BIGGEST

EVER!

2013 GUIDE TO
CANADIAN
UNIVERSITIES
PROFILES OF SCHOOLS

Top school
Addiction
The inside scoop on
internships
Updated rankings
and more...
DS
A
P
I
N
O
E
L
B )
A
L
I
A
V
Ry
R
A
O
T
S
NO
(NOT

ONLY THE INCUMBENT CAN SAVE

US FROM UTTER DESTRUCTION*

So far, Premier Christy Clark has kept our province safe from
swarms of locusts, DDOS attacks and nuclear annihilation.
*This should in no
way be construed as a
partisan ad supporting
todays B.C. Liberals,
not to say they arent
THE BEST or anything.

WELCOME /TAbLE OF CONTENTS

2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN

UNIVERSITIES

CONTENTS
4 From the publisher

I: WHAT yOU SHOULD KNOW

6 UbC is top of the class The University of British Columbia is the
top-ranked university in Canada find out why.
8 Taking the grad school plunge Want to avoid entering the real
world as long as possible? Consider pursuing a second degree.

11 Mascot showdown Which universitys mascot would win in a noholds-barred fight to the death? The answer might surprise you.

12 Cyber party sex binge Official grown-ups agree: the drugs kids do
today are much worse than the ones they did.
15 Interns make it work Jobs are hard to come by these days. Luckily,
there are plenty of employers willing to let you work for free.

II: THE RANKINGS

18 The results are in Sure, we wrote some other articles, but we all
know the real reason youre reading this.

21 Gratuitous nudity Charts and graphs are great, but nothing sells
magazines like naked co-eds.
MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 3

WELCOME

LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER

think we can all agree that universities are a pretty good thing, as societal institutions go. Sometimes, societal institutions do things were
not fond of they make poor decisions with our money or prevent
us from fully exploiting the natural bounty of this great country. But
not universities.
Universities provide great benefits to the Individual and Society. Of
course, universities can become hangouts for a variety of pinkos and
socialists, but on balance, we are doing a good job of rooting out these
kinds of undesirables. Now, the collective brainpower of the university
is being harnessed for the good of Industry and Economic Development.
If youre graduating from high school, you might be wondering how
best to apply your skills in service of the Great Canadian Project. If you
are of means, you are likely considering a University or a College. To
you we say, Bang On! But you must realize: it is very important that
you choose the right institution.
Through the right mix of scholarship and inquiry, it is possible to
determine what makes one university better than another. For example,
some universities offer rigorous academic programs, thus better preparing graduates for success in Business and Industry. Others provide
superior environments for the sort of good-natured japery that defines
college life. And we have discovered, through the use of advanced survey technology, that some current Undergraduates have no great love
for their Alma Mater. Get us out of here, they say!
To those unhappy scholars, we can naught but cluck our tongues.
If only they had read the periodical you now hold in your hands! It
contains statistical information on the quality of all the institutions in
Canada, as well as Information Features on the latest undergraduate
trends (we warn you, some of them are simply depraved!).
We hope this information will guide you in making this important
decision.
So we say to you now: to University! To Canada! And most importantly, to Betterment through Scholarship!
James Waterfield
4 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

publisher James Waterfield editor Rat Juice

MACLEARNS 2012 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES
editorial

promotions coordinator Richard Taints

copy editor Ferrari Testarossa
news & research Bill McRonald, Borin Codgers
arts Anne Astoria
sporting & lifestyle B.P.J.C.P.
in-depth features Aaron Rosebud
production & photo department

CREATIVE director Chet Dancingfancy

director of photography Kaiser Fakebson
contributing designer Ming-a-Ling
designers Indiana Jones, Kris Kringle, Molly Flan
ipad application development Nobody
administration

director of business operations Gurney Carrera

accounts management Ron Smang
advertising sales

Vancouver (604) 822-1654 advertising@maclearns.ca

National (888) 000-0000 TBD

Maclearns, established 2013, is published by Rodgers Publishing Ltd., a

division of Rodgers Media Inc.
Two Mount Pleasant, Toronto, Onterrible M5T 6S2

Contents Copyright 2013 by Rodgers Publishing Ltd., but can probably

be reprinted without permission.
Printed in the #westcoast Canada

Distributed by Some Dudes With a Rental Car Ltd.

To order additional copies of this guide or a subscription to Maclearns,

please stop here and recognize the satirical nature of this work. Please dont
sue us, OK?

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

Youve made it this far in high school, so
heres what weve decided you need to
know before you apply to university.

best university in canada /THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA /VANCOUVER, B.C.

UNIVERSITY OF
BRITISH COLUMBIA

#1

MAKING THINGS HAPPEN, FROM HERE?

