of
times you can delay an issue, Im just not comfortable with that.
Options for libuster reform quickly boil down to two specif-
ic steps in the legislative processthe
motion to proceed (i.e., the point when
the majority leader can bring up a bill
for consideration) and the motion to
request a conference committee to rec-
oncile Senate and House versions of
the same billwith all the Commis-
sioners agreeing to limit a members
ability to libuster either motion. Nei-
ther one is a silver bullet that would fa-
cilitate the passage of a bipartisan bill
related to, say, immigration reform
or border security (to name but two
pressing issues that have been stalled or blocked recently), but be-
tween them they remove two key impediments to potential progress.
Daschle even goes one better, offering a proposal that would
turn the libuster on its head: Instead of requiring sixty votes to
overcome the threat of a libuster, the Senate would require for-
ty-one votes to sustain one. This would put the burden on any giv-
en senator to have forty of his peers backing him up, and it would
make each one of them accountable for any obstruction of a bill.
And this change would require that a member actually be there
to voteright now you can threaten to libuster and leave town.
[The current system] lets people duck a bit: Oh, I didnt vote on
that, explains Frank. But if youre gonna keep the libuster,
putting the burden on the libusterers would be very helpful.
Lott, hesitant to endorse any changes that might render the
Senate that much less unique, asks for a day to think about the
60/41 switch as well as a proposed change that would, in the ab-
sence of a very good reason, automatically discharge a nominee
held up in committee after ninety days and get his or her name to
the oor for due consideration. (In general, senators dont want
the Senate to become the House, where a simple majorityor,
as Frank calls it, democracyrules.)
The agenda moves on to other topics on which the group nds
broad consensus:
> Strengthen the roles of committees and subcommittees in both
chambers and limit the power of leadership to rewrite bills that
have already cleared committee. (Livingston: Everythings being
done by the White House and the congressional leadership,
and the junior members really dont even know why theyre here.
Because they have no power. Being a member of a strong com-
the country on Wednesdays. America is a full-time nation, and it
demands a full-time Congress.
Lemma ask you, says Lott to the room. Have you ever dis-
cussed [a ve-day workweek] with members? What did they say
about it? I dont know that Ive asked them.
I have, says Livingston. Once, when he was in the leadership,
I said, Were gonna be in for ve days, and I caught a lot of ak
from some of the members in the Midwest. ODonnell speaks up
for said Midwest contingent: Wouldnt a ve-day workweek disad-
vantage the way, way out-of-towners? Wouldnt that mean those
members would have to move their families to D. C. or risk barely
seeing them? Wouldnt it mean fewer opportunities to raise mon-
ey in their home states or districts? To a man, the Commissioners
agreed, thats exactly what it would mean, and such a move would
revolutionize how legislators live and work.
It would not be enough, however, to ensure that members of the
two chambers would work like normal professionals: They would
have to work together. Weve been in
a period recently where the House is
in session while the Senates out. Then
the Senates in session and the House
is out, says Lott. I had trouble with
it when I was the majority leader,
too. Newt was the Speaker and [Dick]
Armey was the majority leader, and I
would meet with Armey to say Okay,
look: Our bills are passing like ships in
the night.
So the rst order of business, come
to unanimously, is to mandate a ve-
day workweek (with three weeks of every month spent in ses-
sion and one week on break) and to coordinate the two chambers
schedules so theyre in session at the same time. No more rac-
ing home to the district on Thursdays for fundraisers and family
time. No more disassociating themselves from the Washington
elite. Being a member of Congress would be a full-time, all-in job.
WHERES THE
PAIN TO FILIBUSTERS?
f all the assembled legislators, Frank was the
most recent to pack up his ofce and head home.
A progressive Democrat whom Tip ONeill once
gured would be the rst Jewish Speaker of the
House, Frank represented Massachusettss blue-collar Fourth
District from 1981 to 2013, rising to oversee the Financial Services
Committee just as the economy was tanking. Even now, with a
new husband, a new goatee, and a new teaching gig at Harvard,
hes still a bull looking for a china shop. Which is exactly what
he nds when talk turns to the libuster, the parliamentary tac-
tic through which any senator can block or delay action on a bill.
The libuster is undemocratic, Frank says. Abolish it altogeth-
er. It undermines the functioning of the government.
Franks preference notwithstanding, theres not much appe-
tite from the rest of the Commission for doing away with the l-
ibustereven Livingston, a fellow House veteran with no great
love for Senate traditions, sees value in it: The construction of
the Constitution was to provide checks and balances so the ma-
jority doesnt tyrannize the minority. Filibusters a protection for
LAWRENCE
O DONNELL
SENATOR
TRENT LOTT
SENATOR
TOM DASCHLE
REPRESENTATIVE
BARNEY
FRANK
REPRESENTATIVE
BOB
LI VI NGSTON
P
H
O
T
O
G
R
A
P
H

B
Y

E
V
E
L
Y
N

H
O
C
K
S
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I
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mittee gives junior members a greater say in the makeup of a bill.)
> Change the amendment process in the House to limit the abili-
ty of a single member to kill a bill or delay its passage indenitely.
> Change the amendment process in the Senate so the majority
leader cant ll the amendment tree, or make it so that mem-
bers of the minority cant offer amendments.
And moresee The Report, oppositeand as cold air slow-
ly, silently lls the room and the temperature drops, the rst day
comes to a close and it becomes clear there are to be no crippling
ideological clashes among these former masters of the Senate and
House. In fact, when Daschle has to cut out a few minutes ear-
ly, he gives his proxy to Trent, so commingled are the minds of
these ideological opposites.
FORTY HOURS, JUST
FUNDRAISING. FOR FRESHMEN.
aschle arrives on the second day having just at-
tended a fundraiser for a friend, and the topic
of campaign nance is on the brain. I heard
that the Democratic leadership, during fresh-
man orientation, said to them, Our strong advice is you spend
thirty hours a week fundraising, in calling, and ten hours going
to events. Forty hours, just fundraising. For freshmen. (When
they would sit on committees, see to their constituents, spend
time on the oor of Congress, spend time with their families
well, thats why they have staff.)
The relationship between elected ofcials and their constituents
has seldom been more fraught, in part because social media have
demolished the traditional means of airing grievances (writing
letters, circulating petitions) but also because the Supreme Court
has ruled that free money equals free speech and that anyone, from
anywhere, can spend as much money as they want to inuence any
race. A random congressman from, say, the Florida Second doesnt
have to worry just about watching his mouth or the small-business
owners in Tallahasseehes got to worry about the Koch brothers
or Mike Bloomberg nancing some Astroturf opposition.
To fend off such opposition, legislators not only are increas-
ingly careful about sticking to a script (party-line voting in both
chambers has never been higher) but are also raising money like
its their job, because it is. Several proposals come up that would
limit the extent to which legislators would be allowed to fund-
raise while in ofcebut the Commissioners determine theyre
mostly unworkable. (Frank crystallized their realpolitik resis-
tance with a quote from a fellow Bostonian, Martin Lomasney:
Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can
nod. Never nod when you can wink. As long as there are eyes
to wink and see, votes are up for grabs.) What can be forbidden,
though, are individual-member PACs, or so-called Leadership
PACs, which are relatively new to Washington and which ef-
fectively monetize inuence. Frank offers a denition by way
of clarication: Its a way for any member to get larger contri-
butions and then in turn become a dispenser and buy inuence.
It shouldnt be called a Leadership PAC. It should be called I
wanna buy my way into the Leadership PAC.
These PACs play to the worst impulses of partisanshipone
member using his PAC to fund the opponent of another mem-
ber or, worse, to nance issue ads against the memberand the
Commissioners all agree that prohibiting them is just one way they
can leech the poison from the current campaign-nance system.
Another would be to limit the number of committees any given
member can serve on; with committee assignments come lob-
bying dollars and industry donors, and the number of commit-
tees one serves on can quickly become something of a cash grab.
(Besides: It would be nice if members werent so oversubscribed
and could actually focus on the work of, say, two committees.)
What about earmarks? asks Livingston, seemingly out of no-
where. He stands up from the table so he can go feed the parking
meter. (The day before, he got a twenty-ve-dollar parking tick-
et, andfull disclosureEsquire paid the penalty. That repre-
sents the sum total we paid the Commissioners for their efforts.)
The crowd goes wild. There is instant and unanimous sup-
port for bringing back so-called earmarks, or those provisions by
which congressmen can direct federal dollars to projects or ini-
tiatives that benet their constituents. (In 2011, leaders of both
chambers agreed to a formal ban on them in the interest of com-
bating corruption and cutting the budget. Instead, they basically
limited transparency and oversight for many spending projects
that would happen anyway.) The point wouldnt be to deny the
quid pro quo at the heart of earmarks (or, for that matter, all pol-
itics, everywhere), but rather to make ofcials more accountable
for their efforts on behalf of constituents, donors, and lobbyists.
As it turns out, most ofcials want to be held accountable. Peo-
ple talk about secret earmarks, says Frank of the caricature of
corrupt legislators working in the dead of night to secure fund-
ing for their district. I never had an earmark that I didnt want
to tell everyone about!
MAYBE THEY OUGHT TO DO A
LITTLE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR.
he rest of the Commissions time is devoted to
nalizing old businessLott commits to mak-
ing libusters subject to forty-one afrmative
votes and to the get-out-of-committee-jail card
for presidential nomineesand to summarily dismissing some
remaining issues. The idea of minimizing the importance of se-
niority in both chambers hits a brick wall, since individual cir-
cumstances can vary from chamber to chamber, and one commit-
tees grizzled old coot can be anothers master legislator.
The role of leadership comes up time and again, particularly
as it relates to the tools available to Senators Reid and McCon-
nell and Representatives Pelosi and Boehner to corral their cau-
cuses and keep the parties in line. And when asked why none of
the agreed-upon initiatives arent already in place, the answers
go straight to the top:
Daschle: Weve evolved into a far more leadership-centric en-
vironment, and all of this is anti-leadership-centric. This is real-
ly putting the power back in chairs and in members.
Frank: This would erode their power and their control of
the process.
Lott: The Speaker is not gonna like the idea that he cant just
decide No, were not gonna send this to conference.
Reid and McConnell, Pelosi and Boehner: bipartisan bogey-
men, except they can be held hostage to the demands of individu-
al members and member caucuses that elect them to their posts.
You need to look at the mortality rate of the leaders, Democrat
and Republican speakers and majority [continued on page 176]
has twenty-one. This measure would al-
low them to devote uninterrupted time
to conducting hearings, shaping legisla-
tion, and the other work required of their
committees, shielding them from arbi-
trary and unpredictable disruptions.
IV
UPON CONSIDERATION OF A BILL
IN THE SENATE, THERE SHALL
BE AT LEAST TEN AMENDMENTS (IF
OFFERED) IN ORDER, GIVEN IN
ALTERNATING ORDER BETWEEN
SENATORS OF BOTH PARTIES.
This would effectively prohibit the prac-
tice of lling the tree, a parliamenta-
ry tactic by which the Senate majority
leader can block any amendments to a
bill. There would be no requirement that
such amendments be considered ger-
mane to the bill.
V
END THE FILIBUSTER ON THE
MOTION TO PROCEED, AND IN TURN
LIMIT DEBATE ON THE MOTION
TO TWO HOURS, DIVIDED EQUALLY
BETWEEN THE TWO PARTIES.
