Back To School

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two
days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never
called you once when he misbehaved."

Stop Sign
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the
man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop
signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with
my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

Dead Bird
Atif and Goher were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Goher says, "Aww, Atif,
look at the dead bird."

Atif looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

Who Is Stupid?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Innocent Girl
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in
school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your
teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the
businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal
working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Wake Up!
A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping
way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor,
"Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

Easy Eggs
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in
line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of
harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for
you."
With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back
to me.

Talking Too Much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were
good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl,
but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to
try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know
if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Millionaire
A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a
millionaire."

"Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire."

Online Banking
TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online
banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our
service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack.
Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the
computer?

Pathan Gets Money

Pathan : Ya Allah tu mujhay 100 rupay dega toh main 50 teri rah mein donga,
Rastay main pathan ko zameen se 50 rupay milay toh woh bola "Ya Allah itna bhi
bharoosa nahi ke pehlay he kaat liye"

1 KG Dhoodh
Sardar milk shop per jaker 1 kilo bhains ka dhoodh de do,
Shopkeeper : Tumhara bartan chota hai.
Sardar : Acha phir aisa karo, bakri ka he de do.

Main Bara Hoke Pilot Banonga

Ali : Mama main bara hoke Pilot banonga
Mamma : Beta mujhay kaise pata chalega ke ye mere betay ka jahaz hai?
Ali : Guzarte waqt apnay gher per Gola phaink dia karonga.

Mother Tongue
A sardar was helping his son in filling his admission form, Son asked to Sardar
"Baapu mother tongue walay box main kya likhna hai?"
Sardar : Likh de puttar "Very Long"

Shaadi Ka Khat
Pathan : Maine khat likha tha ke meri Shaadi per Aana, tum kyun nahi aye?
2nd Pathan : Mujhay khat mila he nahi.
1st Pathan : Maine likha tha, khat milay ya na milay tum zaroor aana.

Shaadi eMail Se Bhi Hoti Hai

Ek American ne Sardar se kaha "Hamaray yahan Shaadi email se bhi hoti hai" is
per Sardar bola "Kamaal hai hamaray yahan toh sirf female se hoti hai"
Meri Toh Behan Hai
Sardar going with his Sister, Someone shouts "Girlfriend leker kahan chalay"
Sardar gets furious & slap him & says "Oye Girlfriend hogi teri...meri toh behan
hai.

Jawani Aur Burhapa

Teacher : Jawani aur Burhapay main farak batao?
Student : Jawani mein mobile main larkiyo ke numbers hotay hain aur Burhapay
main hakeemo ke.

Bijli Chali Gaye

Dil jisko dia woh delhi chali gaye,
Pyaar jisko kia woh italy chali gaye,
Phir dil ne socha, khudh khushi kar k dekhai,
Hath Switch mein dia toh Bijli chali gaye.

Pathan Proposing
Pathan proposing a girl...hi darling kya mujse shadi kro ge.
girl...tameez say baat kro

pathan. Aslam.o.Alaikum baji kya mujse shadi kro ge.

Last chance
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom
is made to sit on the horse?

He is given his last chance to run away.

Perfect birthday gift!

A husband and wife were shopping at a mall.

After some shopping the wife said, “Darling, its

my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy
for her? She would like something electric.”

The husband replied, “How about a chair??”

Does you dog bites?
A man was sitting near a dog. Another man
appeared there and asked the first man Does your
dog bites?

Man: No

The second man sits and the dog bites him!

Second man angrily: “You said it does not

bites!”

Man: “This is not my dog.”

It really works
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw
in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish too. But she

leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned.

The husband was stunned for a while but then

smiled thinking It really works!

Do aankhe battis daante

Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, Chawal se
patthar nahi nikal sakti kya?

Bahu: Khuda ne tumhe battis daant diye hai do

char 2-4 patthar nahi chabba sakti kya!!!

Paying the fine money

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of
petty crimes.
The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined
$100.”

The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, my lord,

however my client only has $75 on him at this
time, But if you’d allow him a few minutes in
the crowd he will gather all the required fine.”

Be saved from infection!

Banta: Yeh chaaku kyun ubaal rahe ho?

Santa: Suicide karne ke liye

Banta: Toh phir ubalne kyu, kya zaroorat hai?

Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye!

Customer and tech support

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my
diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good, I’ll make

a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted

it yet, It’s still on my desk. Sorry….

Gabbar ka khauf…
Maa apne bete se kehti: Beta so ja warna gabbar
aa jayega.

Beta apni maa se kehta: Maa mujhe Chocolate do

varna papa se keh dunga ke mere sone ke bad roz
gabbar aata hai.

Idiot question and answer

Q: On which side does a chicken have the most
feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How do you know when there is an elephant

under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What’s a flea’s favorite way to travel?

A: Itch-hiking.

