quotes: s

In this world there are two kinds of pinatas my friend, those filled with candy and those
filled with nitroglycerine.
-sabbott@nmsu.edu
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary
propensity toward fanaticism.
-Carl Sagan
In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
-Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument;
my position is mistaken,' and then they would actually change their minds and you never
hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it
should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens
every day. I cannot recall the last time someting like that happened in politics or religion.
-Carl Sagan
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up
to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have
learned dolphinese.
-Carl Sagan
Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a
galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more
galaxies than people.
-Carl Sagan
Scepticism and re-evaluation are necessities, not luxuries.
-Edward Said
No, I'm a middle-class white criminal. I got a slap on the wrist.
-Jim Salsman
For him that steals, or borrows and returns not, a book from its owner, let it change into a
serpent in his hand and rend him. Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members
blasted. Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease to
his agony till he sing in dissolution. Let bookworms gnaw at his entrails…
-inscribed in the library of the monastery of San Pedro, in Barcelona
Neural nets are cool. I have one. I like to put alcohol on it.
-Manuel Sanches
Every time a computer science student graduates, another free software project goes into
'maintenance mode'.
-Fletcher Sandbeck
This is no time to act like a gentleman. I am a cad and shall react like one.
-George Sanders
It's a choice that's been offered to many men: Be a slave in Heaven or a star in Hell; and
Hell does not always look like Hell - on a good day it can look a lot like L.A.
-Dr. Eugene Sands, Playing God
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
-George Santayana
Karma is like justice without the satisfaction. And I don't believe in justice.
-Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun
The only thing you can assume about a broken-down old man is that he's a survivor.
-Joe Sarno, The Way of the Gun
Competition brings out the worst in people and the best in products.
-David Sarnov
As the years went by, Apple management's reaction to its steady decline was to insist that
its products would win because they were better, and to continually charge more for them
until, by 1994, it decided it would allow clones to be built after all. This was followed by
the decision that it would not allow clones to be built after all, then by a decision that it
would allow it, then it wouldn't, and finally, no one cared.
-SatireWire
If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For
instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say
'president', we say 'seriously deranged git'
-Alexei Sayle
Recently, my personal advisors have been telling me to go to America. Actually, people
have been walking up to me in the street and telling me to sod off, but that's the same
thing, isn't it?
-Alexei Sayle
p.s. Just kidding about the small furry animals. I would't kill them REALLY, I might just
try to hurt their feelings a little though.
-Phillip R. Scarr
The US military is, in spite of the efforts of the past few years by a whole lot of self-
serving politicians, a junkyard dog on a short leash. In most cases harmless, but if you
piss its owners off enough for them to slip the leash, it's time to bend over and smile.
-sscrivener@earthlink.net
A haiku is a a Japanese poem containing three lines of five, seven, and five syllables,
containing a cutting, or pause, word, as well as spam, oelestra, or Spice Girls imagery.
-Joshua Schachter
And remember -- if you can't be creative or interesting, you can be cute and naked.
-Joshua Schachter
Been there, done that, threw away the t-shirt.
-Joshua Schachter
Blah...I'm bored. Let's go out and get new girlfriends.
-Joshua Schachter
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. BACKSPACE IS DELETE.
-Joshua Schachter
he who controls the spice girls controls the universe!
-Joshua Schachter
I AM A REAL PROGRAMMER. IF IT DOESN'T COME FROM A VENDING
MACHINE, I DON'T EAT IT.
-Joshua Schachter
I don't actually have a clue... but that's never stopped me before... although that's never
helped me succeed
-Joshua Schachter
Remind me next time I'm writing program to have the error messages rhyme.
-Joshua Schachter
i was going to, in fact, deliver an insult so horrible and mind blowing that your
personality and psyche would have been utterly destroyed. however, i have decided that it
would not be worth it to lose you as a person so i'll just mention i could have done so.
-Joshua Schachter
i use sweet'n low in my coffee so a sugar rush doesn't interfere with my caffeine rush
-Joshua Schachter
I'm depressed ... It's a cheap way to show yourself a bad time.
-Joshua Schachter
i'm running IE 10.0 on Server 2008. i'm so bleeding edge that i am sliced so thin it makes
the average deli vendor green with envy.
-Joshua Schachter
If you freak her out and she winds up in the hospital then YOU WIN.
-Joshua Schachter
it turns out that it is not better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all. it's
better to not look like an idiot while doing so.
-Joshua Schachter
so kill me, or i'll send the intel bunny people to do their thing on your ass.
-Joshua Schachter
The only problem with the game so far is that I haven't figured out a good way to make
money yet, so for ten bucks a month I get to roleplay a homeless person.
-Joshua Schachter
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-Joshua Schachter
you forget that i'm jewish. so to me, the pope is an annoying public leader that i didn't
even vote for
-Joshua Schachter
you've raise some very interesting and important issues. i'll spank you later
-Joshua Schachter
Your zen-fu sucks.
-Joshua Schachter
I gave up luck in high school. I prefer a little deadly force myself.
-Dutch Schaefer, Predator
Life is a joke, and death is the ultimate punch line. Welcome to hell.
-Trevor Schadt
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-Phyllis Schafly
Allow me to begin. Imagine the mezzanine level between Squalor and Gutter, join me, if
you will, in the gentle transition between the Eighth and Ninth Circle of Hell. Milkman
Dan has been invited several times, but has declined on the pretext of "early morning
roadkill cookoffs". Only the hopeless, the deranged, and the existential need apply.
Thank you.
-Ridgely Schantz
And when you beg to lick my killing floor, be sure to bring your Mastercard, because I
will take your soul, but I won't take American Express.
-Ridgely Schantz
I have Windows Vista on my computer. I'm not wowed, but neither have I been adversely
affected. But, then, my geekdom is limited to minor modifications. So for me, Microsoft
is the reclusive serial killer down the hallway with whom I am not intimately involved
enough to be explicitly aware of the damage he's doing. I just sit home and eat my steak
tartar quietly.
-Ridgely Schantz
If she comes at you with an orangestick and nail polish, be warned: SHE's BEEN
DRINKING. Malt liquor and manicures don't mix. Come to think of it, not much does
mix with malt liquor so I suggest you drink fast.
-Ridgely Schantz
Inside you're laughing. ... Outside you're covered with creamy nougat.
-Ridgley Schantz
Okay, I have you slated for "Carnage, Massive and Widespread" as well as "Pillage,
Plunder, Other" and "Semi-Divine Escort (Brunhilde, Gunhilla, Sigurd: your choice of)".
-Ridgely Schantz
Pennsylvania is just a state that gets in your way when you're trying to get to other states!
-Ridgely Schantz
The correct expression is "my date". If ya can't bring a date to your own wedding...well,
then, consider civilization collapsed.
-Ridgely Schantz
just to set the record straight: the roswell aliens, adolf hitler, JFK, elvis, lee harvey
oswald and a short-order cook from missoula are all living on a sumptious estate owned
by howard hughes just outside of buenos aires.
-Ethan Schartman
watch out for the volvo station wagons, too. actually, i think that the only station wagon
it's permissable to buy is a powder blue late model buick roadmaster with faux wood
panelling, and the driver's door has to be primer brown. no hub caps, neither. (of course,
my personal dream car is a flat-black cadillac hearse with a chopped top, racing slicks,
supercharger with enormous hood scoop, and nitrous oxide - though the nitrous has to be
plumbed into the vent system, not the engine:)
-Ethan Schartman
Web people don't care about your dumb design.
