They keep me in the print shop

imprisoned, please help me!!!

Tropico daily

I havent laughedso muchsince the first

editionof the Bible.
J.Esus

Pictures:
Page 6: Swimmingpool: Theodore C (CC BY-ND 2.0), https://www.flickr.com/photos/cyclops-photo/7054282419/in/photostream/
Page 8: Woman with long neck: Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0), https://www.flickr.com/photos/azrainman/1004238730
Page 12: Nightlife Sun club: Alisha Vargas (CC BY 2.0), http://www.flickr.com/photos/alishav/4861580678/
Page 13: Nightlife Adventure: Marcelo Braga (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/elbragon/4385568696/
Page 14: Nightlife Culture: francois notfrancois (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/frenchy/3824390450/
Page 15: Nightlife Party: ~My aim is true~ (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/sallypics/80375993/
Page 16: Tourism - Llamas: Thomas Quine (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/quinet/98188354/
Page 17: Mount El Presidente Before: Foto von Michael Hamann (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/michitux/5481606185
Page 17: Mount El Presidente After: Foto von Peter Heilmann (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/peter_heilmann/2858704451
Page 18: Rioja Trench: A. Froese (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/anfroese/3484182012
Page 19: Tropican Gardens: Udo54 (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/udo54/8065983053
Page 20: Tyramids: Kitty Terwolbeck (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/kittysfotos/7907065728
Page 21: The Tropican Inn: Onnola (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/30845644@N04/9188737177
Page 23: The Cozy Bridge: R. Walker (CC BY 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/mountainash/5167490619
Page 24: Space Travel: Sludge G (CC BY-SA 2.0): https://www.flickr.com/photos/sludgeulper/2923809322
Page 26: Statistics: Jon Feinstein (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/jonfeinstein/519914693
Page 27: Celebrity Bernadette Berheide: Iaki Queralt (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/inaxo/3454773185/
Page 28: Celebrity Michele Brownello: Okko Pyykk (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/data_op/2446536264/
Page 28: Celebrity Timmy the Kid: jamieleto (CC BY-SA 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/jamieleto/3261736239/
Page 29: Celebrity Dennis Mad Dog Lennon: Superfantastic (CC BY-SA 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/superfantastic/24559448/
Page 31: Literature: thefixer (CC BY 2.0) http://www.flickr.com/photos/fixersphotos/5192655927/
Page 34: Industry: Indi Samarajiva (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/indi/3916569560
Page 36: Geography: dynamosquito (CC BY-SA 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/dynamosquito/3029711166/lightbox/
Page 38: Clubs: belgraded.com (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/beograd/4995173223
Page 39: Mud Wrestling: tmv_media (CC BY-SA 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/tmv_media/7958965218
Page 40: kryt : Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/azrainman/2093251882
Anja Disseldorp (CC BY 2.0) https://www.flickr.com/photos/jadis1958/5421092855

Always the Latest edition

364th edition
Copyright Kalypso Media Group GmbH
Published by the State Publishing Department of Tropico, Tropico City
Printed in Molwanien (www.weprintforrealmoney.molw)
Design: 100% fair trade forced labour camp imprisonment
(supported by the Action against child labour Tropico)
Illustrations: censored
Credit: existent
Text: readable
Censorship: State Ministry for media security and reconnaissance, Tropico City

Table of Contents
Tropico - Introduction / History

Tropico - Weather

Tropico - Entertainment

10

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

11

Tropico - Tourism

16

Tropico - Space

24

Tropico - Tropican Facts and Figures

26

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

27

Tropico - Literature

31

Tropico - The Jolly Roger

32

Tropico - Industry

34

Tropico - Geography

35

Tropico - Invention of the kickboard

37

Tropico - Sports

38

Tropico - Tropicos History

40

41

Tropico - Language

Tropico - Introduction / History

Picture: Theodore C (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Congratulations, dear reader! You have decided to buy the Tropico Guide from your
hard-earned savings. This is not only a worthwhile investment, but almost a necessity,
for those who do not understand and obey the countrys laws can very easily run
afoul of El Presidente. And were certain you will truly wish to avoid something like
that ! Basically, the rules of conduct for your stay in Tropico can be summarized quite
simply: Obey, spend a lot of money and make sure you are always in a good mood!
Oh yes, and you must always obey!
However, despite this simplified summary the socio-cultural microcosm itself is very
complex. But before we go further into detail, we would like to first give you an
overview of our prosperous and influential country. Discover beautiful sandy beaches
and forests populated by exotic animals, stroll through magnificent strip malls and
learn about Tropicos history, which is steeped in tradition. We wish you a safe stay.

Tropico - Introduction / History

Such amazing sandy beaches can only be found in Tropico.

From these fertile grounds a prosperous republic shall arise, built on hard
labor, low wages and ruthless dictatorship!
It was with these words in which the island of Tropico was founded upon by her
colonial masters. And these principles endure to this very day. The combination of
the willingness of this countrys citizens to subjugate themselves and their gratitude
and devotion to El Presidente have created a bustling economy amidst a unique
climate. Once the brightest minds in the country finished their research into pioneering
technologies such as wood planks and pavement there were no limits to growth.
Solidarity and teamwork allowed even the darkest moments in Tropicos history to be
overcome - such as the devastating Llama Wars of 1890 or the outbreak of the owl
plague in the early twentieth century.

Tropico - Weather
Thanks to our ancestors devotion you may here and now enjoy the benefits of
a global economic and military power without having to make compromises in
temperature, catering or uncontrolled riots by disgruntled citizens.
Tropico invites you on a cultural, culinary and nuclear-powered voyage of discovery
you will not soon forget.

Weather

Picture: Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0)

In Tropico, people dont make a long face when

it rains.

Even if the rest of the world prefers

to cling to the illusion of a Caribbean
paradise where the sun always
shines, the locals know that Tropico
is located in an unpredictable climate
zone between the subtropical high
pressure belt and global trade wind low
pressure area.
Although the sun does shine 365 days
of the year, this only applies to the
upper layers of the atmosphere. Below
twelveteen
kilometers
tornadoes
with sleet are a common occurence.
Global warming has led to these
storms reaching sometimes monstrous
proportions, which in turn has led to
increased reports of entire herds of
Llamas being killed by coconut-sized
hailstones in recent years. The supertsunamis and sharknados predicted by
doomsday preachers have fortunately
so far been limited to neighboring
islands such as Cayo de Fortuna, BaoBao or Isla del Denefleh.

