The Cool Kids Screenplay

“The Cool Kids”
Original Screenplay Written By Jason Wiese

“The Cool Kids” Original Screenplay by Jason Wiese 2
FADE IN
INT. – TOMMY‟S BEDROOM AT HIS PARENT‟S COUNTRY HOME
TOMMY PARKER, a young wide-eyed innocent 22 year old, is

dutifully making his bed as his parents walk into the room
and interrupt him.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER is the quintessential old Southerner mother;

very motherly looking complete with an apron tied around
her waist.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Awww, there he is. My little guy
is all grown up.
Upon hearing his mother in the room, Tommy quickly finishes

making his bed and stands up straight in front of her.
TOMMY
Come on mom, I‟m not your little
guy anymore. I‟m twenty-two now.
His mother pinches his cheeks.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I know, I know, you‟re a big boy
now.
TOMMY‟S FATHER, a tall older, refined Southern gentleman

walks into the room behind his wife.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
There‟s my city-living son.
The dad gives his son a firm, hearty handshake.
TOMMY‟S FATHER (cont‟d)

Moving to the big city of New York,
going to make something big of
himself. Going to become, what do
they call them up there? A “mover
and shaker?”
TOMMY
(sheepishly)
I hope so dad.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Do you have to go, Tommy?
TOMMY
I don‟t have to go…I want to go.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
But why?
TOMMY
I don‟t want Lynchburg, Tennessee
to be the most metropolitan place
I see in life. I want to go out
in the world and experience new
things, meet different people,
see how the other side lives.
Tommy‟s dad pats his son on the back to reassure him.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Ahhh, we understand son. Mom is
just going to miss you, that‟s
all.
TOMMY
Well, I‟ll make sure to call home
every Sunday at least and I‟ll
come back for the holidays.
Tommy‟s mother hugs him.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I know you will because you‟re a
good son.
Tommy‟s dad reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few

dollars, literally, and hands it over to Tommy.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Here‟s a few dollars son. Use it
if you get into trouble; like if
you need more gas or if you need
to make a call.
TOMMY
I have a cell phone dad, with
unlimited minutes.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
OK, well use it for a couple of
snacks.
TOMMY
Thanks dad.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
And remember, there will always be
a job waiting for you at the store
if you ever decide to come back.
I promise.
TOMMY
Thanks.
Tommy picks up a large bag of clothes and is ready to

leave.
TOMMY
Well, I‟m ready.
Tommy‟s mother sheds a tear as she hugs him.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I love you Thomas.
TOMMY
I love you too mom.
Tommy‟s dad gives Tommy another handshake.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Good luck son.
TOMMY
Thanks dad.
Tommy walks out of the bedroom, followed closely by his

parents.
EXT. – TOMMY‟S PARENTS‟ COUNTRY HOME – DAY
DRIVEWAY
Tommy cautiously backs out of the dirt driveway in his old,

beat up red Saturn as his parents watch him from the front
lawn.
As Tommy backs out onto the street, his parents wave

goodbye to him as he offers them one final wave before
driving away.
EXT. – LYNCHBURG, TENNESSEE, TOWN CENTER – DAY
Tommy starts out by driving through the small center square

of Lynchburg, Tennessee then he drives by the Jack Daniel‟s
Distillery.
EXT. – RURAL COMMUNITIES IN TENNESSEE – DAY
Next he makes his way past the rural farms and homes in the
small town communities in Tennessee until he gets on the
first highway, TN-55.
EXT. – TN-55 & I-40 HIGHWAYS IN TENNESSEE – DAY
Tommy is driving cautiously in the slow lane, passing all

the scenic views of Tennessee as he goes from TN-55 to I-
40.
EXT. – I-81 HIGHWAY – DAY
Still driving in the slow lane, Tommy travels through

Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania; seeing
the sights from the highway during his drive.
After traveling all day and night, Tommy can finally see
the New York City skyline in the distance on I-78.
INT. – TOMMY‟S CAR
A big smile covers Tommy‟s face as he sees the familiar

outline of the Empire State Building.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Oh boy! There it is! New York City.
New York, New York…the Big Apple.
The city that never sleeps.
(pause)
Watch out for Tommy Parker, New York;
because I‟ve come here to own you!
EXT. – HOLLAND TUNNEL – DAY
Tommy drives up to the tunnel and waits behind a long line

of cars that are stuck in heavy traffic.
INT. – A STUDIO APARTMENT IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN
A raspy-voiced, middle-aged female realtor is showing Tommy

around a tiny, unfurnished studio apartment.
She walks around the studio quickly pointing out the old
appliances in the kitchen.
FEMALE REALTOR
It‟s definitely a nice, cozy
apartment. The kitchen might not
have brand new appliances, but the
oven and refrigerator are definitely
functional...
Then she walks over to the bathroom and turns the light on,
all the while Tommy is standing in the middle of the
apartment looking around in amazement over its‟ small size.
FEMALE REALTOR (cont‟d)

…And the bathroom has a working
shower and toilet. You have all
the things you need here. But
here‟s the best part…
The realtor excitedly walks over to the window of the

living room and lifts up the blinds to reveal not much of a
view at all – the window overlooks a brick building right
across the street.

Check out the view? Isn‟t it nice?
Tommy slowly walks over to the window to check out the

view, he‟s unimpressed.
TOMMY
(innocently)
I don‟t really see anything.
The realtor points to the corner of the window where they

can barely see the street that runs alongside the building.
FEMALE REALTOR
What are you talking about? You‟d
have a great view of all the
comings and goings on Bay Ridge
Avenue.
(pause)
So this is the place. What do you
think?
TOMMY
(incredulously)
Wait, this is it?
FEMALE REALTOR
It is.
TOMMY
How much square footage are we
talking about?
FEMALE REALTOR
400.
TOMMY
Wow, my bedroom at my parent‟s
house was practically bigger than
this whole place.
FEMALE REALTOR
Oh yeah, where are you from?
TOMMY
Tennessee.
FEMALE REALTOR
Well, Tommy, we‟re not in Tennessee
Anymore now are we? This is an up
and coming neighborhood, you have
all the appliances you‟d ever need
here and they work.
TOMMY
I was expecting something…bigger
though.
FEMALE REALTOR
Hey kid we all want something
bigger, but this is New York City,
(MORE)

you have to be a little bit more
realistic. Now you told me your
budget is $1,000. This is what
you get for $1,000. In fact,
believe it or not but this is
one of the nicer places available
at that price. I kid you not.
At least you‟re getting your own
Bathroom here.
Tommy continues to look around the apartment in amazement

over the size.

So what do you say? You want it?
If not, I‟ll have to start showing
you places where you‟d be the fourth
roommate living on a couch in the
hallway of a three bedroom in Bed-
Stuy.
TOMMY
(exhales deeply)
I guess I don‟t have much of a
choice, do I? I‟ll take it.
FEMALE REALTOR
Excellent, let‟s head back to the
office and get those papers signed.
The realtor leads Tommy toward the front door.
FEMALE REALTOR
You do have enough funds to pay
the broker‟s fee, right?
TOMMY
What‟s a broker‟s fee?
FEMALE REALTOR
You pay me the equivalent of first
month‟s rent for finding you this
place.
TOMMY
Wait? You get paid for finding
this place?
FEMALE REALTOR
Yes.
The realtor opens the front door and both of them walk out.
TOMMY
It‟s like everyone in New York has
their own little scam going.
EXT. – STREET OUTSIDE OF TOMMY‟S APARTMENT IN BAY RIDGE,

BROOKLYN – EVENING
Tommy is unloading the trunk of his Saturn and moving boxes

into his apartment. After moving a few boxes inside, he
takes a simple folding chair out along with a small 12 inch
TV and carries them both inside.
INT. – TOMMY‟S STUDIO APARTMENT
Tommy‟s new apartment is virtually empty with only a few

boxes stacked in one corner and an air mattress in another.
Tommy walks into the apartment and sets up his small TV on

a crate in the corner in the room, then he plugs it in and
turns it on.
Since he doesn‟t have cable yet, he has to play around with

the rabbit ears on the top of the TV until a signal finally
comes in, albeit a faint signal.
Once he gets the TV set up, Tommy sets up his folding

chair, which was leaning against the wall, in the middle of
the room.
Tommy walks over to the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of

root beer. Then he walks back over to the living room
area, sits down in the folding chair and takes a long sip
of his root beer.
He digs through a box next to the chair until he finds the

remote control for the TV. He flips through the channels
and finds that almost nothing comes in clear except for the
PBS station.
He stays on the PBS station and starts watching

“Masterpiece Theater.”
After about a minute of sitting silently watching PBS, he

hears a noise at the door so he gets up and walks over to
it.
Once at the door he notices that something has been slipped

under it.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Hmm, what is this?
Tommy bends down and sees that it‟s a Chinese take-out

menu.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Chinese. Yum!
After perusing the menu, Tommy decides to order dinner so

he grabs his cell phone from his pocket and calls them up.
TOMMY
Hi, I‟d like to order the number
10 with white rice and a ginger
ale.
LATER ON IN THE APARTMENT
Tommy is sitting on his folding chair, watching

“Masterpiece Theater” and eating out of a bucket of Chinese
food.
After several bites, Tommy‟s cell phone rings and he

fumbles around to answer it.
TOMMY
Hi mom!
(pauses to hear her response)
Yeah, yeah, it‟s great! I got
this awesome apartment and I‟m
just settling in right now.
(pauses to hear response)
Yeah, I got plenty of room here,
it‟s huge!
So far, so good. I got big plans,
I‟m going to check out the
neighborhood tonight, I think I
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
passed by a Barnes & Noble when
I drove in so I might go check it
out; you know grab a coffee inside
and find a book or two to read at
the café.
No, I‟m fine, you don‟t have to
worry, everything is wonderful.
Well mom, I have to go; I have
to get ready for tonight.
OK, I love you too mom. Bye!
Tommy hangs up the phone and just continues watching PBS as

he eats his Chinese food.
EXT. – 3rd AVENUE IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN
Tommy walks down the sidewalk and picks up a New York Times
outside of a bodega.
After he grabs his paper he walks into
INT. – ANAPOLI‟S DINER IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN
Tommy walks into an old school diner that doubles as an ice

cream parlor. The place maintains its charm from
yesteryear since it looks like it hasn‟t been updated in
decades.
An older, weathered waitress immediately approaches Tommy.
ANAPOLI‟S WAITRESS
Hey there honey…only one?
TOMMY
Yes.
You want inside or outside?
TOMMY
Inside is fine.
Well grab a table wherever you want.
TOMMY
OK, thank you.
Tommy takes a seat at a table towards the back of the

restaurant.
He opens up his Sunday New York Times and starts checking

out the headlines.
After briefly checking out the front section, he makes his

way to the Classifieds.
Before he gets a chance to check out the section, the

crusty old waitress approaches his table.
Hey honey, can I get you a coffee
or anything to start?
Tommy grabs the menu and quickly looks through it.
TOMMY
I‟ll take a root beer soda…and,
ummm, a bowl of cream of turkey
soup for now.
Sure thing honey.
As the waitress walks away, Tommy thumbs through the

Classifieds section carefully.
He scans all the help wanted ads until he comes to a vague

listing that piques his interest.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Hmmm, “If you would like to work
in a fast-paced, high energy
environment, then call us. You
will love what we can offer.”
Tommy takes a marker out of his pocket and circles the ad.
TOMMY (cont‟d)
This sounds promising. I might
have a winner here.
The waitress comes back and drops off his root beer and
bowl of soup.
Here you go sugar.
TOMMY
Thank you.
Tommy takes a few sips of his soup as he continues looking

at the Classifieds section.
INT. – HEADHUNTER‟S OFFICE IN HIGH-RISE BUILDING
LOBBY
Tommy sheepishly walks into a busy office lobby wearing a

very cheap-looking suit.
He approaches a desk in the middle of the lobby that is

being staffed by a stern-looking, older female SECRETARY.
HEADHUNTER‟S SECRETARY
(indifferently)
Can I help you?
Tommy fumbles through his pockets until he finds a crumbled

up note. He pulls the note out and looks at it.
TOMMY
Yes, ummm, I‟m here to meet with a
Mrs. Ford.
The secretary reaches for a clipboard and gives it to

Tommy.
OK, take a seat over there and fill
this form out completely on both
sides. You have a resume, right?
TOMMY
Oh yes, yes I do.
Good, then when you‟re finished
filling out the form, attach your
resume to the clipboard and bring
(MORE)
HEADHUNTER‟S SECRETARY (cont‟d)

it back up to me. Remember, fill
out both sides.
TOMMY
Thanks.
Tommy grabs the clipboard and takes a seat among the other
young, suit-clad recent college graduates that look much
sharper than him. He anxiously starts to fill out the form.
LATER ON
Tommy is still sitting anxiously in the lobby, nervously

shaking his leg.
Suddenly, the secretary shouts out to Tommy.
Thomas Parker.
Tommy stands up and approaches her desk.
TOMMY
Yes, ma‟am, that‟s me.
You‟re up. Head down the hall, Mrs.
Ford‟s office is the third door down
on the left.
TOMMY
Thank you ma‟am.
The secretary tries to hand him the clipboard with the

forms that he filled out previously.
Here, you‟ll need your forms.
Tommy accidentally drops the clipboard and, embarrassingly,

has to pick it up in front of everybody.
TOMMY
Ohhh, sorry.
Tommy slows walks down the

HALLWAY
And peeks into all the non-descript corporate offices as he

walks by them.
He finally comes to
MRS. FORD‟S OFFICE
And just stands in the doorway until she looks up from

behind her desk.
MRS. FORD
Well? What are you waiting for?
Get in here.
MRS. FORD is a hard-nosed, tough-looking middle-aged woman.

Her office and her desk is filled with paperwork and there
is an ever present cup of coffee sitting in front of her.
Tommy slowly walks into the office.
MRS. FORD
Have a seat kid.
TOMMY
Thank you ma‟am.
MRS. FORD
Ma‟am? Color me impressed? A boy
with manners. You must not be from
around here. Where you from?
Tommy takes a seat in front of Mrs. Ford‟s desk.
TOMMY
Lynchburg, Tennessee.
MRS. FORD
Ahhh yes, Lynchburg, Tennessee, home
of Jack Daniel‟s. I had a good time
with my friend, Jack, especially
during my first pregnancy. God, I
don‟t know how I would‟ve gotten
through that time in my life without
the comforting effects of Mr.
Daniel‟s. So I‟m assuming you‟re
not a complete fuck up and you
actually brought a resume, right?
TOMMY
(nervously)
Oh yes, it‟s right here.
MRS. FORD
You‟d be surprised how many morons
come in here without a resume.
They figure because they just
graduated college they don‟t need
a resume. Stupid, stupid kids.
Tommy grabs his resume off the clipboard and passes it to

Mrs. Ford.
MRS. FORD
Give me those forms you filled out
too, I just need to file all that
shit away.
Tommy passes the whole clipboard over to her as she takes a

quick look through his resume.
MRS. FORD
So what do you want to do in life?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, I figure I‟ll do whatever
you ask me to do.
MRS. FORD
Well how about you start by giving
me an idea of what you actually want
to do.
TOMMY
I want to work in a fast-paced,
high energy environment and it
sounds like this is the kind of
place that has that.
Mrs. Ford takes off her glasses and stares at Tommy in

disbelief.
MRS. FORD
Honey, do you know what we do
here?
TOMMY
No.
MRS. FORD
We‟re headhunters.
TOMMY
Oh that‟s nice.
MRS. FORD
Do you know what headhunters do?
TOMMY
No.
MRS. FORD
I try to set up people that are
looking for a job with potential
employers looking to hire. I get
you an interview with a real company
and you‟d interview with that company
for a real job. I‟m not looking to
hire you, I‟m interviewing you to
make sure you‟re not a fuck up and,
if you‟re not a fuck up, then it‟s
my responsibility to figure out what
type of job you‟d be most suitable
for. You get it?
TOMMY
Ohhh, I got it. You‟re a matchmaker.
MRS. FORD
Yes, yes, very good; I‟m a matchmaker.
Now, can we get down to business?
TOMMY
Sure.
MRS. FORD
How many words a minute can you type?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, I‟ve never been timed.
I‟d say 50 words per minutes. Is
that OK? It sounds OK, right?
MRS. FORD
It‟s not that great…but it could be
worse. I‟ve never heard of this
college you attended. What the
hell is it?
TOMMY
Ummm, it‟s called Middle Tennessee
State College, it was a small
college. We weren‟t that big,
but we did have a women‟s
volleyball team.
Mrs. Ford looks completely unimpressed as she continues

scanning his resume and additional paperwork.
MRS. FORD
Well you didn‟t even manage to
make decent grades at this shit
school you attended. What‟s up
with that?
TOMMY
I had to hold down two jobs while
in school just to pay my way through
college. I worked in the morning,
went to class, then worked at night
and on the weekends. And I was
able to maintain a C+ average
throughout my four years, so I‟m
proud of what I was able to do.
MRS. FORD
So I‟m assuming this is your first
time in New York City?
TOMMY
Yes ma‟am. I just moved up here
over the weekend.
MRS. FORD
And what do your parents do?
TOMMY
My dad owns a small general store
in the town square of downtown
Lynchburg. My mom is a librarian
at the local high school.
MRS. FORD
So let‟s see…you don‟t have any
idea what you want to do, you don‟t
have any family connections in this
city or in any industry that matters,
(MORE)
MRS. FORD (cont‟d)

you don‟t come from a top school,
the grades you did get aren‟t so
hot, you don‟t have any discernible
skills of any kind…
(looks up from the resume
and looks directly at him)
You should try advertising. It‟s
a wasteland for idiots, you should
fit right in.
TOMMY
(oblivious)
You think?
MRS. FORD
Sure.
TOMMY
Oh, thank you.
Mrs. Ford scribbles something on a post-it note.
MRS. FORD
I‟m going to hook you up with a
an interview at an advertising
agency.
(passes him the note)
Here, take this, call this phone
number first thing tomorrow morning.
It‟s a guy at an ad agency I know,
he‟ll be willing to interview you,
they‟re looking for a ton of entry
level hires. Lombardi & Hamilton,
it‟s a good agency, trust me.
TOMMY
Thanks ma‟am.
MRS. FORD
Now get the hell out of here, I‟m
busy.
Tommy stands up and walks to the door.
MRS. FORD
Oh and kid, don‟t fuck this up.
Remember what I said, you don‟t
(MORE)
MRS. FORD (cont‟d)

have much going for you so you
probably won‟t get a lot of chances.
Make the most of the chances you
do get.
TOMMY
Thanks for the good advice.
INT. – LOMBARDI & HAMILTON ADVERTISING AGENCY, OFFICE FLOOR
LOBBY
Tommy, who‟s wearing the same suit he had on at the

headhunter‟s office, is standing by the receptionist desk
in a quiet lobby area waiting for the interviewer to show
up.
The sweet, young African-American female RECEPTIONIST

notices that Tommy is sweating and shaking slightly.
RECEPTIONIST
Here for your first interview?
TOMMY
Yes, how did, how did you know?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh just a guess. The freshly pressed
suit, the “fresh-out-of college”
boyish looks, the beads of sweat
forming on your forehead. You kind
of stand out around here.
TOMMY
Ohh, sorry.
RECEPTIONIST
Don‟t be sorry. Everyone goes
through a first interview at some
point in life. Just relax and be
yourself. This is a fun place,
you‟d like it here.
All of a sudden, BRIAN, a gregarious, slightly overweight

man in his early 30‟s, comes rumbling into the lobby.
BRIAN
(to the receptionist)
What‟s up sugar?
(looks at Tommy)
What do we got here?
RECEPTIONIST
Brian, this is Tommy.
TOMMY
(shakes his hand)
Hi sir, I‟m Tommy.
BRIAN
What‟s going on dude, I‟m Brian.
I‟m an Associate Media Director
here but I double as one of the
head recruiters as well.
TOMMY
Nice to meet you sir.
BRIAN
Let‟s not waste any time, come
follow me back to my office.
The two walk out of the lobby and into the
HALLWAY
Brian passes by several co-workers as they walk down the

hallway.
Brian gives a guy big high-five as he walks by him.
BRIAN
Big Ron, what it is!?! Gimme some.
Brian then sees a fellow male co-worker in the distance

down the hallway and shouts out to him.
BRIAN
Hey Peter, my man! Did you fuck
that skank last night? That bitch
was all over your balls at PJ
Clarke‟s as I was leaving.
PETER, a young handsome guy in his mid-twenties, walks up

