Are you a Mommy Leader?

Whether you are a mom who leads the local PTA or a multimillion dollar organization, you likely practice skills in
motherhood that are also valuable in the workplace.
Motherhood and leadership are inextricably linked, and
motherhood is one of the most important leadership roles
you play. So many of the skills and behaviors mothers
practice while raising their children can be used by women
in professional leadership roles to yield maximum results.
Mommy Leadership is for any mother who strives to
become the best leader she can be in every area of her life.
This book is filled with empowering and practical
messages that not only inform but inspire the would-be
Mommy Leader.

The Mommy Leadership Method guides you through the

process of:

Understanding the alignment between

motherhood and leadership

Identifying leadership skills, behaviors, and

best practices you have perfected in
motherhood

Adapting those same abilities to professional

environments for improved leadership
performance

Celebrating your role as a mother and how it

enriches you as a leader

Prepare to be inspired, challenged, and motivated to

become a better leader by using the skills you already
possess!

Stephanie Williams is certified trainer and business

professional with an MBA in Marketing and 20 years of
experience in corporate America where she has gained
extensive
experience
in
leading
teams,
project
management, and organizational processes. She is a
devoted wife and mother of two.

Copyright 2010 Stephanie Williams

ISBN-13: 978-0-9826054-0-0
Library of Congress Control Number: 2010922064
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EmpowWORD Publishing 2010
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Mommy Leadership
How to Use Your Motherhood
Experience to Grow as a Leader

Stephanie Williams

Special Thanks
This book was a labor of love, yet it was one of the most
challenging projects I have ever undertaken. There are
some key people who made the journey possible.
* First, to my God and Saviour, who gave me the idea for
Mommy Leadership and the grace to pursuit it.
* To my husband, for inspiring me to dream, encouraging
me to pursue it, and supporting the process. I love you,
man!
* To my children, for allowing me to take precious time away
from them and for providing a true motherhood experience.
* To my parents and mother-in-law, for supporting and
believing in me.
* To my sisters, Clarissa and Sherri for being my best
friends and to my brother, Henry Jr. for his quiet support.
* To my special sister-friends, Wanda, Tracy, and Sonia for
taking an active role in helping me complete this book and
reminding me that I could do it.
* To my spiritual brother and mentor, Marvin, for all the
advice and encouragement.
* To my other family members and friends, for praying and
thinking of me.

For Mommy Leaders everywhere

Through this book, be inspired and through your life,
continue to inspire.

Contents
PART I: An Introduction to Mommy Leadership ............... 1
INTRODUCTION ..................................................................... 3
CHAPTER ONE: What is Mommy Leadership?....................... 9
CHAPTER TWO: Guiding Principles ..................................... 33
PART II: The Mommy Leadership Method ...................... 43
CHAPTER THREE: Leadership and You ............................... 45
CHAPTER FOUR: Skill Identification (Recognize It)........... 55
CHAPTER FIVE: Skill Adaptation (Transfer It) ................... 73
CHAPTER SIX: Skill Execution (Do It) ................................ 83
CHAPTER SEVEN: Skill Repetition (Make It Stick) ............ 89
PART III: A Message of Motivation .................................. 99
CHAPTER EIGHT: A Mommy Leadership Lesson.............. 101
CHAPTER NINE: The Mommy Leadership Continuum ...... 109
FINAL WORDS: Reasons or Excuses: It Doesn't
Really Matter .............................................................. 121
THE MOMMY LEADERSHIP METHOD ...................... 129
WORKS CITED ............................................................... 131

ix

PART I
An Introduction to Mommy Leadership

INTRODUCTION

f you are a mother, there is a leader in you. You

may or may not have developed or exercised the
leader in you, but rest assured that she is in
there. You have influence on the thoughts and actions of
others. It is the purpose of this book to help you identify
your current leadership skills and develop them to their
fullest potential. Whether your leadership contribution is in
a Fortune 500 company or in your local PTA, it is a
contribution that you should fully equip yourself to make.
You owe it to those you lead and you owe it to yourself. You
can make a difference in your environment, whether it is at
home, work, or your community. Your potential is limited
only by the limits you set for yourself.

Mommy Leadership

One day, it occurred to me as I drove home from work

to my husband and children that I felt trapped in
motherhood. Of course, I am ashamed to admit it because I
know children are a gift from God and motherhood is a
blessing. So why did I feel trapped? Based on the recent
events of my life, I became keenly aware of the constant
weight of responsibility for my children's well-being and
development. The time I spent doing the very best for my
children left me little time, if any at all, for my own personal
and professional development. I didn't want to take on more
challenging assignments at work for fear they would steal
time that should be devoted to my children. I realized more
challenging assignments are generally the cost of admission
for leadership positions in the workplace. It was the same
situation at my church. I wanted to be more involved and
take on more responsibility at my church, but who would
take care of my children while my husband was busy? I felt
stagnant. I felt trapped. Then another thought occurred to
me. Why does my development as a leader have to be
separate from being a mother to my children? The answer is
that it doesnt. Why can't I use the same skills at work that I
use in motherhood? The answer is I can (with a little
modification that is.)
The truth is that motherhood offers a wealth of
opportunity to develop leadership skills. Every day as a
mother I learn something else about myself, about
relationships with others, and about achieving my
objectives. Each lesson is so valuable that when I reflect on
it, I find new ways to add to my growth as a person using
that lesson.

Introduction

Every now and again, we hear a research study on

what stay-at-home moms would earn if they were paid for
the job that they do. Stay-at-home moms work hard.
Sometimes there is a misunderstanding of that truth.
Because of this truth, working moms continue to search for
the elusive balance between work and family. Whether stayat-home mom or working mom, motherhood is arguably one
of the most difficult jobs around. While many moms make it
look easy, motherhood requires women to develop and
motivate people, resolve conflicts, manage limited resources,
handle crisis situations, use creativity to solve problems,
and the list goes on. If these skills were listed on a rsum,
it would look quite impressive. Many of the situations
mothers are called upon to handle can easily be likened to
leadership situations. Sadly, mothers seldom get the credit
for how much they do with so little. Some moms have
successfully developed amazingly efficient and effective
"systems" of managing work while raising children. What is
even more disappointing is that mothers themselves often
don't realize the skills they have developed and regularly
practice in their daily lives.
The purpose of this book is two-fold: 1) motivation
and 2) instruction. Motivation is the number one purpose
because mothers, like leaders, cannot effectively motivate
others (children or employees) if they themselves are not
motivated. It is important for mothers to understand the
value of what they do and the lives they affect. Mothers
shape the adults of tomorrow. Those adults will make up our
society. It is my objective to make sure that every mother I
reach recognizes the "big job" that she does. Motherhood is

Mommy Leadership

not for the faint of heart. Any mother can tell you of the
many times she was stretched by being a mother. From the
time her child is born until adulthood, the responsibilities
are numerous in caring for that child. It takes a lot of
courage to be a motherespecially these days. The world is
not always a safe or welcoming place, and to nurture and
train a child to deal with the culture of today is difficult. It
seems that there are so many precautions we need to teach
our children to help keep them safe. Furthermore, the
fortitude a mother must have to guide her child through the
struggles of life should not be underestimated. It normally
is not smooth sailing from ages 0 to 18. More often than not,
stormy seas are encountered at some point in raising a child.
Yet these experiences give a mother great insight on
relating to other people, problem solving, crisis
management, and other beneficial skills. The motherhood
experience adds to a woman, not take away.
I have a friend who was interviewing with another
company while on maternity leave from her current
employer. She was so concerned that the potential employer
would be turned off by the fact that she had a baby. Many
women feel the same way because society doesn't yet
understand that motherhood can bring out the best
leadership qualities in a woman and enhance them by their
practical implementation into daily life. I admit that before
motherhood I had more time and schedule flexibility, but I
have never been so resourceful and creative since I became a
mother. Believe it or not, our motherhood experience can be
an asset at work and not a liability.

Introduction

My second purpose for this book is to teach women a

simple method of capitalizing on their motherhood
experiences for leadership. Through a series of four discrete
stages, Mommy Leadership takes mothers from recognizing
their specific leadership skills and talents to actually
implementing them in the workplace. The process builds
from there, and the result is that women will become better
leaders at work, church, or whatever organization a woman
chooses to serve. It is high time that mothers stop
compartmentalizing their skills and talents and capitalize
on all that they are and have to offer. Of course, no mother
does everything right, but all of us can point to something
we do well. That something is our focus.
As you read this book, take the time to reflect on each
section and make it personal. Great leadership requires
reflection. Many leaders are so busy leading that they don't
think about the plusses, minuses, whys and how of what
they do. They just do it. Reflecting on the skills you are
learning from motherhood will give you great insight into
the many ways you have developed as a leader, along with
the potential leadership development you may want to
pursue. Leading is just as much about what's going on inside
the leader as it is about what's going on with your followers.
When it comes to your role as a leader, my message is
clear. Find it, embrace it, and begin to build upon it. This
book was written to help you begin (or continue) the selfdiscovery process of your leadership destiny.
Throughout the book, I will encourage you to also
reflect on various aspects of motherhood and leadership. I
recognize that mommies are busy people who seldom have

Mommy Leadership

long segments of uninterrupted time to spend to thinking,

let alone writing something down. However, I feel it is
important to do so in order to get the maximum benefit from
this book. I cannot count the number of books I have started
and not finished for lack of time. For that reason, the
chapters have been intentionally kept short so that my
readers can read and digest the information in small chunks
of time. I like to call those chunks of time Mommy
Leadership Moments. Enjoy each one of your moments.

CHAPTER ONE
What is Mommy Leadership?

t is no revelation that women are taking on

increasingly significant leadership roles in record
numbers. If you look in any arena - corporate,
political, academic, entrepreneurial, military, or not for
profit you will see examples of high ranking women
responsible for leading scores of people within their
organizations. These women are called upon to make
decisions,
motivate
people,
and
ensure
overall
organizational performance. More and more organizations
are recognizing the importance of having diverse candidates
in leadership positions. Not because it looks good (although
that helps), but because it is clear that a woman's unique
perspectives, qualities, and talents can add greatly to an
organization's success. Let's face it. There are more women

Mommy Leadership

in the workplace, which means more women with money to

spend. Women with money become consumers making
buying decisions. Businesses that provide goods and services
purchased by female consumers find it in the company's best
interest to draw upon women who know what other women
want.
Female leaders are not only needed in the business
sector, but wherever leaders are needed. It is really a matter
of common sense. With all of the critical problems of today's
society, we need all the talented leaders we can get. Women
make up about half of the population and, therefore, double
the talent pool. The Leadership Gap, the amount of
leadership capability that exists versus the amount
required, has been highlighted in the non-profit, education,
and business sectors just to name a few. Being a leader is a
high calling in any of these areas just as being a mother is a
high calling. Leadership is needed not only to help guide and
direct others but also to identify and develop more leaders.
The leadership industry comprises a whole host of
conferences, training seminars, and research institutes on
the topic of women and leadership. At the same time, there
is much controversy about female leaders. Do women have a
gender advantage? Are women better leaders than men? Do
women lead differently than men? Theorists and researchers
should be the ones to wrestle with these questions. Female
leaders need not waste time on the debate surrounding
these questions but should focus on becoming more effective
leaders.
The value that women add in the area of leadership
is being recognized faster in some areas and slower in

10

What is Mommy Leadership?

others. While this recognition is important, it is more

important that women themselves recognize it. It is more
important because we, more than anyone else, hold
ourselves back. Society is going to change at its own pace.
Each woman must make the decision to await change or
work to fulfill her purpose and become the most effective
leader possible regardless of the "box" she is put in. Yes,
that's right. You will be put in a box that others have used to
define and determine the value of your skills and
experience, and make a judgment on your "leadership
potential."
After years of staying in the box my employer had
assigned me, I had an epiphany. I should be the one to
determine the caliber of leader I am and will become. I
determine how much time and effort I am willing to commit
to my own development. And I determine what my skills
and experiences mean to my leadership ability. Mothers
absolutely should not define their leadership contributions
in terms of their position in the workplace. Instead, each of
us has a responsibility to find that place, job, role or career
that allows us to fulfill our leadership goals.
Many companies unfortunately appear to overlook
the skills and talents of women once they have children. It's
almost as if they believe women with children have less to
offer the company. Women are told (or shown) that they
have to make a choice between being a good mom and rising
within the corporate ranks. Although relocation, frequent
travel, and long work hours can be deterrents to mothers
accepting high-level leadership positions, working moms
still have a significant leadership contribution to make to an

11

Mommy Leadership

organization. Their lives have been changed forever, and

they practice managing another layer of complexity
everyday. Whatever the prevailing opinions are about
women in leadership, no one can take away the leadership
skills and experiences that a woman gains from motherhood.
The Study of Leadership
The focus of Mommy Leadership is to empower and
improve mothers as leaders in the workplace. However,
before we can improve as leaders, we must first take a step
back and look at what makes a leader. If you conducted a
literary review of all that has been written about leadership,
you would find that leadership has been defined in terms of
traits and attributes, skills and behaviors, principles, and
theories. Scholars and practitioners alike have tried to
determine the common traits and attributes of a great
leader. Other leadership experts sought to identify the skills
and behaviors required to be a great leader. Still others laid
out the must-know guiding principles great leaders follow.
For all the studies that have been done on leadership, it is
still difficult to grasp the full understanding of what a
leader is to be. The simple complexity of leadership makes it
easy to recognize, yet difficult to define.
Leadership scholars have developed numerous
theories and models that describe varied approaches to
leadership. These approaches explain how leaders can be
more effective in the practice of leadership. Below are a few
of the more well-known theories and models taught in
management programs around the world. Each of these

12

What is Mommy Leadership?

classic theories and models provide a glimpse into what is

considered accepted approaches to and conventional wisdom
about leadership.
Transactional Leadership, developed by leadership
expert, James MacGregor Burns, refers to leadership
resulting from a transaction or exchange relationship
between parties to satisfy their needs. Simply stated, the
leader gets something from the follower and the follower
gets something from the leader. The exchange can take on
many forms such as financial, psychological, or political.
One of the most common "transactions" is exchanging work
for money. Others include votes for political favors and
loyalty for special treatment.
According to Burns, transactional leadership
"requires a shrewd eye for opportunity, a good hand at
bargaining, persuading, reciprocating" (Leadership Burns,
1982: 169). Transactional leaders approach followers with
an insight for what motivates them to perform. Bosses use it
when they give raises or promotions for good performance.
This leadership approach is used every day in the
workplace. Mothers use it with their children when they
reward them for good behavior or good grades. They lead
their children to do certain things based on a promise to
fulfill one of their children's desires. This is one of the tools
in a mother's bag of tricks. It should also be a tool used by
her as a leader. The good Mommy Leader uses transactional
leadership as one of her tools of leadership in each of her
leadership roles.
Transformational Leadership, also developed by
James MacGregor Burns, takes leadership to a higher level

13

Mommy Leadership

than transactional leadership to inspire real organizational

change. This type of leadership occurs when a leader
engages her followers in such a way that they raise each
other to higher levels of purpose, motivation, and morality.
The leader inspires followers to look past their own selfinterests for the higher organizational objective. These
leaders transform followers through behaviors that inspire,
influence, motivate, empower, and stimulate creativity.
Followers share the vision created and articulated by the
transformational leader.
The transformational leader "... recognizes and
exploits an existing need or demand of a potential
follower...(and) looks for potential motives in followers, seeks
to satisfy higher needs, and engages the full person of the
follower" (Leadership Burns, 1982: 4). As children mature,
mothers begin to use transformational leadership (rather
than transactional) to inspire their children to greater levels
of achievement academically, emotionally, spiritually,
socially, etc. For example, a mother no longer uses the
promise of a reward or punishment to encourage her child to
improve his grades. Through transformational leadership,
striving for excellence and learning to become a contributing
member of society are enough to motivate that child in
school. His attitude toward school was "transformed" in
large part because of the inspirational influence of his
mother. His mother can use those same transformational
leadership skills to change those who look to her for
leadership within her organization.
Another popular leadership model is Servant
Leadership, introduced by Robert Greenleaf. The Servant

14

What is Mommy Leadership?

