A Collection of

Poems about
Depression

Copyright, Peter Stone, 2010

These poems are based upon poems and diary entries I made in the early 1990s
while suffering from severe depression. The poems are in chronological order,
spanning a period of about ten months.
www.cornerstonethefoundation.blogspot.com

Floundering in an Arid Wilderness

Why is my life
in such inner turmoil?
I grow faint,
physically and emotionally,
yet I dont know why.
I flounder helplessly
in this arid wilderness,
buffeted by the winds
of despair and confusion.
Anger and bitterness
rise up like a flood.
I turn to Jesus,
seeking comfort,
although it feels like
He has forsaken me.
I try to face
and sort through
the issues and implications,
but theres too many of them.

Languishing in a Personal Hell

Every day I languish
in this personal hell.
I want to get out of myself,
and go anywhere else.
Ive tried not to grumble,
not to get bitter.
And I failed.
I think and think,
searching to find
the answers as to what
has happened to me and why,
but it is worthless I am allergic to my own thoughts!
They are plagued
with fears and doubts,
and my wretched understandings.
Surely they are my undoing!
I feel so inadequate, so helpless,
oh Lord, when will it end?

This Endless Inner Pain

No one can see
this endless inner pain,
or hear me screaming
on the inside,
wishing it would end.
And somehow
I am still me,
even though Im not
the slightest bit like myself.
Although the mornings are worse,
this endless feeling of dread
perturbs me all day, every day.
Occasionally it relents,
only to return in full force.
And whenever I think and analyse,
I fall deeper into this miry pit.
Regardless of how hard I try,
I cannot turn off my mind!
I cannot believe this is happening to me.
Help me, God!
Are You angry with me,
or do You understand,
and love me all the more?

What has Happened to Me?

What has happened to me?
Where has this come from?
What did those two weeks mean,
at the end of last year,
when I completely fell apart.
I could barely think a complete thought,
and could find no peace
regardless of what course of action I considered.
All day long,
throughout those two weeks,
I lay curled into a ball,
churning over fearful thoughts.
I couldnt get away.
It would not stop.
And it is still going,
nine weeks later.
Though it is not as bad as before,
which is probably because
Im busy at work.

Will I Ever See Daylight Again?

I feel like a bird
trapped in a suffocatingly small birdcage,
hidden at the bottom
of a dark basement.
I want to breakout of the blackness,
And fly into the Light outside.
But it is an impossible task I cant get out.
And the thick, murky black air closes in
I feel like Im in a room
with invisible walls.
But its so black in the room,
that I cant see through the walls.
Where I go, the room goes
I cant get out.
I wish someone would chain the room still,
so that I could get out into the Light,
But there is no escape,
because I am the room.
I know there is Light outside,
I can remember it!
I see others walk in it every day,
but how do I get out to that Light?
Will this nightmare ever end?
Those who have been here before me,
Have left sign posts along the way,
But they all say the same thing:
"Wait and youll come through it,
life will be normal again one day. "

How do I Stop Feeling?

This suffering
pollutes my worldview,
so I see everything
in a wrong light.
Instead of the truth
I see only heartache and nightmare.
I know the conclusions
Ive been making
are affected by the way I feel,
But how do I stop thinking?
How do I stop feeling?
I see others
living and prospering,
yet I remain stuck
in this dark prison cell.
Jesus, where are You?
Please see my circumstances
and hear my prayer.
I know You are Faithful and True.

Where Does This Road Lead?

What is this storm
that rages within me?
Why wont it abate?
Ive done nothing but hide and wait
for four long months now.
"It will end one day soon, " they tell me.
But where is the proof?
I have no future,
how can there be when Im like this?
I cant face anyone
except those I must.
I wait and I wait and I pray,
but Im so weak that I lack
the strength to fight
the anger and frustration that consume me.
Where does this road lead?
It is difficult to trust God
in these circumstances,
even though He says
He will never let me down.
The fact is, God can see the end,
But I cannot
I see this going on forever.

Seeing a Counsellor
Because my life is
a complete mess,
I have started seeing a counsellor.
I felt so guilty
for taking up her time,
but I need the help,
so I make myself go.
She said that depression
is the worse ailment
we can have,
because it affects
all areas of our lives:
mentally, emotionally,
physically, and spiritually.
We err in thinking
that because our spiritual life is effected,
the cause must be spiritual.
But no, depression touches every part of us.
She listed the symptoms of depression,
all of which afflict me:
having no hope,
unable to see a future,
cannot see myself recovering,
looking at everyone else
and wishing I was any one of them
instead of myself.
She has been helping me to see
the true perspectives
on the things I fear,
and said that I need
to be on anti-depressant meds.

A Faint Glimmer of Hope

I can scarcely believe it,
but its been nearly two weeks
since Ive wanted to end it.
I am tempted to deny
ever feeling like that,
but I did I just wanted to do die
to get away from the pain.
So these anti-depressant tablets
must be helping me.
For four weeks Ive taken them.
My fears that they would not help,
were unfounded.
And is it true?
Can I see a faint glimmer of light now?
How many others
are there out there,
suffering like me?
I wish I could help
and comfort them,
but I wouldnt know how,
I dont even know
how to survive this myself.