Tropico - Weather
Relief and Northern Lights

The meridional dissection of relief fosters the flow of cold air currents from arctic
climes. However, by the time these arrive in Tropican waters they have warmed to a
point where they have no influence whatsoever on the meteorological situation. These
air masses often contain large amounts of polar ice crystals, especially in October,
which lead to spectacular northern lights phenomena in the middle tropopause.
At least, thats the official explanation. Discerning lovers of the ganja and alternative
media prefer to explain this phenomenon as the result of the commissioning of the
largest existing antenna system high up on a local active volcano; which emits highenergy long-wave radiation into the ionosphere. Supposedly for weather research
and geological warfare.
Temperature, precipitation

Temperatures on the island are above 64.4 Fahrenheit all year round, but can also
sometimes drop below 17 Celsius on winter nights. This contrast is related to the
constant zenith angle of the sun throughout the year and only highly intelligent, rich
and well-educated academics capable of converting from Celsius to Fahrenheit can
explain this bizarre freak of nature.
Rainfall outside the sleet tornado period from January to December is practically
unknown; at 1,200mm per day and square meter Tropico is way out in front in being
far above the average global lower mean value.
The 50-year storm

According to legend, every fifty years a storm of devastating proportions hits

Tropico, accompanied by huge waves and mass algae death. This urban legend
is most common among surfers and the seriously deranged. Supposedly a young
boy named Manchego Tujendte surfed a 35-meter wave to the front door of the
Presidential Palace in the summer of 1963 and was subsequently sentenced to nine
years in prison for trespassing, political espionage and disorderly conduct. The roots
of the regular reoccurrence of this atmospheric peculiarity are attributed to fluctuations
in the Earths magnetic field and the natural evaporation of sea water through
atomic testing.

Tropico - Entertainment
Tropico is a special place in all respects, as you have certainly already noticed. And
when it comes to entertainment and sports facilities, nowhere in the world will you
find a place as distinctive as our friendly little island country.
Popular Sports: Bolf

Invented in Tropico in 1947, Bolf is a unique mix of two popular sports, bowling
and golf. Bolf was invented by Thomas Woodaro after God asked him to do so
one sunny day in May. For more on the invention and rules of Bolf, see the chapter
Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals.
The Tropican State Theatre

Known across the island, the Tropican State Theatre offers sophisticated, cultural
entertainment around the clock, seven days a week, 365 days a year (in common
years, 366 days in leap years). Approximately 99 % of the time the philosophical
piece No Show plays, the first play in the world to eschew all humanist involvement.
The Tropico Observer described No Show as a timeless masterpiece which
encourages the viewer to think. The Tropico Times wrote that it is a milestone
in the field of imaginative theatre and a cultural trailblazer for this new form of
sophisticated entertainment. And even the traditionally somewhat grumpy critic of
the Daily Tropico, C. Schluetter, spoke enthusiastically of a breath of fresh air in the
theatre and an unexpectedly pleasant theatre experience totally free of any human
involvement.
Cinopico

The Tropican cinema Cinopico holds a number of special features in store for
visitors. In addition to the standard movie theater, the Cinopico offers three separate
themed theaters in each of which the theme is crucial to the design of the room.
In the Get to the Choppa theater, for instance, viewers sit on stationary mounted
motorcycles and receive a complimentary leather jacket for the duration of the film,
whereby the wearing is, of course, optional.
As a rule, this is the venue for action films. In the Romeo & Juliet theater,
however, couples in love can cuddle up in one of the 30 available double beds
(freshly made with clean sheets after each performance and featuring built-in paper
towel dispensers) to enjoy the latest romantic comedy. In the Last Room on the
Left theater horror film aficionados can take their places on one of a total of 54
comfortable sofas, ideally suited for draping a sheltering arm around their anxious
girlfriend/boyfriend at the right moment.

10

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

Fischers Club

The Fischers Club has nothing to do with those nice men at sea who earn their
money harvesting marine life, but is rather named after its leader, German immigrant
Wolfgang Fischer. Fischers Club is a hotel, adult playground and THE place for
naturists, nudists and honey connoisseurs.
Unspeakable things go on in Wolfgangs Honey Room located on the 3rd floor, 2nd
door on the right recognizable by the sticky door handle.

Tropicos Nightlife

Should you successfully survive the arrival and entry into Tropico you can look
forward to enjoying a globally unique nightlife in addition to the many attractions.
This small island nation is an insider tip for beach lovers, hardcore adventure travelers
and culture enthusiasts.
Pubertal party-goers will also find what theyre looking for in Tropico. Below you will
therefore find a list of nocturnal destinations sorted according to the categories
previously mentioned.

11

Picture: Alisha Vargas (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

Corn: very healthy and keeps you slim. Tastes especially good with fried chicken.

For Beach Lovers

It goes without saying that sun worshipers are right in their element on a Caribbean
island like Tropico. However, while the pesky day-night change in Hawaii and the like
only lets you use half of your precious vacation time for sunbathing and browning,
Tropico offers you the opportunity to sunbathe around the clock. Of course, the
Earths rotation does bring periods of darkness.
Clever Tropican engineers, however, developed and built the SUNday Club (motto:
Every day is a SUNday). Inside you will find an authentic replica of a beach with its
own sun in the form of powerful ceiling-mounted UV lights. These ensure a constant
illumination of 110,000 lux. In addition to the 500 sun lounges, the picturesque sandy
beach with playing fields for beach volleyball and three beach bars, a 12 million litre
saltwater pool and a childrens playground offer additional means of entertainment.