Leader approaches leadership as a servant to her followers.

Her goal as a leader is to meet the needs of her followers
thereby raising the capacity of her followers. Greenleaf
describes the servant leader as a servant first and foremost.
Wanting to serve, according to Greenleaf, is natural and
moves that person to leadership, which differs sharply from
wanting to be the leader and not the servant. Power or
material acquisition may be at the base of the leader who
has little or no desire to serve. Most leaders are not
completely one type or the other, so there are different ratios
of these two characteristics in all leaders. Greenleaf goes on
to say the following:
"The difference manifests itself in the care
taken by the servant- first to make sure that
other peoples highest priority needs are being
served. The best test, and the most difficult to
administer, is: Do those served grow as
persons? Do they, while being served, become
healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous?
And, what is the effect on the least privileged
in society; will they benefit or, at least, not be
further deprived?"
---- Greenleaf, 1996
Does this sound like anything you've ever done as a
mother? Servant leadership is particularly aligned with
motherhood. The very nature of motherhood is to nurture
and develop our children into positive contributing
individuals. We often set aside our goals and aspirations
temporarily (or permanently) for the sake of our children.

15

Mommy Leadership

Our main pursuit is to make sure our children are healthier,

wiser, freer, and more autonomous. Women strive to offer
the best of themselves to help their children achieve. Why
not use some of your serving skills for the organization you
lead? In serving others, you serve the whole of the
organization. Service improves the state of the corporation
in which you work.
Blanchard, Zigarmi and Zigarmi wrote Leadership
and the One Minute Manager based on the theory of
Situational Leadership. According to this theory, the leader
adjusts his leadership style or behaviors (from telling to
delegating) based on the follower's readiness (low to high) to
be led. According to this theory, the effective leader assesses
her followers' readiness or maturity in terms of ability and
willingness. The readiness (or maturity) level of the follower
determines the leader's style of leadership. Leadership
styles range from "directing" less mature followers to simply
"observing" more mature ones. The four styles of leadership
called out by this model place varying degrees of focus on
the task to be accomplished or the relationship with the
follower depending on the follower's level of readiness. When
dealing with followers who display low readiness, explaining
how to accomplish the task becomes the focus. On the other
hand, a leader of high readiness followers can focus more on
what is referred to as relationship tasks such as coaching
and providing support.
A clear example of a mother's application of
situational leadership is how she handles these two typical
situations. In the first scenario, a mother finds it necessary
to talk to her pre-teen about her reckless behavior with

16

What is Mommy Leadership?

drugs and sexual promiscuity. Her daughter is less than

cooperative and is resistant to her mother's direction.
Therefore, she has to take on a more authoritative, telling
role with her young daughter. In the second scenario, that
same mother needs to talk to her young adult child about
buying a home or getting married. Her young adult child is
mature enough to respect his mother's wisdom and
experience so he is very willing to listen to her direction. The
appropriate leadership style here is a less directive, more
coaching-type role. Same mother uses different leadership
styles based on the situation.
Why are these theories relevant? Each of these
theories relate to the philosophy of Mommy Leadership on
some level. It is amazing how the central tenets of each of
these theories are analogous to various aspects of
motherhood. At some point, mothers operate under all of the
leadership theories and models.
The point is that mothers practice each of these types
of leadership at some point in their motherhood experience.
I suspect that you have used each of these approaches at
various points in your experience as a mom. Mothers, like
leaders, have to determine which approach is most
appropriate and effective for the current situation. You
probably didnt realize that you were practicing certain
types of leadership. Now that you realize it, think about
what you did and how you could use it in your leadership
roles outside the home. Practice those methods and make
note of the outcome. You may be surprised by the many
parallels of these methods used with your children and with
others who follow you.

17

Mommy Leadership

Mommy Leadership: A Definition

So what then is Mommy Leadership? Mommy
Leadership is the idea, belief, and philosophy that women
develop leadership skills through their experiences as
mothers and can adapt those skills to the workplace to
become better leaders. Women have so much to offer as a
result of their experiences as a mother. Research testifies to
the fact that skills gained in motherhood accommodate the
leadership needs of the workplace.
The central premise of Mommy Leadership rests on
the concept of transferable skills. Transferable skills are
skills and experiences developed in one job or position that
can be used in another. The concept of transferable skills is
considered a vital tool in selling one's qualifications. Job
seekers, particularly those new to the job market or
changing careers, are encouraged to highlight their
transferable skills from other jobs or life experiences. The
beauty of transferable skills is that you can get them from
anywhere a previous job, a volunteer organization, a
school project, and yes, even personal life experiences. Some
examples of transferable skills include organizational skills,
management skills, communication skills, and interpersonal
skills. Mommy Leadership focuses on transferable skills
that can be used in leadership. The leadership focus is based
on the similarities between leadership and motherhood. The
various roles that a mother plays require her to use many
skills that are associated with being a good leader.
More and more, mothers are beginning to realize the
value this role can bring to a woman professionally. One

18

What is Mommy Leadership?

example is the Mompreneur movement. Mompreneurs are

stay-at-home moms who have run businesses from their
homes to supplement the family income without sacrificing
time away from their children. Ellen Parlapiano and
Patricia Cobe's book Mompreneurs: A Mother's Practical
Step-by-Step Guide to Work-at-Home Success describes the
lives of these incredible women who translated their
mommy savvy into business savvy.
Many women are in leadership roles at work and in
the community, while performing leadership-type functions
in their personal lives. They have the leadership sphere of
work and the leadership sphere of home. Exhibit 1.1 below
illustrates how women often keep the two leadership
spheres of their lives separate. This action has been referred
to as compartmentalization. A person puts everything about
one area of her life in one compartment and everything
about the other area of her life in another compartment. For
example, a mother of four children may practice building
teamwork and camaraderie among her children by teaching
them how to work together to achieve their individual and
collective goals. On the other hand, if she practices building
teamwork among her children and does not use that same
skill with her employees at work, she is not fully utilizing
her talents. When she doesn't use this valuable skill in her
personal life where appropriate, it can be said that she is
compartmentalizing. Exhibit 1.1 graphically illustrates
compartmentalization from the perspective of leadership
skills and abilities. A woman's home is a Leadership Sphere
in which she leads her children alone or together with a
spouse. A woman's job is another Leadership Sphere where

19

Mommy Leadership

her skills and attributes influence others to follow. Her

church or other volunteer organization could be yet another
Leadership Sphere. In Exhibit 1.1, the leadership skills and
experiences that she draws upon in each sphere are only
used in that sphere.
Mommy Leadership suggests that women should
handle their lives more like Exhibit 1.2. The Mother
transfers the skills she developed in her motherhood
experience to her work leadership sphere. As a result, she
has more skills and abilities from which to draw as she
performs her leadership responsibilities in her manager
role. We should draw upon the skills we practice regularly
as mothers and adapt them for use in the workplace. For
example, you may use your project management skills to
organize resources, stay on budget, motivate volunteers and
meet deadlines for your son's football booster club. Use those
same skills to manage large projects at your job.
Management and leadership guru, Warren Bennis, stated in
his book On Becoming a Leader that "the process of
becoming a leader is much the same as the process of
becoming an integrated human being. For the leader, as for
the integrated person, life itself is a career." It only makes
sense to integrate all the leadership skills, abilities, and
attributes you have at your disposal no matter where you
developed them.
Why make the analogy between leadership and
motherhood? Becoming a mother is one of the most lifechanging events a woman can experience. A mother is
probably considered the person most responsible for her
child's care and development. The care and development of

20

What is Mommy Leadership?

another human life is the ultimate in responsibility. So how

can something change a woman's life so profoundly in terms
of responsibility and not affect her leadership development?
It can't. Every mother is a leader in her home. She may not
be the leader in her home, but she is definitely a leader in
her home. Whether or not she is a good mother, she is a
leader. Whether she has control or not, she is a leader. She
is a leader because she has children looking to her for care,
guidance, protection, instruction, direction, and motivation.
She profoundly influences her children positively or
negatively. A mother is said to be a child's first teacher. She
teaches her child how to treat himself and how to treat
others. She teaches him how to approach life with all its
promise and pain. Motherhood requires the vision to see
what our children can become and the commitment to help
them get there. The effective mother meets the everyday
needs of her children while handling their long-term
development. Likewise, a leader must handle the day-to-day
issues of the organization while developing its future
leaders. Of course, this is not to imply that those we lead are
like our children. It is only to emphasize the parallel
between a mother's duty to develop her children and a
leader's duty to develop their people.

21

Mommy Leadership

Exhibit 1.1 Two Separate Leadership Spheres

22

What is Mommy Leadership?

Exhibit 1.2 Maximized Leadership Sphere

23

Mommy Leadership

Now let's turn to leaders. Leadership is one of the

most talked about, written about, and researched topics you
could name. So why is it such a popular topic? One clear
reason is the importance of leaders. A great leader can make
a greater impact than a great follower. Although great
followers are invaluable, it is through leaders that those
followers can maximize and multiply the contribution made.
To only follow someone elses direction limits your potential
in making a difference in the whole of whatever team or
project you are connected. To allow your skills and
experiences to flourish as a leader may bring the whole to
another level. It is a leader's responsibility to create vision
and inspire others to pursue that vision. We all have our
own concepts of leadership and who are the best examples of
it. Some of our opinions are consistent and others are
completely opposite.
There are, however, a few statements about leaders
and leadership that most everyone can agree on.

Titles do not make leaders.

Leaders need followers.
Leaders do not lead in a vacuum.

Titles Do Not Make Leaders

You've probably had at least one interaction with
someone who had a leadership title but was clearly not a
leader.
The leader provided no vision, no plan, no
inspiration, and no guidance. Under her leadership, the
team floundered with no hope of reaching their goal. On the

24

What is Mommy Leadership?

other hand, you may have also worked with an individual

with had no formal leadership title step out of the shadows
and take the lead. You may have watched in amazement as
she organized the collective talents of a group of people and
transformed them into a highly productive team. That
person may have even been you. The truth is that followers
focus more on what a leader does than what she is called.
On some cursory level, an individual with the title
"Director," "President," or "CEO" will command respect
simply because of the title. That level of respect only takes
the team or organization so far. At some point, followers will
require (and expect) a vision to work toward and strategies
to support that vision. In the absence of this type of
influence, followers will not rise to their collective potential.
A leader needs the skill set to effectively perform the role
with or without the title.
The responsibility is the same for leaders at work, at
church, and in any organization that has people. Whether
promoted, appointed, or elected to leadership, we look to our
leaders to give direction that moves the organization toward
its goals. If we have a work-related problem we cannot solve,
we look to our leader help for a solution. If we lack the
expertise to do our job, we look to our leader for training. If
we are trying to move up professionally, we look to our
leader for coaching or mentoring. Followers are looking for
direction, guidance, inspiration. If the CEO, President, or
Director doesn't provide those things, the followers will only
follow so far. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the great civil
rights leader, was able to influence people to follow even
though it placed them in harm's way. They did so because

25

Mommy Leadership

they believed in the vision he so often spoke about in his

speeches, not because someone declared him a civil rights
leader. A leader cannot expect to truly influence and inspire
followers based on her title alone.
It's not so different with motherhood. You may be a
child's mother, father, grandmother, aunt, or sister. If you
perform the mother role for a child, you are mother to that
child. The biological relationship is not so much what makes
someone "mom." Children (the followers) look to the person
they can depend on for guidance, protection, instruction, and
nurturing. This truth is what makes adoption so successful
for many families. Just like any other real leader, an
effective mother earns her position by what she does not
because she is called "mother."
Leaders Need Followers
He who thinketh he leadeth and hath no one
following him is only taking a walk.
---Anonymous
This old adage has been used to highlight various
observations about leadership. If we learn nothing else from
it, the saying reminds us that without followers, you are not
a leader.
Followers are a critical component of the
leadership process. A leader needs followers to execute a
strategy or carry out a vision. It is through followers that
leaders make things happen. Followers are a rich source of
diverse talents and experience from which leaders can draw.
This talent pool should be valued and nurtured. The proper

26

What is Mommy Leadership?

care and keeping of followers is a significant competitive

advantage for corporate managers, entrepreneurs, political
figures, educators, medical professionals or anyone else who
needs others to accomplish objectives. To lose sight of
followers contributions is to sabotage your own success. It
is common to hear executives say people are our greatest
asset, yet their actions say quite the opposite. They don't
invest the required time to develop relationships with their
followers. This is not to say that leaders should strive to
become friends with their followers.
However, it is
important for leaders to demonstrate care and recognition
that each follower is an individual with a life, a family,
talents, experience, fears and dreams. Amazingly, only a
small amount of personal attention from the leader
generally makes a follower feel valued. A follower who feels
valued is a person who is more likely to contribute than
someone who feels taken for granted.
As Mommy Leaders, our children are our followers.
In this context it is easy to recognize the importance of
developing relationships with our followers. No amount of
toys, clothes, or money can replace the relationship a mother
has with her children. Children want (and expect) mommy
to show an interest in and spend time with them. Similar to
adult followers, children may not verbalize this desire and
expectation. A teenager who believes her mother is too busy
to notice her is quite likely to act out in some way. That
same teenager won't be easily led or influenced by her
mother. Are adult followers really much different?
Another way that leaders "miss the boat" with
followers is by failing to train or develop them. Training

27

Mommy Leadership

and development is one of the first expenses to get cut when

the budget gets tight or workload increases. As stated
earlier, followers can be a rich talent pool. With the proper
development, some of these followers can and should grow to
become leaders themselves. Talented, motivated followers
who receive training and practical experience can become
invaluable assets to their organizations. Developing future
leaders should be a key priority for leaders. This is how the
group or organization survives and thrives.
Follower
development not only produces leaders, but also highly
competent individual contributors. Either way, developing
those who look to you for leadership raises the overall
competency of your team. A more talented team can greatly
increase the chances of your success.
Again, in the context of motherhood, the vital
importance of training and developing followers cannot be
overstated. Children come into the world as blank slates
searching for guidance as to who they will become. The
training and development of a child encompasses a broad
range of areas from developing personal hygiene to
developing personal ethics. It is a mother's responsibility to
develop her children into independent adults. If we do it to
the best of our ability, our children will grow to become
great parents to their children. Through this cycle of
development, our family "organization" becomes better and
more prosperous. This is our hope when we teach our
children how to behave, spend money wisely, and get an
education. Each generation builds on what they have
learned and is better off for it.

