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by alistair king
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Do lawyers letters have absolutely perfect English? Not quite, as our columnist points
out some practices which are redundant or even ungrammatical.
SOME readers have been interested enough in this Right For Business column to share with
me some documents which they have received, or were about to submit prior to reading one
of my articles.
What I plan to do in this article is to include some of these documents as examples of what I
have written about previously. For this, I have obtained the owners approval, though
identities will be disguised or expunged.
Here is a letter from a lawyer to a client:
Dear _______
Subj.: SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT in respect of the Subjects at [ADDRESS]
The above matter refers. The teleconv between your Goodself and our Ms _______ also
refers.
Pertaining to the above and pursuant on the above-mentioned teleconv, please kindly be
advised that the SALE AND PURCHASE AGREEMENT regarding the premise at
[ADDRESS] is now ready for signing. You may sign the said document at our office and our
office hours are between 9.00 a.m. to 5.30 p.m.
Your prompt attention is highly appreciated as this will expedite these matters.
Thank You
Yours faithfully
FOR AND ON BEHALF OF _________
When writing the Subject heading, there is no need to write Subject or the awkward
abbreviation Subj.. Since the subject heading is at the top of the letter, underlined and
perhaps bolded, it is absolutely apparent what the subject is!
Similarly useless are Re and Ref. Some years ago, I was writing an academic paper for a
certain university. I was told that I had to place the word TAJUK in front of the title.
I argued that it was unnecessary as the reader would recognise immediately what my title
was, since it was italicised and underlined. However, I submitted to University policy!
I have mentioned previously how ungrammatical and useless a phrase like The above matter
refers is.
I have suggested that it is a mistranslation of the Malay passive-voice sentence Perkara di
atas adalah dirujuk. The Malay sentence serves completely no purpose; of course the matter
above is referred to, otherwise, why would it be written there?
The English version, with refers at the end should NEVER be written as it is
ungrammatical. Even the grammatically correct version The above matter is referred to.
should be avoided.
In my 2012 article on topic sentences (MOE, Your favourable response? July 31, 2012), I
wrote that the first sentence should introduce, identify or summarise the topic.
The following sentence does none of that.
Pertaining to the above and pursuant on the above-mentioned ... This is both verbose and
redundant.
Please do not use teleconv or even
teleconversation, which being an illegitimate
hybrid of Greek and Latin, has very low etymological integrity.
As I have previously noted in this column goodself is absurdly archaic and unnecessarily
deferential. (MOE, Your esteemed goodself, Aug 7, 2012). Please do not kow tow!
In my article entitled Kindly be advised (MOE, Aug 14, 2012), I mentioned the
inappropriateness of using the Passive Voice in correspondence and the obsequiousness of a
phrase like please kindly be advised ...
One way to refer to a building is by using the plural form the premises. If you are in or very
near the building, you are on the premises. When the word was adopted into Malay, it lost
the s; this has caused confusion to Malaysian writers. This letter refers to the property as
the premise; this is wrong.
Note the inappropriate use of prepositions in our office hours are between 9.00 a.m. to 5.30
p.m. There are two possibilities for describing the office hours:
between 9.00am and 5.30pm
or from 9.00am to 5.30pm
The following mistake in the lawyers letter is extremely common among Malaysian writers:
Your prompt attention is highly appreciated as this will expedite these matters.
This last sentence is redundant as it the outcome of prompt attention is perfectly clear! Since
the writer is making a request, the sentence should read: Your prompt attention would
be highly appreciated
I have already recommended that letters should not end with Thank you (MOE, Jan 22,
2013). Note that this convention is practised only in Malaysia.
Finally, the archaic phrase FOR AND ON BEHALF OF _________ is both pompous and
redundant. If the company letterhead is on the paper, it is clear that the writer is
corresponding for and on behalf of his/her company.
Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He looks forward to receiving
feedback to:alistair@aksb.com.my or www.aksb.com.my.
Another Subjunctive form with which some readers may be familiar is using be and other
verbs minus the s in 3rd person, as in:
Request of him that he be ready to leave at noon.
Ensure that this door be kept locked at all times.
I must insist that she come on time.
The auditors have asked that the general manager attend the meeting.