Much has been made of UBCs rise to the top of the Maclearns rankings. In
a handful of years, UBC has gone from being a decently well-regarded school
with a laid-back, West Coast vibe to a higher education powerhouse.
6 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

best university in canada /THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA /VANCOUVER, B.C.

Stephen Toop has a spring in his step as he strides along

the halls of the University of Torontos main administration
building. A gaggle of aides struggle to keep pace as Toop
brusquely makes his way through a set of double doors into an
office. A secretary jumps to his feet and moves to detain the
procession, but theres a sudden glimmer of recognition in his
eyes. He stops dead in his tracks.
Oh, hello, Mr. Toop, he calls out. T-t-t-he president
is...
Ah yes, is Doug in? Toop asks, without missing a beat.
He walks up to a door marked Doug Nailer: President and
knocks.
A small, balding man pokes his head out the door.
Steve, he says.
Doug, how are you? says Toop. Hey, I was just in the area
and wanted to check if youd seen the preliminary Maclearns
rankings.
...
Sorry, not sure if youd heard me. I just wanted to get your
impression on the latest
Ive seen them, Steve. Nailer pauses a moment before
looking over Toops shoulder. Steve, did you seriously bring
the press? I never pulled this crap when UBC was ranked a
lousy fourth.
Things change, Doug. Or at least I think they have. Would
you just mind taking a look at this? He hands over a sheet of
paper. Read it out for me, if you would.
UBC.
Go on.
Ranked.
Ranked what, Doug?
First.
Oh my! For medical schools? In sustainability? What did
we rank first in, Doug?
In Canada.
Oh my! This is fantastic news! Toop grins.
Steve.
Yes?
You dont have to be a dick about it.
See you at the next AUCC meeting, Doug.

n many ways, UBCs current stature is a product of the times. But

its also a result of the leadership of UBC President Stephen J. Toop.
UBC has benefited immensely from increased funding under
B.C.s NDP government. Toops laundry list of funding requests was
accepted as a template for the NDPs post-secondary package.
We were just like, yeah, Steves a smart guy, maybe we should give
him a little extra something, said NDP Premier Andy Ricks. You
know, just to say thanks for waiting.
In order to further boost the universitys bottom line, Toop has
forged ahead on a number of new revenue-generating degrees, including the bachelor of sustainable interdisciplinarity and the master of
time and space.
Steve brought us into a special meeting, recalled one UBC
vice-president, and was all like, Have you ever thought about what a
degree really is? It only has value because we say it does. Hes got a real
knack for breaking it down like that.
The university is also working on a new strategic plan aimed at cementing its place at the top. While the plan itself has yet to be released,
sources say Toop has spent the past few weeks sequestered in his office. Early drafts include mid-level plans centred around remembering
where you came from, staying hungry and keeping friends close,
sister institutions closer.
But some are growing concerned about what they see as Toops
increasingly paranoid attempts to consolidate UBCs position in the
rankings.
Has it gone to his head? Maybe. Things are definitely getting a little
weird, said one staffer close to Toop. I mean, Steve used to quote
Sun Tzu on occasion, but now its getting downright excessive. All this
talk about crushing our enemies and winning the hearts and minds of
international students its a little off-putting.
Other staffers said they were uncomfortable with Toops insistence
on displaying the strategic plan on stone tablets. As of press time,
Toop remained sequestered in his office.

www.ubc.ca
STUDENT BODY
UNDERGRADUATES: Full-time: 32,879 Part-time: 14,254
GRADUATES: Full-time: 8,985 Part-time: 1,654
INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS: First-year: 17.4% Graduate: 32.1%
MALE-FEMALE RATIO: 44 to 56
HOUSING FACTS
RESIDENCE SPACES: 9,005 (3,000 saved for first-year students)
RESIDENCE COSTS: Double room with a shitty meal plan: $7,000 to $9,254
Single room with a shitty meal plan: $7,855 to $9,965
Apartment-style with a stove and such: $5,015 to $6,856
MINIMUM ENTERING GRADES
Arts: 84% Science: 91% Commerce: 82% Engineering: 86%
(Okanagan campus: 70% for Arts/Science; 75% for Commerce/Engineering)

MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 7

UNIVERSITY LIFE /EDUCATION

IS GRAD
SCHOOL RIGHT
FOR YOU?

