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KeepingMarriagesHealthy,andWhyItsSoDifficult

PsychologicalScienceAgenda(/science/about/psa/index.aspx)|February2010
(/science/about/psa/2010/02/index.aspx)

SCIENCEBRIEFS

KeepingMarriagesHealthy,andWhyItsSoDifficult
ByBenjaminR.Karney(http://www.apa.org/search.aspx?query=&fq=ContributorFilt:%22Karney,Benjamin
R.%22&sort=ContentDateSortdesc)

BenjaminKarneyisanAssociateProfessorofSocialPsychologyandcodirectorofthe
RelationshipInstituteattheUniversityofCalifornia,LosAngeles.Hisresearchfocusesonhow
marriageschangeorremainstableovertime,andinparticularhowrelationshipmaintenance
isconstrainedorenhancedbythecontextsinwhichittakesplace.Currentlythisincludes
researchonmarriagesinthemilitary,fundedbytheDepartmentofDefense,andmarriagesin
lowincomepopulations,fundedbytheNationalInstituteonChildHealthandHuman
Development.HereceivedtheGeraldR.MillerAwardforEarlyCareerAchievementfromthe
InternationalAssociationforRelationshipResearchin2004andhastwicebeentherecipient
oftheNationalCouncilonFamilyRelationsReubenHillResearchandTheoryAwardfor
outstandingcontributionstofamilyscience.Histextbook,IntimateRelationships(coauthored
withThomasBradbury),willbepublishedbyW.W.NortoninJanuary,2010.

Peoplerarelychangetheirmindsaboutsubjectsthatareimportanttothem.Thosewhofavorguncontroltodayare
likelytofavorguncontroltenyearsfromnow,andthosewhovoteforDemocraticcandidatestodayarelikelytodoso
throughouttheirlives.
Yetintimaterelationships,andmarriagesinparticular,aretheexceptiontothisrule.Aftertwopeoplestandbefore
everyoneimportanttothemintheworldandpubliclydeclarethattheyloveeachotherandintendtoremaintogether
fortherestoftheirlives,everythingsocialpsychologyhaslearnedaboutthestabilityofpubliclydeclaredopinions
suggeststhatthesewillbethemoststableopinionsofall(Festinger,1957).Yetofcoursetheyarent.Despitethe
almostuniformhappinessandoptimismofnewlyweds,mostfirstmarriageswillendindivorceorpermanent
separation(Bramlett&Mosher,2002),andtherateofdissolutionforremarriagesisevenhigher(Cherlin,1992).In
mostcases,thisrepresentsadrasticandunwantedchangeinahighlyvaluedbelief,achangethatisemotionally
andfinanciallycostlytobothmembersofthecouple.Eveninmarriagesthatremainintact,newlywedsinitiallyhigh
levelsofmaritalsatisfactiontendtodeclineovertime(VanLaningham,Johnson,&Amato,2001).Howcanwe
accountforthischange?Howisitthatmaritalsatisfactiondeclinessofrequently,despiteourbesteffortstoholdonto
thepositivefeelingsthatmotivatemarriageinthefirstplace?Andwhatisitthosecouplesthatmaintaintheirinitial
happinessaredoingright?
Whatcouplesthatstayhappyaredoingright
Understandinghowmaritalsatisfactionchangesrequiresfirstunderstandinghowthoughtsandopinionsabouta
marriageandaspousearestructured.Ourrepresentationsofourpartnersarecomplexandmultifaceted,consisting
ofperceptionsthatrangefromspecificandconcrete(e.g.,Myspousemakesgreatpancakes.)toglobaland
evaluative(e.g.,Myspouseiswonderful!)(John,Hampson,&Goldberg,1991).Althoughwearegenerally
motivatedtobelievethebestaboutourpartners,wearenotequallymotivatedorabletoprotectallourbeliefsatall
levelsofabstraction(e.g.,Dunning,1995).Forexample,ifmypartneractuallymakesterriblepancakes,itisneither
possiblenorterriblyimportanttobelieveotherwise.However,ifIamtostayhappilymarried,itisdesirabletofinda
waytobelievethatmyspouseiswonderful,anditispossibletodosobyidentifyingandfocusingonspecific
perceptionsthatmightsupportthisglobalbelief.
Thatiswhathappycouplesdo.Whencouplesintheearlyyearsofmarriageareaskedtoratewhichspecificaspects
oftheirrelationshipsaremostimportanttothesuccessoftheirmarriage,theygenerallypointtowhateveraspectsof
theirrelationshiparemostpositive,andthespouseswhodemonstratethistendencymoststronglyaretheoneswho
arethehappiestwiththeirrelationshipsoverall(Neff&Karney,2003).Thisselectionprocessdoesnothappenonly
atthebeginningoftherelationship.Overtime,asspecificaspectsoftherelationshipchange,withsomeparts
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KeepingMarriagesHealthy,andWhyItsSoDifficult