Prior to a bill even reaching the Sen-
ate oor for debate, the majority leader
must bring up the bill for consideration,
and the current rules allow any member
to libuster (or threaten to libuster)
the bill at that point. This would elimi-
nate that practice altogether and cap the
amount of time spent debating the mo-
tion to proceed.
VI
REQUIRE FORTY-ONE
AFFIRMATIVE VOTES TO
MAINTAIN A FILIBUSTER.
Rather than the current rule, which re-
quires a supermajority of sixty votes to
end a libuster, this would require forty-
one votes to maintain a libuster.
What damage comes from the Senate having to vote up or down
on the presidential nominee? What minority protection is being
abused if the United States senators who have been elected have
to vote yes or no on an oficial appointment of the president of
the United States? Barney Frank
VIII
EXCEPT UNDER EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCES
(ETHICAL ISSUES, HEALTH ISSUES, AVAILABILITY
ISSUES), ANY NOMINATION THAT HAS BEEN IN
COMMITTEE FOR NINETY DAYS SHOULD BE
AUTOMATICALLY DISCHARGED AND PLACED ON THE
CALENDAR FOR DUE CONSIDERATION.
IX
ENSURE PARTIAL PRIVILEGED
STATUS FOR MEASURES THAT
HAVE GONE THROUGH THE
COMMITTEE PROCESS BY
PROVIDING THAT COMMITTEE-
REPORTED AMENDMENTS BE
CONSIDERED GERMANE TO
THE REPORTED MEASURE
UNDER CLOTURE.
To strengthen the role of committees in
the legislative process, this would ensure
that any amendments approved in com-
mittee would be given special consider-
ation in the event it is necessary to invoke
cloture to pass a measure.
X
MOTIONS TO RECOMMIT IN THE
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
MUST EITHER CONTAIN
INSTRUCTIONS WITH THE
PROVISION THAT THE BILL
BE REPORTED IMMEDIATELY OR
BE STRAIGHT MOTIONS
TO RECOMMIT.
Just before the Speaker of the House
calls for a oor vote on any given bill, a
member can make a motion to recom-
mit the bill back to its original com-
mittee in order to consider any final
amendments. This is one of the ways the
minority can inuence the nal makeup
of the bill, but the way the House cur-
rently works, such a motion instructing
a committee to report a measure back
promptly could send the bill back to
committee indenitely (in other words,
killing it). This measure would ensure
that any motions to recommit contain
instructions to have the bill return to the
oor immediately (forthwith).
XI
RESTRICT THE ABILITY OF
THE HOUSE RULES
COMMITTEE TO REWRITE BILLS
THAT HAVE ALREADY CLEARED
COMMITTEE.
A bill can clear a committee with unan-
imous bipartisan support only to see its
language altered by the House Rules
Committee (often under the direction
of the majority leader or Speaker) be-
fore it goes to the oor for a vote. This
would limit such a practice.
ue in large part to Senator Harry Reids
triggering of the so-called nuclear
option last fall (when he made it possible
to end debate on any nonSupreme Court judicial
nominee with a simple majority rather than the
sixty votes required previously), the power of the
minority to block judicial appointments has been
limited. However, it is still possible for a nomination
to remain in committee (i.e., not even on the oor)
indenitely, and this would end that practice.
VII
FOR FEDERAL
APPOINTEES, LIMIT
SENATE CONFIRMATION TO
THE TOP FOUR HUNDRED
POLICYMAKING ROLES
(I.E., REDUCE
THE CURRENT NUMBER
BY HALF).
Scan any page to watch videos, listen to audio, share, shop, and more. Get the free Esquire2 app.
XII
REQUIRE PERIODIC JOINT-
PARTY LEADERSHIP CAUCUSES TO
DISCUSS POTENTIAL AREAS FOR
LEGISLATIVE COOPERATION.
Although the Commission stops short of
mandating specic timing or frequen-
cy, since such conditions resist enforce-
ment, it nonetheless would require that
such meetings take place regularly.
XIII
INCREASE THE USE OF CONFER-
ENCE COMMITTEES BETWEEN THE
HOUSE AND SENATE.
XIV
THIRTY CALENDAR DAYS AFTER A
BILL HAS PASSED BOTH CHAMBERS,
A MOTION IN THE HOUSE TO
GO TO CONFERENCE SHALL BE
A PRIVILEGED MOTION.
When one version of a bill passes in the
House and another version passes in the
Senate, it is the responsibility of the con-
ference committee, made up of members
of both chambers, to reconcile the two
versions into a nal bill that can be ap-
proved by both chambers and then sent
to the president for signing. However,
even when two versions of a bill pass
their respective chambers, there are nu-
merous ways it can be prevented from
going to conference. Measures XIII to
XV would minimize and in some instanc-
es eliminate those obstacles.
I was always ofended that
even after the committee had
acted and the Senate as a
whole had acted and voted
afirmatively, one turkey
could show up and say, Its
not going to conference.
Trent Lott
XV
MAKE MOTIONS TO
REQUEST A CONFERENCE AND
TO APPOINT CONFEREES
NOT SUBJECT TO DEBATE.
XVI
EXTEND THE ANNUAL BUDGET-
RESOLUTION PROCESS TO A BIEN-
NIAL ONE WHILE ALLOWING FOR
MULTIYEAR AUTHORIZATIONS
AND ANNUAL APPROPRIATIONS.
Instead of an annual showdown be-
tween parties on spending prioritiesor,
as has recently been the case, an annu-
al passing the buck in the form of con-
tinuing resolutions that extend the pre-
vious years spendingthis would move
the process to every other year while still
allowing the House and Senate to adjust
their spending on a year-to-year basis.
XVII
PURSUE WAYS TO
FACILITATE MEMBERS PRESENCE
AND ON-FLOOR DEBATE.
Rather than relying on prepared speech-
es and emotionally gripping barn burn-
ers delivered to C-SPAN, the Commis-
sion urges the congressional leadership
to consider ways that members could en-
gage in substantial debate.
XVIII
LIMIT MEMBERSHIP TO
TWO COMMITTEES.
Right now there are few limits to the
number of committees that any member
can serve on. In order to make sure that
members arent overburdened with ob-
ligations (or tempted to use a high num-
ber of committee assignments to attract
the attention of donors or lobbyists), this
would limit the number of committees
they could serve on to two.
XXI
PROHIBIT INDIVIDUAL MEMBERS
OF CONGRESS FROM ORGANIZING
AND RUNNING PACS.
Although still able to raise funds for
their own campaigns and for national
organizations like the Democratic or Re-
publican National Committees, mem-
bers would be prohibited from raising
and disbursing funds to other candidates
through PACs.
XXII
RESTORE THE BALANCE BETWEEN
THE EXECUTIVE AND LEGISLATIVE
BRANCHES BY AUTHORIZING
SPECIFIC EXPENDITURES SO LONG
AS THE PROVISIONS ARE
TRANSPARENT AND SUBJECT TO
THE COMMITTEE PROCESS.
This measure allows members to peti-
tion on behalf of their constituents, and
in restoring these so-called earmarks
and subjecting them to oversight, it al-
lows members to better represent their
constituents interests.
149
he Constitution gives Congress the right
to set the terms of congressional elections.
This would eliminate the patchwork of
primary dates throughout the rst half of an election
year (which inevitably leads to lower voter turnout)
and create a single national primary date.
XIX
ESTABLISH A SINGLE, NATIONWIDE CONGRESSIONAL
PRIMARY DATE IN JUNE.
XX
MANDATE IN-STATE
BIPARTISAN
REDISTRICTING COMMIS-
SIONS TO ELIMINATE
GERRYMANDERING.
n each state,
every ten years,
a bipartisan com-
mission of Democrats and
Republicans, appointed
by the state legislature,
will study census data,
conduct statewide hear-
ings, and reach an agree-
ment on the geographic
lines that determine the
states various districts.
Because of the way we
gerrymander, oficials now
are picking their voters.
The voters arent picking their
elected oficials.
Tom Daschle
151
tempt to maintain their dignity while eating a corn dog. A year
from now, if all indications are correct, the Iowa State Fair is go-
ing to be very important to Martin OMalley, and it is very likely he
will be wearing a nice suit as he confronts the corn dog of his des-
tiny. This is what happens when you run for president. And Mar-
tin OMalley is running, even if he says he isnt, even if he can still
chill in a polo shirt and blue jeans because the power-suit portion
of the campaign is still down the road.
Im helping everyone I possibly can in these midterms, and Im
nding that people all around the country are hungry for a conver-
sation about where our countrys going and how we get there, he
says, and how we start getting things done again as a people. As I
campaign for Democratic governors across the country and have
a chance to talk to people, I think they see thats the sort of effec-
tive leadership thats happening in many of their cities and many
of their counties, even as the federal government appears to be
having a more difcult time getting the hitch out of its get-along.
So OMalley goes around the country, campaigning for people
who are running in 2014 and therefore campaigning for himself in
2016, because the presidential campaign in this country never ends
anymore. It just changes cast members, like Law & Order, a few at a
time. And the one thing that Martin OMalley doesnt talk about is the
fact that there is one undeclared candidate on the Democratic side
who is reckoned to be capable of taking the oxygen from the room,
the money from the campaign, and the nomination for the asking.
She has cleared the eld. Thats what the smart people say.
I
T IS STILL THE POLO-SHIRT-AND-BLUE-JEANS STAGE IN
what eventually will become the election of the forty-
fth president of the United States. It is still polo shirts and blue
jeans and state fairs, and thats why Martin OMalley, the governor
of Maryland, and the former mayor of Baltimore, and perhaps the
second-most-obvious Democratic candidate for president in 2016,
has been working a hall at the Maryland State Fair like a friendly
young county agent come to look over the crops. OMalley has
the green polo shirt with an ofcial state logo and the blue jeans,
and hes expressing great interest in what has been produced by
Marylands livestockthe shaved lamb at the buffet gets great re-
viewsand what has been grown in Marylands elds. Across the
wide midway, the carnival rides grind on, music and lights and the
delighted screams of people who come here just for the fun of it.
Truth be told, by the standards of the great state fairs of the Mid-
west, Marylands state fair is decidedly minor league. It is positively
put in the shade when compared with the one they hold every year
in Iowa and especially with the one they hold every four years in
Iowa, in which an ungainly circus is laid atop the state fair and the
locals get a good look at serious American politicians and their at-
TO ELECT A PRESIDENT,
WE PROBABLY OUGHT
TO HAVE SOME CANDIDATES.
CANDIDATES, AFTER ALL,
ARE CHOICES. SO WHERE THE
HELL ARE OUR CHOICES?
AN ARGUMENT
AGAINST CORONATIONS,
CLEARED FIELDS, AND
CONVENTIONAL WISDOM.