How to stay in the uni bubble forever

by fat spews

o youve finally graduated. But now youre facing the prospect

of entering the real world something youve already delayed by
taking six years to finish your undergrad. Lets be honest: the real
world is scary, responsibility is hard and school provides a rigid structure thats lacking in life outside the academy.
But by taking a graduate degree, you can delay entry into adult life
by at least another three years. And if you choose a career in academia,
you can prolong leaving the safe, comforting womb of university life
indefinitely.
When I realized I would be graduating soon, I was paralyzed with
existential terror, said Shavonda Butler, a post-doctoral fellow in political science at the University of Alberta. The reliable schedule, the
clearly defined expectations, the constant direction from parental figures it was all about to end.
But her professor encouraged her to pursue a masters degree, and
even though Butler knows it will make her essentially unemployable,
she hasnt looked back. Ive been able to keep up the collegiate lifestyle
I fell in love with, Butler said.
Honestly, I dont even know if Id be able to function outside of
wait, sorry, I have to take this call. Its my mom.
Greg Clements decided to pursue a masters degree in molecular
biology at UBC, and hes loving every minute of it. Theres just something so fulfilling about paying thousands of dollars a year to do what
you love, he said.
And lets be realistic, undergrad degrees are a dime a dozen. A masters is the new bachelors.
I cant remember the last time I saw natural light.
Max Suits is a faculty member at Universit Laval, where he advises no less than 14 graduate students. I heartily encourage all of my
colleagues to take on as many post-grads as they can, he said. The
amount of research I publish would be impossible to do alone, and
these term papers arent going to grade themselves.
However, with the increased prevalence of unpaid internships, Suits
is worried about recruiting new grads into his fold.
Students are realizing that they dont have to pay tuition all year
round if they can find a company that will let them work for free, Suits
lamented. We can offer contacts and experience, of course, but we just
cant compete with offers to not pay them.
But as long as there are students like Butler who has spent almost
her entire life enrolled in a formal education program of some kind
graduate studies have a bright future in Canada.
My work is published in prestigious journals to be read by dozens
of other like-minded academics around the world, she said with pride.
My contributions can really impact the world in a meaningful way.
Ive effectively found a way to stay in college forever.
8 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

52+18+3126A

Naive enough to think

theyll get tenure someday (18%)

Actually dead; supervising prof is faking their

existence for more grant
funding (1%)

Showed up at mixer
for the cookies, never
left (3%)

Somehow dont have

their innate childhood
love of learning beaten
out of them yet (18%)

Utter lack
of life skills
(52%)

UNIVERSITY LIFE /PROFESSOR PROFILES

PROFESSOR
ON TWITTER

Lit professor from Western University creates Twitter

account after decade-long battle against social media
by mandrew face

fter years of holding a grudge against Twitter, a literature

professor at the Western University announced he had registered an account.
Richard Aldergrove, a senior professor who has held tenure
since 1992, said though he had spent years railing against Twitter,
creating an account would further Western Universitys commitment to teaching and learning.
I already have to teach a class of about a hundred first-years,
and although I dont know or care to learn any of their names,
hopefully this helps prevent them from clustering around me after
lecture like a pack of hounds, he said.
The Western University teaching and learning coordinator, Sandra MacDougall, agreed. We took the time to listen to our users
and have responded with a renewed commitment to the way students connect with their learning, she said. We commend Professor Aldergrove for answering their needs.
Aldergrove said that the connectivity of Twitter would allow
him to fit more virtual office hours into his schedule. Between
five classes, my research on the significance of the 38th chapter
of Thackerays Vanity Fair, and the time I have to spend com-

muting to London, Ontario from someplace actually liveable, I

dont know when they expect me to check my damned Twitter
account.
Students said they are happy that the account exists, and commended Aldergroves commitment to being open to his pupils. Ive
had Twitter for five, six years why did it take so long? asked
third-year literature major Marcus Macline.
Hes spent more time complaining about Twitter in lecture than
he ever has in office hours. And I dont know why character counts
bother him, anyway. Hes never answered any of my emails with
more than one word and a period. Yes. No. Withdraw. I stopped
trying to contact him years ago.
MacDougall confirmed Western Universitys commitment to
expanding online learning. In order to further our commitment
to improving the connection between students and their academic
pursuits, were always expanding our offerings. Dont tell anyone,
but were considering forming faculty groups on Facebook.
At press time, Aldergroves Twitter account had three followers
and followed no accounts. There was only one tweet posted, consisting of the word Bah.
MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 9

11 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

1. v ike s
1. v ike s

1. WARRIORS

OUA

6. thunderwolves
6. thunderwolves
11. VOYAGEURS
14. EXCALIBUR
3. mustangs
14. EXCALIBUR
14. EXCALIBUR
It takes a lot to beat this magic
10. gryphons
7. t-birds sword
An eagle
10. gryphons
10. gryphons
combined with
10. gryphons a lion. Enough
2. rams
said
15. lakers
15. lakers
A lake can drown a ram