to Brian and gives him a handshake.
PETER
Nahh man, that bitch was cold as
ice. She was all tease, no sleaze.
BRIAN
Sorry to hear that man.
PETER
That‟s OK, easy come, easy go.
BRIAN
Unfortunately in this case it wasn‟t
easy come.
PETER
You got that right.
Brian continues walking with Tommy. He passes another male

co-worker and pats him on his stomach..
BRIAN
Beers tonight, right? 7 o‟clock,
Sutton Place? I‟ll be there.
Then Brian walks by JOHN, the mail guy on the floor, who‟s
pushing a mail cart down the hallway.
BRIAN
Johnny. You got my mail?
JOHN
Yeah, it‟s in here somewhere.
John stops in front of the mail cart and looks through it

briefly.
JOHN
What are you looking for?
BRIAN
This month‟s Hustler. I just want
to make sure you‟re not holding out
on me again.
JOHN
Bro, it‟s in here, I‟ll deliver it
later.
BRIAN
Good, I‟ll need something to whack
off to later tonight after the wife
denies me pussy again.
Tommy looks mortified as he stands behind Brian.
JOHN
Bro, too much information. You‟ll
get your magazine.
BRIAN
Thanks man. I‟ll check ya later
player.
Brian leads Tommy into his office.
BRIAN‟S OFFICE
Brian immediately gets comfortable behind his desk.
BRIAN
Please, grab a seat.
Tommy sits down in front of his desk.
TOMMY
Thank you.
BRIAN
So, how you doing?
TOMMY
I‟m good.
BRIAN
Interviewing sucks, doesn‟t it.
TOMMY
(laughs nervously)
It does.
BRIAN
(smiles)
Don‟t‟ worry, I‟ll take it easy
on you.
(pause)
So I understand you were referred
here by Thelma Ford?
TOMMY
That‟s correct sir.
BRIAN
Not bad for a cougar, right?
TOMMY
(confused)
Pardon me, sir?
BRIAN
You know, yeah sure she‟s got
some mileage on her but you can
tell that that woman partied back
in the day. Not a bad rack either,
right?
TOMMY
It you say so sir.
Tommy carefully takes out a resume from his folder and

passes it to Brian.
TOMMY
I brought my resume, here it is
sir.
BRIAN
Great thanks.
(rips up the resume)
Now watch as I rip this up and put
it in my circular file.
(throws it away)
Look, you‟re interviewing for an
entry level job. Assuming you
graduated college, which you must
have since you made it past the
headhunter, I don‟t give a fuck
about your resume. What kind of
resume could a kid like you possibly
have?
TOMMY
Well I held two jobs in college…
Brian interrupts him and pretends like he didn‟t even hear

him.
BRIAN
At this level, what I care about
most is personality. This is a
very social job in a very social
industry, so you gotta be cool.
You can‟t be a wallflower or some
geek off the street. I‟m looking
for someone with some edge to
them. Are you cool?
TOMMY
I‟d like to think I am. I have a
bunch of friends back home.
BRIAN
Let me explain to you what it is
we do here. You know, everyone
thinks they know about advertising,
they see the commercials on the TV,
ads in magazines and they think,
“shit, that‟s cool.” But when you
mention media planning to them,
they‟re like, “what the hell is
that.” Well all those cool ads you
see on the TV, in magazines, on the
web don‟t plan and place themselves;
you wouldn‟t see them if it wasn‟t
for us. We‟re the ones that plan what
media vehicles our advertisers should
be in and we place where the ads
should be seen. You know, MTV vs.
Fox News; Better Homes & Gardens
vs. Sports Illustrated. You get it?
TOMMY
Yeah, it sounds interesting.
BRIAN
It‟s actually more interesting than
that, but I just wanted to give you
the brief synopsis because I‟m
hungover as shit today.
TOMMY
Are you often hungover at work?
BRIAN
No. Sometimes I‟m just straight up
(MORE)
BRIAN (cont‟d)
drunk.
(pause)
Let me drill down to what this job
is really about…it‟s about numbers,
simple math, percentages. Let‟s say
you and I went to Robert‟s Steakhouse
in the Penthouse Club one night.
We go to see some titties, get a
lap dance or two and eat a big
fat steak. So we order our steaks
and red wine and the bill comes…
it‟s $300. Let‟s say we wanted
to be cheap because the service
sucked and the women weren‟t that
attractive so we left a 15% tip.
How much did we leave?
Tommy thinks about the answer for a few seconds, fearful

that he might get it wrong because he‟s so nervous.
TOMMY
$45.
BRIAN
Congratulations, you got it. That‟s
basically the fundamentals of media
planning. Percentages.
(pause)
Now let me explain the really fun
part of media planning. You get a
lot of free shit. It‟s almost like
some perverse racket. Sales reps
will be dying to take you out all
the time. Steakhouses, 5-star sushi
restaurants, drinks, baseball games,
spending sprees at Bloomingdales,
custom-made Nikes, you name it.
You also hang with clients and go
places with them. But we don‟t do
that much ass kissing, that‟s what
account management is are for. We
usually get our asses kissed. And
when you‟re not hanging with sales
reps or clients, you‟ll be hanging
out with your fellow co-workers.
There are so many young people around
here. Look at me, I‟m 32 years old,
(MORE)
BRIAN (cont‟d)
but I‟m a fossil, I‟m old news.
Almost everyone is in their early
to late twenties. In fact we‟re
hiring a class of 50 assistants,
new college graduates just like
your, believe me it‟s going to be
just like high school around here
in a few weeks once we fill all the
open positions. So if you wanna get
drunk, get laid and make some awesome
friends in the process, then this
is the place for you.
TOMMY
Wait, get laid sir?
BRIAN
Sure, when you leave my office walk
around the floor, check out the
cube farm. Notice all the moist,
young girls sitting around just
dying to get fucked by the new guy.
You can see it in their seductive
eyes. The sexual tension around
here is off the charts. Thursday
nights at Connelly‟s downstairs is
like an orgy, trust me. You like
what you hear so far?
Tommy‟s having a difficult time taking in everything that

Brian is telling him.
TOMMY
Ummm, yeah. It sounds good.
BRIAN
Truthfully, this agency is on such
a roll right now, we just need to
hire bodies. This isn‟t brain
surgery, we‟re not curing cancer,
although some people around here
think they are, we‟re planning media.
We‟re corrupting kids and convincing
old people to spend their social
security checks on shit they don‟t
need. If you‟re cool, you‟re in.
If you‟re not, then go get a job
(MORE)
BRIAN (cont‟d)
in insurance with the rest of
society‟s losers.
TOMMY
No sir, I‟m cool, I‟m cool.
Brian stares at Tommy for a moment, then slowly looks him

up and down as he tries to figure out if he‟ll make a good
hire.
BRIAN
OK, congratulations, you‟re hired.
(shakes Tommy‟s hand)
You can start on Monday.
Tommy is pacing around his living room while in the middle

of a phone conversation with his mom.
TOMMY
Yeah I‟m really excited. The
gentleman I interviewed with
certainly was a character but he
made the place seem like a lot of
fun.
(listens to his mom talk)
I don‟t really know what I‟ll be
doing, it‟s something called media
planning, when I figure out what
exactly it is I‟ll let you know.
But it is at an advertising agency.
No I‟ll be fine, I‟ll figure it
out. Just because I don‟t know
what the job entails doesn‟t mean
I‟m not qualified or I won‟t know
what to do when I settle in.
It‟s an entry level job, they‟ll
teach me. I feel like I‟m going
to learn a lot there.
Yeah, I‟m looking forward to Monday.
Thanks mom, I love you too. Bye.
Tommy hangs up his cell phone. Then he walks over to his

refrigerator, grabs a root beer, sits down on his couch and
starts flipping through the TV channels.
INT. – LOMBARDI & HAMILTON, OFFICE FLOOR
LOBBY
Tommy, who‟s wearing a crisp shirt and tie, is sitting

patiently in the lobby. He‟s fidgeting and is clearly
nervous.
Brian rumbles into the lobby and approaches Tommy.
BRIAN
There‟s my guy! Welcome aboard
Tommy!
Brian gives him a firm handshake as Tommy stands up to

greet him.
TOMMY
Thanks sir, I‟m glad to be here.
BRIAN
You ready to have fun?
TOMMY
Yes sir, I‟m ready to get to work.
BRIAN
Well let‟s go, let me introduce
you to the boys you‟ll be working
with.
Brian leads him out of the lobby and into
AN OFFICE AREA
That looks like a large cube farm.
Brian walks him over to a small cube that‟s going to be his

work station.
BRIAN
Here‟s your workstation Tommy.
Get settled in, turn on your
computer, log on and shit, and
(MORE)
BRIAN (cont‟d)
set up your voicemail. Your
passwords and log in info
should all be on that piece
of paper on your desk. I‟ll
send over the boys in a few
minutes. I‟m sure they‟ll
quickly become your new best
friends.
TOMMY
Ohh, I hope so. I‟m looking
forward to making some new friends
in the city.
Brian looks at his watch and realizes he‟s late for a

meeting.
BRIAN
Oh shit, I gotta run. I‟m
interviewing this girl that was
a Delta Gamma at the University
of Georgia. Basically if this
chick can spell the word cat,
she‟s got the job. You know what
I mean? Anyways, I hope you enjoy
it hear. If you have any questions
don‟t hesitate to give me a call or
stop by my office.
Brian rushes away as Tommy sits down in his cube and gets
comfortable.
He opens up his bag, takes out a family photo of him and

his parents and sets it up on his desk.
Then he takes out a framed photo of him and his dog and
sets it up on the other side of his desk.
As he turns on his computer, three guys in their mid-

twenties approach his cube from behind. All three are
handsome looking, clean cut guys in their mid to late
twenties.
DAVE is the first to speak up.
DAVE
Hey this must be the fucking new
guy.
A startled Tommy jumps from his chair and immediately turns

around to acknowledge the three guys.
TOMMY
Oh hey guys.
DAVE
You‟re Tommy right?
TOMMY
Yes.
DAVE
(shakes his hand)
I‟m Dave. These other two retards
are Bill and Ryan.
BILL and RYAN both shake Tommy‟s hand.
TOMMY
Nice to meet you all.
BILL
So where you from Tommy?
TOMMY
Tennessee.
BILL
Ahhh nice, we‟ve got a good ole
southern boy on the team now.
DAVE
Very nice.
TOMMY
Where are you guys from?
DAVE
I‟m from Baltimore.
RYAN
I‟m a New Englander.
BILL
And I‟m repping Detroit.
TOMMY
Oh, so not one native New Yorker
among the four of us? That‟s
weird.
DAVE
Yeah, not really. You tend to
find a lot of non-New Yorkers
in advertising. I don‟t even
know why.
RYAN
It‟s just one of those industries
that attract people from out-of-
state. Advertising is a lot like
Finance or Fashion, it‟s an industry
that brings young people in from
all over the country, like us.
DAVE
Yeah they enter advertising for
one of two reasons – either they‟re
entranced by the supposed glamour
of the business or they have no
idea what the fuck to do once they
get to New York. I feel bad for
the ones that actually believed,
even for a moment, that advertising
is glamorous.
BILL
Yeah there‟s no glamour here. It‟s
long hours, late nights punctuated
with cold pizza. No credit is ever
given where it‟s due. We deal with
a lot of egomaniacs with an inflated
sense of self-importance, it‟s
weekends in the office and it‟s
excel spreadsheets, a lot of them.
RYAN
If I‟m forced to eat another cold
pizza for lunch I‟m gonna straight
up murder somebody.
TOMMY
This all sounds very interesting.
DAVE
It kind of is, in a bizarre way.
Well, we‟d love to stay longer and
chat some more but the three of
us have to get to a meeting that
we‟re already late for. We‟ll
catch up with you later.
As the three guys walk away, Dave turns back around and
enters Tommy‟s cube.
DAVE
Ohh, one last thing.
Dave grabs a pair of scissors from a bunch of supplies

sitting on Tommy‟s desk and cuts off Tommy‟s tie at the
knot.
DAVE (cont‟d)
We‟re not middle school teachers,
you don‟t need to wear a tie around
here.
TOMMY
(shocked)
Ohh, OK.
INT. – LOMBARDI & HAMILTON, CAFETERIA
Tommy walks into the large company cafeteria that is filled

with long tables packed with fellow employees. He walks
around the room and surveys the scene.
TOMMY (V.O.)
The first sign that Lombardi &
Hamilton was no different than
high school was lunch time on my
first day at the company cafeteria.
Now granted I didn‟t go to a big
high school, my graduating class was
slightly under 40 people. But this
is actually what I envisioned a real
high school to be like from all
those movies I‟ve seen. The Jewish
people mainly hung out with other
Jewish people. The gentiles ate
with other gentiles. The two black
people in the office ate together
(MORE)
TOMMY (V.O.) (cont‟d)

at their own little table. Also,
there was a definite, but unspoken,
caste system in place. Assistants
and planners would eat with each
other. Supervisors mainly ate with
other supervisors, but occasionally
would eat with their directors too;
but Vice-Presidents would never be
caught dead eating with anyone that
wasn‟t at least a Vice-President.
They spent most of their time
kissing up to management. The
assistants and planners didn‟t
care. They just wanted to have
fun, they really weren‟t into the
office politics.
Tommy takes a tray, grabs a pre-made sandwich from the deli

counter and stands in line to pay.
After paying, he walks slowly through the seating area to

find a place to sit.
Within a few seconds, Dave calls out to him to get his

attention.
DAVE
Tommy…TOMMY!
Tommy notices Dave sitting at a table with Bill and Ryan so

he heads over to them.
DAVE
Come on man, come over and take a
seat with us.
Tommy sits down at their table.
TOMMY
How‟s it going guys?
BILL
Good, how‟s your first day?
TOMMY
It‟s been OK.
BILL
It‟s weird isn‟t it? Your first
day at a real job.
TOMMY
It definitely is. I‟ve never
worked in corporate America before,
it feels funny.
BILL
Yeah, you‟ll get used to it. But
it is weird at first.
RYAN
I remember my first day at my
first real job. I was working at
Morgan Stanley, the investment
firm. I was charged with making
sure the coffee stayed hot all
day long and getting my boss‟s
dry cleaning, everyday. I swear
that man must‟ve gone through
four shirt a day for some reason.
DAVE
Don‟t worry Tommy, we won‟t make
you do anything like that.
BILL
Except you will be going on the
occasional beer run when we have
to work late.
DAVE
That‟s true, it‟s called “paying
your dues.”
RYAN
At least we‟ll let you drink the
beer though.
DAVE
So Tommy, what do you think about
the cafeteria?
TOMMY
(innocently)
The food looks pretty good.
DAVE
No, I mean the people here.
TOMMY
Ohh…I dunno.
DAVE
Most of these people in here are
tools.
BILL
Fucking jackasses, more like it.
DAVE
I mean, look at that jerkoff over
there.
A nerdy looking employee is standing in the middle of the

cafeteria, talking to a much older executive.
He‟s obviously fake laughing at some of the things the

executive is saying to him.
DAVE (cont‟d)
All this kid does all day long is
kiss fucking ass. He thinks it gets
him somewhere, but it doesn‟t. His
ass kissing is so obvious, and so
ridiculous, no one respects him.
Not the kids that report to him,
not his counterparts on other
accounts, not even upper management
and they usually love anyone that
tells them how great and brilliant
they are, even though they‟re a
bunch of fucking morons.
BILL
And those girls over there.
Bill looks over to a table with four very attractive

females in their mid-twenties.
BILL (cont‟d)
Those are the girls you want to
befriend…and by befriend, I mean
fuck.
RYAN
They‟ve collectively taken on more
dick than Jasmine St. Claire and
Houston put together.
DAVE
Yeah but watch out, if you do get
lucky with one of them, make sure
you double bag that shit.
(looks at Bill)
You know our boy Mikey in accounting?
BILL
Yeah.
DAVE
He nailed the girl on the right after
last year‟s Christmas party.
BILL
Wow, you know you‟re a whore when you
start fucking the dudes in accounting
too.
DAVE
Well not only did Mikey fuck her, but
he proceeded to get a bad case of
crabs too.
BILL
OK, so don‟t fuck the girl on the
right Tommy.
RYAN
Or just get a blowjob.
BILL
Yeah, just get a blowjob from her.
In fact, fuck it, next time we‟re
out together I‟m gonna get her to
suck me off.
DAVE
So Tommy, you hang with us and we‟ll
show you how to survive around here.
BILL
(to Tommy)
You like to get fucked up?
TOMMY
(confused)
Fucked up?
BILL
Yeah, you know, basically drink
until you blackout, then drink
some more until you puke. Then
drink some more until you pass
out.
TOMMY
I‟m not that big of a drinker.
RYAN
You‟re shitting me, right? What
kind of 22 year old doesn‟t drink?
TOMMY
I drink, but not that much. I
come from Moore county in Tennessee.
It‟s a dry county. It wasn‟t easy
for us to find alcohol.
RYAN
God, I can‟t even imagine living
in a dry county. How‟d you do it?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, truthfully it wasn‟t
that difficult. I guess “out of
sight, out of mind.”
RYAN
You‟re a better man than me.
DAVE
Well regardless, Tommy, you‟re
coming out with us Thursday.
TOMMY
What‟s going on Thursday?
DAVE
Nothing major, just a bunch of
agency people are going out to
this bar, Black Bear Lodge, with
one of our sales rep. We‟re
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
going to blow off some steam,
rage and get fucked up. The
usual shit we do on a Thursday
night.
BILL
And the best thing about it is
the sales rep picks up the whole
tab. We don‟t have to open our
wallets at any point.
Tommy is desperate to fit in and make new friends so, while

he might be out of his element, he quickly agrees to go.
TOMMY
I‟m in. Count me in.
DAVE
Great. I can guarantee you, you‟ll
have an awesome time.
TOMMY
I hope I do.
INT. – BLACK BEAR LODGE, GRAMERCY
Dave, Bill, Ryan and Tommy are hanging out with several
other male and female co-workers at the bar of a Gramercy
lounge.
They are also hanging out with a couple of well-groomed,

well-dressed sales reps from GQ.
BILL
Guys, let‟s do another round of
Surfer on Acid shots.
RYAN
Yeah, let‟s do it. Phil, another
round.
Dave pats his GQ sales rep, PHIL, on the back so that he

turns around.
DAVE
Phil, I wanna introduce you to our
new boy. This is Tommy. Tommy
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
this is Phil, our GQ rep, and an
all around good guy to know.
Phil shakes Tommy‟s hand.
PHIL
Tommy, good to meet you.
TOMMY
Nice to meet you sir.
DAVE
Tommy‟s been with us a whole four
days.
PHIL
Great, welcome aboard. I look
forward to working with you.
DAVE
Phil here is a good man. We‟ve
had a lot of fun over the years.
RYAN
Yeah, we do this golf scramble with
him every year in August that‟s
reached legendary status.
BILL
Nothing like playing Pelham in
90 degree weather with 30 other
sweaty, drunken, stoned guys.
PHIL
Ahh yes, it is a good time.
Bill grabs a bunch of shots from the bar and passes them
around.
BILL
Surfer on Acid shots, coming around!
Tommy grabs a shot and looks at Dave.
TOMMY
What‟s in these shots?
DAVE
What?
TOMMY
(talks louder)
What‟s in these shots?
DAVE
I dunno, I think there‟s like jaeger
in this or some shit. I don‟t even
know but it takes great.
BILL
Cheers fuckers!
Everyone downs their shot. Immediately afterwards, Dave

puts his arm around Tommy‟s shoulder.
DAVE
So, you liking it tonight?
TOMMY
Sure, I guess.
DAVE
You having fun?
TOMMY
Definitely.
DAVE
Good, we do this type of shit four
times a week during the workweek.
We usually take Mondays off.
RYAN
Yeah, if God took a day off from
creating the Earth, we feel like
we should take a day off from
drinking.
DAVE
So you down? You ready to hang
with the big boys?
TOMMY
I think I am.
DAVE
Good, I think you‟ll enjoy the
ride.
SARAH, one of the attractive girls in her mid-twenties that

was sitting at the lunchroom table the other day, drunkenly
approaches the guys.
BILL
Speaking of rides.
She drapes herself on Dave while spilling a bit of her

drink every time she moves.
She looks Tommy up and down.
SARAH
Sooo, who‟s this guy Dave?
DAVE
Sarah, this is Tommy.
SARAH
Ohh, so this is the fucking new
guy, huh?
DAVE
And Tommy, this is Sarah.
Tommy innocently sticks out his hand to shake hers.
TOMMY
It‟s a pleasure to meet you Sarah.
SARAH
Likewise.
Sarah licks her lips while continuing to look Tommy up and

down.
SARAH
You‟re cute.
(looks at Dave)
Dave, he‟s cute.
DAVE
Yeah, he‟s got that nice innocent
look to him that the ladies like.
TOMMY
Thanks.
Sarah suddenly grabs Tommy‟s crotch, which completely

shocks him.
SARAH
Hey Tommy, why don‟t you come over
here and play Big Buck Hunter with
me.
Sarah grabs Tommy‟s hand and drags him away. Tommy looks
back to the guys with a frightened look on his face.
Bill puts his arm around Dave‟s shoulder.
BILL
Wow, only four days into the job,
and the kid is already stepping
up into the major leagues.
RYAN
I hope he knows what he‟s getting
into.
BILL
He doesn‟t, that‟s what makes it
so fun.
DAVE
Ahhh, the kid will be OK. I like
him.
BILL
Yeah, I like him too.
Sarah leads Tommy right into
THE UNISEX BATHROOM
As soon as Sarah gets him in the bathroom she immediately

starts making out with him.
Tommy stiffens up as he gets all tense and nervous. He

just lets her kiss him and doesn‟t reciprocate.
After a few seconds, Sarah moves away and tries to comfort

Tommy to relax him.
SARAH
Tommy, relax. Enjoy it, we‟re going
to have fun.
TOMMY
I…I…I‟ve just never done this before,
in a bathroom.
SARAH
You know new guy, you need to loosen
up.
TOMMY
(nervously)
I think I‟m pretty loose already.
SARAH
Nah, I think you could be looser.
and I know just the trick.
Sarah rubs Tommy‟s stomach over his shirt then suddenly

gets down on her knees.
She unbuckles his belt, pulls down his pants and begins
blowing him.
Tommy has no idea how to act so he just stands there with

his hands behind his back, tensing up and wincing in a
mixture of pain and unexpected pleasure.
TOMMY
Ohh, golly gee! Golly, golly gee!
I can‟t, I can‟t believe this.
Sarah rubs her hands up under his shirt.
SARAH
Tell me you like it Tommy, tell me
you like it!
TOMMY
Oh, Ohh, I do. I do!!!
Tommy moans and finishes only several seconds after Sarah

begins blowing him.
Sarah, surprised that he already finished, looks up at him.