-John Schmitz
Security is a process, not a product.
-Bruce Schneier
If atheism is a religion, then bald is a hair color.
-Mark Schnitzius
A pact between Microsoft and Barney. Sealed in purple blood.
-Dmitri Schoeman
kill me now...uh...better yet, kill him now.
-Dmitri Schoeman
Genetic engineering is like legos, only with really small blocks.
-Dmitri Schoeman
I'd like a large bowl of angst with a side order of frustration, no catsup.
-Dmitri Schoeman
say, josh, if I type a death threat to the president, will you send it from your email
account for me?
-Dmitri Schoeman
Every person takes the limits of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.
-Schopenhauer
To help you truly appreciate how we will verbally communicate with tomorrow's
computers, stop thinking of Star Trek and instead imagine in your mind's ear the
sociopathic musings of a digital Robert De Niro.
-Michael Schrage
They wouldn't know subtlety if it painted itself purple and jumped up and down in front
of them singing "Subtlety is here again"...
-Ian Schrieber, paraphrasing from Black Adder III
The Pledge of Allegiance says 'liberty and justice for all'. Which part of 'all' don't you
understand?
-Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) Colorado
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-Charles Schultz
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a
touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
-E. F. Schumacher
Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good solutions seldom black or
white. Beware of the solution that requires one side to be totally the loser and the other
side to be totally the winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise mediator effects a
compromise, he is not acting from political motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep
sense of respect for the whole truth.
-Stephen R. Schwambach
As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a strategist, nor is
he schooled in the operational arts, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a
soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man, I want you to know that.
-General Norman Schwarzkopf
I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.
-General Norman Schwarzkopf
An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only
the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.
-Albert Schwietzer
Be slow in choosing a friend, but slower in changing him.
-Scottish Proverb
I've suffered for my music, ladies and gentlemen. Now it's your turn.
-Raymond Scum
It is regrettable for the education of the young that war stories are always told by those
who survived.
-Louis Scutenaire
The simple fact is that Apple always was Steve's company, even when he wasn't there.
The force that allowed Apple to survive more than a decade of bad leadership,
cluelessness and constant mistakes was the legacy of Steve's original Art. That legacy
was not just an OS that was 10 years ahead of the rest of the world, but a Cause that
induced a righteousness of purpose centered around a will to innovate -- to perpetuate the
original artistic achievements.
-Doc Searls
If someone tells you that the fully armored man of the Middle Ages was so encumbered
by his armor that he could not rise if he fell, you may well ask yourself, first, if it is
reasonable to assume that professional soldiers would go on wearing armor that kept
them from fighting...
-Nicole Sebastiani
We need the ribbon for evidence.
-Secret Service agent regarding confiscation of an SJG laser printer
I've conquered your love with my hate.
-Secret Squirrel
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
-The last words of General John Sedgwick, Battle of Spotsylvania Courthouse, 1864
Seems to me the basic conflict between man and women, sexually, is that men are like
firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in
two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're exciting, but the conditions
have to be exactly right for it to occur.
-Jerry Seinfeld
As usual with true stories, I hate to say that someone's life wasn't quite as exciting as a
flock of animated chickens, but it's true.
-The Self-Made Critic, on _The Perfect Storm_
This career is supposed to be really high paying. Oh well. At least I'm not out on the
corner of Market and Van Ness with a cardboard sign saying "Will Animate For Food.
God Bless"
-Terri Selting
Bush's family values campaign: The major thrust of Hitler's ascent to power was the
return of traditional German family. The slogan was 'Kinder, kuche, kirche;' in English,
"Children, kitchen, church." The Third Reich believed the return to tradtional family
values was threatened only by Jews, socialists, feminists, and homosexuals. Creepy, huh?
-Tara M. Seman
There is no great genius free from some tincture of madness.
-Seneca
The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn flakes and
Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard Bernstein and living bras are
incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult, probing, meaningful drama when the
proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet
paper.
-Rod Serling
Adults are just obsolete chidren, and to hell with them.
-Dr. Seuss
I was sitting on a curb one day feeling all dejected, and a little bird came along and said
'cheer up, it could be worse', so I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse.
-Dan Shafer
When things start to make sense, check your premises!
-Dan Shafer
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world.
-Mary Shafer, NASA
...when sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions.
-William Shakespeare
Here's a hot scoop for all the millions of viewers who watch the NBC lineup on Thursday
nights: For the next few weeks the stupid sitcom "Suddenly Susan" will be replaced by
the stupid sitcom "The Naked Truth." Adjust viewing habits accordingly.
-Tom Shales, The Washington Post
I made you, and I'm God. That's all you need to know.
-Courtney Shane, Jawbreaker
With the exception of Black which you can generally tell when it is black, Maroon is one
of those colors that gets really devalued by the fact that a lot of us can't tell it's Maroon. If
you go around wearing Violet and it looks good, everyone's going to tell you how your
purple dress looks nice. Most of us had small boxes of crayons as kids, ya know? In a lot
of ways it reminds me of the first grade where I couldn't find the Red in the BIG BOX of
crayons, so I had to borrow red from someone else, except my red wasn't red, it was
sugar red, so when I finished my coloring project I turned it into the teacher, and she
asked me to show her the crayon, and she was very angry with me for using sugar red
instead of red. I had to redo the entire thing during recess. I'm still bitter about it. Ms.
Shipley, where ever you are, i'm going to find you and destroy you.
-Shanoyu, Yohoho Puzzle Pirates forums
The Internet isn't free. It just has an economy that makes no sense to capitalism.
-Brad Shapcott
Each teabag is enveloped in a package that reads "A year-round valentine for everyone
who really loves lemon." Well, I happen to be an ardent enthusiast for that particular
flavor, and I can assure you that this alleged tea tastes less like lemon than most electric
home appliances. The only way this substance could be considered a "year-round
valentine" is by taking the meaning of "valentine" as "a heart," which, if left out in the
open for a year, would be encrusted with congealed blood and covered with small,
creeping insects. This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept
bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually associated with shoelace
collections or counting one's own armpit hairs.
-Mike Shapiro
One funny thing that happened: on my Q&A part, I was asked to recite as many of the
Articles of Faith as I could. One of the ones I mentioned was, "Be discreet in killing." I
got a very strange look and was told that that one wasn't used any more, and was replaced
by "Always know the difference between good and evil." Same difference.
-Mike Shapiro
What sort of bald-faced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common
is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are
equivalent to your prowess at teamaking, which is probably on level with the cat's.
-Mike Shapiro
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-Shatter
A barbarian is one who thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of
nature.
-George Bernard Shaw
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into
pedantry. Hence University education.
-George Bernard Shaw
Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.
-George Bernard Shaw
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in
circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look
for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
-George Bernard Shaw
She had lost the art of conversation, but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.
-George Bernard Shaw
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not
got it.
-George Bernard Shaw
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying
to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
-George Bernard Shaw
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
-George Bernard Shaw
You daren't handle high explosives; but you're all ready to handle honesty and truth and
justice and the whole duty of man, and kill one another to prove it. What a world!