1. WARRIORS
8. PALADINS
the
8. PALADINS Warriors:
stereotypical
9. BADGERS
group that
13. gee gees
knows how
5. MARAUDERS
12. RAVENS to win
Gee Gees are
12. RAVENS
magical wild
13. gee gees acard
team that
4. golden hawks
no one knows
13. gee gees
how to defeat
13. gee gees

16. v. blues

1. WARRIORS

10. gryphons
Cant beat em
in the air, cant
beat em on the
ground

1. v ike s
6. t-birds One of the few times Dinos win
11. dinos
Vikes are
11. dinos
the masters
11. dinos
of the
3. huskies
water, and
14. PANDAS
can easily
14. PANDAS
Pandas can be vicious
15. CASCADES handle the
Cascades
7. golden bears
10. spartans
10. spartans
15. CASCADES
2. COUGARS
15. CASCADES Cascades use immense
water power to drown their
15. CASCADES
opponents

1. v ik e s
Vikes use
home court
advantage
to defeat
Bisons that
are out of
their prairie
element

Canada West

8. Bobcats
9. wolfpack
9. wolfpack
An entire pack of wolves?
Ruthless
5. pronghorns
5. pronghorns
12. wesmen
4. BISONS
4. BISONS
4. BISONS
13. clan

16. HEAT

1. v ike s

If the team name is plural, they get

numerous people/creatures fighting.
The mascots are allowed to use any
powers and weapons that they may
possess.
The mascots enter the ring and fight to
the death. The mascot who is alive at
the end of the match wins.
No holds barred. GO!

THE RULES OF THE RING

10. gryphons

CHAMPION

gryphons

The match
for all the
marbles: the
versatility of
the Gryphon
versus the
X-Men and all
their powers.
But a Gryphon
is just too
magical. It can
pick you up,
and also rip
you apart with
its hind legs.
Xavier and co.
are doomed

4. X-MEN

4. X-MEN
Super
powers
defeat plain
ol axes

2. patriotes

RSEq

Bug spray
leads the
patriots to the
Final Four
2. patriotes

1. stingers

Wolverine and
Cyclops alone
are great,
but add in all
their friends?
Unstoppable 10. MOUNTIES

4. X-MEN

56 mascots enter the ring. Only one exits.

BATTLE OF
THE MASCOTS
8. PANTHERS

1. axmen

8. PANTHERS

16. CAPERS

1. axmen

11. GAELS

6. huskies

7. CARABINS

3. citadins
Patriotes
6. redmen
know how to
win when it
counts - their
2. patriotes
guns are an
asset too
2. patriotes

5. vert et or
In by far the worst match-up,
red beats green
3. citadins

4. rouge et or

1. stingers
A swarm of
8. GAITERS
bees should
assuredly beat
a couple of
4. rouge et or
colours

1. stingers

BYE

BYE

BYE

BYE

BYE

BYE

BYE

BYE

3. lions
3. lions
The
14. V. REDS
mounties
and their
10. lancers
guns reign
10. MOUNTIES
supreme
10. MOUNTIES
10. MOUNTIES
2. tigers
2. tigers
15. A. blues

3. lions

6. huskies

9. ridgebacks
Marshawn Lynch and beastmode
take down the X-Women
5. X-WOMEN
12. SEA-HAWKS
12. SEA-HAWKS
4. X-MEN
4. X-MEN
4. X-MEN
13. tommies

1. axmen

OUA/AUS

UNIVERSITy LIFE /FEARmONgERINg

University kids inject

the most futuristic
techno-drug pill yet
by rIce cOrns

THE CYBER SEX CLUB

DRUG THAT EvERYONES
TALkING ABOUT
12 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

