CHOSEN

Barbara Hannay
ADOPTED: OUTBACK BABY
© 2008 by Barbara Hannay First Published 2008
Australian Copyright 2008 Fifth Australian Paperback Edition 2015
New Zealand Copyright 2008 ISBN 978 148876550 6

OUTBACK WIFE AND MOTHER

© 1999 by Barbara Hannay First Published 1999
Australian Copyright 1999 Second Australian Paperback Edition 2015
New Zealand Copyright 1999 ISBN 978 148876550 6

RANCHER’S TWINS: MOM NEEDED

© 2011 by Barbara Hannay First Published 2011
Australian Copyright 2011 Second Australian Paperback Edition 2015
New Zealand Copyright 2011 ISBN 978 148876550 6

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 CHAPTER ONE

The service was over.

Nell knew she must get up and walk outside, but she wasn’t
sure she could trust her legs to carry her. She had never felt
so bereft, didn’t know how to cope with the sense of loss.
It was so much worse today than twenty years ago, when
they’d taken Tegan away from her. She had been in hospital
then, too ill and medicated to fully understand what was hap-
pening. This week, a highway smash that rated a thirty-sec-
ond mention on the six o’clock news had taken her daughter
away from her for ever. Today there was nothing to deaden
Nell’s pain.
Her memories of Tegan were so few. And so cruel. The
newborn bundle in her arms, the strong little limbs kicking
against the tightly wrapped blanket, just as they had kicked
in her womb. The little face and bright, dark eyes. The soft
cap of dark hair, the tiny red mouth. The unique, newborn
smell of her.
The memories cut into Nell and she wished she could
gather her pain around her and disappear completely. It was
a blessing, at least, that everyone’s sympathy had been show-
 adopted: outback baby 13

ered on Jean and Bill Browne, the couple who had adopted
Tegan. Nell knew she must go and speak to them, just as
soon as she regained her composure.
‘Nell?’
Nell turned stiffly and saw Jean approaching the end of
her pew, twisting a damp handkerchief as she peered at her
anxiously.
‘Jean.’ With a hand on the back of the pew for support, Nell
struggled to her feet. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you yet.’
The two women—adoptive mother and birth mother—
stood, facing each other. Jean Browne looked exhausted,
her pale blue eyes rimmed with red, her short grey hair flat
and lifeless.
‘Please—’ The women had met before, on the day after
the accident, but now, unable to think clearly, to find the
right words, Nell clung to formalities. ‘Please accept my
condolences.’
Jean’s pale eyes swam with tears. ‘This is hard for you,
too.’
‘Yes.’ Fighting a dull headache, Nell gathered up her hand-
bag and continued along the pew on unsteady legs. ‘I’ve
mentioned this to you before, but I want you to know that
I’m very, very grateful to you and Bill. You gave Tegan a
wonderfully happy home and—and everything she needed.’
Jean nodded, sent Nell a fleeting, watery smile, then her
face crumpled. ‘You were such a help the other day. I’ve been
hoping to speak to you. About the baby.’
Nell pressed shaking fingers to her mouth. She’d broken
down completely during the eulogy, when the speaker had
mentioned Tegan’s little son, born just a few short weeks ago.
‘I had to leave Sam with a sitter today,’ Jean said. ‘But I
14 barbara hannay

knew that you would like to see him again, especially as Mr

Tucker’s here as well.’
‘Mr Tucker?’
‘Tegan’s father.’
If Nell hadn’t been clutching the back of the pew, she
would almost certainly have fallen.
Jacob Tucker was here?
Had he been here throughout the funeral?
An unbearable, thrilling, panicky terror gripped her as
Jean flicked a sideways glance back down the aisle. Like
the needle of a magnet, Nell whirled around and there was
Jacob, standing at the back of the chapel, near the door, tall
and stern, with his shoulders back.
His face was partly in shadow but there was no mistak-
ing his chiselled features. All trace of the smooth-skinned
boy had vanished, but his strong brows and nose, the hand-
some cleft in his chin, were still, after twenty years, pain-
fully familiar.
He was wearing a dark suit but, despite the city clothes, the
Outback clung to him like a second skin. It was there in the
tan on his skin, in the hard-packed leanness of his body, in
the creases at his eyes, in the way he stood, poised for action.
And there was a roughness about him now that was un-
settling. Devastating.
Nell could still remember with perfect clarity the first
time she’d seen him in her father’s stables, remembered
the shock of attraction that had startled her, enslaved her. She
remembered, too, the awful morning on the river bank, the
last time she had seen him.
Apart from the occasional photo in cattlemen’s maga-
zines—and yes, she’d scanned them regularly, hungry for
any news of Jacob Tucker—she knew next to nothing about
 adopted: outback baby 15