-George Bernard Shaw
It certainly comes up from time to time in the context of, you know, testimony and other
things... We do -- the briefers -- also, from time to time, get those questions as well. As to
-- you know, nothing has changed on that in terms of our position and, you know, I think
it's -- you know, I can refer you to, you know, to probably to previous statements by
officials on that. But I don't have anything -- you know, I mean, you know, our -- I think
-- I don't have -- you know, I -- we -- usually we try to have, you know, a little bit of
something on that. I'm not sure that it's going to be, you know, specifically what you're
looking for. You know, generally speaking, our position that on settlements that it's the
Palestinians and the Israelis have agreed that the final status negotiations will cover these
issues and, you know, that's -- that's also our view.
-State Department deputy press secretary Christine Shelly when asked if there has
been a "clear statement of administration policy on settlements in the occupied
territories."
Hell is a city much like London--A populous and smoky city.
-Percy Shelly
I think our coffee machine is networked -- I keep seeing these dropped sugar packets all
around it.
-Tony Shepps
Why are there no cheese-flavored drinks?
-Ben Sherman
Look, I don't know what this looks like to you - I've lost my ability to tell the difference
between what's cute and what's idiotic...
-Jay Sherman
Well, I've created a new scale that shows which diseases I'd rather have than watch this
movie.
-Jay Sherman
There comes a time when a man must face up to realities and confront them. Fortunately,
this is not such a time.
-Will Sherman
As Josh pointed out, I neglected to mention the 7 inch penis extender.
-Bruce Sherrod
Being off the Internet is like being dead.
-Bruce Sherrod
Not Cool: Being dumped via email.
-Bruce Sherrod
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this
before.
-Bruce Sherrod
Disclaimer: This holiday greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others
and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to
those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
-Bruce Sherrod
Do I detect the signs of an emotionally unstable female?
-Bruce Sherrod
Hey baby, what's your medical history?
-Bruce Sherrod
I can see how this would make it a lot harder to apply oneself to work, especially here
where work is so pointlessly and excruciatingly odious.
-Bruce Sherrod
I didn't make the rules; I just ignore them.
-Bruce Sherrod
I have delusions of adequacy.
-Bruce Sherrod
I just sent a jpeg compressed image, in a unencoded, gzipped, tar file, as a MIME
attachment. Is that cool, or stupid?
-Bruce Sherrod
I think someone installed HateDoubler onto my PC.
-Bruce Sherrod
Internet traffic has been increasing enormously, straining the infrastructure. Click here to
download a 10.5MB Quicktime movie about it.
-Bruce Sherrod
Oh, and I've been on the net since '98. And I have a 13 inch penis.
-Bruce Sherrod
If I can't have quiet in here, I won't be interested in living. Are you interested in dying?
Now, shut up; or I'll send you to a hell you're not familiar with.
-Bruce Sherrod
If you can't beat 'em, make fun of 'em.
-Bruce Sherrod
If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an imported, semi-
automatic assault rifle?
-Bruce Sherrod
It all sucks. Hardware sucks. I hate people asking me about hardware. My advice always:
don't buy anything.
-Bruce Sherrod
It's very important to spend lots of money on more computer hardware, just in case one of
those creative bursts happens. You wouldn't want to be caught thinking, "I could have
been the next Mozart if it wasn't for that lame sound card that I have." Come to think of
it, I should go out and buy a Soundblaster X-Fi right now.
-Bruce Sherrod
Linux: Thousands of people from all over the world help you to shoot yourself in the
foot, for free.
-Bruce Sherrod
Pass the cute chicks more or less all over to me, would you please?
-Bruce Sherrod
So many women, so little nerve.
-Bruce Sherrod
Style, style is important, since there's really no content.
-Bruce Sherrod
Thanks. Now I'm Master Bruce. All I need is a butler named Alfred. And Uma Thurman.
-Bruce Sherrod
That's not passion in my eyes. It's arson.
-Bruce Sherrod
The smile didn't do anything more than flay the skin off my body, sandblast every nerve
and ligament, osterize a few major organs, and fry my eyeballs in their own grease; I
made no visible sign that could possibly have been detected by anyone except the people
present in the room. I think I'm finally over her completely.
-Bruce Sherrod
There are two ways to tell a sexy male. The first is that he has a bad memory. I forget the
second.
-Bruce Sherrod
Is this the stupidest penis contest yet?
-Bruce Sherrod
Well, it has Mosaic and Mac in the title. I think that means it sucks.
-Bruce Sherrod
It plays a gun-cocking sound. It's very satisfying; I'm all ready to shoot myself in the foot.
-Bruce Sherrod
women: can't live with 'em, can't get them to dress in skimpy leather Nazi outfits
-Bruce Sherrod
Yeah; after all, we all know that a man is just a walking life support system for a penis.
Actually, that's not true. There's also money.
-Bruce Sherrod
Lap times give you an objective measure of how close you are to your car's ultimate
capabilities. That is the meaning of "at speed"; it means that the complete system of car
and driver are operating in harmony. It means that everything is being exercised to a
significant fraction of its capabilities. Driving at 90 mph in a straight line is just wanking.
Complaining that you were caught wanking is just whining. Shut up and learn to drive.
-Mike Shields
I have won and you have lost. The question is, why?
-Shin
I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping
elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.
-Carl Shipley
Imagine a sector of the economy that moved a significant proportion of its compensation
off the books in the form of options. If options had real value as you suggest, this would
have the effect of artificially inflating earnings, which in turn would create a
cumulatively false picture of positive growth, which would lead to a share bubble, where
shares are overbid because they seem more valuable than they are, relative to those parts
of the market that do not use options as a way of hiding costs. However, since we know
the market always prices things correctly, we know that this cannot happen, therefore
options must have zero real value til excercised. QED.
-Clay Shirky
The thing I keep reminding myself is that people don't kill people, men kill people.
-Clay Shirky
Viral marketing is not going to save mediocre businesses from extinction. It is the
scourge of the stupid and the slow, because it only rewards companies that offer great
service and have the strength to allow and even encourage their customers to publicly
pass judgment on that service every single day.
-Clay Shirky
Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about, but they just
don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department opens up on you with
an Ingram set to full auto.
-Olin Shivers
Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds at this place?
-Olin Shivers
It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career of brilliant,
original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of random, deeply unhinged
violence.
-Olin Shivers
When I was 12, I found a box containing a bunch of old issues of Hustler in a lot behind
the local 7-11. I began to feel sensations I'd never felt before. Being a scientifically
minded young fellow, I immediately ran home and examined one of the low-angle money
shots through my microscope. That's when I made the horifying discovery that women
are composed of red, yellow and blue dots. I've been trying to live with the implications
of that discovery for years now.
-Shoeboy, Slashdot
I'm not intending to imply insult or judgement here but I am curious to know in order to
be able to respond to your posts in an appropiate manner, so please forgive what appears
to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid?
-Melinda Shore
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with
keyboards.
-Solomon Short
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For
another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in
situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
-Solomon Short
We have a date with destiny, and it seems like she ordered the lobster.
-The Shoveller, Mystery Men
All in all, things were easier to fix when the people running the network were the ones
with the nukes.
-Tim Showalter
Bashing him is like shooting fish in a barrel. Well, dead fish. With a shotgun. The barrel
is laced with explosives. And you're in a harbor with a 20-inch battleship-mounted
cannon, just in case. But if something should go wrong, there's a fish market so you've
got some convenient, prepackaged dead fish just in case.
-Tim Showalter
The Internet Engineering Task Force has a reputation as a standards body, but it's really
just a bunch of people pretending. It has no force behind it, no way of binding people,
they don't sue or whine when someone violates a standard. If you're very lucky, someone
will stand up and call someone else an asshole, then they all go to the bar.