SARAH
That‟s it? You‟re already done?
TOMMY
Sorry. I wasn‟t expecting this.
I guess I was too excited.
SARAH
No that‟s OK, it happens.
Sarah stands up, looks at herself in the mirror and fixes

her skirt.
Then she looks over to Tommy and fixes his hair.
SARAH
You are cute though. Let‟s get
back to the group.
IN THE BAR
Tommy emerges from the bathroom and walks back over to the
guys.
He looks disheveled – his shirt is halfway untucked and his

hair is still messy.
RYAN
Shit man, what happened to you?
TOMMY
I…I…I don‟t even know for sure.
BILL
Well whatever happened it looks
like you just saw god.
TOMMY
I guess you could say that.
Dave slams his empty beer bottle down on the bar.
DAVE
Well guys, I‟m fucked up. I‟m
going home.
BILL
Yeah, me too; I‟m out.
DAVE
Tommy, where do you live?
TOMMY
Bay Ridge.
DAVE
You going to be OK to get home?
TOMMY
I‟m sure I will.
DAVE
How you getting back?
TOMMY
Taking the subway.
RYAN
Whoa, really?
BILL
That‟s a hike.
DAVE
Are you sure you don‟t want to take
a taxi? It‟s far away.
TOMMY
Who has money for a taxi? I‟m an
assistant.
RYAN
I hear that, we were all there
ourselves at one point.
TOMMY
I‟ll be fine.
INT. – R TRAIN
Tommy is dead asleep in a nearly empty car of the R train.
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR (O.S.)

Last stop coming up, Coney Island.
Folks this train is going back to
the rail yard after Coney Island
and will be out of service.
(MORE)
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR (O.S.) (cont‟d)

Please make sure you collect all
your personal items and exit the
train at Coney Island. Once again
last stop, Coney Island.
Tommy is awoken by the loud voice of the Conductor over the

intercom.
He‟s in a daze and looks around the subway car to get his
bearings.
The train comes into the station and stops at the platform.
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR (O.S.)

Coney Island, last stop.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Coney Island?!?
(pause)
Fuck.
Tommy sits down in his seat and falls back asleep. After
several seconds the SUBWAY CONDUCTOR, an older African-
American gentleman, walks into the train car.
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR
Hey pal, let‟s go, last stop.
After no response from Tommy, the conductor walks over and

shakes him to wake him up.
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR
Come on buddy. Last stop. You
have to get off the train.
TOMMY
(dazed)
I do?
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR
Yes you do, let‟s go.
TOMMY
Where should I go?
SUBWAY CONDUCTOR
I don‟t know, but you can‟t stay
here; this train is going back to
the rail yard.
TOMMY
OK, I‟ll go.
Tommy stands up slowly and stumbles out of the train.
EXT. – CONEY ISLAND SUBWAY PLATFORM - NIGHT
Tommy stumbles across the subway platform and slowly climbs

down the stairway.
EXT. – CONEY ISLAND, ASTROLAND - NIGHT
Tommy walks past the Cyclone and through an aisle of closed

down carnival game stands.
It‟s very dark and eerily silent in the area. Suddenly,

four THUGS in their twenties come out of nowhere and
surround Tommy.
HEAD THUG
Hey snowflake, whatcha doin‟ in
our territory?
TOMMY
I don‟t know.
HEAD THUG
Ohhh, you don‟t know? Maybe my
boy over here should punch you in
the head to get your memory straight.
TOMMY
I don‟t think that‟s necessary.
Tommy looks all four thugs up and down.
TOMMY (cont‟d)
Hey, who are you guys? It‟s pretty
late at night, isn‟t it?
HEAD THUG
Fuck you, we‟re the Coney Island
Assassins.
TOMMY
Wow, that sounds a little menacing.
THUG #2
Give us your wallet.
TOMMY
(shocked)
What?
HEAD THUG
Are you hard of hearing too?
The thug takes a knife out and shows it to Tommy.
HEAD THUG (cont‟d)

Give us your wallet.
TOMMY
Fine.
As his hands shake profusely, Tommy reaches into his

pocket, grabs his wallet and hands it over to the main
thug.
HEAD THUG
Aight, get out of here now.
Without hesitating, Tommy runs away.
Once he‟s gone, the thugs look through Tommy‟s wallet and
only find a coupon for a free McDonald‟s coffee, a few
receipts, an already scratched off lottery card and no
money.
HEAD THUG
Son-of-a-bitch!
THUG #3
Hey maybe next time we scout out
the streets around Park Avenue,
instead of wasting our time mugging
20 year old fools in Coney Island.
HEAD THUG
Shut the fuck up, let‟s roll out
of here.
The thugs begin to walk away.

EXT. – CONEY ISLAND, BOARDWALK - NIGHT
Tommy is running along the Boardwalk.
TOMMY (V.O.)
That was close. Luckily I didn‟t
lose anything of value – my credit
card is at home, my driver‟s license
is in my other pocket and my money…
Well I don‟t have any money, I‟m
an assistant.
Tommy stops running and walks onto
EXT. – CONEY ISLAND BEACH - NIGHT
He walks across the beach, down to the shoreline and looks

out across the ocean.
After taking in the scene for a bit, Tommy walks halfway up

the beach and sits down on the sand.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Ahhh, I can‟t believe I‟m here,
after all these years of dreaming,
I‟m finally here in New York City.
A small town boy like myself is
sitting on Coney Island beach,
enjoying the cool air ocean breezes.
looking up at the stars in the
skies.
Tommy looks up at the sky but can‟t see any stars because
of all the New York City lights.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Ahhh, this is the life.
Tommy puts his hands behind his head, lays back on his back
and looks up at the sky. After a few seconds he
accidentally falls asleep again.
EXT. – CONEY ISLAND BEACH – MORNING
Tommy, still fully dressed from the night before, is still

laying on the beach asleep, he‟s the only one on the beach.
He‟s finally woken up by the bright sun shining down on

him.
Dazed, Tommy looks down at his watch and sees that it‟s 8am
in the morning.
TOMMY
Fuck!
Tommy quickly gathers his composure, stands up and runs off

the beach.
INT. – GAP STORE, MANHATTAN
Disheveled, Tommy enters a Gap Store in Midtown Manhattan

by work.
He‟s immediately greeted by a cheery, cute, female Gap

employee.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Good morning sir, how are you today?
TOMMY
Terrible.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Can I help you with anything?
TOMMY
OK, here‟s the deal. It‟s my first
week of work at my first real job
in life and I‟m trying to make a
good impression. However, I got
really drunk last night, I passed
out on Coney Island beach, I‟m
already 15 minutes late to work and
I don‟t want to show up wearing the
Same clothes that I wore yesterday.
So I need to get some new clothes,
fast, but I don‟t have that much
money.
GAP EMPLOYEE
I completely understand sir.
TOMMY
I just care about my outward
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
appearance today, I don‟t need an
undershirt or boxers, I‟ll wear
the same thing I wore yesterday.
Actually I don‟t even need a new
pair of khakis, hell they all look
the same anyways, I just need a
new shirt.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Of course, no problem. Let me
show you to our men‟s shirts.
Tommy follows the employee to the men‟s department.
TOMMY
I‟m so embarrassed.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Ohh come on, don‟t be silly, you‟ll
be surprised how many guys such as
yourself come in here first thing
in the morning looking for new
clothes to wear to work.
TOMMY
Really?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Sure, how do you think we‟ve stayed
in business all these years?
Naturally most guys have a much more
interesting story from the night
before than “passing out on Coney
Island beach,” but you‟re young,
I‟m sure you‟ll learn your lesson.
TOMMY
(laughs)
Ha, cute!
The employee stops in front of a long rack of men‟s shirts.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Well, here you go. Do you want to
try on anything to make sure it
fits?
TOMMY
I wish I could, but I‟m so late,
I gotta just grab something and
run. I can‟t even make small talk
with you as much as I‟d like to.
GAP EMPLOYEE
OK, I understand. Let‟s get you
a shirt then.
The employee looks quickly through the rack, grabs a blue

shirt, puts it against Tommy‟s chest and looks at it.
GAP EMPLOYEE (cont‟d)

This shirt is nice, I love how the
blue accentuates your eyes.
Tommy looks at the employee, he‟s clearly smitten with her

but he‟s also worried that he‟s late so he just takes the
shirt and rushes out.
TOMMY
Great, I‟ll take it! Thanks.
Hopefully we‟ll run into each other
again one day.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Yeah, I‟d like that.
INT. – LOMBARDI & HAMILTON OFFICE FLOOR
MEN‟S BATHROOM
Tommy is putting on his newly bought shirt and sees in the

mirror that it‟s ridiculously tight.
As much as he tries, he can hardly even button it up.

After a while he gets flustered and gives up.
TOMMY
Shit, shit, shit. What the hell
am I gonna do?
Tommy stares at himself in the mirror as he thinks.
TOMMY
Fuck it, I‟ll just go unbuttoned.
Tommy collects his things and exits the bathroom.
TOMMY‟S CUBE
Tommy is sitting at his desk clearly hung over, his head is

being propped up by his hand and he looks like he could
fall asleep at any time.
Suddenly, Dave walks into his cube and drops a bag of

McDonald‟s next to him on the desk. The noise startles
Tommy.
Bill and Ryan follow Dave into the cube.
DAVE
Wake up sleepy head.
BILL
Damn, you look like shit.
TOMMY
Thanks.
BILL
Don‟t worry, you‟ll get used to
this lifestyle. Work hard, play
hard.
TOMMY
Jesus, where have you guys been?
I was running late and rushed to
get into work only to notice that
I was here by myself for at least
20 minutes before anyone else got
in. I was so worried I was going
to be late.
BILL
Dude, no one gets in here before
10 o‟clock on Fridays.
RYAN
I thought you knew that?
TOMMY
I wish I did. So what‟s in the
bag?
DAVE
Only the greatest hangover food
known to mankind.
Dave opens up the bag, takes our four McGriddle sandwiches

and passes them out to everyone.
DAVE (cont‟d)
McGriddle sandwiches!
RYAN
They‟re like a little slice of
grease heaven.
As the guys dig into their sandwiches, Bill notices how

tight Tommy‟s shirt is on him.
BILL
Jesus Tommy, what the fuck did you
do to your shirt?
RYAN
Did you leave it in the dryer too
long or did you actually buy that
shirt when you were twelve?
TOMMY
(laughs)
Ha, no. Long story, long, boring
story fellas.
DAVE
OK, spare us the details.
BILL
But don‟t spare us the details about
last night.
DAVE
(excited)
Ohhh yeah, tell us what happened
with Sarah in the bathroom.
TOMMY
(shyly)
Ohh, I don‟t know guys. I don‟t
really like to talk about this kind
of stuff.
BILL
Stop being a pussy Tommy.
RYAN
Yeah, just tell us.
TOMMY
I just want to keep some stuff to
myself.
DAVE
Tommy, this is what we do. We‟re
guys, we gather together on Friday
morning to relive all the outlandish
stories from the night before.
It‟s our little ritual, it‟s what
makes going to work a little more
bearable. So please, humor us.
TOMMY
Alright, you know what, fuck it.
That girl Sarah took me right in
the bathroom, got on her knees and
sucked my fucking dick.
BILL
I knew it!
Bill high fives Ryan in celebration.
TOMMY
It was awesome.
BILL
Not only did our boy get blown, but
he‟s using the “F” word now too.
RYAN
Our little boy is all grown up now.
BILL
I‟m so proud.
Dave high fives Tommy.
DAVE
We‟re all so proud. Alright,
congratulations my man! It took
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
me three weeks from my start date
to get blown by Sarah.
RYAN
Our boy Tommy must be on the
accelerated program, who knew?
BILL
Nah, nah, it‟s always the quiet
ones.
DAVE
So how was it? I‟m curious if
she‟s learned any new tricks in
the past few years.
TOMMY
It was good, I liked it. She
twisted my balls as she blew me,
I thought that was a nice touch.
BILL
That‟s good, I like when the girl
plays with the balls.
RYAN
Yeah, so many girls forget about
them. It‟s mindboggling, I mean
they‟re right there just looking
to be touched, looking for some
company. But yet most girls pay
them no mind.
DAVE
Ahh, fuck it. Tommy, anyways,
congratulations.
Dave, Bill and Ryan all shake Tommy‟s hand.
DAVE (cont‟d)
Lunch today. We‟re going to drink
some wine to sober up from last
night.
TOMMY
Is that OK to do?
DAVE
Sure, it‟s Friday.
TOMMY
OK then, I‟m in.
DAVE
We‟ll check you later.
Dave, Bill and Ryan all walk out of the cube.
INT. – SAM‟S ITALIAN RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN EAST
Tommy, Dave, Bill and Ryan are sitting around a table in a

small, old school-looking Italian restaurant.
DAVE
Tommy, you should feel special,
this is our secret hole-in-the-wall
hideaway, no one knows about this
place. Not our bosses, not our
reps, not even our co-workers.
We‟re very particular about who
we tell about this place.
RYAN
You tell the wrong person about
this place, then the next thing
you know, it becomes infested
with reps and an assortment of
other people we don‟t ever want
to see when we just want to chill
out and relax during work hours.
BILL
So just promise us that you won‟t
tell anyone about this place.
TOMMY
Ohh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I promise.
BILL
Good boy, this is serious, so we
expect you to honor your promise.
TOMMY
Sure, no problem.
(looks around)
This looks like a charming place,
but what makes this place so
special?
BILL
Four dollar wines.
RYAN
That they fill up to the top of
the glass. You don‟t see that
at most other places these days.
The MAITRE‟D, an old gentleman with a thick Italian accent,

approaches the table.
As regulars to the restaurant, the boys greet him warmly.
DAVE
Max! What‟s going on? Good to
see you again.
MAITRE‟D
Gentlemen, how are you doing
today.
Dave shakes his hand.
DAVE
We‟re good, we‟re good. Max, I
have to introduce you to a friend
of ours. This is Tommy. Tommy,
this is Max, the best maitre‟d
you‟ll find in the city. He also
doubles as the only waiter in the
joint too.
Tommy shakes his hand.
TOMMY
Nice to meet you Max.
MAITRE‟D
Welcome, welcome Tommy. I hope
you enjoy the food and the
atmosphere here.
RYAN
So, what do you have on special
today, Max?
MAITRE‟D
I got this great prosciutto and
melon appetizer. For entrees I
got this great ravioli dish,
pork chops and sausage with a
side of vegetables, penne pasta
with a delightful cream sauce
and chicken picatta with lemon
capers.
BILL
MMM, as always, sounds good.
MAITRE‟D
I‟ll give you a few minutes to
think about it. Three white
wines, right?
DAVE
Definitely. Keep them coming
until we say otherwise.
MAITRE‟D
Tommy, what would you like?
TOMMY
Looks like I don‟t have a choice,
white wine please.
MAITRE‟D
You got it.
The maitre‟d walks away.
TOMMY
So how many times do you guys
come here?
DAVE
Every Friday, it‟s a great way
to end the work week.
BILL
So let‟s get down to business.
(MORE)
BILL (cont‟d)
What the fuck are we going to
do tonight?
RYAN
Anything good going on?
BILL
Nothing special, you know it‟s
Friday, there usually ain‟t dick
going on on a Friday.
TOMMY
Really, on a Friday? I would‟ve
thought Friday night would be
huge.
DAVE
Don‟t get us wrong, we go out on
Fridays, it‟s just that all the
cool shit usually happens on the
weeknights.
One of the busboys comes by and drops off the glasses of

wine.
RYAN
Yeah the city is usually infested
with B&Ters on the weekends, which
means that most bars will suck.
You don‟t want to hang out with
B&Ters, trust me.
TOMMY
(confused)
B&Ters?
RYAN
Bridge & Tunnel.
BILL
You know, the jackasses that live
in Long Island, New Jersey that
take the Long Island Railroad or
the PATH train in on the weekends
with their high-haired, skanky come
dumpsters; these tools work in
their dad‟s auto body shop, they
(MORE)
BILL (cont‟d)
drive Camaros, and they‟re usually
named Vinny.
TOMMY
Oh, OK, B&Ters. I get it.
Dave lifts up his glass of wine.
DAVE
Cheers boys, to the end of another
shitty week and to the beginning
of another great weekend.
All four of them take a sip.
BILL
OK, back to the question at hand.
What are we going to do tonight?
RYAN
We had a rough night last night,
why don‟t we take it relatively
easy tonight. How about we just
troll up and down 3rd Avenue,
get fucked up and look for some
nice, trust-funded Murray Hill
ass.
DAVE
Sounds good to me, it‟s simple
and fun.
BILL
Cool, let‟s do it then.
LATER ON AT THE RESTAURANT
At the end of lunch all four of the guys look exhausted and
drunk. There are several empty glasses of wine in front of
each of them.
RYAN
(exhales loudly)
Whew, well that was good.
TOMMY
How many glasses of wine did we
end up having, four, five?
DAVE
Six.
BILL
And don‟t forget the Grappa that
we had for dessert.
RYAN
That‟s what put me on my ass.
Dave looks down at his watch and even though it‟s late he
doesn‟t seem too concerned.
DAVE
Well fellas, it‟s 3:30. We should
probably head back.
TOMMY
(worried)
Wait, it‟s 3:30? That‟s really
late, we‟ve been here for over
three hours.
BILL
Relax, it‟s Friday.
RYAN
Dude, all of our bosses live in
Westchester or Fairfield County,
which means that they‟ve already
taken off for the day.
DAVE
You got that right. They jump on
the 2:37 train to Darien, head
straight for the bar car. Pound
6 drinks until they hit their
stop and have their trophy wives
pick them up in their shiny new
Beamers because god forbid they‟d
ever leave their precious cars
by themselves all day long at the
train station.
TOMMY
Must be nice to have money.
BILL
It‟s nice for them. But us peons
that do all the actual work, we
don‟t get dick.
DAVE
You‟re depressing me. Let‟s get
the hell out of here.
All four of them stand up and walk towards the door. Dave
stops and grabs a mint to freshen his breath.
DAVE
(to Tommy)
Hey rookie, make sure you grab a
mint. It‟s a good idea to cover
the stench of booze on you with a
mint. I mean we don‟t have to
show everybody at work that we‟re
a bunch of raging alcoholics.
TOMMY
Good idea.
Tommy and the other guys take a few mints.
INT. – JOSHUA TREE BAR, MURRAY HILL
Bill is standing at the bar making out with a hot girl in