12

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

But thats not enough. To avoid sunburn, there are ceiling sprinkler systems that
automatically dispense a pleasant rain of sunscreen lotion upon the guests at
regular intervals. That way you can even tan in your sleep. Virtually overnight. Why is
something like this really only available in Tropico? It doesnt really matter...
For Adventure Travelers

Picture: Marcelo Braga (CC BY 2.0)

So, you want to experience that real adventure feeling

on your holiday? Then Tropico is the vacation destination
for you! In the depths of the Tropican jungle a thousand
year old temple complex called Mucho Muneto de la
Touristo awaits you with an unforgettable night. Get
ready to explore the several kilometers in length, partly
underground complex by moon and torchlight as part of
the Nights of the Temple attraction. It offers pit traps
filled with snakes, rocks tumbling from the ceiling, poison
arrows shooting from walls and a waiver that would make
even Indiana Jones turn tail!

Recorded at a height of 48 centimetres

with the image rotated 90 degrees to give
it that dramatic feel

13
13

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

Picture: francois notfrancois (CC BY 2.0)

Tragic: narcoleptic museum visitors on Tropico. Note the detailed Christmas decorations.

For Culture Enthusiasts

Close to the above-mentioned temple Mucho Muneto de la Touristo is the Tropican

Cultural Museum, whose doors also never close. On the contrary, special tours
from the Night at the Museum programme display the mysterious auras of many
artifacts and exhibits to their best advantage. Famous exhibits include the pen
with which the Tropican Constitution was written, the horn of the last unicorn, two
fertilized dragon eggs, the establishment of the anteroom of the Amber Room, the
worlds first epilator (invented by Tropican, B. Berheide) and a lightsaber (on loan from
the famous Tropican inventor of the time machine and first time traveler, Michele
Doc Brownello).

14

Picture: ~My aim is true~ (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Tropicos Nightlife

Contained in picture: three-half empty bottles and two fullbarrels

For Party-Goers

You want to drink and party like theres no tomorrow? Then theres only one place for
your vacation: welcome to the Braindead Club! It features four underground floors
of alcohol, high-performance loudspeakers, 14 different dance floors and continuous
music that sounds like it could have come from a drunk three year old (that may
actually be the case).
The trick: To save time and money, upon entering you will receive a party kit
consisting of a vial of only minimally diluted alcohol including an accelerator, a single
camera with a mandatory direct Facebook link to automatically upload all those
embarrassing snapshots; as well as a badge worn around the neck which identifies
you to taxi drivers, policemen, highwaymen, robbers and other nocturnal encounters
that a party-goer might be too drunk to communicate with clearly. In addition to your
name and the address of your hotel, you should also record the exact place in which
you keep your cash (for taxi drivers, policemen, highwaymen, robbers and other
nocturnal encounters).

15

Tropico - Tourism

Picture: Thomas Quine (CC BY 2.0)

Tourism is, next to illegal money

laundering
systems
and
the
monetary exchange generated by the
average 38 wives per male native, one
of the main sources of income on the
island nation. In addition to the beachhugging hotel facilities reaching up to
30km inland, the Llama tours are also
enjoying ever increasing popularity.
Long-term unemployed dressed
in homemade Llama costumes
crocheted from Catholic mouflon lead
interested tourists through cozy innerurban shanty towns while occasionally
spitting at non-paying tourists in the
eye without warning.
Even though Tropico is a civilized
country, you should still engage the
services of a professional tourist
guide when exploring the most
interesting corners of the island, which
present themselves to interested
tourists like unpolished diamonds in
the rough. Registered and therefore
officially recognized tourist guides
often dress up as beggars loitering
about, as they generally earn far more
Here you see an image of your typical Tropican transport. On
money begging than through honest
the left is the Llama: make a note of the similar hairstyle to
work. Loitering beggars in turn often
avoid confusion
work as registered tourist guides. It
can be challenging indeed for first-timers here to spot the difference right away.
High-quality hotels are to be found in abundance all over the island. Some even have a
star, others none at all. Most hotel areas feature unobtrusive staff, as they are chronically
understaffed. Some hotels also offer a heated pool. This does not mean that the water is
actually heated, but rather only that it is in principle possible to heat the pool.
Official statistics on tourism in Tropico are sparse and sometimes very outdated. This may be
due to the fact that the Tourist Authority is closed 51 weeks of the year, as the staff are on a
business trip and therefore on vacation.
The last official evaluation dates from 1982 and shows the following tourism flows: Visitors from
East Berlin (52%), from Molwania (77%), Albania (24%), Switzerland (33 billion Euros), Germany
(14 % - 99% of which from Bavaria) and from Bottrop - Kirchhellen (0.0000011 %).

16

Tropico - Tourism

Attentive readers may have noticed that the total number of tourists thus amounted to 33 billion
Euros and 167.0000011 %, which is mathematically somewhat difficult to explain. The Bureau
of Statistics, however, believes the figures to be correct.
Important Note: tourists are not to be confused with terrorists! The one group overruns an entire
region shooting anything that comes into in their so-called sights while the others are terrorists.

Attractions

Picture: Peter Heilmann (CC BY 2.0)

Picture: Michael Hamann

(CC BY 2.0)

Mount El Presidente

Mount El Presidente - Before

Mount El Presidente - After. Work on Mount El

Presidente lasted nearly eleven minutes. Here you can
see the beloved father of El Presidente performing the
ceremonial first ascent.

Through the miracle of modern slavery - in technical jargon temp agencies - Mount
El Presidente was raised from its original height of 69cm to an altitude of 289m
through the most painstakingly detailed work. Upon completion of this mammoth
project, the original name Grassy Hump was changed to Mount El Presidente, or
MEP for short and bears the likeness of the islands beloved ruler.
A corresponding light concept makes both the mountain and El Presidentes likeness
clearly visible even in the far-off capital. In the beginning, a high-power laser system
designed to produce a spectacular light show every night was used. However,
this led to unexpected side effects. After a number of passing commercial aircraft
crashed, a less ambitious and more cost-effective lighting concept was installed.

17

Tropico - Tourism

The Rioja Trench

The Rioja Trench is one of the island nations oldest attractions. It runs through the
island from north to south. Depending on the viewing angle - and opinions here are
widely divergent - it might possibly also run from east to south.
This ground formation is 1.3 km long and 13m wide. There are no concrete
measurements of its exact depth, but the extraordinarily intoxicated vintners who
previously fell into it were always able to get out without much trouble.It therefore
appears unlikely that the maximum depth exceeds one meter.