-Tim Showalter
The Unicode Standard is a large, painful book, suitable for use as a blunt object, possibly
as a seventh weapon in the game of Clue. It could play a telephone book in a movie if it
were painted yellow and made more exciting. It could hold up a table if one leg were
several inches short and in need of the sort of support that only a standard can provide.
-Tim Showalter
There is a beaker in the back of the fridge labeled "BIO-HAZARD" which I would
appreciate your leaving alone.
-Jon Shum
Bill Gates says bandwidth should be free. We think software should be free. But it's not.
-John Sidgemore, CEO, MCI Worldcom
I could eat you.
-Jon-Anne Siefert
It's not okay to call unless you have a big web site you want designed, you want to
sponsor one of my pages, or you want to introduce me to a big-breasted single woman.
-David Siegel
This is truly a breakthrough in text-editing technology. People have said that text editors
are boring, but thanks to the amazing speed offered by the TACK board, you'll have so
much fun that you'll need to be sedated.
-Rich Siegel, President and CEO, Bare Bones Software
Not every woman brings you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
-Silent Bob, Clerks
...and I am not going to do the proof because the proof for this is stupid.
-Prof. Silhavy
You know that thing under the sink that catches all the dreck and keeps it in one place?
Now imagine it as an online service.
-Roy Silvernail on Delphi
I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
-Jolyon Silversmith
How many of these abstruse internecine struggles between evolutionists must we endure?
Perhaps the consolation is that, whatever the outome of the debate between Wright and
Gould, the rest of us really can't lose: if the evolutionists win the battle for the minds of
young Kansans, then of course we all win; if the creationists come out on top, it proves
that Gould is right and evolution can proceed backward as well as forward.
-William Silvert
Childbirth is _not_ a miracle. Life is _not_ sacred. When you have twenty thousand
nomads huddled between two rivers in the Middle East and that's it for Homo sapiens,
when one in five children is a live birth, one in ten living past the age of ten, then
childbirth is a miracle and life is sacred. When the average age of a grandmother in
Philadelphia's housing projects is twenty-five, to call childbirth a miracle is at least a
tasteless joke and at worst a true obscenity.
-Dave Sim
Birthdays are good for you. Studies have shown that those who have the most birthdays
live the longest.
-Sean Simmons
I don't need to see the rules - I can lose as I play.
-Sean Simmons
I feel so inspired... I feel like I could fly... I think I'll go jump off that building...
-Sean Simmons
I'm not in marketing. I'm a peon engineer whose printer code doesn't work...
-Sean Simmons
I want to be a lifeguard for the gene pool. You! Out of the pool!
-Sean Simmons
It's over. You're done. You're finished. You can stick a fork in it. You're but a miserable
bug, crushed on the windshield of Klackon imperialism.
-Sean Simmons
Look...! No weaseling content! That's so cool!
-Sean Simmons
People like that I generally have the urge to deal with by thrusting reality in their face as
bluntly as possible, and then beating them about the head with it.
-Sean Simmons
Real men put quiche in their pipe and smoke it.
-Sean Simmons
Scotty, we need shields in the next three seconds, or we all die.
-Sean Simmons
We're the Beavis and Butthead of the STA coding world. "Hey Butthead, look at this
class." "Uh, huh, huh-huh, uh, huh-huh, this sssucks. Let's change it."
-Sean Simmons
In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there
was trouble. For with it came syntax...
-John Simon
People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people
who are just funny and smart.
-Howard Simons, The Washington Post
[Dean Martin] is an absolute, unqualified drunk. And if we ever develop an Olympic
drinking team, he's gonna be the coach ... Dean Martin has been stoned more often than
the United States embassies.
-Frank Sinatra
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good
as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The Marshall Plan .. the Truman Policy .. all pumped billions upon billions of dollars into
discouraged countries. Now, newspapers in those countries are writing about the
decadent war-mongering Americans. I'd like to see one of those countries that is gloating
over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplanes.
-Gordon Sinclair
You know, I'm going to have a migraine tonight because I didn't beat you.
-Lt. Sipowicz, NYPD Blue
It might be scary if my life were to become a farce from which there were no escape, but
not so scary as, say, a ten-foot spider with big googly eyes and fangs.
-Steve Sisson
[Jupiter's] satellites are invisible to the naked eye and therefore can have no influence on
the Earth and therefore would be useless and therefore do not exist.
-Francesco Sizi
I speak spanish and french, enough to find a hotel room and someone to sleep with.
Really. I used to speak both fairly well, but I'm out of practice.
-Catherine Skidmore
A power plant with a contract is really just a gigantic short position for natural gas.
-Jeffrey Skilling, President & CEO, Enron
Never underestimate the power of a fight between Jesus and Santa
-Tim Skirvin
Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
-slashdot
All software sucks. ALL software sucks.
-Jon Slenk
Forget ZEN, I need to get LAID!
-Jon Slenk
i used to look at people when i first met them and think, "i bet i won't like you." now, i
look at them and think, "i bet i won't like your web page."
-Jon Slenk
Just shut up and get on with the killing.
-Jon Slenk
man, trying to do code control with a mac is like killing yourself. oh, wait, killing
yourself would be good. doing code control with a mac is bad. make that "like licking a
cat's inner ear canal."
-Jon Slenk
sure, she's erudite, but what i really need to know is, IS SHE ANY FUN IN BED?
-Jon Slenk
user interfaces usually have one or more of the following properties: 1) they suck to use
2) they suck to use 3) they suck to use
-Jon Slenk
I... HATE this place... this... zoo, this prison, this... reality, whatever you want to call it.
-Agent Smith, The Matrix
I... hate... this internet, this world-wide-web, whatever you want to call it... It's the porn
pop-ups! I feel... saturated by them. And every time I surf the web I fear that I have
somehow become an S&M fanatic.
-Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix
Well, well, Mister Anderson. We meet at last. You'll notice that I'm wearing my
sunglasses indoors. In the normal world, this would make me look stupid. But because
this is after all a sci-fi action thriller, they serve to make me appear menacing.
-Agent Smith, cr0bar's The Matrix
Sure, it trivializes human suffering and death... but other than that, what's you're point?
-Geoff Smith
C is like a huge V8 engine, attached directly to wheels with no gearing, no brake and
must be steered by hand. Perl is a car with an autopilot designed by insane aliens.
-Jeff Smith
The best thing about information at your fingertips is that you can pick your nose with it.
-Matt Smith, "Imminent Crash"
"Beta" is well known to be a synonym for "my cat wrote the floppy disk driver"
-Mike Smith
I've always planned to be a failure anyway, that's why I plan to marry an extremely
wealthy woman.
-Nick Smith, Metropolitan
Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar,
drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to
women.
-Nick Smith, Metropolitan
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.
-Red Smith
After all, we weren't saying these people were innocent, but we were saying you
shouldn't sodomize them.
-Stafford Smith, lawyer representing Camp X-Ray prisoners
The last thing you want to do is spell an elder god's name out correctly.
-Tom Smith, refusing to spell check Cthulhu
Live long and multi-task.
-Mike Smithwick
I see your point. And raise you a line
-Elliot Smorodinsky
Right Wing Politicians, Right Wing Think Tanks, Right Wing Talk Show Hosts, Right
Wing Talking Heads, the "Religious" Right and Right Wing Media all agree there is no
"Vast Conservative Conspiracy"
-The Smudge Report
Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and
pleasure! Beware of such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take
advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE
LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise, what
could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
-Rith Smythers, from Instructions And Advice For The Young Bride, 1894
Whether you're illustrating documentation for your corporate intranet, or leaking
confidential pictures of developmental software to rumors sites on the web, Snapz Pro is
the time-saver that all PowerUsers must have in their arsenal.