his life. He’d become a very successful grazier, but there had
been no contact between them in twenty years so his private
life was a blank.
‘I’ve already spoken to Mr Tucker,’ Jean said.
On cue, from the back of the chapel, Jacob offered Nell an
unsmiling, almost imperceptible dip of his head.
Her heart pounded. Now she could see the expression in
his eyes, the way he looked at her with a mixture of pain
and contempt.
She tightened her grip on the back of the pew. With an-
other despairing glance at Jacob, she turned back to Jean.
‘I’m sorry. What were you saying?’
‘I thought Mr Tucker might like to meet Sam. And I
wanted to talk to you both, if possible. I have a problem,
you see.’
A stranger, a woman in a green felt hat, bustled into the
chapel. ‘Oh, there you are, Jean. Sorry, we thought we’d lost
you.’
‘I won’t be long,’ Jean told her, then she turned quickly
back to Nell. ‘I can’t talk for very long now. I’ve got to take
Bill home and collect the baby from the sitter. But there’s
something I need to discuss with you. And Mr Tucker.’
‘I—I see.’
Jean blew her nose and darted another glance in Jacob’s
direction. And now, as if he’d been waiting for some kind of
signal, he began to walk towards them.
Nell’s breathing faltered. She’d forgotten how big he was,
how broad-shouldered and tall, and as his long strides closed
the gap between them, she had to look up to see his face. She
saw signs of strain in the bleakness of his eyes and in the
vertical lines at either side of his grim mouth.
‘Hello, Nell.’
16 barbara hannay

‘Jacob,’ she managed, but her mouth began to tremble.

She was exhausted and dazed and seeing his stern face was
almost too much.
He said, ‘Mrs Browne has kindly invited me to meet our
grandson.’
Our grandson.
Nell wasn’t sure which word shocked her more. Our sug-
gested that the two of them were still united in some way.
Grandson hinted at an intimate connection over many, many
years, but they were strangers. And not yet forty.
‘Maybe this is the wrong time,’ Jean said, eyeing them
both and sensing their tension. ‘I—I have to go. But I couldn’t
let you both take off without speaking to you.’
‘I’m so glad you did,’ Nell said, clasping the woman’s
hand. ‘And I’d adore seeing Sam again. That’s very kind.
We—’ She swallowed to ease her choked throat.
‘Perhaps you’d rather come separately?’ Jean suggested,
darting a glance of sharp-eyed curiosity from one to the
other.
Nell felt her cheeks grow hot.
‘I think we should come together.’ Jacob spoke directly
to Jean, as if Nell wasn’t there. ‘You won’t want too many
interruptions.’
‘It would certainly be easier if I could discuss my prob-
lem with both of you.’
What was this problem that needed discussing? Nell
wished Jean wasn’t so evasive, but it certainly wasn’t the
time to challenge her.
‘Would tomorrow morning suit?’ Jean asked. ‘Will you
still be in Melbourne, Mr Tucker?’
‘Yes, I’m staying for a few days.’
‘At around eleven?’
 adopted: outback baby 17

‘Eleven suits me fine.’

‘And me,’ Nell agreed.
Jean shoved her damp handkerchief into her handbag and
snapped it shut as if, somehow, the gesture ended the mat-
ter. ‘I’ll see you then.’
With that she turned and scuttled out of the chapel, clearly
relieved to leave Nell and Jacob alone.

Jacob stood at the end of Nell’s pew, blocking her exit. She
took two steps towards him, as if she expected him to be a
gentleman and make way for her, but she was out of luck
today. He’d been to hell and back in this chapel, saying fare-
well to a daughter he had never known, had never held, hadn’t
so much as touched.
No one here could have guessed or understood how he had
loved and missed Tegan, without ever knowing her.
And this woman, whom he’d loved and lost in one short
summer, had given their daughter away. So why was she here
now, pretending she cared?
‘I didn’t expect you to be here,’ he said between tight lips.
Nell shook her head and she was so close to him, he could
smell her perfume, elusive and sweet and unbearably inti-
mate.
‘Why wouldn’t I come?’ Her voice was so choked he could
only just catch the words. ‘This is our daughter’s funeral,
Jacob.’
‘But you gave Tegan away.’
‘No.’
No?
How could she lie? Jacob wanted to confront her, to de-
mand that she retract her lie, but, heaven help him, she looked
so vulnerable and tired. Too pale.
18 barbara hannay