her early twenties, they‟re going at it pretty heavy.
Tommy is looking on in awe from a few feet away. Ryan

walks up to him.
RYAN
He‟s pretty impressive isn‟t he?
TOMMY
Yeah.
RYAN
The guy acts like an asshole and
treats women like shit. But yet
he never has a problem getting
laid.
TOMMY
Amazing.
RYAN
It just proves the theory that
women like to be treated like
shit.
Dave walks over to the two of them and chimes in.
DAVE
God bless women with low self-
esteem.
RYAN
Gotta love the low-hanging fruit.
TOMMY
That girl‟s cute too.
RYAN
Yeah she is. Come on Tommy, let‟s
go find you a girl that‟ll suck
your dick tonight.
TOMMY
I‟m all for that.
DAVE
You guys have fun, I‟m going to
the bar to pound a jaegar shot
and beer.
Bill stops kissing the girl and looks into her eyes.
BILL
Oh baby, you are so cute. I like
you, I really like you.
GIRL AT BAR
Ohh I like you too, you‟re nice.
Bill gives her a quick kiss.
BILL
Do you like me enough to jerk me
off right here at the bar?
The girl is taken back by Bill‟s forwardness.
GIRL AT BAR
Eww, no!
BILL
Come on, inside my jeans so
nobody notices.
Bill leans in for a kiss but gets slapped by the girl

instead.
GIRL AT BAR
Goodbye, dick!
The girl walks away from the bar, Bill tries to grab her
hand to stop her but she gets away anyways.
Bill laughs as he walks up to Tommy and Ryan and puts his

arms around them.
TOMMY
What happened?
RYAN
Yeah we thought you were in.
BILL
(brushes it off)
Ahh don‟t worry about it boys,
she was a whore.
RYAN
Typical.
BILL
There‟s plenty of night left to
find some sluts.
RYAN
You got that right.
BILL
Speaking of sluts, let‟s get wild
tonight.
RYAN
What did you have in mind?
BILL
Titty club, let‟s go to a titty
club.
RYAN
Titty club!!!
Dave stumbles over to the guys and butts into the

conversation.
DAVE
What are we talking about fellas?
BILL
Titty club.
DAVE
Titty club! Me likey, let‟s do it.
Dave gives Bill a high-five.
DAVE
Tommy, what do you say?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, I‟ve never been to
one before.
BILL
(incredulous)
You‟ve never been to one before,
seriously?
TOMMY
Seriously, never have.
BILL
God, we have so much to teach you.
Fucking bible belt.
RYAN
It‟s all good, you‟ll have fun,
trust me. We‟ll stop off at an
ATM machine before we get there,
take out about $500 each and then
go party.
DAVE
Yeah Tommy, you don‟t ever want
to take money out at a strip club,
they take like $40 in fees on top
of whatever your bank charges you.
Bill pounds the rest of his drink then slams it down on a

table next to him.
BILL
So we good, we ready?
The other three guys finish up their drinks.
DAVE
Yeah, let‟s get out of here.
EXT. – 3RD AVENUE, MURRAY HILL
All four guys stumble out of the bar onto the sidewalk.
RYAN
Where should we go boys?
DAVE
Penthouse Club?
BILL
Nah, they don‟t jerk you off there.
RYAN
Tens?
BILL
Nah, I fell asleep there once, I‟m
probably not welcomed back there
yet.
RYAN
Ohhhkay.
BILL
How about Scandals?
DAVE
You want to go to Queens?
BILL
Hell yeah, they‟ll let you do
anything there. Plus it‟s Queens,
it‟s cheaper out there. It‟ll be
fiscally responsible of us.
Dave walks into the street and hails a cab.

DAVE
Great, let‟s go to Queens.
A cab pulls over and the four guys get in.
INT. – SCANDALS GENTLEMENS CLUB, QUEENS
The four guys are in a VIP room each getting risqué lap
dances from gorgeous strippers as rap music blares in the
background.
Ryan and Dave are sitting next to each other on a couch

while Tommy and Bill are sitting in plush chairs on either
side of the couch.
Bill is loving every moment of his lap dance.
BILL
Tommy, how are you enjoying your
lap dance, it‟s awesome right?
TOMMY
Yeah, ummm, it‟s pretty good.
BILL
Slap her ass, she‟ll like it.
TOMMY
(looks at the stripper)
Do you mind?
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
No, go ahead big boy.
Tommy gently slaps her ass.
BILL
Come on man, get a little rougher.
Tommy looks at the stripper for approval and she nods in

affirmation so he slaps her ass harder.
TOMMY
Ohh, I love it!
Bill takes out a vile of cocaine, takes a quick hit then

passes it to Ryan.
BILL
Here guys, take a hit.
Ryan takes a hit then passes it to Dave who also takes a

hit. Then Dave offers it to Tommy.
DAVE
Tommy, you want some?
TOMMY
What is this?
BILL
Coke. Come on do some, it‟ll make
you feel great…and it‟ll keep you
going all night.
Tommy looks at the vile while he considers doing it.
TOMMY
Alright I‟ll try it.
Bill moves the stripper off him, stands up and walks over
to Tommy.
BILL
Here‟s what we‟re going to do.
Bill grabs the hand of the stripper that‟s dancing on

Tommy. He moves her around so that her back is facing him
and then pushes her down over Tommy‟s lap.
BILL
I wanna see you do a line off of
her ass.
TOMMY
Really?
BILL
Yeah, it‟ll be fun.
Bill takes the vile of cocaine and empties out a line of

cocaine on the stripper‟s ass.
BILL
Go ahead buddy.
Tommy leans over and does the line of cocaine off the
stripper‟s ass.
After he does it, the three other guys cheer.
DAVE
(applauds)
Alright Tommy!
RYAN
Atta boy!
The stripper on Tommy stands up, turns around, straddles

him and starts making out with him.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
You‟re a real man.
The stripper moves her hand down Tommy‟s body and grabs his
crotch.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
You‟re so hard too.
The stripper puts her hand in Tommy‟s pants and starts

jerking him off.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
I want that fucking cock.
BILL
Damn, Tommy, you go son!
Bill looks over at the stripper that was dancing on him

before.
BILL
Hey honey, you ready to start
sucking dick?
Bill‟s stripper, who was just sitting down relaxing, stands

up, grabs Bill‟s hand and leads him out of the room without
saying a word.
BILL
I guess that means “yes.” Fellas,
we‟re going to get a little more
privacy.
Tommy is still getting jerked off by the stripper as he

moans and groans.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
I want you to get off.
RYAN
Tommy, pretend like we‟re not even
here.
DAVE
Yeah, if you need to let loose, just
go ahead and let loose.
The stripper gets more into it and starts working her hand
faster.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
How you doing? You going to come?
TOMMY
Jesus Christ, holy shit, I‟m going
to come soon!
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
Yeah?
TOMMY
Holy fuck yeah!
The stripper stops jerking him off then climbs on top and
straddles him and starts rough friction dancing.
RYAN
Wow, look at our boy Tommy go.
DAVE
Guy almost looks like a strip club
pro.
TOMMY
Fuuuccckkk!
Tommy gets off. As he‟s done he hugs the stripper. The

stripper puts his head in her cleavage and Tommy grabs and
licks her breasts.
TOMMY
Ahhhh, fuck yeah. Damn.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
Was that good baby?
TOMMY
Yeah, it was amazing.
The stripper gets off of Tommy and cuddles next to him in

the chair. Tommy has his arm around her.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I can‟t believe I was doing coke
off a stripper‟s ass and getting dry
humped in the process. It was only
a couple of weeks ago that I was
doing an inventory check at my dad‟s
general store in Lynchburg, Tennessee.
Now I‟m being jerked off in front
of other people in the VIP room of
Scandals.
Ryan nonchalantly moves his stripper off of him and he

stands up.
RYAN
OK, I‟m going back to the bar to buy
another $12 Heineken.
DAVE
Yeah, I‟ll go with you.
Dave and Ryan both leave the VIP room.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
(to Tommy)
You‟re cute. I like you. Do you
want to go at it again? Freebie
this time.
TOMMY
I‟m exhausted, I think I need some
time to recover.
TOMMY‟S STRIPPER
Honey you don‟t need any recovery
time, you‟re with me.
Tommy‟s stripper gets up, straddles Tommy and starts to

friction dance with him again.
EXT. – SCANDALS, QUEENSBORO PLAZA - NIGHT
All four guys stumble out of the strip joint and onto the
street.
RYAN
What are we all doing now guys?
DAVE
You guys want to hit up Lyric Diner?
BILL
Sounds good.
DAVE
Tommy, you in?
TOMMY
Where‟s Lyric Diner?
DAVE
Back in the Murray Hill area, in
the 20‟s and 3rd.
Tommy looks at his watch and sees how late it is.
TOMMY
I don‟t know, it‟s past 4 o‟clock
and I live all the way out in Bay
Ridge. I should probably just
head home and grab a bite there.
DAVE
You sure?
TOMMY
Yeah.
DAVE
OK, don‟t fall asleep on the
train this time. Set your alarm
clock or don‟t sit down on the
train.
TOMMY
OK, cool.
DAVE
Let‟s grab a taxi boys.
Dave, Ryan and Bill shake Tommy‟s hand and hail a cab as
Tommy walks over to the subway.
INT. – BAY RIDGE DINER
Tommy is sitting by himself in an empty diner. He‟s eating

breakfast quietly, his head is bobbing around since he‟s
exhausted and is struggling to stay awake.
Tommy takes his cell phone out and notices that he has a
“New Voicemail” so he checks it.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER (O.S.)

Hi Tommy, it‟s your mother. It‟s
8 o‟clock on Saturday night, I‟m
guessing you‟re probably watching
a movie or making dinner. Just
wanted to call and see how you
were doing. I hope you‟re having
fun in New York City and that work
is OK and that you‟ve made some
new friends. I‟ll be going to
bed soon so call me tomorrow.
Love you.
Tommy hangs up his cell phone and puts it away. He begins

to sway and his head continues to bob until he passes out
and bangs his head right on the plate in front of him.
His head rests peacefully on the table.
On Monday morning, Tommy walks into the office acting like

a different guy; he‟s totally outgoing – giving guys in the
hallway high fives, fist and chest bumps; playfully
pinching some of the girls that walk by him on the stomach
or ass.
GIRL AT WORK
(giggling after getting
pinched on the stomach)
Oh Tommy, you‟re so bad!
TOMMY
I can‟t help it, you‟re so damn
fine girl.
Tommy makes it to his cube and is immediately greeted by

Dave.
DAVE
Tommy, great weekend, right?
TOMMY
It was a blast.
DAVE
Well I hope you brought your
appetite because we got lunch at
Del Frisco‟s today.
TOMMY
Sweet, I‟m assuming this place is
good?
DAVE
Hell yeah it is. But look, we got
to take it easy today, we have a
client presentation this afternoon,
so we have to be responsible.
Everyone‟s on a four wine limit at
lunch.
TOMMY
Alright, I think I can handle that.
DAVE
Good, good.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Working in advertising was an
incredibly surreal experience.
INT. – DEL FRISCO‟S RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN
Tommy, the boys and a couple of sales reps are sitting

around a table filled with plates of appetizers and bottles
of wine. They are all engaged in conversation – laughing
and high-fiving.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I‟d have a primo table at a top
notch restaurant like Del Frisco‟s
for lunch. Sharing a $30 seafood
appetizer platter, eating a $60
(MORE)

steak, drinking $200 bottles of
wine and enjoying truffles,
whatever the hell they are, all
for free. It‟s insane, I got
so much free shit. I made $25,000
a year, barely enough to afford
a cramped studio apartment in
Bay Ridge, but I lived like a
guy making $250,000 a year.
INT. – WAVERLY INN RESTAURANT, MIDTOWN
Tommy, the boys and a couple of reps are sitting around a

table in the busy restaurant drinking cocktails and bottles
of wine, engaging in conversation.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Take for instance the time me
and the guys had dinner at the
Waverly Inn. Waverly Inn is a
super exclusive restaurant owned
by Graydon Carter, the editor of
Vanity Fair. They don‟t take
reservations, in fact they don‟t
even have a phone, you have to
know someone to get in. Luckily
we know people.
The waiter swings by and puts down a couple plates of the

restaurant‟s famous macaroni and cheese.
TOMMY (V.O.)
They have this amazing macaroni
and cheese dish with truffles,
yeah truffles again, what the hell
is it with truffles? Anyways
this mac and cheese is the best
I‟ve ever tasted…and it should be
for $95 a plate.
Tommy looks to the side of him and sees GEORGE CLOONEY

eating at a table with a very attractive female companion.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Look at that. George Clooney is
here with a lovely lady.
Tommy looks to the other side of him and sees SCARLETT

JOHANNSEN having dinner with a female friend.
TOMMY (V.O.)
And that‟s Scarlett Johannsen looking
as beautiful as ever.
Tommy then scans the restaurant to see all the other

celebrities sitting in the dining room – DEREK JETER at one
table, PENELOPE CRUZ at another and DONALD TRUMP at another
one.
TOMMY (V.O.)
The exclusiveness of this restaurant
definitely made it a celebrity haunt.
But for as much free shit as I got
and for as much fun I had, I was
still a guy making $25,000 a year.
But that‟s OK I guess, it was like
slave labor at work, we routinely
worked until all hours of the night,
so it‟s not like I‟d have the time
to spend my money, if I had any,
anyways.
KITCHEN AREA
Tommy opens his kitchen cabinet and sees a stack of Ramen

Noodles on one side and a bunch of Kraft Macaroni and
Cheese on the other side.
Tommy peruses his choices as he thinks about what he wants

to eat.
TOMMY (V.O.)
On the nights I didn‟t have plans,
or I didn‟t have to work until
midnight, I‟d go home and be faced
with the option of either eating
Ramen Noodles or Kraft Macaroni
and Cheese for dinner. Ramen
Noodles was very economical at
seven packets for a dollar but
this night I went a little more
fancy and opted for Kraft macaroni
and cheese.
Tommy grabs a box of Macaroni and Cheese, puts it on the

counter and then begins to boil water.
LATER – LIVING ROOM AREA
Tommy walks over to his couch carrying a bowl of mac and

cheese, sits down, turns on his TV and starts eating
dinner.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I gotta say, my Kraft Macaroni
and Cheese was nothing like the
mac and cheese I had the other
night at Waverly Inn.
EXT. – YANKEE STADIUM – NIGHT
Tommy and the boys are sitting in the front row of the
Legend Seats off to the side of the visitor‟s dugout.
They are drinking beer, having fun, watching a Yankees

game.
TOMMY (V.0.)
Luckily I went out most nights.
And it wasn‟t just to go to a
shitty Irish pub on 43rd and 3rd.
We had access to front row tickets
to Yankees playoff games…
INT. – MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
Tommy and the boys are rocking out in a mosh pit during a
METALLICA concert while drinking beer.
TOMMY (V.O.)
…tickets to concerts like Metallica,
where the seats were so close we‟d
be getting spit on by James Hetfield.
INT. – HARD ROCK CAFE
Tommy and the boys are hanging out and drinking in a circle
by the bar while musicians and other music industry-types
walk past them.
TOMMY (V.O.)
And tickets to exclusive parties,
(MORE)

like the official after party
for the Grammy‟s at the Hard Rock
Café.
INT. – GERSHWIN THEATER
Tommy is sitting with a pretty young blonde in the front

row watching the Broadway show, “Wicked,” in a packed
theater.
He is very well-dressed as he‟s wearing a custom-tailored

suit.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I could also get hooked up for
those times when I wanted to
impress a girl. Girls are suckers
for live theater.
GIRL AT WICKED
(whispers)
Thanks for taking me to see Wicked.
These seats are great!
TOMMY
(whispers)
No problem, I‟m glad you‟re having
a good time.
GIRL AT WICKED
(whispers)
I‟d really like to repay you.
TOMMY
(whispers)
What did you have in mind?
IN A SUPPLY CLOSET
Tommy is fucking the girl from behind in a dark supply

closet. Since it‟s a quickie, they are both still halfway
dressed, with the girl‟s dress falling down to her waist.
It‟s passionate and the girl is moaning and groaning pretty

loudly. To keep her balance, she‟s holding onto a mop
that‟s standing up in a bucket.
TOMMY (V.O.)
So I fucked her in a supply closet
off to the side of the theater during
intermission. She was loud and into
it. It was exciting. I told you
girls were suckers for live theater.
IN THE THEATER
Tommy leads the girl back to their seats as intermission

comes to an end. The girl is still fixing her dress as she
sits down.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I never saw her again after that.
(pause)
Sex and hooking up was just a way of
life in this industry and it was
everywhere.
Tommy is walking down the middle of a large cubicle area.

He sees Dave talking to a girl in one cube, a girl talking
to Ryan in his cube, and a few other cubes where a girl is
talking to a guy.
TOMMY (V.O.)
The office was incestuous, everyone
fucked everyone else. See all these
guys talking to all these girls?
If they‟re not currently banging
right now, just give it a couple of
weeks because it‟ll only be a matter
of time before they are.
(pause)
Office hookups were cool for the
most part unless you made the
mistake of screwing the girl that
wasn‟t quite all there. A girl
like that could make your work life
a living hell. And since we worked
like slaves, you‟d have to see
that girl twelve hours a day, five
days a week, sometimes six.
(pause)
Like this one time, I nailed a
newly hired assistant, maybe two
(MORE)

weeks after she was hired. We
were drinking at a bar, one thing
led to another and the next thing
you know her clothes were crumpled
up on my studio apartment floor.
It was a good Tuesday night.
Unfortunately I didn‟t figure out
until after the fourth time I
fucked her that she was utterly
psychotic. I mean really bat shit
crazy.
Late at night Tommy is laying with a girl in his bed, her

clothes are crumpled up next to the bed.
The girl turns to Tommy and starts playing with his hair.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Tommy, do you love me?
TOMMY
(mortified)
Love you? Girl I just met you last
week!
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

But we just made love.
TOMMY
Please don‟t refer to it as “making
love.” We had sex, I fucked you.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Well anyways I think I love you.
TOMMY (V.O.)
And that was just the beginning
of it.
Tommy is in his cube talking to STACEY, a cute blonde girl

in her early twenties.
TOMMY
Well I‟m glad to hear you had a
good weekend, sounded like a
lot of fun.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK, a young, cute girl with fiery red

hair, walks by Tommy‟s cube and notices he‟s talking to a
girl so she stands in the background waiting for his
conversation to end. She‟s fuming silently.
STACEY
Yeah, it was good.
(looks at her watch)
Oh darn, I‟m late for a meeting.
I‟ll stop by later so we can catch
up some more.
TOMMY
Cool.
Stacey walks out of his cube and the psycho girl

immediately walks in to confront Tommy.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Who was that skank?
TOMMY
(laughs)
It‟s my friend Stacey, She‟s cool.
I do have female friends you know.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

I know, but I don‟t like her. I‟d
prefer you not talk to her anymore.
TOMMY
Jesus I‟m not even dating you.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Not yet at least. If you ever want
to make love to me again, you‟ll
do what I say.
TOMMY
There‟s that phrase again, “making
love,” stop it!
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Is that girl on your Facebook?
TOMMY
No she‟s not on my Facebook.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

She better not be.
Tommy says something under his breath silent enough that

the girl doesn‟t hear him.
TOMMY
(under his breath)
God you‟re unbelievable.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

So, where were you last night?
TOMMY
What do you mean?
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

I called you eight times, I
couldn‟t find you.
TOMMY
I was at a movie!
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Oh yeah? With who?
TOMMY
With Dave.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

What did you see?
TOMMY
That new Apatow film that came out
last week.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

How come you didn‟t call me back
and say good night? You do check
your voicemail, right?
TOMMY
It was late. The movie didn‟t get
out until midnight.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

I waited up for your call. I
finally fell asleep at 3 am when
I realized you weren‟t going to
call me back.
(pause)
Why don‟t you like me? I feel
like I‟m putting much more effort
into this relationship than you
are.
TOMMY
We don‟t have a relationship.
The psycho girl starts to cry.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

I like you, I really, really like
you. But I don‟t know why you
hurt me so much.
TOMMY
Jesus, don‟t cry.
Tommy stands up and coldly dismisses her by walking right

out of his cube, leaving her behind, still crying.
Tommy walks into
BILL‟S CUBE
And sits down as Bill is busy working on his computer.