BY CHARLES P. PIERCE
T
Without even announcing that she will run for president, Hillary
Clinton has frozen the Democratic primary process. She has fro-
zen the medias attention and the energies of the partys activists,
and, most important of all, she has frozen the wallets of all the big
donors, all of whom are waiting for her to jump to decide what they
will be doing over the next two years. It is hard to say shes been
unusually coy. After leaving her job as secretary of state, Clinton
went on a massive book tour, and shes been a xture on the high-
end lecture circuit, her fees for which suddenly became a cam-
paign issue, even though there isnt a campaign yet. And most sig-
nicantly, she and her people have begun to distance themselves
a bit from the president she once served. She arguably was criti-
cal of Barack Obamas Dont do stupid shit policy. And when the
ISIS threat arose in the Middle East, there were a few strategically
placed comments from anonymous Clinton aides that were crit-
ical of the president for not moving fast enough to meet that new
threat. By the standards of the fall of 2014, by the same standards
that we judge Martin OMalley by, Hillary Clinton is clearly run-
ning for president. And they say she has cleared the eld.
They say she has cleared the eld because thats what political
pros get paid to say, but they also say it as a kind of supplication to
the gods of political chance, because there is one thing that people
in the party try very hard not to talk about these days, something
that remains unspoken for the same reason that theater people
do not say Macbeth and baseball players never mention a no-hit-
ter in progress.
What if she doesnt run?
What if, for one reason or another, she cant run?
What happens if, after spending a couple years clearing the eld,
Hillary Clinton walks away from it all, leaving the Democratic party
with nothing more than, well, an empty eld? And Martin OMalley.
The phenomenon of clearing the eld? he asks. That sounds
like a horse-race question, and Im not doing horse-race ques-
tions. And outside the hall, on the other side of the wide midway,
the carnival grinds on anyway, music and lights and happy laugh-
ter, already in full swing for the day.
HIS IS WHAT CLEARING THE FIELD LOOKS LIKE. THIS IS
the conventional wisdom that, in our politics today and at
this point in a presidential-election cycle, is always far more con-
ventional than it is wise. Hillary Clinton has pride of place unlike
any candidate in recent memory: Shes the wife of a two-term pres-
ident, a former senator from New York, and the former secretary
of state. She has rst call on the partys most talented campaign
staffers, both nationally and in the states. She has rst call on the
partys most overstuffed wallets and on every local- and national-
television camera from Iowa to New Hampshire and back again.
This has been recognized tacitly by almost every other proposed
potential candidate. Vice-president Joseph Biden is curiously (and
uncharacteristically) reticent. Liberal darling Elizabeth Warren of
Massachusetts repeatedly has declined to run and signed a letter
endorsing Clinton. Everybody elseambitious senators like New
Yorks Kirsten Gillibrand and ambitious governors like the dark
lord, Andrew Cuomo, also of New Yorkis sitting back and waiting
and silently asking themselves that question, running it through
their own silent hubris until it produces an answer.
Question: What if she doesnt run?
Answer: Why not me?
It is not cowardice if it can be sold as shrewd calculation. And
it can be sold as shrewd calculation, because that is the way wis-
dom becomes conventional, and the more conventional it becomes,
the less wise it is. After all, in the spring of 1991, President George
H. W. Bush, the conqueror of the Levant, had an approval rating
of 80 by-God percent. This scared away most of whom were per-
ceived to be on the Democratic partys A-list, including Andrew
Cuomos father, from challenging him. The elder Bush had cleared
both elds, they said. One of the few people who stepped up was
the governor of Arkansas, who put together a renegade staff that
outhustled the Republicans for two years and got the governor of
Arkansas, and his sharp lawyer of a wife, elected president. Some
people look at a cleared eld and see a place where there is limit-
less room to run.
(And we should pause here for a moment and mention the other
side. According to the conventional wisdom, the Republicans do
not have a cleared eld. Rather, they have a deep bench. There
are governors who were elected in the great wave of 2010, and there
are senators from that same era. Unfortunately, at the moment, the
conventional wisdom already has been rendered far more conven-
tional than wise. Of those governors, Rick Perry of Texas is under
indictment, Chris Christie of New Jersey and Scott Walker of Wis-
consin are under investigation, and Bobby Jindal of Louisiana is
underwater in the polls in his home state. Of those senators, Marco
Rubio of Florida has rendered himself maladroit in his attempt to
satisfy all the elements of the Republican base, turning his back on
his signature issueimmigration reformbecause it is unpopular
with a large portion of said base. By the end of last summer, Repub-
licans were talking openly of reanimating the career of Jeb Bush,
he of the cursed surname. Mitt Romney was leading some polls in
Iowa by a huge margin. If the Democratic eld is clear, then the
Republican eld is thick with locusts.)
Which brings us to the conventional contrarianism that, in our
politics today and at this point in a presidential-election cycle, is
more conventional than it is contrary. The speculation goes this
way: Clinton had the same advantages in 2008 that she has today,
with the exception of her subsequently having been secretary of
state. She had rst call on staff, on contributors, and on the spot-
light. And she spent two years getting beaten to the punch and ut-
terly wrong-footed by the renegade staff of a junior senator from
Illinois that had a better handle on the prevailing zeitgeist and a
far superior knowledge of the new communication technology
and how best to put it to political use, and that got the senator
from Illinois elected president. To make an easy historical paral-
lel, Hillary Clinton in 2007 was William Seward in 1859, a senator
from New York whose pockets were bulging with IOUs and who
was a power in the party and its presumptive presidential nom-
inee. Seward led the race all the way through two ballots at the
1860 Republican convention until he and his people got outma-
neuvered by a judge named David Davis and the people working
on behalf of a politician from Illinois whose speeches had galva-
nized the nation but whose political rsum was painfully limit-
ed to one term in Congress. Ultimately, of course, and to close the
historical circle, the politician from Illinois became president and
Seward served as his secretary of state.
Thus is another unspoken question added to the list:
What if she doesnt run?
What if she cant run?
What if I can beat her?
Thats the question Martin OMalley is searching the country for
an answer to, even if he declines to admit thats what hes doing.
I guess thats a question that others can answer and, ultimately,
the people will answer, he says. For my part, I believe that in Bal-
timore city and in the state of Maryland, we have brought forward
a new and better way of governing. Its not the old way of ideology
and bureaucracy and hierarchy. Its about governing for results. Its
A
153
OMALLEY IS THE ONLY CANDIDATE BEHAVING
LIKE A CANDIDATE, CLEARED FIELD OR NO,
AND IF ALL INDICATIONS ARE CORRECT, THE
IOWA STATE FAIR NEXT SUMMER IS GOING TO
BE VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM, AND IT IS VERY
LIKELY HE WILL BE WEARING A NICE SUIT AS HE
CONFRONTS THE CORN DOG OF HIS DESTINY.
about intentional leadership thats collaborative, thats open, thats
transparent, that operates by way of common platforms of action.
And thats where the countrys headed. Its certainly the way the
countrys headed. Its certainly the sort of leadership that younger
people are demanding, and the sooner we get there, I think, the
better for our economy and the better for all aspects of our jour-
ney as a people.
He is positioning himself here as a candidate who can run against
the notion of the cleared eld, who can make the very concept
of the cleared eld an offense against democracya truncation
of the peoples right to determine their own leaders and to make
their own independent choice. It is not so much that OMalley is
an outsider; hes been a mayor, a governor, and a national gure
among Democrats for more than a decade. Rather, it is that he is
challenging placid inevitability on behalf of democratic uproar.
There is possibility in that. There always has been. Because Amer-
icans, damn them, love their horse race, even if Martin OMalley
would rather not talk about it.
T THE BEGINNING, OF COURSE, NONE OF THEM WANTED
political parties. John Adams hated them, and so did James
Madison and Thomas Jefferson. So, of course, as soon as the Con-
stitution was up and running, the rst thing they all did was form
political parties and start laying clubs on one another. Adamss
party faded when the country decided it didnt want every pres-
ident to be either a Boston lawyer or a Virginia gentleman. The
one founded by Jefferson and Madison remains with us to this
day. The governor of Maryland is a member of it. So is the for-
mer secretary of state. So is the incumbent president of the United
States, a fact that likely would have caused both of the partys found-
ers to have a conniption.
The history of presidential elections is the history of rebellion
against the idea of the cleared eld, which, in the early days, meant
empowering the rough frontier against the organized power of the
Eastern elites and which, as the country grew, repeatedly demanded
political inclusion for the citizens of an expanding nation. Madi-
son and Jefferson, slave-holding plantation owners both, took up
the cause of the small farmer against the powdered-wig set of high
Federalists. Partisans of Andrew Jackson raged so ercely against
the corrupt bargain struck between Henry Clay and John Quincy
Adams in 1824in which Clay threw his votes to Adams in the
House of Representatives, the body deciding the election, and sub-
sequently was appointed secretary of statethat those partisans
rendered Adamss presidency a failed formality until the day, four
years later, when they could install their hero in the White House.
Clay cleared the eld for Adams, and they both were victims of an
outraged expanded democracy.
The political parties nonetheless largely were closed shops until
the great Progressive movement of the late-nineteenth and early-
twentieth centuries, which produced the direct election of U. S. sen-
ators and the direct primary system, regarded by Republican reform-
ers like Robert La Follette of Wisconsin as critical to breaking up
the unholy wedlock of big corporate money
and all the institutions of government that
had cleared the eld for what had become
a politico-economic puppet show. As Mat-
thew Josephson writes in The President Makers, his brilliant study of
the period: The clamor for more direct democracy, often heard
from the West, the demands for stronger control of the railroads
and trusts, for the curbing of the speculation in grains, for tariff
reform (in the interest of the agriculturalists), for direct prima-
ries . . . the cry for all that would equalize the political unbalance
now rose stronger than ever, a crescendo of protest.
In 1911, when he founded the National Progressive Republican
League, La Follette made direct primaries one of that organiza-
tions founding principles. There always has been a kind of in-
stinctive underground resistance to the idea of the cleared eld, a
kind of autonomic reex in a democratic republic that pushes back
against an idea thats seen as being an affront to what the country
fashions itself in its own mind to be, an occasional inchoate desire
to break through what Josephson calls the old superstitious lim-
its of the parties. If we must have political parties in a democra-
cy, history tells us, then they must constantly be made to move to-
ward being more democratic, election by election.
That reex still exists today, and it is surely there for Martin
OMalley, or someone else, to tap into. It was there in 2004, too, when
George W. Bush, a war president by his own devising, was standing
for reelection and everything hadnt gone sour on him yet, and many
OMALLEY: THE ONLY
ONE TALKING LIKE HE MIGHT
NOT LET HILLARY SKATE.
S
155
us or the Oh, a primary is bad for us camp. I think the primarys
a fact of life.
What Dean does not say is that primaries are also a kind of in-
surance against the stultication of the partys message and atro-
phy of its intellect, both of which can be worsened if the election
actually is deemed to be over before its even begun, before a sin-
gle hand is shaken in the Tom-Tom Tap.
O WHAT HAPPENS IF SHE DOESNT RUN?
Thats the question nobody and everybody asks. She
could decline for health reasons, or because she wants to spend a
couple years giving speeches and being a grandmother, or because
she doesnt want to go through the whole Cirque du Clinton again,
this time as the main attraction in the center ring. There already have
been indications that a political culture populated by politicians and
journalists and formed by the pursuit of the presidential penis from
1992 to 2000 cannot help but return to its place of origin to spawn
a new generation of nonsense. As early as last January, putative Re-
publican contender Rand Paul went on a spree, summoning up the
shade of Monica Lewinsky. Paul went for a combination shot: He
called the Democrats hypocrites for arguing that the Republicans
were waging a war on women after having defended Bill Clintons
predatory behavior while he was in ofce. (Paul also suggested
ing pan but didnt because she always has been power-hungry. See
how easy it was to transport back to 1992 again?
