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SPEAKING THE LOVE LANGUAGE OF QUALITY TIME

The world moves at a tremendously fast pace. Its virtually impossible to disconnect from work, social
networks, media, news, even friends and family. Life is often an overload of emails, voice mails, instant
messages, profiles, shows, kids activities, schedules and the endless desire to know about whats going
on around you.
Its far too easy to let the important things in your life slip through the cracks and get lost in the chaos.
Days could go by without speaking to family members, or sharing deeper moments with your spouse.
Finding moments for quality connections in marriage takes planning. It requires intentionality. Quality
time rarely happens by chance.
There are many things that can get in the way of finding moments together. Its also possible that the
time you spend together has become stale. Yes, even quality time can become routine. Perhaps
some spice needs to be added.

Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I dont mean sitting on the couch watching
television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each
other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you
dont give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouses primary love
language is quality time?
Listen for Clues
Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases.
Just as one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse
affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately and they still
complain, You dont ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too
busy or too tired, they are telling you that their primary love language is QUALITY TIME.
The Essence of Quality Time
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with
focused attention. A husband who is watching football on television while he talks to his wife is not
giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. A husband and wife playing tennis
together, if it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game, but on the fact that they are spending
time together.
Dialects of Quality Time
Like words of affirmation, the language of quality time also has many dialects. One of the most common
dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two
people are sharing their experiences, their thoughts, their feelings, and their desires in a friendly,
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uninterrupted context. If your spouses or childs primary love languages is quality time, such dialogue is
crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved. Sit down. Ask questions and listen.
Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full through Quality Time
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse/child is talking.
2. Dont listen to your spouse/child and do something else at the same time.
3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, What emotion is my spouse/child experiencing?
4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, I dont care what you are saying - listen to me.
Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is Quality Time.
Here are some ways to find more Quality Time and even a few things to do during the time.
1. Schedule a daily sharing time- talk about 3
events that happened to you that day and
how you felt.
2. Give up your TV & Cable
3. Disconnect the Internet
4. Walk together in the evening, you can even
take the kids
5. Send emails or quick messages/texts to
each other during the day
6. Listen to music with the family on evenings
7. Cook & eat dinner together
8. Stick to a bedtime routine with your kids
(even have them go to bed early some
nights)
9. Trade evenings with another family watch
their kids so they can be together and vice
versa
10. Use your vacation time (or half days) to be
together in the afternoon
11. Play board games as a family.
12. Enjoy a glass of your favoritedrink together
on the couch
13. Sit together outside and look at the stars
14. Read together/read to each other
15. Have a just becauseparty Dance
16. Have a familynight /story-telling evening.
17. Reminisce about favorite memories
together
18. Have dinner by candlelight, even with the
kids at least once per week Erev Shabbat
19. Hold hands/hug often
20. Enjoy a familymovie together
21. Have lunch together during the week
22. Turn off the radio while riding together in
the car
23. Plan an outreach as a family project
24. Leave little notes for each other around the
house
25. Find creative ways to say I love you
26. Have a picnic, you can even do this in the
living room
27. Have date nights-fathers with daughters &
mothers with sons & husbands with wives.
28. Go to bed early
29. Go camping with your family in your
yard/garage/living room.

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Understanding the 9 Important Communication Skills (Adapted from Gottman 1994)
1. The Four Don'ts
a. Criticism Attacking someone's personality or character with accusation and blame (e.g., "You never
think of anyone else," or "How can you be so selfish?").
b. Contempt Intentional insulting, name-calling, mocking, rolling the eyes, or sneering.
c. Defensiveness Feeling injured by others in response to criticism and contempt and refusing to take
responsibility for personal actions. Being defensive blocks the ability to deal with an issue. Even if one
member feels completely justified in his/her actions, becoming defensive will only add to the problems.
d. Stonewalling Withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate at all. When families
refuse to communicate about their issues, the relationship becomes fragile. (Note: It is completely fair in
a relationship to explain to your family that you are overloaded emotionally and that you need to call a
"Time Out" to take a break and calm down before you say something you don't mean).
2. The Five Do's
a. Calm Down If your heart is beating more than 90 beats-per-minute, it becomes more difficult to
access the "logical" part of your brain. Disengaging from an interaction before something hurtful is said
should last for at least 25 minutes or longer for a person to really calm down. Otherwise, it is easy to slip
back into an emotionally charged conversation and to say things that are hurtful and damaging to the
marital/family friendship.
b. Complain Being passive and sweeping relationship issues under the rug by internalizing our
complaints and emotions without expressing them will only serve to trip us up later on. Bringing up a
complaint about a specific issue or behavior is actually one of the healthiest activities families can
engage in (e.g., "When you fail to call me to let me know you are going to be late, it makes me feel like
you aren't considering my feelings and the fact that I will worry about you").
c. Speak Non-Defensively This kind of language is an art form that usually includes speaking with a
soft voice, using complaint statements that start with "I feel" rather than "You" statements, and
garnering the listener's trust in our ability to communicate effectively without eliciting defensiveness.
"We" statements can also be helpful (e.g., "We need to start going to the gym." or "We should talk about
money issues.").
d. Validate To validate another person we must:
i. Listen with our eyes, ears, mind, and heart.
ii. Listen to the needs and emotions being expressed.
iii. Use bridge phrases and words such as "And then what happened?"; "How did that make you
feel?"; "Really? You're kidding?"; "What are you going to do now?"; "How can I help?"; "Uh-
huh."; "Yes/No/Why?"; etc., to let them know you are listening.
e. Overlearn Skills To overlearn means to master the 8 other skills so that they remain available to
you even when you are tired, stressed, or angry.
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Exercise.
Assertiveness The ability to express your feelings and ask for what you
want in the relationship.
Active Listening The ability to let your family members know you
understand what they have said by restating their message.
Create a Wish List (3) items-
Take turns sharing with each other.



Speakers Job
1. Speak for yourself (Use I statements like I wish..)
2. Describe how you would feel if your wish came true.

Listeners Job
1. Repeat/summarize what you have heard
2. Describe the wish and how the person would feel if the wish came
true.