Q: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?

A: Because Frost bites.

Ek gharwali aur.....
Pandit : Tumhare jeevan mein 6 ladkiya aayengi.

Thambu : Wow, kya baat hai.

Pandit: Zyada khush honey ki baat nahi hai. Ek

gharwali aur 5 betiya hai..

Railway Accident!
Once a young mas was asked in an interview “Did
you ever meet any Railway accident?

The man replied: “Yes, once the train was going

through a long tunnel I have kissed the father
instead of his daughter.”

Learning tenses
Once the teacher was teaching tenses.

Boy : Miss, what will be the present tense of

samsung?

Teacher: I don’t know.

Boy: That’s very simple… If Samsung is past then

Samsing will be the present

Archeologist husband is best

Two girls are talking about their future
husband. One is telling that she will marry An
archeologist. Second girl asked why?

She told, “An archeologist is the best husband

any woman can have.The older she gets the more
interested he is in her.”

Poor neighbour
Son to his mother “The people next door must be
poor.”

Mother said, “Why do you say that?”

The son replied, “Because they made such a fuss

when the baby swallowed a ten paise coin.”

Medical College
Two friends are walking through a garden.

Suddenly one climbed up a top of the coconut

tree and told to another friend “Now I can see
Girls Medical college hostel”.

Then the another friend replied that if you

untie your hands you will see medical college
also.

Faithful dog!
Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?

Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also.

He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.

$200 for three questions!

A new client meets a famous lawyer.

Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?

Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Jin!
Jinn: Kya Hukam hai merai Aaqa
Aaqa : Mulk ka sara maal meray account mey daal do
Jinn: Aaqa Hukam karin Bakwaaas na karain Mey Jinn hu Zardari nah

English!
Laloo parsad yadav, 1 month America mein Bush se english ki training le ker
wapis aaya.
1 din phone aya
Laloo jee says: Who is speaking?
Jawab aya: Hum sasura bushwa bol raha hoon.

Memon and Jin!

Aik memon ko jinn charh gaya ..
3 days baad jinn khud aik aalim k paas gaya aur bola "Aalim sahab! Mujhay bahar
nikalo .. main tou bhooka hee mar jaon ga"

Subject!
Man : my wife is too good.
She can talk on any subject for hours.
Friend : Ahh!!! My wife is better,
She does not even need a subject to talk about.

Easyload!
A man saw a snake on the bed of his mother-in-law (Saas).
He asked snake:Please Meri Saas ko Das lo.
Snake replied: Abey kia loon? Main issi se tau apna zeher "Easyload" karwata
hoon!

Sala Sa Law!?
Judge: U r crossing the limits.
Lawyer: Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai?
Judge: How dare you call me saala?
Lawyer: My Lod, I said kaun 'Sa Law' kehta hai?

Kal Kal ke chakkar!

Bhikhari: Saab 1 rupiya de do.
Saheb: Kal aana.

Bhikhari: Saala is kal-kal ke chakkar mein is colony mein mere laakhoon rupaye
phase huye hain.

Peace on earth!
What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven?

A host of Angels.

And all woman in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH!

Car Indicator!
Sardar driving a jeep in jungle,

Tourist: how do you escape if lion comes now..?

Sardar: give the right indicator and turn left.

Light Bulb!
Two factory workers are talking.Woman: I can make the boss give me the day
off.

Man: And how would you do that?

Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: What are you doing?

Woman: I’m a light bulb.

Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to
take the day off.The man starts to follow her and the boss says: Where are you
going?

The man says: I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the
middle of a huge field of grass.He pulls the car over to the side of the road and
notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, “Ah
excuse me sir, but what are you doing ?” Santa replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel
Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are outstanding in their
field.
What about you?
Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?

Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!

What about you?

Monkey was handling the steering!

Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who was
traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the
monkey.

Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Tying their belts”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”

Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!”

plane-crash.jpg

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”

Monkey: “Checking the system”

Officer: “What were you doing?”

Monkey: “Looking for my people”

Officer: “After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?”

Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”

Monkey: “Serving the travelers”

Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?”

Monkey: “Handling the steering”
Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Eating & throwing”

Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?”

Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses ?”

Monkey: “Make up”

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”

Monkey: “Handling the steering”

Officer: “What were you doing?”

Monkey: “Nothing”

Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “All were sleeping”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”

Monkey: “Kissing the pilots”

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”

Monkey: “Responding”

Officer: “What were you doing?”

Monkey: “Handling the steering !!!”

Santa hanged to death by banta

Santa and banta singh were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking
past a swimming pool, santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the
bottom and stayed there.

Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled santa
out.

When the medical director became aware of banta’s heroic act, he immediately
ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be
mentally stable.
When he went to tell banta the news he said, “Banta, I have good news and bad
news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to
jump in and
Save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad
news is santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the
bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”

Then banta replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

Little Preeto
Little Preeto came running into the house after school one day, shouting, “Daddy!
Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!”