Official adults report that teens and college-age kids are using
social media for doing drugs (stronger/more dangerous than the drugs
official grown-ups did when they were that age), having sex (gross/
demoralizing varieties, HIV, pregnancies) and cyberbullying (form of
school shooting rampage directly tied to video games and Salvia divinorum).
Dr. Anita Buttjoke is a Real Life Science Woman from Wesbrook
Village College of Safe but Independent Senior Living. Todays kids
are using the Twitterverse to cyberbully and e-sex with club drugs in
ways that fundamentally threaten democracy and the safety of life,
families, sustainability, mental health, acceptance, tolerance, economy,
future, trees, animals, honey bee population, freedom, ideas, pro-biotic,
organic, she said.
Dr. Buttjoke went on to link dangerous activities in the cybersphere
to violence at Newtown and that Batman movie.
We should be aware that the party drugs teens and college-agers
are flash driveinjecting through Worlds of CraftWar are a trillion times
more potent than safe, just-for-fun drugs us official adults enjoyed
during high school Led Zeppelin music in basements and college Hall and Oates stadium concerts, said Charles Buttjoke2, a
Dedicated Clever Scientist at Smart Research Facilities.
These drugs automatically make young next-generation bodies
touch and fondle in ways against science and good health, he continued, and further fuel cyber shootings and recession-era austerity
occupy movement.
Others downplay the danger of nefarious intersite hook-ups. Hannah Bundtcake is a professor of Future Eco-Environment Discourse at
Schooltown, USA College of Important Messages.
Lets be honest: most of the reason official grown-ups are so worried
about teens and college-age kids is that we did the same stuff when we
were young having intercourse, listening to rock music, experimenting with drugs, she said. And now we are dried-out husks terrified of
a brave new digi-world we barely comprehend. Who wouldnt want to
save Generation Y from the inexpressible horror of watching everything you love and understand dissolve before your eyes?
Bundtcake is in the minority, though. Last year, Concerned Parents
of Canada (CPOC) successfully lobbied to have Salvia divinorum, a
dangerous eBay drug, banned from sale.
We were seeing our kids go crazy, sexting, intercoursing, stepping
dubs, downloading viruses on the family computer, said Andrew
Bundtjoke3. All because of this salvia herb, which I understand is
something ancient shamans used in order to be indigenous and idealized. Now there are kids injecting the saliva pills into their sex glands,
and its just crashing the entire economy. Thank goodness we were able
to ban it from Internet.
Lana Dogface is a third-year Doing Business major at University of
B.C. Me and my other teen friends like to snort club drugs off buttholes, cyberbully peak oil, be dangerous always in all ways my parents
dont understand, she said. Im injecting cybersex right now and its
amazing.
Dogface blames dub hops and Twitterbook for making school
shooting, tattoos and sexchat parties go into young peoples brains.
But thats okay, though, she added, while doing key bumps of ecstasy and posting pictures of her vagina on Reddit. Just have fun.

UNIVERSITY LIFE /EXPERT TIPS

Bankrolling
your education
the easy way
Nine tips on how to make
the dough youll need to
survive in university
by CLARa WIGGUM

o youre thinking about university. But between tuition, textbooks and a healthy liquor fund, how are you going to pay for it
all? Your summer job at McDonalds might not cut it. You could
take out a loan, if you want to be in debt for the next 25 years. Theres
got to be an easier way, right?
Luckily for you, there is in fact, there are many. Here are some
alternative ways to pay for your education:
Get rich quick
Biodegradable peanut butter jars? Flushable tampon applicators? Actually edible kale chips? The possibilities are endless. After all, somebody got paid for inventing coffee sleeves and sliced bread.
Play the stock market
Looking into business school? Feel free to invest everything you own.

And everything your parents own. As long as you think you know what
youre doing, youre probably right.
Gamble
Remember: its not gambling if you know youre going to win. Slot
machines and card counting not for you? Bets with friends work too
the more outrageous, the more funds youll be able to raise. Ask for
$100 to eat bird droppings at the beach or $1,000 for slamming your
foot into a board full of nails. Health care is free, so theres really no
negative here, and the benefits will quickly add up.
Sell your body
Not prostitution thats illegal. But those inessential bits a toe, an
extra kidney, a gall bladder, a lung if youre feeling bold are moneymaking opportunities that most people forget about.
START A GROW-OP
Break into the local greenhouse and find a back corner, start a plot
in a national park, or, if your landlord isnt nosy, take advantage of a
bedroom flower arrangement. Ha ha, but you didnt hear it from us!
Get hurt and sue
University maintenance vehicles driving all over campus? Hop out in
front of one. Janitors cleaning the floors? If they forget to put up a sign,
slip and break your neck. Get served raw chicken at the cafeteria? Definitely eat it. But remember to make it look like an accident.
Find a sugar mama/daddy
Use your youthful charm to score a benefactor to finance your education. Bonus points if its a tenured professor.
Help millionaires in Nigeria
For only a small personal donation, youll get a huge cut of the family
fortune once theyre back on their feet.
Dont go to university
Keep your job at McDonalds and youll stay in the black.

GET AHEAD WITH YOUR RSUM

by THING ONE

If you find it hard to get scholarship money, its probably because of

your rsum. Your rsum is like a menu of all that you have to offer:
the things youve done and the people who can testify to your skills. If
you find that your menu is a little meagre, maybe you should consider
some rsum padding.
The secret to this practice is finding the right type of padding. In
order to make your rsum more impressive than it is, try covering it
in bubble wrap people like bubble wrap, and so they will like you,
too. Foam padding, on the other hand, is soft enough that people will
think youre a charismatic person, but sturdy enough to withstand most
scrutiny. You can also try using memory foam: its soft and bouncy and
will help you stick in the minds of adjudicators.
If you want really fancy padding the stuff that will turn your
humdrum stint at Staples into a high-powered managerial accom-

plishment try vinyl padding, because its more expensive.