Given the very likely prospect of all that erupting again, perhaps
even more garishly than before, owing to the accelerated technology
of the media/entertainment/gossip industry over the past twenty
years, what happens if she doesnt run?
I think Andrew Cuomo might try. I think Kirsten Gillibrand
would consider it, Dean says. Amy Klobuchar will think about
it. Im sure OMalley will be in. And I think Sanders will be in.
If you eliminate all the people who seem to be waiting for Hillary
Clinton to make the callGillibrand rst among them, because she
has taken on national issues in a way that may lead you to wonder if
shes not willing to make a run regardlessthen theres OMalley,
piling up chits and IOUs all over the hinterlands. Maybe Jim Webb.
And theres Bernie Sandersand that may be the key to understand-
ing the whole phenomenon of the cleared eld. Sanders is an in-
dependent who caucuses with the Democratic side in the Senate.
He is an unapologetic liberal, an actual Socialist at a time when the
word is thrown around to mean anyone who believes in repairing
roads and ghting res. He also seems to be the one candidate, even
more so than OMalley, who has taken to heart Deans resistance to
the idea of a cleared eld, who has imbibed his fellow Vermonters
disdain for the notion that there is anyplace in the country where
the Democrats shouldnt compete and that there is any issue on
which the Democrats should decline to engage. Sanders fought a
ferocious battle in the Senate this year to provide increased bene-
ts to veterans and their families, and he was equally ferocious in
denouncing the problems with the health-care system in the Vet-
erans Administration. In August and September, he was making
this pitch, as well as inveighing against an economic system that
seems increasingly rigged upwardsnot in Vermont or Oregon
but in South Carolina and Mississippi. And that is a response to the
worst thing about accepting as axiomatic the notion of the cleared
eld: It strangles debate. It makes effective coalition-building be-
yond the mainstream impossible. Change within nothing but ac-
ceptable parameters is stillborn, and the really serious problems af-
fecting the country get sanded over and obscured by tactics. People
whose lives have been ground up over the past decade have their
appeals drowned out by the hoofbeats of the horse race.
What Im saying, Sanders says, is that youve got that com-
munity. Yesterday in the evening, in Raleigh, North Carolina, we
spoke to over three hundred people, working people, from the
AFL-CIO and other groups. Do I think those people are satised
with whats going on in this country? Do I think that they want real
change? I think they do. In Columbia, South Carolina, we had
two hundred people out. We had seniors, blacks, whitesa real
coalition of peopleand we had a lot of them in Mississippi for
the AFL-CIO.
The bottom line is I think the Beltway mentality underestimates
the frustration and the anger that people are feeling in this country
with both the economic and the political status quo.
To accept the idea that Hillary Clinton has cleared the eld is
not merely to put the Democratic party on the razors edge of one
persons decision. It also is to give a kind of nal victory to tactics
over substance, to money over argument, to an easy consensus over
a hard-won mandate, and ultimately, to campaigning over govern-
ing. It is an awful, sterile place for a political party to be. And thats
the thing about clearing the eld: Clearing the eld makes it eas-
ier to cross, but theres nothing living or growing there. It bakes
brown in the sun and it cracks, and the rain runs down the cracks
in vain rivulets, because theres no purpose to rain that falls on an
empty eld. Even the crows abandon it.
Im helping everyone I possibly
can in these midterms, OMalley
says, and Im finding that
people all around the country
are hungry for a conversation
about where our countrys going
and how we get there.
that Democratic politicians
should return all the money
Bill Clinton has raised for them.
Yeah, right.) Republican Na-
tional Committee chairman Reince Priebus defended Pauls com-
ments, telling NBCs Andrea Mitchell everythings on the table.
I dont see how someone just gets a pass on anything, Priebus
said last February. I mean especially in todays politics. So I think
were going to have a truckload of opposition research on Hillary
Clinton, and some things may be old and some things might be
new. But I think everything is at stake when youre talking about
the leader of the free world and who were going to give the keys
to run the United States of America.
This was a not entirely camouaged two-rail shot aimed not at
former president Clinton but at potential president Clinton, a sub-
liminal argument that she should have brained the cad with a fry-
On the campaign
trail, everybody asks
him to sing, but he
wont. He cant. The
minute I sing, Im a
punchline, he says.
Im Lance Bass run-
ning for Congress.
People like me. But
I need them to take
me seriously.
157
P H OT O G R A P H S BY MAT T H E W S A L A C U S E
AT THE CROSSROADS OF OLD SOUTH AND
NEW
SOUTH, OF SUPERNOVA CELEBRITY AND
DOWN-HOME REGULARITY, OF TRADITIONAL VALUES AND
WHY NOT JUST CUT TO THE CHASE AND SAY HES A BIG OL
HOMO? SITS AN AM
ERICAN IDOL, AND HES
RUNNING FOR CONGRESS. THE GOOD PEOPLE OF NORTH
CAROLINA VOTED FOR HIM ONCE, AND HE RECKONS THAT
THEY JUST MIGHT VOTE FOR HIM
AGAIN.
er. The few Democrats in a population of self-
proclaimed half-backs (they moved from
the North down to Florida to retire, but it was
too hot, so they moved halfway back) have
gathered at a private home in the planned
golf community of Pinehurst, North Caro-
lina, to eat brisket and homemade rugelach
and meet their newly elected Democratic
nominee for Congress.
Were working on it! the host shouts,
patting his forehead with a paper towel as
he weaves through the forty or so men and
women crowded into the house, sweating in
brightly colored tunics, polo shirts, khakis with ducks or golf clubs
embroidered on them. No one seems too bothered by the rising heat.
The guests chat amiably about aquasize and putting technique and
whos having what surgery when, their eyes trained on the front
door, heads tilting up every time it opens just in case it might be the
guest of honor, unaware that a mile down the road, their candidate
has been detained at the security gate.
The Clay Aiken?
The guard wedges his belly into the open car window, leaning to
take a closer look as Aiken passes him his drivers license.
Yes, sir. Whats your name? Aiken asks, ashing an open smile.
My name is Ofcer Danny Comer.
Nice to meet ya, Danny.
Danny takes a step back, holds Aikens drivers license up to the
sun. Im gonna need to get your autograph, he says.
Aiken roots around his console, grabs a Republaiken sticker,
scribbles Dannys name and his signature on the back. Where do
you live, Danny?
Jugtown.
Oh my, well, thats a good drive. Up near Chatham. He passes
Danny the sticker, which Danny cups as if protecting an egg. Well,
there you go. You remember to vote for me in November.
Okay, Danny agrees, at last triggering the gate and allowing Ai-
ken to pass through, shouting behind the car as it rolls away, Thats
Clay Aiken! In person!
Moments later, Clay Aiken in person enters the fundraiser. He
was hoping to grab a plate of food, having eaten only a doughnut all
day, but before he can step to the buffet, he is immediately swarmed.
One after another, potential voters gently paw at his chest, encir-
cle their ngers around his wrists, slap his back, snap photos above
his headmen and women alike standing close enough to trace the
curl of his eyelashes.
Thank you for being here, Aiken says, calmly swiveling in the
connes to shake every hand.
Thank you for running, the donors answer, their faces ushing,
sweating more now. Aiken, thirty-ve, adopts a modulated voice of
nonthreatening enthusiasm, a technique he likely honed back in his
camp-counselor days. Hes genial and funny. He listens. More than
most politicians. More than most people. He tries to focus on the is-
sues but keeps getting interrupted to pose for pictures or say Hey
there! to someone on the phone who cant believe his or her aunt/
mother/cousin is standing next to Clay Aiken in person.
When he does give a brief speech an hour later under the vaulted
ceiling of the formal living room, he outlines his thoughts on edu-
cation, veterans benets, fracking, party divisiveness. The crowd
listens intently, with palpable gratitude.
If you own a restaurant and there is another restaurant across
the street, you dont burn it down. You do your best. You try harder.
Why dont our political leaders put forth their best ideas? All they
do nowadays is try to win by making the other side lose. He con-
cludes with a story about witnessing a Privilege Walk, a psychology
exercise in which a group of people line up in the middle of a room,
then step forward or backward on the basis of a series of questions.
And they say, If you are a man, take a step forward. A woman, take
a step back. Black, take two steps back. If you brought your lunch to
school, take a step forward. It is chilling to watch it happen. Aik-
en takes a deep breath. The reason Im running is because I want
everybody to have the same shot. To start on the same line, not ten
steps behind. This is a race we plan on winning. We are ghting with
everything we have.
The donors applaud, but the sound dies quickly, and for a moment
nobody stirs, a pregnant silence in the air. Then a male voice from
the back of the room blurts out, Are you going to sing?
Aiken shakes his head apologetically, straightens his posture a
notch. No, sir, not tonight. But if I get elected, Ill sing all you want.
The crowd laughs, but it is clear they are disappointed. A white-
haired man in a dress shirt and tted pants pushes toward the exit,
mumbling to a friend about twelve-term North Carolina congress-
man Bill Hefner: Now, Bill, hed close his events with a gospel num-
ber. He connected to the people that way. He nods toward Aiken.
Singing is what got him here. He oughta use what he got.
Back in the car, a piqued Aiken confesses that everybody asks him
to sing. It is, on the surface, not an unreasonable request. Aiken came
to our collective national attention because he sang, his eighties-
power-ballad countertenor jarringly incongruous with his
kick me sign exterior. He was twenty-four, the gawky,
gummy ginger with a voice of gold. It was this very disso-
nance that compelled Simon Cowell to advance Aiken past
his audition on American Idol in 2003, this same provoca-
tive contrast that turned Aiken into the pop scenes most
unlikely multiplatinum, perimenopausal panty dropper,
seducing a legion of Claymates so loyal they stayed true
to him even when he placed second in the Idol nale, even
when he came out publicly in 2008, and even now, when
he is forsaking his God-given gift as the second coming of
Steve Perry to run for Congress in North Carolinas Sec-
ond District, a campaign fraught with an equal amount of
improbability as his pop stardom, if not, it seems, singing.
For him, it is a question of solemnity. I recognize there
is a little bit of preposterousness to me running for of-
ce, Aiken says as we drive away from the fundraiser
and past the lantern-lit Kinkadeian houses of Southern
Pines, one of the more conservative hamlets in an already
absurdly gerrymandered district. People like me. But I
need them to take me seriously. (A struggle his campaign
team dubbed WTF mountain.) Its still a laugh line: Clay
Aiken running for Congress? Ha ha ha! But when Im
done here, the people of North Carolina will know Im se-
rious. That this is real.
Aiken has been the butt of the joke since grade school,
where other kids tormented him like it was their job. He was poor,
raised by a single mom, wore glasses and cheap, clunky tennis shoes,
had freckles, walked with his toes pointed east and west, was red-
headed and clumsy and effeminate. He was a nesting doll of vulner-
abilities, a bullys fever dream, but especially in the South, where the
signiers of masculinity do not stretch to include musical theater or
kindness to Down-syndrome kids.
Ever resourceful, Aiken embraced the clown that was him. He
laughed at himself rst. He leaned in to the derision and the cruelty
and topped that bitch, and by the time he nished Idol, it was not
merely Revenge of the Nerdhis vulnerabilities had become his as-
sets (as they are for everyone, only most of us never crack that par-
ticular code). So he decided, You dont have to like me, you dont
have to vote for me, but you will know who I am.