becomingmorepositiveandsomebecomingmorenegative,thecoupleswhostayhappiestoverallaretheoneswho
changetheirbeliefsaboutwhatisimportantintheirrelationshipsaccordingly,decidingthatwhateveraspectsofthe
marriagehavedeclinedmustnotbesoimportantafterall(Neff&Karney,2003).Asaconsequenceofthiscontinued
processofselectiveattention,globalevaluationsofamarriagetendtobeprettystablefromdaytoday,astheseare
theevaluationswearemotivatedtoprotect,butperceptionsofspecificaspectsofthemarriagetendtovary,more
positiveongooddaysandlesspositiveonbaddays(McNulty&Karney,2001).
Sowhathappenstothoselesspositivespecificperceptions?Theydontdisappear.Evenhappynewlywedsreadily
acknowledgethattheirpartnersarenotperfectineveryway(Neff&Karney,2005).Stayingpositiveaboutthe
relationshiprequiresthatspousesfindwaystointegratetheirperceptionsofspecificproblemsanddisappointments
withinanoverallpositiveviewofthemarriage.Onewayspousescandothisisbygeneratingexplanationsfora
spousesfailingsthatlimitanybroaderimplicationsthosefailingsmayhave.Forexample,ifmyspouseisdistantand
withdrawnoneevening,decidingthatmyspousesbehaviorisasymptomofadifficultdayatwork(ratherthanasign
ofalackofinterestinme)meansthatthebehaviorhasnoglobalimplicationsformymarriage.Forspouseswhotend
tomakethesesortsofcharitableexplanationsfortheirpartnersdisappointingorirritatingbehaviors,global
evaluationsofthemarriageremainrelativelystablefromdaytodayevenwhenperceptionsofspecificaspectsofthe
relationshiparefluctuating.Forspouseswhomakelesscharitableexplanations,blamingeachotherforfaultsand
missteps,specificperceptionsandglobalevaluationsaremorecloselylinked,suchthattheentiremarriageseems
lessrewardingondayswhenspecificelementsarebadandtheentiremarriageseemsmorerewardingondays
whenspecificelementsaregood(McNulty&Karney,2001).Inotherwords,makingcharitableexplanationssevers
thelinkbetweenspecificnegativeperceptionsandglobalevaluationofthemarriage,leavingtheglobalevaluations
moreresilient.Coupleswhoareabletoacknowledgetheirpartnersfaultswhilemaintainingpositiveviewsoftheir
marriageoverallhavemorestablesatisfactionovertime(Karney&Bradbury,2000)andtheyarelesslikelyto
divorceintheearlyyearsofmarriage(Neff&Karney,2005).
Whyismaintainingarelationshipsodifficult?
Ifthissortofintegrationissobeneficial,andifhappynewlywedsarealreadydoingit,whydonewlywedsinitially
highlevelsofmaritalsatisfactionneverthelessdeclinesofrequently?Theshortansweristhatmakingallowancesfor
aspousesinevitableshortcomingsisdifficult,andespeciallysobecausemarriagesandotherintimaterelationships
donottakeplaceinavacuum.Thewaythatspousesthinkaboutandrespondtoeachotherisaproductofbroader
forcesthataffectmarriagesandintimaterelationships.Asresearchidentifiesmoreoftheprocessesthatcontributeto
stabilityandchangeinmaritalsatisfaction,modelsoftheseprocesseshaveexpandedtoaccountforthosebroader
forces.OneframeworkthatattemptsthisistheVulnerabilityStressAdaptationModelofMarriage(i.e.,theVSA
modelKarney&Bradbury,1995).Consistentwiththeresearchdescribedabove,theVSAmodel(seeFigure1)
describesadaptiveprocesses(e.g.,solvingproblems,explainingeachothersbehavior)asdirectlyaffectinghow
maritalsatisfactionchangesovertime.Themodelfurthersuggeststhattheseprocessesthemselvesarefacilitatedor
constrainedbyspousesenduringvulnerabilities(e.g.,cognitivestyles,personalitytraits,childhoodexperiences)and
thestressfulcircumstancestheyencounteroutsidetherelationship(e.g.,workload,financialstrains,health
problems).