Growing paler…
To his dismay, Nell swayed on her feet and sank down
on to the pew, closed her eyes and hunched over, pressing
her fingers to her temples. He stared at the top of her golden
head and at the play of jewelled lights from a stained glass
window throwing red and blue patterns over her.
Her hair was incredibly shiny and so much neater than he
remembered. As a girl it had flowed in rumpled waves loose
to her shoulders. He reached out a hand, but he didn’t touch
her. ‘Are you OK?’
With her eyes closed, she nodded her head. ‘Just tired
and sad.’
A moment later, her eyes opened and she turned her head
slowly, carefully, almost as if her neck were stiff, and looked
up at him. Her blue eyes were lovely—even lovelier than
he’d remembered. Looking into them, he felt punch-drunk.
‘I really need to go home now,’ she said.
Her weakness launched him into gallantry. The questions
consuming him would have to wait. ‘Of course.’
This time, when he reached down, he touched her sleeve
at the elbow. ‘Let me drive you.’
Pink stole into her cheeks. ‘That’s not necessary.’
‘Did you bring your car?’
‘No,’ she admitted reluctantly. ‘I came by taxi.’
‘Then there’s no argument.’ His hand closed around her
arm and he watched the colour in her cheeks spread. ‘Come
on.’
To his surprise, she didn’t pull away from him, but rose
obediently. Everything felt unreal as they walked together
out of the chapel into sunshine and fresh air. The mourn-
ers had disappeared and the late model Mercedes he’d hired
stood alone in the car park.
 adopted: outback baby 19

From a distance of ten paces, Jacob unlocked it. Its lights

blinked and Nell gave a little mew of surprise.
‘Nice car.’
‘It’s only hired.’ He walked to the passenger’s side and
opened the door for her, watching every elegant movement
as she ducked her head and sat, drawing her slim legs neatly
inside. Grimly, he closed her door, walked around the car
and got in beside her, wishing he could feel calm.
Keep your mind on the traffic. Forget that it’s Nell. And
don’t think about the past. No sense in dragging her into an
argument now.
‘Where to?’ Jacob asked, forcing cheerfulness into his
voice. ‘Would you like to go somewhere for coffee?’
Nell shook her head. ‘I just need to get home, please.’
‘That’s in Toorak, right?’
‘No.’ She quickly donned oversized dark glasses that hid
her expressive eyes. ‘I don’t live there now. I’m in William-
stown.’
Jacob frowned as he started the car and joined the steady
stream of traffic. Williamstown was an attractive bayside
suburb, but it didn’t really make sense that Nell and her bar-
rister husband had moved there. Why would they leave their
exclusive address at Toorak, the Melbourne suburb synony-
mous with opulence and gracious living?
While he was musing over this she asked, ‘Where do you
live these days?’
‘I’m based up in Queensland. Near Roma.’
‘That should be good cattle country.’
‘Yes, it is.’
‘You’ve done well.’
Unsure if this was a statement or a question, Jacob didn’t
respond and he drove for some time in uncomfortable si-
20 barbara hannay

lence. Nell sat very straight and still with her hands in her
lap, while he kept his gaze strictly ahead.
As they reached the Westgate Bridge arching high over
the Yarra River, she asked, ‘Did you know about the baby—
about Tegan’s baby? Before today?’
Jacob turned to her sharply. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I had no idea.
Did you?’
She nodded. ‘Jean contacted me the day after the accident.
She seemed to be struggling with it all and I went over to see
if I could help. I saw Sam then. He’s very cute.’
‘I only found out about Tegan six weeks ago.’ It was dif-
ficult to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
‘So Tegan did write to you?’
‘Yes. Quite a long and chatty letter.’
‘It must have been a shock.’
He cracked a bitter smile. ‘That’s something of an under-
statement. It took me almost a week to recover before I sent
my reply.’ He paused. ‘And then, two days ago, there was
another letter from Jean.’
‘About Tegan’s accident.’
‘And details of the funeral arrangements.’
‘A much worse shock.’
‘Terrible.’ After a bit, he said, ‘Tegan didn’t mention that
she was pregnant.’
‘But I’m so glad she wrote.’
Jacob frowned. ‘You sound as if you were involved some-
how.’
Nell dropped her gaze to her handbag—genuine crocodile
skin, if he wasn’t mistaken. ‘Not really.’
‘Not really? What does that mean?’
She played with the handle of the handbag, running the
tip of her forefinger over the stitching. ‘Tegan wrote to me
 adopted: outback baby 21