Hes playing by the same rules now, the unanticipated paradox be-
ing that in politics, he feels more himself than ever. Still, Aiken reg-
isters that when you enter the public consciousness via what was
the countrys most-watched reality showhis nale remains the
highest rated of any season, netting thirty-eight million viewers
there are going to be some additional hurdles to acquiring gravi-
tas. (A 2012 stint on The Celebrity Appren-
tice doesnt help matters.)
If I sang on the trail, voters would think I
was campaigning just to get attention. Or be-
cause I was bored, he observes as we snake
through the back roads of Durham, noth-
ing but stands of trees anking the road for
miles. The minute I sing, Im a punchline.
Im Lance Bass running for Congress.
To be clear, Aiken is not bored. And even if
he were, there are myriad amusements at his
disposal that do not involve walking into the
belly of the Tea Party beast, pulling up a chair,
and inviting unfettered ridicule and humil-
iation. Nor is he a huge fan of attention. Ai-
ken fell into his music career much like the
was a devoted special-education teacher and the next he was pain-
fully shimmying in a red bomber jacket for Americas votes. (I gave
that jacket to my mama, he says. She looks much better in it.) Un-
like other Hollywood hopefuls, Aiken did not move to L. A. or Nash-
ville in his teens, or harbor Bieberesque YouTube fantasies of inso-
lent stardom, or moonlight in bars, praying that maybe this will be
the night he gets discovered. He auditioned for Idols sophomore
season, back when it was still endearingly scruffy, at the encourage-
ment of the mother of one of the autistic kids he was mentoring, un-
aware of how profoundly the result would alter his life. After it did,
Aiken suffered from panic attacks and acute anxiety, often hiding
from the crowds of thousands amassed to see him or grabbing his
mothers hand, which she recalls back then was always clammy.
Part of his unease came from his being in the closet, as much to
himself as anyone else. But the more salient truth is that Clayton
Holmes Aiken was never constructed for modern celebrity. He was a
natural introvert with a soft spot for kids who struggled, and if youd
asked him in middle school what he wanted to be when he grew up,
he would have said a teacher or possibly Senator Terry Sanford.
recalls, his enunciation crisp and delib-
erate, as if to mirror his respect for the
North Carolina politician who built the
community-college system and found-
ed the rst U. S. state-run arts school.
As governor, Sanford was also the rst
southern politician to ght conspicu-
ously against segregation in the sixties.
In eighth grade, Aiken interviewed him
for a school paper. I didnt know what my deal was yet, but I knew I
was different. And here was this man who was looking out for peo-
ple who were different.
That same year, Aiken invited Raleigh Congressman David Price
to visit his class. After Price spoke, Aiken went home and designed
CLAYTON FOR CONGRESS! posters on his mothers computer.
This isnt a new dream for me, he says coolly, lifting his brows
for emphasis.
It was, however, a dream deferred until a former nurse and Satur-
day Night Live caricature, Republican Renee Ellmers, was elected
in the district where he lives, sailing into Congress on a raft of out-
side money, shrieking the one-note Tea Party platform of Death to
Obamacare, inspired it seems not by a genuine impulse to protect
the greater good but by the prot margins of her husbands surgical
practice. In the four years since, the Michigan native has revealed
herself to be a particularly awed mouthpiece, calling President
Obama Louis XIV; getting into a snit on Anderson Cooper, in which
she accused him of being anti-Christian; and
explaining at the start of her new election
cycle that if men want to court the female
vote, they need to bring [the conversation]
down to a womans level.
My decision to run was a slow burn,
Aiken explains, citing the ght over rais-
ing teachers pay and the newly restrictive
voter-ID laws as red ags. In many ways, I
dont recognize my hometown anymore. But
when Renee said she needed her paycheck
during the government shutdown? Boy, that
red me up! (While more savvy members
of Congress donated their earnings when al-
most a million federal employees were invol-
untarily furloughed in 2013, Ellmers took a
different route.)
159
Lord knows Ive benefitted
from low expectations in
my life. Besides, he says,
the campaign is already in
motion. You cant put the
shit back in the horse now.
When Aiken discovered that Ellmers last won by 14 points after
outspending her opponent 14 to 1 in a district where Republicans
hold a 10-point advantage and where Obama lost by 16 points, he saw
an opportunity. As soon as he announced his ofcial candidacy, team
Ellmers warned voters that Aiken was a performer whose political
views more closely resemble those of San Francisco than Sanford.
Aiken laughs at the tactic. Why not just cut to the chase and say
Hes a big ol homo? he asks, slapping his palm on the steering wheel.
Aiken admits if Ellmers werent in ofce, he probably wouldnt be
running. He says there are Republicans he admires, like John Mc-
Cain and most members of his own family. His younger brother is a
former Marine; his cousin owns a local shooting range. Aiken knows
his aint a swing district by any stretch, and his odds, on the out-
side, appear needle thin.
But he also knows his people. His family has lived in North Car-
olina for eight generations, as has Aiken for most of his life. And he
sees what the political professionals dont, which is that Ellmers is
vulnerable. The Second is a disparate district, encompassing the
young tech workers of Cary, the military communities of Fayette-
ville and Fort Bragg, huge swaths of sleepy country farms, and the
odd retirement village lled with rich Republicans from the North.
Look around, he says, nodding toward the view outside. These
are all small towns. Everybody talks to each other, he says atly.
And no matter where you go, youll never meet anyone who is ex-
cited about Renee Ellmers. He takes a beat, considers. Hell, Im
by Kelloggs Pop-Tarts). His single, This Is the Night, was one of
the biggest sellers in the U. S. that year, and there was lingering con-
troversy over his not being declared the legitimate Idol winner after
evidence that multiple thousands of votes were unable to be counted
and producer Nigel Lythgoe leaked to reporters that Aiken had led
the tally every week until the nale. Aiken, for his part, did not in-
dulge in any postcontest sour grapes, instead opting to model gra-
cious losing for a fevered public, remaining dignied under circum-
stances that were anything but.
Today he is opped on a generous sectional that dominates the
living room of his rental house, his feet propped on a pillow, a com-
puter perched atop his belly, his home phone tight to one ear. Aiken
lives in a planned community in Cary, an exploding Raleigh suburb
that had 22,000 residents the year Aiken was born and now houses
more than 151,000 and counting. Aikens modest row house is a
twenty-minute car ride from the Target, the Harris Teeter, the Star-
bucks, the mall. The neighborhood looks and feels like a Disney-
conceived residential theme park, a vibe that does not abate when
you enter the interior of Aikens place, where beige and soothing
gray-blues dominate. The dining table is set with chargers and cloth
napkins curled into silver rings as if staged by a realtor. The spare
bedroom holds random home-gym equipment, which Aiken waves
to as he passes by. The walls are covered with photographs of Ai-
kens six-year-old son, Parkerhe shares custody with the moth-
er, Jaymes Foster, sister of record producer David Fostergrin-
ning and mugging and looking generally adorable at various ages.
Ive got gay trouble, Aiken says, dramatically pushing a whoosh
of air through his lips. For the past half hour, he has been calling
friends and campaign allies in New York, trying to determine why
the Victory Fund, the primary vetting agency for LGBT candidates,
still hasnt endorsed him, a stamp of approval that would consid-
erably bolster his fundraising capability.
Ray Buckley, the New Hampshire Democratic party chair, told
me were talking could be $100,000 just from them signing on, he
bemoans, his powerful voice lling the room.
At the other end of the sofa, Charlie Flanagan, twenty-three, the
deputy nance director from Maryland who traveled to Raleigh
because he couldnt think of a more exciting race to be a part of,
forces a limp shrug. Are you ready to make more local calls? he
pushes. Aiken ignores him, keeps talking.
Mitchell Gold is very much on board. John Arrowood, a for-
mer judge in Charlotte. Christine Quinn, on board. When I get in
a room, when I get in front of people, they come around. But I cant
get in front of everybody. Thats why I need validators. Without
the Victory Fund, it makes me look like Im not viable. They said
come back after the primaries, so we did. They still didnt jump.
I understand not taking something for granted, but Im the rst
openly gay candidate from the South. I mean, shit.
Charlie shrugs again, preps him for the next cold call, something
Aiken loathes more than being punched in the throat. Nonethe-
less, he excels at the task. He chats with everyone like an old friend,
which in a way feels right, since everybody recognizes who he is,
usually from his voice alone. Most seem tickled when he says, Hey,
this is Clay Aiken. Howre ya? Some actually squeal.
Oooooh, Clay. So niiiiice to hear from you.
Youre calling me personally? You need more to do, son.
You gonna sing out there?
He clicks through Web sites while he talks, looking up old clips of
Tammy Faye Bakker, whom Charlie has never heard of, researching
property development in Cary, seeing who wrote the theme song to
Gimme a Break! his brain happily chugging on multiple levels and
necessarily distracted from the antipathy he feels grubbing for cash.
Im running for those folks who cant give me $2. And I have
to spend all my damn time trying to nd people who will give me
$2,500. What kind of efng system is that?
Charlie reminds him they surpassed Ellmerss fundraising last
quarter. Seventy-ve percent of her money comes from PACs,
whereas Aikens campaign runs almost exclusively on individu-
al donations. The same held true in the primaries, during which
Aikens unpredicted swell in the nal weeks led opponent Keith
Crisco to pour $700,000 of his own savings into the race, only to
lose by 390 votes. Crisco suffered a heart attack and passed away a
day before the results of his loss were made ofcial, a Gothic turn
of events that Aiken has yet to come to terms with.
It destroyed me, because he died defeated, he says with un-
characteristic softness. He spent his whole life in public service,
trying to help people in a district red as blood, and now hell be
known as the guy who lost to Clay Aiken.
Charlie clears his throat and Aiken reluctantly returns to the
phone. He succeeds in getting former state representative Peggy
Stamey to make a generous contribution, and she warns him that
Ellmers has a big-ass gun propped in her garage.
Aiken hangs up, his thoughts immediately returning to the con-
founding ambivalence of the Victory Fund. I know you cant smell
the shit if no one stirs the turd, he says wistfully, but Im not a
boundary pusher.
Aiken is out, if not proud. Standing in his truth, if not strutting in
it. Discretion is his natural state and it suits his district well, where
everyone is welcome to the esta so long as they dont make a big
to-do about it. Aiken hops up from the couch and shufes to the
kitchen, where he opens the fridge, retrieves a mammoth takeout
Sytrofoam cup of sweet tea, and gulps a long swig. He considers
eating a cheese stick, puts it back.
Its funny, I was never cool enough for the music world. I dont
drink. Or smoke. But in politics, Im too Hollywood and out of
touch. I dont t in anywhere. I could end up being too gay for
some people in this district, but not gay enough for the Victory
Fund. He toddles back to the sofa, nods to Charlie that hes ready
for the next call.
Its okay, he says with something approaching certainty. Ive
lived in purgatory for a long time. And Lord knows Ive benet-
ted greatly from low expectations in my life. Besides, he says, the
campaign is already in motion. You cant put the shit back in the
horse now.
still in Pampers, his mother, Faye,
left his father, taking just a diaper
bag and the shirts on their backs.