-Snapz Pro press release
XML sounds scary. Stuff that begins with the letter X usually does -- there's a reason they
didn't call it "The C Files."
-Jason Snell
Look, how about I kill you?
-Eric Snider
Should have talked to the babe you mentioned earlier. Heck what's the worst that would
have happened? She would have killed you? Heh. That'd be lucky.
-Eric Snider
Yoda spoke to Keith in a dream one day. He said, "Follow you must dream you have.
Good is snoot for to be others view." Keith didn't understand much of this but he knew
that Yoda was probably just a puppet with someone's hand up his ass. He then wondered
what sort of person would shove a hand up Yoda's ass.
-Snoot
Relationships based on boredom. Hmmm. That's a step up from relationships based on
insanity...
-Don Snow
Actresses in porn - unlike in Hollywood - far outearn the actors, choose their co-stars,
and decide what they will do on-screen. (People in the industry like to interpret this as
having power, but it's the power to choose whom you'll have anal sex with, a perk all of
us can presumably take for granted.)
-Lynn Snowden, Deep Inside the Valley of Sin
...there remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the
government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation, and destroy the
male sex.
-Valerie Solanis
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side.
-Han Solo, "Star Wars"
As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule!
-Professor Dick Solomon, Third Rock from the Sun
And finally, there was the English degree. They probably had more than a few concerns
about the employment prospects of someone who'd spent the last four years writing
essays on "Paradise Lost" and "Paradise Regained."
-Susan Solomon
Free Clue for the Clueless: Usenet is not the real world.
-Andrew Solovay
And a worthy bunch of candidates they are! And what a tough decision this will be! And
what a string of uncalled-for exclamation points this is!
-Paul Somerville
I'm not sure about this, but I think if Saint Francis ever met Fred Phelps, the gentle spirit
from Assisi would make an exception and beat him up.
-Paul Somerville
10:30 is a popular time for class, so we can't get another room to take our tests in. That
means we all have to be in here, so it will be very crowded, but if I catch any of you
cheating I'll personally break your kneecaps.
-Dr. Mete Soner
People fear to offend or hurt others, not because they are kind but because they do not
care for the truth.
-Susan Sontag
'Personality' is simply the result of being off balance. We have 'characters' because we
have not found our center of gravity. We do not accept ourselves for what we are, we
retreat from our real selves, and then we erect a personality to bridge the gap.
-Susan Sontag
The appetite for thinking must be regulated, as all sensible people know, for it may stifle
one's life.
-Susan Sontag
The only interesting answers are those which destroy the question.
-Susan Sontag
If you're viewing this page then you're already a winner! ... *The tern "winner" means
many things to many people and we use it in the most tenuous way possible.
-www.sony.com
This server has encountered an internal error which prevents it from fulfilling your
request and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. The most likely cause is a
misconfiguration, or the fact that this is all a plot by the government to drive you insane.
Please ask the administrator to look for messages in the server's error log. His name is
Mel. You can find his home phone number listed in the code for this page. If a woman
named Mabel answers for the love of God hang up!
-www.sony.com
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually
another woman.
-Sim York Soo
The difference between a man and a child is the price of their toys.
-Sim York Soo
There's never money to do things right, but there's always money to do things twice.
-Michael Sorantino
USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines. Meet exciting, unusual people. And flame
them.
-Dan Sorenson
all these post-punk kids with their pale white skin and their black clothing... and their
friggin' moist music...
-Space Ghost
Win? No, but if we think fast, we might live long enough to lie about it.
-from Spaced Invaders
Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!
-from Spaced Invaders
The only truly secure system is one that is powered off, cast in a block of concrete and
sealed in a lead-lined room with armed guards -- and even then I have my doubts.
-Gene Spafford
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to
redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of
excrement when you least expect it.
-Gene Spafford
The ideal technical writer realizes that tech pubs will always be a service organization
with relatively low status in the corporation.
-Steve Spanier, Director of Knowledge Products, Cisco
A man who is willing to commit suicide has the initiative.
-Boris Spassky
although many people do enjoy going to White Castle before, after, and i daresay during
sex, it is possible to enjoy White Castle even when no sex is involved.
-Geoff Spear
anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously
hasn't had enough gratuitous sex
-Geoff Spear
been there, done that, got the death threats
-Geoff Spear
i can still have a geoff complex. it's like a god complex but only cuter and better in bed.
-Geoff Spear
I don't care enough about my purity score to have sex with a dead animal in a ground-
based vehicle weighing more than 5,000 pounds while i'm driving.
-Geoff Spear
I have Slack. I had a 0 GPA at midsemester in the spring, and Laughed at it.
-Geoff Spear
I have Slack. The cars can't hit me. Or kill me.
-Geoff Spear
i haven't slept since the 1st test. i should stay awake and take the 3rd tonight, proving you
can condense a semester into 3 days with no sleep. on second thought, i have nothing to
prove, and there's a bottle of tequila and a futon with my name on 'em
-Geoff Spear
I think any penalty except oral sex is worse than losing.
-Geoff Spear
i think monogamy is an evil concept dreamed up by perverted western religious leaders.
also, you're a wuss.
-Geoff Spear
i'd feel sorry for you if you weren't grossly overpaid.
-Geoff Spear
i'm having FUN! well, in a random disgusting kinda way, but all good fun is disgusting.
-Geoff Spear
I've gotten things more evil than you free at participating mcdonalds.
-Geoff Spear
it's against my religion to drink to escape problems. i can only drink to cause problems.
-Geoff Spear
it's irrelevant, because women exist only to make my life hell, preferably after lots of sex.
-Geoff Spear
of course i don't think you're stupid, dear. well, except in dating that wuss when you
could have someone totally perfect like me.
-Geoff Spear
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
-Geoff Spear
You shouldn't take everything you read on the net seriously... People like me post on the
net just for shits and giggles….
-Geoff Spear
Two's company, three's crossfire.
-Emma Speares
Those who do not understand UNIX are condemned to reinvent it -- badly.
-Henry Spencer
...those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by
which they are surrounded ...Sad, indeed, is it to see how men occupy themselves with
trivialities, and are indifferent to the grandest phenomena-- care not to understand the
architecture of the heavens, but are deeply interested in some contemptible controversy
about the intrigues of Mary Queen of Scots!
-Herbert Spencer
Warning: contains explicit language, violence, and 53M of data.
-Spirit of Christmas: Official Distribution Site
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them.
Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him.
-Spock, "Star Trek"
if you refuse to do it on some general religious principle that Bill Gates is the evil Smurf
Gargamel, then you are just gratuitously ruining your program so that you can feel smug
and self-satisfied, and your users will not thank you for it.
-Joel Spolsky
In 1960, almost 40 years before the Internet came along, Barbra Streisand drops the "a"
from her first name. Of course, with the unusual spelling, it's much easier to find her in
search engines, on Amazon, etc. That woman has incredible foresight.
-Joel Spolsky
If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people; if you're smart, surround yourself
with smart people who disagree with you.
-"Sports Night"
The dead horse was going to move. I swear!