Tommy looks very frustrated.
TOMMY
I fucked up bad Bill.
Bill turns around from his desk to look at Tommy.
BILL
What did you do?
Tommy points over to the psycho girl still crying in his

cube.
TOMMY
That.
BILL
What‟s wrong with that? She looks
cute.
TOMMY
She is, but she‟s also fucking
psychotic.
BILL
Whatever, most of the cute ones are.
TOMMY
Yeah but she‟s certifiable.
BILL
Darn, tough break man. That‟s why
I don‟t get emotionally involved
with women. As NWA used to say,
“I just find ‟em, fuck „em and
flee.”
TOMMY
You think I meant for this too
happen? I gave this girl no
signs that I was actually
interested in her. All I did
was fuck her a few times.
BILL
Yeah, I gotcha.
TOMMY
What should I do?
BILL
You got to “Kaiser Soze” her.
Disappear. I know it‟s tough
because you both work at the
same place. But avoid her at
all cost. Don‟t hang out with
her after work, don‟t talk to
her on the phone, don‟t make
small talk at the office. If
you see her in the cafeteria,
walk the other way. If she
walks over to your cube, don‟t
acknowledge her, just continue
working away on your computer,
(MORE)
BILL (cont‟d)
even if you‟re not doing anything.
Just always have a presentation
or flowchart opened up on your
desktop that you can go to
immediately.
TOMMY
OK, I‟ll try that.
BILL
Trust me, it works.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Well that was easier said than
done.
OFFICE HALLWAY
Tommy walks down a hallway towards a fire escape stairwell

door.
As he gets to the door, he looks behind him to see if

anyone else is around.
Once he sees that there‟s no one around, he opens the door

and enters
THE STAIRWELL
Waiting in the stairwell is the psycho girl. Once Tommy

enters the stairwell he immediately starts making out with
her passionately and grabbing her breasts.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Unfortunately, Bill‟s advice
ultimately fell on deaf ears.
I fucked the psycho girl later
that day in the office stairwell.
What can I say? I like psycho
chicks, I find them intriguing.
TOMMY
We don‟t have a lot of time, I
have a 3 o‟clock meeting.
The psycho girl looks at her watch.

PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

That gives us exactly six minutes.
TOMMY
Perfect.
The psycho girl very quickly unbuttons her shirt and lifts
up her skirt as Tommy bends her over the stairway railing.
Tommy is walking around the office floor late at night. No

one else is around and most of the lights are off.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Sex was everywhere in the office.
It wasn‟t unusual to here moans
and groans coming from someone‟s
office.
Tommy hears a girl groaning in the distance. He slowly

walks towards the direction of where the groaning is coming
from until he comes to an office that has it‟s door
slightly ajar.
He looks into the office and sees an older man having sex
on his couch with a young Asian girl in her early twenties.
TOMMY (V.O.)
That girl being plowed on the couch
by that older gentleman is his
administrative assistant. She gets
him coffee in the morning, sets his
calendar and runs errands for him
during the day then gives him
blowjobs late at night in the office
when everyone else has left. Like
they just couldn‟t get a hotel room?
(pause)
It makes you not want to ever sit
on someone‟s couch in the office,
or eat off of someone‟s desk.
After watching for a few moments, Tommy walks away and down
a hallway.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Well that was a fun, little diversion.
(MORE)

Now back to my cube and the fun world
of flowcharting and budget summaries.
(pause)
If people weren‟t having sex, they
were drinking. A lot. And it
wasn‟t just going out and drinking
after work, which we did a lot of,
but it was also drinking at work.
Besides the kegerator that we had
in our pantry, many people also
stocked their personal refrigerator
in their office with booze.
LATER ON - TOMMY‟S BOSS‟S OFFICE
Tommy is sitting in his boss‟s office. TOMMY‟S BOSS, a

clean-cut man in his early forties, is wearing a shirt and
tie.
TOMMY‟S BOSS
So Tommy, you know we have that
big presentation coming up in
two weeks.
TOMMY
Yes sir, what would you like me
to do? I‟ll do anything to help
the team and contribute.
TOMMY‟S BOSS
That‟s good to hear.
As he talks, he stands up and walks over to his mini-

refrigerator that‟s sitting in the corner of his office.
He opens up the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of orange

juice.
Then he walks over to his liquor cabinet on the other side

of the office, pours himself a screwdriver and sits back
down behind his desk.
He takes a couple of sips of his drink while he talks to

Tommy.
TOMMY‟S BOSS
I‟m going to need you to pull a
(MORE)
TOMMY‟S BOSS (cont‟d)

full five-year historical
competitive spend report for the
category along with a psychographic
and media consumption run against
our three targets. Pull out some
interesting information and throw
it into a presentation.
Tommy takes diligent notes while his boss speaks.
TOMMY (V.O.)
This scene might not be that unusual,
if it wasn‟t 10:30 in the morning.
A stiff morning cocktail was routine
for my boss, and for many others in
the office. Especially the higher-ups,
you know the “old schoolers” that
were around during the heyday of
advertising, the “three martini
lunch” days.
(pause)
The height of office drinking was
our annual Holiday party. This
past year‟s party got out of
control crazy even by our standards.
CHRISTMAS TIME - CUBICLE AREA
The office is covered in Christmas decorations. Holly and

strands of colored lights are hanging everywhere.
Tommy, Dave, Ryan and Bill are hanging out drinking

together in the middle of the cubicle area.
They are in the middle of a conversation and the guys are

laughing at something Bill said.
RYAN
(laughing)
Get out of here, really?
BILL
I swear to god.
DAVE
Never, you never use rubbers?
BILL
Fuck no, what is this, the 1970‟s?
I‟m not a sailor.
RYAN
You‟re not worried about knocking
up some girl?
BILL
Tough to knock up a girl when you
blow your load on her face.
RYAN
I aim for the tits myself.
DAVE
The face is good though.
RYAN
OK, screw pregnancy, you‟re not
worried about STD‟s? Have you
seen the girls that walk around
here? There must be like twelve
walking clymadia cases in this
cube area alone.
BILL
Whatever, I‟m clean, I‟ve been
tested.
RYAN
Whew good, I was nervous for a
moment. I‟m sure we‟ve shared
at least a few girls over the
last several years.
BILL
Yeah, you should be good.
Brian walks up to the guys, very excited.
BRIAN
Hey fellas, come over here; the
interns just came back with all
the ingredients!
The guys rush off with Brian to a

CONFERENCE ROOM
The conference room is filled with about 10-20 people. In

the middle of the table is a Gatorade pail which is
surrounded by bottles of vodka and fruit punch and piles of
fruit.
TOMMY (V.O.)
One of the holiday traditions at
the agency was the making of “the
pail.” So named because the booze
was made in a giant Gatorade pail.
Liquor stores opened at 10am and
we were sure to have the interns
at the store by 9:59. Some of
these interns weren‟t even old
enough to legally buy alcohol,
but whatever, this is New York
City, nobody bothered to card
them.
Dave walks over to the pail and immediately takes charge.
DAVE
Alright, stand back. Let a
professional handle this.
Dave grabs a couple bottles of vodka and starts pouring

them into the pail.
DAVE
Ryan help me out, start pouring
in the fruit punch. Tommy, pick
up the pieces of fruit and start
throwing them in here.
Ryan grabs the bottles of fruit punch and starts pouring

them into the pail as Dave continues to empty out the vodka
bottles.
Tommy starts throwing pieces of fruit into the pail.
Dave looks up at the 10-20 people standing around the

conference room table.
DAVE
OK kids, now the trick to a good
pail is to use actual fresh fruit.
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
But you just don‟t want to buy
fruit and throw it into the pail.
You want to buy the fruit a day
in advance, soak it in vodka over
night then throw it into the pail
the next day.
Dave picks up a piece of apple from the table and throws it

to a girl at the table.
DAVE
See, pretty girl check out how
awesome this apple tastes.
Dave watches as the girl eats the piece of apple. She

gives him a thumbs up.
DAVE
Good, she loves it. Since this
fruit spent the last 12 hours
soaking in liquor, they are very
potent. Exactly what we want for
a holiday party.
(pause)
Ryan, grab a cup and give this a
taste.
Ryan grabs a SOLO cup and takes a sip of the pail punch.
DAVE
How is it?
RYAN
It needs more vodka.
Dave grabs another bottle of vodka and pours half of it

into the pail.
DAVE
Ahhh fuck it.
Dave pours the rest of the bottle into the pail.
DAVE
Try it now Ryno.
Ryan takes another sip and gives it a thumbs up.

RYAN
It‟s excellent now.
Dave puts the top of the pail on and pours himself a cup.
DAVE
Very good. OK everyone dig on in.
The holiday pail has officially
been tapped.
The RECEPTIONIST, an older, gentle woman in her early

sixties, walks into the conference room.
RECEPTIONIST #2
Excuse me, who‟s responsible for
the keg delivery? The delivery
man is here with three kegs.
DAVE
Ahhh awesome. Yes, I‟ll sign for
them.
(looks at the guys)
OK guys, I‟ll be back in a bit,
just have to take care of some
business.
Dave walks out of the room with the receptionist.
LATER ON – TOMMY‟S CUBE
Tommy is drinking in his cube as he tries to concentrate on

his computer screen and do work.
TOMMY (V.O.)
The holiday pail began shortly
before 11 am, but work still had
to get done. So I grabbed a SOLO
cup full of jungle juice and went
back to my cube to work for most
of the afternoon.
Bill walks into Tommy‟s cube with a mistletoe hanging out

of his pants‟ zipper.
BILL
Shut it down Tommy and let‟s go
drink in the lobby.
Tommy turns to look at Bill, sees the mistletoe and laughs.

TOMMY
Oh jeez, nice Bill.
BILL
What? Oh this? I thought you‟d
like it.
TOMMY
How many girls do you think are
going to slap you? Four? Five?
BILL
Come on, the girls are going to
love it. Anyways, let‟s go.
TOMMY
OK, I‟ll be there in two minutes,
I just have to send one more email.
BILL
Well hurry up!
TOMMY
I‟m trying but I‟m so fucked up
right now that it‟s taking me a
long time to proofread this thing.
I can hardly see straight.
BILL
Alright, I‟ll be out there.
Bill walks away as Tommy goes back to typing on his

computer.
Tommy stares intensely at his computer screen, trying his

best to concentrate. After a few moments of staring at the
screen, he takes another sip of his drink.
THE OFFICE LOBBY
Tommy walks into a crowded office lobby. There‟s about 20-

30 people huddled around a keg with Dave and Ryan standing
right in front of it.
DAVE
OK, OK, OK, now that he‟s finally
decided to join the festivities,
it‟s Tommy‟s turn. Tommy, get your
ass up here.
Once Tommy walks up to the keg, Dave and Ryan pick up his
legs.
DAVE
Count it off everyone.
Tommy does a keg stand as everyone counts.
CROWD
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.
Tommy spits up beer as he‟s finally let down by Dave and

Ryan.
Bill high fives Tommy and messes up his hair.
BILL
Awesome Tommy. I‟m guessing that
was your first keg stand?
TOMMY
Yeah it was.
BILL
Well you done well kid. Someone
get this man a beer!
Dave pours Tommy a beer and gives it to him.
DAVE
OK, everyone who‟s participating
in the Secret Santa please grab
your present and re-group in the
conference room in five minutes.
CONFERENCE ROOM
There are about 30 or so people in the conference room,

some are sitting around the table but most are standing up
along the walls.
Dave looks at a list that he‟s holding in his hand.
DAVE
Judging by my list it looks
like everyone has picked up a
present, that wasn‟t their own,
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
from the table. Good to see
we were all able to do that
correctly. OK, on the count of
three everyone open your presents.
(pause)
1…2…3.
TOMMY (V.O.)
And this was when everything took
a turn for the surreal.
Everyone in the room begins to open their presents. Most

of the presents revolve around XXX-rated gifts or drug
paraphernalia.
Ryan opens his gift revealing a joint.
RYAN
OK, who was the guy that rolled
me a joint?
DAVE
That was me.
RYAN
You know me so well. Let‟s get
high in the boss‟ office.
DAVE
I don‟t mind if I do.
Ryan and Dave walk out of the conference room.
Tommy opens his gift and reveals a bong inside of it.
TOMMY
To the Secret Santa that was nice
enough to buy me a bong, I have
two words for you – thank you.
A girl opens her gift revealing a box of Plan B.
PLAN B GIRL
Plan B? Who the fuck got me Plan B?
BILL
Ummm, that‟d be me, I got it from
(MORE)
BILL (cont‟d)
my sister. I thought it‟d be a
useful gift…considering I‟m planning
to have unprotected sex with you
later tonight.
Bill turns to the closest guy next to him and high fives
him while laughing.
PLAN B GIRL
Dick.
Another girl opens her gift revealing a box of Valtrex.
VALTREX GIRL
Valtrex! Really? Really?
VALTREX GIRL‟S FEMALE FRIEND

Yeah, really!
VALTREX GIRL
You got this for me?
VALTREX GIRL‟S FEMALE FRIEND

Yep, I got it for you because
you‟re a dirty little whore.
VALTREX GIRL
Fuck you too bitch!
Another girl opens her gift revealing a dildo. Once she

opens it everyone in the room starts laughing.
BILL
You got a dildo, sweet!
DILDO GIRL‟S FEMALE FRIEND

Seeing as though you‟re so ugly
I figured I‟d get you that dildo
so that you can at least fuck
something in life.
DILDO GIRL
You‟re an asshole.
The girl throws the dildo at the other girl who catches it
and throws it back at her.

Why? I thought I was doing you
a favor? It‟s a thoughtful gift.
DILDO GIRL
Screw you.

Whatever, you still love me.
TOMMY (V.O.)
As you can see, the girls were a lot
more harsh to each other than the
guys were in the office. All these
girls are friends too! Imagine how
they‟d treat people that they didn‟t
like. They were ruthless.
BILL
Beer pong time bitches!
With the help of a few other guys, Bill clears off the
conference room table, sets up SOLO cups and grabs a bunch
of ping pong balls.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Things went downhill quickly once
the beer pong broke out.
LATER ON
Two girls and two guys are playing team beer pong on the
conference room table.
One of the girls makes a shot and they both jump up and
down in excitement.
One of the guys throws a ping pong ball and hits a cup,
knocking it over and spilling beer all over the floor.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Beer was spilled all over the
floor. Those who weren‟t playing
beer pong were shotgunning beers.
A few guys are standing in the corner shotgunning beers.
Tommy is standing in another corner by himself smoking weed

with his new bong.
Two girls are sitting down off to the side of the table,
one of them fills a dildo-shaped squirt gun with tequila
and shoots it into the other girl‟s mouth.
After a few squirts, the girl‟s mouth is filled with

tequila and some of it drips down her chin. She playfully
wipes it off and laughs with the other girl.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Yep, you saw that right. One girl
just filled a penis-shaped squirt
gun with tequila and shot it into
another girl‟s mouth…at work.
The office was insane.
(pause)
It was anarchy, pure anarchy.
The HUMAN RESOURCES LADY, an uptight, frigid woman in her

late thirties, walks into the conference room and is
shocked to see all the foolishness going on.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Even the HR lady was helpless to
stop anything.
HUMAN RESOURCES LADY

Wow, what the heck is going on in
here?
DAVE
Hey, it‟s everyone‟s favorite HR
lady!
Dave walks up to the HR lady and puts his arm around her.
DAVE (cont‟d)
Why don‟t you come in, hang out
and relax.
Dave grabs a half drank cup of jungle juice off of a table

that was just put down by someone else and tries to give it
to her.

It‟s probably best if I just turn
my back and pretend like I didn‟t
see anything of this.
DAVE
Come on, don‟t be silly, stay a
while.

No, I‟m going to leave.
The HR lady tries to walk out of the room but Dave grabs
her wrist to stop her. Then he begins rubbing her arm.
DAVE
(playfully)
You know, I‟m single. I know that
dating in the workplace is frowned
upon but you‟re just looking so
fine these days. I think we‟d be
a good couple.

Dave.
DAVE
Yes my love.

Cut the shit.
DAVE
OK, play hard to get. I see your
game plan, I don‟t like it but I‟ll
play along with you.

Goodbye.
The HR lady walks out of the room.
As soon as she leaves, one of the girls playing beer pong

makes the last shot to win the game.
She and her female partner both jump up and down to

celebrate. In their excitement, they both lift up their
shirts and flash the two guys they were playing against.
DAVE
Game‟s over? Good! I have another
idea. Everyone gather around the
table.
Everyone stands around the table as Dave grabs the dildo

from the floor and places it in the middle of the table.
DAVE
We‟re going to play “spin the
dildo.” Rules are simple –
starting with Stacey everyone
will spin the dildo. That
person will have to kiss
whoever the dildo is pointing
to, man or woman. Got it?
(pause)
OK, go ahead Stacey.
Stacey spins the dildo and it points to Tommy, so she walks

over to him and gives him an innocent kiss on the lips.
The psycho girl that Tommy hooked up with before is

watching this in the background, fuming mad.
DAVE
See how easy that was? OK, Ryan,
your turn.
Ryan spins the dildo and it lands on Dave.
RYAN
Ohhh no, no, no, no! I‟m not
kissing Dave.
DAVE
Yeah, no fucking way!
STACEY
Sorry, that‟s the rules! You gotta
do it! You even said if yourself,
guy or girl.
DAVE
Well I was just kind of hoping that
it‟d be primarily girl-on-girl,
dudes kissing is disgusting.
STACEY
Sorry, you got to do it.
TOMMY
Yeah guys, rules are rules.
RYAN
Fine.
Begrudgingly, Ryan walks over to Dave and apprehensively

gives him a quick peck on the neck.
TOMMY
Ewww, disgusting.
DAVE
Ryan, I hope that was good for
you.
RYAN
I think I‟ve got some of your
neck hair stuck in my teeth.
DAVE
Kathryn‟s up next.
KATHRYN, a very busty brunette in her early twenties, spins

the dildo and it lands on Bill.
BILL
Come to poppa.
Kathryn walks over to Bill and gives him a simple kiss on

his lips.
However, Bill opens his mouth and gives her the tongue
while putting one of his hands on the back of her head to
keep her in close. Then he grabs her breast with the other
hand.
After a few seconds, Kathryn manages to break free and

pushes him away.
KATHRYN
Billy!
BILL
(innocently)
What?
KATHRYN
You used tongue!
BILL
There was no rule that said I
couldn‟t.
KATHRYN
Fine but you didn‟t have to grab
my breast!
BILL
Fair enough, sorry I was just
caught in the moment.
KATHRYN
Arrghh.
Kathryn walks away from him in a huff.
TOMMY
OK, my turn.
Tommy spins the dildo and it lands on the psycho girl.

Tommy lets out a huge sigh as soon as he sees who it lands
on.
TOMMY
Oh Christ.
The psycho girl has a big smile on her face and claps with
excitement.
PSYCHO GIRL AT WORK

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
She runs over and jumps right onto him, knocking him down
to the ground in the process.
She pins him down to the floor and starts kissing him all
over his face.
DAVE
And on that note…
Dave walks over to a stereo and blares some music.
DAVE (cont‟d)
It‟s time to dance!
Dave jumps on the conference room table, kicks the pitchers

of beer and water off the table and starts to dance to the
music. He‟s soon joined by several other guys and girls on

the table.
Bill rushes into the room holding a DVD and pops it into
the video system.
TOMMY
What do you got there Bill?
BILL
A snuff film.
TOMMY
A snuff film?
BILL
Yeah, I found it at my younger
brother‟s place. It‟s surprisingly
not bad quality for being a snuff
film.
(turns to everybody in
The room)
Who wants to see a chick get choked
while being double penetrated?
(no one responds to him)
Based on your stunned silence,
I‟ll assume everybody.
Bill turns on the film and it starts running on the

projection screen, then he jumps up onto the table and
joins the rest of the people dancing.
A bunch of people start making out with each other as they

dance.
Tommy makes out with the psycho girl, then turns away from
her, grabs Stacey and starts making out with her next.
The psycho girl gets jealous and pulls Tommy away from
Stacey, while giving her a little push in the process, and
makes out with him again.
Tommy walks away from both girls and over to Dave, Bill and
Ryan.
TOMMY
What‟s up fellas?
Bill passes out a few beer cans to the guys.

RYAN
Shotgunning beers then figuring
out a game plan for the rest of
the night.
DAVE
Ready? Go!
The four guys shotgun the beers then once they‟re done they
nonchalantly throw the empty cans onto the floor.
TOMMY
So what‟s the game plan? I‟m
thinking that since I have to
catch a flight back home tomorrow
morning, the smart thing for me
to do is just go home.
RYAN
Well I figure that since we‟re
all damn near black out drunk
that we go get wild down at
Doc Holiday‟s or on St. Mark‟s
Place or something like that.
TOMMY
(thinking)
OK, I‟m in.
DAVE
Like you really had a choice to
not be in?
RYAN
This party‟s winding down, let‟s
shotgun one more beer, take two
shots, then we‟ll head out.
TOMMY
Good deal.
Bill passes out four more beers and they shotgun them.
Tommy is lying in bed asleep until his alarm clock starts

going off.
He wakes up all groggy. He lays still in his bed looking

up at the ceiling.
TOMMY
Oh my god, what the hell happened
to me last night? What is up with
this splitting headache?
Tommy finally manages enough strength to get out of bed.