Picture: A. Froese (CC BY-SA 2.0)

There is also a great deal of academic dispute about the names origin. However, it is
safe to assume that the aforementioned vintners had something to do with it.

The dimensions (especially the depth) of the trench are barely noticeable in this photo. Its huge, honest!

18

Tropico - Tourism

The Tropican Gardens

The Tropican Gardens are in their own way unique throughout the world. El Presidente
has had the phrase The Tropican Gardens protected under global licensing laws,
which ensures that the gardens truly are unique in the world. The gardens are home
to numerous native plants and flower species, such as the Presidential Orchid,
whose blossoms only fully open to bloom when El Presidente walks past it.
No less impressive is the East Tropican Tusk. This cactus-like plant is classed
as carnivorous and thus helps maintain a balance within the gardens. They destroy
flies, small varmints and homeless islanders and are therefore also known and even
feared outside the gardens. However, homeless vegetarian islanders have nothing to
fear from this carnivorous plant.

Picture: Udo54 (CC BY 2.0)

Tropican landscapers had a lot of trouble working around the local native paintings especially when it came to
the little details.

19

Tropico - Tourism

The Tyramids

Widespread opinion considers the pyramids in Egypt to be the first of their kind.
But the Tyramids in Tropico were built long before the pyramids. It is still not
entirely clear just why these were ever built or what purpose they were supposed
to serve. Historians surmise an early job creation measure designed to whitewash
unemployment statistics. Others believe that the builders were simply bored and
found too many rocks in the immediate vicinity. To comply with early building permit
conditions, fire extinguishers were installed at every second step.
This proved to be an extremely difficult task, as fire extinguishers per se never went
into mass production and did not enter the market until 1902. It is therefore no great
wonder that construction took a total of four to five thousand years to complete.

Tropico - Tourismus

Picture: Kitty Terwolbeck (CC BY 2.0)

The very first architect of the Tropican Tyramid

only managed to construct half of it before he
ran out of building materials

20

Tropico - Tourism

Hotels
La Grand Merde

The French-inspired Grand Hotel has countless stars. However, most have been
revoked from the tradition-steeped establishment over the last few decades. The
hotel has 122 rooms, 139 of which have been undergoing constant renovation since
its reopening in 1968. A former hippie conference under the motto Love Struck
and a subsequent mass celebration under the influence of poor quality drugs
resulted in a minor accident with a major impact: The hotel burned to the ground.
Room rates range between 80 and 250 Tropican dollars. Guests with long-term
stays (36 hours or more) receive fresh linens and a fermented egg for breakfast.

Picture: Onnola (CC BY-SA 2.0)

The Tropican Inn

The Tropican Inn has a lovely sort of ramshackle charm that no other establishment could possibly rival

21

Tropico - Tourism

While the Tropican Inn may not have stars, it does have a great deal of rough charm,
as characterized by missing wallpaper and the sometimes poor lighting. However,
the poor lighting also has its advantages. The gloom prevents you from taking too
much notice of the aesthetically disadvantaged receptionist behind the three-and-ahalf meter reception desk. A small peep-hole in the wall paneling nevertheless allows
you to quickly and efficiently book one of the many often unreserved rooms.
Prices range between 30 Tropican dollars and a night of love with the abovementioned unspecified receptionist. If you decide to select the second option, the
lady often sticks a few bills into the expansive male neckline once the act has been
completed. By the same token, you should not try to do the same with the lady, as
you could quite possibly get lost in her cleavage...
Beach Hotel

The Beach Hotel is located in the so-called Tropican Dolomites. Irregular bus rides
to the beach 422km away generally tend to be very seldom indeed. And if they
do, you should carry a spare tire or the equivalent patch kit with you. A bus drivers
license cannot hurt either should the driver once again fall asleep drunk at the wheel.
Otherwise, there is not much to say about this intimate little hotel. It has only one
room, which you have to share with the owner and his pet Llama. The prices can be
negotiated individually, and often the simple preparation of a hot meal for the host
is enough in itself.
Due to the often icy roads, the hotel usually only opens on February 29th, July 31st
and December 24th. On the latter date, however, the host often expects a selfharvested Christmas tree and the corresponding gifts.
Due to the long waiting list one should book far in advance. The current waiting
period is 156 years.

22

Tropico - Tourism

The Cozy Bridge

This is merely a dilapidated bridge under which you can comfortably set up your
own sleeping bag for the night.
Do not be distracted by the other guests. They extend strangers an extremely
friendly welcome into their midst. This should be taken quite literally indeed, since
you as the guest must often sleep in the middle so that the others can cuddle up to
you and avoid exposure to the night tides.
The next morning the regulars often expect a small donation (called a tax). Here
the amount can fluctuate on a daily basis. Sometimes the fee is but a few Tropican
dollars, but often the whole wallet is confiscated.
Picture: R. Walker (CC BY 2.0)

The famous Legendary Bridge of Tropico (seen here from above). Coincidently, this was also built by the same architect
on the Tropican Inn, but its impossible to notice

23

Tropico - Space
Picture: Sludge G (CC BY-SA 2.0)

The first space shuttle of Tropico is known for its influential minimalist style.

Tropicos space program began in the early years of the islands settlement. The first
documented launch can actually be traced back to 1876. As this was the test of a
previously untried launcher - operated with a kind of rubber - designed to fire items
into low Earth orbit, llamas were used instead of the at that time ubiquitous natives.
Some historians, however, assert that at that time natives and not the ubiquitous
Llamas were used. To this day it remains unclear as to whether the first living being
on the banana tree thirty five meters away was a man or a llama. It goes without
saying that the aforementioned distance was very far from fulfilling the constructors naturally very ambitious - goals. Furthermore, the rescue of the native (or llama) from
the palm proved much more difficult than the launch itself. The converted diving suit
used as a spacesuit contributed its share of difficulty to the rescue. It is assumed
that the life form either suffocated or drowned in the suit before it was able to once
again touch Tropicos hallowed soil. This went down in Tropican history as a black
leap year.