If I were you, I would ensure accurate usage of Conditional forms at all times!
n Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. Send feedback to
alistair@aksb.com.my / www.aksb.com.my
This is because to is connected to the previous words. Look forward to is a unit called a
phrasal verb.
This is created when words (normally prepositions) are added to a verb in order to produce a
different meaning. For example, consider this:
There is a mysterious crater in the middle of the High Street. The police are currently looking
into it.
The non-phrasal (and rather delightful) meaning of this is that several policemen are standing
around the large hole peering into it, while the phrasal meaning is that there is a police
investigation in process. Other phrasal verbs using look, which can also be understood nonphrasally, are: look down on (despise); look up to (respect); look out (exercise caution).
The phrasal verb look forward to is followed by a noun and very often that noun is a gerund.
The gerund is the ing form of the word as in:
Smoking is bad for you and so is overeating.
Taking exercise is good for you, though running can cause joint pain. Both talking and eating
are not allowed during the examination.
Please note that it is grammatically wrong to write, We look forward to hear from you, etc.
The following forms are absolutely correct:
We look forward to ...
a) meeting you.
b) receiving your reply.
c) having the opportunity to serve you.
d) knowing your requirements.
e) explaining further our expectations.
One comment about the ending We look forward to hearing from you.
While it is grammatically correct, it is of low communicative value. It doesnt take the
scenario on to the next step with any focus.
How, when and where will you hear from the other person?
In a previous article of Right For Business, we looked at endings to letters.
Always end by pointing the way ahead as clearly and as specifically as possible.
For example: We look forward to receiving your amended proposal with itemized quotation
by the end of this week.
Just one last thing: please dont write Thank you at the end of a letter!
Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He looks forward to receiving
feedback to: alistair@aksb.com.my / aksb.com.my
Similarly dont write: We assure you that this will never happen again. If it does happen
again, you are in double trouble!
Assure only what you are capable of delivering. Before assuring anything, ensure that you
have both the Capacity (physical and legal) and the Commitment (from all parties in the
organisation) to deliver.
Some of the points in this article, including the 5 As, have been taken from my book
Effective Business Letter-Writing, published by Oxford University Press (OUP) in Malaysia.
I hope that you will receive many complaints to adjust and that you will seize the
opportunities to bring your relationships with your customers onto higher levels.
* Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He would value feedback to:
alistair@aksb.com.my or aksb.com.my.
Notice the backshifting of the verbs to bring them in line with the introductory verb said. The
reported version, though true to what took place in the meeting, would be a shock to the
reader.
So, if the secretary does not record and does not report, what does the secretary do? What the
secretary does, I suggest, is interpret.
The secretary has to evaluate the utterances during the meeting and interpret them in a
manner which brings the right focus and priorities to the points presented.
In the above case, the secretary asked me after the meeting, How am I going to minute what
he said?
Incidentally, the sales manager didnt say rubbish; he said a shorter word which I would
never write and which The Star would never publish!
The advice that I gave the secretary, who was a young chap just out of university, was not to
write what he said, but to write what he did.
The secretary replied, He banged the table; thats what he did. I cant write that!
I explained that, whenever we speak there is something we do. I asked him what the sales
manager did: criticise, oppose or disagree. Being diplomatic, he chose disagree.
But, I asked, How would you interpret two bangs on the table?
He thought for a moment and proudly said, The sales manager strongly disagreed with the
proposal.
The two bangs were interpreted as strongly. He was so happy with this that I didnt feel I
should tell him to use the Passive Voice!
Incidentally, someone must have liked the sales managers direct approach; he is now CEO
of a multinational, based in Hong Kong!
On Aug 21, in this Right For Business column regarding Active Voice vs Passive Voice, we
considered the difference between: The assistant manager opposed the proposal and The
proposal was opposed by the assistant manager.
What do we want to place into focus, the speaker or what he/she contributes? The agenda
item indicates issues to be considered rather than the people who attend the meeting.
Thus, please use the second, Passive Voice, version of each of the following pairs:
1) The senior accounts executive provided a summary of the previous months expenditure.
(x)
A summary of the previous months expenditure was provided by the senior accounts
executive. (Correct)
2) The production manager stressed the need for revised maintenance procedures. (x)
The need for revised maintenance procedures was stressed by the production manager.