He stands up in his boxers and no shirt and walks into
THE BATHROOM
Tommy looks at himself in the mirror and splashes water

onto his face.
He turns around and grabs a towel off the bathroom floor.
Once he turns around his back can be seen in the mirror.

It‟s at this point it‟s revealed that he has a tattoo on
his lower back.
As he picks up the towel, Tommy glances at the mirror and

notices the tattoo. He does a double take and once he
realizes that it is in fact a tattoo he screams.
Then he grabs the tattoo, looks at it and feels it.
TOMMY
Holy fuck! Oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god.
Tommy runs back into
THE LIVING AREA
Finds his cell phone and calls Dave. He paces around the
room completely upset.
DAVE (O.S.)
Yo man, what‟s up?
TOMMY
What the fuck happened last night?
DAVE (O.S.)
What do you mean? We got drunk.
TOMMY
No man, how did I end up getting a
tramp stamp?
DAVE (O.S.)
Oh that.
(laughs)
Man, you‟re a trip; that was some
funny shit!
TOMMY
What the hell happened Dave?
DAVE (O.S.)
Well after we blew a few lines in
the bathroom after the party, you
came up with the brilliant idea of
getting tattoos at a place on St.
Mark‟s.
TOMMY
I did?
DAVE (O.S.)
Shit yeah you did. But when we got
down to the parlor we all backed
out except for you. You were a hero.
You bet Ryan that you would not
only get a tattoo but you‟d get
one on your lower back.
TOMMY
Fuck. How much was the bet?
DAVE (O.S.)
$10 for the tattoo, $20 to get it
on the lower back.
TOMMY
(depressed)
$20? I ruined my body for $20?
DAVE (O.S.)
Nah, come on man, you didn‟t. It
looks good. Besides, you‟re not
Jewish, it‟s not like you ruined
your body in the eyes of God.
TOMMY
I don‟t even know what the fuck
this tattoo says. Do you?
DAVE (O.S.)
No idea bro. It says something
in Chinese, I think it‟s an
inspirational quote or some shit
like that.
TOMMY
Great so I don‟t even know anything
about this tattoo.
DAVE (O.S.)
I do remember that you picked it
out of this big book that the artist
had so I‟m sure it‟s nothing too
offensive or stupid.
TOMMY
That‟s reassuring, I guess.
DAVE
You should go back there and figure
it out.
TOMMY
Fuck that. I‟m dead, I‟m so dead.
my parents are going to kill me.
DAVE (O.S.)
Tommy, relax, it‟s all good. Think
about it, no one is really ever
going to see it, well except when
you go swimming or play beach
volleyball or get fucked by a dude.
Make yourself a cocktail and chill
out.
TOMMY
A cocktail, it‟s 7 in the morning.
DAVE (O.S.)
Actually it‟s 8 am.
As Dave says that, Tommy looks at the alarm clock by his

bed and notices that it reads “8:05.”
TOMMY
Oh shit!
DAVE (O.S.)
What‟s up, you find another tattoo?
I swear I thought you only got one.
TOMMY
No. Shit, I must‟ve never re-set
my alarm clock last night all drunk.
I meant to set it for 7 o‟clock.
I‟m so fucking late. I have to get
to the airport now!
DAVE (O.S.)
OK, I won‟t keep you, enjoy home.
Tommy hangs up the phone, runs around his apartment and

starts hastily packing a suitcase.
He indiscriminately throws shirts and jeans into the

suitcase.
INT. – LA GUARDIA AIRPORT TERMINAL
Tommy is sitting down in the terminal waiting to board his

plane. He‟s very anxious and is tapping his foot on the
ground repeatedly.
Suddenly he stands up and rushes into
THE BATHROOM
He runs into a stall, slams the door behind him and pukes.
INT. – AIRPLANE
Tommy is sitting down by the window on the airplane, still

nervous and still tapping his foot repeatedly on the
ground.
He tries to keep himself busy by thumbing through the in-

flight magazine.
Suddenly he stands up, climbs over the two passengers

sitting next to him and rushes down the aisle to the back
of the plane and into
THE BATHROOM
Tommy closes the door behind him and pukes into the toilet.
LATER ON
Tommy is crawled up in his seat, almost in a fetal

position. He has a blanket over him and he is sleeping.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I puked all the way back to
Tennessee. I was in bad shape.
But in retrospect, it was a good
metaphor for the first six months
of my life in New York City.
INT. – TOMMY‟S PARENTS HOUSE IN TENNESSEE
Tommy walks through the front door with his father trailing
behind him. He calls out to his mom.
TOMMY
(yells)
Mom, I‟m home!
His dog immediately runs up and jumps on him. Tommy pets

him and rubs his head.
TOMMY
Hey boy, hey guy, how are you doing!
Tommy‟s mother enters the room.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Tommy, good to see you baby!
She gives him a big, warm hug.
TOMMY
Same here mom.
Tommy‟s mother takes his jacket off for him.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I hope you brought your appetite
home with you.
TOMMY
I did.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Good because I‟m making chicken
fried steak for dinner, your
favorite!
TOMMY
Ahhh mom, I love you. You‟re the
best mom ever!
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Come, come into the den and take a
load off. Dinner should be ready
in about an hour.
Tommy walks through the room, followed closely by his

parents.
Tommy‟s father gives him a warm pat on the back.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Welcome home son.
LATER ON – DINING ROOM
Tommy‟s family is sitting around the dinner table – it‟s

him, his parents and his little brother who is in his very
early teens. The dog is also roaming around.
The table is filled with plates and plates of food.
The mother has just finished putting all the plates on the
table so she sits down.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Tommy, are you all set? Do you
need anything else?
TOMMY
No I‟m good.
(thinks for a moment)
Actually, I could use a beer or,
I don‟t know, maybe a Jack and
Coke.
Tommy‟s parents immediately look shocked over Tommy‟s

question.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
A beer? Alcohol?
TOMMY
Yeah, what‟s wrong with that?
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Tommy, you know we don‟t drink.
(pause)
In fact I didn‟t think you ever
drank either.
TOMMY
I know, but yes I do enjoy the
occasional cocktail every once
in a while now.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Really? I see.
TOMMY
Yes, there‟s actually a few
things that I do now that I
never did before. New York is
a very metropolitan city and
it‟s managed to open my eyes
up to things I never knew
existed.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Oh yeah, what else do you do
now that you didn‟t do before?
Or what else have you learned?
TOMMY
I don‟t know off the top of my
head. But I can say that I‟ve
gotten a lot of culture lately.
I love the Museum of Modern
Art and a few weeks ago I got
to see a real, live Broadway
musical. Seeing live theater
was awesome, much better than
the plays we used to put on
at Lynchburg High School.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
That‟s great honey.
TOMMY
Yeah, it‟s fun. There‟s basically
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
something different to do every
day if you so choose.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
So how are the women treating you
son?
TOMMY
Ohhh, it‟s OK.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Meet any nice young women yet?
TOMMY
No, not really. I‟ve gone on a
few dates but nothing serious.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Be patient, I‟m sure you‟ll find
a nice lady that you‟ll be able to
sweep right off of her feet.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
But I hope the girl you do find will
have similar values to yours and
ours.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
You know your mother Tommy,
finding a nice Baptist girl would
make her so happy.
TOMMY
I know, but I just want to find
a girl that‟ll like me for who
I am. I don‟t care if she‟s
black, white, purple, Baptist,
Catholic or Jewish.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
That‟s the spirit, you do what
makes you happy.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Tommy, would you like to say
grace before we eat?
TOMMY
Sure, it‟s been a long time
though since I‟ve said grace.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Wait, you don‟t say grace before
every meal anymore?
TOMMY
No, I don‟t.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Wow, you really are a “city guy”
now.
Everyone around the table folds their hands and bows their
heads in pray.
TOMMY
Lord thank you for providing us
this feast and for providing us
a happy home filled with love,
respect and trust. May these
holidays be our best holidays
ever. Please bless the food
that we‟re about to eat. Amen.
EVERYONE AT THE TABLE

Amen.
The whole family starts passing dishes of food around.

Each person takes a portion and continues to pass the
plates around.
TOMMY
Mom, I have to say that everything
looks so delicious.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Oh thank you son. It‟s good to
see that the big city of New York
hasn‟t changed you that much –
you‟re still well mannered.
TOMMY
Thank you mom.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
So have you made any new friends?
TOMMY
I have. I‟ve got three very good
friends that I hang out with all
the time.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
That‟s good, I‟d sure like to meet
them one day.
TOMMY
I‟m sure they‟d like to meet the
both of you as well.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
Are you getting yourself into any
mischief up there?
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Oh come on honey, he‟s our little
son, of course he‟s not getting
into any trouble.
TOMMY‟S FATHER
What? It‟s an honest question.
Tommy‟s away from home for the
first time, he‟s hanging out with
the boys, there‟s temptation
lurking around every corner in
New York City. It‟s not out of
the realm of possibility that
even a nice boy like Tommy can
do something foolish every once
in a while.
TOMMY
Dad I can honestly say that I‟ve
gotten into no mischief. Sure
New York City is really fun and
can get wild if you want it to,
but I lead a rather boring life.
I work long hours and then I go
home and watch a movie on most
nights.
LATER ON – IN THE BATHROOM
Tommy is standing in front of a mirror in the bathroom. He

reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of tin foil.
He unwraps the tin foil to reveal some cocaine. He puts

the cocaine on the counter, cuts up a couple of lines,
kneels down so that his face is level to the counter and
snorts both lines.
He breathes in hard then starts to sniffle.
Suddenly there‟s a knock on the door.

Tommy are you OK? You‟ve been in
the bathroom for an awfully long
time.
Tommy is startled by the knock and quickly throws away the

tin foil. Then he rubs down the counter to make sure
there‟s no cocaine residue left around.
Tommy‟s mother knocks again.

Tommy?
TOMMY
Ummm, just a minute mom.
Tommy opens the medicine cabinet, grabs some eye drops and
puts them in.
Once he‟s done he opens the door. His eyes are watery and
he‟s still sniffling.
Upon seeing how disheveled Tommy looks, his mother seems

very concerned.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Ohhh Tommy, are you OK?
TOMMY
Yeah.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
You‟re sniffling, are you sick?
TOMMY
No, I‟m fine. I was just sneezing,
maybe there‟s just too much dust in
the bathroom.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
(laughs)
Oh Tommy, I can assure you there
isn‟t any dust in the bathroom.
I just dusted this morning in
anticipation of your arrival.
TOMMY
OK, maybe it‟s allergies then.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Funny, I didn‟t think you were
allergic to anything.
Tommy is getting a bit frustrated with his mom and her

questions.
TOMMY
Did you need anything mom?
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I just wanted to tell you that
there‟s a stack of freshly cleaned
towels in the cabinet over here.
You can use any of them for your
shower tomorrow.
TOMMY
Great, OK, thanks.
Tommy leaves the bathroom and walks down
THE HALLWAY
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
Good night Tommy.
Tommy waves back to his mom without stopping or turning

around to look at her.
TOMMY
Good night mom.
TOMMY‟S MOTHER
I love you son.
TOMMY
Love you too.
Tommy is walking slowly through the Gap, looking through a

stack of sweaters.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Winter in New York. The time when
most people hibernate in their cozy
apartments for a few months. The
holidays are over, the days are
short, it‟s always dark and the
weather sucks. It‟s a good time
for people to settle down with
someone which is what brought me
to the Gap today.
Tommy sees the female Gap employee that he met previously

off in the distance folding clothes.
TOMMY (V.O.)
There she is. She is beautiful.
I liked her from the first time
we met, early one morning when I
had to buy a shirt for work. Ever
since then I would come into this
place periodically in the morning
or during lunch to sneak a peek at
her and strike up some small talk.
I didn‟t want her to think I was
stalking her so I‟d always buy
something when I came in here.
I must‟ve bought at least 50 pairs
of dress socks here in the last
six months.
Tommy slowly walks towards where the female employee is

standing. She notices him and walks over.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Hey Tommy!
TOMMY (V.O.)
Yes, I‟ve been here enough times
that she knows my name. Seriously,
I‟m not that creepy.
TOMMY
Hi girl. How are you doing?
GAP EMPLOYEE
I‟m good. You here to get another
pair of socks?
TOMMY
(laughs)
No, no, not this time.
GAP EMPLOYEE
OK, what can I help you with today?
TOMMY
I wanted to stop beating around the
bush. You realize I don‟t really
need to buy that many pairs of
socks in life, right?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Yeah, probably not.
TOMMY
I come in here a lot just so I can
see you. I think you‟re really
cool and cute.
GAP EMPLOYEE
(blushes)
Oh thanks!
TOMMY
So I thought I‟d see if you
wanted to grab dinner one night.
GAP EMPLOYEE
I‟d love to.
TOMMY
You would?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Sure, you seem like a good,
decent guy. It‟ll be fun.
TOMMY
Great. How about this Friday?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Yeah, Friday would work.
TOMMY
Perfect. Let me get your phone
number so that I can call you
on Thursday to firm up plans.
Tommy reaches into his pants pockets to grab a pen but he

can‟t find one.
TOMMY
Darn it, I don‟t have a pen and
I left my cell phone at the
office.
The Gap employee takes out her pen.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Here, I‟ll write down my number
for you.
She writes down her phone number on Tommy‟s hand and draws
a little heart underneath the number.
TOMMY
Great. I‟m looking forward to
Friday.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Me too.
TOMMY
Enjoy the rest of the week.
GAP EMPLOYEE
You too.
Tommy gives her a warm pat on the shoulder then walks away.
INT. – SPICE MARKET RESTAURANT, MEATPACKING DISTRICT
Tommy and the Gap employee are sitting at a table in the

middle of a busy, trendy restaurant. They‟re both dressed
up very nicely.
They are in the middle of a conversation.
TOMMY
I feel like I‟ve been talking your
ear off, monopolizing the conversation.
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
Tell me a little something about
yourself. Like how long have you
been working at the Gap?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Not too long, probably about a year.
I‟m just working there right now
to make some extra money and to
partially pay my way through grad
school.
TOMMY
Oh grad school, cool. Where do you
go?
GAP EMPLOYEE
I‟m going to Hunter College.
TOMMY
What are you studying?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Social work. I know there‟s not a
ton of money in that line of work
but it definitely seems rewarding.
TOMMY
Well that‟s very noble of you.
GAP EMPLOYEE
So that‟s my deal.
TOMMY
Cool. Are you enjoying your meal?
GAP EMPLOYEE
It‟s great, in fact the whole night
has been great. This salmon was
incredible. How was your filet?
TOMMY
Very good, just the right sized
portion. How about dessert, do
you want some dessert?
GAP EMPLOYEE
I couldn‟t possibly. I‟m so stuffed.
TOMMY
OK, what do you want to do now?
Would you like to grab an after
dinner drink at a bar or lounge?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Honestly, I wouldn‟t mind just
going back to your place for some
more fun.
TOMMY
Really?
GAP EMPLOYEE
Sure, you‟re really sweet.
TOMMY
OK, let me grab the check before
you change your mind.
GAP EMPLOYEE
(laughs)
I‟m not going to change my mind!
TOMMY
(laughs)
I know, I was just kidding.
As soon as Tommy and his date enter the apartment, she

immediately pushes him against the wall and starts making
out with him.
TOMMY
You are so pretty!
GAP EMPLOYEE
I feel so connected to you.
TOMMY
Me too baby, me too.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Take me to bed.
TOMMY
Are you sure? You don‟t think
we‟re moving too fast do you?
GAP EMPLOYEE
No I want this!
TOMMY
Oh girl and I really want to give
it to you.
Tommy lifts her up, carries her over to the bed and throws
her down on it.
GAP EMPLOYEE
(laughs)
You‟re so silly!
Tommy takes his shirt off and climbs on top of her.
NEXT MORNING – IN BED
Tommy is laying in bed, spooning the Gap Employee who‟s

still asleep.
He carefully turns over in bed without waking her up and

grabs his cell phone from the end table.
He finds Dave‟s number and writes him a text message – “I

finally nailed that cute chick from the Gap. It was
awesome.”
She wakes up and turns to Tommy. She flashes him a big

smile and playfully rubs his face.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Hey there.
TOMMY
Hi girl.
GAP EMPLOYEE
That was amazing last night.
TOMMY
Yeah, I thought it was pretty good.
She stretches out in bed and raises her arms in the air.
GAP EMPLOYEE
What‟s for breakfast?
TOMMY
I don‟t know, feel free to check
the freezer though, I might have
some waffles in there.
The Gap employee sits up in bed and puts on Tommy‟s button

down shirt.
Then she stands up and walks over to the kitchen area while
Tommy watches her in admiration.
She looks in the refrigerator then pours herself a glass of

water.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Nice, waffles. Hey do you want
anything while I‟m up?
TOMMY
No, I‟m good.
She walks back over to the bed, sits on the edge of it by

Tommy and runs her fingers through his hair while he
continues to lay in bed.
GAP EMPLOYEE
I like you, you‟re nice.
TOMMY
I like you too, you‟re cute.
She leans down and gives Tommy a nice, sweet kiss.
TOMMY‟S CUBE
The next Monday Tommy is sitting in his cube holding court

with Dave, Ryan and Bill as he‟s in the middle of telling
them his story with the Gap employee from the weekend.
TOMMY
…And I fucked that bitch all night
long throughout my apartment.
RYAN
Seriously? Nice score.
BILL
Yeah that girl was cute!
TOMMY
Guys there was some X-rated shit
going on. That girl deep throated
me for the better part of an hour.
BILL
Sweet.
DAVE
You gonna see her again?
TOMMY
Probably not.
DAVE
Really?
TOMMY
Nah, there‟s plenty of other women
out there.
RYAN
She‟s cute though.
TOMMY
I know, but…
Tommy takes out his cell phone and shows them a few text
messages.
TOMMY (cont‟d)
…I think she might be too clingy.
Text message #1: “Hey there, just wanted to say hi and hope
you‟re enjoying the day.”
Text message #2: “What are you up to?”
Text message #3: “Tommy, just wanted to see if you were

around to grab Sunday brunch, let me know.”
Text message #4: “Hi, I haven‟t heard from you since