Married to an abusive alcoholic,
Faye felt she had no choice. The
two took refuge with a friend named
Amaryllis McGhee, sleeping on a
mattress in the living room, a tarp hung for privacy. Their rst night
away, Aikens father threatened to show up and make trouble. He
was arrested for public intoxication before he could nd the address.
For many years as a kid, whenever Mom would go to the bath-
room, Id hide behind the bed, Aiken recalls. There was always a
little darkness in our house.
Clayton with her, propping him on the carpet samples,
where hed sing old country tunes to the delight of the
other ladies who worked there. Over the years, he main-
tained a distant relationship with his father, the two see-
ing each other every other Saturday. Aiken would watch
rented VHS videos and make his own frozen dinners while
his father smoked, played solitaire, and dozed in and out
of consciousness in his easy chair.
Could things have been better? Absolutely. Do I wish
things had been better? Probably. Do I think my life would
be better had things gone differently? Probably not.
Aiken credits his character to his mother, calling him-
self a mamas boy even now. They attend church togeth-
er. Faye texts him inspirational notes every morningA
clean conscience is a soft pillownot so different from
those she used to fold into his school lunches.
We were riding in the car, she says when I ask how
her oldest son told her he was going to run for Congress.
Aiken makes a habit of delivering tough news to his
mama in cars, so she cant run away.
Clayton said he wanted to be in this district particularly, because
they werent being heard, Faye recalls. If hed run in another dis-
trict, hed have had an easier time. Though proud, Faye is not opti-
mistic. She frets about Washington, the ugliness of politics. She fears
people making worse remarks about him than they have in the past.
Clayton said he was tough enough to handle anything that came
at him, she recalls with maternal resignation. What more can
they say, Mama? he said.
While other politicians can be smooth as baby shit, Aiken has nev-
er once been suave, not even accidentally. But just as his inborn dis-
comture evolved into a curious advantage, so too did an indomi-
table authenticity, which is perhaps his most winning quality. With
Aiken, what you see is what you get.
When we lmed my promo for the campaign Web site, there
was more discussion about my outts than when I did album cov-
ers. Everyone wanted to make sure I was relatable. The amount
of time spent deciding what shade of khaki, which beltI told the
crew Id learned over the years that no one is going to die if I wear a
stupid sweater. Ive been in the public eye way too long to start be-
ing disingenuous now.
Since the campaign started almost a year ago, Aiken has steadi-
ly gained weight. Everyone said I would, he grouses. Hes had
to invest in several new shirts, which he usually wears tucked in-
to loose, neutral pants. Hes converted from lace-up shoes to slip-
ons so that he can get in and out of them
161
[continued on page 172]
To see Aikens campaign video, scan here with Esquire2.
CONCENTRATED ON KEEPING
HIS FACE BLANK. HE LOOKED
AT THE PREACHER, SAW HIS
EYES NARROWED INTO ANGRY
SLITS. THE COUNTRY IS
IN MORAL DECLINE BECAUSE
OF HOMO-SESS-UALITY,
*And other things to consider before buying a new coat
Cut.
Print.
Wrap.*
Photographs by Carlos Serrao
Esq STYLE
163
Four break-
through
movie
directors
slip into
the latest
generation
of ballsy,
bold coats
and show
how any
man can
add a little
drama to
his wardrobe
this
winter
AGE: 51
BREAKOUT FILM: The
Theory of Everything,
based on the memoir of
Stephen Hawkings ex-
wife, Jane, and spanning
Hawkings postgraduate
work at Cambridge and
the success of A Brief
History of Time
ALTHOUGH. . . Marsh
won an Oscar for his
2008 documentary, Man
on Wire, about the 1974
walk of high-wire artist
Philippe Petit between
the Twin Towers.
SUBJECTS MARSH
MAKES COMPELLING
IN THE THEORY OF
EVERYTHING:
Debilitating illness,
theoretical physics
HOW HE MANAGED
THAT: We take viewers
on the journey that
Stephen went on:
increasing disability
at the same time as
increasing scientific
achievement. And that
parallel creates tension
in the film.
AND WHOM HE
IMPRESSED: When
Stephen saw the film, he
said he thought Eddie
[Redmayne] was him.
You cant really get a
better endorsement
than that.
T HI S PAGE : WOOL C OAT
( $ 2 , 1 9 5 ) , C OT T ON S H I R T
( $ 3 7 5 ) , A N D WOOL
T R OU S E R S ( PA R T OF
S U I T, $ 1 , 8 9 5 ) B Y R A L P H
L AU R E N B L AC K L A B E L ;
WOOL T I E ( $ 1 5 ) B Y
T H E T I E B A R ; L E AT H E R
S H OE S ( $ 2 7 5 ) B Y
J OH N S T ON & MU R P H Y.
OP P OS I T E : WOOL -
B L E N D C OAT ( $ 4 , 6 9 5 )
B Y GI OR GI O A R MA N I .
James
Marsh
Jumbo-sized peak
lapels, standing
upright (opposite)
or jauntily askew
(here), keep you
warm and keep
things interesting.
AGE: 29
BREAKOUT FILM:
Whiplash
WHAT ITS ABOUT:
A young drummer
attends a music conser-
vatory where he is
terrorized/inspired by
his mentor.
PLAYED BY: Miles Teller
and J. K. Simmons,
respectively
ENCOURAGING QUOTE
FROM MENTOR TO
MENTEE: You are a
worthless pansy ass.
THAT CHARACTERS
INSPIRATION: Chazelles
high school band
director. He wasnt
quite as insane, but he
was a terrifying Great
Santini kind of person.
THE FILMS OTHER
INFLUENCE: Full
Metal Jacket
HOW WHIPLASH
HAPPENED: Chazelles
ex-wife encouraged him
to write a short film,
which wound up win-
ning a 2013 Sundance
Jury Award for its
wicked sense of hu-
mor. It came back the
following year as a fea-
ture and won the Audi-
ence Award and Grand
Jury Prize.
MORE CHAZELLE
MOVIES ABOUT JAZZ:
Guy and Madeline on a
Park Bench and the up-
coming La La Land
SO. . . JAZZ? I just love
the mythos of those
playersso-and-so best-
ing so-and-so at a jam
session, or some mu-
sician getting so upset
at another musicians
wrong notes that they
wind up in a gunfight.
CA S H ME R E T R E N C H
C OAT ( $ 2 , 7 9 5 ) A N D
C OT T ON S H I R T ( $ 3 5 0 )
B Y B U R B E R R Y L ON D ON .
Damien Chazelle

I structured the movie the same way any
inspirational teacher movie is structured, except
my teacher is an asshole.
Esq STYLE
Epaulets, although
functionally useless these
days, add a martial element
to your standard DB over-
coat (and remain a good
place to stow a beanie when
youre not wearing it).
AGE: 44
BREAKOUT FILM: The
Overnighters, a docu-
mentary and recipient of
the Special Jury Prize for
Intuitive Filmmaking at
Sundance
WHAT ITS ABOUT: The
fracking revolution in
Williston, North Dakota,
which attracted thou-
sands of itinerant work-
ers and caused a hous-
ing crisis. One local
pastor, Jay Reinke,
opened his church
and home to migrants.
HOW HE FOUND HIS
LEADING MAN: The
local paper, in which
Reinke had a column. I
called Jay, and he told
me there were men and
women sleeping inside
his church and in the
parking lot who had no-
where else to stay.
EFFORT TO EXPLORE
THAT STORY: Moss trav-
eled to North Dako-
ta alone, as a one-man
crew, and lived in the
church with the Over-
nighters for the first six
months of filming.
MOST TELLING
EXCHANGE ABOUT
CONTEMPORARY
AMERICA: In the film,
Reinke talks to one of
the Overnighters about
the importance of ap-
pearance, and then sug-
gests that the man cut
his hair. The man replies,
Did Jesus have short
hair? Reinke responds,
Jesus didnt have our
neighbors.
T HI S PAGE : WOOL C OAT
( $ 2 , 6 5 0 ) B Y GU C C I ;
C OT T ON S H I R T ( $ 6 2 0 )
B Y B R U N E L L O C U C I -
N E L L I ; S I L K T I E ( $ 1 6 5 )
B Y B U R B E R R Y L ON D ON ;
GA B A R D I N E T R OU S E R S
( $ 6 9 0 ) B Y B OT T E GA
V E N E TA . OP P OS I T E , ON
J US T I N S I MI E N: CA S H -
ME R E C OAT ( $ 2 , 1 9 5 ) ,
C OT T ON S H I R T ( $ 9 5 ) ,
S I L K T I E ( $ 1 1 5 ) , A N D
WOOL T R OU S E R S
( PA R T OF S U I T, $ 8 9 5 )
B Y B OS S .
Jesse
Moss
When in doubt:
Button up the double-
breasted coat and err
on the side of snug.
167
Esq STYLE
F R OM L E F T, ON MOS S : WOOL
C OAT ( $ 2 , 9 5 0 ) , WOOL S H I R T
( $ 7 2 5 ) , A N D WOOL T R OU S E R S
( PA R T OF S U I T, $ 1 , 4 9 5 ) B Y
CA LV I N K L E I N C OL L E CT I ON ;
L E AT H E R S H OE S ( $ 1 , 0 2 5 ) B Y
H E R M S . ON C HA Z E L L E :
WOOL C OAT ( $ 2 , 7 9 5 ) A N D
T WO- B U T T ON WOOL - A N D - S I L K
S U I T ( $ 3 , 5 2 5 ) B Y D OL C E
& GA B B A N A ; C OT T ON S H I R T
( $ 6 1 5 ) A N D WOOL - A N D - S I L K
T I E ( $ 2 6 5 ) B Y B R U N E L L O
C U C I N E L L I ; L E AT H E R S H OE S
( $ 2 9 5 ) B Y C OAC H .
Esq STYLE

Thats the power of documentary for
meits the ability to get close to people and
to capture moments as they happen.
Unsubtle texture:
the chunky look of this
heavier weave.
168 E S QU I R E N OV E MB E R 2 0 1 4 Scan any page to watch videos, listen to audio, share, shop, and more. Get the free Esquire2 app.
JESSE MOSS
Subtle texture:
the soft and fuzzy
feel of flannel.
Esq STYLE
171
AGE: 31
BREAKOUT FILM: Dear
White People
WHAT ITS ABOUT: Black
students at the ficti-
tious and largely white
Winchester University
WHERE HE WENT
TO SCHOOL: The for-
merly Christian and
largely white Chapman
University
HOW DEAR WHITE
PEOPLE CAME TO BE:
I wrote what was origi-
nally called Two Percent
in 2005, and I started
tweeting at fans in 2009
using the handle @Dear-
WhitePeople. There was
something about that
year. We were finally
coming out of our post-
racial hazepeople
were literally telling our
president to go back to
Africa. I workshopped a
new draft, made a con-
cept trailer with my tax
refund, went on CNN,
and raised $46,000. We
got the film finished just
in time for Sundance.
WHERE IT WON: The
Special Jury Award for
Breakthrough Talent
INFLUENCES: Spike
Lee, Wes Anderson,
Paul Thomas Ander-
son, Robert Altman,
and Star Trek: The Next
Generation
WHATS NEXT
FOR WINCHESTER
UNIVERSITY:
A Dear White People
book of essays, out now,
and an in-the-works
television series set at
the school
WOOL C OAT ( $ 2 , 0 9 0 )
A N D WOOL T R OU -
S E R S ( P A R T OF S U I T,
$ 2 , 3 0 0 ) B Y P R A DA ;
L E AT H E R S H OE S ( $ 7 2 5 )
B Y C H U R C H S .