What Kept Me from Ending it?

What was it
that stopped me
from ending it,
when I all wanted
to do was die?
Jesus was one reason
I persevered,
but the main thing
that kept me from ending my life,
was my mother and the others
who care for me.
I had to keep going for them.
I have seen the wreckage,
the utter devastation,
that suicide inflicts upon a family,
so regardless of how bad it got,
irrespective of how much pain I was in,
I refused to put my loved ones
through such an ordeal.
So I persevered,
until glimpses of hope returned.

A Difficult Road
The deep pain has gone,
but Im still a mess.
I still travel
a most difficult road.
The old fears and doubts
have arisen to swamp me again.
But I have found
that if I dont analyse them
they dont overcome me
and I dont fall.
I try to keep my eyes
fixed upon Jesus,
to trust and rely upon Him,
Oh, how I long
to be normal again,
for I believe that this nightmare
will end one day.
I see faint glimmers
of a future,
although I suspect
recovery will be slow.
It just seems so distant.
I have been forced to trust God
when it feels like
He has abandoned me.

Dreads Fatal Embrace

This road
has its ups and downs,
except these ups are what
I once called the downs.
Despairs insipid lure
calls me
to concede defeat.
But Ill not yield
to dreads fatal embrace,
nor subscribe
to its assertions,
that this darkness
will never end.
Each day eventually
comes to an end,
and so will
this nightmare.

Self-Hate
Self-hate
keeps descending on me
like a swarm of angry hornets.
I look at myself
and find nothing but contempt
for this pathetic person
that I have become.
But I know this is wrong.
When I examine myself
through Jesus eyes,
I see someone special,
someone loved,
appreciated,
and cared for.

Not Over Yet

Two weeks ago
I felt almost normal,
but was I too hopeful?
The last two or three days
have been almost as bad as before,
and it caught me off guard.
I felt so disturbed
that I struggled with self-harm,
I wasnt trying to punish myself,
I was trying to make it go away.
What happened to me?
How did I get to be like this?
I know I overworked myself last year,
and tried to be what I am not,
and suffered that major shock.
And although my life at the moment
is not much of a life,
I guess I should still be thankful,
so I still praise God
for all He has given me.
I have had the flu for three months now.
Is holding down a normal job is too much?
If so, tough! I must work,
even if it means
I spend the rest of my life sick.
I cannot drop out of society.
I must keep going and kick this 'thing.'

A Book all about Me

I have just read
"Self Help For Your Nerves"
by Dr Claire Weekes,
It is a book all about me.
The book describes
EVERY single thing
that has afflicted me
for the past eight months,
and even the months preceding that.
All the strange things
in my mind, body, and emotions,
were caused by the same thing the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle.
For the last eight months,
I have feared and fought against
all the things that were going wrong in me.
This book teaches
that these two reactions
only make it worse.
In a nutshell, my nerves have fallen apart,
manufacturing far too much adrenalin.
This over abundance of adrenalin
created all those disturbing symptoms.
And my response to these symptoms
was to fear and fight them.
This reaction produced more adrenalin,
which made me fear or fight them all the more
the cycle is never ending.
It is a catch 22 situation, a merry go round.
This book has taught me how to react
to stop that cycle.
And it is teaching me how to react
whenever it strikes again.
Thank you Jesus,
for answering my prayers,
and for showing me
what was wrong with me.

The Bewilderment is Gone

Life has changed
now that I know what's wrong with me.
All the bewilderment of:
what is wrong with me?
what is going on?
why won't it stop or go away?
where did it come from?
is gone!
Now I say with relief
"I know what's wrong with me,
my nervous system has packed up.
It has developed a habit cycle
of manufacturing too much adrenalin,
and it does so ALL of the time. "
But apart from that it is very hard.
I still feel exhausted and awful most of the time.
All I want to do is be normal again.
I want to be able to see people again.
I wish I had some friends,
I feel so alone.
I just want to get on with life.
and be whole again
but stay within my limits this time.

Letting Time Pass

Instead of dreading
the disturbing symptoms,
I face them.
Yes, they are awful,
and I although I do not want them,
are they really so unbearable,
that I cannot think, function or live?
No! Although dreadful,
I can still think, function and live.
The worst part was my fear
that I would be like this forever.
I no longer say,
"I cant live like this!"
Instead, I am learning to accept
that these symptoms
will be part of my life for now,
and Im learning to live with them,
as if they were background music
to my day.
And I am letting time pass,
while keeping myself busy
with recreational activities.
Dr Weekes says
this will break
the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle,
and lead me back
to being myself again.

Getting Back Out There

My counsellor said that although
I have not fully recovered yet,
I am better enough
to stop getting counselling
and get back out there.
She suggested getting more involved in church,
and becoming a musician again.
She said that to be in deep surrender to God
means to never look back
with regret upon the past,
nor forward to what I want to be in the future.
To compare myself to what I used to be,
or to what I want to be,
is a hindrance for resting in God's will.
So trusting in God, I will be content to be:
who I am today,
where I am today,
and how I am today.

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