24

Tropico - Space

After this rather suboptimal initial attempt the space programme was mothballed
and first resurrected in 1959. The unbounded labor of all those involved and
great investment by the Tropican government produced a launching device which
was ahead of its time. The so-called Troponaut was encased in a 17 cornered
space capsule that was dropped from Tropicos highest mountain. The enormous
acceleration produced by multiple loops - a total of 78 - shot the capsule from the
end of the device straight into the sky, from which it fell after 17.34 minutes. It is not
necessary to mention that the Troponaut was killed in the re-entry. Maybe he only
died upon impact on Tropico - after all, the crater it caused was 122 meters deep. All
of this went down in Tropican history as a black common year.
After all these setbacks it wasnt until 1999 and 2000 - more precisely, between these
years - before a successful space program could be inaugurated. In cooperation with
neighboring countries and islands a mini-spaceship powered by 1,000,000 firework
rockets was shot into orbit on New Years Eve. The target was the moon. However,
due to an incorrect calculation, the mini-spaceship shot straight into the International
Space Station construction site. Inasmuch as the spaceship was manned by a
Tropollama - a space llama - it was unable to articulate intelligibly after the impact.
The Cosmonaut sitting on the locus extremely competently kicked the TropoLlama
back into space. After a number of orbits it began re-entry. Thanks to a very accurate
(and very lucky) calculation, the llama landed - albeit slightly charred - alive and well
on Tropico a short time later. All this went down in Tropican history as both a golden
common year and leap year - as mentioned earlier, it was New Years Eve 99/2000.
.

25

Tropico - Tropican Facts and Figures

Tropican Facts and Figures

10 out of 100 Tropicans are unable to calculate percentages. Thats over
17 percent.
Radio presenter Lulu Marie claims to seduce an average of five men, two
women and 0.5 llamas every day.
El Presidente officially has $ 0.00 in illegal numbered accounts in Switzerland.
The Cayman Islands offer a geographically much more favorable alternative.
Last year, 2% of the Tropican electorate died unnatural deaths
Picture: Jon Feinstein (CC BY 2.0)

Results of the last election in Tropico:

According to Tropicos Bureau of
Statistics, accident probability is 148
times higher amongst opposition voters.
Doctors,
assassins
and
Penultimo
categorically refute any direct link.
Everything is better with llamas.

Tourists spend an average of 50% more

money for inferior counterfeits when they are denied exit from the country.
Extensive studies and self-tests show that toxic residents of the undergrowth
enjoy no great popularity.
40% of the population of Tropico believe that the government falsifies statistics.
This value is often questioned.
Tropican researchers have found that a staggering 69% of people hate it when
a sentence does not end corr
A whopping 100% of the participants in a Tropican survey also took part in this
same survey
In Tropico a new day dawns every 86,400 seconds, placing Tropico solidly in
the global midfield.

26

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

As you, dear reader, have certainly already noticed, nothing could be further from
the intent of the authors of this missive than the creation of a serious guide. It should
therefore come as no surprise whatsoever that this chapter contains a completely
arbitrary list of prominent Tropicans from the fields of inventor and criminal.
While you could be excused for initially surmising a link between these areas, in fact,
we simply couldnt come up with anything better. Have fun or, as we say in Tropico:
Many llama!

Picture: Iaki Queralt (CC BY 2.0)

Bernadette Berheide

From the very outset, young

Bernadettes life was beset by bad
luck. After childbirth on a kayak in
the Amazon, the attending pygmy
shaman erroneously informed
Bernadettes mother of the
successful birth of her daughter,
whereupon she christened the
child Bernadette Berheide right
there in the middle of the Amazon.
In actual fact, however, the child
was male, and it was but the
arrested development of his
reproductive organs which led the
pygmy doctor and Bernadettes
mother to believe a daughter had
been born. Anyway, at the tender
age of 24 it was Bernadette
himself who discovered the error
and changed his first name to
Bernd. By this time, however,
he had already earned his place
in history as the inventor of the
epilator. Falsely believing himself
to be a woman, his prodigious
body hair caused him years of
intense suffering. After beginning
The mysterious and talented Tropican yoga teacher: B. Itch.
work on the worlds first epilator at
the tender age of 23, his first complete depilation one year later revealed the error
in his gender and he took his rightful place in the ranks Tropicos famous inventors.

27

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

Michele Doc Brownello

Timmy the Kid

Picture: jamieleto (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Today almost every child

knows the story of the boyish
gunslinger Billy the Kid, but
what few know is that Billy
the Kid had a distant 16th
degree cousin in Tropico:
Timmy the Kid! Known as
Timmy the Kid and Friendly
Tim he, unlike his criminal
cousin, was a true role model
in terms of politeness and
Threatening looking children and bad
moustaches: it must be the Wild West!

28

Picture: Okko Pyykk (CC BY 2.0)

Michele
Brownello,
known to friends and
colleagues as Doc,
went down in history as
both a brilliant physicist
and an ambitious hobby
cook. One night Doc
reached his breakthrough
when he combined his
two great passions
(physics + cooking) and
built a time machine out of
a refrigerator. Since then
he has travelled at free
will through the history of Has cold hands and secretly likes it that way: your urologist.
the world, always striving
not to change the course of things. In a rare interview, he admitted to a reporter from
the Tropico Times that he only actively intervened in history once: The Back to the
Future trilogy inspired by his life had led many children to form the mistaken belief that
their domestic refrigerator was also a time machine, which resulted in many cases
of hypothermia and footprints in cream cakes. In order to protect the children and
especially the cream cakes of the world, Doc traveled back in time and convinced
the makers of the films to change the plot and use a car instead of a refrigerator for
the time machine in the movies.

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

social interaction. He was the first and only bank and stagecoach robber to treat
those attacked with the utmost respect and decency. So it was that Timmy the Kid
ended almost every one of his sentences - including the famous Your money or your
life line - with a .... if its not too much trouble. Most of those robbed were eager
to accede to this polite request, usually because Timmy always carried a loaded
revolver with him to underscore his purpose. His life ended abruptly on April 17th
1885 when he attacked a stagecoach which had already been hijacked by Dennis
Mad Dog Lennon. More about this incident and Dennis Lennon in the next section.