and told me she wanted to make contact with you. I told her
what I knew, which wasn’t much more than your name and
your age. She did the rest. You know how clever young peo-
ple are on the Internet these days.’
‘But she’d already had contact with you?’
‘Yes.’
‘How? Through an adoption agency?’
‘Yes.’
Jacob’s hand clenched around the wheel. ‘That doesn’t
make sense. Why couldn’t the agency give her my name too?’
When Nell didn’t answer, he lost patience. ‘Why the hell
did my daughter have to go to you to find out my name?’
‘Jacob, be careful!’
A car horn blasted beside them and Jacob realised he’d
swerved dangerously close to the next lane. Teeth gritted, he
corrected the steering. And then he repeated his question.
‘Why did Tegan have to ask you for my name?’
He sent another sharp glance in Nell’s direction and, de-
spite the obscuring sunglasses, he saw that her cheeks were
flushed, her mouth contorted, embarrassed.
‘That’s because your name—’ The stain in her cheeks
deepened. ‘Your name wasn’t on the records. You—you
weren’t listed on Tegan’s birth certificate.’
‘What?’ The word exploded from him, making Nell flinch.
Too bad, if he’d upset her. She’d upset him. Twenty years
of physical exclusion and now the news that there had never
been any recognition of his link to Tegan. Father unknown.
Anger roiled through him, gathering force, an avalanche of
emotion.
Beside him, Nell clutched her handbag against her stom-
ach and sat very straight. ‘Jacob, we shouldn’t discuss this
sort of thing while you’re driving.’
22 barbara hannay

She was probably right, but his only response was an

angry hiss. Jaw clenched, he checked the rear-vision mir-
ror, switched lanes in readiness for the Williamstown exit,
and tension, as suffocating as smoke, filled the car’s interior.
Five minutes later, Nell directed him into a quiet street a
block back from the waterfront.
‘My house is the little one over there with the blue door,’
she said, pointing.
His anger gave way to bafflement as he pulled up outside
a quaint but modest colonial cottage with a front hedge of
lavender, a flagstone path and yellow roses over the door. It
was the kind of old-fashioned cottage and garden his mother
adored, but he’d never dreamed that Nell Ruthven and her
husband would live in a place like this.
‘Thanks for the lift,’ Nell said quietly.
‘My pleasure.’ Jacob couldn’t keep the brittle note out of
his voice.
Her fingers sought the door catch.
‘Shall I pick you up tomorrow morning to go to the
Brownes’?’
After a slight hesitation, she said, ‘Thank you. I suppose
it makes sense if we travel together.’
‘We should talk, Nell.’ His mind was still seething with
angry questions.
Her eyes met his and he saw a heart-wrenching mixture of
sorrow and bewilderment and something deeper he couldn’t
quite pinpoint.
‘After all this time, we have things to say to each other,’
he said.
‘I can’t talk now, Jacob. There’s no point in even trying to
talk today. We’re both too upset and tense.’
Although he was desperate to get everything out in the
 adopted: outback baby 23

open, he had to admit that he felt wrung out. And Nell looked
far worse.
She pulled the catch, the door clicked open and the scent
of lavender drifted in to him on a light sea breeze. In the dis-
tance he could hear a seagull’s cry.
‘It must be very pleasant living here,’ he said in a more
conciliatory tone.
‘Yes, I love it.’ She turned to speak over her shoulder, with-
out quite looking at him. ‘Why don’t you come early tomor-
row? We can talk before we go to the Brownes’?’
‘Great idea. We can go for coffee somewhere in the city.’
‘We can talk here if you like.’
Jacob frowned. ‘Are you sure your husband won’t mind?’
He was watching her profile carefully, saw her mouth curl
into a complicated, off-kilter smile. ‘That won’t be a prob-
lem. There will only be the two of us. What time would you
like to come?’
‘Nine? Half past?’
‘Make it half past. I’ll see you then.’
Nell got out and closed the door behind her and Jacob
watched her through the passenger window as she crossed
the footpath and opened the front gate. A sudden breeze
gusted up the street, shaking the heads of the lavender and,
as she walked up the path, the wind teased a bright strand
of her hair from its braid and lifted the collar of her jacket
against her neck. Her high heels made a tapping sound on
the paving stones.
Framed by cream and yellow roses, she stood on her front
porch in her neat, dark suit and fished in her handbag for her
door key, and she looked beautiful and citified and completely
removed from the horse-riding country girl he’d known for
two months of one summer twenty years ago.
24 barbara hannay

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow he would be entering that house, talking to Nell
at last, discovering the truth he both longed for and feared.
He flipped the key in the Mercedes’s ignition so hard he
almost snapped it in two.