“That’s great, sweetheart,” said her daddy. “Come in to the living room and tell
me about it.”

“Well,” said Preeto, “I got 50 in spelling, 30 in Maths and 20 in Science.”

See the balancing

Ek baar ek kavi sammelan chal raha tha. Bhaut se kavi bore kar rahe they. Ek
sardar se jab nahi raha gaya toh woh khud stage par aaya aur bola ab suniye.

Ek kutta… Loge bole wah wah

Sardar phir bola Ek kutta, kutte ke uper kutta

Log phir bole wah wah wah

Sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kuttey,
Unkey oper 3 kutte, Ab log silent ho gaye thodi der baad ek aur sardar bole wah
wah

Manch wala sardar phir bola kutta, kutte ke oper 2 kute, unke oper 3 kutte, unkey
oper 4 kutte

Audience sardar pareshan hokar bola, bhai ye kaun sa sher hua? Manch wala
sarda bola, abe tu sher mat sun tu balancing ko dekh….
Naik Kaam!
Beta Maa se: Maa, aaj maine bahut naik kam kiya.

Maa: Kya kiya Beta?

Beta: Maine aaj ek andhi aurat ko road paar karaya.

Maa: Waah! Magar tumhe koi dikkat toh nahi hui.

Beta: Bahut dikkat hui maa. Woh aurat road hi nahi paar karna chah rahi thi!

No Disc
Sunny: Kal movie dekhi, usme na koi scene tha, na koi aawaz.

Bunny: Naam kya tha film ka.

Sunny: NO DISC

Machar ko mar dal!

Malik alsi nokar se:- Yahan par itne sare machcher gun-gun kar rahen hai tu unhe
maar gira.

Thodi der bad

Malik:- Abe sale nokar ke bachche maine tujhe machcher marne ko kaha abhi tak
tune mare nahi. Woh ab bhi gun-guna kar rahe hai

Alsi nokar:- Malik machcher toh maine maar diye. Yeh toh unki bibi hai jo
vidhva ho kar ro rahi hai.

I don't know...
Ek aurat apne beta ko doctor ke pass le jaati hai aur bolti hai mera beta bike se gir
gaya.

Doctor: I don’t know urdu. Tell me in english

Aurat: My londa gironda from hero honda.

If he went to Hell...?
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a
whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said,
“When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you
ask him!”

I am going
Santa: I am going ka matlab batao.

Banta: Main ja raha hoon.

Santa: Main nahi jane dunga, pehle matlab bata

Flash News
Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars
have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

Sardar's Wish
Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his
sleep not screamin like all the passengers in the
car he was driving..

Post it!
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet

Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
It's raining
Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It"s already raining. Sardar: So what? take an umbrella and go.

Murder & Jail

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.

Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

Race
Sardar- why r all these people running?

Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Sardar- If only the winner will get the cup, why r

others running?

Population
A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.

A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

George Bush & Sheeda

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his
telephone rang.
Hallo, Mr. Bush!, a heavily accented voice said. This is Sheeda from Chuk no -3,
District Gujrat, Pakistan. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!
Well, Sheeda, Bush replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your
army?

Right now, said Sheeda, after a moment's calculation, there is myself, my cousin
Basheera, my next door neighbor Karam Deen, and the entire kabaddi team from
the village. That makes eight

Bush paused. I must tell you, Sheeda that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command.

BLOODY Hell said Sheeda.l have to ring you back!

Sure enough, the next day, Sheeda called again.
Mr. Bush, it is Sheeda, I âm calling from Chuk no-3 Gujrat, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Sheeda? Bush asked.

Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amjad's tractor.

Bush sighed. I must tell you, Sheeda, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored
personnel carriers. Also, i have increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last
spoke.
Oh teri (oops) said Sheeda. I have to get back to you.
Sure enough Sheeda rang again the next day. Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We
have managed to get ourselves airborne Weâve modified Amjad's tractor by
adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pinda's generator.
Four boys from Sahiwal have joined us as well!
Bush was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Sheeda,
that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, i
have increased my army to TWO MILLION!

Tera pala hove .. said Sheeda, I have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Sheeda called again the next day. Mr. Bush! I am sorry to tell you
that we have had to call off the war.
Iâ m sorry to hear that, said Bush. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Sheeda, we have all had a long chat over a couple of days and decided
there is no way we can feed two million prisoners!!.
IT Company
A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us

The door
After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have
an... opening for you...! "

Applicant:

What is it?

Interviewer:

Its called the "door..!"

12 Cards
Girl:
Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes?

Shopkeeper:

Oh sure..!! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!"

Girl:

That's good, Give me 12 of them..!

Useful
Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot
answer"

No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!

Not our responsibility

Employee:

Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS:

Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

Biker
An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:

"If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"