Picture: Superfantastic (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Dennis Mad Dog Lennon

Theres always a bigger fish

in the sea. Dennis Mad Dog
Lennon, the second great
gunslinger from Tropicos
Wild West era, taught Timmy
the Kid the meaning of that
saying. Lennon made his first
appearance in the famous
Tropico County llama war, where
he played a key role. After the
war he moved through Tropico,
robbing banks, orphanages,
charitable organizations and
stagecoaches. On April 17th
1885 he was disturbed in the
pursuit of his days work by
Timmy the Kid, in the course
of which it came to a Tropican
standoff. This is a variant of
Snoop Dogg goes Country
the Mexican standoff, only that
it takes place in Tropico and only requires two feuding parties. Lennon emerged
victorious from this duel only to retire and spend his remaining years as the owner
and operator of a carriage wash tunnel. The idea came to him after an accident
in which he drove a freshly stolen carriage into a wagon full of horse manure and
was then annoyed that the new coach was so dirty. That makes Dennis Mad Dog
Lennon the only one to fall into both of this chapters categories as a great Tropican
inventor (the carriage wash tunnel) and a criminal.

29

Tropico - Famous Tropican Inventors and Criminals

Thomas Woodaro

There are inventions that are quite nice. Inventions such as the wheel or the Internet,
for example. And then there are inventions that are of such unimaginable magnitude
that they change the whole of posterity forever. Take pizza, for example. Or pizza
delivery. Thomas Woodaros invention falls into the second category. It was a sunny
day in May 1947 when Woodaro met up with some friends for a round of golf, where
he allegedly had a vision from God commanding him to found a new sport: Bolf.
Apparently God was wearing glasses with a rubber nose and a fake black mustache,
but that changes nothing about the unambiguous commandment.
After Woodaro and God spoke intensely about the rules of Bolf, he went to his car
(Woodaro, not God. God rides a motorbike), got his bowling ball and a shovel out
of his trunk, expanded the holes on the golf course and began to bolf - an insane,
fast-paced and nerve-racking mix of bowling and golf. As in golf, your goal is to cup
the ball in as few turns as possible from the start position. With the subtle difference
that you do not hit a golf ball, but rather roll a bowling ball instead. Without a run-up.
Today, Bolf enjoys great popularity in Tropico, although this demanding sport for the
whole family has avoided international success to this day.

30

Tropico - Literature
Picture: thefixer (CC BY 2.0)

With increased speed, wind can easily be used as a hair dryer

The picturesque shores of Tropico have produced many great poets and authors.
Although unnoticed by most of the world, their works in the field of literature can stand
up to those of Goethe, Shakespeare, and Britney Spears. Tropicans are very proud
of their writers and so, in the context of this guide, we wish to introduce at least the
most prominent of these.
Marion Juan de la Nees (Born 1985)

Nees began writing short stories for the blind at a young age. But as he failed to
write them in Braille his works found few buyers. After putting some consideration into
producing audiobooks for the deaf and non-verbal instead he decided to venture into
the genre of romance novels. With bestsellers such as Hold me in your strong arms,
my wild Sea Stallion, Love me like the ebb would never come and Will you be my
llama? the young author wrote his way into the hearts of readers around the globe.

31

Tropico - Literature
Alfonso van Beer Heide (Born about 1869 to 1962)

Oft the focus of international criticism for his works, Author Alfonso van Beer Heide
was born in Tropico somewhere between 1869 and 1962. After studying some few
years in Holland, the land of his ancestors, he returned to Tropico in 2011. His most
controversial works include titles such as If your age is on the clock..., Fifteen will
get you twenty and Dear Diary - Jackpot! which have won him both followers and
critics alike.
Stefano di Marcinechini (Born in 1977 - although some references claim 1987)

Born the same year as his fellow writer de la Nees, Di Marcinechini began his career
as a poet and thinker comparatively late. First, di Marcinechini dedicated himself to
growing maize before moving on to the White House as a security consultant, where
he wrote his first poem Me and Number Two at the White House while on the toilet.
This was followed by countless other poems which were eventually published in a
lavish two page anthology in 2012 for which he almost received a nomination for the
Nobel Prize for Literature.
Don Diego Blumenthal (born 1985)

As a young man, DD Blumenthal once sat at one of Tropicos picturesque sandy

beaches and philosophized about life, the state, the love and the people. That was
the moment his destiny became clear: Don Diego Blumenthal wanted to be the
worlds most famous author of bathroom jokes, travel guides and reference books.
In his most famous work Same shit, different bay he writes of the joys of defecating
on the worlds most beautiful coasts. In addition, it was DD Blumenthal who drew the
worlds attention to his colleague Di Marcinechinis first work (Ill drop the kids off at
the pool), praising it as the greatest revelation since the invention of toilet paper.

32

Tropico - The Jolly Roger

Every resident, visitor and illegal immigrant in Tropico is sooner or later confronted
with the name Jolly Roger. This, however, does not refer to an overweight and very
fun-loving American named Roger, but rather to the most famous beach bar to ever
boast an integrated, guaranteed anything-but-independent radio station.
Fiesta, women and fermented fruit cocktails at permanently low prices lure the
unsuspecting and regular alike into the best bar on the islands most beautiful beach.
El Presidente is also said to often have been there. More problematically, it has no
known address.

The Lulu Marie Show

She is considered the most beautiful woman in Tropico. However, no one has ever
seen her in order to verify this. According to her, however, she has already slept with
so many Tropican men that she is now starting all over again. We are talking about
Lulu Marie, the faceless island bicycle with a penchant for astronauts, surfers,
football players and anything else with hair on its chest. The 27 year-old spreads
these and other inappropriate and politically sensitive stories 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week from her studio.
Meaning and purpose :

Conspiracy theorists rumor that Lulu is a computer-controlled AI programmed by El

Presidente himself. Furthermore, it is suspected that her babble hides coded control
signals for Tropicos nuclear missiles. Should the show one day end, automated
nuclear strikes against other countries will be carried out. These wild rumors are
based on various statements by Lulu Marie, such as The Jolly Roger will always
be there for you, even till the end of time! And the fact that the location of the
Jolly Roger has remained undiscovered. Skeptics counter that her unending show
regularly advertises discounted drinks, wild parties and hot nights with the hostess.
The aluminium hat crowd are certain that this is a carefully calculated deceptive
measure.
Whatever the truth may be, we love to listen to that sexy voice while we hoof it
through the jungle with our llamas.

33

Picture: Indi Samarajiva (CC BY 2.0)

Tropico - Industry

The Tropicans siesta is very sacred. Breaks regularly go on for far longer than is needed

Tropicos subsistence economy (over 117% of all goods produced are exported,
and the countrys supply shortage mean that it can live quite well off international
subsidies) makes it a serious industrial nation. Which is to say that it is seriously
getting on the other industrialized nations nerves.
Tropicos advanced industrialization has a long history and can be traced back to the
time of the dinosaurs. Even Tropican velociraptors knew that you always have to stay
one step ahead of progress. Modern conspiracy theories are based on the rumor
that aliens landed in todays Tropico back in the time of the Incas, where they passed
futuristic technologies on to the first forefathers, the so-called Olbug Gers.
Unable to use it, they buried the stuff in a huge hole in the jungle. The suspiciously
high speed at which industrialization has been progressing since the wild seventies
has led both hippies and Illuminati followers alike to suspect that El Presidente found
the alien garbage dump. A quite reasonable assumption when one considers that
the Internet was discovered in the basement of the governmental palace.

34

Tropico - Geography

Nuclear Industry
Today, the nuclear industry in particular is enjoying a rapid increase in productivity
and popularity. The cleanest of all energy forms (windmills - no thanks) not only
powers numerous homes and public buildings throughout the island, but is also
a major supplier for food, electrical and toy production. While discarded fuel rods
are generating a hitherto unimaginable growth on agricultural products, Tropican
developments such as the nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner Nu- clean and the
radio-controlled atomic submarine Cherno Boat also represent true international
bestsellers.
Tropican industry is built on the foundation of equal employment rights. For that
reason, for every woman hired by one of the countrys businesses at least one
other must be dismissed. And the technology firm Crapple features a purely male
board with equal voting rights for all. Crapple founder Esteban Empleos once said:
Anyone who fries someone else a bratwurst has a bratwurst roaster. Since that
day several billion Crapple brand bratwurst roasters are exported around the world
annually. And they can also be used to telephone, too.

Geography

The highest mountain, the deepest valley and the longest river in the world - only three
of the things you will not find currently in Tropico. But you will find hundreds of square
kilometers of pristine rainforest, processed into houses, bridges and Scandinavian
furniture. The inland is festooned with numerous mountain ranges whose peaks
sometimes now even lie just above sea level. The forested mountain ranges of the
east in some places extend all the way to the West.
Mountains - Genesis, composition and growth

The Folded Karst Mountains - also known as Tropican Switzerland - can be dated
back as far as the Tertiary Pleistocene. These insights were gained using radiocarbon
dating of fossil caudates uncovered only in the last five years through massive rainfall
and the associated erosion. The Tropican Switzerland was probably created by the

35

Picture: dynamosquito (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Tropico - Geography

The passionate personality of the Tropican people can also be seen throughout the local landscape

impact of a huge meteorite in what is now the Gulf of Mexico. A huge piece of debris
was thrown all the way to Tropico in the process, where it landed in the middle of the
island. As such, this mountain is in fact the worlds largest monolith - Ayers Rock in
Australia is a joke compared to it.
Geologists, foreign policy experts and lawyers are all agreed that valuable mineral
resources such as gold and uranium are present only in small quantities - at least,
thats what they tell the international community to prevent a war of aggression
powered by colonial imperialism on the part of Western superpowers. Officially, the
mountain range consists for the most part of fossilized farm animal excrement with
a small percentage of limestone.
The enormous volcanic activity beneath the island allows Tropican Switzerland to
grow by a few meters every day. Scientists predict reaching the stratosphere in the
year 2025. From then on world record skydives will no longer be dependent upon

36

Tropico - Geography
grossly overpriced helium balloons and sponsorship contracts with manufacturers of
energy drinks.
Waters

Tropico holds two aquatic world records. One for the fastest drying up of a river
of all time; this took but a few seconds and to this day discussion persists as to
whether it was actually a natural source or El Presidentes micturations while on a
mountain hike.
The second record relates to the largest inland sea in the world with 393 million
square kilometers. Mistakenly referred to by the rest of the world as the worlds
oceans, Lake Tropicosee is actually a huge freshwater lake which has burst its
banks and become salty over time through the dissolution of sodium chloride from
the bedrock.

Invention of the kickboard

What very few people likely know, especially in the Western industrialized nations so
plagued by excessive press censorship and media manipulation, is the fact that a
Tropican was responsible for inventing the underrated niche sport kickboard. After
the skateboard craze spread from the California suburb Menace Beach to Tropico
back in the seventies, a youth protest movement against unethical mass llama
farming spawned the legendary Llama Brigade. The name was coined in memory
of the groups original, yet quickly abandoned, purpose.
During the first and only annual Tropican Skateboard Championships Antonio Tony
Hernandez was injured when the left rear wheel came off his skateboard after
performing a Double-Flipside to Fakie Nosebone Grind. In his rage he grabbed
a nearby broom and pounded so violently on his skateboard that the handle of the
broom stuck in the board. Tony quickly realized that the additional control the hiphigh stick offered him would allow him to continue along on three wheels. And so the
kickboard was born, joining a long list of glorious contributions to world culture by
our country.

37

Tropico - Sports
Sports is - together with the practice of conjugal relations with their wives - one
of the great passions of Tropicans everywhere. Most do not or rarely participate
themselves. But when hit by the sporting urge, Tropican men display great stamina.
According to current scientific studies, male Tropicans do two to three minutes
of extramural sports. Female Tropicans do two to three hours, depending on their
sports partner.

Picture : belgraded.com (CC BY 2.0)

The most widespread sport on Tropico is the so-called Clubbing. The rules of
Clubbing are many-faceted and so very complex that defy explanation here. In
short, two male Tropicans rhythmically belabor one anothers crania with clubs until
one can no longer stand. A perennial favorite amongst tourists, this sport allegedly
inspired a number of songs such as Hit me with your rhythm stick and Hit me baby
one more time. But as stated earlier, the official rules are much more complex.

Here is a selection of authorised clubbing equipment. According to the official Clubbing guidelines a stick must be
at least 1m long, 20kg heavy and have an impact force of at least 10,000 megatons.

38

Tropico - Sports
The Clubbing World Cup of 1972 is worthy of special mention. The reason it is
so important is that there was no World Cup that year. The rioting was so severe
during the preliminary rounds that the Tropican police had to intervene with their
new metal clubs. Unfortunately some - or, more precisely, all - of the World Cup
participants were clubbed in the process, so the event had to be canceled. To this
day, however, the Tropican Police consider themselves the only true 1972 world
champions. The clubbed - and, unfortunately, crippled - participants are of course of
a different opinion. Sadly enough, their broken jaws still prevent them from articulating
themselves intelligibly.

Picture : tmv_media (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Female mud wrestling was extremely popular with the men for a time until the
women eventually dropped the mud in favor of a kind of Feminine Clubbing. Since
then men have avoided this sport while simultaneously enjoying the wife-free time,
as they are KOd by the third round at latest and must then remain in the city hospital
for at least a week or two. For a small donation the doctor can even ensure that
the lawfully wedded wife can be entertained in the husbands absence. Remember:
One hundred Tropican Dollars = one satisfied wife

Womens mud wrestling, much to the chagrin of Penultimo, is not enforced by Tropican law. He really struggles
to get a girlfriend.

39

Tropico - Tropicos History

In addition to Clubbing, a kind of Tropican chess game - called Jhess - is a perennial

favorite in the island state. As opposed to normal chess, however, each player has
but a single knight. As you can see, this means that the game can never end.
Inventors Adolfo de Check and Julio de Mate noticed this during their first game,
which lasted over 78 years. It was only after Adolfo de Check died a natural death
that Julio de Mate won the first and only game of Tropican chess. He enjoyed his
victory for all of three minutes before he too kicked the bucket. Unfortunately, Jhess
has yet to make a global breakthrough.

Tropicos History

Tropicos history is a story full of inconsistencies and misunderstandings, which

may be due to the fact the historical records were written in a crude gibberish mixture
of English, Indonesian, Molwanian and Nyawk. This can lead to a wide variety of
interpretations. For example, the Tropican word spouts can mean either verbal
waterfall or housewife and, under certain circumstances, even Armpit-haired thrice
divorced wife with the evil squint. Inasmuch as each of these different meanings
can be found in the ancient tomes detailing Tropicos history, a historically correct
interpretation is extremely difficult.
The first mention of our glorious island occurred several thousand years before the

Picture : Mark Rain (CC BY 2.0)

Picture: Anja Disseldorp (CC BY 2.0)

In Tropican, a word can have two meanings. The word Kryt for example, can mean both Toad and also Wife
(to avoid confusion, the Toad can be seen on the right).

40

Tropico - Language

year 1000. Yes, this is most assuredly correct. At that time all timepieces always
calculated in steps of one thousand. From todays perspective it would be untimely
to say that timepieces should always have measured time in that measure.
There are two different theories on the islands origin.
In the first theory, recognized scientists assume that the island rose from the sea as
a result of an underground volcanic eruption, cooled over a very long period of time
and was then gradually occupied by animals, plants and eventually humans.
The second theory states that El Presidente wished for an island when he saw a
shooting star on a cloudless and starry night during an Atlantic crossing. This then
promptly - thanks to Express Delivery - fell from the sky.
The world-renowned scientists mentioned above assume that the second theory is
the most probable of the two.
Over the centuries and millennia Tropicans have survived the worst disasters:
volcanic eruptions, economic depressions and those of El Presidente and several
hundred of the island rulers ex-wives.
Note: El Presidente never dies. Even though he should by rights have been dead for
several thousand years, he arises each morning out of a sheer love of life and being
a dictator. His people thank him with enthusiastic enthusiasm.
Tropico has played a role in international politics from the very beginning, namely
none. Too bad.

Language
As mentioned in the chapter on Tropicos History, Tropican is not an easy language.
The flexible abbreviated syntax results in meanings whose divergences are sometimes
difficult to comprehend. Some words may have several different meanings in translation
where the Tropican original does not. Emplerf, for example, is translated as both
employee and serf. In the Tropican original there is no difference between the two.

41

Tropico - Language
Here is an overview of the most important words and phrases to help you linguistically
survive your first few days of vacation on Tropico:
Tropican

English

Holla

Hello

Plis

Please

Tanx

Thank you

Werdacan?

Where is the toilet, please?

Much foda (panna cotta)?

How much does the (Panna Cotta) cost?

Got oclock?

What time is it?

Old enuff?

How old are you?

How soon saloon?

Where is the nearest bar, please?

Inna food mood where?

Where is the nearest restaurant, please?

How low yo ho go?

How much is your wedded wife?

Probation me?

Do I get a suspended sentence?

Garters too?

Do I get garters?

Screwdat, bullet me cause I already hung. Sorry, but I would prefer to be shot and

not hanged.

42

43

Since its discovery in the year 164,136 BC, the small island of Tropico has
enjoyed countless visitors each year. Democracy, freedom, cheap prices,
good food, social equality and human rights are all things that Tropico is
not known for. So break out of the dreary everyday life of Western civilization
and enjoy an adventurous journey to the small, island dystopia state of
Tropico, where llamas are treated like kings and tourists act as a bottomless
ATM ready to be harvested.
Never-ending fun and entertainment awaits you! This helpful guide to
Tropico takes the uninitiated by the hand and gives them helpful hints,
informs you of its peculiarities, its history and its many crazy traditions. For
as Schller already wrote:
Wanderer, you have made your way to Tropico ..... better have
this Guide here!

Cheaper than Toilet paper!

(Book of Tropico e.V.)