Figure1:TheVulnerabilityStressAdaptationModelofMarriage(Karney&Bradbury,1995)
ResearchinformedbytheVSAmodelsuggeststwogeneralreasonswhyspousesattemptstomaintaintheirinitially
highmaritalsatisfactionmayfallshortovertime.First,somepeoplearenaturallybetteratitthanothers.Forexample,
whenaskedtowriteopenendedparagraphsaboutissuesintheirmarriages,somespousesrecognizethattherecan
betwosidestoeveryconflictandthatcompromisesarepossible.Otherswriteonlyabouttheirownperspective,
failingtorecognizethatotherperspectivesarepossible,letalonevalid.Whencoupleswhohavewrittenthese
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paragraphsaretheninvitedtodiscussrealmaritalissues,theabilitytorecognizemultipleperspectivesemergesasa
significantpredictorofthequalityoftheirdiscussions,asratedbyoutsideobservers(Karney&Gauer,inpress).
Wheredoesthisabilitycomefrom?Alikelysourceisexposuretomoreorlesssuccessfulproblemsolvinginearly
childhood.Indeed,wiveswhoseparentsdivorcedwhentheywerechildrenandhusbandswhosechildhoodfamily
environmentswerehighlynegativealsohavemoredifficultyresolvingproblemstogether,andareatriskfordeclines
inmaritalsatisfactionasaresult(Story,Karney,Lawrence,&Bradbury,2004).
Second,maintainingarelationshiptakesenergy,andinsomecontextsthatenergyisinshortsupply.Itisnotenough
thatcoupleshavetheabilitytoaddressproblemseffectivelyiftheylackthecapacitytoexercisethoseabilitiesinthe
moment.Unfortunately,inthecontextofstress,evencoupleswhoarenormallyeffectiveatmaintainingtheir
relationshipsmayfinditdifficulttodoso.Toevaluatethispossibility,recentlymarriedcoupleswereaskedaboutthe
kindsofexplanationstheymadeforeachothersnegativebehaviorseverysixmonthsforthefirstfouryearsoftheir
marriages(Neff&Karney,2004).Ateachassessment,theywerealsoaskedtodescribeandratethestressfulevents
theyhadbeenexposedtooutsideofthemarriage(e.g.,stressatwork,financialstrains,problemswithfriendsor
extendedfamily,healthissues,etc.)duringeachsixmonthinterval.Controllingforchangesintheirmarital
satisfactionoverthattime,thewayspousesunderstoodeachothersnegativebehaviorsateachassessmentwas
significantlyassociatedwiththestresstheyhadbeenunderduringthatperiod.Whenstresswaslow,spouseson
averagewereabletogeneratemorecharitableexplanationsforeachothersnegativebehaviors,preventingthose
behaviorsfromaffectingtheirglobalfeelingsaboutthemarriage.Butafterperiodsofrelativelyhighstress,thesame
spouseswhohaddemonstratedthisabilityweresignificantlylesslikelytoexerciseit,andsoweremorelikelyto
blametheirpartnersfornegativebehaviorsthattheyhadpreviouslyexcused.
Inadditiontohighlightingthemaineffectsofenduringvulnerabilitiesandstressfulcircumstancesonmarriage,the
VSAmodelsuggeststhattheserelativelyindependentsourcesofinfluenceonmaritalprocessesinteract.Thatis,