-Andrew Sproule
The opinions expressed in this letter do, in fact, represent the opinions of UCSD, its
employees, faculty, and students, as well as the entire University of California system and
its precious Regents, because, let's face it, I have that kind of power at my disposal.
-Spyder God
Science cannot stop while ethics catches up -- and nobody should expect scientists to do
all the thinking for the country.
-Elvin Stackman
Publishers often refer to prohibited copying as "piracy." In this way, they imply that
illegal copying is ethically equivalent to attacking ships on the high seas, kidnaping and
murdering the people on them.
-Richard Stallman
I BREAK HABITS WHILE THE NUNS ARE STILL IN THEM.
-Rev. Ivan Stang
Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers but no
questions...yet able to deliver an occasional delightful surprise.
-Brenda Starr
This is an Uzi. This is an Uzi on full auto. Any questions?
-William Starr
An efficient organization is one in which the accounting department knows the exact cost
of every useless administrative procedure which they themselves have initiated.
-E.W.R. Steacie
I'm the BIRTHDAY GIRL! I want the BIG GUN!
-Jennifer Steele
Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
-Tim Steeves
Simplicity, of all things, is the hardest to be copied.
-Sir Richard Steele
The people who get things done get more things to do.
-Mark Stehlik
It was not a fine river at all, but it was the only one we had and so we boasted about it---
how dangerous it was in a wet winter and how dry in a dry summer. You can boast about
anything if it's all you have. Maybe the less you have, the more you are required to boast.
-John Steinbeck, East of Eden
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then
why can't he?
-stef@apple.com
Marriage is one thing, but when you mix your Lego collections together, that's going way
beyond intimacy into a whole 'nother realm.
-stefang@isy.liu.se
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
-Gloria Steinem
actually, this is Freebasin' Freddie's diet plan, too. coke for breakfast, coke for lunch,
sensible dinner. it really works!
-Andrew Stellman
Apparently, the Guardian felt that my "conspiracy theory" had some merit, because they
ran an article verifying it. ... The source was the same foreign Pakistani foreign minister.
Apparently the Pakistani government turned that information over to the Taliban, who
had bin Laden's people launch a preemptive strike against my office in retaliation.
Presumably, the strategic loss of my lava lamp has dealt a crushing blow to the U.S.
-Andrew Stellman
Being soft-spoken is a much more attractive quality for a geek... A soft-spoken geek is
endearing, an underdog. A loud, obnoxious geek is just grating. Look at Vince
DelVecchio -- he's soft-spoken, yet geekly. He gets laid.
-Andrew Stellman
Can we assume that person is a complete idiot, or just a partial idiot.
-Andrew Stellman
dan doesn't need to be a girl, all he needs to do is find a dress that fits and accessorize to
his heart's content.
-Andrew Stellman
does cindy crawford come out of a bathroom holding a copy of the camel book in one
hand and a large sausage in the other? yeah, i have that dream too.
-Andrew Stellman
drugs. crack. a jedi knight wants not these things. but get some where can i?
-Andrew Stellman
Everyone and his bisexual brother writes erotica.
-Andrew Stellman
Finally! Woo-hoo! Yay for progress!
-Andrew Stellman
for instance, i was born and raised in the U.S.A., but i was raised by feral wolves, and i
didn't learn to speak english until i was captured by behavioral scientists when i was
twelve. the electroshock therapy is among my fondest childhood memories.
-Andrew Stellman
i tried it on my cat. it doesn't work nearly as well, and makes the cat very grumpy.
-Andrew Stellman, microwave chef
i don't think i can do the other stuff you wanted, but what i can do is obtain a false
passport and travel to equador where i will live for six months under the pseudoname
Julio Garcia, at which point i'll infiltrate the Garzone family that controls the local
government and RISE UP AND GUN DOWN THE CAPITALIST DOGS LONG LIVE
THE REVOLUTION!!! i also make a good cup of earl grey.
-Andrew Stellman
I had to use FORTRAN on many occasions to help my parents out. Most courts would
consider that child abuse.
-Andrew Stellman
I hope I'll be able to adapt back to a regular social structure after four/five years of grad
school.
-Andrew Stellman
I really wish the people who are in charge of the jewish conspiracy to control the world
would let me in on it.
-Andrew Stellman
i take refuge in the fact that what i lack in perversity i make up for in obscurity.
-Andrew Stellman
"i'm not racist because all the reasons i have for hating all the niggers and spics are
absolutely true. repeal welfare and affirmative action now!"
-Andrew Stellman
"i've seen much weirder in new york" is a good generalization, true in practically all
cases.
-Andrew Stellman
in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is not allowed to be the banker in Monopoly.
-Andrew Stellman
I wish I had a dollar for every person who pointed that out to me, thinking they just blew
a huge hole in my entire belief system that would send me into a downward spiral of
inner turmoil. Man, I'd have, like, twelve dollars.
-Andrew Stellman
It took a little research, but it seems that for once I'm not talking out of my ass.
-Andrew Stellman
It's just weird, I never thought I'd ever be carnally connected with a majority of KGB.
-Andrew Stellman on the Web of Shame
it's more than that -- it's the James Dean factor. the bottom line is that, if smoked
correctly, a cigarette really, truly does make you look cooler. it gives you emphysema,
but you look cool.
-Andrew Stellman
It's New-and-Improved York, with the optional Guiliani(tm) brand Quality-Of-Life-o-
matic lifestyle sanitizer. Now with fewer Latinos!
-Andrew Stellman
like diapers, politicians should be changed regularly. for the same reasons.
-Andrew Stellman
no, it's true. that's why they named it after an Egyptian city. if you delete your files, the
hand of god comes down and touches it and it goes to hell. if you call up Microsoft to
complain, they send locusts, boils and frogs, hire some guy to kill your the main
sparcstation in your office (i.e. killing your first-born Sun), and eventually the red sea
parts to let Bill Gates come to your city's Egyptian embassy and start kicking butt left and
right, muttering something about some pharoah or other.
-Andrew Stellman
not me. i like the "hand of god" approach, where a file that is deleted is immediately
obliterated as an act of divine retribution, and if you have the wherewithal to question
god's destructive power (i.e. you want your file undeleted), god smites you and you go
straight to hell. i believe this is an option in the latest Windows 7 beta.
-Andrew Stellman
Oh well, it's nothing that a few thousand dollars worth of therapy can't fix.
-Andrew Stellman
Personally, I think BASIC is superior because it has a longer name than C or LISP,
Pascal and Scheme have lower-case letters, and FORTRAN just basically sucks.
-Andrew Stellman
She might not be sixteen. She might be fifteen. Only one way to find out... Sleep with
her, then check in a few days to see if you've contracted a lawsuit.
-Andrew Stellman
he's perfect the way he is, provided he starts wearing flowered sundresses.
-Andrew Stellman
someone just taught him how to jerk off. "i can't believe it's been there all this time and
nobody ever said anything about it!!!!" rob was quoted as saying. "now i'll NEVER leave
the house."
-Andrew Stellman
sometimes i think that if john lennon hadn't been shot already, i'd do it myself.
-Andrew Stellman
stupid yuppies and computer nerds who make too much money are willing to pay a lot of
money to live someplace where the espresso bars outnumber the poor people.
-Andrew Stellman
Technically, Ozzy is the guy your parents' parents warned them about.