28

What is Mommy Leadership?

The Leadership Landscape

A leader does not lead in a vacuum. There are many
environmental factors that affect the leadership process. In
addition to the people we lead, the factors and trends of
society must also be managed. Any area in which you
operate as a leader has its own special factors at work. If
you are a leader in the area of education, social services,
manufacturing, medicine, government, or business, there
are specific factors and trends that will help or hinder the
accomplishment of your objectives. A leader must manage
all of these issues in addition to the followers for which they
are responsible. It is vital that we are intelligent about our
leadership landscape. What environmental factors could
impede the accomplishment of my goals? What other
influences could sway my followers? Are there external
resources (financial, human, or otherwise) available that
could improve my chances of success at reaching my
objectives? No matter where and who you lead, these are
important questions to ask yourself and be able to answer.
Your answers to these questions provide valuable input into
your leadership strategy. For example, a high school
principal has an objective to equip students to become
productive, responsible adults by providing a safe, nurturing
environment of academic excellence. As the leader of the
high school, she must consider current issues such as
shrinking school budgets and rising school violence. She
should anticipate their effect on her strategic plan and
develop actions to address them before they become
problematic.

29

Mommy Leadership

Mothers, too, have a landscape over which they

perform their role.
As we lead our children toward
adulthood, many factors exist that can derail our efforts.
Children are constantly bombarded with potential
influences from television, school, other children, the
Internet, printed media, other adults, and the list goes on.
The mother who is not aware of the latest trends in music,
clothes, or videos as well as who their friends are reduces
the amount of influence she has over her child. These
factors are likely counter to the values we are trying to
instill in our children. In order to raise healthy, happy,
productive children, mother's (and father's) influence must
often rival that of these other factors. Mother provides the
training and development that will allow her children to be
independent and make good decisions regardless of what
society is doing. I am sure each of us can think of active
steps we have taken to combat some of these influences. In
some cases, it requires an all out strategy to manage our
childrens development in spite of questionable outside
influences. This is no small task. As a matter of fact, it is
sometimes overwhelming. Yet, it must be done. And as
mothers, we get up every day and try to do just that. It's
really not so different than what leaders do.
Another essential part of navigating the leadership
landscape is maximizing relationships with other people
(who are not your followers). In other words, it is important
to network with other people. Many leaders are so busy
leading that they do not take the time to cultivate mutually
beneficial relationships with others. While it is imperative
to do your job well, many business decisions are made and

30

What is Mommy Leadership?

professional relationships built in other settings. Also,

leaders can gain so much information, resources, and
opportunities through networking. For this reason, the
savvy leader makes time to join professional organizations
and serve on committees. Often through a small time
investment in these groups, leaders make connections with
other leaders or individual contributors who eventually
become a part of their network. People in your network may
be able to expose you to business opportunities you wouldnt
otherwise have access to and be an invaluable resource for
you or your team.
Whether you realize it or not, moms (including you)
often use networking to perform their leadership role more
effectively. The wise mother understands that shared ideas,
techniques, and resources can yield significant advantages
for her children and can make her job easier. Who makes up
a mother's network? Extended family members, other
mothers, teachers, child care providers, doctors, and friends
are usually the people most mothers include in their
networks. Just as with leaders, the broader the network, the
more beneficial it can be. My network became particularly
important when my husband began to travel for his job. He
normally picked up our children from school and kept them
until I got home from work. Not wanting to leave work early
too often, I needed someone to pick them up from school.
Through my network, I was able to find a solution that
didn't break my budget. This is a simple example, but
depending on the breadth of your mommy network, the
advantages can be substantial. From tips on good schools to
leads on summer jobs, the network a mom develops can be

31

Mommy Leadership

life changing for her and her children. The value of

networking for mothers is validated by the many motherfocused organizations, magazines, and websites that exist to
foster such sharing or networking among mothers. Whether
leader or mother, it is advantageous to establish a strong
network.

32

CHAPTER TWO
Guiding Principles

ow that we have explored the parallels

between
motherhood
and
leadership,
Mommy Leadership goes a step further by
providing a process to capitalize on the leadership skills
from motherhood. The transferable skills from motherhood
can become important building blocks in a woman's quest to
become the best leader she can be. These are the skills you
currently use. They are already a part of you, and your
motherhood experience helped you hone them in order to
function more efficiently.
Mommy Leadership outlines four simple steps a
mother can take to use motherhood skills and experiences to
grow professionally. Step 1 is Skill Identification which
focuses on recognizing the skills and talents you already
possess. Step 2 is Skill Adaptation which focuses on

33

Mommy Leadership

transferring those skills and talents to leadership positions

outside the home. Step 3 is Skill Execution which focuses on
developing a plan to apply those skills and talents. The final
step is Skill Repetition which focuses on the importance of
practicing those skills.
Before getting into the steps of the Mommy
Leadership Method, there are three guiding principles
recommended for positive change:
1) Write it down.
2) Measure your progress.
3) Get feedback.
The Journaling Process
During this process of personal change, it is
important to keep a written record of your progress.
Journaling, the act of regularly writing your thoughts and
feelings in a book, is a critical process within the Mommy
Leadership Method. Documenting your journey toward
leadership is highly recommended. You will encounter so
much good information and experience along the way. With
your days being full, it is difficult to remember everything
that you learned on your journey, which makes it necessary
for you to write it down so that you can go back and reflect.
The benefits of journaling are many, but for the purposes of
the Mommy Leadership Method, journaling helps selfdevelopment and self-discovery. The main objectives of the
journaling process are as follows:

34

Guiding Principles

o
o

To keep a record of your action plans and progress

To organize your thoughts and feelings

As you journal your way through the Mommy

Leadership steps, remember that this is for you and no one
else. Your boss won't be using this and it is not for your
children. Don't worry about spelling, punctuation, or
grammar. Just write.
There are three main aspects of your Mommy
Leadership experience that you need to capture in your
journal: 1) your action plan what you want to work on, 2)
the results of your plan what happened when you tried it,
and 3) your personal reflections how you feel throughout
the process.
The practice of writing down your action plan is used
in all types of genres. When sports teams are deciding which
play they will use during a game, they write it down.
Business owners are strongly encouraged to write a business
plan. Potential investors often use business plans to
evaluate the viability of a business and determine whether
or not to invest. When it is on paper, it is much easier to
identify gaps or weaknesses in the plan. It is also easier to
commit the plan to memory (i.e., directions). How many
times has someone given you directions you thought you
could remember without writing them down? Many times,
this has resulted in the wrong turn being taken. The same is
true with any long-term plan upon which we embark.
If you aren't convinced yet that journaling isn't just a
glorified diary, consider this. I have tried many of the
popular weight loss programs, and one of the similarities is

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Mommy Leadership

that they ask you to keep a journal of what you eat. This is a
part of the self discovery they want you to undergo. By
keeping track of everything you eat, you can see patterns in
your eating behaviors. In journaling your journey in
leadership, you will uncover patterns in your leadership
behavior.
Measuring Improvement
Whenever you are looking for improvement in any
area, you must have an initial starting point against which
to measure progress. Over the years, my friend and I have
tried to lose weight often at the same time with varying
degrees of success. Every first of the month, we would start
the new diet or eating plan. She was meticulous about
weighing herself at the same time each morning with no
clothes on. She wouldn't start until she did this. I, on the
other hand, would often start my new eating plan without
weighing myself. My philosophy was that as long as I stuck
to my new eating plan, I would see progress. When my
friend and I would compare notes about our progress, I
found myself frustrated that I wasn't really sure how much,
if any, progress I had made. The same applies to leadership
growth. You must assess where you are currently before
taking steps to improve. Many people simply say "I want to
become a better leader." They then begin changing abstract
behaviors or techniques they believe will help them to
improve as a leader. The better approach is to assess where
you are first before making changes.

36

Guiding Principles

It is particularly difficult to measure behavioral

characteristics like leadership. With this type of change
process, it is important to determine ahead of time what
success looks like. Is it defined by the results you
experience or will you define it by how you accomplish a
task, or is it a little of both? Only you can answer that
question. Before you proceed, you must answer it.
Otherwise, you may find yourself questioning whether or not
you have improved. You need to feel confident that you are
not only moving, but moving in the right direction.
Under the Mommy Leadership approach, you first
identify the leadership skills, traits, or behaviors that you
already possess and practice. Then assess whether or not
you are maximizing that same skill, trait, or behavior in the
workplace. Are you using what you've got? The importance
of maximizing an existing skill is two-fold: 1) you can make
progress toward your goal more quickly than if you start
from scratch on a skill you do not possess at all, and 2) you
are more confident about your future success, because you
have already had some success with this skill, trait, or
behavior as a mother. When you are confident that you'll be
successful, you will work harder to achieve your goals. Rate
yourself on a scale from 1 to 10 and write it down. Be sure to
use a scale of measure that works for you. A rating of 1
could mean that you never use the skill, or have no success
when you use it. A rating of 10 could mean that you use it
regularly (5 times per week) and are effective in achieving
the desired results. Remember that you are rating yourself
on your use of the skill in the workplace, and not at home.
At home, you may have much success with the skill, so what

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Mommy Leadership

you are rating is the transference of the skill to the

workplace. Next, describe why you rated yourself as such.
Try to include concrete examples of behavior. This will help
you measure progress. Consider the example in Exhibit 2.1.
The more you understand up-front about your
leadership behaviors, the better you will be at improving
them. Also, it is important to write down information,
because there is too much to try to remember over a period
of days, weeks, and months. Exhibit 2.2 provides space for
you to practice this technique with one of your leadership
skills.
The significance of this point should not be
underestimated. Anything you want to improve not only
needs a starting and ending point to compare, as well as an
evaluative scale to use for measuring progress.
Getting Feedback
Is this process working? Am I making any progress? If you
are trying to improve in any area of your life, you will ask
yourself these questions at some point. One of the most
valuable tools in a development process is constructive
feedback. Constructive feedback is communication of our
observed behavior that an evaluator shares with us in order
to help us improve. That's why it is called constructive. It is
supposed to build us up, not tear us down. Feedback should
highlight both improvement as well as areas of opportunity
to improve further.

38

Guiding Principles

Exhibit 2.1 Example of Measuring Improvement

Skill Description
I am skilled at motivating others to work toward a goal.
Self-Rating
I rate myself an 8.
Reason(s) for Rating
Frequency: I motivate others approximately 3 5 times per week (by
her estimation).
Effectiveness: I judge my effectiveness by the number of people who
return to me and let me know how much I have changed their attitude
toward their goal and encouraged them to work toward it.
Behavioral Example
My coworker shared with me his desire to get promoted to the next
level of management. He was sure this was what he really wanted but
felt overwhelmed by the idea of trying to achieve this goal. I listened
carefully to his fears and concerns about the number of other
candidates and how he compared to them. I immediately shifted his
focus to what he had to offer and how well he would fit in a
management role. I encouraged him to analyze what he had to offer
and what he could do to improve. I also helped him brainstorm ways to
position himself for maximum visibility. By the end of the conversation
with me, my coworker believed in the possibility of his success and
had some action steps to bring it to fruition. I never knew whether or
not he achieved his goal. The important point here is that I helped him
get over his apprehension and motivated him to put action toward his
goal.

39

Mommy Leadership

Exhibit 2.2 Measuring Improvement Practice Exercise

Skill Description

Self-Rating

Reason(s) for Rating

Frequency:
Effectiveness:

Behavioral Example

40

Guiding Principles

Because feedback is so important, choose your evaluator(s)

carefully. Your feedback can only be as good as the
evaluator. Make sure your evaluator is thoughtful,
perceptive, and invested in your growth. Evaluators can be a
mentor, peer, or respected team member. It is actually good
to have evaluators at different levels of your organization
give feedback to you so that you can get a well-rounded view
of your leadership growth. You can add to the diversity of
feedback by getting it from people outside of your
organization as well. For example, if you are on the board of
a nonprofit organization, find someone there to evaluate
your leadership in addition to a person from work.
Feedback helps us to see what's in our blind spot.
When you look at yourself in a mirror, there is a side of
yourself that you cannot see. Even with a three-way mirror,
you cannot see your backside as well as someone standing
behind you can. Your evaluators are the people standing
behind you telling you "Girl, don't wear those pants again!
They do not work for you!" We need another perspective to
point out things we may not have considered.
Once you get the feedback, use it! Reflect on your
evaluators' comments and compare them to your own selfassessment. Identify the common themes and make a note of
the areas you had not noticed about yourself. Use the
feedback to make adjustments to your leadership approach.
You will find this information very useful in meeting your
leadership goals.
Knowing where you are, where you want to go, and
the steps you must take to get there are accomplished
through
proactive
and
contemplative
activities.

41

Mommy Leadership

Journaling, measuring improvement, and getting feedback

are all actions aimed at increasing and maintaining your
awareness of your progress. This process will help you
become a better leader.

42

PART II
The Mommy Leadership Method

CHAPTER THREE
Leadership and You

re leaders born or made? The answer is yes.

