1/21/2015

43 and Pregnant - NYTimes.com

43 and Pregnant
By Cara Paiuk

January 20, 2015 3:37 pm

I was interrupted midthought, midword, midbreath. In that moment

I was stunned into stasis, neither exhaling nor inhaling. I froze in place
trying to process this unexpected news. Except the pink line persisted. So
did my disbelief.
I feel like a cartoon character who has paused midair, afraid to look
down and confirm that the ground is no longer underfoot, waiting for the
laws of nature to resume with a whoosh. I am in my own private
purgatory. I never expected to be here: 43 and pregnant.
My family was complete, or so I thought. A wonderful husband, a
precocious 4-year-old son and lovely twin daughters who are on the cusp
of turning 2. Two dogs and a fish rounded us out, and our home is
chaotic, loud and in a word: perfect. We decided together that we would
not have any more children and that my husband would get a vasectomy.
His procrastination in making the appointment and our belief that I
was infertile because I experienced secondary infertility had everything
and nothing to do with our present predicament. That I am pregnant is
truly unbelievable and dare I say, a miracle. But I am not happy about it.
At least not yet.
A seven-week ultrasound did not show a fetal pole or heartbeat, so I
began debating whether I should have a D and C, a dilation and
curettage, right away or wait to miscarry naturally. In hindsight, this
internal discussion in a fluid situation about a choice with so many
unknowns was just plain silly. I should have known that making such
hypothetical plans is often for naught.

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1/21/2015

43 and Pregnant - NYTimes.com

I spent the week leading up to the next appointment bracing myself

for a confirmation that the pregnancy was not viable. Even with an
unplanned pregnancy, a miscarriage is still fertile ground for melancholy.
Yet to my surprise, the ultrasound revealed a fetal pole and a heartbeat
rather than an empty sac and heartache. The fetus measured two weeks
behind my dating, but it is anyones guess if my dates are accurate or
whether the baby is growing at a normal rate. My pregnancys viability is
still very much in limbo. As am I.
Everything seems to be on hold: my career; purging ourselves of car
seats, bouncers and various other overpriced infant accouterments; travel
plans; and a family budget. Until we know if we are planning for a family
of five or six, our whole lives seem to have entered a state of paralysis. We
had finally started to get into a groove and I was looking forward to
raising older children. Now, all those plans are in suspended animation.
At first I confided in a few friends to build a support team for
whichever way the ax falls. But now I am starting to show a bump and do
not feel ready to answer the stares of the other mothers. As I tell more
people, the reaction is always the same: Congratulations? I dont know
what could be more ironic than a felicitation posed as a question.
Everyone knew I was done having children; my husbands vasectomy was
the worst kept secret ever. As a small consolation, I am oddly enjoying
shocking people with the news.
A part of me wants to be excited for this gift. I dream of that
intoxicating new baby smell and the joy of holding a tiny life against my
body once more. I think about how hard it was to raise the twins and I
fantasize about how easy one will be by comparison. And since my
previous pregnancies have caused tensions in my marriage, I could also
see this as a way for my husband and me to learn from our past mistakes
and redeem ourselves.
I am trying to embrace a future with this baby in it, although I fear
that if the baby never arrives, I will be crestfallen. I am readying myself

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/20/43-and-pregnant/?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&

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1/21/2015

43 and Pregnant - NYTimes.com

for whatever happens, but I am split in a way that I have never felt before.
Wanting this baby and not wanting this baby, seeing two futures
simultaneously like Schrdingers Cat. So here I am, at this surreal fork in
the road, not knowing which direction my life is taking me, and I am
struggling to accept the uncertainty.
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