If padding doesnt help you get to the next round of scholarship
interviews, have you tried petting your rsum? Rogue rsums tend
to work against you and spill your deepest, darkest secrets to your employers after you drop them off with the receptionist. They say things
like, He says hes a budding entrepreneur in the organics business, but
really he sells weed from the trunk of his dads Honda. By petting your
rsum, you can make sure it stays obedient and trustworthy.
Scholarships are hard to come by without a glowing rsum, so it is
recommended that you dip your rsums in glow-in-the-dark paint.
Just one layer of fluorescent gloss should be fine. Your neon-green rsum will stand out from the sea of white.
Dont worry about being dishonest. The only lying youll be doing is
lying on a pile of scholarship cash.
MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 13

UNIVERSITY LIFE /Fearmongering

THE DARK SIDE OF MMOCs

University students struggle with online learning addictions
by COLON CHIAPET

The growth of massively multiplayer online courses (MMOCs) at

Canadian universities is causing students to develop crippling addictions to online learning, mental health advocates say.
Were seeing students who become depressed and irritable when
they have to go to a physical classroom, or whose daily activities are
affected because theyve been up all night trying to level up their philosopher or organic chemist, said Eric Squalour, a psychologist with
Memorial University counselling services.
The nature of online courses can also be extremely disruptive to social and family life. Online learning cant be paused, especially once the
assessment starts and the questions have spawned on your screen. If
you dont keep going, you lose points.
Worse, since MMOCs involve working with a group, abandoning
your team members (or guilds, in MMOC parlance) affects them too,
causing them to flip out, hurl abuse and beat your virtual corpse. This
does not make for a good social environment.
Theres also concern that online learners might reenact their darkest fantasies in the offline world, especially with the growth of online
first-person student (FPS) courses.
In the lab simulator, you can contaminate a sample, or infect your
entire microbiology class with a genetically engineered influenza virus that would lead to global catastrophe, with no consequences, said
Squalour.
From there, whats holding people back from doing it in real life?

14 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

But the attractiveness of online learning simply cant be denied.

Many students say they experience feelings of accomplishment and
derive great enjoyment from MMOCs. Third-year civil engineering
student Broe Tosh said online courses can be very rewarding.
I just get a huge rush every time Im able to construct additional
pylons, he said.
Offline courses just arent the same you have to wear clothes and
go outside and take the bus. You get exposed to natural light and its
hard to find Doritos. In an MMOC, I get to learn things that I would
never bother learning in real life.

QUEST LIST
Course

Level

Bonus

Escape the Cask of Amontillado

1-2

+1 Liquor tolerance

Find John Galt

1-2

+1 Objectivism
-2 Charisma

Sell the Invisible

3-4

+3 Charisma

Rawls Reckoning

3-4

Learn Veil of Ignorance

Devise a Virus

4-5

+3 Constitution

Improvisation

4-5

+2 Jazz archery

All the Work While Crying

-3 Alertness

Crossing the Stage

Must purchase DLC

UNIVERSITY LIFE /STORIES FROM ABOVE

Is being paid overrated?

Ignore what the campus media tell you working an
unpaid internship is a rite of passage
by katriona palmfunk
An unpaid internship may sound like a euphemism for working for free. But university students everywhere are gaining tons of
valuable experience and networking contacts and thats priceless.
Maclearns sat down with three enterprising young people who are in
the midst of exciting internships in fields they love.

Bright-eyed lit major Chelsea McCall has always wanted to be

an editor and now shes living her dream, interning at Paper Pages
Ink Blot, a nifty indie grassroots online magazine that all the kids are
tweeting about.
McCalls internship is totally Skype-based, which is perfect for
her work-from-home, on-the-go, flexible young adult lifestyle. It
also saves her from occupying valuable office space, and spares her
from any face-to-face interaction with her co-workers.
Sometimes my connection is bad and I cant really hear what
any of my editors are saying, said McCall. Theyre just twitching,
flesh-coloured blobs.
Her duties include reading a lot of blogs and repeating what those
blogs say in different words. I do read a lot of blogs, McCall confirmed.
McCall said she also manages Paper Pages Ink Blots Twitter feed,
averaging 20 tweets a day, using all her powers of youthful pizazz
and cheeky irreverence. Sometimes McCall even writes marketing
press releases for the magazine.
I was actually hoping to be more on the editorial side of things,
enthused McCall.