amongindividualswithcomparablelevelsofenduringvulnerabilities,thosewhoencounterstressfulcircumstances
willhaveanespeciallyhardtimemaintainingtheirrelationships,andamongindividualsencounteringsimilarlevels
ofstress,theonesmostatriskforrelationshipproblemsaretheoneswhoalsohavenumerousenduring
vulnerabilities.Surveyresearchthatoversampledfromlowincomeandunderrepresentedcommunities(Rauer,
Karney,Garvan,&Hou,2008)confirmsthesesortsofinteractions,showingthattheassociationsbetween
relationshipsatisfactionandanyparticularconstraintonadaptiveprocesses(e.g.,mentalhealthproblems,financial
strain,substanceabuse)becomesstrongerinthepresenceofotherriskfactors.
So,whyisitsodifficulttomaintaintheinitialpositivefeelingsthatcharacterizemostnewlywedcouples?Itisdifficult
becausesomedisappointmentsareinevitableinanylongtermcommittedrelationship,becausesomespouseslack
theabilitytorespondtothosedisappointmentseffectively,andbecauseevenspouseswhohavetheabilitymay
encounterstressfulcircumstancesthatpreventthemfromexercisingtheirabilitieswhentheyaremostneeded.
Implicationsforhelpingcouplessucceed
Dominantapproachestostrengtheningmarriagesandotherintimaterelationshipsfocusalmostexclusivelyon
adaptiveprocesses,i.e.,teachingcouplesasetofskillsforresolvingproblemsanddealingwithdisappointments
whentheyarise(e.g.,Markman,Stanley,&Blumberg,1994).TheVSAmodelandtheresearchinformedbyitsuggest
thattheremaybealimittowhattheseapproachescanaccomplish.Individualscopingwithsignificantpersonal
vulnerabilitiesmaynotbeabletochangetheirbehaviors.Evencouplesthatknowperfectlywellhowtorespondto
eachothereffectivelymaylosetheircapacityforeffectiveadaptiveprocesseswhenunderstress.Inlightofthese
broaderforcesaffectingrelationships,policiesthataddressindividualwellbeingandcurrentsourcesofstresson
familylifemaybeaseffectiveatpromotinghealthyrelationshipsasanyinterventionsthattargetrelationshipsdirectly.
Researchontheeffectsofpublicpoliciesonmaritaloutcomessupportsthisidea.InNorway,forexample,afterthe
governmentbeganofferingcashincentivestoparentsthatelectedtoforgostatesubsidizedchildcareandstayhome
withtheirchildren,divorceratesfellsignificantlyeventhoughthenewpolicydidnottargetmarriagesdirectly(Hardoy
&Schne,2008).Policieslikethesethatsimplymakelifeeasierforfamiliesandindividualsmaycontributetoan
environmentthatsupportsmarriagesandotherintimaterelationships.Insuchanenvironment,morespousesand
partnersmayprovecapableofmaintainingtheirrelationshipsontheirown.
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Cherlin,A.J.(1992).Marriage,divorce,remarriage(2nded.).Cambridge,MA:HarvardUniversityPress.
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Hardoy,I.,&Schne,P.(2008).Subsidizing"stayers"?EffectsofaNorwegianchildcarereformonmaritalstability.
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