People are born with a tendency to be good at
certain skills. Some of those skills, talents,
and abilities are characteristics of good leadership. Your son
may have a tendency to organize all the children in his play
group to perform certain tasks. As your son grows, he will
become more of a leader if someone helps him develop his
leadership skills and provides opportunities for him to
practice leading. As we develop personally and
professionally, we each experience leadership in different
ways. That is what I like to call our leadership foundation. It
is the underlying base or support upon which you build your
competence as a leader. There are four elements that make
up our leadership foundation: 1) your personality traits,

45

Mommy Leadership

2) examples of leadership observed by you, 3) your

leadership experiences, and 4) any leadership training you
have had.
Your personality trait is natures contribution to the
leader in you. As I show in the example above, each of us
has natural abilities and any one of them can be used to
help you develop as a leader.
What we believe about leadership is greatly
influenced by the leaders we observe, whether they have had
a positive or negative impact. We may choose to pattern
ourselves after leaders who have made a good impression on
us. We also take into account those leaders that have made
a negative impression. In this case, we pledge not to make
the same mistakes as they have and therefore learn from
their mistakes.
Your leadership experience allows you to practice the
leadership skills you have gained. This is a continual
training process for leaders as they learn what works and
what doesnt. Experience teaches you to be a better leader.
There are differing opinions about the effectiveness of
leadership training. Some believe you can only learn
leadership by leading, however leadership training can
provide useful techniques, insights, and strategies that may
or may not be discovered during the practice of leadership.
The combination of each of these four elements
determines a person's approach to leadership. How we use
these and other skills greatly influences the caliber of leader
we become.
The kind of mother you are also comes from the
combination of four similar elements. First, the personality

46

Leadership and You

traits that come naturally to you as a mother are beneficial

to the development of the leadership role you have as a
mother. Second, you also observe other mothers, maybe your
own, to learn and model good parenting skills. Next, the
experiences you have gained as a mother teach you what
works and what doesnt. You learn from this to be a better
mother. Finally, motherhood isn't normally the subject of a
class you can enroll in; although there are parenting classes
offered that can be beneficial. They dont, however, cover all
the issues that you will face as you practice your role of
mother. For most of us, motherhood is on-the-job training.
Throughout our motherhood experience, we face a broad
range of situations. Each mother has as many unique
experiences as we have similar experiences. We all have
developed our own special ways of surviving and thriving as
mothers. Many of us don't even realize the skills and talents
we have developed while mothering our children. Moreover,
it probably doesn't occur to most mothers that those are
valuable skills which can be used in professional leadership
roles.
Assess Your Strengths
No one is more powerful than the person who readily
knows what she is good at and regularly practices
capitalizing on it. Do you know your strengths well enough
to make the best use of them? If someone asked you the
question "What are your strengths? would you be able to
answer right away? Unless a person is preparing for a job
interview, this question is often met with silence or

47

Mommy Leadership

Umlet me get back to you on that. So many of us cannot

readily articulate what it is that we do well. The reason it is
important to be able to answer that question in a job
interview is the same reason we need to be able to answer it
right now. In an interview, the answer to the question tells
the interviewer what you can contribute to the organization
you are trying to join. Before you can become the most
effective leader possible, you have to know what you can
contribute. Each one of us needs to recognize how critical it
is to know what we, as individuals, do well and what we
need to improve.
Play to your strengths. It is advice that I've been
given more than once. The statement play to your
strengths means to use your strengths as much as possible
to accomplish any objective. Politicians do it all the time.
When asked a question, they always find a way to highlight
the same positive attribute or attributes about their
background. No matter what the question is, it always
comes back to the same attribute. We can learn something
from those politicians, many of whom have won political
races by focusing our attention on their one or two positive
attributes. Before you can play to your strengths, you first
need to determine what your strengths are.
A good test to ensure you have spent sufficient time
understanding your strengths is to be able to articulate
them in 30 seconds or less. Practice naming your strengths
to yourself as you look in the mirror. It may seem silly at
first, but there is something about watching yourself as you
say those positive words to yourself out loud. Think of it as
your 30-second leadership commercial that tells what you,

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Leadership and You

the leader, can offer professionally. You should know

yourself so well that you could capture your leadership
strengths in 30 seconds or less. Invest the time in knowing
yourself. You are worth it and you will be a better leader for
it.
So what about those things you aren't so good at? As
a leader, it is important to be aware of both your strengths
and weaknesses. This self-knowledge goes a long way
toward helping you understand and manage yourself while
working to achieve your objectives. You know situations in
which you are more apt to excel and those you are likely not
to perform well. Performance assessments in the workplace
often refer to weaknesses as areas of opportunity. These
areas of opportunity are supposed to be the focus of each
employee's development efforts. The Mommy Leadership
Method, on the other hand, encourages you to focus your
energy on further development of the skills and talents you
already possess. Your strengths are the true area of
opportunity. The idea is to do more of what you already do
well. In Tom Rath's book, StrengthsFinder 2.0, he explains
the benefit of maximizing your strengths versus expending
your extra energy trying to overcome your shortcomings. He
references Gallup research to show that people who focus on
their strengths are generally more successful. Consider, for
example, someone who has a natural talent for math and
struggles with writing. That person could certainly become
a successful author through training and hard work, but she
would more likely excel in some role that involves the
frequent use of math like engineering or accounting. If you
are naturally charismatic, reflect on where and how you can

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Mommy Leadership

deliberately use it to your advantage. Allow that attribute

to shine through in each of your leadership roles.
Take note of your weaknesses, and do not allow them
to be a hindrance; but use your strengths as areas of
opportunity. Focus on your strengths!
Match Your Talents
The first step of the Mommy Leadership Method is to
identify your special skills and talents that can be applied to
leadership. It is important not to get hung up on
conventional names for leadership skills such as strategic
thinking. At first glance, it might be difficult to see how your
motherhood experience can translate you into a better
leader. Take a step back and look at what you do and how
you do it.
Answer the following questions:
How do you
o Resolve conflicts between family members?
o Solve complex problems?
o Work with teams?
o Handle crises situations?
o Manage projects?
o Assess and develop the talents of others?
These are all responsibilities of leaders, and many mothers
practice them all the time.
It is often not easy for us to recognize our own
strengths. That is why this is a difficult step in the process. I

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Leadership and You

personally struggled with this myself. I only think of my

strengths when I am getting ready for a job interview or a
performance review.
If you draw a blank when identifying your leadership
skills, think about a difficult situation you encountered and
how you resolved it. What did you do? The "systems" you
have developed to accomplish things is so second nature to
you that you may not even recognize it as a strength or skill.
Another source of ideas is comments and
compliments you receive about your methods (how you get
things done). Your husband might say, "I don't know how
you do it, honey, but you always.." Your girlfriend might
ask you "How do you do it? You make ____ look so easy."
Often others can see our strengths and talents better than
we can.
If you are still having difficulty, Exhibit 3.1 lists
some common leadership skills to give you some ideas to
consider.
EXHIBIT 3.1 List of Leadership Skills and Attributes
Communicating Effectively
Building Technical Competence
Building Effective Relationships
Assessing Performance
Providing Constructive Feedback
Managing Human Resources
Modeling Desired Behaviors
Building Teams
Developing Others

51

Decision Making
Setting Goals
Delegating
Managing Conflict
Negotiating
Problem Solving
Strategic Thinking
Reframing
Creative/Innovative
Thinking

Mommy Leadership

Empowering Others

Managing Financial
Resources
Emotional Intelligence
Change Agent
Visionary
Credibility

Teaching and Training

Coaching
Perseverance
Ethical Behavior

This is a difficult step in the process because you often don't

recognize your own strengths.
Own Your Leadership
What does it mean to "own your leadership"? It
means to take control of your leadership experience. You can
do that in two ways. First, take responsibility for your
leadership development. Second, determine where you will
lead and what kind of leader you will be.
Reading this book is the first step in taking
responsibility for your development. Throughout my career,
I have been reminded by various supervisors that no one is
more responsible for my career progression than I am. "It's
your career," they said. "You have to take responsibility for
what happens to it." During those career discussions, they
would ask me what job position I wanted next and what
management level I aspired to in the future. I always
dreaded those questions because I had not done the personal
work to know what I really wanted to do and how I planned
to get there. I could readily tell them what I didn't want to
do, but that is where my career insight stopped. After
having my children, boredom and complacency began to take
52

Leadership and You

hold in my career, and I wasn't really moving up in my

company. I knew it was time I figured out what I wanted to
be when I grew up. For me, it took a year or two to really
find my direction professionally, but I hope that you will find
yours more quickly, if you don't already know. If you are like
me, you may need to spend some time pondering the
following questions:

What do I enjoy doing?

What would I like to do for the rest of my life?
How can I add value?
What do I aspire to change?
What is my passion (besides my children)?

These questions are a good starting point as you think about

where your professional life is headed. What does all of this
have to do with you becoming a better leader? If your
leadership contribution is focused on your passion, then you
are more likely to have long-term career success and
satisfaction.
I recognize that the thought of adding something else
like self-development to your plate as a working mom seems
irresponsible and thoughtless. You are already struggling to
contain all of the responsibilities you currently manage
your children, your job, your marriage, your church work,
your volunteer activities, etc. How can you think of doing
something else, especially something else for yourself?
Believe it or not, it is perfectly okay to do something for
yourself and this something will help you be better and
likely happier.

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Mommy Leadership

Admittedly, improving anything takes time and

energy, as it will in this case. Since you don't have much of
either, be very deliberate with your time and make sure that
the proportion you spend on various activities aligns with
your priorities. Clearly your children are a top priority, so
you will spend as much time as you can with them. On the
other hand, that favorite crime drama it seems you can't live
without could provide an extra hour of productive time for
you. It should be pointed out that the biggest time
commitment of Mommy Leadership is time for you to think
about yourself and strategize for your future. Carve out 15
minutes a day everyday to think about YOU. It could be
while you are driving to work, at your desk on your lunch
break, or in the gym on the treadmill. It will be time well
spent.
It is commendable to work on becoming a better
leader, but if no one is following you, it doesn't do anyone
much good. Who will you lead? Who will you influence in
addition to your children? Again, this is a question that only
you can answer, and you will be more prepared to answer
this question once you have done the personal pre-work
mentioned above. Will your passion direct you to lead in
your community, corporate, entrepreneurship, ministry, or
politics? Any one of these arenas could benefit from more
leadership expertise and commitment. You could be the
leadership benefit they need. Consider the possibilities.

54

CHAPTER FOUR
Skill Identification
(Recognize It)

ision can be a funny thing. Sometimes we see

only what we expect to see. You could see
someone you know from one venue in a
different venue and not recognize that person. For example,
a casual acquaintance you know only from the gym may
visit your church one Sunday morning. You look directly at
her but do not recognize her because you never see her
anywhere but at the gym and she is dressed completely
different than how you are used to seeing her. You've never
seen her all dressed up with her hair neatly styled. For all
you know, her wardrobe only consists of oversized T-shirts,
torn sweatpants, and wringing wet hair pulled back in a
ponytail. The abilities you practice in motherhood are much

55

Mommy Leadership

like your acquaintance from the gym. You do not recognize

them as leadership because they are used in a different
venue (home) and they are "dressed" differently
(motherhood role). Just because you develop a skill in your
role as a mother does not mean it can't be used for
leadership in a different role.
Skill Identification is the first step in the Mommy
Leadership Method. It is important that you recognize the
leadership skills, attributes, and talents you already
possess. If you don't realize you posses a skill, you may miss
not-so-obvious opportunities to put it to use. The following
pages describe several identifiable leadership skills you may
find you practice everyday. Review each of the skills and
reflect on your experience with that skill. Picture how you
might transfer that skill into a professional environment.

Managing Conflict
In many cases, managing conflict is like walking a
tightrope, particularly when it involves two people that you
love. Not long ago, I spoke to an acquaintance who told me
about the constant war between her husband and her
sixteen-year-old daughter. She would arrive home after
work wondering what she would face when she opened the
door. Who would be yelling at whom? What ugly words
would be flying back and forth? The unending bickering was
beginning to escalate, and she feared it would end up
permanently damaging the loving relationships she had
worked so hard to build in her home. It was clearly time to
intervene. Her greatest challenge was to avoid alienating

56

Skill Identification

her daughter by taking her husband's side and at the same

time avoid undermining her husband's authority as a
parent. She began attacking the conflict with short-term and
long-term actions. Whenever she witnessed an altercation
brewing, she immediately shut it down. Next, she listened
intently to the concerns of both her husband and her
daughter. She also closely watched their communication
with each other during arguments as well as times of peace.
Once she had gathered sufficient insight into the conflict,
she began working on her longer term solution of
relationship building between her husband and her
daughter.
As she explained the drama she was living with
daily, I couldn't help but think about the parallel with her
role as a leader in the workplace. Consider her husband as a
manager of the same management level in another
department or function. Consider her daughter as one of her
employees. The peer level manager and her employee are in
a conflict. Her challenge in this situation is to avoid
alienating her peer manager, but at the same time
protecting and supporting her employee. The process and
skills she used to deal with the conflict in her home are
certainly applicable here.

Creativity/Innovation
A leader with limited creativity may find it difficult
to solve complex problems, manage limited resources and
create vision that inspires others. Creative leaders take
people to places no one has even thought of. They also

57

Mommy Leadership

inspire creativity and innovation in those they lead. I've

never considered myself as the creative type; however, I
found that there is nothing like motherhood to inspire
creativity. One of my favorite personal examples was my
son's first role in a school program. He had to dress like an
ancient king and recite a monologue about his character. I
had never heard of this king and knew nothing about him.
So, I went to the Internet to find out what he looked like. It
was two days before the program and I had to come up with
a king costume. I went to the fabric store and bought a long
piece of fabric that looked rich, yet ancient. I also bought a
Styrofoam ball and some gold glitter glue. I stuck the
Styrofoam ball on a smooth rod that we had at home. I put
the gold glitter glue on the Styrofoam ball to make it look
like a gold ball. That rod and Styrofoam ball became his
scepter. He still needed a crown and I hadn't been able to
find one for him, so I stopped at the local Burger King and
asked for two of their gold cardboard Burger King crowns.
I stapled the two crowns together to make the crown sturdy
and used the gold glitter glue to cover the words "Burger
King."
On program night, I draped the fabric around him,
placed the crown on his head, put an old gold necklace
around his neck and handed him the rod with the Styrofoam
ball. He was hailed as one of the best dressed there. The
important thing here is not that I created a cute costume for
my son, but the process that I went through to come up with
the solution to my problem. I remind myself of this story
when I am faced with an unconventional problem in the
workplace.

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Skill Identification

Perseverance
Perseverance isn't often listed as a leadership skill or
behavior, but it can certainly determine the long-term
effectiveness of a leader. Any objective worth achieving will
have obstacles and challenges to overcome. It is up to the
leader to believe in her vision and stand up against the odds.
Nothing of great value comes easily. The leader's
perseverance in the face of difficulty is what encourages her
followers to press forward.
The journey through motherhood is flanked with
challenges, obstacles, and hurdles. A good mother never
gives up on her quest to turn her babies into adults of whom
she is proud. For some mothers, that is more of a challenge
than others.
A mom I know adopted a young girl with her
husband. As her daughter grew, it became increasingly
apparent that her daughter was struggling in school and
falling further and further behind. The mom spent
significant amounts of time after work helping her daughter
with homework. When she realized that wasn't enough, she
hired a private tutor. When there was still no improvement,
she had her daughter tested by a professional. The
professional gave her the discouraging news she had feared
about her daughter. She had a learning disability that
impeded her ability to learn.
Despite what she had been told, the mom was
determined that her daughter would one day go to college.
Throughout her daughter's high school years, the mom
worked tirelessly using tutors and other resources to make
sure her daughter learned what she needed to graduate

59

Mommy Leadership

from high school. Every new grade level brought the

challenge of new concepts for her daughter to master.
Despite those challenges and setbacks over several years of
school, the mom continued to make the time, energy, and
financial commitment. The mom never gave up until her
daughter walked across the stage to receive her high school
diploma. Perseverance is how moms help their children
achieve their goals in the face of all the obstacles, challenges
and hurdles that life throws at them. Perseverance is also
how leaders help their followers achieve goals in an often
difficult and complicated world.