Saturday morning so I just wanted to make sure you‟re OK.”
TOMMY (cont‟d)
I mean look at all these texts.
DAVE
Have you replied back to her at
all?
TOMMY
No.
DAVE
No? So that‟s that?
TOMMY
Probably. I mean look around this
place. Yeah during moments of
weakness in life I might think
it‟s a good idea to get attached
to a girl, but then I come into
this place and I realize only a
fool would get tied down to one
girl. There‟s still many girls
around here I‟d like to fuck. I
don‟t need any complications in
my life that would potentially
fuck that up.
Bill shakes his hand.
BILL
I hear that bro.
TOMMY
So what‟s up for next weekend?
RYAN
Tim, a rep friend of ours is
throwing an apartment party,
unlimited booze, there should also
be some sweet ass pussy there as
well.
Tommy shakes Ryan‟s hand.
TOMMY
Well count me in on that fellas.
RYAN
Oh you know it!
TOMMY (V.O.)
And it was that Friday night when
it all came crashing down.
(pause)
It started out like any other
normal Friday night.
INT. – TIM‟S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
Tim lives in a sprawling penthouse apartment with a large

outside patio area.
The living room is filled with 40-50 people, mostly in

their twenties. There are two beer pong tables set up in
the middle of the room with people playing on each of them.
Tommy, Dave, Ryan and Bill are hanging out in the corner of
the room with the host of the party, TIM, a clean cut
handsome man in his mid-thirties.
Tim is clearly several years older than the other guys.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Drinking, smoking, talking shit,
playing beer pong…nothing out of
the ordinary.
BILL
Tim, this place is fucking tight.
RYAN
Yeah man, it‟s huge. How do you
do it?
TIM
I make a pretty good living, but
to be honest I‟m a trust fund kid.
My dad used to be a First Vice
President for Goldman Sachs. I
rebelled against my parents by
going into advertising. They
wanted me to be a doctor or
lawyer, I said “fuck that.” I‟m
going to do what I want to do.
TOMMY
And you wanted to do advertising?
TIM
Fuck no, I wanted to surf. But
since that never really took off
my next option was to go into an
industry that had cool dudes and
hot chicks, where I could have
fun while at the same time not
having a shitload of responsibility.
(pause)
I mean after all, we‟re not curing
cancer around here, are we boys?
Tim looks at all four of the guys‟ near empty beer bottles.
TIM (cont‟d)
It looks like most of you guys are
out of beers. Let me grab you all
a refill.
Tim walks away while the four other guys look at him in
awe.
BILL
That man has the life!
RYAN
You know it.
Ryan looks around the living room and notices all the
attractive, young girls hanging out.
RYAN (cont‟d)
I mean looking around, Tim has
nailed at least four of these girls
here.
DAVE
Five by my count.
BILL
God I wish I could be his dick for
one night.
Tim comes back with a bunch of beer bottles and hands them
out to the guys.
TIM
Here you go fellas.
RYAN
Thanks man. You want to go outside
and get high?
TIM
Shit yeah, I thought no one was
going to ask me tonight, I was
beginning to feel lonely. My
stash is kicked and I haven‟t
been able to find my deliveryman
all night.
RYAN
Damn, if you can‟t rely on your
drug dealer, who can you rely on?
TIM
You‟re telling me.
(pause)
Alright, let‟s go.
The guys walk across the living room and out to the patio.
EXT. – TIM‟S APARTMENT, OUTSIDE PATIO – NIGHT
The five guys huddle around in a circle. It‟s very cold

outside and they all can see their breathe.
TIM
Light this shit up man. I need to
warm up.
Ryan takes out a joint, lights it, takes a puff then passes
it along.
BILL
So Tim, which girl in there are
you going to fuck tonight?
TIM
All of them.
Tim‟s response makes all the guys laugh as the joint

continues to get passed around.
BILL
No seriously though.
TIM
I don‟t know. Most those bitches
are yesterday‟s news, you know what
I‟m saying?
(pause)
I think I‟m in the mood for something
different tonight.
BILL
What? Men?
TIM
No dickhead. I‟m thinking a fucking
roadtrip.
DAVE
Oh yeah? To where?
TIM
I don‟t know…A.C.?
RYAN
(smiles)
Atlantic City. I like it.
BILL
I love it!
TOMMY
A.C. tonight?
TIM
Fuck yeah, no time like the present!
TOMMY
You going to kick everyone out of
your apartment then?
Tim takes a look inside the apartment through his window

and sees everyone having fun.
TIM
Nah, it looks like everyone is still
having fun.
TOMMY
So who‟s going to watch it then?
TIM
My brother can do it, as long as
he doesn‟t fuck any sluts in my
bed. He‟s still hanging around
here somewhere.
BILL
Guys it sounds like the plan is
coming together.
RYAN
How are we going to get down there?
TIM
Fellas, don‟t forget I have a
pretty impressive T&E budget.
Tim reaches into his pocket, takes out his cell phone and
dials a number.
TIM
Hello is this Jolly Time
transportation?
(pause)
Great! I need a party bus to take
me and about eight of my friends
to Atlantic City immediately. Also
make sure whatever bus you send
has a stripper pole on it, this
is imperative. Hold on one second.
(turns to Dave)
I have to find my credit card.
While I finish this up, can you guys
go inside and find a couple young
assistants that are willing to dance
on the pole to come with us?
BILL
Don‟t worry, we‟ll be sure to find
girls that are willing to dance on
some pole if you know what I mean.
TIM
Great, thanks man.
(goes back to talking
on the phone)
OK, where were we?
Tim opens the patio door and walks back inside.
DAVE
The man is awesome.
BILL
It‟s like watching a piece of
art in motion.
TOMMY
You guys done fawning over your
man crush? Let‟s go inside and
pick out some women.
The four guys walk back into the apartment.
INT. – PARTY BUS
Tommy, Dave, Ryan, Bill, Tim and two young, very attractive
girls are sitting on the party bus drinking, laughing and
high fiving each other.
The party bus is pretty dark with some mood lighting on and
a disco ball hanging from the ceiling.
The guys dig into two coolers on the bus for more beers and
pass them around.
TOMMY (V.O.)
And just like that we got a fully
stocked party bus to take all of
us to Atlantic City that night,
complete with two girls from the
party to dance on the stripper pole.
They were assistants buyers, maybe
at the agency for five months. Tim
also booked us a suite at the Borgata
for the night.
DAVE
Tim, let‟s crank some music.
TIM
OK, OK I can make that happen.
Tim reaches over to the stereo and blasts some rap music.
The music makes the two girls get up and dance together on
the stripper pole as the guys cheer them on.
BILL
Alright, that‟s what I‟m talking
about.
As the girls continue to dance, they start getting more

touchy feely with each other – touching each other‟s face,
partially lifting up each other‟s shirts to show off their
stomachs and rubbing each other‟s breasts.
The guys high five each other, laugh and pound their beers.
Tim takes his wallet out and pulls out a bunch of ones.
TIM
Guys, guys, take out some ones,
let‟s make it rain and show these
girls we appreciate the show.
The other guys follow suit by taking out one dollar bills
from their wallets. All of them start throwing ones at the
girls.
TIM
Ladies, kiss!
The two girls look at him, laugh and shake their heads
“no.”
GIRL ON STRIPPER POLE

No way!
TIM
Come on, kiss!
BILL
Please!
Finally, the two girls lean in and start making out with
each other, which leads to an enormous cheer by the guys.
INT. – BORGATA HOTEL AND CASINO, HOTEL SUITE
Tommy, Dave, Ryan, Bill, Tim and the two girls are sitting
around a large glass table in the living room of the
luxurious suite taking turns snorting cocaine.
TOMMY (V.O.)
The party bus antics led to what
(MORE)

essentially became a coke fueled
orgy in the hotel suite once we
got to Atlantic City.
A U.F.C. event is playing on the TV in the background which

gets the attention of a few of the guys.
Tim isn‟t paying attention as he‟s making out with one of

the girls on the couch.
DAVE
Guys, guys, watch this move. Did
anyone see this?
TOMMY
No.
DAVE
Watch the replay then, watch this
move.
The replay of a guy getting completely knocked out from a

punch to his chin is shown on the TV.
That moves elicits a loud groan from the guys.
TOMMY
Wow, holy shit.
RYAN
That guy got knocked the fuck out.
DAVE
God damn, I love the UFC!
BILL
You got that right, that shit is
real!
Bill sits down to do another line of coke.
Tim looks up from making out with the one girl and notices
that the other girl is just sitting on the other couch by
herself looking a little bored.
TIM
Fellas, fellas, what the fuck are
you guys doing?
DAVE
(perplexed)
What?
TIM
Are you guys gay?
DAVE
(perplexed)
Why?
TIM
We have a pretty, lonely girl sitting
here getting no attention at all
while you fools watch a bunch of
sweaty men fight each other. Get
your priorities straight guys.
(looks at the lonely
girl)
Honey, show them what you got.
The girl stands up, gets on top of the glass table and
starts dancing.
Dave sits down on the couch next to the girl that was
making out with Tim so that he could sit back and watch her
dance.
The girl dancing on the table leans over, grabs Tommy‟s

shirt, pulls him into her and makes out with him. Then she
moves on to kiss Ryan.
The other girl goes back to making out with Tim while
rubbing Dave‟s leg up and down.
The other girl is still making out with Ryan.
BILL
Hey what about me?
The girl turns to Bill and starts making out with him.
BILL
That‟s what I‟m talking about.
After awhile Bill aggressively picks her up and throws her

on the couch as she laughs. Bill, Tommy and Ryan sit down
on the couch around her and start groping her.
Tim‟s girl stands up, grabs both Tim‟s and Dave‟s hands and
leads them to a bedroom.
Behind her back, Tim and Dave high five each other as they
walk down the hallway.
TOMMY (V.O.)
We ended up having some fun for
an hour or so. A lot of fun.
LATER ON
Tommy walks out of the bathroom, still zipping up his

pants, and walks by a bedroom whose door is slightly ajar.
He looks into in and sees Tim and Dave‟s girl laying on her
stomach passed out in bed.
Then he walks into the living room area and sees the other
girl passed out on the couch with a blanket over her.
Next he walks into the
KITCHEN
And sees all the guys in there hanging out, drinking beers.
TOMMY
Hey guys, what‟s up now?
TIM
Well those girls will be out for
a while, I highly doubt they can
really handle their shit. So
let‟s go gambling, they‟ll be
fine here.
BILL
You know what‟s not fine? Having
to see Ryan‟s balls practically
in my face before.
RYAN
Oh like you didn‟t like it.
DAVE
(looks at Tim)
Well at least you didn‟t cross
(MORE)
DAVE (cont‟d)
swords with this douchebag though.
TIM
Sorry, when you‟re as big as me
it‟s bound to happen in a three-
some.
DAVE
Stop flattering yourself, you‟re
not that big.
TOMMY
OK, let‟s cut the shit and do
something, yeah, yeah, yeah
congratulations to everybody for
just getting laid but I‟m starting
to come down so I really need to
do something.
TIM
OK, let‟s do one more line and
we‟ll hit up the floor downstairs.
INT. – BORGATA HOTEL AND CASINO, CASINO FLOOR
All five guys are sitting around a blackjack table –

gambling, drinking, laughing with each other and just
having fun.
TOMMY
I am so fucking high right now.
TIM
Enjoy it while it lasts.
At the end of the next hand, Ryan goes bust.
RYAN
Well I‟m done. I‟m out of money.
Ryan stands up from the table dejected.
At the end of the next hand, Bill goes bust.
BILL
Yep, me too. I‟m not broke but
I don‟t want to give the Borgata
any more of my money right now.
Bill stands up from the table pissed off. He throws

punches indiscriminately in the air.
BILL
(yells out)
Fuck!
TIM
Alright fellas, well it‟s no fun
playing with only half of us.
Let‟s hit up another place.
DAVE
Cool, what are you thinking?
TIM
I know this BYOB strip club down
the street from here. They don‟t
have the best chicks but it‟s
BYOB and they have great popcorn.
TOMMY
Popcorn?
TIM
Yeah, popcorn, trust me.
(pause)
Come on, let‟s take the party
bus to a liquor store and get
another cooler full of some beers
and whiskey.
Tim, Tommy and Dave grab their remaining chips from the
table and walk away with Bill and Ryan.
EXT. – DARK STREET IN ATLANTIC CITY – NIGHT
Dave and Ryan are carrying a cooler while the five guys
walk down the street.
They are in the middle of a conversation.
TIM
I‟m gonna go up in that VIP room
and show a stripper who‟s boss.
BILL
Me too bro.
TIM
Now listen boys, my T&E budget can
cover everyone‟s lap dances, within
reason; but VIP room trips, well
that‟s your own responsibility.
I think I‟ll have a tough time
expensing blowjobs.
BILL
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fully, I got
you bro.
Tommy and Dave see a fight break out down the road in front
of the strip club.
TOMMY
Yo, look at that down there, by
the strip club…a fight!
DAVE
Let‟s check it out!
Dave, Tommy and Tim run down the street to see what the
fuss is all about, Bill and Ryan follow behind in a quick
walk while carrying the cooler.
Dave and Tommy are standing with the crowd watching five,
six guys fighting.
One of the guys gets pushed into Tommy.
TOMMY
What the fuck asshole?!?
Tommy pushes him away and into somebody else. This leads
that guy‟s friend to push Tommy which leads Dave to punch
him.
Tim gets into the act by punching a guy next to him and all
hell breaks loose.
A large brawl erupts on the sidewalk and into the street.
In the mayhem, Tommy gets a few punches off on random

individuals.
Bill and Ryan put the cooler down and enter the fray. Bill
runs up on the hood of a car, jumps off and lands on a guy,
knocking him to the ground.
Several police cars drive up with their lights flashing and

sirens blaring.
In the heat of the fight, someone grabs Tommy by the

shoulder.
TOMMY
Get the fuck off me, motherfucker!
Without even looking, Tommy turns, takes a swing and

punches the person behind him right in the face. It was a
police officer.
Tommy sighs once he notices he knocked down a cop.
TOMMY
Ohhh shit.
Another police officer comes up and hits Tommy in the back

with a baton. Tommy falls to the ground.
ATLANTIC CITY COP

Get down! Get down! Get the fuck
down!
Three cops get on top of Tommy to subdue him then they pick
him up and slam him against the hood of a police car.
ATLANTIC CITY COP

You‟re under arrest asshole!
The cops continue to punch him in the stomach as he‟s being

handcuffed against the car.
TOMMY
I know, I know.
The cops put him in the back seat of a police car.
Tim, Dave, Bill and Ryan watch the whole scene unfold from
the sidewalk as helpless bystanders.
DAVE
Tommy, don‟t worry, we‟ll bail you
out!
RYAN
Yeah, we‟ll go down to the station
and get you out as soon as we can.
TOMMY
Thanks guys. Free Tommy!
TIM
No worries man, stay strong!
INT. – ATLANTIC CITY JAIL
Tommy is sitting down on a bench in a large holding cell,

surrounded by a bunch of shady characters – PIMPS, GAY
PROSTITUTES, DRUG DEALERS and SCAM ARTISTS.
Tommy is one of the few white guys in the cell. Depressed,

he puts his head back against the wall and looks up at the
ceiling.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Not surprisingly, jail in Atlantic
City featured every kind of
degenerate imaginable – pimps,
prostitutes, drug dealers, an
assortment of scam artists…and me,
I guess I‟m a degenerate.
A large, intimidating man approaches Tommy.
LARGE MAN IN HOLDING CELL #1

You‟re in my seat boy.
Tommy reluctantly stands up and moves to another empty spot

on the bench as the man sits down.
Once he gets settled another large, intimidating man

approaches Tommy.

Now you‟re in my seat boy.
Again Tommy stands up and moves to another empty spot on

the bench as the man sits down.
Once he gets settled again another large, intimidating man

approaches Tommy.

What are you doing in here?
TOMMY
I, I punched up a cop.

You? You punched a cop?
TOMMY
Yes.
The large man looks around and laughs with many of the
other guys in the holding cell since he can‟t believe that
a guy like Tommy would ever hit a cop.

Really, what do you think, you‟re
tough or something?
TOMMY
Not at all.

You don‟t look tough.
TOMMY
I‟m not.

Stand up.
TOMMY
(confused)
What?

Stand up, I want to see how tough
you really are.
TOMMY
I‟d rather not see that.
The large man literally picks Tommy up off the bench and
punches him in the stomach.
Tommy immediately falls down and starts coughing.

You look like a bitch to me! You
ain‟t so tough.
TOMMY
(coughs)
I‟m not trying to be.
Tommy gets on his hands and knees as he tries to stand up

but just as he‟s struggling to stand he gets kicked in the
ribs.
This knocks him right down again, he continues to cough and

even spits up a little blood.
Luckily, a JAIL GUARD approaches the cell and interrupts

the action.
JAIL GUARD
Thomas Parker.
Tommy looks up at the jail guard from the ground.
TOMMY
(coughs)
Yes?
JAIL GUARD
Let‟s go, you‟ve been released on
bail.
EXT. – ATLANTIC CITY BOARDWALK – MORNING
Tommy, Dave, Ryan, Bill and Tim are walking down a near
empty Boardwalk early in the morning.
TOMMY
Thanks for bailing me out guys.
DAVE
Don‟t thank us, thank Tim.
RYAN
So how was jail?
TOMMY
How do you think it was? I got
my ass kicked in there.
BILL
Yeah, I bet. They sure do like
their clean cut white boys in there.
TOMMY
What happened to the girls? I
could use a hummer to forget my
night in the can.
TIM
Well unless you want Ryan to polish
you off, you‟re out of luck. The
girls woke up this morning, we did
some ecstasy and then I sent them
on their way back to the city on
the Greyhound Bus.
TOMMY
Bummer.
(pause)
But seriously Tim, thanks for
bailing me out.
TIM
No problem my man.
TOMMY
You think my parents will find
out?
TIM
Not unless you tell them.
TOMMY
Good.
DAVE
So what‟s the next steps with this
who thing? I mean you did get
arrested for punching a cop. I‟d
figure that‟s a big deal.
TOMMY
I have a hearing in two weeks, so
I have to come back down for that.
DAVE
Shit, that sucks.
TOMMY
Yeah, I‟m thinking about just
pleading guilty so that I can avoid
coming down here all the time.
(pause)
I figure they‟ll take it easy on
me since it‟s my first offense.
RYAN
Well before you go down that route
make sure you know what you‟re
getting yourself into. You don‟t
want to plead guilty then find
out after the fact that you have
to serve 3-5 years in the state
prison.
TOMMY
I know, I know.
TIM
Don‟t worry Tommy, I have a good
lawyer, he‟ll give you some
consultation and advice.
TOMMY
Thanks.
DAVE
Well should we just head home
now guys?
TOMMY
Let‟s get some Bloodies first,
I have to dull the pain of the
kick to the side that I took
in jail.
TIM
Good idea, bloodies it is then.
INT. – COURTHOUSE
Tommy is standing up in front of a judge in a large court

room.
The JUDGE, a white-haired, older and distinguished

gentleman, looks at Tommy sternly.
JUDGE
Thomas Parker as part of your
plea bargain deal you have agreed
to plead guilty to simple assault.
Is that correct?
TOMMY
Yes your honor.
JUDGE
With that said, your sentence will
be 150 hours of community service
to be completed in the Atlantic City
area as well as time served. And
you will be on probation for the
next two years.
TOMMY
Thank you your honor.
JUDGE
In addition to that, since at the
time of your arrest your blood
alcohol level was twice the legal
limit and unspecified narcotics
were found in your blood system,
you will also be required to
fulfill a substance abuse program.
This program can be completed
back in New York City. Do you
understand this as well?
TOMMY
Yes your honor.
JUDGE
Let me also speak off the record
for a second. Son, you seem like
a very bright, decent human being;
but the choices you seem to make
are not always very bright. Smarten
up son, for your own sake, or there‟s
no telling where you‟ll end up.
I have faith in you which is why
I went lenient on you in your
sentencing, don‟t make me look like
a fool and don‟t screw up this
second chance I‟m giving you.
TOMMY
I won‟t sir, thank you.
JUDGE
OK, you‟re dismissed.
Tommy walks over to the seating area and approaches Dave,

Ryan and Bill who all came out to the hearing.
TOMMY
Thanks guys for coming all the way
down to Atlantic City to support me.
DAVE
Hey man, we‟re all in this together.
BILL
Yeah, plus I wanted another chance
to win back my money at the Borgata.
RYAN
150 hours of community service,
that‟s a lot of trips down to
Atlantic City.
TOMMY
Fuck I know, but it‟s better than
the alternative.
DAVE
I know, prison is definitely not
for you.
TOMMY
Let‟s just get the hell out of
here and back to New York.
The guys walk out of the court room and into
THE COURTHOUSE HALLWAY
BILL
I‟m intrigued over this substance
abuse program that you have to
enter.
TOMMY
How so?
BILL
Well come on, think about it.
Several drunk chicks with drug
problems in the same room? Talk
about a target rich environment.
TOMMY
Knowing my luck it‟ll be a bunch of
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
retired old men who have nothing
better to do than drink Milwaukee‟s
Best all day long.
BILL
Still I‟ll take my chances, I think
I‟ll join you for these meetings.
(pause)
For support obviously…and also for
scouting out my next few dates.
TOMMY
Fine, you‟re in. I could use the
company.
EXT. – STREET IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN - DAY
Tommy is in his car trying to get it started but it won‟t

start. He tries several times then gets frustrated and
hits his head on the steering wheel.
TOMMY (V.O.)
I wanted to get my community
service over as quickly as possible
so for the next eleven weekends
I went down to Atlantic City on
Saturday and Sunday and worked in
a homeless shelter for seven hours
each day. I‟d go down early in
the morning then come back in the
evening. I did that two days in
a row each weekend.
Tommy gets out of his car and looks under the hood to try
to identify the problem.
TOMMY (cont‟d)
Unfortunately by the fourth week
my car broke down for good. It
was old and it had way too many
miles on it. So I had to take
the Greyhound Bus for the rest
of my community service.
INT. – GREYHOUND BUS - DAY
Tommy is sitting by the window on the Greyhound Bus,

looking out at the sights of New Jersey with the New York
City skyline in the distance, listening to his iPod.
INT. – ATLANTIC CITY HOMELESS SHELTER
Tommy is standing behind a counter serving soup to

countless number of homeless people waiting in line for
some food.
INT. – GREYHOUND BUS – NIGHT
Tommy is leaning against the window on the Greyhound Bus,

he‟s dead asleep as the bus drives along the New Jersey
Turnpike with the New York City skyline in the distance.
Tommy comes home at night to a quiet, lonely apartment. He

walks into the
KITCHEN
And grabs a pint of ice cream from the freezer. Then he

walks into the
LIVING ROOM AREA
And sits down on the couch. He turns on his TV and finds a

black-and-white film from the 1940‟s on the TV.
He turns off his lamp so that he‟s sitting in darkness with

only the TV providing light.
He gets comfortable on his couch and puts on a Snuggie,

then he starts eating his ice cream and watches the movie
quietly by himself.
INT. – ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING ROOM
Tommy and Bill are sitting in the back of a classroom

during an AA meeting.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Working in the homeless shelter
was depressing, but going to AA
(MORE)

meetings and hearing everyone‟s
sad stories was even more
depressing, if that‟s even possible.
There were sad saps everywhere
throughout this room.
Tommy looks at a college-aged guy sitting in the row in

front of him.