An exciting new internship trend is blossoming, and Seamus

Bunker is lucky enough to be on board. Bunker is part of the first
cohort of the innovative McDonalds Happy McIntern Program,
15 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

which allows recent university graduates to gain valuable hands-on

experience in the fast food industry.
The fries go in here, Bunker demonstrated, dunking a metal tray
of fries into the designated intern fryer.
Happy McInterns receive a generous daily stipend of all-you-caneat McDonalds, which Bunker said he is taking full advantage of.
He said that the internship will allow him to get his foot in the
door for more demanding industry jobs.
I think I could probably get in at Hero Burger or Harveys after
this, he said.

University grad George Jonesby wiped the sweat from his brow as
he logged his 11th straight work hour of the day. They told me Im
the best intern theyve ever had! he said, typing feverishly. Better
than any other intern!
Jonesby has interned for Chad Ryan Corp. Ltd. for seven months
now. In that time, he said, he has done everything a regular employee
would do, frequently working into the wee hours of the night.
It was only supposed to be two months long, but they asked me
to stay, said Jonesby. They said they really value my contributions.
Jonesby has been richly paid in networking contacts, rock-solid
references and hands-on experience. He said he keeps a Rolodex
on his intern desk, which he periodically updates with the business
cards of all the sweet contacts hes made.
I got this guy some Timmys once, he said, pulling out a card.
Look, I wrote it down on the back: black, two sugars. Honey cruller.
When asked about the future, Jonesby rocked back and forth in
his office chair, a manic glint in his eye. I just want to be a good
intern, like they wanted, he said.

Public universities
are just so
mainstream.

THE RANKINGS
Theres a lot of choice when it comes to
post-secondary education in Canada. Here
is a totally objective, not at all arbitrary
numerical breakdown of which ones are
the best and why.

RANKINGS

TOTALLY NOT ARBITRARY

Here at Maclearns, we take a highly rigorous, fact-based approach

to university rankings. We determine the relative goodness of a
university based on the following criteria.

CATEGORIES
+
MATHS
=
RANKINGS!

CATEGORIES
LEARNINGS

Ostensibly, people go to university to learn things. Its about

more than that, of course life
experience, youthful antics, sexual experimentation but youre
going to have to sell your parents
on your school choice somehow.
Why not pretend?

STUDENT LIFE

To the extent that you might

actually have a shred of a life outside of schoolwork and partying,
its nice to know the other selling
points of various campuses. After
all, youre going to be spending
the next four years of your life
there. (Well, five, realistically.)

FUN TIMES

Yes, book-learning is important after all, youll get kicked

out if your grades sink low enough
but we all know that university is about letting the good times
roll, so pick your post-secondary
institution accordingly. Time flies
when youre having fun.

LEARNINGS
PANDERING TO UNIVERSITY RANKERS

W SCORE

Which universities do everything in their power to appeal to rankers?

A universitys W score should factor heavily into your post-secondary plans.

University of British Columbia

McGill University

University of Toronto

Queens University

University of Alberta

McMaster University

Dalhousie University

University of Calgary

University of Saskatchewan

Carleton University
18 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

10

1. Universit
de Moncton

2. Concordia
University
3. Kwantlen
University
4. University of
Winnipeg
5. Saint Francis
Xavier University
6. University of
British Columbia

7. Best University
8. University of
Kings College
9. Brandon
University
10. Capilano
University

82
79
77
76*
69
67
43
41
36
32

* after factoring in g quotient, as a percentage of total

RANKINGS

GREEN FACTOR

GRADUATE STARVATION INDEX

% of total things on campus that are the colour green (buildings, lampposts, trees, etc.)

Student financial situation one year after graduating (Canada-wide survey)

UBCs Green College

Living hand
to mouth

all of it

University of victoria

43

Acadia University

40

Queens University

74 total things

University of Alberta

39 (in spring)

McMaster University

17 green hyundai elantras

Dalhousie University

21 (were back to % now)

University of Calgary

13

University of Saskatchewan
Carleton University

11 (yeah, 11 sounds good)

9 (phew, this joke is finally over)

45
43
42
39
38
36
31
17
10
3

DOIN ALright
TAKING ON MORE
STUDENT LOANS
BACK TO the
Rents place
GETTING THRIFTY,
OTHERWISe fine
part of lost
generation
cant complain

attracting
seed funding
married for
money
Ballin
(DEGREE IN MINING)

FUN TIMES
CLOSENESS TO WHISTLER

FUN NATIONALITIES

Being close to the nations premier slopes gives universities a definite advantage
in recruiting the worlds best students. Universities on the West Coast continue
to dominate this category. (measured in kilometres*)

The prevalence of fun nationalities on campus. Fun nationalities include

Mexicans, Newfies, Norwegians, Singaporeans, Russians [non-scary], Saudis,
Ugandans, etc. (% of total international enrollment)

quest university

Memorial
university
Mcgill
university

capilano
ubc
Kwantlen
university

simon fraser
university
Trinity western
university

vancouver
island university
university of the
fraser valley
w. washington
university
University of
victoria

57
123
132
134
135
170
174
190
211
235

57
54
University of
51.4
Toronto
ryerson
university
50
Lcole de technolo48.1
gie suprieure
laval
46
university

university of british columbia

mcmaster
university
Redeemer university
college
university of
alberta

45
36
21
20

* this information is all 100% true, believe it or not

MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 19

RANKINGS

CHILLNESS

The predisposition of a universitys student population to smoke a few bowls,

make some nachos and fire up Mario Kart (Canada-wide average)

++A

Buzz-harshin (18%)

Super chill (7%)

Pretty chill (48%)

Aight (27%)

DEADMAU5 DROPOUTS

Percentage of students who drop out after first year to follow Deadmau5 on tour
(as a percentage of total dropouts)
1. Grant
MacEwan U

3. UBC Okanagan
3. university of
winnipeg
5. University of
New Brunswick
6. st. francis xavier
university
7. Lakehead U
8. University of
Prince Edward Island
9. University of
Regina
10. royal military
college of canada

THEATRE PROGRAM PROMISCUITY

We surveyed 69 Canadian fine arts students to find out which programs were
guilty of the most intradepartmental copulation (Canada-wide average)

Creative Writing

+A +A
+A

++A

+A
Music

Film Studies

+A
Theatre

+A
+A

Visual Arts

Film Production

Performance Arts

Interdisciplinary studies

56
42
41
32
27
19
17
13
10
9

2. University
of Guelph

STUDENT LIFE
BEST CAMPUS BARS

Based on highly scientific research that may or may not have been conducted on
the best roadtrip ever
Koerners, even though its still closed
Louis
St. Sulpice
Ram in the Rye
Olivers

Near-constant humping

Room at the Top (RATT)

Some public heavy petting

Felicitas

Well above average

Heroes Pub
The Well

Kind of repressed, actually

20 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

The Gallery

(ubc)
(usask)

(close to mcgill? or uquam? maybe?)

(ryerson)
(carleton)
(u of a)
(u vic)
(tru)
(ubc-o)
(ubc)

CANADAS
RANKINGS /SEXIEST UNIVERSITIES OF CANADA

RAUNCHIEST

UNIVERSITIES
Maclearns has been
exploring Canadas nakedest schools,
seeking the co-eds most likely to shirk the calling of
clothing and bare it all. Heres our top eight, ranked
with our usual scrupulous methodology.
Story by James Waterfield
Photos by THE KAISER

MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 21

RANKINGS /SEXIEST UNIVERSITIES OF CANADA

8 7
University of Alberta

Alberta oil is leading the

Canadian economy, just
as this strapping fellow
is probably leading along
dozens of sweet young
things.

University of QuebecMontreal

Quebeckers, right? What

a bunch of hot-doggers.
Always protesting about tuition and stuff. When theyre
not out on the streets asking
for handouts, theyre probably back in their taxpayer-subsidized dorms performing all kinds of weird,
revolutionary sex acts.

6 5
University of Ottawa
Ottawa. A city of
ornate clock towers?
Anyway, I bet this
kitty spends a lot of
time hanging around
Parliament Hill.

22 MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES

University of Toronto

I know this is the print

edition, but weve probably got some sort of slide
show to go with this online,
right? Like Top ten naked
Canadian undergrads?
Man, that would be great
for those sweet, sweet
page views. Anyway, heres
a fellow from U of T. Hes
probably studying actuarial sciences or something? He probably has to
get risk assessments done
pretty frequently with a
body like that. (STI joke!)

/bLAH

4 3
McGill University

Wait, isnt this the

guy from the U of T
photo? What kind
of stock photo site
are we using here,
guys? This doesnt
even make sense.

University of Calgary

Ive always thought it was super

cool how U of Cs mascot is
a fucking red velociraptor.
This fellow probably makes
his poorly endowed
locker mates similarly
chartreuse with envy.

2 1
University of British Columbia
Oh, Vancouver. Youre
always building condos
and wearing Lulus and
having dim sum and
stuff. If only your high-viz
constructions vests could
cover your tendencies to
get down with nature and
explore unknown territoy.

Memorial University

Christ, they want me

to avoid making a
Newfie joke and this
is what they give me?
I mean, look at fuckin
buddy over here gettin
losered with that lobster.
You dont want to stoop
to cheap stereotypes, but
this guy probably spends
most of his time gettin
shittered on the quad
with a fuckin Pil cube
and a 2-6 of CC.

MACLEARNS 2013 GUIDE TO CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES 23