Delegating
Delegating is considered an advanced leadership skill
that many less experienced leaders have difficulty using.
This skill is important to effective leadership for a couple of
reasons. First, it allows the leader more time to do other
tasks. If nothing else, the leader needs to spend more time
strategizing for her organization. Many a leader have
experienced burnout because they tried to do it all
themselves. The second reason delegating is important is
that it allows others to learn and gain valuable experience.
Running the household successfully requires a lot of
time and effort. Mommy cannot do it all by herself, nor
should she. In your regular house cleaning routine, you
delegate tasks to each of your children based on their ages
and abilities. Each child is given instructions for successful
completion and expected frequency. You may have regular
checkpoints and evaluation of each person's performance.

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Skill Identification

Together the members of your household successfully run

the house. Delegating responsibility is a key skill for
leaders, and you've probably practiced it a time or two as a
mother.
Delegating is particularly important for those who
have a lot of responsibility and limited time. During one of
my first supervisory experiences, I began learning the
importance of delegating. One of the men that I supervised
was a lot older than I and apparently believed that he was a
lot smarter. Every time I gave him an assignment, he subtly
questioned the merit of what I asked him to do and how I
asked him to do it. It got to the point that I decided to
simply do the work myself instead of wasting time having a
debate with him. By doing the work myself, I allowed him to
undermine my authority as a leader and he missed an
opportunity to learn something new. Worse yet, I wasn't
able to use my time effectively for the company. It reminded
me of the many times I have cleaned my children's rooms
instead of going through the hassle of making them do it. I
finally got a clue. My children needed to clean their own
rooms, and my employee needed to do the work I assigned.

Teaching and Training Others

Great leaders realize that their followers are the
future of the organization that they lead. By teaching and
training followers, the leader raises the competence of the
overall organization. This important skill takes patience and
an ability to communicate concepts simply so that others can
understand.

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Mommy Leadership

Mothers are their children's most important teachers.

Children have to be taught or trained in every area of life.
Even though children are educated in school, mothers teach
their children everything from toilet training to making
friends. Think of all the things you've taught your children
including tasks, skills, behaviors, ethics, and habits.
Mothers that have a special knack for teaching and training
can use that skill in their leadership role.

Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence has been hailed as a skill that
sets great leaders apart from good leaders. According to
Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence is the ability to
motivate one's self, manage the emotions of, and empathize
with the feelings of others. Since so much of leadership is
about developing relationships, emotional intelligence is a
powerful tool in the quest to be a better leader.
Managing our emotions and the emotions of others is
a regular requirement of motherhood. I recall a recent
situation with my seven-year old son when I was helping
him with math homework. He wasn't getting it and didn't
seem to be trying. I had been having a stressful time at work
and had little patience. After what seemed like hours of
math homework (actually it was only 15 minutes), I lost my
temper and yelled at him repeatedly for his lack of effort and
explained what happens to children who don't learn math.
Then I sent him to bed. The next morning I asked him "Did
you think about what we discussed last night?" He looked at
me with a blank but sincere expression and said "What are

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Skill Identification

you talking about?" I instantly realized that all my ranting

and raving was totally ineffective. After some reflection, I
realized that I was ineffective because I allowed my
emotions to determine how I handled the situation.

Change Agent
A true leader must not only manage change, but also
drive change. Change is a natural part of the growth process
for any group or organization. Leaders use change to solve
organizational problems and improve the organization. Once
the leader identifies a need for change, she must
persuasively communicate the need to her followers, teach
the new process or action, and drive implementation of the
change.
Many mothers are change agents in their homes.
Most of them probably don't realize how much of a change
agent they are within their family units. Mom identifies the
need for change, determines what needs to be changed, and
works with the family to implement the required change.
Consider this example. A mother notices that her family,
children and parents included, seem to be gaining weight.
Concerned about her family's long-term health, she begins
making changes in their lifestyle such as replacing TV time
with outside activities, buying fruit instead of sweet snacks,
and using water to quench her family's thirst. Her family
resists the changes and complains at every turn. Soon,
however, her husband and children begin making healthier
choices outside of the home on their own. As in this example

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Mommy Leadership

and many others, moms can drive change that lasts a

lifetime.

Visionary
A leader absolutely must have vision. Vision is what
leaders encourage followers to strive toward. It is a clearly
articulated idea of what she wants to accomplish. It also
includes the why and the how. Through her vision, a leader
can see what her group or organization can become or
achieve.
Most mothers have a vision for their children. Good
mothers spend a major part of their lives helping their
children see past today to what tomorrow can be. Insightful
mothers have the ability to see past the present despite the
current state of affairs. This type of mother can look at a
troubled teen today and see a doctor or lawyer 15 years from
now. Consistently, these mothers articulate the goal to their
children and work through the "how" step by step. We've all
heard the stories of great individuals who were able to
overcome significant challenges to achieve great things.
Many of them credit their mothers who were able to see
more in them and fought to help them achieve their goals.

Problem Solving
Leaders have to solve problems. I heard President
Barak Obama say to a reporter that by the time a problem
gets to his desk, it is a tough problem. He went on to say
that if the problem were easy, someone would have solved it

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Skill Identification

before it got to him. That is the plight of leaders. They must

grapple with challenging situations that no one else has
been able to resolve. With her total organization in mind,
the leader gains an understanding of the situation, develops
several potential solutions, and determines the best course
of action.
How often do children look to Mommy to solve all of
their problems? When children are young, the problems are
usually pretty easy to solve. As they age, however, the
problems become more and more complex. The Mommy (and
Daddy) is always supposed to know what to do in every
situation. We usually have answers to most of the questions
our children look to us to answer.

Framing
Framing is an important skill for leaders. Highly
influential leaders are able to frame a situation, problem, or
circumstance for followers so that they see it in a different
way. The leader frames by carefully choosing words to
highlight certain aspects of the situation while excluding
others aspects. When the followers see the situation as the
leader frames it, they are more likely to believe in the
leader's vision. The followers' belief translates into action.
Whether you realize it or not, many mothers use
framing to encourage their children to follow a certain path.
A simple example is the mother who convinces her young
love-struck daughter to put off marriage until she gets her
college education. She explains to her daughter how she will
be more prepared to immediately contribute to the

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Mommy Leadership

household financially and help her husband if she has an

education. She further explains to her daughter that when
the children come, she will be able to give her children more.
Had the mother simply told her daughter to wait because
she was too young, she would likely have not been successful
in convincing her daughter to wait. The mother framed the
situation in a way that showed her daughter how having an
education could make her marriage better.

Modeling Behavior
The most critical leadership role a mother and a
leader play is that of an example. Probably the most
common way we lead is by example. Whether we like it or
not, children look to us to see how to behave. From our best
moments to our very worst ones, our children are
consciously or subconsciously watching what we do and how
we behave. It seems like common sense, but I really saw the
application of this with my three-year-old daughter. She
loves to eat and I don't want her to struggle with her weight
as I have done over the years. I don't particularly like to
exercise, but I know that she looks to me to see what she
should do. She needs to see me taking care of myself so she
will take care of herself when she is older. It warms my
heart to see her join me when I do an aerobics tape. I know
that I am helping her develop a habit that will serve her
well for the rest of her life.
It is amazing how a leader's behavior can affect the
culture of the group or organization she leads. In leadership
studies, it has been found that leaders who have an

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Skill Identification

appealing behavior that encourages the follower rather than

a directive behavior will gain higher performance from their
followers. The followers want to perform beyond what is
expected of them because of the relationship they have with
the leader and the trust they have in the leader. These
followers not only achieve higher performance, but also have
greater satisfaction in their job. The perception of their role
is enhanced and greater job satisfaction is experienced.
However, if the leaders behavior is questionable or nonappealing and relating with the followers is troublesome,
then the behavior of the followers will result in lower
productivity and job dissatisfaction.

Multi-Tasking
Both leadership and motherhood often require more
time than we have. The art of multi-tasking is how we get so
many things done in so little time. The many demands on
most leaders make multi-tasking an invaluable skill to have.
Leaders have to juggle management responsibilities and
people responsibilities while looking to the future of the
organization. All of the demands of leadership can become
overwhelming. Multi-tasking can help increase our
productivity level when it is used appropriately. When
people think of multi-tasking, they envision someone doing
two or more things at once. An example is the mother who
helps her children with homework while cooking dinner and
washing a load of clothes all at the same time. In the office
employees regularly participate in audio meetings while
doing computer work. This type of multi-tasking certainly

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Mommy Leadership

has its place, but there is another more advanced dimension

of multi-tasking which involves accomplishing mother than
one objective with a single action. For instance, a mom
requires her teenage son to work a summer job. By having
him work the summer job, she accomplishes the following
objectives:
1. Provide experience of going to a job everyday to
increase responsibility level.
2. Teach the value of money.
3. Bring in extra money to help with school year
expenses.
4. Provide exposure to the operation of a business in
support of son's career goals.
5. Limit the amount of free time for son to get into idle
mischief.
Think about the multi-tasking techniques you use to
manage the many responsibilities of motherhood. There is
no reason that the same techniques cannot be altered to
help you accomplish your professional leadership objectives.

Developing People
It is a leader's responsibility to develop those she
leads. Followers come to a leader at varying levels of
development professionally, personally and emotionally.
The organization's sustainability and growth are directly
correlated with the effective development of its people.
Developing people is equal to developing the organization
you lead. I would venture to say that developing people is
the legacy that you leave as a mother. There are several

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Skill Identification

reasons why I say this. It is our children who will shape

tomorrow's society. How successfully we develop our
children greatly determines their contribution to the
worldgood, bad, or indifferent. Our children are the
decision makers and problem solvers of the future. When
our children are born, they are a wealth of possibilities.
They are also raw talent. As a Mommy Leader, you need to
use this critical leadership skill in the workplace as you do
in motherhood. Motivate, inspire, teach, coach and mentor
those who follow you with the same skill you employ in
motherhood. The development of people is a hallmark of
leadership because effective leadership perpetuates itself.
I remember commenting to a friend of mine that her
daughters were involved in a lot of different activities. Her
daughter, Sandra, was currently in track and on the debate
team. I also recall her daughter taking music lessons and
more. My friend explained to me her very strategic plan for
her daughter. Her main objective was to expose her
daughter to as many different experiences as possible so
that she could develop various skills. She went on to tell me
that every school year, her daughter could pick one sport
and something else. She encouraged her daughter to choose
some things she thought would be fun as well as some
things that would help her in her weak areas. Of course, the
sports helped her develop athletically, but also as a team
player, increased her confidence and helped her to stay fit.
The debate team helped her develop her confidence as a
public speaker. She also babysits and learns responsibility
while earning her own money.

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Mommy Leadership

Effective leaders do this all the time with their

people. They work to expose each person to various job
assignments while achieving the organization's goals. These
leaders use these experiences to develop leadership,
business acumen, and teamwork.
Let's be clear. No mother is great at all of these
things. No leader is great at all of these things either. The
objective is to assess one's abilities honestly and
productively. In the space provided below, take a moment to
list the leadership skills you believe you possess.

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Skill Identification

Mommy Leadership Exercise: Your Leadership Skills List

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

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CHAPTER FIVE
Skill Adaptation
(Transfer It)

hroughout my 20-year career, I have heard

people talk about using transferable skills to
convince prospective employers that they are
qualified to do a job they have never done. Consider the
example of an Executive Assistant who applies for a job as a
Project Manager. When the interviewer asks what
experience she has as a Project Manager, she responds that
in her current position she manages many projects for the
CEO while doing her own work. She further explains that
she also works with the Finance Manager to make sure the
projects stay within budget. In other words, she explains to
the interviewer that she functioned as a project manager

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Mommy Leadership

without having the title. This is the beauty of transferable

skills. They not only provide confirmation of your skill to the
potential employer but also to you. Since you have
performed the task in one setting, you are more confident
you can do it in another.
Our transferable skills prevent us from being pigeonholed into one job or position and allow us to transform
ourselves as we grow both professionally and personally.
The concept of transferable skills is simple. As in the
example above, a transferable skill is a skill normally used
in one setting that has been applied in another. It doesn't
matter what the skill is. What matters is that the skill can
be valuable in another setting. The individual with the skill
must recognize that value and believe it can be used in the
other setting. Why is it important for the individual to
believe it can be applied elsewhere? If the individual does
not see the connection, she won't be able to make the
connection and apply the skill in the new setting.
When transferring a skill to another situation, it is
important to adapt the skill to the new setting so it does not
lose its effectiveness. Through the Mommy Leadership
Method, leadership skills from the motherhood experience
are adapted for application in the workplace or other
leadership roles. Adapt means "to make fit (as for a specific
or new use or situation)." It implies a modification based on
changing circumstances. Think of a movie that is adapted
for television. Although the movie was originally made for
the big screen, someone makes the decision to show it on
television. In order to do so, the picture format has to be
changed to fit television screens. That is why you see the

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Skill Adaptation

black bands at the top and bottom of the screen. Then

commercial breaks are inserted, and depending on the
movie, the language is cleaned up or certain scenes deleted.
These are some of the modifications made to adapt a movie
for television, yet the story is the same. The characters are
the same and the storyline is the same.

The Adaptation Process

So how do you adapt or modify a skill? What things
will change from home to work? First of all, at home you are
dealing with children and at work you are dealing with
adults. That will likely require a shift in your approach. For
example, you likely wouldnt talk to adults as you do
children. In fact if you did, your employee may become
offended at being talked to in a condescending manner. In
some cases, dealing with adults at work may be easier; in
other cases, more difficult. Also, the project is likely
different, and the objective may be more complex.
Regardless of these differences, answering the questions in
each of the following steps will guide you through the
process of identifying and adapting your skill to be used in
professional leadership.

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Mommy Leadership

Five-Stage Adaptation Process

Stage 1 Prioritize one skill you have identified in step 1 (Skill Identification)
that you want to use at work or in your business.
Stage 2 Visualize how it could be used successfully in your workplace.
Choose a common situation that might happen at work. (This is where your
creativity is required. Success hinges on this stage. If you can't see it, it won't
work.) If you can't visualize using this skill at work, choose another.
Stage 3 How will using this skill at work improve things? Will the work be
done more efficiently? Will people work together better? What other
improvements might you see?
Stage 4 What specific actions must you take to use the skill at work? How
is it different from how you normally do things? List at least three actions.
Stage 5 What obstacles might you face when trying to use the skill at
work? Your own fear? Co-workers' attitudes? Other external factors? List
them and jot down how you can overcome them.