Justin Simien
All my life, I got questions about whether

I was black enough, but once you make a
black independent movie, those questions
of blackness tend to subside.
To see clips from some of these directors films, scan here with Esquire2.
FOR STORE INFORMATION
SEE PAGE 176. PRODUCED BY
KIM JOHNSON. STYLING
ASSISTANCE BY
JASON SCIARA. GROOMING
BY JULIE FIGUEROA FOR THE
CELESTINE AGENCY. SET
DESIGN BY GEORGE SEGAL.
more easily. His
famously disobedient hair has been tamed
and sprayed into a modest, vaguely evangel-
ical pouf. His latest campaign strategy is to
rent a bus and hit every county in the dis-
trict on an old-fashioned shake-and-how-
dy tour, believing if you go to the smallest
forgotten places, nd the folks there and re-
mind them they exist, acknowledge them,
then maybe three months later theyll pull
the lever and return the favor.
I may be naive, but I believe if people see
you, if they shake your hand, if you make
them smile, then it isnt going to be easy to
ignore you. Maya Angelou said, People will
forget what you say and forget what you do,
but they will never forget the way you make
them feel. So we just have to spend a whole
lot of time making people feel good.
If Renee Ellmers carpetbagged on to the
darkest, most fearful shadow of the southern
self, Clay Aiken has made himself the disin-
fecting sunshine. He understands the value of
humor to the region, of self-effacement, of iro-
ny. He abhors bullshit but knows how to insin-
uate, seeing in a way Ellmers never will how in
the South, what looks like ction is the truth.
Earlier in the week, Aiken visited Dunn,
the town where Ellmers lives. He went to a
diner on the main drag, where his presence
soon attracted notice. A woman rushed over
to give him a hug. She told me how much
she loved me and she was a big fan, but that
she hoped I lose. Aiken handed her one of
his stickers, talked to her about voting for
the person, not the party. I asked her what
made her a conservative and she said, I dont
knowI just am.
Then she snapped a picture of the two of
them cheek to cheek on her phone.
Its dusk and were cruising down Moon-
shine Lane through the thick of the country
summer. Aiken averages 150 miles a day since
the campaign began, already logging more
than 35,000 on his year-old Lincoln MKZ hy-
brid. He has classical radio on and the win-
dows cracked enough to smell the ripe rot
of the August landscape. As we roll past the
farms and dollar-store towns, he provides a
running narration of the district, something
hed do even if he werent running for ofce.
Thats where they want to put the pro-
cessing plant that will employ almost a thou-
sand people, he says, pointing left. Theres
concern about the noise and smell and chick-
en feathers everywhere. That said, Boeing
aint whos coming. This will pay $11.25 an
hour. And we need to get folks employed.
He brags that Dunn has the largest manu-
facturer of dump-truck bodies in the coun-
try. And that hes meeting a farmer next week
who uses pig shit for brown energy. He pow-
ers fty houses in his neighborhood! he an-
nounces with zeal.
Aiken grasps that the Second District is not
the most glamorous in North Carolina. Re-
porters from the national press visit and see
the farms and low-rent strip malls and whis-
per things to him like This is the real America.
But he brushes off their condescension. He
appreciates that the South is about nothing
if not masks and meaning buried deeper than
dinosaur bones. Say what you will about our
rumored regional intellectual challenges, but
there aint a southerner alive who operates
on only one level. Nor is there one untainted
with gut-sure self-loathing, a gift from our
God, our history, and every southern moth-
er who raised us to respect our puny place in
this damned, transitory world. Its one reason
Aiken hated living in Los Angeles so much.
There was no gravity. Everyone was so guile-
lessly unencumbered. He missed the shame.
I had to move back. I was born here. And
I know how special it is. People are nice.
Aiken has lived in the Second District for
so long that when he meets someone new, he
already knows someone who knows them.
If all politics is local, Aiken is local as dirt.
Earlier in the week, he attended a prayer
for peace vigil at a church in Harnett Coun-
ty. The local sheriff spoke, advising people to
carry their guns everywhere in case they
needed to take care of business before we get
there. The district attorney also addressed
the crowd. When the reverend opened the
conversation to the oor, a man wearing a
yellow shirt in the pew ahead of Aiken bolted
upright and grabbed the mic. He introduced
himself as a local preacher.
Since 1974, thirty-eight million unborn
children killed, he began to rant, a smat-
tering of Amens lling the room. Then he
turned and faced Aiken. And homosexual-
ity. It is tearing Americas ber apart. Gods
not happy with us.
Aiken sat stock-still, concentrated on keep-
ing his face blank. He looked at the preacher,
saw his eyes narrowed into angry slits.
Lets stay on topic, the head reverend
interjected.
This is on topic, the preacher spat.
The country is in moral decline because of
homo-sess-uality.
Aiken remained silent. The organizers
hastily shut off the preachers microphone,
but he would not be subdued. I dont need a
microphone when I have Gods word to am-
plify me! he shouted, still staring directly in-
to Aikens eyes. I will not be ashamed of the
gospel of Jesus Christ.
By then, Aikens skin had prickled pink,
a thin veil of perspiration coating his whole
body. The preacher nished his sermon, then,
exhausted, marched out of the church.
Aiken already has a tracker, a gnat hired
by undisclosed interests to follow and lm
everything he does from now until Election
Day, a political paparazzo hoping for a How-
ard Dean scream or some other outsized re-
action that, when bled of context, will make
Aiken appear too off the beam (or queer) to
hold ofce.
All theyll probably get is something like
that Vine of me picking my nose thats already
all over the Internet, Aiken says. Still, he
admits, in certain neighborhoods he thinks
twice about going out to eat in public with
just another guy. He isnt going to pull the pin
on the grenade for them. Unless, of course,
things start to nosedive.
Then Im gonna run nekked up and down
the streets with No fracking! signs painted
on me, he says, slapping his leg and dissolv-
ing into gratifying laughter. Frack you! he
squeals. Fr-ack you!
When we meet the next morning for an-
other long day of campaigning, Aikens mood
is considerably less lighthearted.
Im in a hot damn funk, he barks. The
Cook Political Report has labeled his district
as even more heavily Republican, a regrad-
ing that prompted the local news to freshly
label Aiken a long shot.
What upsets me most is that there are
people who really need their congressper-
son to help them, who are counting on it, Ai-
ken says, frustration rising in his voice. They
have a lot more condence than they should
in people in government. Because I dont see,
at least in this seat, people giving a shit.
A half hour and several impassioned rants
later (Gerrymandering was a master plan to
seize control in 2010. Our N. C. general assem-
bly has a veto-proof majority. The governor
is without question simply a gurehead. He
may as well just go throw baseballs out!), a
reinvigorated Aiken pulls his car in front of
the Spring Lake senior center.
Well, hey there, Miss Carmen, Aiken
shouts, rolling down his window. We gon-
na deliver some meals today?
Aiken is spending his lunch hour volun-
teering for meals on wheels, and Senior En-
richment Center administrator Carmen
Gaddie is acting as driver and navigator. No
cameras are present. No tracker, either. At the
rst stop, Aiken meets with Daniel Fielder, a
seventy-ve-year-old veteran of three tours
in Vietnam. No such thing as a front line, he
recalls as he and Aiken sit in his basement,
surrounded by his collection of vinylsixties
funk and soul mostly. Fielder says the music
reminds him of who he was back then. They
talk about Walter Reed, President Obama,
the OJays. Fielder tells Aiken hes glad to
see him in the race. Id vote for my car be-
fore Id vote for Renee Ellmers, he cracks.
The next house sits on a large country lot
surrounded by a ve-foot-high chain-link
fence. The son was laid off from Fort Bragg
with the latest cutbacks, so he busies him-
self keeping up his mothers yard. Lookin
good, Aiken says as he strolls past, survey-
ing the precise trim of the lawn. Inside the
cluttered kitchen, Aiken asks what church
the family attends, and when they say Lewis
Chapel, he names their pastor and talks about
hearing him preach a time or two.
The meal deliveries continue, each stop
bringing a refreshed gratitude to both Aik-
en and Miss Carmen, who reminisces about
how the streets theyre on used to be soybean
crops and rows of corn and how dont noth-
ing stay the same.
Miss Carmen turns onto Pine Tree Lane,
Clay Aiken
[continued from page 161]
waterpik.com
There was a meeting of the Democrat-
ic caucus, says Senator King, the Indepen-
dent from Maine, and several members
were saying, Lets just vote. Lets allow the
amendments, well vote on them, and well
move on. And a member who is up for re-
election in 14 made a pretty powerful point.
He said, I dont mind making hard votes,
but not if the Republicans are going to turn
around and libuster the bill anyway, so its
all for naught. And I thought that was a per-
suasive argument. If youre gonna be forced
to vote on one of these crazy gotcha amend-
mentsViagra for sex offenders or whatev-
erthen there oughta be some purpose. If
no Republicans are gonna vote for cloture
and the bills not gonna pass anyway, then
whats the point?
Part of the reason that certain groups
and the cable shows xate on something like
Benghazi is that we arent offering much else
for them to talk about, says Jeff Flake of Ar-
izona. When you go through regular or-
der, youve got twelve appropriations bills to
pass, each of which funds a different agency.
Theres a lot to talk about. Theres a lot to ll
the void that currently exists. And so I think
if we get back to regular order, allow legis-
lation to be debated on the oor, then well
ll the void that others will ll if we dont.
All these institutional grievances
changed rules, broken traditions, oppressive
majorities, abused libustershave their cur-
rent tap roots in the poisons of outside pres-
sure and empowered extremism.
In response to that, you discover, all sorts
of formal and informal groups are breaking
out, in both houses, to try to make things bet-
ter, because people are sick of this shit, as
one senator told me. The Problem Solvers,
the Future Caucus, the Civility Caucus, the
Gang of 14, the Gang of 12, the Gang of 6.
The twenty women in the Senate have a bi-
partisan dinner once a month to talk about
what jerks the men are. And the members of
the massive freshman class in the House
more than seventy rst-term members
have resolved to maintain bipartisan class
cohesion, hold social and policy events, and
keep a conversation going, even when Mom
and Dad are ghting. In a sign of faith that
the dynamics can change, six members of
the class, including Luke Messer of Indi-
ana, the Republican class president, have
moved their families to Washington.
As a group, the freshmen seem very serious
about this effort to change things, although a
couple of them tell me they are skeptical, in-
different, or consider it to be a waste of time.
Well, you cant just leave me hanging,
says Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard of Ha-
waii, a Democrat. You have to tell me who!
And then she guesses. Tom Cotton. Cotton
is running for the Senate in Arkansas and is
known for his sharp elbows.
No, I say. I actually just spoke to one of
them, a Democrat.
Help...
[continued from page 142] navigating the van down a rutted dirt road past
a collection of rusted-out caravans propped
against pine trunks, some with plastic can-
opies haphazardly strung over the top. She
tells Aiken the people living there work bun-
dling up pine straw to sell for landscaping. Just
as she eases to a stop, two women approach.