(Correct)
Finally, if you really need to write about the table-banging, please do use the Passive version:
The table was banged twice. and, in this case, DONT say by whom!
Dr Alistair King is an applied linguist and corporate training consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He would value feedback to:
alistair@aksb.com.my or aksb.com.my
Active vs passive
by alistair king
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We are often less important than what we say! But it all depends on whether we are writing a
letter or the minutes of a meeting.
THIS weeks Mind Our English column on business writing examines the use of Passive
Voice vs Active Voice.
> Your kind co-operation is highly valued.
> Your letter has been received and the contents noted.
> Please be informed of our change of address.
> Your prompt attention is requested.
All of these are commonly used in correspondence, but please dont use them; they are all in
the Passive Voice. Despite what your Grammar Check indicates, the Passive Voice IS a
useful device. However, in letters or e-mails, it should be avoided. Why?
First of all, note where the Passive Voice comes from. In an Active Voice sentence with a
transitive verb, there needs to be an object, eg: The factory (SUBJECT) manufactures
(VERB) semiconductors (OBJECT).
We now have to decide which is more significant to our document: the subject or the object.
If semiconductors is more related to the topic of the document, then the Passive Voice should
be used, thus: Semiconductors are manufactured (by the factory).
Instead of The mechanics serviced the vehicles, we would write: The vehicles were serviced
(by the mechanics).
> VSS was suggested by the production Manager, as a solution to the overstaffing problem.
> All members passed the minutes of the previous meeting.
> The minutes of the previous meeting were (unanimously) passed.
In meetings, we are often less important than what we say! In reports about action taken, the
Passive Voice, similarly, is preferred. Auditors are fond of using the following:
The auditors noted five instances of non-compliance.
> The auditors identified several discrepancies.
In audit reports, the role of the auditors is understood, therefore, to mention them at all
amounts to tautology. Furthermore, subsequent action will not be taken on the auditors, but
on the issues which they highlight. Thus, the Passive Voice is preferred:
Five instances of non-compliance were noted.
> Several discrepancies were identified.
Often, it is undiplomatic or embarrassing to use the Active Voice as in:
You have removed the files from my desk.
> The manager submitted inaccurate figures.
Please use the Passive Voice instead:
The file has been removed from my desk.
> Inaccurate figures were submitted.
And finally, please dont write: The CEO has broken the photocopier. Think of your career,
be diplomatic and write: The photocopier has been broken.
> Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He would value feedback to:
alistair@aksb.com.my or http://www.aksb.com.my
Kindly be advised
by alistair king
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This weeks Mind Our English column on business writing considers the situation when you
need to write a circular notifying the other party/parties of something. Would you write this?
Kindly be advised that we are moving our sales department to new premises, as noted below:
Please be informed of our updated operating instructions, as follows:
Please dont! As we have noted before, the Passive Voice does not work well in
correspondence. To tell some one to be informed or to be advised (kindly or otherwise) is
strange because this places the reader in a situation in which he/she does nothing but await
the informing or advising. This is a convoluted way of telling the reader to note something!
Yet, I am constantly receiving e-mails requesting of me that I be informed or advised.
On office notice-boards, employees are likewise instructed to be informed or advised, as in:
Kindly be advised that there will be a fire drill at 11am on Wednesday. Why not reduce both
the verbosity and the indirectness by writing: There will be a fire drill at 11am on
Wednesday.
Oh, but you might say we want to sound polite, hence the kindly. Is kindly really polite?
Isnt it one of those supercilious words like hereby, which are difficult to say without the
nose pointing high in the air? Are we really expressing kindness when we write kindly?
Definitely, courtesy is important, so use please and also be direct:
Please note that we are moving ...
Please note our updated ...
Please note that there will be a fire drill ...
To tell the reader to Please note ... is much more communicative than telling the reader to
Kindly be advised ...
Now, what about ... as noted below? It is extremely common. However, it is completely
unnecessary, as is ... as follows.
Remember that, when reading a page in the English language, the reader starts at the top of
the page and gradually moves down the page; the reader notes what is below without having
to be directed there.
I received a document recently containing this line: Our findings are hereunder tabulated as
follows:
This is grim! The archaic word hereunder and the phrase as follows mean the same.
Furthermore, both of them can be omitted and the reader will still know where to look.
I could quite clearly see that the findings were in tabular form, so the result was multiple
redundancy! The colon is a useful punctuation device as it tells the reader to look down (just
in case he/she is tempted to look elsewhere!) The writer could have saved a lot of ink by
writing Findings:!
The first two examples can be improved in this way:
Please note our new sales department address:
Please note our updated operating instructions:
Be clear! Be concise! Be communicative!
Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He would value feedback to:
alistair@aksb.com.my / http://www.aksb.com.my
So, how should a closing sentence be formed? Ask first, What do I want from this?.
What is the next step in the scenario? In the case of the job application, the next step is the
interview and, in the case of a large tender, it is the tender clarification meeting.
So end your letter by pointing the way ahead! Here are some examples which specifically
suggest the next step, guiding the reader forward:
Once you have had the opportunity to consider my application, I look forward to an
interview, at which I can explain further my suitability for this post. I would value the
opportunity to attend an interview to discuss how my qualifications and experience meet the
requirements of this post.
- I am certain that my ten years of experience in this field will benefit your organisation and,
with this in mind, I am available to attend an interview at your convenience.
- After you have considered this proposal, we look forward to a meeting with you in order to
finalise any outstanding issues.
- We are sure that this proposal, in general, meets your requirements and we would value the
opportunity to meet you to clarify any specific details.
When composing the final sentence, always try to define the parameters of the expected next
step.
Thus, a sentence like the following is of low value:
Looking forward to your response in due course.
The phrase in due course is vague and potentially risky. Just as the introductory topic
sentence leads the reader into the document, so does the closing sentence lead the reader out
of the document.
The questions Where?, When? and How? can all be answered in the closing sentence
as in:
Please send your confirmation, in writing, to reach the above address no later than the 25th
of this month.
Another common way to form a closing sentence is We look forward to receiving ; We
look forward to meeting
People often tell me that they have been informed by their bosses or teachers that they may
not write to receiving or to meeting. This is an area of grammar that we shall consider, in
this column, in due course!
Dr Alistair King is an Applied Linguist and Corporate Training Consultant with clients
throughout the region, the Middle East and Southern Africa. He would value feedback to:
alistair@aksb.com.my or aksb.com.my
Then how should we refer to a document that we are enclosing or attaching? Consider these.
We are enclosing a copy of the catalogue which you requested. If you would like to appear
more joyful, try: We are pleased to enclose a copy of the catalogue which you requested.
We are enclosing a copy of the ______ Report, as you requested.
Notice that these are all written in the Active Voice. It is normally preferable to use the
Active Voice in correspondence and the Passive Voice in certain other types of documents.
If you dont want to appear friendly, you may want to consider: Enclosed is a copy of
the_____ Report, as requested. This is all in the Passive Voice and creates distance between
the Writer and the Reader, but should generally not be used.
Dr Alistair King has over 25 years experience in education and training for multinational
corporations and government departments in several European, African and Asian countries.
He can be contacted at alistair@aksb.com.my
the cumbersome at your earliest possible convenience as it sounds tentative and does not
convey the urgency of the situation.
Speaking of being tentative, we use the conditional words would, could, should, might when
we do not want to sound direct. When seeking a raise in salary, you may well say to your
boss. I wonder if I could ask you whether you might consider ...? It could well happen that
you might not get to the point as quickly as you should! This is an example of
circumlocution, mentioned in this column on June 26.
Directness and politeness are not opposites. In order to improve the appreciate sentence,
remove one of the conditionals. The first (would) cannot be removed, but the second
(could) can be removed. First, the if has to go and this means that a second verb
construction can be avoided and replaced with a noun phrase. The result is: We would
appreciate your prompt attention to this matter. This is courteous and considerate, yet direct.
Other examples are: We would appreciate your immediate action; We would appreciate
your full settlement of this sum.
> Dr Alistair King has over 25 years experience in education and training for multinational
corporations and government departments in several European, African and Asian countries.
Malaysian mistakes
by right for businessby alistair king
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HAVE you ever said to yourself when about to write a letter to a client: I know what I want
to say, but I dont know how to start.? So, you write:
We refer to the above.
With reference to the above, ...
Referring to the above matter,
With regard to the above,
Or, when you want to sound very corporate :
Pertaining to the above-captioned matter, Or, when you want to use Malaysian Business
Language:
The above matter refers.
I suggest that all of these amount to little more than a waste of ink. The last one is
ungrammatical.
The first step in effective professional writing is to identify the topic. We do this in two ways:
(1) by composing a title containing several key-words, which will subsequently be reused
throughout the document in order to keep the reader focused on the main issue. (2) by
composing a topic sentence, which extends, expands or develops the title and serves as an
introduction to or summary of the document.
Business writers share with journalist the need to establish the topic.
Take this recent example:
Asian stocks tumble amid global rout
Asian shares tumbled on Monday, pushing the broader Tokyo market to a 28-year low, as
investors extended a rout of global stocks and worried about a nightmare scenario of eurozone breakup, US economic relapse and a sharp slowdown in China.
[The Star, June 4, 2012]
Notice how the key-words are used to show the reader what is to be expected in the
document, to define the scope of the document.
Depending on how complex the issuea are, the topic sentence can be a lengthy one. We can
apply this to our business documents.
Introduction of ISO Guidelines: Impact
This report describes the Introduction of ISO 9001 Guidelines in November 2011 and
assesses the impact of production capacity with regard to efficiency.
Notice the importance of the two verbs (describes and assesses) as they show the functions of
the document.
Dont write this:
Feedback on Service
We refer to your letter dated 22nd March 2012.
Keep the title, but use a Topic Sentence such as: Thank you for your letter of 22nd March
2012, in which you provide useful feedback on our after-sales service during the first three
months of this year.
When dealing with complaints, it is essential that you demonstrate to the client at the
beginning of the letter that you understand the clients issue; you should do this in the topic
sentence.
Then you have the trust of the client that you will be able to remedy the situation.
Now, what about the common Malaysian first sentence The above matter refers.?
Please note that this is ungrammatical. The verb to refer, being transitive, requires an
object. But there is none.
I suspect that this is a mistranslation of the Malay Perkara di atas adalah dirujuk. Note that
dirujuk is the passive voice form and should be translated is referred to. However, to write
The above matter is referred to is definitely a waste of ink.
Effective Topic Sentences do not use the phrase the above matter or the above subject,
nor do they use the words refer, reference, regarding, pertaining to!
Dr Alistair King has over 25 years experience in education and training for multinational
corporations and government departments in several European, African and Asian countries.
He holds four university degrees, including a M.Sc. in Applied Linguistics and Ph.D. in
Human Resource Management.
In their book Discourse analysis (1983), Brown and Yule noted two fundamental aspects of
communication: Transactional and Interactional. The first denotes communication which is
clear and understandable, while the second refers to the atmosphere which is generated by the
communication, the furtherance of human relationships.
If I said to my guest Sit down!, the transactional aspect would be in place, but the
relationship would not be enhanced. On the other hand, if I said, Kindly assume a seated
position!, who knows what the response would be.
When informing a supplier that his tender is not accepted, do you use the work reject,
refuse, turn down or decline? Each has the same basic meaning, but the Interactional
aspect is different in each case. Similarly, do you complain or highlight, demand or
request. Often, we calibrate negative or aggressive language by choosing a word with the
same basic meaning, but which generates a different relationship.
If both aspects, Transactional and Interactional, are in place, then we have Effective
Communication.
However, when Business Writing is burdened with the three sins of Verbosity, Tautology and
Circumlocution, headache-inducing communication is the more likely result.
Watch what happens when the unwholesome trinity come together:
While being not entirely unaware of the potential for serious negative repercussions, we are
decidedly of the opinion that the abandoning of the project would ultimately be more
detrimental to the future economic viability of the organisation than a continuation.
Perhaps this verbose, tautologous and circumlocutious sentence, with 15 words of three or
more syllables, would be considered corporate writing style, but I do believe this version is
much more effective:
While we know that there are risks involved, we feel that, for the future of the company, it
would be better to proceed with the project.
[Effective Business Letter Writing (2002) OUP King, A]
In the forthcoming weekly series, I intend to look critically at many examples of Business
Writing phrases and offer better alternatives for our readers.
> Dr Alistair King has over 25 years experience in education and training for multinational
corporations and government departments in several European, African and Asian countries.
He holds four university degrees, including a M.Sc. in Applied Linguistics and Ph.D. in
Human Resource Management.