The
adaptation
process
is
really
quite
straightforward. It only requires thought, creativity,
planning, and maybe a little help from this book. The list
provided in the previous chapter should be a good starting
point, but don't limit yourself to these.
In order to adapt a skill, you have to plan it. Some
thought must take place. Your action plan is simply a well
thought out scenario of how a specific skill or trait can be
used at work. You know you do. The critical question is how
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Skill Adaptation

do you do it? Remember that this process is supposed to be

natural and gradual, not stressful. Tackle only one skill at a
time so that you don't get overwhelmed. Exhibit 5.1
provides an example of an adaptation action plan.
This action plan format is brief, simple, and practical.
How you lay out your plan is not important; only that you
write it down. While I realize that time is limited, this
process requires that you invest thought and planning. It
will not work in the absence of either of these. Throughout
the adaptation process, remember to be flexible. As a
mother, you should be quite comfortable being flexible.
Motherhood tends to require it.
In stage 2 of the example, the Mommy Leader
identifies the specific parallel between her mother role and
her professional leadership role. This is a fundamental
element in adapting your mommy skill recognizing this
parallel. Stage 3 helps you to understand the significance of
adapting this skill to those you lead professionally. What
sense does it make to adapt a skill that does not move your
organization forward? This answer is it doesn't! Stage 4
is "where the rubber meets the road." It is here that you lay
out your strategic actions steps. Your careful thought,
planning, and creativity allow you to pinpoint specific
actions to transfer your skill to the workplace. In this stage,
the conceptualization of Mommy Leadership becomes real.
Finally, in stage 5, like any good leader, you anticipate
potential obstacles before they happen and plan how you
will overcome them. You don't have to think of all the
possibilities, only the most likely ones. If you think through
these potential issues in advance, you will be more in control

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Exhibit 5.1 Sample Adaptation Plan

Stage 1 Skill to adapt?

The ability to develop others
Stage 2 How to use at work or in my business?
The five individuals I supervise are a mix of new and
experienced employees. As a conscientious leader in my
organization, I recognize my responsibility to not only
supervise my people, but also to develop them. Just as I
recognize the diverse strengths, weaknesses, and
developmental levels of my children, I also recognize those
things in my employees. Each one of my employees has
unique needs, interests, and goals. I work with each person
to facilitate their growth and the fulfillment of their
professional goals.
Stage 3 How will it improve my workplace/business?
By improving the competence of individual team members,
I improve the competence of the organization. Well-trained
and developed employees are able to do their jobs more
efficiently and effectively. They can also provide innovative
ideas to improve the organization and are likely to be more
satisfied in their jobs.

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Skill Adaptation

Stage 4 Actions that I can take?

1. Understand each employee's professional interests
and goals through effective listening.
2. Assess each employee's strengths and opportunities
for improvement.
3. Determine developmental needs based on employee's
interests and goals in the context of the organization.
4. Identify and implement appropriate development
actions based on the organization's resources.
Stage 5 Potential obstacles and how to overcome them?
1. The resources needed to develop my people are not
readily available to me. Budgets for training classes
are usually the first thing to get cut when an
organization needs to save money. Time is the other
resource that is often in short supply. Allowing
employees time away from their jobs to get training
requires some level of lost productivity. Organizations
are sometimes not willing to make that sacrifice.
I can overcome this through creativity (i.e., using
cross-functional assignments, shadowing more
experienced employees, leading non-critical
projects, using professional videos, books, etc.)
2. The employee I am trying to develop may not want to
be developed for various reasons. Everyone is not
interested in improving professionally.
I may overcome this by making the decision to
concentrate my efforts on someone who wants my
help or by trying to motivate this person to aspire
to something greater.

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Stage 1 Skill to adapt?

Stage 2 How to use at work or in my business?

Stage 3 How will it improve my workplace or business?

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Skill Adaptation

Stage 4 Actions that I can take?

1.

2.

3.

Stage 5 Potential obstacles and how to overcome them?

1.

2.

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of how you react to them. Better yet, you may be able to

prevent one or two of the issues from ever becoming an
obstacle by being proactive.
Take a few moments to develop your own adaptation
plan for a leadership skill you use in motherhood. The five
stages outlined above will guide you through the thought
process as you brainstorm and strategize.
Once you
complete your plan, revisit and revise it as often as
necessary to accommodate changes in you and your
environment.

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CHAPTER SIX
Skill Execution
(Do It)

othing beats a great plan, except a great

plan that is well executed. Planning is
important, but execution is critical especially
when you are in leadership. In the previous Mommy
Leadership step, you created an action plan to adapt a skill
or trait from motherhood to the workplace. This is the step
in which you put that action plan into action. Recognize that
you are the person who is ultimately responsible for your
own professional growth and development. In many
companies, it is often only the senior most formal leaders or
"high potential" employees that receive leadership training
and coaching. If you are one of those leaders, that is great.
Take advantage of it. If you are not, take responsibility for
your leadership development into your own hands and DO
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something to make it happen. You took the first step by

reading this book; but if you are to improve, develop, and
grow, it has to go farther than simply reading a leadership
book.
So as a leader, once you have an executable plan, it is
time to go for it! It is time to execute. Don't make excuses.
Don't procrastinate. Don't expect someone else to do it. As I
began to write this chapter, I thought about the word
"execution" and what it actually means. One definition says
execution means a carrying into effect or to completion. A
great way for us to think about execution is in terms of
sports. I do not know a lot about sports, but I have seen
many coaches draw plays on a board and walk the team
through it. Once the team sees it laid out visually, they go
out on the field and do it. The players execute the play (or
plan). You must focus on executing your plan. The best
players do not allow other people to distract them. They
focus on executing the play no matter what is going on
around them.
Although Mommy Leadership is a simple concept, it
is not always easily executed. Of course, things don't always
work out the way we plan them. Sometimes during an
actual basketball game, the play has to be slightly revised
based on the other team's actions. The same will be the case
as you execute your leadership action plan. Things will
happen that you did not anticipate. People will behave
differently than you expected. This is where flexibility is
critical. Flexibility is a matter of survival for mothers. The
experienced mother will tell you that flexibility is possible
when you are prepared for most anything. You've made the

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plan, so prepare for the possibilities. Some people may even

resist the stronger leader they see in you. Don't get
discouraged. Keep doing what you're doing.
Here are a couple of recommendations to help you
prepare to execute.
o

See it.
o See yourself using your mommy leader skill.
Play the movie in your head. You are the main
character.
Say it.
o Speak the words. Verbalize what you will do
and what will happen when you do it.
Do it.
o Replace the words with action.

So why do you have to DO something?

Mommy Leaderships focus is on leadership growth.
If you do the basics, growth will happen. A child that is
given food, shelter, and medical care will grow. However, if
you want the child to thrive, you must provide educational,
social, and spiritual guidance. The same is the case with
your leadership growth. You want to thrive as a leader, so
you have to execute your Mommy Leadership action plan.
You want to drive as a leader. The plan looks great on
paper, but it will look even better on you.
I have found that execution is often slowed or
prevented by fear. We are too afraid to do one thing or
another. Fear is the enemy of execution. I have never heard
anyone say, "I'm afraid to plan this or that." On the other

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Mommy Leadership

hand, I can't tell you how many times I've heard or even
said, "I'm afraid to do this or that." Fear doesn't keep us
from planning. It keeps us from doing. It sabotages our
belief in ourselves and steals our opportunities.
Fear is especially powerful against us when we keep
it hidden. We are often ashamed to admit that we are afraid
and become paralyzed into inaction. Many times our fears
are irrational, but sometimes our fears have merit. A dear
friend of mine helped me to face my fears about some of my
professional pursuits. She asked me to verbalize what I was
afraid of. Then she asked me what would happen if what I
feared actually happened. I thought about it and played the
scenario out in my mind. Once I really thought it through, it
didn't seem quite so frightening. On the other hand, some of
our fears are very real. In those cases where the situation
could cause you serious consequences, prepare for that
situation. Preparing for the worst helps to mitigate the
negative consequences and reduce your fear.
What if it doesnt work out? The fear of failure is a
stumbling block as mentioned above, but failure can actually
be a benefit. You learn so much from failure that you wont
easily forget. You gain a new respect for learning. You
become more open to advice and directioneven criticism.
You learn about the gifts that you have deep down such as
stamina and discipline. Failure usually makes a person
stronger rather than weaker. So if it happens, dont go into
hiding. Pick up the pieces and go on.
Now is your call to action! You've been given the
message. You have the tools. It is time to take responsibility
for improving your leadership ability. Why not start doing

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Skill Execution

so by using a key experiencemotherhood? Once you finish

this step, you can say, "Yes, I did it! I executed my plan!"
But not so fast. Don't put that transferred skill into your
leadership bag just yet.
What is a leadership bag? Sometimes referred to as a
leadership toolbox, a leadership bag is the collection of
leadership skills, talents, attributes, and behaviors a woman
possesses and can access at will. It is your leadership skill
set. I like to think set of my skill set as a bag versus a
toolbox because it is more meaningful to me as a woman.
While I do have a toolbox in my home, I never leave home
without some type of bag (i.e. purse, diaper bag, briefcase,
cosmetic bag, or multi-purpose bag). These bags represent
the collection of essential items I take with me (and use)
when I go out into the world.
The leadership bag is a lot like those other bags you
carry. It holds the essentials you use to perform your
leadership responsibilities. Depending on the situation you
face, you pull the appropriate skill from your repertoire to
get the job done. If you do not have the appropriate skills in
your bag, you will likely not be prepared to handle certain
leadership situations successfully. If a situation calls for
conflict resolution and you do not know how to effectively
resolve conflicts, then you will not be able to lead your team
through that circumstance.
In other words, conflict
resolution was not among the tools in your bag, therefore
you could not pull it out and use it at will. For this reason,
it is important to stock your bag with as many valuable
leadership skills as possible. That is where The Mommy
Leadership Method can help. It can provide a way to add

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skills and experiences from motherhood to our leadership

bag.
It is imperative for you to regularly take those tools
out of your leadership bag and practice them in the
workplace just like you do in your mommy role in order to
make them second nature. That will "make it stick."

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CHAPTER SEVEN
Skill Repetition
(Make It Stick)

ractice makes perfect as the old saying goes. It

is no great revelation that doing something
once or twice is not enough to master it.
Transferring a Mommy Leadership skill is no different.
Once you have successfully applied that skill to a workplace
situation, you have to do it again and again. The more you
practice that skill in different contexts, the more it will
become second nature to you.
Not only is practice critical in developing a skill, it
also provides you with the confidence that you can do it. You
know you can because you've done it so many times before.
This is critical for us. As women, we often do not believe in
ourselves enough. You must be confident that you can

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execute successfully. Even if you fail, you have to believe you

will do it the next time or the next time or the time after
that.
Some people fool themselves into thinking that
watching something done over and over will give them the
expertise to do it. Trust me. It doesn't work that way. One
time, my husband and I attended our seven-year-old son's
basketball game together. That basketball season was my
son's first real exposure to the game of basketball. Needless
to say, he wasn't very skilled at the fundamentals of the
game such as dribbling, shooting, and playing defense. Once
the game started, it didn't take long for my husband's
frustration level to reach its boiling point.
It was quite humorous to me to watch my husband's
reaction when my son shot two free throws and totally
missed the basket, ran down the court and tripped over his
own feet, and allowed the boy he was guarding to score point
after point. I finally felt it necessary to remind my husband
that this was our son's first exposure to basketball. His reply
was "I've told him over and over again to watch the
[professional] basketball game with me so he would know
what to do." That's when it hit me. I knew that watching the
pro basketball players play would do little to improve my
son's skill level. Let's face it. The professional players make
it look easy. My son had to practice the skills himself, and
so do you. Just like the pro ball players, great leaders make
look easy, and you make some of your "mommy processes"
look easy as well. How many times have you helped your
children with their homework, cooked dinner, and washed a

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Skill Repetition

load of clothes at the same time? Repetition is not an

option. It separates the good from the great.
Practice increases your competence and confidence.
No matter what you are trying to master sports, music,
math, cooking, or public speaking you must practice
regularly. It is during practice that you mentally process the
event What worked well? Why? What didn't work so well?
Why? What could you have done differently to improve the
outcome? What evidence do you have that your observations
about the situation are valid? Are you being too hard on
yourself? Not hard enough? This mental analysis is a critical
part of the transfer process. It is your own personal debrief.
Ideally, this debrief should be done when your brain is alert
and your body is quiet and still. It does not have to take long
(maybe 10 minutes or so), but it is a conversation that you
must have with yourself. We are often so busy doing, that
we don't take much time anymore for thinking and
reflecting.
After you have completed the four steps of the
Mommy Leadership Method with the first skill, choose
another leadership skill or attribute to focus on and begin
again. Work through the steps, one at a time, and continue
to fill your leadership bag.
After reading the process, you may be thinking "Will
this really work? Can this process help me to become a better
leader?" That is a natural question. Think of it this way. If
throughout this process, you gain one additional leadership
skill or attribute to use professionally, the time spent
reading this book and the work of using the process will
have been worth it.

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Mommy Leadership

Mommy Leadership does not suggest that the

motherhood experience is a substitute for leadership
training in the workplace only an important complement.
It is my belief that we must use every experience or role to
enrich us as leaders. Diversity of experience makes for wellrounded influencers.
One of the shortcomings in some leadership training
is that it tries to fit everyone into three or four leadership
types. Some training may even attempt to fit men into one
mold and women into another. Leading is as individual as
your fingerprint. There are certainly tenants of leadership
that are true across the board, but each one of us has our
own style of influence, and partnered with the right
development, can render us much more powerful than we
ever imagined.
Ineffective mothers produce children ill prepared for
life as adults. Ineffective leaders produce leaders ill
prepared to influence and guide followers, groups,
departments, businesses, ministries, and organizations. If
you empower a mother, imagine what that does for her
children. Now imagine what an empowered Mommy Leader
can do in the professional arena.
Its important to put what you learn into practice.
The interesting thing about practicing is what I like to call
the reciprocal effect. The more I incorporated the Mommy
Leadership practices into my life, the more I realized
something. I realized that there is a reciprocal effect.
Mommy Leadership encourages mothers to transfer the
skills they use in motherhood to improve as leaders
professionally. The process of assessing my leadership-

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Skill Repetition

related motherhood skills required reflection on both my

leadership skills and my motherhood skills. Practicing a
certain skill in various settings and situations helps
strengthen your command of the skill in all arenas.
Therefore, you will also be better able to use it even more
effectively as a mother. Using the skill in one venue will
help you in the other. You will also get better at applying
transferable skills.
In order to bring the whole Mommy Leadership
Method together, there are several behaviors that will help
you be successful.

Mommy Leadership Behaviors

o

Take care of yourself - your total self.

It is 360-degree care. Your physical, spiritual, professional,

and emotional welfare affects your performance as a leader
in your home and everywhere else. You perform your best
when you feel your best. No one can take care of you like you
can and no one will. You also want to set a good example for
those who look to you for leadership. If they see you taking
care of yourself, they are more likely to do the same. You
want them to feel their best so that they can perform at
their best. You've probably worked for at least one person
who spent the majority of their waking hours consumed
with work grabbing a bag of chips as they work through
lunch, taking no time for any physical activity. I may even
be describing you. We all know that this is not a sustainable

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Mommy Leadership

lifestyle for a leader. Understand that by taking care of

yourself, you are taking care of all those people for whom
you are responsible.

Find a mentor. Be a mentor.

The lack of women in high-ranking leadership positions is

often attributed to the fact that many women do not have
mentors to help them navigate the professional landscape.
There are so many talented female leaders that haven't
realized their full potential. Women need to help each other
grow into the leaders to fill the leadership gap that exists in
so many arenas. As far back as anyone can remember,
women have traded secrets and shared ideas on how to best
accomplish all that mothers are called upon to do. Much
knowledge was passed from experienced women to younger
women around the kitchen table. I cannot think of a reason
why Mommy Leaders shouldn't continue in that same
tradition providing guidance and support to one another
on our journey to leadership.

Don't just manage, lead.

There is a difference. A manager uses resources (human,

financial, or otherwise) to accomplish an assigned goal or
objective. A leader influences others to work toward a goal.
She creates a vision, influences followers to embrace it, and
guides those followers to make the vision a reality. While

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mothers do a lot of managing, there are those highly

effective ones who do a significant amount of leading as well.
You can see it in the way they run their homes and raise
their children. Mothers manage the housework and the
homework. Good mothers have a vision for their home and
everyone in it. Likewise, good leaders have vision for those
they lead. Keep that vision in front of you and lead your
family and group toward it.

Commit to continual learning.

The world around us is constantly evolving at lightning

speed. It is imperative to learn new skills, concepts, trends,
technology, etc. in order to stay relevant. The more a leader
stays abreast of the world around her, the better equipped
she is to make decisions. Also, those who follow us are
looking to learn from us, from our employees to our children.
If they aren't learning from us, they will learn from
someone. Whatever you can learn, learn it. Be aware that
you don't just learn in the classroom or on the job.
Opportunities for learning are everywhere. Look for them.
Position yourself to learn. How? Reading is one of the best
ways. Many mothers, including myself, complain that they
don't have time to read. We often have to do it in snippets of
time 15 minutes of a book here, 10 minutes on the Internet
there. Choose a variety of sources. Interacting with different
people is another great way to learn things. Small talk at a
party can yield big benefits. You never know what you may
learn from a simple conversation. Carve out two hours once

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Mommy Leadership

or twice a month and attend a seminar or meeting on a topic

of interest. That is another rich source of learning. Learn!
Learn! Learn!

A positive attitude is critical.

Likely, your first exposure to the importance of attitude was

when your teacher read The Little Engine That Could to the
class. Remember that unlike more qualified (bigger) engines,
the little engine agreed to take on the seemingly impossible
task of pulling the long string of train cars over the hill.
While the little engine worked to accomplish his task, his
refrain was "I think I can." This simple childhood tale goes
to the heart of optimism and hard work. Fast forward
twenty years and the message is still just as poignant. In his
book Attitude 101, noted leadership expert, John Maxwell,
makes the case for the importance of a positive, can-do
attitude. He explains that attitudes are contagious and that
the right or wrong one can help or hinder leadership
performance. Pay close attention to the attitude you project
as well as the attitude projected by those you lead.

Recognize your limits.

This is more than just knowing what you can't do or

accomplish. Understand why your limit is a limit for you. It's
important to understand the underlying reasons so that you
can access whether or not you can ever overcome that

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Skill Repetition

limitation. Some limitations are seasonal. While your

children are younger, you may not be able to take on that
extra project. Other limitations are based on preparation. If
the limitation exists because you do not know something,
then you can remove or reduce that limitation by taking a
class or gaining expertise from some other source. Finally,
there are limitations that you can do little about. Learn to
work around those.

Get results.

All the leadership training and development that you do

ultimately come down to this: What is the result of your
leadership efforts? Mommy Leadership focuses on
leadership skills, behaviors, and traits. Clearly, these are
important, but without results, it is all for naught. A
leader's job is to influence her followers to accomplish some
goal. A leader's results set her apart from other leaders. If
you are not getting the results you seek, step back and reevaluate what you are doing.

Strive to improve.

Celebrate your strengths and successes, but always

challenge yourself to get a little better every day. Reflect on
your leadership experiences what went well and what
didn't. Make note of what you'd like to improve upon and
keep it in mind as you deal with people and make decisions.

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Accept feedback and learn from it. Take on different types of

leadership roles as they present themselves (if your schedule
permits). Be aware of opportunities to practice specific
leadership skills and behaviors in all settings.

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PART III
A Message of Motivation

CHAPTER EIGHT
A Mommy Leadership Lesson

he best time to see what type of leader you are

is to observe your behavior in a crisis. Once
the crisis is over and you take the time to
reflect on the events, there are often valuable lessons to be
learned. The process of self reflection can provide you with
invaluable information about your strengths and
weaknesses. It also allows you the opportunity to see what
leadership skills and attributes you employ to accomplish
your objectives. Over the years, I have spoken to many
mothers who have shared life experiences with me. The
following account is a composite of some of those shared
experiences and tells the story of a mom's experience that

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required her to take on a leadership role during a crisis

within her family. My observations of this mother's actions
are shown at the end of this account. Through this story, I
hope that you will see a glimpse of yourself as a leader and
mine some leadership nuggets from your own crisis
experience.
Abigail is an upper middle-class mother of three
children aged 10 years, 14 years and 17 years old. She runs
a small, but successful, business out of the home she shares
with her husband of 20 years. This incident was one of the
most trying events of her life and helped her understand
how her leadership kept the family together and guided
them through this unexpected predicament. Here is
Abigail's story.
Many families have fallen victim to the economic
crisis of the past couple years. Abigail and her family were
no exception. As recently as three years ago, Abigail's home
business was thriving and her husband, a Sales Director,
was regularly bringing home hefty bonus checks. The family
was doing quite well financially and living comfortably until
it all came crashing down. The day that changed their lives
so drastically began like any other day. She got the kids off
to school and her husband off to work. She sat down at her
computer to begin working. When the phone rang, she was
so engrossed in her work that she hadn't realized two hours
had passed. She picked up the phone unprepared for what
she was about to hear. It was her husband. He had been let
go from his company. After hearing those words, she
couldn't hear anything else he was saying. Her mind began
racing as she thought of all of their financial obligations

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A Mommy Leadership Lesson

the mortgage, the cars, her son's upcoming college tuition,

her daughter's gymnastics lessons, and her younger son's
hockey league. How would they manage?
Over the next several weeks, the bills seem to gobble
up the family's savings, her husband's severance pay, and
his unemployment checks like a Pac Man video game. The
earnings from her business were also suffering due to the
current economic climate. Their financial woes had the
family in an emotional tailspin. Her children were ashamed
of and frightened by the family's sudden change in financial
status. Her husband was depressed and had all but given up
on finding another job.
Abigail also wanted to just give up, but someone had
to keep it together. It became increasingly apparent that the
family would not be able to survive financially without a
plan. Abigail decided to take action! She spent some time
alone brainstorming about the family's financeswhat
obligations they could eliminate, which ones they could
postpone, and what they could do to generate more money.
Once she had a workable list, she knew the next step was to
rally the troops. She couldn't implement the plan alone. It
had to be done as a family, as a team. Unfortunately, her
family was focused on the problem and not the solution.
Each family member was paralyzed with grief over the loss
of the financially stable life they once lived.
Abigail knew that it was up to her to motivate her
family to work together for survival. It was time for a family
meeting. At the meeting, she laid out the family's grim
financial situation, but highlighted the positives in their
lives.

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Mommy Leadership

She then shared her list of ideas and solicited input

from each family member regarding how to and who would
implement each idea. As the focus shifted to problem
solving, everyone seemed to become more hopeful that they
could turn their situation around.
The all important next step was executing the plan
and implementing the ideas. Everyone left the family
meeting encouraged and raring to go. Her seventeen-yearold found a part-time job at a local fast food restaurant and
began investigating financial aid for college. Her teen-aged
daughter quit the gymnastics team to save money and began
babysitting for extra money. Her youngest son gave up
hockey and got a newspaper route. Everyone was extra
diligent in turning off electronics that were not in use in
order to save on the electric bill. Abigail took special care in
shopping wisely at the grocery store and preparing low cost
meals as much as possible. Her husband had even stepped
up his job search.
Despite their efforts to make up for her husband's
lost salary, the family continued to fall behind in the list of
bills that were due. Then the unthinkable happened. They
were forced to move out of their home into a rental. After all
the hard work and sacrificing, this was a serious punch in
the gut. Abigail could not believe this was happening. It was
surreal. Both Abigail and her husband felt like such failures
letting something like this happen to their family. This
latest blow caused significant turmoil among the family
members resulting in blame, anger, and depression. Abigail
realized that this financial hardship was threatening to
destroy her family's relationships, hopes and dreams. It was

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A Mommy Leadership Lesson

all at stake. Again, Abigail had to do something. She knew

she had to deal with the emotions before any real work
would be done. First, she dealt with her own emotions
regarding their financial circumstances. Then she began
working on her husband. He was having a particularly hard
time with their financial situation, because he believed it to
be his fault. Abigail had to employ all of her motivational
skills to lift her husband out of his hopelessness. He was so
down that he even stopped searching for a job. She needed
him to work with her as a co-leader to make it through their
situation. He was a critical element of their recovery plan.
Little by little, the family began to make slow but
steady progress toward a more healthy financial future.
They are still working to get back on their feet financially.
Abigail's leadership helped her family to walk through the
ordeal and handle it in a proactive, productive manner.

The Lessons
As I consider Abigail's story, I see leadership lessons
from a life experience that provided on-the-job leadership
training in a crisis situation.
Throughout this emotionally charged situation,
Abigail managed the emotions of her followers (family
members) as she moved them toward the solution. It is
likely that the family would not have been able to work
through their individual and collective feelings had they
not had appropriate guidance. This leadership skill
sticks out for me in this story. (Emotional Intelligence)

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Mommy Leadership

She built a team. She got each of the family members

to buy into the action plan and take a role in
implementing it. (Building Teams)
She developed a strategy to handle the financial
hardship caused by the loss of her husband's job. She
had input to the strategy from her team members, which
helped them feel a part of the solution. (Strategic
Thinking)
Once the action plan was developed, she facilitated
its execution through her leadership of her children. She
made sure each team member made their contribution to
the overall strategic plan. (Execution)
The ability to motivate others is one of the skills that
separate leaders from managers. Abigail had the
daunting task of helping her husband believe in himself
again after the sudden loss of his job. Job loss can be a
devastating blow for men whose identities are tied to
their jobs or those who believe it is a man's responsibility
to provide for the family. Her support and
encouragement were the ingredients that made the
difference. (Motivating Others)
Abigail could be any one of us. We have all had or
will have events that require someone to step up and lead
the way through difficult circumstances. Mothers deal with
crises of all types whether they are medical, social, legal,
financial or a combination of these. On the next two pages,

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write down the events of a crisis situation that you

encountered as a mom. Be very specific and descriptive as
you recount the event. Then go back and read it. As you
read, think of the actions you took to lead or help lead your
family through it. Refer to any list of leadership skills and
compare with what you did in the crisis. I bet you will find a
match!
Mommy Leadership Exercise: Lessons from a Crisis
Describe your personal crisis situation in the space below.
Include your specific actions and behaviors.

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CHAPTER NINE
The Mommy Leadership Continuum

eadership is a process. It is not a position or a

title. No matter what your natural leadership
abilities are, you have to work to become
better and more effective. As with any process of growth,
there are various stages of development. New leaders must
learn the basics of leading people, especially in the context of
the organization in which they lead. Those who are not new
to the leadership role must work to hone their leadership
skills and behaviors. More seasoned leaders must work on
their skills for developing the organization's next set of
leaders.
Anyone who has been a mother for any length of time
knows that each stage of a child's development brings about

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new challenges in parenting. Based on those challenges, a

parent focuses on specific aspects throughout the child's life.
The mother of an infant focuses on very different skills than
the mother of a teenager. These two mothers use different
methods of meeting the needs of the child appropriate to the
stage of development they are in. The same is true in
leadership. Leading an inexperienced employee requires a
different approach than leading a mature employee.
Throughout our lives as mothers, we automatically utilize
certain skills and talents to effectively raise our children
based on their developmental levels. So as our children
grow, we too can grow as leaders. At each age and stage of
their development, the mother can focus on developing a
variety of leadership skills. I call this the Mommy
Leadership Continuum. Mothers with children of all ages
can benefit from the Mommy Leadership Method.

Ages and Stages

The ages and stages of a child's development can be
categorized in a number of ways. For the sake of simplicity, I
will describe three major stages infancy to preschool (birth
to age 5), childhood (age 6 to 12), and adolescents (age 13
and up). The stages of motherhood can be aligned with a
child's development. As the children change and grow, so do
mothers. Throughout a childs life, the mothers parenting
strategies and development focus changes as their children
change and grow. The mothers leadership development
increases as she plans how she will accomplish things,

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evaluates the results of her plans, and establishes new

methods that match the developmental stage of her childs
life. Everyone benefits from going through the stages of
development. These years of helping a child develop are not
wasted; they enhance the mothers viability.
In the early years of a child's life, mom is teaching
basic, but important, life skills needed to function in society.
The infancy/preschool stage is a child's introduction to the
environment in which they must survive and hopefully
thrive. The major thing mothers provide during this stage is
the basic physical and emotional needs of life.
Once they become mobile, the next challenge is to
keep the child from hurting him or herself. This stage of
motherhood is a busy time of task completion. Every time
she completes one task for her child, another one is required.
At the same time, she has other demands that must be
attended to such as other children, housework, husband, or
job. Time management and prioritization are key skills that
a mother in this stage practices.
Also in this stage, children are learning to master
skills for themselves such as walking, running, talking, and
feeding themselves. They try to exert their autonomy and
strive to control the world around them. Mothers have to
help them learn the skills they need to master, build selfesteem, and begin to teach them right from wrong.
These skills can easily be applied to the working
relationship between a leader and a new employee. A new
employee requires more time and supervision from the
leader than the more established employees. As a leader,

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new employees need you to help them learn key skills and
master certain tasks. Newer employees require closer
supervision teaching them the methods and culture of the
organization. Newer employees will ask more questions of
the supervisor as they learn more. They also are developing
autonomy in performing their job. It normally requires
repetition and a lot of patience from the supervisor. A leader
has to put in the time with her followers in order to develop
them. Just as in motherhood, this is a time-intensive stage
for the leader requiring time management skills and the
ability to measure and further develop the employees
progress.
During the childhood years, mothers focus on
teaching their children values and problem solving skills for
independence. For many moms, this is often a busy stage
because children are often involved in many school and
social activities that require transportation. Since children
do not need to be as closely supervised, this stage requires
mom to begin trusting that what she has taught her child is
being applied. The children are establishing relationships
outside of the home gaining new friends, teachers, coaches,
etc. As children develop socially, more problems arise in
these situations that need to be worked through for the
inner development of the child. The values and problem
solving skills taught to them come into play as the child
experiences challenges. The child may or may not require
the support of their parent depending on the situation, but
the support is available when needed.
This stage can be compared to leadership in that the
leader teaches and trains her employees who are not so new

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to the organization. She must begin to trust them to make

decisions for themselves for they have been taught values
and problem-solving skills throughout their employment
with the organization. When she delegates a responsibility
to one of her employees, she has to trust them to carry it out
successfully. The employee reviews what they know about
the organization pertaining to the situation they are facing
and determines an appropriate solution. Delegation is not
easy for most mothers or leaders, but it is absolutely
necessary. We must all go through this in motherhood and
leadership.
In the later years of motherhood, adolescents are
seeking their identification in the world. They begin
thinking about whom they are, what they want to do in the
future, and what they want to stand for. They make
decisions regarding their peers and social interests. In this
stage, Mom takes on the roles of coach and mentor. Clearly,
Mom is a coach and mentor throughout her child's life, but
an older child's need for a coach and mentor overshadows
the types of needs moms satisfy for younger children. Older
children are making life-altering decisions and are
preparing for leadership. They need the wisdom of the
seasoned mother to help them through this stage of their
lives.
Likewise, in leadership, it is widely accepted that
mentor and coach are key responsibilities of a leader.
Forward thinking leaders understand that their followers
must be proactively developed in order to have a successful
organization in the future. Coaching and mentoring

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whether formal or informal are critical components of the

leadership development process for emerging leaders.
Most leaders, certainly those in the workplace, are
required to do more than can be accomplished in a regular
eight-hour workday. In these times of leaner organization,
leaders are responsible for more objectives and more people.
It is imperative for the effective leader to successfully
manage the numerous tasks, meetings, and people while
planning the organization's future. (Priorities in motherhood
are often competing just as they are in the workplace.)

Special Circumstances.
It's All in How You Look At Things
There is another aspect of the Mommy Leadership
Continuummothers with special circumstances. Many
mothers raise children under special circumstances that add
complexity to the already demanding role of mothers. Some
of the more common ones are single parent homes, special
needs children, and blended families. These circumstances
provide another opportunity for the development of
leadership skills that can be applicable in other settings.

Single Mothers
Focused Skill: Organization & People Development
As a married mother of two, I have often

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wondered how single mothers do it all. Although there are

more single-parent homes than ever before, parenting alone
is a major undertaking. Whether through divorce, death, or
any other circumstance, the single parent must be both
mother and father to the children. Many single moms tell
me that there are two key practices that allow them to be
effective and successfulbeing organized and appropriate
training of the children. Effective single moms regularly use
organizational and time management skills. They are one
parent with many responsibilities. They also focus on
training their children to be self-sufficient at an earlier age.
Because these moms have so little time, they must be both
effective and efficient in the training of their children. It
goes deeper than simply teaching them how to do things for
themselves, but also quickens the childs maturity growth.
While not an ideal situation, children of single moms are
often required to watch younger siblings or work to support
the family as another adult would normally do. If you are a
single mom, you may discover that you, like many other
single moms, have developed a level of proficiency at
developing people.
A single mom's circumstance can be likened to that of
a leader in a busy corporation. In tough economic times,
these organizations cut budgets and layoff staff. More
employees need to do multiple tasks covering the
responsibilities of those laid off. Supervisors don't have a lot
of time to train their employees, so training has to be done
quickly yet effectively.

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Blended Families
Focused
Conflict

Skill:

Emotional

Intelligence

and

Managing

No matter what we saw on The Brady Bunch,

making a blended family work is often a complicated
situation to navigate. Actually, many of the episodes
demonstrated some of the problems that can arise in
blended families. In one of the episodes, Alice, the
housekeeper, was accused of showing preferential treatment
to the boys whom she had been with for years. For whatever
reasons, the girls believed Alice loved the boys more than
she loved them. Of course, this perception caused all kinds
of problems within the household. By the end of the episode,
the adults in the home (the parents and Alice) had
successfully convinced the girls that although Alice had been
with the boys longer, she had equal love and concern for
them. Unlike the Brady Bunch, most of the blended family
issues cannot be fixed within a 30-minute timeslot.
Furthermore, Mom may or may not have a supportive
husband or live-in housekeeper working by her side to make
the family function effectively.
Depending on the specifics of each blended family,
the relationships between adults and children from different
homes with different rules and different expectations can be
difficult to manage. Successfully managing one's own
emotions and the emotions of others requires skill, insight,
and self-management. This emotional intelligence allows
mom to make better decisions for the family and solve

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problems more effectively. For example, she does not allow

her own desire to be accepted by her stepdaughter change
her expectation of her stepdaughter. If she allowed her own
feelings to cloud her decision-making, her stepdaughter may
not become the person she could have been. A peaceful, wellfunctioning family unit hinges on a strong and wise
influence that is not afraid to be unpopular.
The mother of a blended family can find herself in a
comparable situation as the leader of a diverse group of
team members. Some of her team members have been
working with her for years while others are new to her
group. Her team members are a mix of people from different
backgrounds with different work habits and different
expectations. Under normal circumstances, the team
functions fine together. When the team faces pressure to
deliver difficult objectives in a stressful environment, the
team dynamics tend to become emotionally charged.
Feelings and emotions ignited by stress can greatly hinder a
team's effectiveness. In this relatively common situation, the
team leader can use her emotional intelligence to discern
unarticulated emotions, hidden loyalties, and unmet
expectations that sabotage her team's achievement of its
goals. Her level-headed leadership ushers her group past
their individual feelings through the emotional turbulence
that envelops her team, and guides them peacefully to
collective success.

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Special Needs Children

Focused Skill: Decision Making and Positive Attitude
Parenting a special needs child presents a unique set
of challenges. The "special needs" designation includes a
broad array of issues from chronic illness to emotional or
behavioral disturbances and mental retardation to learning
delays. The mothers of these children must raise them like
any other mother while managing the symptoms and issues
resulting from their conditions. Initial diagnosis is likely
met with disbelief, anger, sadness, and hopelessness, but the
child looks to mommy for hope and strength. Doctors,
counselors, teachers and other professionals provide moms
with mind-numbing amounts of information about their
children's conditions. Mommy (and sometimes Daddy) has to
make decision after decision about their child's care.
The mother of a special needs child has to have a
vision for the child's future. I remember watching a
television show about a woman who had a set of autistic
twin boys. Professional after professional told her that her
sons would not be able to function independently in society,
but she saw something special in her boys and believed that
they could achieve more than what the doctors said they
could accomplish. Through her untiring efforts, her sons
grew to be well functioning adults. This true story was
extraordinary enough for it to be made into a movie.
Mothers of special needs children are found to be
very creative in being able to navigate in society getting the
needs of their child met. One example is a child with Down

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syndrome. In this scenario, the local elementary school is

not equipped to handle, and may not want to handle, the
challenges a Down syndrome child faces. The mother
becomes an advocate, researcher, and self-starter. By
gathering information and resources, the mother works with
the school to ensure that the needs of her child are met. The
mother's creativity not only empowers her to help her child
but also causes change in the world around her.

See It In Another Way

Many times we look at our circumstances and lament
the fact that things aren't different. Why can't my life be
"normal" like other people? Why do I have to go through
this? Although life's challenges are not pleasant to go
through, they actually present growth opportunities for us.
If we choose to look at the positive in an otherwise negative
situation, there is always a lesson to be learned, a skill to be
practiced and perfected. Certainly, the circumstances I have
highlighted in this chapter can be viewed as challenges
facing some mothers. Look for the things you are learning
or have learned as well as the survival skills you have
developed. These are the beautiful pearls growing in that
not so attractive oyster. If you change your outlook, you will
discover these precious gems.

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FINAL WORDS
Reasons or Excuses:
It Doesn't Really Matter

t this point, you have read all but one chapter

of this book and now know what Mommy
Leadership is about. You have also probably
already decided whether or not you will actually try what
you've read. Let me first congratulate you on the first step to
improving your leadership skills through Mommy
Leadership. Now let me tell you that simply reading this
book is not enough. You owe it to yourself to try the process.
There are always reasons (or excuses) why we won't try
something new. So before you start developing those reasons
in your head, let me help you. I've listed five reasons
(excuses) not to apply what you have read. I admit that
these could be legitimate reasons, but I have some thoughts

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about those reasons. Remember, when you make excuses,

you are giving away your power. If you make the decision to
try the process, you have empowered yourself to do it.
1.)

Reason: I am too busy.

Think about this. It has been said "If you want
something done, give it to a busy person." Let's face
it. You make time for the things you have
prioritized to be most important. Mommy
Leadership is professional development, and
professional development means personal growth.

2.)

Reason: I am not the best mother. How can I apply

anything for leadership?
Think about this. None of us are as good a mother
as we would like to be, especially working mothers.
No, you probably don't do everything well, but you
most likely do something well. Capitalize on it.

3.)

Reason: I do not have a leadership position at my

job.
As I stated in the first chapter, leadership is not a
title. It is influence. Whatever your position, you
have influence. If you are in a supporting role at
your company, there are skills that you have that
others look to for direction. Your opinion matters

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because you have the experience and knowledge

that can be trusted.
4.)

Reason: I never learn anything useful in leadership

training and leadership books.
Even if a nugget of information that you can apply to
your situation is gleaned, it is worth the effort.
Sharing ideas, methods and processes empowers one
another in growing as leaders. The experiences
shared help us consider our own possibilities. It is the
application of these ideas to our leadership
experience that gives us the opportunity to grow as
leaders.

5.)

Reason: Mommy leadership is nothing new. I

already do what is discussed in this book.
Great! Keep doing what you are doing and share your
knowledge with other would-be mommy leaders.

Admittedly, this is a practical approach to improving your

leadership and not very theoretical. Having studied
leadership, I can assure you that there is much leadership
theory available for your reading pleasure. Personally, I am
one for understanding how I can use information to solve
problems or drive change. I am looking for results.
Being the leader of anything can seem pretty
overwhelming at times. There is so much that we need to be
good at managing, listening, coaching, delegating, and the

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list goes on. A wise person once told me that I don't have to
wait until I am good at all these things before I start
leading. Think of it as a series of steps that little by little,
day by day, you will see improvement. Just as our children
grow a little each day or in spurts, likewise, we will grow as
leaders. There are times when you will demonstrate such
growth that you do not recognize the leader you have
become.

A Word About Self-Talk

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:
---Proverbs 23:7 KJV
As you understand your journey to become a better
leader, be aware of your self talk. Self talk, what you say to
yourself about yourself, is powerful. Whether you say it out
loud or just think it, self talk can make or break you. It can
undo all the good work you have done, so be careful of what
you say about yourself. What others say about your ability
or potential is important, but what you say about it is far
more important. Many women, and especially mothers, are
particularly vulnerable to negative self talk. We are often so
hard on ourselves. We continually rehearse in our minds our
shortcomings or mistakes. We sometimes take it a step
further believing that our mistakes mean that we are not
good mothers. Likewise, in the workplace, we can name a
myriad of our professional shortcomings. But everybody has
shortcomings. Of course, we all know that logically, but so

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often we use the smallest mistake as evidence against

ourselves. We actually build a case against ourselves based
on those mistakes that we aren't good mothers or good
leaders. This negative self talk can be devastating to your
self confidence as a leader. If you don't believe you can be an
effective leader, then you will not apply the same level of
effort. You won't persevere in the face of difficulties in
current leadership positions, nor will you volunteer for new
leadership opportunities. Instead, we should look at our
shortcomings as another challenge to conquer.
Now is the time to believe that you can and will do a
good job. Practice reminding yourself what you can do as
opposed to what you cannot. If you don't believe it, no one
will. Others may even believe that you do a great job leading
your team, but if they see you question yourself, they may
begin to question your leadership ability as well. Why
should they believe in you, if you don't believe in yourself?
The answer is they shouldnt. Learn to recognize your own
potential. Then you will have the ability to influence others
around you.
Many times when we think of leaders, we think of
those at the very top of the organization. Recognize that
leaders are required at every level of the organization to
make it run effectively. As a matter of fact, there is a body of
organizational behavior research that suggests the
importance of middle managers as leaders of change within
organizations. So if you are not at the top of the
organization, be it for political reasons or work life balance
reasons, do not assume that you do not make a leadership
contribution. You can make a difference within your

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organization just as you make a difference in your home. If

you have an opportunity to touch people directly, you can
make a significant difference.
The best use of self talk is to encourage yourself. So
often other people, even if they think you are doing a good
job, will not encourage you for various reasons. Those
reasons dont matter. What is important is that you have the
power to encourage yourself. Tell yourself, I am doing a
great job. I am making improvements that are making me
better. I have the potential to become a great leader.
I strongly believe that there is significant benefit to
the difficult experiences of motherhood and that we need to
put those experiences to use in as many ways as possible. It
is sad to think of the women who regularly perform
leadership responsibilities in their homes, yet these same
women sit on the sideline in the workplace and question
their leadership ability. Recognize your skills and know that
you are not just a leader in your home. You are a
leaderperiod. Believe it, own it, and develop it. Mommy
Leadership does not suggest that motherhood is a substitute
for professional leadership training or experience, only an
important complement to it. With so little time to do so
much, we must use every experience or role to enrich
ourselves as leaders. Diversity of experience makes for a
well-rounded influencer. Embrace every role you play in life.
Each of them is valuable in some way and make up the total
person and leader you are. Based on your specific skills and
experiences, you have a unique contribution to make to your
organization that no one else can make. The composition of

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your interests, passions, and skills is the foundation of how

you influence.
By now, you probably have a better idea of how you
influence others. What is your approach? What skills and
behaviors do you use? The previous chapters were written to
help you explore your motherhood experience to discover
more about yourself as a leader. Take the next step and
think about where you have the opportunity to influence where you can make a difference. Is it in corporate America,
entrepreneurship, the non-profit sector, or your local
church? Wherever you lead or have the opportunity to lead,
use everything you can to improve. Effective leaders are
needed everywhere, and with all the different careers in
which to function, there are mothers poised to help improve
their organizations like they do their homes.
Celebrate your motherhood experience and learn
from it. Let it activate you as the leader you are, and more
so, the leader you can and will become. Remember that your
children are not the only fruits of motherhood. Motherhood
changes you forever. Let it help you improve as a leader.
Enjoy the process!

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The Mommy Leadership Method

1. Skill Identification (Recognize It)
Identify leadership skills you use as a mother.
2. Skill Adaptation (Transfer It)
Transfer those skills to your professional
leadership roles.
3. Skill Execution (Do It)
Apply those skills in the workplace.
4. Skill Repetition (Make It Stick)
Use those skills as often as possible in
professional leadership.
www.mommyleadership.com

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Increasing Effectiveness Through Situational
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Burns, James M.. Leadership. New York: Harper Perennial,
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Cobe, Patricia, and Ellen H. Parlapiano. Mompreneurs: A
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Goleman, Daniel. Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary
Edition; Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. New
York: Bantam, 2006.
Greenleaf, Robert K.. On Becoming a Servant-Leader. San
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Maxwell, John C.. Attitude 101. Nashville, TN: Thomas
Nelson, Inc., 2003.
Piper, Watty. The Little Engine That Could. New York:
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Rath, Tom. Strengths Finder 2.0: A New and Upgraded

Edition of the Online Test from Gallup's Now,
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