Mr. Willy done beat his girlfriend with a base-
ball bat last night, announces the one in the
front as she ips her short hair back, dragging
a ngernail across her pale neck. The police
come, but hed taken off into the woods. He
dont want to go to jail at his age.
Aiken sits in the passenger seat, uncertain if
he should exit the vehicle, a Styrofoam lunch
container steaming in his lap. He leans toward
the women, asks if their friend is okay, if they
should call a doctor. The older of the two rec-
ognizes him from television, even if she cant
exactly remember from what. The younger
one cocks her hip, You famous?
Shes dressed in tight pale-blue bell-bot-
tom jeans, a childs T-shirt that rides just above
her navel, and an incongruous bright-yellow
shermans hat. She takes a sharp draw from
a hand-rolled cigarette.
Did you watch American Idol? (He knows
she didnt.)
Can I have your autograph? she asks, si-
dling closer. Aiken grabs a business card with
his campaign logo on the front and starts to
sign the back.
Who should I make this out to?
Woman.
Your name is Woman?
Thats what I am, isnt I?
Aiken does what hes told, passes her the
card, which she slides into the V-neck of her
shirt, right over her left nipple, pushing her
lips forward as she does.
Aiken passes both women a boxed meal,
then smiles, says it was nice to meet them, that
he hopes their friend will be okay.
As they back down the lane, Miss Carmen
talks about how people get so hard down in
situations. But that doesnt mean they dont
need folks to take care of them.
Aiken is quiet, his face a rictus of shock.
Was she smoking a twig? I swear that
wasnt even a cigarette.
Deliveries complete, Miss Carmen drops
Aiken back at his car. He hugs and thanks her,
then climbs inside and starts the engine. He
doesnt move. He takes a deep breath, then
another.
Pine Tree Lane is what happens when you
dont raise minimum wage, he says bitterly.
When people cant nd work. I have been to
Uganda, Afghanistan. Ive seen poverty. But
I never thought this could happen in my dis-
trict. Fuck. This. Its a disgrace. We need to get
a busload of people and drive them down that
lane so they can see what is happening in our
backyard and that we need to do something to
help these people. I mean how are they earn-
ing enough to live?
I dont think its from bundling pine straw,
I offer.
Aiken stiffens, releases a long whistle
through his teeth.
Lord have mercy, he says. And then
Jesus be a damn raindrop.
Its a drizzly Friday, and after an exhaust-
ing week Aiken is enjoying dinner at one of
his favorite spots, the Brownie Lu in Siler City,
a working-class Republican stronghold. Hes
gotten a slew of encouraging news. The Vic-
tory Fund has nally endorsed his candida-
cy. Several big-ticket fundraisers are in the
works. His internal polls are showing his gay-
ness is a nonissue and that he is more likable
than even his team predicted. During a re-
cent stop in Dunn, he met Ellmerss next-door
neighbor, a former supporter, who said shes
been trying to rip her Renee bumper sticker
off her car for a year.
Even her hometown newspaper dislikes
her, Aiken says, widening his eyes.
He orders fried chicken, black-eyed peas,
hush puppies, sweet tea. Before he takes his
rst bite, a woman named Christine waddles
over, her right foot in a cast.
Claaaaay, she squawks, hugging him like
a stuffed animal. Ill make you a deal. Ill vote
for you if you sing at my funeral.
Now, you know thats not going to hap-
pen for a very long time, Christine, he chides.
Christine giggles and lingers, talking about her
cortisone shots, how she hurt herself kick-
ing her husband. She keeps her hand on Aik-
ens shoulder the whole time, ngers dug deep.
Oh, I loved you on American Idol. I was so
hoping youd win.
Aiken signs an autograph for Christine,
signs more autographs on the way out, and
asks the cashier if shell hang a Republaik-
en campaign poster behind the grill.
Sure thing, hon.
Walking behind the restaurant to the toilet
out back, he worries that maybe hes better at
making friends than securing votes. Am I in
the bubble? he asks himself, then shrugs it off.
Were all just waiting for obscurity, he
muses. I came about because so many peo-
ple from this area put me here. They voted for
me once. Maybe theyll do it again.
On the way home, we drive past campaign
headquarters, where, just around the corner,
on Chatham Street, there is a Guffmanesque
Cary Now and Then mural painted on the
side of a former grocery store. On the front
half, together with a ball-capped golfer and an
old-fashioned street clock, a rendering of Aik-
en serenades a restaurant dining room, micro-
phone in hand, eyes closed in intense emotive
rapture. A closer look reveals his left incisor
has been blacked out with a marker.
Later that night, Aiken will watch a Jason
Bateman movie at home. He will order pizza
with extra sauce, and he will eat it on his mas-
sive couch, wearing his slippers and his Dr.
Pepper pajama bottoms. He will think about
who he was and who hes becoming and the
sad women on Pine Tree Lane and mother-
fucking Renee Ellmers, and he will murmur
under his breath to no one in particular, It will
damn near kill me if I dont win.
Clay Aiken
Style, p. 69: Watches: Rolex, rolex.com. P. 70: IWC,
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watches.com. TAG Heuer, shop.tagheuer.com. Bell &
Ross, bellross.com.
Cut, Print, Wrap, p. 162: Giorgio Armani coat, ar-
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Alan Grayson! she says.
How did you know?
Everybody knows, Gabbard says. It was
either going to be Cotton or Grayson.
Others agree. When a Grayson amend-
ment comes up on the oor, says a Demo-
cratic member of the class, Ill ask colleagues
what its about, and theyll just say, Its Gray-
son. Im voting against it.
Theyre assholes, says another. The
Asshole Caucus.
Grayson, an aggressively partisan Demo-
crat from Florida, dismisses the freshman-
class effort at comity as window dressing.
This class has gotten nothing done.
By now, the conversations have taken on a
therapeutic air. Whats everybody saying?
members will ask. Whats the verdict?
And to properly answer that question, you
discover that you have learned something
about the laws of contradiction. Because with
very few exceptions, everything the mem-
bers of Congress have saidcomplaints, ac-
cusations, warnings, and critiquesis true.
Which is not to say that everybody is equal-
ly to blame, because thats an abdication of
reasoning and just silly. It is, rather, to say
that some truths obtain more than others, and
some factors carry more weight. And the re-
current citing by members of those who come
not to talk but to silence, not to compromise
but to attackwhatever insult or injury they
may feelis damning.
And when you talk to this many mem-
bers of Congress, you discover from ma-
ny of them what can only be described as
a yearning for humility and civility. I have
two lovely ofces in the Capitol, says Sen-
ator Leahy. One is very ornate, and huge,
with a large conference table, and I can bring
senators there, with no staff, and we sit and
talk. Thats where the immigration bill hap-
pened. My other ofce has a balcony over-
looking the Mall. And there Ill have Prayer
Hour and Holy Water, as we call it. One sena-
tor was invited for Prayer Hour, and he said,
You know, Im Jewish. And I said, Weve
got twelve-year-old and single-malt ho-
ly water. And he said, Oh! Well, thats ko-
sher. I can come.
Leahy has been in the U. S. Senate for for-
ty years and is known by all to be an expert
legislator and reliable negotiating partner.
He names some of the giantsDemocrats,
Republicanswith whom he has served.
Everett Dirksen. Mike Manseld. Howard
Baker. George Mitchell. Bob Dole. Boy, in
those days, youd have never dreamed of giv-
ing your word and not keeping it, he says,
his voice trailing off. Never dreamed . . .
And with that, a nal discovery: When
you talk to so many members of Congress,
you realize that those who are widely re-
viled can do much more damage than those
who are widely respected can do good, and
with half the effort.
leaders, says
Lott. When I got my ox in the ditch, it wasnt
the Democrats [who did it], it was Republi-
cans. So if you get out too far ahead of your
team, theyll cut your throat. So thats what
is going on in the House and the Senate right
now. Leaderships afraid. (This in particular
is the issue in the House, where Boehner has
had to deal with the thirty to forty members
of the unofcial Tea Party caucus who wake
up every morning bright-eyed and ready to
make his life hell.)
Theyve reached their nal consensus: Its
time to pack up and head on their way, with
twenty-two tips for their successors in con-
gressional leadership, and the American vot-
ers, to consider. I was struck by a poll I read
a couple weeks ago, says Frank. The poll was
about the degree of trust that Americans put
in their national institutions, and the institu-
tion that got the lowest rating from the people
was the one that people have the most inu-
ence in shaping. So maybe the American peo-
ple ought to do a little looking in the mirror.
Its a simple truism that people get the
government they choose. And if Americans
think they can do betterand if they think
the challenges of these trying times require
a better Congress, a more capable Congress,
or at the very least a Congress that isnt uni-
versally loathedtheres only one thing to
do about it.
[continued from page 146]
OPENLY GAY ATHLETES
IN PRO SPORTS
NOVE MBE R 2 01 4
AN INVESTIGATIVE SURVEY
BY ROBERT SCHEFFLER
1. Openly gay athletes
in pro sports are a
positive advancement in
the evolution of culture
and sports.
Agree, it sends the right
message of inclusion.
Disagree, its a distraction
for the team.
2. The only question that
should be asked of any player
is: Can he play?
Agree, thats the bottom
line.
Disagree, there are always
other considerations.
3. Locker-room showering
details, as were recently
discussed in the media, have
no place in serious sports
journalism.
Agree, keep them in Hot
Jocks 3, where they belong.
Disagree, theyre an integral
part of a teams culture.
4. Athletes, coaches, and
team management
should refuse to engage
in media coverage that
emphasizes labels like gay
and straight.
Agree, its a self-perpetuat-
ing cycle of hype.
Disagree, its an appropriate
team topic.
5. How did you hear about
Hot Jocks 3?
An online ad
I didnt. You brought it up.
6. I dont think so.
Lets move on.
7. Please indicate the
associated implication of the
following terms on a scale of
1 to 5 (1=straight; 2=mostly
straight, somewhat gay;
3=could go either way;
4=mostly gay, somewhat
straight; 5=gay):
Dinger
Franchise player
Stanley Cup
Drive to the basket
Flopper
T-formation
Canadian rules
Dribbler
Bump and run
Zamboni
8. That was kind of fun.
Eh.
Was there a point?
9. Zamboni.
Whatever.
10. If you were to wear the
jersey of an openly gay
player, people might think
youre gay.
Agree, its an overtly
personal association.
Disagree, its just showing
support for the team.
11. Same-sex experiences
in college are common and
do not mean you are gay.
Agree, its a time of
experimentation.
Disagree, its a bit of an
urban myth.
Not sure what youre
getting at.
12. You know what were
getting at.
Theres no reason to be
ashamed.
Im not ashamed and dont
get the relevance.
13. Whos your daddy?
Youre my daddy.
Im your daddy.
I dont understand whats
happening.
14. We were just testing you.
Its a test.
A survey is not a test.
15. This one is.
Really?
Because it seems like youre
making it up as you go.
16. We know what were
doing. One last question: To
people who happen to be gay,
the f-word is what the n-word
is to African-Americans. If
you wouldnt use one, you
shouldnt use the other.
Do you agree?
Agree.
17. So there goes your annual
Thanksgiving toast.
Screw you.
Thank you for your
participation.
PLEASE INDICATE THE ANSWER THAT BEST MATCHES YOUR OPINION ON
EACH OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS.

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