-Andrew Stellman
that's right, contestant number one. you're walking away with the washer-dryer set,a case
of Turtle Wax, and an authentic ancient Roman cross to crucify your loved ones. and
we'll see our returning champion next week, when we look at Bram, Pierce and Maya.
thanks for playing "Geek / Not a Geek!!!" some members of our studio audience received
copies of Propaganda, the magazine that features young boys without their shirts; the Ian
Curtis "Oh-So-Depressed" home suicide kit; and Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.
-Andrew Stellman
the only problem with kittens is that eventually they get cooped up in little boxes with
unstable particles
-Andrew Stellman
the two best tools for writing code are competent subordinates and a cattle prod.
-Andrew Stellman
this looks like a wonderful account of mismanagement and incompetence on every level.
on the other hand, it's netscape, so we already knew that.
-Andrew Stellman
well, it's probably my shining personality, combined with my pleasant breath and body
odor.
-Andrew Stellman
When colleen said, "what the hell have you done to your face?" and pointed out the fine
points of subtlety, i realized that subtlety is just not a part of my personality.
-Andrew Stellman
you know, you're not the first person to ask me about my world domination plans, and to
be perfectly honest, i don't have any. i mean, it's hard enough for me to manage my own
projects, much less the world. really, just try to imagine the amount of paperwork
involved in running the world. i'm happy enough to leave that to the lawyers and the
accountants, thank you very much.
-Andrew Stellman
Computers this powerful are supposed to shut themselves down, after you've asked them
to. Turning one off with the hard switch is like lulling someone to sleep by severing their
spinal column.
-Neal Stephenson.
During this century, intellectualism failed, and everyone knows it. In places like Russia
and Germany, the common people agreed to loosen their grip on traditional folkways,
mores, and religion, and let the intellectuals run with the ball, and they screwed
everything up and turned the century into a shithole. Those wordy intellectuals used to be
merely tedious; now they seem kind of dangerous as well.
-Neal Stephenson
Technology makes it possible to have our appendices out when they get infected, so that
we are able to live long enough to get our heads out of our asses and learn about the
world.
-Neal Stephenson
To create an entirely new OS from scratch, just because none of the existing ones was
exactly right, struck me as an act of such colossal nerve that I felt compelled to support it.
-Neal Stephenson
I hope I'm not being all depressing, but that is kind of my point here.
-Bruce Sterling
In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and
you don't realize the damage until its too late.
-Bruce Sterling
In 1914, the lamps went out all over Europe. Life during the rest of the twentieth century
was like crouching under a rock.
-Bruce Sterling
It isn't written on tablets of gold that we pampered Yankee mall rats are destined to rule
the universe. There are times in life when people are required to measure up and show
some mettle. It's alarming when our Congress does dumb things and our institutions look
like they're caught all flat-footed, but you know, we don't have some extra, better
Congress stashed away in an attic; this is Washington, and this is it. We don't have an
extra American population, either; dumb, pampered, red-white-and-blue, whatever, we
are them. Adversity has its uses. We're learning a lot about ourselves by going through
this. If we can just manage to make some fresh mistakes, we may end up in some place
really interesting, better than we had, not all damp, crooked, and muddled, but clearer and
more sensible. We should hope for that, and work for that.
-Bruce Sterling
The twentieth century featured any number of -isms. They were fatally based on the
delusion that philosophy trumps engineering. It doesn't. In a world fully competent to
command its material basis, ideology is inherently flimsy. "Technology" in its broad
sense: the ability to transform resources, the speed at which new possibilities can be
opened and exploited, the multiple and various forms of command-and-control --
technology, not ideology, is the twentieth century's lasting legacy. Technology broke the
gridlock of the five-decade Cold War. It made a new era thinkable. And, finally,
technology made a new era obvious.
-Bruce Sterling
These law-abiding hackers have the power, ability, and willingness to influence other
people's lives quite unpredictably. They have means, motive, and opportunity to meddle
drastically with the American social order.
-Bruce Sterling
I would not cross the road to piss on him if he was on fire.
-Nici Sterling
Contrary to the beliefs of some, I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking
solution.
-Sarah Sterling
You know you need sleep when you get into an elevator going down and it feels like
you're going up.
-Sarah Sterling
If you can't explain it, you damn well shouldn't have written the code.
-Zalman Stern
The problem with the cutting edge is that someone has to bleed.
-Zalman Stern
The world is full of bozos. Some of them have Phd's in Computer Science.
-Zalman Stern
While today's digital hardware is extremely impressive, it is clear that the human retina's
real time performance goes unchallenged. Actually to simulate 10 milliseconds of the
complete processing of even a single nerve cell from the retina would require the solution
of about 500 simultaneous nonlinear differential equations 100 times and would take at
least several minutes of time on a Cray supercomputer. Keeping in mind that there are 10
million or more such cells interacting with each other in complex ways, it would take a
minimum of 100 years of Cray time to simulate what takes place in your eye many times
each second.
-John K. Stevens, "Reverse Engineering the Brain", Byte
Man cannot live by words alone, though he is sometimes forced to eat them.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
Public confidence in the integrity of the Government is indispensable to faith in
democracy; and when we lose faith in the system, we have lost faith in everything we
fight and spend for.
-Adlai E. Stevenson
If you're watching this and you're still in the closet, you're lucky -- because I don't
understand how you can get cable in there.
-Patrick Stewart
The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
-Henry Stimson
You have some intriguing ideas. Have you considered naming yourself after a radioactive
element?
-Lewis Stiller
BUY RAM NOW! Its like candy! You can do ram for less money then you can do
CRACK! You'll be telling people, "You're on RAM!"
-Brian Stillman
I love this job. Nothing like paranoia and neurosis. Who needs a Coke habit? I've got
journalism!!
-Brian Stillman
You're stapling wings to a pig and hoping it will fly. It's hard to see how you get from
there to an F-18.
-Art Stine
If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker
that came along would destroy civilization.
-Reede Stockton
I have been listening to this for a decade--about this phenomenal revolution that is going
to influence my life so deeply and change everything. Well, my life has not been deeply
influenced by it. If you want to know what's revolutionized my life, it's the birth of my
two children.
-Clifford Stoll on "the Internet revolution"
Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new
one every six months.
-Clifford Stoll
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the
history of music... and of aviation.
-Tom Stoppard
Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there
should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins.
-Tom Stoppard
We're more of the love, blood and rhetoric school... We can do you blood and love
without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can
do you all three concurrent or consecutive, but I can't give you love and rhetoric without
the blood. Blood is compulsory.
-Tom Stoppard
We presume the Apple legal staff is all primed and ready to descend in wrath upon the
honeymoon cottage immediately if the happy groom even attempts to 'look and feel'.
-Lon Stowell on Bill Gates's engagement
Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
-Mike Stratford, "Doctor, Doctor"
No matter what their cultural underpinnings, though, most simulation games have one
thing in common: they're dull as all heck. Whether you're methodically building a fortress
to keep barbarians from pillaging your delicate sprout of a city, or a white picket fence to
keep your livestock from wandering to a neighboring farm (another tip from Nintendo:
"You need to buy only one chicken to start building your poultry empire"),
disemboweling a Shaolin boss is a lot more fun, not to mention less time consuming.
And, especially here in New York, it's just as valid a survival skill as growing vegetables.
-Bob Strauss
Harpists spend ninety percent of their lives tuning their harps and ten percent playing out
of tune
-Igor Stravinsky
I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time -- but lately several days have
attacked me at once.
-Guy Streeter
Damn, it hurts. It's a good pain. But it's painful.
-Jason Streitfield
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people
themselves.
-August Strindberg
Rewrite and revise. Do not be afraid to seize what you have and cut it to ribbons ... Good
writing means good revising.
-Strunk and White, Elements of Style
The survival value of human intelligence has yet to be satisfactorily demonstrated.
-Jeremy Stone, "The Andromeda Strain"
Of course moving sucks. Last time I moved (about 3 years ago) it took me 3 days just to
move down 2 flights of stairs. It should have only taken about a day and a half, but my
parents helped.
-Tom Strong
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it
blows away your whole leg.
-Bjarne Stroustrup
I am no longer living in my prime. I won't be again until I'm 107.
-Dirk Struick on his 104th birthday
Just because they built a spaceship, it doesn't mean they know about technology. It might
have been blind luck.
-Gerard Stubbs
I need to exercise. I'm not like you with your slim, lean alcohol and nicotine soaked
organs.
-Ray Stumbaugh
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
-Ray Stumbaugh
I like using the phrase "transitive closure" because it makes me feel that computer science
graduate school really was the best 10 years of my life.
-Pete Su
Beware of geeks bearing gift economies.
-Suck
If an expert marketing staff was all that was necessary to successfully bring a product to
market, we'd all be eating McRibs, watching Chevy Chase, dressing Hasidic chic, and
listening to Hootie and the Blowfish.
-Suck
If you had any doubts about what the fate of over five years of largely worthless Director
content would be, make no mistake: it's coming to the Web in its full Grandma Bear On
Quaaludes, Around-the-World in 80 Miserable Minutes, Mix-Your-Own Paris Hilton
Digizine glory.
-Suck
"Most men experience impotence at some time in their lives as a result of stress, fatigue,
or excessive alcohol consumption." Um, good thing no one here is getting any (sex, that
is). But if we were and tended to fall short of the task at hand, we'd look to the On-Line
Guide to Impotence for help. We might probe into the FAQ section for more answers:
"I've read that impotence is often 'just in a man's head.' Is that true?" Yes - thanks to the
miracle of modern science, importance AND impotence have been traced directly to a
man's "head." But how does the impotent man rise to the challenge? You guessed it - the
key is a patented potion brought to you by those philanthropists at Upjohn. Caverject: It's
name alone will turn you on. "Clinical studies prove that when used correctly, it causes
an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse in approximately 80% of men, regardless
of cause." But not firm enough to, say, prop open a door or smack a kid in the head with.
Regardless of cause. Seriously, though - we are grappling with a real pickle, and the
upshot is: "[I]f the situation persists or interferes with normal sexual activity, consult a
physician." And if you're impotent and claim that it doesn't interfere with normal sexual
activity, then run, don't walk, to the nearest, uh, shrink.
-Suck
Pity the poor slob who just wants to get something done. Set adrift in a sea of
functionality he can neither comprehend nor control -- buried in toolbars, insulted by
assistants -- he can only look at the state of the average application's user interface and
think that things can't possibly get any worse. Inevitably, he's wrong.
-Suck
"Skins" are a recent product of the hyper-democratization of code. The computer
equivalent of back-ally chin tucks, skins allow a growing number of applications to
change their looks in a growing number of ways, almost all of them bad.
-Suck
"The only guide to stylish post-feminist modem grrrl culture." If the word "stylish"
doesn't make you shudder, that clever ploy of tacking on a "post-" to one-up an entire
ideology should whisper "bull caca" in your ear.
-Suck
Unfortunately, most bitter people don't have an editor.
-Suck
Weaned on nighttime soaps and The Bonfire of the Vanities, it makes sense that new
media youngsters would try to squeeze a novel or a book out of what they do for a living.
But any book that relies solely on an employment milieu for mass appeal had better be set
in a brothel, because despite all our talk of reach-arounds and prostituting ourselves, there
is nothing inherently sexy about going to work.
-Suck
Well, the sun is out and the power is on today, that's the best we can hope for here in
California
-Sun Microsystems rep during an analyst conference call
...rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to
receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have
made our position unassailable.
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War
you don't like techno!... you don't listen to techno (sequenced music made with
computers and electronic instrumentation)... its bad for you...it all sounds exactly the
same... and scary people you don't like listen to it... they all dress the same and listen to
the same music...and for god's sake they're happy!... don't forget you're a "rivethead"
you're INDUSTRIAL! you're better than them, you go to INDUSTRIAL clubs and listen
to INDUSTRIAL music (sequenced music made with computers and electronic
instrumentation)... you're an individual... you're angry... you take yourself way to
seriously for that silly fluffy stuff! Right!?!
-Simon Sutherland
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does!
-Greg Sutter
Afterwards, we go over the dos and don'ts of campus life. You know: smoke your pot
over by the lake, keep your vomit from binge drinking off the floor, and never, ever share
files over the Internet.
-Aaron Swartz
I suppose the point is that if you want the real story, you don't go through the official
channels. You talk to the mate who has a mate who works in Cupertino. And that's
actually the way the "fact" side of the game is played (as Joe, I assume, knows from
experience), as opposed to the "hack" side, which is conducted through "the official
channels", and through junkets and launches and lunches, and pretty PR girls with
degrees from Wellesley.
-Nick Sweeney
He may be a god to you, but to us, he's another chubby engineer who needs to practice
his plasma gun skills.
-Nick Sweeney
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded
more than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the
voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character.
-Jonathan Swift
I'd like to find whoever said suffering was good for the soul and nail his eyes to a board.
-David Swim
I'm just like Hamlet! Except, well, i'm not a prince. And my uncle didn't kill my father
and marry my mother. Oh, and my girlfriend didn't drown herself in a river because I
pretended like I never loved her. And I haven't died of poison. well at least, not yet. But
the moody depression thing, I got that down COLD, jack.
-David Swim
leave me alone or i'll be fabulous at you
-David Swim
The problem with being in the top 10 percent of the human population is the other 90
percent.
-David Swim
You lead the most annoyingly pedestrian existance. Shouldn't you be watching Friends or
something?
-David Swim
There is no such thing at this date of the world's history in America as an independent
press. You know it, and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write his honest
opinion, and if you did, you know beforehand it would never appear in print. I am paid
weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper. Others of you are paid similar
salaries for similar things. and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest
opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allow my honest
opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before 24 hours, my occupation would be
gone. The business of the journalist is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to
vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon and to sell his country and his race for his daily
bread. You know it, and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press?
We are the tools and the vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks.
They pull the strings, and we dance. We are intellectual prostitutes.
-John Swinden, 1953, then head of the New York Times, when asked to toast an
independent press in a gathering at the National Press Club
Those who have never tried electronic communication may not be aware of what a
"social skill" really is. One social skill that must be learned, is that other people have
points of view that are not only different, but threatening, to your own. In turn, your
opinions may be threatening to others. There is nothing wrong with this. Your beliefs
need not be hidden behind a facade, as happens with face-to-face conversation. Not
everybody in the world is a bosom buddy, but you can still have a meaningful
conversation with them. The person who cannot do this lacks in social skills.
-Nick Szabo
Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has
thought.
-Albert Szent-Gyorgi
The brain is not an organ of thinking but an organ of survival, like claws and fangs. It is
made in such a way as to make us accept as truth that which is only advantage. It is an
exceptional, almost pathological constitution one has, if one follows thoughts logically
through, regardless of consequences. Such people make martyrs, apostles, or scientists,
and mostly end on the stake, or in a chair, electric or academic.
-Albert Szent-Gyorgi