This kid in front of me, he can‟t
do anything without a drink. I
call him a kid because he‟s still
in college, not even old enough to
legally drink. But that doesn‟t
stop him from waking up in the
morning and making himself a stiff
drink, usually a Screwdriver.
When he has an exam, instead of
studying before it, he drinks;
he drinks before his lacrosse
practices and especially before
his games, he drinks throughout
Parents‟ Weekend in order to deal
with them. He just drinks.
Tommy looks at a middle-aged man sitting a few rows in

front of him.

That man lost his business because
he was drunk all the time, literally
24-7.
Tommy looks at another middle-aged man sitting a few rows

in front of him on the other side.

This man routinely beat his wife
after coming home from the bar late
at night. Naturally he got divorced,
but he was also convicted of domestic
violence and served a year in prison.
His kids haven‟t talked to him since
six Christmases ago. He lost his
whole family.
Tommy looks at a very pretty, young girl sitting in the

first row.

That girl over there is a piece
of work. She was the resident
whore at her local dive bar. She
would get blackout drunk five
nights of the week and go home
with any guy that gave her the
time of day. By last count she
has three different kinds of STDs
and a kid whose father remains
unknown because she was blacked
out when she met him and he left
during the middle of the night
while she was passed out.
Tommy looks around the room at all the sad people.

This is totally depressing…and
I have to do this once a week
for six months.
(pause)
At least Bill would come out with
me occasionally to provide company
and entertainment…mostly
entertainment.
While the moderator is at the front of the room talking,

Bill leans over and whispers to Tommy.
Bill is staring at a very attractive girl in her late

twenties sitting a row in front of them.
BILL
(whispers)
Look at that girl over there Tommy,
she‟s adorable.
Tommy looks at the girl.
TOMMY
(whispers)
Yeah she‟s cute.
BILL
(whispers)
Gimme a piece of paper.
TOMMY
(whispers)
What?
BILL
(whispers)
Gimme a piece of paper!
TOMMY
(whispers)
Why?
BILL
(whispers)
I‟m going to write a note to her.
Tommy rips a piece of paper out of his notebook and gives

it to Bill.
Bill quickly scribbles a note on it.
BILL
(whispers)
I‟m going to see if she wants to
grab a drink afterwards.
TOMMY
(incredulously)
A drink!?! Are you fucking nuts?
BILL
(whispers)
What? If she‟s here I know she
must like to drink.
Bill tries to get the girl‟s attention.
BILL
Pssst!
Bill reaches out and taps her shoulder, the girl turns to
look back at him. When she does that he gives her a folded
up piece of paper.
The girl opens up the note and reads it:

“Hi, I think you‟re cute. Do U want to grab a drink
tonight after this?”
The girl initially looks shocked over reading the note.

Then after thinking about it for a moment she smiles, turns
around, looks at Bill and nods her head “yes.”
Bill gives her a thumbs up then looks at Tommy.
BILL
(whispers)
There you go Tommy, it‟s all good.
TOMMY
Unbelievable.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Although I didn‟t miss a meeting
during the six months, I wasn‟t
a saint either.
INT. – OLD TOWN BAR, GRAMERCY
Tommy, Dave, Ryan and Bill are standing in a semi-circle at

the bar. They pound an Irish car bomb together then give
each other high fives.

I still drank…a lot. Maybe not
as much as I used to, I couldn‟t,
some times I was so exhausted
from doing my community service
over the weekends that I didn‟t
go out afterwards. But I still
drank, maybe four night a week.
I don‟t know, this AA stuff wasn‟t
resonating with me.
INT. – ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING ROOM

That is until I went to this
meeting right here and I listened
to a guy that very well could
have been me. It was almost like
looking in a mirror, only he was
a few years older than me, so it
(MORE)

was like getting a personal visit
from the Ghost of Christmas Yet
To Come.
ANTHONY, a handsome guy in his late twenties, stands up and

walks to the front of the room, ready to address everyone.
ANTHONY
Hi everybody, I‟m Anthony. Pardon
me if I stutter through this at
times, I‟m not much of a public
speaker and I‟m a little nervous.
AA MODERATOR
That‟s OK Anthony, you‟re doing
fine.
ANTHONY
I‟ve been in recovery for about
eight months now, but before then
I was a hardcore drinker for a
little over six years or so. I
started out drinking in high school
like most other people. It was
social drinking, you know a keg
party every once in a while on the
weekends when someone‟s parents
were away on vacation. It was no
big deal, sure we‟d get a little
too drunk once in a while but we
all thought that was just a part
of growing up. Then in college it
was pretty much the same thing –
we‟d go out for happy hours,
Thursday nights, the weekends; my
Fraternity would throw a couple
blow out parties a semester. But
again nothing that I thought was
out of the ordinary for a college
kid like myself. Definitely
nothing that would show signs of a
real problem. I graduated and took
a job in finance. It was then that
I found myself drinking all the time,
and it turned from social drinking
to hard drinking. It was constant.
It was every night, hell it was
(MORE)
ANTHONY (cont‟d)
every breakfast. For the first
few years I shook it off as it just
being a function of my environment –
“heck everyone else was doing it,
it can‟t be that bad, why shouldn‟t
I do it then?” That ended up being
a dangerous road to go down. After
a while I felt like I was losing
control of my life. Everything
started revolving around my drinking
and partying. I missed meetings, I
missed scheduled appointments, I
missed deadlines. I became completely
unreliable. I started alienating
people, people that didn‟t deserve
it, that didn‟t do anything to me.
I pretty much put everyone in one
of two buckets – those that got
fucked up with me, partied until 4
am on Monday nights, stuff like that
and then there was everybody else.
Sure there was a lot of pressure at
work, but that‟s no excuse. There
was no reason for me to go off the
deep end like that. I used to think
it was mainly because I hung out with
a bunch of enablers. It took me a
while to realize that I was as much
of an enabler as my friends were.
You‟re tired? Fuck you, drink a
Red Bull and Vodka to wake up!
You‟re hungover? OK, let me grab
you a Bloody Mary? You‟re sick?
We‟ll there‟s no better cure than
a stiff shot of whiskey. I wasn‟t
like this growing up, that wasn‟t
what my life was about. I didn‟t
even recognize myself anymore, and
what‟s worse was that my family
and childhood friends didn‟t
recognize me either. It was
embarrassing and I didn‟t like it.
AA MODERATOR
So after all those years of hard
drinking, what made you finally
seek help?
ANTHONY
I don‟t know, I don‟t think it was
one incident that compelled me to
seek help. I think I just got tired
of everything. As clichéd as it
sounds, I looked at myself in the
mirror and I didn‟t like what I saw.
(pause)
I wanted to get back to a simpler
time when life wasn‟t so complicated.
I think my drinking made my life
unnecessarily complicated. Life is
difficult as it is, I don‟t need
to have an extra level of difficulty
added to it by my own actions.
(pause)
So I‟m recovering now, and sometimes
it‟s a struggle, but overall I feel
great, much better than I‟ve felt
in years.
AA MODERATOR
Thanks Anthony.
The moderator applauds Anthony‟s speech which leads

everyone else to applaud him. One of the loudest to
applaud is Tommy.
LATER ON
The moderator is wrapping up the session.
AA MODERATOR
(looks at his watch)
OK everyone, it looks like we‟re
just about out of time for today.
Thank you all for coming out
tonight and I‟ll see you all next
week.
Everyone stands up and gathers their things to leave.
Bill walks up to the girl that he was flirting with before

as Tommy walks up to the front of the room.
BILL
So, nice to meet you girl. I‟ve
noticed you at these meetings
a couple times before.
REHAB GIRL
Yeah me too.
BILL
So where do you want to go?
REHAB GIRL
I don‟t know, not too far from
here since my subway back to
Brooklyn is right around the
corner. But I could use a strong
margarita after sitting through
this meeting.
(pause)
I don‟t want to be here, it‟s a
court ordered thing. I have to
do it.
BILL
Oh so does my friend!
REHAB GIRL
So why are you here?
BILL
I just come here to give my good
friend some support. I don‟t have
any problem whatsoever.
Tommy approaches Anthony and shakes his hand.
TOMMY
Excuse me, Anthony?
ANTHONY
(turns to look to Tommy)
Yes?
TOMMY
I just wanted to thank you, I
found your speech very inspiring.
ANTHONY
Oh no problem, thank you.
TOMMY
A lot of things you said really
hit home for me. I think I‟m
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
finally ready for a change in
my own life.
ANTHONY
That‟s good to hear. I think
a lot of it is mind over matter.
If you‟re prepared to truly make
a change then you can do it, with
the proper support of course.
TOMMY
Cool, good meeting you.
Tommy walks out of the classroom into
THE HALLWAY
Bill is hanging out with the girl, waiting for Tommy.
BILL
Tommy, you ready? We‟re going to
grab margaritas.
TOMMY
That‟s OK, you go ahead without me.
BILL
(perplexed)
What?
TOMMY
Yeah, I‟m not in the mood tonight.
BILL
You‟re always in the mood though.
TOMMY
I know, I‟m just not feeling it
tonight.
BILL
OK, you‟re loss.
Bill grabs the girl‟s hand and walks down the hallway.
BILL
Let‟s go honey. See you later
Tommy.
EXT. – NON-DESCRIPT, QUIET MANHATTAN STREET – NIGHT
Tommy is walking aimlessly down a quiet, almost residential

looking, street in Manhattan. Cars periodically pass him
along the road. He looks deep in thought.
Tommy is sitting on his couch, alone, just watching TV.
After a while he eyes his cell phone that‟s sitting on his

coffee table. He contemplates picking it up and making a
call for a few moments.
He finally grabs it and calls his mother.

Tommy, I‟m so glad to hear your
voice.
After a dramatic pause where we doesn‟t say anything, Tommy

finally opens his mouth.
TOMMY
I want to come home.

(concerned)
Are you OK?
TOMMY
No.

What‟s wrong?
TOMMY
I just want to come home.

For good?
Another dramatic pause.
TOMMY
Yes, for good.

Talk to me honey, what‟s going on?
TOMMY
I just want to come home now, I
think it‟s time.

What about your job?
TOMMY
I don‟t care about it anymore.

You don‟t?
TOMMY
No, I just want to come home.

OK. You know that we always have
a room ready for you to come back
to. In fact, I‟ll go up there
and dust it tonight and wash your
sheets tomorrow morning.
TOMMY
Thanks, I‟ll call you tomorrow
to let you know exactly when I‟m
coming back.

OK honey.
TOMMY
Bye.
Tommy hangs up the phone then continues watching TV for a

little bit.
Next he stands up, walks over to his desk and turns on his
computer.
Once the computer is up and running, he sits down and

begins writing his resignation letter.
He speaks out loud as he types up his letter.
TOMMY
“Dear sir, it‟s been an honor
working for you at Lombardi &
(MORE)
TOMMY (cont‟d)
Hamilton but now I must say that
it‟s time for me to move on.
Therefore, I am resigning my
position effective immediately…”
Tommy walks into the store and sees the female employee
that he took on a date folding clothes towards the back of
the store.
He slowly makes his way towards her. Once she notices him
coming her way she looks away, trying her best to ignore
his presence.
Tommy walks right up to her, but she completely ignores

him, opting to continue folding clothes instead.
TOMMY
(innocently)
Hey.
She doesn‟t even look at him.
GAP EMPLOYEE
What are you doing here?
TOMMY
(nervously)
I just wanted to say…um, I just
wanted to say, I‟m sorry.
GAP EMPLOYEE
You know you made me feel so cheap
and so stupid.
TOMMY
I was an asshole. I know.
GAP EMPLOYEE
I don‟t think you do. I called and
texted you like 10 times after that
night you took me out. And I never
heard from you again.
(pause)
What was I? Just another one of
your little whores?
TOMMY
No, not at all.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Then tell me, what was I to you?
You fucked me then never talked to
me again, that‟s a whore to me.
(pause)
I bet you and your little loser
friends had a good laugh at my
expense. I have feelings too,
but I don‟t expect you to understand
that.
(pause)
You know Tommy, I actually liked
you and I thought I had a great
time with you that night we went
out. Boy was I foolish.
TOMMY
I like you too and I had a great
time with you too. I‟ve changed,
believe me I‟ve changed. I‟m
sorry I‟ve hurt you, that was
stupid of me.
After thinking for a moment, she slaps Tommy.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Fuck you, get out of my life.
Tommy just looks at her with a very sad look on his face.
TOMMY
I truly am sorry.
GAP EMPLOYEE
Go.
TOMMY
OK.
With his head hung low, Tommy turns around and slowly walks
away from her. She continues folding clothes.
TOMMY‟S CUBE
Tommy is standing in his cube, pacing around, waiting for

his boss to arrive at the office in the morning.
Dave, who sits in a cube close by him, sees Dave pacing

nervously in his cube so he shouts out to him.
DAVE
Tommy, are you OK?
TOMMY
Yeah, why do you ask?
DAVE
I don‟t know, you‟re pacing around
your cube, you look a bit nervous.
TOMMY
Nah, I‟m fine.
Tommy‟s boss walks by the cube farm and over to his office.
He opens the door and enters his office.
TOMMY
(to himself)
Game time.
Tommy grabs his resignation letter from his desk and walks
over to
TOMMY‟S BOSS‟S OFFICE
Tommy‟s Boss is sitting behind his desk working on his

computer when Tommy approaches the office and knocks on the
door.
Tommy‟s Boss looks up to acknowledge him.
TOMMY‟S BOSS
Hey Tommy, come on in.
Tommy walks into the office.
TOMMY‟S BOSS
What can I do for you?
Tommy doesn‟t say anything and just places his resignation

letter in front of him on his desk.
Tommy‟s Boss glances at the letter and then looks

confusingly at Tommy.
TOMMY
I‟m done sir.
With that, Tommy turns around and walks out of the office.
TOMMY‟S CUBE
Tommy walks back into his cube, looks around and grabs a
framed picture of him as a child with his parents, he looks
so happy and innocent in the picture.
He also grabs another framed photo of him hugging his dog.
He stares at both pictures for a bit then turns away and

walks out of his cube and over to
DAVE‟S CUBE
TOMMY
(innocently)
Hey Dave.
Dave turns around and sees Tommy.
DAVE
What‟s up dude.
Tommy extends his hand to shake Dave‟s hand.
TOMMY
I‟m leaving Dave.
DAVE
(perplexed)
What do you mean?
TOMMY
I just quit.
DAVE
Wait, why?
TOMMY
This isn‟t me.
DAVE
So where are you going?
TOMMY
Home.
DAVE
To Tennessee?
TOMMY
Yeah.
DAVE
Why are you leaving all this? We‟re
having so much fun.
TOMMY
I know, but I realized that it‟s
not for me.
DAVE
What can I do to change your mind?
TOMMY
Nothing, it‟s already done.
DAVE
(surprised)
Ummm, OK. Good luck then.
Dave stands up and gives Tommy a hug.
TOMMY
Thank you.
DAVE
So what are you going to do now?
TOMMY
I don‟t know…I don‟t know.
Tommy walks away from Dave‟s cube, while Dave still stands
there in shock.
EXT. – STREET IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN – DAY
Tommy starts his car and drives down the street.
TOMMY (V.O.)
A few weeks before, I finally sucked
it up and spent over $1,000 to fix
my car. Turns out it was money well
spent because I was able to drive
home now.
Tommy drives down the highway with the New York City
skyline in the distance.
Tommy drives in the fast lane through Virginia, West

Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania heading back home to
Tennessee.
EXT. – I-40 & TN-55 HIGHWAYS IN TENNESSEE – DAY
Tommy passes all the scenic views of Tennessee as he goes

from TN-55 to I-40 then he heads off of the highway and
into a very rural area.
EXT. – RURAL COMMUNITIES IN TENNESSEE – DAY
He makes his way past the rural farms and homes in the
small town communities of Tennessee. He drives by the Jack
Daniel‟s Distillery and heads to the town center.
EXT. – LYNCHBURG, TENNESSEE, TOWN CENTER – DAY
Tommy drives slowly through the small town center. He

pulls over in front of his father‟s old looking General
Store.
He gets out of his car, grabs a large duffel bag that was
in the passenger‟s seat then walks into his dad‟s General
Store.
TOMMY (V.O.)
Home sweet home.
FADE OUT

The Cool Kids Screenplay

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The Cool Kids Screenplay

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“The Cool Kids”

Original Screenplay Written By Jason Wiese

INT. – TOMMY‟S BEDROOM AT HIS PARENT‟S COUNTRY HOME

TOMMY PARKER, a young wide-eyed innocent 22 year old, is

TOMMY‟S MOTHER is the quintessential old Southerner mother;

Upon hearing his mother in the room, Tommy quickly finishes

His mother pinches his cheeks.

TOMMY‟S FATHER, a tall older, refined Southern gentleman

The dad gives his son a firm, hearty handshake.

TOMMY‟S FATHER (cont‟d)

Tommy‟s dad pats his son on the back to reassure him.

Tommy‟s mother hugs him.

Tommy‟s dad reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few

Tommy picks up a large bag of clothes and is ready to

Tommy‟s mother sheds a tear as she hugs him.

Tommy‟s dad gives Tommy another handshake.

Tommy walks out of the bedroom, followed closely by his

EXT. – TOMMY‟S PARENTS‟ COUNTRY HOME – DAY

Tommy cautiously backs out of the dirt driveway in his old,

As Tommy backs out onto the street, his parents wave

EXT. – LYNCHBURG, TENNESSEE, TOWN CENTER – DAY

Tommy starts out by driving through the small center square

EXT. – RURAL COMMUNITIES IN TENNESSEE – DAY

EXT. – TN-55 & I-40 HIGHWAYS IN TENNESSEE – DAY

Tommy is driving cautiously in the slow lane, passing all

EXT. – I-81 HIGHWAY – DAY

Still driving in the slow lane, Tommy travels through

EXT. – I-78 HIGHWAY – DAY

INT. – TOMMY‟S CAR

A big smile covers Tommy‟s face as he sees the familiar

EXT. – HOLLAND TUNNEL – DAY

Tommy drives up to the tunnel and waits behind a long line

INT. – A STUDIO APARTMENT IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN

A raspy-voiced, middle-aged female realtor is showing Tommy

FEMALE REALTOR (cont‟d)

The realtor excitedly walks over to the window of the

FEMALE REALTOR (cont‟d)

Tommy slowly walks over to the window to check out the

The realtor points to the corner of the window where they

FEMALE REALTOR (cont‟d)

Tommy continues to look around the apartment in amazement

FEMALE REALTOR (cont‟d)

The realtor leads Tommy toward the front door.

EXT. – STREET OUTSIDE OF TOMMY‟S APARTMENT IN BAY RIDGE,

Tommy is unloading the trunk of his Saturn and moving boxes

INT. – TOMMY‟S STUDIO APARTMENT

Tommy‟s new apartment is virtually empty with only a few

Tommy walks into the apartment and sets up his small TV on

Since he doesn‟t have cable yet, he has to play around with

Once he gets the TV set up, Tommy sets up his folding

Tommy walks over to the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of

He digs through a box next to the chair until he finds the

He stays on the PBS station and starts watching

After about a minute of sitting silently watching PBS, he

Once at the door he notices that something has been slipped

Tommy bends down and sees that it‟s a Chinese take-out

After perusing the menu, Tommy decides to order dinner so

LATER ON IN THE APARTMENT

Tommy is sitting on his folding chair, watching

After several bites, Tommy‟s cell phone rings and he

Tommy hangs up the phone and just continues watching PBS as

EXT. – 3rd AVENUE IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN

After he grabs his paper he walks into

INT. – ANAPOLI‟S DINER IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN